All language subtitles for Americas Sweethearts 2001track3_[und]

[ Man Narrating ]
America first fell in love

with Eddie Thomas
and Gwen Harrison

in the box office smash
Autumn With Greg And Peg.

They had the most celebrated
marriage in Hollywood.

[ Sighs ]

Who could forget how they
hit one out of the park

in Requiem For An Outfielder?

You can't die, Mike.
You can't.

Because I love you.

♪♪ [ Theme Swells ]

Justice never tasted
so sweet

as in The Bench.

I didn't do it.
I'm innocent.

Why won't anyone
believe me?

- I object, Your Honor!
- You're out of order!

No, you're out of order, sir!

I object to the way
my client has been treated.

I object to the fact
that I've allowed
my professional judgment

to become clouded
by my feelings for my client.

I object to the way
the room seems to spin
whenever she walks into it.

I object, Your Honor,
because I love this woman.

Their love opened our eyes

in Sasha And The Optometrist.

Read from
the top line, Sasha.

I L...

O V E...

Y O--

Oh...

- You.
- Doctor Martin.

Eddie Thomas
and Gwen Harrison,

America's sweethearts.

God, they were great.
Made my job cake.

Danny, I did the press
for all of their movies.

All nine. Six of them
did over a hundred
million dollars.

Yep, they were
on top of the world.

And then she had to go
and blow it by taking up
with that Spaniard.

- Did you cut this yourself?
- No, Chad in marketing--

Whoa, ho.
Always take credit.

That is survival rule
number one.

Okay, yes.
I did it on my Mac.

Rule number two: Don't take
credit until someone actually
says they like what you did.

It's not bad.

I hope this isn't too
awkward for you, Lee.

- I know I'll never be able
to fill your shoes.
- Oh, I know.

Kingman's office just called.
He's down in the screening room

He wants you to take a look
at something right away.

Karen, would you please
remind Mr. Kingman that
he fired me last week.

And then invite him,
at his earliest convenience,
to kiss my undercarriage.

I think you'll
want to see this, Lee.

[ Squeaking ]

Hello, Dave.

Lee.
Thank you for coming.

Why am I here?
No, I'm-I'm just confused.

I mean, after all,
you did fire me last week
so, why-why am I here?

I brought you here to see
the new Hal Weidmann film.

Really?

Eddie and Gwen's last movie.
You know their movies
better than anybody.

Have you seen it?
All of it?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

How is it?

Would you
roll that please?

I want you to be
the first to see what only
I have seen. As a friend.

[ Beep ]

♪♪ [ Orchestral Fanfare ]

♪♪ [ Crescendos ]

♪♪ [ Slowing, Stopping ]

Is something wrong?

Did the film break?
No.

The film's fine.
At least I think the film
is fine, wherever it is.

I spent $86 million

of the studio's money

on 20 seconds of titles.

Oh.

That's all he sent me.

The titles!

And a note.

"Dave, we can also
do these in blue."

[ Grunts ]
We had to make
a Hal Weidmann picture!

The man's won
three Oscars.
He's a genius.

No! There's only been one
genius in this business
and that was Senor Wences!

A little lipstick,
some hair and his hand!

And the guy had
a career for 85 years!
Do you remember? Huh?

[ Imitating
Character's Squeaks ]
All right? All right?

Don't talk to me
about genius.

- Do you remember
the crazy guy in the woods?
- Ted Kaczynski.

- Who, the guy at Fox?
- The Unabomber.

Yeah, the Unabomber, okay?

Remember how he lived
in that little cabin?

So?

Hal Weidmann
bought that cabin
from the government

and had it moved
onto his property.

[ Phone Rings ]

That is where
he edits his movies.

That is his little,
twisted, sicko office.

It's him.
On the phone.

- Who?
- Hal.

I'm gonna kill him!
That sick,
son-of-a-bitch bastard.

Put him
on the speaker.
Hi, Hal.

[ Kingman ]
How are you, darling?

I've been thinking about you
'cause I wanted to-to-to
send you a basket or something.

- How's the movie?
- It's finding its way.

Well, could it find
its way to the studio?

Because we have a few
little things to do with it,
like finish it. [ Laughs ]

- It's finished, Dave.
- Oh. Great.

- How is it?
- My mother thinks it's
the best thing I've ever done.

- Can I speak with her?
- No, Dave.

- Can we send someone
to pick it up, Hal?
- No, Dave.

You haven't said anything
yet about the titles.

Oh. Oh, I love them.
I have no notes.

- When's the press junket?
- The weekend of the 21st.
Why?

'Cause I want the press
to be the first to see it.

- Uh no.
- I'll bring it to the junket.
We'll experience it together.

No. Hal,
no, no, no. No. No.

I'm the head of the studio.
I don't experience things
with the press.

- I'm hangin' up now, Dave.
- Wait. No, Hal, wait!

Hello, Hal?
No. No. Hal--

God-- damn it!

[ Grunting ]

He's not gonna
let us see the movie
until the press sees it.

At the junket.

Yes! At the junket.

No. No.

Lee. Lee. You've got
to do this junket for me.

You want me to set up a junket
in two weeks and you're not
even sure if you have the film.

Yes.

No!

Lee!

Lee! Lee!
Don't make me beg.

You already are.

Lee, please.
Please, come on, Lee.

Danny can handle it.

No. Lee, no.
Danny cannot handle it.

It's his first junket.
He can't handle it.
I need the master.

When it comes to putting
together a junket and working
with the press, you're a legend.

I prefer to remain
a living legend.

All right, look.
If you won't do it for me,
do it for my father, okay?

You guys worked
together a long time.
You had a real bond.

Your father
was a psychotic.

You spoke at his funeral.

I loved him.
You I can't stand.

Lee, please, you've gotta
do this for me. Please.

The studio's gonna go under.
I haven't had a hit
in almost two years.

And I have what may be the last
Eddie and Gwen movie ever made.

And I cannot
get my hands on it!

All right.
Tell me what you want,
and I'll tell you what I want.

I want only one thing:
If people think
Eddie and Gwen

are back together again,
they will go see this movie.

I need you
to make that happen.

Oh, that'll be easy.

No. Well, look,
just make it look like
maybe it could happen.

Dave, she has a restraining
order against him, and he
flipped out. He's nuts.

He's living
in some nut hut
in the mountains.

So what? I don't care.
I need Eddie and Gwen
back together again.

Smiling and happy.

We can sell the shit
outta that, Lee.

What about the Spaniard?

Unless I get a script
called I Schtupped Castro,

I don't know
what to do with him.

- So what do you want?
- I want the golf cart.

No, that was a gift
from Arnold, so--

I'm kidding.

Oh, okay.

I can have anything.

Yeah. Any--
Within reason, yeah.

I want my job back.

Lee, don't
do this, please.

Listen, have a great junket.
Drop me a line.
Let me know how it went.

All right, Lee. Yes.

If you get Eddie and Gwen
back together again,

you can have your job back.

- Where are we booked?
- Four Seasons, Beverly Hills.

Cancel.
We need to get these people
out in the middle of nowhere.

Once they find out there's
no movie, they can't escape.

We need to find a hotel
like the one in The Shining.
You know, isolated.

Well, what about the new Hyatt
in Nevada? It's in the desert
and it's just opening.

Book it.
Now we have to keep the press
entertained and on the go.

The best junkets are where
the press thinks it's not about
the movie, but about them.

So we have to program
the shit outta them.

Cocktail parties,
hay rides, circle jerks.
Whatever you have to do

to keep them from remembering
they haven't seen the movie
they're there to review.

- What are we doing for gifts?
- Oh, well, the movie's about a
cop who travels through time.

So I did a gun.

You're gonna give members
of the press a gun?

Well, no, it's not real--

No, we'll do a really nice bag.
Call Sol, the bag man.

Diamond earrings for the ladies,
money clips for the men.
Chocolate truffles, perfume.

Listen, Danny, I don't want
this to be awkward for you,
but I've got some work to do.

Well, how are you gonna
get Eddie and Gwen there?

Don't worry.
I know somebody.

Lee, you know I love you.
You know I'd do
anything for you.

You're just asking
an awful lot.

Well, a press junket
with Eddie isn't high
on Gwen's list of priorities.

Oh, no lilies, honey.
Take them out.

Yes, I understand.

Yes. Oh, excuse me. Hold on.
Could you please put that out?
Please, please, please.

This will be
perfect for Gwen.

Yes. Absolutely.

She'd love it.

I can't accept unsolicited
material. I'm so sorry.

I'm just warning you it's
going to be a bit of a fight.
That's all I'm saying.

I'll do what I can.
Okay. God help us.

[ Man ]
Okay, the interview's over.
We're in commercial break.

When we come back,
you know the scenario.

[ Woman ]
Yeah. I've been
here before, Larry.

We'll take calls,
you look right at that camera.

For sure.

Like you're talking
right to the caller.

Right down the tube.

Okay, five seconds.
[ Bell Rings ]

Okay, let's go to phone calls
now on Larry King Live.

White Plains, you're
on the air with Gwen Harrison.

[ Woman ] Hi, Larry.

Uh, Gwen, um, hi.
I used to be a big fan.

But, I'm sorry, I can't
get over what happened
with you and Eddie.

I am so sick over it.

- I can't sleep at night.
How can you?
- Well, um-um--

Well, you do sleep
next to a very handsome young
Spanish gentleman, do you not?

Let's go to our next call.
Rock Island, Illinois. Hello.

[ Woman ]
Hi, Larry. Gwen,
I saw your latest movie.

Thank you.

I just couldn't
sit through it.

I can't watch you
without Eddie.
It's just not the same.

This has to be
very hard to hear, Gwen.

Your last two movies,
the ones you did without Eddie,

they crashed and burned
at the box office.

Well, uh, they were
very big in Europe, Larry,

and huge in Japan, actually.

Still, it's gotta be tough.
Two unsuccessful movies
in a row.

Lots of intrigue,
lots of whispers,
lots of talk.

What happens
if this one tanks?

I hate Larry King.
I hate him.

Oh, honey.

Why did I do his stupid show?

Just breathe.

I don't wanna breathe.

"Your last two movies
crashed and burned."

Just wanted to reach over
and choke him to death
with those stupid suspenders.

Gwen.

Everyone hates me.

No. No one hates you.

Yes, they do.

And, you know, the lighting
was great. You looked great.
Everybody said so.

Who?

[ Woman ]
You looked great.

See? See?
Oh, thanks.

As if she really knows.

Just have a sip of water.
Make you feel better.

