Original subtitles

["My Generation" playing]

[chicken clucking]

[man groaning]

[woman groaning]

[school principal] Congratulations, Hudson High class of 2004.

[students cheering]

[Scott] There she is. Fiona!

Okay, bye. [chuckles]

-[Scott] Hey. -Hey! [chuckles]

[Scott grunts] Hey, you.

[moans]

-Congratulations, graduate. -Thanks, baby.

-And congratulations to you, Cooper. -Aw! Thanks, baby!

-Nice try. -[Cooper] All right.

I'll see you at Wade's party tonight?

-See you then. -[Cooper] All right.

So, it's just you and me for the entire summer.

Next year you graduate, join me in college.

See, just like we planned.

-Scott, we need to talk. -Yeah? About what?

About me dumping you.

-Huh? -[Mr. Thomas] There he is!

The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend, hmm? Okay?

Smile, you two!

-Action! -Dad, Mom, Grandma...

Uncle Moke, uh, I'm gonna need a minute here, okay?

What do you mean, you're dumping me?

Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.

What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.

I know. That's what makes this so hard.

You're looking good, you guys.

Scotty, it's not you. It's me.

There I go, lying again. No, it-- it was you.

You're just so...

-predictable. -[Mr. Thomas] Smile!

[camera shutter clicks]

So, that's it.

Here's your letter jacket back. Goodbye.

This isn't mine.

Well, she's a keeper, huh?

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

Fiona!

[Scott crying]

[button clicks]

[Cooper] Let's see that again.

Fiona!

-This is just so brutal. -[chuckling]

And yet I can't look away.

-Bert, play it again. Come on. -[laughs]

-[button clicks] -[Scott on video] Fiona!

-[Bert laughing] -Bert, get out of here.

-Okay. See you, Coop. -All right. Stay black, Bert.

[laughing] "Fiona!"

-[beeps] -[computer] Mail, motherfucker!

Hey, I got one from Mieke.

[indistinct clamoring over computer]

-[thud] -[bell dings]

[Scott] "Happy herzlichen."

Hey, you still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class.

Uh, yeah, it was at first,

but you know, we're actually becoming pretty good friends.

He's a really cool guy.

-Dear Mieke... -[keypad typing]

...greetings from your American pen pal.

-Scotty, Girl Scouts have pen pals. -[keypad typing continues]

Listen to yourself, all right?

You met a "cool guy" on the "internet."

Okay? This is how these sexual predators work.

Next thing you know, he's gonna want to "arrange a meeting."

Uh, where he will gas you, and stuff you in the back of his van,

and make a wind chime out of your genitals.

[chuckles]

-Come on, let's go to Wade's. -All right.

Screw it. Let's go. I'm not gonna let Fiona

-ruin my graduation night. -[keypad typing]

-[computer bleeps] -Auf Wiedersehen, Mieke.

[beeps]

[indistinct shouting and cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

-[Jenny chuckling] What's up, losers? -What's up, Jenny?

What's up, dude?

Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

-Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks. -All right, enough Fiona talk.

Look around. There's gotta be a hundred drunk girls here,

and we should be trying to have sex with every one of 'em.

Hello? Mixed company.

What?

-I'm a girl! -No, you're not.

Yeah, you're just a cool guy with long hair.

So, where's your evil twin brother at?

-Jenny! -Oh, there he is.

-Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see. -Mm.

Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin.

-You do? -You guys are the worst twins ever!

[crowd cheering]

[all] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

[grunts]

[moans]

-So, when are you guys taking off? -Tomorrow morning.

Hey, Wade!

-Great party, bud. -[Wade muffled speaking]

Man, I am so excited!

A whole summer, backpacking around Europe.

You really should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty!

Oh, it's gonna be so awesome!

Yeah! Hey.

I have planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun.

You brought a guidebook to a party?

-Do you guys wanna see my itinerary? -Do you wanna see my balls?

So, you guys decide where you're gonna go first?

Paris! I can't wait.

I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie,

met a really wealthy French guy,

and they spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht.

Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy?

That sounds a little gay.

It-- it's not gay. I'm a girl. [chuckles]

-Kinda gay. -[chuckles] A little gay.

Oh, all right, I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.

-[mic static] -[indistinct clamoring]

Hey, listen up, everybody.

Gotta a little special thing I'd like to do tonight.

Going to play a little song for you...

-[boy] Yeah! -...about the nastiest,

-freakiest little sex puppet I know... -[crowd cheering]

-...Fiona. -[crowd cheering]

This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary.

-[crowd cheering continues] -["Scotty Doesn't Know" playing]

♪ Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me ♪

♪ Do it in my van every Sunday ♪

♪ She tells him she's in church But she doesn't go ♪

♪ Still she's on her knees And Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Oh, Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ So don't tell Scotty Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

[girl 1] I hope we're just as popular in college as we were in high school.

-[girl 2] Ooh, we will be. [chuckling] -[girl 1] I know.

Who needs more Chablis?

-Candy, wanna come with? -[Candy] No, I'll stay here.

[Cooper] Hello, Candy.

-Whoops! [chuckles] -[squeals]

Holy cow!

Oh, this isn't where I parked my car!

[crowd cheering]

♪ I can't believe he's so trusting ♪

♪ While I'm right behind you thrusting ♪

♪ 'Cause Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

Cooper Harris, you're a pig!

Uh, wa-- Candy, before you go, uh, you might want to clean that off.

Clean what off?

It's like, uh, dirt, or something. Just go like this.

What, no, it-- it's kind of under, and, to the side and...

under.

-Is it off? -No.

I think your top is getting in the way.

-Really? -Trust me.

That's better. Uh, well, keep rubbing it.

[crowd cheering]

♪ I did her on his birthday ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

-♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

-♪ Don't tell Scotty ♪ -♪ Don't tell Scotty ♪

-♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

[Cooper] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

No, it's just not coming off.

What is it?

Fine, I'll do it. Come here.

-Oh, my God! Candy! -[gasps]

Cooper!

Hey. [chuckles]

This isn't where I parked my car.

[screaming, groaning]

♪ Scotty doesn't know... ♪

[screams]

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't, Scotty doesn't... ♪

-Hey. -[crowd singing]

-♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪

-♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪

This band rocks! Yeah!

[crowd singing] ♪ Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't... ♪

-[splatter] -[moaning]

[flushes]

-[computer bleeping] -[computer] Mail, motherfucker!

-[keypad typing] -Hey, Mieke.

"Dear Scott,

I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you.

Since you no longer have a girlfriend,

maybe I could come to America

and we could get to know each other better.

Perhaps we could--"

"zussamen."

What the fuck is "zussamen"?

[page tearing]

"Arrange a meeting."

