All language subtitles for Amanda.and.Alans.Italian.Job.S01E05.720p.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Subtitles01.ENG

Last night, I was taking my make-up
off and took everything

off with my wet wipes, everything.

This morning, I looked at the packet
and it said, "Intimita."

So, I think they're wipes...
For intimate parts...

Your nether regions.
Oh, no.

And I took all my make-up off with
them. Ooh.

"Intimita." Oh, no, look.
Is that an omen?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Don't look, Alan. That is bad luck.

Don't look. I'll just say that
pigeon heard you using your intimate

wipes and fell out the sky.

SHE LAUGHS

# Una mattina mi son svegliato

# O bella ciao, bella ciao, bella
ciao, ciao, ciao

# Una mattina... #

In the medieval hilltop town
of Salemi in western Sicily,

I've bought two dilapidated
apartments for one euro each...

It's got good views.

For the first time in my life,
I'm speechless.

..and we plan to transform them into
one home in just three months.

We've completed the kitchen,
bathrooms and my bedroom,

now we're taking
on the courtyard garden.

And then back to the real world.
Oh, my God. I know.

How are we going to turn
this into some kind of tropical

paradise so that we feel
that we're in our little spot?

I always thought I would come
outside, and that would be the nice,

you know, finishing touches. We can
put a little plant there,

and tile some steps. Done.

But it's not. I feel like it's going
to be as big a deal as,

like, the kitchen
or something like that.

Does this need to be here?

Well, I don't want it to be there.

I do wonder what all that is
under there, you know.

I think in that corner there, and
just having something creeping up,

and I'm just saying a bit of
green... In a pot?

I'm all right with pots. Pots, pots,
pots. I'm also wondering whether we

can put little pots up the stairs

cos I've seen lots of other houses
with that.

Do you think a table and chairs
in that area,

or do you think sunbathing there?

Cos I like a sunbathe. I'm just
sweltering here. I just don't know

what's...what's the best?
Is it the sun or is it the shade?

Am I good at making decisions?
Erm...

Yeah. I mean, I do um and ah a lot.

I'm like that. Like a fish
in the sea like that.

Amanda's an anaconda.

Straight there.

A table and chair might be nice
over here, then.

So you eat in the shade.
Sunbathe over there?

Yeah, yeah. Isn't it?
Definitely, yeah.

Without much experience
in creating outdoor spaces,

Amanda and I need to find out
how the Sicilians do it,

including brushing up on our botany.

There's an app, isn't there, that
you can click on the plant

and it tells you what it is.
Really?

Yes. I've got one of those for wine,
Alan. Really?

So, yeah, it's an app, and if you
like a bottle of wine...

Yes, hello? ..in a restaurant...
THEY CHUCKLE

..you take a picture of the label
and then it tells you

where you can buy it.

But I don't trust those apps because
I bought one of those astrology apps

during lockdown. You know, when you
put it up in the sky and it tells

you the planets?

They said it was Venus.

It was my next door neighbour's
security light.

For a little inspiration,
we've been invited to visit

the gardens of one of the biggest
wine producers in Sicily -

Donnafugata.

AMANDA GASPS

So pretty.

Over the past 32 years, its owners
have created an authentic

Mediterranean design that we hope
to imitate in our courtyard.

Bougainvillaea and a palm tree.

That's just happiness right there.

Oh, that says to me, holidays.

I like things that smell nice.
So I like honeysuckles at night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That kind of thing.

Look at this gnarly trunk.
Isn't that gorgeous?

If that tree could talk,
it'd have some stories. It would.

What do you think of the walls?

I quite like the peachy colour.

All of it needs to be this colour

in keeping with the sort of fields
and the landscape.

With the courtyard, we've got to
just remember that it's quite urban.

There's quite a lot of concrete
in it, so we have to soften

it all traditionally.

So we have to have the kind of

plants that are OK
in shade and heat,

don't really require much love.

Sicily's baking hot climate requires
drought-tolerant plants such

as palms, olive and citrus trees,
which can withstand its

30-degree-plus summers.

