Original subtitles

Hello, my name's Oscar.

I'm an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

And I'm gay.

And I'm here to tell you that yes--it does get better.

- When I was younger, um-- - What-- what's he doing?

He's searching out younger gays.

No, it's just a way to tell young people,

no matter how hard it gets for them,

there's a brighter future ahead.

With you.

No matter how hard it gets for you, eh--

Kelly! Seriously, I--

Just keep chatting.

I'm just checking my makeup in your webcam.

Do you not own a mirror?

Webcams make me look the way I look in my fantasies.

I know, right? What is it?

You always look so good in those things.

I'm throwing out all my mirrors.

Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job

at a dynamic workplace.

Being gay is a celebration of life, it's a simple--

Oh, I'm sorry, I just can't sit idly by

and have the gay youth of America mislead

by some reductionist...

I'm not misleading.

Pep talk.

Sexuality is a spectrum.

It's a paradox to think of any sexual activity

as normal.

- Mm. - It gets better,

but it also gets vastly more complicated.

Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you.

- Ooh! - Ow! Damn it, Kevin!

God!

You okay, Robert?

- Fine. - Put some ice on it.

In any case, it gets better.

Maybe--

Maybe not much better...

but better.

* *

One, two, three!

- I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants

in the building.

At first I thought, "muffin basket."

Then I thought, "What's even more precious to people

than muffins?"

- Can you just smile, please? - I don't want to!

Their own children.

Hey, everybody, just a few hours left

for the free family portrait studio.

Darryl, we'd love to see little Jada come by.

Angela!

Why don't you bring by your little angel?

No, thank you.

- Jim, you've got those two cute kids.

We sure would love to see them.

- I know why you're doing this, Dwight.

Last week, I may have gone too far.

I'll explain it quickly.

Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes

dry-cleaned, custom-ordered the same suit,

made with tear-away Velcro.

And... you can fill in the rest.

- Wha--

Damn it, Jim!

- Now he's trying to get me to bring my children in to work.

I think it's fair to be cautious.

Let me get this straight.

You lost all of it.

All your winnings.

$150,000.

- You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink

for Asian homosexuals?

They did not.

- And you got half a million of these?

- Well, I gotta try it. I wouldn't.

- Aw, come on, what's the harm?

Mmm.

What flavor was that?

- The coconut's pretty subtle. Come on, man.

Can't you just give us a yes or a no?

I don't know, man.

Y'all quit with a lot of confidence.

I mean, it was, like, y'all came up in here

dancing and everybody was-- ooh, hold on a second.

Oh.

If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon.

Then I would date the hell out of me.

I wouldn't give in to me too fast,

let me buy myself some nice dinners and such.

But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself.

Shared silence.

It's the hallmark of an authentic relationship.

Your intimacy ennobles this office.

Thank you, Robert.

That is a really sweet thing to say.

I want to be part of it.

- Huh? OK.

Great.

Next.

- We're up. - I know.

Baby, let me get a few singles, all right?

- What? - Let me get a few singles.

All right, can we clear some of this kid stuff out of here?

This is a promotional shot for my restaurant.

I'm selling three things: food, sex, and laughter.

Hold on. Get that one again.

Do I...

- Hi, guys. - How's it going, man?

I'm--I'm good, thank you.

And how are you?

Great, yeah, good.

Oh, how the mediocre have fallen.

Oh, god.

Look, I'm not here to get my old job back.

I had my opportunity. I blew it.

I'm moving on.

I just wanted to come in here

and literally beg you

for something, anything.

I will sweep the floors, water the plants.

- No, you don't understand. - Clean the toilets.

I don't need anyone to--

Pull the poop out of the toilets.

- That's not even a thing. - Just, please...

- Andy-- - Please.

- Andy. - Give me something!

Why don't you clean the carpets for today?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Up you get then.

Pick yourself up.

- There it is. - Thank you.

You don't need to--

I have a delicious secret.

Good, good.

This carpet's overdue for a good mopping.

Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet?

Yeah, it is actually.

Does anyone have half a sandwich they could spare?

I'm just so hungry.

