Original subtitles

CHURCH BELL CHIMES

Come on, then, love, how do you even use one of these?

Try and get in behind. Don't go up. Don't be scared.

OK, right. Ooh... With this hand, as well.

Oh, here we are. Coming away. Maybe come in. There's a hole!

I did a jigsaw of Jason Statham once - that was quite manly -

sat through a Fast & Furious. That's quite manly, isn't it?

I don't do anything manly! I can't even walk manly.

All right, come on, then. Reckon that loosens it up? Yeah.

Yeah!

Oh! Should we take it out to the garden?

Oh, that came out. Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah! I think it'll clean up fine. I'll go and get the rest of it down.

Yeah. Can't wait.

AMANDA: In the medieval town of Salemi in western Sicily,

I've bought two rundown apartments for one euro each.

There's so much culture, so much history,

so to be able to find something for a euro in an area like this,

it is like a fairy tale for me.

And in just three months, we hope to transform them

into one gorgeous home.

I would love that house to look better than when we first arrived.

I don't know how it can look any worse!

With the help of our project manager, Scott,

and his team of builders, we've completed the kitchen.

Now we're going to divide and conquer to tackle the two bathrooms.

You see, here's me bathroom here. Yeah.

Do you see? I'm going for a wet-look room. Nice.

So, you've got statement sink there. You come in... Statement sink.

..shower, bidet.

Got to have a bidet.

Why do you have to have a bidet? Because Sicilian people have bidets.

I want it to be traditional!

Have you ever used a bidet in your life? I washed some Crocs

in it. OK, then... But listen, let's live the Sicilian life.

I don't get it. I hate bidets with a passion.

But it's your bathroom. Taste is something you're born with.

Hello!

But I think when it comes to taste for houses, the longer I'm staying

in Sicily, I'm like, "Ooh, that colour's nice.

"Oh, I love that door."

It all sounds very pretentious, but that's how I feel.

I think green. Love that. I love green in a room.

Sage. Minty fresh. I'm fresh. I've had a wash. I'm on the bidet.

I am as fresh and clean as my tiles. And your toilet's there.

Maybe. I feel like you do need a toilet next to the wall.

That's going to have to be frosted, as well. No!

AMANDA LAUGHS

Given what I paid... Yeah, why not give some of the people a treat?

Let's go and have a look at mine now. OK, then, love.

Our styles and tastes are...

..very contrasting.

Luckily!

I cannot wait to do this. Like, my little roll-top there, my sink

there. And I think I'll hide my toilet over there in the corner.

We need to talk about your roll-top bath. Why?

They don't do them in Sicily.

It's going to cost a fortune to get them over. So, erm...

HE CHUCKLES

Why are you laughing?! I'm having a bath. I'm not having a shower.

Having a bath. But do you remember the bath from the other place?

I don't think we can use that bath. You can! It's disgusting,

but once you give it a good wipe... Oh, my God. That won't come off!

It will, it will, it will. And we're going to put tiles up the side,

like proper, traditional... I don't mind the idea of tiles,

because I can match the tiles to the bath. Yeah.

And if you've got a bidet... Yeah. ..I'm having a disco ball.

Disco ball. That is going to be the main event. It's so tacky.

I want it to be more rustic, where I think Amanda kind of wants

a bit of opulence and decadence - which is fine,

but, I mean, the disco ball, I don't know.

You don't want it to be like, "What's happened here?"

It will be super cool. You can choose any colour scheme,

so I might go for a bit of a pinkish one. Pink?!

Pink tiles. Pink and white. Pink floor.

I think it's too camp.

YOU think it's too camp?!

I do! Oh, my gosh. Yes. But I have pink things in my head.

I can't stand affected camp.

SHE LAUGHS

Well, this disco diva's not changing her mind, and she's ready

to get down to business.

Let's go! I'm going to take the tiles off in here.

OK, cool. So these first. Those first. Right.

Can you hear me? SHOUTS: Yes!

Ready?

DRILL WHIRS LOUDLY

Oh, my gosh! Awesome.

I love a power tool. I don't mind getting me hands dirty.

It's like slicing through butter.

I feel glad I've got me boots on today.

I mean, really, I would probably say I can turn my hand to most things.

God, I love that. I want one of these. Is that satisfying?

Very satisfying.

Watch out!

DRILL WHIRS LOUDLY

With all the tiles off, I've arranged a little treat for Amanda.

