Original subtitles

MUSIC: Marriage of Figaro by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

You're like an old pro now. I know, I know!

It's so satisfying.

Look, I'll be honest with you...

Do you want me to give it a whirl? No, I'm hangry.

My stomach is going, "Bruschetta, bruschetta."

LAUGHTER

I'm proper Sicilian now, I swear to God.

Amanda and I are spending the summer together

renovating our Italian project,

and we're now on the home straight.

AMANDA: Next on the list is the master bedroom

and I'm taking the lead.

Amanda, if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

I think I would want to fly.

I dream I fly. Oh, I've had one... Do you have dreams like that?

I dreamed I was flying and I could see the tips of wings... Oh, my God.

..so I think I was actually a seagull rather than a superhero.

Well, you do like a chip.

Now the room's been opened up thanks to Alan's demolition job

I want to chat through my design vision with him.

Look at this. Oh...

# Ta-da! #

Look how big it is. Oh, my God, it's massive.

Look how tall your ceiling is. I love these ceilings!

It's making me think I can have a really camp pendant up there.

You see, in here, Alan,

it's like a walk-in wardrobe, but you could maybe do shelves

for jumpers, things like that. Yeah. Wardrobe there.

Oh, my God. Let me just get my head round this.

Oh!

The wallpaper I've got in my head

has got either palm leaves or banana leaves. OK.

It would be like a banana-leaf boudoir.

Like '50s Miami.

Yep. That's what I want that wall to feel like.

I think you're putting too much personality into it.

Well, it's not going to feel particularly Sicilian.

I want it to feel like a pocket of Hollywood in Sicily. Yeah.

I get it. Your bedroom is your sanctuary, but...

..I just think it's out of place here.

Sounds very camp.

When Amanda chose the disco ball for a bathroom,

I thought that was, like, "Oh, right."

You know, she's got an itch and she wants to scratch it.

But now it's, sort of, seeped out into her bedroom

and now we're having palm trees, banana leaves and pinks.

When's it going to stop? I mean, there's a thin line between

liking things a bit bling and then being a bit tasteless.

I mean, we want Hollywood, not Cricklewood.

Opulence is key in my design, so I'm taking Alan to

one of Palermo's most prestigious landmarks for inspiration.

Look at this! Isn't it gorgeous?

The 19th-century Grand Hotel et des Palmes.

Ooh. Hello. Oh.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

This is so classy, this hotel.

And I've managed to wrangle access to the Presidential Suite.

Have you had any movie stars down here?

Well, we had the very important musician,

Richard Wagner, only in 1881.

AMANDA GASPS

Oh, my God!

Looks like a blinkin' ballroom. Look at this!

This is, like, old wealth, isn't it?

It looks a bit like Elton John's downstairs toilet.

That's what I sort of imagine his toilet would look like.

Ooh... Wagner, he would have looked at that ceiling. Do you reckon?

Yeah.

I love all the gold... I know. ..and all the leaves.

Even though it's massively ornate,

if I could just put a tiny bit of that into my bedroom... Yeah.

But listen, I know we've come here for inspiration, but this...

This budget is out of this world.

You know, you're going to have to rein it in.

The other thing I'm loving is this massive array of cushions.

Although there's not enough for my liking. Well, you see...

Because what I would have, I would have a square at the back,

then I would have two like this... ALAN SIGHS

..but then I would have - these are king-size as well -

then I would have the slightly smaller one

and then your, sort of, decorative pillows. No.

And then every night I'm like this. ALAN GROANS

That's my pet hate in hotels,

when they put loads of cushions on the bed. Is it?

Sometimes, in a hotel, they have a pillow menu.

You've changed.

I'll tell you what, though. I am going to have

some kind of gold lighting... Ooh. ..in my bedroom.

I feel so presidential, don't you? Do you? Yes.

Shall we go and get some inspiration from the cocktail bar?

Oh, come on, Jackie O,

let's have a martini.

THEY GIGGLE

Back in Salemi, my bedroom's in need of some TLC.

