Original subtitles

We now go live to

Councilman Bill Dexhart,

who's giving

a press conference

about his sex scandal.

You are getting a rare

glimpse at this exclusive,

government-only event.

Each December,

one department

puts on a show

that spoofs what

happened in our town.

Prepare to laugh your Asnov!

Sid Asnov is a former city

councilman. Some of the jokes

are sort of inside.

Councilman Dexhart,

you're involved in

yet another scandal?

That's crazier

than Mayor

Gunderson's dog, Rufus.

Yes, there is a new one,

and it's a doozie.

I don't want to go

into the details,

but let me just say

that it involves

multiple women,

a love child,

nurses, rabbis, priests...

Hey!

Well,

I hope you can all join me

at my fundraiser tonight.

I am being supported,

of course, by the Glitter

Factory and 1-800-Mattress.

Classic!

Pawnee is a city

that ain't very pretty

And good government

is our goal

We may not be big

And our mayor wears a wig

But at least

the raccoon infestation

is under control

It's the most

wonderful time

in Pawnee

Lot 48 was

once a horrible

and disgusting pit,

and now it's the site

of Pawnee's

Winter Wonderland.

This could not

be more perfect

if I had planned it myself.

Which I did.

And it's awesome.

So, let's talk skedge, guys.

The kids are gonna

come at 9:00 a.m.

on Saturday,

and everyone's gonna do

Santa for two hours,

so I would just

advise everyone,

before you get

in your costume,

to go to the bathroom,

so we can avoid what

happened last year.

It was just farts.

6:00 p.m., caroling

with the youth choir,

and I am proud to announce,

for the first time ever

this year,

our tree lighting ceremony

will be simulcast

on Internet radio.

Thank you.

That's a really big deal.

It is. Thank you.

Listening to

that tree lighting

is gonna be dope.

Okay. Any questions,

direct them to me.

Dismissed.

Hey, there was a message

for you on the work voicemail.

Councilman Dexhart wants to

meet with you at 9:00 p.m.,

the Boardwalk Lounge.

Shut up.

No.

I'm not scared.

I got nothing

to apologize for.

I could've been

a lot harder on him.

He got off easy.

And often. Thank you,

I'll be here all week!

You gotta tell me

about him. I don't know

anything about him.

Okay. He's 23,

he's kind of my boyfriend,

he's gay.

Last year we got drunk

and he took me

to the Ice Capades,

and I didn't

get him anything.

And he's gay?

Yeah.

Brokeback Mountain DVD.

No.

Fellows love that.

No.

Does he already have,

like, chaps?

Like assless chaps?

You know what? Forget it.

Okay. Why are you asking me?

Because... I don't know.

There's no one else to ask.

At least you're

kind of young.

All right,

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna think about it.

Through

the course of all day,

I'm gonna mull it over.

It's all I'm gonna

think about,

but you're in good hands.

I'm gonna come

up with something

really, really good.

Really? All right.

Yeah.

You got that?

Yeah.

Councilman Dexhart?

I'm Leslie Knope.

Thank you

for meeting me.

It's my pleasure.

I am assuming this is

about my performance

in the Government

Follies last night.

I'd just like to say

that I have

nothing to apologize for,

except for perhaps

being too incisive.

I don't want

you to apologize.

I want to know

who told you.

Who told me?

Mmm-hmm.

Nobody.

Nobody told me nothing!

What are we talking about?

Based on that skit,

I know you heard

about the new scandal

that's about to break.

Who told you?

Was it the babysitter?

Was it the nurse

who delivered

our love child?

What?

All right,

stop playing dumb.

You know damn well

what happened.

I got the babysitter

pregnant,

then when she was

in the delivery room,

I had sex with not one,

but four nurses

in a supply closet,

as well as a woman

whose husband was getting

a liver transplant. Mmm.

Now, which one of them

told you?

Was it the liver lady?

Well, I...

No one... I haven't...

I haven't heard any of this,

ever, in my whole life.

Oh!

Believe me,

I would have

remembered this.

Okay. Well, in that case,

everything I just told you

was just a funny prank.

Oh! Hi!

How was your meeting?

It was fine.

Pretty straightforward.

Short meeting.

He's a busy guy.

Yes, very busy.

Look at this article.

No!

What the...

The story of this story

is that it won't

stop developing.

The mystery woman who met

with Councilman Dexhart

last night

appears to be

a government employee

named Leslie Norp.

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

According to unconfirmed

reports in the Pawnee Sun,

the two bent an elbow

at this local watering hole,

and although they

left separately,

no one knows where

they woke up together.