Is this the one with
the electrolytes? I only like
the water with the electrolytes.

Yes.

Larry said
you were amazing.

Thank you.
I love Larry.

Yeah. Let's love him
down the dressing room.

- Black or white?
- White!

And those glasses.

Who wears frames
that big anymore?
He looks like a bug.

[ Grunts ]
I just want this week
to be over.

Why can't the world accept
the fact that I don't want
to be with Eddie anymore?

I just wanna scream
at people, "Get a life!"

[ Sighs ]
I want this week
to be over. Is it over?

- Almost. Push.
- [ Grunts ]

- Ow! Kiki.
- I'm sorry.

I smell smoke.
Is somebody smoking?

I don't know.

It's probably Larry.

I mean, how many heart attacks
has that guy had, huh?

Six. Maybe seven.
I don't know.

Can we just go?
I don't wanna be here anymore.

Those are beautiful.
Okay.

Listen, I got a call
from Lee today.

Who's Lee?

The publicist from the studio.
You remember him.

I do?

Remember when you
were doing Letterman,

you got so upset because
they bumped your show
because of the Gulf War?

Yeah.

He was there. He got you
that English toffee.

Oh, I remember
the English toffee.
That was great toffee.

Okay, we'll get you some
of that English toffee

when you meet with him
because he wants to talk
to you about the junket.

Oh, God.
Do I have to?

Meet with him?
Yes, you have to.

It's just not fair.

There's all this pressure
on me and there's none
whatsoever on Eddie, is there?

He's probably off somewhere
having the time of his life.

This letter, Edward,
is a very important part
of the healing process.

By writing to your mother,
you afford yourself
the opportunity to thank her

or forgive her or to ask her
why she did the things she did.

Now, we don't mail the letter,
but the simple act
of putting it on paper

frees you,
allows you to let go.

Now, what did you say
to your mother?

[ Sighs ]

"Dear Mom. Fuck you."

Okay. We'll try the letter
some other time.

Okay.

Are you comfortable now
about speaking about Gwen?

Do you think I should?

There is no "should."

Do you think I can?

What is "can"?

All right.

There's this place
in Chinatown.

A tiny little place.

We used to go there
and they wouldn't bother us.

We'd order wonton soup
and crumpled duck

and just sit there
for hours talking.

She took him there.

[ Shudders ]

She took him
to our crumpled duck.

[ Gasps ]

And I followed them
and I saw him
pouring the soup and smiling.

[ Engine Revving ]

Aah!

[ Engine Revving,
Tires Squealing ]

It was a total accident.

Next thing I know, she's crying
to the press that I tried
to kill her, which is crazy.

I mean, she just
loves to overreact.

Hmph.

We have a saying, Edward.

"Mecka lecka halava
beem sala beem."

What is that?
Bean salad? Wha--

"Mecka lecka salava
beem sala beem."

What does that mean?
[ Sighs ]

I don't know what it means.
It's very old.

Oh.

I feel like I'm making progress.
I feel more secure.

A lot more secure.
Do I seem more secure?

[ Lee ] You look great, kid.
Whatever the doctors are
doing to you, it's working.

You've got color in your face
and in your lower neck.
I mean, I'm in love.

Yeah, they say two weeks
here changes your entire life.

Really?

When is the two weeks up?

About six
and a half months ago.

But I feel like I'm
getting close to something.

Hey, I can see that.

You didn't happen to see
Larry King last night did you?

No, I was in the isolation tank.
They don't have a television
in there.

The reason
I bring it up is, uh,

- Gwen was on.
- Hmm. Gwen.

- Yeah, she took
kind of a beating.
- She did, did she?

You, young lady,
are nobody without Eddie.

Nobody likes you!

Never, never go
anywhere without Eddie!

You're nothing. You're nothing
You're nothing.

You're nothing!
Get her outta here!
Get her out now!

- Nothing!
- I'm so sorry, Larry.
[ Echoing ]

Well, I guess she got
what she deserved.

What are you doing here?
This isn't you. Come on.

Kiss Gandhi good-bye and let's
get ready for the junket.

I'm not going
to the junket, Lee.
Look at me. I'm not ready.

The studio needs you there.
The movie needs you.

I don't care about
the studio or the movie.

How is it?
Is it good?

I've only seen the beginning.

But I gotta tell you,
it's fantastic.

Yeah?

It's fantastic.
Hold the movie up to your ear
and you're screaming "Oscar."

I'm telling you.
No. No. I'm not going.

Gwen's gonna be there.

- You wanna see her,
don't you?
- No. It's too soon.

Eddie, it's a year and a half.
You gotta confront her.

Get it over with.
She fell in love
with another guy.

All right? It happens.
Well, it never happened to me.

But if it did,
I wouldn't spend the rest of
my life hiding like some pussy!

I'm not a pussy, all right?
And I'm in the middle
of my treatment here.

This is serious stuff.
My wellness guide's
not gonna let me just go.

You can go.

Are you sure?

You said I was the flower
that fell into the stream, but
the branch is blocking my way.

I didn't know what that meant.
Are you taking it back?

Don't listen to my words,
listen to your own heart.

I feel like the flower.
I don't wanna go.

You're a funny man.

We will miss you here.
Don't forget to be grateful.

Okay, I'm grateful.
I'm grateful for the sun.

I'm grateful for
the stars in the sky.

And I'd be grateful
if we could get going.

Okay. Okay.

Eddie, why don't you
wait in the car?

The car? Okay.

Right there.
Okay?

I am the flower.

I'm the flower.

- He kills me
with his humor.
- Does he?

Yes.
[ Chuckling ]

Listen, chief, I wanna
thank you for all your help.

And, uh, you'll get
the car within ten days.

Convertible.

Convertible, leather interior,
fully loaded. You'll enjoy it.

He's gonna get through
this thing okay, isn't he?

Life is a cookie.
[ Inhales ]

I'm gonna take that
as a "yes."

Okay. All right.

Come on, Eddie!

All right, buddy.
Ready to go?

Yeah.
Here we go.

Yeah.

Does Gwen know
I'm coming to the junket?

It was her idea.

- No, it wasn't.
- Absolutely.
She's really excited.

Not in a million years.

If that demented pig
is gonna be there, no way.

Gwen--

Eddie was just
temporarily insane.

Don't stick up for him.

Kiki, look at you.

Hi, Lee.

Oh, how are you?

Good.

You look fabulous.

Thank you.

- Look at you. What is it?
- It's my hair.

- And, uh, I have a little sun.
- She lost sixty pounds.

And-And-And
I lost some weight.

Yes, I see that, yeah.
You look terrific.

Thank you.

Sixty pounds, huh?
Yeah.

- That's a Backstreet Boy.
- Right.

- Were you here to talk to me?
- Yeah, well, of course.
I'm sorry. I mean--

Listen, Eddie is not demented.
This is a one-time incident.

- This is a forgive
and forget kind of thing.
- He tried to kill me, Lee.

Am I the only person
who remembers that?

Attempted murder doesn't
get people's attention anymore?

[ Dog Barking ]

You know, he was just so in love
with you that he flipped out.

You know that you have this
powerful effect on people.

[ Gwen ] It's true.
Are you sticking up
for him again?

[ Kiki ] Him?
Whose side am I on, Gwen?

Gwen, your dog just
swallowed your window washer.

[ Chuckling ]
Mm, puppy.

- Your puppy's a raptor.
- Time for Prozac.
Excuse me.

She's on Prozac?

If only. The dog.

Oh, the dog.
Well, hey, that's
not a bad thing.

- Hi, baby.
- Hi, honey.

[ Spanish Accent ]
Here comes your
sweaty, big man.

Oh. Mm, you're sweaty.

Who is this?

Hi, Hector. I'm Lee Phillips.
I'm the press agent
for Time Over Time.

Just in case you thought
I was some guy coming
to sweep her off her feet.

No, no. You're too old.

Oh!

Hector, honey, be good.

- I'm sorry, Lee,
he's Spanish.
- No problem.

I was Spanish once myself.

Oh, I need kisses.

Oh, honey.
[ Moaning, Kissing ]

Oh, there you go.

Oh, jes. Oh, jes.

For why is he here now?

He wants me to go
to the junket for the movie.

Uh-huh.

We could do that.
When is it?

Actually, uh, Hector,
we won't be taking up
any of your valuable time.

- What? I'm not invited
to the honket?
- It's the studio's decision.

Hey, what do I care
what the studio thinks?
I don't give a shit, okay?

I go where Gwen goes.
I'm with Gwen now.
We're a couple.

So we're gonna go
to the honket together. Okay?

Okay.

Ay, yi, yi,
you're so beautiful.

I love you so much. I want to
marry you and make something
with both of our skins.

We're not going, Hector.
Eddie's gonna be there.

We're not gonna go
to our honket because of him?
Listen to me, we're going to go.

And I'm going to personally
protect you, in case that
psychotic asshole bastard

tries to kill you again,
God forbid.

We're not going.

Don't argue with me.
We're gonna go.

Everybody wants me
to go to this stupid junket,
but nobody cares what I want!

That's not true.
Nobody cares!

Honey.

Don't you know
the stress I'm under?

Everybody hates me.
Everyone wants a piece of me.

My therapist is out of
the country, I wasn't nominated
for a Golden Globe this year!

Leave me alone.

Bastards.

Are you pleased
with yourself?

I can't even enjoy
my shower now.

Mr. Publicist,
piece of shit.

Gwen is totally nuts.

Cleared the room.
Well done.

Yeah. Would you talk to your
sister? You're the only one
she'll pretend to listen to.

[ Grunts ]
Where is she?

Grazing.

[ Growling ]

- Hi.
- [ Continues Growling ]

Nazi bastard.
I was just kidding.

[ Growling Intensifies ]

You really need
to go to this junket.

No.

Why not?

I'm afraid.

Of?

That I'll see Eddie
and he'll be this destroyed,
pathetic mess,

and I'll feel guilty,
and I'm tired of feeling
guilty, Keek.

I really am.

I know.

I'm always thinking
about other people.

I know you are.

It's awful when you're
the only person who cares
about other people's feelings.

If they see Eddie, and he's
down and depressed, they're
gonna pity him and blame me.

So what you're really
worried about is you.

Of course.
Does everyone
hate me, Kiki?

No one hates you.

Oh, yes, they do. I was
in the store the other day.
That great store on Melrose?

And there was a baby
in a stroller
looking up at me

and he was judging me.

The whole world is judging me
for what I did to Eddie.

Look, I'll admit the, uh,

the Miss Adorable image
has been somewhat called
into question by recent events,

but that's just one more
reason to go to the junket.