No, no, no! Come on! Cooper was right. This guy wants to have sex with me.

-Um, listen, Mieke. -[keypad typing]

I don't want to arrange any meetings with you,

you sick, German freak.

So-- so please, keep your hands off my genitals,

and never write to me again, and don't come to America.

Goodbye.

[computer beeping]

-[clattering] -Ow.

[dog barking]

-I'm never drinking again. -[keypad typing]

That's nice. [clears throat]

-Bert, what are you doing? -[chuckles] Reading your email.

-Don't do that. -[keypad typing continues]

Why are you wearing my bathrobe?

Oh, I'm sorry, but somebody pissed all over mine last night.

Wow. I can't believe this German chick wants to come here

and hook up with you.

Nah, I don't think so, buddy. Mieke's a guy.

Um, no, it says right here,

"trauriges mädchen."

"I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona."

I'm taking "Intro to German" and even I know that.

Come here.

He sent me a picture, retardo.

See? That's a picture of Mieke and his cute cousin, Jan.

No, retardo.

That's Jan, a man's name, and that's not "Mike,"

it's "Mieke", a common German girl's name,

similar to our Michelle.

I hope you wrote her back and told her to come visit.

You didn't?

You thought she was a guy!

I'm getting the video camera! [chuckling]

What an asshole!

No.

No.

[screams] No!

[birds screeching]

[screaming continues]

[speaking German] I don't understand you, Scott Thomas.

But if you do not want to talk to me, then I do not want to talk to you.

[beeps]

-[keypad typing] -[Scott] "Address blocked"?

-[beeping continues] -[Scott] "Email not delivered." No.

No, come on!

Hey, Mom made waffles.

-What's going on? -I'm in love with my pen pal.

I'm in love with Mieke.

Okay. Okay.

You know what? I was actually expecting this.

And frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered you picked me to come out to first.

And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause, uh...

-I think they already know. -No, you idiot. Mieke is a girl.

No, no, I get it. Yeah.

He's the girl, and you're the girl, and sometimes, uh, you're both the girl.

Right?

Right? That's hot.

But you know, whatever works for you. I'm-- I'm not gonna judge it.

Will you stop? Look, come here. Look at this picture.

-Wow. Who's the hot chick? -That's Mieke.

-I mean Mieke. -Wait, that's Mieke?

That's who you've been writing to all this time?

Yeah, you know, until last night,

when I took your advice and told her to keep her hands off my genitals.

Well, given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want.

-This is a total disaster. -Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

Though she is really hot.

You're not listening. I don't even care what she looks like.

Mieke and I, we had this incredible bond.

I told her things I couldn't even tell you.

Like what?

Nothing. It's a-- it's a figure of speech, Coop.

-No, seriously. What? -Nothing. The point is--

-You like me better, right? -Will you stop, listen.

This girl is not only smart and funny, and stunningly beautiful,

but until I screwed it up, she actually wanted to come

all the way to America just to be with me.

-So, do something about it. -What can I do?

She blocked her email account, her phone number's not listed.

The only thing I know is that she lives in Berlin.

So, go to Berlin.

I can't just go to Berlin, Coop.

-Why not? -Because...

I just can't, okay?

I'm supposed to work for my dad this summer.

That stuff looks really good on my med school application.

Oh, Jesus, Scotty!

Man, Fiona was right. You're so predictable.

[soft music playing]

-I'm going to Germany. -No...

we're going to Germany.

♪ I'm a real wild one, wild one ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

["Wild One" playing]

-How are we going to get to Germany? -Don't worry. I've got it covered.

♪ Oh ♪

[Scott] We're going to be couriers?

It's the best way to get a cheap flight.

All we have to do is carry their packages, and then drop them off when we get there.

My cousin did it when he went to India.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Of course, he, uh, ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi,

and, uh, they had to cut off his leg. [chuckles] You know.

But he got there cheap, you know what I'm saying?

Okay, I don't have anything to Germany for a week. Uh,

but I can get you both to London today for 118 dollars.

-Anything else? -Europe is, like,

the size of the Eastwood Mall. We can walk to Berlin from there.

Cooper, England's an island.

Okay, swim. Whatever.

We'll take it.

["Are You Gonna Be My Girl" playing]

♪ Be my girl! Be my girl! ♪

♪ Are you gonna be my girl? Yeah! ♪

-Hey. -Hmm?

Thanks for coming with me.

I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.

Well, forget about the law firm.

And don't thank me. I should be thanking you.

This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me

-to broaden my sexual horizons. -[chuckles]

What are you talking about?

-I'm talking about crazy European sex. -Ah.

[music playing]

-You know America was founded by prudes. -Hmm.

Prudes who left Europe because they hated

all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on.

And now, I, uh, Cooper Harris,

will return to the land of my perverted forefathers

and claim my birthright,

which is a...

series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.

You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?

It's my passion.

["In the City" playing]

♪ In the city there's a thousand faces All shining bright ♪

♪ In the city ♪

♪ And those golden faces Are under twenty-five ♪

[Scott] Come on, come on!

♪ In the city ♪

The adventure begins.

Welcome to jolly old England.

Yeah, breathe that sweet, sexy, European air.

[phone ringing]

-Oh. -What is that?

Uh, it's-- it's the phone they gave me at the law firm.

-Yeah, it's pretty neat, huh? -[phone ringing continues]

-Works anywhere. -Yeah?

Yeah. Excuse me.

Cooper here.

Hello, Mr. Walters.

Uh, yes, sir, I'm down in file storage.

Uh, hang on one second.

No, sir, I can't find the Gutterman file anywhere.

Yes-- yes, sir, I'll keep looking.

No, I don't rest until I find it.

Didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?

-They would've stopped paying me. -Right.

It seemed easier.

-So, where to? -Uh, I don't know.

First bus to Berlin doesn't leave till tomorrow morning.

What do you wanna do? Got the Tower of London,

there's Buckingham Palace.

-Eh. -There's no drinking age.

-There you go! -Come on.

-Hey! "The Feisty Goat." -[Cooper chuckles]

[upbeat music playing]

[indistinct clamoring]

All right! [claps]

What do you wanna--

[clamoring stops]

Soccer hooligans.

[flesh sizzles]

Hey, this isn't where I parked my car!

Oi!

Who the bloody hell are you?

This is a private members bar,

exclusively for the supporters

of the greatest football team in the world...

Manchester United.

Now, please, enlighten me.

[screams] Who the fuck are you?

That is a good question, and... Scotty?

Huh?

We're the Manchester United Fan Club...

from Ohio.

If you're Manchester United supporters...

sing the Manchester United song.

[clears throat] Um, excuse me, I'm sorry...

-I'm not much of a singer... -[screams] Sing!

