All language subtitles for laid.us.s01e03.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab_track3_[eng]

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic Download
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian Download
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional) Download
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian Download
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal) Download
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian Download
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:10,309 - I did it. - [gasps] 2 00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:11,577 No. 3 00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:14,346 I told you chore charts cause more drama than they prevent. 4 00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:16,081 - That's not what this is. 5 00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,217 This is a timeline 6 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,819 of everyone you have ever had sex with, 7 00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:23,155 {\an8}in order, along with everything you ever said about them, 8 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:25,290 {\an8}the sex you had, quality, quantity, 9 00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:26,425 {\an8}location, and how they died, 10 00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:27,860 {\an8}if they're dead, except for Brandon. 11 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,294 {\an8}Medical examiner is staying 12 00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:31,563 {\an8}real tight-lipped about that one. 13 00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:33,165 - Jesus. 14 00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:35,501 But wait, how did you-- - How did I do all this? 15 00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:37,603 Well, I searched our text thread for the eggplant emoji 16 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:40,172 and also peanut, oyster, peach, and taco to cover all my bases. 17 00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:41,440 - Oh, my God. - I keep every text 18 00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:43,242 I send or receive, and this is why. 19 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:44,777 Ta-fucking-da. I stayed up all night working on it. 20 00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,545 - And clearly went to Staples. - And went to Staples 21 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,447 when they opened at 8:00 a.m., yes. 22 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,315 Now we finally have color ink in our printer, 23 00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:51,584 and we also have... 24 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:57,322 A blow-job overlay. - No. No, no, no, no, no. 25 00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:59,425 Absolutely not. - Okay. 26 00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,493 Well, it's there if you want it. 27 00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:03,595 That's why it's an overlay. That's how overlays work. 28 00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:07,433 - And I slept with John Early after I dated that couple. 29 00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:09,535 And I never slept with Megan's dad. 30 00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:11,470 - No? That night we all fell asleep 31 00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:13,405 watching "Manchester by the Sea"? 32 00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:16,342 - I also fell asleep. - Okay, I'll take him down. 33 00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:18,344 Maybe give Megan a call, though. 34 00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:20,746 She thinks you fucked her dad. 35 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:24,249 - And Bar Trivia Guy didn't wear a Green Day T-shirt. 36 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,385 It was Sum 41. - Lot of notes. 37 00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:27,753 Okay, thought you said you loved it. 38 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,688 - Never said that. Never said those words. 39 00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:31,790 Is this an advent calendar? 40 00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:33,459 - They're female sex addendums. 41 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,494 We don't know yet if women will die, too, 42 00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:37,396 so we have extra room just to jot down our thoughts 43 00:01:37,397 --> 00:01:38,597 or any poems that might come to us. 44 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,500 - You bought yarn for this. - I bought a lot of things. 45 00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:43,369 Now, what do we do about Robert? 46 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:45,237 He's dying but still alive. 47 00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:46,505 Maybe just one slash? - [groans] 48 00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:48,507 - Ooh, I know. - Oh, my God. 49 00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:51,310 - Dash, dash, dash. Dash, dash, dash. 50 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,379 Like in "The Family Circus," when you follow Billy. 51 00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:54,947 "Where is Billy?" "Up in that tree." 52 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,749 Sorry, I've been awake for 29 hours. 53 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,283 - You're hiding it super well. 54 00:01:58,284 --> 00:01:59,885 - Thank you. Now, this is everybody, right? 55 00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:02,422 Jason Spotify Ads was the last guy you had sex with. 56 00:02:05,725 --> 00:02:08,161 - Yep, that's everybody. 57 00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:11,397 - Oh, and Zack. - What? 58 00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:12,464 - We can't let him see this. 59 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:14,600 For someone who loves super-violent video games, 60 00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,568 he's a little kid about actual death, 61 00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:18,804 probably because all of his grandparents are still alive. 62 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,272 - Right. 63 00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:21,540 Everyone up here is gonna die, 64 00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,375 so he definitely shouldn't see it. 65 00:02:23,376 --> 00:02:24,710 Or be on it. What? No. 66 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,945 He definitely won't be on it and won't see it 67 00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:28,914 because he's afraid of death. 68 00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:31,216 - What a puzzle. I will solve this. 69 00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:32,451 - Will you? 70 00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:34,887 I mean, seriously, how is this happening? 71 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:37,790 If six doctors ruled out my vagina assassinating people, 72 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,259 I think they'll also rule out long COVID, 73 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,228 {\an8}body hair, and the moon. 74 00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:44,997 {\an8}- Okay, those are theories, which is why they're listed 75 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,566 under "theories" on the board, which is a judgment-free zone. 76 00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,868 So, if you have anything you'd like to add... 77 00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,704 - I don't know. I... 78 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:55,307 I think I may have, some point, in a bar or a dressing room, 79 00:02:55,308 --> 00:02:57,443 said I didn't care if some 80 00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,345 or maybe all of these people died. 81 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,580 So maybe someone thinks they're doing me a favor 82 00:03:01,581 --> 00:03:03,515 by killing them. 83 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:06,785 - [softly] Murder. I love that. I want that for us. 84 00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:08,787 [normal voice] I'm putting it up. 85 00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:09,855 Although, after five bodies, 86 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,291 the killer probably would have sent you a trophy. 