Perd Hapley,

Channel Four News.

All I did was

write and perform

in one amazing skit.

Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun.

It's a tabloid.

Nobody else has

written about it.

Yeah, no one

believes that garbage.

Nobody even reads

that thing.

Leslie! What?

Nice work, girl.

Oh, God! How do I fight back?

Give me some options.

Do you want me to

seduce Perd Hapley?

How would that help?

I don't know. I just

want to see if I can do it.

April, I appreciate that,

but I don't think

it's something

worth losing

your virginity over.

Leslie, I don't know

if this is important or not,

but I have heard

a lot of very,

very interesting chatter

around the shoeshine

stand today.

Oh, my God! Really?

What have you heard?

A lot of things.

Like, "Can you believe it?"

and, "The Parks

lady boned Dexhart,"

and, "Of course she did,

she's totally good to go."

And one guy was like,

"I wouldn't hit that."

And the other guy

was like, "Me neither."

And then this third

guy was like, "I would."

So I don't know if

that's helpful at all.

Well, keep your ear

to the ground.

Okay. I'll just...

I'm not gonna let

these people intimidate me.

I'm gonna do my job.

I would be lying if I

said that I never thought

I would be involved in

an incident like this.

Except I always assumed

that I would be

the politician

and the man would be accused

of sleeping with me.

And that man would

be the vice president,

and I would be the president.

Okay, all right.

Well, you look good.

You need to put

some tights on, though,

and I want you to make

sure you keep your

neckline nice and high.

Leslie Knope?

Alexa Softcastle,

Pawnee Sun.

Can I ask you

a few questions?

Don't say anything.

I'm not afraid to

say anything. Okay?

I have nothing to hide.

I'd never even met

Councilman Dexhart

before yesterday,

and that's all I'm gonna

say about the matter.

Some people are saying

this isn't the first time

that you've had sex

with a married councilman.

Who's saying that?

Some people.

Okay. This

interview is over.

Go home, lay low.

The truth will come out.

I can't! I have

too much work to do.

This department is not gonna

deputy-direct itself.

I think we can manage.

Just give me your schedule

and we'll cover for you.

Okay. I've made copies

of Leslie's

daily work schedule,

so we'll just

split into teams,

and each team will take...

Damn, 10 items,

and we'll knock this out.

I swear to you,

I never even met

the guy before last night.

It's okay.

I believe you.

You do?

'Course. I think I

know you pretty well,

and that doesn't

sound like you.

Thank you.

If I ever see that guy,

I'm gonna punch him

right in the face.

Yeah, that's sweet.

Use your nightstick.

Which meeting is this?

Reorganization of

Local Auditing Systems.

Kill me.

Right.

First order of business.

Leslie? Where's Leslie?

Oh, um, I gave her

the day off, Paul.

Thought that was best.

Oh, yeah. That's good.

So you'll be making

the presentation then, Ron?

Yep. Yes.

Hey, so,

that kind of brings us to what

I wanted to talk to you about.

I... You know my

Army reserve unit?

We got called up

to active duty.

I ship out in four days.

Oh, my God!

Where you going?

San Diego.

Oh, my God!

It's not dangerous.

It's mostly maintenance.

But I'm going for,

like, a year.

Maybe 18 months.

And I was kind of hoping

that maybe you'd

want to come with me.

Like, on a permanent

type basis.

Well, I don't know,

it's kind of

a weird question.

I mean, I joined

to put myself

through college,

and it's...

I'm just a desk jockey,

but it's still...

It's rewarding.

So, yeah, I guess I'm

in love with the Army.

Oh, Leslie? Well, yeah. Yeah,

that makes a lot more sense.

Yeah, I'm definitely

in love with Leslie.

That's affirmative.

I know this seems

kind of fast, but I feel

like we got something here.

I do, too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You don't have to

answer right away.

Well, you kind of do.

I mean, I need to know soon.

Wow!

Yeah.

Are you gonna go?

This whole Dexhart thing

is not making me feel very

attached to Pawnee right now.

San Diego. Jeez.

Yeah.

You could learn

how to surf.

I know how to surf.

I took lessons

when I was a kid.

I'm actually pretty good.

I bet you are.

I would miss

Leslie like crazy.

Aw!

All right, sorted out

that payroll issue,

this is done.

"Bring a case of beer

to Sanitation." Why?

Let's skip that one.

They can buy

their own beer.

I'm getting hungry.

Let's get something

to eat.

Hey, have you figured out

what you're getting Ann

for Christmas?

