Original subtitles

NAOMI: You guys are beautiful.

(GUITAR PLAYING)

♪ There was a time before there was no hate in men

♪ Everybody standing tall, everybody holding hands

♪ Someone got jealous and they let go

♪ Lost the wings and fell down into the echo

♪ It was when the angel fell

♪ When the angel fell ♪ Oh

♪ It was when the angel fell ♪ Oh

BOTH: ♪ Oh, when the angel fell

♪ All those who follow, they were so angry

♪ Pain and war came from the powers of jealousy

♪ And then like a train into the night

♪ There was now a world with the absence of light

♪ It was when the angel fell ♪ Oh

BOTH: ♪ Oh, when the angel fell

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, when the angel fell (CELL PHONE BUZZES)

♪ The orchestra of color now had a shadow

♪ Rain and hurricane Oh, how the winds they blow

♪ Thanks to the ego now people cry

♪ Don't you fall in love with a demon

♪ Though they live they've already died

♪ It was when the angel fell ♪ Oh

BOTH: ♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ It was when the angel fell

♪ Oh, when the angel fell ♪ Oh

♪ Thanks to the angel who let go

♪ Lost their wings and fell down into the echo

♪ They'll tell you that it's the only way to be

♪ But they live their lives with invisible chains

♪ No, they don't live free

♪ Yeah, they live their lives with invisible chains

♪ They don't live free

♪ Like you and me

♪ The angel who let go and fell into the echo

♪ Echo, echo ♪

WOMAN: Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah! (ALL APPLAUDING)

LEIA: Thanks, you guys.

Gosh! Yeah, we should walk over a bridge or something.

Oh, my God. Such an awesome idea.

You guys are so money.

Oh, wow, thank you.

You know, what I loved was when it was like the orchestra...

Hey... BOTH: Oh, my God!

Hey! Oh!

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Was it too long?

Are you kidding me? No, we could've watched you guys all night.

It was unbelievable. Really magical.

(GASPS) Oh, my gosh, you guys.

Cool. Cool. Thank you so much for coming.

We're so happy you're here.

We could tell you spent a lot of time on it. It was great.

Thank you. We did.

Harper, I love that I can invite you somewhere,

and then Allie's gonna come, too.

Yeah. You guys are more twin-like than us.

Oh, that's cute. And not true.

We would be enemies if we didn't have to be best friends.

ALLIE: Aw. Yeah.

I love this girl, but I would kill her. Ah!

So, Harper, what have you been working on?

Oh, my gosh. A lot of stuff going on right now.

It's kinda crazy, yeah.

But you have to keep us posted

on when you're gonna have your work shown

'cause I'm dying to see it. Yeah. Yeah.

Just go for it, girl.

Just go for it. Thanks.

And if guys want any feedback on what you're working on,

you know, you could always... Oh, yeah.

That would be awesome.

Thank you so much for coming. Yeah.

I'm so happy to see you. I love it!

(LAUGHING) Have fun!

Cut me loose from these invisible chains! Oh!

Oh, my God!

Yay!

Oh, my God! Yay!

Oh, wow. My heart is beating so fast.

Oh, wow.

Hey, let's say hi to these guys first.

They could be not terrible.

I kinda just wanna go to bed.

Then go to bed.

RUSS: So, it's like one, two, four, five, six.

It's almost September, can you believe it?

Yeah, I know. We fucked up summer.

Oh, we fucked up summer. We fucked it up, too.

We haven't been to the beach at all.

We're heading out to Fort Tilden tomorrow.

Oh, that's so great! Fort Tilden is so awesome in that post-apocalyptic way.

It's cool. You can just, like, drink there without anyone bothering you.

We're coming with you.

Uh, yeah. I mean, yeah. If you can make it. SAM: Yeah, it's cool.

RUSS: Come check it out.

I wish. I have to meet with my placement office tomorrow.

Actually, I'm kinda dreading it. Ugh!

RUSS: Your what?

Oh, I'm going to the Peace Corps.

She's leaving Williamsburg to go to the worst place in the world.

It's not the worst place in the world. It's just Liberia.

Oh, no. Liberia is the worst place in the world.

Definitely a hundred percent, yeah.

No, they sell human flesh on the streets there.

It's like a goddamn horror show.

I don't think that's true.

SAM: No, it's so true.

I mean, like, I have seen videos, you know...

But that's not the point... The point is, you should

definitely come to the beach with us tomorrow

'cause, you know, you want one day of happiness

before you spend the rest of your life

just shitting up, like, malaria blood.

Well, at least it's not waiting tables, right? (LAUGHS)

RUSS: You wait tables?

No, I don't, but I did, and never again.

Um, but anyways, I'm so excited to be getting out of New York.

I'm so done and I'm so ready.

I hear that. I mean, come on, this isn't the only place there is.

I cannot wait to get outta here.

Oh, my God. You and me, we're getting too big for this city.

RUSS: Right. Leave the bagels and the rats for these two suckers.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm definitely going to the beach tomorrow. Plug in your number.

All right. I guess that we might as well be in touch too,

like, just in case.

RUSS: Yeah, definitely, definitely.

I mean, I could totally come.

I'll just reschedule. That wouldn't be so bad.

Yeah, reschedule. Take the day off. Why not?

You know what would make it even better?

If I brought some Molly.

Oh... Wait. You can get Molly?

Yeah, I am an artist.

I'd actually... I'd really be into that.

SAM: Yeah, sure. Definitely.

I feel like you guys have never done Molly before.

Have you never done Molly before?

Uh, no. Never.

I just... I like, I never find anyone to do it with me.

Well, I've never met anyone who's done it, who hasn't loved it.

It's very sensual.

So you should be prepared for that.

WOMAN: Hey! Excuse me!

No. I can hear that shit from the 2nd floor! Okay?

TWINS: Oh... WOMAN: Yeah.

There's way too much noise going on right now.

Oh... Like, way too much noise.

Yeah. NAOMI: Okay, I'm so sorry.

Other people have lives, you know. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, like, I have a huge day tomorrow.

I have to get LASIK in the morning

and then I have an audition

to be the crowd warmer for The View. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

So... Thank you so much for letting us know.

Yeah. You're welcome. Yeah.

This is not the night. Thank you for telling us.

Okay? All right.

This is not the night!

Okay. Thank you!

I'm so sorry. Thank you!

I love... I love your night gown. Okay, thanks.

LEIA: Oh! NAOMI: Oh, my God. Thank you.

Okay, I'm so sorry, you guys. Um...

Let's head back downstairs to the apartment... So sorry.

...and maybe Naomi and I will do some...

BOTH: Freestyling!

NAOMI: Oh, my God. Isn't it fun? LEIA: Yeah.

Do you guys live around here?

You wanna share a cab?

I mean, we're on the Upper West Side. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Okay. Oh.

Um, well, we'll see you tomorrow, then.

Cool? Cool.

Yeah. Definitely cool. Definitely, it's cool.

Yeah. See you tomorrow. Okay.

See ya later. Get home safely.

Three hundred years ago, there were identical twins who forced their friends

to an evening of terrible music that was instantly forgotten.

They drowned in their own reflections

and are not remembered today.

Hey, how are we getting Molly?

Benji will have it.

Ugh! Great.

This is so good, 'cause I need to fuck someone other than Benji.

I like how Russ is so easy to entertain.

He's, like, totally sweet and down to laugh.

That's 'cause he's not trying to impress anyone.

I'm just, like, a little bit afraid of my placement officer.

She's a little bit too real.

Then don't come. No, I wanna come.

No, it's fine. You're counting on the Peace Corps

to make all your memories for you,

so why should you be alive right now?

We deserve a day off.

(ALARM CHIMING)

(CHIMING STOPS)

(EXHALES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES)

(RINGING TONE)

CABIRIA ON PHONE: Who is this?

Oh, um...

Hi, Cabiria, this is Allie Donahue.

I'm the girl going to Liberia.

We're supposed to have a meeting today.

Yeah. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

I... I was just gonna leave you a message,

but I'm glad that you're up.

Uh, I'm feeling terrible.

You're not calling in sick, are you?

Uh, unfortunately, I am.

I know it's terribly inconvenient...

There's no time to reschedule.

I'm here for 36 hours and we have a lot to go over.

