Original subtitles

♪

♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪

♪

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

and you are watching "Joe Bob's Christmas Carnage."

-So, are you planning to tell me

why I'm wearing candles on my head?

-Yes, I will, Darcy.

And it's a great privilege and honor

to wear those candles on your head.

And you wear them well.

And I'll explain why in just a minute.

But first I have to say that,

you know, there are some nights on the eternal calendar of days

when the stars are aligned.

The planets are aligned with Jason's favorite day...

-Whoo! -...which is today.

The Shudder calendar is somewhat aligned,

and it's like everything was meant to be magically

at this moment, exactly as it should be,

when we do a Christmas special and we've got the right movie

and the right theme, and it's on Friday the 13th,

and you know what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm going to say, Darcy.

-The meaning of the headpiece candles?

-We are going to Finland! We are finally doing it.

We're going to the country where Santa Claus lives.

Or as they call him in Europe, "Father Christmas."

-All right.

So, I know that the movie is from Finland,

but why is this important?

-Because the Finns are the only people who believe

that Father Christmas is a villain and a killer.

-Because of this movie?

-No,

because of the ancient Finnish legends about the joulupukki.

-The what now? -The goat headman.

The joulupukki, the goat head man.

He comes to your house on Christmas Eve

and he stuffs naughty children into a burlap bag,

and he carries them away,

never to be seen again because he's boiling them in oil.

He's like Krampus, only scarier.

Sometimes the town will erect a giant goat headman

in the public square

to celebrate the arrival of the holiday-season

child kidnapper.

-I feel like probably not everyone in Finland does that.

-The Finns are gloomy people, Darcy.

They are not happy at Christmastime.

-I'm sure the Finns are like people everywhere.

-Nope! Gloomy.

It's not pleasant in Helsinki in December,

not to mention at the Korvatunturi in December,

which is 1,400 kilometers north of Helsinki

on the border with Russia.

And actually the first scene of this movie

tonight takes place at the Korvatunturi.

-You want to tell us what that is?

-The Korvatunturi, Darcy, is what's called a "fell,"

or a mountain that is completely barren

and inside that barren mountain coated with thick layers of ice

in the winter months, deep within that mountain,

is the residence and workshop of Santa Claus.

-Oh!

-Or, if we're in Finland, the joulupukki.

And tonight is December 13th.

So, do you know what time sunrise and sunset are

at the Korvantunturi on December the 13th?

-Of course. Everyone knows that.

-There is no sunrise or sunset because there is no sun.

-Well, all right. I want to go live there, then.

-All right.

We have entered the 26-day period where the sun disappears,

only to come back on January 4th for seven minutes.

And then the sun will gradually start to visit daily,

6 or 8 minutes of sunlight added each day,

until the Korvatunturi, the barren mountain,

becomes barely visible by February

and entirely visible by April.

This is the geographical landscape

of Santa Claus in Finland.

It's a place that cannot sustain life.

-Not even reindeer?

[ Laughter ]

-Great point.

-Thank you! -Great point, Darcy.

Yes, the migrating herds of reindeer

can survive there on lichen.

And to celebrate the reindeer of Finland,

actually, reindeer that are heavily featured

in the plot of tonight's movie,

I have prepared some reindeer appetizers.

-Oh, my God. First of all, please tell me,

please tell me that it's not real reindeer meat.

-It is. I mean, we couldn't get the good cuts

that they serve in the finer Helsinki restaurants,

but Stefan's Steakhouse,

that's the place where tourists go in Helsinki,

because, you know, it's your last day in Helsinki.

You're going, "Well, we're here.

Might as well try the reindeer meat."

But if you want the best sautéed reindeer

with the fried herring -- -That is so nasty.

-...you go to Salve on the harbor.

S-a-l-v-e -- Salve.

But meanwhile, there's another thing

that happens on December the 13th in Finland.

And that's why the candles.

-And?

-You are St. Lucia.

-I am the saint of candles on your head?

-No.

In Finland, every girl wants to be St. Lucia

on December the 13th.

They have a national election

to decide who gets to be St. Lucia

in the Helsinki Cathedral.

And that's followed by leading the St. Lucia parade

through the streets.

And then each city and town has its own St. Lucia,

and girls aspire to wear the white dress with the red sash

and the candelabra helmet. -All right.

Is that what we're officially calling this?

-Yeah, because St. Lucia is the opposite of the joulupukki.

Her job -- and this will be your job, Darcy --

because you have been elected the official St. Lucia

of Sanoia, Georgia, even though you're not even Finnish.

So, it's especially distinctive for you.

The job of St. Lucia is to spread cheer and comfort

and goodwill and happiness.

And why? Because there's no sun. The sun goes away.

So, you're the sun.

-Okay, but I am not a fan of the sun.

Do I have to be the sun?

-Darcy, this has nothing to do with skincare.

St. Lucia goes house to house, delivering food to the poor,

comforting unhappy children. If you want to go whole hog,

you do your rounds while riding on a donkey.

-Okay, I'll do that. -Okay, I'll get you a donkey.

It's Christmas. We'll spare no expense.

Rental donkeys -- I know we're in Coweta County.

I'm sure there are donkeys here.

-Oh, donkeys are so cute.

-And then during the rest of the month,

you will visit anywhere that's depressing,

like nursing homes, hospitals, prisons,

and you will cheer everybody up. -All right.

But I also fully don't understand

why I have candles on the head. -Darcy...

because you are bringing light where there's darkness.

You are a symbol of hope and better times to come.

