Original subtitles

This is Pam.

Oh, my God, are you sure?

Uh, okay. Okay, we'll be right there.

Everybody,

the balloon is falling.

Nice.

- There's this balloon that has been floating

in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever.

And, okay, it's not-- it doesn't sound cool.

You just have to see it.

Well, I guess it doesn't look that cool either.

But it's been up there a long time,

so it's become a pretty big deal.

Wow. It's the end of an era.

Did a good job, buddy.

Now it's time to come home.

I remember when that balloon went up there.

I was still with Gil.

We were so happy.

When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.

How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin?

I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs

to say, "Look, a balloon."

My "Warcraft" clan was still on speaking terms.

My kid didn't have a face tattoo.

I was still thinking of going back to school.

And I was still just a paper salesman.

Well, this has been fun, Pam.

Thanks for calling us all down here.

all: Kill the balloon.

Kill the balloon.

Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon.

* *

- Hey. So they accidentally gave us

an extra egg sandwich this morning.

- Who wants it? Ooh.

- Right here, right here. Yes.

- Allow me to solve your problem, then.

- Nellie. Mmm.

Oh, that is disgusting.

Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?

- What brings you to town?

- Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum.

What a nobody.

Oh, look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack.

Let's build a shrine.

No, I've come to work here.

What?

How could Robert transfer Nellie here

after the Sabre store debacle?

She stinks of failure.

The fact that she could show her face

around here is an embarrassment.

I should know. I'm in an identical situation.

- Robert did say you'd be joining us.

Welcome. I'm Tony.

- Mm. What?

- I-I said I'm Tony.

Okay, I made a mistake.

I thought it might go unnoticed.

But, uh, I'm Toby.

- You messed up saying your name?

It happens, okay?

So let's just find an empty desk for you,

and I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.

- That one looks empty. No, it's Andy's office.

Oh, is it?

I have one simple philosophy in business--

if the seat is open, the job is open.

It's how I came to briefly race a Formula 1 car.

The three slowest laps ever recorded.

- Another beautiful day in Tallahassee.

Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.

Good morning, Erin.

- How are you? How's your family doing?

Bye.

This is my house.

It has five rooms,

not including the garage or the roof.

It takes me most of the day just to clean it.

Oh, I'm a maid now...

like in "Downtown Abbey."

Did I not mention I only watch PBS now?

- Because we don't have cable. We have cable.

You just have to turn the TV on 3 and use the other remote.

This is Irene,

the world's best boss/roommate/ cantankerous old coot.

I taught you "cantankerous," and now you use it against me?

See? She's given me everything--

a job, a house, a new life.

And a suitor.

Hey, Erin, are you gonna help me study

for the TSA exam later?

- You said you would. - Yeah, okay.

Tallahassee.

- Nellie. - Robert.

How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?

So far, so good.

The water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.

Ah, well, it is astounding

what a difference that can make, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Now, let's find you something fun to do here, shall we?

Oh, I've already found it.

I am manager-- a natural next step.

- Fits like a glove. - We have a manager.

Do you really?

Because it is 10:00,

I've been in this chair for an hour,

and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.

Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?

Huh, yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now.

Right, guys?

- Hello?

Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work?

Hey, Robert.

Ah, I really wish I could come into work today,

but I'm super sick.

I don't care. I don't care.

Please come to work immediately.

Okay, I'll try to come in,

even though I'm really sick with the...

Florida flu.

He just hung up on me mid-sentence.

I'm in Florida to get Erin.

As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton,

I jumped straight in my car

and drove straight down till I hit the ocean.

My heart is my map.

Turns out Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland,

so I overshot a good amount.

But still, not bad for a heart map, right?

Oh, no.

Thanks a lot, B.P.

Not much we can do about this until he gets here.

Can't you do something about this?

Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.

Right.

What is going on?

And where's Andy?

And what is going on?

Okay, this is it.

Grandkids, take note--

this is how Granny and Grampy got together.

I know you just know her as a fat, old bag now,

but once upon a time, she was hot.

