Original subtitles

Whew! Wow, it is raining cats and dogs out there.

Holy moly.

Phyllis says the same 12 clichés every time it rains.

So I promised everyone

that if she says them all by noon today,

I will send out for hot chocolates.

So how's the drive in?

Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain.

You don't say?

Yeah, you know the roads are actually the slickest

in the first half hour?

I think it's the oil that comes to the surface.

I agree.

Oh, the plants are gonna love this.

Mm-hmm.

I actually sleep better when it's raining.

Tell me about it.

Time's almost up. How many are left?

Just one.

"This weather makes me to stay at home,

curled up with a good book."

Phyllis.

This rain--does it make you want to be doing something?

What do you mean?

You know, like aren't some things

just so nice and cozy in the rain?

Hey, come on.

Lots of things are cozy in the rain.

And that's noon. Exactly.

Sorry about that everybody.

Hey, Phyllis, would you like a hot chocolate?

Ooh, I'd love one.

I'm going out to get two hot chocolates.

I mean, normally the rain

would make me want to stay at home

curled up with a good book.

But everybody's being so nice to me today.

I'm really happy being here.

* *

* My girlfriend's back, and there's gonna be trouble *

both: * Hey la, hey la *

- * My girlfriend's back * - * His girlfriend's back *

- A month ago, I walked out of this office

positive I was never coming back.

I probably shouldn't have emailed everyone

telling them exactly what I thought of them.

- Hey, Erin, thank you for the nice email.

- Oh. Yeah.

I don't get emotional a lot, but that was...

I'm just glad to know I had an impact.

I meant every word.

- In other news, Erin and Andy are back together.

- Crazy story-- Yes.

- I drove all the way down to Florida.

- She was not expecting it. No.

- Totally swept her off her feet.

- Yeah. Right?

How long was the drive?

- It's, like, a day and a half each way.

But when I got there, I went right up to the house,

- and I was like-- Day and a half?

My lumbar would be killing me.

- Oh, you should get this lumbar-support cushion thing

- my dad has. What's it called?

Um...not EZ Rest.

- That gas must've cost a pretty penny, huh?

Well, he's got a Prius.

How many times you fill the tank, three, four?

- What does gas cost down there?

- Lumbar Buddy! Lumbar Buddy.

- Oh, yeah, Lumbar Buddy. Tell you what--

- I'll email you the story.

- It's a real tear-jerker, though.

So read with caution.

Anyway, I know it's the end of the day.

We just wanted to stop by and say hi.

And then later on, we have a reservation at Patsel's.

- Ooh, Patsel's? That's very upscale.

I mean, even Bob and I don't go there more than once a month.

- Well, it's a special occasion.

It's our first night together as a couple.

- Wait. Didn't you bang in the motel?

- That's not an answerable question.

Is that the story you would want to tell our grandkids

about how their parents were conceived?

- Uh, no, thanks. No, thank you.

Two entrees, plus drinks,

- plus tips, plus parking... I know.

- Taxes... Right.

- Miss Lumbar.

- Hey, Kev! Yeah.

- Nice...sweater. Thank you.

Nellie was nice enough to give it to me.

She's sweet.

I just wish there was pockets.

What happened to Old Salty?

Nellie let me bobblize him.

His name is now Captain Mutato.

I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction.

Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid.

So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid.

Most of my writing involves the latter.

Okeydoke.

Yes?

Whoa.

Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram

I've been hearing all about.

I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about.

- Oh, yes. - I just want to thank you

for jumping in and minding the store

during my temporary absence.

You are most welcome.

Anyway, now that I'm back,

I would love to have my office back

- whenever you get a chance. - No.

Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics

of moving all of this stuff out of here.

But, you know, the sooner the better.

- Mm. - Get back to normalcy.

Hmm, no.

Thank you.

Okay.

When I showed up here, there was no manager.

It's like when the Americans showed up at the moon.

Nobody was there, so they planted their flag,

and it's their moon now, isn't it?

Nobody likes it, but it's America's bloody moon.

And then just lay him in his crib,

and then bicycle his legs.

And then after Jim quiets down,

you do the same thing with your baby.

But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

But, seriously, we don't want to bother you

- any more than we already have. - That's it.

It's no bother. You guys are our friends.

Ravi, our amazing pediatrician,

was asking us if we knew any girls.

And I said I know the perfect girl.

