Original subtitles

[Static]

♪

-Welcome back to "Joe Bob's Christmas Carnage,"

our annual Yule special.

And I'm here with Darcy the Mail Girl...

-Yay. -...who is grooving on the fact

that it's Friday the 13th. -Yeah.

-So we get to celebrate the nation's

favorite holiday on Jason's favorite day.

And so we found some indie filmmakers

who decided to turn "It's a Wonderful Life"

into a slasher called "It's a Wonderful Knife."

-Brilliant. -And since they were so

shameless about basing a horror movie on a pun, we thought,

hey, they might be just as goofy as we are.

And so we decided to travel down that road with them

and see if they can pay it off.

And what do you think, Darcy?

Did they pay it off?

-It is cute. -Is that good or bad?

-It's cute.

I -- I love holiday-themed horror. You know that.

-Okay, well, we'll get to the movie in just a minute.

But first, it's time for the Joe Bob Briggs

annual Christmas message.

And I promise, Darcy, it will be short this year.

-Okay. Under three hours.

-Yes. Under -- Under two hours.

-Wow, that's crazy. -As you know,

I picked some aspect of the nativity story every year

and I ran about it.

And this year, what I want to focus on is not Mary,

not Joseph, not the baby Jesus,

not the shepherds, not the wise men, not the donkey.

Although I have to say, I get a lot of fan mail though

when I do talk about the donkey.

-Okay. -Um, no.

This year I want to talk about the people

who just showed up randomly at that stable in Bethlehem,

who weren't wise men or soothsayers or angels or family,

because we know there were some random people

who showed up to support the out of town couple

who had a new baby.

And by the way, I always -- I always have to say this.

I'm always using this Christian story.

But if you're atheist or Muslim or Jewish or Buddhist

or whatever you are, I'm still including you.

There are some holidays that transcend religion,

and one of those holidays is Christmas.

Or at least it should do that.

So all those people who showed up on the day

of the birth of Jesus,

and the few days afterwards were people

who had one thing in common, which is they were alone.

And lots of people in our family

here at the "Last Drive-In" became alone

this year, our mutant family as we call it.

Because this was a rough year in many ways for many people.

And, um, 2024 in the United States

is no different than the year zero in Bethlehem.

There were just as many people just as alone back then.

But notice I didn't say these people were lonely.

The day before they found out about the baby

they were lonely,

but then this miracle happened.

And when a miracle happens, you have no choice

but to take your eyes off yourself and your own problems

and focus on the miracle.

And so whatever they lost that made them lonely --

Maybe they lost their money.

Maybe they lost their job.

Maybe they lost their house.

Maybe they even suffered through the death of a close relative.

Whatever had happened to them, they felt disconnected.

They felt adrift.

They felt that whole nobody cares about anything.

They felt that what's the point of life thing?

They started comparing

and comparing their own sad self to others who were doing better.

And the idea that you've made mistakes

that took you to a place where you're boxed in,

you're imprisoned,

you're constantly thinking about what could have been

instead of what is,

That's the lonely place

and that's the loneliest place on earth.

You can be surrounded by 100 people,

and you can still feel the emptiness of that

if you're in that place.

And then some inner force,

some instinct told them go look at that baby Jesus over there.

And without even knowing his name or where he came from

or how he got there,

they went and they looked at the vessel

that brought hope into the world,

and maybe they even took somebody

with them to the stable.

And maybe that person with them didn't see anything.

They just saw, okay, there's a newborn baby in a manger.

There's a newborn with no special significance,

just some poor person's baby.

But the ones who saw hope and new life and transcendence,

they felt some kind of power and energy in their bones.

And it was the power of saying get over yourself.

There are bigger things happening.

There are cosmic things. Your isolation does not matter.

And so snap, in an instant,

they didn't feel the isolation anymore.

They weren't alone.

They were wrapped up in the power that comes to you

when you realize you have nothing to complain about.

Your entire focus shifted to somebody else's

needs instead of your own, and your life was restored.

So you got your energy back and your strength

and your certainty that you're in the right place,

no matter what is taken away from you.

Now, I'm not saying

that these lonely people looked at the baby Jesus and saw God,

or they saw anything supernatural.

I'm just saying that they took in the whole situation

in that stable, and they realize their own needs were trivial,

and they stayed there

and they gave comfort where they could and physical help

where they could and words of support where they could.

And when they left, they had peace in their hearts.

Now, maybe you're lonely this year.

Don't be. We're here.

You know, there are many things you can do to feel better.

Even many things right here, like our Christmas auction

where 100% of that money goes to help others.

But the benefits of the holidays won't hit you

until you give something away, and it doesn't have to be money.

It can be something as simple as give your attention away.

And if you think it's strange

that some goofy horror host is talking about stuff like this

at Christmas, you know, Darcy, you knew I was going to do.

-Of course.

-You know that I do this every year.

If you are screaming at the screen

to start the fucking movie, you jerk,

which I would not blame you for saying at this point,

just take a moment and think about the person in your life

that you dislike the most, the person who has rejected you,

the person who has ghosted you or stolen from you,

or beat the crap out of you,

or just think for a minute about the person

who may be made you feel lonely in the first place,

the person you do not want to be with at Christmas,

and go out of your way

and tell that person Merry Christmas

and wish him health and happiness

and invite them into the spirit of the season,

which is joyful and see what that does.

Not for them, for you.

Because that is what happened to those people

standing around the edges of the stable,

looking on -- on the day the baby Jesus was born.

Okay, Darcy. -Okay.

-I was quick, right?

And I know I embarrassed you again...

-Relatively. -...and I embarrassed the whole

production staff. They were saying, "Wow,

we got through that whole first movie

and he didn't do the Christmas message."

You know, so I apologize.

And now we can go back to blood, gore, murder,

mayhem and cheap horror like God intended.

-Alright, let's do it.

-And now it's time for the film that asks the question,

what if in the beloved Christmas classic "It's a Wonderful Life,"

instead of George Bailey wishing he'd never been born

because of losing money,

he makes the wish because he electrocuted a serial killer.

And also, what if instead of being a family man,

he was a teenage girl?

So that's what happens in "It's a Wonderful Knife,"

where the greedy banker who wants to buy up the town

is named Henry Waters,

only he also dresses up as a sort of a Christmas tree angel

and starts stabbing people to death.

And instead of George Bailey,

we have Winnie Carruthers,

a high school senior who dreams of going to NYU

to study photography

and is irritated by the fuss her family makes about Christmas.

But when she's attacked by the angel on Christmas Eve,

she kills him.

Only she's traumatized and not hailed as a hero.

Plus, her parents give her brother a tricked out

truck for Christmas and she gets a pink tracksuit.

So she wishes she'd never been born,

and then discovers what would happen if she hadn't been

due to a quirk in the aurora borealis or something.

-Sure. -Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with a bullied girl

everybody calls weirdo in the Clarence the Angel role?

I think not.

Let's take a look at those Drive-In totals.

We have 14 dead bodies,

throat slashing, candy cane through the back of the skull,

jumper cable electrocution, dagger to the eyeball,

axe to the back, dagger to the stomach,

One fall down the stairs, stake to the chest,

one murderous plan to acquire real estate,

one serial killer dressed as a Christmas tree angel,

sort of, one college rejection,

one cheating boyfriend,

one alternate reality, bullying, one magic wish-granting Aurora,

gratuitous Christmas parties, ceremonial dagger fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Justin Long

as the greedy banker serial killer Henry Waters

for wearing novelty teeth and for saying,

"You just made my naughty list."

Jess McLeod as the girl

everybody calls weirdo for saying, "Look,

I want to believe you. You're George Bailey."

And for Jane Widdop as Winnie Carruthers

for being the angsty teen version of George Bailey

and for saying, "No school, no best friend,

no boyfriend, no one cares.

It's like I don't exist."

Two stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

-Oh, two stars.

-Should I give extra stars at Christmas, Darcy?

I mean, it's Christmas.

Should I -- should I give extra stars?

-I feel like you have to be honest,

but maybe in the spirit of Christmas,

you can give an extra half a star.

-Half a star? Okay, two and a half stars.

-Yay. -See, now that --

that last half star is tainted, though,

because it might be a charity star.

In fact, we just said it was a charity.

-Yes, but it's a Christmas gift,

so they're not required to accept it if they don't want to.

-Okay. -Okay.

-But two and a half real stars.

I'm revising my review. Two and a half, done.

No charity.

-But now I feel like you might just be lying to be nice

because of the holidays.

-Two and a fourth stars for this movie.

-Now you're just being silly.

-Fair. [Laughter]

-Welcome back to the Yuki Yuletide Network

charity auction.