The wall that Alan knocked down

has left a few patches that need repairing,

so Scott's called me in to fix the damage.

So, basically, we're just going to get chunks of this -

look at it - on our trowel

and square that onto the wall. Oh, my God, look at that.

Can I have a go? Yeah, of course.

Right, OK. Get a chunk...

Yeah.

Great. I love this!

SHE LAUGHS

Not as bad as you thought.

Look at that. Proper job, that is.

My dad would be proud of me.

We didn't have much money growing up at all,

but my mum and dad, we always kept a nice house,

and my mum and dad did absolutely everything themselves.

I'm quite pleased with that.

Yes!

This is a Hollywood bedroom and there's my Hollywood handprints.

SHE LAUGHS

That's as close as I'm getting.

While Amanda dreams of Tinseltown, our local friend Fabrizio

has taken me south of the island to Sciacca

for some rest and relaxation, Sicilian style.

So, listen, can you tell the man in the barber I want a wet shave?

I don't want to have, like, a mullet.

Yeah, I think he's going to know what to do.

You don't have mullets here? No, I don't think so. Oh, good.

You don't want them here, either. Buongiorno. Buongiorno. Buongiorno.

THEY SPEAK ITALIAN ALAN SIGHS

I need a shave. A shave. De la barba? Yeah.

Like a baby's bottom. OK.

Do you know, this is the first time I've sat down, Fab.

You know, this is a kind of lifestyle for Italians.

You saying us Brits have got it wrong?

Do you reckon I need to relax a bit more? Yeah, is about relaxing.

Don't be in a rush and just take your time.

We call it the dolce far niente - the sweetness of doing nothing.

Ooh. I like that.

Do you know what you've got to understand, Fabrizio? Mm-hm.

Me in the UK, I am a big superstar.

I know it. And Alan Carr, the brand, it's 24/7.

I'm an icon...

FABRIZIO CHUCKLES

..so I can't take my foot off the pedal.

BOTH LAUGH

I think, get the house in Sicily

is a good beginning to start relaxing.

You know, you wake up late in the morning

and then you can go in a place like this

and let people take care of you.

That's what I need. Some me time. Yeah, you can start like this,

then have a Aperol Spritz somewhere. Oh, now you're talking.

Yeah. Till the sun sets.

It's just the way they say it. "Dolce far niente."

When you're going around Salemi,

you see whole families sitting on chairs.

They just relax. They have four hours off.

But, you know, celebrating the simple things in life is great.

It is nice for me to come to Sicily

because I do like the way of life here, you know?

But I need to just kick back and go, "What does Alan Carr want to do?"

Yeah, exactly. Ooh.

Burn? It burns!

FABRIZIO CHUCKLES

Honestly. Yeah... Quite strong, as well.

He's a...

THEY SPEAK ITALIAN

OK. Oh, look at that.

BARBER SPEAKS ITALIAN

What have you done?

ALL LAUGH

It's lovely!

Grazie mille. Look at that!

OK? OK.

Grazie. Grazie. It's so wonderful. Thank you.

Ciao! Bye-bye. Oh...

That was so nice! Relaxing. I was half-asleep at the chair.

Yes, it really worked! I feel so calm.

Definitely relaxing.

THEY CHUCKLE

With the walls repaired,

it's time to start bringing the bling to the bedroom.

So my room's going to be Hollywood.

OK. This is the most amazing paper.

I've always wanted to use this paper.

So what I'm wanting is to sort of match

a pink to that pink. Yep.

I already love this colour. Mm.

That's come out a lot pinker than I thought. Surprised it's...

No. Too dark. That's not nice. That's too dark.

This is doing nothing for me, this colour.

Maybe when it dries.

No.

It's not that one, Scott.

It's that.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to definitely do two walls.

OK. It's going to be about the wallpaper now. Yeah.

I'm going to keep it plain behind the bed.

Those two walls are going to do the talking, I think. Nice.

Decor scheme decided, the team crack on with the flooring.

I've decided to take a bit more me time,

as my friend Fabrizio suggested, and embrace la dolce vita,

so I've headed west of the island to Marsala.