Okay, um...

Okay, well. I just... I don't... I really don't wanna get you sick.

I don't get sick.

Can you be by a computer? We need to keep moving forward.

Sure, absolutely.

Yeah, I'll... I'll be home. Sick, so...

Get your documents together and call me back.

Okay. Um, can you tell me which documents?

All of them.

Of course. Yeah. All of them. Um, okay.

Uh, thank you so much again, Cabiria.

I really, really appreciate all of your...

(HANGS UP)

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Documents.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

What are you doing? We're going to the beach!

What time is it? It's beach time!

It's not even day yet.

That's the sun.

Oh, come on, Harper. I took the day off, we said we'd get up early!

Yeah, like 10!

(SIGHS)

Okay, I'll look up the ferry, but you need to get up.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Really?

(GRUNTS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Harper, there's no ferries

and there's nobody passing out fliers

for the Rockaways on the weekdays.

It's kind of a lot to figure out.

HARPER: Let's bike.

Oh. That actually sounds really nice.

We could see birds of Brooklyn

that we've never seen before.

That's a really good idea. Let's do it.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Harper, Lucy's here to see the apartment.

Oh, shit!

Hey. Sorry.

So, yeah. It's a really big closet.

Yeah, it's amazing.

The last apartment I was in, I just, like, basically put everything in a box.

Oh, God. That's the worst. So, like, everything is wrinkled.

I just wore the same thing every day. And you don't know, like,

where anything is... Where anything is!

Oh, my God. It's like I'm always shopping

'cause it's like I can't even find anything. Right.

So I just assume I've lost it. No.

This is so cute.

I like, you know, cooking. So...

Me too. I cook all the time.

You do? Oh, that's awesome.

Oh, we could totally cook together. That's so fun.

Yeah. Collaboration. Yeah.

I love your design. It's just like... Oh, thank you.

So smart and simple. Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Like, I try to do, like, chic and you know...

Shabby-chic sorta thing, I guess. Absolutely.

You do it really well. It's like nothing I've seen before.

HARPER: Right, I don't own, like, magazines.

Wow!

God! You made this?

Yeah. It's really... It's nothing. It's just...

No, it's beautiful. No.

HARPER: Honestly, it's not even right, so...

I love the colors. Do you wanna see your room?

Oh, uh, do you mind?

Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah. Sorry, it might be kinda messy.

LUCY: That's cool.

Right this way.

Let's go.

This is so cute.

So, her room's a little smaller than mine, but...

LUCY: Oh, that's fine, I'm sure.

Oh, look at this nice carpet.

No shoes. (GASPS) HARPER: Yeah.

LUCY: Oh, my gosh! It's like a tree house!

I'm a bird in her nest.

(BRUSH WHIRRING)

(SPITS)

HARPER: Allie? Yeah?

HARPER: Are we gonna wear our bathing suits there?

ALLIE: I am. I don't think you can change there.

Um, that girl seems really hard to live with.

Oh, when did you get coffees?

It's, like, I didn't believe her

personality choice.

Mmm. It's really watery.

I got bagels, too.

You know what? I don't think we should eat.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah.

I guess it would be good if we could roll up with our morning tummies.

You know what the best part of this day is?

It's gonna be so cheap

and I'm so broke right now.

My dad's gonna be really proud of me.

Oh, my God, don't even talk about that. That's so stressful.

We're not eating all day, we're riding our bikes everywhere.

There's nothing to buy, beaches are free.

Are beaches free? They have to be.

Also, I don't have a bike.

(WHIRRING)

Wait, I thought that bike under the stairs was yours.

Oh! No.

That's not mine. I don't have one.

(SIGHS)

Do you know anyone who has a bike?

Well, probably. (CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

(DOORBELL RINGS) (DOG BARKING)

EBB: Who is it?

Hey, Ebb. It's Allie from downstairs.

EBB: Allie.

(DOOR OPENING)

Hey, Ebb. Allie, hey.

(DOG BARKING) What are you up to?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (SHUSHING)

Carmen! Shh!

Carmen, no!

(DOG SNARLS)

Man! It smells so good in there. What are you cooking?

Nothing.

Um, so... So... What's good? What are you up to?

Well, uh...

Brownie has an infection

so now Carmen's jealous of all the extra attention.

And then just a lot of family drama.

My nana's medical bills are getting pretty out of control.

And my sister says she's just sick of it.

She's done everything she can do with it.

So then, we've...we've been fighting a lot over that.

I just wanna keep it outta court.

It's so hot outside.

Right. Stroke weather. You know? Yeah.

If your brain's gonna pop, it's today. Yes. Crazy.

So, Harper and I,

um, are going to Fort Tilden today.

Uh-oh. (LAUGHS) Okay. (GIGGLES)

Where is that? What is that?

Oh, it's a beach.

All right. Yeah.

Cool. That sounds great!

Yeah, I mean, so what else are you gonna do

on a super-hot day like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sounds really great.

Well, I could probably leave Brownie alone for a couple of hours.

Before he needs a swab. Oh. Oh, no.

Sorry. No, I...

I was actually just wondering if I could borrow your bike.

I didn't... I didn't wanna, you know, make you change your whole day around

and, you know, obviously you've got a lot going on. Sure. Yeah, sure.

Cool.

So, I'm just gonna come in and get it. Is that... Is that okay?

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Um, cool. Just...

(DOG BARKING)

(DOG YELPS) ALLIE: Oh, God. Brownie.

(ALLIE LAUGHS) Watch out for them.

Carmen? No, it's all right.

They're very cute.

They're probably afraid of you. (WHIMPERING)

They're scared of young girls and bags.

ALLIE: Oh.

And they're both rescues from Yonkers.

Pretty sure some young girls put 'em in a bag

and threw 'em out a car window.

ALLIE: Oh, no.

You know, I have been thinking about...

I thought about you the other day. ALLIE: Oh, yeah?

And then again, yesterday.

ALLIE: Oh. 'Cause, um...

You know, my nana needs

both kidneys replaced in Baltimore.

And you get this prescription regimen when you have pills,

but then the one pill just fixes what the other pill does.

Oh, yeah. Thank you so much, Ebb.

So then you end up with... I'll see you...

I'll see you in, like, a couple of hours.

Yeah. Hey, my tire... The tires might need some air.

Okay. Let's get... Not a problem.

(GRUNTING)

Thanks, Ebb! Can I have my blender back?

I brought it back, didn't I?

No, and it's been weighing on me.

(DOOR OPENS)

ALLIE: Ugh! What?

Nothing. Everything's just a little \"ugh\" right now.

Are you ready? Where did that bike come from?

It's Ebb's.

Oh, my God. No. No.

I'm sorry. No.

There is no way in hell I'm gonna put my vagina against that bike seat.

Jesus Christ! (SIGHS) Okay.

It's fine. I'll ride it. You take my bike.

Could you imagine having sex with him?

And him coming inside you with all that terrible DNA?

His cum probably smells like vinegar.

And has an orange tint like a fucking Cadbury fucking Egg.

I told you I would ride it.

God, fucking him would be like

being trapped under a cold sack of mashed potatoes.

You'd have to wash your vagina for months with bleach.

Oh, my God. My vagina's going on that seat.

Please stop talking about it!

No. Oh, my God, no, you'd have to kill yourself.

Fuck! That's disgusting! I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick!

(RINGING TONE)

DAD ON PHONE: Hey, Beauty. Hi, Daddy. What time is it there?

It's late. Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right. Your dad was in a Bollywood film today.

No, you were not. (CHUCKLES) I'm an actor now.

I guess you could say I got my saag-paneer card.

(LAUGHING) Dad?

Yeah, well, it was funny when Ramesh said it. What are you up to?

Going to the beach. Gonna have some cheap fun.

Oh, that sounds really nice.

Yeah, I'm really, really trying to keep my expenses low.

Smart, Harper.

(WHINING)

It's just such a difficult field

and there's so much competition,

and it really shouldn't be that way.

And it's a real struggle to make a living.

Anything worth doing is work.

But we're Culpeppers and we do the work.

Ugh! Yeah...

So, two things to remember.

You're either gonna have a Schrader valve or a Presta valve.

On performance road bikes you're probably gonna have a Presta valve.

But in this case, we have a Schrader valve.

