Original subtitles

With the stars...

and...

What say there, Alice?

Oh, hi, Ed.

Where's Ralph?

He's not home yet.

Little late tonight, ain't he?

Oh, well, I guess maybe he just stopped off, you know,

with some of the boys for a little celebration.

Celebration for what?

Oh, didn't you see Ralph last night?

Oh, well, you know that suggestion box they got down at the bus depot?

Yeah.

Well, Ralph put a suggestion in there

and the company liked it very much.

They gave him a $10 prize for it.

Hey, boy, I'm telling you,

I always knew that boy had executive ability.

What was his suggestion, anyway?

Well, you know how the traffic

gets sort of congested on Madison Avenue

when, oh, maybe four or five buses pull up to the corner

at the same time? Yeah.

Well, Ralph suggested they bring in

a traffic expert to work the problem out.

So, they hired one this morning.

Boy, oh, boy, I'm telling you, Alice,

you can be pretty proud of that husband of yours.

I'm telling you, he's gonna go far in that bus company.

You know why? 'Cause his heart and soul is in his work, that's why.

All he thinks about is buses.

He eats, drinks and sleeps buses.

He's even built like one.

( laughing )

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Hey, there, Ralphie boy.

Put it there, pal.

Congratulations, there.

Alice just told me the good news

about the suggestion you made down there at the company.

Boy, I'm telling you, attaboy,

They didn't need an expert.

I could've told them what the trouble was.

There's too many buses on Madison Avenue, that's all.

Course, that traffic expert-- you know what he'll probably do?

Take some of the buses off the line,

and just lay off some of the bus drivers.

Course, that'll be pretty rough

on the bus drivers that are laid off,

but, at a time like this, you gotta think of yourself, Ralph.

I mean, think of how much better off

you and the other drivers will be that are working.

What's the good word, buddy boy?

I... was the first to go.

Oh, Ralph.

You mean you were fired?

Oh, no, I wasn't fired.

I was just temporarily laid off.

With nine other drivers.

How 'bout that?

How could they do that to me?

Me, who has worked and drove a bus for that company for 15 years!

15 years, driving a bus.

Aggravation, 101 aggravations every day!

Driving a bus in the summertime,

dying from the heat, in the wintertime,

freezing from the cold. All kinds of weather.

Through the rain, the snow and the sleet.

You know that sign they have in the post office,

"The mail gets through no matter what kind of weather"?

You know why?

'Cause the mailman rides with me, that's why!

Oh, Ralph, I know how you feel, honey.

But we got to be practical about this.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know what we're gonna do.

How long's this thing gonna last?

I don't know how long it's gonna last.

A week, a month, a year, who knows?

And I can't get a job either in the meantime.

Remember the last time I was laid off?

I tried to get a job, they want references.

They want to know where I worked last.

Then they call up where I worked,

they find out I drive the bus,

that I'm on a layoff, and they know that I'm going back

to driving a bus as soon as the layoff's over.

So I can't get a job there.

Excuse me, may I interject here for a moment?

Maybe I can be of some help.

Maybe I could swing a little influence,

and get you a job with me down the sewer.

I don't know anything about working in the sewer.

How about it, Ralphie?

Would you like to join us denizens of the deep?

I told you, Norton,

I don't know anything about working in a sewer.

Well, you'll pick it up, you just learn, like I did.

I mean, after all, what did I know about my job

before I joined the Department of Sanitation?

I didn't even know a sewer from a hole in the ground.

( laughs )

Come on, Ralph, will you stop aggravating yourself like this?

Doesn't do any good. At a time like this, you gotta smile!

You gotta smile!

What do you mean? What have I got to smile about?

That's just the point.

Now more than ever before, you gotta keep your spirits up.

It's easy to smile when things are going good,

but now it's a challenge.

Come on, Ralphie boy, pal o' mine, let's see the old smile!