In my quest to embrace local traditions,

I'm taking her to the ancient salt flats at Marsala...

Where we're going to indulge ourselves with a traditional

spa, Sicilian style.

Have you ever sat in a salt pan thing before?

I've been in the Dead Sea. Your skin comes out -

it's soft as a baby's bottom. It's gorgeous.

If you've got any slits and splits, though...

What, like paper cuts? ..it will sting.

Hello!

The ancient salt pans here were created by the Phoenicians

around 2,700 years ago, and the salt that was harvested

was seen to be more valuable than gold.

Today, the high concentration of minerals in the salt are said

to have natural healing properties.

Have you ever had a colonic? I've had one. I love a colonic.

I just feel like it gets into those...

You watch bits of Lego and those sort of... Lego?

You need to change your diet if you're eating Lego.

I always say that you see all the things you've lost.

It's like The Generation Game going down the tube.

You're like, "Oh, I wondered where those dolly's shoes went."

I hate that, when they describe it, because I was like that

and she went, "Oh, someone likes cherry tomatoes."

I looked round - the tube was like a packet of gob-stoppers.

Oh, my God!

So good here, isn't it?

Let's do this. What a treat! Well, I don't think it's going to be like

a spa. I think it's going to be like a white building

and all that, and clean and clinical.

And then you walk down some steps into a salt thing.

Hmm! It's very...

..organic. Au naturel. Yes.

This isn't exactly what you sort of imagine.

But it's back to basics. It's classic Sicily.

You know, it's nice just to sit back, relax and let the salt

work its magic.

Is this where we're getting in? Let's get in that.

Oh, I can't wait to float.

Oh, no! Watch the splashing.

It's... Oh, it's...

Oh! Ooh! Oh! It's quite nice to float.

Oh! Do you think there's sulphur?

I've just hit me head on that bloody wall.

SHE LAUGHS

It's not funny!

You wally! Get the grit. It's gone in me mouth!

Come here. I'm going to give you the youngest knees in the UK.

No, no, that's not nice, Amanda. That's horrible.

I'm going to do my heels.

Urgh!

I've got black feet. I'm trying to relax, Amanda.

I'm not going to lie. I've got a stingy bum cheek

and a stingy thumb.

So I've obviously got things that I didn't know I had.

Like a feature? Yes!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, stinging my eyes. I'm coming out now.

Do you reckon they'll use this photo for the brochure?

It was so weird. It was nice, but then it smelt a bit.

And then the smell went, then it was scratchy.

It was very odd, a very surreal experience.

But I'd definitely do it again. It's completely bizarre.

You definitely won't forget it. I won't forget it.

No. I'm trying to, but I won't be able to!

SHE LAUGHS

Back at the apartment, the builders have fitted the water pipes

and are creating a level floor in preparation for our new tiles.

Now that Alan's convinced me to recycle the old bath...

..I've roped in my dad, Les.

He's here on holiday, and he's going to help me clean it.

My dad's built things, he's bashed down things.

So when I said, "Oh, I might need a spare pair of hands today,"

he was like, "I'm there."

I think it's just so he can get away from my mum, to be honest.

I've got loads of stuff. This is my favourite one.

I've got "Bum!". "Bum"!, that cleans everything away.

Possibly!

I love cleaning. You need some abrasive.

You can use bicarbonate of soda and vinegar. Try that.

Yeah. And then I'm going to do a lemon with some bicarb.

It smells like a nice salad dressing.

I've been quite controlling with Alan.

Did he back out of this job? He's made me have this bath,

because he doesn't want me to get my own way on this,

because, basically, I've had my own way on absolutely everything.

So what I'm going to do, Dad, I'm going to have a disco ball

in the bathroom. Have you passed this through Alan?

Alan thinks it's stupid. Knowing you, it'll work.

That is the right thing to say. I thought it might be.

For me, Dad, having you here is brilliant, because you know

what you're actually doing. I mean, Alan doesn't, really.

Alan's more front of house. He's definitely front of house.

Tell Alan, actually, his plan backfires, because it's good.

Who'd've thought that lemon and bicarb could have actually

done such a good job? I know.

With the bath now looking so much better and the new bathroom

floors level... We need to source some tiles, so we're heading back

to Palermo to get an order in.

Unless we've gone the wrong way... Oh, no. No, this is right.

