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1
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:08,884
Little help?
2
00:00:08,884 --> 00:00:10,344
No can do.
3
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,805
The C.I.A. Christmas party
invite is coming any moment.
4
00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:16,100
Clicking "refresh"
over and over won't
make it come any faster.
5
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,643
- What was that, Hayley?
6
00:00:17,643 --> 00:00:20,146
I couldn't hear you
over my inbox dinging.
7
00:00:20,146 --> 00:00:22,690
The party will be held at
Scamper's East.
8
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,024
Yes, baby.
9
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,569
Ugh. That dumpy pub
in Chimdale?
10
00:00:26,569 --> 00:00:28,612
Are you kidding?
Scamper's is amazing.
11
00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:31,949
Classy, too.
The golf course there? Mwah.
12
00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:34,285
Miniature. Two holes.
13
00:00:34,285 --> 00:00:37,204
And one of 'em,
half the AstroTurf is blue.
14
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,749
Blue and green,
'Zooka Sharks colors.
15
00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:40,833
'Zooka Sharks?
16
00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:42,501
Does that guy
live around here?
17
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:45,463
Well, I'm sure you and Mom
will have a great time.
18
00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:46,839
We'll all have a great time.
19
00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:49,967
I was able to secure invites
for the entire family.
20
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,802
- Even Klaus.
21
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,095
Let's go!
22
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,556
So do we, like, have to go?
23
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:59,602
Big time. You must understand,
I had a monster year at work.
24
00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:01,437
Special missions?
I crushed 'em.
25
00:01:01,437 --> 00:01:03,397
Boring meetings?
I plussed 'em.
26
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,734
And I went undefeated in
our fantasy football league.
27
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,403
The Christmas party
is my personal victory lap,
28
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,822
and I want my family there
to enjoy me.
29
00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:13,532
That's wonderful.
30
00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:16,577
Now you can close
your computer and decorate
the tree with us.
31
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,079
Better idea. Let's prepare
for my work party.
32
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,916
I'll make flashcards
of my accomplishments
this year.
33
00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:23,042
There were a lot!
34
00:01:23,042 --> 00:01:25,419
- I bet.
- We should also talk outfits.
35
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,713
I recommend something festive,
yet quirky.
36
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:30,591
Oh, God, Hayley,
you're not thinking of
wearing that to the party?
37
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:35,304
You mean the party
I just literally heard about
30 seconds ago? No.
38
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,806
Phew!
39
00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:42,269
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
40
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:45,898
♪ I got a feeling
That it's gonna be
A wonderful day ♪
41
00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:48,943
♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪
42
00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:52,696
♪ And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪
43
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:58,452
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
44
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,996
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
45
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,081
Ah!
46
00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:06,877
{\an8}♪ Good morning, USA ♪
47
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:10,130
Look at that marquee.
This is already great.
48
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,423
{\an8}Get in here, everyone!
49
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:12,883
{\an8}When we get inside,
50
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,302
{\an8}Klaus and I will fill mashed
potato cups for everyone.
51
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,138
{\an8}Francine, the open bar
lasts 45 minutes,
52
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,807
{\an8}so order me two Moscow mules.
53
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,892
{\an8}Hayley, head straight to
Big Buck Hunter.
54
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:24,144
{\an8}Don't let anyone touch
the plastic shotgun
55
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,396
{\an8}until I break the high score.
56
00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,981
{\an8}What about me and Steve?
57
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:28,691
{\an8}Great question, Jeffrey.
58
00:02:28,691 --> 00:02:31,151
{\an8}Play mini golf and listen
for what people are saying
about me.
59
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,196
{\an8}Report back with the buzz
on the links.
60
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,198
{\an8}Hot dog buns looking good
this year, Tommy.
61
00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:37,491
{\an8}Who's Tommy?
62
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,827
{\an8}He's executive chef/bouncer
here at Scamper's.
63
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:42,997
{\an8}Kind of a dual threat.
I actually don't think
that's Tommy.
64
00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,957
{\an8}Interesting.
