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1
00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:11,211
- Erin.
- Yeah?
2
00:00:11,244 --> 00:00:13,513
Hey. In two minutes,
I want you
3
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:14,781
to come into this meeting
and tell me
4
00:00:14,814 --> 00:00:17,484
that I have a really
important phone call.
5
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:19,419
I'm not gonna take it.
6
00:00:19,452 --> 00:00:22,222
Because I want him to know how
important the meeting is to me.
7
00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:23,490
Who's calling?
8
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:26,159
Nobody.
Just say that I'm--
9
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:29,095
just make it up.
That I have a phone call.
10
00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:30,864
And then I'm gonna
refuse to take it.
11
00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:33,500
- You're not gonna take it--
- Just make up a phone call.
12
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:34,668
- It's not a real call.
- Oh.
13
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,269
- Just make it up.
- Oh, okay.
14
00:00:36,302 --> 00:00:37,871
- And then come in and tell me.
- Okay.
15
00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:39,539
It doesn't matter what it is.
16
00:00:39,572 --> 00:00:40,640
You're not gonna
get it though?
17
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:41,675
I'm not gonna take it.
18
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,143
And then he's gonna be like,
19
00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:44,411
"Wow, this is a really
important meeting."
20
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:45,478
Copy that.
21
00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:46,846
Okay.
22
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:52,452
Okay, so tell me exactly
what kind of deal
23
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:53,753
you are getting right now,
24
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,122
and I'll tell you
how we can beat it.
25
00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:58,558
Uh, well,
we've been going with a---
26
00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:00,827
Andy, you have
a very important call.
27
00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:02,629
I'm sorry, I'm with
a very important client.
28
00:01:02,662 --> 00:01:03,630
It'll have to wait.
29
00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:04,664
Are you sure?
30
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,199
It's really, really important.
31
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:08,868
There is nothing
more important
32
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:12,205
to me right now
than this meeting.
33
00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:15,275
Really?
Because your mother is dead.
34
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,147
Oh, my God.
35
00:01:21,181 --> 00:01:23,583
I don't think she's dead.
36
00:01:23,616 --> 00:01:25,452
She's dead.
37
00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:26,753
She was hit by a bus.
38
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,388
She's not dead.
39
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:31,257
This is exactly the kind
of thing my mom pulls.
40
00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:33,460
This isn't one
of those times.
41
00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:35,195
It's the police.
42
00:01:35,228 --> 00:01:37,397
They said it's the worst
they've ever seen.
43
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:40,600
Andy, I'm really sorry
about your mother.
44
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:43,236
My deepest condolences.
45
00:01:44,471 --> 00:01:47,340
Oh, you must take this call.
46
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:49,809
It's...
47
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,644
Yeah, um, line one?
48
00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:52,779
Line two.
49
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:57,951
- Hi.
- It's Darryl.
50
00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:00,653
Erin told me to pretend to bea cop and say your mom died.
51
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:02,655
Oh...
52
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:05,358
gosh...thank you, Officer.
53
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:06,860
- Look, man,this is a bad idea.
54
00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,895
Did she have
any last words or--
55
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:09,963
- Really?That is messed up, man.
56
00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:13,400
Oh, make sure that your client
57
00:02:13,433 --> 00:02:14,901
gets the best deal possible.
58
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:16,336
- You're a bad man,Andrew Bernard.
59
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:17,470
That is so mom.
60
00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:19,239
- You know, this stuffcan come back to get you.
61
00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:20,140
It's called karma.Let me tell you something.
62
00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:21,441
- You do not wanna--
- All right, well,
63
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,676
thank you, Officer.
64
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,814
Erin, please hold
all my other calls.
65
00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:31,785
Where were we?
66
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,854
{\an8}
67
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:42,195
{\an8}* *
68
00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:55,709
- Hey, Cathy.
- Hi.
69
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:57,377
How's it going?
Everything make sense?
70
00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:58,712
I think everything
is under control.
71
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,413
- Great.
- You should sit down.
72
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:01,314
Oh, no, I'm fine.
73
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,416
No, I should go
fill out my paperwork.
74
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,585
Okay.
75
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:10,824
Oh, that was just me.
Pregnant Pam.
76
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,326
And I make sounds
much worse than this.
77
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,694
Oh, we know.