Yep. Because Kelly is Indian, and...

Oh, that's it.

Race had nothing to do with it.

I just knew they'd be good together.

Why?

- Kelly has been a handful in the past.

But she's had a bad influence. She's like an addict.

And I just had to get her clean.

Get lower.

Next, I'm gonna set up my sister with Darryl.

Okay, we get it.

What? I think they'd be good together.

Really?

Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.

Sorry, just to be clear,

you're saying do not shake the baby.

Don't shake the baby.

Um, a lot times, parents get frustrated

'cause the baby's crying, and they shake the baby.

And you got to-- you can't do that.

- Don't shake our baby? - Yeah.

Okay. I'd never heard that before.

- So thank you. - Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm glad you said something.

Me too.

Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants.

And her new boyfriend seems awesome...

if you're into Indian people.

I'm not.

Also, love and support...

Actually more important than anything medical.

Ryan went to med school for...?

Did you go to med school?

I went to business school at night.

And I'm sorry, he's not that great.

Oh, he's a doctor.

Well, he's a kids' doctor.

Call me when you learn how to work on grown-ups, Ravi.

And that's when I realized,

if you're gonna put a thermometer in one end,

you better put a lollipop in the other.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Is this a workplace or a Starbucks?

Because I was under the impression it was a workplace.

- Maybe I'm the crazy one. - No, no, we're sorry.

Come on, let's go, Ravi.

Also, uh, since when do we have guests here

without clearance?

I didn't okay this.

Hey, um...

what's the deal with this guy?

He's really into Kelly, huh?

Yeah, they're really great together.

Makes me wonder if I made a mistake.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, I think you guys are both happier now, right?

You're single, plenty of girls to date, right?

Yeah.

Maybe we weren't right together,

but...it's weird.

I'd rather she be alone than with somebody.

Is that love?

That's about it, yeah.

Oh, Nellie picked up the slack around here

while you were trolling the Florida beaches for tail,

like some college student on Spring Break.

I had to tell Erin how I felt.

Andy, I appreciate your romantic quest,

and at an age before the telephone or Internet

or written language, that would be compelling.

But there are five, six devices in this room alone

that would've let you tell her that

without ever going to Florida.

We live in amazing times.

Yeah, I know I screwed up.

But I always do whatever you ask of me,

and this will never happen again.

And if Erin decides she's made a mistake

and returns to Florida?

At least she knows how I feel.

And I would not follow her.

What if she were kidnapped

by a gang of Albanian human traffickers?

Like in "Taken"?

What?

Yes, of course, if she's taken.

That's what I'm talking about-- by Albanians.

I would stay in this office.

Wow. Okay.

I'll remember you said that.

Nellie!

You've been terrific in your interim capacity.

But Andrew is the rightful manager,

so if you would just give him his office--

No.

I'm sorry.

This is what I was trying to tell you.

I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me.

Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it,

because then it feels so good

when they finally say yes.

You're both adults.

I'm sure you can...

figure this out between yourselves.

I never allow sexual desire

to influence a business decision.

So I find it best to...

recuse myself temporarily

until I've had a chance to make love

and then go back and...

analyze the situation rationally.

Buffett operates the same way.

I want to order the zebra rug for my office,

but can you dye it entirely black?

No, I still want it to be a zebra.

Well, I'll know.

Because they're ridiculous creatures.

They don't know what they are.

Phyllis says J. Duffy's might be more our speed.

And if we want even the option of drawing on the placemat--

I got a little bit of an anger problem.

Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.

- When I see him start to get mad, I just...

put my hand on his arm like this.

It reminds me to just check out and relax.

There's also a lullaby

they used to sing to me when I was growing up.

* The state of Pennsylvania is watching over you *

* No need for parents, the governor will do *

It's really nice.

* The General Assembly's like a mom and a dad *

I, uh, got a call about a trespasser.

Yes. Right this way.

'Cause they are idiots--

big stripey, horsey idiots--

What are you doin-- Hey.

Hank, please remove Nellie from my office.

Hank, thank God you're here.

This psychopath keeps barging into my office.

It's my office.

Well, she's, uh, sitting there like a manager.

You're standing up here like me.

But, uh...

maybe it's a little more complicated than that.

I'm gonna count down from five,

and if are not out of my office,

I'm going to dock your pay $100.

Five...four...

You can't dock my pay. I am your boss.

Three, two, one.

