All language subtitles for Laid.S01E05.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.x264-DAWN_track3_[eng]

What is this exactly?

It's your ex board.

All your ex's dead and
alive and in danger.

Hi.

I wanted to tell
you in person.

I'm dying.

Three weeks?

Really?

- So these guys are just dying?
- In order.

And you don't know why?

No idea.

I'm involved in it because
of you, because we did it.

Where have you two been?

Nowhere.

Why is your picture on there?

[THEME MUSIC - R CRUMB &
HIS CHEAP SUIT SERENADERS,

"MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

[growling]

Are we up?

What is this vision
I see before me?

Morning, Dad.

I'll put the kettle on.

I'm sure EJ will call back.

I don't know.

I wouldn't blame
her if she didn't.

How long since you've spoken?

Ages.

She must be fairly cross.
- Marion?

What?

GRAHAM: That's not
very constructive.

How do you think Roo feels?

She had sex with Zach.

GRAHAM: They were
broken up at the time.

What, so Mike and
[inaudible] Baker would be fair

game for her too, would they?

That was a
temporary separation

because of Mike's impotence.

It's very helpful really.

Can we move on to debating my
sex life in further detail?

You and EJ have been
friends for years, love.

You'll work through this.

Still, it's one of
those unwritten women's

laws, isn't it?

What is?

Not having sex with your
best friend's boyfriend.

I've obviously gone wrong
somewhere in raising you.

That must be it.

People do things when
they're drunk, love.

Things that aren't meant.

I think I just have
to get used to the idea

that she might never ring,
and the friendship is over.

All because I'm a
massive dickhead.

EJ: You're not listening.
- I am.

You're not.

You just keep talking over me.

I am.

I am.

I'm listening.

Watch me listen.

You're acting like
this isn't a big deal.

ZACH: Because it isn't.

You slept with my best friend.

Your ex-best friend.

She wasn't my ex
best friend when

you slept with her, was she?

She's my ex best friend
because you had sex with her.

When we'd broken up.

That doesn't make
any difference.

Why not?

Because it doesn't.

It's the rules.

What about the
Gizz sisters then?

Excuse me?

The Gizz sisters.

You know, isn't supposed to
be cool for like two friends

to sleep with the
same guy, and then

you're all like, oh, hey, let's
compare notes on his wang.

And then eat pizza
and hit each other

with feather pillows and stuff.

Where do you get this stuff?

[inaudible].

You know what?

Whether we're on a break
or not is truly irrelevant.

You could have
banged any tart who

finds your Napoleon
Dynamite impression funny,

but you didn't.

You choose someone that I have
a very strong connection with.

Surely, even you can see
how hurtful that would be.

I'm amazed that you can even
be bothered getting into a tizz

about all this right now.

Has it even registered
with you that considering

what's happening with
Roo at the moment

that I'm officially dying?

Dying.

OK, yes, I made a mistake.

And yes, you got
massively upset about it,

but at least you
get to live, EJ.

At least you get to
breathe God's air.

It's a bit melodramatic,
don't you think?

Dying.

The doctors say it's
only a matter of weeks.

This is all my fault.

Oh, darling, don't be silly.

It's nobody's fault.

We just have to accept that
he's not going to get better.

Bev and I have made
our peace with that.

We just want him to
slip calmly away.

Come on, let's give
them some time alone.

God, Andrew, this is awful.

I can't believe it
might be my fault

that this is happening to you.

I'm so-- I'm so sorry.

I break people.

I just wish this last part
wasn't so hard for you.

God, I owe you.

Maybe I can end your pain.

OK then.

I guess at least
now I know he won't

be in pain for much longer.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

I suppose.

Saying goodbye
is hard, isn't it?

I just wanted to
fix things, Dad.

I don't know if I
did the right thing.

Andrew's been a big part
of your life for a long time.

You needed closure.

What do you mean fix things?

He deserved to die
with dignity, didn't he?

I mean, everyone-- everyone
deserves to die with dignity.

Doesn't matter how it happens.

Do you mean euthanasia?

You didn't smother Andrew
with a pillow, did you?

Dad.

You know I love and
support you, darling,

but this is not "One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest,"

and you are not the Chief.

I did not smother
Andrew with a pillow.

I just said goodbye
to him intimately.

Intimately?

How intimately?

You don't want to know.

You didn't touch
his bits, did you?

Forget Get it.

I should never have
mentioned anything.

You did, didn't you?

You touched his bits.

Why would you do that?

It is some kind of
necrophilia kind of situation?

It's nothing.
Don't worry.

I should talk to EJ about this.

- You and EJ aren't speaking.
- I know.

That's another problem.

Honestly.

Necrophilia.

It's not necrophilia.

All right.

