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Leslie.
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What's up, Ron?
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I'm gonna need you to go up to
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the Bureau of Motor Vehicles
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on the fourth floor.
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We gotta talk ourselves out
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of this late registration
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fee for the Parks van.
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Come on.
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I don't want to go
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to the fourth floor.
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That is the creepiest
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place on Earth.
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The fourth floor is awful.
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The DMV, divorce filings,
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probation offices. Ugh!
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They put
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a popcorn machine up there
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just to brighten things up,
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but they used
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the wrong kind of oil,
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and a bunch of people
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had to get their
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throats replaced.
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They'll only
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talk to you or me,
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and I can't go,
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because I don't want to.
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Okay.
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Hey, boo. You're pretty.
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Uh... Thank you, sir.
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Hey, girl.
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Are you on probation?
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I got clean urine.
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You need female?
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I got female.
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I'm good, thank you.
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Hey, you clean? I buy, too.
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Order. Order!
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Next case. Indiana vs...
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I know,
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I'm just telling you.
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Tom and Wendy?
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Popcorn?
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So, Tom,
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how's everything in
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your life, generally?
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Amazing. Took a risk.
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Bought some shoes online.
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Paid off handsomely,
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as you can see.
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Uh-huh.
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And how are your institutions,
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that you're a part of?
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Ah. You heard
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about my divorce?
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I saw you on the fourth floor.
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I'm so, so sorry.
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Honestly, it's fine.
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Lasted longer than
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Avril Lavigne and the guy
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from Sum 41, am I right?
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I don't know what those are.
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Look, Tom, stop working.
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Whoa!
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Would have been nice
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to have saved that.
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You should've
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auto-saved that.
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Right.
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That kind of feels
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like your fault.
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Look, I've heard your voice
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when she calls
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you on the phone.
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I've seen you look at her ass
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when she leaves the room.
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You love her.
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Leslie, I really appreciate
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what you're trying to do,
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but I'm fine.
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Look, look at my face.
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Are you watching?
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I did
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a little research,
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and divorce is the number two
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most stressful event
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in a person's life.
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Of course,
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marriage is number seven.
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So, watch out, everyone.
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It's all bad.
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We have to step up,
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for Tom's sake.
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I think Tom seems fine.
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Well, that is the problem.
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Tom always seems like
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Mr. Slickster Cool Guy,
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but he's actually
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hiding his emotions
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underneath a very thick
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layer of Axe body spray.
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We have to help him.
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We are his safe bubble.
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She's kind of right.
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None of his
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family lives here,
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and all of his friends
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are frat guys and morons.
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This seems like
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none of our business.
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Be supportive, okay?
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Don't be all, like,
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"No, I don't want to.
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"I am a guy and I like
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fire and playing hockey
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and eating meat!
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"No, no, says I!"
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That was a really good Ron.
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Thank you.
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I don't know
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how to explain...
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Hey, Mark.
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The shoeshine stand
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still doesn't have
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that syphilis medication
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you were asking about.
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Ann, hey!
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What a coincidence!
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Are you in this office
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purely for business reasons?
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Pleasure, actually.
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My boyfriend Mark
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works here.
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He's sitting
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right next to me.
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Hey, Andy.
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What a surprise, running into
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you all day, every day, every
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single place that we are.
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Likewise. Well, I guess
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I'll see you guys around.
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See you.
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Oh! Uh, also, Mark, again,
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we don't have
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those extra-small
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condoms you ordered.
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I called the factory,
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it's gonna take
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a special order.
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Not just because of the size,
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but because of the weird shape
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as well.
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Something they've
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never dealt with before.
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We'll talk.
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Mark never asked me
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for any small,
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weirdly-shaped condoms.
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I made that up.
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Every day,
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I subtly chip away
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at their relationship.
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Weakening it,
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little by little.
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Where's Tom Haverford?
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For sake.
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So,
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you had a divorce,
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of course, of course
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And no one enjoys
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a divorce, of course
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I don't know
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what to do, man.
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I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie,
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it's a green card marriage,
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I'm fine."
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You know,
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Leslie just thinks
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you're a wounded animal,
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so her female instincts
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are kicking in.
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Here's what you do.