And even with insurance,

there's still an $800 co-pay on my lab results.

It's criminal!

Yeah, that's terrible. Listen, hon, I have to run. You need some cash?

Oh.

Maybe. That'd be helpful.

I'll have Linda wire you some summer money.

Oh, thank you. You don't have to. When?

And you see the lever. You just pull it like that.

And it's attached.

Oh. That simple. Now what you're gonna do...

...you just pump. That easy.

And when you're done, you undo the lever. Pull it off.

Put the cap back on.

And that's how you pump a bike.

ALLIE: Ugh! I can't find any sunblock!

People don't cash checks the same day they get them, right?

That's not a thing. I don't know, but we really need sunblock.

Do you think we should go buy some?

I kinda wanna burn a little.

Ugh!

ALLIE: Oh, my God. What are you doing now?

We might bring them back here tonight

and I want the place to be sex ready.

(SPRAYING)

(SIGHS)

Okay, ready? Ready.

ALLIE: I bet Russ is really fun to travel with.

I bet he knows all, like, the travel secrets

and looks stuff up on Atlas Obscura and stuff.

HARPER: No, I bet he doesn't even need maps. I bet he just knows.

We're going!

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Oh, Jesus!

Here. Say \"Fort Tilden!\" No, no, no, no.

No, no. Harper, don't Instagram me.

This woman Cabiria just friended me and I'm supposed to be sick.

I just wanna show my dad.

Okay.

(CLICKING)

Cute.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, my God. This woman is such a nightmare.

I'm sick. You're not sick.

I... You know I'm not sick,

but I told her that I'm sick.

Fucking travel insurance. No thank you. What a money hole!

Yeah, it's like what can travel insurance do when you're in hell?

Yeah. Ugh! Maybe I should make something up to...

Oh, my God. What's wrong?

That barrel. What?

We need it. You know we need it.

Oh, yeah, I'm tempted, but I'm leaving.

We could put plants in it. I can't really be...

Yeah. Yeah. Or umbrellas.

It would make the perfect umbrella barrel.

ALLIE: Well, the wear is really nice.

But I don't... I really don't have the money for that right now.

It's on me, it's perfect. Okay.

Excuse me, sir?

How much is the barrel?

This barrel? Yeah.

Can you tell me a little history behind the barrel?

Pretty old.

These go for, like, 500 at ABC.

(WHISPERING)

HARPER: I think I can get it for, like, 200.

We'll take the barrel for $200.

Yeah, okay. Great.

Oh, gosh.

I love New York and its little treasures everywhere.

There you are.

Thank you.

We need to buy more umbrellas.

(SIGHS)

You know what I'm kinda worried about?

Bedbugs? Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe we can just leave it here.

Yeah, I mean, we could get it examined.

Yeah, let's get it examined. Yeah.

(SEX ON THE REGULAR PLAYING)

Hey, Reggie! Hey, Reggie Watts!

Hey! HARPER: We love you.

ALLIE: You're the best.

Oh, my God. That was Reggie Watts!

I see him everywhere.

Wait, what are we supposed to do here?

I don't know. Should we go with the traffic or should we, like...

Are we supposed to... Is this street for us or the pedestrians?

Maybe we should go. I don't know. Should I go?

I don't know... This is like a regular residential street,

but this is like a highway.

Why are we, like, trapped in here?

Okay, yeah, go now.

Go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go now?

Go. Well, the people are turning over there.

(HORNS HONKING) Go! Sorry!

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Fuck! Shit!

HARPER: This is the best street in all of Brooklyn.

ALLIE: Oh, my God. This is gorgeous. Oh, Brooklyn.

HARPER: This is so good. Fresh air, fresh ideas.

I hate to admit it, but I'm kinda crushing on Russ right now.

Uh-huh. Like, I felt something last night.

And it's, like, it makes me nervous because I'm about to leave

and why does life always do this to me, you know?

Well, that's your fault.

I know, I know, I know! I just feel more giddy than I have since middle school.

So don't go to Africa.

Maybe I should... MAN 1: Watch out!

Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God.

MAN 1: Oh, Jesus. Are you okay? ALLIE: I'm so sorry.

WOMAN: Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Are you okay? MAN 1: Oh, my God.

(BABY CRYING) Oh, baby...

(SHUSHING) It's okay. ALLIE: Oh, my God. Is he okay?

I saw that coming. That was terrible.

Thank you, thank you so much! Thank you! MAN 2: That was terrible.

I'm so sorry! Oh, my God! Is he okay?

I don't know if he's okay, okay?

He's fine, okay? The baby's fine.

MAN 2: You don't know if it's fine, Miss Hat, okay?

So let's watch it with the conclusions.

Is there somebody that I can call? The pediatrician...

ALLIE: I don't know anything about babies.

Yes, his pediatrician, Dr. Mark Niles. Okay.

I'm so sorry. I can't believe...

You know, you're not allowed to bike the wrong way down a street.

That's the reason that law exists.

I had no idea. I'm not used to riding in this area. I shouldn't have been.

Were you looking in front of you or were you just in your own dream world?

I... I might've been in my own dream world, I don't know.

You know, we should be exchanging personal information.

I don't know why that's not happening.

Get their information, please.

What is your problem, dude? You need to chill out.

I am chill, all right?

I'm relaxed. I'm about to go to sleep.

I'm not riding my bike all over the road like the Incredible Hulk.

Oh, my God, there's a bump. And I don't know

if it was here before. HARPER: The baby's always had that bump!

This is a nightmare. Can I help?

Okay, I got the police on the phone.

They'll be here in just a second.

No, that's really not necessary, okay?

She barely grazed the thing. Are you kidding me?

You just hit a child.

Okay? Just be quiet, please. Thank you.

You need to... This is crazy, okay?

I'm being crazy? We're leaving, Allie. We're leaving.

Did you get... Did you get their information?

Did you get their information?

Oh, my God. You're fleeing the scene? You're leaving?

Can you take a video? Take a video of them.

MAN 2: Yeah, let's videotape it.

WOMAN: Videotape it. ALLIE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

They're leaving a crime scene.

That's a felony. They're getting away.

They're both wearing rompers, one is floral,

and the other one has a suspiciously hip hat. Wow. Wow.

The criminal mind always sets its own trap.

The millennials are fucked.

(IVY LEAGUE CIRCUS PLAYING)

HARPER: I can't wait to do a cartwheel in the sand.

Oh, my God.

That was so intense. I'm still shaking.

You know, I'm not going to be there for you when you're in Liberia.

(IVY LEAGUE CIRCUS CONTINUES PLAYING)

Wait, where are you going? It's this way.

We have to stop by the park and see Benji.

(SIGHS) Maybe we can just skip the Molly.

I don't think I can handle that right now.

Then don't do it.

(GROANS)

Is his harem of bitches gonna be there?

HARPER: Probably. They spend every moment of their lives trying to fuck him.

Benji, I feel like you've been on that page

for like four... like four hours.

Are we distracting you, Benj?

I'm dissecting the sentences.

I'm sort of figuring out the way it works.

No, I get it. It's full of broth, I get it.

Do you want bug spray?

No. No, no, no. That... That literally smells like a cunt.

(LAUGHS)

That's so funny. I was thinking about how I used to eat out women.

And how at the time, it seemed like such a good idea, but...

How's this, Benji?

...in retrospect, it's like why did I ever actually do that?

Absolutely.

'Sup?

HARPER: Hello.

Oh, my God! Hi, cutie! Hey.

Hi, little baby boy!

ASHLEY: How are you, Harpy?

I'm good. How are you? I love your red socks.

Are those to make your legs look longer?

ASHLEY: Yeah, they're just slimming. Like your romper.

Oh, right. Your romper's slimming.

It's funny that you're here. I had a dream that you died.

Oh, my God. I didn't. How's your family?

Are they still bankrupt? Or is that...

Yeah.

HARPER: Sad.

(SLURPING)

HARPER: May we? What?

Don't... You're gonna go over, talk to her privately?

Hey, how are you? I'm Ashley.

Hi, we've met.

I'm Grant.

Actually, we've all met.

When?

So, what have you girls got going on today?

Going to the beach. Oh, nice!

You sure you can afford to take a day off from... from nothing?

Fuck you. Doing nothing.

So, what's your story? Like, what are you into?