It's a mecca for water sports,

and I've always wanted to try my hand at windsurfing.

My nan made me watch Jaws when I was nine

and I found it quite triggering, so I do have a shark fear,

but I'm looking at all them and I'm thinking, you know,

"Why's the shark just going to pick me?"

There's people further out, so I'm assuming

the shark would just eat them and then work its way in

and then by the time it gets to me, I'll be out having a cocktail.

Phwoar, honka-honka.

To improve my chances of catching some waves,

Fabrizio has booked me an intensive lesson

with ex-Italian-champion Marco.

Buongiorno! Hello. Buongiorno.

I'm here to windsurf. Yes.

But it's so windy, I don't want to end up in Tunisia.

It's windy, but if you go far away from me,

I can call you, "Oh, stop. Come back, please."

I'm not going anywhere, love.

Alan! I mean, how dangerous can windsurfing be?

Do I need all this equipment? Wow. It's not dangerous.

Are you sure? It's just, like, wet suit and Lycra.

Oh, it's horrible.

MARCO CHUCKLES

The board. It will be yours.

Oh, nice. I call him Titanic. Yeah, but the Titanic sunk.

You haven't thought this through.

MARCO LAUGHS

I'm loving the vibe here.

It feels a lot of fun. Everyone's really friendly.

And plenty of fit men, which doesn't hurt,

so if I master this, you know, hey,

I might even enter the Olympics. You never know.

This there. My sail - boom. You can go now. Let's go.

His dog windsurfs.

I mean, if a dog can do it, surely I can do it?

OK. Try to stay always with your back to the wind.

Don't hang around. It's so windy!

What could go wrong?

OK!

Just stand now. Ooh.

OK. Good.

OK.

You can balance?

Yeah, all right.

Ooh!

Ah-argh!

At least when they find me corpse bobbing along,

they'll have something bright to look for.

ALAN SHOUTS

ALAN GROANS

Ow!

Argh!

When you look around at all these fitties

just whizzing around kitesurfing...

I mean, I'd definitely come back.

Whether I'll windsurf again, I don't know,

but I will probably sit up there with a gin and tonic

looking at all the hotties. OK? I'll meet you halfway.

The builders have been busy

blocking the former entrance to the second apartment,

ready for us to create my dream Hollywood-esque walk-in wardrobe.

You are good, doing all this driving.

Well, I've got to be honest - I don't feel safe with you driving.

That is so... I don't feel safe!

You hit one woman.

LAUGHTER

Alan and I are en route to help Scott bring my vision to life.

So when did you meet Chris? Was it love at first sight?

It... I have to say, I...

He was just so easy to talk to and so funny.

And I know I'm like, quite gobby, but I'm quite shy, as well,

and I was thinking, "I'll never be able to hold a sentence together

"talking to this hottie." Yeah.

And he made it so easy, and it was just brilliant

and then that was it. Yeah, yeah.

That's like with me with Paul. I know we're not together now,

but it was love at first sight when he walked in the restaurant. Yeah.

I know people think I'm very confident, but I'm not...

No, exactly. ..and I asked my friends, Scott and Phil,

"Can you get me his number? I want to go on a date with him."

I have never done that. Never, never, never. Aw!

And I went and I... You just...

I do believe in love at first sight. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

I mean, I'm crap at dates. I don't know what to say. Oh...

I'm thinking of getting on the dating apps.

I wouldn't know what to put on a dating app. Oh, cuddly.

That's just another word for fat.

LAUGHTER

So this is... Ooh!

..your wardrobe. Look at that!

So we've got shelves to go across here... Yep.

..and then two long shelves on that side. OK, then.

So you're going to have a mirror there and a dressing table?

I feel like we should. Yeah, it'll make it feel bigger.

My nan, bless her, used to say,

"Never let your husband see you without your make-up",

which is hilarious, but I wear make-up all the time.

For me, it's to do with my own dignity,

and my own self-preservation,

which is what I think my nan was, sort of, trying to say... Yeah.

