Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly your sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along, boy, then snap! ♪

♪ Those eyes, those sighs, they're part of the tender trap ♪

♪ You're hand in hand beneath the trees ♪

♪ And soon there's music in the breeze ♪

♪ You're acting kind of smart, until your heart just goes wap! ♪

♪ Those trees, that breeze, they're part of the tender trap ♪

♪ Some starry night ♪

♪ When her kisses make you tingle ♪

♪ She'll hold you tight

♪ And you'll hate yourself for being single ♪

♪ And all at once it seems so nice ♪

♪ The folks are throwing shoes and rice ♪

♪ You hurry to a spot that's just a dot on the map ♪

♪ And then you wonder how it all came about ♪

♪ It's too late now there's no getting out ♪

♪ You fell in love ♪

♪ And love is the tender trap ♪

[scatting]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Mmm.

Is that the best you've got to say?

Mmm.

[chuckles] You could do better than that.

What do you want, a testimonial?

That would be nice.

[chuckles]

You know, I've been wanting to tell you something

for months now.

What?

You are the softest girl.

Huh, gee, thanks.

That's what every girl wants to hear.

[chuckles]

No, I mean it.

You're not flabby or anything like that.

Just nice and soft.

You know what I mean.

[chuckles]

Yes, I see what you mean.

[doorbell buzzes]

Who is that?

I'll be darned if I know,

but whoever it is, I don't want any.

[doorbell buzzes]

Uh-oh.

- Hmm, maybe I'd better... - Yeah.

- I'll just be a minute. - Don't lose the place.

Oh.

[doorbell buzzes]

- Joe! - Charlie!

[laughing]

Charlie: Well, I'll be-- Joe: How are you?

- How are you, Joe? How's Ethel? - [whistles]

Egads, it's good to see you, Joe.

How's everything in Indianapolis?

Hey, how about a drink? Still martinis?

- Same drink, same wife. - You got it.

Why didn't you let a fellow know you were coming, Joe?

- Didn't you get my telegram? - Nope. No wire.

That's funny, I sent one. Anyway, I'm staying with you.

Good. Welcome aboard, Joe.

- Wow. What a waterhole. - Yeah.

This is a far cry from the tree houses

you used to fall out of as a kid.

[Charlie laughs]

Do all theatrical agents in New York live like this?

How much money you making anyhow?

Almost as much as I'm spending.

Hey, how's everything at the old plant?

The Indiana Pharmaceutical Company

seems to be keeping its head above water.

Good. Well, let's drink up, buddy boy.

- Joe. - Charlie.

I'm glad to see success has not changed you.

You still make a lousy martini.

[laughing]

- Get out of there. - Hey, did I ask you?

- How's Ethel? - Ethel? Mm, she's okay.

And how about Charlie, my boy? How is he?

Well, I don't know.

Last week, we were thinking

we shouldn't have named him after you.

Hmm?

He fell out of a tree house.

Oh, my gosh. Did he get hurt?

- No, fell on his sister. - Oh, my gosh.

It's alright, Charlie. It was a very low tree house.

[sighs] Good.

What are you doing in New York? Business?

Well, not really. I've left Ethel.

You what? You left Ethel?

But, Joe, you can't be serious.

- Hello. - You walked out on her?

- Hello. - The mother of your children?

Sweetie.

The woman who gave you the best years of her life?

Sweetie, I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's almost 6:00.

It is? Oh, gee, that's a shame.

Oh, uh, Poppy Matson, Joe McCall.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Thanks for dropping by.

- Joe, you must be kidding. - I'll just tidy up a bit--

No, you don't have to do that. I'll take care of it myself.

- But don't you want me-- - No, I'll take care of it.

- And I'll give you a bell soon. - Tomorrow?

- No, not tomorrow but soon. - You call me.

- I will. - On the telephone.

- Soon? - Yes, very soon. Bye.

Oh, Charlie, did I tell you? My uncle caught the whitefish.

- What? - Don't you remember?

You told me how much you loved whitefish.

- He's sending one down. - Oh, yes, good, good.

- I'll call you when it arrives. - You do that.

And we'll have a wonderful dinner with...

with burgundy and candlelight

and a damask tablecloth and lemons.

Mm. I can hardly wait.

- Bye. - Bye.

Where the Sam Hill did she come from?

Never mind.

Now what is all this stuff about you leaving Ethel?

Ethel? Oh, I left her.

Charlie, that gorgeous girl, are there any more like that?

Forget the gorgeous girl, Joe,

and let's settle down and discuss this thing.

Why did you leave Ethel?

Oh, that was her suggestion.

It was nothing like you think.

Really?

What is it like, Joe?

- What's it like? - Hmm.

Well, it's like this.

Last week, we celebrated our 11th anniversary.

Oh, did you get my silver tray?

We got seven silver trays, but thanks.

Anyway, after everyone had gone, Ethel and I looked at each other

and Ethel said, uh, "Joe, I love you very, very much.

Why don't we take a vacation from each other?"

So I said, "Well, there's a little business

in New York I could take care of."

She said, "You do that.

See some shows, sponge off old Charlie

and then you come running back here

and chase me all over the house the way you used to."

- So... - Doggone.

I told you that Ethel was a smart girl. We'll drink to her.

- Charlie. - Joe.

- Ethel. - Ethel.

[doorbell buzzes]

[Charlie whistling]

- Hi, honey. Charlie: Oh, hi, Jessica.

- I'm a little busy right now-- - Oh, that's alright, darling.

I just happened to be down at the Washington Market today

and I ran right smack into this wonderful real Wisconsin Colby

and I knew you like it better than any other cheese

and so here it is.

I got a friend down at the market

who is gonna alert me the very minute

the first apples appear

and I'm keeping you in mind for a whole bushel of...

Well, how can you live in a place that looks like this?

Jessica, this is Joe McCall. Jessica Collins.

- How do you do, Mr. McCall? - Miss Collins.

Have you ever seen anyone keep a place in such disorder?

Well, I don't know what Mr. McCall will think.

Oh, now you two go on about your business

and don't you pay me no mind

and I'll have this place at least looking tidy.

Well, my goodness, here's a telegram

and it hasn't even been opened yet.

Somebody may have died or something.

Now what this place needs is a real thorough,

old-fashioned house cleaning.

A lick and a promise won't do. No, sir.

Thank you. Now have you seen those drapes?

Well, those drapes need a real thorough,

old-fashioned flogging and I'm gonna do it...

And that couch.

What have you been doing on that couch?

Uh, Jessica, I appreciate what you're doing, honey,

but not now, some other time.

Oh, you always say that.

No, really, I'll call you very soon.

- Well, don't forget now, hear? - I hear.

- Promise? - I promise.

- Bye now. - Goodbye, Mr. McCall.

Mmm.

Mmm, tiger.

Oh.

- Bye. - Bye.

Where am I?

Where do all these tomatoes come from?

Tomatoes?

How dare you call these girls tomatoes?

For your information, Mr. McCall,

Poppy is an important editor at Doubleday

and Jessica happens to be the buyer

for the largest chain of women's stores in the South.

Tomatoes indeed. [scoffs]

Charlie, I'd like to ask you something--

Hey, how about this? My friend Joe McCall

is coming to spend a couple of weeks with me.

Oh, I gotta shave. I got a date.

Tomatoes or no tomatoes, tell me one thing.

How come you rate with girls like that?

Because I'm big and strong and fat.

I don't think you're gonna beat my time

the way you did all the others.

Charlie, you're 35 years old.

You're not still brooding about the junior prom, are you?

You're darn right I am.

Three hundred girls in a line

and right at the head of the line is this

lovely, sweet absolute doll of a girl

smiling right at me.

All I've got to do is take three simple paces forward

and say, "May I have the pleasure of this dance?"

Not me.

Way down at the end of the line,

I spot this tall job,

the goofy one with the hot eyes.

And even from where I stand, I know this is trouble.

So what do I do? Of course.

I cut my way through a half mile of organdy

while you take the three simple paces forward.

You get Ethel and I get slapped with a paternity suit.

At least they cleared you.

Why shouldn't they? I never even laid a glove on her.

That's what Ethel said, from the beginning, Ethel said,

[sighs] "Charlie couldn't have done it."

- That's right. - "He hasn't got the know-how."

[telephone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, honey.

No, I-- I can't tonight.

No, not tomorrow night either.

No, no, no, the place is very clean, yeah.

Thanks for calling.

Yeah. Okay, I'll get back to you.

Bye.

Boy, what have you got?

It's not what I've got, Joe, it's what I haven't got. A wife.

- A wife? - Mm-hmm.

When I first came to New York,

I figured it'd be just like back home.

You know, meet a girl, take her to the movie,

send her some candy and flowers, romance her a little bit.

