Original subtitles

* Oh, come let us adore him *

* Oh, come let us adore him *

* Christ the Lord *

Lord-duh. Duh.

Who's Christ the lore? I don't know who that is.

Hey, can I go to the bathroom please?

Yes, of course you can, as soon as we nail these songs.

Okay?

Then you can take the most

celebratory defecation of your life,

but for now, use it.

When I woke up this morning, I said, "Andy,

"keep your expectations in check.

"This is not Here Comes Treble.

This is Dunder Mifflin."

But they suck.

* Rudolph *

* The Red-nosed Reindeer * * Reindeer *

* Had a very shiny nose *

Like a lightbulb!

* And if you ever saw it, saw it *

- Stop, stop. - * You would even say-- *

I love the energy, but the interjections, the echoes,

They're extremely destructive.

- What? - Oh, come on.

- Yeah, it's just-- - Andy.

No, no, no, no, no, they're cheap.

- You're better than that. - But the echoes are funny.

- Like Paula Poundstone! - Zip it, Jim.

Like a sleeping bag!

You just don't know when to stop.

That's what she said!

Okay.

Guys, the call and responses are hilarious.

That's not even a question.

But the song is not funny.

Rudolph was made fun of his entire life,

which is hard enough, but he gave the run of his life

to save Christmas.

He lit the way on that foggy night.

He probably died at the end.

I'm just saying, "he goes down in history"?

Just think about that.

Is it really that hard to envision

what his nose looked like?

You need someone to say, "lightbulb"?

I don't think so.

And why, when the reindeer call him names,

do they say, "Pinocchio"? Ugh, that always irked me.

Pinocchio's nose gets bigger.

It's a totally different handicap.

* As they shouted out *

* With glee *

* Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer *

* You'll go down in history *

Like George Washington!

- What? - What are you doing?

It's not an echo. It's the last line of the song.

- Go to hell, Andy. - Andy, come on.

* *

* Christmas time is here *

Wow, thanks, guys, that sounded amazing.

Hi, I'm Andy Bernard.

And I am the first office Santa ever

to make holiday wishes come true.

For the past month, I have been collecting wishes

from everyone in the office, and I intend to make good

on every single one of them.

Oh, I see.

Now, look, I may not have a great laugh like Santa

or a flying sled, but I'll tell you what I do have.

A Prius, a heart of freaking gold...

- This. - All right, you got it.

And an American Express Green Card.

Who's excited to get their holiday wishes?

- Holiday wishes. - What's that, Stanley?

We know exactly what holiday you're referring to.

- It is important to be mindful

of all belief systems at our holiday party.

I've been here 18 years,

and have suffered through some weird, thematic Christmases.

A Honolulu Christmas, a "Pulp Fiction" Christmas,

a Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas,

Mo Rocca Christmas. I don't want it.

Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas.

Hear you loud and clear.

- I don't want no Kwanzaa wreath.

I don't need a dreidel in my face--

that's its own thing.

And who's that Black Santa for? I don't care.

I know Santa ain't Black. I could care less.

I want Christmas.

Just give me plain baby Jesus lying in a manger Christmas.

- I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday.

Might not have been the best idea.

- How's the juice, Stanley? Good. Phyllis, thank you.

Let's just monitor his sugar levels.

- What is the status on my wish?

Fulfilled.

Brought my bicycle so I can be your designated driver later

in the event that you drink too much,

which is by no means required.

- I just hope you bought a bunch of old towels.

- Yeah, and what about my wish that we don't have

to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?

- That I cannot do, but I did get you

an acre of property on the moon.

- Where, dark side or light side?

Light side.

- Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?

- As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent.

- Beachfront. Thank you, Andy.

- So whose wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish?

- Andy, come on. The real Santa?

That's not possible, right?

My biggest wish is that

you all get along well with Jessica.

Come on, guys, Jessica.

Jim, tell them who Jessica is.

She's not your grandmother, is she?

Ugh, Gam Gam's name is Ruth, Jim.

You should know.

I introduced you on speaker phone that time.

Yeah.

Jessica is my super serious girlfriend

who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy.

Only thing that's not serious, by the way, our repartee.

Hey, what's up, Dewey Jessimal system?

Not much, Nardy By Nature.

That's great. When you know, you know.

Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man?

Totally out of your league.

So, in summation, ho ho ho,

please be nice to Jessica, and mistletoe

is not an excuse for sexual assault.

And don't go near Gam Gam.

I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet.

It's like, we don't even need to meet, you know?

I already love you. Stay home.

I just want you to know

that I will be mean to Jessica, if you want me to be.

Oh, no, no, it's fine, Kelly.

It's really no problem.

I was already planning on being mean to her.

That's okay, I don't want you to do that.

Got it, so I will just see how I feel in the moment

- and just play it by ear. - No.

You don't come in here at our Christmas party

and start dating the guy who my friend used to date

two years ago for three weeks.

Hello.

Merry Christmas, Erin.

- Kelly, happy Pancha Ganapati. - Ew, what is that?

The five day Hindu celebration in December,

honoring the God Ganesh, patron of the arts.

Cool.

- Hey, man. - Hey, oh!

How you holding up?

Because of your wife leaving you.

Kevin.

I actually appreciate the human intimacy.

I feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.

Yeah.

It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse.

Well, you came to the right place.

Ah.

It--this party will cheer you right up.

I hope so.

The corporate party was wretched.

I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas.

It's rock and roll for people who don't like rock and roll.

It's rap for people who don't like rap.

It's pop for people who don't like pop.

Ah, heartbreaking.

Oh, thank you.

Now, where can I get a drink? Oh.

Oh, well, we thought we wouldn't put the alcohol out

until 11:00 a.m. Just common decency.

Par for the course. Par for the freaking course.

I'll be in the party room having a cookie until 11:00.

Yule log.

Not destroyed, no.

Not destructive quite.

Off-kilter, sure.

But that's too vague.

Erratic, darkly erratic.

That's my mood.

Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off

and put on my hard ass hat,

but...this is serious.

It's come to my attention that

somebody who shall remain nameless

wants to switch desk clumps.

Fine with me.

Jim can leave any time he wants.

- Good-bye. - Wasn't me.

It wasn't either of you.

Kathy wants to leave our clump?

Don't look.

Who it was is not important,

but she did say that your constant pranking

and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy.

She or he.

I just want to say this is not my fault.

Okay, the weak always bully the strong,

contrary to what you see in the media.

I am always acting in self-defense.

Occasionally preemptive self-defense.

- Ow, what are you doing? - Hey! Hey!

Respect the hat.

Pam never seemed to have a problem with us.

All right.

I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand:

Monet.

- What was it? - What is?

Money.

You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way.

If I catch either of you messing with the other,

I will give both bonuses to the other person.

- Can't do that. - No, absolutely not.

You need consequences.

Okay, I want you both walking on eggshells.

Not actual eggshells, obviously.

That would be another prank.

Pretty good prank actually,

if you think about it.

Nice clump.

Closer to the bathroom, huh?

Hi, I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy.

Jessica, yes. We don't say hi.

We hug.

I'm Erin.

- I--oof. - Sorry.

I hope you feel really welcome.

- We all want you here. - Oh.

My ex is meeting my sex,

which is always scary.

You know? And not just because

you think they might talk about your penis.

That's just part of it.

Hey! Jess, Erin.

I hope you're not talking about my penis.

- Oh. - Hi.

- Hi. - Mwah.

Hey, everyone, I want you to meet Jessica.

She is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr.

Wow.

Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist.

Oh, that's great.

Backbone of the office.

Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess.

- What? - Oh.

Scoliosis.

Had to wear a back brace for three years,

but I never did.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, it's kicking in.

- Spontaneous...scoliosis. - Spontaneous scoliosis.

Oh.

This thing could take your arm off,

your head off.

You know, just exercise caution.

- Thank you. - All right.

All right.

Oh, yeah, and, um...

there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight

I wanted to tell you about.

Isn't that just for popsicles?

- Popsicles? - Yeah, like, upstairs people.

'Cause you got a stick up your butt.

Ah, see, I thought it was because they're all so rich,

they could eat popsicles all the time.

What?

I-- in my--

Well, you should definitely come.

The foreman always comes.

Plus it's fun, you know, cookies, smoked fish,

alcohol, people acting stupid.

You had me at "clookies."

I can't wait to find out what they are.

What should I wear?