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Act sad, let her pull
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the thorn out of your paw
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and wrap a bandage
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around it.
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That'll make her feel better.
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She'll get off your jock.
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You still can't tell anyone
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about the green card thing.
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Apparently you can get
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in trouble even after
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a divorce.
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Damn the man. Well, hey,
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your secret's safe with me.
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Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.
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Okay, everyone.
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The rumors are true.
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Wendy and I are splitting up.
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Yeah, I'm really hurt.
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I'm so sorry you feel
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that way, little friend.
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Why don't we go out tonight,
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hit the town after work, huh?
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We'll make it Tom's night.
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You can go anywhere
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you want, our treat.
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Oh, I know there's a really
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fun documentary about tandem
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bicycles at the art house.
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It's supposed to be
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pretty unapologetic.
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Or we could go
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to a restaurant...
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Strip club?
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Did somebody say strip club?
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No...
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Did somebody say strip club?
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You did.
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I definitely heard
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someone say strip club.
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You just did.
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Would the Glitter Factory
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be okay
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with whoever
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suggested strip club?
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I don't think
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that's a good idea, Tom.
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There is a great
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dinosaur-themed restaurant
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in Patterson.
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It is called Jurassic Fork.
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I have gone there
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three times a week
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for the last 15 years.
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Ooh! Dinosaurs, huh?
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All right. Sounds okay.
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Okay! It's gonna be
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a crazy night, guys!
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I will see you at
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Jurassic Fork at 5:45 p.m.
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Yes.
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Hi. Welcome to Jurassic Fork,
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where the only thing
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that'll be extinct
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is your appetite.
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You ready to order?
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Yes.
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I will have the Jamaican
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Jerk Chicken Veloci-Wrap.
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I'm gonna get
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the Tricera-chops, please.
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How do you
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want that cooked?
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Medium roar.
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Medium rare?
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No, medium roar.
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For legal reasons,
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we're not allowed
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to make puns
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about the temperature
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of the meats anymore.
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I'll have
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the surf-and-turf-a-saurus,
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and a couple of
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bottles of wine.
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I'm gonna need
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a lot of wine,
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so keep it flowing.
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I'm not gonna be
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drinking anything.
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Just wanted
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everybody to know that.
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I'm not a big fan
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of group dinners
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where everybody
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splits the bill
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no matter what they get.
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I ordered
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a Tyranna-Caesar salad,
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and that's all
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I'm paying for.
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Hey, check it out.
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They got pool.
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Mark, you want to
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play a quick game?
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Finally settle the debate
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about who's the better
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pool player?
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I've never had that debate
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with anyone, Andy.
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Come on, we'll put
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a little money on it.
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Make it a little
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more interesting.
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Andy, please.
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No, I just figured
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because pool is all about
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angles and he's a failed
301
00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:40,610
architect
302
00:07:40,690 --> 00:07:42,680
that he might
303
00:07:40,690 --> 00:07:42,680
want to play pool.
304
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,190
Let's do it.
305
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,190
Really? That worked?
306
00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:48,260
How to hustle
307
00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:48,260
somebody in pool,
308
00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:48,260
by Andy Dwyer.
309
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:52,000
Step one, find the person
310
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:52,000
you want to hustle.
311
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:52,000
Invite them to play pool.
312
00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:54,430
Should they accept,
313
00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:54,430
you're in.
314
00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:56,560
Here's what I think
315
00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:56,560
we should do.
316
00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:00,200
Everyone should go around
317
00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:00,200
and say one thing
318
00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:00,200
that they love about Tom.
319
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,440
I'll start.
320
00:08:01,510 --> 00:08:04,270
I really wish
321
00:08:01,510 --> 00:08:04,270
I could have your body.
322
00:08:01,510 --> 00:08:04,270
What?
323
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,910
Ew! Like, tied up,
324
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,910
naked, in your basement?
325
00:08:06,980 --> 00:08:10,510
No, no. I mean, you're in
326
00:08:06,980 --> 00:08:10,510
good shape and you can eat
327
00:08:06,980 --> 00:08:10,510
whatever you want.
328
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,420
Well, that was
329
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,420
weird, Jerry.
330
00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:13,650
Ann, you go ahead.