Well?

Not the way it works in New York.

They got a kind of an underground here.

As soon as a bachelor sets foot in this town,

the signals go out.

And even before you get your bag unpacked,

you're up to there in dames.

Look, it's wonderful. Plain joker like me,

I've got dames I haven't even called yet.

And it goes on like this all the time?

All the time.

And all you gotta be is a bachelor?

- Mm-hmm. - Pal, you really got it taped.

Mnh-mnh, not me. It's New York, Joe.

City's teeming with dames.

To tell you the truth, every once in a while,

I get a little bored with it.

Oh, I feel for you, pal.

You know what I mean.

Sure, it's fun, but let's face it.

You are the guy who's got it taped.

- Me? - Mm-hmm.

I would be happy to trade this rat race

for your setup in two seconds.

You come home in the evening, a pretty little house,

three kids run down the path yelling, "Daddy."

You go inside and there's Ethel in a cute little apron,

throws her arms around your neck

and gives you a big smack and says, "Joe--"

"Joe, we gotta have wall-to-wall carpeting."

Oh, now don't go knocking Ethel to me.

I'm not knocking her. Why, if it weren't for Ethel,

we wouldn't have wall-to-wall carpeting today.

Can you imagine that? People would be able to see

the floor around the edge of the rug.

And incidentally, the kids don't run down the path

to greet me when I come home at night.

They're too tired after a day of dancing lessons

and fencing lessons,

elocution lessons, eurhythmic lessons...

dramatic lessons, finger-painting lessons.

As a matter of fact, Ethel isn't home either.

The dog is taking her to obedience school.

Oh, come on, Joe. It can't always be like that.

No, no, it isn't always like that.

Sometimes at night after the kids are asleep,

it's nice and quiet, just the two of us alone.

I start a fire in the fireplace,

Ethel gets the good brandy out.

We push a couple of chairs together.

I squeeze her hand, she squeezes mine.

"Honey," I say.

"Darling," she says,

"Don't you think it's time Peter had braces on his teeth?"

[shower running]

One stinking kid left in the house without braces,

she can't stand it.

Charlie: I'm not even listening to you.

I can't believe that Ethel, little starry-eyed Ethel

with that angel's smile and the cutest little figure

in the entire Middle West...

Is it still?

Yup.

Now don't tell me that doesn't please you anymore, buddy.

It delights me.

After all, married 11 years,

I never even looked at another woman.

Are you thinking of looking now?

Certainly not. Why?

Well, when guys start telling me how many years they didn't,

I figure they're about ready to do.

And no matter what you say, I bet you were plenty happy

with your setup...

until you came in here and saw what I had fallen into.

Maybe you're right, pal. After all, 11 years.

Yeah, 11 wonderful years.

And don't forget that. Oh-oh.

What's the matter? Night shift coming on?

No, no, she isn't just one of the girls.

This is something special.

What's she got? Her own vacuum cleaner?

No, this one hardly cleans up at all.

Although she does straighten up a little.

I see. What is it with her?

Oh, she's really special.

You know, she used to play with Stokowski?

You mean as children? How old is she, anyway?

Oh, shut up.

You'll see Sylvia in a... Ah, here we come now.

[orchestra music on TV]

Which one of the gentlemen is Sylvia?

Oh, have you got a surprise coming.

Sylvia, Mr. Joe McCall. Joe, this is Miss Crewes.

Honored, Miss Crewes.

Poor dear, she can hardly wait to get here.

I guess I better hurry. It doesn't take Sylvia very long

to get over here from NBC.

[boom]

[doorbell buzzes]

[applause on TV]

What did they do? Shoot her out of the cannon?

[chuckles]

- Hello. - Hello.

Charlie: He's in the kitchen. Helen: I know.

[instrumental music]

Hey, hey.

Who's she?

I'm sorry, I can't introduce you, Joe.

I forget her last name. It's Helen something or other.

She...

I'll take good care of Joe. Come on, baby.

Thank you.

You named the dog after me. I'm touched.

She comes in and walks him twice a day.

One of these nights, I'm gonna have to take her to dinner.

That would be nice of you, sultan.

[instrumental music]

- Good evening, Miss Crewes. - Hello, George.

- All moved in, Mr. Loughran? - Yes, yes.

Everything except the piano and a couple of end tables.

[doorbell buzzes]

I got it.

Hi, baby.

This is a tuxedo?

- Well, we were just unpacking-- - Bye.

- This one is different. - She'll be back.

He tell you I'd be back?

Well, yes.

What's your name?

McCall.

Sylvia: Do you have a tuxedo, Mr. McCall?

Uh, well, as a matter of fact, I don't.

- Go and change, boy. - Five minutes, so help me.

Can I fix you a drink, Mr. McCall?

Please allow me.

Well, I've never heard such gallantry in this apartment.

Joe: Scotch? - Fine.

No tuxedo, hmm?

Tell me, you got a blue suit?

Yes, there's one right there on top, see?

- I see. - Water?

Sylvia: Please.

Oh, that's, uh, the wife and kids.

Oh, you're Joe McCall.

- I'm Sylvia Crewes. - Hello.

Thank you.

Uh, that dressing gown that Charlie sent Ethel

last Christmas, did it fit?

You bought that? I didn't think Charlie had that much taste.

Which one's Peter?

The one without the braces.

Of course, that was taken six months ago.

You know, Charlie makes very good use

of your family in his courtship.

- I use the term loosely. - How do you mean?

Well, whenever he gets a little misty,

he starts telling big lies about how one day

he'd like a nice little house and a nice little wife

and nice little kids just like good old Joe.

Did it ever occur to you that he might not be lying?

Mr. McCall, if it hadn't occurred to me,

I wouldn't be here.

Forty five seconds.

Charlie: I'll be right there. - You better be.

Oh, I saw you on television a little while ago.

Did you? Well, that's very sweet of you

considering that "Range Rider" was on the rival network.

I don't quite understand it.

You're a musician with an NBC Orchestra?

How did you get together with ol' tin-eared Charlie?

Oh, he's not such a tin ear.

I've been working on him. He's making fine progress.

- Charlie? - Mmm.

He just loves "Peter And The Wolf."

Listen.

[whistling]

[Charlie humming]

[laughs] See? That wasn't easy for him.

You know, Charlie tells me

that you go all the way back to fourth grade together.

Yeah, further than that. Kindergarten.

Oh?

What was he like then?

Mm, little.

[chuckling]

What did you do when you were a kid?

- Like when? - Oh, five to ten.

Played the fiddle.

- Ten to twenty? - Played the fiddle.

Twenty to...

- Say it. - Twenty eight?

Thank you very much. Played the fiddle.

And I guess I'll just keep on fiddling

until I die or get married, whichever comes first.

And there you are.

My, but don't you look pretty.

I'd ask you to go with us, Joe, but I don't want you.

I don't blame you.

If you get tired, that thing makes up into a bed.

And if you can't sleep, there's some Seconal

in the medicine cabinet.

If you have trouble staying awake,

there's some Benzedrine in there.

If you can't make up your mind, take one of each.

Oh, if you get hungry,

there's a nice new cheese in the refrigerator.

That's for getting ready so quick.

Who ever had it so good?

Not me.

- Don't wait up for me. Bye. - Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell buzzes]

- Oh. [chuckles] - Thank you.

Hello, uh, Helen.

Uh, I'm sorry, I don't know your last name.

Charlie forgot to introduce us, but, uh,

I'm his best friend.

As a matter of fact, uh, he's named after me.

Joe McCall's my name.

Um, hiya, namesake.

In your bed, Joe.

What's your hurry?

Let's have a drink.

No, thanks. I have dinner on the stove.

Well, let it stay. We'll go out for dinner.

- No, thanks. - W-- why not?

Mr. McCall, you're a married man.

Oh, Charlie told you, huh?

Well, as a matter of fact, he didn't.

You mean, you could tell just by looking at me?

Of course. Goodnight.

[piano music]

[feet tapping]

I wouldn't know. Is he any good?

He can't be. He's not one of our clients.

[chuckles]

Thank you very much. Who is next?

A Miss Gillis. Miss Gillis, please.

Watch this kid, Charlie. The office signed her last week.

Sayers: Alright, Miss Gillis.

Now do you mind telling us something about yourself?

You know, your background,

theatrical experience and so forth.

Don't be nervous, Miss Gillis.

Oh, well, I'm not at all nervous.

My name is Julie Gillis and I was born

right here in New York City.

I'm 22 years old.

Um, that is, I was 21 and a half a week ago, Wednesday,

but as soon as I pass the halfway mark,

I always say I'm a year older.

I know that most people wait until the last minute

to tack on another year, but I...

Well, maybe I am a little bit nervous.

Director: You go right ahead, Miss Gillis.

