Original subtitles

That's all I ever get from you, a lot of hard-luck stories.

Come back here, I'll give you an assignment.

It'll be your last interview with the cashier!

Stew. Stew Smith!

Mr. Conroy. Give me a crack at that Schuyler story, will you?

If you ever got into a drawing room, you'd step on a sliding rug.

Stew's the only man with brains enough for this.

- Scram! Did you find Stew? - Not yet.

- Did you look in...? - First place I looked.

Not there?

For crying out loud, where is that guy? Go dig him up.

Stew. Stew Smith!

There it is...

Pray for me, Gallagher, pray for me.

- Hold everything. - Stew, your hands are shaking.

- You've been drinking again. - Come on. Come on. Here they come.

- Here they come. - The boss is getting hoarse.

That's the third one.

If I don't make that last one, I know a sob sister that's gonna get a kick...

Almost had that.

Stew! Stew Smith!

What? The screen?

Gallagher! I made it!

Come over here!

Look, I quit.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You're always picking on me.

It took three hours to get those little gadgets in those holes...

...and you screw it up in a minute. Look.

It's not as easy as it look, isn't it?

No wonder you're batty.

Would it be imposing too much if I asked you to do a little work?

Just to sort of break the monotony?

With me, you can always do business.

You know what to do in a drawing room?

It's not knowing what to do, it's knowing how to get in one that counts.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

Now listen, we've got a tip.

The Schuylers finally made a deal with that chorus dame.

- Gloria Golden? - Yeah, little Gloria.

The human cash register. Got her hooks in the Schuyler kid.

- Right for the first time this year. - It's only April.

- Get going. - Get going where?

I can write that story without leaving the office.

And get us into a million-dollar libel suit. It wouldn't be the first time.

Get over there and get a statement out of the old lady, the sister, or the kid.

- Any of them, but get it. - All right.

- Give me a voucher for expenses. - What expenses?

All you need is carfare to Long Island.

And you better get a shave and a shine.

You're gonna have a tough time getting in there as it is.

I know those bluenoses.

Their ancestors refused to come on the Mayflower...

...because they didn't want to rub elbows with tourists.

So they swam over.

Dexter Grayson, if you're any kind of a lawyer, you'll get those letters back.

But I keep telling you how difficult it is, Mrs. Schuyler.

The last time I asked her, she made very uncouth noises with her mouth.

I don't know why you're making all this fuss. I only sent six.

If you had to do it, why didn't you tell it to her instead of writing?

- I couldn't get her on the phone. - Imbecile!

You should have known better than to write, Romeo.

- I found that out a long time ago. - I should say you had.

At the rate you two are going...

...we'll have to leave the country to save our faces.

Splendid, Mother! Let's hop over to Monte Carlo.

- It's a great place to save a face. - Oh, shut up.

- What is it, Smythe? - Pardon me, madam...

...but what am I to say to the newspapermen?

Dexter, go out and tell those ruffians I have nothing to say.

You can't do that. Leave it to me. I know how to handle reporters.

All right then, get it over with.

We've decided to see the reporters. Send the man from The Tribune first.

- Very good. - Smythe.

Some bicarbonate of soda. Double-strength.

I know those newsmongers will upset me.

I anticipated it, madam. The bicarbonate is ready.

Hey, Bingy, you'll find the silverware in the dining room.

Much obliged.

Mr. Grayson has decided to see you.

The gentleman from The Tribune first.

There are no gentlemen on The Tribune.

I understand, sir.

Hey, take it easy, take it easy.

Listen, my boy, no use you hanging around here.

Just buy a Tribune, read it, rewrite, and you use it for your last edition.

Never make the last edition.

It'd take me hours to translate your story into English.

- Is that so? - I'm afraid.

Take off your hat. You might make an impression.

Impossible. Put it on again.

Hey, make up your mind, will you?

Hi, folks.

Ain't there a "bless you" in the crowd?

- You're the Tribune man? - Yeah. Hello, how are you?

Fine. Have a seat.

Thanks, I will.

This way.

Oh, boy.

- Fine newspaper, The Tribune. - Well, I should say.

- I knew your managing editor well. - Is that so?

Yale. '21, I believe.

We were classmates.

She got a cold?

I got him his job on the paper. I'm a stockholder, you know.

Is that so?

- One Tribune man to another. - Yeah.

Right now I'm acting in the capacity of Mrs. Schuyler's attorney.

That's all right with me. I won't hold it against you.

- But I'm over here to find out about... - I know. I know.

But there's no truth in the story whatsoever.

Oh, yeah?

However, I've taken the trouble to prepare a little statement.

Here it is. Here.

So you see how silly that rumor is.

Why, sure. It's all a lot of hooey.

That's what I wanted to say, but I couldn't think of it.

- Thank you very much. - All right, all right, don't mention it.

Give my regards to your managing editor.

I certainly will.

Well, so long, folks.

Bless you.

- Bless you. - Thanks.

- So long. - Smythe, bring in the other reporter.

Yes, sir.

Schuyler's the name, I presume?

Yes, thank you, thank you. My name is Smith, Stewart Smith.

No relation to John, Joe, trade or mark.

Of course, you can't have everything.

Nice set of Conrads you have there, Mrs. Schuyler.

I was j ust glancing through this one.

What's Michael tearing the paper about?

Just a habit.

Mr. Schuyler's a bit put out by all these rumors going around.

Rumors? Rumors?

Since when is a breach-of-promise case a rumor?

No breach-of-promise case has been filed.

- It has been settled out of court. - I see.

Gloria isn't exactly satisfied with the $20,000.

Dexter Grayson, you told me it was only 10,000!

And you didn't even get those letters from that j ezebel.

So you did give her $ 10,000?

And there are letters. Well, that takes it out of the rumor class, doesn't it?

We admit nothing.

However, I've a little statement all prepared.

- A statement? Good. - I have it right here.

Fifty bucks, huh?

Don't you know you should never offer a newspaperman more than $2?

If you do, he'll think it's counterfeit.

I don't need $ 50. As a matter of fact, I've got $ 50.

The man from The Tribune seemed satisfied.

Bingy? Yeah, Bingy would. He never saw $ 50 before.

You could have bought him for 6 bits.

Funny thing about Bingy, the more he gets, the more he prints.

He looks stupid, doesn't he?

But, oh, how smart he gets when he bends over a typewriter.

So 10 grand was the amount you gave the gal?

Any other statement you folks would like to make?

- We have nothing more to say. - Wait. Don't get excited.

Nothing to worry about.

- A little publicity never hurt anybody. - Dexter, have him leave immediately.

- I think you'd better go. - Go, huh?

Wait a minute.

That's a great story:

"Newspaper reporter was forcibly ejected from the Schuyler mansion..."

Wait a minute.

Don't mind Mother.

- I don't mind her if you don't. - Anne.

I'm sure you're quite willing to be decent about this.

Decent? Why, Miss Schuyler, I want to be noble.

You're not going to print this silly thing, are you?

No? Why not?