I think we head back down there, look. Oh, here we are! Here!

We've come back to see our old friend Giuseppe

at tile factory Fogazza Millennium.

I really want, like, a quite heavily patterned, cool, pink tile.

What about this for me? That's a nice idea. That's what

I want it to go up me shower, like that. Oh, I love that.

Oh, there's loads here. Oh, you see, look.

Oh! This is the kind of thing I love. If they did it in... Pink.

Amanda! Alan! How are you? It's OK? Still can't speak Italian,

but we're back. We're trying.

Are they like this? Rosa? Rosa, yes, it's possible, possible.

Change the colour. Pink or black or white.

Oh! I change. There's so much choice.

Do you want to see the production?

Could we? Yes! Oh!

Giuseppe's craftsmen make these tiles by pouring the coloured

glazes into a reusable mould.

After agitating it to remove air bubbles, the mould is removed.

You wouldn't think those colours go together, but they do.

Damp sand and cement is then used to create the back of the tile.

Here. Amazing!

MACHINE WHIRS LOUDLY

Sounds like Chewbacca. Yeah!

After being pressed into shape, the tile dries in the sun

for the next eight to ten days, then it's ready to go.

Oh, look! Look at that!

You try for a tile? Yes, please!

Amanda, Alan, the best tile. So this, yes?

Very sloppy, isn't it? It's harder than it looks. Amanda!

Amanda knows what she wants and she'll do anything to get it.

SHE LAUGHS

It's ready. Surprise for you.

I don't want that on my wall.

Five. Five for Alan.

Now, Amanda.

Ohhh...!

ALL: Oh!

Seven. Seven.

It's got to be. Amanda!

My life wouldn't be worth living if I won.

I didn't think mine looked that bad.

Thank you. Grazie mille. Thank you.

Compared to Alan's, it looked great.

But can I just say? Giuseppe's so passionate about tiles,

I'm glad we're going to him and giving him our business...

Definitely. ..because he loves tiles. It's so sweet.

And it keeps it all local.

I've gone for a pink version of the patterned tiles I saw

in the shop with a terrazzo floor to match.

And I've gone minty fresh with green terrazzo.

God knows how we're going to get them up that hill.

All we have to do now is lay them.

As the renovations continue, it's clear that my Italian is also

in need of a serious upgrade.

I'm meeting one of my new neighbours, Maria Pia.

Pia?

She runs her own microbrewery in Salemi, and she's agreed to try

and get me started on the lingo.

Do you want a big glass? No, no, no. A pint? Like, two fingers...

OK. ..because it's still quite early.

This is an amber. Mm-hm. It's a little sweet.

It's very nice. It's very smooth.

Are you from Sicily originally?

Yes, from Salemi. Oh, wow! I born here,

I studied in Palermo.

I met Carlos, my husband, in California,

because we work in a winery. We learned to make beer,

so we come back to Salemi to open the brewery. That's amazing.

So young people come back to create something different. That's good,

because that's what we are hoping to do, as well, by investing

a euro for the scheme. Yes. And then we've employed all the locals,

and we're trying to embrace everything...

We can increase our economy.

I need sort of phrases that I can talk to builders, you know,

like "hurry up," "quicker."

"Quickly" in Sicilian is amuni. Amuni. Amuni.

Amuni, amuni, amuni!

OK, brilliant. If someone makes you cross...

Yes. This. Oh! "Go away."

"Go away."

OK. Why?!

Something dangerous happen...

..bedda matri! Bedda matri! Bedda matri!

OK.

First lesson! I think it went very well. Thank you.

I think you and I will be friends.

AMANDA BURPS Oh, excuse me! What was that?!

Sorry. It's the beer!

While Amanda learns a little Italian, to realise my dream of

a perfect bathroom, Scott's brought me to do some shopping in the nearby

town of Alcamo.

I've set my heart from the outset on having a bidet.

I'm going to have a look at a whole array of bidets.

Apparently, it is bidet world.

So, what kind of thing are you thinking? Well, I thought,

like, bidets were bidets. What about this one? This one's matt.

They all come in different shapes and sizes and, like, textures.

You see, these are nice, but they're quite long,

you see. For me to get back near the nozzle,

I'd have to really push back. Have you ever used a bidet before?

I've a feeling you use it the other way around. You don't? I don't know,

no-one tells you these... You don't get taught this in school, do you?