Tell us anything you want to.

Well, there isn't very much more to tell.

My only theatrical experience was this past June

at the senior class play at Briarwood.

We did "The Pirates Of Penzance."

And there was an agent there

and he gave me something to sign

and here I am.

Are you still there?

We're still here, Miss Gillis.

Now you, uh, sing or dance or just keep on talking.

I think I'd better sing. I talk too much.

I think I better take my glasses off.

She looks too good with these on.

Steady, buster.

I think this kid's got something, Eddie.

Bring her over to Bergie's. I'd like to talk to her.

- Okay, Charlie. - You two won't mind, will you?

Why should we mind? We'll be right there with you.

- Ciavelli? - Hmm?

How do you like that?

They hired Ciavelli as conductor of the "Summer Symphony."

Ciavelli? How do you like that?

It's shocking.

I don't say he's a bad violinist,

but conductor?

Why, it's ridiculous.

The bum never hit 300 in his whole life.

Sucker for an inside curve.

Well, he's good enough with the classics,

but what are they gonna do when they get past Brahms?

Probably have to put in a pinch hitter.

They wouldn't take a woman for the job.

Oh, no, of course not.

Makes it too tough in the locker room.

Very funny.

What did you two do for laughs before I came along?

[gibberish]

I'm sorry I asked.

Julie, this is Charlie Reader, our top talent man. Miss Gillis.

- Hello. - How do you do?

This is Miss Crewes, Mr. McCall.

- Sylvia and Joe. - Hello.

Two of my friends who have absolutely no talent.

I'll be seeing you later, Charlie.

- Goodbye, Eddie. - Bye.

- Thank you. - Can I get you a drink?

- Just coffee, thanks. - We have plenty of that.

- Sugar and cream? - Yes, please.

I can only stay a few minutes.

Well, I just wanted to tell you how impressed

we were with your singing this afternoon.

- Yes, you were lovely. - You were wonderful.

And I had a word with the producer, Sammy Sayers,

and he says it looks as though

you're just about set for the part.

Oh, good. Thank you.

Uh, this is your first, uh,

this is your first professional show, isn't it?

Yes.

Aren't you just a little bit excited

about breaking through for the first time out?

Oh, the theater's alright, but only temporarily.

You thinking of taking up something else?

Well, yes. Marriage, I hope.

Oh. Did you have any particular young man in mind?

Well, there are any number of young men,

but I haven't found mine yet.

Well, a pretty young thing like you shouldn't have much trouble.

Well, I certainly hope not.

I mean, a career is just fine,

but it's no substitute for marriage.

Don't you think so, Miss Crewes?

Miss Gillis, I think so.

Passionately, I think so.

Honestly, don't you think marriage is just the most

important thing in the world?

I mean, a woman isn't really a woman at all

until she's been married and had children.

And why? Because she's fulfilled.

- Isn't that right? - Right.

- You agree? - Of course, I do.

What red-blooded American boy doesn't?

This red-blooded American boy doesn't.

Why not?

Well, in order to be fulfilled, you have to have a man,

and it might be just possible that what fulfills you

might not fulfill him.

My man, it will.

You have his specifications?

Well, yes. I know everything except his blood type.

Uh, tell us about him.

You mean it?

Because this is something I could talk about all day.

You're on, Miss Gillis.

Well, the first thing I want in a man,

he's got to love children.

- How many you think you'd like? - Three.

- That's the magic number. - But not right away.

The first two years, we're going to live in New York.

I mean, we'll be young

and we'll wanna have lots of fun

and there's no better place to have fun

than New York, is there?

The children will come later.

But not in New York?

No, we'll move to the country for that.

Oh, probably, the first baby will be born in New York.

- At what hospital? - At Doctor's...

Oh, you're kidding me.

Never mind him. Tell us some more.

We really are interested.

- Fascinated. - [scoffs]

Look, I know this sounds crazy if you don't know me,

but people that know me think it's quite normal.

I'm sure they do, Miss Gillis.

You have a house in the country and the baby,

and now what do you do?

I have two more babies.

I didn't say a thing.

Yes?

Well, when the kids get out of Scarsdale Public High School--

Oh, Scarsdale?

Well, certainly, everyone knows

they have the best school system in the country.

Of course, everybody knows that.

- Now, Joe... - I mean it.

Everybody in Indianapolis sends their kids to Scarsdale.

I've been kidded about this before,

but I do know what I want.

That's good.

Go on. Tell us more.

Well, as I was saying,

when the kids get out of high school and go to--

Miss Gillis, don't you think

you're just getting a little ahead of yourself?

Well, after all, a person just can't go on

ad-libbing his way through life.

- Well, some do. - Some have to.

Julie: Sure, but that's because they made their plans too late.

I wish I knew the answer to that one.

Well, now that I've told you all of my girlish dreams--

- Do you really have to go? - I really have to.

- Miss Crewes. - Goodbye.

I'll get you a taxi cab.

No, don't bother. Mr. McCall.

Oh, I couldn't think of letting the mother of three children

walk out on the streets alone in the sinful old city of New York.

- Goodbye. Joe: Bye.

- See you later. - Bye.

That is the most terrifying child I ever met in my life.

I'm a little shaky myself.

Tell me, Miss Gillis,

what are your plans for the next 400 years?

Oh, well, first, I shall have some children.

Oh, and how do you intend to have them?

- The usual way. - No, I mean, in what order?

Oh, well, first a boy, then a girl, then another boy,

and then a chocolate cream.

And, uh, what typical little American community

do you intend to live in?

Las Vegas. Where else?

[laughing]

And you know how it is with contracts.

It will probably be a week or two

before we have anything for you to sign.

So meanwhile, how about you and I

having dinner tomorrow night?

- Together? - Of course.

Why?

- Why? - Well, I mean, for what reason?

Does there have to be a reason for a male and female

to sit down and break bread together?

I mean, tomorrow night you'll probably be hungry

and you'll want to eat.

But why with you?

Well, it's a simple question, isn't it?

Yes. I wish I had a simple answer.

I wish I had any answer.

Well, I'll put it the other way around.

Tomorrow night you'll be hungry and wanna have dinner,

but why with me?

Miss Gillis, through the years,

I have found that sitting across the table

with a beautiful girl is not only pleasant,

but it's awfully good for my digestion.

Well, I've only known you a few minutes,

but you seem fairly nice.

You're even attractive in an offbeat,

beat-up sort of way.

Thanks a lot.

But I can't have dinner

with every nice, attractive man I meet.

It's not part of my plan.

- How is that plan again? - My marriage plan.

When I meet somebody new

and I don't feel an immediate chemistry between us,

well, I'm polite, but that's all.

And you mean that you feel nothing chemical

between you and me?

Exactly.

Thank you very much for the coffee.

You do understand why

I can't have dinner with you, don't you?

It's crystal clear, Miss Gillis.

Good. Goodnight.

About time you got here.

Were you kidding with what you told me on the phone?

I was not. There she sits.

You talk to her.

Director: Ethel Barrymore signed a contract like this.

Helen Hayes, Sarah Bernhardt--

I'd like to have a couple of minutes alone with Miss Gillis.

- Sure, she's all yours. - Hello, Julie.

Are you gonna shout at me, too, Mr. Reader?

No, I'm not, Julie.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna be very quiet.

I just wanna get right to the point--

Now to save you time, you don't have to tell me

how it's a tradition of the theater for everybody

to sign a run-of-the-play contract.

Good. Then we can skip that.

But do you think it's fair to Mr. Sayers and the investors

that you quit four and a half months after the show opens?

I'm sorry, but if I postpone my marriage once,

I may postpone it again.

I can't take the chance.

I'm afraid I can only sign a contract until March 12.

What's so special about March 12?

Well, that's when my mother and father were married.

On March 12.

And in my plan, that's the absolute deadline.

It just doesn't make sense, Julie.

Because the other day, you told me that

you hadn't even met your young man yet.

Oh, but I will.

If you have a plan and you really believe in it,

it will work.

Um, why don't we go over to Bergie's

and talk this over, huh?

No, thanks, I've already had lunch.

Well, we could have dinner tonight--

Oh, Mr. Reader, I've already explained to you

how I feel about dinner with you.

Julie...

this is not chemistry, it's business.

You promised me you wouldn't shout.

I've gotta get some air.

- Charlie, how did-- - Charlie, what happened?

Get her to sign?

Sam, the best thing to do is to sign her until March

and maybe I can get her to change her mind by then.

- Where are you going? - The nearest bar.

Wait, I'll go with you.

[telephone rings]

Hello.

No, I'm sorry, he's not.

Yes.

Yes, I'll tell him. Thank you.

[telephone rings]

Hello.

No, I'm sorry, he isn't.

Miss Snr?

