Original subtitles

Oh, there's Amanda's empties.

Buongiorno. Buongiorno, come va?

Sono accettato. Oh.

Un te e a cappuccino. OK.

Can I have it in a takeaway cup?

I wanted to sit and have a cake but I've got to work.

You know what life's like. Hey.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Right. Let's get renovating.

In the heart of western Sicily,

Amanda and I are embarking on an adventure.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

I love Sicily.

And I just want to embrace the culture.

I've bought two dilapidated apartments for one euro each

in the medieval hilltop town of Salemi.

And we plan to transform

them both into one home in just three months.

Bringing back an area's cultural identity is massively important.

For me and Alan to be part of that, it's just an amazing thing.

It's minging now.

We've cleared away the rubbish.

Oh, my god! Argh!

And smashed down a few walls.

And now, with the help of our project manager Scott and his team

of builders, we're kicking off the renovation by creating

an open-plan kitchen.

Scott. How are you doing?

It's going to be 36 degrees today. How are we going to do anything?

You get used to it. Really? No. I'm lying.

So, what are we going to do today?

We'll get rid of these tiles around the old kitchen.

Do you want to get changed? And we'll rock and roll.

I might have to do it topless.

Give the boys a bit of a treat. Some of the other workmen. La-la-la.

Right. Let's do it.

Start from the edge and just go...

Yeah, I'm not very practical,

but I've got to learn. Come on. I'm 45-slash-46.

Stage age, 39.

I've been a wuss when it comes to DIY, but I need to man up

and I need to get better.

Oh, my god. Beautiful.

I'm dripping.

Right. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Thanks, mate.

I just find it interesting that all the hard work is being done -

oh, where's Amanda?

Amanda? Amanda? She's not here, is she?

Bit of a coincidence, isn't it?

As well as taking on a renovation project,

we're also here to soak up the Sicilian lifestyle.

So this morning I'm selflessly leaving Alan to it and sampling some

of Palermo's delights.

Can I take a mozzarella and tomato baguette?

This is my favourite part. For me, Italy is the food.

There's so much culture, so much history.

Yes, it's exciting to bash walls down and sort the plumbing out

and the electrics, but this is the best bit.

I'm Northampton's champion Swingball player.

This will be a walk in the park.

Gosh, look at those cakes.

Can I have a pistachio one? Yeah, thank you.

That's it. I'm good at this, you see.

I'm a grafter.

I am a grafter.

Just a macchiato. When in Rome...

Thank you so much.

Oh, my god!

When I came to Sicily, I thought I'd be covered in suncream

and everything. But it's just dust.

I know it's not a holiday, but in my head I was expecting it

to be a bit like a holiday, but it's basically like working.

While Scott and his team strip the old plaster off the walls,

this afternoon, Amanda and I are heading 15 miles south to Selinunte,

famous for its Ancient Greek city.

We want to design a traditional Sicilian kitchen,

so we've wangled an invitation to a farmhouse that's recently

been converted into a hotel in search of some inspiration.

Oh, look at this.

This is so rustic and homely.

I just want to try and make everything as Sicilian

as we can possibly make it.

If that was in England, that would all be cupboards

down the bottom and then all cupboards up at the top. Yeah.

Since I've been in Sicily, everything's very pale.

I think we have to make it continue to feel like that.

So no clutter. Everything simple.

And let the food do the colour.

To me, this looks like it's just...

Oh, my God, that's solid, Alan.

It's just like a slab of concrete with some holes in.

Don't you think that's a much cheaper way of doing it,

rather than having a fitted wooden kitchen?

Yeah. Yeah. What are we doing about an island?

I love an island. Do you think? Yes.

I like the idea that we might need the storage.

So, do you want to keep all your stuff hidden away?

I like all my stuff out, because it's a working kitchen, Amanda.

I know, but no. I don't mind if you want to do your pots and pans

on a linen pulley. No. You know what they are.

You can get them and they've got... I've seen them at National Trust houses.

