Original subtitles

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...no!

Okay, fine.

- Ryan? - Yeah?

Is something the matter?

Oh...

Yeah, I guess it's just Smokey.

I'm still processing that.

Did you not hear?

Smokey's dead.

Smokey...the bear?

Smokey Robinson, Pam.

He died, like, an hour ago. I guess I'm the first to know.

Wow, that's terrible. I really liked him.

Oh, you liked him? That's nice.

Did you "like" when he changed the course of American music,

like, two or three times?

Did you "like" that "Tracks of My Tears"

is maybe the last true love song ever written?

I'm glad you like him, Jim.

I am completely devastated right now.

Well, I second that emotion.

- Huh? - I know a few of his songs,

but what were his big ones?

Oh, God, Nellie, what wasn't his?

I mean, um, "Tracks of My Tears"...

- Yeah. - Um, God, so many, Nellie.

No, no, no.

"Tracks of My Tears" and what else?

What are some more?

What's one more?

Okay, I'm not-- I'm not playing this game, Pam.

Not today.

I don't think you love Smokey Robinson,

I think you're just doing all of this

to prove how deep you are about music.

Okay, I'm sorry that I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz

or The Beatles.

You don't like The Beatles?

That's--that's not the point.

"Eleanor Rigby"? "Paperback Writer"?

Okay, you know, you always think you have time

to see these legends before they go.

What was I so busy doing?

It says here the "Smokey Robinson dead"

thing is a hoax.

It's on CNN as of two minutes ago.

Okay, well, that's a relief.

Wow, look at that.

Says he's actually playing State College.

It's only three hours away.

Oh, my God, Ryan, that's perfect!

You have to go.

Tickets are 250 bucks.

$250 is nothing

to the world's biggest Smokey Robinson fan.

Yeah.

Who's opening?

- Paul Anka. - Paul Anka?

How can they make the smoke man play with someone like that?

I don't think I can see this.

Okay, you could just show up late, though.

How much is parking? Like 30 bucks?

That's not what Smokey would've wanted--does want.

"Tears of a Clown."

Don't call me a clown, Pam.

You're better than that.

* *

- * And there will be a reckoning *

* Of your soul *

* Upon the horizon *

* Upon the horizon... *

- Pam? Mm-hmm?

I don't read fiction anymore.

Can you believe that?

And it's not that they're not putting out great fiction.

They are.

I just have no appetite for it.

Looking good, R.C.

Ugh, I hate ties.

I feel like I'm being strangled,

like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club

over on I-84.

The Red Room, say? Or Dominic's?

- Robert, the senator was gonna wear dark brown tonight.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

My husband is sponsoring a fundraiser tonight

for local dog shelters.

Robert California bought two tables for everyone here.

These people were lucky to get seats,

because it is gonna be a who's who

of the northern 22nd district.

- I don't want to alarm people, but there is a distinct chance

that we're all about to be killed.

- Well, as long as you don't want to alarm people.

- What's going on? There is a disgruntled

ex-employee sitting in his car in the parking lot.

- Oh, that's Andy. He's just hanging out.

- Yeah, that's how workplace tragedies always begin.

A middle-aged white male "hanging out."

Call the cops.

- Dwight, I don't think he's gonna hurt anybody.

How do you know?

I mean, why do you think he's there?

- I don't even know what kind of weapon he has.

Could be a knife, could be a gun,

could be a series of guns all lined up to shoot parallel.

I'm going up to the roof,

and I'm gonna... bring my gym bag, just in case.

- I knew this would happen.

Everybody told me if I moved to America,

I'd be murdered.

- Hey. Hey.

Just wanted to say hi

and hear you say everything's normal.

Maybe videotape you saying that

so that everyone upstairs can see.

- We think you might kill Robert.

What?

Because he fired you,

which means apparently you're living in your car now.

Guys, everything is fine.

I'm just here to pick up Erin. We're going to the fundraiser.

- Oh, great. Oh, great, that sounds good.

Wait, what?

You're going to the fundraiser tonight?

That's gonna be weird.

Why would that be weird?

- It's gonna be super-weird. He just fired you last week.

- Andy's just coming as my date.

- Hey, I hear you. I hope you're right.

It just seems like it's gonna be really...

- really weird. Okay.

- Come in.

- You really redid Andy's office, huh?

Yes, cut out the clutter.

Very simple, very minimal.

- Need you to sign these. We got a shipment going out.

- How are things in the warehouse?

