Original subtitles

Last night, I was taking my make-up off and took everything

off with my wet wipes, everything.

This morning, I looked at the packet and it said, "Intimita."

So, I think they're wipes... For intimate parts...

Your nether regions. Oh, no.

And I took all my make-up off with them. Ooh.

"Intimita." Oh, no, look. Is that an omen?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Don't look, Alan. That is bad luck.

Don't look. I'll just say that pigeon heard you using your intimate

wipes and fell out the sky.

SHE LAUGHS

# Una mattina mi son svegliato

# O bella ciao, bella ciao, bella ciao, ciao, ciao

# Una mattina... #

In the medieval hilltop town of Salemi in western Sicily,

I've bought two dilapidated apartments for one euro each...

It's got good views.

For the first time in my life, I'm speechless.

..and we plan to transform them into one home in just three months.

We've completed the kitchen, bathrooms and my bedroom,

now we're taking on the courtyard garden.

And then back to the real world. Oh, my God. I know.

How are we going to turn this into some kind of tropical

paradise so that we feel that we're in our little spot?

I always thought I would come outside, and that would be the nice,

you know, finishing touches. We can put a little plant there,

and tile some steps. Done.

But it's not. I feel like it's going to be as big a deal as,

like, the kitchen or something like that.

Does this need to be here?

Well, I don't want it to be there.

I do wonder what all that is under there, you know.

I think in that corner there, and just having something creeping up,

and I'm just saying a bit of green... In a pot?

I'm all right with pots. Pots, pots, pots. I'm also wondering whether we

can put little pots up the stairs

cos I've seen lots of other houses with that.

Do you think a table and chairs in that area,

or do you think sunbathing there?

Cos I like a sunbathe. I'm just sweltering here. I just don't know

what's...what's the best? Is it the sun or is it the shade?

Am I good at making decisions? Erm...

Yeah. I mean, I do um and ah a lot.

I'm like that. Like a fish in the sea like that.

Amanda's an anaconda.

Straight there.

A table and chair might be nice over here, then.

So you eat in the shade. Sunbathe over there?

Yeah, yeah. Isn't it? Definitely, yeah.

Without much experience in creating outdoor spaces,

Amanda and I need to find out how the Sicilians do it,

including brushing up on our botany.

There's an app, isn't there, that you can click on the plant

and it tells you what it is. Really?

Yes. I've got one of those for wine, Alan. Really?

So, yeah, it's an app, and if you like a bottle of wine...

Yes, hello? ..in a restaurant... THEY CHUCKLE

..you take a picture of the label and then it tells you

where you can buy it.

But I don't trust those apps because I bought one of those astrology apps

during lockdown. You know, when you put it up in the sky and it tells

you the planets?

They said it was Venus.

It was my next door neighbour's security light.

For a little inspiration, we've been invited to visit

the gardens of one of the biggest wine producers in Sicily -

Donnafugata.

AMANDA GASPS

So pretty.

Over the past 32 years, its owners have created an authentic

Mediterranean design that we hope to imitate in our courtyard.

Bougainvillaea and a palm tree.

That's just happiness right there.

Oh, that says to me, holidays.

I like things that smell nice. So I like honeysuckles at night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That kind of thing.

Look at this gnarly trunk. Isn't that gorgeous?

If that tree could talk, it'd have some stories. It would.

What do you think of the walls?

I quite like the peachy colour.

All of it needs to be this colour

in keeping with the sort of fields and the landscape.

With the courtyard, we've got to just remember that it's quite urban.

There's quite a lot of concrete in it, so we have to soften

it all traditionally.

So we have to have the kind of

plants that are OK in shade and heat,

don't really require much love.

Sicily's baking hot climate requires drought-tolerant plants such

as palms, olive and citrus trees, which can withstand its

30-degree-plus summers.

Do you know what this is?

It's a rose. That's a geranium.

These grow anywhere as well.

I haven't done much gardening.

I've mowed a lawn and I've watered some hanging baskets,

but that's as far as it goes.

I did have a tomato plant when I was at school,

but, er, nothing ever came from it.

We need fairy lights, bougainvillaea. Yeah.

A shelf with some plants and two deck chairs, I want.

Yeah, yeah. And I think low-maintenance. Just like me.

HE SCOFFS

Anyway, erm...

THEY CHUCKLE

Sicilian gardens feature more than just plants with decorative

ceramics playing a big role in their design.

I keep seeing these everywhere.

I know! It looks like Princess Anne.

Doesn't it? If Princess Anne had a cactus on her head,

that'd be the spit and dip. Yeah.

Look!