65
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:49,378
{\an8}I've never seen whatever
this is served in a souvenir
batting helmet before.
66
00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:51,338
{\an8}Whoa, I just
remembered something.
67
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,632
{\an8}Last year, at this very party,
68
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:56,510
{\an8}I carved my name
into one of the toilet seats.
69
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,762
{\an8}Dang, you think
it's still there?
70
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:02,141
{\an8}Fischer takes his time.
71
00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:05,477
{\an8}He looks pretty high
and he is.
72
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,942
{\an8}Stop looking back.
It wasn't us.
73
00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:18,032
{\an8}I see it! "Stan... Smit"?
74
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:19,867
{\an8}Some dude started knocking.
75
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,368
{\an8}I'm gonna finish it now.
76
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:22,870
Scamper's East blows.
77
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,705
{\an8}We should leave
for Bullock's party.
78
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,998
{\an8}Bullock's party?
79
00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,875
{\an8}- Amen. This place
is for riff-raff.
80
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:31,378
{\an8}I heard Bullock's party has a
10-foot shrimp scampi tower.
81
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:35,758
{\an8}Bullock's throwing a secret
party the same night as
the C.I.A. Christmas party?
82
00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:38,344
{\an8}Stiles says he's already
at Bullock's house.
83
00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:42,640
{\an8}Holy cow. He's playing
cornhole with Ghostface Killah
and the Golden Bachelor.
84
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,184
{\an8}No freaking way!
Did they come together?
85
00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,393
{\an8}Let's go find out.
86
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,145
{\an8}We can finish peeing
at Bullock's.
87
00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:57,655
Sorry, I drank both
your mules,
88
00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:59,990
but these drinks
are basically water.
89
00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,825
Yeah, I said it.
90
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,118
Do something.
91
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:05,829
Stan heard some
devastating news
in the bathroom.
92
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:09,083
Thank God the town got rid of
that suicide hotline.
93
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,085
Otherwise he'd be
on it all night.
94
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,920
A Blue Moon for my boy Stan.
95
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,505
Open bar just ended.
96
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:17,049
That's fine. How much is it?
97
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:18,759
- Twelve bucks.
- Forget it.
98
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,427
I think I just got tetanus.
99
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,263
A lot of exposed nails
coming through the floor.
100
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,556
What's wrong with Dad?
101
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,392
Turns out there's
a better party at Bullock's,
102
00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:30,062
but Stan only got invited
to the riff-raff party.
103
00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:31,772
♪ Yo, listen up!♪
104
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,733
♪ Here's the story
about a little guy ♪
105
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:37,319
♪ That lives in a blue world ♪
106
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,279
♪ And all day and all night ♪
107
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,283
♪ And everything he sees
is just blue like him ♪
108
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,703
♪ Inside and outside ♪
109
00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,621
I say we crash Bullock's.
110
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,289
Let's go home, Stan.
111
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,374
Home?
112
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:58,298
I agree, Steve. I thought that
busboy was very handsy.
113
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:02,177
Now that that's over,
we can finally
decorate the tree.
114
00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,180
Stan, where are you going?
115
00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:13,647
I'm going to
Bullock's [bleep] party.
116
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,107
I knew you'd come.
117
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,067
Got this hog all ready for ya.
118
00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:21,822
Out of juice already?
119
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:24,700
Don't worry, there's actually
another scooter nearby,
120
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:27,494
but it's in Tuttle's garage.
Also, he owns it.
121
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,496
So we'd be stealing
Tuttle's scooter?
122
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,875
{\an8}Essentially, or we could
just take your car.
123
00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:34,334
Hmm.
124
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,671
And that's the night
my scooter got stolen.
125
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,847
Bullock runs
a tight ship.
126
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,849
I never get invited anywhere.
127
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:53,270
Which makes me an expert
at sneaking into events
where I'm not wanted.
128
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:58,025
I once snuck my Pomona boys
into Adam Driver's
Golden Globes party.
129
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,526
- Okay.
- To be fair,
130
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,862
this was years before
Adam Driver got famous.