Congratulations, you just lost $100.

Really?

Angela!

Dock Andy's pay $100!

On it!

Great!

Um, five, four, three, two, one.

Angela, please dock Nellie's pay $100.

Hmm? Is she responding?

Mm.

Angela?

- Do you want to go again? - Angela?

Let's go again. Five, four...

Ooh, she's counting again.

- Three, two, one. - Look out.

Angela, $200!

- Got it! - Seriously, Angela?

I know what-- let's go...

$10,000.

I like being a part of any power struggle,

but sometimes it's nice to just sit back and be a spectator...

like when I was a kid.

- Five... - You're just saying numbers.

- Four... - It's meaningless.

- Three... - It's literally, like--

Two...one.

I have to pee.

There you go.

Hey, we're gonna have a nice, hot date.

What are you guys talking about?

- Charlie Rose. - I don't know who that is.

Guys, guys, come here.

- What are you-- - Come on.

Where are we going?

Okay, do you guys want--

Andy, you should not stand there.

The warehouse guys pee there all the time.

Ew.

Okay, do you guys want to be part of something huge?

I'm already a member of the largest club there is--

non-churchgoing Christians.

You remember in the movie "Rudy"

when a player comes into the coach's office

and he throws his jersey down and he's like,

"I'm not playing without Rudy"?

And the coach is like, "One guy--no big deal."

But then every player comes in one by one,

and they all throw their jerseys down for Rudy.

- Remember that? - Yeah, I remember that.

So how amazing would it be

if you guys all did that for me

with your own brand-new Dunder Mifflin jerseys?

Hey, guys.

Gross, gross.

You don't need to go.

So how was your date?

Uh, it was great.

You know, I tried to tell you.

Spending that kind of money doesn't make sense

if you don't have the palate for it.

Yeah.

It was fun.

Nice dinner, then we went home.

A lot of fun.

They probably spent what they make in a week

on mac and cheese that tasted funny.

It's called black-truffle oil, kids.

Really?

I found these the other day while I was journaling,

and they reminded me of you.

Oh, those are from our weekend at the timeshare.

Yeah, the fractional-ownership property.

Oh, we took this one

right before we got in that huge fight.

God, I don't even remember what that fight was about.

You were being really bratty

about where we would go out to dinner.

But-- All I remember...

is how pretty you looked taking those pictures of me.

Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own,

I can send you the link.

Yeah, that'd be cool. Thanks.

I'd like that.

You were so annoying as I was taking that picture.

Someone's into my abs.

Ryan.

You have doubles of this one. I could probably just take one.

I really want both.

I am seeing a side of Ryan that I have never seen...

since the last time we were broken up.

I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor.

And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow

or the next day or the day after that,

but I do know that right here, right now,

all I can think about

is spending the rest of my life with her.

Again, that could change.

- Hey. - Mm-hmm.

So last night was so not a big deal.

Oh, yeah, I was just tired.

- We both were. - Yeah.

Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self.

Whoa. No.

Are you kidding? You were so sexy.

Just the thought of you last night, like,

crazy turns me on.

It just didn't last night.

But you were so dang doable, even though we didn't do it.

Well, it's not like we can't do it again

when--whenever you're ready.

Uh, yeah, we are sexing it up tonight.

I don't care what you say. No...

It will be consensual whether you like it or not.

Sounds good. I'm gonna do you.

- Not if I do you first. - Oh.

But, really, it's not a big deal.

Yeah.

I know it's not a big deal.

Oh, hey, uh, instead of lunch,

do you feel like going shopping?

Are you serious? Yes.

That would be--I can't-- Can you believe this?

- Hey, can you believe it? - Nope.

Mm.

Oh, do you want that dress in every size and every color?

Yeah, it's free returns.

I saw you were getting along with Ryan again.

He's so sweet.

He pointed to my latte, and he said,

"Kelly, that will be the color of our children."

Oh, God. Yeah, he's so great.

Remember how it felt when he cheated on you, though?

Which time?

I am not going to let Kelly

throw her life away on Ryan.

And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician.

Why you would even ask or were going to ask,

because I-I feel like that question was coming.

But, you know, whatever, ask me anything.

When you lost the manager job...

- Yes. - Did it affect you

outside of the office?

How?

I don't know what the technical term is.

Penial...

softiosis.

Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me.

Yu came to the exact right person for this.