♪ My baby takes the morning train ♪

♪ He works from nine to five and then ♪

♪ He takes another home again ♪

♪ To find me... ♪

♪ Watching The Manchester United football team! ♪

Huh?

The best freakin' team in all the land! Woo-hoo!

Pretty good.

-Pretty dang good, lads! -[all] Yeah!

[men cheering]

-[bottle opens] -[screams]

[cheering and clamoring continues]

["Morning Train" playing]

♪ My baby takes the morning train ♪

-[both laugh] -[screams]

♪ ...Till five and then ♪

♪ He takes another home again ♪

-♪ To find me waitin' for him ♪ -♪ To find me waitin' for him ♪

-♪ He's always on that morning train ♪ -♪ My baby takes the morning train ♪

♪ He works from nine till... ♪

[Jan] I've unblocked your email address,

but this Scott...

is not responding.

He was the one.

I was going to give myself to him.

Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else...

fraulein.

[funk music playing]

[Mieke yelp, chuckles]

[gasps]

[groans]

I'm never drinking again.

-[yawns] -Coop, wake up.

Oh, man, that was a wild night. [sighs]

You think?

["England 5 - Germany 1" playing]

♪ England five, Germany one Michael Owen is number one ♪

♪ England five, Germany one Michael... ♪

[Cooper] Scotty, where the hell are we going?

[Scott] Don't worry. If anything bad happens,

my parents will find us.

Honey, where's Scotty?

Cooper said they were going camping.

Oh, that's nice.

-And where's Bert? -Fuck if I know.

♪ Beckenbauer and Voller thought They'd seen it all ♪

[clamoring indistinctly]

♪ ...Emile and golden balls ♪

-[bottle shattering] -Hey! How are you, you scallywag!

Look, given the current geopolitical climate,

all European countries should have a seat at the table.

-[man 1] Right. -Except those fucking Ities.

I hate them Italian bastards.

-You know what I mean? -Excuse me.

-Hello, boyo! -So, what the hell happened last night?

-[chuckles] -You got steamed up, pissed as a fart.

Too much sauce, son.

Don't worry. I come and got you,

-so, you wouldn't miss the trip. -What-- what trip?

-[man 2] What trip? -Where are we going?

[Mad Maynard] What do you mean, "Where are we going?"

We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris.

Aren't we, boys?

-[all] Yeah! -[bottles clinking]

Why are you yelling at me?

So, I tell the swamp donkey, "Suck it,

before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance

and have her lick me yardballs! [chuckles]

Wow.

You guys are on like a completely different level

of swearing over here.

Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris.

I know. Cecil told me.

Mieke's in Berlin. We're not going to Berlin.

What are we gonna do? We need a plan.

All right, see what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking.

Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin.

It's a nothing commute.

This is why France and Germany have always been allies.

Allies.

The twins. The twins were in Paris, right?

We could give them a call. They could help us out.

Let me see you phone, I'll give 'em a call.

All right, but I'm really only supposed to use this for business calls.

-Hey, don't-- -["Guinness Boys" playing]

♪ Guinness boys... ♪

[burps]

-♪ Oh, oh! Oh, oh! ♪ -♪ Oh, oh! Oh, oh! ♪

♪ Guinness boys, we are here ♪

-♪ Oh, oh! Oh, oh! ♪ -♪ Oh, oh! Oh, oh! ♪

♪ Guinness boys we are... ♪

[horns blaring]

-Come on! -[horn honks]

You're on the wrong side of the road, you snail-eating puffs.

Fuck off! Go on, you Gaelic fucking garlic-breath tossers!

-[horn honks] -Piss off! Get in here

and say that, you froggy Itie shities!

-[horn blaring] -[Mad Maynard] Fucking beep!

We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose!

-Get out of the way! Piss off! -[horns blaring]

[men cheering]

Hey, lads!

That wanker's got a frog football shirt on!

Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking!

Come on, lads, he's going off!

[men screaming]

["England 5 - Germany 1" playing]

♪ England five, Germany one Michael Owen is number one ♪

All right. Twins said they'd meet us here.

-Hey! -[Jenny] Oh, look at that.

There they are. Come on. Jenny!

-Jamie! -[both] Hey!

-Come here! [grunting] -No, no. No, no, no!

-Scott, bienvenu a Paris. -Thank you. Thank you.

-What is that, a new camera? -This isn't just a camera,

this is a Leica M7.

-[sighs] -Uber-sensitive exposure settings,

legendary cloth shutter system.

-Let me see that thing. -No can do.

I spent the last four years tutoring lacrosse players to pay for it,

so, nobody touches my camera but me.

-So, it's like your wiener. -No, it's not like my--

-Jenny. -Cooper...

-[laughs] -[Jenny] ...leave him alone.

Wow Scotty, I still can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.

Oh, wait, no, not just any girl. Show-- show her the picture, Scotty.

She makes every girl in our high school look like a walrus.

-I'm a girl from your high school. -No, I mean "girl" girls.

Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris!

Let's go to the Louvre!

-To the Louvre! -To the Louvre!

[indistinct chatter]

["La Marseillaise" playing]

["Nonchalant" playing]

["Prosper Yop la Boum" playing]

["Nonchalant" playing]

So, you guys wanna stay here,

or should we go check out the huge line at the Eiffel Tower?

Here's a fun fact.

Voltaire contracted syphilis just two blocks from here.

-Should we go? -Can we please get out of here?

-[robot man imitates whirring] -This guy's really creeping me out.

-[Scott] Who, Robot Man? -[whirring continues]

He's just trying to feed his robot family.

-I-- I really don't like him. -Why?

It's 'cause he's doing this? [imitates the robot man]

All right. Okay, seriously, don't do that.

[imitates robot] Cooper. Do not hate me. [imitates whirring]

I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...

[imitates whirring]

Freaky. [imitates whirring]

[whirrs]

[both imitate whirring]

[speaking French] What do you think you are doing?

What do you think you are doing? I am the only robot on this corner.

[chuckles] You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay.

-[imitates whirring] -[coins clattering]

[robot man and Scott imitate whirring]

[camera shutter clicking]

[speaking French] That is not a real robot move.

You are not a real robot.

-[grunts] -[all gasps]

-Oh. -[both imitate whirring]

["Two Tribes" playing]

-Fight! Fight! -[both imitates whirring]

Break the leg, Scott!

♪ One is all that you can score ♪

♪ Score no more, score no more ♪

♪ When two tribes go to war ♪

♪ One is all that you can score ♪

Ah, ah, ah-- [groans]

Don't look in his eyes, Scotty. Don't look in his eyes!

[imitate whirring continues]

-Oh! No! -That was not cool.