It's Downton Abbey. I'm not Victorian.

Obviously it's a joint project, so I'm going to pick my battles

and I'm not going to start having a row about where you put

the pots and pans.

This, I think this is just... That's a cat flap, come away.

But I think for fundamental things,

I'm not just going to roll over like a dog.

I'm going to bite and cock my leg up.

With storage, sometimes you have a little curtain that pulls across.

Oh, no. Ta-da, it's a pan.

We're not having curtains.

When it comes to decorating a house, I just don't compromise.

I think Alan is really sweet and can easily be manipulated.

I feel like while it's all fresh in our head, we can go back

and have a plan.

Do you want a cream horn for the journey? Go on, then, love.

Thank you. Wonderful.

So excited for you to see.

Honestly, we've got so much space to play with.

Look. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's massive.

Scott! This kitchen we saw

wasn't like a traditional wooden kitchen.

It looked like a big concrete block that was completely tiled.

Yeah, they call it here cucina moritar,

which means a walled-in kitchen.

So, it's basically just walls built out of blocks with the top

put on, a nice piece of marble. Marble! Some render.

You could just put some bricks, put some marble on it, render it

and then stick some shelves.

So, that's kind of exactly what you do.

Then I had a game-changer.

This is going to blow your mind, Scott.

You put stuff underneath the island, it's a bit unsightly.

Pull the curtain across to cover.

So curtains are very traditional Sicilian.

Thank you. Personally, I see them in a lot of grandmas' houses.

Thank you. Oh, have a day off.

Also, I've got some bad news.

The mesh on the wall, that's the problem that we found.

When they've redone the building,

they've consolidated the walls with this grille.

Problem is, all that's left is this rusty metal that's

just falling to pieces.

This is... Oh, my God.

So, you've got to get it all off. I've got to take all this off.

Take everything back to the stone.

And we've got a new galvanised grille so it won't rust like this.

How long is this going to put us back? Four or five days.

What about if it's through the entire... I know.

..blinking building? It's just at the beginning of it as well.

And we don't want this happening.

We don't want to get behind. We want all of that done,

then we can start doing all the pretty stuff. We've got to do it.

If we don't sort this mesh out and then it just collapses...

We won't even have a house. ..we won't even have a house,

it'll just be rubble.

Putting the stress of the build to one side,

we're in need of a Sicilian sundowner in the gorgeous

vine-covered hills of Menfi.

I didn't think Sicily would be this green.

I could get used to this.

Salute. Salute. Love you. Love you more.

That's refreshing, innit? Innit?

Look at that tongue coming out. I know, it's like a lizard, innit?

You do that with your tea as well. No?

And I drink so much tea.

I've never known anyone to drink as much tea

apart from my nan and my mum.

I feel free here. I feel really relaxed.

Is this a good time...?

Because I know that you've had a massively stressful year.

Oh, God, yeah. You've gone through a divorce.

You're on tour. Yeah.

And now we've decided to take on this house.

They're all quite stressful things.

But they say it's the three D's, isn't it?

The most stressful in life - death, divorce and DIY.

And I'm doing two of them this year.

Thank God I don't cark it.

It's early days.

Do you reckon you'll ever stop? No.

Since I hit 50, I'm like, I need to make the next lot of years count.

You've done enough, haven't you? No, it's not enough, Alan.

I think we're lucky that we're in an industry

where you don't have to stop. No.

Judi Dench didn't win an Oscar till she was in her 60s

or something, did she? No.

But then she did Cats.

It's true.

At the apartment...

..work on removing the rust-covered mesh is under way.

But it's dawned on us that taking on a build in a hilltop town comes

with a separate set of challenges.

Me and Amanda, we fell in love with the area.

We love the views. I mean, look at that.

But, of course, what we didn't realise was taking out any rubble,

it's got to go down the hill.

Look, this dump truck is so small, I think it's about a third of a skip.

He's got to take that all the way down the windy one-way streets

down to the bottom. And, of course, you've got to get stuff up.