I, um...

You know, I... We... I took the day off.

I, uh... But like what's your deal?

Um, I'm going to the Peace Corps really soon.

ASHLEY: Whoa. Where? ALLIE: Yeah.

I'm going to Liberia. Mmm! No.

ALLIE: No? No. Mmm-mmm.

ALLIE: Like, I should... Just do not.

Don't go? Do not go.

Like, maybe somewhere else.

Yeah, my sister went to Portugal.

Go to Portugal. Portugal!

Go to Portugal. GRANT: It's stunning.

That sounds really awesome,

but I actually, I don't get to choose where I go.

They assign me, so...

So then, Port...

Liberia. I'll have to go to Liberia. Yeah.

So, are you...you finally excited to get rid of that dead weight?

She's not going anywhere.

She'll drop out the day before, as usual.

Yeah, that's true. You girls are pretty expert at exit strategies.

Fuck you. No, I'm not. She's the one that's like that.

What is this with this hat?

Do you like it?

Not really. Are you a hat person now?

You're becoming a hat person on me?

Does that mean, a person that wears hats?

Yeah. Are you that person now?

Today.

Okay.

Like, it's just so funny to think about, like,

like, did you go because of the warfare?

Did you go because of, like, the poverty?

Or are you going because of something that happened to you,

like, in the back of your mind?

You know, it's just... GRANT: Are you going to help people

or to look like you're helping people, if that makes any sense.

Sure. Yeah, that's a... that's a fair question.

I intend to help people.

That's my... You know, I want to help, I want to...

GRANT: And then conveniently upload it to Facebook.

Well, you know, that's...that's some people. That won't be me, though.

You know, I don't... Did you fuck Benji?

No.

So, why haven't I gotten a dick pic lately?

Oh! Interesting!

I was under the impression that you wanted off that mailing list.

Well, how else am I gonna go to sleep at night?

I don't know. Can't your dad phone fuck you to sleep?

Disgusting.

Build a little treehouse so your mom can't see you licking his asshole?

No. I never had a treehouse.

I know. Because your dad doesn't love you.

Do you have, like, a different type or something?

I'm sorry. Is he your boyfriend? No, he's not.

ASHLEY: Well, okay. You don't have to say it like that.

Like it's not so black and white.

You're not dating Ben... You're not dating Benji.

ASHLEY: That's your perspective.

HARPER: I want four pills.

No, you should really only take one of these.

Yeah. There are four people, so it's one per person.

You two and who else? You don't know 'em.

Are you really trying to get me to give you Molly

so you can con some fucking assholes into sleeping with you?

No, all I'm asking for is four pills.

Okay, fine. I will give these to you,

but you have to come somewhere with me on the 31st.

Where? I don't know yet.

Ben, Harper.

BENJI: What? It's getting buggy.

Yeah, Harper. It's really time to go.

HARPER: All right, let's go.

Bye, you guys. Bye, Harper.

Be safe in Liberia. ALLIE: Thank you!

Post!

ASHLEY: Post. Post on Facebook so we know.

ALLIE: Bye, Ashley. Portugal.

Portugal.

She thinks you're, like, gonna fuck her again. ALLIE: Thanks.

It's Liberia. I knew that would happen.

BOTH: ♪ Blue sky

♪ Green grass

♪ Hard day

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

♪ Blue sky

♪ Green grass

♪ Hard day ♪

(HORNS HONKING)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

(GROANING) It's too hot for this.

You just need caffeine.

(WHINING) God, I feel bad.

ALLIE: Ahh! I'm scared.

This place. Yeah. Coffee.

Coffee, coffee.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, my God. I need coffee! I need it so badly!

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Shit. What?

I forgot the key.

That's okay. Just wrap it around a few times

to make it look like it's locked.

But it's kind of ghetto.

Get used to it, Africa. I'm not, like, afraid.

I'm just saying.

I think I'm having an idea.

I think I'm having a really, really good idea.

Imagine, like, an entire exhibition of, like, a doll house ghetto.

I like it!

Hi.

Hello. Can we have some iced coffees, please?

Two coffee?

Yes, but iced.

Two coffees.

Sorry. Iced, iced coffees.

With ice?

Yeah. Iced coffee.

Coffee with ice?

Yeah.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Ice.

(SIGHS)

HARPER: Thank you. It's perfect. Thank you.

There you go. Thank you so much.

That's for you.

(WHINING)

I'm gonna die.

Maybe we should just start rolling to help us get through this.

No. No, no. Let's just go.

Ugh! I shouldn't have seen Benji.

I can't get his dick out of my head now.

Ugh! Stop it!

No, Allie. It's the perfect dick.

Well, you know how I feel about him, so.

And his pheromones! His pheromones are like a buck deer.

Like the buck deer that fights Bambi's dad.

I really like the way Russ smells.

It's like his smell is somehow compatible with my smell.

Ugh! It's like a locker room!

(LAUGHING) Ew.

Oh, my God! ALLIE: What?

That top. ALLIE: No!

Oh!

ALLIE: Harper! No!

It's just a bunch of cheap crap.

Don't you wanna get to the beach?

We'll just have to look past everything.

I'm so inspired right now. I can't ignore that.

We've already wasted so much time.

I just wanna go to the beach.

So go.

(SIGHS)

This is insane. This is insane!

This is crazy!

Oh, my God! Where are we?

This dress is $4.

And it's cute! It's $4!

That's like a thirtieth of a dress.

This has to be a trap!

Allie, isn't this top awesome?

It's like flowy, mother, goddess. (GASPS)

Oh, my God! I love it! And nature.

Harper?

Is this South-Western hipster or meth-head?

Both. But it's good.

(GASPS) Are these cute or tacky?

Like, I know they're tacky, but are they tacky-tacky or courageous tacky?

I think it depends on where you are and what you're doing.

Okay, block everything else out and like, picture me

in like, a hotel lobby and I'm sitting there and I'm texting

and I'm like looking around.

I'm pretty sure they're cute.

Hey, what do you think about this?

Are these coffee stains or is this, like, the look?

It's the look. Just get it.

It's already in your hands. Okay.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What? (GASPS) She's calling again!

What do I do? I can't answer.

Tell her you're shopping.

(SIGHS)

ALLIE: What's he doing?

Nothing. He's fine.

Is he stealing our bikes?

HARPER: No.

He's just looking. I think he's stealing our bikes!

They look locked. It's fine.

Wha... (SIGHS)

But something's happening. Like, why is he touching them?

HARPER: He's just touching.

Should we go out there?

I think we would know.

He's stealing your bike.

That boy's stealing your bike.

What do we do? You should stop him.

ALLIE: Oh, he's taking it!

That's so messed up.

I just watched you

watch that boy

steal your bike.

I can't believe this! Argh!

Fuck!

Should we get a cab?

I... I guess.

We should get a cab but with a bike rack,

but I'm... I'm so broke.

I know. I'm broke too, but...

You know, maybe I should call my dad.

What? Why?

We need to get there! I know that!

We need a cab! We need a cab with a bike rack.

Allie! That's not a thing!

Maybe... How... You don't know! How do you know?

Okay, we need to get a cab and we need to get rid of Ebb's bike.

What do you mean?

No cab is gonna take us with a bike

and that's the only way to get there.

Okay, so we'll... we'll pick up a lock

somewhere around here and lock it up.

Allie, look where we are! We have to leave it!

No! I'm deeply not okay with that.

We'll pick it up on the way back. Absolutely not!

That boy is gonna take it! This is not how I treat other people's bikes!

You need to think about yourself first

and other people's bikes second.

(SIGHS)

Dang it!

Come on!

Oh, he's gonna be so mad!

Yeah. It's like nature's hiding place.

This feels disrespectful.

Just put it... Yeah.

Ugh!

All right. That's good.

That's good!

It's perfect!

Let's go.

(WHIMPERING)

Come on!

HARPER: We'll come back for it.

ALLIE: Okay.

It's just karma. We've got messed up karma now.

Um, no.

Ebb probably did something terrible and disgusting

and this is karma's way of getting back at him.

Hmm, that's not how karma works.

Ugh! Oh, my God! What do you think he did?

ALLIE: Ugh!

Isn't this, like, where cab drivers live?

Oh, God! I need an iced coffee! Not here!