You smile nice with Eddie
for the weekend and win back
some audience goodwill.

You think it would help?

Yes, I do.

I guess I could give Eddie
the divorce papers.

That's a plus.

If you're sure
you're ready to do that.

Kiki, I'm sure.

- Why are you still
questioning me about this?
- Because it's Eddie.

Eddie, who'd sing "Yellow
Submarine" at the top of his
lungs just to make you laugh.

Eddie, who'd save the mango
in his fruit salad for you.
Eddie.

Exactly, Eddie.
You're just a romantic, Kiki.

You don't know anything
about married life.

Well, ya got me there.

I won't be able to get
through this on my own.

Can you help me?

I'll help you.

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Barks ]

Hey!

Come on.
These are new pants.

Good dog.
Hey, get the paper.

[ Growling ]

Come on. Come on.

Please.
Come on.

- Help.
- Don't let me interrupt.

- What happened?
- Well, I'm going to go
pack her things

because we're
going to a junket.

Really? Great!
You're a great sister.

I'm a great assistant.

To the left. Yeah.

♪ Well, they fly past
the ghettos
and the factories ♪

♪ Ridin' on the gravy train ♪

♪ All of the places
that they really oughta be ♪

♪ Ridin' on the gravy train ♪

♪ Past the coal mines
Black and scarred ♪

♪ Starter houses
in the loading yards ♪

♪ On the gravy train ♪

♪ On the gravy train ♪

♪ There's the lucky little
mothers in their luxury car ♪

♪ Ridin' on the gravy train ♪

♪ Never thank each other
or their lucky stars ♪

♪ Ridin' on the gravy train ♪

♪ That's worse
than ingratitude ♪

♪ Worse than
a piss-poor attitude ♪

♪ On the gravy train ♪

♪ On the gravy train ♪

♪ Ah, yeah ♪♪

- There are herbal medications.
- Okay.

You probably read in People
magazine that I've been on
Zoloft, but this is holistic.

- Sure got a lot of it.
- Could you just
watch the road, please?

[ Man, Radio Static ]
Bobby?

[ Driver ] Yeah?

He wants you to pull over.

Here?

- This is Kishtonga root.
- Yeah, okay.

- Why are we stopping?
- I'm just doing
what I'm told, Mr. Thomas.

- So, uh, how you doin'?
- I'm fine. I'm great.
What have you heard?

If my lady walked out on me
for some other guy,

I'd have a gun
down my throat.

I'd get drunk off my ass,

then go lay down on the tracks
and wait for a train
to finish me off.

Could we just please
not talk about that?

Hey, you know something?
People say I look like you.

It's not that I, you know,
look like you, but it's,
like, I project you.

You know, like I project
the essence of you,
like a you-ness.

- Can you put
that partition up?
- Yes, sir, Mr. Thomas.

Hey, how you doin', pal?
How's it goin'?

Great, great. I was just
gettin' a little pep talk
from my driver.

Oh. Listen.
I have to orchestrate
the arrival at the hotel.

Do you want to pull up first
or do you want Gwen to?

Hey, where did you
come from, man?

Here.

I'm riding with,
uh, with Gwen.

Gwen's back there?

Yes.

She is?

Yes.

So do you want to arrive
first or second?

Second.

I'll be right back.

- He wants to go second.
- Let him go second.

- He can go second.
- Great.

No, wait a minute.
He should go first.

Why?

I don't want to look
like his opening act.

I wanna go second.

- She wants to go second.
- Second it is.

- She wants to go second.
- Fine.

Let her come second.
I don't care.
Let her come behind me.

- That way, she'll see the knife
she stuck in my back.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Great. Second?
We're all set.

Great.

[ Gwen ]
Who cares?

She doesn't care.

Yes, I do.
I'm going first.

I don't care. I don't care.
Why is this an issue?

I'm just trying
to facilitate the arr--

- Can we just get to the hotel?
- You're going second.

- I don't care. I don't care!
- Okay. All right, Eddie.

I don't care!
I don't care!

You're going second.

Eddie?
You're going second.

I don't care.

Okay. Thank you.

Well, that was easy.

I don't know why
we have to go second.

Just drive the car!

I'm grateful for the sun.
I'm grateful for the moon.

I'm grateful for the cool--

cool night breeze.

♪ Raven hair ♪

- [ Chattering ]
- This is certainly a happy
night for Eddie and Gwen fans.

It's been over a year
since America's sweethearts
went bust in dramatic fashion.

- ♪ Echoed voices
in the night ♪
- And here they come now.

Hi, Gwen. You look
wonderful tonight.

Step back, please.

♪ She's a restless spirit
on an endless flight ♪

That's it.

♪ Whoo-hoo
Witchy woman ♪

♪ See how high she flies ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo, witchy woman ♪

[ Man ]
Hey, who's the better lover?

♪ She got the moon
in her eyes ♪♪

Okay, right this way.

Okay, Eddie, here we go.

Eddie,
you're looking great.

Thank you.
I feel pretty good.

What's it like
working with Gwen?

Uh, I can't remember.

Eddie, that was so good.
It was just great.
That had to feel good, huh?

It was good that we went
second. See? I told ya.

You walked in,
everybody loved you.

W-W-What is all this?

Serenity tea from
the wellness center.

I don't know what's in it,
but it gets me really calm,
really focused.

- Aah!
- [ Pot Crashing ]

Lee! I can't do this!

[ Sighs ]

I told you
this was a mistake.

She's very close, isn't she?
She's in the next room.
I can feel her.

No. She's in a cottage
in the back of the property.

I sensed that.
She's close. Real close.

No. She's not.

The cottages are way back
on the property. Way back.

It's just so shocking.

You're with somebody
and you think you're gonna spend
the rest of your life with them.

Then suddenly--
She gets a cottage and I get
this shitty little suite?

She has an entourage.
What about me?

You have an entourage?

I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.
I am my own entourage.

You know what?
Let me move you.

No, no. It's not important.

I'm grateful.
I'm grateful for this suite.
I'm grateful for the mini bar.

Cottages are probably
small anyway.

Well, no, actually they're--

Tiny.

Small?

[ Scoffing ]
It's ridiculous.

Good.

Should I get some
room service? We'll just--

No.

I'm gonna take some herbs,
numb out, have a shower
and go to bed by myself.

You've been fabulous today.

What did I do?

You showed up.
That's enough for me.

Okay.

Get some rest.
I don't want you puffy.

Thank you. Okay.

Hup!
[ Dog Barking ]

[ Grunts ]
Oh!

[ Groaning ]

Oh, no.

[ Grunting ]

[ Gasping ]

Jesus.
Oh.

[ Eddie Moaning ]

Hey, Steve.

I think we got a guy whackin' it
down near cottage number four.

Oh, that's-- Aw.
That's disgusting.

I don't wanna
deal with this now.

Man, every time I get
this shift, there's always
some sicko like this.

It's, like, I can't even
catch a break around here.

[ Siren Wailing ]

Look, sir, I'm sure that things
are different in Los Angeles,

but here in Nevada,
masturbating in public
is a punishable offense.

Excuse me, I have
spent time in Las Vegas--

I was not!

We saw you
on our cameras, Mr. Thomas.

- I was pulling out the pricker.
- Hey! Eddie. Come on.

I'm tryin'
to put out a fire.

I fell into a cactus!

He fell into a cactus.
That's it. Come on.

Jesus.

So unless you're in the habit
of arresting people
for bumping into succulents,

I suggest we go
our separate ways,
okay, guys?

- We still have to fill out
a report, Mr. Phillips--
- No.

Listen. I'm not supposed
to do this, but

I happen to have some really
beautiful bags that are
exclusive for the press here.

Do you have girlfriends,
wives, anything?

'Cause we have earrings.
Real diamonds. Beautiful.
Very tasty. Very delicate.

- I saw the bags. They're nice.
- Very nice. Highest quality.

[ Lee ]
Mm-hmm.

-We don't have to file a report.
-Because I didn't do anything,
you morons!

[ Laughing ]

[ Whispering ]
Diet pills. Usually,
he's like a pussycat.

- All right.
- All right? Okay.

All right.

Thank you, guys.
All right.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, fellas, one other thing.

I'm gonna need the tape
from the security camera

just in case something
gets out, all right?

Okay.

Danny's gonna go with you
and get the tape, all right?

Uh--

Oh.

Okay. Thank you, fellas.
Appreciate it a lot.

Rent-a-cops
got me on the edge.
I could go either way.

All right, Eddie,
what were you doin' there?

I just wanted to look at her
again, you know?

I saw her standin' by the pool
and she looked so fantastic

and I just miss her.

No, no, no, no, no.
Don't give me that look.

That look means trouble.

Listen. Calm down.
Let's go to your room,

put you to bed
and stay out of trouble, okay?

I wasn't getting
in trouble or even the--

No, no, no. You're just...

I guess that's trouble.

whackin' off
on a cactus.

I wasn't doing that.

Please.

[ Man ]
This just in.
It looks as if Eddie Thomas

Shh.

may have to change
his middle name to "Peeping"

after an incident tonight
at the Hyatt Resort.

Now this tape from
the hotel security cameras

clearly shows Thomas,
in the words of one
hotel security guard,

[ Gasping ]
"doing himself a big favor"

[ Moaning ]

outside
the cottage where the actor's
estranged wife is staying.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[ Eddie Moaning ]

Thomas and company are in town
attending a press junket

for the long-awaited
new Eddie and Gwen movie.

And sources tell us
this latest incident
comes as no surprise,

given Thomas' delicate
mental state since his split
with wife and costar Harrison.

Any idea what this movie
is about, Charlie?

Haven't heard yet,
but by the looks of it, Sean,

we're lookin' at a remake
of Cool Hand Luke.

It was on the news, Lee.

He was outside my cottage
doing something not good.

[ Lee ]
Gwen, everybody does it.

I know everyone does it.
That's not the point.

[ Barking ]

[ Sighs ]

What is going on, Lee?

Is he trying
to kill me again?

Well, given the weapon
he had in his hand,
I tend to doubt it.

Relax. We're at a Hyatt.
People don't kill people
at a Hyatt.

Other chains, yes.
But the Hyatt, no.

Gwen, get some rest.

Somebody has to be beautiful
tomorrow, and I think
that somebody is you.

I know.

Listen. I have to go.

[ Phone Rings ]
Good night.

Lee.

Eddie, I am so pissed off.
I have the tape right here.
They must have had another copy.

Bastards.
Yeah, well, you know,
everybody's got a price, kid.

