Original subtitles

- No. Naughty. [laughs] Naughty. - [grunts]

[Laszlo] Cravensworth's Monster

has entered a remarkable new phase of development.

- He's horny. - [grunts]

- No. - [Laszlo] For a creature

entirely cobbled together

- with cadaver parts... - [Doll Nadja] Naughty boy.

[Laszlo] ...his drive to fornicate

is phenomenal.

[Doll Nadja] Okay, just make it quick.

Like I said, he's horny.

So we have decided this monster needs a bride.

So, we've started building him a bride,

but with the...

- And now he's going to town on himself again. - [grunting]

Oh. Stay in the two-shot, please.

He's got his hand in the cookie jar.

Stop fucking doing that.

- Now, where were we? - Dude's horny.

[grunts]

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

Guillermo and I have decided to join forces

to fight crime together.

Technically, I have not agreed to that yet.

Do you not like the crime-fighting outfit

I got you for your secret identity?

Are you ready, Cowboy Kid?

Let's clean up this city.

Very nice.

I don't think anyone's gonna be afraid

of Kid Cowboy.

They will when his partner shows up.

And who are you supposed to be again?

They call me The Phantom Menace.

No. That's already taken.

Shit.

We will track down evildoers

from our secret underground lair.

[fanfare playing]

[Guillermo] Wow. Look at that.

Wh-Where exactly is this lair?

Deep, deep under the ground,

like 1,000 feet down under the house.

- Uh-huh. - Now, there will be a secret lever

on my coffin.

When I pull it,

the floor opens up, and the coffin

goes down, like an elevator.

- That's cool. - Mm.

- Thank you. - I don't think you need a lair, though.

Then where am I supposed to put my super computer?

- Hmm? - Your what?

My super computer.

The lair is really the best bit.

Sounds fun, but I think I know how this ends up.

[whispering] This ends up with me doing all the work.

- [whispering] It's gonna be equal partnership. - How so?

- You do some stuff. I do some stuff. - Got it. Great.

Settled.

Then, if I am too busy, then you can do some of my stuff.

[normal volume] There it is.

[Colin] We've assembled about 90%

of the Monster's bride-to-be,

but once again, we need the right head.

Fortunately, the Monster has shown us his preference.

He's made it pretty obvious which way he swings.

For you, me lady.

[Laszlo] Right. It appears our Monster

has just torn off his own penis

and presented it to The Guide as a gift.

Again.

This dude loves The Guide,

but so does Nandor,

and so, we've asked Nadja

to see if he would mind if The Guide... you know.

Hmm... How do I put this?

I mean, I do think

that there is a part of The Guide that does love Nandor.

- Mm. - So, how's about,

with the parts that don't love you,

maybe we do something else with those. [chuckles]

Sorry, what? What do you mean by that?

[Laszlo] We're hoping he won't object

to The Guide donating her head

for the creation of the bride of Cravensworth's Monster.

And her-her...

And her... boobs.

I mean, most of her... attributes, and...

- [crew member] I think we're done. - What's that?

[crew member] I think we've got everything we need.

- Oh? - All right. Absolutely.

Good stuff.

[Nadja] If you had to pick a part

that you wanted...

- Mm-hmm. - [female crew member] I think we have what we need.

Oh. Sure.

- Oh, okay, yeah. Um... - No problemo.

- [Laslo] Take my microphone there. - [Colin] Have a good one.

[grunts]

[Nadja] Thank you. [chuckles]

[Nandor] There we go.

[Guillermo] Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

- Hey. - [Colin and Nandor] Wassup?

[Guillermo] What's going on? I just heard the crew saying

that the documentary is ending?

The... What?

Well, it has been six years, Guillermo.

They said they have enough footage now.

[Guillermo] Why? We're in the middle

of everything, and just... that's it?

- Like... it's done? - [Nadja] Well, you know,

- all good things must come to an end. - [Nadja Doll] Preach.

Does anyone else feel a draft in here?

- I felt something. - [Guillermo] Okay, what are we doing?

- What's our game plan here? - [Nandor] I don't know.

We could throw another log on the fireplace.

- No, not that. - Or wrap ourselves up in a cozy quilt.

