Original subtitles

With the stars...

and...

Well, come on, Ed.

If you don't mind, Trixie, I'd rather not.

Stop being so silly and come on out here.

Suppose somebody sees me.

Who could possibly see you? Now, come on.

Would you mind hurrying up, please?

I got an allergy to crinoline.

Stop complaining. Get up on that chair.

It'll only take me just one minute to measure this hem

and then you can get right out of it, Ed.

Do you have to smoke that cigar?

Please, it's the only link left with the old me.

Where are the scissors?

Oh, wait, I know where they are. Wait a minute.

Oh, hiya, Trix. Is Norton home?

( high voice: ) He's not in. Go on downstairs.

What are you supposed to be?

Oh, I might've known this would happen.

Just another case of people caught in the web.

Oh, hello, Ralph. Hiya, Trix.

Ed! Ed, what are you doing?!

Taking this thing off. Fix it yourself.

Oh, well, I'll just have to get Alice to help me.

Is she at home, Ralph?

Yes, she's down there.

All right, Ed, but someday

you're going to ask me to do something for you.

I'm asking you right now--

leave the premises.

Oh!

Geesh.

Norton, I'm glad she's gone.

I got something very important I want to talk to you about.

What?

What would you say

if you knew a man that was gonna make a fortune

and wouldn't let his best friend in on the deal?

Well, I would say he was pretty low.

Exactly, and that's why I'm here.

Here we go again.

What kind of a crack is that?

I'll tell you what kind of a crack that was.

You come to me before, you know, with a chance to make a fortune.

I can't stand to make a fortune again.

I'm going broke!

All right, Norton, go ahead, make your snide remarks.

Go ahead and miss your big opportunity.

Miss your big chance.

Just because a couple of my ideas went a little sour before.

A little sour? A little sour?

Ho, that's the biggest understatement made

since General Custer said,

"Over that hill, I think they're friendly Indians."

Look, Norton, I admit that some of my past ideas weren't so hot.

But this one is different. It's sure-fire.

Not only will we get all the money that we lost on the other investments,

but we'll end out ahead of the game.

And here it is, pal.

There it is.

There is the key that is gonna open the door to a fortune.

Looks like an ordinary can opener to me.

Oh, but it isn't an ordinary can opener.

No, sir. This is the household utensil of the future.

This has got everything. It does everything.

Look at all these attachments.

Here, it opens up cans, it takes corks out of bottles,

it cores apples,

it scales fish.

It's got a screwdriver attachment.

It cuts glass, it sharpens scissors,

and there's a little thing here to take corns off your feet.

And look-- there's a guy

that works with me down at the bus depot.

He's a bus driver.

Now, he's got a brother

that owns a warehouse up in the Bronx.

Now, his brother has 2,000 of these up there,

just laying around collecting dust.

It seems that a couple of years ago,

some guy went up there and left these up there, and never claimed 'em.

Now, all I have to do is pay the storage on it,

and he'll sell me the whole 2,000 of these things for $200.

$200!

That means they're ten cents apiece to us.

We can sell 'em for a buck!

You get it? We spend $200, we make $2,000,

and the profit is $1,800. We can't lose.

Can't lose, huh?

That's what you said when we bought that parking lot

next to the space where they're building up the movie house there.

You said people going to the movies got to have a place to park their car.

How did I know they were building a drive-in theater?

Listen to me a minute.

We've both got jobs, haven't we?

We ain't got no time to waste knocking on people's doors

trying to sell this here thing to them.

You are absolutely right.

And that's where my big idea comes in.

I know how to sell 2,000 of these in five minutes.

How? What're you gonna do? How?

Well, suppose somebody's got something today,

and they want to sell it. How do they do it?

Well, the first thing they usually do

is look you up and sell it to you.

No, they don't!

They go on television.

Television.

I called up a television station today

and found out that for $100, they'll let us go on and have a spot.

During one of those movie shows, you know.

During the intermission.

Well, there must be a million people that watch those movies.

And there isn't a housewife in America

that wouldn't pay a buck for this thing.

I got to admit one thing, Ralph:

boy, television is great for selling things.

Ah, you can say that again.

Well, my brother's a good example for that.

He was home all the time,

looking at those commercials on television.

He finally sold his set.

That is not what I mean.

If we go on television and do a commercial,

we can sell the whole 2,000 of them right away.

And the beauty part of it is,

we don't have to hire an announcer.

