All language subtitles for 07.BettrLivingThroughTV

With the stars...

and...

Well, come on, Ed.

If you don't mind, Trixie,
I'd rather not.

Stop being so silly
and come on out here.

Suppose somebody
sees me.

Who could possibly see you?
Now, come on.

Would you mind hurrying up,
please?

I got an allergy to crinoline.

Stop complaining.
Get up on that chair.

It'll only take me
just one minute
to measure this hem

and then you can get
right out of it, Ed.

Do you have to
smoke that cigar?

Please, it's the only
link left with the old me.

Where are the scissors?

Oh, wait, I know where they are.
Wait a minute.

Oh, hiya, Trix.
Is Norton home?

( high voice: )
He's not in.
Go on downstairs.

What are you
supposed to be?

Oh, I might've known
this would happen.

Just another case of people
caught in the web.

Oh, hello, Ralph.
Hiya, Trix.

Ed! Ed, what are
you doing?!

Taking this thing off.
Fix it yourself.

Oh, well, I'll just have
to get Alice to help me.

Is she at home, Ralph?

Yes, she's down there.

All right, Ed,
but someday

you're going to ask me
to do something for you.

I'm asking you
right now--

leave the premises.

Oh!

Geesh.

Norton,
I'm glad she's gone.

I got something very important
I want to talk to you about.

What?

What would you say

if you knew a man that
was gonna make a fortune

and wouldn't let his best
friend in on the deal?

Well, I would say
he was pretty low.

Exactly, and that's
why I'm here.

Here we go again.

What kind of a crack
is that?

I'll tell you what kind
of a crack that was.

You come to me before, you know,
with a chance to make a fortune.

I can't stand to make
a fortune again.

I'm going broke!

All right, Norton, go ahead,
make your snide remarks.

Go ahead and miss
your big opportunity.

Miss your big chance.

Just because a couple
of my ideas went
a little sour before.

A little sour?
A little sour?

Ho, that's the biggest
understatement made

since General Custer said,

"Over that hill, I think
they're friendly Indians."

Look, Norton, I admit that some
of my past ideas weren't so hot.

But this one is different.
It's sure-fire.

Not only will we get
all the money that we lost
on the other investments,

but we'll end out
ahead of the game.

And here it is, pal.

There it is.

There is the key that
is gonna open the door
to a fortune.

Looks like an ordinary
can opener to me.

Oh, but it isn't
an ordinary can opener.

No, sir. This is the household
utensil of the future.

This has got everything.
It does everything.

Look at
all these attachments.

Here, it opens up cans,
it takes corks out of bottles,

it cores apples,

it scales fish.

It's got a screwdriver
attachment.

It cuts glass,
it sharpens scissors,

and there's a little
thing here to take
corns off your feet.

And look--
there's a guy

that works with me down
at the bus depot.

He's a bus driver.

Now, he's got a brother

that owns a warehouse
up in the Bronx.

Now, his brother has 2,000
of these up there,

just laying around
collecting dust.

It seems that
a couple of years ago,

some guy went up there
and left these up there,
and never claimed 'em.

Now, all I have to do is
pay the storage on it,

and he'll sell me the whole
2,000 of these things for $200.

$200!

That means they're
ten cents apiece to us.

We can sell 'em for a buck!

You get it? We spend $200,
we make $2,000,

and the profit is
$1,800. We can't lose.

Can't lose, huh?

That's what you said when
we bought that parking lot

next to the space where
they're building up the
movie house there.

You said people going
to the movies got to have
a place to park their car.

How did I know they were
building a drive-in theater?

Listen to me a minute.

We've both got jobs,
haven't we?

We ain't got no time
to waste knocking
on people's doors

trying to sell this
here thing to them.

You are absolutely right.

And that's where
my big idea comes in.

I know how to sell
2,000 of these in five minutes.

How? What're you
gonna do? How?

Well, suppose somebody's
got something today,

and they want to sell it.
How do they do it?

Well, the first thing
they usually do

is look you up
and sell it to you.

No, they don't!

They go on television.

Television.

I called up a television
station today

and found out that for $100,
they'll let us go on
and have a spot.

During one of those
movie shows, you know.

During the intermission.

Well, there must be a million
people that watch those movies.

And there isn't
a housewife in America

that wouldn't pay
a buck for this thing.

I got to admit
one thing, Ralph:

boy, television is great
for selling things.

Ah, you can
say that again.

Well, my brother's a
good example for that.

He was home all the time,

looking at those
commercials on
television.

He finally sold his set.

That is not
what I mean.

If we go on television
and do a commercial,

we can sell the whole
2,000 of them right away.

And the beauty part
of it is,

we don't have to
hire an announcer.