No, you guys, don't you think it's weird that we've been

doing this, and it's all of a sudden just ending?

Just, poof, it's just done. It all ends. What?

[Nadja] This is not the end of anything.

We will keep doing

what we always do.

It's just these, um, camera, microphone people

will no longer be filming it.

Well, that's what I'm talking about. You know, we've been

doing this for so long, like, years of our lives, like,

- don't you think it's a little weird... - [saw whirring]

- Laszlo! - [saw stops]

[Nadja] Maybe not quite now.

Guillermo clearly needs his diaper changing.

[Guillermo] I'm not wearing a diaper. It's just that it's so

sudden, you know, and... When were you gonna tell me,

by the way? Were you ever gonna tell me?

Am I the last person to know? All of a sudden,

it's just, poof!

It's hardly gone poof, Guillermo.

- [Guillermo] Okay. - The crew will be filming

for at least another couple of hours to get some B-roll.

You're leaving in a couple of hours?

[Nandor] Yes, at sunrise.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

That reminds me, get some B-roll footage

of me reading this big book.

Eh, Guillermo, you know,

two hours is more than enough to finish anything

you could possibly want to do for the cameras.

Do you want to do a little show-and-tell for us?

Or maybe, uh, you could sing a little song.

My lady wife's right. Sing a little song.

Do a little dance.

- Yeah, do a jig. Come on, jig. - [Laszlo] Go on.

- Come on, boy, dance. - [overlapping chatter]

- Take 'em off. - It's getting hot in here,

and I'm gonna get some fresh air.

- You've got the best moves. - [Laszlo] Do a dance.

- Let's see what you've got. - [Nandor] Dance! Dance!

- Dance! Dance! - [Colin] Yeah, do a jig.

- [Laszlo] Dance, boy. - [Nandor] Shake it. - Bye, bitch.

Nandor.

- Hmm? I... - A private moment, please.

- [Nadja] Come on. - [sighs]

Excuse us.

[sighs]

You need to go and talk to Guillermo now.

I was doing my B-roll.

Uh, what about this, guys?

Is this good for the edit?

- Hmm... - Nandor!

Listen to me.

I have actually learned a lot

about human psychology

from doing my, uh, big Wall Street job,

and I can tell that

Guillermo is actually very sad about the documentary ending.

Eh, he will get over it.

- [sighs] - Or maybe he won't.

I guess we'll never know.

Kidding. We will know,

but you will not because you didn't bother filming it.

- Don't be rude. - What about...

Yes. Something like, uh...

- How's this? Is this anything? - Nandor! I'm serious.

These last six years are the only

slightly exciting thing to ever happen to Guillermo

in his whole sad life.

- What? - You know, it is like

the cameras pretending to film him,

it made him feel like he was as important as we are.

Mm...

It's like when you put a little raincoat on a dog,

and the dog is walking around thinking, "Oh!

Woof, woof. I am like a little human."

- [laughs] -"I've got a coat on." But they're not.

They're just a little shit dog.

That is Guillermo,

and he's not going to have any of that anymore.

But I'm sure something interesting

will happen to Guillermo eventually.

[sighs] Fine.

I will fix.

How are you guys doing with this whole thing ending?

Do you need to talk to someone or...? 'Cause I'm here.

[Colin] There, there, buddy.

Listen, you know I'm not

the most sentimental S.O.B. on the planet, but, uh,

one time when I was down,

a wise man said something that

really put it all into perspective.

What'd he say?

"Don't cry because it's over,

smile because it happened."

I think I read that on a mug,

- but thank you. That's very nice. - Sure.

[Nandor] Knock, knock, knock, knock, knocking.

Colin Robinson, would you mind if I had a word with Guillermo?

No, not at all. We're done.

- Thank you, Colin. - Yeah.

Don't-don't hug me.

[Nandor] Guillermo,

I know that this is a big change for you.

But in life, we always go through big changes.

For example, when I was a young boy,

my favorite color was red.

But now, my favorite color is orange.

Sorry, just remembered one thing.

- [Guillermo] Yeah. - [Colin] "It's not

"the number of breaths we take,

but the number of moments that take our breath away."

That's nice. Thank you.

All right. Later.

Goodbyes are hard.

Yeah.