Do you know what this is?

It's a rose. That's a geranium.

These grow anywhere as well.

I haven't done much gardening.

I've mowed a lawn and I've watered
some hanging baskets,

but that's as far as it goes.

I did have a tomato plant
when I was at school,

but, er, nothing ever came from it.

We need fairy lights,
bougainvillaea. Yeah.

A shelf with some plants
and two deck chairs, I want.

Yeah, yeah. And I think
low-maintenance. Just like me.

HE SCOFFS

Anyway, erm...

THEY CHUCKLE

Sicilian gardens feature more than
just plants with decorative

ceramics playing a big role
in their design.

I keep seeing these everywhere.

I know! It looks like Princess Anne.

Doesn't it? If Princess Anne had a
cactus on her head,

that'd be the spit and dip.
Yeah.

Look!

Oh, my God. Look.

Oranges. Ooh!

That is disgusting.

This estate and its gardens have
been run by the same family

for five generations.

Today we're meeting the lady
at the helm, Jose Rallo.

Hello. Hello. Welcome. Hi. Welcome.

You have the most gorgeous place.

Thank you so much.
Can I say something? Yeah.

We had one of your oranges.

SHE CHUCKLES

It wasn't very juicy.

Because those
are oranges not to eat.

Oh. They're just ornamental.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God.

We love the pots...the...the...

BOTH: The faces.
..and the cacti.

Yes. Well, Sicily, you know,

is a mix match
of different culture.

They go back to the Arab period.

As we had the Arabs for many,
many centuries.

So what are the faces?

Sometimes the faces are noble faces.

Could you make a pot with my
face on it?

Why not? I think there's a lot of
people...

There's a lot of reasons.

..that can make
this artisanal work.

Yes. Why not?
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

It'd be nice for your mum.

THEY LAUGH

How would you describe your wine?

Pleasant and complex.

Would you like to come for harvest
time?

To pick? To pick. Of course.
And to drink. And to drink.

To drink. You must.

The wine harvest here begins
in August and we'll be back

in several weeks to help
pick their staple grape -

Chardonnay.

I will be here.
Open arms for you.

Yes, please!
Open arms and open mouth.

And open mouth.

THEY LAUGH

In Salemi, our builders have been
repairing the terracotta tiling

throughout the courtyard.
Project manager Scott's attention

has turned to patching
up the walls -

something he's keen to talk
to me about.

The wall's out here.
It's 150 square metres.

That's bigger than the whole
flooring of the apartment.

Oh, blimey. The thing is as well,
a lot of this paint has blown.

I don't know if you can hear
the difference.

When you get... When it goes loud,
it's cos it's hollow.

SCRAPING INTENSIFIES
Oh. Oh.

Whilst me and Alan, you know, did
think about having an outside space

and obviously the courtyard's
going to feature really nicely,

I don't think I thought about cracks
and rendering and possible stuff

that was going to go wrong
with plaster.

I thought, "Oh, you know, a lick
of paint and that would be enough."

So, what we've got to do is we've
got to kind of knock off the loose

bits like this...
Oh, my God.

..get it back to something
that's pretty solid underneath.

You know, how are we going to do
all that and then paint it?

Anything that's fallen off,
we're going to take it off,

and patch it in, and then once
we've done that,

I'm going to put a coat of this kind
of rough plaster over everything.

Yeah? Oh, God.

And then we've got to get
all of this cleaned up.

We've got to get plants.
We've got to get furniture.

It does feel a bit overwhelming.

Show me how to do this.

You want a nice,
good chunk on there.

Is that all right?
That's plenty. Yep.

Perfect.

Perfect.

I like that it's rustic and old and
a bit patchy, but I actually

don't really want to see it.

I'm wondering how much
I can actually cover up.

Done. Did it. Did it.

Perfect.

While Amanda cracks on repairing the
walls, I'm headed south to Sciacca -

Sicily's capital of ceramics.