So, I don't even know how that's going to happen.

While Alan and the builders crack on, Scott's taking me to a local

workshop in Salemi to source some marble for the kitchen worktops.

Wow, there's loads of it.

Mined since the Roman era, the country's stone is one of the most

desired materials in the world.

This is nice. This is a local Sicilian marble.

But I'm here to try and bag a bargain.

This is nice as well, you know.

I want it to feel authentic and Sicilian with a hint

of glamour, but not, you know, bougie.

That's really lovely.

If you look at the sort of cliff edges over there, it's the same

story of the different layers of time.

Can you get us a deal, then, Scott? Yeah.

Claudio, Francesco. Buongiorno.

Buongiorno. Buongiorno.

Straight in there.

Oh, is that...is that a little piece of our big piece?

Semi-polished. Oh, that is really smooth.

Now, quinta costa? Quinta costa. Quinta costa?

Marble is very expensive.

He can maybe give us a discount.

So, the top is about 1,003.

About 1,000. Euros?

It's cheap. Compared to the UK, that's so good.

Yeah. Don't tell him that. OK.

Thank you. Grazie mille.

I think Alan's actually going to really like what I've chosen.

He's going to be surprised that I've gone for something neutral,

safe and rustic.

Three words that don't ever normally associate themselves with me.

Slightly worried about how we're going to get the marble

into the apartment.

I don't think I can expect some men just to carry a massive

piece like that. Or can I?

Back at site, the mesh has been replaced,

the walls are getting a fresh coat of plaster, and our traditional

terrazzo flooring is going down...

..ready for us to start building the structure

of our traditional walled kitchen.

I hate wearing clothes. You are basically a nudist.

I am, actually.

I saw so many willies in Corfu.

Oh, I might go there.

Oh, look. O-M-G, these look amazing.

So, these are the drawings.

With the help of Scott,

we've designed a run of units to go along the back wall

with a central island to act as a breakfast bar.

Right, then. Oh, yeah.

They're quite light. I thought they'd be heavier.

As we've splashed out on the marble worktops,

we're saving money on the carcass, making the base out of breeze blocks

which will be plastered and painted white.

So, a little bit on there. Not loads.

Knock it back into the wall.

I'm going to use this just to make sure that it's nice and level.

I bet you're good at this. Right. 72 there.

I don't mind a bit of cement, a bit of tiling, bit of grouting.

Amanda, are you quite practical around your house?

Yeah. You sort of know what you're doing. I mean business.

This is serious now. Beautiful.

I'm in it to win it.

What do I do again?

Draw the line down to the floor with a tape measure.

Don't mess it up because it's very precise.

I'll tell you a secret about me.

I'm rubbish.

There you go. Are you sure?

That's why I've never tried painting, pottery

or anything like that.

You need a straight line on the floor. Oh!

Look at my hands. Look at them. You know, when people go,

"You celebrities have never done a day's work in your life"?

I can say, "Hello. Yes, I have."

I think there's something wrong with me.

I can't remember anything. What does that mean?

You're getting old.

Oh, what's this? A sample? Peach juice.

Just out my comfort zone. It's horrible.

But you're doing really well. We're not... Yeah. We've got to learn.

I don't want to learn. You've got to learn in sweat,

and it starts right here.

Right, Alan, get the spirit level.

Just keep it there? There.

Push it against it. That's perfect.

That's really good.

Shall I do another one? Yeah. That's good.

Woo! It's quite therapeutic, isn't it, Amanda? Yes. I love it.

Oh, my God. Look at that. That can't get more centre.

Shall we do one more?

That's perfect. Oh! Super good. Our first kitchen.

Sicily's melting pot of cultures has influenced the food

here for centuries.

From Arabic, Greek to Spanish,

they've all made Sicilian cuisine one of a kind.

And when our kitchen's complete, we want to host a party

for our neighbours,

so the landlord of our local bar, Fabrizio, is taking me to meet

a family in Marsala to learn how to cook the island's signature dish.