[ Knock On Door ]

You know-- Hold on a second.
It's room service.

Hold on.

Shh.

Eddie, hi.
No, no, it's just-- Yeah.

Yeah, put it over there.
Is-- That is beluga, right?

Yeah. Eddie, we're fine.

No, it's all local.
Nothing national.

Plus, they're gonna issue
a retraction tomorrow.

Yeah, you're fine.
Really, there's no damage.

I'm telling you
it's just a little blip.

Plus, it's what you said.
It's in the past.

The beach grass grows
towards the sun

in this universe
that you're grateful for.

You know?
Get some rest.

Because somebody has to look
handsome tomorrow, and I think
that somebody is you.

Okay, Mr. Big Time?
I'll see you in the morning.

- You like Eddie, don't you?
- I love him.

But you leaked the tape.

Survival rule
number three, kid.

You're not here to love anybody.
You're here to promote a movie.

That's it. Period.

So you're here and you
get word that your mother died.

You know, like,
hit by a bus or something.

You go downstairs,
you shed a tear and you say,

"It's a shame.
She would've loved this movie."

I have to talk to Eddie.
I'm worried about him.

Okay, you go talk to him.

No, no, you gotta
go get him for me.

Me? [ Whimpering ]

Yes. I have to talk
to him tonight.

Otherwise I'll be up
all night and then I'll look
terrible in the morning.

Really, really puffy.

I don't--
I don't think, um--

No. I-I can't.

- Why not?
- Because I'm sleeping.

And because I just--

I just feel funny getting
in the middle of things
with the two of you.

Can't you just
handle this yourself?

What are you talking about?
I don't handle anything myself.

Why are you being
so difficult, huh?

I'm not.

I'm only asking for
a teensy-weensy favor.

Shh. Shh.

That's all. Please, Kiki.

Please, please,
please, please.

Kiki-Kiki-Ki.
Please, Kiki-Ki.

[ Mock Whimpering ]

God.

Please.

Okay.

Your pillow's
better than mine.

Take it.

[ Knock On Door ]

- Hi.
- Hi.

How are you?

Oh, my marriage is shit
and I make crappy movies.
Otherwise I'm great.

Eddie, I'm sorry.

Why is she doing this?

I don't know.
I don't--

Hey.
I like your movies.

Oh, they're shit. Come on.

What's goin' on?
I mean, did she say anything?

No. I'm-- I'm shocked.
What happened?

I really am shocked.
I didn't know anything.

I know I'm not perfect,
but I thought we had something.

Jesus, she wants me
to move out.

I know.

He's gonna be sitting
in my chair, watching
my flat-screen TV,

walking my dog,
sleeping in my bed with my--

It's okay.

I don't know what happened.

Well, it's not you.

You are a great guy,
and if she can't see that,
she's blind.

You are wonderful.

I don't feel wonderful.

It's gonna be okay.

I don't think so.

But thanks for saying that.

And thanks for coming.
You're really sweet.

No, you are.

No, no, no. You are.

You're a good friend.

You're a rock.

Mm.

Hmm.

[ Knock On Door ]

- Hi.
- Kiki.

Hey. Come here.

Nice to see you.

You too.

You look good.

Oh, misery agrees with me.

Oh, no.

You look good too.

Thank you.

I mean, you've been
getting healthy.

Haven't you, Keek?
You lift a little weights
or something?

Well, not lifting weights
so much as losing weight.

You always looked good.

Thanks.

Come on in.
Do you want something to drink?

Oh, no.
I'm fine, thank you.

Sit down.

It's been too long
since I've seen you.
I think the last time was--

That night.
I feel terrible about that.
That was the low point.

I'd just found out
about Hector and Gwen,

you came to help me out,
I took advantage
of the situation.

- Oh-- You-- No.
- You talk about bottoming out.

I was a little drunk,
and I think I kissed you.

- Oh--
- Did I?

I don't--
I don't remember.

Well, if I did
anything inappropriate,
will you forgive me?

- Uh, sure. Yeah.
- Thanks, Keek.

- Are you okay now?
- If you'd asked me a couple of
hours ago, I'd have said no.

But something happened tonight
that was really incredible.

I was out walking by
the cottages and it was, like,
Gwen was drawing me to her.

And I just look over this wall
and there she was.

She was standing by the pool
all dressed in white,

like an angel in the desert.

And I thought to myself,
"That's why you're here.

You're supposed
to win her back." What's she
gonna do, stay with Hector?

I mean, there's no way.
That's the woman I'm supposed to
spend the rest of my life with.

Really?

The-The woman by the pool.

- Gwen.
- That's why I'm here.

What do you mean,
that's why you're here?

Gwen.

Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm
are rockin' out.

[ Lee ] What?

Oh, Kiki and Eddie
are comin' down.

Why'd you say that?

It's code. It's fun.

I wonder what she wants.
I don't know what she wants.

But it'll be good
to find out what she wants.
I know what I want.

Okay, Siegfried and Roy
just left the building.

They're headin' for
the pool deck and--

Siegfried and Roy are here?

No, not the real Siegfried.
It's a code.

You wanted to play this game,
you little schmuck.

Okay, heads,
she never sees me again.
Tails, we get back together.

And you need
to flip a coin for that?

Correct. Here we go.

One, two, three.
[ Coin Jingles ]

Oh! Oh! Possum?
Possible possum.

[ Kiki Laughing ]
Wait, not here. Not here.

Felix, this is Oscar.
The monkey is in day care.

Repeat, the monkey
is in day care.

[ Imitates Owl Hoot ]

[ Gwen ]
Coo, coo.

- Coo, coo.
- Your mystery date awaits.

Wish me luck.

Coo, coo.

Oh. Um--

Coo, coo! Coo, coo!

[ Scoffs ]

Oh, Eddie.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I know you'll never
forgive me, but please,
please, take me back.

Oh, that a gun in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?

Actually, it's a gun.

Aah!

Coo, coo, coo.

Coo, coo, coo.

Coo, coo.

[ Door Closes ]

Hmm.

Hello, Eddie.

Hi, Gwen.

I've been so worried
about you.

- Have you, Gwen?
- Mm-hmm.

Hmm. That's how it goes
when your wife decides to
shack up with somebody else.

Sorry.
I've got a lot of anger
I'm trying to deal with.

I understand.
You should get that out.

- Just shake it out.
Throw it away.
- Great advice. Thank you.

- Look, I know I have no right
to ask you this, but--
- Ask me what?

When we were doing the movie,
were you fooling around
with anybody?

You're right. You've got
no right to ask me that.

And no, I wasn't
fooling around
with anybody else.

What about the girl
who played your daughter?

Are you out of your mind?
What the hell's wrong
with you, Gwen?

You're very hostile.

I can't imagine why.

- Oh, this was a big mistake.
- No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was. Look, tomorrow
let's just be professional
and promote this movie

because let's face it,
at this point, we both
need this one to do well.

I know you do.

And if they ask

about the breakup, we just say
that it was a difficult time,

that we're working through it
together and that we're still
really, really close, okay?

- Fine. Whatever.
- Good.

I have to go.

I'll see you tomorrow, Eddie.

You're not even--

Here.
There you go.

Thanks.

♪ Can't quite remember ♪

♪ A struggle so big ♪

♪ Or ever feelin' so small ♪

♪ It took all my strength
just to get out of bed ♪

♪ As the ache in my heart
went straight to my head ♪

♪ I just can't keep ♪

♪ My feet on the ground ♪

♪ I guess we all learn
the hard way ♪

♪ Guess we all fall down ♪♪

Well, sure,
it's a little chaotic,
but it's not overwhelming.

That's how junkets go.
It's a great opportunity.

[ Club Hitting Ball ]

It's nothing
I can't handle-- Oh!

[ Man ]
Is this a scene from their
new movie, Time Over Time ?

No. That's Gwen Harrison
and Eddie Thomas dancing
in the moonlight for real.

Hard to believe, but
America's sweethearts

What the hell is going on?

again in a passionate embrace.

Goddamn it!

My life is so stressful.
People have no idea
what it's like being me.

Did we brush my teeth?

Yes.

See? I can't even
remember that.

Good morning, you two.
Come on, smile.

Here we go.
All right? Smile.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
here they are!

Eddie and Gwen
together again.

[ Cheering, Whistling ]

There they are!
America's sweethearts!

Lee, what is this?
I'm only getting five minutes?

Yes, and mention
the jerking-off thing, and I'll
pull your plug, so to speak.

Whatever. Listen, five minutes
is plenty of time to talk about
a movie I haven't seen.

Yeah, but it's fabulous.

[ Kiki ]
Do you need anything?

Doesn't she look great?

Who?

Your sister. Look at her.
She looks incredible.

Are you trying
to make me jealous?

Would it be possible
to do that at this point?

No.

Then why would you care
if I was trying?

Okay, who's happy?
Ready to go?

Okay, Adinah.
Thank you.
Always a pleasure.

Here we go!
Byron, it's all yours.

Byron Allen, comin' to you
from Entertainment Studios
dot-com.

Strap yourself in
because I'm sitting
with America's sweethearts,

Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison.

And are you ready for this?
They're not trying
to kill each other.

[ Chuckling ]
So, guys, what's going on?

Are you two back together?
You look very comfortable.

Look, Byron, before I came down
from the room, I took about
a half a pound of Vicodin.

So I'm gonna be
really comfortable
until about late March.

Oh, you are funny.
How do you live with him, Gwen?

She doesn't.

She lives
with someone else.

Eddie.

Gwen.

It must've been exciting
working with Hal Weidmann.

Tell me,
were you apprehensive at all
when you started?

Oh, no.
No, Hal's brilliant.
He's, um,

so easy
to work with, you know?

He loves actors.

Just loves actors.

- Eddie, you had a nervous
breakdown, didn't you?
- What?

Do you think audiences
will ever be able
to watch you again

without remembering
your sensational attack
on Miss Harrison?

- Lee.
- And that's five minutes.
Thank you, Dave.

Oh, it was so great
meeting you guys.

- I'm a-- I'm a huge fan.
- Lunch?

Why does he
get a neck rub?
I want one.

- He's so tense.
- Hello? I have a neck too.

This thing
holding up my head.

And we're back.
Everybody ready?

Of course.

[ Whispering ]
Of course.

Eddie.

Hello again, Syracuse.
I'm Mort Josephson,
your movie maven.

Good morning, Ann Arbor.
I'm Laura Messenger,
the Channel Seven Cinemaniac.

The popcorn is buttered.

The lights are dimming.

It's time to join Bob.