We can do our own commercial.

We know the product.

All we just have to do is demonstrate.

Hey, wait a minute.

You mean to say that if I'm crazy enough

to go with you on this scheme,

that I'll be on the television?

Certainly, you'll do the commercial with me.

Well, what do you say, Norton?

Hello, out there in television land.

What kind of day has it been today?

Has it been a day you needed

a combination corkscrew and, uh, wart remover?

Ha, Norton, my partner!

Now, look, all we have to do

is you get your half the money from Trixie,

and I'll get my half of the money from Alice and we're in business.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. You mean to say

you haven't got your half the money from Alice yet?

No, but that doesn't bother me.

It doesn't bother you?

I think this whole thing is gonna be delayed a little.

I think my television debut will be on Life Begins at 80.

Don't be a wise guy, Norton.

You just get your money from Trixie.

I'll get mine from Alice.

I can handle her.

All I have to do is just be a little firm with her,

and show her who's boss.

There's one thing I don't want you to forget, Norton.

I am the king in my castle.

The king, Norton!

I rule my kingdom.

Alice is just a mere peasant girl.

Just a servant to do my bidding.

I snap my fingers and she jumps.

I'm the king!

The king of my castle.

I'm just like Richard the Lionhearted.

I rule with an iron hand.

Oh, that's telling her, Ralph.

It's all right.

Trixie sent me up to see if she had some more thread around here.

Oh, hiya, sweetheart. Hi, Ralph.

Hey, that's a mighty friendly way to talk to a peasant.

What's this peasant stuff?

I'll tell you what it is, Alice.

He's got something to tell you and you better listen,

'cause he is king of the castle and you are but a servant.

Go ahead, snap your fingers, Ralph.

I'm dying to see her jump.

Don't forget, you are dealing with Richard the Lionhearted,

who rules with an iron hand.

Why don't you shut up.

Go ahead, Ralph. Tell me.

There is something you wanted to tell me, isn't there,

O mighty king of the castle?

Go ahead, rule with an iron hand.

Come on, Ralph, tell me.

The peasants have a right to know.

You think I won't tell you?

You think I won't tell you?

Is that what you think? That I won't tell you?!

That's right, O Richard the chicken-hearted.

Just for that,

I won't tell you!

Richard the chicken-hearted!

( chuckles )

Alice, are you gonna give me that money or are you not?!

No, I am not, Ralph.

Now, when are you gonna come to your senses and stop this nonsense?

You've not only kept me awake, but you're going to wake up the entire building.

I don't care if I wake up the whole world!

I want that money and I'm gonna get it, Alice.

Don't you understand?

Norton and I, we chip in $300,

we make $2,000!

$2,000, Alice.

That's big, big, big!

This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into.

The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.

You're being a wisenheimer, Alice.

A wisenheimer.

Look, $2,000 is only the beginning.

It's only the beginning.

After I get the $2,000 for selling these 2,000,

then I have more manufactured, I go on television again,

and I make a fortune!

Alice, this thing is the key to my future--

the key to my future!

Don't tell me they got an attachment on here

for opening the door at Bellevue?

Oh, you're asking for it, Alice.

You're asking for it, Alice.

And you're gonna get it.

You're gonna get it.

I don't know what second, what minute, what hour,

but before the night is over,

you're gonna get yours!

Now, look, Alice, please, it's simple arithmetic.

We buy something for ten cents,

we sell if for a dollar! It's that simple!

If it's so simple, Ralph, why didn't the man

who has these things in his warehouse

sell them and make this big profit?

Because he thinks small like you do.

He thinks he's got to go from door to door to sell these things.

That's where my great idea comes in.

I go on television and in five minutes,

I can sell the whole 2,000 of them.

Look, how long do you think it would take that guy

to sell 2,000 of these if he went from door to door?

About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on.

Oh, I'd like to belt you just once.

Oh, I give up.

You just don't want to be rich, that's all.

That must be the reason--

that you don't want to be rich.

Listen, Ralph, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this.

Every week you come home with some new, crazy, harebrained scheme.

That's all I've heard for the past 14 years.

One crazy, harebrained scheme after another.

That is all I have heard since the day that we got married.

You heard one of my harebrained schemes

before we got married.

I proposed to you!

Don't you ever say that again, Ralph.

All right, I'm sorry.

I know I shouldn't have said that,

but I'm all excited, Alice.