Let's see those ivories. Give me the old Liberace, in there, Ralphie boy!

That's a boy! Give me that smile there!

That's the way it is.

Beautiful, beautiful, just stay like that.

Now, don't think of today, think of happier times.

Think of yesterday, when your boss brought you in the office there

and he said, "Ralph, I'm gonna use your suggestion

about hiring a traffic expert to solve the problems on Madison Avenue."

You should be proud, Ralphie boy!

That was your own idea.

Nobody else thought of that.

You hatched that right out of your own brain.

Smile, smile...!

Get out!

Get out!

I take back my offer to you of a job in the sewer.

Besides, you wouldn't even fit through the manhole.

Get out!

Somewhere, Alice,

somewhere in this world,

there is a straightjacket waiting for that man.

Ralph, never mind him.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna live on until this layoff is over?

Suppose it does last a month?

Well, we just gotta face it.

Just have to cut down, cut out this high living.

High living?

Yes, high living.

We'll just have to cut out a few luxuries.

All right, how about you giving up bowling?

Now, let's not get panicky.

Let's face this thing intelligently.

There's just one way to do it.

We gotta find out how much money we owe,

and how much money we have.

Then we deduct the money that we owe from the money we have,

and the money we have left is what we're gonna live on.

Now, where are the bills, and I'll start fixing it up.

In the top drawer.

Very simple.

Nothing to get excited about.

Just remain calm.

Well, here, that's $4.95.

Here.

( mumbling )

All right, it comes to $186.32.

Now, that's what we owe.

We have to deduct that from what we have.

Now, this is an emergency, so we got to take into consideration

all the money we have.

Whatever we have in war bonds, whatever we have in the bank,

whatever you have hidden around here.

All the money we got in our Christmas club,

all of it, now all of that lumped into one big ball,

amounts to what?

$12.83.

$12.83!

$12.83?

You sure that's all of it?

That's right, Ralph, that's all,

including three Indian head pennies and a two-cent stamp.

You don't know how to handle money.

Of course I don't! I never had any practice.

You squandered it, Alice.

You squandered it.

Squandered? Yeah, squandered.

I know what you do when you got money, Alice.

I know what you do.

You run right out and buy some clothes.

That's what you do.

I what?! Don't deny it! Don't deny it, Alice.

'Cause I got the proof that you buy clothes.

Here, is this middle drawer yours?

That's right. Is it yours?

All right, is it jammed with stuff?

Everything you bought? Now...

is the bottom drawer mine? That's right.

All right, in there is one pair of pants.

Why is one pair of pants of mine in that drawer?

'Cause one pair of your pants is all that'll fit in there.

Oh, oh, bum!

Listen, Ralph, I did not spend

that money on clothes, and you know it.

Besides, how far do you think $62 a week will go?

Will you shut your big mouth and stop yelling my salary?

I don't want the neighbors to know how much I'm making.

$62 a week. $62 a week!

$62 a week!

Will you stop that?

I don't want my salary to leak out.

Your salary couldn't drip out.

Now, listen, Ralph...

Oh, you're flirting with death.

You can rant and rave and scream and yell

all you want to, but it's not helping matters any.

Now, let's face it, Ralph, we're in trouble.

What are we gonna live on until this layoff is over?

You're so smart, you tell me.

Ha. All right.

I will tell you, but you're not gonna like it.

Now, nobody's gonna give you a job, Ralph.

Just like you said, they'll find out when the layoff is over

you're going back to work for the bus company.

But there is no reason in this whole earth

why I can't get a job.

That is out.

O-U-T, out.

While you are my wife, you will never work.

I have my pride.

I'm gettin' a job, Ralph, no matter what you say.

I'm not gonna argue with you, Alice,

'cause first of all, what could you possibly do to earn any money?

Well, there's plenty that I could do, Ralph.

I took a commercial course in school.

I still remember my shorthand and my typing.

I can get a job as a secretary.

