Original subtitles

Potential problem.

The previous

owner of Lot 48,

Norquist Properties,

is claiming

the government screwed them

by illegally seizing the land.

I know about this issue.

I called the city attorney,

like, 50 times.

He didn't call me back.

Do you need a lawyer?

Because my friend

Justin's a lawyer.

I'm sure he could help.

That'd be terrific.

Yeah. I'll call him.

Justin's the greatest

guy ever.

"The greatest guy ever"?

But does he

dress this well?

Brooks Brothers. Bought

it right off the mannequin.

Ron Swanson?

That's me.

My name is

George MacFayden.

I wanted to talk to you

about the amount of

snow in the parks.

I've been getting

a lot of visitors recently,

thanks to a stupid

and worthless new push

to make government officials

more accessible to the public.

There is a disturbing lack

of benches in Ramsett Park!

I want to sit more!

And another thing I like

is the layout of the

hiking trails.

I made this in one of

your pottery classes.

It's terrible.

This is my hell.

Hey.

All right.

So, Tom, here's your

chicken Caesar salad,

no dressing, no cheese,

no croutons, no taste.

And no carbs.

And for you, madam,

the Leslie Knope.

Thank you.

I cannot

believe the cafeteria

named a sandwich after you.

That is so cool.

Isn't it?

Salami on pumpernickel

with olive juice and

extra iceberg.

It was the only sandwich on

the board that wasn't named.

I just wish I liked it.

So, how are you

feeling about the

whole Dave situation?

I really miss him.

Yeah, I'm just trying

to enjoy the memories.

That's a sweet picture.

I know, isn't it?

I asked the police department

if I could have it, and

they said no.

So I stole it.

I have an idea. Why don't

you let me set you up?

I don't know.

It feels a little too soon.

I'm telling you, this is

the best way to get over

someone.

Just get back

on that horse.

Yeah, maybe.

I feel sorry

for Leslie.

It's really hard to end

a relationship because

of distance.

Although, that's pretty

much why I broke up with Andy.

He lived way too close to me.

Wow, 12:15!

You're early today.

April, there's no

paper in the printer.

So?

So that's the one thing

you do.

Attention.

April, stop doing that.

Jerry told me to,

so it's super crucial.

More important than that

and more important than

anything

in this godforsaken world

is finding me an assistant.

You get an assistant now?

Yeah, I've always been able to

have one, but I've turned

it down

'cause it's a waste of money.

In the eight years I've been

at the job,

I've saved the taxpayers of

this city more than 150 grand.

But now, I need

the taxpayers' money to

save me from the taxpayers.

Post this at your college.

This looks like

an ad for nothing.

Please be careful with it,

it's my only copy.

Leslie?

Ann's friend, Justin.

Hey, yeah, of course! Hi.

Thank you. Thank you for

coming in.

It's my pleasure.

Not a problem.

Yeah. Have a seat.

I should warn you, land

seizure isn't really

my specialty,

but I'm happy

to take a look.

Any friend of Ann's...

Is a friend of mine!

Yeah.

That's my motto, too.

So, what is your specialty?

Is it

locking up the bad guys, or

keeping them on the streets?

Neither. It's civil

litigation, mostly.

That's interesting.

It can be.

I've got this crazy case.

Have you

ever heard of this

product, "Fire in a Can"?

I love those commercials.

If you

wanna start a fire,

but you have to

do it fast, then...

Yeah. Well,

you shouldn't buy it.

It'll literally

burn your hand

clean off.

Oh, wow.

It is an aerosol can

with an igniter and

a trigger.

It's essentially a blowtorch,

and if you can believe it,

it was invented to

warm up baby bottles.

This is my colleague,

Tom Haverford.

Tom. Justin.

How are you?

You are wearing

the hell out of

that suit, sir.

Banana two-button.

Yeah.

Okay, let's go

into the conference room.

I've got everything laid out.

We should talk later.

Tom, stop.

You are very organized,

Leslie.

Yeah, I am. Thank you.

I love what you do.

You have the coolest job.

Let me guess.

This is our park.

I want to know

everything about this.

Okay. Well, these green

things represent trees.

I come in,

like, two hours late

because I had

to finish watching

Swimfan because it was on,

and everyone, like,

jumped down my throat.

Man.

I can't wait till

my internship is over

so I can get the hell

out of here.

Well, you're all set.

Free of charge, of course.

Hey, why don't you

sell your band's CDs here?

That is a brilliant idea.

I cannot believe

I didn't think of that.

I have been

writing a lot of songs

about shining shoes lately.

I tend to write about

what I'm doing.

