All language subtitles for laid.us.s01e02.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab_track3_[eng]

- Understood.
Yeah, absolutely.

No, no.

Oh, yeah.
Thanks so much.

You too.
Yeah.

Well, that was the coroner.
David died of sepsis.

- [screams]

- [screams]

- [gasps]

Sorry, I forgot we had a dog.

Also surprising and alarming

that you know how
to call a coroner.

- Look, I know death.

And yes, I know every girl now
is obsessed with murder,

but I started the trend.

They could have their
buccal fat removal

and Charlotte Tilbury.

I get blood spatter
and Amanda Knox.

- Is Amanda Knox the one--

Italy?
- Mm-hmm.

- Acquitted?
- Mm-hmm.

- Real killer left behind poo.

- My girl has been through
so much,

and all people remember
is the poo.

Look, I know
the right questions to ask.

And in your case,
the right question to ask

was what killed David?

- David.
My first love is dead.

Feels like just yesterday

he was fingering me under
my Hervé Léger bandage dress

at prom, now he's
a literal angel in our sky.

- Mm-hmm.

Brandon, Jeffrey, David.

Sepsis,

comma,

fingered.

- What are you doing?

- Three of your
ex-boyfriends died.

The more I think about it,
the weirder I think it is.

- I mean, it's not that weird, right?

Sure, a few of my exes died.

I mean, I'm sure
you have an ex who's died.

- Terrence.

- Anyway, if anything,

dating is already impossible
and now people are also dying.

It's like, what do I have--

ugh.

[whispers]
No.

- Sick, right?
For the wedding.

I ordered it from Nordstrom's.

- I can see a ball.

- OK, you're not actually
wearing that to the wedding.

- The invite says

come attired in your most
authentic spirit, so.

- In what way is your most
authentic spirit Japanese?

- The same way yours is French.

- I am 78% French.

- OK, yeah,
and I'm 0.9 Japanese.

Where do you draw the line?

- I think it's problematic
and short.

- Oh, so it's Ruby.

- Dude, shut the fuck up.

- Whatever, I'm just joking.

Oh, my God.
Look, don't worry, babe.

You know my legs
don't get cold.

[smooches]
We're going to have fun.

Just wear something cool too.

I can order another one.
They're still cheap right now.

You know, they're on sale

'cause it's cherry blossom
season.

- How are you feeling
about that?

- Robert's wedding?

Eh, fine.

I mean, I don't love
that it's...

on a Thursday.

Like, "at work tomorrow"

are words I might actually say
at a wedding.

- Rubes, you were with him
for three years.

There was a moment
when you thought

you were gonna marry him,
we all did.

- Yeah, no, I...

Really tried with that one.

Anyway,
we broke up so long ago,

it feels like ancient history.

It's still just like a reminder

that everybody else has
figured it out.

- You are exactly where
you are supposed to be,

and you are going
to find someone.

Holland Taylor didn't meet
Sarah Paulson till she was 66.

- [chuckles softly]

What could have helped

is if Robert had at least
given me a plus-one.

It's like, no,
I'm not seeing anyone now,

but why did he just assume
I'm single?

[scoffs]

He could have asked me when
I texted him after

"Quiet on Set: The Dark Side
of Kids TV" came out.

He had a small part
in all that.

Nothing happened.
He was fine.

- Sorry, were Brandon,
Jeffrey, and David

all born in Cantara,
a town in California

that had a toxic spill in '91,
the year they were born?

No.
No, none of them were.

- Would you stop?

There is no connection here.

It is like you said.
It is a tragic coincidence.

Look, Robert's an ex.

He's alive.

And look,

look at all these other exes
who are doing great.

Oh, Brian, Aubrey.

Ah, Joao had twins.

- Aw.

- Nope, that's just

one big baby
looking into a mirror.

- Oh.

- And you know who's
doing really great?

[bassy hip-hop beat]

Now, that is the very
alive ass of a very alive ex.

- Stu Jackward.

