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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:30,000 Subtitles downloaded from https://kickasssubtitles.com 2 00:01:24,544 --> 00:01:26,879 - Answer the phone. - Where's my suitcase? 3 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:31,842 I'm going downstairs. Who stole my hair dryer? 4 00:01:31,843 --> 00:01:35,512 Miss. Young lady. Excuse me. Girls. 5 00:01:35,513 --> 00:01:38,682 Hey, hey, little boy. 6 00:01:38,683 --> 00:01:41,059 - Excuse me, girls. Girls. - Take the witches! 7 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,312 Hey. Hey, big fella. Excuse me. 8 00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:45,623 Come help me make up these beds in the living room! 9 00:01:45,624 --> 00:01:46,732 Excuse me. Ma'am! 10 00:01:46,733 --> 00:01:49,234 - Hi. Hey, son! Son! - Who stole my book bag? 11 00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:52,939 Big fella! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Little guy. Little guy! 12 00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:57,284 Pete's brother and his family are here. Oh, it's crazy. 13 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,661 - Trish is going to Montreal. - Montreal? 14 00:01:59,662 --> 00:02:01,788 - Uh-huh. - That's right. Her family's there. 15 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,790 - And we're off. - When do you leave? 16 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,876 - Tomorrow. - You're not ready, are you? 17 00:02:05,877 --> 00:02:10,714 Mom! Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. 18 00:02:10,715 --> 00:02:13,592 - Why can't I? - Kevin, I'm on the phone. 19 00:02:13,593 --> 00:02:16,178 When do you come back? Not till then? 20 00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:19,598 It's not even rated "R." He's just being a jerk. 21 00:02:19,599 --> 00:02:22,935 Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no... 22 00:02:22,936 --> 00:02:25,270 then it must be really bad. 23 00:02:25,271 --> 00:02:27,481 No, we're not bringing the dog. We're putting him... 24 00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:30,025 Hey, hey, hey! Get off. Kevin, out of the room. 25 00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:32,528 Hang up the phone and make me, why don't ya? 26 00:02:32,529 --> 00:02:33,338 Oh, this kid. 27 00:02:33,339 --> 00:02:36,532 Kate, did you by any chance pick up a voltage adapter thing? 28 00:02:36,533 --> 00:02:38,534 I didn't have time to do that. 29 00:02:38,535 --> 00:02:40,536 How am I supposed to shave in France? 30 00:02:40,537 --> 00:02:43,539 - Grow a goatee. - Dad, nobody'll let me do anything. 31 00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:45,541 I've got something for you to do. 32 00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:48,126 Pick up those Micro Machines that are all over in there. 33 00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:51,088 Aunt Leslie stepped on one and almost broke her neck. 34 00:02:51,089 --> 00:02:53,096 He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun. 35 00:02:53,097 --> 00:02:54,258 Didn't we talk about that? 36 00:02:54,259 --> 00:02:57,386 Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. 37 00:02:57,387 --> 00:02:59,638 I was making ornaments out of fishhooks. 38 00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:01,473 My new fishhooks? 39 00:03:01,474 --> 00:03:06,311 I can't make ornaments out of the old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on 'em. 40 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:10,315 - Peter. - Come on, Kevin. Out. 41 00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,901 Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adapter? 42 00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:16,196 - Here! Here's a voltage adapter. - Oh, you're getting heavy. 43 00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:18,566 Go pack your suitcase. 44 00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:22,744 Pack my suitcase? 45 00:03:22,745 --> 00:03:25,330 - Do you know where the shampoo is, Fuller? - I don't live here. 46 00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,833 A house with this many people, there's no shampoo? 47 00:03:27,834 --> 00:03:30,127 - Are your parents home? - Yeah, but they don't live here. 48 00:03:30,128 --> 00:03:32,880 - Tracy, did you order the pizza? - Buzz did. 49 00:03:32,881 --> 00:03:36,258 - Excuse me, miss. Are your parents here? - My parents live in Paris. Sorry. 50 00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:38,260 - Hi! - Hi! 51 00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:39,928 - Are your parents home? - Yeah. 52 00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:41,930 - Do they live here? - No. 53 00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:47,019 No. Why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage. 54 00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:51,190 I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done this once in my whole life. 55 00:03:51,191 --> 00:03:53,525 - Tough. - That's what Megan said. 56 00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:56,361 - What did I say? - You told Kevin, "tough." 57 00:03:56,362 --> 00:03:59,198 The dope was whining about a suitcase. What am I supposed to do? 58 00:03:59,199 --> 00:04:01,742 Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"? 59 00:04:01,743 --> 00:04:04,786 - I'm not an idiot! - Oh, really? You're completely helpless! 60 00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:07,581 - Everyone has to do everything for you. - She's right, Kev. 61 00:04:07,582 --> 00:04:11,543 Excuse me, puke-breath. I'm a lot smaller than you. I don't know how to pack a suitcase. 62 00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:15,214 - I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff. - Shut up, Linnie. 63 00:04:15,215 --> 00:04:17,216 Do you know what I should pack? 64 00:04:17,217 --> 00:04:20,636 Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water. 65 00:04:20,637 --> 00:04:23,680 Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? 66 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:26,558 You know mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. 67 00:04:26,559 --> 00:04:29,895 You're what the French call les incompetents. 68 00:04:29,896 --> 00:04:34,058 - What? - Bombs away! 69 00:04:37,570 --> 00:04:41,990 P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. 70 00:04:41,991 --> 00:04:45,869 If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed. 71 00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:48,747 This house is so full of people, it makes me sick! 72 00:04:48,748 --> 00:04:51,875 When I grow up and get married, I'm livin' alone! 73 00:04:51,876 --> 00:04:54,753 Did you hear me? I'm livin' alone! 74 00:04:54,754 --> 00:04:57,707 I'm livin' alone! 75 00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:02,386 Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone? 76 00:05:02,387 --> 00:05:06,966 He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. 77 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:11,520 Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits? 78 00:05:11,521 --> 00:05:14,273 Some don't. 79 00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:16,275 But they got nude beaches. 80 00:05:16,276 --> 00:05:19,520 Not in the winter. 81 00:05:23,783 --> 00:05:27,870 - Buzz? - Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad? 82 00:05:27,871 --> 00:05:31,456 Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep with Fuller. 83 00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:33,542 If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed. 84 00:05:33,543 --> 00:05:38,373 I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass. 85 00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:43,336 Check it out. Old man Marley. 86 00:05:46,639 --> 00:05:48,765 Who is he? 87 00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:53,187 You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer! 88 00:05:53,188 --> 00:05:55,230 - No. - That's him. 89 00:05:55,231 --> 00:06:00,186 Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on his block... 90 00:06:01,321 --> 00:06:03,572 with a snow shovel. 91 00:06:03,573 --> 00:06:06,992 Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since. 92 00:06:06,993 --> 00:06:10,579 Well, if he's the Shovel Slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him? 93 00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:12,581 Not enough evidence to convict. 94 00:06:12,582 --> 00:06:15,250 They never found the bodies. 95 00:06:15,251 --> 00:06:17,586 But everyone around here knows he did it. 96 00:06:17,587 --> 00:06:21,423 Now it'll just be a matter of time before he does it again. 97 00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:23,509 What's he doin' now? 98 00:06:23,510 --> 00:06:27,513 He walks up and down the streets every night... 99 00:06:27,514 --> 00:06:29,932 salting the sidewalks. 100 00:06:29,933 --> 00:06:32,093 Maybe he's just trying to be nice. 101 00:06:33,603 --> 00:06:35,979 No way. 102 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:39,107 See that garbage can full of salt? 103 00:06:39,108 --> 00:06:42,194 That's where he keeps his victims. 104 00:06:42,195 --> 00:06:45,197 The salt turns the bodies... 105 00:06:45,198 --> 00:06:48,075 into mummies. 106 00:06:48,076 --> 00:06:51,237 - Wow. - Mummies. 107 00:06:55,375 --> 00:06:57,618 Look out! 108 00:07:29,033 --> 00:07:32,077 How you kids doin', huh? Good? 109 00:07:32,078 --> 00:07:34,913 Lot of action around here today, huh? 110 00:07:34,914 --> 00:07:37,708 Goin' on vacation? Where you goin'? 