$2,000.

I don't want the money, it's not for me.

It's to get you things.

Get the television set you want, the washing machine you want,

you can get the vacuum cleaner you want.

Ralph, you don't have to get me any of those things.

We got 'em already.

What are you talking about, we got 'em?

Sure, there's our television set over there.

Don't you remember, Ralph?

That's the one you bought out of the profits

of that sure-fire investment of yours. Remember?

The new invention that was gonna do away with electric lights?

Wallpaper that glows in the dark?

There's our vacuum cleaner right over there, Ralph.

Isn't it a beauty?

You know how we got that?

I bought it as soon as the money started just rolling in

from that other investment of yours that couldn't miss.

The uranium field in Asbury Park.

And we don't need a new washing machine, Ralph.

That one over there is just fine.

Do you remember the scheme that got us that one?

No-Cal pizza?

Would you like me to point out the rest of the things, Ralph?

No, you don't have to. You don't have to,

just 'cause I made a couple of mistakes.

Nobody's 100%, Alice.

You are.

You've been wrong every time.

All right, Alice,

all right.

I'm asking you for the last time.

Are you gonna give me the money?

No.

This is the last time, Alice.

No!

The last time!

No!

All right, Alice,

all right.

Don't give me the money.

And if you don't give me the money,

I am walking out that door.

And once I walk out that door, it's for good.

I will never come back in here again.

I will never set foot in this building,

once I walk out that door.

You're gonna be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice!

Just remember,

you can't put your arm around a memory.

I can't even put my arms around you.

All right, Alice.

All right, Alice.

I don't want the money from you.

I'll get it somewhere else.

I'm glad you didn't lend me the money.

I don't want anything from you.

I have found out something tonight

that I've suspected for a long time.

You don't love me.

You've never loved me!

Never loved me!

I know why you married me, Alice.

I know why you married me.

You know why you married me?

Because you were in love with my uniform.

Now, look, we still got a little time before we go on,

so let's rehearse this thing again until we get it right.

Look, look, look, look, I don't want to rehearse anymore!

We've rehearsed 14 times already.

If we do it anymore, I'll lose my "spontanity."

I don't care how many times we rehearse, Norton.

We're gonna get this thing right!

I know your type, you're the nervous type.

We'll get on television, you'll forget all your lines.

You gotta be as calm as me.

I'm not nervous, I'm very calm.

What is there to being on television?

We know all the lines and everything.

All we do is wait, and some guy with a finger points at us,

and then we're on television, we're on the air.

Then we go right through the play like we did here.

And at the same time we're doing this thing right here,

there's millions of people out there

looking at their televisions

and listening to every single word we say.

Wish you would stop talking like that, nervous.

You're gonna get yourself all Norton.

Now, let's rehearse it again, if you don't mind.

You wanna do it once more?

Yes, I'd like to do it once more. All right, let's go now.

All right, go ahead.

I'm ready, ready.

Oh, hello there!

I didn't expect no company.

You mind if we visit for a while? Hmm?

As you can see, I'm about to prepare dinner.

As you can plainly see

that all these old-fashioned gadgets here

are a thing of the past.

That's why I'm known as the Chef of the Past.

Believe me, it is a hard job to prepare a meal,

using all these old-fashioned gadgets.

Take this cheese grater here,

and this corkscrew here.

Boy, I wish somebody would invent a household utensil

that would do the work of all of these.

Pray tell, who are you?

Oooooh!

I am the Chef of the Future.

I heard your wish, and I have come here to answer it.

You mean to say that you have invented a household utensil

to do the work of all of these?

Ha-ha!

I will show you, nonbeliever.

Not only will this helpful housewife happy handy

do all the work of these old instruments,

but it will also do them 100% better.

I will demonstrate to you,

and to you, dear friends in television land,

exactly how it works.

Now, we will demonstrate by first you, the Chef of the Past,

doing a chore with an old implement,

and then I will do the same chore

with this new implement.

And we will see then, there.

Very good, O Chef of the Future.

First, we will sharpen a knife

using the old-fashioned sharpening stone here.

Ha-ha! Aren't they ancient?

Well, let us see what kind of a job it does.

Now, to test the cutting edge of the knife.

Ha-ha!

There, it is finally done.

Ha-ha!

Watch this.

There you are, much faster.

Amazing, the hair never had a chance.

This is an improvement and proof you cannot dispute.