Talking about writing

about what I'm doing

Now I'm singing

about talking about

writing about what I'm doing

Of course,

I'm gonna have to take

a closer look at these things,

but my gut's telling me

this is not gonna be

a big deal.

Companies make bogus

claims like this

all the time.

I think you're

gonna be just fine.

Thank you so much.

I know you're really busy.

Please, my pleasure.

At least this stuff is

interesting, you know?

You know,

it actually reminds me,

two years ago, I was in

Borneo officiating a wedding,

and this enormous

medicine man showed up

and he was there

to basically tell...

Justin!

Hey, kiddo! How you doing?

Hey!

I'm good.

I haven't seen

you in forever!

I know!

It's so good to see you.

You, too.

Do you want to

grab some dinner?

I would love to. I cannot.

I am swamped.

You're always so busy.

Yeah.

Next week, I promise.

Okay.

Hey, I'm Mark.

Sorry!

Hey, Mark.

Justin, this is Mark.

This is the city planner.

Oh, my God! It's such

a pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure.

Anyway, Leslie, I have to go.

It has been a super pleasure

meeting you.

I am gonna get into

this over the weekend,

and I will

get back to you

on Monday about it.

Okay. Great.

All right.

See you, Justin!

Okay, Tom. Good seeing you.

I've been thinking. It has

been a while since Dave left,

and I think I might be

ready to start dating again.

That's great!

You know,

I was only with

Mark for one night,

and then I was

hung up on him

for six years.

I dated Dave

for three months, so

if I continue that pattern,

I won't be over him for...

Five hundred years.

What is your ideal man?

He has the

brains of George Clooney

in the body of Joe Biden.

Interesting.

That's a high, weird bar.

Okay. Just off the bat,

there's a couple of doctors

I think you would love.

Actually,

I was thinking...

What about Justin?

I mean, I feel like

we kind of hit it

off in there.

No, I don't...

I just don't know if

that would be the

right fit.

No? Is there

something wrong with him?

No, no, he's great.

He's really,

really, really great, and

you're so great, obviously.

I just...

I don't know. It's hard...

I can't... I can't put...

What is it, though?

I don't know, it's just...

I don't think it would be...

I think it would. No?

No, I really don't.

I'm sorry! I don't...

Don't be sorry.

I mean, if you think

it wasn't gonna work, or...

But I will find you someone,

I promise, and he'll be

awesome.

I'm gonna go do it right now.

Good, great, yes!

Go, Ann, go!

Just one rule.

I don't want

to date a twin,

'cause I've been

tricked before.

Okay.

Yes. I understand your

complaint.

I have to go now.

Please. Thank you.

Ron Solo!

Hello, Tom.

Okay. I want to help you

with your assistant search.

Why?

Just want to do

my boy Ron a solid.

I know exactly

what you're looking for,

and I will find

you a reliable person.

Okay. Sounds good.

How do you know that was

a member of the public,

and not just a friend?

Yeah, my friends know that I

have a strict no call policy.

Now get out there

and find me an assistant.

Okay.

I left you three messages.

Did you get them?

No, I've been running

around all day. What's up?

I found the perfect guy to

set you up with, but he's

going out of town,

so he can only do tonight,

so I came over here

right after work.

Is that his blood?

What? Damn, now

I have to go back.

Who is he?

His name is Chris

and he's an MRI technician,

and he's really cute, and

he's very passionate

about his job,

and I told

him all about you, and

he's really interested.

So, dinner tonight,

and here's the info.

Thanks! Wait!

How's he gonna know it's me?

I'll wear a red rose

in my hair.

No, I'll wear

a giant red hat.

No, I don't have one of those.

What should I wear?

It's gotta be red.

I will

just tell him

what you look like.

Good call.

Hi. I'm Leslie.

Are you Chris?

Yeah.

Sorry I'm late.

Don't worry about it.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Here, let me

take your coat.

Thanks.

Sure.

Well done, Ann.

I actually heard that.

What?

Well, I went to Wisconsin

for both undergrad and

grad school.

Go Badgers!

Boo! Indiana Hoosiers!

No. Badgers.

It's not important.

I'm just glad that we

could make this happen.

Ann kept

going on about

how wonderful you are,

and I just had

to see for myself.

Well, she's my

number-one best friend.

I wish she'd told me that you

went to Indiana, but whatever.

So, you're in charge

of amusement parks,

right?

God, that's exciting!

Actually,

it's regular parks.

Like swings and slides

and stuff.

Strike two.

You know, isn't

it funny how these setups

are always just so awkward?

Why would you say that?

I don't...

I don't know.