111 00:07:37,709 --> 00:07:42,087 Do you hear me or what? Goin' on a trip? 112 00:07:42,088 --> 00:07:44,374 Where you goin', kid? 113 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,602 Okay, that's 122.50. 114 00:07:56,603 --> 00:07:58,687 Not for me, kid. I don't live here. 115 00:07:58,688 --> 00:08:02,774 - Oh. You just around for the holidays? - I guess you could say that. 116 00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:06,236 - Hey, pizza's here! - Here you go. That's 122.50. 117 00:08:06,237 --> 00:08:08,947 It's my brother's house. He'll take care of it. 118 00:08:08,948 --> 00:08:12,284 Hey, listen, uh... 119 00:08:12,285 --> 00:08:15,787 - Hi. - Hi. Are you Mr. McCallister? 120 00:08:15,788 --> 00:08:18,248 - Yeah. - The Mr. McCallister who lives here? 121 00:08:18,249 --> 00:08:21,376 - Yes. - Oh, good, 'cause somebody owes me 122.50. 122 00:08:21,377 --> 00:08:24,963 - I'd like a word with you, sir. - Am I under arrest or something? 123 00:08:24,964 --> 00:08:28,926 No, no. It's Christmastime. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. 124 00:08:28,927 --> 00:08:33,388 We're checking the neighborhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions. 125 00:08:33,389 --> 00:08:37,643 Oh, yeah. Well, we have automatic timers for our lights, locks for our doors. 126 00:08:37,644 --> 00:08:39,811 That's about as well as anybody can do these days. 127 00:08:39,812 --> 00:08:42,147 - You get some eggnog? - Come on, Dad. 128 00:08:42,148 --> 00:08:44,149 - Let's eat. - Come on. 129 00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:46,407 - Eggnog? Listen, are you gonna be leaving, uh... 130 00:08:46,408 --> 00:08:47,236 - Pizza! Pizza! 131 00:08:47,237 --> 00:08:49,321 Pizza! 132 00:08:49,322 --> 00:08:52,449 Grab yourself a napkin. You're gonna have to pour your own drinks. 133 00:08:52,450 --> 00:08:54,660 Does Santa Claus have to go through customs? 134 00:08:54,661 --> 00:08:56,995 - What time do we have to go to bed? - Early. 135 00:08:56,996 --> 00:08:59,581 We're leaving the house at 8:00 a.m. on the button. 136 00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:03,877 I hope you're all drinking milk. I want to get rid of it. Hey! Don't you dare. 137 00:09:03,878 --> 00:09:07,081 Honey, the pizza boy needs $122.50, plus a tip. 138 00:09:07,082 --> 00:09:08,173 For pizza? 139 00:09:08,174 --> 00:09:10,092 Ten pizzas times 12 bucks. 140 00:09:10,093 --> 00:09:12,719 - Frank, you've got money. Come on. - Traveler's checks. 141 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,681 Forget it, Frank. We have cash. 142 00:09:15,682 --> 00:09:18,475 You've probably got traveler's checks that don't work in France. 143 00:09:18,476 --> 00:09:21,520 Did anyone order me a plain cheese? 144 00:09:21,521 --> 00:09:24,064 Oh, yeah, we did. But if you want any... 145 00:09:24,065 --> 00:09:27,442 somebody's gonna have to barf it all up, 'cause it's gone. 146 00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:31,147 Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi. 147 00:09:37,495 --> 00:09:41,324 Kev! Kevin, get a plate. 148 00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:50,174 Wow! 149 00:09:50,175 --> 00:09:53,051 The passports! Watch it! 150 00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:56,305 Help me out here! 151 00:09:56,306 --> 00:09:59,224 Let's get these passports out of here. 152 00:09:59,225 --> 00:10:02,811 - Kevin, get off of him! - You moron! 153 00:10:02,812 --> 00:10:06,481 Are you okay, honey? Come here. Are you all right? 154 00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,358 What is the matter with you? 155 00:10:08,359 --> 00:10:11,361 He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose. 156 00:10:11,362 --> 00:10:13,739 He knows I hate sausage and olives and... 157 00:10:13,740 --> 00:10:16,359 Look what you did, you little jerk! 158 00:10:30,215 --> 00:10:32,424 - Kevin, get upstairs right now. - Why? 159 00:10:32,425 --> 00:10:35,761 - Kevin, you're such a disease. - Shut up. 160 00:10:35,762 --> 00:10:37,596 - Kevin, upstairs! - Say good night, Kevin. 161 00:10:37,597 --> 00:10:41,934 - Good night, Kevin. - Now what's for dinner? 162 00:10:41,935 --> 00:10:44,353 Why do I always get treated like scum? 163 00:10:44,354 --> 00:10:46,813 Oh, I'm sorry. This house is just crazy. 164 00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,815 We've got all these extra kids running around. 165 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:52,611 My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts. 166 00:10:52,612 --> 00:10:55,280 How come you didn't bring more cheese pizzas? 167 00:10:55,281 --> 00:10:57,449 Nice tip. Thanks a lot. 168 00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:59,952 - Thanks. - Having a reunion or something? 169 00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:01,954 My husband's brother transferred to Paris last summer... 170 00:11:01,955 --> 00:11:05,958 and his kids are still going to school here, and I guess he missed the whole family. 171 00:11:05,959 --> 00:11:08,710 He's giving us this trip to Paris so we can be together. 172 00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:12,589 - You're taking a trip to Paris? - Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning. 173 00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:14,967 Excellent. Excellent. 174 00:11:14,968 --> 00:11:18,220 If you'll excuse me, this one's out of sorts. I'll be right back. 175 00:11:18,221 --> 00:11:21,139 Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. 176 00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:23,433 And don't worry about your home. 177 00:11:23,434 --> 00:11:26,012 It's in good hands. 178 00:11:28,648 --> 00:11:32,276 There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one that has to make trouble. 179 00:11:32,277 --> 00:11:35,445 - I'm the only one getting dumped on. - You're the only one acting up. 180 00:11:35,446 --> 00:11:40,158 - Now get upstairs. - I am upstairs, dummy. 181 00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:42,828 - The third floor? - Go. 182 00:11:42,829 --> 00:11:46,164 - It's scary up there. - Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while. 183 00:11:46,165 --> 00:11:49,459 I don't want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. 184 00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,753 He'll pee all over me. I know it. 185 00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:53,839 Fine. We'll put him somewhere else. 186 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,508 I'm sorry. 187 00:11:56,509 --> 00:11:59,212 It's too late. Get upstairs. 188 00:12:01,931 --> 00:12:04,183 Everyone in this family hates me. 189 00:12:04,184 --> 00:12:06,518 Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family. 190 00:12:06,519 --> 00:12:10,314 I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck! 191 00:12:10,315 --> 00:12:13,609 Stay up there. I don't want to see you for the rest of the night. 192 00:12:13,610 --> 00:12:16,361 I don't want to see you for the rest of my life. 193 00:12:16,362 --> 00:12:19,156 And I don't want to see anybody else either. 194 00:12:19,157 --> 00:12:21,200 I hope you don't mean that. 195 00:12:21,201 --> 00:12:25,287 You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family. 196 00:12:25,288 --> 00:12:28,874 - No, I wouldn't. - Then say it again. 197 00:12:28,875 --> 00:12:33,496 - Maybe it'll happen. - I hope I never see any of you jerks again. 198 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,645 I wish they would all just disappear. 199 00:13:54,294 --> 00:13:57,830 - Where are they? - I don't know. She said 8:00 sharp. 200 00:14:06,055 --> 00:14:09,558 Peter! 201 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:11,719 We slept in! 202 00:14:28,286 --> 00:14:31,413 Hi. I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. 203 00:14:31,414 --> 00:14:34,917 You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. 204 00:14:34,918 --> 00:14:38,670 Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. 205 00:14:38,671 --> 00:14:41,340 Do you know the McCallisters are going to France? 206 00:14:41,341 --> 00:14:45,219 Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage? 207 00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:48,381 Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road. 208 00:14:51,017 --> 00:14:53,310 Heather, do a head count. Make sure everyone's in the vans. 209 00:14:53,311 --> 00:14:55,312 Where are the passports and tickets? 210 00:14:55,313 --> 00:14:57,314 I put 'em in the microwave to dry 'em off. 211 00:14:57,315 --> 00:14:59,316 How fast does this thing go? 212 00:14:59,317 --> 00:15:03,362 Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have four-wheel drive? 213 00:15:03,363 --> 00:15:07,734 Look, I told you before, kid, don't bother me. Now beat it. 214 00:15:15,041 --> 00:15:17,160 Come on. Hurry up. 215 00:15:18,711 --> 00:15:22,631 - Line up in front off the van. - Did you take my batteries? 216 00:15:22,632 --> 00:15:25,092 - Line up and shut up! - Wow! 217 00:15:25,093 --> 00:15:27,886 Shut up. I gotta take a head count. 218 00:15:27,887 --> 00:15:32,057 - One, two, three, four, five... - Eleven, 92, 12. 219 00:15:32,058 --> 00:15:34,560 Buzz, don't be a moron. 220 00:15:34,561 --> 00:15:37,896 Six, seven, eight... 221 00:15:37,897 --> 00:15:40,566 nine, 10, 11. 222 00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:43,861 Okay. Half in this van, half in this van. Come on. Let's go. 223 00:15:43,862 --> 00:15:46,488 Have a good trip. 224 00:15:46,489 --> 00:15:48,691 Bring me back something French. 