Buongiorno!

HE LAUGHS

The island's stoneware-making
traditions date back to 2000 BC,

and I want to bring a bit
of heritage to our garden design

with some iconic Moorheads.

Buongiorno. Ciao.

Is that a squirrel?

Mm.

An aubergine!

This would be nice in the centre
of the table.

I love animals and I love ceramics.

I mean, this is like
a porcelain zoo for me.

I love it. You just want to get more
and more. I've got to be careful.

I've got to rein myself in.

I could blow the whole budget
on a load of pots and some fish,

and the naked woman ashtray.

Do you have...teste di Moro?

Si. Moorheads?
Teste di Moro? Sopra.

Upstairs? Si. Can I see?

Prego. Oh, show me. Show me. Prego.

Oh, look.

Teste di Moro. Teste di Moro.
Very good.

SHOPKEEPER CHUCKLES

I thought I'd just be popping in
and, like, going, "Oh, I'll have

"that one and that one", but to be,
actually, physically painting.

I mean, I haven't painted any
pottery since I was

at Weston Favell Upper School.

I'll paint her like Amanda.

That's nice,
and then what about lips?

Rosso. Rosso. Rouge. Rouge.

Rouge. Pomodoro. Duo Pomodoro.
Due pomodori.

Oh, yeah. Oh, orange. OK.

That's fine.

Eyeliner, I loved.

Violet. OK. I'll do the other one.

Right, OK. Here we go.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no!

She's got a lazy eye.

Va bene.

Oh, hey, this is good.

She's coming alive.

I'd had a few drinks last night,
so my hand was shaking.

I really didn't want to mess up her
eyeliner, but I was pleased with it.

It looked all right.

I'm going for regal. Queen.

That looks like she's been
in a fight.

Yes? You take over?

Listen, I'm going to come back
and collect this in, like, a week

or so when it's done?
Thank you. OK. Grazie mille.

Back at the apartment, it's time to
work on a much larger canvas -

our Mediterranean inspired
peach walls.

Shall we have a look at this paint?

Ew!

Did you pick it blind?

Oh, my God.

I mean... You haven't bought
much of it, have you? No.

That colour is horrendous.

It is like...

Donald Trump orange.

I don't want that on my walls.

Do you think that was more like the
original colour and the sun's

bleached all of this out?

I think it probably wasn't
that far off. Yeah.

It is a bit too orange.
Too orange.

I don't want to upset the neighbours
any more than we already are with

all the drilling and everything
else. Yeah, that's fair enough.

I think they'd be a little bit
offended by that.

As the renovations forge ahead,

Scott's continuing to remove
the blown plaster,

but it's unearthed
a familiar problem.

This morning I've been knocking
off render on the outside of

the kitchen wall.

The mesh that is used to hold
the walls together and give it a bit

of extra reinforcement in the event
of an earthquake has rusted.

In 1968, an earthquake devastated
Salemi.

So many of the houses were
reinforced with a steel mesh to help

protect them against
further tremors.

But over the course of the century,
the years have taken their toll.

The grille, as you can see,
it's just, er, rusted away

to next to nothing.

It's all got to be re-meshed, tied
into the wall and re-rendered.

So, yeah, it's quite a bit
of extra work.

I think Amanda and Alan have been
having nightmares about this mesh

since the kitchen, and we knew
there was a chance we'd find

it on the outside.

So, yeah, unfortunately,
I've got to tell Amanda and Alan.

See, I used to love charity shops.
Oh, my God. And I did.

So, I'd get all the old stuff
from a charity shop,

wear it and then go clubbing.

I mean, I must have stank
like death.

I used to like the cable
knit cardigans with, like,

brown leather buttons.

Oh, God. I would go dancing in that.

Sounds disgusting. I know.

Oh, no. More mesh.

Oh, my God.
It's like a mould on the house.

I've got a present for you.
I know.

Has this whole thing
got to come off?

This bit here and this bit here.

The rest of it's not too bad.