87 00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:15,562 [phone chiming] 88 00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,298 Hello? 89 00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:21,734 - I have a delivery for Ruby Yao. 90 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:24,003 - Okay, but let's not jump to any conclusions. 91 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,271 Let's see what it is fir-- 92 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:28,707 - There is a head in this box. I'll get to that in a second. 93 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:32,478 I have a stalker who has already killed five people. 94 00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:35,347 [cover of James' "Laid"] 95 00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:37,349 - ♪ This bed is on fire ♪ 96 00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,785 ♪ With passionate love ♪ 97 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:43,789 ♪ The neighbors complain about the noises above ♪ 98 00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:47,893 ♪ But she only comes when she's on top ♪ 99 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:52,031 ♪ ♪ 100 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:55,768 ♪ My therapist said not to see you no more ♪ 101 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:59,905 ♪ She said you're like a disease without any cure ♪ 102 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:04,309 ♪ She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore ♪ 103 00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:06,445 ♪ Oh, no ♪ 104 00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:12,951 ♪ I think you're so pretty ♪ 105 00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:20,293 ♪ ♪ 106 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:28,701 - I'm sorry, did you just walk back here? 107 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,835 Is there anyone at the front desk? 108 00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:31,637 - Yes. I told them why I was here, 109 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:32,971 and they said to come see you. 110 00:04:32,972 --> 00:04:34,606 [laughter] 111 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,942 - [sighs] Fantastic. 112 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,712 How can I help you? 113 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,946 - I have a stalker who's killing 114 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,382 everyone I've ever had sex with because they don't want me 115 00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:45,851 to be with anyone else but them. 116 00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,886 - Oh, that's not how a stalker works. 117 00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,689 They usually kill the object of their obsession. 118 00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:52,424 - Right. I've heard this already 119 00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:53,859 from my roommate, which is why she isn't here 120 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,627 and physically tried to stop me from coming. 121 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,129 But why would you kill 122 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,731 the person you're obsessed with? 123 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,933 If they're dead, you can't be obsessed anymore. 124 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,901 Fun's over. 125 00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:05,471 But for this guy, the fun's just begun. 126 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,040 I have a Jigsaw, and I am terrified. 127 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:11,977 We need to catch this asshole. 128 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,847 - Did you just check to see if I had a wedding ring? 129 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,750 - Yes, because it's been ingrained in me, 130 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,485 because that's what women are forced to do 131 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,120 because of society. 132 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,921 My stalker is winning right now. 133 00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:24,390 We need to focus. 134 00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:26,625 I am AirDropping a photo of my sex timeline 135 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:29,529 to everyone in this police house. 136 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:32,598 Is that what it's called? 137 00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:34,466 - It's a precinct. 138 00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:37,836 [phones chiming] 139 00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,706 - It's confronting, I know, but no one sex-shame me, please. 140 00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:43,175 - This is a healthy body count for a 30-year-old woman. 141 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,044 - Thank you. 142 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,646 And only 30. bless. 143 00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:51,917 - Okay, so your stalker gave your ex Michael 144 00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,485 male anorexia? 145 00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:55,087 - No, but I think maybe 146 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,789 my stalker took advantage of it. 147 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,557 Michael couldn't run because his legs were weak 148 00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,025 from low muscle tone. 149 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:03,095 - And he gave David sepsis. - Could be an angel of mercy. 150 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,630 We need forensics on this. 151 00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:07,499 And I'll need a 24-7 police tail. 152 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:09,468 Honestly, all these people will, 153 00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:12,638 because they're about to be murdered. 154 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,606 Or one of them is a murderer, 155 00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:18,077 and we need to act fast before he kills... 156 00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,545 Simon. 157 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,113 [distant telephone ringing] 158 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,882 Gonna have to rack my brain on who that is. 159 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:26,018 - Yeah, you will. 160 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:27,953 And that's okay. 161 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,154 - [chuckles] 162 00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:31,890 - Okay, why do we think there's a human head in this box? 163 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:32,791 Did we open it? 164 00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:34,727 - My roommate wanted to, but I was like, 165 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,195 "That'll contaminate the evidence." 166 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,564 And she's like, "Oh, so now you're the expert on murder?" 