No, I have never once experienced

anything remotely like that,

ever, ever, never.

- Oh, okay. - Okay?

Okay.

- Washington Monument. - Oh.

- Eiffel Tower. - Okay.

Colossus at Rhodes.

Hey, I hear you've been badmouthing me to Kelly.

All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly.

Well, that's your opinion, and it's her opinion,

but it's not my opinion.

If you have something bad to say to me, Pam,

say it to my face.

Fair enough. Um...

I don't think you're a very good person.

And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before.

I don't like you very much.

Well, a lot of people would say

that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.

Oh, come on, Ryan. Really?

- Ravi's way better. - Yeah.

- For Kelly? - Yeah.

Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package.

I've never met Ravi personally,

but I'm gonna go ahead and say

just having knowing you short while, Brian,

that I prefer Ravi.

And, again, I've never even met the guy.

Kelly, look around. Nobody believes in us.

Nobody.

Ryan, just stop making a scene

in front of all my friends.

Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem.

But I can't even read it.

My heart couldn't handle it.

- Come-- - Oh, no, no, no.

Read it, please. I love amazing poetry.

No, it would cause me too much pain.

Read through the pain. Be strong.

This poem would crush you!

My God, Ryan, go away!

She found herself a beautiful boyfriend!

Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous.

- Please leave her alone. - You see, Kelly?

Our love scares them.

It screws up their cookie-cutter world!

Do you guys think he's right, though?

Do we live in a cookie cutter's world?

Absolutely, but it's not the point.

God.

Pam sent around a puppy clip that most found overrated.

I believe one of Toby's eyes is getting smaller.

So there's that.

Gabe bragged about having

an extra ticket to the air show this weekend.

And Meredith said she was interested,

and then Gabe said immediately

that his friend might be taking the ticket.

So I'll keep you posted on that.

Every day I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office.

Most of it's irrelevant.

But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on.

A good informer informs.

Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity,

so congratulations on that.

What do you mean?

Erin made it clear to me

that he was unable to perform sexually last night.

By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large,

it was like I was wearing no blanket at all.

Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him!

I'm a little bit jealous, actually.

Reduced him to a mere ant.

I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood.

Are we good? Everybody got a jersey?

I still think it's weird that we're just doing "Rudy,"

like, not a spin on it-- we're just doing it.

Oh.

What about the "Dead Poets Society"?

- Much better movie. - What?

Get your movie rankings right, dude.

Well, why can't we just do whatever movie we want?

'Cause I was gonna do a "Spartacus."

Oh, I want to do a "Spartacus."

I am Spartacus!

No, I am Spartacus!

Hey, guys, I'm gonna do "Debbie Does Dallas."

Right? With the--

I'm just kidding, guys.

Man, that was-- You should've seen your face.

You were like, "What? That's crazy."

We're doing "Rudy," okay? So get ready.

Okay, I would like to invite everyone

into the conference room.

Sure, but first, there's something--

No, that's not important. Conference room now.

You can't call a meeting, so...

But I would like to have a meeting

in the conference room right now!

So come on, guys, let's get in the conference room.

Thank you. Good.

Thank you for coming to my meeting.

Appreciate it.

Okay, if you would like to take a seat,

- we can get started. - Oh!

Can't do it 'cause I got to run a meeting, so...

Wanted to talk to all of you guys

about importance.

It's a little vague.

But it is one of the most important subjects

that we should be discussing.

And know that each and every one of you

is vitally important, okay?

You're important.

You are important.

Andrew, not everyone here is important.

And the word is impotence.

Which is important in its own way.

So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy.

"Take a man's job, but leave him his balls."

Margaret Thatcher said that...probably.

Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie.

So Nellie wanted to have a meeting on impotence.

I told her she would have to run it,

as impotence is a concept as foreign to me as baba ghanoush.

Something to do with eggplant.

That's all I know.

Well, the amount of embarrassment

felt by people with a sexual dysfunction is astounding.

Did you know

that there are more deaths from impotence-related suicide

than in the whole of Vietnam.

That's not correct.

Well, I didn't think so either,

but as there are no statistics available,

we will just never know.

Okay.

What are wars really but a cure for impotence?

Well, except World War II, which was--

Ah, don't get me started.

You'll find I am no fan of Nazis.

Nor am I, Robert,

which is why I asked Nellie

to invite you all into this meeting

to talk about that very subject, stat.