Because my name's Schuyler too, and I haven't done a thing.

But I'll have to suffer with Michael, and so will Mother.

Mother's suffering already.

As a special favor to me, you won't print that story, will you?

Please?

You know something, lady, if you sold life insurance...

...I'd go for a policy in 60 seconds. - Thank you.

I knew you'd understand.

- May I use your telephone? - Certainly. Right over there.

You're all right.

Hello? Beekman 1300.

Beekman 1300.

That's an unlucky number. You know that, don't you?

Hello? Hello, toots. Is Conroy in? Let me have Conroy.

He isn't? Try the washroom, will you?

Say, I interviewed a swell guy the other day. E instein.

Swell guy. A little eccentric, but a swell... Doesn't wear any garters.

Neither do I, as a matter of fact. What good are garters...?

Hello, Conroy. This is Smith talking. I'm up at the Schuylers.

No, I'm not having tea.

That is, not yet.

Is she beautiful?

Boss, her pictures don't do her justice.

If I were that guy, Ziegfield, I... Yeah?

Yes, you can see where her beauty comes from.

From her mother.

Wait a minute. Keep your shirt on. I'll come to that in a minute.

The Schuylers admit the story is true. Right.

Now, they gave the gal 10,000 bucks.

But she's got some letters, and she's holding out for more dough.

It looks to me like she's going to get it.

Right, boss. I'll be right over. Right.

No, I don't think I can get any pictures now. All right.

I've met some rotters in my time.

But you're the lowest excuse for a man...

...I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

Well, if you feel that way about it...

...here's your nickel for the phone call.

- How are you? - Come right in.

- How are you? - Fine.

Then she walked up to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said:

"Mr. Smith, you wouldn't print that story, would you?"

No, I wouldn't print it. Read it.

You're going to be poison to that Junior Leaguer from now on.

I should hope not. I've got to call on her this morning.

- You what? - Sure.

I must drop in and see the wench. Her wounds need soothing.

For heaven's sake, Stew, are you completely bats?

I thought that story was cold. You can't go back.

Sure, the story's cold, but I'm not. I'm sizzling. Look.

Came the dawn. Came the dawn.

And with it came love.

Gallagher, you've got to meet her. She's it.

- And that. - And those and them.

Well, I've seen her pictures. I don't think she's so hot.

You don't appreciate her. Pictures don't do her j ustice. She's queenly.

She is queenly, and I know queens.

And has she got herself a nose! And I know noses too.

That little schnozzle of hers is the berries, I tell you.

And is it cute when she throws that little schnozzle to the high heavens!

Of course, I haven't got a nose.

Sure, you got a nose, Gallagher, but that's different.

Women are different, Gallagher. You know...

...like brewery horses and thoroughbreds.

Stew, I wouldn't be too hard on her. I wouldn't call her a brewery horse.

Gallagher, she's the real McCoy.

And the rest of us are truck horses.

There you go, talking like a woman.

- Well? - Well, you're my pal, aren't you?

Then don't turn female on me.

Pay that check, will you, Gallagher? I'll give it back to you sometime.

Maybe.

I go. I go with Conrad in quest of my youth.

Fry those tomatoes, will you, Gallagher?

Now, now, Jeeves. Now, Jeeves, was that nice?

Was that being a gentleman, Jeeves?

- Your name is Jeeves, isn't it? - The name is Smythe.

Smythe? Well, well, well.

With a Y, huh? Congratulations.

What a small world. Brothers under livery.

- Now, as Smith to Smythe... - Mrs. Schuyler is not at home.

I know. I know. I waited outside until she went out.

She's a nice lady. She's all right, but we don't vibrate well together.

No one's at home, sir.

Now, Jeeves, would you call this no one?

What's wrong?

Mrs. Schuyler left orders, miss, that if this person came again...

...I was to call the police. - That's a good idea.

Telephone the police. The number is Spring 3100.

Get a couple of cops over, and we'll have a rubber of bridge.

- You may go, Smythe. - But I...

Now, the lady said you may go.

- What do you want? - Well, I tell you.

When I was here, I had one of your books in my hand.

When I got outside, I realized I still had your book in my hand.

Since I had your book, I thought I'd take it home and read it.

This morning, I put your book in my hand...

...and here's your book in your hand.

- That's considerate of you. - It was. I recommend you read that.

I'm not interested in your literary recommendations.

Perhaps it would be too heavy for you.

If you'd like something lighter, something with a touch of romance...

...just listen to this.

"Adorable Babykins, does her miss her baby?

Him sends his booful little sweetums a billion oceans full of kisses.

- Bobo is so lonely." - Just a moment.

I don't see how that trash can possibly concern me.

But you don't know who Bobo is. And you don't know who Babykins is.

I'm not interested. Smythe will open the door.

Smythe will open... But Bobo is your brother Michael.

And of course nobody would ever guess who Babykins is.

Where did you get those letters?

I stole them when I was interviewing Babykins about Bobo.

I suppose you're going to print them?

No. Give you another guess.

I don't need another guess.

- It's quite obvious. - It's obvious, huh?

Will you step into the library?

Sure. I'll take a chance.

You know, the Indians used to walk like this.

E xcept the squaw always walked in the back.

You know why that was?

That was in case of an attack from the front.

If the attack was from the rear, she had to depend upon her papoose.

Yes, papooses always had bows and arrows.

Of course, if she wasn't married, then she had to protect her own...

What country is this library in?

Miss Schuyler, how about carfare back to the front door?

What are the initials, Mr...?

Smith, Stewart Smith. My friends all call me Stew.

It's an in j ustice, too, because I hold my liquor all right.

Will 5000 be enough?

- For what? - For the letters, of course.

You shouldn't do that, Miss Schuyler.

That's all right for your lawyer friend...

...but you shouldn't go around thinking you can buy people.

There are your letters.

I don't know how to thank you.

Mother'll be so grateful, she'll probably want to kiss you.

Your mother will want to kiss me? Give me back my letters.

That's the breaks I get. It's the mothers that are grateful to me.

You're a peculiar person.

The other day, I pleaded with you not to send in that story...

I know, but that was news.

This is blackmail, and I don't like blackmail.

I won't even pretend you haven't done me a great favor.

I wish there was something I could do for you.

Well, you can make this table a little... A little less wide.

There is something you can do for me, Miss Schuyler.

I haven't had any lunch. You got anything in the icebox?

You fool!

After years of research...

...I finally discovered that I was the only guy in the world...

...who hadn't written a play.

Believe it or not, in my spare time, I'm now writing a play.

- Really? - Yeah.

I haven't figured out the plot yet.

But it's laid in a Siberian village.

You're a bit eccentric, aren't you?

Me?

Most ordinary guy in the world, me.

Only one thing wrong with me.

You don't wear garters.

No. That's j ust a symbol of my independence.

I know what's wrong. I'm colorblind.

That's what's wrong, I'm colorblind.

I've been sitting here for a half-hour looking at you...

...and I don't know yet whether your eyes are blue or violet.