OK. Up there's OK. Oh, OK. Yep.

Oh, my God. To be honest,
we need to do it properly.

Otherwise, we're just going
to paint it,

and a year later,
it's going to fall off.

Oh, dear. Here we are again.

Got to do a good job.
I know, I know, I know.

We're disappointed, but... Yeah,
because otherwise you'll put

something nice out here and it'll
just fall down again next year

and look awful. Yeah. It won't last.
We can't have that. Oh, dear.

All right. Thank you. If I find out
you've got a company that makes mesh

and I find this is a scam...

HE LAUGHS

..you'll be hearing
from my lawyers.

THEY LAUGH

We should have really had a good old
test to see if there was that mesh

behind before we bought it. That was
not in the black and white picture

in the brochure. I know. You should
have done a bit more research.

No, but doesn't it put it into
perspective... Yeah. ..one euro?

Because I'm telling people, "Oh, we
bought a house for a euro." Yeah.

"Oh, I'll do that. Oh, get me one."
Everyone wants to do it.

You're like, "Listen, love,
it's not as easy as it seems."

Think about it. Think about it.
BOTH: Think about it. Yeah.

It might be the most expensive euro
you've ever spent.

We just have to keep going.
We've done too much great stuff.

So, yeah, you have to keep
working on it. Keep trying.

While Scott's team tackle
the mesh, we're heading back

to the vineyards of Donnafugata
to join in the harvest.

Are there any drinks that
you've...you would vow

never to have again?

Well, grappa.

I just don't get grappa.

See, I like a tequila.

But you know what? Do you want
to know a secret with tequila?

My clothes come off. That's when
I fell in the Serpentine

when I had the one with the worm
on it. Oh, my God.

Yes. You fell in the Serpentine?!

Yes. I'd had tequila the night
before, and I was with me dogs

when Bev was alive, and then Bev
dropped the ball and it rolled in

the Serpentine,
and I went to get it,

and then I just tipped forward.

Oh, Alan! And then I was coming
home, covered in water,

and you know when people are, like,
pulling their kids away? Yeah!

We're joining Jose at her 800-acre
estate to pick some grapes

and sample wine to serve at a soiree
once the courtyard's complete.

So you work from 5.30 in morning
till 10.30?

Exactly. Yeah. Especially for the
Chardonnay, because Chardonnay ripen

at the very beginning of August
when it is very hot.

Right.

So the clay and the climate
in the western Sicily produce very,

very good Chardonnay grapes.

You see very, very small berry. It's
still very sweet. So sweet. Yeah.

So sweet. Mm! A little bit of
acidity. Cos there's a sweetness

but then just at the end,
there's a bit of sharp. Yes.

Just a tiny bit sharp...
Exactly, exactly.

..which is delish.

So here's... There's some Chardonnay
grapes to harvest.

Look.

Look at her. She's fantastic.

Look. Maybe because she's a woman.

I love a drink.
Her family are from vineyard...

Ancestors in the vineyard.
Ancestors...

Females like you.

My mother was the first to cultivate
vineyards in this area.

She knew exactly the moment
she had to harvest.

She really loved the vines.

Females in the...in the vineyards
are very good.

Would you like to try?
Yeah, let's.

Because you can do it. Oh, no.
I can... I can do it.

THEY LAUGH

You can do it, Alan.

Oh, it's back-breaking.

You're taking all the best ones,
and when I come along,

there's nothing left for me to grab.
Oh, Alan.

She's like a serial killer.

She is...
Da da da da!

Yes. You've really hit the nail
on the head.

She's like a serial killer.

Be careful. Oh, dear. Careful.

My voice can't go any higher, love.

Let's go and try the wine.
Yes, please.

It's like a James Bond lair,
isn't it? It is.

Oh.

AMANDA GASPS

Surprise!

Oh, my God. Is this your house?

Yes. That's hilarious.

It's right next door to all those...
Just next door to the cellar.

Ooh. I prepared something very,
very Sicilian for you two.