Next up, the shirt and medallion worn by Joe Bob

while filming his ill-fated 1982 public access pilot,

"Joe Bob's Gruesome, Groovy, Great Tuesday Movie,"

once worn by the man himself

at the finest gentlemen's clubs in Texarkana.

You can impress your friends with this masculine floral print

and glimmering macho medallion.

And don't forget Princess Delilah.

-Does she have big boobs?

-This gorgeous horror icon from Joe Bob's past

is ready to be your cinematic sidekick.

Bid on both Delilah and Joe Bob's groovy outfit now.

Go to joebobschristmascarnage.com

All auction items can be autographed by request.

♪

[Static]

♪

[Knife slashes]

♪

-Do you want the best?

From the best?

Look no further than Waters Cove.

The future shopping, dining, and entertainment destination

for a brand-new Angel Falls.

My Angel Falls. Hey, you! [Chuckles]

And remember, there's only one name that you can trust --

Waters Corp.

I'm the best, so [bleep] the rest.

Tell 'em Henry sent ya.

♪

[Bells chiming]

-♪ I heard those bells

♪ On the sweetest Christmas Day ♪

♪ That thing makes me feel ♪

♪ As good as they can play ♪

[Cheering]

[Camera shutter clicks]

-Merry Christmas!

-Whoo!

Oh, you get me! You get me! Really!

It's so good to see all of you on this blessed day.

A little cold.

All of your smiling, beautiful faces,

they all keep me warm all year 'round,

I'll tell you that.

[Applause]

But we're here for one thing.

I know you know what it is.

Should we do it? -Yeah!

-Angel Falls, I give you...

Christmas!

[Cheers and applause]

-Looks like we'll make it to our car this year

without Mr. Waters making Dad do some work.

-Hey. David Carruthers, is that you?

-Jinxed it. -Look it!

All the Carruthers are here!

-Hey, great job with the tree.

-Oh, thank you!

What did you think? -Oh, God.

Is that Mr. Waters' little brother Buck

taking selfies?

-He started an OnlyFans last week.

-[Laughs] -I swear.

-Did you see the commercial, Judy?

My new one? -No. Not yet.

-Oh, you got to check it out.

It's playing regionally thanks to David's marketing genius.

-Yeah, I directed that bad boy.

-Oh, I remember, Buck. -Ha, I know.

I kicked you off the set.

-Yeah, okay, okay.

-That's what I remember.

-Hey, Buck.

You remember me?

Jimmy Carruthers.

You were my peewee football coach.

-Yo, yo, yo, TikTok. Um...

if you ever wanted to see my dick,

Merry Christmas to you.

It's hard to fit it under the tree.

-Please shoot me.

-David, we still got to get Roger Evans.

He won't sign those papers.

Roger's house is the last thing standing in the way.

-Standing in the way of what?

-Well, this is exciting.

Phase Four for the new Angel Falls.

It's gonna be your future favorite shopping,

dining, and lifestyle destination.

LA's got The Grove. We're gonna have Waters Cove.

Can't believe you didn't tell her about this!

-Didn't the town council decide his house

is an historic landmark?

-Ma'am, they almost did.

See, I'm a little bit more persuasive

than my father ever was.

He was so driven by sentiment. [Chuckles]

Let's go, Dave. We'll talk about it on the way.

-Dad, it's Christmas Eve.

-Just keep my meal warm. I won't be long.

-You have a microwave?

You can heat up the food afterwards.

It'll be fine. -I love the microwave.

-Yeah, she cooks all the meals in the microwave.

-Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas!

Come on.

-It's okay, Mom. This happens every Christmas.

You ought to be used to it by now.

-Come on. Let's go home.

-Henry Waters, Prince of Angel Falls, strikes again.

-♪ Around the fire on Christmas night ♪

-Here we go, Roger. You got the pen?

All ready to go. Let me just twist it.

Ready to go for you.

-Mr. Evans, we know you're carrying

a lot of debt, and you could use the money.

So, I think it's a really great idea to sign.

-You're a good man, David.

But my family's lived here for generations.

My granddaughter will own it next.

I'm not signing.

-[Chuckles]

-When your dad died a few years ago, Henry,

he should have left the business to David.

-But I'm his son.

-David was more of a son to him than you ever were.

-Look, Roger. I know you and your family,

you used to be the gold standard around here.

Especially at Christmas time.

You donated those trees, year after year.

But that was in the past.

'Cause I'm here now.

So, I want you to take a look around your town --

if you're able to walk outside on your own.

And you will see that I'm the person this town

needs to move us on into the future.

-By kicking them from their storefronts and their homes?

The people of this town areits future, Henry.

They want to live.

To work and be happy. And that's it.

Your father knew that.

Why do you want to take that away from them?

Why do you want to turn them into your drones?

-Roger, you don't know anything about my father.

So why don't we leave him out of this, yeah?

♪

It's your last chance.

Sign the papers.

♪

-No.

-You okay, Grandpa?

-Hi, Cara.

Just a little Christmas business.

-[Chuckles]

-You off to the party?

-Yeah. Unless you need me to stay?

-No, no, you go on. Have fun.

-Love you, Grandpa.

Good to see you, Mr. Carruthers.

-Great to see you, Cara.

We'll see you tomorrow night for dinner?

Great. Have fun at the party.

-Hey, Cara.

You be safe now.

♪

-For my gay son!

-Oh, a rainbow! Ornament.

-Isn't it cute?

-[Laughs] -Just like you.

-[Laughing]

You're gonna have to hang that on every Christmas tree

for the rest of her life.

[Door closes]

-Alright, alright. Everyone cool your tits.

We're here. -Where have you been, sis?

-Oh, Karen's parents.

We were just having another lovely Christmas Eve dinner.

We explained we are, in fact, married and not roommates.

-What can I say?

My parents aren't exactly marching at Pride any time soon.

Winnie, Cara's waiting outside.

-Oh. Coming, Jimmy?

-I have to do my hair. -Hm.

Does this help?

-No.

-[Laughs]

Bye, Mom! -Oh, okay.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

-Oh, no! Get fucked up!

-Gale! -Judy!

-Oh, my...

-Whoo!

-♪ Gimme back the Christmas that I know ♪

-Oh, hey!

-♪ I'll meet you there

[Laughing]

-No Eddie? -Oh, he's meeting us there.

Robbie? -Same.

-Hey, can you drive home later?

I need to get drunk.

-Of course. What happened?

Henry Waters.

That spray-tan prick wants to own this whole town.

Apparently, my family home is the last thing

standing in his way.

-Sleep over tonight.

Tell your grandpa to be over for Christmas breakfast.

Carruthers-Evans Christmas day special.

-Done and done.

[Sighs] Fuck Henry Waters.

-Yeah, totally.

"F" that guy.

-Just say "fuck", Winnie-- -I can't! [Laughs]

[Camera shutter clicks]

Got it. -Cute!

-♪ Christmas that I know ♪

[Pounding on door]

-Go away, Henry. I told you no.

[Pounding on door]

♪

Henry, I told you --

[Dog barking in distance]

Ah!

♪

♪

[Electricity buzzing]

-Fuck, yeah! Christmas!

[Cheering]

♪

-Oh, Darla's here.

-♪ It's Christmas Eve so get in the car ♪

♪ And travel back to your hometown ♪

[Indistinct chatter]

-Win, take a photo!

Get my good side. -So cute!

[Camera shutter clicks]

-[Laughs] -Heck, yeah!

These are yearbook-ready.

-Yeah, you finally made editor.

One more brag for your college applications.

-I'm surprised you're here, Darla.

I thought you were grounded tonight.

-Yep. Well, my mom and dad went to visit my sister.

I have the house to myself.

-House to yourself, huh? You gonna have anyone over?

-Obviously.

It's like the after-party after-party.

After this party.

-Hi.

-Ew, no. Don't talk to Weirdo.

Weirdo looks so stalkerish over there.

-Harsh, Darla. -Hardly.

She knows that everyone calls her that.

Right, Weirdo?

-Winnie, babe.

Tell your brother I keep saving his ass over and over again.

Hey. Football team never gets

the rest of the credit when we make

the quarterback look good.

-Jimmy is the Carruthers family golden child, Robbie.

-Ouch, Winnie. -Just teasing.

-Good. Besides, you've got New York

and a future to look forward to.

-As for me, after graduation,

I'll probably be coaching JV football in the fall.

For now, there is a brooding, mysterious, artistic type

that requires...

my attention.

Later, virgins.

-Speak for yourself.

Well, uh, I'm out.

Need more.

-I'll join you.

-Alright.

-Babe, want anything?

-No, I'm good. Thanks, though.

-I'm gonna go see what Eddie's up to.

-You go do that.

♪

♪ Jingle bells all the way ♪

♪

-♪ The girl of my dreams ♪

♪ I need you real soon now ♪

-Fuck.