331
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,620
I think Tom is really nice.
332
00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:17,350
Also, if you guys want to
333
00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:17,350
give me your credit cards,
334
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:18,860
I'll just divide it up
335
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:18,860
myself, I don't mind.
336
00:08:18,930 --> 00:08:20,230
Oh, my God!
337
00:08:18,930 --> 00:08:20,230
Don't worry about it.
338
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:21,560
The restaurant will
339
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:21,560
just divide it evenly.
340
00:08:21,630 --> 00:08:24,220
Just enjoy yourself.
341
00:08:21,630 --> 00:08:24,220
April, go ahead.
342
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,970
Tom is the only cool
343
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,970
person in the office.
344
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,330
Ridiculous. Donna?
345
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,030
I love you, Tom.
346
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,030
You're my little prince.
347
00:08:33,510 --> 00:08:38,310
I just want to put you in
348
00:08:33,510 --> 00:08:38,310
a little cape and a little
349
00:08:33,510 --> 00:08:38,310
hat and just fly you around.
350
00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:41,180
Thank you, Donna.
351
00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:41,180
Hey, garçon.
352
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,990
I'm still feeling pretty sad.
353
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,990
Can I get two crème brûlées
354
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:48,680
and another glass
355
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:48,680
of bronto grigio?
356
00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:53,930
I thought I had Tom all
357
00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:53,930
figured out, but it's almost
358
00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:53,930
like he's faking being sad.
359
00:08:54,460 --> 00:08:55,930
Why would he do that?
360
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:02,600
And that's game.
361
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:02,600
I think you now
362
00:08:58,670 --> 00:09:02,600
owe me $25.
363
00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:05,870
Shoot. Someone had
364
00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:05,870
a pool table
365
00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:05,870
growing up, huh?
366
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,670
Hey, no, no. What do
367
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,670
you say we play again?
368
00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:11,240
We'll make it
369
00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:11,240
a little more interesting.
370
00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:11,240
Go double or nothing?
371
00:09:11,310 --> 00:09:12,540
Why not?
372
00:09:12,980 --> 00:09:14,010
Step two.
373
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,410
Lose to your opponent
374
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,410
intentionally so they
375
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,410
gain confidence.
376
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,250
Step two has been
377
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,250
completed easily.
378
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:25,330
Very easily.
379
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:25,330
Mark is pretty good at pool.
380
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,590
So, how are you feeling, Tom?
381
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,590
Are you feeling okay?
382
00:09:30,930 --> 00:09:34,390
I like pretending to be sad.
383
00:09:30,930 --> 00:09:34,390
I now see why girls do it.
384
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,870
So, your arrangement
385
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,870
with Wendy, it really
386
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,870
was completely platonic?
387
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,710
Yeah. Never so much
388
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,710
as even kissed,
389
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:44,640
except for a little peck
390
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:44,640
at the wedding ceremony
391
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:44,640
for appearances.
392
00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:47,050
Uh, now that you're
393
00:09:44,710 --> 00:09:47,050
getting divorced,
394
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:52,380
I sort of feel like
395
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:52,380
there may be some potential
396
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:52,380
with me and Wendy.
397
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:58,360
Would it be okay with you
398
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:58,360
if I was to ask her out,
399
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:58,360
once the fake dust settles?
400
00:09:59,430 --> 00:10:01,790
Yeah, why not? Sure.
401
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:07,440
Looking at her, I feel like
402
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:07,440
she might be the perfect
403
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:07,440
spooning size for me.
404
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,300
I'm gonna take a leak.
405
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,310
Oh! That would be $6,400.
406
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,040
I accept checks and
407
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,040
most major credit cards.
408
00:10:24,220 --> 00:10:25,410
Yeah!
409
00:10:25,490 --> 00:10:27,920
Mark is way better than me.
410
00:10:25,490 --> 00:10:27,920
I'm gonna...
411
00:10:27,990 --> 00:10:32,120
I'm gonna say that
412
00:10:27,990 --> 00:10:32,120
there is at least a chance
413
00:10:32,790 --> 00:10:34,920
that I didn't think
414
00:10:32,790 --> 00:10:34,920
this through completely.