They're not. Forget it.

Way to go, Chris.

Did I just make

it awkward?

No, no. You didn't.

Well, yeah, you kinda did.

Let's just start from

the beginning, I guess.

Hey, watch this.

I will now extinguish

this candle with my

bare hand.

Okay.

That really hurt!

Are you okay?

Oh, God! It looked so

much easier on the Internet.

God, I gotta

borrow some of your ice!

Oh, no thanks.

I'm not thirsty.

What? German? Oh, my God.

All right, later.

Who was that, Justin?

Yeah, we're

having lunch tomorrow.

Oh, get out.

How long have

you known him?

Forever. He practically

saved my life.

He was like,

the only cool dude

at my high school.

Awesome.

Did you guys ever date?

No. We never did.

He's just, like,

a really amazing person.

Let's do this!

Yes.

Marley and Me!

Let's do it.

Puppies, puppies, puppies!

I know.

Let's watch

Marley and Me.

Brian.

Technically,

you'd be assisting Ron,

but Ron really doesn't

do much government work,

so you'd really

be working for me.

I see your resume here.

Education, excellent.

Awesome professional

experience.

But I don't care.

I'm interested in

real world expertise.

I got a nightclub

opening to go to.

Which tie do I wear?

I like the one on the left.

That was a trick question.

The answer's this one.

I didn't even know

that one existed.

I had high hopes when

I saw your plum "V" neck.

But those hopes

have been dashed.

You can leave.

You ever see that movie,

The Matrix?

Yeah?

Ninety-nine percent real.

So, do you enjoy it,

being an MRI technician?

Great question.

Someone steps into the room.

Imagine a mother of three,

maybe she's a teacher.

She knows something's wrong,

but she doesn't know

what it is.

She's scared.

In less than an hour,

I know what it is.

What's wrong with her?

I don't know.

But the best part about

being an MRI technician is,

I can see inside everything.

See that guy over there?

Imagine being able to

look inside his head.

Wow.

I know.

I mean, you could just

look inside this steak or you

could look inside this butter

or these potatoes,

or this candle or this beer,

or this flower or this bread.

You can look

inside anything.

Well, if you look inside

this bread, all you're

gonna find is more bread.

I don't know.

I'd have to do an MRI.

Look.

This...

It's just bread in there.

Yeah, but what's inside

that bread? Could be cheese.

Anyway, it's good that

you found your calling.

I mean, I've never

even had an MRI before.

What?

I don't know about this.

Well, I'm offering you

a free scan.

It usually costs up

to $2,000.

I'm kind of

spoiling you here.

Well, I am a little curious.

Good.

Frankly, I don't want

to invest in someone who

only has three months to live.

I'm treating this as

an adventure. Who knows?

Maybe someday we'll

tell our grandkids about

how weird our first date was,

and how creepy

their grandfather was.

Try not to smile too much.

It'll affect the diagnosis.

Well,

hopefully there'll

be nothing to diagnose.

Sometimes smiling

is read as "AIDS."

You're not on your period,

are you?

No. Does that matter?

Well, not for this.

Okay. It's gonna be

a little crammed in there.

Don't worry,

I'll be right on the

other side of that glass.

Scenario!

I meet a girl at a bar.

She seems kind of into me,

could go either way.

I get her number.

It's two days later,

what do I text her?

It was nice meeting you?

No, Zack.

I don't text her,

"It was nice meeting you."

I wait eight weeks and

I text her, "What's cracking?"

Your resume's

very impressive,

but tell me about you.

Tell me about your friends.

Be as superficial as possible.

Just your basic

assistant stuff.

Taking messages,

wake-up calls,

bottle service at the

Snakehole Lounge,

condom runs,

covering for me in any

legally dicey situations.

I'm sorry.

What do I get out of this?

Connections.

Plus 19 grand a year,

minus my 10% headhunters' fee.

I have to pay you

two grand if I get hired?

I have a job to offer.

In the

immortal words

of Rod Blagojevich,

"It's a

valuable thing.

"You just don't give

it away for nothing."

All right, Leslie.

You're gonna start

hearing some loud noises

and see some

flashing lights.

Okay.

So you never told

me where you're from.

I'm from Pawnee.

Keep still, please.

And you said that your mom

works in government, too,

is that right?

Yes, she does.

You gotta keep still.

No talking, Leslie.

What kind of

music do you like?

Can I answer that?

Sure. Keep still.

All kinds.

Very important

that you keep still

at this moment, Leslie.

I've told you

that a thousand times.

Did you ever break your arm?

You can answer that. Here,

I'll turn it off.