Oh, I got her a pretty

great computer bag.

Yeah?

That's a terrible gift.

No, no, Tom, she needs one.

She mentioned it to

me two months ago,

and I wrote it down.

That's what's called

being an amazing boyfriend.

Have you seen Ann?

You know how hot she is?

Men give women of that caliber

speedboats, private jets,

not computer bags.

Okay. What do you

think I should get her?

Diamonds. Can't go

wrong with diamonds.

Diamonds?

There isn't a woman alive

who doesn't love diamonds.

Even the super left-wing

chicks that saw

Blood Diamond and cried,

when they get a diamond,

they're like,

"Yeah, bitch,

give me more of

them blood diamonds!

"Make them extra bloody."

Trust me.

We are here

looking at a videotape.

This is back in April 2005.

We're looking at

Councilman Dexhart...

Leslie, you should see this.

...and he's now

about to shake hands

with Leslie Knope,

the alleged sex toy.

Oh, for cripes sake!

Look at the way

she's smiling at him.

Mmm-hmm.

And then almost

unconsciously touching

her hands to her hips.

See that? Right there.

It's like she's sending him

a message that she's ready

for childbearing.

Wow.

In a 24-hour

news cycle,

the tiniest story

gets dissected

over and over again.

In 2004,

a kid from Pawnee

went to the Olympics,

and it was reported on

for over a year.

He wasn't even

competing or anything,

he just was going,

literally,

to watch the Olympics.

It was way too easy

to get this guy here.

Councilman Dexhart,

this has gone far enough.

I want you to hold

a press conference

and clear my name.

Mmm... No, thanks.

Why not?

What's in it for you?

To be honest,

being linked to Leslie

is a lot less damning

than the real story.

You're like

a glass of whole milk.

What are you, Lutheran?

I love Lutherans.

Councilman, with all

due respect, get a grip.

If you don't hold

a press conference,

I'm gonna come forward

and tell the whole story.

It won't

do you any good.

Take it from me,

denying only

makes things worse.

Listen, I gotta go.

I'm expected

at two different

maternity wards.

But before I go, I'd be

remiss if I didn't ask.

Should we?

Oh, my God!

People already

think we did it.

You've got nothing to lose.

I'm very good.

Get out of here!

All right, fine.

Shoeshine. Shoeshine.

Oh! Hey!

Hey.

I've been thinking about

your gay boyfriend all day.

I have got some

awesome ideas.

Okay.

First idea,

spray tan gift certificates.

Ugh. No.

Trip to Germany?

Germany is awesome.

And expensive.

Good call.

I didn't think of that.

Okay, you know how people say

that you should give gifts

that you would

want to get yourself?

What would you want?

Easy. Indianapolis Colts'

Reggie Wayne jersey,

number 87, double XL,

home blue,

signed by Reggie Wayne right

after he catches a touchdown

to win the Super Bowl.

Okay. Never mind.

No?

Hip Hop Abs

dance fitness DVD?

We just received

these exclusive photos.

We have pictures

of City Councilman Dexhart...

My God!

...with Leslie Knope...

I cannot believe it!

The big issue now is,

who is this mystery woman?

She and Knope are standing

very close to each other,

and any time you see

two women standing very

close to each other...

Oh, no. No, don't say it.

...you immediately assume...

Please don't say it.

...lesbian.

Oh, of course.

What?

It is a veritable storm

of information coming

into the studios here today.

Hi, this is Leslie Knope,

and I would like Joan

to clear all

of her guests tomorrow,

because I'm coming

on the show.

If you think that you can

drag me and my friend

through the mud,

then you've got...

Yes, I'll hold.

Unbelievable.

Hey.

What happened?

Got a call

from some panicky

morning joggers.

Apparently, Sanitation

didn't empty this dumpster.

To the raccoons' delight.

I thought raccoons

were supposed

to be nocturnal.

Not in this town, sweetheart.

In this town, they're 24/7.

We can't have raccoons

for the Christmas thing.

They'll hunt

the kids for sport.

Fess up, guys.

Who dropped the ball?

"Bring a case

of beer to Sanitation."

"Bring a case of..."

Yeah, this one's our fault,

Ron, and we will take care

of this for you.

Okay, good,

because I have to

run a public forum,

supervise the maintenance

crews, and teach crafts

at the senior center.

Simultaneously.

Joan, I just wanted to say

thank you for letting me

be on your show.

I'm really happy that I have

the chance to clear my name.

Well, sure. I see you

brought your girlfriend

for support. That's nice.

What? Oh, no.