And, of course, Nellie responded with a...

"Right away, boss."

Oh, it's uncanny.

I would just like to stress

this meeting is not about any one person in particular.

It is a human problem.

It's not just a human problem.

Flounders frequently experience impotence,

especially when converting from male to female

and then back again to male.

Really?

Nellie, does the "person" affected by this

want us to help her in any way in particular?

Oh, oh, it's not me. No, no.

I've never had any problem in that arena.

And I have been with several older men.

- How old? - How old?

Jinx. Buy me some Coke.

Dwight told me about it earlier.

Dwight!

You promised.

Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?

No, no, no, no. It's not me.

I'm gonna prove it right here and now.

- What are you doing? What is this?

- Stop that! Dwight!

Dwight, stop that. Stop it.

Fine, it was me.

I couldn't--I had a problem with Erin last night.

Happy?

I had a lot on my mind last night,

and I didn't perform.

Okay? It happens to plenty of guys.

It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion

and an interview.

I'm sure it's something that a lot of people in this room

have had trouble with at one time or another.

For me personally, last night was the first time.

- And... - That's right.

- It's never happened before. - Never happened before.

And that is fine.

You know, it is just a natural part of aging.

- Natural part of aging. - A lot of men in their 40s--

Not in my 40s. I'm not in my 40s, so...

I apologize.

Apology not accepted.

But...

every guy in this room has been touched

by this affliction.

Tuna. T-dog!

Um...

Um...

I have other issues.

I'm terrible at math. Overweight.

You-- you're in great shape.

A lot better shape than I am, tell you what.

Oscar.

Oh, um, okay, uh...

- yes. - Yes.

I was with a woman, and, uh...

it was before I knew I was gay.

So...

I'm not gay.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm not implying.

And even if you were, that would be fine.

That would be okay.

That would not make you any less of a man.

In fact...

some would say it would make you even more of a man,

because, statistically,

gay men are more well-endowed than regulars.

- That still can't be right. - It's documented.

Well, you should read more.

It seems Andy is the only one with this problem.

- Fascinating. - Fascinating.

I don't really see what the problem is.

Erin doesn't even like sex, remember?

You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.

Chumbo, come on, help me out.

Any problems with Little Chumbo?

Tip-top shape.

Oh...Stanley.

No. Mm-mm.

Creed, you are 1,000 years old.

Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did.

Okay, so I-I-I--

Actually, Andy, I think maybe we experienced it.

What happened?

- That a couple of times-- - A couple of times.

Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times.

- Yeah, Jim. - Get it out there.

Um...I don't--

Uh, yes, that time that it was very late.

Uh, we'd had sex so many times already,

I was exhausted. I could barely see.

- Okay, stop. - I was very drunk.

If it makes you feel any better,

I never had an orgasm until I was 42.

And then when I did, it lasted till I was 44.

43 was ju--

I got nothing done.

Have you tried turning the lights out?

I've been with a lot of guys,

and they all prefer to do it in the dark.

Ryan thinks it's helpful

to pretend that I'm a celebrity, like Amanda Knox.

What? This is the person

that you're thinking of getting back together with?

Thanks a lot, guys.

Don't need your suggestions, okay?

Andy, you should try to think about baseball.

Well, no, we're talking about ways to become aroused,

- not delay climax. - I know.

I really like baseball.

I've read--

and I don't know anything about this personally--

but they say prostate stimulation can help.

- Ugh. - This is just--

"This American Life" I think I heard it on.

No, that's absolutely the case.

I know, right?

You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator

is rated for bovine use only,

but I could let you rent it.

Andy, why don't you tell us

about the best erection of your life?

Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections

they'd like to share?

Wow, what are we talking about?

Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking

- about this kind of stuff? - Erin, HR is a joke.

I can't do anything about anything.

The most important thing to remember

is do not stress about this.

Stress just makes it worse,

and then you stress more.

And that's a vicious spiral.

All right? Good.

Good meeting, everybody. Let's get back to work.

Meeting's not over till I say it's over.

So couple more things on my agenda.

Guys...

- Poor Rudy. - My meeting is, uh--

My meeting's over. Thanks, guys. Good meeting.

Well done. Well, well done.

I almost didn't come in today.

Dad, don't think of it as a demotion.

Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level.

I don't think you have to tell your friends anything.

It hasn't been decided yet.