- You could go downstairs and ask 'em.

- The warehouse isn't downstairs.

Is it?

Is it.

Who knew, right?

Ah.

Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I

go from casual work friends to actual good friends.

The only thing standing in our way is

the contempt he seems to feel for me.

How did this happen?

How did a snooty, privileged English woman

end up in this office,

while my snooty, privileged American friend

ended up in the parking lot?

Robert, the senator and I wanted to stop by.

- Hey, Robert. - Robert, how are you?

- Say hello. - Excuse me.

Who is watching the baby?

You didn't use that bimbo again, did you?

Erin is coming here tonight.

Who is it? Someone you trust?

Is it a junkie?

Did you check their veins? Between their toes?

You are quite the interrogator.

We could use you in the state assembly.

Why would I do that?

You're a public servant.

I'm a member of the public.

Therefore, I am your master.

Hello.

Did anyone order a blast from the past

with a side order of sexy?

Hey.

- Hey. - Hi, Andy.

Oh, man, this is weird.

- Andrew. - Oh, uh,

want to shake my hand, huh?

'Cause I want to shake your body!

I had you. I had you!

This is great.

You guys, I'm psyched to see you.

I'm really psyched. This is gonna rock.

You know, but not in, like, "rock."

Like chill rock.

Like Christopher Cross.

Wh--wha--where do I look?

It's been so long since I did one of these things.

Okay, all right, how-- uh, what's the question?

How am I doing?

Um, great.

So how's the talent?

Gray suit over there is sending a signal.

- Mm-hmm. - Downstairs is receiving.

Is that Gabe?

Ladies.

How come you look so dec' all the sudden?

Yeah, normally you look so stricken.

Well, I'm embarrassed.

I, uh, I had to give up my hair gel

'cause it was giving me this angry rash on my scalp,

and I just gave up on this low-protein diet

that I was doing for eight years,

so...ladies seem to like it.

Plus, I'm getting, like, half as many bladder infections.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Wow.

You ladies look very pretty as well.

Thanks.

Why is it that things are

their most beautiful in the autumn of their lives?

You had to say that.

Sorry. Sorry.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Creed, I just bid $20 on six jiujitsu lessons.

No one's raping this guy.

Oh, I don't want to get raped.

22.

No, it was my idea to not be raped.

- Well, well... - What, you think

jiujitsu classes cost $22?

If you're gonna play "guess the price,"

you might as well try to be halfway accurate.

$180.

Oh. Dwight, I don't think you understand--

You guess the price, you win the prize.

Have you never been to a Quaker fair before?

God.

So Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions.

I guess he's the stupid guy in the office, huh?

'Cause up till now, we didn't have one.

What haven't I been doing?

Gosh, just today, I was working on this rock opera

that I'm writing, although it feels more

like I'm receiving it than writing it.

Wow. Yeah, that's exciting.

But until you firm up the idea,

you might want to keep it between us.

The hero lives in this dystopian future,

and he flies around in a spaceship

that's shaped like a--a treble clef,

and he has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil.

Sounds like you're doing all right.

Uh, a little better than all right, actually.

Really good.

If anything, I feel sorry for you guys.

Oh.

And don't take this the wrong way,

but I mean, back and forth to work every day,

like worker bee drones in your metal coffins.

I know exactly what you mean.

Have you thought about getting into photography?

Are you kidding me?

'Cause I'm way into it.

What are you taking pictures of?

- Children? - Yes.

- Homeless people? - Yes!

'Cause in a way, they're more real...

both: Than the rest of us!

Oh, this guy's having a breakdown.

You know, Oscar, I really had no idea

that you were so passionate about animals.

- My dog Gerald is my life. - Really?

Well, if you want to get involved, call me.

This is my cell.

I'm more likely to pick up at night,

say, um, after 9:00.

Excuse me.

This confirms three things:

I'm right about the senator,

I still got it,

and poor Angela.

Darryl, would you like my croutons?

You can have as many as you like.

- I'm good. - Okay.

Well, I really didn't want to have to do this,

because I love cucumber,

but would you like my cuke?

- I'm good. - Okay.

Oh, look what I'm doing.

I'm eating my salad with my dinner fork.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm like an animal in a zoo.

Stupid Nellie.

Stupid blue-collar, regular old Nellie.

It's just the--

salad fork is the short one.

You mean it's not this one?

Well, it doesn't really matter.

I mean, either way.

I mean, it's just a-- it's just a fancy rake

for shoveling the food down, really, isn't it, so...