I once waved farewell

to a departing train for over three hours.

And then I realized that it wasn't a train at all.

It was a flatbed truck full of porta-potties.

- One more quick one... - I'm talking here.

"We laughed until we had to cry.

"We loved right down to our last goodbye.

We were the best." St. Elmo's Fire. 1985.

Okay. Later.

[Nandor] Guillermo...

things end.

And that hurts.

It's just the suddenness of it all.

It just is hitting me so quickly, you know?

I just have all these feelings...

- Uh, Guillermo, you're Irish, right? - No.

Okay, great, then you probably haven't heard this one.

[Irish accent] "May the road rise up to meet you.

"May the wind be always at your back.

- May the sun..." - [sighs]

[normal voice] Fuck, I always forget this part.

Yeah, why don't you think about it

and come back, or just not.

All right, I'll leave you guys to it.

[Nandor sighs] Where was I? I can't even remember

what the fuck I was saying.

You were saying that...

- [sighs] ...goodbyes are hard. - Yes.

So why don't you stop being a little bitch,

come downstairs,

and we can all be together

during your hour of need.

[singsongy] House meeting, house meeting!

Oh, good, you are all here.

- Excellent. - [Guillermo] Excuse me.

Uh, house meeting item number one:

I want to talk about general hygiene in the cell.

Please finish a whole victim first

before moving on to the next one, okay?

- Oh, yeah, that's nasty. - [Nadja] Copy that.

- Shove it up your arsehole. - [Nandor] Just do it.

[sighs] What else do we have here?

Ah, yes, house meeting item number two:

It has come to my attention that Guillermo

has become very emotional

because the documentary is ending.

No, I'll be fine, thank you.

- You are not fine, you're a blubbering mess. - I'm fine.

And I think we should discuss it.

Gizmo's become

addicted to the limelight,

- quite obviously. - [Guillermo] What?

- No, I haven't. - [Laszlo] He is but a walking shadow.

A poor player, who struts and frets

his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.

Laszlo, that is so profound.

Thank you very much.

I just thought of it a second ago.

You know what, one time I did see Guillermo

take a little can of Pringles off

the table of snacks that the documentary crew uses,

so maybe he's worried

that he won't be able to steal food anymore?

- Not stealing. - [Colin] No, he's sad because

he has to end his secret affair with Nate the Boom Operator.

- Ooh! - [Nandor] Guillermo, you dirty dog!

- [Guillermo] What? - [Guide] You know, another time I saw Guillermo

as many Tic Tacs

- as he could fit in his hands. - [Guillermo] Okay...

You people know nothing about human psychologies.

Guillermo is afraid

that he has wasted 16 years of his life serving us,

and it has prevented him from growing

- or changing in any way. - [Nandor] Good point.

The ending of this documentary

is giving him a preview of the ending

of his own frail, human life.

Does that sound right, Gizmo? Does that resonate?

I think the question that Gizmo is asking himself is:

To be or not to be?

Because that is the question

Gizmo is asking himself.

So eloquent.

Again, just off the top of my head.

[Nadja] Just gonna circle back to what I was saying.

Guillermo is very worried

that he will feel equally as unfulfilled

by his own life's journey and meaning.

Be well, everyone.

- It's not... - [Colin] I know what it is.

It's Greg the A-Camera Operator.

Right? Is it Greg the A-Camera Operator

- that you've been secretly fucking? - [Guillermo] No.

And does Nate the Boom Operator know about this?

- [Guillermo] I'm not having affairs with anyone. - [Nadja] Or is it Frank the grip

that looks a lot like Nandor?

[Nandor] He doesn't look like me.

No, that's not it, uh, no.

No offense. You must get upset that things end, right?

Wouldn't mind if this house meeting ended soon.

Well, so what if the documentary ends?

Before you know it,

a new documentary crew will come in

and make a whole new documentary about us.

[scoffs] Well, that seems highly unlikely.

Excuse me, this is not even

the first documentary that was made about us.

What?

[Nandor singsongy] House meeting, house meeting!

Oh, good, you are all here. Excellent.

Right, uh, house meeting item number one:

I want to talk about general hygiene in the cell.

Please, please, please finish a whole victim

before moving on to the next, okay?