Oh, you can, huh?

And who do you think is gonna do the housework around here?

Guess.

Oh, no!

No, sir.

No, sir, sir, sir, sir!

No, sir! Not me.

Oh, yes, you are, Ralph.

I'm getting a job, and you're gonna do the housework.

( door slams )

Ha, ha, har-dy, har, har!

Har, har, har-dy, har, har!

You hear that, Alice?!

Har, har, har, har, har-dy har!

Hi there, Ralph. I'm glad to see you laughing!

Get out! Smile!

Get out!

Oh, hiya, hon.

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Oh, boy, am I tired.

Oh, what a day I had.

Say, Ralph, would you rub the back of my neck for me?

It feels like it's broken.

Sure, sweetie.

Oh, that feels good.

What're we having for supper, Ralph?

Oh, I made some spaghetti, lima beans,

mashed potatoes and hot dogs.

Oh, no, Ralph, not hot dogs again.

What do you mean, "No, not hot dogs again"?

Nothing, Ralph, except this is only the third time

in a week that we've had 'em.

Are you complaining, Alice?

Is that what you're doing, complaining?

I suppose you'd like to have a nice big, thick steak?

Well, now that you mention it,

I would like a nice big, thick steak.

How do you expect me to get it

on the money you give me to run this house?

Oh, never mind, Ralph. Forget it.

I don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget it.

Sure, it's easy for you to come home,

crack... make criticisms about the food.

Sure, but I've been slaving over a hot stove all day.

All right, Ralph, I'm sorry.

Let's not argue, I'm too tired.

You're tired?

You're tired?

Well, what do you think I am?

You've been sitting behind a nice typewriter all day.

I've been scrubbing the floors, mopping everything,

cleaning up, washing, cooking.

Listen, Ralph, I said I was sorry.

Now would you please hurry up and get supper on the table.

I gotta go in and change my clothes.

I have to go back to work tonight.

Wait a minute. What do you mean you're going to work?

We're supposed to be going to the movies.

I know, Ralph, but I can't help it.

But I've had my heart set on going to the movies all day.

Well, Ralph, what can I do about it?

This is their busy time.

I got to make out their inventory sheets.

What do I care for their inventory sheets?

I want to go to the movies!

Sure, sure, it's all right for you,

you've been out all day.

I've been cooped up here with nothing to look at but these four walls.

Ralph, will you please be reasonable about this?

I have to go back to work.

Now, I haven't got much time,

so please hurry up with supper.

Tony's picking me up and he'll be here any minute.

Tony's picking her up?

Who's Tony?

What'd you say, Ralph?

I said, who's Tony?

Tony? Oh, Tony's my boss, Mr. Amico.

Oh, Tony's your boss, huh?

Mr. Amico.

Well, why don't you call your boss Mr. Amico?

Why do you have to say "Tony"?

Well, I don't know, Ralph. That's just the way it is.

Everybody down at the office calls everybody else by their first name.

It's just Tony and George and Bill and Frank and Pete and Alice.

Tony, Frank and George, Pete and Bill and Alice?

Aren't there any Muriels down there or any Glorias?

Well, no, Ralph, I'm the secretary.

I'm the only girl in the office.

The only girl in the whole office?

Yeah.

Boy.

You must be a riot around that water cooler.

Listen, Ralph, I don't know what you're building in your mind,

but you're just being ridiculous.

Millions of girls work in offices every day with men

and nobody thinks a thing about it.

First of all, those guys are all so busy,

they don't have time to give me a second thought.

So I don't want to hear another word about it.

Would you get me my slippers, please?

I got to get some things.

Oh, Ralph. Ralph?

What do you want now?

I forgot to tell you something, and it's very important.

I told Tony that I lived with my brother.

You see, he doesn't think I'm married,

so when he gets here tonight, you just say you're my brother.

What?!

You said you were not what, and I'm who?

I couldn't very well tell them that I was married.