It's better.

It's much better.

I wonder where they got the flowers.

Oh, that piece is so predictable.

Daffodils in spring.

I wonder what's next-- mistletoe at Christmas?

Yeah.

Oh, it says, "You're welcome to take this home."

Oh.

Sweetie, you don't want that.

Even in your house, it's a little much.

Have you ever been to our house?

Well, no, not exactly,

but I know the flats.

I am gonna say what everyone is afraid to say.

Phyllis is a bully.

A big, beautiful bully.

And she is not getting that centerpiece.

Step in right away, and start--

Bobby? Bob-o?

You're a rock opera guy, right? You like rock operas.

- Well-- - You got to check out

this thing I'm working on-- it's really cool.

There's this character, Thomas Oregon,

and he wants to destroy all the guitars in the world,

because he realizes that music is the one thing

he can't control.

Huh, so Thomas Oregon is an evil figure?

Evil.

Although, he's humanized at the end

because he weeps uncontrollably and pees in his pants.

And the hero, who is that based on?

Me, I guess.

* We're flying so high we're cracking the sky *

* Gonna fly out of this storm, my girlfriend and I *

Hey, jabroni, show come class.

She's right, Andy, you're being a jabroni.

You're being a Thomas Oregon.

Uh, Andrew...

I think this may have been a bad idea.

Why don't you let me pay for you and Erin to go out

to a great, romantic dinner tonight?

Don't need you to pay for me. I'm doing just fine, thank you.

Why don't you quit harshing our mellow?

Andy, you should leave.

Now.

Excuse me,

I would like to purchase two seats

at another table, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, the tables are sold as complete units.

Then I'll take a table.

Okay.

And a high five.

Let's do that again.

Well, I just give a dollar to every charity.

That way, you get all the mail, all the calendars--

you can't believe how much you get just for a buck.

And it's also nice to know you're making a difference.

Jim and I give to the Red Cross.

Are you sure you ought to be giving?

I mean... With your financial situation.

Excuse me?

You ladies are as tangy as the salad dressing over there.

I love it.

Oh, yes, indeed.

When.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Forgot a few salads.

When.

When.

I stumbled into a very dramatic situation.

Here, let me move this so you can see him.

- Pam. Pam! - Yeah.

Angela's husband just hit on me.

- Oh, my God. - I know!

Wait, what? Come on.

We were talking about animals.

He gives me his cell phone number.

He was just dying for me to have it.

Okay, Oscar, I'm not saying you're not dreamy,

because you are, but isn't it possible

that he was just schmoozing a voter?

Well, if you would have seen the look he gave me--

he wanted to rock more than just my vote.

Okay. What was this look?

Whoa.

- What happened? Did he do it? - Are you--

- I-- - Twice.

For real?

Okay, guys, not every glance means something, all right?

- Life isn't "Downton Abbey." - Life is "Downton Abbey."

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna talk to him,

and I guarantee you, he gives out

his cell phone to everybody.

Uh, whoa. Excuse me. Excuse me.

What, you think this is just, like,

the bar or something?

This whole table is paid for.

Thank you.

Your own table.

That was a very generous donation, Andrew.

And apologies if there was, perhaps,

some tension back there.

No. It's so good to see you, Robert.

But we have a lot of entrées to finish,

so I guess we should start.

Do you want to--

There was no tension.

You know, life's funny.

You just gotta laugh at this stuff.

There is a humor to it, without question.

I mean, it's a little messed up,

what you did.

How is that?

Firing me

and making some chick you like the manager.

Look, I'm not mad.

I mean, we're all past it.

Everyone thinks it's funny.

But it's weird.

Right? At least admit it's weird.

I do not admit that.

You don't admit that. Really?

Wow.

Get a load of this guy.

Sticking to that old story.

Come on.

I'm telling the truth to the king over here.

I'm like a Shakespearean frickin' jester.

How 'bout some props?

Robert, do you think I could finish all of these dinners?

I personally don't think I could,

'cause I'm already full, but...

Robert, we're ready for you.

Excuse me.

Excused.

How much do you guys charge

for one full-year gym membership?

Thank you.

It's $475.

Like candy from a baby.

That's the third time you've asked me about my strategy.

It's called guess the price.

Strategy's in the name.

Simplest game since touch the rock.

Three-time champion.

Almost four, but...

I touched the wood.

Hey.

- David Wallace? - Andy Bernard?

- Hey, how are you? - How you doin'?

