Original subtitles

- Erin. - Yeah?

Hey. In two minutes, I want you

to come into this meeting and tell me

that I have a really important phone call.

I'm not gonna take it.

Because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.

Who's calling?

Nobody. Just say that I'm--

just make it up. That I have a phone call.

And then I'm gonna refuse to take it.

- You're not gonna take it-- - Just make up a phone call.

- It's not a real call. - Oh.

- Just make it up. - Oh, okay.

- And then come in and tell me. - Okay.

It doesn't matter what it is.

You're not gonna get it though?

I'm not gonna take it.

And then he's gonna be like,

"Wow, this is a really important meeting."

Copy that.

Okay.

Okay, so tell me exactly what kind of deal

you are getting right now,

and I'll tell you how we can beat it.

Uh, well, we've been going with a---

Andy, you have a very important call.

I'm sorry, I'm with a very important client.

It'll have to wait.

Are you sure?

It's really, really important.

There is nothing more important

to me right now than this meeting.

Really? Because your mother is dead.

Oh, my God.

I don't think she's dead.

She's dead.

She was hit by a bus.

She's not dead.

This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.

This isn't one of those times.

It's the police.

They said it's the worst they've ever seen.

Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother.

My deepest condolences.

Oh, you must take this call.

It's...

Yeah, um, line one?

Line two.

- Hi. - It's Darryl.

Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.

Oh...

gosh...thank you, Officer.

- Look, man, this is a bad idea.

Did she have any last words or--

- Really? That is messed up, man.

Oh, make sure that your client

gets the best deal possible.

- You're a bad man, Andrew Bernard.

That is so mom.

- You know, this stuff can come back to get you.

It's called karma. Let me tell you something.

- You do not wanna-- - All right, well,

thank you, Officer.

Erin, please hold all my other calls.

Where were we?

* *

- Hey, Cathy. - Hi.

How's it going? Everything make sense?

I think everything is under control.

- Great. - You should sit down.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

No, I should go fill out my paperwork.

Okay.

Oh, that was just me. Pregnant Pam.

And I make sounds much worse than this.

Oh, we know.

- I'm training a temp to be my replacement

while I'm on maternity leave.

Oh, I should have mentioned I'm pregnant.

You probably didn't notice, because it's impossible to tell

because I'm so small.

But, yeah, I'm pregnant.

- Oh, come on.

Hey, asking for a friend.

Do you happen to know if that new girl is single?

Hmm, doubt it.

Yeah, me too.

- You doubt it? What's that?

- Why do you doubt that she's single?

Honestly, I have no idea.

I just figured we'd save her from Ryan.

- Right?

- I mean, think about where Kelly would be

if she had never met Ryan.

That's not a great example,

but I think we should just keep this going, right?

- What are you doing with my lunch?

- I'm delivering it from the fridge.

It's like a porno-- hey, did anybody order a pizza?

It's not pizza.

- Yeah, and we're not about to make love.

I just thought maybe you'd wanna eat lunch

at your desk today so that during lunch

we could go down to the warehouse

and bang out a few tunes.

- I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in?

Uh, you tell me.

- Frankly, I could use a little fun.

All day long, it's just delegate, delegate, delegate.

Let someone else do that for a while.

- So word on the street is she has a boyfriend.

- Well, he's probably a drug dealer.

That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend.

You just, uh, you get her hooked on blow.

- It's gonna be nice to have just like

a healthy, young, fit presence

in the middle of the office.

- Yeah, aesthetically speaking, strictly.

- She adds a nice presence. Good energy.

Yeah, it's gonna be nice

to have someone hot at Pam's desk, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no, not even.

- I'm kidding! Oh, my gosh.

You guys, she's obviously super cute, I get it.

But I'd like to point out

that there's 50 pounds more of me to love...

if that's your thing.

Pam, you look more beautiful

- now than ever. Radiant.

Thank you guys, really.

Thank you, very sweet.

Yeah, you have this sexy glow.

You know, it's one of the most common fetishes.

Really, well, thank you all.

Plus, Pam, your boobs are just out of control right now.

They're huge.

You know how many women would kill for boobs like that?

Yeah, I love being pregnant.

I felt so sexy.

I--

Giving up a baby has nothing to do

with how much you like being pregnant.

You know, it's not just pregnant women

who don't get their due.

You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.

all: Yes.

Yes, have you seen her in a bikini?

Amazing.

Hotter at 66 than at 26.

- Absolutely. - So hot.

Okay, thank you, but you don't need to patronize me.

That's not what's happening here.

You wish that I was patronizing you.

That is almost too much for me to handle.

You know what would be the hottest thing ever...

- is a pregnant Helen Mirren. - Oh!

Now we're talking!

Okay, okay.

No, no, no.

This is disgusting.

Do you realize what you're saying?

The hottest thing ever

would be a 66-year-old pregnant woman.

In this case, yes.

No!

There are universal

biological standards of beauty and attraction.

And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them

to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.

- No, we're not. - No...

Yes you are. And another thing.

Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironoff.