Would you spell that, please?

S-N-R?

Yes, Miss Snr, United Nations,

Thursday night, curry dinner.

I shall tell him. Bye.

Miss Snr? What kind of a name is that?

[telephone rings]

Just give me the facts, ma'am.

Oh, hello, Jessica. How are you?

[door closes]

No, I'm sorry, he hasn't come in yet.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I'll tell him as soon as he gets in.

- Hi, Joe. - Hiya, sheik.

- What does Jessica want? - What they all want.

To feed you, caress you, burp you.

Sew monograms on your stupid shirts.

Oh, did Carol get the thread for the monograms?

- Yes, she did. - Good girl.

And Jessica stumbled across a brand-new cheese.

"S-N-R?"

Yeah, that's Miss Snr.

She wants you to come over Thursday evening and curry her.

You're a good boy, Joe, look for something

little extra special in your pay envelope Saturday.

I hope you don't mind. I tied up your telephone

for about three minutes this afternoon

with a personal call.

- Ethel phoned. Charlie: Oh, how is she?

Well, she says she's restless and bored

and she's going to carpet the bathroom.

[telephone rings]

You answer it. I'm developing a cauliflower ear.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Sayers.

No, I don't know where she is.

[instrumental music on TV]

She didn't show for rehearsal at all?

Well, all I can suggest, pal, is maybe you better call

the police station or the nearest hospital.

Maybe you ought to try the morgue.

Oh, I know it's no joke, Sayers.

What do you mean you're sorry she came into your life?

How about me? She wouldn't even have dinner with me.

Yeah, if I hear from her, I'll call you. Bye.

Gillis dame didn't even show for the rehearsal.

What do you think of that?

I try not to think of her

and I'm succeeding.

Man on TV: And now NBC takes you to the Knightsbridge Armory

and the "American Home Show."

Before we show you the exciting innovations in homemaking,

we will turn our cameras on the enthusiastic crowds

that have gathered here.

Hey, Charlie, come here.

- What's up? - Look at that.

We come now to the feature of Homemaker's Haven,

the kitchen of tomorrow,

gadgetry that does away with drudgery.

Is this what you hustled me in here for?

Wait, wait, wait till they get the audience.

But if anyone has any questions, that's what I'm here for.

I have a question. Excuse me.

Egads, it's Gillis.

How big a family was this kitchen designed for?

Man: Well, we've planned it for what the experts say

will be the average American family in a few years,

husband, wife and three children.

Oh, that's perfect.

I gotta get up there and get her down to rehearsal.

- Why you? - 'Cause it's my responsibility.

- I'm her agent. - Oh, come on now.

Don't give me that agent-responsibility bit.

This chick has got you tied up in knots

because she won't have anything to do with you.

You don't know what you're talking about, boy.

Stay away from this girl, she's a trap with the trigger all set.

So what? Do you think I'd kick away a setup like this?

I don't know, Charlie. Why do you keep

falling out of the tree house?

I have not fallen out of a tree house in years.

Don't you worry about old Charlie.

Ha, that has a familiar ring. "Don't worry about old Charlie."

Isn't that what you use to scream

as you fell over the edge?

That's funny.

Hey, wait a minute. You got a date with Sylvia.

You're supposed to pick her up at NBC.

You're a college graduate. You think of something.

[indistinct chatter]

No, Mr. Wilson, it just isn't--

May I point out again that this house was planned

by the world's greatest modern architect--

Well, I can't put my finger on it,

but-- but I-- I just know it--

Oh, hello, Mr. Reader. What are you doing here?

That's a funny thing. I was just gonna ask you the same question.

Seems I have a childish idea

that you were long overdue at rehearsal.

[gasps] Oh, my goodness.

I just stopped in for a few minutes.

Oh, I must have been here for hours.

Alright, in that case, let's go.

Wait, I just wanna ask you one question, then we'll go.

Does the combination of this room and this furniture

and Mr. Wilson in that chair do anything for you?

I don't know. Is it supposed to?

Well, yes.

You see, I love this style house

and I love this decor,

but when a man sits in that chair,

it just doesn't seem to jell.

It sort of goes out of focus.

Well, it isn't your fault, Mr. Wilson.

Four other men were good enough to sit in that chair for me,

but I--

You haven't any idea of what I'm talking about, have you?

Have you?

Mr. Wilson, will you, please, get up

and let Mr. Reader sit right down--

Now, Julie, you're two hours late as it is.

Believe me, sir, blind obedience works out best.

What did I do?

It's amazing.

The room seems so different now all at once.

Do you see it, Mr. Wilson?

Okay, class is over. Let's go, Julie.

Mr. Wilson, you must come and visit us sometime.

- Yes, but the chair-- - Thank you very much.

- Amazing. - Alright, Julie.

- Amazing. - This way.

- Hello, Sylvia. - Oh, Joe.

What brings you to this windswept corner?

Anything to do with Charlie not being here?

Uh, well, as a matter of fact, uh--

Alright, lad, let's have it.

Well, it's just a matter of, uh,

Charlie getting a call from--

- Uh, his draft board? - Uh, no, no, no.

His boss called an emergency, uh, staff meeting and, uh--

Would you care to look me in the eye, Mr. McCall?

Not particularly.

You know, I don't mind being lied to

if I felt that a little work went into the lie.

A little imagination.

Well, it was Charlie's idea

that perhaps I could fill in for him.

Uh, that is, if it's alright with you.

Let's have a look at you.

Pirouette slowly.

- You'll do. - Then you're my date?

I see no way out of it. I'm your date.

You're, uh, angry with Charlie and me, aren't you?

No, I'm not. Really, I'm not.

Why not? You should be.

Well, I have a high IQ and a low boiling point.

How would you like to buy me a malted milk

and a tuna fish sandwich at the corner drugstore?

Why, I'd be delighted.

And, uh, maybe we could have a-- a drink someplace afterwards?

Who knows? The night is young.

We're middle-aged, anything can happen.

Shall we dance?

♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly your sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along boy then snap ♪

♪ Those eyes those sighs ♪

♪ They're part of the tender trap ♪

♪ You're hand in hand beneath the trees ♪

♪ And soon there's music in the breeze ♪

♪ You're acting kind of smart ♪

♪ Until your heart just goes wap ♪

♪ Those trees that breeze ♪

♪ They're part of the tender trap ♪

♪ Some starry night ♪

♪ When his kisses make you tingle ♪

♪ He'll hold you tight ♪

♪ And you'll hate yourself for being single ♪

♪ And all at once it seems so nice ♪

♪ The folks are throwing shoes and rice ♪

♪ You hurry to a spot that's just a dot on the map ♪

♪ You wonder how it all came about ♪

♪ It's too late now there's no getting out ♪

♪ You fell in love and love is the tender trap ♪♪

Alright, not bad for a first try.

I liked it. Had a lot of schmaltz.

That's all. That's all, everybody.

Tomorrow morning 10 o'clock sharp.

Including Miss Gillis.

What did you think of it, Mr. Reader?

Comme ci comme ca.

But you heard what the director said.

He said it had a lot of schmaltz.

That's surface schmaltz, Julie. The worst kind.

You can't throw a song like that away.

It's gotta have more warmth.

Look, I'll show you what I mean.

[piano music]

♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly your sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along boy then snap ♪

♪ Those eyes those sighs ♪

♪ They're part of the tender trap ♪

You see what I mean?

You just gotta let it settle a little bit.

♪ You're hand in hand beneath the trees ♪

♪ And soon there's music in the breeze ♪

♪ You're acting kind of smart ♪

♪ Until your heart just goes wap ♪

♪ Those trees that breeze ♪

♪ They're part of the tender trap ♪

♪ Some starry night ♪

♪ When her kisses make you ♪

♪ Tingle ♪

♪ She'll hold you tight ♪

♪ And you'll hate yourself for being ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ And all at once it seems so nice ♪

♪ The folks are throwing shoes and rice ♪

♪ You hurry to a spot that's just a dot on the map ♪

♪ Voom voom voom ♪

♪ You wonder how it all came about ♪

♪ It's too late now there's no getting out ♪

♪ You fell in love ♪

♪ And love is the tender trap ♪♪

[music continues]

Oh, gee. That was nice.

Well, I'm starved. Let's go to dinner.

Together?

Of course. Come on.

♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly your sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along boy then snap ♪

♪ Those eyes those sighs ♪

♪ They're part of the tender trap ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[indistinct]

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Poppy.

No, he hasn't come in yet.

Sure, I'll tell him. I won't forget.

Bye.

[door opens]

- Oh, hi, Joe. - Your entire harem called.

- Good girls. - The last one was Poppy.

Her uncle's whitefish is in town.

Her uncle's what?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember.

- Julie call? - No.

