Original subtitles

"The Sabre code of conduct outlines

"the governing principles key to establishing

and maintaining trust with our employees, clients..."

Oh, my God. Kill me.

Hey!

All right, obviously we all want to die,

but we have to get through this.

So, Gabe...

go ahead. It's okay.

Oh, is it-- is it okay with you?

Because if it's not, you work for me, so...

"comply with all applicable laws, regulations,

"policies, and contracts governing our business.

- "Be honest, fair... - I'm gonna do it.

"And trustworthy in all your business activities

and relationships..."

Oh! I'm going into labor!

Okay, she's going into labor. Make way, everybody!

I know it's wrong to fake going into labor

just to get out of things, but sometimes it's necessary.

I'm going into labor.

Or should I have corndogs. I mean--

I'm going into labor!

Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood.

- Number one-- - I'm going into labor.

Here we go!

Hey, guys, uh,

can't keep saying you're going into labor.

Everyone knows you're full of it.

- Yeah. - It's not fair, you guys.

- Pitiful. - It's stupid.

Never cry wolf.

- Okay. - Okay.

Oh.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my God! Okay.

I'm really in labor! This is happening.

- Okay, guys. - Okay.

Here we go. We'll see you.

- Oh! - How do you feel?

- Drive carefully! - Good luck!

- Bye! - Good-bye! Good luck!

False alarm.

* *

Ow!

* Everybody beat it *

Don't beat it. Stay where you are.

There you are.

Dillinger Ratnick said their shipment is late.

What'd you say?

- Nothing, I just-- Whoa, what'd you say?

- That it'll be the first shipment out today?

- That is exactly the right thing to say!

Do it! Get 'er done!

Phyllis!

You just married Joe Order.

Your new name is Phyllis Order. Get it?

I don't get it.

Andy, our computer supplier

doesn't want to honor our normal discount.

- Talk him down. I know you can do this.

You were born to do this.

What is your name?

- Cathy-- * Cathy *

Yes!

Jim, in regards to our high five

scheduled for 4 p.m. today,

it has been moved up to now.

We didn't have one scheduled.

What?

They took another client from us?

Okay, bye.

Man! Business is war!

Customers, clients-- it's like a war out there.

I am a leader.

But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this.

So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten,

with a little help from my friend--

America's bloodiest battle.

Why even read business books? We should be studying war.

Going to places like Gettysburg.

- Where is that? It's right here in P.A.

Well, we should take a fieldtrip there.

I mean, that would be so cool.

I wonder if that bus downstairs is--

- Okay, Andy, we get it. It's a trip to Gettysburg.

Good idea. Good idea!

That sounds super inspiring. I'm in!

- Gettysburg? Hmm. Could be interesting.

Second-most northern battle in the Civil War.

- Actually it is thenorthernmost.

Ha!

The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten

about the battle of Schrute Farms.

Whatever. I'm over it.

It's just grossly irresponsible.

Charge!

- Well, this could be fun. I--

- Yeah, well, the bus has free Wi-Fi,

and I made special low-sugar lunches for everyone.

And is anyone kosher or halal?

What's the halal option?

Dates, tabbouleh,

- and a bagel with cream cheese. - Out.

You know, it's the same as the kosher option.

There's a lesson in there.

Isn't Gettysburg, like, 3 hours away?

No, it's, like, 2 hours and 46 minutes.

It's kind of a haul, so we should probably get going.

Uh, before we spend six hours driving to a field,

can I guess a couple of the lessons?

Something about brother versus brother,

something about a house divided.

Lucky guesses. Okay?

But it's so much cooler to learn it there, right?

I mean, I can't force you to go.

You're not my slaves. Thanks to Gettysburg.

But... who's coming with me?

- I'm in. - I'm in too.

Guess I'm a sucker for historical fiction.

And, Tuna, I made a special sandwich for you.

- Guess what kind. - Tuna?

Yes--Tuna of the land. Turkey.

With pesto.

- And to drink? - Water.

Ho-ho, I am in.

I'm excited. I've actually never been to Gettysburg.

My family was gonna go once,

but then my brothers convinced me

that it was full of dead soldier zombies,

so I freaked out, and we turned the car around.