167 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,099 And I'm like, "Uh, it's a head. 168 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,567 It's 8 pounds." 169 00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,035 And she's like, "You can't get your science 170 00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:44,837 from 'Jerry Maguire,'" and I'm like, "Can't I? 171 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,506 It's well-written." [sighs] 172 00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,975 [gasps] Again, contamination. 173 00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:52,978 Your pen could leave ink spots on the box tape. 174 00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:55,147 How would we lift prints? 175 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:58,885 - Oh, our print lifter has a pen attachment. 176 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:02,588 [sighs] 177 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,123 - Do you want some eucalyptus ointment 178 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,591 to dab under your nose? 179 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,060 It's gonna smell. - Stop. Nope, I'm good. 180 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,662 Thank you. 181 00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:14,566 - Oh, my God. Okay, here we go. 182 00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,502 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 183 00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:19,171 Oh, God. Oh, God. [pants] 184 00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,940 Are the eyes missing? Is there a note in the mouth? 185 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,575 I have tweezers. 186 00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:25,812 [suspenseful music] 187 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,515 Ah. 188 00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:31,717 [object thuds on desk, detective sighs] 189 00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:34,920 I ordered snow globes for a party I'm planning. 190 00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:35,954 [chuckles] 191 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:39,526 Had a really cute idea for the c-centerpieces. 192 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,761 I really could have a stalker, though. 193 00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:46,031 Five people really are dead. 194 00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:47,533 - Right. 195 00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:48,634 Well, since we're not allowed 196 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,169 to dismiss women out of hand anymore 197 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:53,105 or use words like "overreacting" or "hysterical" 198 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,941 or "on the rag," I'm just gonna have to say to you, 199 00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:58,812 thank you for entrusting us with your safety. 200 00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:02,715 Have a nice day. 201 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,049 - I am not crazy. - Ah. 202 00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,051 I didn't say you were, 'cause I'm not allowed to. 203 00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:08,654 You can check my body-cam footage for verification. 204 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,789 - Oh, man, Stu Jackward died? 205 00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:12,791 He just came off injured reserve. 206 00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:15,160 [distant telephone ringing, indistinct chatter] 207 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,996 [doorbell rings] 208 00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:19,565 - Hey. 209 00:08:19,566 --> 00:08:21,066 I thought we said 1:00. It's only 10:30. 210 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:24,336 - Oh, yeah, my last meeting ended 211 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,305 a little earlier than I thought. 212 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,741 But good news. 213 00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,776 - Oh, the snow globes came. [chuckles] 214 00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:33,812 - Snow globes came. [chuckles] Not a human head. 215 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:36,015 - Yeah, my parents are gonna love this. 216 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,950 Come in. Come in. 217 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,952 - Another shipment's coming from Scotland. 218 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,587 I was just on the phone with them. 219 00:08:41,588 --> 00:08:43,088 Tough accent to navigate. 220 00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,157 - My dad does a great Scottish brogue. 221 00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,127 [in bad Scottish accent] Purple burglar alarm. 222 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,995 [normal voice] He does it way better. 223 00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:52,197 - [bad Scottish accent] Try it like you're gargling marbles. 224 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:54,700 [normal voice] That was Sean Connery counseling you. 225 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:57,703 [both laugh] 226 00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,105 Is that "The Greatest Showman"? 227 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,974 - Ah, I don't know. 228 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:04,943 I just--I think the TV just came like that. 229 00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:06,078 - Um... 230 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,947 are you an undercover musical lover? 231 00:09:08,948 --> 00:09:11,083 Because throw those covers off, honey. 232 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,851 I am right here. 233 00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:14,820 - Wait, are you serious? You like musicals? 234 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,689 - Okay, I know it's an impossible question, 235 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,057 but what's your favorite? 236 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,958 - Classic? "Singin' in the Rain." 237 00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:22,027 - I was Donald O'Connor last Halloween. 238 00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:24,129 - More recent, "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." 239 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:26,398 - I was John Cameron Mitchell the Halloween before that. 240 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,767 - And animated... 241 00:09:28,768 --> 00:09:30,202 both: "Beauty and the Beast." 242 00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,737 Oh! - Not gonna lie-- 243 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,005 attracted to Beast. [both laugh] 244 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,107 - The end of "Be Our Guest," when the feather duster started 245 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,875 doing a little cancan and the champagne bottles pop. 246 00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:38,744 - I levitated and maybe cried a little. 247 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,212 - I cried a lot, 248 00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,181 or, like, you know, like a regular amount 249 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,982 a-a guy would cry. 250 00:09:43,983 --> 00:09:45,651 - [chuckles] 251 00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,953 I love that you love musicals. 252 00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:51,190 - Yeah, I used to watch them all the time with my parents. 