Well, she should be here any minute.

- Fix you a drink, Joe? - No, thank you.

Why do you have to romance that little girl?

Oh, relax, will you, rover?

In the first place, she's made of cast iron.

In the second place, she's too young for you.

Third place, you've got more dames now

than you know what to do with.

And in the fourth place, you have got

a little trouble yourself, boy.

I've been watching it develop.

The symptoms are classic.

Short temper, jangled nerves.

And even rude to your friends and your loved ones.

What you need, son, is a little female companionship.

Thank you very much, doctor.

It's nothing. Now, Joe, don't sit around

by yourself again tonight, will you?

As a matter of fact, I'm not.

Aha, you have a date.

- Mm-hmm. - Who is she? Anybody I know?

Yes. Sylvia.

- Again? - Again.

Well, that's great, Joe. Just great.

- Did she call you? - No, I called her.

- Now there's a switch. - Oh.

As a matter of fact, I'm on my way to pick her up now.

Forgive me for setting a precedent.

As a matter of another fact, I've got

two dates with Sylvia tonight.

One for dinner and one for after her concert.

Goodnight, sultan.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell buzzes]

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Charlie.

Hey.

Oh, wait a minute. You can do better than that.

Yes, I can.

- Hello, Helen. - Hello, Charlie.

Uh, h-- how did Joe behave today?

Helen: Like an angel. - Like a--

Will you, please, tell me who that girl is?

- Shh. Helen: Be good, Joe.

So long, Charlie. See you tomorrow.

Yup, uh... Yeah, so long, Helen.

[chuckles] Thanks a lot.

Well, just who is Miss Deadpan?

Oh, uh, she's a, um, she's a professional dog walker.

Yeah, that's what she is. She walks the dog every day.

I never heard of a professional dog walker.

And why does she have to be so attractive?

I, uh, [chuckles] I never noticed

that she was particularly attractive.

Oh.

What's the matter, Julie?

Gee whiz, you came in here with a chip on your shoulder.

Well--

Well, I'm getting sick and tired of it.

Well, uh, Charlie, I haven't complained before,

but do you think I like it?

Like what?

Look, I know this is the Atomic Age

and we're two civilized adults.

You made that clear.

But a girl still doesn't like to call for a man

at his apartment or meet him at a bar.

Especially when the whole evening has been planned

without any consultation.

- Consultation? - That's right.

Every date we've had has been all figured out by you.

You've never asked me once, not once what I wanted to do.

Oh, well, honey, I'm sorry.

Honest, I'm sorry, baby.

You should have mentioned it to me.

Look, from here on in, there will be a change.

What do you wanna do tonight?

Well, I-- I don't know.

We've got the whole town. Just name something.

Well, gee, I don't know. What do you want?

Oh, no. Oh, no, not I.

- This is your evening. - Oh.

- Well-- - Just take your time.

Just think about it.

[whistling]

Of course, I could...

I could make a tiny suggestion.

Yes?

Well, there's a wonderful restaurant down on Bank Street

where they serve the world's greatest paella valenciana.

Yeah?

And then after that, we could go up the street

a few blocks where there's a little Mexican joint

I haven't been to in a long time.

They got a crazy five-piece rumba band,

the best you've ever danced to.

Then we could pad right across the street,

that is, if you wanted to,

to a lovely little cafe where they serve up

the best coffee and guitar music in the whole city.

- Charlie? - Mm?

The next time I tell you I wanna plan an evening,

just don't listen.

Alright, I won't.

Because you know more about how to please a lady

than any other man on the Eastern Seaboard.

Thank you, and there's no other lady

I would rather please.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Now if you'll give me a few seconds,

I'll go in and change and we'll be on our way.

Swell.

In the meantime, I'll just read your mail.

Swell.

Uh, Julie.

- Julie. - What's the matter?

Nothing. You're just so cute, that's all.

[chuckles] Well, so are you.

Oh, I'm glad you think so.

Now as long as we're going to a Spanish joint,

why don't we tango right to the door?

I'm with you.

[Charlie humming]

[instrumental music]

Ain't this joint the most?

- I think it's dull. - Oh.

Well, we could traipse across the street to another joint.

No, thanks. I've had enough entertainment for one evening.

Well, I can't take you home now. What would your mother say?

I don't know. Mom's in Boston visiting my aunt.

Oh?

Is she gonna be there long?

I don't think she'll be back till tomorrow night.

And your father? I guess he's at home, huh?

Um, papa goes where mama goes

and, uh, papa won't be home till Monday night.

Well, you know, this joint is a little dull.

How could you suggest it, anyway?

- Me? - Watch it.

Stand back, buddy, here.

Move out. Thank you very much. Excuse me. Bye.

I like this idea.

I don't know who I'm fonder of.

You or that aunt of yours up in Boston.

Charlie, I think you'd better go.

Why?

Because I'm a well-brought-up girl

and that's a remark my parents would expect me to make.

Of course, you could prolong things

by asking for a nightcap.

Miss Gillis, may I have a slug of scotch?

Certainly. But it will take a minute

because mom's a teetotaler

and pop hides the stuff in my hat boxes.

[whistling]

[chuckles]

- Is water alright? - Yeah, fine.

[whistles]

- Say, these the folks? - Uh-huh.

Hmm, they look evenly matched.

Except perhaps I think mom may have 40 pounds on him.

[chuckles] I know what you're thinking.

Let me ask you something. Here.

Has your dad got his hair?

Oh, a wisp here and there.

Alright, we'll make a pact.

You won't get bald and I won't get fat.

I'll drink to that.

- Now what's on the agenda? - Mm.

Let's neck.

A very sound idea.

- Mm-mm. - Mm.

You know, I've been meaning to tell you something for days.

You are the softest girl.

[chuckles] Tell me more.

I'd be delighted.

One second.

Why did you do that?

Well, because some words take on a different meaning

in the dark.

Oh.

- Charlie. - Mm-hmm?

You're not talking, you're nibbling.

I'm afraid your idea of necking and my idea of necking

are a little far apart.

So?

So in the meantime, we'll just sit quietly and--

And what?

And, uh, and look at television.

Oh, goody.

And perhaps later we can go out in the kitchen

and make some fudge.

Man on TV: Remember, this six-cylinder, four-door,

white-walled dynathermic convertible,

only 1790.

1790? Was that a good year for cars?

Shh.

Man: And now back to our movie.

I'll see you again in a few minutes

with another fantastic offer.

[instrumental music on TV]

[clears throat]

[music continues]

Oh. Uh, maybe

watching television wasn't such a good idea.

No, it's not a good idea at all.

No, I think we better forget

about that whole thing.

Uh, are you interested in art?

Well, I could pretend to be.

That's good, because daddy bought me

the loveliest book for Christmas.

It's just full of wonderful reproductions

of Renaissance masterpieces.

This is more than I had hoped for.

Now before you scoff, just take a look at some of these.

A Corot.

- Isn't the detail amazing? - Mm-hmm.

Julie: Michelangelo's Jeremiah.

How are you, Meyer?

Oh, you're impossible.

Say, do you suppose her folks are out of town?

Honestly.

Bup, bup, bup, hold it. Just one second.

I wanna drink in all this amazing detail.

- Oh. - Mm.

- Charlie. - Julie.

[instrumental music]

- Julie. - Oh, no, no, Charlie--

Oh, darling, there's no use trying to fight it.

Everything is conspiring against us.

Science and the arts and the animal kingdom.

No, Charlie, you mustn't let them give you any ideas.

I swear to you, it's my own idea.

But, Charlie, they're the happiest married couple

in the neighborhood. They're entitled--

[paper rustling]

What did I say? I didn't say anything.

Charlie, how many girls are there in your life?

What?

I said how many other girls are there in your life?

Oh. [chuckles]

Carol and...

Jayne and...

[chuckles] that's about it.

"Poppy, Jessica, Miss Snr, Helen."

What about them?

Oh, well, they're second-stringers.

They practically never get in the game.

[laughs]

You're not funny.

How many are there?

Oh, now, baby, you know better

than to ask that kind of a question.

Well, I'm sorry.

This is a new game to me.

I don't know the rules.

Oh, Julie, relax.

How many?

Sweetie, it's a beautiful night

and your folks are up in Boston

and there's nobody in the whole wide world

except you and me.

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow, same thing.

We could go riding or--

And Monday?

What do you want, a contract?

No.

All I want is a straight answer to a straight question.

How many other girls are there in your life?

Four hundred and ninety six.

There used to be 497

until one of them started asking questions

that were none of her darn business.

- Thank you. - You are welcome.

Well, why don't you cry now? Doesn't that come next?

First, the silly questions and then the silly answers

and then the tears.

Go on, do the whole bit.

You listen to me.

Will you listen to me?