Oh, my God. Look.

Oranges. Ooh!

That is disgusting.

This estate and its gardens have been run by the same family

for five generations.

Today we're meeting the lady at the helm, Jose Rallo.

Hello. Hello. Welcome. Hi. Welcome.

You have the most gorgeous place.

Thank you so much. Can I say something? Yeah.

We had one of your oranges.

SHE CHUCKLES

It wasn't very juicy.

Because those are oranges not to eat.

Oh. They're just ornamental.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God.

We love the pots...the...the...

BOTH: The faces. ..and the cacti.

Yes. Well, Sicily, you know,

is a mix match of different culture.

They go back to the Arab period.

As we had the Arabs for many, many centuries.

So what are the faces?

Sometimes the faces are noble faces.

Could you make a pot with my face on it?

Why not? I think there's a lot of people...

There's a lot of reasons.

..that can make this artisanal work.

Yes. Why not? Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

It'd be nice for your mum.

THEY LAUGH

How would you describe your wine?

Pleasant and complex.

Would you like to come for harvest time?

To pick? To pick. Of course. And to drink. And to drink.

To drink. You must.

The wine harvest here begins in August and we'll be back

in several weeks to help pick their staple grape -

Chardonnay.

I will be here. Open arms for you.

Yes, please! Open arms and open mouth.

And open mouth.

THEY LAUGH

In Salemi, our builders have been repairing the terracotta tiling

throughout the courtyard. Project manager Scott's attention

has turned to patching up the walls -

something he's keen to talk to me about.

The wall's out here. It's 150 square metres.

That's bigger than the whole flooring of the apartment.

Oh, blimey. The thing is as well, a lot of this paint has blown.

I don't know if you can hear the difference.

When you get... When it goes loud, it's cos it's hollow.

SCRAPING INTENSIFIES Oh. Oh.

Whilst me and Alan, you know, did think about having an outside space

and obviously the courtyard's going to feature really nicely,

I don't think I thought about cracks and rendering and possible stuff

that was going to go wrong with plaster.

I thought, "Oh, you know, a lick of paint and that would be enough."

So, what we've got to do is we've got to kind of knock off the loose

bits like this... Oh, my God.

..get it back to something that's pretty solid underneath.

You know, how are we going to do all that and then paint it?

Anything that's fallen off, we're going to take it off,

and patch it in, and then once we've done that,

I'm going to put a coat of this kind of rough plaster over everything.

Yeah? Oh, God.

And then we've got to get all of this cleaned up.

We've got to get plants. We've got to get furniture.

It does feel a bit overwhelming.

Show me how to do this.

You want a nice, good chunk on there.

Is that all right? That's plenty. Yep.

Perfect.

Perfect.

I like that it's rustic and old and a bit patchy, but I actually

don't really want to see it.

I'm wondering how much I can actually cover up.

Done. Did it. Did it.

Perfect.

While Amanda cracks on repairing the walls, I'm headed south to Sciacca -

Sicily's capital of ceramics.

Buongiorno!

HE LAUGHS

The island's stoneware-making traditions date back to 2000 BC,

and I want to bring a bit of heritage to our garden design

with some iconic Moorheads.

Buongiorno. Ciao.

Is that a squirrel?

Mm.

An aubergine!

This would be nice in the centre of the table.

I love animals and I love ceramics.

I mean, this is like a porcelain zoo for me.

I love it. You just want to get more and more. I've got to be careful.

I've got to rein myself in.

I could blow the whole budget on a load of pots and some fish,

and the naked woman ashtray.

Do you have...teste di Moro?

Si. Moorheads? Teste di Moro? Sopra.

Upstairs? Si. Can I see?

Prego. Oh, show me. Show me. Prego.

Oh, look.

Teste di Moro. Teste di Moro. Very good.

SHOPKEEPER CHUCKLES

I thought I'd just be popping in and, like, going, "Oh, I'll have

"that one and that one", but to be, actually, physically painting.

I mean, I haven't painted any pottery since I was

at Weston Favell Upper School.

I'll paint her like Amanda.

That's nice, and then what about lips?

Rosso. Rosso. Rouge. Rouge.

Rouge. Pomodoro. Duo Pomodoro. Due pomodori.

Oh, yeah. Oh, orange. OK.

That's fine.

Eyeliner, I loved.

Violet. OK. I'll do the other one.

Right, OK. Here we go.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no!

She's got a lazy eye.

Va bene.

Oh, hey, this is good.

She's coming alive.

I'd had a few drinks last night, so my hand was shaking.

I really didn't want to mess up her eyeliner, but I was pleased with it.