Oh, Oscar, god bless you.

Thank you.

It's just so delicious.

I assume there is another half to that sandwich.

Mm, I can't hold it in any longer.

Um, I am faking this, okay?

Because I convinced David Wallace

to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre.

And at 3:00 today, he's gonna walk in here

and reinstate me...

as manager.

Family picture!

Pam!

- No! - What?

Honey, we talked about this.

No, we talked about not bringing them in

to Dwight's photo studio-slash-trap.

Yes, and then we decided that was crazy.

No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it.

No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember?

Nope.

We decided that there's no way

Dwight would harm a child.

But are you 100% sure? I don't think any of us are.

- No, no. - Nope.

But it's free. And we'll keep our eye on them.

- That's-- - Yes.

That's--

And we will make sure that Dwight doesn't do anything

C-R-A-Z-Y.

Wait, C-R-A-Z...

- Great, right up there. - Yeah?

Yeah.

You just sit right here one time.

- Here you go. - Okay.

All right, why don't you just...

- Oh, great. Thank you. - Give him to me and...

perfect.

- Okay, ready? - This is great.

- Excuse me, hold on. - There you go.

- All right. - Okay.

- Let's do it. - I'll just stand here then.

Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great.

Sir, could you look into the camera?

- Let's do it, shoot it. - Sir.

- Great. - Up here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jim, right here, right here.

- Okay, good. - Oh, so that's it?

- That's it. - See? That wasn't so hard.

Cute kids, thanks for coming.

- Who's next? - That was easy.

No, no. He's up to something.

- OK. - Oh, my gosh.

Do you think he just stole our kids' souls?

OK, Pam.

Hello, Erin.

- Hello, everybody. - Uh, what? Why?

Uh, hi, honey. What--how are you doing?

Hi, you know, my office got a call

that they were shooting family portraits right here.

And if there's one thing that every politician

instinctively understands, it's a good photo op.

Yeah.

Heh.

Okay, you're going to go through the hallway.

Here's a map.

And if you get lost, just follow the blue line.

Thanks.

Well, well, well.

Senator Lipton, welcome.

- Angela. - Dwight.

Nice to see you.

And who is this gorgeous, hypermasculine,

monster baby you've been raising?

- He is a beaut, isn't he? - Oh, he is.

May I hold him?

- Sure. - No.

I am going to hold him because I haven't seen him all day.

How's Mama's baby?

Hi. Hi.

He's enormous.

I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing

to, um, get a sample of my baby's DNA

to prove he's the father.

Which... is impossible...

because the senator is the only man

I've ever been with.

You mean this family portrait studio is a ruse

for me to just collect DNA from my own child?

Hardly.

Oh, see the ducky?

Okay, hold on a second, folks.

A few of the baby's hairs are out of place.

- Oh, thank you. - No, no, no.

I like the baby's hair the way it is.

Really?

Go.

Fine.

Yes, of course this is really

about family portraits.

So I'm getting that kid's DNA so I know exactly who belongs

in my family portrait.

Sorry, folks. This is gonna be a while, OK?

- Just hang tight. - Ugh.

OK, Ravi, you know, let's just go

to that photobooth at the arcade.

Do we have to get our photo taken today, hon?

We got it taken yesterday.

Of course we do.

What's the point of having a good-looking boyfriend?

My own parents never once photographed me as a child.

Live to 13 fit to be seen.

That was their motto.

Until that point it's just a waste of film.

This is getting more and more delicious by the minute.

It's go time.

Hey, Nellie, I made you--

I made you some soup.

Well, I don't want any soup.

- But it's really good--oh! - Oh, come on, Andy!

And then he looked at me right in the eye,

and he says,

"You need to get your life together."

And he slammed the door

of his box.

Because he was homeless.

Andy, that story's hard to believe.

I know.

But sad on one level or another.

- Come, little Oscar. - No.

Hasn't it only been a couple of weeks?

I know.

Yeah, that's what makes my.

What about your severance pay?

I drank it all up, Stanley.

Booze, all booze.

Right up my nose.