But I'm older now.

I can outrun a zombie.

Anyone who's not going, you're dead to me.

You're uninvited. I don't want you to come.

But, FYI, there will be

leftover turkey and pesto sammies in the fridge.

Yes.

- One for you. - Cool. Thanks.

- And one for you. - Cool. Thanks.

And--oh. You missed your head.

There you go.

Phyllis, think fast.

Getting everyone on the bus, check.

Giving everyone hats, check.

Sexiest Eastern European girls? Uh, check.

All right, guys,

a little foreplay before we do it.

Fans of Ken Burns' Jazz

will most certainly enjoy Civil War.

Ken Burns' Civil War is 50 hours long

and not a single mention of the Battle of Schrute Farms.

Maybe it'll be in his next documentary.

It's about bull.

Whoa!

You know, I just got Limitlesson my iPad.

I bet I could get it on the TV.

Ooh. Isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless?

It's just not appropri-- I mean, if we were going

to visit Bradley Cooper's birthplace,

I'd be the first one suggesting it.

I'd be rooting for it.

all: Limitless! Limitless! Limitless! Limitless!

All right, all right, all right.

Not food and stuff.

Here. Like it?

Oh, if you buy the picnic table,

then you've got to get the fire pit.

I can't get a fire pit. I have two babies.

The fire pit is a no-brainer.

- Oh, hi there. - Plants and--hi, Robert.

Hey, um, how are you doing? Good to see you again.

Where is everyone? Where is Andy?

Andy took some of the other people

on a corporate retreat to Gettysburg.

I see. And the rest of you?

I was working.

I mean, I can't speak for anyone else here,

but I was working.

Well, anyone else here

thought that it was better not to go.

Well, I was hoping to talk out some ideas with Andy.

But what we have here...

is perhaps better.

By not going on the trip,

you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office.

Robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep,

and I'm not even a sheep.

I'm on the freaking moon.

So, here's what we can do.

Game changers-- changes to the game

such that the game can never be played the same way again.

Everyone, brainstorm some innovations.

Don't be afraid to get weird with it.

Meredith!

Excited.

Okay.

You know, I don't think Robert will mind

if we work together on this.

I see what you're up to.

You guys.

- J-j-j-ju... - Get excited.

Shh! Movie's almost over.

All right!

We're here. Limitlesscan wait.

Fun fact--in France, they call Limitless

"the man with many capabilities."

Whoo-hoo! Ladies and gentlemen,

the 1800s await you.

We can watch Limitless on the way back.

I got Source Code on the way back.

- Ooh. - All right.

Whoo!

Such a beautiful place could have seen so much pain.

Well--you don't really know what you're talking about.

- Really? - You're not appreciating it

in the right context.

- Whoa, where you going? - Visitor center.

Gonna grab a map for the memorials, right?

Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center.

We're not tourists.

No, of course we're not tourists.

We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour.

Yeah, sign says "begin tour here."

Unless you're going on the very specially-created

and meticulously-researched Andy Bernard tour.

Huh.

That must be what it says in Chinese at the bottom.

Ha, ha. Okay. Come on.

After Chancellorsville,

Lee brought his army up the Shenandoah Valley

right through here!

They stopped in this field for a picnic,

which they called lunch.

Yeah, but I'm confused.

Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg,

but when you're talking about D.P.A.,

- that's deaths per acre... - Mm-hmm.

Nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.

Oh. D.P.A. Sounds way more important than total deaths.

Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters

that the soldiers wrote home.

I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg

sound like a bunch of schoolgirls

wrestling over a hairbrush.

I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too.

So beautifully written.

Dwight, what are you telling this girl?

The truth.

Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay?

She doesn't know any better.

Oscar, I am so glad you just got here.

I would've believed everything he said.

No, no, no! You'refilling her head with nonsense.

You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.

- Interesting. - Yes, thank you.

All of history has been whitewashed.

Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal.

Okay, I will. I don't know who that is,

but I'm gonna to tell you this--

- He's a historian. - Gettysburg was very important.

Credit where credit is due, okay?

Big mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however,

the most northern battle of the Civil War?

- Not by a long shot! - Yes, yes, yes!

- No! - No!