[robotic laughing]

-[laughing continues] -[Scott imitates whirring]

[grunts]

[ratcheting]

-[screams] -[shrieks]

♪ Somethin' this good died ♪

-[groans] -[both] Oh!

[applause]

[groans]

-[Scott] Guys, let's go. Come on. -[camera shutter clicks]

[groans] [speaking French] Ow! My robot balls!

-Error! Error! Error! -[thud]

-[accordion playing] -[Scott] How cool is this?

It's a shame that we only get to spend one day together.

-Why don't you come to Berlin with us? -Mm, no.

Jamie, come on. In a few months, we're all going off to different colleges.

This could be the last chance

that the four of us are together like this.

Plus, we're in Europe. Huh?

This should be the trip of a lifetime.

There's no way we should split up.

All right, this table is now Europe, okay?

-[clears throat] -Okay.

-We are right here, in Paris... -[spoons clanking]

...and I have got to get to Mieke,

who is over here, in Berlin.

And Jamie, if you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton

of great stuff that you can see, it's right along the way.

-We can go to Denmark. -I love Denmark.

We gotta hit Amsterdam.

-Definitely. -Ah.

And the cathedral at Camaret!

-Yeah. Maybe -Maybe. We'll see.

-[Cooper] Whatever. -If there's time.

Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.

Fine.

-Excellent! -All right! All right!

A toast!

-A toast! -Yes! Mm-hmm.

To Mieke!

-To Europe! -To Europe!

[all] To Europe!

[Scott] Merci.

Berlin, here we come!

-All right. -You better let me hold on to those.

[upbeat music playing]

-What the hell is that? -It's a traveler's money belt.

Frommer's says as long as you have one of these,

no one can rob you of anything.

-Except your dignity. -No, you just put that in your--

Wait, what?

[Scott] Come on, guidebook. Let's go.

[female announcer over PA speaking French]

-[Cooper] Check it out. -[vending machine rattling]

European ass.

[funk music playing]

What's up?

Oh, Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some...

girl. Come on. Platform four.

-Thanks. -[rattling]

Damn!

I believe this is yours.

Pleased to meet you.

My name is Christoph.

-[Jamie] Jenny, let's go! -[Cooper] Come on, move it!

Those are my friends. We're supposed to get on a train to Berlin--

-[Cooper] Jenny! -[screams] I'm coming!

So, it was really nice to meet you.

The pleasure was all mine...

Jennifer.

["Ca Plane Pour Moi" playing]

[train whistling]

[singing] ♪ Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me ♪

♪ Do it in my van on Sundays ♪

♪ Tells him she's-- ♪

What?

You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.

♪ Tells him she's in church ♪

-♪ But she doesn't go ♪ -♪ But she doesn't go ♪

-♪ Still she's on her knees ♪ -♪ Still she's on her knees ♪

-♪ And Scotty doesn't know ♪ -♪ And Scotty doesn't know ♪

Buongiorno.

-Buongiorno. -[door shuts]

You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.

Huh?

Ah, si. Si.

[music playing]

[train chugging]

[Jamie clears throat]

-Pardon me. -Eh?

Ah.

Mi scusi.

Mi scusi.

-[squeals] -[Jamie grunting]

-Hi. -Buongiorno.

[train chugging]

-What-- what the hell are you doing? -Oh.

Mi scusi, mi scusi.

-No! No, no, no, no, no! -Mi scusi, mi scusi, mi scusi, mi scusi.

-Uh-oh. -What?

Big tunnel.

[Jamie] Who's touching me?

-Scotty, is that you? -[Jenny squealing]

-[Jamie] Who's touching me? Scotty! -[Cooper] Scotty!

["Hot Stuff" playing]

♪ Gonna need your love tonight ♪

[screaming]

Mi scusi.

[Scott] Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.

[birds chirping]

Well, we got a couple of hours to kill.

-What's there to see in this town? -[Jamie chuckles]

Hello? The Monument des Poissonières.

It's a monument to all the local fishermen that were lost at sea.

Frommer's says it's supposed to be... "quite moving."

What the hell is wrong with you, C-3PO?

We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue.

I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.

Huh.

Says here, this town has a famous nude beach.

All right, look, we can't all just lie around all day.

We gotta get out there and experience the culture firsthand.

Let's go exploring!

So, what's the etiquette on boners?

Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it,

or is it cool to just let my flag fly?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Does nude beach mean we have to get naked, too?

Of course.

Do you think you can go an hour

without your currency colostomy bag?

Hey! Hey, as long as this thing has our money and our passports in it,

it's not coming off, and I don't think my trunks are coming off, either.

Oh, come on, Jamie.

You came all the way to Europe.

Can't wimp out now.

-Okay. -All right, on the count of three.

-Here we go. -[clears throat]

Three, two, one...

-[Cooper chuckling] Look at Jamie's penis! -[Scott chuckling]

-Very funny. Very funny. -All right. All right.

[clears throat]

Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin.

-Here we go. -Really?

-Yes. -Mm-hmm.

[all] Whoo!

[Cooper] Hello, ladies!

[clamoring]

-Ladies? -Bitches?

[Scott] Ugh! What a rip! There's no nude girls here,

it's just guys like us looking for nude girls.

I don't understand.

"Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent.

However...

during the summer months, all the European women

are chased away by gawking male tourists,

so, Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach

right next to the Monument des Poissonières."

[girls squealing, laughing]

-The monument is very moving. -Let's make out.

There's so many penises.

Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.

This is the biggest sausage fest on Earth.

It's the international house of sausage.

[Jenny] Hey!

Thanks for waiting.

Well, it's not like you're missing anything.

It's all guys.

Huh. At least, the sun's out.

♪ My dreams come true ♪

♪ True, true, true, true, true True, true, true, true, true ♪

["Make My Dreams Come True" playing]

♪ And make my dreams come true ♪

-♪ True, true, true, true, true, true ♪ -♪ Dreams come true ♪

Holy crap!

What? I thought this is a nude beach.

No!

-[thud] -[Jamie groaning]

-Huh? -[Jamie] No.

-What? What are you doing? -No. No, Jenny, you gotta cover up.

Cover up, cover up, cover up.

[all] Girl?

[all clamoring] Girl!

[all] Girl... girl, girl.

Girl... girl...

-Run! -[Jenny screams]

[men chanting] Girl, girl...

[groans]

I'm not gonna make it.

-Go on without me. -All right. See ya.

[screams]

Chica!

[men chanting continues]

[man] Chica! Chica!

["Les Promesses" playing]

Are you reading, uh, Mieke's old emails again?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[chuckles] I have no idea what I'm going to say to that girl when I see her.

You know, she said I might be the one?

That's huge.

I've never been "the one" before.