We can do our own
commercial.

We know the product.

All we just have to do
is demonstrate.

Hey, wait a minute.

You mean to say that
if I'm crazy enough

to go with you
on this scheme,

that I'll be on
the television?

Certainly, you'll do
the commercial with me.

Well, what do you say,
Norton?

Hello, out there
in television land.

What kind of day
has it been today?

Has it been a day
you needed

a combination corkscrew
and, uh, wart remover?

Ha, Norton,
my partner!

Now, look,
all we have to do

is you get your half
the money from Trixie,

and I'll get my half
of the money from Alice
and we're in business.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
You mean to say

you haven't got your half
the money from Alice yet?

No, but that
doesn't bother me.

It doesn't bother you?

I think this whole thing is
gonna be delayed a little.

I think my television debut
will be on Life Begins at 80.

Don't be a wise guy,
Norton.

You just get your
money from Trixie.

I'll get mine from Alice.

I can handle her.

All I have to do is just
be a little firm with her,

and show her who's boss.

There's one thing I don't
want you to forget, Norton.

I am the king
in my castle.

The king, Norton!

I rule my kingdom.

Alice is just a mere
peasant girl.

Just a servant
to do my bidding.

I snap my fingers
and she jumps.

I'm the king!

The king of my castle.

I'm just like
Richard the Lionhearted.

I rule with
an iron hand.

Oh, that's telling
her, Ralph.

It's all right.

Trixie sent me up to see
if she had some more thread
around here.

Oh, hiya, sweetheart.
Hi, Ralph.

Hey, that's a mighty
friendly way to talk
to a peasant.

What's this
peasant stuff?

I'll tell you what
it is, Alice.

He's got something
to tell you and
you better listen,

'cause he is king
of the castle and
you are but a servant.

Go ahead, snap
your fingers, Ralph.

I'm dying to
see her jump.

Don't forget, you are
dealing with Richard
the Lionhearted,

who rules with
an iron hand.

Why don't you shut up.

Go ahead, Ralph.
Tell me.

There is something
you wanted to tell me,
isn't there,

O mighty king
of the castle?

Go ahead, rule
with an iron hand.

Come on, Ralph, tell me.

The peasants have
a right to know.

You think
I won't tell you?

You think I won't tell you?

Is that what you think?
That I won't tell you?!

That's right,
O Richard the chicken-hearted.

Just for that,

I won't tell you!

Richard the
chicken-hearted!

( chuckles )

Alice, are you gonna give me
that money or are you not?!

No, I am not, Ralph.

Now, when are you gonna
come to your senses
and stop this nonsense?

You've not only kept me awake,
but you're going to wake up
the entire building.

I don't care if I wake
up the whole world!

I want that money and
I'm gonna get it, Alice.

Don't you understand?

Norton and I,
we chip in $300,

we make $2,000!

$2,000, Alice.

That's big, big, big!

This is probably the biggest
thing I ever got into.

The biggest thing you ever
got into was your pants.

You're being
a wisenheimer, Alice.

A wisenheimer.

Look, $2,000
is only the beginning.

It's only the beginning.

After I get the $2,000
for selling these 2,000,

then I have more manufactured,
I go on television again,

and I make a fortune!

Alice, this thing is the key
to my future--

the key to my future!

Don't tell me they got
an attachment on here

for opening the door
at Bellevue?

Oh, you're
asking for it, Alice.

You're asking for it,
Alice.

And you're gonna get it.

You're gonna get it.

I don't know what second,
what minute, what hour,

but before the night
is over,

you're gonna get yours!

Now, look, Alice, please,
it's simple arithmetic.

We buy something
for ten cents,

we sell if for a dollar!
It's that simple!

If it's so simple, Ralph,
why didn't the man

who has these things
in his warehouse

sell them and make
this big profit?

Because he thinks small
like you do.

He thinks he's got to
go from door to door
to sell these things.

That's where my
great idea comes in.

I go on television
and in five minutes,

I can sell the whole
2,000 of them.

Look, how long do
you think it would
take that guy

to sell 2,000 of these
if he went from
door to door?

About one minute
if this was the first
door he knocked on.

Oh, I'd like to
belt you just once.

Oh, I give up.

You just don't want to
be rich, that's all.

That must be the reason--

that you don't
want to be rich.

Listen, Ralph, I'm getting
pretty sick and tired of this.

Every week you come home
with some new, crazy,
harebrained scheme.

That's all I've heard
for the past 14 years.

One crazy, harebrained
scheme after another.

That is all I have heard since
the day that we got married.

You heard one of my
harebrained schemes

before we got married.

I proposed to you!

Don't you ever
say that again, Ralph.