253 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:54,360 - I love how close you are with them. 254 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,095 My mom died when I was 18, 255 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,030 and then my dad kind of dipped out, so... 256 00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,898 not a lot of closeness there. 257 00:09:59,899 --> 00:10:01,867 I haven't seen him in years. 258 00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,702 Save a lot on cards, though. - Mm. 259 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,804 - Who still sends cards? Uh, I do. 260 00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:08,273 When's your birthday? - Uh, May 26th. 261 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,875 - [bad Scottish accent] You're getting a card. 262 00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,043 - [bad Scottish accent] Oh, great. 263 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,144 [both laugh] 264 00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,912 - [normal voice] Can I get you something to drink? 265 00:10:13,913 --> 00:10:15,314 - Gin. Kidding. Surprise me. 266 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,915 - [chuckles] 267 00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:18,984 Man, it's kind of nice to talk musicals again. 268 00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:20,886 Merci, she doesn't like 'em. 269 00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:23,922 - Oh, it was so great meeting her. 270 00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:25,758 You know, I was really impressed 271 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:29,228 by her Women Experiencing Carlessness charity. 272 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,830 You know, I saw a woman walking to work this morning. 273 00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:33,465 Please tell her I thought of her. 274 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,067 - I will. Yeah, she'll like that. 275 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:38,137 - Yeah, I like her. Her hair. 276 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,339 - Hopefully it's not too early for a probiotic soda. 277 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,441 [chuckles] - Impossible. 278 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:45,278 - To good gut health. [both laugh] 279 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,981 Mmm. - [groans softly] 280 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,349 - Oh, hey, how'd it go with your friend? 281 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,217 Did you talk to her, get that big, scary thing 282 00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:53,419 off your chest? 283 00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,421 - Oh, no. 284 00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:58,390 We've got a lot of other stuff going on right now. 285 00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:02,061 Crazy stuff, actually, so it's a little tense. 286 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,829 - Oh, shit. 287 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:06,165 Is everything okay? - Yeah. 288 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:10,736 I mean, no, but we are figuring things out. 289 00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:11,837 It's fine. 290 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:14,306 It's gonna be fine, I hope. 291 00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,942 Crazy being a single woman in the city. 292 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:19,511 - Mm-hmm. - A lot of people out there. 293 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,915 Weirdos. - Mm. 294 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,885 - Is that a bat? 295 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,455 - Oh, uh, yeah. 296 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:33,525 It's to fight off the squirrels. 297 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,127 - What? 298 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,029 - Merci, she likes to keep the windows open, 299 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,997 but she's allergic to the mesh in the screens, 300 00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:41,334 so enter every squirrel in Seattle. 301 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,773 - They made a mess of your rug. 302 00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:52,544 - Uh, that--that's, uh, usually covered by the couch. 303 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,413 Yeah, let me--let me just-- 304 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:55,447 - Oh. - Yeah. 305 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:59,518 [tense music] 306 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,253 That I still need to deal with. 307 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:05,290 ♪ ♪ 308 00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:08,027 [laughs] 309 00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,562 ♪ ♪ 310 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:14,033 - It's Isaac! Isaac is my stalker! 311 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,501 - Oh, my God, you do not have a stalker. 312 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,836 Was there a head in the box? - It was snow globes. 313 00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:19,905 - I know. I ran the tracking number. 314 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,573 Anyway, there's news. - There is. 315 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,575 I have a stalker, and it's Isaac. 316 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:24,943 I was just over at his house. 317 00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:26,111 It is full-on 318 00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:27,446 "Silence of the Lambs" over there. 319 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:28,514 He has a squirrel bat. 320 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:29,882 And think about it. 321 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,316 Guys started dying right after we met. 322 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:33,385 And he's so cute and innocent-looking. 323 00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,888 I mean, isn't it always the cute guy you least expect? 324 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,122 - Ed Gein was never cute. 325 00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:39,992 - Everyone's cute to somebody. 326 00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:42,194 Check if Isaac has living parents he didn't kill. 327 00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,096 Google "snow globe murder weapon 328 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,230 Isaac Torres parents." 329 00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:47,199 - Rubes, Isaac is not your stalker 330 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,435 because you don't have a stalker, 331 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,338 because stalkers can't give someone cancer. 332 00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:54,106 - Oh, no. 333 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,242 [soft dramatic music] 334 00:12:57,243 --> 00:13:02,081 ♪ ♪ 335 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,483 - Dash, dash, dash. 336 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,485 Dash, dash, dash. 337 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,287 - Poor Robert. 338 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,857 {\an8}I can't believe he's already dead. 339 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,460 Like, he is dead. 340 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,395 A guy I loved. - I know. 341 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,497 And the cluster's next. - The what? 342 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:21,100 - You have a sex cluster followed by an antibiotic gap. 343 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,436 See, that's why I made these brackets and that circle. 