..cos it's a facade, people don't think it's particularly...deep.

No. Oh, your make-up is deep. My make-up is, like, this thick.

It's very deep. It's like a sinkhole.

It is!

Anyway, let's put this shelf up, shall we? Come on, then. Yes.

Always a dream for me to have something like this in my bedroom

and I didn't get one until I was in my 40s - like, a walk-in thing.

And I have so many memories of watching my mum do her make-up.

She had gorgeous, thick chestnutty hair

and she used to roll it into a topknot.

She used to wear green eye shadow and orange lipstick

and she had, like, heated rollers and I used to pass her the pins

so she could do it. Ohh. She was absolutely stunning.

It's funny what you remember, innit?

What's that? It's five. Five.

Amanda, she is always so practical.

Push, push, push! Push, Alan!

OK, OK, maybe I'm not

the most practical.

ALAN WAILS

My idea of interior design is, like, plumping up a cushion,

lighting a candle, do you know what I mean?

I've tried to limit me swanning around.

I mean, I will get on with things,

but, erm, yeah, I just find manual labour a bit boring.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh! I pushed it too far in.

Nice!

Then you'll have these two shelves up here. Ooh, curved.

Kind of curved. OK.

Perfect. Let's have some granita.

Let's have some granita. I'll have coffee and stracciatella, please.

Coffee and stracciatella. Ooh. That is a good mix. Yes.

What's your favourite ice cream? Viennetta.

AMANDA SIGHS

What's wrong with a Viennetta?

ALAN LAUGHS

What's wrong?

As Scott's team finish off the tiling and plastering,

he's putting in the hours to bring some grandeur to my Hollywood room.

I've commissioned Scott to make the bed of my dreams.

The bed that Amanda wants is a fairly simple four-poster bed...

..in gold, so we're going to make the entire structure

out of this 3x3 bar.

And then later on we'll paint it

and she sent me some pictures of what she needed,

so fingers crossed that she'll be happy with it.

THUNDER RUMBLES

In Salemi, the weather's turned.

Luckily for us, our apartment has the best views.

Buongiorno!

And it's a good excuse to catch up with the neighbours.

SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN

This is amazing.

THUNDER DROWNS SPEECH

Yeah. Si, si, si.

A tornado, yep.

THUNDERCLAP

Grande, si. I know!

Ah, buongiorno. There's another one.

AMANDA CHUCKLES

The weather's quite extreme. It's like...all-or-nothing.

THUNDER RUMBLES

No matter the weather, there's no rest for the wicked.

Scott's completed my bespoke four-poster bed,

and as my parents are paying a visit to the island,

I've again roped in my DIY-loving dad Les to help me build it.

Do you remember when you were little?

Eight or nine-years-old, and then you wouldn't go to sleep.

Singing all night long in the top of the bunk bed.

And what were you doing? Picking. Tearing bits and pieces of wallpaper

bit by bit until there was hardly anything left on the wall.

I know. I'm sorry.

Good morning. So... Is this my bed?

This is your bed. Oh, my God!

I've made it in my workshop, which is quite small,

so I couldn't put it together to try it.

Have you got the instructions, Scott?

My dad is SO good at DIY.

Yeah.

And he's all self-taught. He had a little book,

I always remember, when I was a kid, called Reader's Digest,

and it taught him everything and he can turn his hand to anything.

Oh, my God, this looks great! And it looks...

Already, look how sturdy it is. Yeah!

I knew we shouldn't have put that bit on first.

Yeah, you're right.

I said to Mum this morning, bodge it and leg it is your name,

and you're living up to it this morning!

Just a touch. Yeah.

And then that one and then...Bob's your uncle.

Whoa. That's it.

This is exactly what I had in my head

when I said, "Can you make me a bed?" That's perfect.

On this job, I've helped tile.

I've helped make the kitchen. Yeah.

Plastering is a skill - you know I've always gone on about

how much I want to plaster. I know! It's good, yeah. Love plastering.

Actually, I'm proud of you doing plastering. Look, I can't...

