Original subtitles

[V.6.]

All right, what age do you think I am?

I don't know, 30s?

Thirty, thirty.

Why? What age are you?

A lady doesn't tell her age.

You're a lady?

You mind your manners!

I'm only messing.

Happy birthday anyway, gorgeous.

I can't believe you're single.

I was sure you'd be married with weans and the whole shebang.

No. Not married.

One wean, but she's a big girl now.

She's 15, going on 50.

Jeez, you must have had her when you were young.

Mmm.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, it's not very comfortable.

Let's go to your gaff.

My daughter's there. Let's go to yours.

I live with my ma and da.

For fuck sake!

Me and me mates are getting a gaff soon.

Oh, just take me home.

Come on.

You'll have a good time.

Ooh! Ooh! Oops! Oh, it's not very comfortable.

It's like a double bed.

No, let's do this some other time.

Come on, you're breaking me heart!

Come on. I want to give you a birthday present.

Oh, fuck!

And you just take the left up here.

I'll drop you here. I'm heading over this way.

Okay.

Well, thanks for the ride home, Barry.

Thanks for the ride, Paula.

My name is Pamela.

I know, that's what I said, Paumela.

'Night. Safe home.

Get up, ya waster!

I'm up. All right, I'm up, I'm up.

Oh, my God.

What time did you get in at anyway?

Oh, please lighten up, love. It was me birthday.

Aye, and you couldn't just go out for a meal like any normal 44-year-old?

Me and the girls had a hearty meal, love.

Six bottles of Prosecco and a fete of gin and tonics!

You just gonna sit there hungover all day?

This is fortified with omega three.

That's fish oil!

What kind of person can't even buy vegan orange juice?

I'm away.

And why are you throwing out my stuff?

Oh, no, I'm not throwing it out.

I was just reddin' up and I thought you might want to keep those.

I remember this.

Alfie and Annie Rose.

Mind I used to change the names to Alfie and Allegra Rose?

"Property of the Library."

This was due back 12 years ago!

Hello, class. Class! Class!

Hello, everybody. Hello, class. Thank you. Erm...

I'm Mr Gibson. Your new Art Teacher while Mrs. Weir's on maternity leave.

I need you to speak up nice and loudly when I call your name,

so I know where you are and who you are.

Amy Anderson.

- Here. - Amy.

- Luke Boyle. - Here.

Luke. Algebra Casey.

Allegra Casey?

Allegra, sorry, I just... I've never heard that name before.

You've never heard of Allegra?

The new car from Toyota.

Yeah, okay. Thank you.

I'm here, but everyone calls me Ally.

When has anyone ever called you Ally?

Oh, Ally!

Okay, thank you. Okay, well, you're here now.

That's the important thing, okay? Thanks, Ally.

- Jack Davidson? - Here.

Hi, Jack. Hijack.

Okay, uh...

Right, and...

Ally, can you tell me what you've done with Mrs. Weir so far?

Um, self-portraits.

Self-portraits. That's good. Okay, we'll start with self-portraits.

We'll probably lead in with that. Is that okay? Thank you, Ally.

Hi. I'm dying.

We ended up in gay bar, sniffing poppers till 4:00 in the morning.

Oh, Jesus!

Aye! And the birthday girl disappeared home.

Haha! I wish I hadn't.

I ended up shagging that young fellow.

Jeez, Pam. He looked about 12.

Excuse me, he was 24.

He still lives with his ma and da.

Christ, Sinead.

We didn't even use a condom.

I have to get tested for STDs.

Jeez, you're lucky you're infertile.

It's not like chlamydia is gonna do you any harm.

I have to stop getting myself in that state.

Aye. You are in a bigger state than Texas right enough.

Here. I got a curt myself.

What?

You know Danny? Bobby's friend?

Ah! I knew he was into you.

Right. Fill me in over the hair of the dog.

Oh, I'm hanging.

Fuck it!

- Medicinal only. - Mmm-hmm.

- Slainte. - Slainte.

Hey, Finn. Good luck on Saturday.

Good luck with the match.

Twilight girl from Magoo's class is talking to you.

Shut up, would ya?

Come on!

Don't put that batch on for another hour, Michael.

The Roxy staff like theirs warm.

Good woman, Pam.

- Pamela. - Auck, Rhiannon, how are you?

- Great. - How's your granny?

All right. Good.

Have the wee order all ready.

And I put a few of them wee fancy buns that she likes.

Oh, thanks. She'll be all lurred.

Tell her I was asking for her.

Will do.

And we'll need another dozen of those turnovers for the boys on the building site.

What's happening?

Hello, boys. How are youse?

What's happening?

These are all half price?

These are half-priced today, yes. Two for 50p.