344 00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:27,272 - Okay. 345 00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:29,041 Okay, I-- 346 00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,110 I had just come out of my first real relationship, 347 00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,012 and I needed to do some fucking and sucking 348 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,513 and swiping and wiping. - Oh, I know. 349 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,382 Want to see the blow-job overlay in this area? 350 00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:38,250 It's planes stacked over San Francisco. 351 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,219 You cannot see the city. - Oh, my God. 352 00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,521 I'm gonna kill a whole cluster. 353 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,956 - Oh, no. 354 00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,391 No, no, no, no, no. 355 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:48,027 Maybe not the whole thing. Jordana might not die. 356 00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,595 It might have to be full OM-pen. 357 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:50,963 - Mm? 358 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,998 - Full organic member penetration. 359 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,033 - Got it. Hate it. 360 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,135 And I hate that I dealt with my first heartbreak 361 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:59,071 by sex clustering or whatever. 362 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,073 - No, respect your timeline. 363 00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:03,309 Look, you inspired me to do mine. 364 00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:06,478 - This has four people on it. 365 00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,180 - I was with Terrance for eight years 366 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,248 and then Zack for five. 367 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,316 And you know I really have to care about someone 368 00:14:11,317 --> 00:14:13,152 before I'm intimate, which is not an indictment. 369 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:14,319 I wish I could be more like you. 370 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,422 I wish I didn't love so hard. - What about the cellist? 371 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,090 - We didn't do much, just hand stuff. 372 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,693 - No blow-job overlay? - Mm, no, not my thing. 373 00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,461 I didn't want to mess up my Invisalign. 374 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:25,030 Now, my hand-job overlay-- these are my greatest assets. 375 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,699 I'm like a surgeon but with hand jobs. 376 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:27,900 - Both hands. Wow. 377 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,302 - You don't want one to be a lot stronger than the other. 378 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:33,238 You think this one can't tag in if this one gets tired? 379 00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:35,574 - [sighs] Your sex timeline folds up 380 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,343 and fits in a doll's pocket. 381 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,045 Mine is on wheels and takes up this whole room. 382 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,314 - I can take it down. - No. 383 00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,683 It's... 384 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,052 good for me to see it, 385 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,155 to remind me that all these guys, 386 00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:52,224 and possibly two women, 387 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:56,128 are going to die because of me. 388 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:59,598 [light tense music] 389 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:01,200 I think I have to warn them. 390 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:02,735 - I do, too. I also think that. 391 00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,169 I was hoping you'd say that. 392 00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,637 Roll on some deodorant, and we'll head out. 393 00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:07,039 - Wait, but wait. 394 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,375 It's gonna be so weird... 395 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,243 and hard. 396 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,345 {\an8}Jeffrey and Robert had some not great things to say to me, 397 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,114 {\an8}and they didn't even know about the whole 398 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,682 "they're going to die because of me" part. 399 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,283 - Agree. 400 00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:22,055 It is gonna be weird and hard, but there are-- 401 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,226 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven-- 402 00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:29,428 - I changed my mind. Just take it down. 403 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:33,098 - 13, 14, 15, 16-- 17 guys and 2 women 404 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,134 who deserve to know what's happening. 405 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,302 They would want to know. I know I'd want to know. 406 00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:38,504 - Really? 407 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,707 Something... this bad? 408 00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,342 We did the fucking worst-- 409 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:46,145 The worst thing? 410 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,681 You'd want to know? - Absolutely. 411 00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:51,116 We don't want to be the people who know something 412 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,718 and don't say something. 413 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,386 We want to be Niecy Nash 414 00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:56,622 in "Dahmer Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story." 415 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,491 - "American Dahmer Monster: The Jeffrey Murder Story." 416 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:01,760 - "Ryan Murphy Presents Jeffrey Crime Monster: 417 00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:04,029 American Murder Dahmer." 418 00:16:04,030 --> 00:16:05,431 Zack came up with that one. 419 00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,399 Could not watch it, though. Begged me to turn it off. 420 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,369 - Let's go be Niecy. - Let's go be Niecy. 421 00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:14,073 [door closes] 422 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:16,041 - And we're sure Isaac's not my stalker? 423 00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:17,343 - Yes, we Googled his parents. 424 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,078 They are alive and well in a sea of snow globes. 425 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,347 Literally, everything he has ever told you has been true. 426 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:23,082 - Fine. But what do we tell these guys? 427 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,650 We don't even know how long they have left. 428 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,052 - Somewhere between several days and one or two. 429 00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:28,320 I'm trying to find a correlation 430 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,089 between the length of time you dated everyone 431 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:31,357 and the time between deaths. 