-Okay, I'm down with that. Okay.

-Because, Darcy,

you're basically an optimistic person, right?

-Sure. -You're not gloomy?

-Um, I have -- I have ways to deal with gloomy.

-Is it a Finnish liqueur?

-I mean, it could be. I feel like you know my ways.

-I know you're prepared -- all right.

I know you're preferred defense against gloom.

-No gloom!

I would be a lot more optimistic right now and full of cheer

if you would introduce that movie for us.

-Good plan. Okay. -Yay!

-Our movie tonight is "Rare Exports."

And what we have here is the sensitive story

of Pietari, a Finnish boy, trying to convince his dad --

who is distracted

because the reindeer they depend on for their livelihood

have all been slaughtered --

to convince dad that a mine in a nearby mountain

is drilling into Santa Claus' tomb.

Why would Santa be buried under a mountain, you ask?

Because this is the enormous goat-face joulupukki

that the Sami people, the last reindeer herders in the world,

locked up in the mountain.

And basically, you know, this -- this joulupukkiguy,

he makes Krampus look like a pussy.

-[Gasps] How dare you!

-And he is about to get out. Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with Santa's elves as an army of grimy,

naked old men with their whangdoodles flopping

around in the snow?

I think not. -We have not!

-Let's take a look at those drive-in totals.

We have seven dead bodies,

one not-so-dead body, one dead pig, 433 dead reindeer,

198 naked Santa Clauses, multiple frigid whangdoodles,

hatchet to the skull, one 65-foot layer of sawdust,

one Santa Claus research montage,

full frontal El-Flagrante-Delicto-Elfo,

elf herding, elves in cages, child kidnapping,

potato-sack stealing,

attempted Santa's-Elf trafficking,

pit-trap construction,

reindeer roundup, advent-calendar stapling,

potato-sack stealing, Santa defrosting,

gratuitous gingerbread, ear rolls.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations

for Jonathan Hutchings as the businessman

who finances the dig to find Santa, for saying,

"This mountain is like a giant icebox."

Rauno Juvonen for making the mistake

of offering gingerbread to Santa's helper,

and for saying, "Just think what he could be worth,

the original, real Santa Claus."

Jorma Tommila as the dad for telling his heroic boy,

"You're quite a man", and for saying,

"Have a merry Christmas and a happy, bloody New Year."

And Onni Tommila, the kid, for being a local badass

and for saying, "It's either me or Santa. I suggest Santa."

Three stars -- Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

Now...is this cultural expropriation

what we're doing here?

-What do you mean?

-I mean, are we taking symbols and traditions

that are sacred to the Finnish people

and using them for our own purposes?

-I feel like that's exactly what we're doing, yeah.

-Well, I'm actually okay with that,

although I suppose we could go to the Upper Peninsula

of Michigan and ask the people there

if they mind us doing this.

-Why?

-Because the Upper Peninsula of Michigan

is the only place in America

where Finns make up a majority of the population.

-Are they gloomy?

-I've never been there, but I think they are gloomy, actually.

-Why?

-Well, Hemingway wrote about that area, and he was gloomy.

-Was he Finnish?

-No.

But if you swim with Finns, you know what they say.

-I don't, and I don't think you do, either.

-Actually, I don't. -Okay.

-But what I know is they are serious people, Darcy.

They do not tell fart jokes.

[Laughter]

-Welcome to the Yuki Yuletide Network,

your nonprofit destination for unbridled Christmas joy.

All through the night,

we'll be auctioning off screen-used props,

experiences, and unique gifts

that's sure to bring a smile to the mutants in your life.

And, as always, the proceeds go to charity.

In addition to tonight's auction items,

you can receive event-exclusive merchandise from Fright Rags

for donating at set amounts.

For a donation of $50, you will receive a Joe Bob's

"Christmas Carnage" T-shirt.

For a donation of $100, you will receive the T-shirt

and this unique "The Last Drive" towel

featuring Darcy and Joe Bob.

And for a donation of $150, you will get the T-shirt, towel,

and tonight's very special item, the Joe Bob Briggs Ugly Sweater.

This fashionable pullover sweater is based on one

of Joe Bob's classic Western looks,

featuring a bolo design on the front

and Joe Bob's signature on the back.

To donate or bid, go to JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

All proceeds will go to tonight's worthy charity.

The Yuki Yuletide Network,

celebrating the reason for this season --

blood, brass, and the Baby Jesus.

♪

♪

-This is what's been worrying me.

Drilling sample number 76, from 1,300 foot.

See, we finally found something else than just

plain rocks and dirt.

Have a look for yourself, sir.

♪

♪

Sawdust.

See, at first I thought we'd drilled into some old tree

or something, but no.

This level of sawdust is 65 foot thick.

I mean, it doesn't add up.

It doesn't make sense.

-It does.

In the olden days, people used to store ice

by encasing it in sawdust.

-Yeah, but what do you mean? What are you trying to say?

-This mountain is like a giant icebox.

-For storing what?

-Drill deep and you will see.

-Well, I am. They're drilling as we speak.

[Machine creaking]

-Make sure everyone has one of these.

-What are these?

-It's the new safety instructions.

-Wash behind the ears?

This is funny shit.

-Watch your mouth!

It's Christmastime, so let's act like it.

-[Speaking Finnish]

-Shh!

[Machines thunking]

-Sample number 98.

I think you were right.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

-Always believe.

Always.

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

Gentlemen, listen up.

My dream since my early childhood

is about to come true.