And Ken

[ Together ]
At The Multiplex.

Eddie and I are great friends.
We talk every day.

Eddie and I are better friends
than we've ever been.

We talk two, three times a day.

We're just cosmically,
like, spiritually bound.

Eddie's really good and he's
just my pillar of strength.

You know, he's like--
It's like Sodom and Gomorrah.

- I mean, so strong, you know?
- [ Lee ]
And that's five minutes.

In spite of all
the emotion and the hurting,

we were able to lean
on each other for support.

That's when
I realized how strong

our friendship really was.

We're in constant contact.

You know, that's right,
I mean, not only are we
great, great friends,

and not only are we
in constant contact--

I mean, you should see
some of the phone bills.
I mean, whoo.

We've also done some--
I don't know--
How should I put this?

Hell, I'm just gonna say it.

We've done a couple
of three ways.

And this guy she's with now,
I can't say I'm happy about it.

After all, she's my wife.

But after having spent some
time in the sack with him,
I can see the attraction.

Although I have to say,
for a fairly big guy,

he's not packin' much
south of the border, you know?

Oh, and that's five minutes.
Thank you so much. Say hi
to everybody in Salt Lake.

Good to see you.

[ Whimpering ]

Next!

[ Gwen ] Hi, guys!

[ Eddie ]
Hi, guys. Hello.

I didn't think it was funny.

It was a joke.

I do that after
the 400th interview
of the day.

I don't think Hector's
gonna find it very funny.

Guess what?
I don't give a shit
what Hector thinks. Hi.

A picture with my baby?

Oh.

Just smile and shut up.

Okay. All right.

[ Lee ]
Listen, you have given me
a hundred and ten percent today

Who has? Me?

You have. Yes!
It's been a great day.

What do you want?

Small favor.

No.

Forty-five minutes,
an hour?

No.

Yes. I need you
to have dinner with Gwen.

Dinner with Gwen? No.

Yes.
It'll be great.

No, it won't be great,
because I'm not doing it.

You should do this.

I'm going up to my room
to the mini bar.

Please, do this.

I'm gonna spend
time with myself.

Eddie, we're in deep shit.
We don't have the film.
Hal's holding the film hostage.

We have nothing.
You understand that?
Nothing.

But what I do have
is you. You and Gwen.

When you two are together,
the press forgets
that there is no film.

I've never seen
anything like it.

It's roses blooming,
flags flying,
butterscotch pudding.

Are you on something?

It's a panic high.

You don't have to order
salad and dessert.

Just order an entree,
chew, smile and go.

No.

They have a delightful
pork tenderloin tonight.

No.

8:00.
Thank you so much.

No.

It was Gwen's idea.
Absolutely.

Really?

I can't believe you said
I'd have dinner with him.

I hear they serve
a very nice pork tenderloin.

I'm not going. Here.

I've been
with him enough today
for the rest of my life.

I have to give him
the divorce papers.

- When are you gonna do that?
- Just before we leave.

What are you gonna do?
Toss them out the window
at him as the limo pulls away?

Look, you don't understand.
It's very complicated.

I'm trying to be nice
to him so it will be easier
when I give him the papers.

But if I'm nice,
he thinks there's hope.

- Is that your foot?
- Sorry.

Pedicure. Hello?

So, when you're nice,
he thinks--

I can't even talk
about it right now.

It's so hard being someone
people just don't get over.

- Tell him I have a headache.
- I'm not gonna lie for you.

You lie for me all the time.

Not to him.

You know what this is?
This is high school all over
again. Nothing has changed.

When you wanted to break up
with your boyfriends
in high school, did you do it?

- No. You made me do it.
- I did not.

Oh, please. Let's just
refresh your memory.

- Robert Mancuta?
Kyle Hassler?
- Ew. Oh, God.

Toby Franks?
Half the lacrosse team?
Ring a bell, huh?

In the end, I was the most
hated girl in school.

That's not true.

My quote in the yearbook was,
"Hey, we have to talk."

I was despised.

Fine. Don't go.

Eddie'll sit there
like an idiot.

It'll be all your fault.

Whatever.

- How are you?
- Lee.

Where's the film?

What are you
talking about?

The film is in its canister
waiting to be shown,
waiting to go into history.

[ Chuckles ]
There is no film, is there?

What have I seen
five times that
made me laugh and cry

and have the best feeling
I ever had in
a movie theater?

You're going to have
a great time, you'll see.
See you later.

We're doomed. We're dead.
We're doomed. Thank you.

Hey, look at you.

Wow, you clean up
good, Keek.

Thanks.

- What's going on?
- Gwen isn't feeling well,

so she's not going to be
able to make it to dinner.

Mm-- Uh-uh.
She isn't sick.

Not physically, no.

I just didn't want you
to sit here wondering.

Thanks.

Thanks. Really.
You want to join me?

Uh--

Come on. Haven't
you read the papers?

I'm very unstable. Don't let
me alone with me. Have dinner
with me. We'll catch up.

A few minutes.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.
We have an understudy.

[ Lee ]
Boy, they never
make it easy, do they?

Can I have the house phone,
please?

Sure.

Thank you.

Hello, darling.
Can I have Holly Golightly's
cottage, please?

Who's that?

It's Gwen's code name.

It's from
Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Oh. What's that?

It's a movie.
It's a great movie.

Oh.

Hepburn?

Right. Katharine.

Let me tell you something.
Don't tell anybody you're in
the movie business, okay?

Thank you.

Okay.

Hello.
Hey, Gwen, it's Lee.

Listen,
I'm at the restaurant,
and guess what.

You're not.
[ Chuckles ]
Are you okay?

Oh, that's too bad.
No, no. Eddie's fine.

He's with Kiki,
and she looks
unbelievable.

It may be a little
"Hello Young Lovers" for me,

and I may have some fires
to put out later, buy hey,
that's my problem, isn't it?

[ Chuckles ]
Have a nice night.
Feel better. Okay. Bye.

Five minutes.
Take notes, kid.

You're amazing.

This is Larry Flange
for Let's Go To The Movies.
Goddamn it!

I'm sitting here with
the lovely and the talented
Miss Kiki Harrison. Kiki--

Let's talk about the movie.
You play a lesbian firefighter
on an oil rig in the North Sea.

What word comes to mind--
typecasting. Your thoughts.
And then--

Oh, my thoughts.
You really want my thoughts?

Yeah.

- Umm-- Larry.
- Larry.

Okay, Larry.
The truth is, uh,

after playing
Madame Curie

Hm.

- and discovering radium,
- Oh.

I just thought
It would be a hoot,
you know, to strap on

those big rubber boots
and kiss my favorite gal
good-bye

and go fight some fire.
[ Laughs ]

- That was a very personal role.
- Personal, close to my heart.
Yes.

- Nice. That's funny.
You're funny.
- I am. Well--

Do you remember when we were
in Carolina doing Silent Run ?

Right.

And we rented that go-cart,
then you attacked the director.

And you had
the cart race--

Excuse me.
No, no, no.

- I did not attack.
There was no attacking.
- You rammed him repeatedly.

I didn't ram him. I tapped him.
He tried to cut me off.

Then you rammed me.

You rammed everybody.
You rammed Gwen.

Ramming you was different.

No. W-Well, yeah.
[ Laughing ]

- She was not laughing,
and we were laughing.
- She wasn't happy about that.

I don't know why that memory
kept popping into my head.

- Those were good times.
- [ Chuckles ]

Tsk. Uh--
I'm sorry I didn't call you.

Hey, she's your sister.
I mean, I totally understand.

But you're my friend,
and I just let myself
get kind of--

- It's good to see you now.
- It's good to see you now.

- That's a nice necklace.
- Oh, it's, um, not really mine.

- I know.
- It's Gwen's.

- I know.
- She gave it to me.

And I gave it to her.

- I know.
- Looks good on you though.

Thank you.
[ Chuckles ]

What are you thinking
right now?

I am thinking about
something I shouldn't
be thinking about.

Me too. What were
you thinking about?

[ Whispers ]
I was thinking about how much
I wanna eat that bread stick.

You wanna eat this?

No. No, no.

I don't--
I don't eat bread.
I just--

- I just dream about bread.
- You know, I've been going
to dream analysis since

I cracked up
at the center.

At the center.

And I believe
bread represents
something forbidden,

something you want
but you can't have.

- What do you think
about that?
- Well, I think that

when I dream about bread
that would represent...

bread.

Pretty much.

What are
you thinkin' about?

Gwen...

- is here.
- [ People Murmuring ]

- Sorry I'm late.
- Thought you weren't
feelin' well.

All better. Just like that.
Thanks, Keek, you can go.

Okay. No, that's fine.

No, she's doesn't
have to go. Stick around.

Stay. Have dinner.
Good to see you.

I need some mouthwash.

Okay, right away.

So-- So what's good?
I hear they have
great pork tenderloin. Yum--

She didn't have to go.

Thank you, honey.
You look great too.

Excuse me,
is Holly Golightly here?

What is the name?

Holly Golightly.

Oh, no. What the hell
is he doing here?

I'll get rid of him.

No! Get a camera--
film, tape, anything.

Go. Go. Go, go!

Okay.

It's Gwen Harrison.
You know the actress
Gwen Harrison?

Hector! Lee Phillips. We met
at the house the other day.

Ah, where is Gwen?

I want to see my Gwen.

I don't want to get involved
in a personal situation.

You're all adults.
You know, people in love,
how can you stop them?

What-What are you talking
about now? Where is Gwen?

I want to see her now.

I can't cover
for them anymore.

They're in the restaurant
having dinner, and that's all
I'm gonna say on the matter.

They're right over there.
See, she's in the red dress
right over there.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hector. Jesus.

That's all right.

Hi, Gene. Hi.

Don't wave at him
like that. Come on.

Eddie,

- I promote my movies.
- I know. I know.

- It's part of the biz.
- I apologize.

I'm sorry.

Hector--

- Yes, I apologize
for Hector too.
- Hector's here.

What is going on? For why are
you sitting with him?

Hi, honey.

Come on. Get in there, get in--
Would you get out of the way?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

-Because I come here and I see--
-Good, good, good.
Get that side.

- I mean, what am I
supposed to think?
- What are you doing here?

I'm protecting
the woman I love.
What are you doing?

- I'll let you two catch up.
- No, why don't
you be quiet, okay?

I'm going to get to you
in a minute.

Don't-- Don't point.

Don't tell me
what to do.

- Don't you trust me, Hector?
- I trust you.
I trust you implicitly.

It's this asshole
I don't trust!
I don't trust you!