Listen to me, God's gift to women,

and listen good.

From now on, you're going to call for me at my house.

You're gonna ask me how I want to spend the evening.

And you're gonna meet my folks and be polite to them.

And you're gonna bring me candy and flowers.

And you're gonna drop every one of those other girls.

All 496 of them.

Now why would I wanna do a thing like that?

Because I love you.

Because you what?

That's right.

Because I love you.

You think that's such a wonderful thing,

being in love with you?

I never wanted to.

I don't want to now.

You're selfish, you're arrogant, you're spoiled,

you-- you're much too old for me.

- Now see here-- - Too old. I said too old.

Too selfish, too arrogant, too spoiled.

Oh, Lord knows why I love you, but I do.

And that's why there's gonna be some changes made right now.

- Now, listen. - You listen.

You're very big with your terrace

and your fancy nightclubs

and-- and your professional dog walkers.

But let me tell you something.

You've got a lot to learn about women.

- Me? - Yes, you.

And I'm gonna try to straighten you out

if it's not too late.

I'm gonna try to make a man out of you.

Because that's what I want to marry. A man.

Marry? Well, who-- who asked you?

Well, what's this all about?

If you don't intend to marry me, say so now

because that's what I want.

Not a terrace, not pa-la-la valetcia,

whatever you call it.

Just a plain old marriage

and a house and kids

and a life that makes some sense.

Are you all through now?

Yes.

I take it then this is an ultimatum.

- Yes. - And you want me to marry you.

But first, you want me to reform and mend my ways.

Yes.

Alright.

Now let a selfish, spoiled, arrogant old man

tell you a couple of things.

Before you propose to a man, wait until he shows you

at least a little indication that he's interested.

Also, do not start by telling him

he is a decrepit old louse.

So much for generalities.

Now let us get down to cases.

I have never said that I wanted to marry you

nor am I moved to do so right now.

Assuming I did wanna get married,

I know a girl who comes a lot closer

to my idea of being a wife than you do.

Oh.

In fact, there are many, many girls.

Why--

This is my apartment. You get out!

[instrumental music]

"This is my apartment. You get out." [scoffs]

Okay, what happened?

If she thinks I'm gonna sit around here

and wait for her to phone me and apologize to me,

she's sadly mistaken, boy.

You and Miss Stonewall Jackson have words?

You're still on your feet.

It must have been a technical KO.

Oh, shut up.

[doorbell buzzes]

Get that, will you?

It's still the shank of the evening, anyway.

Candy and flowers. [scoffs]

Any number of girls who will have me.

Just as I am too.

It's Helen. Alright, what happened?

She-- Helen? Helen.

- Helen. - Oh, hello, Charlie.

Uh, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate

your walking Joe every day.

Oh, it's nothing, Charlie.

And I thought it would be a nice idea

if tonight you and I went out

and had a big fat dinner.

Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie. I can't.

Oh, why not?

Well, you see, it's really Joey's fault.

What?

Well, two weeks ago last Monday,

Joey met a lovely poodle on the corner of 57th and 2nd Avenue

named Florence.

Florence has a lovely owner named Peter Caruthers.

Well, as Joey got to know Florence better,

I got to know Pete better and--

Well, last night, we decided to get married.

Married? When?

- Wednesday. - Wednesday?

Oh, well, you can still go out with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie, I can't.

But I'll be eternally grateful to you and Joey.

Oh, of course, after Wednesday,

you'll have to walk him by yourself.

Bye.

What's so funny?

Do you realize this poor girl is gonna marry a poodle owner?

Poodle owners make terrible husbands.

You won't catch me sitting around here by myself tonight.

Not this kid. No, sir.

Any number of girls--

Western Union?

I'd like to send a telegram.

Saks Fifth Avenue, New York.

When a man comes in and pays $15 for a tie,

is it too much to expect a stinking tie to tie?

$15 for this tie. I used to buy a suit for $15.

[doorbell buzzes]

Not you. You're in no condition to answer anything.

Ah. I don't know why I don't wear bow ties, anyway.

Joe: Oh, hi, Poppy. Poppy: Joe.

Poppy.

Poppy, you doll.

How did you know that in all the world

the only person I wanted to see was beautiful you?

[chuckles] Oh, darling. Look out. Oh, look out.

Oh, a present for me? You shouldn't have done it.

- I had to. - Nonsense.

All you had to do was bring your little old sweet self.

What the heck is it?

Charlie, you know how small my refrigerator is.

I can't freeze it in there.

Well, look at your refrigerator.

Nine cubic feet and four pearl onions.

Oh. Oh, this is your uncle's whitefish.

No, Charlie, it's your whitefish.

Oh. Well, I'm delighted to have it and--

Well, you're a doll to bring it

and I'll take very good care of it.

There's something I'd like to ask you, Poppy.

Uh--

Uh, you are, are you not,

the girl who loves paella valenciana

better than anything in the world?

That's me. I'm the girl.

And you are, are you not,

the girl who always shouts "Ole!"

whenever you hear guitar music?

I'm the girl who does it. Ole.

Then you must be the girl who's going with me right now

downtown to hear some Spanish music

and eat some Spanish food, yes?

No.

No?

Well, why not?

Because I have a date with somebody else.

He's waiting downstairs.

Oh? And is he going to take you downtown

and buy you espadrilles and feed you paella valenciana?

No, he is going to take me to Radio City Music Hall

and afterwards if it's not too late, Schrafft's.

What's your problem? Get rid of the square and we'll go.

But he is going to call me tomorrow.

Oh?

Well, does that make him some sort of a hero?

It's polite, Charlie. It's gentlemanly.

Are you calling me a louse?

Oh, certainly not.

I wouldn't dream of calling you a louse.

- A stinker? - A stinker. That's it.

- Thanks a lot. - Pura nada.

Well, then I guess it's goodbye.

Why?

Well, after what you just called me?

A stinker?

But, sweetie, I never thought you were anything else.

Now you take good care of that whitefish.

Bye.

[instrumental music]

What are you doing tonight?

What's so amusing?

Retribution, Charles.

Comeuppance.

You're being paid back.

For all the phone calls you promised to return

and didn't.

For all the cheeses you didn't eat.

For all the girls you fondled and forgot.

You're being paid back,

and all in one day.

That's the beauty of it.

What's eating you, Joe?

I'm your best friend and I tell you you're a louse.

You're one of the few really indecent men I ever met.

Go ahead, punch me in the nose.

Why should I? You'd punch back.

Besides, how indecent can I be if a girl like Sylvia think--

- Sylvia. - You don't have to call Sylvia.

She'll be here in a few minutes.

She's coming to pick me up.

She said it would be nostalgic.

Now, look, Joe, I'm a pretty broad-minded fella.

To put it mildly.

And I'm not stuffy or anything like that.

But I don't want you to see Sylvia again.

- Why not? - Because you are a married man.

That's why.

And Sylvia is a girl who--

Well, she's got marriage on her mind. Have you?

- Have you? - No, but I'm in a position to.

You're not. You've got a wife and three kids.

Now you keep away from Sylvia.

Listen, you jerk.

You want me to keep away from Sylvia?

Then do just one thing. Marry her.

- Marry her? - Yes. This is a lady.

A first-class, triple-distilled, A-number-one lady.

This isn't a trophy you hang in your game room.

This is a girl you marry.

Why don't you lay off me? All you married guys are alike.

Just because you're hooked, you want everybody else

to be hooked. Well, that's your problem, buster.

- Oh, hello. - [chuckles] Hello.

Look, I'm sorry. I know we haven't met,

but it's just that I've seen you someplace.

Well, it's this face of mine.

It's what everybody's wearing this season. [chuckles]

- Hi. - Hi.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

Look, I haven't known you long, but I know you pretty well.

What is it?

Well, Charlie and I have been at each other.

Oh? What about?

About you.

Really? I'm flattered.

He thinks I shouldn't go out with you.

This from a man who hasn't even called you in two weeks.

Oh, that's just Charlie's way.

I don't get it. Anything this guy does is okay with you.

Why do you let him shove you around?

You're a beautiful woman, you're talented,

you're intelligent,

you're everything a man dreams about.

Why do you stand for it?

Oh, Joe.

Dear Joe.

How can I tell you?

We come to this town from Springfield and Des Moines

and Fort Worth and Salt Lake City.

We're young, we're pretty, and we're talented.

All we have to do to get married is stay home.

But the boys back home don't have what we want.

We got our eyes on something else.

A career, glamor, excitement,

and this is the place to find it.

So we come to New York and we do pretty well.

Not great, but pretty well.

We make a career.

We find the excitement and the glamor.

We go to first nights.

We buy little mink stoles.

Headwaiters call us by name.

It's fun. It's wonderful.