- Erin, you got a package. - I'm in the bathroom.

Where's the postage?

I mean, there's no shipping label.

- Did you wash your hands? - Yes.

* Here I am *

* Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours *

Andy, what are you doing here?

It's great to see you.

Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

Has he not kicked her out yet? This is insane.

Has she come out at all?

Once to eat a bagel

and again, I'm assuming, to void it.

- Has anyone talked to Andy? - He's not returning any calls.

I checked his Facebook.

Status said "Pumped for Wednesday."

Today's Thursday.

I hate to take it to this place,

but re Andy, has anyone checked the morgue?

Checking a morgue isn't a real thing.

- Yeah, it's a real thing. - If you're a policeman.

No, anyone. You just, like-- "Hey, can I look around?"

- Anyone? - Yeah.

They have names on everything.

I didn't know you worked with CSI.

Then you go to the graveyard. You look for a cemetery plot.

- Okay, guys! Shh! - All right, Sherlock.

Andy's fine, all right?

Last time he was this late, he just lost track of time

watching a "Today" show segment on men's shorts, so it's not--

Well, what's Nellie like?

She's the last person I'd expect to see here.

Talk about failing upwards.

That's how cantaloupe got popular.

I'll text Andy.

Ryan, can you put my phone on text mode?

Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, A, push--push N,

push D, push, push, push, okay.

What's this, then?

Everyone okay? Just some casual conversation?

- Yep, exactly. - Yeppers.

Let's all follow Mama Goose into the meeting room, then,

shall we, ducklings?

- Nellie. - Yes...

Robert.

Yes.

Come on, you heard her.

So this is what we're doing now, then?

We're just--

That's where I keep my spices--

cumin, saffron, paprika.

I bought everything you need to make a paella.

- She means papaya. - I mean paella.

Great. The maid has a visitor.

Maybe he'll use my exercise bike, too.

Nope. Uh, I am here...

to take you back to Scranton,

because I love you and I want to be with you.

Where's the ring?

- Hmm? - Where's the ring, Lancelot?

Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second?

Sorry, Glenn.

Um, Andy...

I am so happy to see you.

But I'm not coming back with you.

Why won't she go with him?

I don't know.

Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.

Hey... don't listen.

Can you tell me why?

I just...

I thought you'd want to come back.

I don't know. A lot of reasons.

Well, tell me one.

I have a life here, Andy.

I-I have a cool house.

I have a-a great job,

a really great roommate/best friend.

Is there someone else?

Well, yeah, maybe.

- Who? - Glenn.

I mean, we don't know each other that well,

but I'm excited to see if there's anything there.

Glenn, the guy that lives here with his grandmother?

Yeah, that's Glenn.

I'm--I'm sorry that he's not

some Bryn Mawr cross-country coach lady like Jessica,

but maybe my tastes aren't as refined, you know?

You can't always have a hamburger.

Sometimes you just want bologna.

He's like Spam or something.

Look, I don't know where it's going.

I--

Never settle for bologna when you can have hamburger.

I-I'm not saying take me back.

I-I mean, of course, that's what I want.

I'm just saying you are worth hamburger.

Well, this is not what I expected...

especially after driving here all night.

I'm sorry. I know you must be tired.

Uh, no, actually, I'm not tired.

I-I had a 12-pack of this energy drink called Up Yours.

It has a picture of a hyena giving you the finger

- on the can. - Oh.

I feel weird. I just--

Can I stay for lunch?

- Oh. - As a friend?

Well, I'd have to boil another hot dog.

But, ye--but, yes. Yes.

I'm not gonna give up that easily.

Let me tell you something--

if a long drive was all it took to win over a girl,

then supermodels would be married to long-haul truckers.

So "what is going on?"

That does seem to be the question, doesn't it?

Hey, this is messed up, bro.

Who is this weird lady?

I know.

It's a lot.

So who knows what's going on?

Anyone? You, yes.

Wait, I am very good at intuiting names.

Andrea is it?