All right, I'm sorry.

I know I shouldn't
have said that,

but I'm all
excited, Alice.

$2,000.

I don't want the money,
it's not for me.

It's to get you things.

Get the television set you want,
the washing machine you want,

you can get the vacuum
cleaner you want.

Ralph, you don't have
to get me any of those things.

We got 'em already.

What are you talking
about, we got 'em?

Sure, there's our
television set over there.

Don't you remember, Ralph?

That's the one you bought
out of the profits

of that sure-fire
investment of yours.
Remember?

The new invention
that was gonna do away
with electric lights?

Wallpaper that glows
in the dark?

There's our vacuum cleaner
right over there, Ralph.

Isn't it a beauty?

You know how we got that?

I bought it as soon as the money
started just rolling in

from that other investment
of yours that couldn't miss.

The uranium field
in Asbury Park.

And we don't need
a new washing machine, Ralph.

That one over there
is just fine.

Do you remember the scheme
that got us that one?

No-Cal pizza?

Would you like me
to point out the rest
of the things, Ralph?

No, you don't have to.
You don't have to,

just 'cause I made
a couple of mistakes.

Nobody's 100%, Alice.

You are.

You've been wrong
every time.

All right, Alice,

all right.

I'm asking you
for the last time.

Are you gonna
give me the money?

No.

This is the last
time, Alice.

No!

The last time!

No!

All right, Alice,

all right.

Don't give me the money.

And if you don't
give me the money,

I am walking
out that door.

And once I walk
out that door,
it's for good.

I will never come
back in here again.

I will never set foot
in this building,

once I walk out
that door.

You're gonna be awful
lonesome around here
all by yourself, Alice!

Just remember,

you can't put your arm
around a memory.

I can't even put
my arms around you.

All right, Alice.

All right, Alice.

I don't want
the money from you.

I'll get it
somewhere else.

I'm glad you didn't
lend me the money.

I don't want
anything from you.

I have found out
something tonight

that I've suspected
for a long time.

You don't love me.

You've never loved me!

Never loved me!

I know why
you married me, Alice.

I know why you married me.

You know why
you married me?

Because you were in love
with my uniform.

Now, look, we still
got a little time
before we go on,

so let's rehearse this thing
again until we get it right.

Look, look, look, look, I don't
want to rehearse anymore!

We've rehearsed
14 times already.

If we do it anymore,
I'll lose my "spontanity."

I don't care how many
times we rehearse, Norton.

We're gonna get
this thing right!

I know your type,
you're the nervous type.

We'll get on television,
you'll forget all your lines.

You gotta be
as calm as me.

I'm not nervous,
I'm very calm.

What is there
to being on television?

We know all the lines
and everything.

All we do is wait,
and some guy with
a finger points at us,

and then we're on television,
we're on the air.

Then we go right through
the play like we did here.

And at the same time we're doing
this thing right here,

there's millions
of people out there

looking at their televisions

and listening to
every single word we say.

Wish you would stop talking
like that, nervous.

You're gonna get
yourself all Norton.

Now, let's rehearse it
again, if you don't mind.

You wanna do it
once more?

Yes, I'd like to
do it once more.
All right, let's go now.

All right, go ahead.

I'm ready, ready.

Oh, hello there!

I didn't expect no company.

You mind if we visit
for a while? Hmm?

As you can see, I'm
about to prepare dinner.

As you can plainly see

that all these
old-fashioned
gadgets here

are a thing of the past.

That's why I'm known as
the Chef of the Past.

Believe me,
it is a hard job
to prepare a meal,

using all these
old-fashioned gadgets.

Take this
cheese grater here,

and this corkscrew
here.

Boy, I wish somebody would
invent a household utensil

that would do the work
of all of these.

Pray tell, who are you?

Oooooh!

I am the Chef
of the Future.

I heard your wish, and I have
come here to answer it.

You mean to say that
you have invented a
household utensil

to do the work
of all of these?

Ha-ha!

I will show you,
nonbeliever.

Not only will this helpful
housewife happy handy

do all the work of
these old instruments,

but it will also do them
100% better.

I will demonstrate to you,

and to you, dear friends
in television land,

exactly how it works.

Now, we will demonstrate by
first you, the Chef of the Past,

doing a chore with
an old implement,

and then I will do
the same chore

with this new implement.

And we will see then,
there.

Very good, O Chef
of the Future.

First, we will
sharpen a knife

using the old-fashioned
sharpening stone here.

Ha-ha!
Aren't they ancient?

Well, let us see what
kind of a job it does.

Now, to test
the cutting edge
of the knife.

Ha-ha!

There, it is finally done.

Ha-ha!

Watch this.

There you are,
much faster.