I'm j ust beginning to believe that something could be done with you.

See, you could do anything with me you wanted to.

Putty. Just putty, that's me.

But getting back to those eyes of yours...

Would you mind if I kind of got...

...closer so I could see them?

Not if you're gonna lose any sleep about it.

Now, how would you like them? Open like this?

Close them both.

Something tells me I'd better leave.

That's an excellent idea.

- Hello, Mother. - Hello, Mrs. Schuyler.

Come right in. Will you have a slug of tea?

- What is this person doing here? - Why...

As a matter of fact, I was trying to decide the color of Anne's eyes.

I can't tell whether they're blue or whether they're violet.

- What would you say? - Don't say it, Mother. Please.

Mr. Smith came here today to do us a great favor.

Indeed? Perhaps he will do me a great favor.

- With pleasure, madam. - Get out of here.

- Mother. - It's all right, it's all right, Anne.

I can take a hint. It's subtle, but I get it. It's all right.

Please go. I'll explain to Mother.

The caviar was lovely, madam.

You must come over and see us sometime.

- Where were you yesterday? - Stew and I went for a long ride.

Dexter, is there any finishing school we can send him to?

Yes, Sing Sing.

Well, he's going to be a different person when I get through with him.

- When you get through with him? - It'll be an interesting experiment.

To make a gentleman out of a tramp?

E xactly.

Now, remember how much it cost to get rid of that baseball player.

You don't seem to understand that this one's different. He has brains.

- But what about me, Anne? - You?

Don't go serious on me, Dexter.

- Hello, Natalie. - Hello!

Miss Montgomery, Mr. Stewart Smith.

- Mrs. E ames, Mrs. And Mr. Radcliff. - How do you do?

Hey! Who's Anne's new boyfriend?

If my ears don't deceive me, his name is Smith.

Smith! He can't be one of the brothers. He hasn't a beard on.

He must have something, or Anne wouldn't have her clutches on him.

Anne, pinch me, will you?

Throw me out of here. Give me the air. Throw me out of this j oint.

Why should I? Haven't we been happy?

I know, but you should throw me out.

Because I begin to get goofy ideas...

...and they concern you, Anne.

None of your ideas could be goofy, Stewart, if they concern me.

My name is Smith.

That you seem to have been able to stand for the last month.

I'm white, male and over 21.

I've never been in j ail... That is, not often.

And I prefer Scotch to bourbon.

I hate carrots, I hate peas.

I like black coffee, and I hate garters.

I make 75 bucks a week, and I got 847 bucks in the bank.

And I don't know yet whether your eyes are blue or violet.

That's because you're too far away, Stew.

Yeah. All right. Right.

Yeah, sure. I got a new dress. New hat too.

Well, I'll try and get Stew to come with me. Yeah.

Yeah, he's all right.

Well, you know, he thinks he's stuck on some society gal.

No, it won't last. It better not last.

What? I'll be surprised, eh?

Well, listen, if there's any news in that sheet...

...that I haven't thrown in the wastepaper basket, I'll eat it.

Hey, Stew. Stew Smith!

- Me? - You double-crossing hound.

Come over here!

If you're gonna kick about those expenses...

- Do you call yourself a reporter? - It has been alleged, yes.

You wouldn't know news if you fell into a mess of it nose first.

You're the bright lad that's never been scooped.

- Not on my own beat, no. - No?

Well, where were you when that happened?

I've heard of people being scooped on their own funerals, but this?

Holy mackerel!

Why, it's news when Anne Schuyler gets her fingernails manicured.

But this...

Marries one of our own reporters, and The Tribune beats us to it.

What do you guys want? Get back to your desks. Go back to work.

Don't tell me you were drunk and don't remember.

Or is it one of Bingy's snowstorms?

No. No, it's true all right, only...

...we didn't want it to get in print. - Why not?

Well, I've acquired one of those new mother-in-laws.

She wouldn't understand, so we were going to wait till she went to E urope.

What would I care? You're still working for this paper!

- Or are you? - Yes, sir.

It's your business to get news. You had a story in your lap...

...and you let The Tribune scoop us on it.

Making a first-class, grade-A monkey out of me.

Well, if it ever happens again, don't bother about coming back. That's all.

Thanks for your congratulations.

- How much is she worth? - Is she good-looking?

Can't a guy get married without all this?

- Gallagher! Anybody seen Gallagher? - No.

Hello, Stew.

I fooled you. You thought it was me.

- Hi, Stew. - Hi, Joe.

Hello, Stew. Congratulations!

- Have a drink on the house. - Why, I'm gonna have a lot of drinks.

Wait a minute. E xcuse me. I'll be right back.

Well, well, well, Gallagher, old pal. So there you are.

What did you run away for?

- I didn't run away. - Sure, you ran away.

- Aren't you going to congratulate me? - Sure.

- I wish you all the luck in the world. - Thanks, thanks.

- I hope you'll be very happy. - We'll be happy.

- What's the matter with your eyes? - It's the smoke.

Joe, a little snifter.

Say, was I a lucky guy to fall into a girl like that?

What have you got?

I don't know how I rate that, Gallagher.

Gosh, that is a swell girl. I want you to meet her.

Who, me? She wouldn't want to meet me. I'm j ust an old load of hay.

Thank you, Joe.

We'll have one of those spaghetti parties down at your house.

Haven't had one in a long time, have we?

Not since you broke into society.

Remember the time you had a party...

...and I dropped spaghetti on the floor and I served it to them anyway?

Remember that?

Yes, Anne would love that.

Do you think your wife would walk up three flights to eat from paper plates?

Anne? Oh, sure. Anne would love that.

Remember, she's a Schuyler.

Now, get this, Gallagher. Smith, that's the name.

My error.

Hello, chief.

Just because I'm married, there's no reason for that.

Lx-nay, the oss-bay.

Well, what's the benedict looking for in the newspaper, his lost freedom?

Well, if it isn't old Fagin himself.

Gallagher and myself j ust came over to do a little work on a story.

Baloney.

Joe, bring me a special.

- Isn't it swell about Stew's marriage? - Is it?

Well, when are you quitting?

Quitting? I'm not thinking of quitting.

I take it you don't have to work for a living anymore, Mr. Schuyler.

Now, get this, Conroy. My name's Smith.

Always was Smith. Always gonna be Smith.

- Is that so? - That's so.

Anne Schuyler's in the blue book. You're not even in the phone book.

Think that one over, sucker.

That doesn't make any difference if they love each other.

He's like a giraffe marrying a monkey.

Listen, you'll never be anything but j ust the reporter...

...that married the Schuylers' millions.

Stew Smith is dead and buried.

From now on, you'll be j ust Anne Schuyler's husband.

A rich wife's magnolia.

If you can smoke that without getting sick, you're welcome to it.

- But that's perfectly ridiculous. - Let me do the talking.

Now, you get this, Conroy.

Anne Schuyler has a lot of dough, all right.

I married her, all right.

But her dough and me? No connection.

- Just a bird in a gilded cage. - A what?

