Original subtitles

Oscar, thank you so much for coming in.

I need you to talk with my maid.

Just, please. Her name is Teresa.

Say, "Hello, this is Oscar, Andy's friend. How are you?"

- She's fine. - How are the kids?

Ah.

The five-year-old is taking swimming lessons.

And the ten-year-old has braces.

- Oh. - It's kind of cute.

Tell her, "Thanks for all the hard work,

but it's not working out."

I'm not firing your maid, Andy.

I would totally fire your English-speaking maid for you.

Hi, Teresa.

She wants to know why.

It's not unothing or dosthings.

It's, like, diezthings.

She shrunk my cashmere sweater.

She puts the peanut butter in the fridge,

so it's, like, impossible to spread.

She said she'll do better.

I've already moved on mentally.

Just tell her that I hired someone else.

- She wants to know who? - Uh, tell her that it's you.

Say it.

Teresa, hi.

Ah, man.

That is the hardest part of my job.

Oh, she still has my keys.

Oscar! Oscar!

* *

- Today is the test launch day

for the inaugural Sabre Store.

* Brr brr brr brr brr *

And I, Dwight Schrute,

am in charge of the entire operation.

If I can prove myself today

and the store is a hit with the media

and Nellie sees this,

the vice presidency is mine.

- Are you holding this chair? Yes.

- 'Cause I feel like I'm gonna fall off.

- Yes. Yes. I'm not wearing

- the right shoes for this. We went over this, okay?

Your tiny fingers make the best knots.

Don't be a baby.

In my entire life, I have only had a few dreams.

One is to maintain

a family-run, working inorganic beet farm.

Check.

- Two is to rise up-- Aah!

I told you I was gonna fall! I think I sprained my ankle.

- Okay, you're more embarrassed than hurt.

- No, I'm hurt and not embarrassed, actually.

- We'll buy you a crepe, come on, come on.

- All right. All right.

Crepe break.

Hey, strangers.

So stoked for the Sabre Store opening.

Hey, my name's Tabitha.

I'm camped out in front of the Sabre Store

so I can be first in line for the new pyramid.

Psst. It's me, Erin.

Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype,

and it's working.

There's already people camped out behind me.

Good morning, everyone.

- Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning.

- Don't care. Tell me later. Listen, it's important.

You got to hear this.

- What do you got? Oh, my God.

- Do you have a black eye? Yes, I do, Phyllis.

- I woke up at 4:00 a.m. by accident,

in time for the paper to be delivered.

Guess what.

It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.

Andy, who punched you?

Yeah, he was just driving

right down the middle of the street,

throwing papers out of both windows,

like he didn't care.

- Andy, are you in a fight club?

- I own the DVD, actually. It's funny you should ask.

I have the--I have the box,

but I can't find the DVD-- it's somewhere.

Hey, I was on the can.

What's this about a black guy in the office?

Black eye, Meredith.

- Will someone please explain what's going on here?

Since the interesting thing happened till now,

so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.

Here's what happened.

Pam and I were arriving for the day,

and there was a gang in the parking lot

on bikes, on--on motorcycles.

And they just were hassling Pam...

- That's true. - They had, uh...

- Weapons. - Weapons.

- I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.

- But these were not the kind of people who use their words.

- Punches were going, and I ducked a few,

landed a couple, and I was fighting them off.

It was totally, like-- like, senseless crime.

- Thank goodness he was there. Good job, Andy.

- Hey, I'm no hero.

I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

A line formed already,

and the store doesn't even open for an hour.

I hope there's no trampling.

The last thing we need is someone trampled to death.

Can you imagine...

all over the news?

Test launch day, people.

I don't know about you, but I went to church

- to pray today this morning. - Oh, my God.

We have so much in common. I was there as well.

Did you? Which church did you go to? I went.

It was--it was one that was predominantly Latino.

You've never heard of it.

I went to a Latino church, too.

Which one did you go to?

La Iglesia de Dios y Jesús y María y José.

Y José, that's the one I went to.

Yes. What pew were you in?

Jim, you were not there, because I just made it all up.

- But I was there. - I don't care.

It doesn't matter. I've moved on.

I didn't really go to church today.

I just said that for effect, all right?