Thought maybe, I was "the one" with Fiona, but it turns out I was more like, what,

-Hundred and one? Two hundred. [chuckles] -Two hundred.

Look, you got nothing to worry about.

You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I will, won't I?

I'm so sad and lonely.

I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.

-Mieke! I'm here. -[dramatic music playing]

-Scotty! -Mieke, listen. About that last email.

-I'm so sorry-- -The past is the past.

You're here now.

I've been saving myself for you.

Let us make love for one whole month.

["Du" playing]

Touch me, Scotty.

Okay.

Oh, Scotty...

-Mi bello. -[sighs]

-[moaning] -Mi bello.

Mi bello.

Mi bello.

-[gasps] -Mi scusi.

[both scream]

[all screaming]

["Hot Stuff" playing]

♪ Hot stuff, baby this evenin' ♪

♪ Gotta have some hot stuff ♪

-♪ Gotta have some love tonight ♪ -♪ Hot stuff ♪

[Scott] So, guys, our train doesn't leave until tomorrow morning.

Where are we gonna sleep tonight?

[Cooper] What do you mean, sleep?

We can sleep on the train tomorrow.

This is the best thing that could've happened to us.

We're in Amsterdam!

This is the drug and sex capital of Europe!

Take a look at this.

"Club Vandersexxx."

"The red-light district's hottest sex club."

We have to check it out. Who's with me?

I'll go.

Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.

["The Bad Touch" playing]

♪ You, I see ♪

♪ Sitting waiting for me ♪

This is definitely where I parked my car.

["Tonight" playing]

[Madame Vandersexxx] Hello there.

Welcome to Club Vandersexxx,

Amsterdam's most erotic club,

where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.

Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.

He's American.

How sad for you to grow up in a country that was founded by prudes.

A country overrun with crime and illiteracy.

A country where a man is forced to make sex

to only one woman at a time,

and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.

-It was horrible. -Mm-hmm, I know.

But you can come with me,

and let the Vandersexxx begin.

[moans]

♪ Marijuana in my soul ♪

♪ Marijuana in my... ♪

[Scott] I can't believe we're doing this.

[Jenny] Don't worry. Hash brownies are totally legal here.

["I Love Marijuana" playing]

You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical. [clicks tongue]

♪ I like to smoke marijuana ♪

♪ It gives me a deep... ♪

-You wanna do this? Uh-huh. -Yeah.

[bell chimes]

-Hi. -Hi.

I need a new battery for my camera.

And while you're at it, it could use a thorough cleaning.

Wow.

Is that a Leica M6?

Actually, it's an M7. It's got the built-in light meter.

It's so beautiful.

So sleek, so powerful.

-How's the new lens system? -[chuckles]

Makes a Nikon look like a disposable.

You really know your cameras.

And you're very cute.

Me? Really?

I'm going on a break.

I was going to step out back and have a cigarette.

Would you like to join me?

[stammers] I don't smoke.

Neither do I.

[music playing]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What is it?

This is great!

You're so innocent.

Let's change that, shall we?

What would you like me to do?

W-- whoa, well, I don't really know,

I gue-- I guess, I really haven't done that much.

Um, I haven't really found the time, with all my-- all my extracurriculars,

and model UN, advanced placement classes, after-school tutor--

[moans]

Gosh, you really like cameras!

Sometimes, we find that our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure,

that they sometimes scream out, "no,"

-when really they mean, "yes." -Uh-huh.

And this is why we have the safe word.

The "safe word"?

If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word.

Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.

-Yeah, right. Stop. All right. -[woman chuckles]

-We're going to start slowly... -[chain rattling]

...teasing you

-with a little light erotic foreplay. -Oh.

Wee! [chuckles] Oh, oh.

[chuckles] Yes, ladies!

On, on, Vandersexxx!

[metal rock music playing]

[static crackling]

Hans! Gruber!

Hi.

So, are the girls com-- coming back?

Administer the testicle clamps!

Huh? What? Hey!

-[crackles] -[machine whirring]

Safe word!

What is that?

That's not a word, it's a, "Fluggen-kliggin-kien?"

-"Flugga--" Ow! Ow! Ow! [groaning] -[static crackling]

[screams] Flugga!

[moans, chuckles]

Oh. [moans]

-Okay, mister, don't move. -Excuse me?

Shut the hell up!

Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me.

Oh, no, no-- no, you-- you're fine. That's good. You're fine.

Give me cash. You got cash? Give me cash.

Uh, take it all, you dirty girl.

What? Your wallet! Focus!

-Give it to me. -[moans]

Oh, I love you!

I love you!

I Lo-- I love you!

I love you!

[Jenny laughing]

[laughs]

-What's so funny? [laughs] -[laughs]

[laughing becomes distorted]

Hmm. I'm really hungry. I think I've got the munchies.

-Excuse me. Oh. -Huh?

It's hot in here. You hot? 'Cause I'm-- I'm really hot.

-[moans] So good. -Okay, I can't breathe! God!

I'm freaking out!

And I think we got a bad batch 'cause I'm freaking out.

[gasping] I can't-- I can't do this.

I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in.

The girls never came. The girls never came!

I am freaking out! [gasping]

-Everything all right with you, man? -No, nothing's all right.

You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies. You're a bad, bad Rastafarian.

These are not hash brownies.

Hmm?

-What was that? -We do not serve hash brownies here.

We're a simple Dutch bakery!

Now put your clothes back on, white boy!

-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [groaning] -[toy clanking]

-"Fluggengegeholen!" -[toy clanking]

Did you say fluggegecheimen?

Yes! Yes!

-For the love of God, fluggengecheimen! -[toy clanking stops]

-Are you sure? -Yes, please.

As you wish.

Bring on the fluggegecheimen!

-[machine whirring] -[clanks]

Wait, what? What--

Uh-oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I didn't say fluggegecheimen...

-[machine whirs] -...I said, uh...

[speaking indistinctly]

-[screams] -[clanks]

What'd you do last night?

I don't want to talk about it.

What did you guys do?

-Don't want to talk about it. -Don't want to talk about it.

What is that?

Free T-shirt.

[upbeat music playing]

Hey, guys.

-What happened to you? -I got robbed.

It was awesome!

[Jenny] All our money, our passports, our tickets,

everything, gone!

How the hell could this happen?

We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up!

For shame!

[phone ringing]

That's me.

Coop here. Sorry.

Hello, Mr. Walters.

What do you mean you never got the Gutterman file?

I told, uh, Humphrey to give it to you.

That's hogwash. I-- I handed it to him myself yesterday.

Yes, sir, I will tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately.

Bye.

-This job's killing me. -[horn blaring]

[speaking German]

-Um... -[Scott] Uh, let me handle this.