131
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,031
Damn it, Klaus,
what's our plan?
132
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:06,867
I'm Tom Hanks.
133
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,244
I'm Colin Hanks.
134
00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:11,455
I'm Hank Azaria?
135
00:06:11,455 --> 00:06:13,999
For Christ's sake, Smith,
what is your problem?
136
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:18,087
My problem is you
didn't invite me to your
Christmas party. Why not?
137
00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,547
Okay, I'll level with you.
138
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:23,425
The fire marshal
is a real hard-ass.
139
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:27,054
He gave me a firm cap
of 500 guests.
140
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,097
Five hundred?
141
00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:29,973
It's ludicrous, I know,
142
00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:33,435
but maybe you'll
make the cut next year.
143
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:37,898
Hank Azaria, Mr. 500!
144
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:41,110
Where are you?
I'm literally outside.
145
00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:43,403
I think I have a way in.
146
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,365
Me, "shut up"?
No, you shut up!
147
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,869
Hold on. Some guy with a chin
is saying something. What?
148
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:54,623
I overheard your conversation
and it sounds like
you need a date.
149
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,583
I happen to be in need
of a wristband.
150
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,378
Perhaps I could be your
plus one for the night.
151
00:06:59,378 --> 00:07:01,130
Fine.
You seem normal enough.
152
00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:05,175
You can be my date
because my husband's
an asshole!
153
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,974
- Sir, for the last time--
- Ka-pow!
154
00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,017
Oops. Ka-blam!
155
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,854
Flawless reveal, sir.
Enjoy the party.
156
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,399
I'm Tom Hanks.
157
00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:21,733
Welcome, Mr. Hanks.
158
00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:39,793
It's a winter wonderland.
159
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,420
The shrimp scampi tower.
160
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:45,757
I can smell
the garlicky butter
cascading from here.
161
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,467
It's beautiful.
162
00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:50,762
Don't skimp on the scamp!
163
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,931
Hey, Stan, meet my new friend,
164
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:55,976
All-Pro wide receiver
Stefon Diggs.
165
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,187
Jackson told me all about
your fantasy football team.
166
00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:00,772
Then I was like,
"Wait, I was on that team?"
167
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,901
Office champions!
We did it, bro.
168
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,904
I have a spare football
in the car.
169
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,156
Feel like tossing me
a few long bombs?
170
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:13,202
Nuh-uh. You want to
keep that wristband?
171
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:16,496
You better not
leave my side all night.
172
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,539
But Stefon Diggs--
173
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,333
But Stefon, nothing.
174
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:22,961
Order me three shots
of Tito's while I
stretch out my hammies.
175
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,256
We're about to set
that dance floor on fire.
176
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,176
Maybe we should leave.
177
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,886
What are you talking about?
We just got here.
178
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:34,223
There's something about
your date that gives me
a bad feeling.
179
00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:37,434
We should try to find
some coke ASAP.
180
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:40,979
We're not going home.
181
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,981
I'm sure everyone is
sound asleep by now anyway.
182
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:47,778
Dang it! Dad knows
I can't sleep unless I know
everyone's safe in their beds.
183
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:50,239
- You guys left Scamper's?
184
00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:52,282
I was holding down
Big Buck Hunter,
185
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,868
as instructed,
and all the lights shut off.
186
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,454
What? We didn't
break the golf course.
187
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,667
I love you all so much.
188
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,753
Now, who is ready to rock?
189
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:10,550
Good, because this band
can really rip.
190
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,053
Ladies and gents, I give you
191
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,139
Kris Kringle
and the Naughty Boys.
192
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,225
Santa?
193
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,726
He's in a band?
194
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,062
I trapped Santa
in the freakin' Jingleverse.
195
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,897
- Guess he got out.
- You think?
196
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,315
Check, check.
197
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:29,069
He's got those weird
Jeff Bezos muscles!
198
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,404
He'll kill us, Stan.
199
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:31,863
Ho ho ho!
200
00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,157
This first one's
off our new EP.
201
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:37,786
It's called "Nasty Christmas."