Man, you got a great résumé.

You'll land on your feet.

Not gonna happen.

Lost all hoping going down the slippery slope.

Andy, things always work out for good people.

I'm not a good person anymore, Phyllis.

Yes, you are.

No.

I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.

Enticing.

I know this is going to be a great payoff.

A delicious moment.

But after you're manager, some of these images

are going to be hard to shake.

- Well, but it-- - Just calibrate.

Okay? Calibrate.

Hmm.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, you know what? I don't want to throw

a wrench into the works, but I want everything

to be perfect, and the baby's fingernails

are just bothering me a little bit.

Mm-mm, leave us alone.

I guess we're okay with the fingernails.

Okay, great. Suit yourself.

Although, are those excess skin cells

on the baby's cheek distracting to you as well?

- Here. - Dwight!

- I just-- - We're fine.

Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie?

Oh, no.

I'm just gonna take him out and change him

just for a second here.

- He defecated. - Ooh.

- Ohh. - You're stinky.

It's from Robert.

"Saturday 10:00?" Question mark.

Yeah, I could hear you do the question mark.

10:00's a little late for dinner.

We were just wondering what we could bring on Saturday.

Oh, no, no, no, nothing.

I have everything we need.

Uh, do you happen to own "Scattergories"?

- Yeah. - Yes? Oh, great.

Yeah, we love "Scattergories."

- That's great. - Yeah.

We'll need the icosahedron die from it.

20 sides. Just enough.

Uh-huh, great.

Well, we're looking forward to it.

- Me three. - Yep.

- Hey. - Senator Lipton.

Hey, how are you?

You didn't call.

Um, well, the issue that I-- that concerned me--

You know what this is about.

Call.

A lot has changed since y'all left, okay?

You're gonna have to jump through some hoops.

And the new foreman is here.

Now, she's one of the best we've ever known, okay?

So I need you to show her your utmost respect.

Make sure that she feels welcome and at home, okay?

Can you do that?

That's some pretty blatant complimenting

you're doing there, man.

I don't even talk to her like that.

- Uh, Brandon? - I would.

- You would? - Yeah.

Sounds like you're trying to hit on my girlfriend.

- Hey, calm down, he's not. - Yes, I am.

Just so everyone's on the same page.

So you really think

she's gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant

for a dude who ate his own restaurant?

Brandon.

- Good slam. - Thank you, Biggie.

- Good luck to you. - Oh, and have a burger for me.

Okay, shall we take a few more?

I think we have all the shots we need.

- Thank you, Dwight. - Okay.

Here we go.

Yes, here we go.

No! Dwight!

Give me the diaper! Dwight!

Is this what you were looking for?

Huh? Huh?

Ha-ha, look at that.

I can see my face in 'em, Mr. Hudson.

I'm not paying you to talk.

Hey, Andy.

You think we could talk to you in the conference room

for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

- OK. - Sure thing, boss.

Great.

God bless.

Yeah.

Andy, we wanted to talk to you.

A lot of us are very concerned about you.

You're dirty, you stink of booze,

you're limping inexplicably.

I just want you guys not to worry.

'Cause old Andy's gonna be just fine.

No, no, no, see? This is what we're talking about.

I mean, what was thataccent?

And last time I checked, you were drunk,

and now you're not drunk.

It's like a blend of Old West and drunkard

and English chimney sweep.

Also, sometimes you kind of all into this Black thing,

and then you back off when you hear it.

Come on, man, what the hell you talkin' about?

What are-- what-- what is it that--

what are you talking about exactly.

Andy, I think we're all a little afraid

that you might be having a breakdown.

Are you okay?

Feel free to break character if you can.

No, unfortunately it's true.

He's been a nightmare.

And the worst part is, he's been taking it out on me.

- You hit her? - What?

No! No!

That is not the deal.

Calibrate.

He's not hitting me.

But he's been verbally abusing me--

That's not true either!

That's also total-- everyone, please relax.

I think you're gonna like this surprise guest.

Happy birthday to Gabe.

Oh, get out, skeleton man!

I can refer you to someone to talk to.