You heard me. A bird in a gilded cage.

You've been reading a lot of cheap tabloids.

Anne and myself are gonna move downtown in a nice little flat.

We're gonna forget all about this social stuff...

...and be known as Mr. And Mrs. Stew Smith. Now, how do you like that?

- And live on your salary, I suppose? - Live on my salary, yeah.

That is, until I finish writing my play.

- What play? - My play.

The one about the Siberian bloodhound?

Siberian bloodhound? No, it's been all rewritten.

- It's laid in Araby now. - Araby?

- Sure. - Araby, my...

Well, I'm sorry to see a good reporter go blooey.

- Let me know when you're quitting. - I'm not.

- No? - No.

For he's only a bird In a gilded cage

A beautiful sight to see Tweet-tweet.

Aw, go on and laugh, you hyena.

Don't pay any attention to him.

I ain't paying no attention to him. You think that guy can get me upset?

Not that mug. He's a tough mug. Hard, cynical...

He doesn't know there's any fine things in life, that guy.

A guy can't step out without being called a magnolia.

Stew Smith, a magnolia!

Stew Smith's not gonna hang around and be a speakeasy rat. Not me.

I'm gonna step out and mean something in this world. Watch me.

I'm a lucky guy that I can even be near Anne Schuyler.

I've been hit with a carload of horseshoes and I know it.

Lucky. I'll say I'm lucky.

Don't you think I'm lucky, Gallagher?

- Sure, I think so. - Sure you would, pal.

A bird in a gilded cage?

How's her family gonna feel about it?

Her family? Oh, they'll be all right. I'll bring them around.

Gilded cage...

Besides, I ain't marrying her family.

Stew Smith, ha! Gilded cage. That mug. What does he know?

- I don't know what you need me for. - You stay right here, Michael.

Someday you'll be head of this family, but thank heaven I shan't be here.

I hope you never have a daughter who gives you gastritis as Anne has me.

Now, Mother. There's no use in getting excited.

Oh, isn't there? Sit down.

- Smythe, some bicarbonate, quick. - Double-strength.

If you keep this up, you'll have a breakdown before you go to E urope.

It's a good thing your father passed away...

...before he saw insanity ravaged the family.

I can't imagine what made you do such a thing.

A reporter. Of all things, a reporter!

A barbarian, who lets his socks come down.

I promise you that he won't be a reporter much longer.

Once I get him away from that atmosphere...

...and a man named Gallagher. - Sit down.

Drink hearty, Mother.

Anne. Anne.

Mr. Grayson.

And you. Mrs. Schuyler.

Well, what's to be done? He's here now.

Nobody seems to want to do anything.

Why not ask me? Perhaps I can offer a suggestion.

Do what about what?

About what? Your marriage to Anne.

Oh, my marriage to Anne.

We don't want you to go to any trouble about that.

We j ust want to use your blessings, that's all.

Young man, I want you to know that I ob j ect violently to this whole affair.

Mother, your attitude is perfectly ridiculous.

It's done now. Stewart and I are married.

I'm afraid she's right, Mrs. Schuyler.

I'm really very sorry, Mrs. Schuyler, that you feel this way.

I was in hopes that you would like me.

I'm not the burglar that you think I am.

We're married. I think the thing to do is to kiss and make up, Mother.

- Stop calling me "Mother"! - All right, Grandma.

This man's impossible. I can't talk to him.

Grayson, let's go where we can think.

You see what you've done to me?

Got it too?

Well, who won that round?

Your mother won that round. That is, she got the last blow in.

I don't feel the way they do. You're not as bad as everybody thinks.

Well, begin to appreciate me, huh?

- Come upstairs. I'll give you a little... - Sure, I'll be right up.

- He's all right. I like him. - I'm glad.

He can bend.

Come here, baby.

I haven't seen you for three hours. You're neglecting me already.

What's the matter?

Something I ate, no doubt. E gg marks the spot.

You ought to get some new ties, Stewart.

I don't need any new ties. I've got another tie.

I've got another beside this one. It's a pip too.

There's only one thing wrong with it. You know what that is?

It has a little weakness for gravy...

...and once in a while, it leans toward ketchup.

Of course, that's only in its weaker moments.

When you move to my place, I'll show it to you.

- Your place? - Yeah.

Oh, it's great.

Of course, it doesn't compare with this coliseum of yours.

But 'twill serve, milady, 'twill serve.

The architecture has a little feeling of Missouri Gothic...

...and the furniture sort of leans toward Oklahoma Renaissance...

...with a tiny touch of Grand Rapids.

Don't you think it's silly to think of living there...

...when we have this big house?

When we have...

You mean you'd like to have me live here in your house?

Sure. We can have the whole left wing and be all by ourselves all the time.

We could have the whole left wing? Would that be room enough for us?

Oh, darling, of course. There are six rooms and two baths.

If that isn't enough, Mother'll give us the blue room, I think.

Mother would give us the blue room? You haven't a red room, have you?

Well, bless her heart, wouldn't that be nice?

Six rooms and two baths and a blue room.

I guess she would let us have the right wing if we needed it.

- Well, but we won't need it, I'm sure. - I see, we won't need that.

Look, Anne, you're not serious about this, are you?

Of course I am, Stewart.

Now, let's get this settled.

- You have the cutest nose I've... - Never mind, never mind.

What kind of a chump do you think I am?

You think I'll live here in your house, on your dough?

What do you think my friends would all say? Oh, don't be silly.

I'd get the razzing of my life for that.

A bird in a gilded cage, that's what I'd be. Not me. Oh, no, not me.

What do you think my friends would say if they found me in a cheap flat?

- It isn't cheap. It's nice. - Listen, let's not talk about this now.

- I'll do anything you ask me to, but... - I love that nose.

- Oh, such a sweet nose. - Whether the nose is sweet or not...

...I'm not gonna live in your house. You might as well get that straight.

You want me to be happy, don't you?

Then I'm not gonna live in your house.

Mr. Smith, sir.

Mr. Smith, sir.

Mr. Smith, sir, how do you like your bath?

I like my bath all right. How do you like your bath?

- Who are you? - I'm your valet, sir.

Dawson is the name, sir.

- You're my what? - Your valet.

Thank you, thank you. I'll do that for you sometime.

That's very sweet.

Say, listen, what'd you say the name was?

- Dawson, sir. - Dawson.

- Was I very drunk last night? - Drunk, sir?

I must have been plastered if I hired a valet.

But you didn't engage me, sir.

Who did engage you then, if Ididn't?

Did you take anything out of those pants?

No, sir.

- What are you doing in here? - Miss Schuyler... I mean, Mrs. Smith.

She engaged me this morning, sir.

So Mrs. Smith engaged me a valet?

That's very nice of Mrs. Smith to engage me a valet.

Say, you know, you're nice. You're all right.

- You'd make a good wife. - Thank you, sir.

But not for me.

If anybody liked you.

You're a nice fellow. But I'm sorry, I don't need any valets today.