Look at that. That's like a work of art, that.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

I want the bidet to look so good that even Amanda'll go,

"I'm going to use that."

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

I think when it comes down to private parts, Sicilians and

Italians and Europeans in general are very open.

They're not ashamed of using a bidet.

Do you put soap in there, as well?

I want to make sure that it's right for you. OK.

Make sure your knee doesn't touch that tile.

Sit right down. I am sitting down.

Oh, no, me knee, y'see? It's too tight.

Oh, what a curveball. Literally.

Can I try before I buy? Give it a whirl.

Not a real one, though. No, no.

It's so close to the wall! I've got very long legs.

Is it comfortable? Well, no.

I feel very European in my sensibilities,

so I will gladly squat.

RIP!

Oh, my God! Me trousers have split!

Maybe I'm not meant to squat.

So let's go for that one. Sure. At least I can use that

and my knees are... Yeah. Let's do it.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I think you've ripped your pants. No, don't. Stop it.

If there was going to be a movie of your life, who would

you have being you? I'd say, playing me now,

Christopher Biggins.

Who would play you?

Oh... I bet this hasn't crossed your mind...!

It's funny you should say!

I always liked Reese Witherspoon. I feel like we look quite similar,

I think. She plays sort of cute but irritating people quite well.

You're not cute.

Our terrazzo floor tiles have arrived, ready for Scott

to give a masterclass in laying them.

So, we're doing this in the old way that they used to do.

Instead of using tile adhesive, this is... They use hummus.

Why does all building material look tasty?

Sorry, what were you saying? So, it's lime and sand and cement.

OK. In order to get the tiles at the right height, all the way

round the house we've got this line that is a metre away from

the final floor height. Ah! Mm!

So when we lay our tiles, we want them to be exactly

a metre down from this line. Perfect.

So you put the hummus on the floor. A nice bit of carrot

to go with that. I like a bit of celery.

Focus.

I was thinking this was going to be quite simple.

I thought it was just plonk 'em down like Tetris or something.

Yeah. It does feel like a test. I know. What was that metre thing?

It's like when you were in science and you watched the teacher doing

the experiment, and then you were left to do it with all the equipment

and you're like... "What did he say, again?" .."I can't do it."

So, Alan, the next one is yours.

Let me know when that's enough.

Really? Gawd!

OK, so I'm putting it on. Butt it right up to this.

That's it. Maybe wiggle it sideways or tap it.

Oh, sugar!

That's good. Oh, no.

I feel like Judge Rinder.

That's brilliant.

Right... Something about a metre. That's all I sort of remember.

Oh. Oh, God!

This is my big moment. I love these tiles.

Oh, that's going to be gorgeous.

HAMMERING

Is that enough? Oh, this stuff now. I don't care.

HE LAUGHS

No, I do care. I do care.

But if it's equal to the others, then... Just going to borrow that.

No, I need that! I just need it for one second. I need it!

Oh, God! Amanda, seriously, I need that. I'll be straight back.

I'm coming straight back.

I haven't got the proper tools.

I hate grafting.

That's why I got a job as a minor celebrity on the telly.

My God, that's amazing. Supposed to be 100, and it's on 100.

Well, that is going down.

Another crack from the hammer.

HE LAUGHS Looks great, Amanda. Does it? Yeah.

Yeah, Amanda's still working. And in my opinion,

Amanda needs to get a life. So I can be Scott's apprentice.

With pleasure. What's the going rate? At least a free beer.

Yes! I'm up for the free beer. There's going to be a sink there,

anyway. No-one's going to see the bloody tile.

I think some lino in that bathroom would be perfect.

A nice roll of lino. Lovely.

Up the walls, as well. Even in the shower.

So we don't have to go anywhere near any tiles.

Thankfully, the professionals are stepping in to finish the job,

leaving me to whisk Amanda away.

Alan and I have been told that the best views of the whole

of the west coast of Sicily are from the mountaintop town

of Erice as the sun goes down.

SHE GASPS

Look at the mist coming in.

At 751 metres above sea level,

Erice is a breathtaking medieval town.

With 60 churches and two castles, this is a tourist's dream.

But the best way to see this place

is just to wander its ancient cobbled streets.

BOTH: # Don't you want me, baby? #

MUSIC PLAYS NEARBY

Is it live?

Welcome to Mandy And Alan's Jazz Hour!

Where's it coming from?

We're not going up there and being her backing singers. Come on.