225 00:15:51,244 --> 00:15:55,247 There's no way on earth we're gonna make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes. 226 00:15:55,248 --> 00:15:58,667 - Think positive, Frank. - You be positive. I'll be realistic. 227 00:15:58,668 --> 00:16:00,669 - Ma'am? Ma'am? - What? 228 00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:02,754 I wanted to let you know your power's fixed. 229 00:16:02,755 --> 00:16:06,383 Phone lines are a mess. Gonna take Ma Bell a couple of days to patch 'em up. 230 00:16:06,384 --> 00:16:08,927 - Especially around the holidays. - Okay, thanks. 231 00:16:08,928 --> 00:16:12,347 - Heather! Did you count heads? - Eleven, including me. 232 00:16:12,348 --> 00:16:17,345 Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers and a partridge in a pear tree. 233 00:16:49,969 --> 00:16:51,970 This way! 234 00:16:51,971 --> 00:16:55,557 - Hold the plane! - Did we miss the flight? 235 00:16:55,558 --> 00:16:58,227 No, you just made it. 236 00:16:58,228 --> 00:17:02,439 - Single seats only in coach. Take whatever's free. - Thank you. 237 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,809 I get a window seat! 238 00:17:06,986 --> 00:17:09,154 You kids are in coach. We're up here. 239 00:17:09,155 --> 00:17:11,990 Here are your seats. Five "A"and "B" and four "A"and "B." 240 00:17:11,991 --> 00:17:14,993 - I'll take your coats. - Thank you. 241 00:17:14,994 --> 00:17:16,995 Fasten your seat belts, please. 242 00:17:16,996 --> 00:17:19,665 - Champagne, please. It's free, isn't it? - Oh, yes. 243 00:17:19,666 --> 00:17:23,377 - We made it. - Do you believe it? 244 00:17:23,378 --> 00:17:25,747 Hope we didn't forget anything. 245 00:18:10,550 --> 00:18:13,051 What are you doing out of costume? 246 00:18:13,052 --> 00:18:15,053 Now get back and get dressed. 247 00:18:15,054 --> 00:18:17,222 I'm terribly sorry. I thought you were our Santa Claus. 248 00:18:17,223 --> 00:18:19,224 Your Santa Claus is intoxicated. 249 00:18:19,225 --> 00:18:21,476 - Oh, no. - Yes. 250 00:18:21,477 --> 00:18:24,722 It's disgraceful! How can you allow a man... 251 00:18:29,944 --> 00:18:32,779 What do you mean by drinking? You know it's not allowed! 252 00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:36,575 But it's cold. A man's gotta do something to keep warm. 253 00:18:36,576 --> 00:18:38,577 I ought to take this cane and... 254 00:18:38,578 --> 00:18:43,248 Julia, get some black coffee and plenty of it. 255 00:18:43,249 --> 00:18:45,292 Black with a little cream. 256 00:18:45,293 --> 00:18:47,704 Mom? 257 00:18:52,509 --> 00:18:55,385 Thank you. 258 00:18:55,386 --> 00:18:58,680 - That's real crystal. It's real. - Yeah. So? 259 00:18:58,681 --> 00:19:03,018 - Put 'em in your purse. Put 'em! Put 'em! - I can't do that. 260 00:19:03,019 --> 00:19:05,020 Put them in your purse! 261 00:19:05,021 --> 00:19:09,274 Uh, yeah, yeah, fill it up, fill it up. Fill it up, please. 262 00:19:09,275 --> 00:19:11,276 Thank you. 263 00:19:11,277 --> 00:19:14,780 Don't you feel like a heel flying first class with the kids back in coach? 264 00:19:14,781 --> 00:19:16,782 No, the kids are fine. 265 00:19:16,783 --> 00:19:20,994 Only flying I ever did as a kid was in the family station wagon, and it wasn't to France. 266 00:19:20,995 --> 00:19:24,456 We used to have to go over to Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house. 267 00:19:24,457 --> 00:19:26,751 The kids are okay. They're having the time of their lives. 268 00:19:26,752 --> 00:19:27,518 Yeah. 269 00:19:28,419 --> 00:19:30,580 Hello? 270 00:19:31,548 --> 00:19:33,708 Mom? 271 00:19:35,301 --> 00:19:37,462 Dad? 272 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,593 Mom? Dad? 273 00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:48,272 Where are you guys? 274 00:19:48,273 --> 00:19:50,433 Buzz? 275 00:19:51,651 --> 00:19:53,811 Buzz? 276 00:19:56,614 --> 00:19:58,775 Buzz? 277 00:20:02,328 --> 00:20:04,329 Megan? 278 00:20:04,330 --> 00:20:09,001 Hello? Hello? 279 00:20:09,002 --> 00:20:12,087 Rod? Uncle Frank? 280 00:20:12,088 --> 00:20:14,582 Uncle Frank, is this a joke? 281 00:20:16,259 --> 00:20:19,379 Megan? Linnie? 282 00:20:21,806 --> 00:20:23,966 Is this a joke? 283 00:20:46,998 --> 00:20:51,661 It's only my imagination. Only my imagination. 284 00:21:08,561 --> 00:21:12,265 The cars are still here. They didn't go to the airport. 285 00:21:29,999 --> 00:21:33,953 I made my family disappear. 286 00:21:34,879 --> 00:21:37,130 Kevin, you're completely helpless. 287 00:21:37,131 --> 00:21:41,802 You know, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents. 288 00:21:41,803 --> 00:21:45,138 Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula. 289 00:21:45,139 --> 00:21:48,267 Kevin, you are such a disease. 290 00:21:48,268 --> 00:21:50,561 There are 15 people in this house... 291 00:21:50,562 --> 00:21:53,438 and you're the only one who has to make trouble. 292 00:21:53,439 --> 00:21:56,976 Look what you did, you little jerk. 293 00:22:00,613 --> 00:22:03,941 I made my family disappear. 294 00:22:18,089 --> 00:22:22,335 I'm free! Free! Free! 295 00:22:32,061 --> 00:22:34,222 Wow! 296 00:22:39,986 --> 00:22:43,822 No clothes on anybody. Sickening! 297 00:22:43,823 --> 00:22:48,076 Cool! Firecrackers! I'll save these for later. 298 00:22:48,077 --> 00:22:51,163 Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff! 299 00:22:51,164 --> 00:22:54,283 You better come out and pound me! 300 00:22:57,420 --> 00:23:00,873 Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof! 301 00:23:49,472 --> 00:23:51,632 Who is it? 302 00:23:54,894 --> 00:23:57,896 It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff. 303 00:23:57,897 --> 00:24:01,108 Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here. 304 00:24:01,109 --> 00:24:04,403 All right, Johnny. But what about my money? 305 00:24:04,404 --> 00:24:08,073 - What money? - Acey said you had some dough for me. 306 00:24:08,074 --> 00:24:11,159 Is that a fact? How much do I owe you? 307 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,079 Acey said 10%. 308 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,915 Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more. 309 00:24:16,916 --> 00:24:19,918 - What do you mean? - Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! 310 00:24:19,919 --> 00:24:22,963 You better come out and stop me! 311 00:24:22,964 --> 00:24:25,716 He'll call you when he gets out. 312 00:24:25,717 --> 00:24:27,509 Hey. 313 00:24:27,510 --> 00:24:30,421 I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. 314 00:24:31,890 --> 00:24:34,266 I'm gonna give you to the count of 10... 315 00:24:34,267 --> 00:24:37,436 to get your ugly, yellow... 316 00:24:37,437 --> 00:24:39,688 no-good keister off my property... 317 00:24:39,689 --> 00:24:41,899 before I pump your guts full of lead. 318 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:44,568 All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm goin'. 319 00:24:44,569 --> 00:24:47,271 One, two, ten! 320 00:25:02,378 --> 00:25:04,997 Keep the change, ya filthy animal. 321 00:25:06,466 --> 00:25:08,209 Mom! 322 00:25:19,354 --> 00:25:22,022 What's the matter? 323 00:25:22,023 --> 00:25:24,525 Honey? 324 00:25:24,526 --> 00:25:28,271 - I have a terrible feeling. - About what? 325 00:25:29,155 --> 00:25:31,406 That we didn't do something. 326 00:25:31,407 --> 00:25:34,826 Oh, no, you feel that way because we left in such a hurry. 327 00:25:34,827 --> 00:25:36,880 We took care of everything. Believe me, we did. 328 00:25:36,881 --> 00:25:38,247 Did I turn off the coffee? 329 00:25:38,248 --> 00:25:41,208 No. I did. 330 00:25:41,209 --> 00:25:43,335 Did you lock up? 331 00:25:43,336 --> 00:25:45,337 Yeah. 332 00:25:45,338 --> 00:25:48,166 Did you close the garage? 333 00:25:50,009 --> 00:25:54,005 That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it. 334 00:25:59,394 --> 00:26:01,929 No, that's not it. 335 00:26:02,897 --> 00:26:05,308 What else could we be forgetting? 336 00:26:09,028 --> 00:26:11,439 Kevin! 337 00:26:37,515 --> 00:26:40,343 Whoa! 338 00:26:41,186 --> 00:26:45,139 Whoa! Whoa! 339 00:26:53,698 --> 00:26:56,992 The captain's doing all he can. Your phones are still out of order. 340 00:26:56,993 --> 00:27:01,496 We'll call as soon as we land, Kate. I'm sure everything's okay. 341 00:27:01,497 --> 00:27:05,250 It's horrible. Horrible. Just horrible. 342 00:27:05,251 --> 00:27:08,420 How could we do this? We forgot him. 343 00:27:08,421 --> 00:27:10,873 We didn't forget him. We just... miscounted. 344 00:27:11,841 --> 00:27:14,176 What kind of mother am I? 345 00:27:14,177 --> 00:27:18,089 If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses. 346 00:27:22,602 --> 00:27:25,354 Five families gone on one block alone. 347 00:27:25,355 --> 00:27:28,315 - They all told me from their own mouths. 348 00:27:28,316 --> 00:27:30,400 It's almost too easy. 349 00:27:30,401 --> 00:27:34,363 Check it out. All the houses with nobody home... 350 00:27:34,364 --> 00:27:37,616 have automatic timers on their lights. 351 00:27:37,617 --> 00:27:40,653 But I got it all figured out. Watch this. 352 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,582 Number 664 will be going on... 353 00:27:45,583 --> 00:27:48,995 right about... now. 354 00:27:50,547 --> 00:27:53,715 - Oh. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 355 00:27:53,716 --> 00:27:56,461 Number 672... 356 00:27:57,554 --> 00:28:00,305 right... now. 357 00:28:00,306 --> 00:28:03,642 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 358 00:28:03,643 --> 00:28:08,056 671... now. 359 00:28:09,983 --> 00:28:13,443 And that's the one, Marvin. That's the silver tuna. 360 00:28:13,444 --> 00:28:15,654 Oh, it's very "G." 361 00:28:15,655 --> 00:28:18,699 Very "G, " huh? It's loaded. 