Andrea? Do I look like a rapper?

Angela.

Still very close.

- I don't see it. - Okay, then.

Yes, you.

Ooh, I've got a very good feeling about your name.

Is it...

Chumbo?

I think it's a cross between "dumbo" and "jumbo,"

with a hint of "chubby."

It's not a name.

So no one can tell me what's going on.

Well, let me illuminate things for you.

We are getting to know each other.

But why, m'lady?

Because I am your new manager.

Robert, is Nellie our new manager?

This is an odd situation.

But it's very interesting how it's playing out.

We live in this world of routines and rhythms.

Kevin ate someone's lunch, Phyllis has a new necklace.

Who is this woman?

I came in here simply trying to get to know you,

learn your names,

maybe have someone teach me the company song.

And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect.

You leave me no choice

but to get to know you in a more intimate way.

- Hot tub party? - Performance reviews.

How can you give us performance reviews

if you don't know us?

On first impressions, so I recommend smiling.

It goes a long way with me.

Irene, this house is lovely.

Okay.

I really, really like it. Did you decorate it yourself?

You really like it?

Because everything's for sale on eBay.

I'll send you a link.

I would love that.

Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.

Oh, thanks. I've been reusing the hot dog water

so it gets more flavor.

It's only going to keep getting better.

So, Glenn, how did you meet Erin?

Came home one day, there she was.

Glenn said he might take me

to a Florida State football game.

Mm, didn't say "football."

Hope you like women's lacrosse.

Anybody got something for me to read?

I'm not really feeling this conversation.

Uh...

I actually have this map of South Carolina.

I don't know if you're into that, but...

No crap.

Charleston's not the capital.

Ah, it's Columbia.

Erin is an expert on state capitals.

- What's the capital of Texas? - The Alamo.

Wow. I didn't even know that.

It's Austin.

They have a wonderful music scene.

Mm...

pretty sure it's the Alamo if Erin said it's the Alamo.

- Well, but it might be Austin. - Mm.

So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend

Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?

Well, we're not really dating anymore, so...

Basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few "T"s

and dot a few "I"s, you know.

So you came to get me,

but you still have a girlfriend.

I think you should leave, young man.

All right, technically, yes,

I am still technically dating Jessica.

But when I realized that I wanted you back,

I just jumped in the car, and I drove down here,

and I didn't want to stop until I saw you.

You didn't even stop to pee? Gross.

Irene knows all about Jessica,

which means that Erin has been talking about me a lot.

Does that sound like someone who's moved on?

Mm...

Do you even want dessert,

or are you still doing South Beach?

I never told her I was doing South Beach.

Um, I'll have some lettuce and pistachios, thank you.

Guys...

we cannot do these performance reviews, okay?

If we go into them,

you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager.

And trust me, you do not want her as your manager.

Trust you?

The way Pam trusted you

to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work?

I like working here.

Dwight, should she be our manager?

I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.

Those who can't farm farm celery.

When was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever?

All right, let's get going.

First up, it is the woman

with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet--

- Phyllis. - Oh.

Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable

being evaluated by someone I don't know.

Oh. Oh, okay, I understand.

Let me show you how these are gonna go.

Dwight.

I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect.

I lost respect for you in Florida.

If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever,

or worse--Florida.

Dwight, I have completed your evaluation.

- You're getting a raise. - What?

Dwight, you carry this company

on your massive shoulders.

You are our Atlas.

And for that, do you not think you deserve a raise?

There's no limit to what I think I deserve.

- Then you accept it? - 5%, no less.

Absolutely not. 7%.

- 6%. I know my worth. - Raise isn't real.

Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.

So, Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game,

do you care to have a go?

I'm fairly certain you're gonna like it.

Phyllis.

Pam.

So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

The way you conquered your fear and came in here,

and now the way you sit there...

all very impressive.

- Any luck? - No.

He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.

- * Please leave *

* A message for Andy Bernard *

* Include your name and number *

* If it's not too hard *

All right, we get it.