We have a very old tradition of food made by combination Arab, Spanish.

In England, we have fish and chips.

Yeah, I know about... Toad-in-the-hole.

And then there is a pudding called a spotted dick.

Today's serving has a more inviting name - couscous alla trapanese.

An outdoor kitchen, how lovely.

It's an Arab-influenced fish broth that Gianfranco and his mama Maria

insist is a staple recipe for any Sicilian kitchen.

This has to be small? Yes, because we have to fry.

Many Sicilian dishes start with a good fried... Fried base. Yes.

So, Mama, shall I chop some parsley? Si, si.

We need to fry up the onion, garlic and parsley to create the base

for the tomato broth.

Now start the aromatic soup.

The smell is amazing.

Now Mama add the different fish.

Once our kitchen is done, we could make something

like this for our neighbours.

I hope we don't kill you. I will survive.

What fish is that? The most tasty fish.

It feels like there's lots of floors of fish.

Like lasagne.

It's fish - scampi, calamari...

Once the layers of seafood have cooked in the tomato broth...

That looks good. I'm hungry. Yeah.

..the fish is served with aromatic herb-infused couscous.

Come on.

Gosh, this is such a treat.

Thank you. Grazie mille, Mama.

You welcome. You welcome, my friend. Prego.

Oh, my God. This is so good.

I felt very at home with the family.

I wish my friend Alan was here because he would absolutely love

this, but I'm going to make it for him, Gianfranco.

I will do my best to honour this dish. Thank you.

Alan will be super impressed with my new cooking skills.

It comes from the heart, doesn't it,

cooking, the heart and the hands. And the nails.

In Salemi, the big day has finally arrived.

In our bespoke kitchen,

the blocks for the shelving units and island have been rendered

ready for our marble worktops.

But first, our 500kg of stone needs to get

through the town's narrow streets.

Luckily for us, the locals have turned out in full force to help.

Ah, buongiorno. Buongiorno.

Where did these strong men come from?

I've never seen so many people in Salemi.

The only way to get the marble to the apartment is by hand

down three flights of stairs.

The slightest knock could damage the worktops.

Out the way. Out the way. Oh, God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

THEY SPEAK ITALIAN

I don't think I'm much of a help.

I'm not so sure this is a good idea.

Really? Yeah. Alan, let go!

I helped for a little bit.

Go now. Fly, fly.

You don't need my help no more.

That wore me out.

I only did a few steps, I thought was a bit dangerous,

cos I didn't know what they were saying.

It might have been Italian for "To me, to you."

It feels very serious and quite tense.

I bet they're slagging us off.

I heard your name mentioned a few times.

THEY SPEAK ITALIAN

Praying. Everything's so up and down with these steps.

Well done.

But now for the tricky part...

..fitting the marble onto the base.

Me heart's in me mouth.

THEY SPEAK ITALIAN

Yes. Perfecto.

HE LAUGHS

It just looks absolutely stunning.

I'm crying. What's wrong with you? Sorry.

I didn't think a bit of marble would make me cry.

It's such a team thing.

You know, you think everybody's involved, everybody's come down,

everybody's lifted it, everybody's helping us,

and I just feel overwhelmed, I think.

With the kitchen almost complete, we're off to source

some vino for our first dinner party.

The nearby city of Marsala is famous for its fortified wine,

commonly used in cooking. But we're sacking off the food

for a spot of wine-tasting at one of the city's renowned hotel wineries.

Why do women take so long getting ready?

I'm so glad I'm gay.

I just wanted it to be a special evening.

She better look bloody amazing.

Imagine if she comes down in a shell suit and some Crocs.

Amanda. Darling. Come up here.

How many have you had? Two. I've been waiting for you for ages.

It was a gorgeous sunset. You missed it.

So, you ready to have some wine? Yes.

Let's go. I'll bring this along just as a palate-cleanser.

Look at this.

Good evening.

Buona sera. Buona sera. Mi chiamo Alan. Giacomo.