362 00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:21,243 It's got lots of topflight goods. 363 00:28:21,244 --> 00:28:24,788 - Stereos, VCR's. - Toys. 364 00:28:24,789 --> 00:28:29,334 Probably lookin' at some very fine jewelry. Possible cash hoard. 365 00:28:29,335 --> 00:28:33,672 Odd marketable securities. Who knows? 366 00:28:33,673 --> 00:28:36,008 It's a gem. 367 00:28:36,009 --> 00:28:38,169 Grab your crowbar. 368 00:28:39,220 --> 00:28:41,381 Crowbars up. 369 00:29:40,156 --> 00:29:40,990 Which way? 370 00:29:40,991 --> 00:29:44,427 We'll go around back to the basement. Follow me. 371 00:30:04,097 --> 00:30:06,265 I thought you said they were gone. 372 00:30:06,266 --> 00:30:10,303 - They were supposed to leave this morning. - Let's get out of here. 373 00:30:46,639 --> 00:30:49,308 We have to use the phone, please. 374 00:30:49,309 --> 00:30:52,144 It's an emergency. We really have to make a call. 375 00:30:52,145 --> 00:30:55,314 Please! Our brother's home alone. 376 00:30:55,315 --> 00:30:58,650 - Give us the phone! - Thank you. I'm sorry. Thank you. 377 00:30:58,651 --> 00:31:01,737 Peter, I'm gonna call the police. Why don't you book us a flight home. 378 00:31:01,738 --> 00:31:06,491 Get some change out of here. Call everybody you know. Oh. Leslie. 379 00:31:06,492 --> 00:31:09,786 Here's my address book. You and Frank call everybody who lives on our street. 380 00:31:09,787 --> 00:31:11,788 Maybe somebody can help us. 381 00:31:11,789 --> 00:31:16,077 Hello? Hello? Hello? She'll have to call you back. 382 00:31:21,007 --> 00:31:25,010 This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would be hiding under a bed. 383 00:31:25,011 --> 00:31:29,340 And I can't be a wimp. I'm the man of the house. 384 00:31:36,439 --> 00:31:39,517 Hey! I'm not afraid anymore! 385 00:31:40,777 --> 00:31:44,863 I said, I'm not afraid anymore! 386 00:31:44,864 --> 00:31:47,900 Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore! 387 00:32:18,690 --> 00:32:20,732 Village Police Department. 388 00:32:20,733 --> 00:32:24,403 Hi. Look, I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone. 389 00:32:24,404 --> 00:32:27,906 Our phones are out of order, so I'd like somebody to go to our house... 390 00:32:27,907 --> 00:32:29,908 and tell him we're coming home to get him. 391 00:32:29,909 --> 00:32:32,077 Let me connect you with Family Crisis Intervention. 392 00:32:32,078 --> 00:32:35,114 - It's not a family crisis. - Hold on. 393 00:32:36,791 --> 00:32:40,419 Larry, can you pick up? There's some lady on hold, sounds kind of hyper. 394 00:32:40,420 --> 00:32:43,255 - What line, Rose? - Uh, two. 395 00:32:43,256 --> 00:32:45,924 Family Crisis Intervention. Sergeant Balzak. 396 00:32:45,925 --> 00:32:49,052 I am calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone. 397 00:32:49,053 --> 00:32:51,054 Has the child been involved in a violent altercation... 398 00:32:51,055 --> 00:32:53,932 with a drunken and/or mentally ill member of his immediate family? 399 00:32:53,933 --> 00:32:58,020 - No. - Has he been involved in a household accident? 400 00:32:58,021 --> 00:33:00,355 I don't know. I don't... I hope not. 401 00:33:00,356 --> 00:33:02,941 Has the child ingested any poison... 402 00:33:02,942 --> 00:33:05,736 and/or any other object that has become lodged in his throat? 403 00:33:05,737 --> 00:33:09,448 No, he's just home alone! I would like somebody to go over to the house... 404 00:33:09,449 --> 00:33:12,367 and see that he's all right, just to check on him. 405 00:33:12,368 --> 00:33:16,121 You want us to go to your house just to check on him? 406 00:33:16,122 --> 00:33:16,831 Yes! 407 00:33:16,832 --> 00:33:19,625 Let me connect you with the police department. 408 00:33:19,626 --> 00:33:22,252 - They just transferred me to you. - Rose? 409 00:33:22,253 --> 00:33:24,796 - Yeah? - Hyper on two. Hold on, please. 410 00:33:24,797 --> 00:33:28,800 No, please don't hang up. Please, don't... Any luck? 411 00:33:28,801 --> 00:33:32,554 No. We couldn't get anybody. 412 00:33:32,555 --> 00:33:33,339 Leslie? 413 00:33:33,340 --> 00:33:36,576 I'm sorry, Kate. Nothing but a bunch of answering machines. 414 00:33:38,603 --> 00:33:42,314 Somebody pick up. Pick up! 415 00:33:42,315 --> 00:33:44,983 - Hi, ma'am. It's you again. - Yeah, hi. Look. 416 00:33:44,984 --> 00:33:47,945 I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone, and I... 417 00:33:47,946 --> 00:33:52,108 Okay, okay. We'll send a policeman over to your house to check on your son. 418 00:34:22,146 --> 00:34:24,898 There's no one home. The house looks secure. 419 00:34:24,899 --> 00:34:28,110 - Tell 'em to count their kids again. Ten-four. 420 00:34:28,111 --> 00:34:30,779 I can't believe you can't bump somebody or ask somebody... 421 00:34:30,780 --> 00:34:33,532 I'm sorry, but there's no way I can do that. 422 00:34:33,533 --> 00:34:35,534 Isn't there a way if you ask somebody? 423 00:34:35,535 --> 00:34:38,203 - If you explained this is an emergency. - I wish I could... 424 00:34:38,204 --> 00:34:40,789 They're sending a policeman over to the house to check on Kevin. 425 00:34:40,790 --> 00:34:45,210 - That's a relief. Everything here is booked. - There's nothing to Chicago? 426 00:34:45,211 --> 00:34:48,630 There's nothing to Chicago, New York, Nashville. You name it. Everything's gone. 427 00:34:48,631 --> 00:34:53,135 - What about a private plane? - No, I'm sorry. We don't do that. 428 00:34:53,136 --> 00:34:56,221 The only thing they have is a booking for all of us on Friday morning. 429 00:34:56,222 --> 00:34:58,557 Friday morning? That's two days away. 430 00:34:58,558 --> 00:35:01,143 Look, honey, the kids are exhausted. You are exhausted. 431 00:35:01,144 --> 00:35:03,896 There's absolutely nothing more we can do in this airport. 432 00:35:03,897 --> 00:35:08,066 I say we go to Rob's, we can call the police, and they can get back to us. 433 00:35:08,067 --> 00:35:11,987 Kevin is home all by himself. I'm not leaving here unless it's on an airplane. 434 00:35:11,988 --> 00:35:13,989 Madame, we are doing everything we can. 435 00:35:13,990 --> 00:35:18,035 If you want to stay at the airport, maybe we can get you on a standby. 436 00:35:18,036 --> 00:35:21,580 It is a possibility that a seat will open up. 437 00:35:21,581 --> 00:35:24,867 - Is that okay? - Yes. I'll wait. 438 00:35:29,756 --> 00:35:33,467 - Bye. I'll miss you. - Bye. 439 00:35:33,468 --> 00:35:36,553 - Find Kevin. 440 00:35:36,554 --> 00:35:38,597 Don't you get lost. 441 00:35:38,598 --> 00:35:40,849 Good-bye. 442 00:35:40,850 --> 00:35:42,969 Good-bye, Kate. 443 00:35:56,616 --> 00:36:00,244 I took a shower, washing every body part with actual soap... 444 00:36:00,245 --> 00:36:04,831 including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button... 445 00:36:04,832 --> 00:36:07,417 which I never did before, but sort of enjoyed. 446 00:36:07,418 --> 00:36:10,128 I washed my hair with adult-formula shampoo... 447 00:36:10,129 --> 00:36:13,423 and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. 448 00:36:13,424 --> 00:36:17,511 I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. 449 00:36:17,512 --> 00:36:19,756 Other than that, I'm in good shape. 450 00:36:53,923 --> 00:36:56,042 Whoa! 451 00:37:09,772 --> 00:37:13,184 All right! Buzz's life savings. 452 00:37:40,136 --> 00:37:43,214 I thought the Murphys went to Florida. 453 00:37:58,905 --> 00:38:02,574 You know, you're one of the great cat burglars of the world, Marv. 454 00:38:02,575 --> 00:38:04,775 You think you could keep it down a little in there? 455 00:38:05,245 --> 00:38:10,123 Hi, you've reached the Murphys. Please leave a message after you hear the beep. 456 00:38:10,124 --> 00:38:15,045 Chuck, this is Peter McCallister again, and we're still in Paris at my brother's apartment. 457 00:38:15,046 --> 00:38:18,257 Let me give you the number here, okay? The country code is 3-3. 458 00:38:18,258 --> 00:38:20,259 The area code is 1-4. 459 00:38:20,260 --> 00:38:24,596 - And the number is 694-8764. - Hey, Harry? 460 00:38:24,597 --> 00:38:25,415 Yeah? 461 00:38:25,416 --> 00:38:28,684 House we were at last night, was that the McCallisters? 462 00:38:28,685 --> 00:38:31,228 - Yeah. - Call me in Paris. 463 00:38:31,229 --> 00:38:33,973 You're right. They're gone. 464 00:38:37,193 --> 00:38:40,229 - I knew they were. - Silver tuna tonight. 465 00:38:42,198 --> 00:38:44,358 Wow. 466 00:38:49,289 --> 00:38:51,373 How may I help you? 467 00:38:51,374 --> 00:38:55,294 Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? 468 00:38:55,295 --> 00:38:58,213 Well, I don't know. 469 00:38:58,214 --> 00:39:02,168 - It doesn't say, hon. - Can you please find out? 470 00:39:04,971 --> 00:39:07,097 - Herb! - Yeah? 471 00:39:07,098 --> 00:39:11,094 I've got a question here about a toothbrush. 472 00:39:16,441 --> 00:39:20,819 Do you know, is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? 473 00:39:20,820 --> 00:39:22,939 I don't know. 474 00:39:43,593 --> 00:39:48,096 - Just tell him that... - Oh, hon, you pay for that here. 475 00:39:48,097 --> 00:39:50,098 Why don't you just tell him it's approved? 476 00:39:50,099 --> 00:39:53,519 Wait, son, you have to pay for that toothbrush. Son? 477 00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:55,604 Son! Hey! 478 00:39:55,605 --> 00:39:59,517 Jimmy! Stop that boy! 479 00:40:02,779 --> 00:40:06,274 Hey! Hey! 480 00:40:08,034 --> 00:40:09,986 Shoplifter! 481 00:40:13,039 --> 00:40:14,998 Hey! Hey, kid! 482 00:40:14,999 --> 00:40:17,709 Come back here! 483 00:40:17,710 --> 00:40:20,621 Watch it! 484 00:40:21,798 --> 00:40:23,715 Come back here! 485 00:40:23,716 --> 00:40:27,795 Stop it, will ya! Come here! 486 00:40:30,223 --> 00:40:32,592 Whoa! Whoa! 487 00:40:34,060 --> 00:40:37,597 Whoa! Whoa! 488 00:40:39,732 --> 00:40:42,560 Yeehaw! 