432 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,058 I feel like it's an average of two numbers, 433 00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:34,393 but I don't know which. 434 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,328 And then I feel like I need to divide by something, 435 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,629 but I don't know what. - Penis size? 436 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,465 - I do have some of those numbers, 437 00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:40,599 but it's an incomplete dataset. 438 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,735 I know you're nervous, but also try and think of this 439 00:16:42,736 --> 00:16:44,403 as a fact-finding mission. 440 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:47,373 Are you wearing contour? - I'm about to see all my exes. 441 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,640 - To tell them they're dying. 442 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,342 - I don't think me looking like shit 443 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,211 will soften the blow. [heavy footsteps] 444 00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,545 - The Clog Dropper from upstairs. 445 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:56,382 - What do we do? - Uh, act casual. 446 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,450 [ominous musical sting] 447 00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,619 - Hi. Jill Blanch? [chuckles] 448 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:04,156 We're your downstairs neighbors, Ruby and AJ. 449 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:06,091 So weird we haven't met after eight years. 450 00:17:06,092 --> 00:17:07,192 Nice clogs. 451 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:09,228 - Pure birch. 452 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:13,132 [heavy footsteps] 453 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,634 - She is so scary. I love it. 454 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,536 - Okay. 455 00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,705 Let's go tell everyone I've ever slept with 456 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,774 that they're going to die. 457 00:17:21,775 --> 00:17:25,177 - Ladies, congrats on the nups. 458 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,746 What kind of a retirement plan were you hoping to save for? 459 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:31,417 - Yeah, sorry, I sort of lied to get us in here. 460 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,885 It's me. 461 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:35,521 Ruby Yao? 462 00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:37,856 - Oh, yeah, Ruby. 463 00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,224 [both laugh] 464 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:41,126 Hi. - Hi. It's me. 465 00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:42,261 [both laugh] 466 00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:44,430 - Cool. How are you? 467 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,831 - Well... 468 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:49,768 Simon, let me answer that question with a question. 469 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:52,504 Would you want to know if you were gonna die? 470 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,306 - What? - Also, can you tell me 471 00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:55,874 how long your erect penis is from base to tip? 472 00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,409 - What? 473 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,345 - Let us both back up a little bit. 474 00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,280 It's a bit too personal to get into over intercom, 475 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,815 but I have some urgent information 476 00:18:02,816 --> 00:18:05,818 I need to pass along to Brian, Brian Glidewell. 477 00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:08,253 The jukebox used to be over there, didn't it? 478 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,421 I'll have a vodka tonic. 479 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,190 Whoa, that was pure muscle memory. 480 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:13,659 Spent a lot of time in this bar listening to medium-ugly men 481 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,227 talk about their jobs. 482 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:17,730 - So you want a vodka tonic? - Oh, no. Sorry. 483 00:18:17,731 --> 00:18:20,366 Does the guy who used to run trivia still work here? 484 00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,368 He used to wear a Sum 41 shirt. 485 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,837 - It was a Green Day shirt. - Oh, Richie. 486 00:18:24,838 --> 00:18:27,406 - Richie. Richie. 487 00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:29,174 - He runs trivia at a different bar on Wednesdays. 488 00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:31,176 - Shit. Okay. 489 00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:33,712 But while I have you... 490 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,315 - In the original "Peanuts" cartoon, 491 00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,751 who is Snoopy's nemesis? 492 00:18:38,752 --> 00:18:41,453 - There he is. Sum 41 shirt. 493 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,721 - It was Green Day. 494 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,723 - I love this new outfit. 495 00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,759 Did you add sequins? 496 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,527 - I didn't add sequins. 497 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:51,363 They appear magically the closer I, Corbin the Clown, 498 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,365 get to being a kid again. 499 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:54,767 [silly voice] Keep it moving! 500 00:18:54,768 --> 00:18:56,935 Keep it moving! Keep-- 501 00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,506 {\an8}- [speaking Portuguese, laughs] 502 00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:05,644 {\an8}- [speaking Portuguese] 503 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,980 - Sorry, Google Translate just went into the cloud 504 00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,515 for some reason. 505 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:10,783 - Because you have no room on your phone 506 00:19:10,784 --> 00:19:12,384 because you keep all your fucking texts. 507 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:13,719 - So surprising to get your text. 508 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,487 - Yeah, we haven't heard from you 509 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:16,889 since you broke up with us. 510 00:19:16,890 --> 00:19:18,490 - That's funny. 511 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:22,327 I remember it feeling a little bit more mutual. 512 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,629 - No. - No. 513 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:25,597 - Okay. [laughs nervously] 514 00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:28,801 Well, I am so happy to see that you guys are still together. 515 00:19:28,802 --> 00:19:30,803 I know that sometimes it can be hard 516 00:19:30,804 --> 00:19:32,738 opening your relationship up to a third. 517 00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,440 - Oh, well, when your third is Beth... 518 00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:36,642 - Yeah, Beth was a real game changer for us. 519 00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,409 - Oh, gosh. 520 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,243 - Really opened us up, you know? 521 00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:40,245 - Yeah. - When you know, you know. 522 00:19:40,246 --> 00:19:42,381 - All I know is, the guy I'm looking for is named Lucas. 