It's too hot for this!

What do we do? I don't know!

I'm looking up car services...

Daddy! (CARS HONKING)

Daddy!

Allie and I are stuck in deep Brooklyn,

and our bikes were stolen

and there are no cabs anywhere!

And it's kinda sketchy...

DAD: Don't worry me like this, sweetheart.

We don't know what to do. Can you believe our bikes were stolen?

DAD: Well, I'd have Linda send the car,

but she's tied up in Moscow right now.

Are you serious?

You know, you're 25 years old now.

I think you've gotta be on this one, angel.

Dad, that's not fair! This is an emergency!

I gotta go, but if you're still stranded in an hour,

I'll figure something out, okay?

Okay, thanks. Love you.

I love you so much.

This is so fucked up!

You know who actually lives here?

You know someone who lives here?

You're going to hate this.

Marin and Amanda.

No! No! Not those basic bitches.

I mean... Marin is a raging asshole, okay?

That girl can't stand me, and she thinks I'm threatened by it.

They're just both so fucking boring,

they're like chapters in a book it's okay to skip.

They're just fucking Minnie Mouse rats with makeup on.

They have a car.

Okay.

Yep. This way.

So, this one's rose. This one is pistachio.

This one's praline,

although I always get praline mixed up with espresso.

I ate all the orange blossoms.

Mmm, I'll have a rose.

I wonder what that tastes like.

It's actually not my favorite,

but they're all so good, you can't go wrong.

Harper, you seem like a passion fruit kind of girl.

Why?

Because you're spontaneous.

That's okay.

Well, they're here if you change your mind. Thank you. I won't.

Would you guys care for some tea?

Actually, we're dying for coffee.

Oh. I'm sorry, this is a coffee-free house.

But we have gingerbread man, apple cinnamon,

um, chamomile.

No, that's fine, thanks.

It's so nice of you guys to visit.

You almost missed us.

We have to go get butter before it gets dark.

Do you guys like living here?

Harper, could you leave things where they are, please?

Thank you.

We teach a couple of blocks away.

It's okay.

Oh, that's right! How's Teach For America going?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

It's hard. It's really hard.

You can't reach these kids.

They come from a system that's broken.

AMANDA: The odds are against them.

MARIN: It's an impossible environment for a teacher to work in.

One student touched my breast.

Wow. Yikes.

AMANDA: Ricky's the hardest. MARIN: He's disturbed.

It's not his fault.

Well, I think you guys just need to keep reminding yourself

that what you're doing is of great value.

How's your work?

Oh, I'm ready for it to be done. I, um...

I've lost all my faith in startups.

They're just as evil as hedge funds. Never again.

Harper, could you be careful in that chair?

I think that's the broken one.

Okay, I just won't move at all.

Just be careful.

Allie, I hear you're going to Liberia soon.

(GASPS) Oh, my god... (ALLIE CHUCKLING)

Yeah, I'm really excited.

Yeah, your mom seems really concerned.

You talk to her mom?

Of course.

Allie is my closest friend.

So I think it's important to keep in touch with the whole family.

Can I use the bathroom?

It's the door on the right.

And don't use too much toilet paper,

our plumbing gets backed up.

And no tampons!

(SIGHS)

I'm really happy that you're joining the Peace Corps.

Hmm. (SIGHS)

I was really disappointed when you quit TFA training.

Yeah, it just wasn't meant to be.

I know it can be intimidating,

but I'm really glad that you found something you can hold on to for now.

Thanks.

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

So, you guys...

Um, Harper and I have had kind of a tough day.

Oh, no.

It's okay now, but our bikes were stolen

and we were on our way to the beach.

And we were wondering

if we could maybe borrow the Honda?

Oh. I don't know.

Do you have insurance?

Of course. Yeah, we'll fill it up with gas,

we'll take really good care of it.

I'd feel more comfortable if I came with.

Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that.

I'm a super safe driver, you remember.

I wouldn't feel comfortable.

(MAN SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)

HARPER: Oh, my God.

Harper, Marin and Amanda are gonna drive us.

Drive us or come with us?

Yeah! They're gonna come with us!

Yay!

AMANDA: We're gonna have fun. ALLIE: Yeah!

I can't swim.

AMANDA: Why don't you just calm down? (CAR ALARM BLARING)

(MARIN SOBBING)

We'll go home, take a couple of Xanax,

have a nice lie down. Okay?

Okay.

Amanda, do you have a reliable cab company?

Yeah.

Can I get their phone number?

\"Three hundred years ago, there existed two girls named Marin and Amanda.

\"They effected no change in their lifetime

\"and ate soap in the ghetto.

\"They died at the age of 26 when they passed away while taking a nap.

\"Nobody remembers them today.\" (RINGING TONE)

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hi, we need a cab to the Rockaways.

MAN: Where you at?

Um, Flatbush and...

Some street that was renamed in honor of a few fallen fire fighters

whose name I can't really pronounce.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

MAN: Okay, five minutes.

Five minutes. Thank God.

Thank God they didn't come with us.

Could you imagine what would have happened if they came?

They would have cock-blocked us so hard

with their salt water, brittle, scarecrow hair.

It's actually kind of upsetting

that Marin has to go through that at her place of work.

Are they a couple? No.

I don't understand why do teachers get so fat

their first year of teaching?

Oh, my God, she's not fat,

you just can't get along with her.

I'm just saying she looks like a body pillow

that's been left in storage for a couple of years.

Oh, my God, why can't you just let her be?

Are you kidding me?

There are so many things I could have said that I didn't

because I'm a nice person.

Because you wanted the car. You're not a nice person.

Oh, okay.

What the fuck does LFTI mean?

Laughing For...

The... I don't know. Why?

Russ said it.

Oh.

That's cute.

(HARPER GROANING)

Where is this cab, Allie?

(GROANING)

This is taking forever!

Oh, God damn it!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Oh, God, I didn't realize this was gonna be such a thing.

God damn it!

This woman Cabiria just, like, won't stop texting me.

Complain about it and then don't go to Liberia.

What am I going to do? I guess when we get home, I'll just...

I fucking say we don't have any service in our house. God damn it!

Where the fuck are you? We have been waiting for a car for 30 minutes!

ALLIE: Fuck! MAN: Five minutes.

(SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION)

This is so horrible!

It's not my... (CAR HONKING)

Oh. (CAR HONKING)

MAN: Get in, get in, get in.

Come on. Where you going?

We're going to Fort Tilden in the Rockaways.

Okay, great. Let's go. How much?

Uh, 100. Get in. BOTH: What!

No. $100?

Seriously? Yeah.

Because, have you seen this ride?

It's an amazing ride. DVD players. Get in.

We didn't ask for, like, a luxury vehicle.

Okay, sounds good. Get in. 100.

It's like two and a half miles away. $60.

Yeah, no. 100. Come on.

Let's go, let's go! What?

It's a $100 ride!

80. 80. 80 plus 20. Get in.

Oh, my God. Fuck.

I don't have $100.

And look, there is cup holders. Fine, I'll pay for it.

We have cup holders.

Okay, we'll pay $100 for cup holders.

Just get in. We need to go.

Let's go, let's go.

HARPER: Just so you know, you're a fucking asshole... Okay, great.

...for taking advantage of us like this. Okay, good.

Do you take checks?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I feel sick. Ugh!

It's probably that rose paper macaroon.

I need coffee!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

There's no way we could have ridden our bikes across this bridge.

Okay. (MUSIC CONTINUES)

Remember when Benji was running that house out here,

like, three years ago?

Mmm-hmm.

That was like the best sex, I have ever had.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

I remember, he was really, like,

covered in salt. He had just been swimming.

Oh, God.

(SIGHS) Tennis court.

Parking lot.

Cars.

Fence.

Bush.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Doors.

Flowers.

Park.

Benches.

Trees. Harper!

Excuse me?

Do you have a problem or something? No, no.

I don't have a problem,

I just could use some quiet, some silence

until we get to the beach, and I'll be fine.

Okay?

That's good. Don't confront anything. That's healthy.

I don't have anything to confront.

My brain just needs, like, three quiet minutes.

(CLICKS TONGUE) I'll time it.

(SIGHS)

It really hurt my feelings the other night,

when you got all offended when the twins said that we were like twins.