- Give me two of them. - Two of them, yes.

Jelly's turned out bad so had to pop them on half-price stash.

- What's wrong with them? - What's wrong with them?

Ya ever seen ones like them before?

- Don't bother, honey. - You know it.

He always forgets his money. Ah, here, love. It doesn't matter.

All right. All the best, lads, take care.

She's fucking cool.

I bet she'd go for it.

Where were you?

You were supposed to help me with the shopping.

I was waiting for you for ages like a gak.

I am talking to you.

Are you ever gonna use cotton bags?

Oh, get off your high horse and give me a hand.

Do you do it just to annoy me?

I mean, they are hanging on the back of the door.

And why did you leave me to run around Derry

with a stupid Italian name?

Well, if you cheered up a bit, you might like it.

It's supposed to mean joyful.

I didn't realize I was being sarcastic when I picked it.

Great. Charity donuts again.

When are you gonna get a real job?

Oh, you mean instead of the pretend one that pays the bills?

"Pays the bills"?

This is Granny's house.

We'd be homeless if we had to pay rent.

What is this about?

Working part-time at a bakery at your age?

What a success.

I didn't have a chance to have a career, because I was raising you on my own,

and looking after your granny, which was not easy.

And I happen to like my job.

Well, Granny's dead, and I'm not a wean any more.

Then stop behaving like one.

Me?

The age of you, running after younger men!

- What? - Find a fellow your own age.

No, she's just... She's just a cheeky wee bitch.

She just gives out all day long.

You know what it's like at that age.

I suppose.

There you go. Hot to trot.

Christ! I love contouring.

Mmm!

No. Do you know what? Actually, I am all right.

I don't feel too great.

Hey, don't flake on me now.

No, no, no. I'm grand. I'm definitely coming.

I just don't feel like myself.

It's our Chrissy's engagement party.

First time Danny's meeting the weans.

I'm nervous, Pam. I need you to back me up.

And I'm mad about him.

When you know... you know.

Hmm. No, I'm coming. I'm coming.

I just don't feel right. My boobs are sore.

- Sore boobs? - Mmm.

Feeling sick?

If I didn't know better, I would say you were pregnant.

Oh, fuck!

Jesus, Sinead, I couldn't be pregnant.

You and your wonky one?

More like the menopause at our age.

Cows are so pumped full of antibiotics,

and the people with penicillin allergies can't eat burgers.

That's what I could eat, a big, juicy burger.

Hilarious, Ma.

Huh, love?

Hangover food?

No, not even.

Right. Well, I have to go,

cos I have to walk to the library before school,

because someone can't even drive.

Fuck!

What the fuck will I do?

I don't know.

Well, I'll ask around,

get you those tablets.

- Do we need to go to England? - Sinead.

After Allegra, I was told I couldn't have any more weans.

Now you know what that was like.

Well then, sure.

It's the best thing that could happen to you.

You're going to have a wee baby.

At my age?

What if there's something wrong with it?

Oh, Jesus, Pam. Don't talk like that.

The dad... I don't even know his surname.

Oh, God! I'm so sorry, Pam.

You know how I get when I'm nervous.

Fuck!

Fuck.

The scan puts you at 10 weeks,

so conception happened around eight weeks ago. Would that be right?

Yeah.

You have a complicated history.

Ectopic pregnancy at 17,

one fallopian tube, endometriosis, and you're in your mid-forties.

Yeah.

So, this baby is a wee miracle, then.

Now, there are some risks

that come with a geriatric pregnancy.

But it's not all doom and gloom.

There are definite advantages to having a baby at your age.

One has more sense, more experience, and you are financially better off.

Oh, I'm fucked.

Hello, Barry's Plumbing.

Hello, Barry. It's Pamela.

Hi.

We met in Duggan's a while back.

You drove me home.

We went for a drive first, mind.

We parked up in Gobnascale.

That's right. What's cracking?

I need to talk to you.

Do you wanna meet in town for a coffee?

Jesus, not in town.

I can meet you up in Gobnascale now.

Right.

Okay.

See you there.

Right.

Right, right, right.

Couldn't keep away from me, eh?

I have to talk to you.

I can think of a few things I want to say to you.

We should go somewhere more appropriate.

I don't plan on doing anything appropriate with you.

Do you feel that?

Ten seconds with you, and it's hard as a rock, you minx.

I'm pregnant and it's your baby.

Don't fucking touch me.

This is what happens when you're not careful.

You told me that you couldn't have any weans.

And I'm not the only boy who's fucked you recently,

so go find someone else to scam money off.

How am I scamming you?

Want me to pay for an imaginary abortion, do you?

I'm not having an abortion. I just wanted you to know.

Never come near me again, you slag!

What's all this?