I speak bad German.

-Hallo. -Hallo.

Um...

[in German] My German is ill...

but I can understand you if the speaking is slowly.

[in German] German! [chuckles]

I've been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days,

and I am wired on schnapps, Benzedrine, and those chocolate covered peanuts.

-What did he say? -He said he's driving...

-Oh. -[Scott] ...something.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[in German] Uh, do you know where is Berlin?

Berlin?

Berlin? Yes, I know it well.

I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. [chuckles]

But I am going nowhere near Berlin. [chuckles]

-Berlin? Berlin. -Berlin!

I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin. [chuckles]

-He's going to Berlin! -Awesome!

[in German] Nowhere near Berlin!

-[Cooper] All right! Berlin! -Thank you. Come on,

-let's go! -[Jenny] Whoa!

[chuckles]

[in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff...

before I ever go back to Berlin.

Next stop, Berlin!

["Keine Uberdosis Deutschland" playing]

[sighs] Beautiful! We made it to Berlin.

[in German] Yeah. Berlin! [chuckles]

No one from Berlin will ever find me in Bratislava.

-Bratislava? -Yeah.

Bratislava!

[Scott] Dear sweet mother of God.

We're in Eastern Europe.

["The Sacred War" playing]

-[water splashes] -[Jenny shuddering]

[dog growling]

Excuse me.

You, uh, you speak any English?

You are Americans?

Yeah.

I love America.

We just get Miami Vice on television.

Hey, man, Miami Vice is number one new show.

-[chuckling] -Yeah. Um,

listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany.

Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?

Oh, yes, very soon. They are building it now.

[clears throat, sniffles]

Stop! Hammer time!

Enjoy Bratislava!

It's good you came in summer.

In winter, it can get very depressing.

[Jenny] Okay, we gotta figure something out.

How much money do we have?

Frommer's travel tip.

I don't have anything.

What? I got nothing-- Fine.

A dollar and 83 cents American.

What are we gonna get with that?

[classical music playing]

Gotta love that exchange rate!

Yes.

[waiter] Dinner is served.

Would the masters care for anything else?

-Think we're good. Thanks. -[coin clinks]

Oh! A nickel! [chuckles]

You see this?

-I quit! [chuckles] -[groans]

I open my own hotel!

[Scott] So, we got 27 cents left.

What is there to do in this town?

["Scotty Doesn't Know Euro Version" playing]

♪ My Scotty, Scotty, Scotty ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Don't tell Scotty ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know... ♪

Hey, this song sounds familiar.

♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

Jenny, let me check your coat.

[indistinct chattering]

["Horndog" playing]

-[Jenny] Hey! -[Cooper] Jenny!

That outfit is horrible! Just take it off. Now!

[laughs]

No, but I will let you buy me a drink.

[Christoph] Excuse me!

You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you?

-My name is-- -Christoph.

[chuckles] Yes.

-What are you doing here? -Well, this is my place.

My family owns many nightclubs throughout Europe.

I'd be honored if you'd join me in my V.I.P. room for a drink.

Okay.

Bye, Cooper.

-[Scott] What's that? -It's absinthe.

Frommer's says it's illegal in the States

because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy.

They call it "the green fairy."

My family has a yacht in the Aegean.

Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.

Oh, my God!

We will swim with dolphins, and sip champagne by moonlight.

Oh, my God!

We'll spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine.

My wife makes the best sangria.

-Wait, what? -Sangria.

Well, you take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange, and--

No, no, no, wait. You said you were married?

So, you just go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?

No, please, Jennifer. It is not like that.

I also sleep with men.

I gotta say I'm not feeling anything.

Me neither.

Sober as a judge.

♪ Hit me with the horndog... ♪

-How 'bout you? -I'm not feeling a goddamn thing.

This absinthe is bullshit!

-I hear you, my brother. -[dings]

I'm outta here.

Excuse me.

-Hey, so where's Christoph? -Shut up.

♪ Hit me with the horndog Hit me with the horndog ♪

♪ Come on everybody get loose tonight ♪

♪ Throw a hand in the air If ya feelin' all right ♪

♪ We don't care if you stare 'Cause the music is tight ♪

♪ Lemme hear ya say, yeah We can do this right ♪

♪ Come on everybody get loose tonight ♪

♪ Throw a hand in the air If ya feelin' all right ♪

♪ We don't care if you stare 'Cause the music is tight ♪

♪ Lemme hear ya say, yeah We can do this right ♪

♪ Come on! Co-- co-- co Baby, come on! Co-- co-- co ♪

♪ Come on, co-- co... ♪

-[Cooper] Europe! -[Scott] Europe!

[Jenny] Europe!

So, tomorrow, Berlin.

Tomorrow, Mieke!

♪ How does it feel like ♪

♪ To sail in on the breeze... ♪

Check it out.

[Cooper] No way!

Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it!

It's just so unfair. I've been all over the place,

looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up getting--

-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!

["Let Forever Be" playing]

That is some pretty fucked-up shit.

[scream]

They really are the worst twins ever.

[continue screaming]

[somber music playing]

That was a pretty wild night, eh?

Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild.

I know I was out of control.

-How about you guys? Did you, uh... -All right, look. We were really drunk,

things got a little crazy, and Jamie...

kissed me.

Let's just forget about it, okay?

Okay, fine. I'll-- I'll give it a rest.

[clears throat]

Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's?

Oh, here it is. Bratislava.

Huh? Capital of Slovakia.

Oh, here's a fun fact.

You made out with your sister, man!

-Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! -Like two dogs in heat...

[Jamie screaming]

[car horn blaring "Dixie" theme]

My friends, where is the beef? [chuckles]

You go to Berlin? I'm your ride.

Hop in.

["99 Red Balloons" playing]

[Scott] Hey. This is Mieke's apartment building.

Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.

You'll do great, Scotty.

Thanks.

[soft music playing]

I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this.

-[bell ringing] -[door opens]

-Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run! -Stop. [chuckles]

[speaking German]

[speaking German loudly]

Hi, uh, my name is Scott Thomas.

I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.

I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.

-Do you know where she is? -She's gone for the summer.

Danke.

Danke!

[speaking German]

My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America,

looking at colleges and visiting some friends.

But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind.

She would not tell me why.

I think I know why.

Heinrich. [speaking German]

Ja, Papa.

This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother.

[Mieke's father] As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left.

It was all very sudden.

[Scott] Well, do you know where she is now?

[Father] As you know, she's always been very interested in the classics,

Greek and Roman literature and history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean,

so, she found a program that combines all her interests.

-Well, do you know where she is? -Mm.

Uh, she enrolled in a summer at sea program based in Rome.

Rome.

Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.

Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation.