415
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,230
I think I'm done, Andy.
416
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:39,390
Okay. Forget money.
417
00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:42,400
We'll play
418
00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:42,400
for something else.
419
00:10:42,470 --> 00:10:43,840
You have nothing
420
00:10:42,470 --> 00:10:43,840
else to give me.
421
00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:47,340
I have a T-shirt
422
00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:47,340
I tackled Eddie Vedder in.
423
00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:47,340
It's literally priceless.
424
00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:50,850
Okay, how about this?
425
00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:50,850
If you win,
426
00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:50,850
you don't owe me any money,
427
00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:53,140
but if I win,
428
00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:53,140
you have to stop
429
00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:53,140
bugging me and Ann.
430
00:10:53,210 --> 00:10:54,340
What are you talking about?
431
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:57,390
No more comments,
432
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:57,390
no more showing up when
433
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:57,390
we're hanging out together.
434
00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:58,780
You have to
435
00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:58,780
leave us alone.
436
00:10:58,850 --> 00:11:02,480
That doesn't seem like
437
00:10:58,850 --> 00:11:02,480
a very fair bet, Mark.
438
00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:06,220
So, if I win,
439
00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:06,220
I also get Ann.
440
00:11:07,030 --> 00:11:10,290
Okay, fine. If you win,
441
00:11:07,030 --> 00:11:10,290
then you get Ann.
442
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,360
Rack them up!
443
00:11:12,430 --> 00:11:13,830
Somebody punch someone!
444
00:11:14,970 --> 00:11:18,340
So, how you doing, buddy?
445
00:11:14,970 --> 00:11:18,340
Want some steak? Champagne?
446
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,330
Think of something
447
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,330
extravagant and we'll
448
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,330
get it for you.
449
00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:23,610
What do you want?
450
00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:23,610
A cheese fountain?
451
00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:23,610
A ruby?
452
00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:26,610
A goose heart?
453
00:11:27,180 --> 00:11:29,740
How about a marriage?
454
00:11:27,180 --> 00:11:29,740
How about a non-divorce?
455
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:32,510
Tom, I'm sorry.
456
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:32,510
Maybe you guys just
457
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:32,510
need some time apart,
458
00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:34,610
you know, to remember
459
00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:34,610
how much you care
460
00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:34,610
about each other.
461
00:11:34,690 --> 00:11:38,460
Leslie, think about it.
462
00:11:34,690 --> 00:11:38,460
Does our marriage
463
00:11:34,690 --> 00:11:38,460
really make sense to you?
464
00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:40,860
She's a tall,
465
00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:40,860
beautiful surgeon.
466
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,930
I'm a short,
467
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,930
beautiful government
468
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,930
employee/club promoter.
469
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:46,900
You're a club promoter?
470
00:11:46,970 --> 00:11:48,130
Aspiring.
471
00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:52,600
The point is,
472
00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:52,600
I never meant anything
473
00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:52,600
to her.
474
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,230
It wasn't even
475
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,230
a real marriage.
476
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,710
Now, the sadness is
477
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,710
pouring out of Tom,
478
00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:01,550
like blood from a pterodactyl
479
00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:01,550
after it's attacked
480
00:11:57,780 --> 00:12:01,550
by a T-Rex.
481
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:05,420
I have to take him
482
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:05,420
to a place where he can't
483
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:05,420
possibly be sad.
484
00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:10,480
Oh, crap.
485
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:12,760
We are going to
486
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:12,760
the Glitter Factory.
487
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:12,760
What?
488
00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:15,060
Not me.
489
00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:15,060
I can't go back there.
490
00:12:15,230 --> 00:12:17,890
But if you see Jasmine,
491
00:12:15,230 --> 00:12:17,890
tell her she can keep Anthony,
492
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:20,090
but I want
493
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:20,090
my microwave back.
494
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,400
Okay, good. You're gonna
495
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,400
take April home.
496
00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:24,530
No, I want to go
497
00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:24,530
to the Glitter Factory.
498
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:28,600
Well, drop out of school
499
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:28,600
and start doing meth.
500
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:28,600
Let's go, everybody.