Quinoa.

It's pronounced quee-noa.

No. Wanda in the health food shop said it's quin-oa.

And there are tomatoes and avocados, and the red onions, they're all organic.

Thanks, Mammy.

Thank you.

You all right, Mammy?

Aye.

You sure?

I don't know.

Allegra, I have to talk to you.

I don't know how...

Well, I do know how, but, um...

I'm 10 weeks pregnant.

Mammy, what?

It just happened. I didn't think I could...

But how?

I don't know, it just...

Mammy.

It might not be such a bad thing, you know.

Who's the dad?

That's not important.

Not important?

Look, I don't know him, darling.

Allegra, please.

Mammy, just...

Just stop.

How can you even think about having another child?

You are a terrible mother!

Morning.

Do you want tea?

Allegra, look. We can't keep normal? We live in the same house.

I don't want anything.

And I can't believe that you told me to go on the pill

and you end up with an unplanned pregnancy.

Darlin', it's not as if I'm sick or something.

- We're going to have a wee baby. - You're having a baby.

I swear, if it wasn't for school, I'd be in Belfast with Daddy.

Love, we both know that wouldn't happen.

You're pathetic.

No wonder Daddy left you.

- Mary. - Hmm?

- Can I tell you a secret? - Of course.

There appears to be a lot of scarring in the womb.

- Scaring? - That'll be the endometriosis.

- God, Pam. - Sinead.

Let's have a look.

There's a fine, healthy wee baby.

- There's the spine. - Oh.

Little heart pumping away.

Oh, look.

Oh, Sinead, look. Oh.

Told ya it'll be fine, didn't I?

Hold hands. Oh, you want to hold my hand, love?

Life's mad, eh?

I'm marrying off me eldest and you're starting over.

Sinead, will you be my birthing partner?

Ah, off course. I'd love that.

Be down at the business end for a change?

I'm not asking you to deliver the wean, I'm asking you to hold me hand.

I know what a birthing partner is, thank you very much.

Had a couple of useless ones, myself.

Finally bagged a good man, but.

And I finally got pregnant again, but the same useless man trouble.

Aye. You'll need Kieran to get his finger out for Allegra, now.

I am not bringing that up again.

You should. Bastard's loaded.

And this one's da,

is his name going on the birth certificate?

No.

You can hardly expect the wean to be brought up in a wee place like this,

and not know who their da is.

I've done me duty. I've told the father.

I can't ask himto play happy families.

Chill out, mucker. No one's asking you to marry the fella.

But the wean has family in the town.

He could end up shagging...

Oh, just let me enjoy the fact the pregnancy's going well.

I'm just saying...

Better deal with it sooner rather than later.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Michael.

Yes, my dear.

- Hmm. - What?

Am I doing something wrong?

No. Uh...

I need to tell you something.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Doctor's says everything's OK.

Geez, you can see the whole body.

Is that a wee?

I think it's a wee foot.

Is it a boy?

- I dunno yet, love. - When will you know?

Might keep it as a surprise.

Have you any scans of me?

Aha, ha. Up the stairs.

What's your homework?

- Uh, geography. - Do you want a wee hand?

I can manage on my own, Professor Pamela.

Then, you don't need any help, Little Miss Perfect.

What does it feel like?

Not much, really. It's only tiny.

It's like a wee butterfly.

I like this. A lot of good work going on here.

This is good. Very weird, but I like it.

And I like the top of this, Rhiannon. This looks pretty good.

And... Owen, please don't be sniffing that. Thank you.

Uh, Ally, this is good. Maybe a bit more texture on top.

I've got something in the art room. Give me a second.

So, is this baby gonna call your ma "Mammy" or "Granny"?

What?

Ally, I didn't say anything, I promise.

Aw, did you think no one knew anything about Pamela, the baker,

with the wee, deformed bun in the oven?

Did you not have the talk with your ma,

and let her know what happens when she whores about?

Not funny, Shauna.

What's that, Scary Mary?

I heard she doesn't even know who the dad is.

Jesus, what a tramp!

You shut up, Shawna. Who's your niece's da?

Allegra, I swear it wasn't me.

- Allegra! - Don't.

Mary. Mary MARY: Allegra.

Where... where have they gone?

Where have they gone?

Allegra.

I didn't tell anyone, I swear.

Just leave me alone, Mary.

You all right?

Aye.

I've known Shauna my whole life. She's full of shite.

Don't take her on.

She doesn't bother me.

Yeah, I didn't even know Pamela was your ma, till today.

She's so cool.

Aye, she's all right.

Are you excited about getting a wee brother or sister?

Not really.

I think it's a bit weird, to be honest.

Why?

Just is.

Have you other brothers and sisters?