- No, it was not! - Oh!

No, it was not! Was it the second-most northern?

- What? - Sure!

I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!

Was it the northernmost? No.

- Get out of here, Oscar. - Get out of here!

Ugh!

Oscar.

Damn your dogged pursuit of truth.

You're gonna let this take over your day, aren't you?

I am so eager to hear your game-changers.

Let's dig in, shall we?

- May I go first? - Absolutely.

Raw fish-- the disgusting food from Japan

that Americans would never want to eat.

Now we can't get enough of it.

From movie stars to construction workers,

sushi is what's for dinner.

Let me throw another idea at you.

Origami.

What?

The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan.

Don't you wish you could go back to 1980

and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan?

We can do that! With...

origami.

It's the sushi of paper.

This idea hasn't gripped me.

What else did you come up with?

Well, I had to memorize the presentation, Robert,

and it took a long time to build the swan, so--

That was bad.

Meredith!

No one wants to spend time with their kids,

but legally, we're obligated.

So what do you do?

If you have your old baby monitor in your basement

and you don't wanna hang out with your 13-year-old, maybe--

If your woman is like mine,

I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time.

"This paper is so hard. It scratches.

Why can't there be a paper just for me?"

Well, now there is.

"Papyr." Paper for women.

It's pink, scented, and silky soft.

Now you can watch the game

and she can write a letter to her sister.

The situation you described, returning home to a wife

complaining about her paper being too masculine,

is not one I'm familiar with.

In the African-American community--

No.

Thought it was worth a try.

That's fascinating.

Tell me, what's the significance

of the peach orchard, though?

Oh, well, that's a great question.

Actually, some of the most...

Excuse me, I had a question for you.

Can you tell us about the Battle of Schrute Farms?

Uh, I haven't heard of that one.

Really. Okay, follow-up question.

How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?

I apologize for my friend,

and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.

We don't need to bother this poor gentleman.

I know exactly where we're going. Giddyap!

Tallyho!

Are you Lincoln?

No, no, I'm--

Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln.

Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums,

historical monuments, elementary schools.

I don't see it.

Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat

- so I can take a picture. - Okay. Quick.

Hey! Lincoln's starting.

Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no.

I'm actually with a tour group myself, so--

Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln.

Some people call me the Great Emancipator,

but, uh, you might know me from the penny.

Okay. You know the test booklets

that they give out in all the schools.

I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back

that people would mail in to us,

and as--you know,

as I tell it, I don't like it.

Unless, of course, you are responding to it.

- I am not. - Um, excuse me.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

At this point, when you're this pregnant,

it's kind of like senior spring.

The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.

You all had the entire morning

to come up with these.

Sorry, I just thought that making fortune cookie fortunes

for 2 billion Chinese people was a good idea.

No, I don't have a lisp.

It's not like I got a permanent retainer

put in my mouth or anything.

Kevin, you've been quiet.

I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.

Well, you know how in the vending machine

they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot?

They do that 'cause they think

A-1's the best spot for the best cookie.

But the real best spot is D-4.

Right? That's where the eyes go.

So...

Cookies.

Cookie placement.

Yeah. But not just the cookies, though.

That was just a "for instance."

Snack packs, pretzels, candy bars,

fruity chewies, lots of stuff.

See, the cookies are a metaphor for everything...

in the vending machine.

Who else agrees with Kevin,

that we're wasting facilities, manpower,

on our underselling products,

when we should be pushing our top-performers?

There you go. Consensus.

- Okay, we are now on a planet

where Kevin is the most creative person around,

and I am just some good-looking guy.

I just don't understand.

It's 1865, victory is ours,

I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet...

happiness eludes me.

Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.

all: No!

Abe and Mary are seated, watching the show.

Oh, Mary, this is wonderful.

Okay, Mary, stop your scolding, I'll be quiet.

I need her like I need a hole in the head.

Bang! Oh!

Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies--

who even wants them?

I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once,

but other than that...

Like, forget it.

Interesting.

So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie?

What is the product that no one wants?

How about that two-hole-punch letter?

Only the lawyers want that punch at the top,

and they use legal.

That's the oatmeal cookie.

Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic.

Thank you.