You're a good kisser.

[Twig snaps]

-Someone's watching us.

Hey, let's, uh...

let's get out of here, yeah?

♪

-The lights are so pretty.

They should keep them up all year.

-Here?

-This is perfect.

Kiss me.

Ew. What did you eat?

[Gasps]

♪

[Screaming]

♪

[Screams]

♪

[Panting]

♪

[Gasps]

♪

[Music playing]

Help me!

Somebody please help me!

He's after me!

-[Screams]

-[Gasps]

-Winnie, come back!

-[Grunting]

-Come on. We got to go.

-Okay.

-No! Cara, no! No! No! No!

No, no, no. No, you're...

you're not dead. Please.

Please, wake up.

[Panting]

Please.

[Screams]

♪

[Grunts]

♪

♪

[Panting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

[Grunting]

♪

-Come on.

Get up. Get up, come on!

Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

[Gasps]

♪

♪

[Screams]

[Electricity crackles]

♪

[Gasps]

♪

-[Groans]

[Panting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

Mr. Waters?

♪

-Angel Falls is renewed. -And full of life!

-Our community is stronger than ever.

Hey, Chad! Have a great day

-Everyone has a smile.

-And we give free smiles with every home purchase

from Carruthers Family Realty.

-Because, with us, you don't just get a house.

- You get a home!

-[Scoffs]

Can't believe that was the best take.

[Sighs]

♪

♪

[Computer chimes]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Not another Christmas.

-Let's go, Winnie.

-[Sighs]

-We're gonna be late! Jimmy!

-Oh. Did you hear from NYU?

-Not yet.

-You forgot your camera.

-No, I didn't.

-Hey, you guys. Do you smell that?

[Sniffs] It's Christmas.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

Everyone!

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

[Christmas music playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-You killed my brother.

♪

Y-Your family, they're, um...

they're really thriving 'cause of what you did.

The whole town's happy he's dead.

-That night still haunts me, Buck.

Every day I'm sorry.

-I should fucking end you.

I should fucking end you 'cause of what you did.

♪

♪

-Look outside. It's snowing.

Oh, my gosh.

-Looks like everybody got their wish.

-They sure did.

-Okay, and one for Winnie.

I love this tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve.

Come on, open it. I want to see!

-Workout gear?

-Pink! But you love pink.

Good job, David!

-Nobody had that color.

-David, no, no, no.

-The dick got me a scale.

-We can hear you guys whispering.

-What's the matter?

-You never give women gifts related to their bodies.

-It's never okay. Even if it's from your own dad.

-Especially if it's from your own dad.

-Oh, come on. It's fun. It's got your initial on it.

-Come on. Just go put it on.

-Judy, maybe she just tries it on later.

-Winnie. Come on, just go put it on.

For us.

Please.

-Okay.

-Alright!

-Charades?

-Jesus Christmas!

[Horn honking]

Here you go, Mom and Dad.

Where did everyone go?

-Oh, well, your brother got a new truck.

-What?

-Are you kidding?!

[Laughing]

Oh, my God! This is actually insane!

-My business partner needs to drive in style.

[Laughs]

Get in!

-Are you fucking kidding me?

-Winnie, language! -What's the problem?

-Winnie, it's okay. It's for both of us.

I swear. You drive it whenever you want.

It's ours. -Nice try, Jimmy.

But Dad gets me a lesbian tracksuit?

-Hey! We would never wear that.

-Sorry, Aunt Gale.

-And you get a damn truck?

-We got you both something you needed.

-Can everyone please stop

ignoring what fucking happened last year?

People were killed.

My best friend was killed.

Cara and her grandpa spent every Christmas here.

How can you act like nothing happened?

-Winnie, it's time to let that go.

-Seriously?

I killed Mr. Waters.

I burnt him to a crisp. And we never talk about it.

The town never talks about it.

Everyone just moved on.

-Winnie, it's Christmas Eve.

-Why would you want to relive that?

♪

It's got a 6.2-liter engine, which is pretty amazing.

[Static]

♪

-Okay.

So far not that much resemblance to "It's a Wonderful Life."

Other than that,

it's a small town dominated by an evil businessman

like Lionel Barrymore or Mr. Potter

in the original movie.

Um, Henry Waters is played by Justin Long,

who said he modeled his whole appearance and performance

after the televangelist Joel Osteen.

And once you know that, you can't stop thinking about it

because he really did nail that resemblance

and the mannerisms and the --

-So, what are you drinking over there?

-Oh, um, switching over to eggnog from beer.

Somebody left some in the trailer.

So, you know, tis the season, and you want a little bit of it?

-Oh, no.

Someone -- Someone "left it" in the trailer?

-Uh, you do not question a Christmas miracle, Darcy.

So... -Okay.

-Uh, "It's a Wonderful Knife"

is the project of Michael Kennedy,

the writer of the body swap comedy "Freaky,"

who, uh, conceived this idea during the pandemic as a way

to do a Christmas horror movie

without relying on any Christmas horror cliches

like a killer Santa Claus or whatever.

And later he teamed up with Tyler MacIntyre,

the director of "Tragedy Girls,"

after the two indie filmmakers developed a friendship.

And then the bulk of the movie

was worked out through a collaboration between writer,

director and cast,

with several of the cast members

like Justin Long adding extensive material

to their own characters,

and at some point they decided to make almost all

of the characters gay.

Uh, the character of Jimmy the football star

being a version of Kennedy himself.

Kennedy was a gay high school athlete

in his hometown of Cleveland.

Um, both Kennedy and MacIntyre are --

They're like Coen brothers type creators

in -- in much of their source material

is other movies,

because besides "It's a Wonderful Life,"

they have cited "Scream"... -Yeah.

-..."Back to the Future"... -Yeah.

..."Halloween, "Scream 2." -Yeah.

-Specifically "Scream 2" as films

that they borrowed from to make "It's a Wonderful Knife."

But they did not use Clarence the Angel

as a source, and Michael Kennedy wanted

that angel type character to be, a, the serial killer himself

who attacks wearing an angel costume,

and B, the girl known as Weirdo,

so that Jane Widdop as Winnie

would be advised by an entity less supernatural

than Clarence the Angel. At any rate,

you won't get the parallels

until we get further along in the story.

So let's get back to the movie.

Roll it.

And I should say this, Winnie is played by Jane Widdop

and Weirdo is played by Jessica McLeod,

and they both identify as non-binary.

So correct me, Darcy,

if I start saying she on either one of those actors.

-Will do, boss.

-Because I get gender confused.

Is non-binary the same as bisexual?

-Oh, no, no, no.

-I didn't think. -[Laughs]

-So -- So what's the difference?

Tell me the difference.

-Oh, uh, bisexual is just sexual orientation.

Non-binary is how they identify their gender.

So they can be non-binary, but still be straight.

-Okay.

I tell you what. -Okay.

-Just police my pronouns, okay?

-I got you.

♪

-Welcome back to the Yuki Yuletide Network

charity auction.

The next celebration of Christmas Joy

is the signature edition script book of the holiday classic,

"I Spit on Your Grave."

This beautiful printing of the film script

also includes behind the scenes insights,

and is signed by none other

than rebel director Meir Zarchi and actress Camille Keaton.

Bid today.

Go back to school with this next auction item.

A limited edition Reading is Fundamental poster,

as seen during "Joe Bob's Summer School."

Created in this style of 1990s classroom propaganda,

this educational poster featuring Ernie the Lizard

is sure to motivate you to finally finish that

James Joyce book you've been putting off since college.

There are only five posters available, so bid today.

All auction items can be autographed by request.

♪

[Static]

-[Sighs]

-[Sighs]

Merry Christmas, kid.

-Ugh.

[Cellphone chimes]

[Cellphone chiming]

-Boyfriend Robbie?

He's intense.

-[Sighs]

-♪ I'm so good and not bad

♪ We could go far sometimes ♪

♪ Living how you're choosing ♪

-Robbie?

[Indistinct chatter]

♪

Vicki, hey, got a sec?

-What the fuck, dude?

We're playing gummy toss here.

First to five wins.

And I'm up four to two.

-Wow, cool.

Who is this old asshole?

-Robbie's weird neighbor?

I don't know. He brought weed gummies, though.

Want one?

-No. Have you seen Robbie?

-No. Check the basement.

-Mm! See that shit? I win.

♪

-Robbie?

♪

-Hey back. -What?

-You said "hey" to me last year at the party,

and now I am saying hey back.

-Mm-kay.

It's Bernie, right?

-Yeah. It's -- it's Bernie.

-So, "It's Bernie"...

-[Chuckles] Good.

-Have you seen my dumb boyfriend Robbie?

-Yes

He's in the backyard. [Cup clatters]

-Will you shut the hell up?

-I'm looking for Robbie.