AMANDA LAUGHS

What did I say?

You said you're proud of me. Aww!

My mum loves me to bits, but she's a bit like me as a mum.

She just constantly encourages. "You're brilliant!"

Whereas my dad's, "Yeah, it's good, but I think you could do better."

And so if he says, I've done a good job, I've done a good job.

That's not bad, eh? Hasn't he done an amazing job of that?

It's great, isn't it?

Shall we go and have a cup of tea, yeah? We deserve it.

It's a new morning and the storm has cleared.

The builders have been busy painting the walls of my room,

ready for Alan and I to master another exacting decorating skill -

wallpapering.

Ooh! Hello.

I cannot tell you how excited I am.

This is my dream wallpaper.

I have to say that I've never, ever wallpapered.

That makes two of us. I've watched my...

You've never wallpapered? I've never wallpapered, no.

This is going to be like a comedy sketch. This is going to be...

I love the way no-one's asked me if I ever wallpapered. Have you?

Cos you know the answer!

Guys, guys, I haven't wallpapered either. No? What a shocker.

I am shocked!

That worries me because this is expensive wallpaper.

We don't wallpaper in Sicily, so...

You don't wallpaper? So I don't know if it's... No.

Scott's lost his cool. And he's like, "Oh..."

It's the first time I've seen him... I know.

Really, really quite anxious. I felt for him, bless him.

I know, I can't be... I think he likes the more macho things.

Something that goes, "Rrrr!" Power tools... Like you, Alan.

Like me. He's very much like me.

How do you say scissors in Italian? Forbici. Who? Forbici.

Forbici. "Forbija." No, forbija.

Oh, my gosh. Nothing. Forbija.

There's some secateur-type things. Oh, big forbici.

Have you ever wallpapered? Yeah.

Oh, my God. What's your name? Giuseppe. Giuseppe.

Right. Giuseppe has wallpapered.

This is Alan. We found him this morning.

He's been roped into everything. Oh, my God.

I mean, he was like an angel. He was like...

We said a prayer. About wallpaper.

And next, you know, Giuseppe came in. Paper angel came.

I'm going to cut this first. Yeah.

Cut it and then put the glue after.

Are you over here on your holidays, then?

Yeah, been here a month.

I just come to see my friend. Aww.

OK, just make sure we get rid of the lumps.

Shall I take that lump? You take that lump.

Giuseppe, make sure the palms are like that.

So, Giuseppe, when did you start doing this as a trade, then?

This is not my trade. I grow cucumbers in England.

AMANDA LAUGHS

Seriously!

Like this... That's it.

We don't know how we're going to repay Giuseppe. I might just

buy a load of cucumbers. I'm going to buy a load of cucumbers. Yeah.

I might make a cucumber relish.

Just all the edges. Right to the bottom, yeah.

Has he put too much, Giuseppe? No, it's OK.

You've never wallpapered before.

Let Giuseppe tell me what's right and what's wrong, Miss Holden.

It just looked a bit wet to me. No, it's better.

It's better wet, isn't it? Yeah. Thank you, Giuseppe.

GIGGLING

Pull it. Hold her there. That's it.

But it was so tense wallpapering, though.

Just watching those five bits of leaf... Oh, my gosh.

..meeting up with the other one. It was like, dun-dun, da-da-da-da,

da-da-da-da-DA! I was like, "Yeah!"

All right. Brush.

Thank you very much.

Felt like we were on Casualty. It was like, "Scalpel. Brush." Yeah.

ALAN MIMICS MONITOR

De-lump. Now.

De-lump.

AMANDA BEEPS

Rrr!

I just think that looks stunning.

Are you happy? Just gorgeous. I'm really happy.

If you're happy, I'm happy. Aww!

No, thank you, Giuseppe. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

It's nice to have someone around

who knows what they're doing.

LAUGHTER

Having saved the day teaching his wallpapering hacks to us,

Giuseppe's entrusted Alan and I to finish the job.

My palm vision doesn't stop at wallpaper.