It looked all right.

I'm going for regal. Queen.

That looks like she's been in a fight.

Yes? You take over?

Listen, I'm going to come back and collect this in, like, a week

or so when it's done? Thank you. OK. Grazie mille.

Back at the apartment, it's time to work on a much larger canvas -

our Mediterranean inspired peach walls.

Shall we have a look at this paint?

Ew!

Did you pick it blind?

Oh, my God.

I mean... You haven't bought much of it, have you? No.

That colour is horrendous.

It is like...

Donald Trump orange.

I don't want that on my walls.

Do you think that was more like the original colour and the sun's

bleached all of this out?

I think it probably wasn't that far off. Yeah.

It is a bit too orange. Too orange.

I don't want to upset the neighbours any more than we already are with

all the drilling and everything else. Yeah, that's fair enough.

I think they'd be a little bit offended by that.

As the renovations forge ahead,

Scott's continuing to remove the blown plaster,

but it's unearthed a familiar problem.

This morning I've been knocking off render on the outside of

the kitchen wall.

The mesh that is used to hold the walls together and give it a bit

of extra reinforcement in the event of an earthquake has rusted.

In 1968, an earthquake devastated Salemi.

So many of the houses were reinforced with a steel mesh to help

protect them against further tremors.

But over the course of the century, the years have taken their toll.

The grille, as you can see, it's just, er, rusted away

to next to nothing.

It's all got to be re-meshed, tied into the wall and re-rendered.

So, yeah, it's quite a bit of extra work.

I think Amanda and Alan have been having nightmares about this mesh

since the kitchen, and we knew there was a chance we'd find

it on the outside.

So, yeah, unfortunately, I've got to tell Amanda and Alan.

See, I used to love charity shops. Oh, my God. And I did.

So, I'd get all the old stuff from a charity shop,

wear it and then go clubbing.

I mean, I must have stank like death.

I used to like the cable knit cardigans with, like,

brown leather buttons.

Oh, God. I would go dancing in that.

Sounds disgusting. I know.

Oh, no. More mesh.

Oh, my God. It's like a mould on the house.

I've got a present for you. I know.

Has this whole thing got to come off?

This bit here and this bit here.

The rest of it's not too bad.

OK. Up there's OK. Oh, OK. Yep.

Oh, my God. To be honest, we need to do it properly.

Otherwise, we're just going to paint it,

and a year later, it's going to fall off.

Oh, dear. Here we are again.

Got to do a good job. I know, I know, I know.

We're disappointed, but... Yeah, because otherwise you'll put

something nice out here and it'll just fall down again next year

and look awful. Yeah. It won't last. We can't have that. Oh, dear.

All right. Thank you. If I find out you've got a company that makes mesh

and I find this is a scam...

HE LAUGHS

..you'll be hearing from my lawyers.

THEY LAUGH

We should have really had a good old test to see if there was that mesh

behind before we bought it. That was not in the black and white picture

in the brochure. I know. You should have done a bit more research.

No, but doesn't it put it into perspective... Yeah. ..one euro?

Because I'm telling people, "Oh, we bought a house for a euro." Yeah.

"Oh, I'll do that. Oh, get me one." Everyone wants to do it.

You're like, "Listen, love, it's not as easy as it seems."

Think about it. Think about it. BOTH: Think about it. Yeah.

It might be the most expensive euro you've ever spent.

We just have to keep going. We've done too much great stuff.

So, yeah, you have to keep working on it. Keep trying.

While Scott's team tackle the mesh, we're heading back

to the vineyards of Donnafugata to join in the harvest.

Are there any drinks that you've...you would vow

never to have again?

Well, grappa.

I just don't get grappa.

See, I like a tequila.

But you know what? Do you want to know a secret with tequila?

My clothes come off. That's when I fell in the Serpentine

when I had the one with the worm on it. Oh, my God.

Yes. You fell in the Serpentine?!

Yes. I'd had tequila the night before, and I was with me dogs

when Bev was alive, and then Bev dropped the ball and it rolled in

the Serpentine, and I went to get it,

and then I just tipped forward.

Oh, Alan! And then I was coming home, covered in water,

and you know when people are, like, pulling their kids away? Yeah!

We're joining Jose at her 800-acre estate to pick some grapes

and sample wine to serve at a soiree once the courtyard's complete.

So you work from 5.30 in morning till 10.30?

Exactly. Yeah. Especially for the Chardonnay, because Chardonnay ripen

at the very beginning of August when it is very hot.

Right.

So the clay and the climate in the western Sicily produce very,

very good Chardonnay grapes.