Oh, it's nice. It's real nice.

People get dressed up.

I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.

Ah...

I'm gonna s--

Dwight really wants my bonus.

He's trying to entrap me.

Oh, God, now I can't drink at this thing.

I get really pranky when I drink.

- Cheers, Oscar. - Thank you.

Tip jar.

I thought it would be a hoot.

Oh, you don't--

- Okay. - It's very funny.

Once again, Robert, incredible gin and tonic.

- Mm. - Total gin-gasm right now.

Mm.

- Oh, no, no, no, you don't-- - Yep.

- Wow. - You earned it.

Is it the gin, is it the tonic, or is it the man?

Gabe, I suspect it's the components

because no love went into making that.

It's just two fluids carelessly combined.

But cheers.

Erin, what can I get for you?

Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland, if you have it.

Why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola

when you can get some from the kitchen?

Did some small part of you

want something a little stronger?

Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar,

come and take these shots.

- Oh. - Yes.

Will do.

The fifth one is for you, Erin.

You can take it or leave it.

To take it would be to accept

that you're at a party and you're an adult woman

with an adventurous spirit.

To leave it would be fine too.

- One, two, three. - Yes.

Okay.

- Mm. - Whoa.

- Hey, hey, nice. - Whoo!

Jiminy Christmas!

Jiminy Christmas, indeed.

- Hit 'er up. - Oh, yes.

- Whoo! - Yeah.

Wow.

Uh, yeah, I just got my replacement credit card.

Do you want the nu-- oh, it's 4-7-9-3

0-0-3-2-3-3-1-3.

The security code is 927.

Okay, great, thank you very much.

Bye.

So Dwight did take the bait.

He used my credit card numbers

to send a $200 bouquet of flowers...

to my wife.

From me.

You wanna know what the card said?

It said, "Let's make another baby."

Boom!

Look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed--

whoa, hello.

* *

I meant dressed up compared to normal.

You usually dress like a Ghostbuster.

Okay.

I thought you'd wear a sweater.

Since when does a sweater mean "dressed up"?

Am I your grandson?

Gotta say, Darryl, this party,

so much more than I expected, and I expected the moon.

Um, now, the stuff on people's desks,

is that up for grabs?

Come on, stay, all right?

It's good for people to get to know you.

As a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars" maybe.

Now, like, the cookie, yeah, I can have that, duh,

but the picture of the nice couple,

I could really use this in my garage.

Could you excuse us for a moment?

Huh?

Could you excuse us for a moment?

You got it.

I want my sugar-free cookie,

and then I want a sugar cookie.

And then I want my nap.

That's right.

Thank you.

She is remarkable.

- Edgy impressions. - Thank you.

How many drinks have you had tonight?

I can't be driving everybody home.

- A thousand. - Whoa!

Maybe you should take a break.

Maybe you should mind your own business.

Just kidding.

Ryan, for your holiday wish, you wanted ten sick days.

I'd be satisfied with eight.

- Well, I did you one better. - Nine?

- I got you health insurance. - Oh, neat.

Yeah, right?

But with great perks come great responsibility,

so I'm gonna be expecting a lot more from you.

No more zoning out in your office.

Ah, oh, great.

Ah, ah, I've been attacked!

Oh, my God.

Oh, someone put a porcupine in my drawer.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk,

and I reached into my drawer

to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder,

and--and all of a sudden,

I was attacked by this bloodthirsty rabid creature.

I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?

Or who in this office knows that I have access

and is trying to set me up?

Hm, you know, this sounds a lot like

the premise of my latest Chad Flenderman novel,

A Murder for Framing.

Chad Flenderman, just an easy-going Black guy

who knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford.

So just as comfortable on a motorcycle

as he is on "Air Force One."

Oh, and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist.

Toby, nobody cares about your sex-crazed Black detective.

No, no, no, no, no, women chase him.

He misses his wife.

Hello, lacerated hand here, folks.

Nice try. This is ridiculous.

Oh, is it really?

Two separate times you have set me up to believe

that I was being recruited by the CIA.

- Three times, actually. - You see?

Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.

Andy, you've got to be kidding me.

Fingerprints can be planted.

You know, with a severed hand--

Do you think that's what happened?

Do you think he used a severed hand?