Till one fine day, we look around

and we're 33 years old, we haven't got a man.

- Oh, surely you can-- - Mnh-mnh.

Joe, do you have any idea

what's available to a woman of 33?

Married men, drunks,

pretty boys looking for someone to support them,

lunatics looking for their fifth divorce.

Quite a list, isn't it?

So we set our cap for Charlie.

He's eligible, he's attractive,

he's employed and reasonably sane.

But you don't love him, do you?

How did the word love ever creep into this conversation?

Sylvia, there are worse things for a girl

than not getting married.

Name three.

Honey, I can't let you throw yourself away.

Do you have any other ideas, Joe?

Sylvia.

So here we are.

Salaam, sultan.

Sylvia darling.

What's the matter?

I'm blind and I'm stupid.

Joe, you were absolutely right.

You've opened my eyes.

I know what I have to do.

Charlie, what's wrong?

Here you are, a first-class,

A-number-one, triple-distilled lady.

What better thing in the world could happen to me?

What better favor could I do for myself?

Oh, what is it?

Sylvia...

[stutters] marry me.

Well, you...

you will, won't you?

I will.

Good. That's settled.

Why are you crying?

Don't be alarmed.

Just standard operational procedure.

Yes, sir, this is the smartest thing I've ever done in my life

and you darn well know it.

Mm-hmm.

What kind of a happy occasion is this?

She stands up there weeping bitter tears

and you stand here grunting at me.

Uh, where are all the shoes and rice and the Roman candles?

Charlie, I wanna wish you all the best luck in the world.

Well, you should. This was your idea.

Are you alright? No more crying?

If you think that was crying, wait till you catch me

at the wedding.

Yeah, I may be doing a good deal of that myself.

Well, this is a jolly occasion.

Yeah, there's much too much gloom here.

Let's get blind.

- A little large, isn't it? - Live a little bit.

How many times in your life do you get engaged?

Unh-unh. This isn't my party. I'll pour my own.

Party. That's what we need.

We'll have the wingdingiest party anybody ever saw.

- Party? - Yeah.

And we'll start by calling the Dunstocks.

Wonderful people, the Dunstocks.

She happens to be a little stuffy, but he, uh--

Well, I guess he is a little too.

Hello, Harry. How are you, old pirate?

This is Charlie Reader.

Yeah, I know, but I've been busy.

Listen, grab that little wife of yours

and slip her into something seductive

and get right over here.

Yup. We're gonna have the biggest brawl you ever saw.

Oh?

Well, bring him along. We'll feed him.

I don't care how many.

Eight? Bring them over.

Attaboy. Bye.

Well, we got a start.

You better get some more pearl onions.

Now let me see. Who else do we ask?

How about Danny Fitzpatrick, honey?

- Is he in or out of the clink? - In.

Oh, that's a shame. He plays great piano.

- You haven't got a piano. - That wouldn't stop Danny.

Charlie: We gotta get some musicians.

They're more fun than Earth people. [laughs]

- Sol Steiner? - You're a genius.

And one thing about Sol is

you always know where to reach him.

And if he's not there, he's just not in town.

Curley's Bar?

Hey, is Sol Steiner there?

Yeah, I'll wait. Sol's taking the cure.

He's trying to get back on liquor.

Sol, old man, was machst du?

Hey, how would you like to come up and have some free drinks?

My place.

I'm getting engaged, that's why.

To Sylvia, who else?

Listen, can you get in touch with Eddie and Louise?

I know they're with you,

but can you get in touch with them?

Yeah, bring them along.

What?

Honey, Fitzpatrick is out.

[sighs] There goes the lease.

Yeah, bring him along too.

Attaboy. Bye.

What? "Who is this?"

It's Charlie Reader, you idiot. Hurry up.

If I know Curley's, everybody in the joint

will make a left turn and follow Sol right up here.

Give me a glass, will you, Joe?

[doorbell buzzes]

[humming "Bridal Chorus"]

Hiya, honey.

I just thought I'd bring you up this little old cheese.

I called you about it.

- Oh. - Jessica, this is my fiancee.

- Miss Collins, Miss Crewes. - How do you do?

- Your what? - My fiancee.

- You mean you're engaged? - Yes.

- To be married? - Yes.

- A wedding present. - Thank you.

Uh, we're gonna have a wingy-dingy-ding-ding brawl

here tonight and you, of course, are invited.

Thank you, Charlie, but I got a date

with some of the girls for dinner.

Girls? Why don't you bring the girls with you?

No.

We're all gonna have laughs

and all get blind.

Well, on second thought, yes.

Tiger.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye.

[Sylvia clears throat]

[in Southern accent] Friend of yours, honey?

No. Listen, we better get some food

as long as we're gonna have a party. Don't you think?

With 34 people coming for dinner? What for?

- I-- I'll go get some things. - Yeah, that's it.

You go on up to the delicatessen

and Joe and I will stay here and get the bottles open.

Get some of the fancy stuff like caviar and sturgeon

and turkey and all that jazz.

And here. Will a dollar be enough?

- I'll be back in about an hour. - I'll count the minutes.

Tiger. [growls]

[humming "Bridal Chorus"]

Oh, gosh, we'll never have enough stuff

for all those hoods.

I better go get some.

- You wanna go with me, Joe? Joe: No.

Okay, okay, Cupid. I'll go myself.

[humming "Bridal Chorus"]

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

- Oh, I love you so. - Oh, I love you too.

I was just coming up to tell you I love you.

And I was just coming to tell you so, too, darling.

Oh, baby, you were so right.

I need changing. I need reforming.

No, no, no. I like you just like you are, almost.

I'm the one who has to change.

I'm too stubborn, too headstrong, too--

And why is the meter still running?

I have arrived at my destination.

Too willful, too unyielding.

- From now on, we'll compromise. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Charlie darling, pay the driver

and let's go upstairs.

We have so much to talk about.

Alright, I will.

[indistinct chatter]

No! No, no, no.

You have an early rehearsal tomorrow morning,

and I'm emotionally exhausted, and I'm going right up

to flop right in bed, and, uh, a-- aren't you?

A-- and I'll call you the first thing in the morning.

- But, Charlie? - Hmm?

I love you.

Oh, I love you too.

- Bye. Sleep tight. - Bye.

Uh, go.

- Hey! - Hey, Charlie.

Oh, boy.

Charlie, the bridegroom.

[indistinct chatter]

Congratulations, Mr. Reader.

Understand you're engaged to a lovely girl.

Two lovely girls.

[door opens]

[high-pitched music]

Whatever gave you the idea that Sue Dunstock was stuffy?

I can't think of many girls who would let Danny Fitzpatrick

give them a crew haircut.

Who was the girl in the Turkish shoes?

Because I think I'm engaged to her.

[coughs]

[grunts]

Sol Steiner.

Man, I thought you'd never get here.

You alright?

Crazy, daddy-o.

Will you hold this?

Crazy party.

Crazy.

Where's Sylvia?

- Home. - What do you mean home?

H-O-M-E, home. Her place.

I don't dig. She's engaged to Charlie, ain't she?

- Yeah. - And she still goes home?

Without cleaning up?

Man, he must be crazy to let that chick go home.

And I don't mean crazy like cool.

I'm with you.

She is the most.

The end.

What band are you with?

I'm with the Indiana Pharmaceutical Company.

What's the matter, man? Lose your lip?

You really let that Sylvia go home?

- Oh, hello, Sol. Yeah. - Well, you shouldn't have.

This is a real gone doll.

How did she ever get on that Beethoven kick?

I don't know. Haven't you got a rehearsal

or something this morning?

Oh, yeah. Longines Symphonette.

For that, you gotta be on time. They all got watches.

[laughing]

- Want one for the road? - Yeah, thanks.

[laughing]

[clatters]

Joe, I, uh--

There's something I have to tell you, Joe.

Yeah, well, I got something to tell you too.

[doorbell buzzes]

- Hello, Joe. - Hi.

- Uh, h-- hi, Julie. - What's wrong?

I have been trying to get you on the phone for three hours.

Oh, have you? Well, it hasn't rung, has it, Joe?

- Huh? No, no. - I called 20 times.

Well, there must be something wrong with the phone.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

What's been going on here?

A-- aren't you due at rehearsal now, dear?

What went on here last night?

[in nasal voice] Yeah, Charlie, what went on here last night?

Uh, not a thing. Nothing, not--

Wouldn't you like a cup of coffee? Wouldn't you?

[doorbell buzzes]

- Hello, darling. - Hi, Sylvia.

Hey. [laughs]

Well, how are you?

- Hi, Joe. Joe: Hi.

What's the matter with your phone?

I've been trying to call you all morning.

Danny Fitzpatrick.

[laughs] Yeah, I remember.

Sylvia, you know Julie, don't you?