So do you want us to
talk about the ad or--

Just write down your
thoughts and put in the box

when you're done.

You OK?

No.

I think the PowerPoint machine
is going to work on its own,

if you want me to go.

I can-- I can go
back to your gyno

and pretend to be working
on the computers again.

I think that guy--
that guy's cheating.

That guy.

The guy in the--

[inaudible], keep your
eyes on your work, please.

do You want to come
to a party with me?

Yeah, well, they've
designed these in a way too,

so that you know sometimes
there's like a whole other part

of the control under there.

And look, it's just a
matter of making sure

the button that says
automatic is off

and that should work
directly with the DVD.

That is something else.

Isn't that something else?

Dad's been trying to
fix that for seven years.

You must be very
talented, Charlie.

Oh, look, it's
really not that hard.

I actually did a course in
remote controls in Tyff.

What about this one?

I keep trying to change the
Foxtail channel with it.

But it does
absolutely booger all.

Yeah, that's probably
because it's the remote control

for the garage door.

Perhaps we should label them?

I've got a label
maker in my bag.

Isn't that nice, Nan-Nan?

You can watch [inaudible]
on your birthday.

Don't waste your
breath, sweetheart.

She's a deaf old shit.

Mom.

Ice cream cake.

Why she would want that
tonight, I do not know.

Ice cream cake at 92.

Might as well throw her
into a vat of ricotta cheese

and make her swim her way out.

She likes ice cream.

She likes making a mess
and having me clean her up.

Don't you, Mom?

Like a good scrubbing
in the shower?

Like a hose down?

I say this with affection, mind.

Uh-huh.

You do email on that?

Uh, no, it's a label maker.

He's wonderful.

Yes, he is.

I know.

And he has his
own label maker.

Hey, look at this, will ya?

Well, at least, if
anyone spikes your drink,

we'll know it's on purpose.

You gonna ask him to stay
the night in the caravan?

- No, thank you.
- Oh, go on.

I would.

Nan.

He's wonderful.

You're wonderful.

Spend the night together.

I can't.

Why not?

Because-- because everyone
I have sex with dies, frankly.

How the exact
sentence I imagined

saying to my grandmother on
Nan-Nan's birthday, but there

you are.

Everyone I have sex with dies.

Oh, darling.

Me too.

Really?

Really.

So this-- wait a minute,
so this is a thing?

Some kind of family thing?

Is the cake ready yet, Mom?

I'm not sure if she's going
to stay awake for much

longer without medication.

Traveling.

Oh, no, prop her up.

She can't eat cake like that.

[SINGING] For she's
a jolly good fellow,

and so say all of us.

Hip hip.

Horray.

Hip hip.

Hooray.

I won't ask her to
blow out the candles.

Let's learn our
lesson from last year.

I might need help.

Can I serve anyone some cake?

Roo?

It's got trees on it.

Roo?

I'll have some, Charlie.

Mind you, leave off the
little plastic gopher.

I wouldn't want to get a
nine iron stuck in my throat.

Four.

I like golfing jokes.

Oh, Nan-Nan's in the bath.

How she managed to get ice
cream cake in her armpit,

I'll never know.

It's a gift.

Listen, Nan.

What you said before
about everyone

you've ever been with dying?

What's going-- oh, god,
Nan-Nan's in the bath.

You might have warned me.

Well, you didn't
knock, did you?

Well, I didn't
know I was going

to be faced with her hacky
sacks when I walked in the door,

did I?

Mom, we're kind of in
the middle of something.

You know, Charlie's stuck
out there with your father,

don't you?

We're talking about sex.

Oh.

Girl talk.
Who's sexing who?

Is this about Zach?

I always thought he'd
be rather well-endowed.

The scruffy one?

Oh, I wouldn't have thought so.

Oh my god.

So you run a men's group?

A few actually.

You interested?

No.

No, I meant-- I
was just making--

Small talk.

Yeah.

We deal a lot with,
uh, communication issues.

I don't think I've got
communication issues.

You seem to have a
problem with silence.

No, no.

I mean, I was just being polite.

Showing an interest?

CHARLIE: Right.

Never be afraid
of silence, Charlie.

It can reveal a lot of truths.

I didn't think I was.

Never be afraid of silence.

It effects you deeply,
anything like this, doesn't it?

When your lover's
passed, and you're

taken back to that moment in
your life when you were theirs.

Just a moment of
beautiful romantic grief.

Who were they?

The men?

Oh, there was Johnny Miller.

He was many moons
ago, of course.

And your Pop.

What?

That's it?

That's it.

Can I have a turn now?

Aren't all yours still alive?

Well, of course, they are.

Then no.

But Pop only died last
year of natural causes.

NAN: So?

So So when did
Johnny Miller die?

Oh, it was June.