489 00:41:06,217 --> 00:41:08,378 I'm a criminal. 490 00:41:35,371 --> 00:41:38,165 What's so funny? 491 00:41:38,166 --> 00:41:41,035 What's so funny? What are you laughin' at? 492 00:41:43,463 --> 00:41:45,547 You did it again, didn't you? 493 00:41:45,548 --> 00:41:48,300 You left the water runnin', didn't you? 494 00:41:48,301 --> 00:41:51,637 What's wrong with you? I told you not to do it. 495 00:41:51,638 --> 00:41:53,639 Harry, it's our calling card. 496 00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,475 - Calling card. - All the great ones leave their mark. 497 00:41:56,476 --> 00:41:58,477 We're the "Wet Bandits." 498 00:41:58,478 --> 00:42:01,438 You're sick, you know that? You're really sick. 499 00:42:01,439 --> 00:42:03,440 - I'm not sick. - Yes, you are. 500 00:42:03,441 --> 00:42:05,560 - I'm not sick! - That's a sick thing to do! 501 00:42:12,116 --> 00:42:14,827 - We don't need that heat. - Don't tell me what to do. 502 00:42:14,828 --> 00:42:16,245 I can do it if I want to. 503 00:42:16,246 --> 00:42:19,122 - You're sick. - I'm not sick. 504 00:42:19,123 --> 00:42:22,410 - Hey, watch out! 505 00:42:28,716 --> 00:42:32,427 Hey. Hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son, you know? 506 00:42:32,428 --> 00:42:34,930 - Sorry. - Damn. 507 00:42:34,931 --> 00:42:37,307 Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy. 508 00:42:37,308 --> 00:42:39,601 Okay, okay. 509 00:42:39,602 --> 00:42:43,097 Merry Christmas. 510 00:42:52,323 --> 00:42:55,784 - What's the matter? - I don't like the way that kid looked at me. 511 00:42:55,785 --> 00:42:57,786 - Did you see that? - You ever seen him before? 512 00:42:57,787 --> 00:43:00,622 I saw a hundred kids this week. 513 00:43:00,623 --> 00:43:03,284 Let's see what house he goes into. 514 00:43:34,741 --> 00:43:37,075 Why is he goin' faster? 515 00:43:37,076 --> 00:43:41,697 I told you something's wrong. I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run? 516 00:44:16,908 --> 00:44:21,078 - Maybe he went in the church. - I'm not goin' in there. 517 00:44:21,079 --> 00:44:24,031 - Me neither. - Ah, let's get out of here. 518 00:44:42,475 --> 00:44:45,803 When those guys come back, I'll be ready. 519 00:45:11,296 --> 00:45:14,040 - Did they come back? - From Paris? 520 00:45:49,542 --> 00:45:52,544 We'll come back tomorrow. Maybe they'll be gone by then. 521 00:45:52,545 --> 00:45:56,833 We'd better get out of here before somebody sees us. 522 00:46:25,370 --> 00:46:27,621 Attention! Attention! 523 00:46:27,622 --> 00:46:31,667 - Look what I have found in "ze" kitchen! - Frank, those are for later. 524 00:46:31,668 --> 00:46:33,828 Frank? 525 00:46:35,046 --> 00:46:39,007 Mes petites enfants, do you want a little shrimp, eh? 526 00:46:39,008 --> 00:46:42,344 Oper... Do you speak English? 527 00:46:42,345 --> 00:46:45,264 Parlez anglais? 528 00:46:45,265 --> 00:46:47,307 Is there... I mean... 529 00:46:47,308 --> 00:46:52,354 Est ce qui un person qui parle anglais? 530 00:46:52,355 --> 00:46:55,524 - Did you get anybody? - I'm looking for my son! Do you know where he is? 531 00:46:55,525 --> 00:47:00,946 I can't find anybody. They've all gone shopping. Nobody's home for the holidays. 532 00:47:00,947 --> 00:47:03,115 Never mind. Forget it. 533 00:47:03,116 --> 00:47:05,284 This is so pointless. 534 00:47:05,285 --> 00:47:09,121 - What? - We're here rotting in this apartment. 535 00:47:09,122 --> 00:47:11,415 Kevin's at home. Mom's at the airport. 536 00:47:11,416 --> 00:47:13,792 - So? - You're not at all worried about Kevin? 537 00:47:13,793 --> 00:47:15,794 Why should I be? 538 00:47:15,795 --> 00:47:19,464 He's acted like a jerk too many times, and this time he caught it in the butt. 539 00:47:19,465 --> 00:47:24,094 But he's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out? 540 00:47:24,095 --> 00:47:27,389 The little trout can use a couple of days in the real world. 541 00:47:27,390 --> 00:47:29,808 You're not worried that something might happen to him? 542 00:47:29,809 --> 00:47:32,394 No. For three reasons. 543 00:47:32,395 --> 00:47:35,147 I'm not that lucky. 544 00:47:35,148 --> 00:47:37,524 Two: We have smoke detectors. 545 00:47:37,525 --> 00:47:41,612 And "D": We live in the most boring street in the United States of America... 546 00:47:41,613 --> 00:47:46,192 where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen, period. 547 00:48:13,144 --> 00:48:16,647 - Who is it? - It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza. 548 00:48:16,648 --> 00:48:19,942 Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here. 549 00:48:19,943 --> 00:48:22,819 Okay. 550 00:48:22,820 --> 00:48:25,189 Um, well, what about the money? 551 00:48:26,199 --> 00:48:27,950 What money? 552 00:48:27,951 --> 00:48:31,453 Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir. 553 00:48:31,454 --> 00:48:33,789 Is that a fact? 554 00:48:33,790 --> 00:48:36,041 How much do I owe you? 555 00:48:36,042 --> 00:48:39,537 Uh, that'll be 11.80, sir. 556 00:48:45,718 --> 00:48:49,255 Keep the change, ya filthy animal. 557 00:48:50,932 --> 00:48:52,933 - Cheapskate. - Hey. 558 00:48:52,934 --> 00:48:56,854 I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly... 559 00:48:56,855 --> 00:49:00,232 yellow, no-good keister off my property... 560 00:49:00,233 --> 00:49:02,568 before I pump your guts full of lead. 561 00:49:02,569 --> 00:49:04,645 One, two, ten! 562 00:49:33,433 --> 00:49:36,636 A lovely cheese pizza just for me. 563 00:49:39,939 --> 00:49:42,308 To Dallas-Fort Worth. 564 00:49:45,528 --> 00:49:47,988 We have the $500, the pocket translator... 565 00:49:47,989 --> 00:49:50,782 the two first-class seats... that's an upgrade from your coach... 566 00:49:50,783 --> 00:49:54,703 - Is that a real Rolex? - Do you think it is? 567 00:49:54,704 --> 00:49:57,456 - No. - But who can tell? 568 00:49:57,457 --> 00:50:01,543 - I also have a ring. - That is beautiful! 569 00:50:01,544 --> 00:50:04,129 Come on. They're boarding. 570 00:50:04,130 --> 00:50:07,758 This gal has offered us two first-class tickets if we go Friday. 571 00:50:07,759 --> 00:50:11,386 Plus a ring, a watch, a pocket translator, $500 and... 572 00:50:11,387 --> 00:50:14,223 - The earrings. You love the earrings. - She's got her own earrings. 573 00:50:14,224 --> 00:50:16,975 A whole shoe box full of' em. Dangley ones. 574 00:50:16,976 --> 00:50:19,061 - Come on, come on. - No, but... 575 00:50:19,062 --> 00:50:21,146 I'm desperate. 576 00:50:21,147 --> 00:50:23,148 I'm begging you. 577 00:50:23,149 --> 00:50:26,769 From a mother to a mother, please. 578 00:50:28,071 --> 00:50:30,781 - Oh, Ed. - Please. 579 00:50:30,782 --> 00:50:33,651 Oh, all right. 580 00:50:39,123 --> 00:50:41,250 "Dear Santa Claus. I got a little sister last year. 581 00:50:41,251 --> 00:50:43,619 This year I'd rather have some clay dough." 582 00:50:57,517 --> 00:50:59,518 I didn't mean it. 583 00:50:59,519 --> 00:51:02,813 If you come back, I'll never be a pain in the butt again. 584 00:51:02,814 --> 00:51:05,975 I promise. Good night. 585 00:51:25,962 --> 00:51:29,332 ♪ I'm dreaming 586 00:51:29,382 --> 00:51:30,792 ♪ Of a white 587 00:51:31,676 --> 00:51:33,544 ♪ Christmas 588 00:51:33,928 --> 00:51:38,299 ♪ Just like the ones I used to know 589 00:51:40,310 --> 00:51:44,305 ♪ Where those treetops glisten 590 00:51:44,314 --> 00:51:48,142 ♪ And children listen 591 00:51:48,151 --> 00:51:53,398 ♪ To hear sleigh bells ♪ In the snow 592 00:51:53,948 --> 00:51:55,817 ♪ The snow 593 00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:49,461 Are those microwave dinners any good? 594 00:52:49,462 --> 00:52:52,999 - I don't know. - I'll give 'em a whirl. 595 00:52:57,720 --> 00:53:00,048 For the kids. 596 00:53:02,183 --> 00:53:04,893 Hold on. I got a coupon for that. 597 00:53:04,894 --> 00:53:07,764 It was in the paper this morning. 598 00:53:11,150 --> 00:53:14,187 - 19.83. - Okay. 599 00:53:17,490 --> 00:53:19,817 Are you here all by yourself? 600 00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:25,330 Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here alone? 601 00:53:25,331 --> 00:53:27,791 I don't think so. 602 00:53:27,792 --> 00:53:30,169 - Where's your mom? - My mom's in the car. 603 00:53:30,170 --> 00:53:32,671 - And where is your father? - He's at work. 604 00:53:32,672 --> 00:53:35,507 - What about your brothers and your sisters? - I'm an only child. 605 00:53:35,508 --> 00:53:38,135 - Where do you live? - I can't tell you that. 606 00:53:38,136 --> 00:53:41,339 - Why not? - 'Cause you're a stranger. 607 00:54:19,219 --> 00:54:23,214 Hello, Kevin! 608 00:54:24,307 --> 00:54:27,885 Shut up. 609 00:54:40,698 --> 00:54:42,699 I don't get it. 610 00:54:42,700 --> 00:54:45,494 I mean, right now it looks like there's nobody home. 611 00:54:45,495 --> 00:54:49,164 Last night the place is jumpin'. 612 00:54:49,165 --> 00:54:53,077 Somethin' ain't right. Go check it out. 613 00:55:01,469 --> 00:55:03,512 Now? 614 00:55:03,513 --> 00:55:05,514 No, tomorrow, egghead. Now! 615 00:55:05,515 --> 00:55:08,225 Go ahead! 616 00:55:08,226 --> 00:55:10,636 "Now?" 617 00:55:27,745 --> 00:55:30,323 Shit. 618 00:55:31,958 --> 00:55:34,960 - Get the hell outta here. - All right, Johnny. 619 00:55:34,961 --> 00:55:38,213 - But what about my money? - What money? 620 00:55:38,214 --> 00:55:41,008 Acey said you had some dough for me. 621 00:55:41,009 --> 00:55:45,971 - Is that a fact? How much do I owe you? - Acey said 10%. 622 00:55:45,972 --> 00:55:51,101 - Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more. - What do you mean? 623 00:55:51,102 --> 00:55:54,605 He's upstairs taking a bath. 624 00:55:54,606 --> 00:55:57,399 He'll call you when he gets out. 625 00:55:57,400 --> 00:55:59,401 Hey. 626 00:55:59,402 --> 00:56:02,487 I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. 