This is going to be perfect
with your Chardonnay.

Exactly. Exactly.

You know in England, there are some
ladies who are called Chardonnay.

Isn't that right? Yes.
As a name? As a name.

Chardonnay. Oh! Yeah.

But we mustn't judge. But listen...
I'm not judging. I'm just saying.

"Oi, Chablis!" "Chablis, get in!"

"Now!" "Your tea's ready!"

Oh, that's smooth. Very crisp.

Oh, that's smooth.
What kind of typical Sicilian

welcome could we give to people if
we had a little party?

Something very rustic.

Cheese. Cheese. Cheese.
Yeah, I can do that.

Sicilian cheese. In England, when we
have a soiree,

we make a cheese
and pineapple hedgehog.

Do you have pineapple hedgehogs
here?

No.

I prepared a second wine.

Yes, please. OK.

And it's so round, so soft.

Like you in a bottle?

Yes. It's like me in a bottle.

Oh, my God.
It smells of Christmas.

Oh!

# Some things improve with age

# Like a vintage wine

# Growing mellow and fine

# As you let it reach
the proper time

# Well, wine is not alone
in getting better

# With the years

# A man is at his greatest

# When he's grey round the ears... #

Oh, Alan.

# ..Yes, an older man

# Is like an elegant wine. #

Oh, that's amazing.

I can't help thinking you were
barking up the wrong tree.

SHE LAUGHS

A few days later, and it seems

Jose's passion for singing is
rubbing off.

# If you gonna be a square
You ain't gonna go nowhere.

# Hey Mambo

# Mambo Italiano

# Mambo

# Italiano. #

Ugh!

I'm heading south of the island
to Menfi to meet two Sicilian

artists to create a surprise
centrepiece for the courtyard.

Buongiorno. Buongiorno.

I'm waiting for two people as well.
I'm not lonely.

Grazie.

From the Greeks to the Arabs,

Sicily's art reflects the melting
pot of cultures that have thrived

on the island for the last
3,000 years,

and I'm hoping painters Damiano
and Biagio can bring a touch

of its rich history
to our courtyard.

Buongiorno! Buongiorno.

Oh, lovely.

Salve. Buongiorno.
Buongiorno.

How do I get this look?

This is the Bohemian look.

You are a Sicilian Russell Brand.

Yeah, yeah. Sicilian Russell Brand.

But I'm not here to talk
about fashion.

Biagio and Damiano are Baroque-style
painters with a flair for using bold

colours inspired by
the Sicilian landscape.

Oh, yes.
That's just what we want.

How about doing a barrel?

I like that. Yes.
This is a surprise for Amanda.

Yeah, yeah.
We can use the same colour.

But what inspires you, then?

We are painter of Sicilian cart,

and the colour of the Sicilian cart
is very strong because the cart

represents two centuries
of sacrifice,

passion and the heart
of the Sicilian people.

These horse-drawn wooden carts
were first used across Sicily

in the 19th century. Handcrafted
and brightly painted,

they depict folklore about religion,
war and everyday life.

OK, the main colour is the red,

but for the decoration
we need to find the contrast.

So, we use colour like the blue,
pink. Oh, nice. Light yellow.

That's just what we want.
I love the colours.

I love the reds.
Just so bright, so bold.

And it sort of says, "It's party
time - let's have a drink."

We paint in a Catagno style and the
influence is more Baroque style.

Flamboyant and out there, and,
"Look at me. Look at me."

I'm Baroque!

We are Baroque!
You are Baroque. Yes.

I can't wait to see the barrel.

But you must keep it. Sh!

I mean, I'm fine with you.
I think you'll keep it secret.

I don't know about you. You might be
telling everyone in Salemi, no?

THEY LAUGH

Back in the courtyard, the builders
have been hard at work replacing

the old rusted mesh with
a new galvanised version.

As the infrastructure of
the building is secured,

it's time for us to tackle
the tiles.

Very casual with the jet spray.

You've got your hand on your hip
and you're doing it with one hand.