Okay, you know what, why don't we just

call animal control?

You might want to run that by Angela.

'Cause it's so cute.

No. Porcupines don't have souls.

They're like dogs.

Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin.

We have a very rabid porcupine in our office.

Someone should come pick it up.

Come down right away.

Uh, I don't know, let me ask. Uh, were you quilled?

Yes, I was quilled.

- And what's its name? - Henrietta.

- Oops. - What?

All right. Get her out of here, Dwight.

Serves you right.

Now do your impression of me.

- I don't really have one of you. - Oh, come on now.

Just pretend I'm one of your friends and entertain me.

Okay.

There is no such thing

as transgression anymore.

What is pornography to one person

is "Reader's Digest" to another.

That's why I'm impossible to offend.

That is very, very me.

Do it again.

Or do something else.

* *

Guys, I just wanted to say-- come here.

I am so happy you guys are together.

Okay?

And you both have such beautiful hair.

Thank you.

I hope you guys get married.

And who knows?

Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone.

Okay.

And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss.

Yay.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go do another reverse spit.

That's how the cool kids say "get a drink."

That's, uh, that's the girl you dated?

Um, yeah, she's not really like that.

It's...

No, she--she seems fun.

- Yeah, uh, excuse me. - Okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes?

- Every martini has an olive. - Okay.

Maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something.

I don't want to put you out,

but if someone's making oatmeal,

I'll take an apple cinnamon

and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk.

Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.

- Okay. - It's about you.

That's not what it should be.

It should just be like a trinket or something.

I said I wish Jessica was dead.

You--you mean you wish she wasn't here or something.

I wish she was in a graveyard under the ground

with worms coming out of her mouth.

Hey, you know, you can't say that, okay?

That's my girlfriend that you're talking about.

You and I are not together anymore.

You need to get over it.

Take your wish back.

Too late. It's already been wished.

And you promised it would come true.

You wrote it in an email!

So which one are you, a murderer or a liar?

* *

- Hey... - Hey.

So there was talk of oatmeal.

You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying.

You look like a... a princess.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

I was too embarrassed.

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.

I, uh, just found this on my desk

and need to talk to somebody about it.

Can you believe that?

- Is that Cece? - Yes, it is.

- Oh, man. - That's awful.

- Cece is Jim's daughter. - Oh, my God.

How could somebody do that?

I know. I mean, the way I see it is,

you can deface any picture of me.

Any one. Pick one. Not my kid, though.

Who did this? Who did this?

- Do you know who did this? - I don't...

I know who did this. Dwight.

- Dwight? - Yeah, he did.

- What? No. - He should pay.

He is gonna pay. This is fire-able.

- Okay. - It's--I mean--

Let me just see it one more time.

You know what? I know who my friends are now.

But I shouldn't have got you involved.

Because the truth is,

I don't even really care about this picture.

It's a little out of focus.

It was probably an accident, right? Like...

That's no accident.

Right. You're right.

So maybe it was me who did it.

By accident.

- What? - I'll figure it out.

Get to the bottom of it.

Merry merry.

No, I was just thinking that maybe

this isn't that interesting or relevant, so...

You know, maybe we don't have to show--

we don't have to show it or tell Pam or anything.

Enough of this garbage.

This is Christmas.

* *

Hiya!

* *

Christmas!

You all right, Santa?

You know those movies where two friends

are sleeping together and it's like,

- hey, can they stay friends? - Yes.

Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together

can stay friends?

Two friends who are not sleeping together?

Can they remain friends? Yes, yeah.

No. I--mm, I don't know.

- Okay. - By the way,

I'm not gonna mess with your and Dwight's bonuses.

I think it's causing more problems.

So just be yourselves, have fun,

and try not to let it affect your work.

All right. I will definitely do that.

All right. I'll tell Dwight.

You know what? You're sitting and thinking.

And it's probably better if it comes from me anyway.

Christmas miracles do happen.

Yes, they totally do.

Cake?

You seem a little down.

I am.

I'm a mess.

How about I fix you some warm milk with some bourbon?

Oh, that sounds nice.

Maybe watch a movie under a blanket?

Lovely.

Wait, where is this taking place?

The Murphy bed in my basement.

What is happening to me?