♪

I can proudly say

that we are standing on a sacred grave,

on the biggest burial mound in the world.

-[Speaking Finnish]

-This remarkable place puts even the pyramids to shame.

It took the Sami people of Lapland centuries

to build this mound.

You have 24 days to open it.

Roll up your sleeves.

Prepare the dynamite.

Do what you do best.

You have a grave to rob.

[Crow cawing]

-[Panting]

[Booming]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Children laughing, screaming]

♪

♪

♪

[Children crying]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Explosion]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Wolves howling in distance]

♪

[Wind blowing]

[Thud]

-[Gasps]

[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Banging on door]

[Bird squawking]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Banging]

[Men shouting, cheering]

♪

[Cheering, laughter]

♪

-[Giggles]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Engine starts]

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-[Sniffles]

[Rifle cocks, fires]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

[Rifle clicks]

[Rifle clicks]

[Faint radio noises]

[Static crackling]

[Radio noise continues]

[Clattering]

[Wind howling]

[Rattling]

[Radio noise continues]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs.

This is "Joe Bob's Christmas Carnage."

And like any good Christmas movie,

this is one

where the kids always know more than the adults.

But just in these first sequences,

director Jalmari Helander has evoked a whole culture

and a way of life

that I would guess most people have never seen before,

even if they live in Finland.

Reindeer herding is such a specialized form

of animal husbandry

that 90% of the people who do it are from one ethnic group,

a tribe actually called the Sami.

And they're so respected by the Scandinavian countries

that they're allowed to cross the borders

of Norway and Sweden and Finland

without a passport or even a checkpoint,

so they can follow the traditional migration

patterns of the reindeer.

They cannot, however, cross the Russian border,

And Korvatunturi, the mountain

where Santa was buried, is right on that border

between the two countries.

One other factoid

that will make the movie more fun to watch is Pietari,

the main kid, the protagonist of the story,

is the real-life son of his father in the movie,

the great Finnish actor Jorma Tormilla,

and Jorma Tormilla

is married to the sister of the director,

Jalmari Helander.

And I can't say any of these names,

but the Finnish indie film industry is very small.

So, also, now,

welcome to the 2024 "Last Drive-In" Christmas auction,

which begins now.

And as you turkeys should know by now, we do this every year.

We raise money for four charities each year.

And those charities always represent the stable

in Bethlehem, where the first Christmas happened.

So, we have a women's charity for Mary, the mom.

We have a children's charity for the baby Jesus.

We have an animal charity because it's a stable,

and we have a charity for the dispossessed

or the outcasts of the world,

because everybody involved in the Christmas story

was involved in a struggle for survival.

So, Christmas is about bringing hope into the world,

and we choose our charities with that in mind.

So, our women's charity for this year's auction

is the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Now, for the past 31 years,

this organization has had one goal --

to end breast cancer forever. And to do that,

they provide resources for the most brilliant scientific

and medical minds in the world to do the kind of basic research

that allows them to look for solutions

that nobody else has thought of.

Our children's charity this year

is the Children of Fallen Patriots Foundation.

When a service member dies in the line of duty,

this organization steps up to make sure his

or her children get a fully paid college scholarship.

Our animal charity is the Pacific Marine Mammal Center,

which rescues and rehabilitates sea lions and seals

that are suffering from disease or malnutrition or injuries.

They get injured a lot in the Pacific.

And our charity for the suffering

is called Family Promise.

And what they have done for the past 30 years

is take in entire families that are homeless,

and they get them set up with affordable housing and jobs

so that both the parents and the children can have a stable life.

So, when you buy something through "The Last Drive-In"

Christmas auction, you're not just making us happy,

you're making the world a happier place,

and you're doing what you're supposed to do all year.

But we do it at Christmas to remind ourselves

of how we're all interconnected.

Okay, Darcy, or I should say St. Lucia,

have you been spreading good vibes and happiness

around the set?

-I have, right?

I spread happiness in the makeup room,

and then I spread happiness in my dressing room,

so happy back there.

And then I spread some happiness in the break room.

-Okay, well, you know why we don't know more about the Finns?

-Um, are we changing the subject now?

-Yeah. -Okay.

It's because the Finns were one of the first

immigrant groups, way back in the 17th century.

So, we don't remember.

but there's this place in New Jersey

where they say they have the oldest wooden structure

in North America that's still standing.

It's a house called the Nothnagle House,

and it was built by this Finnish guy in 1638.

And I don't know whether Nothnagle is a Finnish name

or not. I don't think it is.

But anyway, one time I drove by there

to see the Nothnagle House.

And it's privately owned,

and the owner happened to be there, and he invited me inside.

And damn, those Finns can do construction.

That thing is solid as a rock!

Well, coming up on 400 years, I was inside the house.

It's amazing.

So, the Finns have been here a long time,

but somehow they didn't bring Goat Head Santa Claus with them.

They just left it over in Lapland.

-I'm going to vote. That was a yes.

-Okay. -To changing the subject.

-Yes, it was. We're starting on a whole new subject.

But the spirit,

the subject, or the real subject, is Christmas

and the Christmas spirit

and the joy we take from a fictional Santa Claus

who's about to rise up from a deep grave

and cause mischief among the workers from Rovaniemi,

which is the only big town up there where this movie is made.

It's the capital of Lapland, where they have,

well, they have this place called Santa Claus Village,

with live reindeer and lots of frisky elves.

-I mean, this is not sounding gloomy to me.

-Well, it's not gloomy,

but they just do that for tourists, you know?