I totally forgot you dated him.

How'd you meet again?

- At that bobblehead event, remember?

He shot me a T-shirt
from a cannon

with his phone number on it.

You know, that was the
first relationship where

I really felt like a grown-up.

He took me to a Ruth's Chris
and paid with a check.

- Ruth's Chris.

I will never for the life of me

understand the name
of that restaurant.

Ruth's Chris?

- He's also the guy who
gave me my first orgasm.

And he was so strong.

He was always picking me up
and putting me places.

On a counter, on a table.

He called me his little
elf on a shelf.

- I'd rather not picture you

having an orgasm
on a bookshelf, thank you.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, sorry, um,
I broke up with Zack,

so I'm deleting all evidence
of our relationship.

- No way.
Because of the kimono?

Oh, my God.
He has done way dumber shit.

- No, no, no.

The kimono is symbolic
of many bigger issues,

all of which
boil down to the fact

that he is a child
who refuses to evolve.

He shows me he loves me
by giving me stuffed animals.

And it used to be cute,
you know?

When we were 25,
it was like,

look at that dude
in roller skates.

He's nuts!
Fun!

Now it's like there are
roller skates on that man

who is the first call
if I have a stroke.

Now I can get that orca
out of the kitchen.

Takes up so much counter space.

That's why I started using
the blowhole to hold Splendas.

- Oh!
[audience groaning]

- Oh, oh!

- Stu Jackward has just taken
a foul ball to the temple.

Ooh, that is not what
you want to see.

Oh, my!
- Holy shit.

- Oh, let's not.
Yeah, we don't--

we don't really need
to see that again.

Let's stop showing that.

- [gasps]

- Looks like
Goldie has come out

to try to cheer up the crowd,
but that's--

that's clearly
not gonna be enough.

Can we get somebody to tell
Goldie what's going on,

[cover of James' "Laid"]

- ♪ This bed is on fire
with passionate love ♪

♪ The neighbors complain
about the noises above ♪

♪ But she only comes
when she's on top ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ My therapist said not
to see you no more ♪

♪ She said you're like
a disease without any cure ♪

♪ She said I'm so obsessed
that I'm becoming a bore ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Ah, you're think
you're so pretty ♪

♪ ♪

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[light knocking]

[door opens]
- [gasps]

- Well, Ruby,
everything looks great.

Your pelvic exam looks good,

your numbers are where
I want them.

I'm very happy with your smear.

- And you're...

sure?
- Yeah.

I'm looking at the results of a
very healthy 33-year-old woman.

- Cool.

Very cool.

- All right.
I'll let you get dressed.

- Um, I, uh

just have one question.

There's nothing...

in there that could be

harming people, right?

- I--I'm sorry?

- I don't know how to say this,
Dr. Banooni,

but there have been
some odd deaths around me,

and I just want to make sure
I'm not...

involved.

- Uh, wh--

- A few guys I slept with
have died.

- Oh, I am so sorry.

- Thank you!

Ah, it's been hard.
[chuckles softly]

- So you're worried
about an STD?

- But, like,

I slept with them many years
ago, so maybe it's like a--

a time-release thing.

Like a sexually transmitted

shingles.

I rode an elderly donkey when
I went to the Grand Canyon.

Could that be related?

- How are these people dying?

- Uh, one had sepsis.

One, uh, we still don't know.

One got hit by a car
right in front of me.

One took a foul ball
to the temple.

An FB to the T.

That's the jargon
we've been using.

- This is the problem
with your generation.

You're all so anxious.

Remember the time you came in

worried about your pubic hair
growing in sideways?

- It was.

It stopped.

I think I was just sleeping
on my left side.

- Ruby, let me assure you

it's medically impossible

for you to be causing
the deaths of these men.

A foul ball to the temple

cannot be the result
of your vagina.

- [relieved laugh]

[chuckling softly]
OK.

- [chuckles]
- Good!

- [chuckling] Yeah!

- Great.