Nah.

Really?

I have four.

Never a minute's peace in our house.

- Who's that? - My ma.

- She works in the school. - Is she a teacher?

No, she's a cleaner.

Here. Have you ever seen this here?

Look.

You should come around the house sometime.

Watch TV or something.

- He's a demon in the sack. - Really?

Aye. He's kinky. Into all sorts.

- Like what? - Like role-playing.

All that rubber gear and all?

Nah. Nah, different.

Lucky you. I've the horn of doom.

Ah, the pregnant horn. I remember it well.

- And ye with no one to sort you out. - Hmm.

Jesus. Your fanny must be chewing your leg off.

What's so funny?

Aye, Tyler's a lovely girl's name.

I like Regan.

OK, I see why youse are laughing.

Can I be in charge of naming the baby?

Right. What names do you like?

Dunno. Finn's nice for a boy.

Hmm. How about Tyrell for a boy?

It's not a packet of crisps. Might as well call it Tayto.

- See, I like the Italian names... - No!

No more Italian names.

Mario.

Ha. Wee Luigi.

Luigi and Allegra. Clever.

I'm only joking.

Michael, I got somebody to fix that machine.

They'll be here on Thursday morning.

- You're a diamond. - Thank you.

I hate to ask, but would you come in tomorrow, Pam,

and take care of the order? Bridie's sick, and I can't ask

- any of the rest of them. - Aye, no bother.

You're a lifesaver.

I enjoy doing this.

You want another one? You're eating for two now.

They're lovely.

Shit!

Shit.

I'll see you in a second.

Aem, Allegra, is it?

Yeah. But everyone calls me Ally.

Right. Ally.

You're mates with Rhiannon Coyle, aren't ye?

- Aye. - Is she on Snapchat?

- Aye, she is. - Have you got her username?

Mmm-hmm.

Grand. Thanks.

Here, you want to see all the wile dear healthy shit your ma's got ye!

Hello, love. Any word from your da about your birthday?

- No. - Jesus, me bladder needs the loo.

You all right, love?

How do you make a boy like you?

Well... if a boy likes you, wild horses won't stop him!

So, if he can't see that you're smart and beautiful and interesting,

well, he's not right for you. What's for you, won't go past you.

But he's so gorgeous. I can't stop thinking about him.

Oh, darlin'.

You want me to buy you a wee dildo?

Oh, my God, you're disgusting.

- What are youse laughing at? - Nothing.

Right, who's for tea?

Aye, I'll have one.

Let me get yours.

Just try and relax. That's it.

We should be able to tell the sex today too, if you want to find out.

- Oh, I'm not sure. - Aye, go on.

- OK. - OK.

- A perfectly healthy baby boy. - Really?

His wee scanned photo's on the fridge if ye want to have a look at him.

What do you think of Finn Kelly?

Um, from the rugby team?

- I don't know. - Do you think he's good-looking?

I don't know him.

You don't have to know someone to have an opinion on their looks.

I suppose he's not ugly.

Well, we've been messaging.

He's asked me to the pictures with him.

Good for you.

I think you like him, though.

What? What are you saying that for. I don't know him.

If you fancy him, I'll not go.

I don't fancy him.

I see the way you look at him, Ally.

He seems sound, but I'm not gonna go with him if you like him.

OK. Maybe he's nice to look at, so I might look at him sometimes,

but, I don't know him, so I can hardly fancy hm.

You go with him.

- You sure? - Course.

Ah, very good.

- Very good, very good performance. - Hmm.

Great. We'll watch another episode.

Ah, sorry, I'm going out.

You're going out tonight again?

It's the weekend, Ma.

I meant to say, we're all going around to Emma's tonight.

Ah, OK.

Pamela, sexy. I'm just in the middle of sending you a picture.

We're sitting with all these French bikers. The craic's ninety!

Oh, I'm scunnered sittin' in.

Speak up, love. I can't hear ye.

The weekends are really...

Here, you did A Level French, you can talk to these'ins.

I know, Mary, it's just I might have other plans now.

Aye, right. My aunt bought the tickets.

Well, I'll give you the money and then I'll pay for yours

and we can all do something else together.

With who? Your new friends?

What's that's supposed to mean?

I never see you any more.

You're always with Rhiannon and her gang.

We see each other nearly every day.

Aye, at school, but never after.

You've always some excuse.

- I don't. - Aye, you do.

You wouldn't even come shoe shopping with me.

And you know I hate picking shoes by myself.

I didn't have time.

And your shoes are lovely.

These are my old shoes.

Even my ma says she doesn't see you any more.

I'm just busy.

Right.

I won't waste any more of your time then.

Bye, Ally.

Come on, Ally.

I'll get it.

Jesus, look at you.