627 00:56:02,488 --> 00:56:06,450 - Snakes? - I'm gonna give you to the count of 10... 628 00:56:06,451 --> 00:56:08,827 to get your ugly, yellow... 629 00:56:08,828 --> 00:56:13,373 no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. 630 00:56:13,374 --> 00:56:16,168 All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm goin'. 631 00:56:16,169 --> 00:56:19,330 One, two, ten! 632 00:56:38,358 --> 00:56:41,728 Keep the change, ya filthy animal. 633 00:56:45,532 --> 00:56:46,433 What happened? 634 00:56:46,434 --> 00:56:49,993 I don't know who's in there, but somebody just got blown away! 635 00:56:49,994 --> 00:56:50,520 - Huh? 636 00:56:50,521 --> 00:56:52,621 Somebody beat us to the job. They're in there! 637 00:56:52,622 --> 00:56:56,708 Two of' em. They was arguing. One of' em blew the other one away. 638 00:56:56,709 --> 00:56:58,502 - Who? - I don't know. 639 00:56:58,503 --> 00:57:01,046 I thought I recognized one of their voices. 640 00:57:01,047 --> 00:57:04,341 And I know I heard that name Snakes before. 641 00:57:04,342 --> 00:57:06,969 Snakes? Snakes, Snakes. 642 00:57:06,970 --> 00:57:09,179 - I don't know no Snakes. - Snakes. 643 00:57:09,180 --> 00:57:11,924 Let's get out of here. 644 00:57:14,143 --> 00:57:16,895 Hold it, hold it. Let's wait and see who it is. 645 00:57:16,896 --> 00:57:18,897 We work this neighborhood too. 646 00:57:18,898 --> 00:57:21,817 - Yeah. - Supposin' the cops finger us for a job... 647 00:57:21,818 --> 00:57:24,903 and they start asking us questions about a murder in the area. 648 00:57:24,904 --> 00:57:28,232 Wouldn't it be nice to have a face to go with their questions? 649 00:57:29,909 --> 00:57:31,994 That's a good idea. 650 00:57:31,995 --> 00:57:35,539 Of course it's a good idea. Snakes? 651 00:57:35,540 --> 00:57:38,618 He sounded like a snake. 652 00:57:42,505 --> 00:57:45,716 Everything's full. 653 00:57:45,717 --> 00:57:47,718 Everything's full? 654 00:57:47,719 --> 00:57:50,053 I'm very sorry, but it is Christmas Eve. 655 00:57:50,054 --> 00:57:52,382 What about another airline? 656 00:57:57,604 --> 00:58:00,689 Nothing available. May I help you get a hotel room in the city? 657 00:58:00,690 --> 00:58:03,009 Tomorrow afternoon we can get you a flight to Chicago. 658 00:58:03,010 --> 00:58:04,276 I can't wait that long. 659 00:58:04,277 --> 00:58:08,898 I'm terribly sorry, ma'am, but we're doing absolutely everything we can. 660 00:58:12,869 --> 00:58:16,079 Go ahead. I'm in your way. You have places to go, people to see. 661 00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:19,541 You got a ticket there. That's good. Excuse me. Look. 662 00:58:19,542 --> 00:58:23,629 I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I'm tired and I'm dirty. 663 00:58:23,630 --> 00:58:28,217 I have been from Chicago to Paris to Dallas to... Where the hell am I? 664 00:58:28,218 --> 00:58:30,302 Scranton. 665 00:58:30,303 --> 00:58:33,096 I am trying to get home to my eight-year-old son! 666 00:58:33,097 --> 00:58:36,600 And now that I'm this close, you're telling me it's hopeless? 667 00:58:36,601 --> 00:58:40,312 - I'm sorry. - No. No, no, no, no way. This is Christmas! 668 00:58:40,313 --> 00:58:42,314 The season of perpetual hope! 669 00:58:42,315 --> 00:58:43,131 Ma'am, if I... 670 00:58:43,132 --> 00:58:46,235 If I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike... 671 00:58:46,236 --> 00:58:48,278 if it costs me everything I own... 672 00:58:48,279 --> 00:58:51,240 if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself... 673 00:58:51,241 --> 00:58:54,493 I am going to get home to my son. 674 00:58:54,494 --> 00:58:57,822 Ma'am, if there was anything at all I could do for you today... 675 00:58:57,823 --> 00:58:58,747 Do it. 676 00:58:58,748 --> 00:59:01,458 - Do anything. - I can get you a hotel room. 677 00:59:01,459 --> 00:59:03,961 - What? - Excuse me. 678 00:59:03,962 --> 00:59:09,800 Can you excuse us for a second? Can I see you for a second? Please. Excuse us. Come. 679 00:59:09,801 --> 00:59:13,095 Couldn't help but hearin' you got a little bit of a dilemma there. 680 00:59:13,096 --> 00:59:15,806 We got a crisis ourselves. 681 00:59:15,807 --> 00:59:19,351 Allow me to introduce myself. Gus Polinski. How are you? 682 00:59:19,352 --> 00:59:22,972 Polka king of the Midwest? 683 00:59:25,650 --> 00:59:28,485 The Kenosha Kickers? 684 00:59:28,486 --> 00:59:30,279 - Hi there. - Hiya. 685 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:33,198 No? That's okay. I thought you might've recognized... 686 00:59:33,199 --> 00:59:36,243 Anyways, uh, I had a few hits a few years ago. 687 00:59:36,244 --> 00:59:39,739 Uh, that's why, you know... "Polka, Polka, Polka"? 688 00:59:42,125 --> 00:59:44,209 No? "Twin Lakes Polka." 689 00:59:44,210 --> 00:59:47,796 "Yamahoozie Polka," a.k.a. "Kiss Me Polka." 690 00:59:47,797 --> 00:59:50,507 - "Polka Twist." - These are songs? 691 00:59:50,508 --> 00:59:54,011 Yeah. Yeah. We... Some fairly big hits for us. 692 00:59:54,012 --> 00:59:56,722 - You know, in the early '70s, you know? - Oh. 693 00:59:56,723 --> 00:59:59,474 Yeah, we sold about 623 copies of that. 694 00:59:59,475 --> 01:00:02,186 - In Chicago? - No. Sheboygan. Very big in Sheboygan. 695 01:00:02,187 --> 01:00:04,479 I'm sorry. Did you say you could help me? 696 01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:06,690 Anyway, I'm rambling on here. 697 01:00:06,691 --> 01:00:09,860 Our flight was canceled, so we gotta drive. 698 01:00:09,861 --> 01:00:13,530 So, uh, see the guy in the yellow jacket over there by the Budget sign? 699 01:00:13,531 --> 01:00:17,367 He's gonna rent us a nice big, uh, van, and we're gonna drive to Milwaukee. 700 01:00:17,368 --> 01:00:21,788 I heard you had some problems here, uh, gettin' to Chicago to see your kid or somethin'? 701 01:00:21,789 --> 01:00:26,001 Uh, my son. He... We left and he's there. 702 01:00:26,002 --> 01:00:30,214 Aw, geez. If you have to get to Chicago, we'll gladly drive you. 703 01:00:30,215 --> 01:00:32,549 It's on the way to Milwaukee. 704 01:00:32,550 --> 01:00:35,302 - You'd give me a ride? - Sure we will. Why not, you know? 705 01:00:35,303 --> 01:00:37,930 - You gotta get home and see your kid. - A ride to Chicago? 706 01:00:37,931 --> 01:00:39,890 Sure. You know, it's Christmastime. 707 01:00:39,891 --> 01:00:42,559 Thank you. Oh, thank you. 708 01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:44,937 If you don't mind goin' with some polka bums. 709 01:00:44,938 --> 01:00:47,056 No, I'd love to. 710 01:01:08,586 --> 01:01:11,588 - Hey, Marv, Marv, Marv. - What? 711 01:01:11,589 --> 01:01:14,250 Look at this. 712 01:01:18,596 --> 01:01:23,176 I think we're gettin' scammed by a "kindygartener." 713 01:01:53,089 --> 01:01:55,833 Dad, can you come here and help me? 714 01:02:00,138 --> 01:02:04,474 Remember that kid we saw the other day? He lives here. 715 01:02:04,475 --> 01:02:07,477 Well, if the kid's there, the parents gotta be. 716 01:02:07,478 --> 01:02:10,264 He's home alone. 717 01:02:17,947 --> 01:02:20,365 You gotta be kiddin'. You wanna come back tonight? 718 01:02:20,366 --> 01:02:22,367 - Uh-huh. - Even with the kid here? 719 01:02:22,368 --> 01:02:24,620 - Uh-huh. - I don't think that's a good idea. 720 01:02:24,621 --> 01:02:28,165 That house is the only reason we started workin' this block in the first place. 721 01:02:28,166 --> 01:02:31,001 Ever since I laid eyes on that house, I wanted it. 722 01:02:31,002 --> 01:02:33,462 So let's take it one step at a time, okay? 723 01:02:33,463 --> 01:02:37,049 We'll unload the van. We'll get a bite to eat. We'll come back about 9:00. 724 01:02:37,050 --> 01:02:40,052 - This way it's dark then. 725 01:02:40,053 --> 01:02:43,305 Yeah. Kids are scared of the dark. 726 01:02:43,306 --> 01:02:46,225 You're afraid of the dark too, Marv. You know you are. 727 01:02:46,226 --> 01:02:49,019 No, I'm not! 728 01:02:49,020 --> 01:02:51,647 - Yes, you are. - I'm not, not, not. 729 01:02:51,648 --> 01:02:56,060 - You are so. - Mom, where are you? 730 01:03:09,249 --> 01:03:11,250 Do you play? 731 01:03:11,251 --> 01:03:13,418 You want to try it? Go ahead. Try it. 732 01:03:13,419 --> 01:03:15,796 - Try it. Try it. - No. 733 01:03:15,797 --> 01:03:18,041 Okay. 734 01:03:42,073 --> 01:03:45,617 - Excuse me. - Yeah? 735 01:03:45,618 --> 01:03:49,705 - Hey, nice shoes. - Oh, thanks. 736 01:03:49,706 --> 01:03:53,417 Is he still here? It's really important that I see him. 737 01:03:53,418 --> 01:03:58,797 He's getting in his car. I guess if you hurry, you can catch him. 738 01:03:58,798 --> 01:04:03,385 Damn! How low can you get? Givin' Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve. 739 01:04:03,386 --> 01:04:06,597 What's next? Rabies shots for the Easter Bunny? 740 01:04:06,598 --> 01:04:09,266 Santa, hold on! 741 01:04:09,267 --> 01:04:11,476 Can I talk to you for a minute? 742 01:04:11,477 --> 01:04:14,605 If you make it quick. Santa's got a little get-together he's late for. 743 01:04:14,606 --> 01:04:16,607 Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus. 744 01:04:16,608 --> 01:04:20,611 What makes you say that? Just out of curiosity. 745 01:04:20,612 --> 01:04:23,322 I'm old enough to know how it works. 746 01:04:23,323 --> 01:04:26,491 - All right. - But I also know that you work for him. 747 01:04:26,492 --> 01:04:29,620 - And I'd like you to give him a message. - Shoot. 748 01:04:29,621 --> 01:04:33,832 I'm Kevin McCallister, 671 Lincoln Boulevard. 749 01:04:33,833 --> 01:04:36,627 - Do you need the phone number? - No, that's all right. 750 01:04:36,628 --> 01:04:38,921 Okay. This is extremely important. 751 01:04:38,922 --> 01:04:43,800 Would you please tell him that, instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. 