Yeah, that's what
the other three doctors said.

[Ruby chuckles]
- Oh, I was your fourth stop.

- Well, well, well,
look who's anxious now.

- [sighs]

- Pardon me, I'm gonna
deliver the good news.

[chuckles]

[soft upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[door opens]

- Oh, wow.
[chuckles]

- Oh, hi.
[laughs]

- Wow, this place is great.

- Right?
[chuckles]

We can make this place
really special

for your parents' party.

Dinner over there,
dancing there.

And I was thinking maybe

when they read
their original wedding vows,

we could do it here.
- Hmm.

- Yeah, and don't forget about

the release
of the hundred doves

that his parents have asked for
for some reason.

All right, where's Brenda?
Has anyone seen Brenda?

Does anyone have eyes
on Brenda?

- He'll rally on the day.

- OK, cool.

- And on that day,
this place will look beautiful.

I actually booked this place

three years from now
for my own wedding.

- Oh, you're--you're engaged?

- No.
[chuckles]

Actually,
not even dating anyone.

And have zero prospects
on the horizon.

So you know,

if you know anyone.

Like you.
[laughs]

- [chuckles uncomfortably]
- But not you, of course.

I don't date clients.

What do they say?

Don't take a shit at work.

- [stifled laugh]
- No, it's not that.

Something real close, though.

Sorry, I said take a shit.

- That's fine.

People shit.

- Not me.

[Ruby laughs]
- [groaning chuckle]

- Yeah.

[inhales deeply]

I just love weddings
and romance and love.

Guess I'm just a romantic.

- You know,
I hear people say that, but

what does that mean, you know?

To be a romantic.

- Oh, well...

you know.
[chuckles]

I just love love.

- Mm-hmm.

- Things with love in them.

Movies, TV shows, podcasts,

things you can watch and
listen to that are romantic.

Things with Meg Ryan,
but not dramas.

Like, she did something
called "Ithaca,"

which did not work for me.

So like rom-coms,
but only with Billy Crystal.

As much as we love Tom Hanks,

that was not undeniable
chemistry if you ask me.

So "When Harry Met Sally."
I love "When Harry Met Sally."

Next thing you know,
you're singing

"Surrey with the Fringe on Top"
in front of Ira.

[chuckles]

Oh, and spitting that grape
at that car window?

- Those are both
Billy Crystal's moments.

Is it maybe him you like?

- It's love that I like.

I want an epic kiss in the rain

or a big speech about
how someone loves

every little flaw about me

or someone running in
and interrupting a party

to call my name
so everyone turns to look.

And then it's quiet except

for, like, a little clink
or two of silverware.

And then I'm like--

[gasps]

[soft dramatic music]

What are you doing here?

♪ ♪

[music fading]

Anyway, sorry.

Rambling. [chuckles]

- No, don't apologize.
I--I get it.

You want to find someone
you love.

You know,
this was not in the brochure.

- Shut the fuck up.

Was that a Billy Crystal line
from "City Slickers"?

- Yes!
[laughter]

- Oh, maybe I am
a Crystal-head.

[both chuckle]

[Ruby laughs and sighs]

So this place holds 100.

I assume you'll want
to invite 50

and give everyone a plus-one?

Unless you also like

to discriminate against
single people.

- No. No, of course.
Everyone should get a plus-one.

I mean, I'm not married and
I'll be bringing a plus-one.

- Oh.

Like a...

old teacher?

- No, my girlfriend.

- Is your girlfriend
an old teacher?

- [chuckles]
No, she's a marine biologist.

Her name is Merci,
as in beaucoup.

- [sighs] Yes.

She's--[inhales deeply]

Pretty.
- Yeah.

- And how cool that she has
a job where

she gets to wear what I assume
must be her work bikini?

- [chuckling] Yeah, yeah.

She's also a gamer and does
a ton of charity work.

- [chuckling] Ah.
Congratulations.

That's great.

That is actually what I want
too, to find someone great.