They have 600,000 tourists a year,

and they tell them that Santa lives there,

but he really lives seven hours to the north of there,

on this bad road that you have to pass through Russia

to get to the mountain.

So, nobody sane would go up there in the first place.

-Are you telling me that they lie about where Santa lives?

-They do lie about where Santa lives

for the sake of the children, though, Darcy,

because I mean, well, what city is going to bill itself

as the city close to where Santa lives?

You know? -Okay, fair.

-So, anyway, uh, reindeer canapé?

-Oh, my God, no.

-Okay, this might be your only chance.

-I am so good. Please stop. -All right.

Back to the movie. They are delicious, though.

-Stop. -Only 7% fat.

Very lean meat product.

And it doesn't have that gamey taste

like squirrel, you know?

-You eat squirrel, too? -No, I outgrew squirrel.

But, I mean, squirrels are the only animal

you can kill with a BB gun.

So, kids eat squirrels. You have to.

What does your dad always say?

What does your dad say? If you have a gun?

-I don't know. I can't imagine.

-"We only kill what we eat."

If you kill it, you have to eat it.

-Oh, so you ate a lot of squirrel when you were a kid?

-Well, I ate some squirrel.

I threw a lot of dead squirrels into the Arkansas River.

But, uh... -You're just awful, awful.

-No, it's not awful.

I mean, the alligator would nibble on them

until they look like somebody threw dirty underwear

into a ripped-up dish towel.

And then they kind of float down through the locks,

and they wash up in the Mississippi Delta.

-So...

-I feel like that's enough about squirrels.

-It is enough about squirrels. I agree with you, Darcy.

[Laughter]

-Welcome back to the Yuki Yuletide Network.

The next auction item took at least two parallel universes

to create. This handsome,

mounted, scary rabbit hat is ready to display

in your hunting den or living room.

This dreaded creature was last seen

on the "Donnie Darko" episode of the show,

when Darcy used a dangerous Frisbee to get a clean kill.

Joy to the world.

Impress your friends at your next backyard tiki party,

or just drink away your sorrows in style

with a set of six custom rocks glasses,

each with "The Last Drive-In" logo printed on the side.

These glasses have only ever been sold at special events

and will not be on sale again.

To bid on tonight's items, go to JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Sniffles]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-This is Subzero One.

-Oh, finally.

We've tried contacting you a thousand times.

Where are you?

-We are landing tomorrow.

Is the cargo ready?

-No!

We have to cancel the whole operation.

It's not what you think.

-I repeat, is the cargo ready?

-Cargo? Don't you understand?

It still has a pulse!

-Calm down, Mr. Greene.

Just follow the safety instructions.

-Fuck your safety instructions!

[Clattering in distance]

What the fuck?

♪

[Man talking on radio in background]

[Radio continues]

[Wind howling]

-[Yells]

-[Panting]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Metal rattling]

[Door creaks, shuts]

[Groaning]

[Urinating]

[Thud]

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Rifle cocks]

♪

[Zips pants]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

-[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Oh, jingle... [Music stops]

-I think this may be the only movie I've ever seen

that has zero women in it.

I mean, there's that very brief mention of Pietari's mom

when they're eating the gingerbread, but that's it.

And we don't know what happened.

I think we can assume the mom is dead.

But then there's that moment where Pietari says,

"What if I disappeared?", because he knows

that A -- they already dug up Santa,

and B -- Santa is a serial killer of children,

and his dad, as dads will do,

simply dodged that question.

If you're a kid in Finland,

Santa doesn't come in the middle of the night like in the U.S.

Santa actually knocks on your door on Christmas Eve,

and when you open the door,

he says, "Are there any well-behaved children here?"

So -- So think about that.

That question has to be addressed.

Not to you, but to your parents.

Your parents can sell you down the river at any moment.

They can tell Santa you're not well behaved

and you end up in a burlap sack headed for a woodchipper.

You know, that's a lot more frightening than a Santa

who just leaves lumps of coal in your stocking.

And this is the nice Finnish Santa.

This is the one that's been watered down from the times

when Santa would boil bad kids in oil.

You know, they obviously love Christmas in Finland.

Um, you know,

how else do you get Santa knocking on the doors

of every kid's house?

That's a huge cast.

You got to recruit people for that.

Plus, all year long, the kids are warned

that they're being constantly watched by Santa's elves,

and then they're kind of forced into writing a letter to Santa.

That's required.

And meanwhile,

the adults are participating in a tradition called Pikkujoulut,

which means hitting the streets and drinking until you pass out.

-Pikkujoulut. -But to me,

the strangest of all Finnish Christmas traditions

is what everybody does on Christmas Eve morning.

They turn on the national TV channel

and they watch Santa Claus talk to kids on the phone.

It's called the Santa Claus Hotline,

and it's live from Rovaniemi, the capital of Lapland.

And of course, every kid tries to get online,

but only a handful get through.

And then the coolest of all Finnish Christmas traditions

is what they call joulurauha,

which translates as Christmas peace.

They have a ceremony in Turku, the oldest city in Finland,

to declare December 25th a day of peace.

And in the event that the Finnish military

is engaged in any kind of conflict anywhere in the world,

they stop fighting.

And, you know,

and I've only -- I've really only

scratched the surface with my survey

of Finnish Christmas traditions, Lucia.

And I haven't even told you about the rice porridge.

-Ooh, that sounds good, actually.

-Yeah. I mean, it may be the only vegan thing

that they do over there.