202
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,165
♪ I left your
Christmas presents
underneath the [bleep] tree ♪
203
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:46,003
♪ A gift card to Sephora
because your face
looks dead to me ♪
204
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:49,256
Damn, this goes kind of hard.
205
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,425
- I need to use the bathroom.
- No, you don't.
206
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:54,761
You don't understand.
Santa and I have a history.
207
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,930
Join the club. I'm his wife.
208
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,599
- His what now?
- His wife.
209
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:03,603
Clarissa Claus?
I married that son of a bitch.
210
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:07,065
Oh, my God! You're Mrs. Claus?
211
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:11,194
We're gonna make Santa
real jealous tonight.
212
00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:19,161
Stan, we need to get
some shrimp scampi and
get the [bleep] out of here!
213
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,958
{\an8}- Smith!
214
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,753
Keep playing, Santa.
215
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:30,464
My face is only
partially melted.
216
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:34,009
You promised me you wouldn't
invite Stan Smith!
217
00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:37,721
I assure you,
Smith is not here.
218
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:39,473
Yeah, he is.
219
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:41,516
He's my date.
220
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,268
- Wow.
221
00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:45,520
- This is--
- Don't you dare say "awkward."
222
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,190
Awkward!
223
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:52,652
Why are you doing this,
Clarissa? And with him,
of all people?
224
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:57,199
Remember when I called you
from the gate because I
didn't want to walk in alone?
225
00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,868
I told you we had sound check.
226
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,995
You could have left
for five minutes.
227
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,498
The levels on Nate's
Stratocaster were all--
228
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:09,211
So typical.
Putting your stupid
bandmates before me.
229
00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:13,423
Stupid? Nate's an
Anthropology major at UMass!
230
00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:15,133
I am so over this.
231
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,511
Why can't you be happy for me?
232
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:21,598
I've finally found something
that gives me creative
fulfillment.
233
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:25,268
Because you turned into
jolly old Saint Dick.
234
00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:28,897
Well, I should also be--
235
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,857
You did this, Smith.
236
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,110
You're gonna die tonight.
237
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:44,746
Smith!
238
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:47,624
Get in!
239
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,253
I'm keeping the North Pole!
240
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,964
Good luck fitting 1,500 elves
241
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,967
into a studio apartment!
242
00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:59,219
I'm the one
who drafted his team.
243
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,139
He wanted OBJ
in the second round.
244
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,807
I mean, what year is this?
245
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,892
- Stan?
246
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,687
Nope. He ran off with my wife.
247
00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:12,816
She took the reindeer,
so I need to crash here
for a while.
248
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,235
Oh, I'm exhausted.
249
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,904
I'm going to sleep
like a rock tonight.
250
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:20,073
You! White noise.
251
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,617
Um...
252
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,213
Whoo!
253
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,966
That North Pole snow
hits different, y'all.
254
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,968
Hey, Chief,
you wanna hit the slopes?
255
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,052
I want to sleep.
256
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:43,555
You know,
it snows year-round here.
257
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:47,058
But we still have to import
some snow from Colombia.
258
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,227
Solid joke. I've laughed
every time you've said it.
259
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,396
But please,
I can't party anymore.
260
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,106
I know exactly what you need.
261
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,108
A bloody effin' Mary!
262
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:59,070
Bloody Mary, yes!
Bloody-bloody- bloody-
bloody-bloody-bloody!
263
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,656
Bloody what? Bloody what?
Bloody what? Bloody Mary!
264
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:05,827
So if you're here, who will
deliver presents on Christmas?
265
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:09,456
Oh, I delegate that crap to
my right-hand elf, Guffrie.
266
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:14,252
I work smarter now. I'm not in
my early 200s anymore,
267
00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:18,006
splooging big old wads
of Christmas magic all night.
268
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,090
"Wads"?
269
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,468
I'm taking better care
of myself now.
270
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,262
I started lifting.
You lift, Steve?
271
00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:26,223
- No.
- Oh, man, you've got to.
272
00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:30,560
I'll hook you up with
my amino acid guy.