Oh, but indeed you do, sir, if you don't mind my saying so.

A gentleman's gentleman, as it were.

Someone to draw your bath, lay out your clothes...

...help to dress you. It's really most essential, sir.

You're trying to tell me...

...I need someone to help me put on my pants and button them up.

- Quite, sir. - I'm sorry. I appreciate your effort...

...but I don't need anybody to help me button my pants.

I've been buttoning them for 30 years. I can button them with one hand.

- But, Mr. Smith, please. - Listen.

You've got a nice face.

You wouldn't want anything to happen to your face, would you?

- No, sir. - All right. Outside.

- I beg your pardon? - Outside.

I think I understand, sir. You mean you want me to go.

You caught on, didn't you? See, you're nice and you're smart.

Outside. Go on, outside. And don't come back!

- No, sir, no. - Hey, wait a minute.

- What's this? - Oh, that's a canary, sir.

That's a canary. Who brought that in here?

Canary, huh? Go on, now. Get that out of here. Get that out of here!

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

A bird. A bird in a gilded cage. Get that thing out of here.

Good morning, darling.

Dawson, see that Mr. Smith's clothes go to the cleaners this morning.

Very good, madam.

Hey, who is this mug?

I got a present. Shut your eyes.

Keep them closed.

I know you're gonna love them.

It's little. Couldn't be an automobile, could it?

Well, well, well. Ain't that nice!

Do you like them?

Got my initials on them too. They're cute. They're nice little...

- What do you do with them? - You wear them, of course, silly.

No, no. Oh, no, no. Not me.

- I haven't worn these for years. - I know that.

I couldn't look Gallagher in the face.

Whether you can look Gallagher in the face or not...

...you're gonna be a good boy and wear garters.

I love you. I'll eat spinach for you.

I'll go to the dentist twice a year, I'll wash behind my ears for you.

But I will never wear garters

Oh, yes, you will, my dear Oh, yes, you will, my dear

You'll wear garters And you'll like it too

Oh, no, I won't, my dear Oh, no, I won't, my dear

I'll wash behind the ears But no, I won't, my dear

Oh, yes, you will, my dear Oh, yes, you will, my dear

You'll eat spinach But you'll wear garters too

Oh, you can't carry a tune You can't carry a tune

All you are good for Is to sit and spoon, spoon

- Oh, no, I won't wear garters - Oh, yes, you will too, yes...

Is it real?

- Of course it's real. - Any diamonds on them?

Must have set him back at least 6 bits.

One j ust can't wear those and be decent.

- You can if you belong to the 400. - I wonder what number he is.

Come on, get out, get out!

Didn't you ever see a guy with a pair of garters on before?

What do you suppose he wears them for?

- Can it be to hold his socks up? - Yes, that's it.

You know, one's hose look horribly untidy when they hang loose-like.

Oh, my dear. They look ghastly. They look ghastly.

Come on, get out of here!

- Hey, Stew, your policeman. - Yeah?

Oh, hello, dear. Wait j ust a minute.

Go on, beat it. Go on, screw! This is my wife.

- Go ahead. - Pardon me.

In your respective chapeaux and over your cauliflower ears.

Hello, dear.

It's nearly 6:00, and you know how long it takes you to dress.

But the ambassador is coming at 8...

...and you've got to be ready by the time he gets here.

I'd like to see Miss Wilson, please.

- Whom shall I say, miss? - Miss Gallagher of the Post.

- Miss Gallagher of the Post. - Oh, yes.

- Miss Gallagher? - Yes.

I'm Miss Wilson, Miss Schuyler's social secretary.

- I'm here in place of our social editor. - Yes, Miss Ramsey telephoned me.

Well, what would you like to have?

A list of guests. That's the usual thing, isn't it?

Yes, of course. I'll get it for you. Would you like to take a look around?

Yes, thank you.

- It's a lovely dress. - Thank you.

- Where is Mr. Smith? - Mr. Smith?

Oh, you mean Anne Schuyler's husband?

He's probably very tired. He had to meet these people personally tonight.

You newspaper people have a lot of fun with him, don't you?

What is it you call him? The "Cinderella Man"?

- There's the Spanish ambassador. - You know, he looks like one.

Miss Wilson, Mrs. Smith would like to see you.

Will you excuse me? Make yourself at home for j ust a moment.

Mr. Smith, I've read some of your plays, and I'd like an autograph.

Well, well, well! If it isn't my old pal!

- Turn around, let's get a look at you. - There you are.

Well, daughter of the slums, how'd you get out of the ghetto?

Well, I'm pinch-hitting for our society editor tonight.

- I want to see life in the raw. - You want to see life in the raw?

Well, gal, I'm afraid we ain't got no raw life up here.

- I'll have to go someplace else. - No.

Maybe you'd like some well-done butterflies.

Or perhaps some slightly fried pansies or, better still, stuffed shirts.

And every one of them will give you a good, stiff pain in the neck.

Say, who's been tying your tie lately? It looks rotten.

Gallagher, do you look good! What have you done to yourself?

What'd you do to your hair? And where did you get that dress?

- I dyed one and washed the other. - You dyed one and washed other?

Well, you certainly look good.

Don't turn around now, but there's a very beautiful girl up there...

...who seems to be staring at us. - Staring at us?

- My mistake. She's glaring. - She's glaring. Must be my wife.

It is my wife. Hi, Anne.

Don't go away, because I'm gonna bring a friend up I want you to meet.

Anne, prepare yourself for the treat of your life.

- This is Gallagher. - Gallagher?

Sure, my pal on the paper. She's subbing for the society editor tonight.

Oh, yes, of course. How do you do?

- Gallagher, Mrs. Smith. - How do you do?

You failed to mention that Gallagher was a very beautiful young girl.

Gallagher?

Yes, in fact, you failed to mention that Gallagher was a girl.

I failed? Well, that's funny.

- Isn't that funny? - Yes, isn't it?

Well, we never look at Gallagher as a girl.

No? What do you look upon her as?

Well, down at the office, we all j ust... Gallagher, that's all.

You see, they all consider me j ust as one of the boys.

- Indeed? How interesting. - Yes, isn't it?

Miss Wilson will give you the guest list and any detail you need.

Well, thank you. I'll go and look for her at once.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Smith. - Goodbye, Miss Gallagher.

Goodbye, Stew.

That was kind of a rotten thing to do, Anne.

After all, Gallagher is my friend.

The least you can do is be courteous to her.

- I thought I was very charming. - You did? That's a lot of hooey.

- I'll go and apologize. - Oh, Stewart, please.

I'm sorry, Gallagher. Really, I am sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Stew. Forget it.

As far as she's concerned, I'm j ust part of the hired help.

Oh, no. No.

Strange, I've never seen Anne act that way before.

It's funny I never thought to tell her you were a girl, isn't it?

Yes.

- Hello there, Meadows. - Who is it you wish to see, sir?

I wanna see Stew Smith. Oh, excuse me. I mean, Mr. Smith.

Pardon me, Mr. Smith is engaged.