Do you want to be twins? No! But...

When you talk all that shit about, like, Marin and Amanda,

it makes me feel like you're saying those things about me.

It makes me feel like, you're, like, embarrassed of me.

Well, I didn't intend to make you feel that way,

and it's not my fault that you took it there.

And that girl, that fucking girl,

the subletter, you know she sucks.

So, I don't understand why you, like, pretend like she's your best friend

after 30 seconds of meeting her.

You should really speak up when things are bothering you

instead of holding them in all day.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, God! I hate this Cabiria woman so much!

Like, what does this mean?

You wouldn't take it, if you didn't want to.

Why would I want this?

Because it's all you know.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, my God! I can't even look anymore!

(TEXTING)

What did you just do?

This is how you take control.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You should be thanking me right now.

Harper, you don't know anything about this process!

I know you're already letting her walk all over you.

You have to let these people do what they're going to do!

You could have really fucked this up for me just now.

I told you not to come to the beach.

God, Cabiria is my... (SIGHS)

She's my, like...

My main contact there. I...

Sometimes you just have to take punches from people.

Oh, God, that is such a sad and unhealthy world view.

No! No!

I do things, and I don't do things for a reason.

I hate her, obviously, but she's my ally,

and I have to be comfortable with that.

Comfortable. You're going to be really comfortable in Africa.

Sure.

She's gonna cut me from the program. No, she won't.

God.

I just... Can we just not talk?

(RATTLING)

What's your name?

What? I'm not talking to you.

Sir, what's your name?

Oh, it's Sumrat.

Hi, Sumrat.

Where are you from?

India.

What part? Bengal.

Oh, what part of Bengal? Calcutta.

I've been to Calcutta. Oh, God, I love it there.

I was so sad when Satyajit Ray died.

Uh... Yeah... We all were.

Humara naam Harper.

O... Okay. That, that...

Good, good... Good for you, yes.

HARPER: I also spent a lot of time in Goa.

Oh, really? My wife's family is from there.

Oh, she's so blessed. I love it there.

The air is so thick and sweet.

I still have dreams about it.

I wish I could have spent more time there,

but I had to go to a wedding with my father in Hyderabad.

So, does your father come to India often?

Yeah. His business is there.

Oh, really? What kind of business?

Uh, they basically do everything.

It's called Riess Culpepper.

And yeah, they... They do everything.

(CAR INDICATOR TICKING)

Oh... Why are we stopped?

Is this it?

Please get out of my car right now.

What are you talking about? What?

I don't understand. We were going to...

No! Open the door and get out, now!

Um...

We're going to Fort Tilden. Okay...

No, you are not!

Get out! Open the door and get out of my car now!

ALLIE: Did we do something wrong? What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Do you know what you are?

You are the daughter of a criminal, okay?

Your father is a criminal bully.

And you, get out now! Okay, all right. Okay.

Take us to Fort Tilden! (SPEAKING BENGALI)

Take us to Fort Tilden, now! (SPEAKING BENGALI)

Drive the fucking car!

Don't tell me what to do in my own car! Get out, now!

No! Harper.

SUMRAT: Get out! HARPER: Drive the fucking car!

Get out of my car now!

Drive the fucking car, now! (POUNDING FISTS) Get out!

Drive the fucking car!

I don't drive criminals in my car. We have to get out of the car.

I told you... HARPER: We're not going anywhere!

I'm not going anywhere... I'm not going anywhere! Get out!

Where'd you get your cell phone from, huh? ALLIE: Don't hurt her!

Where'd you get your cell phone? Oh, fuck you!

Ask your father about his job in India, okay?

My father is not a criminal!

My father is not a criminal!

You know what, ask your father how he is able to sleep at night, okay?

Shut up! (SCREAMING) Fuck you!

He's not a criminal! My father's not a criminal!

You okay? Yeah. Obviously, I'm fine.

Which way should we go, do you think?

It's not his fault. People see what they want to see.

And it's not my fault that I'm his daughter.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

ALLIE: I know that cars are the reason that the world is the way that it is,

but I really miss being able to scream in my car.

You just can't do that in New York, you know.

HARPER: Yeah. But where would you park it?

Hmm. Yeah.

Are we almost there? Yeah.

Yeah.

(SIGHS) I kinda feel like this guy...

I don't know.

Yeah, like why is he so fucking close to us?

Right?

There was a time at the 2nd Avenue F stop

where I felt someone pulling on my hair,

but then I turned around and there was no one there.

And it seriously happened, like, six times!

And when I got home, I opened my purse

and there was all this cum in it.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

I know. I had to throw away my headphones.

Jesus.

Okay, he's, like, way too close.

Let's pick up the pace.

When I was canvassing for Obama, there was this really touchy guy

who was always, like, dangerously close to my ass,

but not enough to report it, you know.

And then a couple of months later, I was at Housing Works,

and I saw him opening and closing books on his dick.

(SHUDDERS) So, like, I will always listen to my instincts from now on.

I have so many books from Housing Works. I know.

Okay, he's right behind us.

Four-and-half years ago, my aunt was walking down Lexington Avenue,

Lexington Avenue, when a guy threw her to the ground

and took a shit on her chest.

And the next thing she remembers,

she woke up in Jersey City... (MAN COUGHING LOUDLY)

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Help! Help!

(SOBBING) Help!

(BOTH WHIMPERING) Help us!

Oh, God!

(SCREAMING)

(MAN COUGHING)

ALLIE: Is he still there?

Yeah. He's still running.

Where is he going?

I don't know. I don't get it!

God!

That was really scary! Scared the shit out of us for nothing.

ALLIE: What the fuck was wrong with that guy's foot?

HARPER: Ugh! It's really scary.

ALLIE: Wait, this is a beach?

HARPER: Wow. What a cool old theater!

Is it still functioning?

God, you can do whatever you want here!

What if you could, like...

Bus a bunch of people out here at night and put on, like, a cabaret?

Oh, cool. All right, not a cabaret,

because that's stupid, but, like, something classic, you know.

Yeah. Never mind. That's fucking stupid.

This place is awesome. It's such a piece of shit. (ALLIE CHUCKLES)

Is this, um...

Is the Fort back that way? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

(AIRPLANE FLYING IN DISTANCE)

Uh, is it...

This is like beach sand, but this doesn't look like a beach.

It smells.

(SNIFFING)

Smells like cum. It does smell like cum.

We haven't seen a person in, like...

I don't even know.

Harper, do you know where you're going?

Well, yeah, I do.

It's just taking longer than I thought.

Ew!

Act like you're playing guitar.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

It's cute.

ALLIE: I still don't see a fort.

Oh, my God.

That barrel looks exactly like our barrel.

Ugh, that barrel does look exactly like our barrel.

Except, the distress is authentic.

Ugh, this day.

ALLIE: Excuse me? Is this a fort?

Um, yeah, I think that it used to be a fort.

Fort Tilden? No, this is Jacob Riis.

So where's Fort Tilden?

Uh, I don't know. I don't know.

I think that, uh, you have to take a shuttle there.

Yeah, or a ferry.

No, we already tried that.

BOTH: I'm sorry.

I don't know... We don't...

I don't know. Good luck.

Ugh!

Fucking idiots!

WOMAN: Okay.

I really think that path from before

might have been the right path.

(BOTH GROANING)

It's like Ted Bundy's house.

Oh, okay, this looks familiar.

We're definitely getting closer.

This is like the same material

the fort is made out of.

(SQUEALING)

Oh! Oh, my God!

What? Kittens. Hi!

Oh, my goodness. Hi, come here.

(GASPING) Oh.

Hi! Oh. (GASPING)

So cute. Oh. Oh, my God. Hi, baby.

Hi, honies, I won't hurt you.

Hi.

Got you, oh, little blue eyes.

Oh, this is so tragic.

Left for dead at the beach.

Who'd do this? Hi, little babies. Hi.

What? They're so pretty, Allie.

Look at their eyes. Oh, my God.

It's like a fancy breed or something. Hi, little.

Hi. Aw.

Oh, my God. They smell good.

Ah, God, what do we do?

I don't know. We can't leave them.

I know, I know. We have to take them with us.

But...

To the beach?

(MEOWING)

Okay, well, maybe... Maybe you can keep two of them

and I can take one of them.