Well, I think we've missed the sunset views.

THEY LAUGH

Don't say I don't spoil you.

Ah! That is still gorgeous, though, isn't it?

Isn't it just?

Absolutely stunning. What would be your happy place?

I think, like, Gloucestershire and the Cotswolds...

Yeah. ..because my grandparents lived there and I spent such a lot

of time there as a kid, and we go there a lot.

So I think every sort of place I take my kids, like, you go,

"I did that when I was a kid and now I'm taking my own."

For me, it's got loads of happy times with my nan and grandad.

Nanny and Papa... Awww! ..we used to call them.

What's your happy place? Well, probably Dorset,

just because that's where I was born, Weymouth, and I just think

you can't beat... That coast. Yeah, that coast.

And that's a bit like up in Northumberland where MY nan,

nan and grandad, were. We used to go winkle picking

at St Mary's Lighthouse. And if they had the weather up there,

you wouldn't be able to get on that beach.

That's my happy place, as well. Anything with family.

It's anything where you've got those memories and when everything was

much simpler. Yes. You got tucked up into bed with... Hot milk,

my nan used to take me to bed with. I couldn't think of anything worse

now, but... Nostalgia, it's a funny thing. It is.

Aren't we lucky to be here? Oh, Alan!

Back in Salemi, builders have been hard at work,

tiling my minty-fresh wet room...

And laying my handmade patterned pink tiles.

Sicily's finest marble.

Watch your fingers.

CLONK!

What do you think?

It's still in one piece!

After weeks of hard graft...

The bathrooms are finally ready for us to bring our own unique

Sicilian spa to life.

Oh, I shouldn't have started that.

Ah! Is that going to stay on? Oh, look at that!

My mirror's gone up, which is good.

I'm going to have some flowers, I think.

That can just go in there.

I'm just going to give me bidet a little polish.

I don't want you to see this ball yet. Don't come in.

I think it's going to look cheap and tacky.

It's like some Hollywood actor who hasn't worked since the 1970s.

Oh, my God! That is amazing!

Oh, Alan! It's lovely, isn't it? It is stunning!

I'm so... I love the lemon tree! Not too much? Yes!

And it's going to love living in here with all that steam

and humidiation. I didn't even know about that.

What did I say? "Humiliation"? Humiliation?

I'm turning into my bloody nan!

I think there'll be enough humiliation when I'm naked

in the shower, but...

And me bidet. Oh!

There she blows. In't that lovely?

I like the fittings. Brushed copper.

Yeah. It's perfect - when I come in off the beach...

Please, please. Rinse. When I need to wash me smalls.

Yeah, that's it, put your thongs in there and your bikinis.

This looks fab. Yes. I have to say, I'm really

jelly-boots about this floor. It is GORGE.

You've done an amazing job. Thank you! Is your disco ball up?

I was going to say, I think you're going to die.

You've got to come and see my disco ball! All right. It is everything!

Let's have a look. Are you ready for this? I'm ready.

HE IMITATES A FANFARE

Come in. I've got to shut the door so you get the full effect.

THEY LAUGH

What do you think? Oh, Salemi's got its first nightclub.

Look. Arrive in here and you can enjoy a lovely bath.

Look at that! It's lovely. Do you know what, jewel?

I'm pleased it's bringing you so much joy. Yeah!

And you've always wanted it. I mean, this bath -

do you remember how disgusting it was? And we were like that.

And here you are, willingly getting in it, thinking how amazing it is.

Let's have a proper look. What do you think?

It's a little bit of Hollywood.

So, you gave me lots of hassle about that.

I'm not a disco ball convert, but I think it goes lovely in here.

You're sitting on the fence! No, no, no. Do you know what?

It feels fun. It feels fabulous. It was difficult.

The tiling, for me, was the first time... You had to learn a skill.

Learn a skill. Yours is great. Even the pattern of those pink ones

round the bath. We learnt from it. You learnt you didn't like it.

Yeah. I learned I love it. I gave it a go. You gave it a go.

That's the main thing. And the main thing...

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Funky chicken!

Next time...

One, two, three!

..we take you on Sicily's famous Zingaro coast...

Everything I buy and do, you question it.

And there's creative conflict.

I think it's going to look awful.

..as I design the bedroom of my dreams.

My theme is naturist nights.

MUSIC: Figli Delle Stelle by Alan Sorrenti