Original subtitles

Leslie.

What's up, Ron?

I'm gonna need you to go up to

the Bureau of Motor Vehicles

on the fourth floor.

We gotta talk ourselves out

of this late registration

fee for the Parks van.

Come on.

I don't want to go

to the fourth floor.

That is the creepiest

place on Earth.

The fourth floor is awful.

The DMV, divorce filings,

probation offices. Ugh!

They put

a popcorn machine up there

just to brighten things up,

but they used

the wrong kind of oil,

and a bunch of people

had to get their

throats replaced.

They'll only

talk to you or me,

and I can't go,

because I don't want to.

Okay.

Hey, boo. You're pretty.

Uh... Thank you, sir.

Hey, girl.

Are you on probation?

I got clean urine.

You need female?

I got female.

I'm good, thank you.

Hey, you clean? I buy, too.

Order. Order!

Next case. Indiana vs...

I know,

I'm just telling you.

Tom and Wendy?

Popcorn?

So, Tom,

how's everything in

your life, generally?

Amazing. Took a risk.

Bought some shoes online.

Paid off handsomely,

as you can see.

Uh-huh.

And how are your institutions,

that you're a part of?

Ah. You heard

about my divorce?

I saw you on the fourth floor.

I'm so, so sorry.

Honestly, it's fine.

Lasted longer than

Avril Lavigne and the guy

from Sum 41, am I right?

I don't know what those are.

Look, Tom, stop working.

Whoa!

Would have been nice

to have saved that.

You should've

auto-saved that.

Right.

That kind of feels

like your fault.

Look, I've heard your voice

when she calls

you on the phone.

I've seen you look at her ass

when she leaves the room.

You love her.

Leslie, I really appreciate

what you're trying to do,

but I'm fine.

Look, look at my face.

Are you watching?

I did

a little research,

and divorce is the number two

most stressful event

in a person's life.

Of course,

marriage is number seven.

So, watch out, everyone.

It's all bad.

We have to step up,

for Tom's sake.

I think Tom seems fine.

Well, that is the problem.

Tom always seems like

Mr. Slickster Cool Guy,

but he's actually

hiding his emotions

underneath a very thick

layer of Axe body spray.

We have to help him.

We are his safe bubble.

She's kind of right.

None of his

family lives here,

and all of his friends

are frat guys and morons.

This seems like

none of our business.

Be supportive, okay?

Don't be all, like,

"No, I don't want to.

"I am a guy and I like

fire and playing hockey

and eating meat!

"No, no, says I!"

That was a really good Ron.

Thank you.

I don't know

how to explain...

Hey, Mark.

The shoeshine stand

still doesn't have

that syphilis medication

you were asking about.

Ann, hey!

What a coincidence!

Are you in this office

purely for business reasons?

Pleasure, actually.

My boyfriend Mark

works here.

He's sitting

right next to me.

Hey, Andy.

What a surprise, running into

you all day, every day, every

single place that we are.

Likewise. Well, I guess

I'll see you guys around.

See you.

Oh! Uh, also, Mark, again,

we don't have

those extra-small

condoms you ordered.

I called the factory,

it's gonna take

a special order.

Not just because of the size,

but because of the weird shape

as well.

Something they've

never dealt with before.

We'll talk.

Mark never asked me

for any small,

weirdly-shaped condoms.

I made that up.

Every day,

I subtly chip away

at their relationship.

Weakening it,

little by little.

Where's Tom Haverford?

For sake.

So,

you had a divorce,

of course, of course

And no one enjoys

a divorce, of course

I don't know

what to do, man.

I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie,

it's a green card marriage,

I'm fine."

You know,

Leslie just thinks

you're a wounded animal,

so her female instincts

are kicking in.

Here's what you do.

Act sad, let her pull

the thorn out of your paw

and wrap a bandage

around it.

That'll make her feel better.

She'll get off your jock.

You still can't tell anyone

about the green card thing.

Apparently you can get

in trouble even after

a divorce.

Damn the man. Well, hey,

your secret's safe with me.

Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.

Okay, everyone.

The rumors are true.

Wendy and I are splitting up.

Yeah, I'm really hurt.

I'm so sorry you feel

that way, little friend.

Why don't we go out tonight,

hit the town after work, huh?

We'll make it Tom's night.