501
00:12:29,810 --> 00:12:32,180
Leslie, I appreciate
502
00:12:29,810 --> 00:12:32,180
what you're trying to do,
503
00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:35,980
but once you go in there,
504
00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:35,980
you will see things
505
00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:35,980
you cannot un-see.
506
00:12:36,050 --> 00:12:38,580
I'm a feminist, okay?
507
00:12:36,050 --> 00:12:38,580
I would never,
508
00:12:36,050 --> 00:12:38,580
ever go to a strip club.
509
00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:41,590
I've gone on record
510
00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:41,590
that if I had to
511
00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:41,590
have a stripper's name,
512
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:43,560
it would be "Equality."
513
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,820
But I'm willing to sacrifice
514
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,820
all that I've worked for
515
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:48,420
just to put
516
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:48,420
a smile on your
517
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:48,420
perverted little face.
518
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:49,930
So don't blow this.
519
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:49,930
All right.
520
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,560
Okay! Lap dances are on me.
521
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,560
I mean, I'm paying for them.
522
00:12:52,630 --> 00:12:55,630
They're not gonna
523
00:12:52,630 --> 00:12:55,630
actually be on me.
524
00:12:52,630 --> 00:12:55,630
Got it.
525
00:12:55,970 --> 00:12:58,910
I kind of feel like
526
00:12:55,970 --> 00:12:58,910
Jane Goodall studying
527
00:12:55,970 --> 00:12:58,910
the chimps, you know?
528
00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:00,810
'Cause there are some
529
00:12:58,970 --> 00:13:00,810
feminist scholars
530
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,850
who say that stripping
531
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,850
is a feminist act.
532
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,660
There is a girl here
533
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,660
that also works at Quiznos.
534
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,490
She's really nice to me
535
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,490
here, but really mean
536
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,490
to me at Quiznos.
537
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:24,020
Okay, Tom, go put these
538
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:24,020
in places I do not
539
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:24,020
approve of.
540
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:28,030
Leslie, I'm gonna
541
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:28,030
put these in places
542
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:28,030
you've never heard of.
543
00:13:28,170 --> 00:13:32,400
Yeah, I've been a little down.
544
00:13:28,170 --> 00:13:32,400
Totally natural.
545
00:13:28,170 --> 00:13:32,400
I'm getting divorced.
546
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,410
But now, I'm ready
547
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,410
to pull myself up
548
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,410
by some g-strings.
549
00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:39,840
God! It is rough in here.
550
00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:39,840
Is it always like this?
551
00:13:40,150 --> 00:13:42,620
I wouldn't know.
552
00:13:40,150 --> 00:13:42,620
Don't like strip clubs.
553
00:13:43,020 --> 00:13:44,780
Smells like a wet mop
554
00:13:43,020 --> 00:13:44,780
in here.
555
00:13:45,190 --> 00:13:49,320
And I get the feeling that
556
00:13:45,190 --> 00:13:49,320
every one of these women
557
00:13:45,190 --> 00:13:49,320
is running a low-grade fever.
558
00:13:49,390 --> 00:13:51,260
You're one
559
00:13:49,390 --> 00:13:51,260
of the good ones, Ron.
560
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,590
Wait a minute.
561
00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:55,060
Hello, beautiful.
562
00:13:56,730 --> 00:14:00,690
Strippers do nothing for me.
563
00:13:56,730 --> 00:14:00,690
I like a strong,
564
00:13:56,730 --> 00:14:00,690
salt-of-the-earth,
565
00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:03,330
self-possessed woman
566
00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:03,330
at the top of her field.
567
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,930
Your Steffi Grafs,
568
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,930
your Sheryl Swoopeses.
569
00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:11,450
But I will take
570
00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:11,450
a free breakfast buffet
571
00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:11,450
any time, any place.
572
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:22,090
Tomcat, pull up a mouth.
573
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:22,090
This buffet is unstoppable.
574
00:14:22,790 --> 00:14:24,280
Yeah, I'm not hungry.
575
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:28,420
By the way,
576
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:28,420
you're doing a bang-up job
577
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:28,420
of looking sad about Wendy.
578
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,860
Does she make
579
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,860
scrambled eggs?
580
00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:33,830
No.
581
00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:34,890
Take it down a notch.