-He's in the laundry room.

-I thought you said he went outside?

-Yeah, I did 'cause that's...

I just saw him there so -- -Weirdo's lying.

He's in the laundry room.

-Get out of here, Weirdo.

[Laughing]

-You have very good aim.

♪

-Wow. Just wow.

Seriously?

Hey, Winnie!

Winnie, wait!

-Finally.

I was so sick of just sneaking around all the time.

-Finally? Jesus, Darla.

I catch you, and you're relieved?

-Sort of. Yeah.

-Okay, well, you two suck.

-Sorry, but you're not exactly present.

Darla and I have been doing this for a year,

Winnie, and you never noticed.

-A year?

-Shit, Win, we never meant for you to find out this way.

-Robbie, it's sticking out!

-Winnie, wait. Don't go --

-Wait. You were covering for them, weren't you, Weirdo?

-No, no. I was trying to protect you --

-I don't need help from you!

♪

♪

[Gagging]

Shit.

[Sighs]

♪

[Laughing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

No school.

No best friend.

No boyfriend.

♪

No one cares.

It's like I don't exist.

♪

Everyone would be better off...

if I was...

never born.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Guys, did you see that?

Did the power go out or something?

Oh, my God.

[Screams]

♪

Help me!

Help!

♪

[Rattling]

♪

[Glass shatters]

♪

Help! I'm at the wharf near Angel Park!

Somebody's trying to kill me.

-[Gasps]

-Ma'am, did you break my window?

-Buck, he's after me! He was trying to kill me!

-The Angel? -What?

Yes!

-[Sighs]

Hey, Chuck. I'm gonna need some backup.

[Siren chirps]

...some of that chalk that we outline the people on.

Can we get some more of that caution tape?

I feel like --

I feel like we need to be a little more cautious here.

Chip, can we get a canine unit down here?

I-I don't think it's gonna help catch him but it just...

it helps the vibes, you know?

This looks pretty good. I mean, not this spot.

Obviously... -Buck.

-Yeah?

-When did you become a cop?

-Do I know you?

-Where is the sheriff?

-I'm the sheriff. Sheriff Waters.

Show me some respect.

-Okay. What is going on?

Where's Sheriff Beatty, and why's everyone acting

like this is no big deal?

-Ma'am -- -It's Winnie.

You know that. -Okay. Winnie.

Sheriff Beatty was murdered almost a year ago.

I've been in charge ever since.

-You're joking.

-It's true.

Sheriff Beatty was killed

shortly after the Angel Park murders.

He was victim number five.

-Five?

Have there been more than five?

How many have there been?

-Well, this is, uh...

26 or 27?

The Angel strikes every couple of weeks.

How can that be? Everyone knows who did it.

-You know who did this?

Who did this? [Car door closes]

-Your... -Hey!

-...brother. -Is this her?

-Yeah.

-You never had a witness before.

-Yeah. -Huh, Buck?

Hi. Hi. I'm Henry Waters.

You okay? You're okay. It's okay.

Whoa, whoa, easy, easy. Easy, easy.

Yeah, I'm gonna invade your personal space.

I want you to know, you have this town's full support.

Anything you need, you just --

you just let Uncle Buck know.

Now, as mayor, I want you to know

that you have a friend here in Angel Falls.

Now, are you just visiting our town, or do have family here?

Oh, she -- she can't talk, she's so scared.

It's okay. You're all right.

-She says she knows who did it.

♪

-Is that so?

-I-I don't know, actually.

I misspoke.

-I was chased, but then he disappeared.

Never saw his face. Wish I did.

-Well, lucky you.

-He was about your height, Mayor.

♪

-Anything else?

-Nope.

-Don't you have stuff to do, Buck?

A report to file? -Well, I --

-Why don't you keep an eye on that girl?

-In which order?

♪

♪

-[Panting]

♪

Mom. Oh, thank God.

Mom. Are you drunk?

-What are you doing here?

I clicked the option to leave the pizza on the porch.

-Where's Jimmy? Jimmy?!

Jimmy, are you here?

-Hey.

What's going on? Who are you?

-Dad, where's Jimmy?

-What?

Is this a joke? Huh?

It's not funny.

-[Chuckles]

-Jimmy?!

-Hey!

-Shh.

-Jimmy?!

♪

♪

-You're looking for Jimmy? Why?

-I need to find him.

-What for?

-I just -- I need his help.

-Oh, honey...

Jimmy is...

dead.

-No, no. I...

That's not -- that's not possible.

-I'm so sorry. -I saved him.

I swear.

I swear I saved him.

-You need to get out of here.

-Just go easy on her. I think she's in shock.

-My son was murdered a year ago.

I had one kid. Now I have none.

You need to get out of this house.

-I'm sorry.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Citizens of Angel Falls, this is your favorite mayor

reminding you all that it's one hour until curfew.

Why not head inside early and make some cocoa?

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Henry Waters. He owns it all.

♪

[Gasps]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Hard rock music playing]

♪

♪

[Indistinct shouting]

♪

♪

-Weird neighbor Pete.

Vicki. What's in the pipe?

-Some good old crank.

-Cut the shit.

[Laughs]

-Have you seen Robbie? Or Darla?

I need their help.

Hello?

[Coughs]

♪

♪

-Oh, my God. Bernie.

-Hi.

-You know me?

-No.

-Then why are you acting like you do?

-I don't know.

-Okay. Weird story.

I think I'm dead or invisible.

-Mm. I can see you.

We all can see you so you're not dead or invisible.

-Right, right. No, I totally get that.

It's just, you don't know me, right?

-That's right. I don't.

-And no one else here knows me.

Yo, Tara, do you know me?

-[Chuckles] No.

-[Groans]

Yo, Chad, do you know me?

-I'd like to.

-Ew, barf, no, bye.

See? No one knows me.

No one in this whole town knows me.

-So, um, who are you?

-I'm Winnie Carruthers. I'm Jimmy Carruthers' sister.

-Okay.

That's super effed up. You're just playing with me?

You're trying to get me to freak out.

Someone will point and laugh at me?

God, this while school messes with me.

This is, like, next-level gross.

-Bernie, we go to school together.

-I don't think that we do.

-We did.

You got to help me.

-[Speaking indistinctly]

[Laughing]

-Robbie and Darla. They're the "it" couple.

This is his house.

-I know.

-Invisible a minute ago,

and now she knows whose house this is.

It's like make up your mind.

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-Robbie.

Darla.

-That's us.

Are you two in love?

-Three years strong. Yeah.

-You know our names. What's yours?

-Winnie.

-Okay, well, uh, good to know ya, Winnie.

-[Giggling]

♪

-[Panting]

♪

Shit!

♪

-Kick me! Kick me in the junk!

[Gasps]

-What the hell are you doing?

-What does it look like, bro?

He's kicking my ass! [Laughs]

-What is this town?

♪

-♪ Holy fucking shit ♪

♪ It's Christmas ♪

♪

-The lights look so cool.

[Laughing]

[Cellphone chimes]

♪

Oh, my God, there's been more murders.

-So? -So?

Dude, people died.

More people.

-So fuckin' what?

Am I just supposed to stop living life?

Live in perpetual fear?

Let it kill my buzz? Come on.

-I must be drunk to keep listening to this.

-What did I say?

-Really drunk.

-I am so misunderstood.

♪

♪

Ah!

-[Grunts]

♪

[Clattering]

♪

-Help me!

[Groans]

♪

Open the fucking door!

♪

[Music playing]

♪

[Blows landing]

♪

Please.

♪

♪

[Thunder rumbling]

[Indistinct talking]

[Music playing in distance ]

♪

-They really are in love.

♪

♪

Carruthers, Carruthers, Carruthers.

Then I'm really gone.

♪

♪

[Laughing]

♪

-Unfortunately, citizens of Angel Falls,

the killer did strike again.

But know that I am working on it.

I'm going to solve this.

My men are more than equipped to handle the situation.

So please take comfort in that

-Weirdo. Weirdo, I'm talking to you.

Why are you showing up everywhere?

We don't want you here.

-Murders for a year, and you have a party?

Murders for a year, and you still treat her like shit?

Plus, the drugs?

-We're mourning, okay?

-Quit pursing your lips, Vicki.

Your mouth looks like an asshole.

-Come on, Weirdo. Let's fuckin' go.

-Who are you?

-Great party.

-My mouth doesn't look like an asshole.

-Oh, my God, did you see their face?

Oh, no. I hope that they don't think

about that every day for the rest of their life.

Do you think -- -Bernie, wait.

-What?

-The killer is still out there, right?

-Very much so. Yeah.

-We got to stop him.

-Come with me.

-Oh, stupid Pete, stupid Weirdo.

And that other girl? Who is that?

My God, I don't care.