I can give one of them to my cousin, maybe.

I don't want to split them apart. That's cruel.

But I can't take any to Liberia with me.

I really think it's down behind those parking lot fields.

No, it's back this way.

We just have to do it right this time.

Harper, I just... I really think

it's that path that we saw before.

(SCOFFING) Are you kidding me?

Why is that such a stupid idea?

Does it look like a fort lives over there?

Does it look like a fort lives over there? (SCOFFS)

Why are you just standing there?

Because we already know that's the wrong way!

Oh, my God!

Harper, the sun is low in the sky.

I'm tired.

And I'm sick of walking up and down

this fucking road that leads to nowhere.

Can you stop picking fights, please?

I would argue that you're the one picking fights.

Okay, let's get past this passive aggressive shit.

Oh, I'm being passive aggressive?

\"Oh, I'm being passive aggressive?\"

Do you hear that? It's your tone.

(GRUNTING)

Be careful with the kitten.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, my God.

Fuck.

Did you post the picture of me on the beach?

How would she have seen that?

On the Internet, Harper!

She can't see my photos if she doesn't follow me.

Well, she found it.

And I asked you not to post it,

and you did it anyway.

And that's so disrespectful.

I can't control the Internet for you, Allie.

God, if this gets taken away from me because of you...

I need this, Harper.

Need this for what?

You just like to tell people about it.

God, no! That's not true! That's so false!

You're just the only person in the world

who can't get excited for me.

No, Allie. No one cares.

No one is dumb enough to think

that you'll actually go through with this.

You know what, I dare you to go to the Peace Corps.

You don't have to dare me to do something I'm already fucking doing!

You're not gonna do it.

It's just one of the many exit strategies you're collecting.

This isn't an exit strategy, this is a plan.

It's a really good plan.

I am doing something valuable and...

That's not something to be ashamed of.

I would love to see you try to make a plan.

Oh, you can't make plans in my field.

It's art. You just have to let things happen.

And what, you think that's easy or something?

No, I think it's really hard,

which is why you're not an artist.

Artists take risks, and are honest with themselves.

They don't just fucking talk shit about people

who are already doing good things!

I hope that felt really good. It really, really did!

300 years ago, there was a girl named Allie

who went to the Peace Corps because she didn't know what she was good at.

And when she came back, it hadn't solved any of her problems,

and she was just two years older.

300 years ago, there was a girl named Harper, who...

Used up the world's space and gave nothing in return

because she's afraid to fucking fail.

And that's the worst thing you can be as a human.

(KITTEN SQUEALING)

(SQUEALING)

I'm done with these fucking cats!

Come on.

I know. Come on.

I know.

Can you make it nice for them?

Obviously. Here.

Shh! It's okay. It's okay.

Don't be scared.

Be careful. I am careful.

Which one should I take? (SQUEALING)

Come here. I know. Are you sure that's okay?

I mean, it's better than where they came from.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

All right. Bye, you guys.

See you soon. Are you all right? It's okay.

ALLIE: We'll be back.

Be comfortable, okay?

(SIGHS) Okay.

I have a really good feeling about this path,

and I would like to try it, please.

Fine. Let's go.

Okay.

There won't be a fort at the end of it. Shh! Whatever, Harper.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

(SCOFFS)

(PHONE DROPS)

Damn it!

They're at the other fucking beach! They're not even at Fort Tilden.

At least we know how to get there.

Okay, so before we go, I just wanna prepare you

that if Russ is into me, it's not my fault,

and if he tries to get anywhere with me, I'm not gonna stop him.

He texted me.

That's because he's got game, and wants to fuck your friend, not you.

(SCOFFS) Is this it?

This is the fort.

This is the fucking fort?

Well, that's great!

I'm glad we found it when we don't need it.

It's like a spaceship.

Looks like a Chia pet.

Great!

Is that them?

It has to be. But...

Who are those two with them?

Ugh! It can't be them.

That's Russ. And there's the other one.

Are they fucking topless?

Yep.

No.

Hi!

Oh, you guys actually showed up.

Sam, you remember these girls, right?

Remember them? SAM: Oh, yeah. Hey!

That's so funny that you're here.

So funny? Yeah.

I'm Sage.

Sage! Oh, my gosh, that's such a beautiful name.

Sage. Wow! (CHUCKLES)

I'm Harper. This is Allie.

Hi. Hello.

I am Mia.

I'm sorry?

Mia. That's my name. You know, Mia.

Right, yes. Beautiful.

So, are you guys gonna just stand there...

Are you gonna join us?

We got beers! By all means, treat yourselves.

So, how do we all know each other?

Oh, we've been friends for a long time.

Oh, us, too.

How do you guys know each other?

Oh, my God, how do we know each... Oh, my God.

(MIA AND SAGE LAUGHING)

Do you remember? Kind of.

(LAUGHING)

That sounds fun.

So what's your story?

I'm an artist.

Oh! What's your medium?

Mixed mediums. Depends on the audience and the material.

This country does not put enough money into the arts.

It's so true.

What about you, Allie?

Um, I just dropped everything and I'm going to the Peace Corps.

So you're, like, taking time off?

Well, you know, I just couldn't think of a better way

to spend two years.

Right on.

So, uh, where are you going, actually?

Liberia. Oh, right!

That is fucking crazy.

They have a branch there? Yes, they do. Yeah.

Wow, that's scary.

(LAUGHTER) RUSS: Yeah.

Well, you know, sometimes I think you have to live a little

before you can become who you are, you know.

Uh, we're so lucky. ALLIE: Yeah.

And I mean, I think it's...

I think it's a new perspective that'll really give me a leg-up

when I apply for law school.

Oh. Is that what you want to do?

Yeah, or acupuncture...

RUSS: Mia was doing actually some work with some countries.

Where were you at?

Like, it was Thailand, right?

The clouds in Phuket move so fast.

I'm having withdrawals.

I was working for this non-profit called Free Water...

I know Free Water. That's an amazing organization.

Thank you for your work. Thank you.

I told Sage she needs to come with me next year so she can write about it.

Oh, yeah. Sage is a great fucking writer.

Really top-notch.

Stop it!

Well, we'd love to read some of your work sometime.

So, uh... Did you guys get the Molly or...

Yeah, it was easy.

One for each of us. That's cool?

Yeah, don't be nervous. This one's all about love.

MIA: Thanks.

Thank you guys so much.

HARPER: Oh...

Um, yeah.

You guys are already rolling, right?

Yeah, yeah.

The last time I rolled was in this hostel in Malaysia with a bunch of Norwegians.

God, I'm so glad my past is behind me.

So, how's the water?

It was good earlier. I don't know about now.

Who wants to go in?

Russ, I know you want to.

No, not at all. It's kinda cold. It's not even sunny at all.

Oh, come on. I'm cool right where I... am.

I mean, you can... Come on.

Harper, don't make him do something he doesn't want to do, you know.

Just imagine how amazing it's gonna feel

when the Molly takes over in the middle of the surf.

SAM: I'm sure Hally would wanna go. Allie.

Yeah. That's what I mean. Well, like...

You two could go together as friends, right?

Russ!

No, I'm actually... I'm fine where I am, here.

Ah! I can't believe you're making me drag you.

No one's making you.

Seriously?

Have fun.

So, how long does this usually take to, like...

Oh. Um, not very long.

Cool. Cool. Yeah.

Great. Pretty quick.

How did you get here today?

Oh, we biked. Oh, wow!

That's intense.

Yeah, it was so nice, actually.

It was really relaxing. It was beautiful. Oh, that's great.

It's freezing! Are you kidding me?

This is so freaking freezing! It feels really good.

No, it doesn't, at all.

I'm really glad this is happening 'cause dude needs to get over you.

MIA: Oh, my God. I know.

Brrr!

You were right. Kinda feels great.

Yeah, I'm definitely cold.

My first orgasm was in the water.

That sounds complicated.

Not really. I've just always been able to cum so easily.

You're lucky.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God! Wait. I just...

(BUZZING)

I thought my phone was ringing.

It was just my stomach grumbling.

(SAGE LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

SAM: It's like a vibration, so I just thought it was outside my body.

Hi, Cabiria! CABIRIA: Wow!

I'm surprised to hear your voice.

Stop, stop!