2006, I think it was.

I still think of him
from time to time.

Oh, your lovers die eventually
when you get to my age.

That's the other head one.

That's the kitchen.

That's the pool.

I've forgotten
what this one was.

I put it in after I
saw spooks, you know.

I want to get a
surveillance camera outside.

I love machines.
I just love machines.

I'm not very good at
them, but I love machines.

Oh, that one-- that one's
a secret one that turns

on the passageway over there.

And that one's the
garage, so you can--

you got any questions?

What is that one?

What did you say
that one do again?

You know, I once did
it with Rick Springfield

in the back of a Datsun 121?

Oh, Mom, please.

How come I have to sit here
and listen to my mother talk

about her sex life,
and yet when I do it

suddenly it's revolting?

Because I was trying
to work something out.

Work what out?

What are you talking about?

Go on, go on, do it again.

You're right.

It bloody was the garage door.

The neighbors must have
thought we'd gone mad.

Is Roo coming--

Do it again.

Winder her.

Let it go.

Yes.

It's the door.

Go on.

I'm sue they're not all dying.

They are.

Brendan, Laden, that guy with
the wonky eye you always used

to think was winking at you.

Oh, it's a series of
unfortunate coincidences.

You're being hysterical.
- It's not.

Why won't you listen?

I thought we were going
to sit here and have

a good old natter about sex.

Now, you're being morbid.

I'm not.
whole

Oh, elections station.

Mom's done a poo in the bath.

It's just a little one.

Grab the rubber gloves there.

Where's Charlie?

No, I offered to play around
the mastermind with him,

and all of a sudden
he said he had to go.

You're not going to do that
unconscious thing with him too,

are you?

[cellphone ringing]

Shit.

GRAHAM: Morning,
sweetheart, sleep well?

Not really.

Is the grim reaper hungry?

Mom, that's not funny.

NAN: I'm sorry, darling,
but the whole thing

is just too ridiculous.

- What do you mean Grim Reaper?
- Nothing.

She means nothing.

She thinks she's
killing people.

What?

With sex.

Oh, is that what the
necrophilia talk was all about.

NAN: What necrophilia talk?

I'm not a necrophiliac.

Oh, you mean like the AIDS?

It's not the AIDS.

It's her imagination.

And that's why I
didn't want to tell you.

Thank you for listening.

Well, if it is the AIDS,
we can still support her.

Look at that Greg Louganis guy.

He's done all right for himself.

Magic Johnson.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm glad you could
make it in time.

Is he really that close?

Doctors reckon it's
a matter of hours.

Shit.

I know.

Ready?

I don't know.

Apparently, there are
magic turtles in here.

Gold ones.

This must be the night
he went to the casino.

Remember he got
the currency wrong?

Thought he was betting $0.50
and he was betting $50.

And that's why he rang
us at 4:00 in the morning

because he was broke.

Market food.

He always loved his market food.

This is the real McCoy now.

I'm gonna be honest with ya.

I'm a little worried about
pickpockets [inaudible],

but I'm gonna be cool.

CLERK: Mister,
mister, you want DVD?

ANDREW: No, no, no, no DVD.

Want necklace for girlfriend?

ANDREW: No, thank you.

No, no, no.

I a spiritual doctor.

[inaudible]

ANDREW: Really?

$10 for you.

ANDREW: No, no, no.
I'm fine.

Thank you.

Someone break your heart,
I put the curse for you.

ANDREW: Well, there's
an ex-girlfriend.

CLERK: Yes.

Girlfriend my
specialty [inaudible].

ANDREW: You might can feel
how it is to lose people?

Can you do that?

CLERK: Cheap. $10 for you.

ANDREW: $10?

No, no. $5, you have a deal.
- OK.

ANDREW: $5?

All right, that's a good deal.

That's a good deal.

I think I'll just start
monkeying with a hat.

Can we rewind that?

I think it's a curse.

Andrew put a curse on me.

Look, I really, really
miss you, and I love you.

And I know I messed up,
but there's a reason now.

I'm cursed.

Sorry, the curse made
you have sex with Zach?

I know that was an forgivable,
but I really need you

to help me work through this.

Mom and Dad just
think I'm mental.

I can't talk right now.

Where are you going?

My cousin's funeral.

Oh, my god, which one?

Stuart.

He was in a car accident.

You didn't happen to have
sex with him, did you?

I have to go.

Just pull the door shut
and try not to have sex

with anything while I'm out.

So you can be here and
you just press new game

and then someone appears,
and you just chat to them.

Oh.

It's not all penises.

You get used to it actually.

Oh.
[meowing]

OK, sorry.

That is not on.

I'm going to report them
to the over-writers,

but it's pretty good
for the most part.