They don't believe in hiring married women.

It's an office rule.

And also that Frank, and Bill and Pete and George,

they don't know you're married, either?

Of course not.

See, they think if they hired a married woman, you know,

she might leave to raise a family

or a husband just might tell her to quit or something.

Oh, they're so right.

You are quitting!

You are quitting.

And this isn't your brother talking, this is your husband.

Now, just a minute, Ralph.

Don't "just a minute" me; you're quitting.

You are quitting.

And when this Tony comes here tonight,

we'll tell him, and then he can go to the office,

and he can tell Frank and George and Bill...

I am not leaving that job, Ralph.

And I want to tell you something--

I'm getting pretty sick and tired

of these crazy, jealous moods of yours.

I've been through them all a hundred times

and for absolutely no reason.

What is the matter with you, Ralph?

Don't you trust me? You're my husband.

Oh, no, I'm your brother.

Listen, Ralph, I am not quitting that job,

and for a very good reason: we need the money.

Have you forgotten the rent is due this week and we haven't got a cent.

And I'm gonna tell you something else, Ralph,

and boy, I want you to get this straight.

You do anything tonight with any of those crazy, jealous scenes of yours,

and do anything that's gonna cost me this job, Ralph,

and you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Say, Ralphie boy.

Hey, come on, will you snap out of it, Ralph?

I know how you feel.

I know this layoff is tough to take.

I know just how you feel.

You probably just can't wait to get behind the wheel of a bus again.

I know it's just how you feel, 'cause I went through

the same thing two or three years ago

when they laid me off in the sewer.

I felt just like a fish out of water.

It's not the layoff, Norton.

It's that job that Alice has got.

In order to get it,

she had to tell the boss she wasn't married.

And on top of everything,

she told them that I was her brother.

Well, if that's what she had to say to get the job, that's what she had to say.

Don't you understand the implications of a thing like that?

The boss doesn't think she's married.

He's liable to try to make a date with her or something!

Now wait a minute, that won't necessarily follow through.

Take my cousin, for instance. She works.

Her boss knows she's single,

he don't try to make no dates with her.

Course, she looks like an orangutan.

Never mind your cousin, Norton.

Suppose it was Trixie?

Suppose it was Trixie?

I tell you how I'd feel, suppose it was Trixie.

See what this is? I'll tell you what it is.

You know, Alice getting the job gave Trixie an idea.

This here is an application for a job that Trixie filled out in this morning's paper.

I'm just on my way down to mail it now.

You mean to tell me that you don't care whether Trixie works?

Of course not!

Course, I ain't the jealous nature like you.

Ah, by the way,

what does Alice's boss look like?

How do I know? I never saw him.

Oh, boy, Ralph.

You are beautiful.

You're very attractive.

Yes, sir, you're building this whole thing up in your mind.

You haven't even seen Alice's boss,

yet you're building a whole thing up in your mind.

You got any idea what some bosses look like?

Geesh.

You ought to get a load of my boss down in the sewer.

She is the ugliest woman that ever lived.

Maybe you're right, Norton.

Maybe I'm building this whole thing up in my mind.

Course I'm right.

Alice's boss is probably 90 years old,

bald, hasn't got any teeth.

( both laugh )

Probably some stupid moax.

Yeah.

( knock on door )

Hey, that's probably him now.

I'm surprised he's got the strength to knock.

( laughing )

Come in.

I'm Mr. Amico. Is Alice ready yet?

( stammers )

I'll, uh, see you later, Ralph.

I'm going upstairs and destroy Trixie's working papers.

So, uh...

you're Alice's boss, huh?

That's right.

You must be Ralph, Alice's brother.

Boy, Ralph, you've got some sister there.

She's a real doll.

I'll be out in a minute.

( Ralph and Alice yelling )

She's not ready yet.

See, it takes her a little longer to put on her makeup.

She's not as pretty as she looks.