Uh, you hide an almond in the porridge,

and whoever gets the almond will be lucky next year.

-I like that. Let's do that one.

-All right.

There's a lot of cuteness going on over there

because it's cold and it's dark, so you got to be cute.

-But are they used to it being cold and dark?

-Yeah, they are totally used to it.

But that's also why they're gloomy, though.

I mean, their default emotion is gloom.

Has anybody even smiled in this whole movie?

-They don't smile in Europe.

-That's true. Why don't they smile in Europe?

It's true. They never smile in Europe.

-And they think Americans are stupid

because we smile so frickin much.

-I've heard that. -I have, too.

-Well, most of us in America were never Vikings.

I mean, we never wore tunics or carried maces or whatever.

You know.

They say, "You're such a young country."

They always say that. What does that mean?

Why does that matter?

That's like saying, "Damn teenagers."

You know, that's like institutional old fart language.

Anyway, they're about to check his body.

Check this body that they just found.

So let's see what happens as we get back to "Rare Exports".

Roll the flick.

-So, can I take this off now? -Your candelabra helmet?

Darcy, I don't think you should take that off until January.

-Okay. It's coming off then.

-You know, it's too bad you can't go into a Helsinki bar

tonight dressed like that, because --

-Why is that? -Because all the men

would buy you free drinks. -What?

Aren't I supposed to be, like, a real saint?

-Yeah, and that's what would turn them on.

They would want to corrupt you. -Oh, I am already corrupted.

-Oh, that is crazy talk, Lucia.

I mean, you are the angel of nice.

You are not corrupt in any way.

-What more can they do at this point?

Let's be honest. -Don't make me start, I...

I'll start St. Lucia impeachment proceedings

if you keep that up.

-They have that? I can be un-sainted?

-Yeah. -Oh.

Okay, I won't do that.

-The Yuki Yuletide Network.

Your destination for last minute gifts

for the horror hound in your life.

Tonight's next charity item is a customized

Darcy bat, barb wired up just like the infamous Lucille bat

used by Negan on "The Walking Dead".

This screen-used bat was wielded by Darcy when she and Joe Bob

featured "The Walking Dead" pilot on the show.

Bring home the Christmas Magic today

with his hyper violent zombie slugger.

Stuff your stocking with the 4-in-1 snack

super stack!

The Sky Bar Gift Set is the ultimate gift

for niche candy bar lovers everywhere.

It includes a Sky Bar ball cap, two Sky Bar mugs,

a Sky Bar T-shirt sized XL,

a bottle of 92-proof Litchfield Bourbon Whiskey,

a Sky Bar keychain, and of course,

a box of Sky Bars for you and your family to enjoy.

The gift box will be autographed by Joe Bob,

Darcy, and Mr. Sky Bar himself.

To bid on tonight's items, go to JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

[Machine whirring]

[Whirring stops]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Pietari.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Solemn music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Stifled gag]

♪

[Whispers] Hello?

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Gasps weakly]

-Hmm?

-[Muttering]

[Vehicle approaching]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

-How do you like the land of the Northern Lights?

♪

[Speaking Finnish]

♪

[Rifle clicks]

♪

♪

-Wake up, Grandpa.

We need money.

[Line disconnects]

[Receiver clatters]

[Suspenseful music plays]

-Where are your friends?

-What did you dig inside the mountain?

-We keep you here till somebody pay.

[Rifle clicks]

Last chance, asshole.

Rauno here will ask the next question,

and he don't speak English.

[Knocking on door]

♪

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

-Down! Down, boy!

Go down!

[Gunshot]

[All crunching]

[Chain creaking]

[Solemn music plays]

♪

[Radio crackling]

-This is Subzero One, do you read me?

-Mr. Greene, is everything okay?

We are landing in 30 minutes.

-Mr. Greene, is Santa ready to fly?

-Shh, shh!

♪

Rauno from Finland.

♪

♪

We have Santa Claus.

-Who is this?

Where is Mr. Greene?

-So at this point,

these men who have studied the habits of reindeer

all their lives are pretty sure they have Santa Claus

because of his acute sense of smell.

Whenever a child is around, in this case, Pietari,

the strange old man perks up like the reindeer do

when they smell food under the snow.

Because reindeer never dig in the snow

unless there's food down there.

They know in advance that there's food there.

But these men of nature, these mountain men, they know,

or it's slowly dawning on them

that children, for this guy, are food.

So of course the Americans want him.

They probably have some nefarious plan

to harness the child destroying power of Santa Claus

and use it for profit.

It's like putting a tax on Christmas.

"You want this to be a merry Christmas?

Pay up or we let him out", you know.

You know, you see this in a lot of European movies.

Why is that corporation evil?

Because it's an American corporation.

Europe has a really strange view of the American mind

and the American culture,

and that they think we're shallow, shortsighted,

always greedy, always contemptuous of others.

And yet we control the levers of the universe.

So we're always doing things

that impact all the other people in the world in a horrific way.

Um, for example, in Finland,

they talk about the quote, "Coca-Cola Santa Claus".

That's a phrase that they use in Finland.

That's a way of saying that that jolly, corpulent,

red suited, rosy cheeked, gift giving Santa Claus,

that was invented by Coca-Cola for advertising purposes.

It's a myth. It's not true.

And yet the director of this movie himself

uses the phrase all the time when he gives interviews.

He says his movie is an answer

to the Coca-Cola Santa Clause.

And many otherwise sane journalists

have repeated that on the internet

after interviewing this guy.