Mecka lecka salava
beem sala beem.

- What? What did you say?
- Mecka lecka-- beem sala beem.

I hope he's not
making fun of my accent.
That's all I hope.

Okay. Enough!
You guys enjoy
your little public display.

- I'm leaving.
- Okay. Okay.
Pussy boy's leaving.

Oh, what's the matter?
You don't like that, huh?

Maybe, uh, you want
to take a swing at me, huh?
Huh? Tall boy? Come on.

What're-- What're--
What are you--

Come on.

What is that?

Come after me.
Let's go.

- Please. Please.
Make my day.
- [ Kingman ] Lee!

You're a genius beyond
my wildest expectations.

Look, look, look, look.
The tracking is up.

Spielberg has moved
off of our date.

Ooh! This is good!

Hit him! Hit him!
Anybody.

Who?

I'm not gonna fight you!

'Cause you're
the pussy boy.

No. Because I'm trying
to find some peace.

You want peace?

Okay, he wants peace.

Pussy boy's leaving.
Don't you do that.

- Hector. Don't.
- Don't tell me don't.

Maybe you want
a piece of me, huh?

[ Glass Shatters ]
Okay? Okay?

You see?

Okay? Huh?
Pussy?

You know, I don't think
there should be a problem here.

Come on.

After all, you stole my wife,
and I tried to kill you.

So I think we're
pretty much even, okay?
You crumpled duck!

Oh, dear me.

[ Grunting, Blabbering ]

- Go away!
- [ Grunting ]

Punk, you hungry?
You eat this! Eat it!

You dick!
Do you hear me?

Gonna kill you.

I love your work.

Eddie,
you forgot something.

[ Diners Gasping ]
[ Birds Tweeting ]

[ Hector ]
Did you see him go down?

[ Gwen ] Shut up!

What?
Don't tell me to shut up.

Why'd you have to do that?

I did not have to do it.
I wanted to do it.

Just deal with it
in there.

Okay.

[ People Chattering ]

Did you see that?

[ Camera Shutters
Clicking ]

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.

[ Lee ]
Everybody back, please.

- Eddie, you okay?
- I can feel my nose
in the back of my throat.

- Is that bad?
- Can you hear me?

- Eddie?
- [ Cartilage Crackling ]

[ Danny ]
Get him some ice, please.

[ Door Closing ]

Swear to God,
Gwen can be just horrible.

How can you be in love
with somebody and not even
like them at the same time?

It seems strange.

I think you need
to lie down.

I thought I was lying down.

Uh, well, why don't
we try sitting down?

Okay.

There we go.

Let me have a look.

[ Clears Throat ]
It doesn't look good.

No?

Cold.

[ Sighs ]

What happened?

I just thought I needed
another humiliating photo op.

I tried to walk away,
but the guy just kept pushin',

so I hit him
in the tray with my face.

I should've
just walked away.

I don't know.
For some reason these days
I always do the stupid thing.

[ Whispers ]
This doesn't look good.

Mm.

What was that?

Another stupid thing.

Stupid and maybe
verging on crazy or--

Yeah.

It's a fine--
Mmm--

[ Laughing ]
There he is
the master!

[ Laughs ] Bartender,
I'll have whatever he's having.

[ Man ] Yes, sir.

Well, Lee, I have to say,
you have completely
outdone yourself.

In 24 hours,
you have given us
a walk in the woods,

a romantic dinner
and a fistfight.
[ Laughs ]

I can't wait to see
what happens next.

Maybe I can get him
to commit suicide.
Would you like that?

[ Scoffs ]

I don't know.
Let me think about it.

Oh, yeah.
I mean, it won't help
the initial release,

but it'll rent like crazy
when it goes to video.

We can do a box
like a coffin. Maybe wrap it
in a little black ribbon.

Oh, yeah.
No, that's good.
No, no, wait.

Imagine
if he killed himself
at the premiere.

I'm joking. I mean,
thinking out loud.
Whatever.

- Good night, Dave.
- Good night, Lee.

[ Laughs ]

Good work!

Heh!

[ Eddie ]
Hi.

Hi. Wow.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Good morning.

Mm--
How do you feel?

I feel-- I feel--

I feel good.

I feel weird,
but I feel good.

You?

I-- Well, yeah. I feel
something along those lines.

Good. Weird.
Weird. Good.

Well, listen.
Here's what I was thinkin'.

Why don't I order some
breakfast, and we'll
take it from there.

Okay. Um,
why don't you order
some breakfast.

I'll brush
my teeth first.

Uh-huh.

Can I use your toothbrush?

Yeah. Yeah.
It's in there.

Okay. Mm--
All right.

Ooh.
[ Giggles ]

Can I get some juice?

Kiki! Keek! Hello!

Where are you?
Kiki!

Want some toast?

You buttered my toast.

Yeah.

No one's ever
buttered my toast before.

I mean, I don't actually
eat toast with butter.
I don't eat toast. I just--

I'm gonna
stop talking now
and make an exception.

Do you want
some tea?

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Ringing Continues ]
It's hot.

Here. Okay.

Thank you.

[ Clears Throat ]
Yeah.

Hi.

No, no, no. I'm fine.
I look like half a raccoon.

What's goin' on?
Now's not such a good time.

Can we do it later?
No, don't come here.
I will come there.

Bye.

That was Gwen.

Mm.

- She wants to talk
before we do the interviews.
- About what?

I don't know.
She didn't say.
But I better, uh,

go over there.

Why didn't you say
you'd see her later?

Well, I did, but she said
she was gonna come over here.

And I thought
that's not a good idea,
so I better just go over there,

given the situation.

Are you gonna tell her
about last night?

I don't know.
I think I'm just
gonna let her talk, Keek.

Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean?

It sounds like she's got
something important to say.

So I figure
I'll just let her say it.

And then I was gonna go do
these dumb interviews,

and then I'm gonna come back
and you and me'll have
lunch together.

All right?
Does that sound good?

Keek? Kiki?
Kiki!

You look terrible.
Does it hurt?

Well, only when
I'm awake. Ow.

Oh--

He's not here
by the way. Hector.

Who?
That doesn't matter.

Is Kiki here though?

I doubt it.

Huh.

Kiki! Keek!

I don't know where
that girl is.

"That girl" is here.

Nice of you to join us.
Where have you been?

Got up early.
Had some things to do.
Nothing important.

Would you make me
some scrambled eggs?

- She makes great
scrambled eggs.
- I remember.

- Would you like some?
- No.

Two scrambled eggs
and make mine runny.

You can order room service.
She doesn't have to cook.

No, no, no.

It would be my pleasure.
I'm not, uh--

[ Clears Throat ] So what did
you want to talk to me about?

Yeah--

[ Gwen ]
I think that you're
doing pretty well, huh?

Are you feeling okay?
Yeah, I'm better.

I'm shocking myself.
[ Laughs ]

I forgot how charming
you were, Colonel.

And you, Miss Julep.
You're a warm breeze
on a cool afternoon.

[ Laughs ]
[ Kitchenware Banging ]

- What was that?
- [ Mouths Words ]

What was that
movie called?

I don't remember.

Kiki, what was
that movie called?

- I don't give a shit.
- No, that wasn't it.

Anyway, you look like
you're getting into
a good place now, Eddie.

Last night,
when I saw you and Hector,
I was so conflicted.

"Conflicted,"
that is the word du jour.
There's no question about that.

[ Banging ]

You know what that is.
That's tired. She's tired.

- Are you seeing anybody?
- Excuse me.

Are you seeing anybody?

Let me think about
how I'd answer that.

Um, not--

You know,
[ Whispers ]
not technically, no.

- What?
- He said, "not technically."

[ Laughs ]
Well!

That's fascinating--
"not technically."

That's sad, really.
That's a shame.

Now-- No--

Here are your eggs,
my darling sister. I hope
that's runny enough for you.

And you, you son of a bitch,
here are your eggs!
There you go!

- What in the hell is wrong
with you, Kiki?
- A lot, actually.

And I cannot believe it's taken
me this long to figure it out.

And-And-And I'm gonna
go for a long walk now
just to simmer down.

But before I do,
I'd just like to cut
through the bullshit.

You see, sister,
the reason why he's not
technically seeing anyone

is because he's
still technically
hung up on you.

And you, you moron!

The only reason
she's here,

besides trying to salvage
her precious career, is to
serve you with divorce papers.

There, I've said it.
I've done all I can do here.

I'm going for a walk
because that's--

Leaving is something
I've really perfected.

And so, once more
with feeling.

- She was so much more fun
when she was fat.
- Is that true?

- What?
- About the papers.

Yes, but now
I don't know what to do.

I mean, seeing you again
and being in front
of the press with you again.

We have something, Eddie.
Maybe I've made a horrible,
horrible mistake.

Or maybe I should
just give you the papers.
I don't know.

You're the devil.

Kiki!

Kiki!
Hold on. Hold on.
I want to talk.

Come on. Hold on.
I want to talk to you.

Let go of me!

I don't want to talk to you!
Because you're an idiot.

Why not?

Well--

You know what?
For that matter,
I'm an idiot too.

In that respect, we're
actually quite perfect
for each other!

This is a complicated situation.

Let me uncomplicate it
for you, huh?

Forget about what
happened between us, Eddie.
It's not gonna work!

All right?
I mean, last night?
Last night was-was great.

But then she calls you,
and you cannot wait
to get out the door.

What is that?
It's just not going to work,

'cause you will probably
always be thinking about her.

And I will probably
always be wondering
if you were thinking about her.

I just-- I just need
you to know one thing.

What?

That woman that you saw
by the pool the other night--

Forget about that.

No, that woman
that you just have to spend
the rest of your life with--

That was me.

Good morning!

Morning.

So here's the buffet.
What's goin' on?

Nothin'.
I'm great.

Just great.
Oh, ma'am, can I get
some more butter?

Word of advice:
When you hit Formica, stop.

You know the expression
"falling off the wagon," Lee?

- This is what it looks like.
- But you've got 20, 30 pounds
of food to break your fall.

What the hell
happened?

Bad morning.

- Preceded by 33 bad years.
- Does this have something
to do with Gwen?

Mm, of course not.
I love my sister.

I love everything about her.
"Kiki. Kikikins.

"Who's smoking?
I smell smoke.

"Is someone smoking within
a six-mile radius of where
I'm standing?

Stop them, Kiki.
Stop them."

Ma'am, the butter?

What are they, out of butter?
How can you run out of butter?

Well I have one theory.

You know what?
I need an assistant.