Erin, on phone memos,

you're righting the date American style.

Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year.

Small, bigger, biggest.

Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional.

Shut up!

Shut up! Liar.

"Sexual innuendo.

Not intentional."

Enough already.

You can only take so much lying down.

That actually was unintentional.

I am sick of your dumb opinions.

And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages,

here.

Take 'em yourself!

Our sex life is none of anyone's businesses!

And Andy is the manager, not Nellie!

Stop protecting me.

I'm a man. I can protect myself.

This is misdirected anger, and I'm sorry.

I don't mean to lash out at you.

There's a lot coming up right now, all at once!

Dad, go to hell! I'm taller than you!

Okay, just calm down.

You are not the manager.

I earned that job.

I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.

Andy, why don't you just take a seat?

Why don't you take a seat, idiot?

And why don't you take all your stupid memos

and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?

And your stupid face!

And your stupid office!

- Ah! - Ow.

He does not like that wall.

Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together.

That would actually be cool.

I'd love for you to meet some of the guys.

Andy, Erin, you can join us now.

What do you like about Ryan?

Ryan keeps up with all the latest technology trends.

And he's very honest with me about when I put on weight.

And he has the soul and the body of a poet.

Eh, Ravi's hotter.

I mean, I'm a straight man, and looks are subjective,

but there's no question about it.

Yeah, but I'm just worried

that I'm only attracted to Ravi

because he looks exactly like this Calvin Klein model

- that I'm attracted to. - Who cares? That's fine.

When I was your age, I had to choose between a Ryan and Ravi,

and I chose the Ryan.

If I hadn't, I wouldn't have my kids.

You'd still have kids.

Better kids. Oh, you got to go Ravi.

Here's my advice.

Figure out what your heart wants.

And if it's not Ravi, change it to Ravi.

I don't understand why this is a dilemma for you.

He has, like, those je ne sais quoi.

He taught me that.

Ravi makes me incredibly happy.

And Ryan puts me through so much drama.

So I guess I just have to decide

which of those is more important to me.

Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager

and put you back on the sales team.

I promise you, in time,

we'll all laugh about this incident.

I already think it's kind of funny.

No.

Excuse me?

I'm saying no.

- Well, you can't say no. - No.

- Oh, boo! Boo! - Holy crap.

- What an idiot. - Boo!

- Boo to you! Boo! - Pam, You are toxic.

- You are toxic! - Hey, hey, hey. Okay.

Kelly, I have a few things to say to you,

- and please don't interrupt. - I wasn't going to interrupt.

Well, you do a lot, so just don't--thank you.

I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you,

for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated.

But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.

But someday.

And probably.

Barf! Ugh, you suck!

What is your problem? Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can we turn this back around quickly, please?

Can we turn this around quickly?

- This is very important to me. - Betsy, turn around.

Turn around. Turn around!

Help me turn this thing around, please.

Thank you.

She don't want to turn around.

Thank you.

Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together.

I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you.

Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way.

Men aren't built that way.

There's a very interesting article I can email to you.

But I can tell you this.

Even if the odds are 50/50 that we'll break up within the week,

I want to roll those dice.

- I love you, Kelly. - Ryan--

Will you roll those dice with me?

You mean so much to me.

I used to believe that there was someone perfect out there

for each of us.

In a fantasy world, it'd be the best of both--

Ravi's good looks, Ravi's intelligence,

Ravi's kindness, Ryan's...

Ravi's charm.

But this is reality.

I love Ravi, and I choose him.

- No, you don't. - I do.

No, you don't.

I hope we can still be friends.

Can I have a hug?

Oh. Ew!

Well, it's good to see Kelly's maturing.

Oh, God.

Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.

No.

It's the apology. I really have to insist.

- No. - Stop saying no.

No.

Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired.

So...

is there anything else you want to say?

No.

I can't describe it. I just--

For the first time in a long time,

I actually feel in control.

- I feel...alive. - Here.

Ah, da, da, da, da.

I got it.

- But you hurt your hand. - I...got it.

- Right now? - Yes.

You're not the least bit curious to hear a poem

- straight from Ryan's soul? - Not at all, can we go?

"Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches."

- Second line. - "He is a drifter out to sea."

"And when the Indian Ocean calms,

one speck of white remains in waters cold and Kelly green."

It's just so dumb.

But when he describes himself as a child

lost on the life raft...

Uh, Ryan can never know.