- * Please-- *

Robert, um...

are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?

I am not. Huh.

Yeah.

She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.

Let me guess, you want one too?

Take the family to "Disneytown"?

Land. World.

Uh, it's not that I don't want a--

Well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise.

That's not what I'm saying. That's not--sorry.

Jim, I told Andy to come in,

and yet, he is still not in.

By contrast,

Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it.

To make no mention of her business experience

or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.

- Yes. - Jim, would you prefer

a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?

Oh, God, nature, please.

When two animals are having sex,

one of them...

Is communicating a message to the other.

Nothing is mutua-- This isn't very helpful.

You're going to want to hear the sexual metaphor.

Was that not the--

All life is sex.

And all sex is competition.

Mm-hmm.

And there are no rules to that game.

That wasn't so perverted, now, was it?

Is that it? No, that wasn't bad.

My point is,

there is one person in charge of every office in America,

and that person is Charles Darwin.

In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is?

No. I would've said no.

Oh, you're doing so good.

Oh, my God, you're Superman over there.

You should take it.

It's probably your girlfriend, wondering where you are.

Nope, it's just work. Not important.

You know, I can really feel this in my quads.

I can tell I'm getting stronger.

You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results

- after one session. - I don't know.

Just let it vibrate. It's fine.

- You could put it on silent. - I don't think it does that.

Just go to preferences, then click--

Proctology.

- Andy?

- Jim? - Andy, where are you?

Uh, I'm--I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day.

I got the--I got the serious poops, man.

He's here in Tallahassee,

trying to turn my life upside down.

- What? You're in Florida?

Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job.

What do you mean, take my job?

- Like, set up camp in your office

and is calling herself the manager.

- Who was that, by the way? - My grandmother Irene.

- Who are you? - Dr. Butt.

Okay...

Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me,

but I'm not coming home without Erin.

So I'll talk to you later.

Shall we pump some rubber?

One, two...

Mm, yeah, feel the burn.

Okay, so this is up to us.

Well, I can't imagine we're the only ones

who want to stand up for Andy.

You like apples?

'Cause I just got a raise.

How do you like them raises?

Mm, let's see, review, review, review.

Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.

Oh, great.

All right, I'll take the severance package.

No, I am offering you a raise.

No?

You know what?

The first thing I'm gonna do with my raise--

I'm going out and getting you laid.

Do you like Indian guys-- Cherokee, Navajo, Pequot?

Or do you more prefer the Plains Indians--

Sioux, Comanche, Dakota?

Huh? Huh?

You should be paid more!

Huh?

You should be paid more!

- I should? - Yes!

Ah.

What time?

Andy, you can't lose your job.

See, when you say those things, Erin,

it makes me think you care about me.

It's just-- You have to go back.

Now I think you care about me a lot.

Okay, fine, then stay.

So the only reason I'm watching "Dr. Oz" on mute

is because you guys said you're doing physical therapy.

- I mean, if you're not-- - Glenny, shush.

Nana, I want to watch this.

I mean, this guy can't stop drinking soda, all right?

I want to hear. I love soda. I'd like to drink less.

Erin, some things are more important than work, like love.

You'd sacrifice your job?

In Tallahassee, those are very hard to come by.

Glenn has never even had a job.

I'm not gonna do something I don't love.

I mean, if we go in there and take these raises,

what are we saying?

That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job?

Shouldn't work like that.

No, you know what? Nellie's right.

That is exactly how it should work.

Darryl, this office is mine now.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Yes.

Sorry, too late. I'm here.

This is mine. Back off.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Well fought. I accept the outcome.

Touch me, and I'll sue.

I've heard that's amazing when it works.

- Yeah, if I had my own-- - Andy, I care about you.

And I think--

- Sorry, you go. - No, go ahead.

Well, I was just going to say that,

if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs

that are spitting into each other's mouths.

It's just stupid. What were you going to say?

Andy, you broke my heart.

Do you know what it feels like

to be constantly rejected by you

and to have to watch you date someone else?