752 01:04:43,801 --> 01:04:48,805 No toys. Nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. 753 01:04:48,806 --> 01:04:51,141 And my aunt and my cousins. 754 01:04:51,142 --> 01:04:54,512 And, if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay? 755 01:04:56,022 --> 01:04:59,316 Okay. I'll see what I can do. 756 01:04:59,317 --> 01:05:02,319 - Thanks. - Wait. Hold on a second. 757 01:05:02,320 --> 01:05:05,572 My elf took the last of the candy canes home to her boyfriend. 758 01:05:05,573 --> 01:05:07,699 - That's okay. - No, no, no. Don't be silly. 759 01:05:07,700 --> 01:05:10,827 Everybody who sees Santa has gotta get... somethin'. 760 01:05:10,828 --> 01:05:13,121 Here. Hold out your little paw there. 761 01:05:13,122 --> 01:05:16,333 There you go. Don't spoil your dinner. 762 01:05:16,334 --> 01:05:19,120 I won't. Thanks. 763 01:05:29,848 --> 01:05:32,592 Son of a... 764 01:08:28,568 --> 01:08:30,903 Merry Christmas. 765 01:08:30,904 --> 01:08:32,487 Huh? 766 01:08:32,488 --> 01:08:34,732 May I sit down? 767 01:08:45,001 --> 01:08:49,706 That's my granddaughter up there. The little red-haired girl. 768 01:08:51,716 --> 01:08:53,509 She's about your age. 769 01:08:53,510 --> 01:08:55,844 - Do you know her? - No. 770 01:08:55,845 --> 01:08:59,014 - You live next to me, don't you? - Yeah. 771 01:08:59,015 --> 01:09:03,560 You can say hello when you see me. You don't have to be afraid. 772 01:09:03,561 --> 01:09:07,564 There's a lot of things going around about me, but none of it's true. 773 01:09:07,565 --> 01:09:09,566 Okay? 774 01:09:09,567 --> 01:09:11,902 - You been a good boy this year? - I think so. 775 01:09:11,903 --> 01:09:14,071 Swear to it? 776 01:09:14,072 --> 01:09:16,907 - No. - Yeah, I had a feeling. 777 01:09:16,908 --> 01:09:20,118 Well, this is the place to be if you're feeling bad about yourself. 778 01:09:20,119 --> 01:09:23,121 - It is? - I think so. 779 01:09:23,122 --> 01:09:26,034 - Are you feeling bad about yourself? - No. 780 01:09:30,088 --> 01:09:32,422 I've been kind of a pain lately. 781 01:09:32,423 --> 01:09:34,925 I said some things I shouldn't have. 782 01:09:34,926 --> 01:09:38,303 I really haven't been too good this year. 783 01:09:38,304 --> 01:09:41,265 - Yeah. - I'm kind of upset about it... 784 01:09:41,266 --> 01:09:43,517 because I really like my family. 785 01:09:43,518 --> 01:09:46,144 Even though sometimes I say I don't. 786 01:09:46,145 --> 01:09:49,648 Sometimes I even think I don't. Do you get that? 787 01:09:49,649 --> 01:09:54,278 I think so. How you feel about your family is a complicated thing. 788 01:09:54,279 --> 01:09:57,865 Especially with an older brother. 789 01:09:57,866 --> 01:10:02,244 Deep down you always love 'em, but you can forget that you love 'em. 790 01:10:02,245 --> 01:10:05,038 And you can hurt them, and they can hurt you. 791 01:10:05,039 --> 01:10:08,876 And that's not just because you're young. 792 01:10:08,877 --> 01:10:12,212 You want to know the real reason that I'm here right now? 793 01:10:12,213 --> 01:10:14,214 Sure. 794 01:10:14,215 --> 01:10:17,968 I came to hear my granddaughter sing, and I can't come and hear her tonight. 795 01:10:17,969 --> 01:10:23,682 - You have plans? - No. I'm not welcome. 796 01:10:23,683 --> 01:10:27,644 - At church? - Oh, you're always welcome at church. 797 01:10:27,645 --> 01:10:30,147 I'm not welcome with my son. 798 01:10:30,148 --> 01:10:34,943 Years back, before you and your family moved on the block... 799 01:10:34,944 --> 01:10:37,529 I had an argument with my son. 800 01:10:37,530 --> 01:10:41,867 - How old is he? - Oh, he's grown up. 801 01:10:41,868 --> 01:10:44,620 We lost our tempers... 802 01:10:44,621 --> 01:10:47,664 and I said I didn't care to see him anymore. 803 01:10:47,665 --> 01:10:52,669 He said the same, and we haven't spoken to each other since. 804 01:10:52,670 --> 01:10:55,631 If you miss him, why don't you call him? 805 01:10:55,632 --> 01:10:58,425 I'm afraid if I call him, he won't talk to me. 806 01:10:58,426 --> 01:11:00,719 How do you know? 807 01:11:00,720 --> 01:11:03,847 I don't know. I'm just afraid he won't. 808 01:11:03,848 --> 01:11:07,643 No offense, but aren't you a little old to be afraid? 809 01:11:07,644 --> 01:11:11,271 You can be a little old for a lot of things. 810 01:11:11,272 --> 01:11:13,607 You're never too old to be afraid. 811 01:11:13,608 --> 01:11:16,485 That's true. I've always been afraid of our basement. 812 01:11:16,486 --> 01:11:20,030 It's dark, there's weird stuff down there, and it smells funny. 813 01:11:20,031 --> 01:11:23,534 That sort of thing. It's bothered me for years. 814 01:11:23,535 --> 01:11:26,036 Basements are like that. 815 01:11:26,037 --> 01:11:29,039 Then I made myself go down there to do some laundry... 816 01:11:29,040 --> 01:11:31,124 and I found out it's not so bad. 817 01:11:31,125 --> 01:11:33,544 All this time I've been worrying about it... 818 01:11:33,545 --> 01:11:35,879 but if you turn on the lights, it's no big deal. 819 01:11:35,880 --> 01:11:40,425 - What's your point? - My point is you should call your son. 820 01:11:40,426 --> 01:11:42,594 What if he won't talk to me? 821 01:11:42,595 --> 01:11:46,056 At least you'll know. Then you could stop worrying about it... 822 01:11:46,057 --> 01:11:48,725 and you won't have to be afraid anymore. 823 01:11:48,726 --> 01:11:52,396 I don't care how mad I was, I'd talk to my dad... 824 01:11:52,397 --> 01:11:54,398 especially around the holidays. 825 01:11:54,399 --> 01:11:57,651 I don't know. 826 01:11:57,652 --> 01:12:00,904 Just give it a shot. For your granddaughter anyway. 827 01:12:00,905 --> 01:12:04,408 I'm sure she misses you... and the presents. 828 01:12:04,409 --> 01:12:06,368 I send her a check. 829 01:12:06,369 --> 01:12:10,747 I wish my grandparents sent that. They always send me clothes. 830 01:12:10,748 --> 01:12:13,750 Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it. 831 01:12:13,751 --> 01:12:17,129 - Oh, that's nice. - Not for a guy in the second grade. 832 01:12:17,130 --> 01:12:20,215 You can get beat up for wearing something like that. 833 01:12:20,216 --> 01:12:22,426 - Oh? - Yeah. 834 01:12:22,427 --> 01:12:26,638 I have a friend who got nailed 'cause there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas. 835 01:12:26,639 --> 01:12:30,058 You'd better run along home where you belong. 836 01:12:30,059 --> 01:12:32,060 You think about what I said. 837 01:12:32,061 --> 01:12:33,937 - All right? - Okay. 838 01:12:33,938 --> 01:12:38,017 - It was nice talking to you. - Nice talking to you. 839 01:12:43,740 --> 01:12:47,117 - What about you? - Me? 840 01:12:47,118 --> 01:12:49,244 Yeah. You and your son. 841 01:12:49,245 --> 01:12:52,623 We'll see what happens. 842 01:12:52,624 --> 01:12:55,667 Merry Christmas. 843 01:12:55,668 --> 01:12:57,787 Merry Christmas. 844 01:13:50,348 --> 01:13:54,552 This is my house. I have to defend it. 845 01:15:21,940 --> 01:15:26,018 Okay, we'll check it out first. We can always come back for the truck. 846 01:15:32,450 --> 01:15:34,785 How do you wanna go in? 847 01:15:34,786 --> 01:15:38,330 We'll go to the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know. 848 01:15:38,331 --> 01:15:41,993 Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid. 849 01:15:43,837 --> 01:15:47,840 Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner... 850 01:15:47,841 --> 01:15:49,967 and the people who sold it on sale. 851 01:15:49,968 --> 01:15:52,086 Amen. 852 01:16:15,743 --> 01:16:18,821 This is it. Don't get scared now. 853 01:16:31,926 --> 01:16:34,511 Merry Christmas, little fella. 854 01:16:34,512 --> 01:16:37,181 We know that you're in there... 855 01:16:37,182 --> 01:16:40,184 and that you're all alone. 856 01:16:40,185 --> 01:16:42,895 Yeah, come on, kid. Open up. 857 01:16:42,896 --> 01:16:46,641 It's Santa Claus and his elf. 858 01:16:47,859 --> 01:16:50,194 We're not gonna hurt you. 859 01:16:50,195 --> 01:16:54,239 No, no. We got some nice presents for you. 860 01:16:54,240 --> 01:16:57,902 Be a good little fella now and open the door. 861 01:17:00,622 --> 01:17:03,498 Shoot! 862 01:17:03,499 --> 01:17:07,377 What? What? What? 863 01:17:07,378 --> 01:17:10,506 What? What happened? 864 01:17:10,507 --> 01:17:14,252 Get that little... 865 01:17:23,394 --> 01:17:25,763 Hello. 866 01:17:30,902 --> 01:17:33,445 Yes! Yes! 867 01:17:33,446 --> 01:17:35,614 The little jerk is armed! 868 01:17:35,615 --> 01:17:39,618 That's it! That's it! I'm goin' around the front! You go down the basement! 869 01:17:39,619 --> 01:17:42,280 That little... 870 01:18:18,366 --> 01:18:20,610 Ow! 871 01:18:42,056 --> 01:18:44,467 That smart aleck. 872 01:20:12,021 --> 01:20:17,067 Oh, boy, that's it, you little... you little son of a... 873 01:20:17,068 --> 01:20:20,229 Oh, not this time, you little brat. 874 01:20:23,616 --> 01:20:26,201 You little creep, you, where are you? 875 01:20:26,202 --> 01:20:30,573 Where are you, you little creep? 876 01:20:50,101 --> 01:20:54,222 Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes! 877 01:21:24,761 --> 01:21:27,755 I'll rip his head off! 878 01:21:33,811 --> 01:21:38,725 You're dead, kid. 879 01:22:25,572 --> 01:22:28,900 Where are you, you little creep? 880 01:22:44,048 --> 01:22:47,877 Harry! I'm comin' in! 881 01:22:52,307 --> 01:22:54,808 Oh, no, I'm really scared! 882 01:22:54,809 --> 01:22:57,561 It's too late for you, kid. We're already in the house. 883 01:22:57,562 --> 01:23:01,732 - We're gonna get you! - Okay. Come and get me. 884 01:23:01,733 --> 01:23:04,477 Why, you... 885 01:23:08,740 --> 01:23:11,401 Now you're dead! 886 01:23:35,475 --> 01:23:38,177 I'm gonna kill that kid! 887 01:23:52,450 --> 01:23:55,619 - Marv! - Harry? 