582
00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:38,070
You already won
583
00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:38,070
your Oscar, DiCaprio.
584
00:14:39,270 --> 00:14:41,870
Coming on stage next
585
00:14:39,270 --> 00:14:41,870
is Angel. Angel!
586
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:47,240
Ann, in case I don't
587
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:47,240
sink this, it's been
588
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:47,240
a real pleasure dating you.
589
00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:54,350
Scratch on the eight!
590
00:14:57,530 --> 00:15:02,050
I'm victorious.
591
00:14:57,530 --> 00:15:02,050
I am awesome at pool
592
00:14:57,530 --> 00:15:02,050
and I hustled your ass.
593
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:05,460
Ann, take a moment
594
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:05,460
to say goodbye.
595
00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:09,190
I don't even know
596
00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:09,190
how to say this.
597
00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:09,190
I am so sorry,
598
00:15:09,270 --> 00:15:12,330
and I will do my best
599
00:15:09,270 --> 00:15:12,330
to visit you on holidays.
600
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,040
Thanks, you tried.
601
00:15:14,110 --> 00:15:15,240
I guess you're his now.
602
00:15:15,310 --> 00:15:16,570
Do you want to
603
00:15:15,310 --> 00:15:16,570
get out of here?
604
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:17,840
I do. Yeah.
605
00:15:17,910 --> 00:15:19,240
Bye, Andy.
606
00:15:19,450 --> 00:15:24,350
I know that, legally,
607
00:15:19,450 --> 00:15:24,350
Ann is now mine,
608
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,850
but it weirdly
609
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,850
doesn't feel that way.
610
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,390
All right, Tom!
611
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,390
This is Seabiscuit.
612
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,390
Sierra.
613
00:15:33,460 --> 00:15:35,120
Sierra. Sorry.
614
00:15:33,460 --> 00:15:35,120
It's loud in here.
615
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,890
And I gave her money
616
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,890
to writhe around
617
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,890
on your parts.
618
00:15:39,470 --> 00:15:40,730
Leslie, I don't
619
00:15:39,470 --> 00:15:40,730
want to do that.
620
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,240
Well, I already paid her.
621
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:43,430
Can I get my money back?
622
00:15:42,300 --> 00:15:43,430
No.
623
00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:44,940
Okay, so let her
624
00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:44,940
do her writhing.
625
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,070
All right.
626
00:15:46,140 --> 00:15:48,910
I just gotta say, Sierra.
627
00:15:46,140 --> 00:15:48,910
I really don't get
628
00:15:46,140 --> 00:15:48,910
why this cheers men up,
629
00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:51,000
because it's very insincere
630
00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:51,000
and it's very fleeting.
631
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,880
But go crazy, okay?
632
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,880
Give my friend
633
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,880
here the works.
634
00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:56,180
Really grind
635
00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:56,180
the sorrow out of him.
636
00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:56,180
You got it.
637
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:57,910
And then, afterwards,
638
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:57,910
maybe reconsider
639
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:57,910
your profession,
640
00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,950
but for now, grind away.
641
00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:04,790
Whoo!
642
00:16:05,330 --> 00:16:07,390
Stripper dancing action!
643
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,960
This isn't working.
644
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,960
I don't want to do this.
645
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:15,060
Is it because you have
646
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:15,060
a strong, positive female
647
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:15,060
figure watching you?
648
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,200
No. It's because
649
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,200
I'm miserable.
650
00:16:17,270 --> 00:16:18,400
Okay. Never mind.
651
00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:21,700
Thank you, Seabiscuit.
652
00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:21,700
That'll be all.
653
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,640
All Glitter Factory girls,
654
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,640
please come backstage.
655
00:16:24,710 --> 00:16:25,740
Tom.
656
00:16:26,150 --> 00:16:27,450
I don't know
657
00:16:26,150 --> 00:16:27,450
what's wrong with me.
658
00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:31,320
This is honestly
659
00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:31,320
the saddest I've ever been.
660
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:32,410
Glitter Bomb!
661
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:41,790
Ah!
662
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,530
I've been
663
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,530
to the Glitter Factory
664
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,530
a million times.
665
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,700
That girl up there,
666
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,700
she's my emergency contact.