I'm great. How you doin'?

Are you still with Dunder Mifflin?

No, got canned last week.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

No, best thing that ever happened to me.

That's the attitude to have.

You know what? When I got canned,

I was lost, right?

I poured myself into this ridiculous

vacuum for toys called "Suck It."

- Yikes. - Yeah, exactly, right?

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, the U.S. Military

bought the patent from me for $20 million.

Point is, forget those guys.

Okay? Move on.

Move on?

I'm partying with 'em tonight.

- Really? - Yeah.

Sounds a little awkward to me.

Huh.

I don't even know if I, uh...

would've come if I knew Dunder Mifflin was here.

Anyway, hey, please, be sure to tell everyone

that I sold Suck It for a ton of money.

Good to see you, Andy.

Call me a layman, but I wish there was some real food here.

You know, like, um, hamburgers,

or...um, Oreos,

or a pizza pie, or, um...

what's another food that we like?

Tacos.

What I wouldn't give for a big...

- mess of tacos right now. - Tacos.

I can go get us some tacos.

Brilliant.

If you loan me some money.

Yes, I can do that.

For, um, for two tacos, we probably need about,

what, twen--$20, or...25? 20--

- 30. - $30, yes.

- 30. - Yeah, um...

I've never eaten a taco.

I'm not entirely sure what they are.

As long as they're not slimy,

and please, God, don't let them have eyes.

Thank you very much.

- So? - Boom.

This is interesting.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - What is interesting?

I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.

- Mm... - Or you proved

that he thinks your gay.

He doesn't think Jim is gay.

A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.

Well, a gay man wouldn't leave the store

wearing those shoes.

Oh.

Hey, you bought me these shoes.

Wait a second. Where's the centerpiece?

I knew it was bothering you, so I threw it in the garbage.

Really, Phyllis?

You didn't just put it in your car?

- Nope. - Which garbage?

It's not there anymore. A man emptied the garbage

into a bigger garbage, and then I heard someone say

they were locking the garbage.

You are out of control, Phyllis.

Come on, sweetie.

We both knew how this was gonna end.

Before we bring out our guest of honor tonight,

we are very proud to introduce a great philanthropist

and a great guy-- Robert California.

Thank you.

Why do we love dogs?

Want me to tell you why?

There is no answer.

Our love for them confounds reason.

Can you believe this guy?

State Senator Robert Lipton loves dogs.

He asked me if I love dogs.

You know what I said?

Yes.

Not a joke. That w-- that was not even a joke.

Bella here was a therapy dog for ten years.

When her owner passed away, she came to this organization

for placement, but people don't often adopt older dogs,

so Bella and 11 heroes like her are being cared for

by our generous volunteers,

because frankly, nobody else will.

I will.

I will take all of those dogs.

- Andy, that's very kind, but-- - No, no, no, no, no.

This guy can talk and talk all he wants,

- but it's not that complicated. - Andy,

- why don't we discuss this-- - No, no, no, no.

It's about being there for someone

after it's become inconvenient for them to be around.

Hello, everyone, I'm Andy Bernard,

and I am going to take that bitch home.

That is a female dog reference.

"This bitch understands loyalty."

Sassy human reference.

Thank you. I will take Bella.

- Take-- - Aw.

And every single one of her friends.

Oh, God.

He's ruining our event!

Honey, you think I can't handle this?

I'm a state senator.

Mr. Bernard?

- Please, this way, okay? - Hope you all

- learned something. - Okay.

So you're adopting 12 special needs dogs.

Yep.

And this strikes you as something other

than a desperate cry for attention.

I think I know when I'm desperately crying.

Well...

good for you.

Why don't you let one of our volunteers

introduce you to your new family?

Great.

Huey's gonna need this medication

once every 90 minutes.

You can administer it orally, but he's gonna puke it up,

so other end's best.

Don't split up Daisy and Mojo, because Daisy'll start to, uh,

I was gonna say "bark," but it's more of a scream.

I'm so ready to love all of these animals.

This one's even bonding with me already.

I know, Kenny's a therapy dog.

He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.

Stupid dog.

Well, if you would like to talk about this some more,

my door is always open, so here is my office number

- and my cell number. - Thank you.

Okay.

Boom. Got his digits.

You owe me a ChapStick.

Well, looks like he really did

just want to talk about the issues.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

Oh, sorry about what?

There's nothing to be sorry about here.

No, I'm certainly not disappointed

that Angela's husband wasn't hitting on me.