You can go anywhere

you want, our treat.

Oh, I know there's a really

fun documentary about tandem

bicycles at the art house.

It's supposed to be

pretty unapologetic.

Or we could go

to a restaurant...

Strip club?

Did somebody say strip club?

No...

Did somebody say strip club?

You did.

I definitely heard

someone say strip club.

You just did.

Would the Glitter Factory

be okay

with whoever

suggested strip club?

I don't think

that's a good idea, Tom.

There is a great

dinosaur-themed restaurant

in Patterson.

It is called Jurassic Fork.

I have gone there

three times a week

for the last 15 years.

Ooh! Dinosaurs, huh?

All right. Sounds okay.

Okay! It's gonna be

a crazy night, guys!

I will see you at

Jurassic Fork at 5:45 p.m.

Yes.

Hi. Welcome to Jurassic Fork,

where the only thing

that'll be extinct

is your appetite.

You ready to order?

Yes.

I will have the Jamaican

Jerk Chicken Veloci-Wrap.

I'm gonna get

the Tricera-chops, please.

How do you

want that cooked?

Medium roar.

Medium rare?

No, medium roar.

For legal reasons,

we're not allowed

to make puns

about the temperature

of the meats anymore.

I'll have

the surf-and-turf-a-saurus,

and a couple of

bottles of wine.

I'm gonna need

a lot of wine,

so keep it flowing.

I'm not gonna be

drinking anything.

Just wanted

everybody to know that.

I'm not a big fan

of group dinners

where everybody

splits the bill

no matter what they get.

I ordered

a Tyranna-Caesar salad,

and that's all

I'm paying for.

Hey, check it out.

They got pool.

Mark, you want to

play a quick game?

Finally settle the debate

about who's the better

pool player?

I've never had that debate

with anyone, Andy.

Come on, we'll put

a little money on it.

Make it a little

more interesting.

Andy, please.

No, I just figured

because pool is all about

angles and he's a failed

architect

that he might

want to play pool.

Let's do it.

Really? That worked?

How to hustle

somebody in pool,

by Andy Dwyer.

Step one, find the person

you want to hustle.

Invite them to play pool.

Should they accept,

you're in.

Here's what I think

we should do.

Everyone should go around

and say one thing

that they love about Tom.

I'll start.

I really wish

I could have your body.

What?

Ew! Like, tied up,

naked, in your basement?

No, no. I mean, you're in

good shape and you can eat

whatever you want.

Well, that was

weird, Jerry.

Ann, you go ahead.

I think Tom is really nice.

Also, if you guys want to

give me your credit cards,

I'll just divide it up

myself, I don't mind.

Oh, my God!

Don't worry about it.

The restaurant will

just divide it evenly.

Just enjoy yourself.

April, go ahead.

Tom is the only cool

person in the office.

Ridiculous. Donna?

I love you, Tom.

You're my little prince.

I just want to put you in

a little cape and a little

hat and just fly you around.

Thank you, Donna.

Hey, garçon.

I'm still feeling pretty sad.

Can I get two crème brûlées

and another glass

of bronto grigio?

I thought I had Tom all

figured out, but it's almost

like he's faking being sad.

Why would he do that?

And that's game.

I think you now

owe me $25.

Shoot. Someone had

a pool table

growing up, huh?

Hey, no, no. What do

you say we play again?

We'll make it

a little more interesting.

Go double or nothing?

Why not?

Step two.

Lose to your opponent

intentionally so they

gain confidence.

Step two has been

completed easily.

Very easily.

Mark is pretty good at pool.

So, how are you feeling, Tom?

Are you feeling okay?

I like pretending to be sad.

I now see why girls do it.

So, your arrangement

with Wendy, it really

was completely platonic?

Yeah. Never so much

as even kissed,

except for a little peck

at the wedding ceremony

for appearances.

Uh, now that you're

getting divorced,

I sort of feel like

there may be some potential

with me and Wendy.

Would it be okay with you

if I was to ask her out,

once the fake dust settles?

Yeah, why not? Sure.

Looking at her, I feel like

she might be the perfect

spooning size for me.

I'm gonna take a leak.

Oh! That would be $6,400.

I accept checks and

most major credit cards.

Yeah!

Mark is way better than me.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna say that

there is at least a chance

that I didn't think

this through completely.