♪

[Screams]

♪

-Are you always alone for Christmas?

-My dad caught my mom.

He left when I was little,

and, uh, my mom's usually with whatever ass bucket

she's dating, so...

I do the best I can.

-It's nice, Bernie.

You designed these?

-And these.

If I can ever scrounge up the money,

I'm going to New York.

Fashion school.

-Really? NYCU was my plan, too.

Was.

Photography.

Didn't end up working out.

-Maybe it will and we'll end up there together.

-Whoa.

You did this?

-It's kept me going.

-Wait. What do you mean by that?

-The victims have been mostly teenagers.

And he murders every few weeks.

-It's Henry Waters.

You don't believe me.

-I mean...

-I stood under the aurora and said everyone

would be better off if I never existed.

Well, wish granted.

Because I'm seeing what Angel Falls is like without me.

Everyone at school calls you Weirdo.

Not like "a weirdo," they literally named you Weirdo.

How would I know that?

-You heard that tonight from Vicki.

-[Sighs] Just hear me out.

Last Christmas Eve, Mr. Evans was murdered

in his home first.

Then Eddie and Cara were murdered at the park party.

-Plus...

Jimmy.

-Well, in the version where I still exist,

I killed the killer, and it was Henry Waters.

He killed Eddie and Cara and then he came after me and Jimmy.

But I killed him. I saved Jimmy.

-You took out the killer,

and you're saying it was Mayor Waters.

-It was!

Oh, God.

♪

I wasn't there to save him.

And now he's dead.

-All the offed teenagers were part of families

with businesses in town.

Or they hadbusinesses in town.

-Had? -The kids died.

-And then the businesses died.

-And then you weren't around to stop him,

so he just kept going.

-And now he owns the whole damn town.

It's like everyone just gave up.

And he likes killing.

-Look, I want to believe you.

I mean, it makes sense.

Henry Waters is a twat. He's now mayor.

He killed the last sheriff so his TikTok cock dumb-ass brother

Buck could take over, which makes

Mayor Waters untouchable.

But let's say you're just...

you're some girl...

some potentially crazy girl no one knows.

And the day you reveal yourself in town

is the day there's another...

massacre.

[Cellphone buzzing]

And then another murder

at the party we were just at.

-What?

-Pete was killed at the party, Winnie.

-But I was with you.

-You went outside alone.

-Come on, Bernie! It wasn't me!

How can I be so sure?

[Screams]

-Come on, come on!

-[Screams]

[Screams]

-Ah!

-[Gasps]

♪

-Go, go, go!

-Holy crap, you aren't the killer!

You're telling the truth! You don't exist!

You're George Bailey!

Will you be my Clarence?

-Absolutely!

[Static]

-You know, the part I don't understand

is the aurora borealis, the northern lights.

What does that have to do with anything?

In the original movie, I think George Bailey is suicidal.

And so Clarence the angel comes to save him, right?

But in this case, Winnie is just wishing she'd never been born.

I guess that qualifies as suicidal, does it?

I mean, sometimes when I watch movies that are meta

and self-referential and derivative

and homages to other movies full of Easter eggs and sequences

based on sequences in previous films and characters

constructed from composites of other characters.

Sometimes when I encounter movies like that,

movies that wouldn't exist

except that they're mashups of other movies,

I don't really want to deal with it.

You know, I mean, I'm making an exception tonight

since it's a Christmas movie, you know?

I don't know, maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's the eggnog.

But it's got me thinking about all this.

-All this?

What do you mean? -Well, you know what?

What are we doing right now?

I mean, I'm glad people are tuning in,

hanging out.

But what are we up to, really?

I mean, we're interrupting a movie,

echoing another movie so we can dissect it like an owl pellet.

You know the thing ornithologists do

to figure out what owls have been snacking on.

-That's us. -But sometimes it's

like all the owls have just been eating other owls pellets.

Owl pellets all the way down.

Split one open.

It's just recycled mouse bones and fur

from some other owl that got hocked up.

-So -- -Well, okay.

Well, that's gross, but cheer up, man, it's Christmas time.

-All I'm saying is,

maybe we're well past the need for what I'm doing.

Because sometimes I think the world would be better

without film critics.

Like, especially film critics like myself.

Because, I mean, we're always looking for the next new thing.

We can just hand everything over to the internet fanboys

and the fan girls who want to recycle the past.

They can have it, you know?

You know what I'm talking about?

-I think so, but I disagree.

There's always something new to talk about.

And so what if there isn't? You just, I don't know,

you get inspired when you go on an unrelated rant.

That is worth it.

-Are you just trying to make me feel better?

You hate my rants. -I love your rants.

-Well...

I mean, life is more than movies, right?

I mean, if you just keep making the same movies

and the remakes and the sequels and the mash ups

and the meta reimaginings,

maybe you think the world is one big circular clock,

and we're destined to repeat and repeat and repeat

and it just makes me want to turn everything

over to artificial intelligence,

just forget about the future of innovation, you know?

Are you following this?

-You've just been working too hard.

-Maybe my kind of criticism is not needed anymore.

Maybe everybody would be better off

if it never existed in the first place, right, Darcy?

♪

So tired.

Just so exhausted.

♪

♪

[Bell chimes]

-Hey, pal. You can't sleep here.

-Can you give me a Lone Star?

Are you in craft service? You have some in the back or...?

Oh.

I must have dozed off.

Uh, I need to finish the movie.

-The movie?

-Careful what you wish for, cowboy.

-There is no movie. -When did you learn to talk?

-Look, man, I ain't going to write you up this time,

but you need to move along. -Where am I?

-Nakamura, Georgia, of course.

♪

Listen, man, just don't fall asleep and freeze to death.

Too much paper work. -Wait. Nakamura?

As in Yuki Nakamura? Like, the art director.

-Think again. You never existed.

Just like you wanted.

And that changes everything.

-Yuki, show me where the studio is.

I need to get back there. -Do I know you?

-Yuki, it's me. It's Joe Bob.

Where's he going?

-Yuki is a very busy man.

Things to do. He is the mayor after all.

-I don't like this. [Bell chimes]

I don't like this at all.

I want to go back to the movie.

But where is the movie?

Where -- Where am I?

-Right where the studio would be.

You haven't moved an inch.

The only difference is you never existed.

-Shutter might fire me for this.

Let's get back to the movie.

Roll the flick?

-Shutter doesn't need you or anyone else.

They were sold to a big Silicon Valley

corporation years ago.

Now they just use a AI for everything, including the hosts.

-[ Robotic voice ] And now we return to

"It's a Wonderful Knife" and Shudder.

-Welcome to the Yuki Yuletide Network charity auction.

Let's see what's in Santa's bag this time.

It's a Christmas crossover.

You can bid on two " Up All Night"

comics signed by Rhonda Shear,

including the issue where she,

Darcy and Joe Bob heroically team up to save the day.

And that's not all.

The winner of this item will also receive the very bra

that Rhonda let Joe Bob wear during the Night marathon signed

by her and the cast of the show.

This crossover gift set is sure to keep your loved ones

up all night, so bid on it today.

Celebrate history with this tremendous portrait

as seen on our National Cheese Sandwich Day presentation

of Trauma's immortal "Toxic Avenger."

This painting pays tribute to the junk food innovator

and veritable genius of Sir James L. Kraft.

Bid now and bring the Chancellor of Cheddar

home for the holidays.

Bid online now at joebobschristmascarnage.com.

♪

[Static]

-Citizens of Angel Falls,

this is your mayor, reminding you

to have a safe and Merry Christmas!

-Wait, wait. Hold on.

-It's curfew time!

-Oh, it's so pretty.

-It exploded when I made my wish.

-It shouldn't be here.

-What do you mean?

-I mean it's super rare to see an aurora from our town.

We aren't close enough to the Arctic.

But it's here.

And so are you.

♪

I don't think that's a coincidence.

♪

Come on.

♪

-Is this still open?

-Yeah, it's the only thing in town

Henry Waters doesn't own.

-How do we get in?

-I work here. [Keys jingle]

-Huh.

-We're safe here overnight, Winnie.

Loosen those shoulders.

This is my happy place.

[Music playing, film projector clicking]

♪

-A Merry Christmas to you, uncle!

-Thank you. -And God save you!

-Bah! Humbug! -Christmas a humbug?

You can't mean that, I'm sure.

-This is one of my favorites.

-What right have you to be merry?

What reason have you to be merry?

-You're poor enough. -Come, then.

What right have you to be dismal?

What reason have you to be morose?

You're rich enough.

-Win?

Did being unborn hurt?

-I'm tired, Bernie.

Can we not?

What? -I have so many questions.

-[Laughs]

-What?

It didn't hurt. It just sort of...happened.

-So, no plasma or goo or anything?