Amazing, the hair
never had a chance.

This is an improvement
and proof you cannot dispute.

This is all going on
live, not on film.

Another proof of
a happier life
through television.

Now, O Chef of the Future,

I will admit it's true that
it can sharpen a knife better.

But, can it core a apple?

Certainly,
it can core a apple.

He will core a apple
with an old implement, ha-ha,

and I will core a apple
with the new implement.

Don't core it
this time, Norton.

We'll need that
for the program.

Just go through
the motions.

( grunting )

What a rough job this is!

There, it is finally done.

Ha-ha! Watch this.

Zip, zip, zip, finished.

( corer clatters on floor )
Amazing.

Maybe...

Maybe we ought to say
something about spear fishing.

No.

No, that'll be on it...

Get rid of the skate key.

You don't need that
on there anyway.

All right?
All right.

Now, for a can
opening project.

Oh, yes,
we will now open a can.

MAN:
Oh, Mr. Kramden.

You won't be able
to rehearse anymore.

We're having a break
in our movie.

Should come up
any minute now.

But we got
to rehearse again.
You'd better get ready.

We got to rehearse again.
We're not finished yet.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kramden,

you're scheduled for
the third commercial.

We're having a break
right away.

Right away?

That's right. Now,
if you gentlemen will
take your positions.

Positions, now?

At the beginning
of the commercials.

Yes, sir.

Ralph, you're going
the wrong way.

You come in there.
That door, there.

That's better.

All right.

( clears throat )

Testing, testing,
how now brown cow.

One, two, three, four.

Testing, test...

Hey, boy.

You know, Ralph, I'm getting
a little nervous out here.

I don't know how you can
keep so calm back there.

Okay, Norton,
get ready.

20 seconds.

15 seconds.

Ten seconds.

Five seconds.

Go!

Oh, hello there!

I didn't know I had company!

Do you mind if I visit
with you for a while? Hmm?

As you can see,

I'm about to
prepare a dinner.

As you could also
see, I'm a chef.

Now, this table is loaded
with old-fashioned
household gadgets.

That's why I'm the
Chef of the Past.

Boy, oh, boy, what a hard job
trying to put a meal together

with these old
household gadgets.

Like this cheese grater here,
and this corkscrew over here.

Whew! I wish that
somebody would invent
a household utensil

that would do the work
of all of these.

I say, I wish that
somebody would invent
a household utensil

that would do the work
of all of these!

Am I coming through
out there?!

Pray tell,
who are you?

Pray tell,
who was that?!

Pray tell,
who are you?

( no sound )

Chef of the Future.

Oh, hello, I'm glad
to have you aboard,
Chef of the Future.

I'm the Chef
of the Future.

Hello, I'm glad to
have you aboard again,
Chef of the Future.

What have you come
to show me?

Have you invented
a household utensil

that does the work of all
these old household gadgets?

( stammering gibberish )

This is not on film,

this is coming to you
very live before your eyes.

What have you brought me?

I have brought you
this handy housewife helper.

Where, O Chef of...

Here!

What does it do?

It does all of it.

Come with me
to the table.

Can it sharpen
a knife?

Oh, it can sharpen
a knife.

So much for the
knife sharpening.

Tell me... tell me,
O Chef of the Future,

Can it core a apple?

Oh, it can core a apple.

Good. I will core a apple
the old-fashioned way,

and see how slow
it takes me.

And then you will core
it the modern way,

and zip, zip, we'll
see how fast it is.

Ha-ha.
There, I am through.

I will now do it
the modern way.

Zip, zip!

It's zip...

It's zipping,
the modern way.

Amazing!

Modern way.

Zip, zip, and it's done.

Another proof of
a happier life
through television.

Ha-ha.

Oh, tell me,
Chef of the Future,

what else can
your marvelous
instrument do?

( stammers )

It can open a can.

It can open a can?

Ha-ha.

We all know that
the old-fashioned
way of opening a can,

we have to go round
and round the edge,

and it takes quite
a long time.

Let us see how the
Chef of the Future

will open a can with the
Handy Housewife Helper.

Can, ha-ha.

Amazing! Zip!

( stammers )

Zip, zip, zip.

Want this?
No.

Zip, zip, zip.

The phone number's
Bensonhurst 5-6698.

Hurry up, get yours,
while they're here.

Ha-ha!

Amazing. Zip, zip.

Another proof of
a happier life
through television.

If my wife Trixie's
looking in,

and when I get home,
she says, "I told you so,"

I'm gonna belt her
right in the mouth!

( grunts )

( yelling )

( continues yelling )

Ha-ha! Ahhh!

( continues yelling )

If you were an...

And now back
to Charlie Chan!