One time I was on my bike

and some boys were making

fun of me,

so I chased them

and I lost control.

I'm surprised

you can see that.

It was, like, three years ago.

I can't believe I turned

the machine off for that.

You never had any kids,

right, Leslie?

No.

You've got a great oven.

Okay, time to go.

You got ample room in there.

Honestly, if you wanted to,

you could go triplets

right off the bat, Leslie.

You got a big,

industrial-sized oven.

So we're done, right?

Sorry. I gotta get that.

Hey! How's the date going?

Good! We just

finished the MRI.

What?

Look, I know I said that

I wanted to get back out

there, but this guy is nuts.

I don't mean to

offend you, you know?

I know he's your friend.

No, I'm not

offended at all.

I don't know him that well.

Why would you think he'd

be perfect for me, then?

Well, he seemed great.

I'm sorry, Les. I'll find

you somebody else, okay?

Just don't let this

sour you on dating.

Like, what you're doing is

really healthy, so keep

the faith, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Hey! No cell phones!

Don't touch that.

Sorry.

Just take your hands off it.

What was that about?

I set Leslie up on a date.

I don't think

it's going that well.

Oh, no. With Justin?

Oh, no. This guy

I know from the hospital.

Why wouldn't you

set her up with Justin?

I don't really

see them together.

You know?

Plus, Leslie just got

out of a relationship,

so I didn't want Justin to be,

like, her rebound guy or

anything, you know?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Leslie is

a notoriously cruel

and thoughtless person.

Why are we

talking about this?

We're not.

What do you see?

Well, it actually

all looks pretty good.

You've got a large brain.

Thank you.

Yeah. Well,

it looks pretty...

Hang on.

That's weird.

What? What's weird?

Your brain.

See that shadow right there?

Oh, my God!

What? Is that bad?

I don't know.

I'd have a doctor look

at that immediately if

I were you.

Are you serious?

Wait.

It's, like,

a smudge or something.

We almost wheeled you

out of here in a chair.

Shall we go?

Yeah, we should go.

Can you imagine

if you had to spend

the rest of your life

sipping a steak

through a straw?

That almost

happened to you.

You were a smudge away.

Thank God I was here.

Looks like

we make a pretty good team.

I'm sorry, but there's

just something weird about

the way you talk about him.

I don't know.

There was definitely

times when we thought

maybe we would

go out someday.

That's why you

didn't set Leslie up.

Because you're saving him.

No, I'm not.

Oh, yeah, you are.

Okay, fine.

You don't have someone

in your life that you think,

"I don't know,

maybe if things were

different, maybe, some day..."

If I'm late for

dinner one night, you're

gonna dump me for Dustin?

No, no. Justin.

Justin?

Absolutely not.

But if we break up,

or you die tragically in

a city planning accident

and I wait a respectful amount

of time, I don't know.

Maybe...

You know what?

You can't save somebody for

the future while you're in

a relationship.

Even I know that.

So, did you want to

go back to your place?

Yeah, actually, Chris,

it was nice to meet you, but

I think this is gonna be our

last date.

I get it. Get your

MRI and get out, huh?

This was your idea.

Clever lady.

I guess I'm not as good

a tech as I thought I was.

I should have noticed

that you're missing a heart.

Ew.

Goodbye, Leslie.

Right. I drove us here.

Goodie.

Hey, do you mind if we pick up

my son Nate at his basketball

game on the way back?

So, how was the big date?

Well, the good news is

I don't have cancer.

The bad news is I got

an MRI bill for $2,000.

That sounds hot.

I just don't understand why

the hell Ann thought we'd

be a good fit.

Oh, you slept together?

What? Not sexually. God,

what's wrong with you, Tom?

This a bad time?

No! Come on in.

Justin!

What's up, brother?

Should we...

Yeah, let's do.

See you, dude.

See you around, brother.

Dope pea coat.

I have the same one

in an extra small.

Andy, can I talk

to you for a second?

Well, well, well. Look

who's bothering who now?

Seems like the shoe

is on the other foot.

And the guy who

polishes shoes

is now me.

What up?

What can I do for ya?

When you were dating Ann,

did you know this

guy Justin?

Justin. I hate Justin.

Ann was so obviously

into him.

It was so annoying.

Right.

I would say in terms of guys

that she's in love with,

Justin's up here,

I'm up here, and

then you're down here.

Well, I just wanted to

make sure that I wasn't crazy.

So, naturally, I came

to you for reassurance.

Do me a favor, don't tell

Ann that we talked

about this.

Will do.

Ann Perkins!

You should be

ashamed of yourself.

What you're doing

to Mark is not cool.