I think I'm done, Andy.

Okay. Forget money.

We'll play

for something else.

You have nothing

else to give me.

I have a T-shirt

I tackled Eddie Vedder in.

It's literally priceless.

Okay, how about this?

If you win,

you don't owe me any money,

but if I win,

you have to stop

bugging me and Ann.

What are you talking about?

No more comments,

no more showing up when

we're hanging out together.

You have to

leave us alone.

That doesn't seem like

a very fair bet, Mark.

So, if I win,

I also get Ann.

Okay, fine. If you win,

then you get Ann.

Rack them up!

Somebody punch someone!

So, how you doing, buddy?

Want some steak? Champagne?

Think of something

extravagant and we'll

get it for you.

What do you want?

A cheese fountain?

A ruby?

A goose heart?

How about a marriage?

How about a non-divorce?

Tom, I'm sorry.

Maybe you guys just

need some time apart,

you know, to remember

how much you care

about each other.

Leslie, think about it.

Does our marriage

really make sense to you?

She's a tall,

beautiful surgeon.

I'm a short,

beautiful government

employee/club promoter.

You're a club promoter?

Aspiring.

The point is,

I never meant anything

to her.

It wasn't even

a real marriage.

Now, the sadness is

pouring out of Tom,

like blood from a pterodactyl

after it's attacked

by a T-Rex.

I have to take him

to a place where he can't

possibly be sad.

Oh, crap.

We are going to

the Glitter Factory.

What?

Not me.

I can't go back there.

But if you see Jasmine,

tell her she can keep Anthony,

but I want

my microwave back.

Okay, good. You're gonna

take April home.

No, I want to go

to the Glitter Factory.

Well, drop out of school

and start doing meth.

Let's go, everybody.

Leslie, I appreciate

what you're trying to do,

but once you go in there,

you will see things

you cannot un-see.

I'm a feminist, okay?

I would never,

ever go to a strip club.

I've gone on record

that if I had to

have a stripper's name,

it would be "Equality."

But I'm willing to sacrifice

all that I've worked for

just to put

a smile on your

perverted little face.

So don't blow this.

All right.

Okay! Lap dances are on me.

I mean, I'm paying for them.

They're not gonna

actually be on me.

Got it.

I kind of feel like

Jane Goodall studying

the chimps, you know?

'Cause there are some

feminist scholars

who say that stripping

is a feminist act.

There is a girl here

that also works at Quiznos.

She's really nice to me

here, but really mean

to me at Quiznos.

Okay, Tom, go put these

in places I do not

approve of.

Leslie, I'm gonna

put these in places

you've never heard of.

Yeah, I've been a little down.

Totally natural.

I'm getting divorced.

But now, I'm ready

to pull myself up

by some g-strings.

God! It is rough in here.

Is it always like this?

I wouldn't know.

Don't like strip clubs.

Smells like a wet mop

in here.

And I get the feeling that

every one of these women

is running a low-grade fever.

You're one

of the good ones, Ron.

Wait a minute.

Hello, beautiful.

Strippers do nothing for me.

I like a strong,

salt-of-the-earth,

self-possessed woman

at the top of her field.

Your Steffi Grafs,

your Sheryl Swoopeses.

But I will take

a free breakfast buffet

any time, any place.

Tomcat, pull up a mouth.

This buffet is unstoppable.

Yeah, I'm not hungry.

By the way,

you're doing a bang-up job

of looking sad about Wendy.

Does she make

scrambled eggs?

No.

Take it down a notch.

You already won

your Oscar, DiCaprio.

Coming on stage next

is Angel. Angel!

Ann, in case I don't

sink this, it's been

a real pleasure dating you.

Scratch on the eight!

I'm victorious.

I am awesome at pool

and I hustled your ass.

Ann, take a moment

to say goodbye.

I don't even know

how to say this.

I am so sorry,

and I will do my best

to visit you on holidays.

Thanks, you tried.

I guess you're his now.

Do you want to

get out of here?

I do. Yeah.

Bye, Andy.

I know that, legally,

Ann is now mine,

but it weirdly

doesn't feel that way.

All right, Tom!

This is Seabiscuit.

Sierra.

Sierra. Sorry.

It's loud in here.

And I gave her money

to writhe around

on your parts.

Leslie, I don't

want to do that.