For some reason, my boss is obsessed with cookies.

It's not my specialty.

My specialty's pizza.

But I'm flexible.

Hey.

Devil's Den is right that way.

We should check it out. That's where the snipers hit.

Please, everyone and their mothers go to Devil's Den.

It's the Olive Garden of Gettysburg.

- Oh... - Ooh, I like Olive Garden.

Well, I mean that in a bad way.

Obviously it tastes good, but it's not cool.

Where do all the cool kids go

when they come to this consecrated ground?

That is what I'm showing you.

I know what you guys are all thinking right now.

"Hey, let's go pee on the grave of some Confederate soldiers."

But you know what? Joke's on you.

It only makes the flowers grow back more beautifully.

Best thing you can do for the deceased

is to pee on their graves.

Then you dance and work the urine

into the root systems.

Doesn't hurt to have a smile on your face, either.

You should have told us to wear sneakers.

My feet are killing me.

I could eat a horse, figuratively.

By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?

Let's talk about food for a second.

Food for thought.

Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast,

and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.

Hunger! Hunger for victory.

Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.

Hunger for hamburger.

Hunger for chicken chimichangas.

- Right, Darryl? - That's good.

Exactly. Now do you know

what the Civil War soldiers were hungry for?

The American Civil War?

Obviously.

Not obviously--there's been

many civil wars throughout history.

As we speak, Syria is involved in--

Okay, Oscar-- okay, from now on,

when I say "Civil War," I'm talking about

the American Civil War.

Where was I?

Um, hunger! Hunger for pride!

Now each battalion had it's own flag,

and they guarded these flags with their lives.

Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry

saw his flag being carried away.

Chased it down with nothing but a sword.

Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag

until he died.

He wasn't about to let them have that flag.

Pride.

Right, guys?

I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin.

- Cost me $200. Only $200?

- We are all branches on this tree.

And from the tree comes paper,

which is symbolized by these three holes

in the paper, see?

Those are-- it's like three-hole punch.

- We get--we get it. We get it.

We're all part of a business.

But business is war.

What's that I hear?

Uh, a rebel paper company

is coming to take our flag!

Wha--what's going on here?

Whoo-hoo!

Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag?

Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho!

Don't look where I am, look where I'm going.

Juke right, juke left.

Andy, this in inappropriate.

People died here, man.

Get the flag! Get the flag!

Come on, Big Tuna.

What you gonna do about it?

We got a flag right here. Whoo-hoo!

Sir! Sir!

Sir!

Please don't play games here.

It's not a game, it's a-- it's a business/war metaphor.

What you're doing is a violation of park code.

You know, Andy, he's got the right to shoot you right now.

You've got the go-ahead!

All right, all right. Break's over.

- Follow the leader. Let's go. - You guys, come on.

We got one more stop. Let's finish strong, all right?

- Yes! - Where are we going?

Spangler's Spring is a mile this way.

Oh, wow.

So that's two miles

if you incorporate the walk back.

It's-- I mean, come on.

I didn't know this was gonna be both boring and laborious.

Man, everyone I've talked to

says you've gotta see the cyclorama.

Why aren't you letting us see the cyclorama?

Ooh, I don't think I should walk anymore.

You know, all I had for breakfast

was oatmeal, yoghurt, um,

coffee, orange juice, and toast.

Two poached eggs,

and then that half a sandwich on the bus.

I--

All right, fine. You know what?

I guess this place just hasn't rubbed off on you

the way that I hoped it would.

I'm still going.

And I'm not going to ask anymore.

I'm not even gonna look back.

I'm just gonna assume that you're with me.

Said you weren't gonna look back.

The problem is, the hedge fund

is essentially the coward's game.

You're hedging your bets.

And why is Blackrock suddenly the paragon

by which all hedge funds must now be compared?

I don't know.

Right? I mean, you're an accountant.

Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.

Yes. I am an accountant.

Yeah.

I suppose you see right through the numbers.

Sometimes, I wish I'd taken your road, Kevin.

Just taken a few years to just...

Live in the numbers.

Yeah.

I do the numbers.

Guys, over here. We found the bus.

Open the door, Jim.

- It's locked. - Are you sure?

Yeah, it's locked.