[all groaning]

I wouldn't have to keep saying

if you just did it.

Jerry, yes, new business?

- Extremely old business. - Hmm?

I really think we need to start making

more progress conquering America.

Um, hello, we have been making some progress.

We've already got part of Ashley Street.

Laszlo, are you hearing this?

Yes, yes, very good, thank you.

That's it.

- Wait. Where are you going? - I'll tell you

where I'm going: I'm going into super-slumber.

He was always saying that. [chuckles]

The cheek on him.

Laszlo, hello?

- Eureka! - [Nadja] What?

I've got it!

Now, if I increase the voltage

to the diaphragm muscles, the heart should start beating

of its own accord.

Much like this.

- [gasps] - Oh, fucking hell.

- [Nadja] Oh, Laszlo. - [Colin] Oh, hey.

There's an article here on the water main break

"'That was the worst flood I've seen

"since the Great Flood of 1892,'

said local resident Nandor Lee, a dentist."

Nandor, you fucking idiot!

Now everyone's got to know that we are vampires

and that we have lived here from hundreds of years!

[Laszlo] Everyone grab their disguises.

We've got to hit the road before they come for us.

[grunts]

Everybody, grab your go-bags!

No! This is where we make our final stand!

[shouting]

[whimpering] Damn it!

[Nandor] Maybe they don't think we are vampires.

I just said that I am a dentist.

No, you idiot!

You said, "Nandor the Relentless."

They thought you said, "Nandor Lee, a dentist."

- [Nandor] Shit. - Who the fuck are you

and how the fuck did you get in here?

And a pleasure to meet you, young lady.

My name's Daytona.

Jackie Daytona.

And I hail from Tucson.

Tucson, Arizonia.

Is this guy here to kill us?

- It's me, Laszlo. - [Nadja] Oh!

Laszlo, did you just see the very sexy man from Arizonia?

You know what, never mind, we have to go and hit the road.

- Yes, we should. - No, I surrender to no one.

- I got to do one more thing, my darling. - Leave it!

She thinks I'm gonna leave here without my witch's skin hat.

- Well, that would be bullshit. - [Colin] I'm standing my ground!

[explosion]

[indistinct shouting]

Wow.

A lot of the stuff that happened while I was here

happened before.

I mean, there was no me in there,

but I was having very fun adventures.

- So did the documentary ever come out? - [Nandor] No.

They filmed us for ten years, but then they decided

that they didn't have enough good material.

Yeah, said it's just a bunch of boring people doing

the same old shit day after day, nothing changes,

no one ever grows, it's pointless, yada, yada.

- That, too. - See, this is what I've been trying to say, you know?

We've gotten a second chance

to set the record straight on-on vampire life.

You can't stop filming just... [chuckles] Not now.

They haven't even scratched the surface,

you know, of the glory and majesty of vampirism.

- They haven't even really... - Guillermo. Guillermo, sweetie?

Would you mind if I used my deep understanding

human psychologies to offer up some help for you?

- No, thank you, I'm fine, Nadja. - Okay, well, I'm gonna do it anyway.

I want you to know that I'm talking with you, not at you.

- Thank you. - And I say this with love.

[power voice] It's over!

[screams]

- Did you receive that, or... - What?!

If you really feel like you need a special ending to this,

you have about an hour to make it hap'n, cap'n.

Actually, now, about a half hour.

Why don't you do that little dance you've been dying to do,

then we can call it a night.

- Dance! Dance! - Come on, boy, dance!

- Dance! Dance! Dance! - [all clamoring]

Stop! We need an ending, it has to be good, okay?

It has to be good and it has mean something.

Give viewers emotional closure.

[Colin] He's absolutely right.

A lot of shows biff it when it comes to sticking the landing.

I can't tell you how many comments

I've written about this very topic.

Check me out in the discussion threads

on Reddit, IndieWire, Variety, Deadline,

TV Guide, TV Insider, IMDb, Hollywood Reporter,

- Den of Geek... - Ooh! Ooh!

I just got the perfect ending.

Great.

- Mm-hmm? - Guillermo becomes a vampire.

- [Guillermo] Fuck me. - We did that already, last year.

- [Guide] Did we? - [Nandor] Yes, we did.