78
00:03:15,595 --> 00:03:17,831
{\an8}- I'm training a temp
to be my replacement
79
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,866
{\an8}while I'm on maternity leave.
80
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:23,370
{\an8}Oh, I should have
mentioned I'm pregnant.
81
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,905
{\an8}You probably didn't notice,
because it's impossible to tell
82
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,807
{\an8}because I'm so small.
83
00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:30,777
{\an8}But, yeah, I'm pregnant.
84
00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:33,046
{\an8}-
Oh, come on.
85
00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:35,915
{\an8}Hey, asking for a friend.
86
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,617
{\an8}Do you happen to know
if that new girl is single?
87
00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:39,719
{\an8}Hmm, doubt it.
88
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:42,022
{\an8}Yeah, me too.
89
00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:46,493
{\an8}- You doubt it?
What's that?
90
00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:48,294
{\an8}- Why do you doubt
that she's single?
91
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:50,430
{\an8}Honestly, I have no idea.
92
00:03:50,463 --> 00:03:52,065
{\an8}I just figured
we'd save her from Ryan.
93
00:03:52,098 --> 00:03:53,900
{\an8}- Right?
94
00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:55,068
{\an8}- I mean, think about
where Kelly would be
95
00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:57,737
{\an8}if she had never met Ryan.
96
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:59,572
{\an8}That's not a great example,
97
00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:01,608
{\an8}but I think we should just
keep this going, right?
98
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:03,443
{\an8}
99
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,015
{\an8}- What are you doing
with my lunch?
100
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,418
{\an8}- I'm delivering it
from the fridge.
101
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:13,820
{\an8}It's like a porno--
hey, did anybody order a pizza?
102
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:15,055
{\an8}It's not pizza.
103
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,357
{\an8}- Yeah, and we're not
about to make love.
104
00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:19,025
{\an8}I just thought maybe
you'd wanna eat lunch
105
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:21,094
{\an8}at your desk today
so that during lunch
106
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,662
{\an8}we could go down
to the warehouse
107
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,364
{\an8}and bang out a few tunes.
108
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:26,900
{\an8}- I like the sound of that.
Is Kevin in?
109
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,635
{\an8}Uh, you tell me.
110
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:31,071
{\an8}
111
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,808
{\an8}
112
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,043
{\an8}- Frankly, I could use
a little fun.
113
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:41,047
{\an8}All day long, it's just
delegate, delegate, delegate.
114
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:44,017
{\an8}Let someone else do that
for a while.
115
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:47,854
{\an8}- So word on the street is
she has a boyfriend.
116
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:50,090
{\an8}- Well, he's probably
a drug dealer.
117
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,058
{\an8}That's the best way
to land a hot girlfriend.
118
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:55,128
{\an8}You just, uh,
you get her hooked on blow.
119
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:56,363
{\an8}- It's gonna be nice
to have just like
120
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,665
{\an8}a healthy, young, fit presence
121
00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,033
{\an8}in the middle of the office.
122
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:01,901
{\an8}- Yeah, aesthetically
speaking, strictly.
123
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,103
{\an8}- She adds a nice presence.
Good energy.
124
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,105
{\an8}Yeah, it's gonna be nice
125
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,940
{\an8}to have someone hot
at Pam's desk, huh?
126
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:09,776
{\an8}Oh, no, no, no, no, not even.
127
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,978
{\an8}- I'm kidding!
Oh, my gosh.
128
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,080
{\an8}You guys, she's obviously
super cute, I get it.
129
00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:15,982
{\an8}But I'd like to point out
130
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,584
{\an8}that there's 50 pounds
more of me to love...
131
00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:18,818
{\an8}if that's your thing.
132
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,020
{\an8}Pam, you look more beautiful
133
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,087
{\an8}- now than ever.
Radiant.
134
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,889
{\an8}Thank you guys, really.
135
00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:24,657
{\an8}Thank you, very sweet.
136
00:05:24,691 --> 00:05:25,959
Yeah, you have this sexy glow.
137
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,428
You know, it's one of
the most common fetishes.
138
00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:30,663
Really, well, thank you all.
139
00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,932
Plus, Pam, your boobs are
just out of control right now.
140
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,534
They're huge.
141
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,436
You know how many women would
kill for boobs like that?
142
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:37,937
Yeah, I love being pregnant.
143
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,606
I felt so sexy.