Because if I had an assistant,
she would be outside
right now milking a cow,

and they would never,
ever run out of butter.

"Oh, Kiki, my butter
has touched another food.
I need new butter."

"Anything you want, honey."
That's the way it goes, Lee.

Right?
You're a publicist, you know.
Anything they want, right?

She's got a green dress.
It looks like crap on her.

Brings out the circles
under her eyes. She knows it.
I know it. She gave it to me.

It actually looks nice on me,
and then she says, well, maybe
she wanted it back, you know?

She doesn't want it.
She doesn't want me to have it.
That's the truth.

So, what is it?
You're in love with Eddie?

Wouldn't that be stupid?

Kiki, I have done
every one of their movies.

I've never seen him
look at her the way
he's been lookin' at you.

And if you're in love,
you should just go for it.

The way you went
for this breakfast.

Not the way you went
for the breakfast.
I-- It's-- You know.

[ Whispers ]
Lee.

I think-- I think
I'm gonna be sick.

Can you just--
Can you just-- Oh--

Hi. Listen, I'm gonna
take all of this to go.

I'll need-- I don't know--
20, 30 bags and a forklift.
[ Chuckles ]

No laugh. No tip.
[ Scoffs ]

♪♪ [ Latin ]

[ People
Chattering ]

I really want to play
a character like the Terminator.

Because I think the Hispanic
people are crying out

to see a deadly, destructive
killing machine that they can
embrace as their own.

You know?
That they can relate to.

Hey, how are you?

Nice to see you.
[ Chuckles ] Hi.

Hey.

Hal here yet?

No.

He's a dead man.
No. I'm serious.

I mean, I know a guy.
I'll make a call and
he's dead, because, I mean--

[ Man ] Hey, Dave!

Ha! Hi! How are ya?
Nice to see you.

Hope you're having a good time.
[ Chuckles ]

I am.

What time do you have?

Ten to 1:00.

We're doomed.

Dave, may I suggest
you follow my lead

and get completely
shit-faced.

Gwenny? Hi. How are you?
You look gorgeous.

Hi, Mr. K.

Thank you. Lee, how much
longer do I have to stay
out here with these people?

They're getting drunk,
and they're starting to touch.

Hang in there.
If Hal doesn't show up
with the film,

they'll be busy finding
where to build a gallows.

What?
I don't think that's funny.

Nothing. Nothing.

[ Excited Shouts, Gasps ]

Is--
Is that pussy boy?

Oh, my God.
He's gonna jump.

He's not gonna jump.

Oh, I told him I was gonna
give him the divorce papers.

Shit, he's gonna jump!

Gwen! Gwen!
Excuse me!

Please. Please.

We gotta
do something.

I'll get him.

No, wait.
Let's take advantage of this.
Get a helicopter up there.

And get some aerial shots.
Uh, all right, yeah. Okay.

Oh, shit!

- Jump. Jump.
- Jump, pussy. Jump.

- Jump, pussy. Jump.
- I can't believe this.

- He's gonna be
a pussy pancake.
- I'm comin', Eddie!

Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!

- Oh!
- [ Screams ]

[ People Screaming ]

- Why is he doing this to me?
- Eddie, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

- What are you doing?
- I was trying to stop you
from jumping!

- By trying to kill me?
- Ah-- Eddie,
stay right there!

- Where am I gonna go?
- Right!

[ Eddie ]
Oh, no. Lee!

Oh, shit!
Hang in there, Eddie!

[ Lee ]
I'm comin'!

[ Eddie Yelling ]

- [ Grunts ]
All right, Eddie.
- You gonna hose me down?

I'm gonna throw it.
You're gonna catch it.

One, two, three.

- Ohh! [ Grunts ]
- [ Crowd Clamoring ]

Pull yourself up!
I got ya!

Come on!
[ Grunting ]

Got it?
Good.

Yeah.

- [ Screams ]
- Eddie!
- [ Crowd Screams ]

- [ All Gasp ]
- Pussy boy gonna go splat.

[ Lee ]
Got it?

Yeah.

Come on. That's it.
One foot at a time.
There you go.

Okay.

I'm gonna kill you.

Eddie, listen. Take a bow.
You'll look better. Take a bow.

- [ Applause, Cheering ]
- [ Groans, Sighs ]

Jesus Christ.
Whew.

Eddie...

the next time you try
to kill yourself, just take
a hair dryer into the tub.

- I wasn't trying
to kill myself!
- Then what were you doing?

I just came up here to think.
Is that a crime?
Get a little perspective?

Do that in your room!

I blew it.
I lost her.

Guy goes to his rabbi.
He says, "Rabbi, I think my wife
is trying to poison me."

The rabbi says,
"Let me talk to her."

Comes back a little later
and he says, "Listen, I spoke
to your wife for three hours.

Take the poison." Do you
understand what I'm saying?

You and Gwen are over.

I don't care about Gwen!

I'm talking
about Kiki.

Kiki?

Yes, Kiki. She's the only
one worth spending any time
with in this hellhole.

No offense, Lee. You're
a great guy. You have some
very nice qualities.

But for a good review,
you'd sell my body to China
for medical experiments.

Eddie, don't let her
get away.

It's too late.

No, it's not too late.
Trust me. I'm telling--

- [ Murmuring ]
- That's Hal!

That's Hal?

That maniac is here with
the film. Eddie, we're saved.

We're beyond salvation, Lee.
This is, uh--

C-C-Come on.

You wanna see the movie,
don't you?

I don't care about the movie!

Eddie, this could
put you back on top.

You think? On top?

Yes. May I have
the envelope, please?

Hal! Hal! Hi!
[ Chuckles ]

Hi!

He's got the film.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go.

He's our director.
He looks good.

Oh, yeah. He looks great.

Hey, everybody,
let's get started.

I'm Lee Phillips.
Welcome to Time Over Time.

Thank you.

I'm gonna go out
on a ledge here and say--

[ Crowd Laughing ]

I couldn't help myself.

Please welcome the man
responsible for this junket,
Mr. Dave Kingman. Dave.

Thank you very much, Lee.
Thank you.

They say that good things
come to those who wait.

Well, I waited 20 years to work
with the great Hal Weidmann,

and, uh, I think Hal's cinematic
influence has been felt--

That's good.

Thank you.

My name is Hal Weidmann.
Hello.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the most honest movie

I have ever made.

I wasn't looking for it.
It came to me
like a bus in the street

or the woman who changes

the flowers
at our desert house.

I can't talk about
this film without weeping.
Roll it, please.

Thank you, Hal.
Have a great time, everybody.

♪♪ [ Dramatic Orchestral
Sound Track Begins ]

Sarah, my name is Ben.
I must speak with you.

Who are you?

That's not important.

What's important now
is your safety.

[ Bombs Whistling, Exploding ]

Listen to me, Sarah.
You're in grave danger.

I don't know how
to say this, so I'm just
gonna come out and say it.

I'm from the future.

Oh, my God.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

- Come with me now.
Now, Sarah. Please.
- [ Whimpers ]

[ Weidmann's Voice ]
Love is a bridge
built between two people.

We want what exists
between them to be real.

My name is Hal Weidmann.
The film you're about to see

is Time Over Time,
or is it?

Details are unimportant.
Simply put, the script was
shit, I tossed it,

[ Groans ]
and instead decided

Just watch.

to let my camera
capture real life.

I filmed my actors
without their knowledge.

I let the camera run
after takes. I placed
hidden cameras around the set.

And the end result is a story
far more involving

than anything manufactured
by actors and writers.

[ Howling ]

This is real life--
the juice,

the stink,

- the glory.
- [ Gasps ]

[ Clears Throat ]

You know, a lot of times you
look at a film and you think,
"Where did the money go?"

Shut up!

- It's gonna be good.
- Uhh!

I don't mean to put any
pressure on you, but we're, um,
we're 15 days over schedule.

Oh, no.

And, um, what are we
gonna do? How do we--

I'm in the middle of shooting.
This is a sensitive time.

Do me a favor.
Go away. Please.
Never visit my set again.

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Audience Murmurs ]

Watch him take it
up the gazoo.
[ Laughs ]

You're an idiot.
I told you we never should've
hired Hal Weidmann.

[ Chattering, Indistinct ]

- [ Chuckling ]
- ♪ You do ♪

♪ Something to me ♪

♪ Something that
simply mystifies ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Tell me ♪

♪ Why should it be ♪

♪ You have the power
to hypnotize ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Let me live ♪

♪ 'Neath your spell ♪

[ Groans ]

You're so good in this.

♪ You do ♪

♪ That voodoo
that you do ♪

- ♪ So well ♪
- [ Weidmann ] Cut.

[ Bell Rings ]
[ Gwen Screaming ]

Hal! Hal! Hal, can I get,
like, three minutes?

Yeah, sure. Three minutes.

Gwen, can I talk
to you for a minute?

I'm working.

Yes.

What's goin' on
with you and that guy?

Nothing's going on.

Come on. He's got
his hands all over your ass.

My character would have
done that at that point.

Yeah, your character--

You look like
a freakin' prostitute!

Oh, please! Cut it out.

Don't make a fool
out of me, Gwen.

Cut it out.

I'm watching you.
I'm watching you every minute.
Do you hear me?

Cut it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you hear me?

Mm!

[ Gwen ]
I think Eddie knows.

[ Kiki ] Knows what?

About me and Hector.

You told me
nothing's happening.

Well, something happened.

[ Disgusted Gasp ]

[ Mocking Gasp ]
Ooh!

- Do you see that zit?
- [ Laughs ]

- What the hell is this?
- Do you think I know?
[ Laughing ]

- You bastard!
- [ Kiki ] You see it?
I'll get something.

I slept with him.

Hector?

Yeah.

[ Gasps ]
Are you in love with him?

Oh, come on.
It's not always about love.

- Sometimes you just need
to get laid.
- [ Audience Murmuring ]

I tell you, he's hot,
handsome, he can go for hours.

Just wish he had a bigger,
you know, thingy.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckling ]
I love this movie.

- [ Kiki ] What do you mean?
- It's like a roll of quarters.

Like this.

Or maybe like this.
[ Laughs ]

Okay.

[ Kiki ]
I know too much.

- I think I'm gonna scream.
- I think it's
very entertaining.

- Lee, get over here right now.
- [ Kiki ] Here you go.
[ Indistinct ]

You stop this right now.
I mean it.

- I'm gonna sue the studio.
- Could you lower your voice?

Danny, cut the film.
Shut up!

Excuse me.
Was that deserved?

Oh, I think so.
You've ruined me.