We turned Guillermo into a vampire...

- [sighs] - ...and then Guillermo decided

-"I don't want to be a vampire anymore." - Okay...

So we had to turn him back again. Took fucking ages.

Really should have finished filming at that point, I think.

- Great out. - Okay, come on. There has to be

something we've learned over the past six years.

You know, how we've grown.

Life lesson. What have we learned? [chuckles]

[quietly] Don't turn Guillermo into a fucking vampire.

Okay. Anyone else?

[Nandor] Uh...

[Guillermo] A lesson we've learned.

- [chuckles softly] - [stammers]

[Guillermo] How we've grown, how we've changed.

Right?

Anyone?

Laszlo, come on. You're a man of science.

Surely you must have learned something.

Mm. All right, then.

♪ We've had lots of laughs ♪

Okay.

♪ Sucked lots of blood! ♪

Yeah.

And then fucked each other senseless.

[plays chord]

- How's that? - [Nadja] Very nice.

Good. That's good.

Anyone else. The-The Guide.

You know what, sure. I-I think I might have

- something to contribute. - [Guillermo] Thank you.

- Great. - All right. [clears throat]

So, all of us in this room are immigrants.

- Mm. - We have come from far-off lands

to this New World for a fresh start.

- Mm. - And even though we're vampires...

- [whispers] Some of us. - ...this country would not be

what it is without us.

And we would not be who we are

without this country.

- Mm. - Yes. Mm. - Yeah.

- That's beautiful. - But lately,

it seems like there are a lot of other immigrants

entering this great country illegally.

- Okay. I don't think we want to end on that note. - And we cannot... What?

- I'm just saying... - So, uh, Colin, how 'bout you?

- What have you learned? - [quietly] MAGAFV.

- [Colin] Well... - What? - MAGAFV.

- Make America Great Again For Vampires. - [Guillermo chuckles nervously]

We got to... We need to edit that part out.

- And probably burn that thing... - Oh, my big boy.

This really is so much simpler than you are making it.

If you really need this special ending,

hello, I'm a vampire... I can just hypnotize everyone

who watches this and give them the ending

they would find most satisfying.

How would that even work?

Like this.

You who are watching this will now see

the most perfect ending you could possibly imagine

with your simple, little human minds...

Honey?

[audience laughing, clapping]

- Honey, wake up. - Hmm?

You won't believe the dream I just had.

[groans softly]

[audience laughs]

Don't you want to hear about it?

[groans softly]

[audience laughter]

[applause]

All right, Nandor. What is it?

I was a vampire,

and I lived with a bunch of other vampires

in this old house in Staten Island.

I'm happy for you. Good night.

Nothing... nothing made sense in this place.

There was this vampire couple.

He was like an old-timey British-type guy

and his wife was from this small Mediterranean island,

and she was, like, super aggressive

and cleverer than me.

[audience laughter]

And there was this bald guy

who was, like, really boring,

but on purpose.

And you were like my butler or something.

Well, that settles it.

No more Japanese food before you go to bed.

Good night.

[laughter, applause]

[cheering, whistling]

[Guillermo sighs softly]

And we were all having sex with each other all the time.

- Not with you, Guillermo. - [Guillermo] Go back to sleep.

Good night, honey.

♪ ♪

So, will the hypnosis work?

Probably? Maybe?

I mean, I did use very extra powerful hypnosis,

so anyone who watches, its IQ will drop by ten to 20 points

due to their brain scramblies,

but that's the price of business, is it not?

[chuckles]

I, uh, I actually have something I'd like to say,

regarding what I've learned these past few years.

We're born into families,

and-and my family wasn't-wasn't great.

But we also have our chosen families,

the people who we choose

- to surround ourselves with. - [Nadja] Mm.

They may not be your blood relatives,

but they look out for you and-and you look out for them.

And they accept you for who you are

and lift you up when y-you're down.

Being here tonight with you guys makes me realize, um...

- There, there. - ...makes me realize

how much I dearly miss my chosen family,

who all died in a steamboat accident in 1906,

leaving me with no choice but to hang out

- with you stinky turds. - Okay, you know what?

- I tried and... - [Nandor] No, you know what, Guillermo?

You are right.