All you brothers think that way about your sisters.

But take it from me, your sister is all right.

How about getting me a date with her?

I think I'd better give you this little piece of information, pal.

My sister happens to be going steady with a prizefighter,

and he really hits.

That's just a little warning.

Thanks.

You know, you and Alice don't look very much alike

for a brother and sister.

There's very little family resemblance.

Is that so?

Well, no offense,

but she's so, um... mmm.

And you're so, um...

( Ralph yelling )

I'm all ready, Tony.

Alice, you certainly are the prettiest secretary in New York.

Ralph, your sister's a doll.

Well, nice to have met you.

Wait a minute, I'm going with you.

Ralph.

( stammering )

I mean that I'm going with ya

because I'm gonna wait until she finishes,

and then I'll bring her home

'cause it's not good for a girl

to come home late at night during these days.

Well, she won't be alone-- I'll be with her.

Uhh...

It's not safe for a girl to come home these nights...

Ralph.

Ah, what I mean is,

why should Tony go to all the trouble to bring you home?

You and I can hop on the subway, we'll be home in an hour and a half.

Oh, it's no trouble.

I've got my convertible.

I hope you won't be too chilly, Alice.

I've got the top down.

I'm going with you, and I'm bringing Norton.

Ralph!

Yes?

That will not be necessary.

I will be perfectly all right.

Well, I got another idea.

Look, why don't you work here tonight?

There's plenty of light and everything.

Well, I don't see why not.

I've got the portable typewriter in the car, and the papers.

I could bring them up.

You go right ahead and do that, Tony, pal.

I'll be right back, Alice.

All right.

All right, Ralph, how could you embarrass me like that?

What's the matter with you? Don't you trust me?

I trust you; I don't trust him.

Now, you'll work right here and everything'll be fine.

Listen, Ralph, I think you've gone crazy.

I think you've gone completely out of your mind.

These jealous moods of yours are crazy, you know?

And just take a little tip from me, Ralph,

I think you should have your head examined.

You think that, Alice?

You think I should have my head examined, huh?

I'll have it examined, Alice, if you want.

Anywhere in the United States, I'll have it examined.

Go to Vienna and have it examined for you.

Vienna! Any doctor, any place, any hospital.

They can bring doctors from the Moon down here,

to examine my head!

And they'll find nothing in there, Alice!

( clears throat )

Don't you think it's a little late now?

Don't you think you ought to, you know, call it off?

We won't be long now, Ralph.

Uh, let me see that last list

of figures I gave you, Alice.

Types pretty nice, doesn't she?

Ralph, will you stop acting so crazy?

You're making me nervous.

I'm making you nervous?

What do you think you're doing to me?

All right, I'm going to bed now.

Go ahead and work.

But if I hear the typewriter stop, I'm coming out.

Your brother certainly is, uh...

Yeah, he certainly is.

Here, take it from letter "L."

All right.

I'm changing the paper, Ralph.

( knock on door )

Come in.

Hi, Alice.

Oh, hiya, Freddie.

Ralph here?

He's in the bedroom.

I just come off my run.

I thought I'd drop by and tell him the good news.

His layoff's over. They're putting him

on a crosstown run starting tomorrow.

Oh, that's wonderful, Freddie. Thanks a lot.

I'll tell him right away.

Tell him I'll see him tomorrow.

Okay. Tony, I'll just be a minute.

Ralph, what are you gonna do?

All right, get up!

Get up!

Put your hands out like that.

Okay, out!

Get out!

Out!

Go ahead, say it, Alice. Say it.

Go ahead, tell me I'm a maniac!

Go ahead, say anything you want.

But I don't care.

I don't care, that's the way I feel.

Oh, Ralph.

I love you.

You love me?

Yeah.

Why?

Don't you know why?

It's not every woman, Ralph, who's lucky enough,

after 15 years of marriage,

to have a husband this jealous.

Baby, you're the greatest.