I would just imagine it's like --

it's like reverse childbirth.

-Where do you come up with this kind of stuff?

-Why are you here?

In this...reality?

To learn some lesson?

To appreciate life?

-I learned that lesson quickly.

♪

[Sighs]

I do wish I was born.

I wish Jimmy was alive.

See? Nothing.

[Sighs]

♪

-I know we just met,

but I have no doubt this town was better with you in it.

♪

♪

♪

-A Merry Christmas to you!

A Merry Christmas!

♪

-[Snoring]

[Snorts]

Bernie?

Bernie?

-Good morning!

I couldn't sleep at all. You snore so loud.

But look what I found.

-Do you shoot?

-Oh, I-I try.

I mean, it's probably not as good as you.

I can barely get a photo in focus.

-You stayed up all night doing this?

-Yeah, I live for this kind of shit.

The aurora is why you're here.

It's rare for it to be seen in our town, but it does happen.

And local folklore says the lights

are the spirit of someone who died violently.

-Henry Waters. -Yeah.

You killed him in your world, right?

Violently.

His spirit sent you here, Winnie.

And...

there's more.

The aurora's fading.

-And if it fades away completely,

I'm stuck here.

-Exactly.

-What do I do?

My best guess? -Kill him again.

Before the aurora disappears.

You'll get your wish to go back and reset...

everything.

-[Sighs]

-Yay!

Merry Christmas.

♪

-This is tonight?

-Yep.

A new Christmas festival in town gifted to us by Mayor Waters.

-"Are you naughty or nice?

Only Henry Waters can answer that?"

This could be our only chance.

-How do we get to him?

This whole town is basically up his ass.

-I think there's one person who can help us.

He's closer to Henry Waters than anybody.

[Knocking on door]

-You again.

-I just need to talk to you.

It's about Jimmy.

[Door slams]

I'm not going away until you talk to me!

I don't exist, man! I can do this all day!

-Subtle.

-I need to talk to him.

-Tell me how you know Jimmy.

-Make something up.

-He's my brother. And you're my aunt.

-Oh. -Can I come in?

-I'm your aunt?

-Yes. You're my mom's sister.

Dad works for Henry Waters.

-Okay, tell me something you can't Google.

-Your ass froze to the ground because you were rocking

an Aguilerean thong at the 1999 Christmas Eve park party.

♪

-I always knew that thong would bring people

together one day.

-What's an Aguilerean thong?

-Judy! What did I say? No more wine.

-Leave her alone.

-Do you have my Ambien?

-Do you have her Ambien?

-Who is that?

-Uh, you don't want to know.

I mean, he's upstairs if you really want...

-[Exhales]

-You have a lovely home.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Working on Christmas?

For Mr. Waters.

-Always.

-Are you okay?

[Pencil clatters]

-You want to talk about Jimmy?

You knew him?

-Yeah.

He was...

great.

-Yeah, he was.

I used to go to school with Jimmy.

I loved watching him play.

-Yeah. He was all-state.

-Two years in a row.

I remember this one game, he threw for six touchdowns.

He was so, so, so good.

-I remember that.

That was the state semis.

I -- I got so excited that I...

that I spilled hot cocoa --

-All over your pants.

-Yeah.

-Jimmy always lit up when he told me that story.

-God, I miss him so much.

-So do I.

-You know, it's really something.

One person, one life,

can change everything, just by being gone.

And they don't even know it.

And they are so lucky that they don't get to see the pain

they left in their wake.

And they should be so lucky.

Could you imagine?

What seeing this could do to a person?

♪

-I know who killed him.

-Oh, come on. Don't start this.

-I was there that night.

I saw what happened.

-What do you mean?

If you were there, why didn't you say something then?

-I couldn't.

It was Mr. Waters.

-It was Henry Waters?

My best friend?

My boss?

You're saying he killed my son?

-Yes. We need to stop him.

-Goddamnit! [Bangs table]

Why did you come here again? Huh?

Why are you so intent on hurting my family?

-Dad, he killed Jimmy!

-Dad? -What?

-You called me dad.

-No. I-I just --

-I'm not your dad. I have no children.

You need to get out of the house, go.

-He killed Jimmy. -Goddamnit!

The guy that you are accusing of murder right now,

he got me this house.

He feeds this family.

He paid for the burial of my son!

So, get the fuck out of here!

Go!

♪

-Are you okay?

-Hey, it's okay.

-My family, this town...

...it died that night with Jimmy.

I got to fix this.

[Smooching]

Uh, why is that strange man kissing your neck?

-Don't let that bastard scream at you like that.

-Yeah. Don't let that bastard scream at you like that.

-Who are you?

-Who are you? [Laughs]

-Mom has a side piece?

-Pieces, plural.

Told you you didn't want to know.

Goddamn mess.

You heard me, Judy? You're a goddamn mess!

-I didn't realize that was your mom.

-David is not the man he used to be.

-Well, that's true. He comes and goes at all hours.

Even in the middle of the night.

-Oh, look, there he fucking goes again!

[Door slams]

-You're not nice.

-Regardless, my husband thinks he's tough.

Don't let him trick you!

-Wait, Winnie.

They don't even know that they're your family, right?

I know it sucks. I've seen like a zillion randos

playing tonsil hockey with my mom, but...

we need them.

We need someone.

-Aunt Gale! That guy needs to leave.

♪

-Mom! No!

-No! Gale, we got to go, we got to go!

-[Screams] -Come on!

Winnie, let's go!

-[Screams]

Go, go, go!

[Screams]

♪

-Stop!

-[Groans]

♪

-We have to step over him.

♪

♪

♪

Go.

♪

He's still breathing.

-That's okay. I got you.

♪

♪

Okay, come on.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[ Whispering] What are you doing?

-I have to kill him.

-Yes, you can do it, Winnie.

♪

♪

♪

-Dad.

-I told you...

I'm not your dad.

-[Screaming]

♪

[Static]

-But where's the studio? -What studio?

-You know where they made "The Walking Dead?"

The studio. -That is no studio.

-But there were 177 episodes of "The Walking Dead."

-"Walking Dead?" What's that?

-There is no "Walking Dead," cowboy.

There is no "Walking Dead" show

because there is no "Walking Dead" comic.

Robert Kirkman never saw George Romero's films,

which he first saw on your show at a tender young age.

-Okay, Joe Bob Briggs here.

I'm so discombobulated tonight.

Have you heard about this couples therapy?

-The zombie revival craze never happened.

And the last remaining print of "Night of the Living Dead"

burned up in a fire in a Pittsburgh Warehouse in 1982.

-But zombie culture, slasher culture.

-What's a slasher? -What's a slasher?

Come on, Yuki -- I mean Mayor Yuki.

A slasher is one of the basic food groups of horror.

You worked on "Blood Diner," for God's sake.

Where -- Where's Darcy?

-One mind blowing reveal at a time.

-I swear, you little weasel,

I will smash you under the tire of an 18-wheeler

if you don't tell me where Darcy is.

-Are you okay? -I'm fine.

Where the lizard go?

-Lizard. -Never mind.

How'd you become the mayor?

Get a whole town named after you.

-Long story.

I got so rich, I got so bored.

So I went into politics.

-That's nice.

How'd you get so rich?

-Sales.

I was running a Christmas charity auction.

I realized that Christmas is a big business.

Tourist decoration.

No business like snow business.

-I don't like this.

We're at the third break by now.

Winnie's unmasked the killer, it's her own dad.

I gotta get back to my trailer.

Show me my trailer.

♪

-[ Robotic voice ] And now we return to

"It's a Wonderful Knife" on Shudder.

-The Yuki Yuletide Network,

your destination for last minute gifts

for the hoardhound in your life.

The next item is for the underground tape heads

on your Christmas list.

A copy of "Forbidden Zone" on Blu ray,

signed by both madman filmmaker Richard Elfman

and legendary composer Danny Elfman.

Two copies of the film are available to bid on right now.

Boring parties are a thing of the past,

with this next item,

a custom screen used Pin-The-Tail-On-Hogzilla

party game as seen during the Night marathon.

Things are going to get nasty this Christmas

for one lucky auction winner.

Bid online now at joebobschristmascarnage.com.

Brought to you by Nakamura Enterprises.

Nakamura --

There's no business like snow business.

[Wind blowing]

[Static]

♪

♪

-It's almost gone.

♪

♪

That should be good.

-I can't believe my dad is the one doing this.

-First Karen and now Judy.

I just...

-Karen?

-He killed her this past summer.

And then Waters took over her print shop a week later.

-I saw something in his eyes.

My dad is not fully...

my dad.

-His eyes have felt like that for a year.

-The aurora, Jimmy...

Jimmy's murder broke my dad.

Waters already owned him.

Now he controls him.