144
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:41,107
I--
145
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,910
Giving up a baby
has nothing to do
146
00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:47,447
with how much you like
being pregnant.
147
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:48,615
You know, it's not
just pregnant women
148
00:05:48,648 --> 00:05:49,983
who don't get their due.
149
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,452
You know who's gorgeous?
Helen Mirren.
150
00:05:52,485 --> 00:05:53,286
all: Yes.
151
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:54,721
Yes, have you seen her
in a bikini?
152
00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:55,889
Amazing.
153
00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:57,891
Hotter at 66 than at 26.
154
00:05:57,924 --> 00:05:59,059
- Absolutely.
- So hot.
155
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,661
Okay, thank you, but you
don't need to patronize me.
156
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,063
That's not what's
happening here.
157
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,565
You wish that
I was patronizing you.
158
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:09,002
That is almost too much
for me to handle.
159
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,037
You know what would be
the hottest thing ever...
160
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:14,607
- is a pregnant Helen Mirren.
- Oh!
161
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:16,476
Now we're talking!
162
00:06:16,509 --> 00:06:18,445
Okay, okay.
163
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:19,979
No, no, no.
164
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,114
This is disgusting.
165
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:22,082
Do you realize
what you're saying?
166
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,650
The hottest thing ever
167
00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:25,819
would be a 66-year-old
pregnant woman.
168
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:26,820
In this case, yes.
169
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:27,887
No!
170
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,155
There are universal
171
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:32,492
biological standards
of beauty and attraction.
172
00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:35,462
And you are purposefully
celebrating the opposite of them
173
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:37,697
to mollycoddle
a pregnant woman.
174
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,165
- No, we're not.
- No...
175
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,934
Yes you are.
And another thing.
176
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,670
Helen Mirren was born
Helen Mironoff.
177
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,138
That's right,
you're fake salivating
178
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:47,640
over a Soviet-era Russian.
179
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,258
- Nice scatting, man.
- Thank you.
180
00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:08,061
I think I said doop
instead of boop at one point.
181
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,063
Not bad, fellas.
You're better than you look.
182
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,231
Hey, screw you!
183
00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:14,934
Hey, Robert.
184
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,036
Are we meeting early?
185
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,638
Just taking a stroll.
186
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,707
What exactly have I
stumbled upon here?
187
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:23,543
Well, we're all musicians,
and we play together sometimes.
188
00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:24,678
You're a band.
189
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,012
Thank you.
190
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:29,249
We're called Kevin
and the Zits.
191
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,784
That was never agreed upon.
192
00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:32,552
I miss being in a band.
193
00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:34,821
Miss no more!
What do you play?
194
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:36,756
- Join us.
- I have a tambourine.
195
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,224
Tambourine?
196
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,759
You know I'm the CEO, right?
197
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,961
CEOs don't play tambourines.
198
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,163
Tambourines are for girlfriends.
199
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,264
I play a harmonica.
200
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,699
I think I have one in the car.
201
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:48,535
- Great!
- Nice.
202
00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:51,004
Guys, Robert is gonna be a Zit.
203
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:53,707
Again, never agreed upon.
204
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,208
I had totally given up
on hanging out
205
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:56,576
with Robert California,
206
00:07:56,609 --> 00:07:58,578
and now he wants to be
in our band.
207
00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:00,080
And when you're in a rock
n' roll band with somebody,
208
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,281
you're bonded for life.
209
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:04,250
Usually that life
is short and tragic.
210
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,086
That's okay, right?
211
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,754
Yeah, even cooler.
212
00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,056
We all got to go sometime.
213
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,958
Hey.
214
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,126
Hey.
215
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,328
Helen Mirren. Hot?
216
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,263
Yeah.
Super pretty.
217
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:20,667
Huh.
What about Cathy?
218
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:21,601
The temp?
219
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:23,670
- Yeah, do you think she's hot?
- Nope.
220
00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:26,106
I'm not asking
if you're into her.
221
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,141
Just, objectively, do you
find her attractive?
222
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:29,809
And I'm telling you I don't.
223
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,344
On a scale of one to ten.
224
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:32,946
- Five.
- Five?
225
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:35,148
Yeah.
226
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,817
We can talk about this stuff.
Oh, my gosh.
227
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,753
I tell you if I think
a guy is hot.
228
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:41,888
You told me once you think
Kate Beckinsale's hot.