"The rosy cheeked Santa was created by Coke in 1931."

They even actually give the date of when it was invented.

But the poem "The Night Before Christmas",

which I would think everybody is familiar with,

you know, even if English is not your first language,

that poem is pretty much the same Santa

that appears in the Coca-Cola ads of the 1930's,

but the poem was written in 1822 and published in 1823.

So 110 years earlier,

Clement Clarke Moore was a professor

at, um, General Theological Seminary in New York City,

and he wrote the poem for his children.

So why would everybody in Finland believe

that Coke invented the modern Santa?

Because those famous drawings of the jolly fat Santa

that Coke used in the '30s were created by a Finn.

[Laughter]

Haddon Sundblom. Haddon Sundblom.

[Laughs] What a name -True.

-He was... [Laughs]

He was born to a Swedish mother and a father from Finland

in that part of Michigan that I talked about earlier

where all the Finnish immigrants settled.

Okay.

All right, quick digression

because I want to talk about this.

-It's way too late for that. -All right.

Most of the Finns who immigrated to the United States

between 1870 and 1930, they were not like the other countries.

They were not doing it because of any hardship in Finland.

Everybody was just fine in Finland.

They had the idea that you could move to the U.S.,

get rich, and then go back home 10 years later.

And there were resettlement agencies

that promoted this myth and sold passages on ships

and created these waves of Finnish immigration,

which were easier to arrange than, say, Italian immigration,

because the Finns had ancestors who had been in America

since the early 17th century.

You know, the ones who came over right after the pilgrims.

Anyway, Haddon Sundblom was born

into one of these upwardly mobile families.

They were Swedish speakers, but they were from Finland.

And he graduated from the American Academy of Art.

And it's true, beginning in 1931,

he created this series of ads and billboards

for Coke that were popular, and they were everywhere.

And they featured Santa Claus as this robust,

jolly, Coke drinking guy.

But the basis of his image for Santa

was the Clement Clarke Moore poem

that was written 110 years earlier,

and Sundblom also created Sprite Boy for Coke.

But nobody remembers Sprite Boy,

but everybody remembers Santa.

Uh, just like today,

Coke is known for its Coke drinking polar bear, right?

-Yeah. -That's Ken Stuart.

Ken Stuart was the digital artist who created that ad.

Um, anyway,

this issue is apparently so important to the people

of Finland that director Jalmari Helander

could declare that "Rare Exports" is a campaign

to destroy Coca-Cola Santa Claus.

And most people in Finland would go,

"Yeah, it's about time.

About time. They did that."

But nobody blames Clement Clarke Moore.

You know, in fact, the General Theological Seminary,

where "The Night Before Christmas" was written,

still stands on West 21st Street in Manhattan.

It takes up a whole city block

in the fashionable Chelsea neighborhood.

But I don't even think they have a plaque up for the guy.

You know, I've never met anybody who actually attended

or taught at the General Theological Seminary,

and I've spent a lot of time in New York City.

And the reason is that they only have about 50 students

at any given time.

The thing is huge. Huge.

So they have 50 students studying

to be Episcopal priests,

and they have six professors.

That must be the most comfortable campus in the world,

because the faculty and students

have that huge place all to themselves.

Anyway, sorry St. Lucia,

I got kind of carried away with that right as they were making

the decision to hold Santa Claus for ransom.

So, back to the movie. -Yeah, you did.

-See, I got back to where we were supposed to be.

Did you ever see Sprite Boy?

-Uh, he was before my time.

-He was before everybody's time.

But Sprite Boy looked like --

He looked like he was about 10 years old.

And he had those big surprise saucer eyes,

like somebody just goosed him with a cattle prod,

and he had a swirl of white hair.

Kind of like the hair on Bob's Big Boy.

If you remember that statue that used to stand out

in front of diners, you know?

And Sprite Boy's hat.

This is the best part. His hat was a Coke bottle cap.

This giant Coke bottle cap.

I think they were trying to let you know

that Sprite was part of Coke.

-Why would they do that? -I have no idea.

Because if you're selling Sprite,

why would you want people to think of Coke?

But Sprite Boy was scary as fuck is my point.

I mean, he looked like he was on coke.

Those eyes looked like he was grooving on the third day

of a cocaine trip.

Look up sprite boy some time.

It's terrifying.

-Oh, everyone's Googling Sprite Boy right now,

and I want those pictures, please.

-Well, I'm warning you, once you see Sprite Boy,

you can't unsee Sprite Boy. -I'm going to see him right now.

-Welcome back to the Yuki Yuletide Network's

charity auction.

Let's see what's in Santa's bag this time.

Attention, bookworms.

We are auctioning off a gargantuan set

of horror film novelizations,

including such horror heavyweights as "Fright Night",

"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", "Squirm", "The Barn", "Vamp",

and a novelization of "Hardcore"

based on the film featuring George C. Scott.

There are many more titles as well,

so check the listing on the auction site

for details on titles and autographs.

And now for another piece of history.

Originally distributed as a crew gift

and rare promotional item for Joe Bob's very first show,

this bolo tie is the last one left

from Joe Bob's personal collection.

Add it to your Western jewelry repertoire this holiday season.

To bid on tonight's items, go to JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

[Helicopter blades whirring in distance]

-Who are you? Where are my men?

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-Yeah, yeah, we are men.

Let's do business.

-Business? What kind of business?

What do you want?

-$85,000.

-Hey.

Where is the cargo?

♪

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Shh.