You've got to get in.
Well, show me.

Come on, show me like, um... Get in.

Now get in. Right in. All right. In.

That's it. Yeah. You want to get...

Hard. OK. All right!

You just aren't putting
in as much effort.

I am. I am. You're not.

You're very casual about it,
I have to say.

Well, yeah, I'm very casual.
You're a bit anal about it.

I think you need to get a life.

Let me show you this. Look.

See?

Look at that.

Stop it now!

Step away...

AMANDA LAUGHS

Stop it now!

You're naughty.

You're so childish.

Joking aside. Yeah?

Look how lovely it is. They are.
They have come up lovely.

Especially my row. Come on, let's go
and have some lunch.

It's so satisfying.

Yeah. Anyway...

With the tiles coming up nicely,
the builders can get to work

rendering the courtyard walls

and painting them a lighter
shade of peach.

After weeks of designing, tackling
mesh, and an education in plants

and wine, our little corner of the
Med is ready to be brought to life.

Oh, watch my bougainvillaea!

I'm going to take control.
I heard my mother in my voice then.

Ooh! Vicar!

As our celebratory soiree is
imminent, I've borrowed a suitably

colourful van to deliver
my Sicilian centrepiece.

Boy, have I got a surprise for you.

Do you know what was so strange?

The crucifix was banging

against me glasses.

THEY LAUGH

I felt like it was a sign.

Put it down, please.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

Just stunning.
I know. It's lovely.

Would you like to see another
surprise? No!

Oh, my God, Alan.

I did the eyebrows.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, this is really heavy, Amanda.
Yeah.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I have to say, this was the thing
I was dreading the most

because I couldn't see how
we could ever make it look

anything less than a building site.

Just shows you what you can do
and so worth doing.

It's just gorgeous.
And so much colour as well.

You've got the red barrels.
It's the festoons and the palms.

And the green and the
boug-bougainvillaea...

Bougainvillaea.
Bougainvillaea, and me one lemon.

Waiting for me to put in a gin and
tonic. No, don't take it.

Let's just have one lemon left.
I won't, I won't. Yep.

Shall we go and get ready?

What are you wearing? Trousers.

Trousers. Floral trousers because

I thought I'll go flowery
like the garden.

Well, I'm wearing a Sou'wester.

SHE LAUGHS

No, I'm going to be positive
for the party.

Like all British garden
parties, the weather's turned,

so we'll have to enjoy the courtyard
from the kitchen instead.

It's still raining.

Have a glass of wine.

Ciao! I'm coming. Una second.

Una second. Can we come in?

Please come in.
I'm sorry about the rain.

I'm sorry about the rain.

Hello. Oh!

Buona sera!

Oh, gorgeous!

I can't believe it.

For the first time since we've
been here, it's rained.

You know what we say?

A wet party is a lucky party.

A wet party is a lucky party?

You've made that up.

I swear! Oh, I love that.

We've been here eating all your
lovely Sicilian food

and drinking your Sicilian wine,

so me and Amanda have made you
something which is from England.

It is a delicacy.
Mind your fingers.

Oh, oh. It's crisps.

THEY LAUGH

Guys, it's stopped raining.

These go on the back bench,

like, to sit your bottom on.

The most important thing.

I feel now it's going up a gear.
I really do.

We're going to celebrate
with one of your amazing wines.

Thank you.

You may...

THEY CHEER

Salute!

SHE SINGS IN ITALIAN

# La, la la la... #

SHE HOLDS LONG NOTE

Oh, yes!

Thank you! Yay!

Wonderful.

Thank you so much.

Next time...
Oh, my God.

..we go grand at one of Palermo's
most prestigious hotels...

It looks a bit like Elton
John's downstairs toilet.

..and Amanda brings glamour
to Salemi...

Make sure the palms are like that.

..with the bedroom of her dreams.

I want it to feel like a pocket
of Hollywood in Sicily.

MUSIC: A Far L'amore Comincia Tu
by Raffaella Carra