You see very, very small berry. It's still very sweet. So sweet. Yeah.

So sweet. Mm! A little bit of acidity. Cos there's a sweetness

but then just at the end, there's a bit of sharp. Yes.

Just a tiny bit sharp... Exactly, exactly.

..which is delish.

So here's... There's some Chardonnay grapes to harvest.

Look.

Look at her. She's fantastic.

Look. Maybe because she's a woman.

I love a drink. Her family are from vineyard...

Ancestors in the vineyard. Ancestors...

Females like you.

My mother was the first to cultivate vineyards in this area.

She knew exactly the moment she had to harvest.

She really loved the vines.

Females in the...in the vineyards are very good.

Would you like to try? Yeah, let's.

Because you can do it. Oh, no. I can... I can do it.

THEY LAUGH

You can do it, Alan.

Oh, it's back-breaking.

You're taking all the best ones, and when I come along,

there's nothing left for me to grab. Oh, Alan.

She's like a serial killer.

She is... Da da da da!

Yes. You've really hit the nail on the head.

She's like a serial killer.

Be careful. Oh, dear. Careful.

My voice can't go any higher, love.

Let's go and try the wine. Yes, please.

It's like a James Bond lair, isn't it? It is.

Oh.

AMANDA GASPS

Surprise!

Oh, my God. Is this your house?

Yes. That's hilarious.

It's right next door to all those... Just next door to the cellar.

Ooh. I prepared something very, very Sicilian for you two.

This is going to be perfect with your Chardonnay.

Exactly. Exactly.

You know in England, there are some ladies who are called Chardonnay.

Isn't that right? Yes. As a name? As a name.

Chardonnay. Oh! Yeah.

But we mustn't judge. But listen... I'm not judging. I'm just saying.

"Oi, Chablis!" "Chablis, get in!"

"Now!" "Your tea's ready!"

Oh, that's smooth. Very crisp.

Oh, that's smooth. What kind of typical Sicilian

welcome could we give to people if we had a little party?

Something very rustic.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. Yeah, I can do that.

Sicilian cheese. In England, when we have a soiree,

we make a cheese and pineapple hedgehog.

Do you have pineapple hedgehogs here?

No.

I prepared a second wine.

Yes, please. OK.

And it's so round, so soft.

Like you in a bottle?

Yes. It's like me in a bottle.

Oh, my God. It smells of Christmas.

Oh!

# Some things improve with age

# Like a vintage wine

# Growing mellow and fine

# As you let it reach the proper time

# Well, wine is not alone in getting better

# With the years

# A man is at his greatest

# When he's grey round the ears... #

Oh, Alan.

# ..Yes, an older man

# Is like an elegant wine. #

Oh, that's amazing.

I can't help thinking you were barking up the wrong tree.

SHE LAUGHS

A few days later, and it seems

Jose's passion for singing is rubbing off.

# If you gonna be a square You ain't gonna go nowhere.

# Hey Mambo

# Mambo Italiano

# Mambo

# Italiano. #

Ugh!

I'm heading south of the island to Menfi to meet two Sicilian

artists to create a surprise centrepiece for the courtyard.

Buongiorno. Buongiorno.

I'm waiting for two people as well. I'm not lonely.

Grazie.

From the Greeks to the Arabs,

Sicily's art reflects the melting pot of cultures that have thrived

on the island for the last 3,000 years,

and I'm hoping painters Damiano and Biagio can bring a touch

of its rich history to our courtyard.

Buongiorno! Buongiorno.

Oh, lovely.

Salve. Buongiorno. Buongiorno.

How do I get this look?

This is the Bohemian look.

You are a Sicilian Russell Brand.

Yeah, yeah. Sicilian Russell Brand.

But I'm not here to talk about fashion.

Biagio and Damiano are Baroque-style painters with a flair for using bold

colours inspired by the Sicilian landscape.

Oh, yes. That's just what we want.

How about doing a barrel?

I like that. Yes. This is a surprise for Amanda.

Yeah, yeah. We can use the same colour.

But what inspires you, then?

We are painter of Sicilian cart,

and the colour of the Sicilian cart is very strong because the cart

represents two centuries of sacrifice,

passion and the heart of the Sicilian people.

These horse-drawn wooden carts were first used across Sicily

in the 19th century. Handcrafted and brightly painted,

they depict folklore about religion, war and everyday life.

OK, the main colour is the red,

but for the decoration we need to find the contrast.

So, we use colour like the blue, pink. Oh, nice. Light yellow.

That's just what we want. I love the colours.

I love the reds. Just so bright, so bold.