That's right, you're fake salivating

over a Soviet-era Russian.

- Nice scatting, man. - Thank you.

I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.

Not bad, fellas. You're better than you look.

Hey, screw you!

Hey, Robert.

Are we meeting early?

Just taking a stroll.

What exactly have I stumbled upon here?

Well, we're all musicians, and we play together sometimes.

You're a band.

Thank you.

We're called Kevin and the Zits.

That was never agreed upon.

I miss being in a band.

Miss no more! What do you play?

- Join us. - I have a tambourine.

Tambourine?

You know I'm the CEO, right?

CEOs don't play tambourines.

Tambourines are for girlfriends.

I play a harmonica.

I think I have one in the car.

- Great! - Nice.

Guys, Robert is gonna be a Zit.

Again, never agreed upon.

I had totally given up on hanging out

with Robert California,

and now he wants to be in our band.

And when you're in a rock n' roll band with somebody,

you're bonded for life.

Usually that life is short and tragic.

That's okay, right?

Yeah, even cooler.

We all got to go sometime.

Hey.

Hey.

Helen Mirren. Hot?

Yeah. Super pretty.

Huh. What about Cathy?

The temp?

- Yeah, do you think she's hot? - Nope.

I'm not asking if you're into her.

Just, objectively, do you find her attractive?

And I'm telling you I don't.

On a scale of one to ten.

- Five. - Five?

Yeah.

We can talk about this stuff. Oh, my gosh.

I tell you if I think a guy is hot.

You told me once you think Kate Beckinsale's hot.

Yes, I love how open and honest our relationship is.

That's why I'm wondering why you're not believing me

when I tell you that I don't think she's hot.

You don't find Cathy attractive?

No, I don't.

No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife

that I find her replacement objectively attractive.

Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter

that violent video games are objectively more fun.

It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

Look at her.

Even I want some fries with that shake.

Okay.

Uh, I don't.

So are we good?

That's just absurd.

Yes, because she's hot, right?

Her breasts are large, her waist is small,

her reproductive health in ample evidence.

And facial symmetry-- come on.

The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently.

Like you're a kid almost.

They lose all sense of boundaries.

They start acting weird,

telling you things that clearly aren't true.

I know it sounds nuts,

but I think Dwight is the only one

who's telling me the truth.

Dwight, am I hot right now?

Why would I or anyone else

think that you're hot right now?

I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force

between male-female attraction.

What about before? Was I attractive before?

Meh...you were at your most attractive when you were 24

with a slight, gradual decline

and a steep drop-off when you

got pregnant for the first time.

Gradual recovery and, uh,

well, now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.

Hmm.

I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.

You think Jim's lying?

That's so cute. I know he's lying.

5 bucks if you can get him to admit it.

Done.

I never touch a pregnant woman.

Yep, that's the Dwight I need.

If we're gonna work together,

- we need some ground rules. - Okay.

Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth.

I think so. Okay.

Rule two: we stop at nothing.

Well, what does that-- is that...okay.

Rule three:

don't fall in love.

Yep, good.

We're gonna bust this guy.

Honesty is very important to me.

So important.

And then we will destroy the man himself.

Let's just see how we feel when we get there.

Well, you came to the right person.

You have to follow your intuition, Pam.

You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren.

Actually, what am I saying,

you wish you had her life-- no offense, Pam.

None taken. What have you got?

It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful.

Basically we have Pam ask Jim

which of his friends he would set up with Cathy.

If Jim picks a really hot friend,

then we know he thinks that Cathy's hot.

Hmm.

* *

Hey, you found us!

You guys sound great, man.

Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician

and the officiate at my wedding.

Local musician? Local legend.

I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead.

Dude, you're on TV.

You're the sportscaster on channel seven.

Go Eagles!

You do that on tv.

You guys mind if they join us?

- Yeah! - Absolutely!

Guys, I've got some instruments right here.

Hey, why don't you and me play those?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay, this is awesome.

What should we play?

Maybe we should warm up with some scales?

- Midnight Rambler? - Yeah.

Midnightwhat?

* *

* Have you heard about the midnight rambler? *

* *

Hey, come on in, baby, come on in.

* *

Yeah.

* *

Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single.

Oh, I stand corrected.

I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone.

Any ideas?

Oh, you know who might be good?

Mike Tibbets.

- Mike Tibbets, really? - Mm-hmm.

Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy?

- What kind of car does he drive? - Not his mom's car.

Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z.

Touché?

- Eww! - Kelly, calm down.

I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair.

Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs.

I don't think Jim cares about his hair.

Yeah, but I do Pam, okay.

It's called being a nice person.

I don't see what's so ugly about him.

He's got the broad face of a brewer.

- Jim's on to me. - Hmm?

Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike.

We had to go through like two levels of friends

to even find his profile.

Jim picked someone

just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it.

Just ugly enough to have deniability.

Yep.

Mike Tibbets, he's like

the most boring-looking guy I know.

So if that was for the matchmaker test,

I think I'm in the clear.

If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then...