This is all going on live, not on film.

Another proof of a happier life through television.

Now, O Chef of the Future,

I will admit it's true that it can sharpen a knife better.

But, can it core a apple?

Certainly, it can core a apple.

He will core a apple with an old implement, ha-ha,

and I will core a apple with the new implement.

Don't core it this time, Norton.

We'll need that for the program.

Just go through the motions.

( grunting )

What a rough job this is!

There, it is finally done.

Ha-ha! Watch this.

Zip, zip, zip, finished.

( corer clatters on floor ) Amazing.

Maybe...

Maybe we ought to say something about spear fishing.

No.

No, that'll be on it...

Get rid of the skate key.

You don't need that on there anyway.

All right? All right.

Now, for a can opening project.

Oh, yes, we will now open a can.

MAN: Oh, Mr. Kramden.

You won't be able to rehearse anymore.

We're having a break in our movie.

Should come up any minute now.

But we got to rehearse again. You'd better get ready.

We got to rehearse again. We're not finished yet.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kramden,

you're scheduled for the third commercial.

We're having a break right away.

Right away?

That's right. Now, if you gentlemen will take your positions.

Positions, now?

At the beginning of the commercials.

Yes, sir.

Ralph, you're going the wrong way.

You come in there. That door, there.

That's better.

All right.

( clears throat )

Testing, testing, how now brown cow.

One, two, three, four.

Testing, test...

Hey, boy.

You know, Ralph, I'm getting a little nervous out here.

I don't know how you can keep so calm back there.

Okay, Norton, get ready.

20 seconds.

15 seconds.

Ten seconds.

Five seconds.

Go!

Oh, hello there!

I didn't know I had company!

Do you mind if I visit with you for a while? Hmm?

As you can see,

I'm about to prepare a dinner.

As you could also see, I'm a chef.

Now, this table is loaded with old-fashioned household gadgets.

That's why I'm the Chef of the Past.

Boy, oh, boy, what a hard job trying to put a meal together

with these old household gadgets.

Like this cheese grater here, and this corkscrew over here.

Whew! I wish that somebody would invent a household utensil

that would do the work of all of these.

I say, I wish that somebody would invent a household utensil

that would do the work of all of these!

Am I coming through out there?!

Pray tell, who are you?

Pray tell, who was that?!

Pray tell, who are you?

( no sound )

Chef of the Future.

Oh, hello, I'm glad to have you aboard, Chef of the Future.

I'm the Chef of the Future.

Hello, I'm glad to have you aboard again, Chef of the Future.

What have you come to show me?

Have you invented a household utensil

that does the work of all these old household gadgets?

( stammering gibberish )

This is not on film,

this is coming to you very live before your eyes.

What have you brought me?

I have brought you this handy housewife helper.

Where, O Chef of...

Here!

What does it do?

It does all of it.

Come with me to the table.

Can it sharpen a knife?

Oh, it can sharpen a knife.

So much for the knife sharpening.

Tell me... tell me, O Chef of the Future,

Can it core a apple?

Oh, it can core a apple.

Good. I will core a apple the old-fashioned way,

and see how slow it takes me.

And then you will core it the modern way,

and zip, zip, we'll see how fast it is.

Ha-ha. There, I am through.

I will now do it the modern way.

Zip, zip!

It's zip...

It's zipping, the modern way.

Amazing!

Modern way.

Zip, zip, and it's done.

Another proof of a happier life through television.

Ha-ha.

Oh, tell me, Chef of the Future,

what else can your marvelous instrument do?

( stammers )

It can open a can.

It can open a can?

Ha-ha.

We all know that the old-fashioned way of opening a can,

we have to go round and round the edge,

and it takes quite a long time.

Let us see how the Chef of the Future

will open a can with the Handy Housewife Helper.

Can, ha-ha.

Amazing! Zip!

( stammers )

Zip, zip, zip.

Want this? No.

Zip, zip, zip.

The phone number's Bensonhurst 5-6698.

Hurry up, get yours, while they're here.

Ha-ha!

Amazing. Zip, zip.

Another proof of a happier life through television.

If my wife Trixie's looking in,

and when I get home, she says, "I told you so,"

I'm gonna belt her right in the mouth!

( grunts )

( yelling )

( continues yelling )

Ha-ha! Ahhh!

( continues yelling )

If you were an...

And now back to Charlie Chan!