Put down your weapons and smile

as nice as you can.

And move slowly and do exactly as I say.

-This is not Santa.

-What?

-It's one of Santa's little helpers.

-Goddamn it.

Santa is going to find out

who is naughty or nice.

-[Man screaming]

[Suspenseful music plays]

-They're protecting their master.

[Thud]

[Gunfire]

[Heartbeat]

[Water trickling]

[Heartbeat continues]

[Muffled whimpering]

[Children crying]

♪

-[Shouting]

[Cracking]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Wind howling]

♪

[Gunshot]

[Triumphant music plays]

♪

-When a 10-year-old boy says, "Somebody's going to die.

Either me or Santa.

I suggest Santa",

that -- that is the turning point of the movie

when Pietari becomes the badass

we kind of knew he was.

Onni Tommila, that young boy, would later star

in another Jalmari Helander movie called "Big Game",

with Samuel L. Jackson as the president,

who ends up in the mountains of northern Finland

after Air Force One crashes there,

and Onni helps him fight psychotic big game hunters.

And his father, Jorma Tommila,

his father in the movie and in real life

would also star in another Jalmari Helander movie, "Sisu",

which is a World War II movie about Nazis

trying to steal gold as they retreat from Finland.

And "Sisu", they call that the Finnish Rambo.

And it's the movie when Jalmari Helander

got to fully realize his ambition

of being a great action director,

because his favorite movie is "Die Hard".

Um, "Rare Exports" is not an action movie,

but it ends with a thrilling action sequence

that is unique and uplifting,

and it's what makes this ultimately

a great Christmas movie.

So let's watch it now as we move

toward the totally unpredictable conclusion of "Rare Exports".

Roll it.

What they do in Finland really

is they kind of combine Christmas and Halloween

into one holiday,

like the tradition of putting the tinsel

on the Christmas tree.

The tinsel is originally spider webs, so...

-Ooh, I like that. -And not to mention

the traditions of threatening to kidnap everybody's children

and beating kids with branches until they bleed.

And the giant Christmas goat man who lives in the mountain,

plus the dead are said to walk the earth on Christmas Eve.

And cattle speak in human voices that night.

And so all this is Halloween type stuff.

-I really love that. -And I knew you would.

And of course,

you already celebrate Halloween starting on July 5th.

-Yes. -So if you lived in Finland,

you could have continuous Halloween

from July 5th to January 13th. -Why the 13th?

-[Laughs] Because that's Saint Knut's Day

when the Christmas celebrations are winding down.

And it's also the week the sun starts coming back,

so they're happy.

And the young men of Finland

dress up in elaborate goat costumes,

and they roam from house to house,

demanding all the leftover food and drink from the holidays.

Mostly the drink.

And if you don't give it to them, they wreck your house.

So they're known as the Nuuttipukki,

and they mostly demand the leftover liquor.

So anyway, uh, you get seven months of Halloween in Finland.

-That's amazing.

But you also get a lot of drunks terrorizing the neighborhood.

-Exactly.

Finnish alcoholics in goat costumes, scaring the children.

-I feel like I'm okay with this.

[Laughter]

-The Yuki Yuletide Network.

It's no secret that Darcy adores the immortal art

of professional wrestling.

And if you do, too, then this next experience is for you.

You can bid on the chance to join her

and Joe Bob for an AEW Experience

where they will take two people out to a live AEW event

to cheer for bloodshed and redemption right by the ring.

Visit the auction listing for more details

about this all elite experience.

Get ready to feel the burn and feel the pump.

You can now bid on Joe Bob's muscle building miracle,

the powerful vibration plate

he showed off during the "Death Spa" episode.

-[Speaks indistinctly]

-Are you okay? Do you need to step away?

-But to get a true full-body workout,

you'll also need Joe Bob's trusty arm thingy,

which is sure to get jealous stares at the gym.

Give the gift of fitness this holiday season for charity.

Bid online now at JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

[Wind howling]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-[Sniffs]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Rapid beeping]

[Beeping stops]

-Ready for takeoff.

[Dramatic music plays]

[Children crying]

[Helicopter blades whirring]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Chainsaw revving]

♪

[Revving continues]

♪

[Helicopter blades whirring]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Cheering]

♪

[Chainsaw revving]

-[Grunting]

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Electricity crackling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Laughing]

-Light up the Northern Lights.

[Laughing continues]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Whispering indistinctly]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Water running]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Wow. six minutes of credits.

[Laughter]

Helander obviously had a lot of help

making this low budget Jim.

Um, my favorite production story is the casting of the old men

who played the elves.

Um, they just went into one of the villages,

and they asked random men if they would be in the movie

and be totally nude in the movie.

Full frontal.

And almost 100% of them said, "Yeah, sure,

we want to do it."

And they were sort of fascinated by the idea.

Now, the problem with filming senior citizens naked

on the tundra is that you can only shoot

for 40 seconds at a time.

Any more than that, and you risk hypothermia.

So Helander would bring them out, shoot 40 seconds,

and then send them back into a little Quonset hut.

It was called the Elf Box, and it had heaters and coffee,

and the men would play cards

until they were totally restored to normalcy.

And then they would go out

and do another 40 seconds of filming.

What's funny, though,

is that the men would never put on clothes

while playing cards.

They just stayed naked through the whole process,

and I attribute that actually to the Finnish sauna culture.

You know how big saunas are in Finland?

Everybody in Finland goes to saunas all the time,

and in Finnish saunas you stay naked

the whole time you're there.