Huh?

- Hold on. - Give you a name or--

I'm just gonna--quick-- hello?

Hey, what's the scoop? Are you close?

What?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to come now.

Traffic clears.

No, next Friday...

that's not gonna work. Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Damn!

Well, this is not gonna be quite as delicious as I wanted,

but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys.

Not only am I not a lowly janitor.

I am the regional manager once again.

Guys, I got my old job back.

- Oh, boy. - Oh, Andy.

- What? - I'm not crazy.

I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back.

David Wallace hasn't worked here in years.

Okay, yes, I see the confusion.

I saw David at the fundraiser.

He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum

"Suck It," to the U.S. military.

- Andy, come on. - Even I know that's weird.

I--I--okay, I get how that sounds crazy.

Hey, Andy, nobody's calling you crazy, Andy.

We're your friends, Andy.

Stop saying my name.

- No, he's not making this up. - Thank you, Erin.

Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time.

But have you ever actually seen him yourself?

Oh, my god. Wait.

Erin, come--come on.

You know I've been talking to David Wallace.

Do you see David Wallace in the room right now?

Oh, this is so sad.

This man's losing his mind.

Where are you going, you G.D. son of a B?

H!

Damn it.

Ahh!

You think I wouldn't grab a second diaper?

You always bring a decoy everything, idiot.

- Me three. - Yeah.

This is crazy.

We're being crazy.

Totally, yeah, so we should go.

Yes.

You know we can't go.

Mm-mm.

No, we should stay home Saturday night.

I could make my salmon.

This is gonna haunt us.

Yes.

Yep.

Operation Phoenix is a go.

Just get the car ready.

No, you look at me like you're adoring me

and I'm gonna look at the camera

like I don't even know you're there.

I do adore you.

Andrew, it's time for you to go home.

You're better than this.

Yeah, I know.

Everyone's better than this, because this is the worst thing

I have ever seen.

Why'd they add coconut? I miss original.

Hey.

- Oh, David. - Hey!

- Hey! - Hey, guys.

Long time.

David, what are you doing here?

Is it true you're buying the company?

Okay.

I guess the word is out.

Uh, please keep this a secret.

But, yes, I've been talking with Andy--

What?

Thought I heard my name. What?

I'm the new manager?

I'll get to that in a second, Andy.

But it's--it is-- it is me, right?

- Yes, as we've discussed. - What?

- But it's very possible-- - Oh, my god.

- Probable. - Wow.

From janitor to manager?

Yup.

That's quite a Cinderella story.

From M-O-P to M-V-P.

There's an official announcement, a few details to--

From total loss to total boss.

I mean--

Can we expect any payroll interruptions?

Now that is a great question, stanley.

Right now I think all your operations

or most of your operations are pretty much

down in Florida, so to shift back up--

I was so looking forward to that and it did not...

go as I thought it would.

So we're not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore?

Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore.

Joe Bennett's planning on liquidating

the rest of the company.

Oof.

Wouldn't wanna be a Sabre employee right about now.

I'm actually the CEO.

Ahh, I didn't realize you were standing there.

Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best.

I never understood that corporate mess.

Well, okay. Well, great to meet you.

Likewise, I'm Bob. Bob Kazamakis.

Pleasure.

I'd love to give you a little rundown

on what I've learned about this place.

That's very gracious of you, Bob.

- I would love that. - Please.

Oh, I'm excited.

Every time I've ever been fired

I've gotten a newer and better job in the same day.

The day I became CEO at Sabre

I'd just been fired from the hardware store.

Guess I'd better take off these dirty rags,

figure out how to be a manager of this place.

Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch

will come in handy.

Gosh, I hope so.

- No! God, Mose! God! - Hi, Angela.

Get out of the car! Get out!

Where is he? Where is he?

- I'm not supposed to say. - Yes! Tell me!

Tell me where he is!

Mose, damn it!

Where did he go?

Mose! Get back here!

Let's see that smile.

- Jump in here. - Cool.

Looks like I might get my delicious moment

after all.

I've never had a guest couch before.

Is it comfortable?