Now, I would like to fill you in

on a little secret about me to inspire you today.

Now, I know you probably all think

I'm this patrician goddess.

But here's the truth.

I was born in the little working-class town of Basildon,

and until the age of 32...

I talked like this,

which was bloody horrendous, innit?

I came from dirt--

No, lower than...

What's lower than dirt?

Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.

Yeah, thank you. Loam.

Bloody loam, I came from.

I hit rock bottom.

When I auditioned for the Spice Girls,

I didn't even get a callback.

Which Spice Girl?

The Black one.

I never stood a chance.

Okay.

Now, think about my journey here today,

and let it inspire your journey.

Okay. Nellie, thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Yep.

Today is press day,

and press is gonna make or break this store.

And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing--

bloggers.

Dossier on bloggers.

Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese.

Bloggers have halitosis.

You're gonna love 'em.

So Jim and I had an experience

in his hotel room.

This is so awkward.

We just need to have a conversation to clear the air

and figure out what it is that we both want from this.

You remember that crazy girl in high school?

Well, imagine if she went to college and majored in crazy,

and then she went and worked real hard

to get her doctorate in bonkers,

and then after her internship at the loony bin

ended up working at the desk next to yours.

And her name's Cathy.

Well, that's Cathy.

Ryan is going to be the main event today.

He is the pitchman who is going to give

the feisty, yet profound speech

worthy of a world's fair.

Ryan, you ready to do this?

When people see this presentation,

they're gonna In their pants.

- Okay. - Come on, man.

Seriously disgusting.

Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.

Ugh. Kill me.

That was my idea.

Packer, you will be the sexual predator

who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls

who are obsessed with the pyramid.

- Uh... - Uh...

that is excellent.

I don't see what that gets us, but I'm a team player.

Perfect casting, right?

Schrute's out to get me.

But I'm playing the long game.

As soon as he messes up,

I swoop in like a sexual predator.

Erin, you will be the disaffected hipster

who has learned to give a damn because of the pyramid.

And, Stanley, I'm gonna need you to pretend to be

renowned singer-songwriter Lenny Kravitz.

- Oh. - Jim.

Stanley looks nothing like Lenny Kravitz.

Jim, must you undermine every single little--

This is Lenny Kravitz.

Oh, dear God.

People say I look like John Legend.

Okay, can I say something here?

I know it's not my place, but I have a suggestion--

oh, go ahead, little girl. Find your voice.

I would believe that he's Al Roker's brother.

Done. Perfect lookalike.

Thank you.

If I'm gonna be someone's brother, how about John Legend?

Okay, has anyone been part of an opening before?

There is a chance

today could be total chaos...

if we get everything right.

We need people to believe anything is possible.

The square is a very entrenched form.

I want to create a sense of wonder

and enthusiasm

as if, at the end of "E.T.", candy poured out of the screen.

Do you understand?

I want to get goose pimples.

Speaking of pimples,

let's release the bloggers!

How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here?

We should call the police right now!

- No! - Yes!

No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police.

They'll just ask everybody questions,

get up in everyone's business, right, Pam?

Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.

And my eye will heal, but if the police come,

then we will forever stain our neighborhood

as a troubled area.

Why would you care

what the police think of our neighborhood?

Because Ihave neighborhood pride.

1-8-5-0-5.

- 1-8-5-0-5. - Guys, guys.

That's so vague.

You got to do the zip plus 4.

1-8-5-0-5...

dash 7-4-2-7!

Look, I don't feel safe.

I think we should call the police.

Exactly. We need to feel safe,

which is why...

Toby is teaching us self-defense.

Me?

Toby, will you teach us self-defense?

Yeah. Um...I can't believe you remembered

I do self-defense.

Um, I'll go put on my cup.

Great.

Open the gates!

There's plenty for everyone. No need to panic.

- There's plenty for everyone! - Quit it!

There's plenty! Don't stampede.

No need to stampede, sir.

- I was ahead of you! - Okay, okay, hey, hey!

It's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be fine. There's plenty of pyramids.

Come on. I was in line before you.

So you're a blogger, right?

Yeah. Blogger.

God, stay away.

Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers.

I'm trying to be a good girl for once.