Mi chiamo Amanda.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

So, the first wine is Zibibbo grapes.

Bebo? Zibibbo. Zibibbo. Brava!

So am I going to do this? And then you go like this?

Yes.

It smells very Sauvignon blanc-y. Yes, it's very similar.

Normally, with the zibibbo grapes, we make the wine for dessert,

But ten years ago, we start producing a dry wine.

And actually, I can taste that it's a dessert wine grape. Yeah.

I'm quite excited about this because that's a merlot.

I love a merlot as well.

Fruity. Yeah. There's a little bit of tannin.

What the hell's a tannin?

I don't know what it is, but your tongue does that towel thing

where it goes schloop. I always drink red.

I love it. Get up in the morning, have a red.

THEY LAUGH

Put the bins out, have a red.

Do you prefer another glass of red? Please.

Dying of thirst here.

In England, we have it to the top. SHE LAUGHS

No, we don't.

So, what's this one?

Oh, this is original Marsala wine.

The first one. Wow. Three different type of grapes.

Grillo, Catarratto, Inzolia grapes.

The founder of the Marsala wine, it's Woodhouse.

Liverpudlian merchant John Woodhouse discovered the Sicilian wine in 1773

and helped it become one of the most famous drinks in the world.

The reason I know about it is because I've made tiramisu

in the past and...

Ai! Oh, yeah, but don't you soak the biscuits in the Marsala wine?

Ai! You're torturing this man. I know. You're torturing him.

Marsala wine, born for drinking, not for cooking.

I'm the same as you. I think it's bad taste. Wahey!

Will you come to our party? If you want. Yes.

No, not to work. To be waited upon hand and foot.

OK.

For...? When you say this party is rubbish, I'll go,

"Ah! Ah! Ah!" Just for a...!

After weeks of designing and building our dream Italian kitchen,

we can finally add the finishing touches.

Oh! Oh, God.

But we don't have long as it's almost time

for our big kitchen party.

No, Alan, that's overkill.

Oh, God, yes. What was I thinking? I feel so stupid.

Look how nice that is. Oh, look. Two glasses of champagne.

No. I can't reach. I think that's good, the way you've been drinking.

None of my ideas seem to be coming through.

Everything I say Amanda pooh-poohs.

Do you want it displayed like this, as a bread shop?

Yes, Alan.

Oh, that's...that is perfect.

Do you know what? It's gorgeous. It does look gorgeous.

This is a big moment because this is, like,

the first room that's finished and it's worked.

When we first walked in here and then there was a wall

and the bed and shoes. Oh, I know.

And for it all to come together...

It's a miracle. It's a bit of a miracle. It does look so good. Yeah.

I feel very proud of you, I'm going to say.

Well, let's not start gushing too much

over each other because we've got so many more rooms to do

and we might not be friends at the end.

Let's not say anything that we're going to regret. OK.

With the kitchen complete...

This is boiling nicely.

..I can christen it with a Sicilian classic couscous alla trapanese.

That's it, just get all the lumps out, Alan. I will.

And our locally sourced selection of wines.

It goes lovely with couscous. Oh, it says that. Oh.

Oh, my God. Hey, how are you?

What do you think? Very, very nice.

Hello. Everyone comes at once.

This is Mama.

I've never met you before.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. For you.

Oh! Did you make that? Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, Alan.

So, Mama, you come and tell me what you think.

Perfecto. Perfect. Oh, God, it's perfecto.

Bellissimo. I love this.

Oh. We did it!

I did it. I did it.

I've been slaving on this all day.

All right, let's get a bowl.

Salute! ALL: Salute!

Next time, we go back to basics at a spa with a difference.

It's gone in me mouth. I've got a stingy bum cheek.

And our DIY talents are tested to the max...

I haven't got the proper tools.

..as we transform the bathrooms.

If you've got a bidet, I'm having a disco ball.

I can't stand it affected camp.

# Dimmi quando quando quando

# E baciandomi dirai

# Non ci lasceremo mai!

# Non ci lasceremo mai... #