Cathy, he's a really nice guy.

Well, Jim may be lying with his words,

but he can't lie with his body.

I'm gonna write something mean on his wall.

No, Kelly, don't.

The male reveals attraction

through unconscious and involuntary physical signs.

The puffing of the chest, mirroring,

increased blood flow to the crotch.

I say we start there.

both: With the crotch?

With the crotch.

* *

Whoo!

Psst, we're not here.

- Who said that? - Exactly.

How'd I this long triangle?

Okay, just shut it.

Is he puffing out his chest?

I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken.

Busted.

He just was mirroring. Did you see that?

No. Maybe he just said something funny.

Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam.

You should know that.

I think he's just making her laugh.

Time for me to find out.

Why's he making her laugh so much?

Just gonna walk over here--

whoa, I'm slipping and falling!

Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to!

- Dwight! - Are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm totally fine.

- Dwight! - Yes?

- Wha--Jim. - Sorry about that.

Aw, cramp, I'm just--

Dwight!

Why?

I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance.

Leave.

Does your husband have very soft erections?

Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.

Why was he making her laugh so much?

Oh, hey, I'll just be a second.

- Yeah, take your time. - Okay.

Oh, that line from Zoolander?

- Mm-hmm? - It was from a deleted scene.

- So we were both right. - Told you.

Um, do I hand in my expense reports

to a particular accountant or--

Oscar, Cathy has a question.

Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar.

- Yeah? - You okay?

Why won't you just admit that she's attractive?

It's kind of annoying that you won't say it.

Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?

Well, Dwight had this idea,

and I thought it was kind of crazy.

But maybe that's where we are now.

She called it crazy?

Aw, man, that's insulting.

All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test.

Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse,

perspiration, and breathing rate.

Yeah, it's nuts.

But I don't know what else to do.

And she called it nuts?

All right, you tell me what else she says.

Seriously, that was hot.

Feel like you and the newsman

- had a groove going. - Mm-hmm.

Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?

Are you serious?

From Star Trek?

- Hey, you caught some of that? - I caught it.

What, you don't like the blues?

I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues.

Well, we are playing.

We're all playing together.

These are our jam buddies.

It's a jam session.

We go where the music takes us.

I think the music left without you.

- Come on. - Stop shoving me.

Stop shoving me.

Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up.

Take off your jacket and take a seat.

When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.

Really?

This could all go away

if you just tell me the truth.

Uh, are you all in line?

Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man?

- Hey, Dwight. Lie detector? - Lie detector.

Okay, now I'm gonna ask you just a few simple questions.

Wait for this to constrict.

Here we go.

Is your name Jim Halpert?

Sí.

Wait, that's it?

That's the question you're gonna ask him?

We have to start with a baseline question

to establish what the truth is.

You have to share the machine with others.

Well, that's what they taught me

in my 19th century kindergarten.

Okay, Dwight, come on.

- You can go first. - Thank you.

Jim, are you serious?

Oh, this reminds me. Cece needs a new toothbrush.

Oh.

* *

Maybe we could switch instruments.

Yeah.

'Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised.

Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right.

We had to leave because of creative differences.

Yeah they kind of had a specific sound

that didn't really fit in with our thing.

Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now.

No, man...

we are.

- Well-- - No, no, no.

Okay, you're done.

I have a new heart, you know.

Do you really, Tin Man?

Hey, you know what? Your numbers are pretty good.

You're definitely telling the truth.

Okay, where were we?

No, I'm not worried.

Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam.

And when she gets her body back and her confidence back...

yes, I will tell her the truth.

That I had feelings for a co-worker today

that... I haven't had in years.

In my defense, he was grabbing my crotch

fairly aggressively at the time.

Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?

No.

Yep, he's lying.

Ah, see, was that so hard?

I am not lying.

- Really? - Pam, are you really gonna

listen to his stupid homemade test?

I would listen to my homemade test,

because your husband is definitely lying.

In fact, he's lied about every question.

Even his name.

Who are you really?

- Wait, what? - Look at the numbers.

Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100.

Your husband is a pathological liar.

150 over 100? That's really high.

Jim, you have high blood pressure.

Oh, he is definitely attracted to her.

Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?

Yeah, but I don't smoke.

Or eat salty foods, so.

Maybe it's my high-pressure job.

I'm serious, when was the last time

- you went to the doctor? - I don't know.

It's important to go every month

and get your prostate checked.

You can do it at home by yourself with your finger.

You just stick it--

- Okay. - Dwight, stop.

I'm not kidding, I mean,

I need you to take care of yourself.

What would we do if something happened to you?

Okay, easy.

Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul.

Whether you like it or not.

It's not really your choice though, is it?

Death waits for no man.

- Okay. - Come on, let's go.

I wanna call your doctor.

Doesn't it worry you in the slightest

that Jim is not his real name?

Just go home. It doesn't matter.

But--

hey, Cece's toothbrush.

Thank you.

- * Oh, baby, I love your way *

* Every day *

both: * Wanna be with you night and day *

* Day *

both: * Oh, baby, I love your way *

* *