This is an important moment,

and it requires important words.

Excuse me?

I, too, like Colin Robinson, have been thinking

not just about this world, but my own life.

From my humble beginnings as a foot soldier in Al Quolanudar

to my reign of terror as a great warrior,

pillaging and killing.

I was riding my horse.

From...

from becoming a vampire

to arriving in this land of plenty,

I have lived a full life.

But there's always been something missing.

And it is now that I've realized what that something is.

An underground crime-fighting lair accessible only

- by an elevator-coffin thingy... - [exhales]

[Nandor] No, hear me out:

Use a lever in the coffin, you pull it,

- the floor opens up... - Okay. Okay.

...and the coffin dives down.

- Okay. - I'm talking here.

Well, I feel like you've only thought about this

for the last two weeks.

Thank you for shitting on my dream.

- I wasn't sh... - In fact, you know,

that's a really good name for this documentary.

"Thank You for Shitting All Over My Dream."

[Guillermo] Okay, fine. You know what?

- I'm out. - Wait, no, Guillermo.

Why don't you tell us what you've learned?

Better still, why don't you tell us

- in song? - Oh, yes.

And you can do a little dance as well.

- Yeah, and a jig, do a jig. - [Laszlo] Dance, boy.

[all] Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance...

Silence!

There'll be no dancing or jigging

or singing.

Guillermo, you have the floor.

Speak from the heart.

Okay.

I believe in you.

- Thank you. - Make it good.

- I guess... - For the camera.

Okay.

- I guess... - For that camera.

- I guess... - Sounds perfect.

Um, so...

I guess I came to this house

because I wanted to be a vampire.

And I became one.

Well, briefly.

It just wasn't for me, um...

- [Monster grunts] - But I stayed in the house.

And why did I stay? Well... [chuckles softly]

I mean, for 16 years I was chasing this dream,

you know, and when that dream was...

- [Monster grunting] - ...gone, I still stayed.

[Nadja] My darling, what is he doing?

- [Laszlo] He's fucking that bear. - I think...

humans like to think that we have thousands of roads

- we can choose from, right? - [Nadja] Can you make him stop?

- You only have two, really. - [Laszlo] I don't think I can.

- He'll stop when he's finished... - You're only always leaving home

or you're always coming back to home.

- [Guide] I don't mind that he's humping the bear... - What is home?

Glad you asked. Home is essentially...

[Guide] ...but it seems like he's making eye contact with me

- directly while he does it. - ...where your friends are.

- Friends... - Maybe don't make eye contact with him

- and he'll stop humping it. - Sorry, are you hearing me?

Is the mic gonna pick it up? Just...

- I was talking. Friends... - [Monster] Guide lady, look, me.

...who are there

- to build you up, you know? - [Nandor] Worth a try.

They are there to support you. They weren't just...

[Nadja] You know, I was finding this annoying, but...

They're there, they become a part of you.

[Nadja] But now I'm finding it very erotic.

- They've made you who you are. - [Monster groans]

- They are your everything. - [others exclaiming]

- [Colin] He found a hole somewhere. - [applause]

Thank you.

Oh, okay.

I guess they're clapping for the Monster

and whatever they did with the bear.

Guillermo, you won't believe what just happened.

The Monster fucked that bear.

[mimics Johnny Carson] Some wild and wacky stuff.

Okay, and now he's ripped his penis off.

- Oh, no. - [Laszlo] He's handing it to The Guide.

And they say romance is dead.

- [weak chuckle] - Well, if Gizmo is not gonna sing...

- Cheers. - [Laszlo] ...then I might.

- Yeah. No. - [Nandor] I'd love to sing a song.

[Laszlo] Want to join?

- You guys go ahead. - [Nadja clears throat]

♪ We'll meet again ♪

♪ Don't know where ♪

♪ Don't know when... ♪

[Laszlo] Everyone join in.

♪ But I know we'll meet again ♪

♪ Some sunny day ♪

[sniffles]

♪ Keep smiling through ♪

♪ Just like you ♪

♪ Always do ♪

♪ Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds ♪

♪ Far away ♪

[Laszlo] Everyone except The Guide!