He'll find you some steroids.
273
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,147
With that frame,
you're gonna get yoked.
274
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,816
Sorry to interrupt
your midlife crisis,
275
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,402
but what the hell is that?
276
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,197
Those would be my dried-up
contact lenses.
277
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,115
I wear dailies now.
278
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:48,578
When I'm about to fall asleep,
I just flick 'em wherever.
It's liberating.
279
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,331
I'm gonna kill your father.
280
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,208
Dad's still not home?
281
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:57,420
Damn. You're not worried he's,
you know, up to anything
with Mrs. Claus?
282
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,507
Your dad? Hell, no.
283
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,009
I got that shit
locked down tight.
284
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,347
This should be good.
285
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,016
- Hello?
- Francine, it's me, Klaus.
286
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,476
We're in the North Pole.
287
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:14,646
Oh, I already know.
Santa told me.
288
00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,022
Santa Claus?
289
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,650
He said Stan
ran off with Mrs. Claus.
290
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,777
That's not how
it went down, Franny.
291
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:24,197
She dragged us up here,
and she won't stop serving
Bloody Marys.
292
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,240
It's a nightmare!
293
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,243
Right, that sounds terrible.
294
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,245
For your guys' information,
295
00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:33,456
I'm letting Santa stay here
till you get back.
296
00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:36,167
Watch this. Oh, and, Klaus?
297
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:39,254
Mention that Santa
sleeps without a shirt on.
298
00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:41,881
Oh, those muscles.
299
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,886
Doesn't Santa
look good, Hayley?
300
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:51,099
Oh, yeah,
I'd take a bumpy ride
on his Polar Express,
301
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,767
if you know what I mean?
302
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,227
I do.
303
00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:59,524
Bloody-bloody-bloody.
Sip the Bloody.
304
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:01,860
- Sip it!
305
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:05,071
- The weed cookies
are done baking.
306
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:08,575
First, you bake them,
then they bake you.
307
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,537
Again, for the fourth time,
that joke is hilarious.
308
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,459
Stan, I talked to Francine.
309
00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:20,295
She's pissed you ditched them
for Bullock's party.
310
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:23,214
And get this. She's letting
Santa sleep there
311
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,299
In our house?
312
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,884
You haven't heard
the worst of it.
313
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:28,219
Santa sleeps bare-chested.
314
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:31,097
He's got the whole family
all horned up.
315
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,267
Come on. We're getting
the hell out of here.
316
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,102
What are you doing
with the decorations?
317
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,021
They're going back
to the basement.
318
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:41,191
Your father ruined Christmas
this year, so there's no point
in decorating.
319
00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:43,026
But I love Christmas.
320
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,278
It makes me sad and happy.
321
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,780
Oh, now, wait a minute.
322
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:50,784
Stan may be a Grade A jackass,
but it's still Christmas.
323
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,828
Why do you care?
You're a godless musician now.
324
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,875
Duck, Mom!
He's about to splooge wads!
325
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:09,969
It's good old-fashioned
Christmas magic.
326
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,471
Splooge more!
327
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,890
It does look festive.
328
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,437
It's snowing, bitches.
329
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,950
That was very fun.
330
00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:33,827
Stan! Where'd you go?
331
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:37,747
I made us peanut brittle,
but with ketamine
instead of peanuts.
332
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:46,339
What's the deal
with these reindeer?
333
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,592
"Chuck"? "Leon"?
Where's Rudolph?
334
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,928
These guys don't seem
like Santa's A-squad.
335
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:55,432
Listen, Rudolph.
336
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:58,184
One smells like a man,
the other smells like a fish.
337
00:16:58,184 --> 00:16:59,352
Go!
338
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,982
- I don't know what to do.
- Jiggle them or something.
339
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,528
Oh, no, you don't.
340
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:12,365
She sees us, Stan. Go faster.
Jiggle them harder!
341
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,033
Mrs. Claus is gaining on us.
342
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,827
Wow! She's got wheels, Stan!
343
00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:19,038
A lightning-quick first step
and amazing top-end speed.