523 00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,483 Let me draw for you the man I'm looking for. 524 00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,385 Can you pull up Illustrator on that? 525 00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:48,253 - I don't have Illustrator on this. 526 00:19:48,254 --> 00:19:49,788 - Hmm. That's too bad. 527 00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:52,324 I want to be kind, so I don't want to say what I'm picturing. 528 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:53,759 But, basically, when we were having sex, 529 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,961 I was like a pea on a pile of mashed potatoes. 530 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,597 - Well, no more potatoes, and bam. 531 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,032 [chuckles] 532 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:03,802 It's me, Ruby, Lug. 533 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,404 - No way. 534 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,339 - Way. [chuckles] 535 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,975 Yeah, I go by Lug now. 536 00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,643 So, uh, what's this all about? 537 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:15,314 - Do you remember that Cîroc vodka launch party in 2018? 538 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,583 You were a bottle-service boy, and I was sort of your boss 539 00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,718 who probably shouldn't have slept with you. 540 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,520 - Oh, no. 541 00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:24,456 Did you have a baby? 542 00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:26,558 [exhales deeply] Fuck, do I have a son? 543 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:27,926 Is that what this is? 544 00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,061 [groans] 545 00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:31,864 Is it--is it him? 546 00:20:31,865 --> 00:20:34,767 - No, I-I think that man works here. 547 00:20:34,768 --> 00:20:37,603 - He's not with us. - That's your coworker. 548 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:40,072 - Oh, thank God. [chuckles] 549 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,907 Oh, my God. That was-- 550 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,976 - [laughs nervously] - You got me, man. 551 00:20:43,977 --> 00:20:45,577 That was crazy. - Yeah. 552 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,080 Okay. Can you see this timeline? 553 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,683 So then people started dying. 554 00:20:50,684 --> 00:20:53,819 Now all these guys before you are dead. 555 00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:56,755 - One, two, three, four, five, six. 556 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,757 - I said I clicked on "leave at door." 557 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,693 - No, no, no, I am not a delivery. 558 00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:02,561 I'm looking for a Brian Glidewell. 559 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,396 - So I'm gonna die? 560 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,465 - Also, seems unrelated, but it's not. 561 00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,000 Have you used generic body spray 562 00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:09,468 in the last nine years? 563 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,003 - Oh, we can circle back to that in a second. 564 00:21:11,004 --> 00:21:14,606 In the meantime, let me just AirDrop you this timeline. 565 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:15,741 [phone chimes] Oh. 566 00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:17,476 Just sent you my JetBlue app. 567 00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:19,845 Hmm. Be better at phones, girl. 568 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,481 Should we have a handout ready so they can follow along? 569 00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:23,849 Would that help? 570 00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:26,685 - Yeah, it'd be nice to hold something. 571 00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,087 - What? 572 00:21:28,088 --> 00:21:29,922 - I'm Ruby. 573 00:21:29,923 --> 00:21:31,623 We dated briefly. 574 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:33,726 You took me, unironically, to brunch at a ren faire. 575 00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:36,095 - Yes. No, I know, Ruby. I remember you. 576 00:21:36,096 --> 00:21:38,464 I just haven't seen you since we got in a fight 577 00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:40,599 about the movie "Malignant." 578 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,134 I kept calling the main character Malignant 579 00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:44,570 as if that was her actual name, and she got annoyed because-- 580 00:21:44,571 --> 00:21:45,738 - It's not the character's name. 581 00:21:45,739 --> 00:21:46,939 'Cause it's not the character's name. 582 00:21:46,940 --> 00:21:48,474 - Okay, well... - Okay, remembering now 583 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:49,641 you love a long story. 584 00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:52,645 - And they're all dead? - All dead. 585 00:22:04,090 --> 00:22:06,058 - Yeah, but this paper doesn't actually explain anything. 586 00:22:06,059 --> 00:22:08,460 - And some of these words are really hard to make out. 587 00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:09,995 I mean, I'm sorry, is that a C or a G? 588 00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:11,563 - Yes, that's a C. 589 00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:14,099 Unless "sex gluster" is a term suddenly? 590 00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:15,567 Obviously, it's not. 591 00:22:15,568 --> 00:22:17,670 - Oh, I get it. This is an AA thing. 592 00:22:17,671 --> 00:22:19,071 You're making amends. 593 00:22:19,072 --> 00:22:20,572 - Is this a prank? 594 00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:23,075 [laughs] Oh, did Blake send you? 595 00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:24,943 That fucker. Hey, Blake! 596 00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:27,146 Blake, I know it's you, bitch! [laughs] 597 00:22:27,147 --> 00:22:29,548 - What do I tell my mom? 598 00:22:29,549 --> 00:22:31,517 - [gasps] - What the fuck? 599 00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,819 - I don't know where Brian Glidewell is, 600 00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:35,821 and neither does Bass Pro Shop! 601 00:22:35,822 --> 00:22:37,456 - Okay, okay, we tried. - We tried. 602 00:22:37,457 --> 00:22:38,624 - Nobody's ever tried harder! - [yelps] 603 00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,526 - I have a lot of questions. 604 00:22:40,527 --> 00:22:42,695 - Really, everything we know is on the flyer. 605 00:22:42,696 --> 00:22:44,496 I'm sorry. I wish I had more answers. 606 00:22:44,497 --> 00:22:46,732 I just don't. 607 00:22:46,733 --> 00:22:49,568 - That was lovely. You're doing great right now. 608 00:22:49,569 --> 00:22:51,770 - Yeah, thanks. That one felt good. 609 00:22:51,771 --> 00:22:53,839 - Can we maybe just, like, start at the beginning? 610 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,442 - Read the answer. - Okay, it's the Red Baron. 611 00:22:56,443 --> 00:22:58,844 The answer is the Red Baron. 612 00:22:58,845 --> 00:23:00,846 - I said it wasn't Woodstock. 613 00:23:00,847 --> 00:23:03,215 That's Snoopy's best friend and confidant. 