♪ So will you please say hello ♪

♪ To the folks that I know ♪

♪ Tell them it won't be long. ♪

Guillermo, I was very moved by your final words of wisdom

to camera.

Thank you.

To be honest, Guillermo,

I was also a little sad

when they said the documentary was ending.

But after giving it a lot of thought,

I think it's a good thing that

the cameras aren't filming us all the time.

Why's that?

Lots of reasons.

S... Such as?

You know those big lights that they use when they film us?

- Mm-hmm. - Sometimes they get too hot.

When they do, they give off a smell.

And when I smell that smell,

I think my hair's on fire.

So I definitely won't miss that.

And how 'bout one...

one of the other reasons?

Actually, no, that's it.

[Nandor] Mm...

[sighs]

- Wait. - Yes?

I think you should know that...

...tomorrow, when you wake up...

...I won't be here.

What even are you talking about, Guillermo?

[inhales deeply]

It's time to move on.

It's been time for me to move on for...

quite a while now. [chuckles softly]

And with...

...the documentary and everything ending...

I mean, what other kind of sign do I need from the universe?

[inhales sharply] So, I'm going...

to do that.

But what about us joining forces

and fighting crime in a coequal partnership,

operating out of a hidden underground lair

accessible exclusively by a top-secret coffin elevator?

Tell you what...

- ...wherever I go... - Hmm?

...wherever I am,

- I'll look at the news every night. - Hmm.

And if I ever hear of some magnificent,

fearsome half-man, half-bat

bringing evildoers to justice...

...I'll know who that was.

Because it will be me.

Yeah. That's kind of what I meant.

Goodbye, Guillermo.

[whispering] Goodbye, Master.

You can call me "Nandor."

I know.

But you'll always be "Master" to me.

["We'll Meet Again" by Guy Lombardo playing]

♪ We'll meet again ♪

♪ Don't know where ♪

♪ Don't know when ♪

♪ But I know we'll meet again ♪

♪ Some sunny day ♪

♪ Keep smiling through ♪

♪ Just like you always do ♪

♪ Till the blue skies ♪

♪ Drive the dark clouds far away ♪

♪ So will you please say hello ♪

♪ To the folks that I know ♪

♪ Tell them I won't be long ♪

- ♪ They'll be happy to know ♪ - [Nate] Tail slate.

♪ That as you saw me go ♪

- ♪ I was singing this song ♪ - Ladder.

♪ We'll meet again ♪

- Mark it. - ♪ Don't know where ♪

♪ Don't know when ♪

♪ But I know we'll meet again ♪

- ♪ Some sunny day... ♪ - Hi, sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry, guys.

Sorry. Just a minute. I need to...

[Nate] Hold the work.

- Thank you. - [Nate] Yeah.

Sorry.

Guillermo, I thought I'd never see you again.

No, I just said those things because

I wanted to give the documentary an ending.

So we can commence with

our crime-fighting partnership?

No.

I really do need to do my own thing.

But... just because we don't work together

doesn't mean we can't be friends.

Friends.

Yeah.

Guillermo, I have never allowed you

to do this before, but...

...come and sit with me inside my coffin.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

[laughs] Oh...

To be friends would be cool.

But you know what would be really cool?

What?

Are you kidding me?

What? When did you do this?

I've been working on it a while.

Well, does it work?

There's only one way to find out.

- Guillermo, let's roll. - Wait, wait, wait, wait!

[screaming]

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

♪ Say goodbye to Hollywood ♪

♪ Say goodbye, my baby ♪

♪ Say goodbye to Hollywood ♪

♪ Say goodbye, my baby ♪

[Nandor on film] Now, before we go into the reading of the...

So, this is a rough cut, right?

You're open to notes?

[Nadja] Shh, Colin Robinson.

Please, finish a whole victim

before moving on to a next one, okay?

I do say that a lot, don't I?

So, this is going to be on the television?

I bloody hope not.

Well, I get the gist.

[Nandor on film] It's not hygienic!

[Nandor] I think I do, too.

[both hissing]

♪ Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes ♪

♪ I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again ♪

♪ Say goodbye to Hollywood ♪

♪ Say goodbye, my baby ♪

♪ Say goodbye to Hollywood ♪

♪ Say goodbye ♪

♪ My baby. ♪