Well, I already paid her.

Can I get my money back?

No.

Okay, so let her

do her writhing.

All right.

I just gotta say, Sierra.

I really don't get

why this cheers men up,

because it's very insincere

and it's very fleeting.

But go crazy, okay?

Give my friend

here the works.

Really grind

the sorrow out of him.

You got it.

And then, afterwards,

maybe reconsider

your profession,

but for now, grind away.

Whoo!

Stripper dancing action!

This isn't working.

I don't want to do this.

Is it because you have

a strong, positive female

figure watching you?

No. It's because

I'm miserable.

Okay. Never mind.

Thank you, Seabiscuit.

That'll be all.

All Glitter Factory girls,

please come backstage.

Tom.

I don't know

what's wrong with me.

This is honestly

the saddest I've ever been.

Glitter Bomb!

Ah!

I've been

to the Glitter Factory

a million times.

That girl up there,

she's my emergency contact.

But right now,

I hate it here,

and I just want

to see Wendy.

Tom, it's perfectly

normal to feel devastated

when something's over.

It's exactly how I felt

when that Planet Earth

series ended.

Sixty days.

And then she's free

to marry Ron Swanson.

What? Ron?

He's gonna ask her out.

He told me.

But who cares?

If it's not him,

it'll just be some other guy.

Swanson! Did you tell Tom

that you were

gonna ask out Wendy?

It's complicated.

What is wrong with you?

I wish I wasn't alive

to hear myself say this,

but I am ashamed

to be your deputy.

I don't get men.

If they're not wagering

their girlfriends in pool,

then they're trying

to steal each other's wives.

It makes you

question the whole notion

of those bromance movies.

Tom.

Great! Good, okay.

Could you carry him

out of here, please?

And, you know, also maybe

not have sex with his wife?

Thanks.

From the knees.

He weighs eight pounds.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, boy.

Hi, Wendy.

We took Tom out tonight,

and he had a little bit

too much to drink.

Oh!

Okay.

Come on in.

Oh, my God.

You insensitive

little hussy.

Excuse me?

Leslie, whoa. Halt.

You're not even divorced

yet and you're inviting

other men over?

You were married?

Uh... Technically.

Yeah, that's...

That's my husband.

Who's he carrying?

No. No, that's his...

That's his boss.

My husband's the one

that's being

carried by his boss.

How's it going?

Good.

You know what, Wendy?

You and Ron will be

perfect for each other.

You two should get married

and start a club for people

who betray Tom Haverford.

You have a lovely home.

So, where do you

want this?

So, how you feeling?

Rough morning?

You know those hangover pills

you can order on TV?

Mmm.

I threw up a bunch

of them this morning.

I feel much better.

I know last night

was really rough,

but all I want for you

is to be able

to get over this.

Leslie, I need to

tell you something.

Okay.

Uh... The reason I was

acting weird yesterday

was Wendy and I have

a green card marriage.

Oh, my God,

because you're a Libyan!

No. Damn it.

Wendy's from Canada.

Oh! Oh. Okay.

Wait. Start again.

This...

Hey, Ann. Mark.

You guys got a second?

It's about last night.

I hope I'm not gonna have to

explain to you that you don't

actually own me.

Of course not.

I never for one

second thought that

that was for real.

Look, you don't have

to worry about me

bothering you anymore.

You clearly have

something going,

and I should respect that.

Okay.

If you say "psych" right now

I'm gonna be really pissed.

You remembered how much

I like to say "psych."

But no, no.

This is no psych.

Andy, thank you

for saying all that

just now.

Sure.

Goodbye, A-Cakes.

Hello, Ann.

Goodbye, Ann.

Goodbye, Andy.

Oh, oh.

I thought for a second

you were gonna chase

after me right there,

but you didn't,

and that's okay.

I meant every word I said.

Aw, you like your wife?

That's a bummer.

Does anyone else know

that you like your wife?

Does your wife know

that you like your wife?

I didn't know

until yesterday.

So don't tell anyone.

Don't tell Ron.

It's my problem.

How could there possibly

still be glitter on me?

It takes forever to get off.

My crotch looks

like a disco ball.

Leslie's sorry

She called you selfish,

of course

She just didn't know

the full story, of course

But now that she does

She's sorry, of course

She loves

being your deputy