667
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,610
But right now,
668
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,610
I hate it here,
669
00:16:54,410 --> 00:16:56,470
and I just want
670
00:16:54,410 --> 00:16:56,470
to see Wendy.
671
00:16:56,540 --> 00:17:00,350
Tom, it's perfectly
672
00:16:56,540 --> 00:17:00,350
normal to feel devastated
673
00:16:56,540 --> 00:17:00,350
when something's over.
674
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:03,710
It's exactly how I felt
675
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:03,710
when that Planet Earth
676
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:03,710
series ended.
677
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:07,450
Sixty days.
678
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:07,450
And then she's free
679
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:07,450
to marry Ron Swanson.
680
00:17:08,490 --> 00:17:09,890
What? Ron?
681
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,050
He's gonna ask her out.
682
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,050
He told me.
683
00:17:12,530 --> 00:17:16,330
But who cares?
684
00:17:12,530 --> 00:17:16,330
If it's not him,
685
00:17:12,530 --> 00:17:16,330
it'll just be some other guy.
686
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:23,070
Swanson! Did you tell Tom
687
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:23,070
that you were
688
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:23,070
gonna ask out Wendy?
689
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,130
It's complicated.
690
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:26,770
What is wrong with you?
691
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,310
I wish I wasn't alive
692
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,310
to hear myself say this,
693
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:32,440
but I am ashamed
694
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:32,440
to be your deputy.
695
00:17:32,850 --> 00:17:34,280
I don't get men.
696
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:36,540
If they're not wagering
697
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:36,540
their girlfriends in pool,
698
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:39,020
then they're trying
699
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:39,020
to steal each other's wives.
700
00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:42,680
It makes you
701
00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:42,680
question the whole notion
702
00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:42,680
of those bromance movies.
703
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:44,680
Tom.
704
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:49,700
Great! Good, okay.
705
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:49,700
Could you carry him
706
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:49,700
out of here, please?
707
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,570
And, you know, also maybe
708
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,570
not have sex with his wife?
709
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,570
Thanks.
710
00:17:55,370 --> 00:17:56,530
From the knees.
711
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:58,070
He weighs eight pounds.
712
00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:01,730
Oh! Oh.
713
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,810
Oh, boy.
714
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,810
Hi, Wendy.
715
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,740
We took Tom out tonight,
716
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,740
and he had a little bit
717
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,740
too much to drink.
718
00:18:06,810 --> 00:18:08,110
Oh!
719
00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:10,980
Okay.
720
00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:10,980
Come on in.
721
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,390
Oh, my God.
722
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,390
You insensitive
723
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,390
little hussy.
724
00:18:18,590 --> 00:18:19,580
Excuse me?
725
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:21,490
Leslie, whoa. Halt.
726
00:18:21,830 --> 00:18:25,630
You're not even divorced
727
00:18:21,830 --> 00:18:25,630
yet and you're inviting
728
00:18:21,830 --> 00:18:25,630
other men over?
729
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:26,720
You were married?
730
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,530
Uh... Technically.
731
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,530
Yeah, that's...
732
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,340
That's my husband.
733
00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:32,630
Who's he carrying?
734
00:18:32,810 --> 00:18:34,830
No. No, that's his...
735
00:18:32,810 --> 00:18:34,830
That's his boss.
736
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:38,610
My husband's the one
737
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:38,610
that's being
738
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:38,610
carried by his boss.
739
00:18:39,050 --> 00:18:40,910
How's it going?
740
00:18:39,050 --> 00:18:40,910
Good.
741
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,810
You know what, Wendy?
742
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,810
You and Ron will be
743
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:44,810
perfect for each other.
744
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:49,720
You two should get married
745
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:49,720
and start a club for people
746
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:49,720
who betray Tom Haverford.
747
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,460
You have a lovely home.
748
00:18:56,730 --> 00:18:58,630
So, where do you
749
00:18:56,730 --> 00:18:58,630
want this?
750
00:18:59,770 --> 00:19:02,260
So, how you feeling?
751
00:18:59,770 --> 00:19:02,260
Rough morning?
752
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:05,470
You know those hangover pills
753
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:05,470
you can order on TV?