It's not locked. Give me--

That's weird-- if it's not locked,

why isn't it opening?

It's--it's latched closed.

All right, you know what?

Andy probably has the number for this guy.

- Let me go find him. - I'll come with you.

Ooh! Ow! I sat on my sandwich.

And that's how the panini press was invented.

There he is!

You mind lending a hand?

I'm typing up a memo to share your ideas with the board.

- I can do that. - Great.

Your arm feels good on my back.

Dwight, this is one of the archivists here.

I thought maybe we can consult him.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, anyone employed

by the Gettysburg industrial complex

is certainly gonna want to keep quiet

about the Battle of Schrute Farms.

Schrute Farms, did you say?

That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.

You've heard about it?

Yes! Ha!

Prepare to be refuted. Go on. Come on.

There you go.

- Families and sweethearts back home

waited desperately for letters from the front.

"Dearest mother,

"I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter.

"It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms,

and I fear I may never leave this place alive."

Melvin Fifer Garris.

Hallowed ground.

- But the Battle at Schrute Farms

was no battle at all.

It was a code used by pacifists

from both North and South

who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse

into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.

You have to understand,

poets, artists, dancers,

these kinds of men preferred peace to war.

These delicate, lovely men found a place of refuge

among the Schrutes at Schrute Farm.

Amidst the macho brutality of war,

this was a place where dandies and dreamers

could put on plays, sing tender ballads,

and dance in the moonlight.

I like to think of Schrute Farm as,

uh, the Underground Railroad

for the sensitive and, well, fabulous.

Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.

- I've seen enough. - You're right.

There should be a monument to this.

Never trust a cookie with a woman's name.

Pecan Sandie.

Lorna Doone.

Madeleine.

Oh, they'll just break your heart.

Kevin, you are--

Robert, I hate to interrupt,

but I would love to pitch you one last idea.

I call it the Big Mac idea.

What? No.

Big Mac idea. It sounds encouraging.

It's really, really good, Robert.

Let me explain it.

No, this is not fair. This is my idea.

He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.

Well, what is the idea?

Every time you buy a Big Mac,

you set one ingredient aside.

Then, at the end of the week,

you have a free Big Mac.

And you love it even more,

because you made it with your own hands.

I don't know, Kevin--

No, and I can prove that it's my idea

because I sent that idea to Ronald McDonald,

and he personally thanked me with a coupon.

You know what?

Now I remember. That wasyour idea.

That is 100% your idea.

Oh-ho, my.

It was just actually cookies the whole time.

Damn it.

Hey.

You guys came.

Where's everyone else?

Back at the bus. We were locked out.

Phyllis is sitting on the ground, eating a dirty sandwich.

Yeah, I asked the bus driver to lock it,

'cause our stuff was in there.

I guess he follows orders.

Yeah, sorry everybody else didn't come.

I think they're just tired.

With holes in their shoes, and they have dysentery.

Even without an audience you're still at it.

What are you talking about?

Our office has a disease,

and it goes by many names--

sarcasm, snark, wisecracks.

You take things that people care about,

and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes.

That's what you did with this trip.

Andy, this whole idea

of our situation being just like war,

it's just not true.

We just work at a paper company,

and you're our regional manager. And guess what, man?

You don't have to prove anything.

We like you as regional manager.

Andy, if you don't believe me,

take a look at what's on my head.

I'm wearing a very pink hat.

I've been getting weird looks all day

because I'm pretty sure "DM does GB"

means something kind of sexual.

But guess who's wearing them?

All of us.

Just for you, man.

That's huge.

You don't like the hats?

- They're terrible. - I hate myself.

They just didn't turn out how I wanted.

In my head, they were cooler,

but they do look weird.

The world will little note nor long remember

the fight that Jim and I had here at Gettysburg.

And that's good, because I was basically wrong.

I wanted my team to be, like, this army,

and I was their general,

but I guess it's really just more like

they're people who work in an office,

and I'm their manager.

Yeah, that's really probably a better analogy,

now that I think about it.

Okay, guys, if anyone can tell me

one of the lessons of Gettysburg,

then we can watch Source Code.

Always believe in yourself.

Yes. Good enough.

- Yes! - All right!