How did this happen? Nobody tells me anything.

If you rang your daughter once in a while,

I'm sure she would have told ye.

Well, who's the lucky fella?

Never mind that. She's not ready. Do you want tea?

Aye, go on.

How the fuck did you manage to get up the duff? IVF?

No, it happened naturally, actually.

Jesus, again? At your age!

Aye.

Listen, Kieran, uh...

I need to talk to you about, uh...

- About contributing more. - What?

I've paid for everything. You've never helped out.

"Never helped out"? Jesus.

Can't believe I'm hearing this. Christmas, birthdays, holidays.

I'm there with the big bucks.

Aye. But it's the day-to-day stuff that builds up.

She'd never get out of Derry, if it was left to you.

You can't even drive.

Worrying about bread and butter in your mid-forties is no joke...

but think long and hard about whose fault that is, Pam.

You'd brains to burn, but pissed them away.

All them years as a barmaid.

While I worked hard! Got where I am by myself.

So don't you go expecting handouts, when you never done anything worthwhile.

Raising Allegra wasn't worthwhile?

You've got no a mortgage to worry about.

And you have the cheek to come scrounging off me.

This is not for me. This is for Allegra.

Pam, you need to remember, I never signed up for any of this.

I'm good to her.

Most men would have told you where to go.

And you expect me to bail you?

That's me girl now.

Thanks for the tea.

Let's go, darlin'.

I'm off.

- You OK? - Aye, I'm fine.

You have a good time, love.

Happy birthday.

I'm sorry I'm not seeing you on your actual birthday.

But I put 200 quid into your account. How does that sound?

Thanks.

So, is your ma all loved up with her new man then?

Nah.

Who's she pregnant to?

You don't know?

Jesus.

I wonder if she even knows herself.

When was the last boyfriend she had?

I dunno.

What happened to the Polish fella?

I dunno, Daddy.

A woman her age, going on like that.

- Do you ever see anyone, nah? - Huh?

What happened to Lucy?

You know me. I don't like to get tied down.

For fuck's sake, will you watch where you're going!

I'm so sorry, sir.

Aww... Your big pregnant hole would look lovely in that.

Remember, we're looking for an outfit for the mother-of-the-bride.

Never mind that. You need to get on to social services about Kieran,

- make him pay up. - Jesus, I'd never do that.

- Why not? - Sinead.

Hey, sexy.

Danny, what are you doing here?

I saw youse come in. Here, give us a kiss.

Oh, Bobby's on about hitting London

for his fortieth. Youse up for it?

Ah, definitely.

- Ah, Pamela. - Oh, hardly.

Eh, ahem, do you want to get something to eat?

Aye. You coming, Pam?

No, I have a few things I have to do.

- Are you sure? - Aye, yeah, yeah.

I'll give you a ring later on.

- All right. - See you later.

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Come on.

Come on.

Watch where you're going, Barry. She was pregnant

Reuben's a nice name. Oh, no!

He doesn't like that.

What's it like...

being pregnant?

It's emotional.

I was crying at Countdown yesterday.

Did you get the conundrum again?

No, I didn't. The contestant got it before me.

I think that's why I was crying.

Being pregnant is hard.

I mean, I'm 44.

I'll be nearly 45 when I have him.

Forty-nine when he starts school.

Sixty when he's your age.

But when I think about it, it's amazing.

I mean, I'm growing a brand-new wee human being.

When I think about that, it knocks me sideways.

Especially when I was told that my body couldn't do it.

You know,

I have you...

and I'm going to have another one.

And I know the circumstances aren't perfect...

but I feel very blessed.

Oh! Oh, quick here.

Oh.

That must feel so weird!

Hello.

He wants to say, "Hi."

It's me, your sister.

He's dancing.

- A little wee kick. - Oh.

Your house is pure class, Ally.

Where'd you get all the dootsy stuff?

It was my granny's.

Oh, dear, what's this?

Cow jug.

Ally, you have mad food in your fridge.

I could only find oat milk.

Aye, my mummy's gone real healthy since the pregnancy.

And I don't eat any animal products either.

Oh, right.

Oh! I didn't know your ma was a lezzer.

That's totes amaze.

No, that's my godmother.

They just love acting like pure gacks.

Your ma's a dick! That's class.

My ma's a boring bastard.

Do you wanna go out the line on Friday for your birthday, Ally?

Build a bonfire?

Aye, that'll be cool.

Can Finn come?

Of course.

Oh, dear, you are lethal at drawing.

What is this?

It's me.

# Happy Birthday to you

# Happy Birthday to you

# Happy Birthday, dear Allegra

# Happy Birthday to you #

- Happy Birthday, darling. - Thanks, Mummy.