I'd have to be a monster to root for that.

A lonely, aging monster.

Tacos were on sale.

Eight for $3.

Oh, great.

Okay. Oh.

- Oh. Oh--oh, these tacos. Right. - Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Uh, okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, huh.

Mmm.

Well, that's hit the spot.

Um, very savory.

Uh--

What do you do with the crispy holder?

Oh. Here. Let's try this again.

Here, don't put your finger in--yeah.

Just hold it like that. Hold it to the side.

- Right. - Hold it to the side.

- Lean it to the side. - This way?

Look at me. Like this.

She's trying.

The winner of the three-day trip

to the top of the Skytop Lodge is Dwight Shrute.

Yes!

Thank you.

The year-long membership to Scranton Bikram Yoga is...

Dwight Shrute.

Oh, yes!

Yeah!

A one-hour appointment with the Kissing Magician

goes to Dwight Shrute.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, oh, yeah!

Well,

I think I can save us all some time.

Uh, Dwight Shrute has won every single item here.

Thank you very much!

All I had to do was look up the prices, idiots!

- Suck it! - Well, Dwight, yes,

you certainly are a record-breaker.

Your donation

is the largest we've ever received,

at over $34,000.

Speech!

Speech.

No, speech.

Speech.

Thank you.

Wow, I can't tell you...

What an honor it is

to support this...thing.

And obviously, that amount of money

is no concern to me whatsoever.

But I want to ask you something.

When did it become all about the money?

When did it become about the flower arrangements

and the white wine spritzers, hmm?

And all the dinner rolls.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

How many courses did we have tonight?

Two? Three, maybe, if you chose the pudding.

I mean, what waste.

These tables, tarted up like Victorian whores.

Let's remember we are all here...

for the--the dog society.

He's what's important, whatever his name is,

not any of this.

So that is going to be my donation to you.

Thank you and good night.

Whoa!

Uh...

- Oscar. - Nice to see you again.

- It was lovely. - It was lovely.

And don't forget to call.

Okay.

Thanks so much for coming.

Why does this always happen to me?

Ah!

I just feel so bad for Angela.

Apparently, there were some silly rumors

going around tonight.

We are very much in love.

Very much in love.

So it just goes on under here, like this?

That's right.

- Oh, God! - Yeah. Yeah,

- you never get used to that. - Wow.

Hey, just wanted to check in, see how you're doing.

I am so great.

He's great. We're all great.

12 dogs.

This is my life now. I'm a dog nurse.

Look at that one, though. He's smiling.

Yeah, he should be.

It's his first day without a muzzle.

This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

- Absolutely, it's... - Yes.

- Awesome. - I'm sorry, are you guys nuts?

He's not doing great. He was fired.

This is terrible.

This is literally the worst thing

that has ever happened to you, not the best.

You're right.

He's right. I am a mess.

This whole night I've been trying to convince you guys

that I'm fine-- I guess I thought that

if I could convince you that I'm fine, maybe--

Maybe you would think it too.

I'm sorry, uh, I-- uh, it's just, I--

I--I don't get to be in a lot of human conversations, so---

Okay, well, Andy, listen,

it's okay if you don't feel totally settled.

This is all very fresh.

Yeah, I mean, admitting that you need help

- is the first step. - Yes,

and also focusing on the positive.

Like, I got a lot of good things going on.

Yeah.

Like that rock opera.

You could always do that, right?

Yeah, I do. I have that.

Yeah.

You're gonna be all right.

Mm, no. No, he's not.

Yes I am. Thank you, Kev.

You're welcome.

Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot.

And by sometimes, I mean all times.

All the time.

Every of the time.

So some of us ended up adopting those elderly dogs.

It's been great.

Pepper's been getting me out of the house,

going on runs.

Yeah, my dog Ruby doesn't do anything.

She just lays there all day. She's so chill.

What do you feed her?

Well, I put out Pro Bow Wow, but she barely touches it.

She's so dainty.

Is she sick? How are her poops?

Doesn't really poop. It's perfect.

Nothing to pick up.

She just kind of lies there all day like a good girl.

I put on the TV for her,

but I have to prop her eyes open so she can see it.

- Does she smell? - She smells horrible.

It's unbelievable,

but I don't want to put her in the bath,

'cause I'm afraid that she'll drown.

People seem awful interested in you, ruby.

Guess they're just jealous, right?

Yeah, that-a girl.

That-a girl. Man, that stinks.

* *