Anyway, "Rare Exports" was a surprise hit

at several film festivals

back in 2010, and ended up being seen all over the world,

and the success of Helander

inspired other filmmakers from the Scandinavian countries,

to the point that now there is a genre called Nordsploitation.

Um, "The Innocence", a Norwegian thriller

about kids with supernatural powers.

Uh, "Hatching" body horror film from Finland.

Uh, "Speak No Evil", uh, Danish psychological horror film.

These are all extremely well made films

just in the past three years.

And in Rovaniemi, the capital of Lapland,

the home of Santa Claus village, there has developed a new type

of crime TV series called Reindeer Noir.

Um, shows that use the unforgiving landscapes

of northern Finland to create this creepy atmosphere

where the Russian mafia makes appearances

and the police jet around on snowmobiles

and evil criminals use the remoteness of the area

to cloak their international crimes.

And so, you know, here's my question.

What would Ingmar Bergman think of all this? [Laughs]

-I feel like he'd love it.

Didn't Roger Corman say he loved it

when his movies were shown in all the Texas drive-ins?

-Actually he did.

That was one point that Roger Corman made.

And...so you're right.

-Okay, so speaking of Texas,

you're gonna want to take action on the mailbag tonight.

It's from Carole Amato of Shelton, Connecticut.

-Okay. I'm going to want to take action.

-You'll see. -"Hi, Joe Bob.

My husband and I are huge fans and proud Mutant Family members.

I am actually in the process of designing the next line

of Texas-themed lighters for BIC."

You can tell from the bottom of this thing,

she works at BIC

"And I thought of you.

Is there anything particular

you'd like to see showcased on a BIC lighter

that best represents this beautiful state?

Let me know.

Looking forward to seeing your next feature on Shudder.

Carol Amato, Shelton, Connecticut."

This is a cool thing, right? -Right.

-Is Shelton, Connecticut, where BIC is based?

-Uh, it's actually a French company,

but Shelton might be their U.S. headquarters.

-I know the founder of BIC was named Bich.

You know, but -- but I didn't know that was a French name.

-Anyway. -I think the founder

was named bitch.

-The founder was named bitch? Really?

-Yeah. -And they shortened it to Bich

for political correctness?

-Something like that. I promise you.

Look it up. -Well, uh, anyway,

what would I like to see on a BIC lighter that's Texas-themed?

Longhorn.

-No. Boring. It's, like, predictable.

-The actual Lone Star. -Boring.

-A chainsaw.

-Yes. Yes. Yes. -Okay. Uh.

Okay. -We solved it.

-Carol. Uh, a chainsaw.

You got to do it. -Yeah.

-Do it for the Mutant Family. -I will buy that lighter.

-I want to see that BIC lighter with a chainsaw.

And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs.

But don't go away, because we got lots more

Christmas carnage coming up in our second movie.

But right now, I'm speaking for myself and Darcy,

the mail girl, when I say it's lonely at the top,

but you eat better.

And the drive-in will never die.

-True. -Burglar breaks into a house

and shines his flashlight around looking for valuables,

and a voice in the dark says, "Jesus knows you're here."

And the burglar kind of jumps

and he clicks his flashlight off and he freezes.

But he didn't hear anything else.

So after a while, he continues his job,

and just as he's pulling the stereo out

to disconnect the wires on the stereo,

he hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you."

And he's startled and he looks around frantically

and he searches for the source of the voice.

And finally the flashlight beam comes to rest

in the corner of the room where he sees

it's a parrot.

And he says, "Did you say that?"

He says the parrot.

And the parrot says, "Yes, I'm just trying to warn you."

And the burglar relaxes and he says, "Warn me.

Who in the world are you?" And the bird says, "Moses."

And the burglar laughs, and he says,

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The parrot says, "The same kind of people

who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[Laughter] -Okay, okay.

-I thought that one would score.

-It kind of does. -I thought that one would --

All right. I thought that was going to kill.

Okay.

Um...guy's wife disappears in a kayaking accident in Maine.

A few days later, two Coast Guard officers

come to the guy's door,

and they say, "We're sorry, Mr. Grover,

But we have some information about your wife.

And the guy says, "Tell me, did you find her?"

And the officer says, "We have some bad news,

some good news, and some really great news."

And so Grover fears the worst.

So he says, "Okay, give me the bad news first."

The officer says, "I'm sorry to tell you

that this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

And the man breaks down in tears.

He's grieving.

And then he says,

"What could possibly be good news after that?"

"Well", says the officer,

"when we pulled her up,

she had 12 of the best looking lobsters

that you have ever seen clinging to her body.

We hadn't seen lobsters like that since the 60's,

and we feel you are entitled to a share of that catch."

And Grover says, "Well,

if that's the good news and what's the great news?"

The officer says, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[ Laughter ]

-You said this was Christmas related, though.

[Laughs] It's not.

-The Yuki Yuletide Network.

Come hang out with Joe Bob,

Darcy, and the whole "Last Drive-In" crew

during the filming of an episode of the show.

The auction winner will receive airfare and hotel

for their trip to the illustrious trailer park studio

to see how the magic is made.

Bid on your chance to witness the fun firsthand today.

And don't forget,

you can also donate to tonight's charities

to get event exclusive merch.

A Christmas Carnage T-shirt,

a limited edition "The Last Drive-In" beach towel,

and the Joe Bob Briggs Ugly Holiday sweater.

Don't miss your chance,

as these will not be available anywhere else.

To bid on tonight's items, go to JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.