- You have ruined my career.
- Look at the screen!

Don't you realize
what that is?
That's reinvention.

That's birth.
That's life itself.
Can't you smell the life?

Pretty soon you're gonna
smell Ira Stern, my attorney!

[ Lee ]
Thank you, Hal.

Wacko!

Okay, well, obviously
the new direction
this film has taken

has caught some of us
a little bit off guard.

I'm shocked.
I'm outraged.

I know, Gwen. I'm--

- There are textures.
- Can I just say something,
please?

Excuse me.
What was said about
my penis on the screen,

that is completely false.
Completely!

I am extremely well hung.
I will submit to a physical
inspection right now.

I knew this film--
It would be misunderstood.

Kubrick was misunderstood.
Godard-- misunderstood.

What? Hey.

I'm gonna
kick your ass, okay?
Understand that!

- Who are you?
- [ Scoffs ] Who am I?

I'm the ass-kicker of you.

Can I defend
my father's work?

No, you cannot.
Who's her father?

Hal!

No, you cannot!

Well, at least
let me defend Hector.

I only slept with him once,
but I know his penis is bigger
than a roll of quarters.

- [ Gwen ] You slept with her?
- I did not. I never did.

You slept with her?

I swear to God
I never did. She is lying.

Except for the part
about my penis.
That's true.

- It's bigger than coins.
- There will be a lawsuit.

I know. I know.

There are
legal issues here.

Invasion of privacy,
damage to my career.

I agree.
Yes, yes, yes-- I know--

Congratulations. I think
it's the most honest work
I've ever done.

I wanna work
with you again.

I've got
a script we can throw out.

You're wonderful
in this.

I'll send it to you.

I have an announcement
to make.

I'd like to thank you all.
I'm so happy that you're here

and all our friends
in the press who've been so,
so supportive this last year.

I'm so happy to say

that Eddie and I
are getting back together.

[ Crowd Exclaiming ]
[ Applause ]

- So thank you all so, so much.
- Excuse me.
What is this bullshit now?

- Be quiet.
- This is bullshit.
All bullshit!

Just this morning,
Eddie came over to the cottage
and we had a breakfast,

and we had a good,
heartfelt talk,
didn't we, honey?

Yeah, well, you know,
I'll have to admit,

I've been wanting
to get back together
with Gwen ever since--

ever since we weren't
together anymore; I've been
obsessed about it, really.

How sweet.

And now that
it's happened, I just--

I just have to say
that I'm amazed
and I'm grateful and

I have to agree with Hector
that it's bullshit.

Thank you!
Thank you very much!

We talked about this.
Yes, we did!

No, we didn't.
No, we didn't.

We did.
You love me.

We did not!

Yes I do.
I do love you.

I love that beautiful, bright
sexy woman up on the screen.

See, he loves me.

Yeah, the girl
I used to make movies with,
but that's not the real you.

That's you pretending to be real
which you're really good at.

So when I'm with you in real
life, I think I'm gonna be
with the real you, but I'm not.

I'm gonna be with the real you
that's with me right now, not
the real you from the movies,

and I don't wanna be
with you.

Why not?

I just explained
it to you.

You did?

Yes! I don't want
to talk to you about that
in front of all these--

Why not, Eddie?

You're right. What could I
possibly have to say to you

that I don't have to say
in front of 300 members
of the international press?

All right.
I'll tell you why.

- Because I'm in love
with your sister.
- [ Crowd Exclaims ]

Kiki?
[ Laughs ]

Yes.

Is this
some kind of joke?

No.

[ Gwen ]
Kiki, could you get over here?

Kiki!

- I want to talk to her too.
- [ Gwen ] Why her?
- Oh, why not?

Is that so unbelievable,
so unfathomable?

Not now! Not now!

Oh, I think now
is the time for now.

You just wait for me!

Can I just say
something here, please?

Yes.

No.
Listen.

Okay, one nut
at a time.

You're my sister.
I love you, and it
is important to me

that you know that
nothing happened between me
and Eddie until last night.

Oh! I suddenly
feel so much better
about you stealing my husband.

Ex! Ex-husband!
And I didn't steal anything.

And you're one to talk.
You've been shacked up
for the past year

with, you know,
Ricky Ricardo.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]
Look. I am just--

I am tired of making excuses.
I am done picking up
dirty clothes.

I am done pretending that
your life is my whole life.

I'm just--
I'm done.

So what you're
really worried about
is you, right?

- Yes.
- Well, I guess you're fired.

[ Crowd Exclaims ]

Honey. Tsk. Ohh.

You know all I care
about is your happiness
You know that, right? Tsk.

That's--
That's sweet--

So, don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

You're unbelievable.

Shut up.

Next. Yes.
What can I do for you?

Listen.

I know I probably
shouldn't have said that
in front of everybody.

Mm-hmm.

But, listen, I've been
runnin' around the last year

trying to find some clarity,
and all of a sudden
I am so clear,

it's ridiculous.

I want to be with you.

And when did you
make this decision?

The moment
I thought I'd lost you.

Damn it.

What?

That was--
That was good.

No. No, no.
This-This is crazy.

Eddie, Eddie,
this isn't gonna work.

Listen to me.

I'm grateful for you.

In all the world,
the thing I'm most
grateful for is you.

If that's a line
from one of your movies--

No, that's mine.

What do we do now?

Traditionally,
w-we kiss.

- Yeah? Hm--
- [ Applause ]

[ Applause Continues ]

[ All Shouting ]

[ Lee ]
Give 'em some room, folks.

Thank you.

[ Clamoring,
Indistinct ]

Easy. Easy.

[ Sighs ]
I'm on pain medication

that makes me say things
I would never say otherwise.

Just to set the record
perfectly straight,

Eddie and I never had
any plans to reconcile.

And--

Oh, and Hector's
very well endowed.

[ Woman ] Oh!

Almost too
well endowed.

I've-I've
had complaints,
literally.

[ Door Opens ]

What are you doin'?

Packing.

Let me help you.

Oh, that's okay.

Oh-- That's-- No, really.
I-- There's folding--

No arguments.
Let somebody else
help you for once, okay?

Okay. I just--
Yeah. Mm-hm.

- There you are.
That was unbelievable.
- Oh. Hey. [ Chuckles ]

That was just amazing.
That was like a movie with
a stage show. I'm tellin' ya,

if I could get all of you
to tour with the film,
we'd make a fortune.

And your sister, Kiki,
she's unbelievable.

[ Scoffs ]

No, this is really remarkable.
The entire country

has voted her off the island,
but, no, she's back!

I've never seen
anything like it.
Eddie, they liked the movie.

The press actually likes
this crazy movie!

They're calling it
The Blair Bitch Project.
But the best news is you two.

Do you want to have
a drink or something?

We're just on our way out.

Where are you goin'?

We don't know.

Isn't that great?

Once in a while good things
happen. I'll see ya.

Okay.
Good-bye.

Eddie, there's a car waiting
for you. You won't have to deal
with the press or anybody.

But I'm gonna need you!
We got a lot to do!
This one's gonna work!

Ohh!
[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]
[ Metal Clinking ]

[ Growling ]

- Oh!
- [ Growling Continues ]

- Hi. Can I explain
why I didn't call?
- [ Barks ]

- [ Gasps ]
- ♪ Some hearts they just get
all the right breaks ♪

♪ Some hearts have
the stars on their side ♪

♪ Some hearts they just
have it so easy ♪

♪ Some hearts
just get lucky sometimes ♪

♪ Some hearts just get lucky
Lucky sometimes ♪

♪ I wake up feein' like
my life's worth livin' ♪

♪ Can't recall
when I last felt that way ♪

♪ Guess it must be
all this love you're givin' ♪

♪ Never knew
Never knew ♪

♪ It could be like this ♪

♪ But I guess
Some hearts they just
get all the right breaks ♪

♪ Some hearts
have the stars on their side ♪

♪ Some hearts they just
have it so easy ♪

♪ Some hearts
just get lucky sometimes ♪

♪ Some hearts just get lucky

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Whoo-oo-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Even hearts like mine ♪

♪ Get lucky
Lucky sometimes ♪

♪ Whoo-oo-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ Some hearts they just
get all the right breaks ♪

♪ Some hearts
have the stars on their side ♪

♪ Yeah, some hearts they just
have it so easy ♪

♪ Some hearts just get lucky ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪♪ [ Rock, Jamaican Rap ]

♪ Come along now
Come-a, come along now ♪

♪ Come along,
Come-a, come along now ♪

♪ Sitting on a park bench
Not a penny in our pockets
But that's all right, now ♪

♪ Strummin' on a guitar
All the girls are saying
we're rockin' ♪

♪ And I'm feelin' high, now
Workin' on a suntan, we don't
even try and block it ♪

♪ And it's hot as hell
but we don't care, 'cause
we don't have to go nowhere ♪

♪ We're just chillin'
day by day ♪

♪ Walk along with me ♪

♪ Walk along with me ♪

♪ Won't you walk with me
Walk in harmony ♪

♪ I still believe ♪

♪ I can fly ♪

♪ I get higher ♪

♪ And higher ♪

♪ Higher and higher ♪

♪ Walk along with me
Walk along with me ♪

♪ Won't you walk with me
Walk in harmony ♪

♪ Walk along with me
Walk along with me ♪

♪ Won't you walk with me
Walk in harmony ♪

♪ Walk along with me
Walk along with me ♪

♪ Won't you walk with me ♪♪

♪ Don't wanna wake up
alone anymore ♪

♪ Still believin'
you'll walk through my door ♪

♪ All I need is
to know it's for sure ♪

♪ Then I'll give ♪

♪ All the love in the world ♪

♪ I've often wondered
if love's an illusion ♪

♪ Just to get you through
the loneliest days ♪

♪ I can't criticize it
I had no hesitation ♪

♪ My imagination
just stole me away ♪

♪ Still I believe ♪

♪ I'm missin' something real ♪

♪ I need someone
who really sees me ♪

♪ Don't want to wake up
alone anymore ♪

♪ Still believin'
you'll walk through my door ♪

♪ All I need is to know
it's for sure ♪

♪ Then I'll give ♪

♪ All the love in the world ♪

♪ Love's for a lifetime
Not for a moment ♪

♪ So how could I
throw it away ♪

♪ Yeah, I need someone
who really sees me ♪

♪ I don't want to wake up
alone anymore ♪

♪ Still believin'
you'll walk through my door ♪

♪ You'll reach for me
and I'll know it's for sure ♪

♪ That I'll give ♪

♪ All the love in the world ♪♪