I've come back to Palermo to nail the design

for my mountain of pillows and I've been told that

the famous family-run fabric shop, Cucci, is just the ticket.

I'm just going to accent the bed

with palm leaves and leaves and throws and...

But it's still going to be subtle.

OMG.

Oh, I really like that!

The quality of this linen's stunning.

That's a pineapple snuffer!

Oh, my God. I am over the MOON with everything.

That is PINK! That is stunning.

And I'll have that.

I feel like I'm in my stride. This is my favourite part,

is just the, sort of, the finishing touches,

the finishes and the thought and the love that goes into it.

So, I found lots of things. Sure.

I'm doing a bedroom. OK.

So I was thinking I needed to create some accents... With cushions?

Nice, leafy cushions, so that's what this is on my...

Can you just take it? Beautiful. It's so pretty.

We sell the fabrics and we do the cushion for you. Oh, fantastic.

I think Alan will really enjoy my mountain of cushions,

and he'll probably want to fling himself backwards into it.

Then he'll become very jealous and wish he'd thought of the same thing.

And then I saw this and thought... THEY SPEAK ITALIAN

So would that work in a window? In a window it's very nice

because you can see outside. Yes. A lot of light. Yes.

So in the evening, you can enjoy the design. Yes.

Perfecto.

And this snuffer... This is free of charge.

Thank you! Grazie. I love it.

Thank you so much. Grazie. Grazie.

After weeks of hard work, my Hollywood-esque hotel-style bedroom

is finally ready for its finishing touches.

OK. First things first, we need to perfect the art form

of what makes the perfect cushion display.

Oh, gosh.

This is a disaster, darling.

It don't look good. No, it doesn't. I can feel you're getting stressed.

AMANDA GASPS

I am!

Cos you're totally right.

You can't solve this problem by adding more and more cushions,

I can't. I can't, you're right.

ALAN SNORTS

Oh, that's really helpful.

Well, maybe that's better. What do you think about that?

I think you're being silly. That's art.

That's like an art installation in some people's heads, Alan.

This is awful.

These are a must cos I love these. They're definite.

They're gorgeous. I love them.

Do you know what? It's getting there?

There.

That's much better.

OK.

I like these! Really nice.

In go my new wooden side tables.

It's on, love. Up go my bespoke linen drapes.

And last but not least, my golden snuffer takes pride of place.

Oh, my God. It looks gorgeous now. Yeah.

Oh, thank you, Alan.

Aww! Oh!

That was horribly stressful. I know, I know.

MUSIC: Come Prima by Tony Dallara

# Per la vita, la mia vita...#

I'm so relieved. Mm.

I never thought we were going to ever do that bed.

No. And now it looks really pretty.

This paper, I have loved forever.

When I saw the lampshades and the wallpaper,

I thought it would be a manic room, but, actually,

it's really calming and chilling. It is, isn't it?

It feels really, really zen like.

# Piu di prima...#

Alan, I love those curtains.

Gorgeous, isn't it? They just make it.

But the icing on the cake is the walk-in wardrobe, as well.

That's lovely with all the lights in there. I mean, everything.

I feel like I just want to lift up this room and take it back to the UK

because that is going to be the hardest thing.

It's going to be leaving this room behind for me.

Yeah, yeah. Apart from not seeing you every day.

SIMULTANEOUSLY: Shall we go and get gin?

THEY LAUGH

Shall we have a gin?

Let's have a gin. I mean... We've been so... Come on!

It was stressful plumping cushions. Oh, my gosh.

Next time, we go on horseback to the ancient city of Selinunte.

Look at that! I feel like I'm in a movie.

And my DIY skills hit a brick wall...

AMANDA GROANS

I might have to accept defeat.

..as we join forces to take on our last room.

I will compromise on this. You're going to compromise?

I will. That's on camera!

# When marimba rhythms start to play

# Dance with me Make me sway

# Like the lazy ocean hugs the shore

# Hold me close Sway me more

# Like a flower bending in the breeze

# Bend with me Sway with ease

# When we dance you have a way with me...#