What am I saying?

You've probably never even sat in it until today.

I've got to say, this chair feels better than ever.

I don't know what it is.

I know it's the exact same chair,

but before when I sat in it I hadn't really earned it.

But no one could say that now, Nellie.

I went to hell and back to get back in this chair.

Maybe that's why it feels so sweet.

It's a different chair. I had it replaced.

Oh, I knew it was something.

May I say one thing?

It would be rude of me not to let you...

say whatever is on your mind.

The quality of mercy is not strained.

- No. - It droppeth.

As the gentle rain from heaven,

upon the place beneath.

Do not bring Shakespeare into this.

How dare you play the Bard card?

It blesseth he who gives and he who takes.

'tis mightiest in the mightiest.

I just want one mother delicious moment.

Is that too much to ask?

IfI were to hire you back--

if--

what do you think you would do well?

Special projects manager, that's my background.

I just go around doing whatever I want.

All right, you sly bastard.

When can you start?

Okay, everyone.

Had a conversation with Bob,

and since I am going to be CEO now,

there will be no need for him.

Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

But he is going to make so much money

from the liquidation, he's gonna be freed up

to do something much more important.

What?

David has generously offered to donate $1 million

in matching funds to a cause that's very dear to me.

So for the next three years, I'll be traveling overseas,

concentrating on all of my efforts on educating--mentoring,

some African, some Asian,

but mainly Eastern European women.

I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob

explained it to me.

Oprah Winfrey's Leadership Academy

and other schools like it, while wonderful,

end with high school.

I wanna see these girls right through college,

especially the gymnasts.

They've lost so many years of crucial education

to perfecting their bodies.

Muscle groups the rest of us can't even fathom.

Gymnasts?

You're going to seek out uneducated gymnasts?

Yeah, so I'm hoping to identify some truly

exceptional women who show great promise.

Well, Andy, it's been fun.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

It's been a great year.

CeCe looks really cute.

Yep.

That suit is adorable on Phillip.

OK, always, yep.

I look good.

I thought he was gonna kill one of us or all of us.

I thought it was gonna be an awful day.

I know, baby.

God, what a couple.

Jim, Pam, given the circumstances,

I'm afraid I must cancel our Saturday night.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah, of course.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

Just out of curiosity,

what would we have been doing exactly?

Three-way.

- I hate breaking plans. - Mm.

But without the underlying power dynamic

I'm just a guy two parents.

No worries.

I get it.

- Sorry to disappoint. - It's okay.

Sorry you never got your delicious moment.

You really got screwed.

Well...

Hello.

Where is it?

They're testing it now.

How long does it take to get the results?

72 hours.

You're gonna wait here?

Yes.

Dwight, I can't do this. Dwight!

- We get that? - Just one--just give it

- OK. - OK.

- How was that? - For safety, just...

- OK. - OK, wait.

I'm just worried about the framing,

so if we could do maybe just another round of...

oh, totem pole.

We're the Native American symbols

for success and confidence.

Do you have--oh, maybe--OK.

Hold the pinwheel like it's a flower

and you're smelling it.

- OK. - Hold on. No, no, no, no, no.

- OK. - Get the--

Actually, pretend that I'm being attacked by that.

You're being attacked by this.

- I'm going hiking. - But you're kicking it

- with the giant shoe. - Oh, oh, OK, OK.

Is that good? No, no, no, no, no, no.

- No, actually, wait a second. - No, no, I got it. I got it.

- I got it. I got it. - Hold on. What if--

This is gonna be good.

Ready?

Shoot. It's hard to hold.

Isn't it great to all be back together again?

I thought I was gonna be the only one with no money.

Do you have CeCe or Phillip?

- I have CeCe. - Oh, Phillip, OK, smaller.

All right, here we go.

We should use this for our Christmas card.

Thank you so much. both: Thank you.

all: Yeah!

Oh, OK, I have an idea.

I vote we hoist Kevin.

Yeah.

Yes. Strange. I don't know if we need to...

- Yes, in the air. - OK. All right.

all: Ohh!

- Ahh! - Ahh!