I've recently realized

I've been too tough
on the people I've dated,

so just this morning,
I slid my age range up

five years to 50 because,
you know, Brad Pitt is 50.

- I think Brad Pitt is 60.

- Get the fuck out of here.
He's 60?

- FB to the T.

- Hi.

Had a great session
with Dr. Debra.

- You mean you Zoomed with
your therapist from your car

in a Mendocino Farms
parking lot?

- That's right.

- Great.

Dying to know what she has
to say about all this.

- That?
Oh, I didn't bring it up.

- You didn't bring up that
four of your exes died?

- I didn't even get to bring up
the fact that Brad Pitt is 60.

- What?

- She was on this thing about

how my family is the root
of my romantic problems.

She was on a roll,
so I just turned off my camera

and ate my side tortilla.

Ooh!

I like that.
Out of the way.

Much better.

- Hmm.

- Also, cute client Isaac?

Has a girlfriend.

A sexy, charitable,
marine biologist gamer.

Can you?

- I cannot.

[loud thump from ceiling]
- What's with this?

- Love when
a thought gets interrupted

by a single clog-drop
from a Clogdropper.

- Come on, Jill.

- What's with this?

- Ugh.
Zack is being such a dick.

Even though we broke up,

he refuses to give up
his plus-one to the wedding.

He says selecting
the fish option

made it a binding agreement.

- What a dick move.

- Yeah,
my ex is a real asshole.

- Why are you still doing this?

- I added Stu
and I'm trying to see

if it's, like, a riddle.

The first initials of their
names spell out B-J-D-S,

but that means nothing.

'Cause I was thinking
how scary would it be

if their initials spelled out,
like, a creepy word?

Guts or hang.

I would scream.

But they don't.

So it's not that.

- Listen, I know you need
a distraction right now.

And it is sad and it is tragic
that these guys have passed,

and no one feels that
more than me.

- I hate that you
just did that.

- But I just got
a clean bill of health.

So whatever's happening here
is not my fault.

If anything, this should just
remind us that life is short

and we need to appreciate it.

We owe it
to these dead gentlemen

to have single girl fun

and find love
at a weeknight wedding at--

wait, where is this again?

♪ ♪

[whistle blares]
[bell dings]

[eagle cries]

[tires squeal]

- Jesus Christ.

- One-hour drive,
35-minute ferry,

dropped our bags at that shed.

- That was the motel.

- And a 25-minute bus ride?

both: On a Thursday.

- Oh, God, this is so Robert.

- [chuckles]

Remember when you dated him,
you got super into tahini?

- Middle Eastern dips
and protesting salmon farming

was our thing.

- Ugh, Zack is here.

I'd recognize those Shrek Crocs
anywhere.

[AJ sighs]

- Single girl fun?

- Single girl fun.

[light violin music]

♪ ♪

- Oh.

And there's Robert, looking
very much healthy and alive.

- Yes, he does.

- And there's Sarah.

- So what's our vibe tonight?

Mean girls
or women supporting women?

- In the spirit
of celebrating life,

let's do supporting women.

- Great. Love Sarah.
She's glowing.

- Radiant. Stunning.

My eyes are
looking at a mermaid.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Robert and Sarah are offering
almond butter stouts

and orange wine with tannins
on the side

if you'd like to spoon some in.

- Is there, like,
regular alcohol?

- There is not.

- [softly] OK.

- Thank you.
- Thanks

Cheers.
- Cheers.

♪ ♪

Mine is, like,
stuck in the glass.

♪ ♪

[energetic classical music]

- [laughs]
You design toothpaste flavors?

That's crazy!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bye.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[laughter]

- I think she's alone, Dennis.
- You think so?

- Yes...
- What?

- [whispers]
She's by herself.

- Oh.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- [takes deep breath]

♪ ♪

- Thank you so much for coming.

It means a lot.
Take care.

♪ ♪

- [laughs] Hey!
- Hey.