Uh, tomorrow, her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer,

and she'll be, uh, quite unreachable.

-[Heinrich thumping] -Unreachable.

Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow,

then she gets on that boat and she's gone.

So, it's over?

[somber music playing]

Uh, hey, thanks for sticking with me through all this, guys, but...

you should probably call your parents,

have them wire you some money and go home.

And what are you gonna do?

I'm going to Rome.

I'll walk, I'll hitchhike,

I'll swim if I have to, but I'm gonna get to Mieke somehow.

[music intensifies]

Maybe that'll help.

Where'd you get all that?

Wait. Where's your Leica?

-Sold it. -What?

You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing.

What-- what about your photo tour of Europe? What about the chateaus?

Chateaus have been there for 300 years.

Mieke's gone in 12 hours.

Come on, let's go! Frommer's says you're supposed to check in

three hours before any international flight.

Come here, guidebook! [grunts] Whoo!

We're going to Rome.

-We're going to Rome! -[laughs, squeals]

["Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" playing]

♪ Be my girl! ♪

♪ Be my girl! ♪

♪ Are you gonna be my girl? Yeah ♪

♪ Be my girl! ♪

♪ Be my girl ♪

♪ Are you gonna be my girl? Yeah ♪

All right, summer-at-sea group.

Our tour begins in the Vatican museum.

This way, please.

There it is.

[guard] [speaking Italian]

This entrance is for private tour groups only.

Oh, but we are a private tour group.

We've come all the way from America.

That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.

[groans]

Si, I can tell.

Very, very sad.

Yes, it is.

But if you are a tour, where is your guide?

We've got a fantastic tour guide.

-Right here. Ha-ha. [grunts] -What? No--

The Vatican has been used as a papal residence

ever since the time of Emperor Constantine the Great

of the fifth century A.D.!

-[metal clanks] -[guard] speaking Italian]

Ah. Okay, um,

if you'll all follow me, please. [clears throat]

Have a very special day

for a very special little man.

Okay.

I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard!

-Okay, let's go find Mieke. -Scusate.

One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick.

-Could you please take these peoples also? -[indistinct chatter]

[coughing]

-How big is Vatican City? -Point five square kilometers.

-Who built the colonnades? -Gian Lorenzo Bernini, 1656.

-Uh, where are the bathrooms? -Floors two, six and seven.

Next, I'll take you to where the College of Cardinals

elects a new pope. When this happens, white smoke

is sent up from the Vatican. Here's a fun fact...

Mieke's gotta be around here somewhere.

Let's go.

Behind me is the Appartamento Papale,

or "Papal Apartment." We're obviously not permitted.

-Excuse me, miss. What is this? -[tour guide] Oh.

That is the Bell of San Marco.

When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome

rings this bell to notify the people of Rome.

Next, we will view the Sistine Chapel. Follow me, please.

-[door closing] -Come on. I think I heard them.

Which way did they go?

That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

Good enough for me.

Hey, check it out!

I wonder what this does.

It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go.

[Cooper] They got a lot of old stuff here.

[bell tolls]

-Dio mio. -[tolling continues]

The Bell of San Marco!

[crowd clamoring]

The pope is dead!

Whoa.

She's not in here.

Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.

[Cooper] Hey, check this out!

-I'm the pope! -Cooper...

take off the pope hat.

-Oh, no. It's okay. I'm Catholic. -Cooper, take it off, goddammit!

Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.

Take that fudging thing off!

-The pope breaks an open-field tackle. -Stop it. Cooper.

-It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the 40... -Cooper, come here.

-the 30, the 20, the ten... -[groans]

Touchdown, pope!

The pope makes a two-point conversion. [chuckling]

-[Scott speaking indistinctly] -And, oh, my Lord! It's the pope, eight,

and the heathens, nothing! [chuckles]

How's you, sucka?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

Cooper, the hat! The hat!

The hat is on fire!

♪ We don't need no water Let the mother-- ♪

I'm not kidding! Look!

Oh. Holy shit!

I don't want this!

The fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go!

-[fire igniting] -Whoa!

[man] White smoke!

They've elected the new pope!

[crowd clamoring]

I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square

where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move,

has just elected a new pope.

The crowd is very, very excited.

This is so strange.

Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope.

We could be seeing history in the making!

We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

[coughs]

There she is.

Mieke.

Hey! Stupid curtain! [grunting]

Let me out! [groaning]

Mieke!

It's the new pope!

[crowd cheering]

-What the hell? -[crowd cheering over TV]

-Mieke! -[crowd gasps]

-[Scott] Hold on! -[metal clanks]

This is one crazy pope.

[grunts, screams]

[crowd gasping]

[thud]

[guard] You!

-Ferma! Stop! You! -[crowd speaking indistinctly]

You... and your retarded friend,

-you're in big, big trouble. -[Mad Maynard] Oi!

["England 5 - Germany 1" playing]

♪ England five, Germany one Michael Owen is number one... ♪

Take your mitts off them boys!

They're with me!

I've just about had enough of you fuckin' Ities!

But I am Swiss!

Them, too!

[guard chuckles]

Now, bud, you get in there...

and you say what you got to say.

Mieke. I'm here.

I made it.

Who are you?

[crowd] Aw!

[Bert laughing]

What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.

Uh, I'm Scott.

From Ohio?

Scott?

[chuckles] Scott Thomas?

-Yes. -From Ohio?

-What are you doing in Rome? -[Scott] I came here to be with you.

Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe. I--

I got-- I got chased by naked men.

I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them.

I watched a brother and sister make out.

I-- I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that...

So, I could tell you one thing.

-I love you, Mieke. -[crowd] Aw!

We're perfect for each other. What do you think?

I think...

[both moaning]

-Oh, Mike. M-- Mieke! -[Mieke moaning]

-[Mieke moaning] Oh! -[Scott moaning] Oh, God!

[woman] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I have cheated on my husband.

Do you think God will ever forgive me?

Oh, yes! [moans]

-Father? -[both moaning]

-Father! [screams] -[thumps]

[moaning continues]

This sucks.

I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here.

Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.

I know.

I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.

What?

[Mieke laughing]

-Scott, I have to go. -[Scott] Okay.

-[chuckles] My boat is leaving. -[Scott sighs]

[sighs] I still can't believe you came all the way here,

just for me.

What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.

Keep writing to me, Scott, okay?

Yeah, I will.

[both chuckle]

[upbeat music playing]

Yes! Yes! Yes! Woo-hoo!

Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together.

This was the best time of my life.

-[indistinct chatter] -[chuckles]

[Arthur] Excuse me.

You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?

-Listen, I'm very sorry-- -I just wanted to thank you.

You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic,

tour guide I've ever had.

[chuckles] Thanks.