- We have a reception here... - Oh, a party! Great!

Jolly times and merry pranks, that's me. I'm a guy who loves parties.

You know what...? Beautiful pair of shoulders.

Listen now, as a favor, will you please make it snappy...

...and tell Stew Smith I've gotta see him, because if you don't...

...my whole family's gonna die.

I'll tell Mr. Smith at once, sir. Have a seat.

Well, I got a seat, but I have no place to put it.

Pardon me, sir, but I've heard that one before.

E xcuse me, want to be sure he doesn't take away any of the vases.

Well, well, well. So my little pal Gallagher is a gal, huh?

That's j ust to give you an idea that I know how to treat a gal.

Get fresh with me and I'll sock you in that little nose of yours.

E xcuse me. I'll be right back.

What's the matter? A little clumsy to get in your pocket?

I was j ust looking at it. Pretty, ain't it?

I was looking for the price tag.

- What do you want? - Oh, nothing, nothing.

I wanted to see how the newshound looked made up for a gentleman.

Would you like to have me turn around for you, Bingy?

Oh, boy, I'd love it.

- How's that? - Not bad.

Not good, but not bad.

You ought to be able to fool almost anybody.

Well, have you seen enough, or would you like a photograph?

A photograph?

What's the matter? Hasn't Mama had you done in oils yet?

Now, get this, mug!

You've got the kind of chin I'd j ust love to touch.

And if you don't get out of here, I'm gonna hang one right on it.

Take it easy, Dempsey. Just relax. Relax and open your pores.

- I bring a message from Garcia. - Yeah?

Yeah, the boss sent me over to offer you a job.

- He wants you for a daily column. - Go on.

It's all right. You can write your own ticket. 150 bucks a week.

- All right, I'll bite. What's the catch? - No catch. This is on the up-and-up.

Of course, all you have to do is just sign the article:

"By Anne Schuyler's husband."

Well, how does the old Cinderella Man feel about that?

Well bowled, sir. Very neat.

That's what I think of it, Bingy.

- Smythe, the gentlemen is leaving. - Yes, sir.

Good morning, Mother.

Didn't I tell you he'd be marvelous?

Everybody thought he was so charming last night.

I was so worried he'd knock something over.

I must have acted like an idiot.

What does it say about the reception last night?

The usual thing. Blah, blah, blah attended the blah, blah reception...

...wore the same blah, blah things. - Stop it, Anne.

You're behaving like who you're married to.

You don't have anything to complain about, Mother.

He was all right last night, wasn't he? I told you not to worry about him.

It was a miracle. The man was ill or something.

- Mother! - Look! Look! The front page!

I knew it, I knew it. I felt it in my bones.

Did you see the papers? "Cinderella Man grows hair on chest."

This is the most terrible kind of publicity...

Don't you think I know it, Grayson? Smith, send for Mr. Smythe.

- Smythe, send for Mr. Smith. - Double-strength.

"Cinderella Man grows hair on chest."

"'I wear the pants,' says Anne Schuyler's husband."

Good morning, everybody.

Maybe it isn't a good morning, huh?

Anne, ever get a feeling there was somebody else in the room with you?

- Have you seen this? - Yeah, the worm.

- Pardon? - He's a worm, and I'll step on him.

To engage in a brawl, a cheap common brawl...

...in my own home. "I wear the pants."

Not even the "trousers"!

I tried to stop the evening papers, but it's useless.

- Quit trying to stop anybody. - Well, at best you might deny it.

Why deny it? The more you deny, the more they print. Let them alone.

- Sit still. Keep your trap shut. - Trap shut?

Certainly. I'll take care of this guy Bingy myself, personally.

What are you crying about?

Is it true, Stewart? Did you really say it?

Yes, I said it. Sure, I said it.

- I didn't say it for publication, though. - You struck him in our house?

Yes, I'm sorry. I struck him in your house.

I'll strike anybody in anybody's house that calls me a Cinderella Man.

What else do you expect them to call you?

- Dexter. - That's the 14th crack...

...you've made to me. I'm keeping count.

When it gets to 20, I'll sock you in the nose. In fact, I ought to do it now.

Anne, are you going to sit there and watch this man insult us?

Haven't you any decency left?

Well, why doesn't Dexter show some decency?

You might show some too, Mother.

What do you expect a man to do when he's called such names?

I'm glad you hit that reporter. He deserved it.

All right.

All right, it's your funeral, Anne Schuyler.

Go on, beat it, shadow.

Cinderella Man.

That's 15.

Pardon me, ma'am. They've phoned through from the mayor's reception...

...to remind you it's past the hour for the reception.

- Are the cars ready? - They've been ready for half an hour.

I hope I don't have to make any speeches tonight.

You can't disappoint all those women.

It isn't every day they get to see a famous round-the-world flier.

Yes, I know, but they scare me to death.

This is the fourth dinner that you've taken me to this week.

- I'm running out of material. - Are you complaining?

Yes, there's always too many other people around.

It's getting late. What are we waiting for?

You're waiting for my husband.

E xcuse me, I'll run up and see what that slowpoke's doing.

- I'll be right back. - Sure.

Stewart, we're all waiting for you.

- Where's your valet? - I poisoned him.

Stop trying to be funny and get ready, will you?

- I'm not going. - What are you talking about?

I'm talking about I'm not going.

- What am I going to tell those people? - Tell them anything.

Tell them I'm not going. Tell them I'm not at home.

Would you mind telling me why you're not going?

I've never wanted to go out with those social parasites...

...those sweet-smelling fashion plates.

I don't like them. They bore me. They give me the j itters.

You're talking about my friends.

Yes, I'm talking about your friends, and they still give me the j itters.

Well, are you going or aren't you?

- Anne, come here. - Look out for my lipstick.

I'll tell you what let's do. Let's you and me sneak out all by ourselves.

- Are you crazy? - Think of the fun we can have.

We'll sneak down the back stairs, get in the valet's Ford.

- Will you stop being silly? - No, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll introduce you to all my gang. Would you like that?

But I don't want to meet your gang.

I don't mean the newspaper fellas you don't like. Another gang I know.

You'd love them. They're writers and musicians and artists.

Great crowd of people. Do great things. People worthwhile.

Meaning that my friends aren't worthwhile, I suppose?

- Oh, no, they're all right. - That's what you mean.

You've made that clear to me often enough, and I'm sick and tired of it.

- I've given you party after party. - I didn't...

I've taken you into the best homes...

...introduced you to people of importance. Are you grateful?

No. You insult them and act like a boor.

I'm sick and tired of making excuses for you and the things you've done.

It's just as well you're not coming. Maybe I can enjoy myself for once...

...without having to worry about you and what you're going to do.

And that, my friend, is what is known as:

"Society belle telling ex-star newspaper reporter to go to..."

How have you been, Mr. Smith?

Did you call, sir?

- Smythe? - Yes.

Smythe. Come here. I want to talk to you.

Smythe, come here.

Come on, Smythe, talk to me, will you?