344
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,123
Nothing is working.
345
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:22,167
She's now outpacing
the dogs, Stan!
346
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,502
Her gait is equal parts
grace and power.
347
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:28,381
She has long,
galloping strides,
like Seattle Slew!
348
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,217
On Leon, on Hank,
on Rhonda and Frank!
349
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:41,478
You can just talk to 'em,
Klaus. They're magic.
350
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:49,569
I can't believe
I'm saying this,
but I like being here.
351
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,697
Me, too.
It's like a new chapter
in our relationship.
352
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,866
Can I ask you girls something?
353
00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:55,950
Shoot, Big Red.
354
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:59,037
Why do women hate music?
355
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,040
You'll need to be
a little more specific.
356
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,583
I mean, Mrs. Claus.
357
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,879
Ever since I formed my band,
she started acting all crazy.
358
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:12,175
She's always whining
that I don't spend time
with her anymore.
359
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:13,301
Well, do you?
360
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,385
Of course.
361
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,137
I mean, not all the time.
362
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,430
I'm Santa Claus.
363
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,807
I'm a busy guy.
364
00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:22,143
I have to make my list,
check it twice.
365
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,478
What about after work?
366
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:25,188
I usually hit the gym,
367
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:29,150
then band practice until 3:00,
maybe 4:00, in the morning.
368
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,110
Then I wake up
and do it all over again.
369
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,695
Come on, Santa.
370
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,781
You've gotta put in
a little more effort.
371
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:38,326
Yeah, dude.
Mrs. Claus is lonely,
not crazy.
372
00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:43,248
If you don't stop,
we'll crash!
373
00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:45,542
I don't care.
374
00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:49,504
I'd rather die than spend
another Christmas alone!
375
00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:55,635
I have an idea.
376
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,596
You could include Mrs. Claus
more in your life.
377
00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,807
Maybe she could
run your social media.
378
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:01,975
That could work!
379
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,352
She's actually quite active
on Facebook.
380
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:07,522
Loves inspirational quotes,
hates vaccines,
381
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:10,191
loves memes
about hating vaccines.
382
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:20,118
Leave my family alone,
you roided-out bastard!
383
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:21,244
It's okay, Dad.
384
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:22,662
We're cool with Santa now.
385
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,038
We started a new chapter.
386
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:27,792
{\an8}- We did?
- It's water under
the bridge, Smith.
387
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,587
I need to apologize
to you guys.
388
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,006
I never should have ditched
you for Bullock's party.
389
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,382
Clearly.
390
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,968
I was so busy looking for love
from everyone else,
391
00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:40,847
I forgot that all the love
I need is right here.
With you.
392
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:45,393
Okay, Stan,
that sounds from the heart.
393
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:46,811
And we forgive you.
394
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,438
I'm okay.
395
00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,899
But I don't think
I learned any lessons.
396
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,360
My baby!
397
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,824
- Kris?
- Sweet Clarissa.
398
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:03,161
I was so busy looking for love
from everyone else,
399
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,414
I forgot that all the love I
need is right here.
400
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:07,624
With you.
401
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:10,251
Santa straight-up
stole Stan's lesson.
402
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,795
I decided to cancel
the band's tour.
403
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:15,381
I want to spend
more time with you.
404
00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:16,966
Oh, Santa.
405
00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:21,012
I'm really sorry
I slept with Stan.
406
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:22,513
You did what?
407
00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:23,765
You seem jealous.
408
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:26,059
Are you jealous?
Tell me you're jealous.
409
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,310
Smith!
410
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:28,394
I didn't touch her.
411
00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:33,232
{\an8}What is with this weather?
412
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,069
{\an8}When I got dressed up
to [bleep] last night,
it was a low 50s.
413
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,820
{\an8}Now I look ridiculous.
414
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,156
{\an8}I thought we started
a new chapter.
415
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,699
{\an8}That chapter is over!
416
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:44,452
{\an8}In this one, you die!
417
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,296
{\an8}The American Dad.
What a silly goose.
29934
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