Just like everyone else whose life he destroyed.

-So, Waters did the first killing?

And is using my dad to punish his competition.

Making him kill in order to expand his empire.

-We can still change it back.

-Kill the killer. Remember?

-Hold up. -You saw the aurora.

It's gonna disappear tonight.

Once it's gone, there could be no stopping him.

-I have to kill my own dad?

-Correct.

-Good.

-Look, you can think of it as a dream, right?

You kill him, then you wake up.

And you get your life back.

-Weirdo is right, kid.

You're an unexpected wrinkle.

Your dad did not plan on you.

-You are his target now, Winnie.

If you don't kill him, he'll kill you.

And so many others in this town.

-So...

what's our plan?

-We lure him here.

-All right.

Let's kill my not-dad dad.

♪

[Light clicking]

♪

-I do mean it.

What right have you to be merry?

What reason have you to be merry?

You're poor enough.

♪

♪

-Now, Winnie! -[Screams

-But, Robbie, I can't see!

-Come on down, Bernie.

It's just Robbie and Darla.

-Is that a baseball bat?

-Why are you here?

-We had our first date here. It's a tradition.

-Yeah, they're kind of here a lot.

-Ugh. These two. I can't.

-So, why did you attack us on our thirdiversary?

-[Laughs] Of course it's your anniversary.

-Yeah, we are so lucky that we started dating

on Christmas Eve.

-So lucky. Yes, we are.

-Blech! -Blech.

-[Gagging]

♪

[Gags]

-[Screams]

♪

-Robbie!

Robbie, where are you? -Where is he?

-Bernie? I can't see! -Is he in here?

Darla? Darla?! -[Grunts]

-Where'd you go?!

♪

-Ah! -Robbie!

-Darla?

-[Gasps]

-Robbie?!

-Hey! Darla?

Careful, Darla! Darla, watch out!

Darla! Darla!

-[Screaming]

-Darla! Babe! Babe!

-[Screams]

-Shoot, shoot, shoot.

[Groans]

Oh, no! [Shutter clicking]

-No! Get off me!

-Robbie?!

Robbie, run!

[Knife slashing, plunging]

-[Panting]

♪

[Clanging]

Shit.

♪

-[Gasps]

-♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪ -[Screams]

-♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

-Get to the lobby!

♪

-[Screams]

-[Groans]

[Body thuds]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-You did it.

You did it.

♪

-This is the spot.

[Exhales sharply]

Let's hope this works.

-Can I just say, um...

you like me?

Right?

-Oh, Weirdo.

Of course I like you.

-This Christmas was gonna be my last.

-What? -You heard me.

This was gonna be it.

But you...

...you helped me realize.

-You matter, Bernie.

♪

-Yeah.

♪

I wasn't Clarence.

You were.

♪

♪

I hate to see you go.

But reset it. I'll be fine.

I promise.

♪

-I want my life back.

♪

I want my life back.

♪

I want to go home.

Let me go back!

He killed my goddamn mom, my aunt!

Do I need to suffer any longer?! Huh?!

-Winnie, we can figure this out --

Give me my life back, you hack!

[Screams]

[Panting]

Bernie, what do I do?

♪

[Applause]

-People of Angel Falls! Are you on my naughty list?

-Oh, crap.

I think the aurora heard you. It looks angry.

-We need to kill Waters.

[Static]

♪

-Give me my life back, you hack.

I understand the cinema, Winnie.

Weirdo beliefs are on faith

that they are in an alternate existence,

subverting the plot of "It's a Wonderful Life."

But who cares about the movie

since it apparently doesn't even exist?

Just tell me, lizard, what happened to Darcy?

-All right. Brace yourself, cowboy.

She's the chief justice of the Supreme Court.

-What? How did that happen?

-Pay attention now. In 2019,

Darcy was appointed by President Parton

after winning a landmark Free the Nipple

anti-censorship case that made her a household name.

-President Parton?

-Yeah, Dolly Parton, you know?

While finishing up her second term,

she called all of the nation's female billionaires

into public service.

-Darcy is a billionaire.

So is everybody in this universe just rich?

-D'arcy brand's leads the world in cannabis skincare products,

body-positive lingerie and the D'arcy record label

has offices in six continents.

-I was right.

Everybody's life is just better if I don't exist.

Cartoonishly better.

And what about her Mail Girl duties?

-Ask her yourself.

-Darcy. Darcy, thank god.

-Do you need help?

-Can you -- Can you sit here for a minute?

-Are you okay? -We were just watching

"It's a Wonderful Knife."

-Oh, I really hate horror movies.

-That is not possible. What do you mean?

You love horror. -No.

-Not just love, but it's the core of your being.

It touches every part of your life.

"Scream?" Wes Craven?

Ringing any bells? -I'm sorry.

I have no idea what you're talking about, sir.

-Not even "Halloween III?"

Come on, argue with me about "Halloween III."

Tell me how much of a national treasure Tom Atkins is.

-Is this Tom person a friend of yours?

Because maybe we should call him and he can come pick you up.

You can -- You can use my phone.

-Tom Atkins, one of the loves of your life.

You never shut up about him.

-Oh, the only love in my life is my husband Corey.

-Feldman? C-Corey Feldman the actor?

-I was his first and third wife.

But honestly, we're stronger for that,

but he hasn't really acted since he was a kid.

-He kicks Jason's ass in part four.

-Part four of what?

-She hasn't even seen part one.

-Just tell me --

tell me you're a horror loving mutant

so things will make sense

and the sun can rise in the morning,

so I'll know the world is still spinning.

-Um, does "Jaws" count?

That's a horror movie, I think. Right?

-Sure. -Yay.

-Tonight "Jaws" counts.

Back to the movie.

I guess.

-[Robotic voice] And now we return to

"It's a Wonderful Knife" on Shudder.

♪

-The Yuki Yuletide Network.

Next, on our Christmas auction,

Joe Bob and Darcy will take you to dinner and a movie.

The "Drive-In" host will fly to your town

and dine with you and your family

at your favorite establishment,

then bask in the magic of the movies

at a screening of your choice.

More details about this experience on the website.

Art lovers rejoice.

You can now bid on all of Darcy's

"Children of the Corn" drawing scene during the Night marathon.

Each of these remarkable works of art

depicts an important moment in "Last Drive-In" history.

-That Michael Berryman? -It's Michael Berryman.

-And will be signed by the artist herself.

Sold as a complete set,

these cherished memories are museum or gallery ready.

To bid on tonight's items, go to Joebobschristmascarnage.com.

♪

[Static]

The Holcombs!

The Holcombs have been nice, of course.

There they are.

What a lucky couple.

Year after year, always nice, and we appreciate that.

Well, thank you. Merry Christmas.

Buck Waters!

-Huh?

-You've been naughty.

-Uh-oh. -No, no.

Come to me, little brother. Come.

Don't we love Buck?

He's been such a great sheriff for our town.

[Light applause] We love Buck, don't we?

But, my little brother, you've been naughty.

I know.

I found out last week that Sheriff Buck here

put in for a transfer.

[Crowd groans] Yeah, he did.

Now, why would you do that?

-Get out of here!

♪

-I don't want to do this anymore, Henry.

-It's okay. It's okay.

You don't have to. You don't have to.

I forgive you.

-Winnie, they're all just watching.

-We made it worse.

-I forgive you.

[Knife plunges] -Ah!

[Gasps]

-This!

I do this all for you!

-Only Henry Waters can give you everything you need!

He's an angel!

He's your angel. -Someone do something.

-Oh, that's beautiful. Our angel.

-Get out of here!

All of you!

-Well, now...

what do we have here?

An outsider and a pariah.

[Chuckles]

Hi there, Weirdo.

How's your mom?

-Your dad caught her with Henry Waters.

♪

-You ruined her life.

-Oh!

Life?

[Laughs]

What life?

Bring them up. I want to talk to them.

Come on.

Get 'em up here. Let's have some fun.

Ruined her life? [Laughs]

It's a little annoying 'cause David was supposed

to take care of you.

It's another one for the naughty list, dear.

[Chuckles]

-So, David was just like the rest of these people?

More of your drones?

-Drones?

Well, that's an ugly thing to say in front

of all these fine people.

David needs me. Like they do.

The night I broke him, when I took his only son,

he saw my true power.

And he came to his senses, and so will you.

Very soon.

-Well, I guess there's something you should know.

-What's that?

-We fucking killed him.

-Did you really?

That's a shame.

This outsider's dangerous.

And she allies herself with our town's most pathetic.

You don't know Angel Falls.

What do you think?

You think you're gonna come up here

and liberate these people?

They desire to be ruled.

They need me.

♪

-The people in this town care about each other.

-Oh.

-And they know they don't need you.

-[Scoffs]

You have no idea what you are --

-Ah!