Smythe, I'm going nuts! I'm going nuts in this house!

This big... Come here.

Come here. I'm not gonna hurt you. Look, come on.

Come on, what's the matter with you? Come here.

- Do you hear something? - Yes, sir.

- You try it. - Me, sir?

No, no, no. Give it more volume.

No, that's enough.

I j ust wanted to give you an idea.

Now you know. This house is haunted.

- No, sir. - Yes.

- Have you looked in the closets? - Yes, sir.

- Found no skeletons? - No, sir.

- It's haunted j ust the same. - Yes, sir.

Here.

What do you do with yourself when you're not carrying those...

...double-strength?

Well, sir, I putter.

Smythe.

When you're alone and you want to amuse yourself, then what?

I j ust putter.

Putter. Do you have to have a putter to putter?

No, sir. I putter with my hands.

Well, isn't that nice? You j ust go right ahead with your...

That's all right. How do you do that?

Well, sir, I'll show you.

That's puttering, sir.

No. That's...

Well, well, well. It's all right if you like it, I guess.

Can anybody...? Anybody can do that?

Oh, no, sir. Some people are natural putterers...

...others can never master it.

You mean, some people are born and never would become putterers?

- Yes. - Oh, my. Wouldn't that be tragic?

Not to know that you could never be a putterer?

How about me? Do you think, if I concentrated...

...and put my whole soul into it...

...someday I might be a putterer? - You, sir?

You could never be a putterer. Not a good putterer.

I don't want to putter. If I can't be a good putterer...

What makes you think I couldn't be a good putterer?

Well, sir, to be a putterer, one's mind must be at ease.

A person with a problem could never be a putterer.

For instance, a fish can putter in water...

...but not on land, because he'd be out of place.

An eagle can putter around a rugged mountaintop...

...but not in a cage, because he'd be restless and unhappy.

Now, sir, if you'll pardon me, with all respect...

...as a Smythe to a Smith, you are an eagle in a cage.

- A bird in a gilded cage? - Yes, sir.

That's all I wanted to know.

Hello.

Hello, Gallagher? Hello, Gallagher, old pal.

How are you, old pal, huh?

Oh, hello, Stew.

I'm pretty good. Can't complain. How's our gentleman of leisure?

I'm on the coast of Norway, and I can't get out.

Will you come get me out of the coast of Norway?

Oh, your play.

Yeah, "Act 1, Scene 1.

Coast of Norway," and then a lot of blanks. Is that it?

Come on. Oh, don't be silly.

All right, all right. If you feel like you need a chaperon...

...call up Hank. You'll find him at Joe's, no doubt.

Yeah, Hank would be my idea of a perfect bodyguard.

Sure he would. I knew I could depend on you.

Snap it up, will you, Gallagher?

Okay.

Smythe, I'll get this. I'm expecting some friends.

Very good, sir.

Well, Gallagher! Come in. I'm glad to see you.

- Hank, how are you? - Fine, but kind of thirsty.

Come in. I'll get you a drink.

- You remember Joe? - Sure.

I invited him along to bend an elbow with us.

- It's all right. Bring him in. - Come on, Joe.

- Hello, Joe. - Hello, kid. How are you?

- Glad to see you. - Just a minute. Johnson's outside.

Mind if he comes in and dips the beak?

- Bring him in. The more the merrier. - Come in. Come on.

- Hello, Johnson. - Stew, how are you?

- Glad to see you. Come in. - Wait a minute.

I got two of the boys I brought along. You don't mind...?

You brought two? All right, bring them in.

- What's the difference? - Come on in.

Hello, boys. Come in. How are you? Come right in.

- Hello, Stew. - Well, what the...?

Hello, sonny boy!

I'm sorry nobody could come.

If it isn't Sweetheart. Why didn't you bring your family with you?

The rest had to get out the morning edition. They'll be down later.

You sure they're coming? Lt'll be lonesome without them.

Smythe, take them in and give them a drink.

And find out what the boys in the backroom want.

I say there, Smythe, don't be holding out on us. We're willing to help you.

It isn't done, gentlemen! It isn't done, I say. It isn't done.

Well, Gallagher, you certainly took no chances, did you?

I'm sorry, Stew. I asked Hank and... Well, Hank did the rest.

Hank brought them? That's all right.

We'll give them a drink and throw them out. How's that?

Holy...

Is there a green elephant standing beside him?

- No, this is j ust little Bingy Baker. - Bingy...

Big Chief Bingy come to white man's tepee to make friends.

Big Chief very sorry.

Show how sorry...

...will bend over and let white man kick Big Chief...

...where sun never shines.

E xcuse me, Gallagher. I wouldn't miss this for the...

Firewater, all right.

Well, Stew, that's all thrashed out.

By golly, I'm certainly glad you're not really sore.

You know our racket. After all, news is news.

Sure, it's all right. That was a great story. I wished I'd written it.

Well, I gave her the breaks, didn't I? That hairy-chest story.

You raised it up to the chin, I see.

Go on in the other room and get yourself a drink.

Smythe! Smythe, give them one drink, throw them out.

- Yes, sir. - We're gonna give him one.

You know what I should do? I should sock you in that funny nose.

- Yes, and I'd love it. - Sure you'd love it.

How far have you gotten?

Just been able to get off of that Norway coast so far.

"Act 1, Scene 1. A street in Old Madrid."

You're not getting your play done, but you're covering a lot of territory.

Haven't I covered some territory? Seems like I've been on a cook's tour.

Stew, have you ever been to Old Madrid?

- Been where? - Old Madrid?

No. I've never even been to new Madrid.

Then how do you expect to write about it?

I'll draw on my imagination, I suppose.

Did Conrad draw on his imagination?

- Did who? - Conrad.

- What do you know about Conrad? - Not a thing.

Isn't he the one you're always yelling about?

Gosh, you look cute.

Isn't he the one who writes only about things he knows?

Didn't he go to sea before he wrote about it?

Then you write about something you know.

Write about yourself and Anne. The poor boy who marries a rich girl.

Now, there's a swell theme.

Gee, that's an idea there, Gallagher.

That's an idea there. I wonder, now.

Oh, sure. She'd make a beautiful heroine.

And there's her mother.

What a character that old dame would make with her double-strength.

And that lawyer friend of theirs. He'd make a great villain.

- And there's you. - What could I be?

I don't know. You could be something.

Come on, scram. We got an idea. Let's get this set.

It's a great idea. Great idea for a play.

Get me a cigarette, will you?

Let's don't lose this. Just...

- Here you are. - All right, thanks.

Now, let's see.

How will I start?

Hey, pal, how would you start?

Smythe, you're a slave.

What's the difference between a king and a butler?

Say, you can't come in here. This is a private party!

My old classmate from Harvard. Whoopee!

Harvard, '98. Hello, Mama!

- And I know who's the cause of it all. - Oh, Dexter.

Smythe!

Smythe!

- Who are these people? - Friends of mine.

Very lit...

- Literary people. - He's drunk.

Smythe, you've been drinking.