The lines in your haggard face are paths that lead nowhere.

Your hair is the fire of hell.

That's what the dye bottle says.

I sincerely hope you find a sexual partner tonight.

Mm.

Always a wake up call, never the booty call.

You can't click on these Kardashian links.

That's why you have so many viruses.

- Well, help me, okay? - I'm trying, but--

- you need to-- - Kelly.

- Yo. - Game on.

On it.

You just don't want to get too clever with a takedown.

When I was younger, I would overthink a mean comment,

you know, like, kind of get precious with it,

but over time, I realized that, with an insult,

you just want to be simple, direct, mean, relatable,

and then you want to move on.

I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful.

- Awful. - Jessica, did you just fart?

And that is how it's done.

Oh, man, I fell asleep.

Took a nap.

Hey, guys, I feel refreshed now.

- How's it going? - Dwight.

Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk.

I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies.

What's everyone staring at?

Oh, man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something.

Come on, Jim.

I got nothing.

Sorry, guys. Jim, this package came for you.

Do you want me to put it on your desk?

Great, thank you.

I would like another alcohol.

Let's you and I take a walk.

Oscar, you're in charge of the bar.

What? I haven't bartended in forever.

Oh, never considered myself a mixologist.

Oh, this is daunting.

Uh, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler.

Does anyone have any chocolate shavings?

It was 1983.

The East Village was still the East Village,

before Kmart moved in,

and I was a bartender for just a minute,

and then, of course, AIDs ruined everything.

So I got this bucket from Jim's garage,

and I filled it with everything disgusting,

except excrement.

I can't wait to see the look on his face

when that falls on my face.

Damn it, Kathy!

When Michael was manager, he used to talk to me,

and it'd make me feel better.

Your heart is broken.

- So's mine. - And?

And what?

And do you have any advice or anything...

Oh, my God.

To help me feel better?

I've been married thrice,

and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce.

I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice.

Oh.

I was hoping you were going to make me feel better.

- When you do your make-up... - Uh-huh?

How long does it take usually? 'Cause...

Um, it--it depends.

Chad Flenderman's kryptonite...

Whoa, we got a real Clarence Thomas here.

Hi.

- I'll see you at home. - Okay, great.

- Perfect. - Bye.

I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab

and pay for it.

I would, it just-- that wasn't the holiday wish.

Either he drives or I drive,

and now I'm drunk and mad.

- Okay, bye. - Okay, bye.

All right, come on, Meredith.

Bye. Thank you, Santa.

You bet.

Thank God Erin's getting a ride home with Robert,

'cause she is trashed.

And who better to drive her home than Robert?

I mean, what a standup guy, you know?

I mean, he's going through a lot--

separating from his wife,

showing up at the Christmas party in a track suit

and a blazer.

Come on, it's your turn. Come on, come on.

All right, hold on, hold on.

- Come on so I can beat you. - Oh, still my turn.

- Whatever. - Still my turn.

Mm-hmm, got you. I got you.

Mm, your turn. Oh.

- Right, fine. - Mm-hmm.

- Let's go, let's go. - I'm coming, I'm coming.

- I'm coming, I'm coming. - Hang on.

All right.

- Whoa! My stuff! - What? What is all that?

- It's my valuables! - It's junk.

This is my treasures-- no, they're my treasures!

You're a hoarder. My God!

No, I'm not! I'm gonna sell it on eBay!

No, no, no, you be careful.

- Be careful! - Ah! My Santa suit's stuck.

What are we gonna do

with all that bonus money, Henrietta, huh?

Where are we? This ain't my street.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Mmm, this is the posh part of town, huh?

Oh, my God.

Wonder what a studio condo

would cost in this neighborhood.

Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now.

Erin, it was great fun tonight.

Take a few aspirin, drink a whole lot of water,

sleep in in the morning.

Thank you. Good night.

What are you smiling for?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm sure I am not.

Let's get you home.

Ow!

Take it easy!

Whoo.

I've never really been that crazy about Christmas.

I just don't really understand it.

There's so many other holidays that you can really get behind,

sink your teeth into.

Halloween, New Year's, Memorial Day,

but you know what?

This year, I think the spirit of Christmas

is really starting to sink in.

Jim! Oh, Jim!

Damn it! Oh!