But I'm not actually a tour guide.

Um, I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized.

Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.

How would you like to add them?

Excuse me?

That's my guidebook.

I'm Arthur Frommer.

[Jamie] It's amazing!

Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.

-[chuckles] -That sounds so exciting...

-for you. -Hey.

I figured, since you're going to be staying,

you might need this.

-A disposable camera. -That's right.

Thanks, Scotty.

That's from both of us.

-[phone beeping] -[music playing]

["Scotty Doesn't Know" playing on phone]

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ So don't tell Scotty ♪

Hello, Mr. Walters.

I see.

Fired? Well, I--

Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just...

Goodbye, sir.

-They had to catch you eventually, right? -No, they fired Humphrey.

-Shut up! -Yeah, I got his office and a raise.

-No! -[chuckles]

[female announcer over PA] Flight 341 from Rome to Cleveland...

-[Scott clears throat] -That's you guys.

-Have a good flight, everybody. -Come here.

[grunts]

Be good.

-Oh, okay. -[Cooper grunting]

-Cooper, have a good flight. -Be good.

Thanks.

♪ Don't be sad ♪

[Jenny chuckling]

[upbeat music playing]

I'm on it.

Whoa!

-[toilet door shuts] -[dings]

[Cooper] This still counts as Europe, right?

[sighs]

[rock music playing]

[Scott] Dear Mieke,

Greece sounds incredible.

I just moved into my dorm room today,

but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break.

This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct.

[phone ringing]

-Hello? -Hey buddy, how's college?

[Scott] Hey, I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.

Do they room all you pre-med geeks together?

I'm not sure I'm going pre-med.

I'm thinking about majoring in German.

[Cooper] German? I've got a better idea.

Why don't you major in not being such a woman?

So, how's Jenny?

Jenny... Jenny who?

I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all-- Ow!

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Scotty, what's up?

Hi, Jenny!

Have you heard from Jamie? How he doing with Frommer?

-Oh, no. -[music playing]

Hold on.

Come here, robot!

-Cooper, not again! -[door knocking]

Oh. Hold on, this could be my new roommate.

[door opens]

[Cooper] What's the freak look like?

Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me.

Is he bigger than me?

I just got your last email. What are you doing here?

Going to college.

You're going to college here?

-What dorm? -This one.

Room 214.

-[chuckles] -How is this possible?

I guess they thought I was a guy.

Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

[upbeat music playing]

[both chuckle]

[Cooper] Do I hear kissing?

Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?

[chuckles]

[Cooper] Scotty?

-Scotty? Scotty! -[Mieke and Scott kissing, laughing]

♪ Scotty doesn't know That Fiona and me... ♪

This happy ending is bullshit.

When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.

[dings]

♪ Still she's on her knees And Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Oh, Scotty doesn't know ♪

-Catchy tune. -Fuckin'-A, man.

♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ So don't tell Scotty! ♪

♪ Fiona says she's out shopping ♪

♪ But she's under me And I'm not stopping ♪

-♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪

-♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪

-Hello! -[gasps]

And welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.

-Sounds great. -[Jenny] Thanks.

There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby.

♪ I can't believe he's so trusting ♪

[laughs]

♪ While I'm right behind you thrusting ♪

-Get it? Good. -She got it.

If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen,

I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now.

You can also try hiding your valuables...

in your anus.

-[glass shatters] -Drink?

♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪ ♪ Scotty doesn't know! ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know! Don't tell Scotty! ♪

I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, okay?

-[laughing] -Ready?

Quit. Shut up. Sorry...

-Yeah, yeah. [chuckles] -...I know I fucked it up. Fucked it up

This time, this time.

-Yes! You take her hair... -[both moaning]

...and one strand at a time, pull it out!

Use her like a humping post!

Jenny, this is Europe.

They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos.

-[dings] -[cartoon voice] Hapi Djus. [giggles]

You gotta show them something they haven't seen before.

♪ Fiona's got him on the phone ♪

♪ And she's trying not to moan... ♪

[laughs] Oh no!

♪ It's a three-way call And he knows nothing ♪

♪ Nothing, Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring,

or the fireworks factory upstairs,

you will be incinerated,

along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus.

♪ So don't tell Scotty We'll put on a show ♪

♪ Everyone'll go ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ The parking lot why not? ♪

[imitates robotic whirring]

♪ It's so cool when you're on top... ♪

-[water bubbling] -[Candy chuckling]

♪ Life is so hard 'Cause Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

Fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers!

Go on, you Gaelic fucking garlic-breath tossers!

Piss off! Get in here and say that, mate!

Come on! Fucking come and have it!

You fucking beep?

We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose!

Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards!

Get on the other side of the road, you pricks!

Go on out of it!

Fuck off! [pants] I'm knackered.

-[crew laughing and applauding] -Leeds supporters.

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know... ♪

-[laughs] -No, wait. Oh!

♪ Don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know ♪

No. No. Guys. A little help?

[Jenny] Hey! Check these out! I'm 18 years old.

♪ Gonna tell Scotty, gonna tell myself ♪

♪ Scotty has to know Scotty has to know ♪

♪ Scotty has to, Scotty has to Scotty has to go ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know ♪

♪ Scotty doesn't, Scotty doesn't Scotty doesn't ♪

-♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

-♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

-♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪ -♪ Scotty doesn't know ♪

[screams]

♪ Scotty gotta go! ♪

["Get Loose" playing]

♪ I came into this world as a Gemini ♪

♪ Be getting' high in the la Till the day that I die - Jah ♪

♪ So hear the words that I'm spilling ♪

♪ Crack a brew or two And now you know I'm cold chilling ♪

♪ You'll never see the D sip-sippin' On some sizurp ♪

♪ I skip the main course And go straight for the dizzert ♪

♪ And now I want to party with you Come on babe now ♪

♪ Do whatcha do, come on everybody Get loose tonight ♪

♪ Throw a hand in the air If ya feelin' all right ♪

♪ We don't care if you stare 'Cause the music is tight ♪

♪ Lemme hear ya say, yeah We can do this right ♪

♪ Come on, everybody, get loose tonight ♪

♪ Throw a hand in the air If ya feelin' all right ♪

♪ We don't care if you stare 'Cause the music is tight ♪

♪ Lemme hear ya say, yeah We can do this right ♪

♪ Come on! Co-- co-- co-- baby, come on! ♪

♪ Co-- co-- co-- baby, come on! Co-- co-- co-- baby, come on, everybody! ♪

♪ Come on! Co-- co-- co-- baby, come on! ♪

♪ Co-- co-- co-- baby, come on ♪

♪ Co-- co-- co-- baby, come on Everybody! ♪

[song ends]

-Is it off yet? -No, keep rubbing it.