Thank you. Oh, this looks amazing!

Oh, your presents.

Here we go.

Oh, Mummy...

it's beautiful.

Are they my scan photos?

- Yes, they were upstairs. - Oh, wow.

Look at Sinead.

- And you, 21. - Aye.

Gorgeous.

- Oh, wow. - You in your third.

So crazy.

- Aw, look at us. - I know.

So beautiful. Like the way you are there.

- Sweet! - I know.

Mummy, thank you so much. This is amazing.

Here's another wee thing. There's something inside as well.

Do you want a wee bite of cake now?

No sure, I'll have some when I'm home.

So, what's the plan? Somewhere you off to tonight?

Um... probably just the cinema.

And then bowling.

Well, be good, be safe, be careful.

If you can't be good, don't get caught.

See you, love. Have a great night.

Don't forget your big coat.

Bye.

Do you want me to get it?

Sorry. Ready?

- Happy birthday, Ally! - To me!

Oh, my God, delete that, delete that, please!

No, no! I like it, I like it.

Cheese!

Cheese!

Oh!

Again. Again. Again. Again.

Actually, I'm going to.

No, that's it. I'm going.

Right, I have to go to the toilet. Who's coming?

Ally?

I don't think I can stand.

Emma what... Oh, obviously not.

- I can come with you if you want. - No, you're all right.

I've been able to do it without help for a while now.

Your arms are really strong.

Is that just from rugby, or do you work out?

Just training I suppose.

Your eyelashes are like so long.

Oh, God, even they're gorgeous.

Finn, you have no idea how much I think about you.

I fancied you since first year.

If you weren't going out with Rhiannon, would you go out with me?

Maybe you should stop drinking.

Just tell me...

because like...

I think about you so much, it hurts.

You ever think about me?

There you are.

What's wrong?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh!

Argh, Jesus! She boaked all over my shoes.

Oh, no.

I just peed myself.

She did too, the dirty bitch!

Where is she, Jesus?

Hmm.

You all right, love?

You OK?

Yeah, I couldn't get a taxi.

Oh.

Here we go.

Hello, darling.

Tell us all the bars. How was last night?

Yeah, it was grand.

What film did you see?

We didn't bother. We, um...

ended up bowling.

Oh. Who won?

Erm... I did.

Whoo-hoo!

The birthday girl.

It must have been a great night then.

Yeah.

Hello?

Mary?

Allegra. So you're alive.

Did you see Once?

Is it good?

What do you care?

I wish I would have gone with you.

Erm, are you babysitting tonight?

Do you want me to keep you company?

Nah.

Well, erm...

Do you wanna do something tomorrow?

No, I'm busy. I have to go.

I said I'm sorry, okay.

I still have to go.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey, can I talk to you?

These are yours.

I hardly remember what happened.

Well, you peed and boaked all over yourself.

And then, I had to sneak you into my house for a shower.

That's after you threw yourself at my boyfriend.

I am so sorry.

Yeah.

You threw up over his shoes, too.

Jesus... Ally.

I asked you if you liked him, and you swore you didn't.

I don't like him.

Then why'd you say you fancied him since first year?

I don't know. Like...

I've never drank before, all right?

- I didn't know what I was doing. - Never?

Geez, you had about four litres of cider.

I know.

And now everybody hates me and I want to die.

I don't hate you.

Sure, it was me that got Emma to delete that photo.

That was a lazy one.

What photo?

The one in the WhatsApp group.

What WhatsApp group?

The WhatsApp, the one from last year.

You're not in that?

No.

Shit.

Look, I don't hate you.

It's just I can't be friends with someone who's,

like, in love with my boyfriend.

I'm not in love with him.

Maybe, but, it's weird.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna boak.

Love that there.

- Jesus! - Oh, my God.

Look, how rank is that?

Disgusting.

Hey, Allegra, did you hear your new name's Pish Stain?

Does your ma tell you that's how to get boys?

Puke on them and piss your pants?

Disgusting.

Here, Ally.

Take a wee look at yourself.

No?

How many times? No phones.

Sir...

Right. Y'all know what you're supposed to be doing,

so, let's do it.

Nice one, Piss Stain.

Okay, we're going to talk about galleries.

Anybody... Hands up who's been to a gallery.

Will you slow down, Pam.

If I had half a dozen like you, I could take over the world.

Okay, thanks very much, everybody.

Thank you. See you now.

See you, Piss Stain.

Allegra, can you just hang on for a minute there?

So, erm, how's things?

Grand. What do you mean?

Look, Allegra, if you're having a hard time of it,

you should speak up.

What? I'm grand.

This school has a very strong stance against bullying.

I just can't sit back and watch.

I'm not being bullied. It's fine.