Uh, yeah, I already bought my pyramid,

but I don't want to leave yet.

I haven't had so much fun since seeing...

Zoo-ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla Music Festival.

So fun.

- Yes! - Okay.

I wasn't sure which one of you was Chuck!

Yeah, no, it seems to be going great.

Andy got beat up by a fifth-grade girl?

Look at that guy.

He's got his Sabre phone on, and he's not even using it.

This is a perfect photo for my "Daily Fail" blog.

Uh, I-I got to go. Okay.

Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.

Oh, no, no, no. It's good.

It's really--on the Internet, it's a really--

that's a really good, good thing.

Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?

I'm very sorry.

We gave you an Arrowhead for free

for the day.

How hard would it have been

to do this, hmm?

"Hello. Hi, sweetie. It's Jim.

"I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead,

"which is why my voice is crystal clear,

"and my hand won't ever get tired

because of the ergonomic shape."

I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Maybe pretend to be Chuck?

You could have pretended to be Chuck.

I begged you to pretend to be Chuck,

but you chose to be yourself,

and you can no longer be Chuck!

Surrender the tripack.

You know what you have to do.

Point it towards the store, idiot!

You know what I mean?

One of these buttons is--

Damn it. Take over.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost.

Listen. Excuse me, sir.

Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons

is out behind the bank.

Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by.

Okay. So long. Here we go.

Erin! Psst! Come on!

The elderly suck the life out of the young.

Get them out of here!

- We are closed! Come on. - Nothing to see here.

Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay?

This is about escaping with your life.

So...strike, scream, and run.

All right? Let's try it.

That may have been my fault.

What the hell, Toby?

Okay, look, in a real crisis situation,

you're not gonna have time to think, okay?

So just remember, I-A-A-T-G.

"It's all about the groin."

- How about just G for "groin"? - Or just "groin"?

I-A-A-T-G, okay? It's not that hard.

What if you're being attacked by a...

smallish man

who happens to not have a groin?

I don't think that's very common.

What if you're being attacked by a 4'11" man

who's penis-less?

Why are you fixated

on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?

Why don't we start with the basics?

Show us how to defend ourself against a baby

and then, like, a fifth-grade girl,

and then, you know, if we have time,

on up to a scary man.

Well, the most common scenario

is a larger man attacking a smaller female.

So, in that scenario,

what if the victim

sucker-punches the attacker in the face?

What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?

It's interesting that you're drawn

to the point of view of the attacker.

You would like "The Turn of the Table."

Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel...

Based from the point of view

of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.

Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.

All right, well, let's try one simple technique together.

Why doesn't everyone stand? Okay, so...

you're being attacked. You got your hands up.

Simple palm strike to the chin.

Up to the chin. One, two.

all: One, two.

- One, two. - Take that, kid.

What's interesting is, Al used to hate the weather.

Hated it. He'd break any thermostat he say.

You say you're a Roker?

Yeah. Matt Roker. Nice to meet you.

I happen to know

that Al Roker's brother's name is Chris.

I'm the one they don't talk about--

the joker Roker.

Ah, fine. I'm not a Roker.

I'm just trying to cover up for the fact

that I'm Raven-Symoné's father--Toucan-Symoné.

You know Raven can bench her own weight?

That girl has always been the strongest one in the family.

Mom, you came--

I'm sorry. I thought you were somebody else.

I really miss Scranton.

Ah. Every night here I get drunk, and I watch porn.

And for some reason,

I just don't enjoy it the way I did in Scranton.

Cathy, I would like to introduce you

to Fatty Gruesome.

He is a freelancer for "WIRED" magazine.

Patty Grossman. I'm a woman.

But you still work for "WIRED," right?

- Yes. - Good!

Okay. Flirt away.

Sorry about kicking you out.

It's just we don't want our brand associated with death.

It's okay. I'll go to the Costco

and search for handsome men.

You're not married yet?

Oh, I was.

My husband was my best friend.

He passed away.

My best friend was my boss Andy.

We dated for a while,

but since then, he rejected me, and we're not really friends.

Someone rejected you?

With that body and those bazongas?

Forget him!

Yeah! Forget him!

And you should forget your husband.

Well...

Sabre.