229
00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:45,892
Yes, I love how open
and honest our relationship is.
230
00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:47,327
That's why I'm wondering why
you're not believing me
231
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,095
when I tell you that
I don't think she's hot.
232
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,097
You don't find
Cathy attractive?
233
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,866
No, I don't.
234
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:56,770
No, I'm not going to tell
my nine-months-pregnant wife
235
00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:59,706
that I find her replacement
objectively attractive.
236
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,307
Just like I'm not going to
tell my two-year-old daughter
237
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:05,245
that violent video games
are objectively more fun.
238
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:08,048
It's true, but it doesn't
help anybody.
239
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:11,051
Look at her.
240
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,353
Even I want some fries
with that shake.
241
00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:16,089
Okay.
242
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:17,824
Uh, I don't.
243
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,793
So are we good?
244
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:25,065
That's just absurd.
245
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,900
Yes, because she's hot,
right?
246
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,269
Her breasts are large,
her waist is small,
247
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,071
her reproductive health
in ample evidence.
248
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,840
And facial symmetry--
come on.
249
00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:36,943
The thing about pregnancy is
people treat you differently.
250
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:38,945
Like you're a kid almost.
251
00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:41,014
They lose all senseof boundaries.
252
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,916
They start acting weird,
253
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:45,251
telling you thingsthat clearly aren't true.
254
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,220
I know it sounds nuts,
255
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,222
but I think Dwight
is the only one
256
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,925
who's telling me the truth.
257
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:54,094
Dwight, am I hot right now?
258
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,362
Why would I or anyone else
259
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:56,496
think that you're hot
right now?
260
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,965
I can't impregnate you,
and that's the driving force
261
00:09:58,998 --> 00:10:00,300
between male-female attraction.
262
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,836
What about before?
Was I attractive before?
263
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:06,239
Meh...you were at your most
attractive when you were 24
264
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,674
with a slight, gradual decline
265
00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:08,775
and a steep drop-off when you
266
00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:10,076
got pregnant for
the first time.
267
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,845
Gradual recovery and, uh,
268
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:15,382
well, now, obviously,
you're at an all-time low.
269
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:17,751
Hmm.
270
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:23,256
I think Jim's lying to me about
not being attracted to Cathy.
271
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:26,359
You think Jim's lying?
272
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,795
That's so cute.
I know he's lying.
273
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:30,463
5 bucks if you can
get him to admit it.
274
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:31,698
Done.
275
00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:33,066
I never touch
a pregnant woman.
276
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,934
Yep, that's the Dwight
I need.
277
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,973
If we're gonna work together,
278
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:41,307
- we need some ground rules.
- Okay.
279
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:44,477
Rule one: our only loyalty
is to the truth.
280
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:47,080
I think so. Okay.
281
00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:48,815
Rule two: we stop at nothing.
282
00:10:48,848 --> 00:10:52,085
Well, what does that--
is that...okay.
283
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:53,420
Rule three:
284
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:55,088
don't fall in love.
285
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,456
Yep, good.
286
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,224
We're gonna bust this guy.
287
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,193
Honesty is very
important to me.
288
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:01,394
So important.
289
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,930
And then we will destroy
the man himself.
290
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:07,734
Let's just see how
we feel when we get there.
291
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,402
Well, you came to
the right person.
292
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,438
You have to follow
your intuition, Pam.
293
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,440
You don't want to end up
like Elin Nordegren.
294
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:14,908
Actually, what am I saying,
295
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,309
you wish you had her life--
no offense, Pam.
296
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,244
None taken.
What have you got?
297
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:21,514
It is called the matchmaker
test, and it is very powerful.
298
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,950
Basically we have Pam ask Jim
299
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,852
which of his friends
he would set up with Cathy.
300
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:27,520
If Jim picks
a really hot friend,
301
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,989
then we know he thinks
that Cathy's hot.
302
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:33,393
Hmm.
303
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:42,402
* *
304
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,404
Hey, you found us!
305
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:46,306
You guys sound great, man.
306
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:50,377
Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is
Curtis Dorough, local musician
307
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,911
and the officiate at my wedding.
308
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:54,948
Local musician?
Local legend.
309
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,450
I used to come hear you play
every week at the Deerhead.
310
00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:59,452
Dude, you're on TV.
311
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:02,122
You're the sportscaster
on channel seven.
312
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,423
Go Eagles!