All, right. I never said you were.

Ally.

But if you were,

the school wouldn't stand for it, okay?

I have to go.

Baps and Buns.

Yeah. Pamela, it's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Hello.

Hello.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes, I'll be right over.

Okay, thank you.

Michael, I have to go.

Is everything all right, love?

It was the school. It's about Allegra.

Okay, no problem. On you go.

Thank you.

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God. My heart.

No, no, no, no, no. The work... There's no problem with the work.

My concerns lie elsewhere.

Why, what's wrong?

Well, Miss Casey,

I have reason to believe that Allegra's being bullied.

Who's bullying her?

Well, there's a few of them in the class.

Now we do have procedures in place, and we will take care of it.

But there's another reason I called you in.

I confiscated this today.

Now, I can't be certain that it's her, but,

I've heard talk amongst the pupils,

and it seems to go along with what they're saying.

No, it's her.

I'm really sorry, but you understand why I had to call you in?

Now we take this very seriously, okay?

This is gonna make life even harder for her at school now.

We were worse at her age.

Just not everyone had a phone in their pocket. Thank fuck.

She's being really badly bullied at school, Sinead.

This explains her nightmare behaviour in the house.

She watched me being bullied by my ma,

and then Kieran for years, and she just...

She's all over the place.

She doesn't know how to stand up for herself.

Oh, would you wind your neck in?

You know what it's like at that age.

You're a brilliant mum.

I just don't want her ending up feeling like my ma made me feel,

like a... Like an embarrassment.

Jesus, Pam. There was no pleasing your ma.

She was a nightmare.

And Kieran, he fucks off.

That was a life of Reilly and I never challenged him.

Cos he's a prick.

He fucked off to Belfast.

You were always too good for him.

I know. You're right.

This one I have to cough up.

I'm done being a mug.

That's my girl.

Everything all right, love?

Can I come in?

Is there anything you want to talk about?

Anything you want to tell me?

Listen.

I want us and the baby

to be a strong unit.

To be there for each other. To be able to tell each other things.

You can talk to me about anything, Allegra.

I'd never judge.

We all make mistakes.

There's nothing you can do about the past.

You just have to learn to get on with it.

I have never been anything other than proud of you, Allegra.

And nothing is ever gonna change that.

Being your mum is the biggest privilege in my life.

So I'm here for you any time.

You just say the word.

Right?

Mmm.

Do you want a wee marshmallow?

They're not vegan.

Oh, for God's sake!

I want a marshmallow.

- What are you doing here? - We need to talk.

- Go away. - No chance.

Listen, let's go somewhere else. My ma's in there.

I couldn't give a shite. Now you listen,

I don't care if you don't want to know this child,

but he is yours and he'll know it,

so the least that you can do is help out financially.

- It's not right what you're doing. - Oh, it's 'not right', is it?

How the fuck did you work that out?

I didn't want any of this.

Then you shouldn't have pestered me for unprotected sex!

Barry? What's going on, love?

- Who is it? - No one, Ma...

Listen. Please be quiet.

Oh. Just be quiet about this, is it?

- I want a paternity test. - No bother.

Jesus Christ, I can't have anyone knowing I got an old woman pregnant.

I have a girlfriend.

I couldn't give a fuck!

I will take you to the courts if I have to

and you will pay your dues and our son will know who his father is.

You'll get your paternity test!

Kieran... No,

it can't wait... no.

No, after 16 years,

how about you listen to me for a change...

Kieran.

Breakfast is served.

Nice.

- Thanks. - You're welcome, love.

Darlin', you know the way we...

said that we should be able to...

...tell each other things?

Uh...

I need to talk to you about...

about the baby's father.

He's from the town.

And his name is Barry Lafferty.

Right...

And... he's a wee bit younger than me.

- He's 24. - What?

I think it's important that you know.

He's 24?

He might be 25 now, I think.

That's not funny.

Just because your life's a walking joke, don't try to make mine one too!

It's not that bad.

- Does he know? - Yes. I've told him.

I just think it would be good for everyone.

How is this good for me?

You don't understand. You don't know what this place is like.

Everyone will find out.

If this gets out, I swear...

I'll run away.

I am just trying to do the right thing.

What's right?

You have no idea.

You're so selfish.

The baby needs to know who his daddy is.

What does it matter who his da is?

It doesn't stand a chance when you're its ma!

Allegra.

"Being your mammy is a great privilege."

Granny was right.

You're an embarrassment.

Oh, shit...

Ha.

You have one new message.

Ms. Casey. This is Marie from the school.

Allegra didn't come in today, and we haven't heard from you.

Please give us a call back when you can. Thank you. Bye.

It's Ally. Leave a message.

Allegra.