Oh, yes. Hello. Honey.

What brings you here so bright and early this morning?

Did you, by any chance, find a diamond earring

around here someplace this morning?

And please say yes.

- Diamond earring? - Yeah.

- No. - Oh, that's terrible.

Sue Dunstock's going out of her mind.

She couldn't reach you this morning, so she started

calling me at 7 o'clock.

And Harry screaming at her the whole time,

[in deep voice] "It isn't enough you let

that idiot shave your head?

You had to let him steal your diamond earring too?"

[laughs]

Must have been some party last night.

Oh, the greatest.

I haven't played run-sheep-run in years.

What was it, an occasion of some kind?

Indeed it was.

Julie: What kind of an occasion?

Sylvia: A happy occasion.

Yeah. Hey, we better look for the earring.

What do you mean, a happy occasion?

Oh, what is this, Miss Gillis? A third-degree?

Julie: I have a right to know.

Sylvia: What right? - The right of a fiancee.

Charlie and I became engaged last night.

- What? - What?

[clatters]

[clatters]

Charlie: I can't seem to find the earring back here.

You see, my child, shortly after Charlie proposed to you

last night, he threw a whacking big party

to announce his engagement.

His engagement to Sylvia, that is, not to you.

Perhaps he's planning on another party for your engagement later.

Charlie.

Is that true?

Yes.

It's true.

You were engaged?

All the time you were kissing me,

telling me you loved me,

you were engaged to somebody else?

Yes. No. I mean, no. I-- I was and I wasn't.

Yes and no. Was and wasn't.

Of all the contemptible--

You are the worst--

I never wanna see you again.

Oh, you're a terrible, terrible man.

Julie.

I found your shoes.

Oh, where were they?

In the icebox.

Oh, yeah.

This has been, all in all, a memorable day.

If my luck holds out, I should get hit by a truck

on the way home.

I couldn't sleep a wink last night.

Really?

Yeah, I kept thinking that...

oh, thinking that...

I was struggling with myself.

Who won?

Well, three things kept me up.

First, I-- I couldn't let you marry Charlie.

Well, that's taken care of.

Two?

You remember yesterday when I told you

you shouldn't marry Charlie,

you asked me if I had any other ideas?

- Yeah. - Well, I have.

I love you, Sylvia.

I think I've loved you from the first moment I saw you.

I want you to marry me.

What was the third thing that kept you up?

Oh, how to tell Ethel.

I've gotta write her a long letter.

Wouldn't it be more manly to tell her face to face?

That would be too manly.

Well, there's always the telephone.

Right now?

What better time? Sunday.

Night rates apply all day.

Are you laughing at me?

No, not at all.

Alright.

Alright, I'll call her right now.

Oh.

[chuckles] We forgot.

Danny Fitzpatrick cut it.

Well, what about the drugstore on the corner?

Nothing but phones.

And if you haven't got enough quarters,

you can always reverse the charges.

- Well, yeah, but, uh-- - What's the matter, Joe?

You wanna marry me but not enough

to take that walk to the drugstore?

Oh, it isn't that, but a thing like this,

right out of the blue...

I don't want to shock Ethel.

You see, Ethel thinks I love her.

But you do.

Joe.

Darling...

shall I tell you something?

You think you love me because I'm so much like Ethel.

You, like Ethel?

I want wall-to-wall carpeting and French provincial furniture

and a house full of kids, all with good straight teeth.

What did you think?

Moonbeams? Candlelight suppers?

Cloud number seven?

Joe, you know what you've got?

You've got the married man's dream.

You want a girl.

That's what you all want, a girl.

And that's what you can never have because...

the only way to have a girl is not to marry her,

because then she becomes a wife.

That's something entirely different.

No, Sylvia, you-- you'd be different.

Joe, ask me one more question.

Ask me if I love you.

I like you, Joe.

I like you very much...

but I don't love you.

On behalf of the visiting fireman from Indiana,

I thank you.

She slammed the taxi door on my hand.

Well, I guess it's your turn now, Sylvia.

Well...

Charlie, there are some girls who might say

that ours was not the most romantic engagement on record.

There are some girls who might even say that...

our entire courtship left something to be desired.

As a matter of fact, I'm one of those girls.

What can I say, Sylvia?

To say I'm sorry would just merely be adding

insult to injury.

So what can I say? That I'm the heel of all time?

Well, it might make you happy to know that right now

I'm the unhappiest heel of all time.

I know you are, Charlie.

And I'm sorry, not happy.

Sylvia, you're probably the most wonderful woman on this earth

or any other earth.

I agree.

It's just my tough luck that I didn't fall in love with you

and marry you and let you make me happy.

I had to fall in love with Julie.

I love her. She's nuts, but I love her.

Then don't you settle for anyone but Julie.

Don't you be satisfied with second best.

I know one thing.

There will be no second best for me anymore.

I'm gonna find me an honest-to-goodness guy

who's looking for an honest-to-goodness girl.

Somewhere in this great city, there must be one.

Oh.

Thank you for a lovely engagement.

[doorbell buzzes]

Oh, I'm sorry to bust in, but I think this belongs to you.

Someone threw it up to my terrace last night.

Look, whoever you are, I-- I've got enough trouble as it is.

No, look, I'm not angry, I'd just like to suggest

that the next time you throw a party, you invite me.

I love brawls.

Hello.

Well, you boys won't have to go out to dinner tonight.

Bye, Charlie.

So long, fireman.

So long, Sylvia.

Thanks.

Where the blazes were you 12 years ago?

- Excuse me. - Oh.

I, uh, I guess you can't expect too much service on Sunday.

Oh.

Don't you play on NBC?

Oh, yes.

That's where I remember you from.

- Oh? - I never miss a telecast.

You mean you recognize me from the telecasts?

Uh-huh. Violin section.

But they only cut to us maybe three or four times

during a program.

You forget you're the only woman in the section.

Oh.

And a most decorative one, too, if I may say so.

Thank you. I see no reason why you shouldn't.

Tell me, the next concert's on Wednesday, isn't it?

Yes.

I think this time I'm gonna buy a ticket.

Uh, do you know the question about bearded people?

I mean, do they sleep with it under or over the covers?

Well, I've often wondered about musicians.

Oh.

Uh, do they eat before or after a concert?

Because I was wondering if after the concert on Wednesday...

- Where are you going? - Home.

Indianapolis. Gateway to the West.

- Leave me here alone? - Alone?

In the morning, your phone will be fixed.

By sunset, you'll be knee-deep

in whitefish and rare Wisconsin cheeses.

[sighs] I don't want whitefish

and I don't want rare Wisconsin cheese.

Nor do I want Poppy or Jessica or Miss Snr.

I just want Julie.

Do you know my idea of heaven now, Joe?

What?

To be so much in love with a girl

and have her love you so much that you wouldn't think

of taking a vacation from each other for 11 years.

Eleven years.

I got a dog in there who's got the straightest teeth.

Doesn't need any wiring.

They don't even need brushing.

Would you swap that for your kids, Joe?

No, not unless you threw in Fort Knox or something.

Well, you know what I mean.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

Well, I better rush if I'm gonna catch the 3 o'clock.

Couldn't you at least stay and have dinner with me?

I'd like to, but, uh,

that wouldn't get me in till 1 o'clock.

I don't want Ethel driving out to the airport

at that hour.

Well, she wouldn't have to. You could take a cab.

[chuckles] Yeah, but she likes picking me up.

Come to think of it, I like being picked up.

Yeah, I guess you better make the 3 o'clock.

So long, sport. Thanks for everything.

Goodbye, Joe.

Give my love to the family.

Okay. You write now. You hear?

How long you figure it will be till I see you again, Joe?

Oh, about 11 years.

[chuckles]

So long, pal.

Forgot Ethel and the kids.

[instrumental music]

Pierre Hotel. Quick as you can.

- I'm late for a wedding. - Okay.

Drop this luggage at 600 East 57th Street, will you?

Alright.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Oh.

[instrumental music]

[guests chuckling]

[music continues]

Julie... will you marry me?

Why?

Well, because I love you.

- Oh? - Yes, I love you.

And...

Well, tomorrow morning you could pick me up at the apartment--

- I could what? - Go down to the license bureau.

Uh, that is, I mean,

I'll pick you up and we could go to the license bureau

and be married and then have a baby and...

and have another baby in the country and...

Oh, Julie.

[instrumental music]

♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪

♪ And suddenly your sighing sighs ♪

♪ You're thinking nothing's wrong ♪

♪ You string along, boy, then snap! ♪

[scatting]

♪ You wonder how it all came about ♪

♪ It's too late now there's no getting out ♪

♪ You fell in love ♪

♪ And love is ♪

♪ The tender trap ♪

[music continues]