313
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,325
You do that on tv.
314
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,127
You guys mind if they join us?
315
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,896
- Yeah!
- Absolutely!
316
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:11,364
Guys, I've got some
instruments right here.
317
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,433
Hey, why don't you
and me play those?
318
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:14,968
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
319
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,102
Okay, this is awesome.
320
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,370
What should we play?
321
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,039
Maybe we should
warm up with some scales?
322
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,540
- Midnight Rambler?
- Yeah.
323
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,209
Midnightwhat?
324
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:29,949
* *
325
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:33,920
* Have you heard about
the midnight rambler? *
326
00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:37,290
* *
327
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:40,460
Hey, come on in, baby,
come on in.
328
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:47,801
* *
329
00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:51,871
Yeah.
330
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:58,845
* *
331
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:12,425
Hey, I was talking to Cathy.
Turns out she is single.
332
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,961
Oh, I stand corrected.
333
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:18,098
I thought it might be fun
to set her up with someone.
334
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,066
Any ideas?
335
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,334
Oh, you know who
might be good?
336
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,635
Mike Tibbets.
337
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:25,038
- Mike Tibbets, really?
- Mm-hmm.
338
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:26,172
Hey, who's this
Mike Tibbets guy?
339
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:30,010
- What kind of car does he drive?
- Not his mom's car.
340
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:33,213
Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's
probably not a Nissan Z.
341
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,116
Touché?
342
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:39,552
- Eww!
- Kelly, calm down.
343
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,988
I mean, I guess
he'd be okay with hair.
344
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,990
Okay, you should see if
he'll get hair plugs.
345
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,492
I don't think Jim
cares about his hair.
346
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:46,926
Yeah, but I do Pam, okay.
347
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,161
It's called being
a nice person.
348
00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:49,429
I don't see
what's so ugly about him.
349
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,231
He's got the broad
face of a brewer.
350
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,466
- Jim's on to me.
- Hmm?
351
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,069
Yeah, Jim barely
talks to Mike.
352
00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:57,537
We had to go through like
two levels of friends
353
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,105
to even find his profile.
354
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,007
Jim picked someone
355
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:04,611
just unattractive enough to
shut me up without tipping it.
356
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:07,280
Just ugly enough
to have deniability.
357
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:08,548
Yep.
358
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,550
Mike Tibbets, he's like
359
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:12,152
the most boring-lookingguy I know.
360
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,688
So if that was for
the matchmaker test,
361
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:17,157
I think I'm in the clear.
362
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,427
If that wasn't for
the matchmaker test, then...
363
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,562
Cathy, he's a really nice guy.
364
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:24,497
Well, Jim may be
lying with his words,
365
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,299
but he can't lie with his body.
366
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:28,702
I'm gonna write
something mean on his wall.
367
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,603
No, Kelly, don't.
368
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,238
The male reveals attraction
369
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:35,175
through unconscious
and involuntary physical signs.
370
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:38,445
The puffing of the chest,
mirroring,
371
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,947
increased blood flow
to the crotch.
372
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:42,716
I say we start there.
373
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,651
both: With the crotch?
374
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,454
With the crotch.
375
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:57,263
* *
376
00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:01,301
Whoo!
377
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,705
Psst, we're not here.
378
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:07,607
- Who said that?
- Exactly.
379
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,209
How'd I this long triangle?
380
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,311
Okay, just shut it.
381
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,513
Is he puffing out his chest?
382
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:15,715
I can't tell.
It's unnaturally sunken.
383
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,085
Busted.
384
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,754
He just was mirroring.
Did you see that?
385
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:23,256
No. Maybe he just said
something funny.
386
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:25,325
Jim has no discernible
sense of humor, Pam.
387
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:26,559
You should know that.
388
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,528
I think he's just
making her laugh.
389
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,730
Time for me to find out.
390
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,602
Why's he making
her laugh so much?
391
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:36,636
Just gonna walk over here--
392
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,338
whoa, I'm slipping and falling!
393
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:41,374
Oh, stumbling, I need
something to grab on to!
394
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:42,308
- Dwight!
- Are you okay?
395
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:43,510
I'm fine, I'm totally fine.
396
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,612
- Dwight!
- Yes?
397
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,514
- Wha--Jim.
- Sorry about that.
398
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:49,382
Aw, cramp, I'm just--
399
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:52,052
Dwight!