Can you please call me and tell me where you are?

The school is after ringing and I know you're not there.

You need to ring me right away and let me know exactly where you are.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Pamela, baby, just arrived at the hotel

for a bit of hanky panky,

then we're going out to wreck the place!

- Sinead, my water's broke. - Oh, Jesus.

I need you to find Allegra.

Okay, okay. Hang in there.

- Yes, I'll find her. - Okay.

All right, but hang in there. Breathe.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, hang on. Oh, dear.

Pam! What can I do ye for?

It's Ally. Leave a message.

Open the door! Are you there?

Oh, Jesus. Darling.

Come here.

Thank you.

Oh. Take me phone. Take me phone.

I need me coat and me bag.

- This it? - Yes.

- Thank you. - Get your wee arm in.

Oh, there we are.

- Where the hell are you? - What?

Allegra, your ma's gone into labour.

What?

She's not due for ages. Are you with her?

No! I'm in London, with Danny.

What?

Allegra, you need to get to the hospital. Your ma needs you.

I need to go.

Breathe, breathe.

Pamela, how you doing?

Okay.

- Thank you. - Here you go.

That's us now.

Are you the birthing partner?

Uh, no. Pam. I don't...

No, it's okay, Michael.

I'll be all right. Thank you.

- Are you okay? - Okay.

- Nearly there. - Thank you.

Okay there, Pamela...

Here we go.

Would you like something for the pain?

- Yes. - Okay. Deep breaths.

You're doing great, just breathe through it.

Mummy?

Oh, darling.

I was so worried.

Would you like to identify your daughter as your new birthing partner?

Yeah.

Mummy, I am so sorry.

No, it's okay.

I'm just glad you're here.

- Will you rub my back? - Yeah.

Here. Let me show you how...

- Oh, thank you. - Put your wee hand there.

Yeah, and nice and slow.

And actually, try it on the other side.

There we go.

That's it. Now you're doing great, Pamela.

- You're doing amazing, Mummy. - OK. Thank you.

Oh, love. You look like you could do with a bit of that.

Here, take it before the doctor comes back. Go on.

But you know, I'd say that that boy's on it himself.

I don't want any.

I'd rather you did that in front of me now

than down some back lane.

Mummy, nobody takes gas-and-air in the back lane.

You're okay, you're okay, now let's see how you're getting on.

I need the epidural!

Ah, look, it's too late for that. I can see his wee head.

Time to start pushing.

His wee head?

Oh!

Oh!

Mum, push.

- You were amazing. - So were you.

I couldn't have done it without you.

- How are you feeling? - I'm sore.

But I'm just so glad he's okay.

He's more than okay.

He's perfection.

Our wee Alfie?

Like Alfie and Allegra Rose, from the books?

- Yes. - I love it.

Hello, Alfie.

It's your big sister.

Ally.

Ally.

Hey.

Hi.

Listen, I'm sorry...

I was... so...

It was both of us. It's sound.

So, did you actually deliver the baby?

Deliver? No.

But I witnessed it.

I was my mummy's birthing partner.

Really?

What was that like?

It was...

Amazing.

Nothing will ever come close.

Oh, dear... That's pure mad.

Is it all like, messy and stuff?

Aye. There's all this blood and after-birth no one tells you about.

Did you get to cut the umbilical cord?

Aye. That was weird.

It's all rubbery and hard to cut.

Not like you'd imagine.

I'd say it would put you off having weans for life.

Definitely. It was great to witness, but I don't want to do it myself.

Did you think the stork brought them, Pish Stain?

Suppose you thought auld Pamela was a virgin, too?

That's my ma you're talking about.

And my ma's class!

What's your problem anyway?

You're always on at me.

I'm starting to think you fancy me!

Don't unleash that beast onto the gay community,

thanks all the same.

- What's his name? - Alfie.

Oh, that's so cute.

- I can't wait to meet him. - He's so tiny.

Even his wee cries are dead cute.

Forty-five!

- Jesus, Pam, we used to be weans. - Oh, I know.

Well, no matter how old you feel, always remember...

you're two months older than me, and always will be.

Okay, everybody.

A toast to the birthday girl.

- Oh. - To Pamela.

- To Pamela. - Aw.

And thank you for my driving lessons.

I'll be running you all down in the bread van before ye know it.

- Pam, I have something to tell you. - What?

I'm going to have a wee friend for him soon.

- You're pregnant? - No!

No! Our Chrissy...

You gave me a heart attack.

I'm going to be a granny.

Oh. Congratulations!

Congratulations!

To Granny Sinead.

Here, enough of that.

You're gonna have a new friend.

- Are you delighted? - I'm just over the moon.

He doesn't love anybody but his sister.

That's true.

[V.6.]