You broke my heart, too.

You broke my heart more recently and more often.

And I think, at some point, in my head,

it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be.

I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other

at the same time.

I know.

Later.

So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review,

not by telling you what you lack,

but rather, asking you what it is you want.

Really?

Okay, well, um, I like consistency

in the manager's position, no weird silent coups.

Stuff like that. I'm easy.

That's not really what you want.

What you want is a good night's sleep,

working mother of two.

Whoa, that's kind of condescending.

Would you say something like that to Jim?

Does Jim have to breastfeed?

Did Jim carry around those babies for--

what is it? 12 months?

Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?

Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't

is because I'm breastfeeding,

and Phillip doesn't like a bottle.

You must be exhausted.

Fancy a nap?

No.

Go on. Have a nap.

Lie down right here.

There's a blanket in here.

I used it earlier myself.

Dreamt I could breathe underwater

like Jacques Cousteau.

No one will know.

I'll wake you up.

And when you wake up, you will earn more money.

I think... you're a witch.

I think you're amazing.

You know that, right?

Go on, say it-- "I'm amazing."

I'm amazing.

Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now.

- Andy is a nice boy. - Really?

'Cause you've been kind of a "B" to him all afternoon.

I was protecting you,

because I thought he was no good.

But I can tell you really like him.

And he's willing to lose his job for you

in this economy, with Europe on the brink--

Irene, what would you do without me?

We're not your concern, sweetheart.

Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot.

Why?

He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.

I want to hear you say it, Darryl.

Say "I am amazing."

I think that would make me feel uncomfortable.

But you are amazing.

Excuse me, I--

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm stepping out for a coffee.

Can I get you anything, anything at all?

Yeah, I would love a coffee.

- Nellie? - No, thank you.

- You sure? - Positive.

Okay.

Ooh...

it's actually much later than I thought.

If I have a coffee now, I'll never get to sleep.

- Another time. - Mm-hmm.

What was I saying?

I'm amazing.

Did you see that?

Canceled a coffee run 'cause she wasn't interested.

That's not Darwin. That's Don Juan.

This thing is over.

Sorry, Andy.

Jim, time for your review.

No, it's not, because you don't really work here.

Why are you so staunchly defending

your friend who has abandoned you?

Wouldn't you rather come talk with me?

Maybe definitely get a raise?

See, that's the thing--

I don't know if you can even give raises.

Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinker Bell?

- Yes. - I'm Tinker Bell.

- No. - Mm-hmm.

I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office

to bring a little bit of magic into your lives,

to give you all raises.

And we are grateful.

But here's the thing about Tinker Bell, Jim.

Everyone has to believe in her,

or she doesn't exist.

- She dies. - She dies!

Now, who here...

believes in Tinker Bell?

Let's see it. Show of hands.

- I do. - Oh!

Come on, everyone.

All right, guys, stop.

- I already spent the money. - How?

Come on, Jim, you're killing her.

We believe! We believe!

Look at this wonderful recognition

of Nellie's leadership.

I believe!

That did not go how I wanted it to.

Ugh.

I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food

for the drive back, eggplant parm.

It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it.

Andy, wait! Andy!

Andy, wait! Andy, don't go!

Andy, I love you! Stop!

Oh, this is the wrong Prius.

I don't love you.

- Erin! - I'm sorry.

Andy.

Let's get out of here.

- Okay. - Let's go.

Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.

No, I don't have any stuff.

Like, your toothbrush and stuff.

- I don't have one. - You don't have a toothbrush?

No.

How do you not have a toothbrush?

I just-- there's always one around.

You just use whichever one's sitting there?

I always find one.

Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?

Of course. I own my toothbrush.

I grew up poor.

I had little formal education,

no real skills.

I don't work especially hard,

and most of my ideas are either unoriginal

or total crap.

And yet, I walked right into a job

for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited,

and somebody else already had,

and I got it.

If you ask me, that's the American Dream right there.

Anything can happen to anyone.

It's just random.