She's not my...

And in five, Joan.

She's a... We're...

Four. Three.

You've got it wrong.

Sex. Drugs, possibly.

Rock and Roll?

We'll find out,

on Pawnee Today's

exclusive interview

with the woman at the center

of the Dexhart sex scandal,

Leslie Knope.

Leslie,

my first question has to be,

when did the affair start?

Joan, I spoke with

Councilman Dexhart

for the first

time that night.

We met for about 15 minutes,

and then I went home, alone,

and that's the whole story.

Well, Leslie, we all

saw the tape

from four years ago,

and you were flashing

some serious "do me" eyes.

That's just my opinion.

I don't understand

why I'm on trial here.

You should be grilling

Councilman Dexhart.

You know what?

That's a really good idea.

Let's bring him out!

Councilman,

come on out!

Hi, sweetie.

Why didn't you tell me

he was gonna be here?

I thought it'd

be more exciting!

You look great.

It's like I'm invisible.

Okay, my name is Ron.

You don't need to

know my last name.

Whoever wants to talk,

go ahead, and we'll be

out of here in a tight 15.

I found a sandwich

in one of your parks,

and I want to know

why it didn't

have mayonnaise.

What's so funny?

Oh.

Yeah, I don't think

kids should be allowed

on the playground equipment.

Okay. We've been over this.

If you're worried

about swine flu,

use hand sanitizer...

I'm not worried

about swine flu.

I already have the swine flu.

I'm worried

about the turtle flu.

The turtle flu?

Turtle flu.

Turtle flu.

Joan, this whole Pawnee Sun

story is "gotcha journalism"

at its worst.

Honey, let's just keep

our private life in

the bedroom where it belongs.

We do not have

a private life!

Stop saying that we

have a private life!

The fact is,

we never slept together,

and if we did,

you would have proof,

and we would

have seen it by now.

Councilman?

I can prove it.

She has a mole on

her right buttock.

What?

That is a total lie.

You've never seen my butt.

What are you talking about?

He has never seen my butt.

Well, I guess it's

your word against his.

That's right.

Fine.

Here, Joan. Why don't

you look for yourself?

Is this happening?

Wait.

There's no mole.

There is no mole.

This exclusive story,

there is no mole

on Miss Knope!

I can't believe

it's come to this.

This is utterly humiliating.

Well, Councilman?

Care to make a comment

about No-Mole-Gate?

Yes.

I really didn't think that

Miss Knope would pull down

her pants on TV,

but since she did,

I will admit that

the rumors of our affair

are indeed false.

Thank you.

However, I have

no plans to resign.

Oh, great. Okay, Councilman.

You know what?

You're a class act.

Thank you.

I thought

you did great.

When you get all

feisty like that,

it gets my heart racing.

Like I'm on a Stairmaster,

except more, like,

in a sexual...

Context.

I can't go to

San Diego with you.

My life is here.

My friends, my career.

I guess I just thought

with everything that happened,

you'd want a fresh start.

I know. I really care

about you, Dave. I just...

I love this town.

I'm sorry.

You want your ticket back?

No. You know what?

Keep it.

You may want to

come visit me, right?

There's a $75 change fee,

but I could pay you that,

or I could reimburse you.

There's a lot of ways

we could handle that.

Oh! Oh! That's...

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Hey!

Honey. Honey,

I'm so proud of you.

Leslie Knope!

That took guts,

mooning Joan Callamezzo!

Aw! Honey!

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, God! Is something

wrong with the tree?

No. Nothing wrong.

But it's almost 9:00.

It should've been

lighted up an hour ago.

We waited for you.

Okay, everybody.

Count down.

Five! Four!

Three! Two!

One! Yeah!

It's gotten

a lot harder to

work in government.

You think Winston Churchill

ever had to pull his pants

down and show his butt?

No. But would he have? Yes.

Now, could he have?

Well, maybe not

towards the end of his life,

but he would have.

Because he loved his job.

Reggie Wayne!

Dude! You remembered

me complaining

about my computer bag!

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's perfect.

It's way better than

the gift that I got you.

It's Pacers tickets.

Oh!

They're not even

good seats! Ugh.

This is awesome!

It's not awesome.

I actually got you

a second gift.

You don't have to come

to this game with me.

You don't have to.

That's the nicest

gift anybody's ever...

Is that good?

...gotten me in my life! Yes!

Is that good? Come here.

Oh, thank God!

There's a bunch of messages

waiting for you about a bunch

of things I don't understand.

Hi, this is Leslie Knope

in the Parks Department.