Why are you guys

talking to each other?

You know what? Forget it.

I'm not getting

into this with you.

You did something wrong?

Yeah.

No! I didn't do

anything wrong.

Come here. This is

none of your business.

You don't know what

you're talking about.

Actually, I do know

what I'm talking about.

Every time

I used to sit around all

afternoon playing video games,

wearing only my slippers,

all of a sudden

I would start to

feel bad about myself.

And do you know why?

Didn't you just explain why?

I would feel bad about myself

because I would start to

think about this perfect guy.

Anytime you would talk about

Justin, I didn't feel very

important.

That was rough.

Well, I didn't know that.

Maybe if you had,

I wouldn't have left.

But you do know now,

so you have to choose.

It's either me or Justin.

I'm not gonna choose.

Wait. I'm dating Mark!

Are you, though?

Yes.

That close.

Wow! This is really good.

"Cease and desist."

"Burden of proof."

Very forceful language.

I'm a little scared.

Check out paragraph two.

I drop the F-bomb.

"Frivolous." Excellent.

Definitely have the

city attorney look

at that,

but that should be

enough to do the trick.

Well, Justin, I just...

I can't thank you enough.

It's my pleasure. Maybe

I'll see you around sometime.

Yeah! I would love...

I'll see you.

Okay.

Bye.

Damn! He is all right.

Why don't you hit that?

Well, frankly,

I would like to hit that,

but Ann's being

a little weird

about it.

Maybe she's got him on hold.

What do you mean?

Ronald, I've done it.

I've found your assistant,

and he's dope.

His name is Jean-Ralphio.

Jean-Ralphio!

Big T.

What up?

Mr. Swanson, two things.

One, it is an absolute

honor to meet you.

Two, who is that hot

intern chick out there?

Because honestly, damn!

Take a seat.

Right. Here we go.

So, Jean-Ralphio...

You got him right here.

Leave a message after

the beep.

Why do I want you

as my assistant?

For starters,

access to the illest clubs.

And that's

just for starters.

I will work for you.

I'll be on you 24/7.

I'll be like your family.

I'm here when you

get here in the morning.

Sure enough,

I'll be there tucking

you into bed at night.

Don't worry,

it's not gay.

Do we have questions?

I think our

only question is,

when can you start?

Right now, let's do it!

Thank you for coming in.

We will talk.

Cool. I feel good

about this.

And, you know, you can hit me

up on Facebook anytime,

day or night.

You know that, right?

Take care, buddy.

So what do you think

of your new assistant?

I want to punch you in

the face so bad right now.

What? Okay.

Message received.

I'll keep looking.

Thank you. Bring me

the opposite of him.

Tell me

what Ann did wrong.

Please. I need to know.

Nothing, it's

none of my business.

What kind of music is this?

It's rock and roll,

my friend.

The kind that sticks

in your brain.

Loud, fast, smooth,

handsome rock.

That band is really blowing up

right now. They're number one

on iTunes.

Okay. I'll take one.

You are amazing!

I like when you

hang out here.

I want to be

your assistant.

Really? You hate it here.

So do you. I'll make sure

you don't have to go to

any meetings.

If anyone

comes to see you,

I'll scare them away.

Wait, April,

if you had to choose

between these two ties...

You're hired.

I just figured

I might as well get

paid for being here.

Hi.

Hey! I was just calling you.

Here.

This is

a prescription

for Denise Dogan.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I'm so out of sorts.

Here.

Porter's Grill at 7:00.

Justin's gonna

meet you there.

I'm sorry Chris

was such a jerk.

You deserve

way better than that.

If this situation is

weird or if you feel weird...

It's not weird.

You guys will really

like each other.

Thanks.

I gotta run.

I have another stop

on the pride-swallowing

tour of City Hall.

Go get him.

That's where

I never find things.

Hey.

Hi, Ann.

So, I just set up

Justin and Leslie.

And I'm sorry.

I rented District 9,

if you maybe wanted

to spoil that for

me tonight.

Oh, my God!

Dark ending, right?

I'm back on the horse,

and this horse is a lawyer,

so I'm looking forward

to riding him. No, wait.

Ten months ago,

she was an intern who could

give a C-R-A-P about local

government.

Now, she's our newest

employee. To April!

Cheers!

Yay!

Jerry, come and celebrate!

No, thanks.

Well, everybody,

let's get back to work.

Where are you going?

I want to talk to Ron

about the size of my desk.

Jerry, you have to

schedule an appointment.

Okay. How about now?

Ron's not here.

He's right there.

I can see him.

I'll let you know

when he's available.

Attagirl.