You love it. Fuck.

CABIRIA: I can hear the waves, Allie.

That's, um...

That's actually my air conditioner. Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

The Peace Corps is no joke.

I'm responsible for you and it reflects poorly on me,

when my nominees fall short of my expectations. I don't take on children.

Oh, God! Did you... Did you not get the PDFs

that I sent you with all of my information? I mean, I...

My Internet is in and out, so it's possible that it didn't go through.

Or maybe you could check your spam folder. It could be in there.

Don't think I'm that easy.

Oh, gosh! Is...

Is this about that picture?

Because that's actually from a really long time ago.

Um, I would die if I was at the beach right now.

CABIRIA: I know you're lying to me.

I believed in you and you let me down.

I want so badly to cut you from the program,

but I can't, because you are the only candidate

who's proficient in the Kisi language.

Yeah.

We are meeting tomorrow at 3:00 p.m., sick or not.

Okay.

Enjoy the beach.

(SNIFFLING)

Is everything okay?

Yeah. (SOBBING)

This woman was just yelling at me and...

(TEARFULLY) This is just how I'm reacting. I'm fine, I'm fine.

Oh, my God, sweetie, who was yelling at you?

The Peace Corps woman.

(SNIFFLING) She's really unfair.

Oh, my God! What a bitch!

I mean, you're, like, putting off going to college for that.

Oh, no. No, no, I've been out of college for...

Um...

How old are you?

How old are you?

I wanna show you something.

Guess what this is.

That's my dick.

It's so cold. It'll get better.

I don't wanna jinx it,

but I feel like I have a pretty good chance of getting into Northwestern.

You know, just 'cause my dad went there and everything. I don't know. It's stupid.

You'll get in. I mean, come on. He has such good grades.

Me and Sage are gonna try for Brown together.

College cannot be our goodbye, you know.

I have to take the SAT again in October

because I fucked it up in spring.

Ugh! Can we not talk about the SATs for once?

(SHIVERING)

Yeah, you like that? (MOANING)

I'm gonna watch you cum.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

(GRUNTS)

Can you stop?

Please, can we stop?

(SCREAMING)

Um...

So... I think I'm rolling a little bit.

Yeah, I'm starting to feel loose.

SAM: Are you feeling this right now?

Yeah.

(GROANING) Touch me.

Yo, fuck this.

This is so fucked up. I don't want Mia to get jealous.

Fuck this. I'm sorry. It's so fucking cold.

I... I just gotta go right now. I'm sorry.

Fuck! Are you kidding me?

(GROANING)

Can you guys, like... Can we, like, wrap it up

and can we just go, like, can we get out of here?

Is everything okay? RUSS: Oh, yeah.

I'm just really cold and my stomach hurts. Can we just...

Mmm-hmm. ...get the stuff?

Like, now! Like...

Chill out, we're going.

Hey, Allie.

I think we're gonna leave now.

To go back uptown to my mother's place.

Um... And look, I'm just gonna be super honest with you here.

I'm vibing on you pretty hard right now.

And if my senses are right, I feel like

you feel some of the same. So I don't know what the right move is here.

You're more than welcome to come with us.

If you wanna stay here, ditch the friend,

and then come meet us afterwards, you know...

I can't promise that we'll have a place for your bicycle.

'Cause it's all happening so fast... Don't...

I never felt this way about anyone before. (STAMMERING)

You... You go ahead. I'll...

I'm gonna be fine.

I get it. It's friendship. It's number one.

You can't leave friends.

This is... All this stuff I learned from you is unbelievable.

You are so wise.

Are you gonna be okay to drive, though?

Yeah. I'm fine to drive. Yeah.

ALLIE: Are you sure?

Yeah. I've never felt more capable of driving in my entire life.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay to drive?

SAM: Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Yeah.

It was so, so nice to meet you.

Hopefully, our, like, paths will cross again.

Yeah? Yeah. Definitely.

RUSS: Okay, come on, guys. Seriously.

What was your friend's name?

Harper. Okay.

Bye, Harper.

SAM: Bye, Harper!

It was so great to meet you.

SAM: ...incredible, in my life.

Also, you know, don't worry about that woman.

Okay, you did everything right.

She just needs to suffer with herself. Okay?

(MOUTHING) Bye.

Have fun at college, you guys.

Bye!

SAGE: Those women were like, 30.

(GIGGLING)

How do old people buy drugs?

(LAUGHING) No idea.

Hey.

I'm not usually wrong about people.

Russ and I were like...

Like, perfectly cool, and just flirty both ways.

And then he flipped out on me.

They were teenagers.

Sage and Mia? God! That's so reprehensible.

No. What douchebags!

No, all of them.

They were all teenagers.

Not Russ.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(SCOFFS)

I guess I don't know what teenagers look like anymore.

DRIVER: Where are you going?

Williamsburg.

Clouds in Phuket move so fast.

A summer essay by Sage.

(LINE RINGING)

OPERATOR: Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right number to call.

Ma'am, what's your emergency?

Well, it's not an emergency, emergency.

But I'm at Fort Tilden and I saw two young women

leave a litter of kittens in a trash can.

At where?

At Fort Tilden, in the Rockaways.

Oh, okay. Uh, okay. What's your name, ma'am?

Uh, Harper Culpepper.

Okay, Harper, so I'm gonna send animal control over,

but in the meantime could you please take those kittens

out of the trash can. Okay?

Is this the best number to reach you at?

Uh, well, the thing is,

my phone's gonna die and I had to go...

Yeah, but it's about to rain.

I know.

Oh, my God, those poor baby kittens!

My phone's gonna die, so...

Those kittens are gonna drown.

Who... Who would do something like that?

I don't know. Where are you at right now?

I'm just walking and it's, uh, outside...

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Finally.

Oh, gross.

You girls like to go clubbing? You like house music?

No.

It's too bad, my boy's spinnin' tonight at my club.

You have a club?

Yes, this is all I do. This is my joy.

Where's your license?

MAN: You want to see my license?

Are you not a cab?

No. Club is all I do.

We called for a cab.

I'm not cab driver.

(SIGHS)

Okay.

Um...

Well, this is our rape moment.

I'm gonna have a Xanax. Do you want a Xanax?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

Don't thank me.

How much?

I don't know, how much?

It was 100 to get out there.

Okay.

Why did I even say that?

(SIGHS)

(GROANING)

Where are you going?

(DOG BARKING)

Hi, Allie. Hey.

How was the beach? Oh. Fucking shitty.

Sorry to hear that.

It's fine.

Where's the bike? Well, that's the thing.

Mmm.

I just left it.

Where did you leave it?

(STAMMERING) I... I, you know, I just...

I left it, because...

I just didn't wanna deal with it. So, I, um...

I left it in the ghetto,

uh, hidden,

uh, under a bunch of trash.

Can you go get it?

What? I mean...

If I was gonna get it,

I would've gotten it already, you know.

I can tell you where it is...

...kind of.

I'm sorry.

(MUMBLES)

I don't understand.

Why...

...are you not gonna give me back the bike that I lent to you?

Listen, I said I'm sorry.

Okay?

Could you get it before you leave, or...

I, uh, I don't know about Liberia.

You know what, it's not gonna happen.

(LAUGHS) I'm not going anywhere.

I don't know what I'm suited for.

DAD ON PHONE: Maybe you should take a spa day, you work so hard.

Am I gonna see you before Geneva?

What do you need?

I don't know. I guess I don't need anything.

You've gotta get yourself a Tempur-Pedic for your bed,

I've been sleeping so well.

But how did you do things at my age?

How did you get your life to move?

Well, it depends on your calling. (DOOR OPENS)

You're a dreamer, sweetie. You can't ignore your gift.

My gift is that I'm a dreamer?

Look, angel, I gotta check in for my flight,

I told Linda to put that money in your account.

No, that's not... I'm like...

I'm trying to be serious.

What is it?

I don't know. I guess I just wish we could get, like, dinner or something.

You know, I'd love that. It's just the timing, there's no time.

I've gotta go. I love you, sweetheart.

I live only for you.

(PHONE CLICKS)

Mmm.

(SOFTLY) Toast.

The twins sent us a song.

I don't wanna hear it.

Then don't listen.

(SONG PLAYING)

This is tediously adorable.

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)