Just the other day I was
talking to the actress who

played Precious in that movie.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I suppose it could've been
just a fat chick in a mask.

Hi.

Hi, Roo, now, have you
played this Chat [inaudible]?

Isn't that the one
with all the penises?

Never mind.

Can you talk for a sec?

I'm a bit busy now actually.

ROO: I meant Charlie.

What about?

It's kind of--

I just wanted to say, um, sorry
that things got a bit busy.

What did?

My great
grandmother's birthday.

That's OK.

ROO: It's not really.
- Forget about it.

It doesn't matter.

Have you guys, uh?

What?

You have.

Um, Nan-Nan just
had to take a bath.

Gross.

We got caught up talking, and
it was stupid and thoughtless.

It's done now, OK?

Don't-- don't worry about it.

OK.

[inaudible] You totally
[inaudible] her, man.

Oh.
Hello.

Hi.

I'm Darren.

Now they've gone.

I can't believe it.

I know, right?

No one here can explain it, and
you know what doctors are like.

They don't exactly like
to use the word miracle,

but here I am.

And you're better?

I don't know about
completely cured,

but apparently, I was
a couple of hours off,

you know, and now, I'm
getting better every hour.

This just makes
no sense at all.

And it's amazing.
Really great.

There's really no
easy way to ask this.

Did you put a curse on
me a couple of years ago?

What?

A curse?

You were on holiday,
some guy was going to put

a curse on your ex, and--

That's right.

Aw, look, that was nothing.

Just a little curse.

He was also selling chickens
and wedding planner DVDs.

I don't think he could
put a curse on anybody.

You're not seriously
upset, are you?

Everything's shit.

Everyone's dying, and I
thought that was the reason,

because you cursed me.

I'm not dying.

You were.

I was, but something happened.

Now, I'm not.

Look, I know I don't really
know you or anything, or what

your intentions with Roo.

OK, I'm just going to
say it, but go with me,

because it does sound
a little bit weird.

You're probably going to die.

Sorry?

Yeah.

I know it's a bit
intense, but trust me,

it's better hearing
it firsthand,

one brother to another.

[inaudible]?

Thanks for meeting me.

I'm not going to
lie to you, Roo.

Life's pretty rough
at the moment.

It's hard to go
anywhere without,

you know, totally
expecting to die.

I mean, right now, part of me's
like is this beer poisoned?

And there's another
part that's like,

well, fuck it, just drink it.

Life's for living.

That's-- that's deep.

Time's ticking away, man.

Ticking away.

Maybe not.

No.

I'm next.

That's how it goes.

Maybe, I might have
found a loophole.

What do you mean?

Well, I went back there with
an ex, Andrew, he was sick.

He was really sick.

After we, you know,
he got better.

What are you doing?

Are you crazy?

Let's do this.

Let's get this over with.

I want to shake
this bitch curse.

It's not definite.
It's a theory.

It's definite enough for me.

I'm not gonna have sex
with you on the table.

Toilets, then.

There's plenty of
room in the disabled

if you don't want the smell.

Look, even if it worked,
I can't do this to EJ again.

You guys need to talk.

It's not morally right.

Fuck morals.

Are you seriously going
to hold off on me because

of some stupid girl code?

This is my life
we're talking about.

Let's go to the dunnies.

Zach, I appreciate this
is frustrating for you.

I really do, but
she's my best friend.

We have to work it
out another way.

Pull your pants up.

You pull yours up.

But he-- he looked better.

I just saw him.

He said it was a miracle.

It was.

Obviously, not
a very good one.

He's dead.

Poor Andrew.

There's this thing
people get sometimes

when they've been ill.

Before they pass on,
it's like a second wind.

They perk up, they get lucid.

Say goodbye to their loved ones.

I'm so sorry, darling,
I just didn't think--

well, it just sounds
so absurd, doesn't it?

I know.

That's the problem.

Death is just a transition.

It's a step between the
Earth and the unknown.

It's like--

Dad, Dad, please.

We are here for you, darling,
no matter what has happened.

Or why.

Thanks, Mom.

You should be happy that
you had those final moments

with Andrew before he left us.

They're precious,
precious things.

Always cherish them.

Harness those into
your life force.

Graham.

[knocking]

Your dad pointed me out here.

I just-- I wasn't
really ready to talk.

I'm sorry.

That's OK.

I'm having a bit of a shit time.

I understand.

That's nice, but I
don't think you do.

It's a bit too
full on to explain.

Actually, I've had
it explained to me.

Your friend Zach.

Oh god.

CHARLIE: Yeah.

It's not as bad as it seems.

It is, but there's definitely
a reasonable explanation.

I just haven't found out
what that is yet, but I will.

So if you think I'm some sort
of psycho sex fiend lunatic,

please don't call the police.

[theme music]