614 00:23:03,216 --> 00:23:05,451 - Can we just-- 615 00:23:05,452 --> 00:23:07,486 What in the fucking-- 616 00:23:07,487 --> 00:23:08,954 - Hell! You put me through hell. 617 00:23:08,955 --> 00:23:10,989 You--you laughed when you broke up with me. 618 00:23:10,990 --> 00:23:12,991 You drove me somewhere after and laughed the whole way. 619 00:23:12,992 --> 00:23:14,828 And you used my catchphrase against me. 620 00:23:16,096 --> 00:23:17,730 {\an8}"Keep it moving"? - I did. 621 00:23:17,731 --> 00:23:19,666 And I see now I shouldn't have done that, "Jo-ay-oh." 622 00:23:20,934 --> 00:23:22,801 - "Jo-ay-oh." - João! 623 00:23:22,802 --> 00:23:24,603 - "Jo-ay-oh." - João. 624 00:23:24,604 --> 00:23:26,572 - [whispering] I think he's upset with us. 625 00:23:26,573 --> 00:23:27,740 - Of course we're upset. 626 00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:29,108 - I'm just trying to tell you information 627 00:23:29,109 --> 00:23:30,542 you deserve to know. 628 00:23:30,543 --> 00:23:32,044 - What kind of woman dresses up 629 00:23:32,045 --> 00:23:34,013 to let people know that they're dying? 630 00:23:34,014 --> 00:23:35,881 - It's just contour! 631 00:23:35,882 --> 00:23:37,750 - A doctor who cares about her appearance. 632 00:23:37,751 --> 00:23:39,551 - Wait, I'm confused. Who's a doctor? 633 00:23:39,552 --> 00:23:40,819 She's a doctor? both: No! 634 00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:41,987 - Okay. 635 00:23:41,988 --> 00:23:44,523 Okay, look, I just need everyone to take a deep breath 636 00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:46,759 and raise your hand if you've ever used 637 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,594 spray paint in an enclosed space. 638 00:23:48,595 --> 00:23:50,496 - This is just typical Ruby chaos energy. 639 00:23:50,497 --> 00:23:51,764 - Yeah, yeah, brings me right back. 640 00:23:51,765 --> 00:23:54,633 - You know, you were a real fucking nightmare to deal with. 641 00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:56,035 - What? Me? - Yeah. 642 00:23:56,036 --> 00:23:57,036 Yeah. - How? 643 00:23:57,037 --> 00:23:58,771 - Well, you told your friends that I was... 644 00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:00,673 - A loser, and then you ghosted... 645 00:24:00,674 --> 00:24:03,676 {\an8}- Me, right after you had... - Cheated on us... 646 00:24:03,677 --> 00:24:04,777 {\an8}- And you wouldn't even let us... 647 00:24:04,778 --> 00:24:07,646 - Do it in your... - Bottom. 648 00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,815 - What? - Your lowest point. 649 00:24:09,816 --> 00:24:12,051 What was your rock bottom? 650 00:24:12,052 --> 00:24:14,920 - This, right now. 651 00:24:14,921 --> 00:24:18,190 - Oh, you're still in your disease. 652 00:24:18,191 --> 00:24:20,993 My lowest point was actually my last night with you, 653 00:24:20,994 --> 00:24:23,195 that car crash. - Of course. 654 00:24:23,196 --> 00:24:25,097 Everyone's got something today. 655 00:24:25,098 --> 00:24:27,066 I laughed at this one. 656 00:24:27,067 --> 00:24:28,767 I cheated on those ones. 657 00:24:28,768 --> 00:24:31,570 Now there's this car crash that is somehow my fault. 658 00:24:31,571 --> 00:24:33,605 - Well, you were driving. - So? 659 00:24:33,606 --> 00:24:35,040 - No, it's a good thing. 660 00:24:35,041 --> 00:24:37,543 It's what finally jolted me back to life, 661 00:24:37,544 --> 00:24:39,845 what made me put down the giant mashed potato spoon. 662 00:24:39,846 --> 00:24:40,779 - He did. 663 00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:42,748 He used to eat them with a giant spoon. 664 00:24:42,749 --> 00:24:44,049 - When you ran away-- 665 00:24:44,050 --> 00:24:46,085 literally, the cops had to chase her for blocks-- 666 00:24:46,086 --> 00:24:47,219 it kind of threw me. 667 00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:49,688 I thought that an experience like that would bond us 668 00:24:49,689 --> 00:24:52,691 closer together, but you just disappeared. 669 00:24:52,692 --> 00:24:54,893 But you know what I did after that? 670 00:24:54,894 --> 00:24:55,928 - Ate? 671 00:24:55,929 --> 00:24:58,697 - No, I, uh--the opposite. 672 00:24:58,698 --> 00:25:00,699 I stopped eating. I stopped drinking. 673 00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:02,735 I stopped the whole self-destructive path 674 00:25:02,736 --> 00:25:04,636 that I was on, and I started training. 675 00:25:04,637 --> 00:25:07,239 I got fit. I got other people fit. 676 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,808 So thank you, Ruby. 677 00:25:09,809 --> 00:25:12,778 - Thank me? - Yeah, for saving my life. 678 00:25:12,779 --> 00:25:15,848 [soft music] 679 00:25:15,849 --> 00:25:17,216 - Lug, I hope it's your cheat day, 680 00:25:17,217 --> 00:25:19,218 'cause we are going for mashed potatoes. 681 00:25:19,219 --> 00:25:20,787 - [laughs] All right. 682 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:26,892 - So I saved a person's life. - Hmm. 683 00:25:26,893 --> 00:25:28,093 Interesting you started there. 684 00:25:28,094 --> 00:25:30,662 - There's a person now where a person maybe wouldn't be. 685 00:25:30,663 --> 00:25:32,297 - Because of you. - Because of me. 686 00:25:32,298 --> 00:25:34,033 - [laughs] 687 00:25:34,034 --> 00:25:36,635 - A lot of them, though, didn't have very fond memories of me. 688 00:25:36,636 --> 00:25:37,936 - They did not, no. 689 00:25:37,937 --> 00:25:39,838 - A doorman in a bedazzled clown costume 690 00:25:39,839 --> 00:25:41,640 tried to strangle me. 691 00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:44,376 - But that makes what you did today even more impressive. 692 00:25:44,377 --> 00:25:46,645 You went into a hostile environment, 693 00:25:46,646 --> 00:25:49,114 and you did that shit. 694 00:25:49,115 --> 00:25:50,983 - You're just trying to G me up. 695 00:25:50,984 --> 00:25:53,919 - That's right, because you're a motherfucking G. 696 00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,755 Also, you knew all those people so long ago. 697 00:25:56,756 --> 00:25:58,924 You're so different than you were back then. 698 00:25:58,925 --> 00:26:01,126 - Am I? - You totally are. 699 00:26:01,127 --> 00:26:04,096 You're, like, so mature... - [scoffs] 700 00:26:04,097 --> 00:26:08,634 - A full adult and a great person. 701 00:26:08,635 --> 00:26:10,236 The best best friend. 702 00:26:12,205 --> 00:26:13,940 - I'm really not. 703 00:26:15,842 --> 00:26:17,977 But you are. 704 00:26:19,946 --> 00:26:22,716 Some of the things I've done, I-- 705 00:26:24,417 --> 00:26:26,418 Or really one thing-- 706 00:26:26,419 --> 00:26:29,054 [phone vibrating] - Ugh, it's Zack. 707 00:26:29,055 --> 00:26:30,856 He's down to 39 subscribers 708 00:26:30,857 --> 00:26:34,159 on his livestream channel, and he is losing it. 709 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,095 Hey. 710 00:26:36,096 --> 00:26:38,897 Okay, look, no one appreciated Van Gogh either, 711 00:26:38,898 --> 00:26:41,700 and now they sell his paintings on phone cases. 712 00:26:41,701 --> 00:26:43,103 [whispering] Are you headed home? 713 00:26:45,105 --> 00:26:48,273 - [whispering] I'm just gonna... 714 00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:49,675 I'll see you later. 715 00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:51,377 - Okay, great work today. 716 00:26:51,378 --> 00:26:52,878 Lots of new information. 717 00:26:52,879 --> 00:26:54,246 I'm gonna work on the board later 718 00:26:54,247 --> 00:26:57,116 when Zack goes to his friend Felix's to watch "Bosch." 719 00:26:57,117 --> 00:26:58,684 I love you. 720 00:26:58,685 --> 00:27:01,687 [soft music] 721 00:27:01,688 --> 00:27:04,390 ♪ ♪ 722 00:27:04,391 --> 00:27:06,225 - Fuck. 723 00:27:06,226 --> 00:27:10,396 ♪ ♪ 724 00:27:10,397 --> 00:27:14,034 [sighs deeply] 725 00:27:27,247 --> 00:27:29,049 [screams] 726 00:27:30,950 --> 00:27:33,886 {\an8}[K.Flay's "Blood in the Cut"] 727 00:27:33,887 --> 00:27:41,027 {\an8}♪ ♪ 728 00:27:43,063 --> 00:27:44,930 {\an8}- ♪ I need noise ♪ 729 00:27:44,931 --> 00:27:46,899 {\an8}♪ I need the buzz of a sub ♪ 730 00:27:46,900 --> 00:27:49,034 {\an8}♪ Need the crack of a whip ♪ 731 00:27:49,035 --> 00:27:50,803 {\an8}♪ Need some blood in the cut ♪ 732 00:27:50,804 --> 00:27:52,171 {\an8}♪ I need noise ♪ 733 00:27:52,172 --> 00:27:54,139 {\an8}♪ I need the buzz of a sub ♪ 734 00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:56,175 {\an8}♪ Need the crack of a whip ♪ 735 00:27:56,176 --> 00:27:57,943 {\an8}♪ Need some blood in the cut ♪ 736 00:27:57,944 --> 00:28:02,448 {\an8}♪ I need blood in the cut ♪ 737 00:28:02,449 --> 00:28:09,389 {\an8}♪ ♪ 54298

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.