It's time to come home.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I think...

it seemed like you were a little nervous.

Yeah, no, Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me

something encouraging about this presentation

before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?

I know, I know, champ, just calm down,

because listen...

when you're out in front of all those people...

- Yeah, what? - You just need to realize...

- Yeah. - So much rides on this.

- You have no idea. - Dwight.

I'm trying to make him feel important.

God. I wish Kelly were here.

She always knew what to say.

Um...

Oh, Ryan, you're so smart.

You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg

and those Google guys all combined.

- Hee hee hee. - You're so ignorant.

You barely know what you're talking about.

That's so ridiculous.

You really need to read a couple books.

What's a book?

Oh, my God. You're so embarrassing.

My mom would say the best stuff, though.

You can...

You can do it, Ryan.

And you know that I'm capable of this.

You're the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.

What did you think of the presentation?

I thought it was great, sweetie.

I would just fix that one--

Oh, "fix" means you hate it! I knew it!

- I need something to drink! - Jim, get him a water.

No, not a water. A sports drink.

I hate everything in that fridge.

Not red--get me something yellow or green

from a nearby store.

- Okay. - Not red!

Why are you just standing there?

Go to a nearby store

and get him a yellow or green sports drink!

Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse,

you better stop playing dead right away

and just make it known that you're alive.

Forgive me for interrupting.

I believe my daughter

had an altercation with somebody here,

some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?

I think you guys might have the wrong office.

That's him... the guy I hit.

- What? - You got to be kidding me.

Poor Andy!

First you got beat up by a gang,

- and now she kicks your ass? - No, Kevin--

What about the lady you hit with a pine cone?

There. That chubby one.

I just had a baby.

- Yesterday? - Wow.

Apologize.

Sorry I kicked your ass

in front of your "thin" girlfriend.

How 'bout we wait till next year

after you have your kid?

You know what? Tiffy's going to college.

Listen, I don't know

what you guys are talking about,

but I guess I'll just accept your apology

so we can get on with our day.

Sorry I punched you.

And I promise I'll take it off Facebook.

It's on Facebook?

There we go. God bless.

Friend of mine uses your paper.

You do good work.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

So, Toby, I think we should do a different

self-defense seminar--

"how to protect ourselves against tiny little girls."

There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl.

My ex-wife used to demolish me.

No, there is shame in it, okay?

We have to draw the line somewhere.

Oh, my God, I think I see the imprint of a Ring Pop.

Oh...

- Hey. - Hey.

How's it going?

Ah, I always do well with nerds.

Yeah.

So a little birdy told me you're kind of a nympho.

Look, don't feel bad 'cause Jim rejected you.

That dude's queer for his wife.

I'll pound you no questions asked.

Okay, ew.

Think about it.

Thai food.

Have you seen Erin?

I'm on break.

Oh, God! No, hey, bloggers,

where do you think you're going?

No, no, no, you got to stay for the big presentation.

We got this young whiz kid--Ryan.

He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates.

When's the presentation?

It's moments away. Just stay here!

Hey, Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew Ryan.

Honestly, I could use a prescription

for Ritalin right now.

Well, I know you did one for Aunt carol.

Oh, so it's different because it's your wife?

Well, that doesn't make any sense to me.

- How you doing? - Don't talk to me right now.

I'm sorry, I know you're my boss,

but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face.

What I don't understand is why...

Your little man is unraveling.

Now, go and fix it.

It's been a tough couple months.

My roommate moved in with her boyfriend.

Whoa.

Drama.

I can't afford my condo anymore.

Alone, it's a fortune.

If you don't mind me asking, how much was her rent?

$80 a month.

- What? - I know.

Highway robbery.

And you can't bolt the door unless you're Jack LaLanne.

I can't sleep, I'm so worried.

How long has he been in the bathroom?

- Like, ten minutes. - Jeez!

What's he doing in there?

Oop, that's my phone. Am I allowed to answer it,

- or are you gonna freak out? - Are there bloggers around?

It's Ryan. "I'm sorry. I lied.

"I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it.

I need to see my mom. I'm going home."

What is the delay here?

Where's Ryan?

Why is he not here?

I had to send him home.

As brilliant and creative as he is,

he is nothing...