And it sort of says, "It's party time - let's have a drink."

We paint in a Catagno style and the influence is more Baroque style.

Flamboyant and out there, and, "Look at me. Look at me."

I'm Baroque!

We are Baroque! You are Baroque. Yes.

I can't wait to see the barrel.

But you must keep it. Sh!

I mean, I'm fine with you. I think you'll keep it secret.

I don't know about you. You might be telling everyone in Salemi, no?

THEY LAUGH

Back in the courtyard, the builders have been hard at work replacing

the old rusted mesh with a new galvanised version.

As the infrastructure of the building is secured,

it's time for us to tackle the tiles.

Very casual with the jet spray.

You've got your hand on your hip and you're doing it with one hand.

You've got to get in. Well, show me.

Come on, show me like, um... Get in.

Now get in. Right in. All right. In.

That's it. Yeah. You want to get...

Hard. OK. All right!

You just aren't putting in as much effort.

I am. I am. You're not.

You're very casual about it, I have to say.

Well, yeah, I'm very casual. You're a bit anal about it.

I think you need to get a life.

Let me show you this. Look.

See?

Look at that.

Stop it now!

Step away...

AMANDA LAUGHS

Stop it now!

You're naughty.

You're so childish.

Joking aside. Yeah?

Look how lovely it is. They are. They have come up lovely.

Especially my row. Come on, let's go and have some lunch.

It's so satisfying.

Yeah. Anyway...

With the tiles coming up nicely, the builders can get to work

rendering the courtyard walls

and painting them a lighter shade of peach.

After weeks of designing, tackling mesh, and an education in plants

and wine, our little corner of the Med is ready to be brought to life.

Oh, watch my bougainvillaea!

I'm going to take control. I heard my mother in my voice then.

Ooh! Vicar!

As our celebratory soiree is imminent, I've borrowed a suitably

colourful van to deliver my Sicilian centrepiece.

Boy, have I got a surprise for you.

Do you know what was so strange?

The crucifix was banging

against me glasses.

THEY LAUGH

I felt like it was a sign.

Put it down, please.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

Just stunning. I know. It's lovely.

Would you like to see another surprise? No!

Oh, my God, Alan.

I did the eyebrows.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, this is really heavy, Amanda. Yeah.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I have to say, this was the thing I was dreading the most

because I couldn't see how we could ever make it look

anything less than a building site.

Just shows you what you can do and so worth doing.

It's just gorgeous. And so much colour as well.

You've got the red barrels. It's the festoons and the palms.

And the green and the boug-bougainvillaea...

Bougainvillaea. Bougainvillaea, and me one lemon.

Waiting for me to put in a gin and tonic. No, don't take it.

Let's just have one lemon left. I won't, I won't. Yep.

Shall we go and get ready?

What are you wearing? Trousers.

Trousers. Floral trousers because

I thought I'll go flowery like the garden.

Well, I'm wearing a Sou'wester.

SHE LAUGHS

No, I'm going to be positive for the party.

Like all British garden parties, the weather's turned,

so we'll have to enjoy the courtyard from the kitchen instead.

It's still raining.

Have a glass of wine.

Ciao! I'm coming. Una second.

Una second. Can we come in?

Please come in. I'm sorry about the rain.

I'm sorry about the rain.

Hello. Oh!

Buona sera!

Oh, gorgeous!

I can't believe it.

For the first time since we've been here, it's rained.

You know what we say?

A wet party is a lucky party.

A wet party is a lucky party?

You've made that up.

I swear! Oh, I love that.

We've been here eating all your lovely Sicilian food

and drinking your Sicilian wine,

so me and Amanda have made you something which is from England.

It is a delicacy. Mind your fingers.

Oh, oh. It's crisps.

THEY LAUGH

Guys, it's stopped raining.

These go on the back bench,

like, to sit your bottom on.

The most important thing.

I feel now it's going up a gear. I really do.

We're going to celebrate with one of your amazing wines.

Thank you.

You may...

THEY CHEER

Salute!

SHE SINGS IN ITALIAN

# La, la la la... #

SHE HOLDS LONG NOTE

Oh, yes!

Thank you! Yay!

Wonderful.

Thank you so much.

Next time... Oh, my God.

..we go grand at one of Palermo's most prestigious hotels...

It looks a bit like Elton John's downstairs toilet.

..and Amanda brings glamour to Salemi...

Make sure the palms are like that.

..with the bedroom of her dreams.

I want it to feel like a pocket of Hollywood in Sicily.

MUSIC: A Far L'amore Comincia Tu by Raffaella Carra