- You here by yourself?
[laughter]

Kidding.

Beautiful ceremony.

Yeah.

- I'm so glad
you could make it, Ruby.

- Wouldn't miss it.

I'm so happy for you, Robert.

- I am too.

I feel like I finally found
the other half of my spirit

and I feel complete.

- Yeah.

Must be a good feeling.

- Oh, it really is.

- [chuckling] Yeah.

You said.

So speaking of other
halves of spirits,

and this is not a big deal,
but I was wondering...

why didn't you give me
a plus-one?

- Oh, uh, you know,

it was just a policy
Sarah and I had

for people who weren't
in a significant relationship.

- Ooh, right.
- Yeah.

- But--and again,
this is not a big deal at all,

but did you know for a fact

that I wasn't in
a significant relationship,

or did you just assume?

- I--I thought I'd heard.

- Because it kind of
feels like you assumed

and I'm not sure why.

Like, we texted when
I asked if you were molested

on that Nickelodeon show,
which honestly feels like

it would have been
the perfect opportunity

to ask, but you didn't.

And I guess I don't know,

I don't know why
you think it was so crazy

that I'd be with someone,

because I actually thought
I did a--I don't know--

a nice job
in our relationship.

I didn't just give up.

I--
I considered your feelings.

I developed shared interests.

I compromised.

I tried.

Which, honestly,
is why I was surprised

when you broke up with me.

But I mean, it is fine.

It is fine.

It is fine.
It was forever ago.

And now--and now you are here
marrying Sarah,

who is a radiant mermaid.

But also, like,

how did you know
we weren't right?

- This.

- Huh?

- This is how I knew.

I mean, you're making
my wedding about you

while my parents

and a line of people
are waiting to talk to me.

- I'm not making it about me.

You were making this about me
when you assumed

that I was single
and I'm just trying--

- Why are we talking
about this?

- Well, I would have talked
to my plus-one about it,

but I didn't get one.

- Maybe if you weren't
like this,

you'd have a plus-one.

Like, this is why I didn't
want Sarah to invite you.

You haven't changed at all.

I cannot believe
you're still this selfish.

Now if you wouldn't mind,

my old pediatrician
would like to congratulate me.

DocDoc Steiner!
Hey!

How's it going?

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

- Stout and a spoon, please.
- Here you go.

- Having fun?

- Not in the slightest.

You?

- Nope.

I've gotten zero compliments
on my kimono.

One person even called it
cultural appropriation.

But I'm like, whatever, dude.

Like, women wear berets, so--
[scoffs]

- It's hard to argue
with any part of that.

[inhales deeply]

At least our girl
is having fun.

- Please. She's not really
learning how to play.

[sighs]

You want a real drink?

- If you have been drinking
actual alcohol at this thing,

I swear to Elsbeth.

- Hey, everyone.

It's me, Craig.

Uh, who's ready for two
long-ish stories about Robert?

- I also have weed.

- Let us go far
from this place.

- This one is, uh, the kegger.

Uh, he was wrestling
with my dad.

[indistinct chatter]

[crickets chirping]

[Ruby slurps]

- Mm.
- [chuckling] You OK?

- Oh, yeah.

Sort of.

The groom just told me some...

rude information about myself.

But I don't know.
You'd probably just agree.

- Try me.

- Well, he said I was selfish.

- [coughs and laughs]

Yeah, big time.

- [sighs]

- But whatever.
[clears throat]

Aren't we all?
You, me, everyone?

Robert?
That ding-dong is selfish.

I mean,
who has all their friends

ferry out to the woods
on a Thursday?

Fuck that guy.

- Yeah, fuck that guy.

Maybe it seems
like I'm selfish,

but really, it's like AJ says,

I just have high standards
for myself.

- I get it.

Every time
I leave the apartment,

I think maybe, just maybe,

I'll save a baby.

From whatever.

Like, an out-of-control car,
or, like, a falling elevator,

neglectful nanny.

I don't know.