- compared to this guy! - Uh...

- What? - That's right.

Will you just give us a second?

You are gonna bloody ruin it.

You're gonna bloody ruin it because you're a no-good,

- half-ass, cockeyed... - Okay.

- That's-- - Jim--

I'm not doing the presentation.

Look at me. Look at me!

Look...at...this...face.

This is not the face of a performer.

This is the face of a scary apparition

you see before you die.

I'm telling you... if you don't do this...

I don't stand a chance.

Please, Jim.

Okay. I'll do it.

Oh, my God.

O...kay!

Go get into Ryan's costume and check out his notes.

- A costume? - Of course there's a costume!

Oh, this is gonna be great.

There's nothing like some last-minute changes

to really energize a presentation.

Huh?

Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long?

I've been in here for 20 seconds.

Hurry up. Let me in.

I want to watch you get dressed.

Did you find the eyeliner?

I'm not wearing eyeliner.

You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.

* *

Time. Space.

Gender.

There are no rules anymore.

All boundaries are breaking down

in the wake of the infinite future.

The only thing that--

the only thing that remain--

the only thing that remains are the things

that have stood the test of time--

love, values,

and, of course, the pyramids--

the strongest shape ever constructed,

a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it.

No, that--

It's true.

This...is the future,

because...

this is the past.

I've been through a lot of issues in my life.

I've seen drug addict--

unemployment.

I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart

without ever being able to accept

that love drove the pain.

Yep.

When I was ten years old,

my parents took me to Disney World.

I cried the whole time.

I was not able to comprehend

the beauty that was before me.

I just wanted... to go home.

This is what the pyramid will do for you.

It is the bridge to the world.

It has a USB port.

Wireless...

will be available in 2013.

You can play anything,

from "Chuck" to "Cars 2."

With the pyramid,

you have the connection to everything,

in time...

and space.

crowd: Oh!

Psst!

Oh.

* *

Ryan: Sabre.

It's time... to come home.

All right.

Thank you so much. Wow.

Wow!

And good night.

Yeah.

No. No, I am not a performer.

No.

My mom always did say that I was pretty funny

'cause I used to do these impress--

No.

Okay, this isn't over. Let's stay focused, okay?

We made fun of Andy earlier

for getting beat up by a little girl,

but...little things can be dangerous.

Whether it's a Gremlin

or Chucky the Doll--

the key is to throw it in something,

like a fireplace

or a tub of electricity.

Okay, good point. Um...

Good point? What is a tub of electricity?

- I don't--I don't-- - With all due respect,

we know what we're defending against.

It's a 12-year-old female bully.

- I was a 12-year-old bully. - Great!

I think Kelly should attack Toby.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea, actually,

because I have had a lot of pent-up aggression.

- Thanks. - Good. Go.

I don't know if this is gonna help--

Let's go, Kelly.

We should stay to maybe some more traditional models--

You think you're so pretty!

Well, you're not gonna be so pretty come prom time!

Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing.

Take that! Not so pre-violent anymore!

Okay, I'm at what's called "the decision point."

Hey, hey, hey, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly--

Ow!

God! My good eye!

Oh, boy!

Oh, no, I'm not laughing at you.

I'm laughing at, um... something that

Cece did on the playground earlier--yesterday.

This morning.

You know why I got hit by girls?

Because I stood up for others...

Pam and Toby.

I stepped in, and I didn't care

that I was standing up to girls.

You may want to ask yourselves,

"Where were you when the girls came?"

Tough day. Yes. But I feel good.

I put the office in their place,

took a bunch of pain killers, drank half a bottle of wine,

took my pants off.

I just feel good!

Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it.

We could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation.

Dwight...

look at me.

Goose pimples.

Oh--Mm.

"You're the vice president."

You're the vice president.

Ha ha ha ha! Yeah!

Okay!

- Come on! - Aah!

Right on!

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!

Boom!

I've got notes that say all sorts of things.

"Kiss notes," I call them.

"You're hired."

"You're fired."

"Black coffee, no sugar."

"I like your tie."

"You're parked in my spot."

"I like your dress."

"Get out of my office."

Mmm.

Damn it!

I also had one that said

"You're not the vice president."