- I have. Double-strength. - Very drunk.

Where is Mr. Smith?

Well, for crying out loud, I don't know.

And I don't care.

Whoopee!

Now, Gallagher, if I could only get a great scene...

...a tremendously emotional scene.

Something to ring the hearts out of the public...

...to bring the curtain down in the second act.

Could you dig one out of your hat?

No. Afraid I'm all out of tricks tonight.

We got them up to where the boy's wearing his white spats...

...and going to pink teas, and the frau enters. How's that?

- Very good. - Now, if we could j ust get where we...

- Hello, Anne. - Good morning.

- What does this mean? - What does what mean?

Oh, that mob. I got so interested in the play, I forgot all about them.

And we got a play, Anne. Have we got a play!

Most of it's Gallagher's. She did most of it.

Her brain j ust snaps like that all the time.

I'm not interested in the way her brain snaps.

- I think I better go, Stew. - I think you should, Miss Gallagher.

Wait a minute, Gallagher. What's the idea, Anne?

The idea is, I want these people to leave immediately.

Wait. Aren't you being a little unreasonable?

Unreasonable? Have you any idea what the place looks like downstairs?

Do you expect me to let this house turn into a cheap barroom?

Don't get excited. There's no reason for that.

Perhaps the boys have had too much to drink.

I'm sorry. I'll go down and throw them out.

That's no reason for you to take this attitude.

After all, I have a right to invite...

...a few of my friends to my house, haven't I?

Your house?

Oh, I get you. It's all right. It's all right. I don't blame you.

I kind of forgot myself for a moment there.

That's what I call "getting me told," isn't it, Anne?

I suppose I've been boarding out this last year. I'll tell you this.

I don't like your boarding house, lady.

And if it's all the same to you, I'm moving out.

Stewart.

It's something I should have done long ago...

...only I didn't have sense enough to do it.

No, I have to stick around and try to make a success of something...

...that I knew darn well was a failure from the very beginning. But no more.

- No more! So that's that. - You can't walk out of here like this.

I can't? Who's gonna stop me? I'd like to see somebody stop me.

You think I'm gonna stick around this j oint...

... j ust to look at this mausoleum? Not on your life.

You're gonna make no stuffed shirt out of me.

What do you think of that?

What's going on here? Who's this woman?

- Joan of Arc. What's it to you? - Heavens, the man's insane!

Sure I'm insane! But I got some good news for you.

This magnolia is leaving your sweet-smelling vanilla joint.

This bird in a cage is gonna button his own pants from now on!

And that's what's known as "telling the mother-in-law."

You've done nothing but watch me ever since I've been here.

Treated me like a thug. Watched me like a hawk. Mistrusted me.

Every time I leave the house, she counts the silverware.

- That's ridiculous. - Fine! Fine, I don't blame her!

I know I'm out of my own crowd.

Should have had better sense. I'll stay in my own back yard from now on.

- You're acting like a child. - All right, I'm a child. All right!

Have it any way you want. But I'm going back to my own apartment...

...where I should have lived. But no, I gotta listen to you and move here!

If you wanna live with me, that's okay.

But the sign outside will say "Mr. Stew Smith"...

...and you'll have to be Mrs. Stew Smith, or there's nothing doing.

No more Anne Schuyler's husband.

Here's some more news for you.

You can take your red room, your green room...

...your left wing and right wing... You know what to do with them!

- Come on, Gallagher. - Oh, Stewart!

Pardon me, could you spare a dime for a cup of coffee?

Coffee? How'd you like to be the knight of the garter?

- No, j ust coffee. - It's all right. Wait j ust a minute.

E ntertain the gentleman, Gallagher.

There you are, my man. With those, you can eat for a couple months.

How about the socks?

I wouldn't worry too much about it. She'll see it your way.

I'm not worrying about her.

I'm worrying about that second-act curtain, that's all.

You're j ust a first-class chump.

You j ust staged a scene that plays like a million.

That declaration of independence for the second-act curtain?

It's an idea, Gallagher. It's a great idea.

Hey, Gallagher.

- Yeah? - How about my breakfast?

How do I bring a curtain down on an empty stomach?

- It'll be ready soon. - Never mind.

If you can't get my breakfast ready and get here on time...

...then get yourself another j ob. - Sorry, boss.

Don't be sorry, j ust get the breakfast, that's all.

Hello, Smith.

- Holy j umping swordfish! - I suppose you know why I came?

I've no idea, unless some of the silverware's missing.

No. Don't be absurd, Smith.

May I come in?

- Surely. Come right in. - Thanks.

May I sit down?

Sure. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have thrown you up a waffle.

- I don't eat waffles. - You don't?

Anne asked me to come see you about the divorce.

- She did? - She wants me...

...to arrange the financial settlement.

Listen, Grayson, I've got $ 106.75 in the bank.

Anne can have that. But she's gotta hurry, I'm spending it awful fast.

You don't understand. Anne doesn't expect anything from you.

We would like to know how much you would want to...

Wait a minute! Do I get from you that she wants to pay me alimony?

That's putting it crudely but...

- Remember about that 20th crack? - Perfectly.

You've just made it. Before you go unconscious...

...get this through your nut. - Pardon?

"Unconscious." When you don't know anything. Your natural state.

There are some people you can't buy their self-respect.

- I'm one of those guys. - We just thought...

Don't think. I'll do the thinking.

Go back there and tell them I didn't marry that dame for her dough...

...and I don't want any of her dough now.

I was too poor to buy her a wedding present, so a divorce is her present.

Now, stand up! And now for that 20th crack.

Who was that?

Schuyler's lawyer.

What did he want?

He just dropped by to give us a great opening for the third act.

What was the idea he gave you?

Swell idea, Gallagher. How's this?

The lawyer comes to see the kid to talk over the divorce, you know.

They insult the poor but honest boy by offering him alimony.

The kid gets sore, socks the lawyer in the nose and throws him out.

How's that for the beginning of the third act, huh?

Well, from now on, the play will be easy.

All you have to do is bring the wife back.

Have her say she's sorry, and then your play's over.

What's the matter? You think I'll let him go back to his wife?

Not on your life. He's got to go to the other girl.

What other girl?

Little O'Brien girl, of course. The one you suggested in the story.

But that's ridiculous, Stew. You can't make a sudden change like that.

What you gonna do, tell me how to write a play?

There's nothing sudden about that.

He's always loved the girl.

But he was such a sap he didn't have sense enough to tell her.

That's all right. We can fix that. He'll go to her and...

Here, I'll show you.

He'll go to the little O'Brien gal, and he'll say...

In some pretty words of some kind, he'll say...

Something that you can write.

He'll say, "Darling, I'm sorry. I've been a fool all my life.

I've always loved you. I didn't have sense enough to see it.

And as quick as I get a divorce from my wife, I want you to marry me."

She'll look at him and then she'll say, "Yeah."

And then they'll embrace, or something like that.

Then he'll kiss her or something.

What's the matter, Gallagher? What's the matter?