888 01:23:55,620 --> 01:23:57,746 Why the hell'd you take your shoes off? 889 01:23:57,747 --> 01:24:01,075 Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken? 890 01:24:02,293 --> 01:24:06,247 I'm up here, you morons! Come and get me! 891 01:24:08,258 --> 01:24:12,128 You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more? 892 01:24:21,646 --> 01:24:24,189 - Heads up! - Huh? 893 01:24:24,190 --> 01:24:27,484 Don't worry, Marv. I'll get him for you. 894 01:24:27,485 --> 01:24:31,113 Ow! 895 01:24:31,114 --> 01:24:34,692 Yes! 896 01:24:38,663 --> 01:24:41,498 He's only a kid, Harry. We can take him. 897 01:24:41,499 --> 01:24:43,584 - Aw, shut up, will ya! - Oh! 898 01:24:43,585 --> 01:24:46,670 - What is it? - You're missin' some teeth. 899 01:24:46,671 --> 01:24:51,008 Where? It's my gold tooth. My gold tooth! I'll kill him! 900 01:24:51,009 --> 01:24:54,511 I'll kill him! 901 01:24:54,512 --> 01:24:57,389 You bomb me with one more can, kid... 902 01:24:57,390 --> 01:25:01,761 and I'll snap off your cojones and boil them in motor oil! 903 01:25:04,022 --> 01:25:06,231 911 Emergency. 904 01:25:06,232 --> 01:25:09,067 Help. My house is being robbed. 905 01:25:09,068 --> 01:25:13,856 My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard. My name's Murphy. 906 01:25:16,367 --> 01:25:19,036 Watch it. You never know what's up there. 907 01:25:19,037 --> 01:25:22,115 There he is! 908 01:25:23,041 --> 01:25:26,251 Ah! I got ya! 909 01:25:26,252 --> 01:25:29,713 I got him, Harry! Harry, I got him! 910 01:25:29,714 --> 01:25:32,883 Harry, get up! Give me a hand! 911 01:25:32,884 --> 01:25:37,179 Ow! I got him! 912 01:25:37,180 --> 01:25:40,766 Harry, help me! Get up! 913 01:25:40,767 --> 01:25:43,720 I got him! 914 01:26:22,058 --> 01:26:26,979 - What are you doing, Marv? - Harry, don't move. 915 01:26:26,980 --> 01:26:31,066 - Marv? - Don't... move! 916 01:26:31,067 --> 01:26:34,562 Marv, what are you doing? Marv... 917 01:26:37,448 --> 01:26:41,118 Did I get him? Did I get him? 918 01:26:41,119 --> 01:26:43,579 Where is it? Where is it? 919 01:26:43,580 --> 01:26:46,832 Never mind did you get it! How do you like it? Huh? 920 01:26:46,833 --> 01:26:50,828 You jerk! Get that kid! Go on! Get the kid! 921 01:26:54,007 --> 01:26:57,509 Whoa! Whoa! 922 01:26:57,510 --> 01:27:01,096 Whoa! Whoa! 923 01:27:01,097 --> 01:27:04,425 Whoa! Whoa! 924 01:27:16,779 --> 01:27:18,989 Where'd he go? 925 01:27:18,990 --> 01:27:21,158 Maybe he committed suicide. 926 01:27:21,159 --> 01:27:23,368 Down here, you big horse's ass! 927 01:27:23,369 --> 01:27:26,455 Come and get me before I call the police! 928 01:27:26,456 --> 01:27:28,707 - Let's get him! - Wait. Wait. 929 01:27:28,708 --> 01:27:30,792 That's just what he wants us to do... 930 01:27:30,793 --> 01:27:34,379 us to go back downstairs through his fun house so we get all tore up. 931 01:27:34,380 --> 01:27:37,674 - He's gonna call the cops! - He's not callin' the... From a tree house? 932 01:27:37,675 --> 01:27:39,676 Come on. 933 01:27:39,677 --> 01:27:42,054 - Out the window? - Yeah. 934 01:27:42,055 --> 01:27:44,848 - I'm not goin' out the window. - Why? Are you scared, Marv? 935 01:27:44,849 --> 01:27:47,635 Are you afraid? Come on. Get out here. 936 01:27:52,023 --> 01:27:54,142 Come on. 937 01:27:57,529 --> 01:27:58,273 Come on! 938 01:28:05,870 --> 01:28:08,539 Come on. Keep goin'. Keep goin'. 939 01:28:08,540 --> 01:28:11,583 - Let's go back, Harry. - Shut up! 940 01:28:11,584 --> 01:28:14,920 Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. 941 01:28:14,921 --> 01:28:17,957 Shut it, Marv! 942 01:28:20,218 --> 01:28:23,220 Hey, guys, check this out. 943 01:28:23,221 --> 01:28:26,098 Go back! Go back! 944 01:28:26,099 --> 01:28:27,800 - Go back. - Okay. 945 01:28:51,875 --> 01:28:57,038 There he goes! There he is! Get out of the way, you dope! 946 01:29:14,439 --> 01:29:19,276 - There he is! - Hey, I'm calling the cops. 947 01:29:19,277 --> 01:29:22,279 Wait, wait, wait, wait. He wants us to follow him. 948 01:29:22,280 --> 01:29:24,607 I got a better idea. Come on. 949 01:29:41,341 --> 01:29:45,802 Hiya, pal. We outsmarted you this time. 950 01:29:45,803 --> 01:29:48,965 Get over here! 951 01:29:52,310 --> 01:29:54,436 What are we gonna do to him, Harry? 952 01:29:54,437 --> 01:29:58,941 We'll do exactly what he did to us. I'm gonna burn his head with a blowtorch. 953 01:29:58,942 --> 01:30:01,151 Then we can smash his face with an iron! 954 01:30:01,152 --> 01:30:05,155 I'd like to slap him right in the face with a paint can maybe. 955 01:30:05,156 --> 01:30:07,783 Or shove a nail through his foot. 956 01:30:07,784 --> 01:30:11,237 I'm gonna bite off every one of these little fingers one at a time. 957 01:30:19,629 --> 01:30:23,166 Come on. Let's get you home. 958 01:30:44,696 --> 01:30:49,067 Wow. This is great. 959 01:30:51,536 --> 01:30:54,496 Nice move... always leaving the water running. 960 01:30:54,497 --> 01:30:57,909 Now we know each and every house that you've hit. 961 01:31:00,670 --> 01:31:04,423 Hey, you know, we've been looking for you two guys for a long time. 962 01:31:04,424 --> 01:31:07,509 - Yeah. - Well, remember, we're the Wet Bandits. 963 01:31:07,510 --> 01:31:11,722 - Wet Bandits. W-E-T... - Shut up! Get in the car! 964 01:31:11,723 --> 01:31:14,683 Hey, come on. Come on. 965 01:31:14,684 --> 01:31:17,220 - Hands off the head, pal! - Come on! 966 01:32:12,742 --> 01:32:15,410 I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent. 967 01:32:15,411 --> 01:32:18,455 You're not. You know, you're beating yourself up there, you know. 968 01:32:18,456 --> 01:32:21,124 Come on. This happens. These things happen. You know, you... 969 01:32:21,125 --> 01:32:24,628 Gee, you wanna talk about bad parents? Look at... Look at us. 970 01:32:24,629 --> 01:32:29,132 I mean, we're on the road 48, 49 weeks out of the year. We hardly see our families. 971 01:32:29,133 --> 01:32:32,636 Uh, Joe over there... Gosh, you know, he... 972 01:32:32,637 --> 01:32:35,472 He forgets his kids' names half the time. 973 01:32:35,473 --> 01:32:39,309 Ziggy over there... He doesn't even... He's never even met his kid. 974 01:32:39,310 --> 01:32:43,105 Eddie... Let's just hope none of them write a book about him. 975 01:32:43,106 --> 01:32:48,144 Tell me, have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home? 976 01:32:50,822 --> 01:32:52,990 No. 977 01:32:52,991 --> 01:32:56,535 But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. 978 01:32:56,536 --> 01:32:58,829 Yeah, it was... it was terrible too. 979 01:32:58,830 --> 01:33:02,249 You know, I was all distraught and everything. You know, the wife and I... 980 01:33:02,250 --> 01:33:06,336 we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. 981 01:33:06,337 --> 01:33:10,340 All day. You know, and we went back at night when we came to our senses. 982 01:33:10,341 --> 01:33:13,969 And there he was. Apparently he was there alone all day with a corpse. 983 01:33:13,970 --> 01:33:16,680 - Oh! - Whew, yeah. He was okay, you know. 984 01:33:16,681 --> 01:33:21,685 After six, seven weeks, you know, he came around and started talking again. 985 01:33:21,686 --> 01:33:26,231 But he's okay. You know, they get over it. Kids are resilient like that. 986 01:33:26,232 --> 01:33:29,067 - Maybe we shouldn't talk about this. - Well, you brought it up. 987 01:33:29,068 --> 01:33:32,313 - I was just trying to cheer you up. - Well, I'm sorry I did. 988 01:33:58,014 --> 01:34:00,091 Mom? 989 01:34:04,479 --> 01:34:06,556 Mom? 990 01:34:09,776 --> 01:34:12,729 Mom? 991 01:34:58,283 --> 01:35:02,528 Kevin? Kevin! 992 01:35:33,318 --> 01:35:35,812 Merry Christmas, sweetheart. 993 01:35:44,829 --> 01:35:47,740 Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry. 994 01:36:07,101 --> 01:36:09,353 Where is everybody else? 995 01:36:09,354 --> 01:36:13,524 Oh, baby, they couldn't come. They wanted to so much, but... 996 01:36:13,525 --> 01:36:18,195 I didn't fall asleep in the back of the cab and drool all over you, did I? 997 01:36:18,196 --> 01:36:20,572 - I don't drool. - You guys, would you shut up! 998 01:36:20,573 --> 01:36:24,034 Come on, you guys, it's Christmas. Kevin! Kevin, Kevin, my boy! 999 01:36:24,035 --> 01:36:26,036 - Oh, my God! - Kevin, how are ya? 1000 01:36:26,037 --> 01:36:28,038 - Merry Christmas. - Hi, Mom. 1001 01:36:28,039 --> 01:36:30,874 Good to see you. Ah, you're all right. I love you. You okay? 1002 01:36:30,875 --> 01:36:33,703 - Yeah. - Hey, Kev. 1003 01:36:35,588 --> 01:36:39,258 It's pretty cool that you didn't burn the place down. 1004 01:36:39,259 --> 01:36:43,178 Thanks, Buzz. 1005 01:36:43,179 --> 01:36:46,181 Wait a minute. How did you guys get home? 1006 01:36:46,182 --> 01:36:49,601 Oh, we took the morning flight. Remember? The one you didn't want to wait for. 1007 01:36:49,602 --> 01:36:52,396 Oh, no. Oh, thank you. 1008 01:36:52,397 --> 01:36:54,398 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 1009 01:36:54,399 --> 01:36:56,981 Someone has to find an open store. We don't have milk. 1010 01:36:56,982 --> 01:36:58,669 I went shopping yesterday. 1011 01:37:00,864 --> 01:37:02,739 You? Shopping? 1012 01:37:02,740 --> 01:37:05,860 I got some milk, eggs and fabric softener. 1013 01:37:07,203 --> 01:37:09,663 - What? - No kiddin'? 1014 01:37:09,664 --> 01:37:13,876 What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away? 1015 01:37:13,877 --> 01:37:16,954 Just hung around. 1016 01:37:19,591 --> 01:37:21,842 You guys, put the stuff upstairs. 1017 01:37:21,843 --> 01:37:25,762 You went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe, and he's going shopping? 1018 01:37:25,763 --> 01:37:28,716 - Buzz, forget it. - This is not the Kevin I knew. 1019 01:37:51,956 --> 01:37:54,492 Honey, what's this? 1020 01:38:51,933 --> 01:38:55,762 Kevin! What did you do to my room?76213

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