I've always fucking hated you!

-Get your fuckin' hands off me.

This is cashmere. Get off me.

Don't embarrass me, okay?

I can handle this.

Ooh. [Laughs]

Ooh, you like it rough, huh?

Just like your mom --

-[Screams]

-[Grunting]

-[Screams]

-You fuckin' bitches.

Hey, what the fuck? Hey!

Hey, get away from me!

-[Screams]

-[Grunting]

-Back up, piss heads! I'll use it!

-Ah!

♪

-You dumb little sluts.

You just made my naughty list!

-[Gags]

-And you made ours.

-[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I was here to help you.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Birds chirping]

[Gasps]

My room!

I made it.

♪

[Squeals] Christmas!

-We should give this to her as soon as she wakes.

We owe that to her.

-[Squeals] Mom!

[Laughs]

-Whoa. -What is this for?

-Christmas.

It's Christmas day, right?

-Of course.

Honey, you're being silly.

-Yeah, it better be. We got you a present.

You got to open it now, though.

We thought you could use a new camera.

-I love you.

-Aw, honey. -Love you.

-Good morning.

[Groans]

Merry Christmas to you, too!

Someone's got the hangover emotions.

-The hangover?

-You get one of those nights a year.

Do you hear me? You're too young to drink.

-I got drunk? -Oh, so drunk, kid.

-Aunt Gale, Karen. You're okay.

-Of course we're okay.

♪

-Whew.

What a long night.

[Sighs]

I didn't get into NYU, Mom.

-Oh, honey.

-It's a relief. It would have cost us a lot of money.

-It's okay.

-It's fine.

Really.

I love it here.

I belong here.

-I'm sorry we didn't let you heal.

-We're here for you, sweetheart.

-No more ignoring anything.

We're both so proud of you.

♪

-Aunties, too! Aunties, too!

-Okay... -You guys.

-Alright, fam. Let's tear these presents open.

Come on, chop-chop. -This is my favorite part!

-♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

-Bernie.

-Honey?

-Whoo!

I love Angel Falls!

Merry Christmas, movie theatre!

Whoo!

You look great! -Okay!

-No. It's okay.

I'm okay. You two are cute together.

You fit.

It's better this way.

-Okay. -Whoo!

-Thanks, Win!

I know. It's fine.

♪

-Open the door, Bernie!

[Banging on door, dog barking in distance]

-What are you doing here?

Bernie, no.

I know that it's hard right now,

but I'm your friend, and I can't let you do this.

You matter, Bernie.

-[Snorts]

You!

-I remember!

-I'm so glad you remember.

Hi. -Hi.

-Okay, get dressed.

We're gonna go to my house for breakfast.

And then we're going to the Clova

for a Christmas movie marathon!

-Okay.

-Get your shit together, Weirdo. I don't have all day.

-Don't ever call me Weirdo again.

-You got it, Bernie.

♪

-♪ La, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ You better believe it ♪ Hug me, it's your season

♪ Don't wait another second ♪

♪ Go get yourself that present ♪

♪ Can't be shy about the glitter ♪

♪ 'Cause you're better when you glimmer ♪

♪ You can be the sunshine ♪

♪ Shaking up the winter ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ If you want it, you can have it ♪

♪ Tis the season, make it yours ♪

♪ Tis the season

♪ Tis the season of joy

♪ Tis the season

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Go ahead and make it festive ♪

♪ Write a list and then re-check it ♪

♪ Don't have to wait till later ♪

♪ Eat the cookies for your breakfast ♪

♪ There's only one December ♪

♪ Better make it front and center ♪

♪ This will be the year that you'll always remember ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ If you want it, you can have it ♪

♪ Tis the season, make it yours ♪

♪ Tis the season

♪ Tis the season of joy

♪ Tis the season

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Tis the season

♪

♪ Tis the season ♪

♪ Tis the season of joy

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all around the world ♪

♪ If you want it, you can have it ♪

♪ Tis the season, make it yours ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static]

-So Winnie finally gets her George Bailey moment,

and all is right with the world.

The filmmaker said in an interview that this movie,

"borrowed from a number of other films,"

including copying a sequence from "Scream 2."

I didn't recognize it, though.

Maybe it's just me not remembering "Scream 2"

all that well.

Darcy, do you know what sequence they were talking about?

-Who were you talking to?

-Camera 1. You know what? Forget it.

It's not important. It's...

-Do you need to borrow my coat?

-Nope.

At this point, I'd rather freeze to death.

-Is there anyone that I can call for you?

Family? Friends? -Apparently not. No.

-Well, all right then.

-Take care.

♪

[Footsteps approaching]

♪

-I prefer you didn't freeze to death.

Merry Christmas.

♪

-So, have you had enough?

-I had enough of this sad shtick an hour ago.

-You made the wish, cowboy.

-The movie's over. Don't leave me in this place.

-All right, man.

Just get a grip and pray to Santa Claus or something.

-Okay!

-I'm gripping.

I'm gripped.

♪

♪

Wow.

How did we get back here? -Don't be weird.

-You freed the nipple. [Laughter]

-Well, I'm working on that. [Chuckles]

Where have you been?

-I was, uh...

I don't know where I was.

-We've done three whole breaks without you.

And I discovered an important lesson for Christmas.

-What is that?

-The world needs Drive-In Totals.

You must do Drive-In Totals.

-That's what I'm needed for?

-Drive-In Totals.

You count dead bodies, you count boobs,

you invent these categories.

-But anybody can do that.

-True.

But we need you to do it. -You do?

-We do.

-Joe Bob, why are you drinking my paint?

-Paint? -He's drinking my paint.

-Oh, my God. -What?

Okay, forget it.

-Wow.

Okay. Now read this letter.

[Laughter]

-Okay. -Yeah.

-Paint?

"Dear Joe Bob Briggs, David Worth here.

I wanted to personally thank you for your outstanding

presentation of the film that literally changed

my life and career, 'Death Game.'

As you know, I was the cinematographer on 'Death Game,'

Eastwood's 'Bronco Billy' and JCVD's 'Bloodsport.'"

Jean-Claude Van Damme. -Thank you.

-"Before, I was the director on Jean-Claude Van Damme's

'Kickboxer,' Cynthia Rothrock's 'Lady Dragon'

and Dennis Hopper's 'The Profits Game.'

I've had a long career as a filmmaker,

associate professor and author,

all because of my work on 'Death Game,'

the pivotal film in my long and somewhat checkered career.

'Death Game' began my association with Sondra Locke,

who liked my cinematography

and editing enough to recommend me to Clint Eastwood.

Sondra and I would talk several times a year,

and after I saw 'The Gauntlet,'

I called her to say how proud I was of her performance

up on the big screen with the big guys, 50/50.

She thanked me and then mentioned

that Clint had a big battle with the DP

because he refused to shoot a scene by campfire light.

I was dumbfounded because I just shot

an off-road motorcycle film, 'The Great Ride,'

mostly by campfire light.

Then the Divine Miss Locke asked me

a life-and-career-changing question.

Sondra said would you have a reel of that

to drop off at Mal Paso for Clint to see?

Wham!

That reel is what started the snowball rolling downhill

that in a few years became the avalanche

that delivered the script 'Bronco Billy'

to my apartment in North Hollywood.

And there's much more.

Sometime ask me about what valuable lessons I learned

while editing 'Death Game.'

Thanks for your time, Joe Bob."

Well, this -- this is great.

I mean, many people say that, um, uh, Peter Traynor,

even though he was the official director of the movie,

didn't direct it, and that David Worth

was the true director because he,

uh, came in and fix the problems

that were endemic in that movie.

But thank you, David, for getting in touch with us.

Um, well, we are in Georgia tonight, and I'm so glad, Darcy,

that you're not a billionaire running the Supreme Court.

And, uh... -Me too?

-Okay. -Where did that come from?

-I'll tell you later. -Alright?

But for now, I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

speaking for Darcy the Mail Girl

when I wish everybody a very Merry Christmas

and a happy New Year

and reminds you that Jews don't recognize Jesus,

Protestants don't recognize the Pope

and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

And the drive-in will never die.

-That was cute.

-Three friends are killed in a car accident,

and they all meet up at an orientation session in heaven.

And the celestial facilitator asked them what

they would most like to hear said about themselves

when their friends and relatives view them in the casket.

And so the first man says,

"I hope people will say I was a wonderful doctor

and a good family man."

And the second man says,

"I would like to hear people say that as a school teacher,

I made a big difference in the lives of children."

And the third man says, I'd like to hear somebody say,

"Look, he's moving."

[Light laughter]

-Okay. -Merry Christmas.

-That was a total bomb. -Merry Christmas.

[Laughter]

-Every time a joke flops, a lizard gets its wings.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