754
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:05,470
Mmm.
755
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:08,240
I threw up a bunch
756
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:08,240
of them this morning.
757
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:08,240
I feel much better.
758
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:09,800
I know last night
759
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:09,800
was really rough,
760
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,540
but all I want for you
761
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,540
is to be able
762
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,540
to get over this.
763
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,080
Leslie, I need to
764
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,080
tell you something.
765
00:19:14,150 --> 00:19:15,550
Okay.
766
00:19:15,750 --> 00:19:17,980
Uh... The reason I was
767
00:19:15,750 --> 00:19:17,980
acting weird yesterday
768
00:19:18,050 --> 00:19:21,420
was Wendy and I have
769
00:19:18,050 --> 00:19:21,420
a green card marriage.
770
00:19:23,290 --> 00:19:25,260
Oh, my God,
771
00:19:23,290 --> 00:19:25,260
because you're a Libyan!
772
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,260
No. Damn it.
773
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,260
Wendy's from Canada.
774
00:19:27,330 --> 00:19:29,320
Oh! Oh. Okay.
775
00:19:30,530 --> 00:19:31,590
Wait. Start again.
776
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,600
This...
777
00:19:35,770 --> 00:19:39,500
Hey, Ann. Mark.
778
00:19:35,770 --> 00:19:39,500
You guys got a second?
779
00:19:35,770 --> 00:19:39,500
It's about last night.
780
00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:43,140
I hope I'm not gonna have to
781
00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:43,140
explain to you that you don't
782
00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:43,140
actually own me.
783
00:19:43,210 --> 00:19:44,200
Of course not.
784
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,480
I never for one
785
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,480
second thought that
786
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,480
that was for real.
787
00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:52,020
Look, you don't have
788
00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:52,020
to worry about me
789
00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:52,020
bothering you anymore.
790
00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:55,820
You clearly have
791
00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:55,820
something going,
792
00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:55,820
and I should respect that.
793
00:19:56,290 --> 00:20:00,130
Okay.
794
00:19:56,290 --> 00:20:00,130
If you say "psych" right now
795
00:19:56,290 --> 00:20:00,130
I'm gonna be really pissed.
796
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,660
You remembered how much
797
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,660
I like to say "psych."
798
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,690
But no, no.
799
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,690
This is no psych.
800
00:20:07,270 --> 00:20:10,430
Andy, thank you
801
00:20:07,270 --> 00:20:10,430
for saying all that
802
00:20:07,270 --> 00:20:10,430
just now.
803
00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:12,270
Sure.
804
00:20:13,270 --> 00:20:16,180
Goodbye, A-Cakes.
805
00:20:13,270 --> 00:20:16,180
Hello, Ann.
806
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,340
Goodbye, Ann.
807
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,510
Goodbye, Andy.
808
00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:23,570
Oh, oh.
809
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:30,490
I thought for a second
810
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:30,490
you were gonna chase
811
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:30,490
after me right there,
812
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,260
but you didn't,
813
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,260
and that's okay.
814
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,260
I meant every word I said.
815
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,890
Aw, you like your wife?
816
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,890
That's a bummer.
817
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:41,300
Does anyone else know
818
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:41,300
that you like your wife?
819
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:43,200
Does your wife know
820
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:43,200
that you like your wife?
821
00:20:43,270 --> 00:20:45,400
I didn't know
822
00:20:43,270 --> 00:20:45,400
until yesterday.
823
00:20:45,470 --> 00:20:48,910
So don't tell anyone.
824
00:20:45,470 --> 00:20:48,910
Don't tell Ron.
825
00:20:45,470 --> 00:20:48,910
It's my problem.
826
00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:53,440
How could there possibly
827
00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:53,440
still be glitter on me?
828
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,810
It takes forever to get off.
829
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,810
My crotch looks
830
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,810
like a disco ball.
831
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:16,630
Leslie's sorry
832
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:16,630
She called you selfish,
833
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:16,630
of course
834
00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:18,870
She just didn't know
835
00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:18,870
the full story, of course
836
00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:22,470
But now that she does
837
00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:22,470
She's sorry, of course
838
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,740
She loves
839
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,740
being your deputy
45742
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