Probably won't happen.

- I mean,
if I'm being honest...

guess I thought it would all
turn out better,

that I'd be...

further along by now.

- It's like we all have this
idea of where we should be.

And there's where we are.

The reality.

With our careers,
our relationships.

Like, how's someone's supposed
to know, like,

this is the person
I'm supposed to end up with?

- Totally.

Life doesn't come
with a manual.

[chuckling]
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I don't know where
that came from.

I think I read it
on a dish towel.

[Zack chuckles]

Still good with
that kimono choice?

- Um--

- You still think that was

a smart move to wear
to the wedding?

- I do.
This shit is awesome.

I'm never going back
on this choice.

Look at all these folds
I can, like, store stuff in.

I'm like fucking 007.
Look at all this stuff.

[Ruby chuckling]
I got a flask.

I got my weed in here.

I got my driver's license,
my motel room key.

- [chuckling] Oh, fancy.
Motel room key.

- Yeah, well,
I'm a pretty fancy guy.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[old-timey accent]
You're a fancy guy with your--

with your kimono and its folds.

You gonna take a girl
home tonight?

- Yeah, I'm gonna
take every girl--

every woman in
these woods home.

- [chuckling]
Oh, yeah, you are!

You're going to take all the
women home from these woods.

- Yeah,
I'm like Winnie the Pooh

looking for that honey pot.

- Search for that honey pot,
you fancy kimono man!

- I'm like a little bumblebee
looking to sting.

- Ooh, a-buzz, a-buzz, a-buzz.
- [laughs]

- Buzz,
buzzing towards your honey.

- That's right, that's right.
- Buzz towards your honey pot.

- You fancy kimon--

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Oh, fuck!

- Oh! Oh, my God!
Get up! Get up!

Oh, my God, we did the worst.

We did the absolute worst.

We did the fucking worst!

Oh, oh!

And, like, 20 missed texts
from AJ.

Where did you go?
Hello?

A selfie in bed
next to the cellist.

Cello!
- Hold up. What?

What the fuck?

I can't believe she did that.

- I can't believe we did this!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

[inhales deeply]

We can never tell her
what happened, OK?

Never!
- Why would I tell her?

She would never
talk to me again.

- And shit.
It's Friday.

I have to work.

Oh!
[groans]

Just make us a couple Keurigs
while I shower, OK?

Oh, I hope there's Wi-Fi
on the ferry.

I am a monster!

- [sighs]

- [sighs] Sorry I'm late.

I had to go back into the woods
for my heels.

- Hey, no worries.

Gave the chef time to prepare
all the different smelts.

♪ ♪

- Uh, right.

That is what we're doing today.

The smelt tasting.

Yum.

- Yeah, my parents
are gonna love this.

Different types of oily,
buttery fishes.

That is their heaven.

- Mine too.
[Isaac chuckles]

Is there any way
I could get, like, a Sprite?

- Mm, I cannot believe

there are eight different ways
to enjoy smelt.

Mm!
Chef's kiss!

Um, yes, chef.

- Those are two different--

- Hi, you must be Ruby.
I'm Merci.

- [chuckling] Hi. I didn't
realize you'd be here today.

Hi.

- Yeah, Merci's a huge foodie
like my mom.

She wanted to come
to the tasting.

- Mm, I love food.

Just like GeeGeeGigi.
[Isaac chuckles]

- Uh, what words are those?

- Oh, that's what I call
Isaac's mom, GeeGeeGigi.

We're, like, very close.

- OK, wonderful.
That's--love that.

- OK, first smelt is up.

Who's ready
for a fish so tender

you can spread it
like cream cheese?

- Mm.

- For a second,
you're gonna think

your body can't hold it.

But count to ten, and it will.

- [inhales deeply]
Stop talking about the fish.

- Mmm.
- Wow.

- So, uh, Merci,
I've heard so much about you.

You're a marine biologist?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And I also work with a charity

that's very near and dear
to my heart.

- [gasps]
That's so selfless of you.

Which one?

- People Experiencing
Car-lessness,

Specifically Women.

Yeah, we provide transportation
to un-carred people.

Specifically women.

- Oh.

That sounds like a great cause.

[chuckles]

I'm trying to understand it,
but it's hard.

So women who don't have cars,
you give them one?

- Yes, but not just un-carred.

They're also usually un-homed.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, sorry, it's the lab.

Hey, Glenda.

OK, well, did you
get the blood work back?

Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

No, I'm listening.

Hold on, I'm just--

I'm just going to--

OK.
OK, I'm here.

Yeah.

[phone buzzing]

[Ruby sighs]

- You OK?

- Honestly, no.

I made a horrible mistake at
last night's Thursday wedding,

and I just--

I did something unforgivable
to a friend.

- Hey, look, we--

we all do things we regret.

It doesn't mean
you're a bad person.

Is it your friend AJ?

- How'd you know?

- Well, he seems to really
want to get a hold of you.

- Oh.
[chuckles]

AJ's a she.

- OK.

Um, does AJ know what happened?

- I've never kept a secret
from her before.

- Well, I mean, this is clearly
someone who's important to you.

The sooner you tell her,

the sooner you can get past
whatever it is

and get your friendship
back on track.

- OK, second smelt.

Listen, I'm not gonna lie
to you guys.

This one is tough.

- Rubes, that you?

- Yeah, it's me.

Sorry I didn't call you back.
I was, uh, slammed at work.

Fuck.

- We got back together!

- No, I--

Zack took all his
gaming stuff.

- He called this morning.

I told him I hooked up
with the cellist,

which really seemed
to upset him.

He told me he hooked up
with someone,

and it led to
a whole big discussion,

like an actual adult discussion

about what we want
and what we need.

It was different and nice.

And then...

sawfish!

I'm naming him Terrence.

- OK, wow!

- Zack's just
bringing his stuff back over

from his friend Felix's place.

Who do you think
he hooked up with?

Did you see him
talking to anyone?

- I think it...

was the bartender.

- I had a feeling.

Anyway, that's not what
I needed to tell you.

Where have you been?

- Oh, I, uh--

I was gonna take a bus back,

but I just fell asleep
in the woods.

- Disgusting.

I cannot believe you left

before the speeches last night.

It was crazy.

- Yeah, so as many of you

who are close to me know,

I'm dying,
so I got married.

Check everything off
the bucket list.

- No.

Not Robert!

- Yes.
Lymphoma.

And that's not even
the best part.

Look what I figured out.

We found out about the deaths
in this order,

but David actually died first,

so they really died
in this order.

And I'm gonna redo all this.
It's gonna look good.

But just so you can see,

they died in the order
you slept with them.

[somber dramatic music]

- No.

No, this--

that can't be true.

- I hate to say, but it is.

- Michael!

You forgot Michael.

I slept with Michael
in between Jeffrey and Stu.

He just liked an Instagram post

of a James Baldwin poem
I paraphrased.

Michael's fine.

[tense somber music]

♪ ♪

- That's six.

- [whispering]
My vagina is killing people.

- ♪ It's an emergency ♪

[Cecile Believe's
"Bitch Bites Dog"]

♪ My salivating kitty
needs a dog on a leash ♪

♪ She walks me sometimes ♪

♪ When I want
to lose my mind ♪

♪ And I want to lose
my mind tonight ♪

♪ Will this feeling
ever go away? ♪

♪ Will it take
a sixth extinction ♪

♪ Just to kill off
all the pain? ♪

♪ Wish I could live my life
in peace ♪

♪ Without ripping off
a little bit of meat ♪

♪ I can't take another night
inside my body ♪

♪ I can't take
another night inside my body ♪

♪ I can't take another night
inside my body ♪

♪ Better get home and satisfy
before this bitch bites dog ♪

♪ Bitch bites dog ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Bitch bites-- ♪

- I think that's a good idea.