400
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,586
Why?
401
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,556
I'm sorry,
I fell down, Mr. Balance.
402
00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:06,633
Leave.
403
00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:12,639
Does your husband
have very soft erections?
404
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:16,609
Because if not, I just grabbed
a very soft penis for nothing.
405
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:20,113
Why was he making her
laugh so much?
406
00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,753
Oh, hey, I'll just
be a second.
407
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:29,622
- Yeah, take your time.
- Okay.
408
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,392
Oh, that line from
Zoolander?
409
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,761
- Mm-hmm?
- It was from a deleted scene.
410
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:36,730
- So we were both right.
- Told you.
411
00:16:38,264 --> 00:16:41,234
Um, do I hand in
my expense reports
412
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:42,736
to a particular accountant or--
413
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:44,371
Oscar, Cathy has a question.
414
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:47,674
Sorry, um,
I'll just go ask Oscar.
415
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,580
- Yeah?
- You okay?
416
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:56,082
Why won't you just admit
that she's attractive?
417
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,350
It's kind of annoying
that you won't say it.
418
00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:59,185
Okay, what can I do
to make you believe me?
419
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,154
Well, Dwight had this idea,
420
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:03,123
and I thought it was
kind of crazy.
421
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:06,426
But maybe
that's where we are now.
422
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:07,794
She called it crazy?
423
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:10,397
Aw, man, that's insulting.
424
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:13,233
All I did was propose
a makeshift lie-detector test.
425
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,268
Monitoring his
blood pressure, pulse,
426
00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:17,370
perspiration,
and breathing rate.
427
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,239
Yeah, it's nuts.
428
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,807
But I don't know
what else to do.
429
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,143
And she called it nuts?
430
00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:25,879
All right, you tell me
what else she says.
431
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,214
Seriously, that was hot.
432
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,549
Feel like you and the newsman
433
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,817
- had a groove going.
- Mm-hmm.
434
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:33,119
Did you know that Lisa
toured with Chaka Khan?
435
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:34,387
Are you serious?
436
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:35,422
From Star Trek?
437
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:38,858
- Hey, you caught some of that?
- I caught it.
438
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,393
What, you don't
like the blues?
439
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:42,696
I might enjoy seeing you guys
play the blues.
440
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:43,830
Well, we are playing.
441
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:44,898
We're all playing together.
442
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,633
These are our jam buddies.
443
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,701
It's a jam session.
444
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,336
We go where the music takes us.
445
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,739
I think the music
left without you.
446
00:17:58,211 --> 00:17:59,546
- Come on.
- Stop shoving me.
447
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:00,747
Stop shoving me.
448
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,716
Stop grabbing my penis.
Grow up.
449
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,151
Take off your jacket
and take a seat.
450
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:11,358
When it lies, the human body
exhibits many telltale signs.
451
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:12,492
Really?
452
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:13,693
This could all go away
453
00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:15,161
if you just tell me the truth.
454
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,464
Uh, are you all in line?
455
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:20,533
Why don't you go check out
the sympathy cards, old man?
456
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:23,737
- Hey, Dwight. Lie detector?
- Lie detector.
457
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:27,240
Okay, now I'm gonna ask you
just a few simple questions.
458
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,342
Wait for this to constrict.
459
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:30,710
Here we go.
460
00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:33,346
Is your name Jim Halpert?
461
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,382
Sí.
462
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:36,349
Wait, that's it?
463
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:37,884
That's the question
you're gonna ask him?
464
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,619
We have to start with
a baseline question
465
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:40,954
to establish what the truth is.
466
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:44,357
You have to share
the machine with others.
467
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:45,892
Well,
that's what they taught me
468
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,861
in my 19th century kindergarten.
469
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,829
Okay, Dwight, come on.
470
00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:51,765
- You can go first.
- Thank you.
471
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,800
Jim, are you serious?
472
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:59,606
Oh, this reminds me.
Cece needs a new toothbrush.
473
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,840
Oh.
474
00:19:03,877 --> 00:19:11,184
* *
475
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,454
Maybe we could
switch instruments.
476
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:15,488
Yeah.
477
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:17,724
'Cause, uh, my body's
starting to get bruised.
478
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:20,827
Yeah, maybe everyone move
one instrument to the right.
479
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,945
We had to leave because
of creative differences.
480
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,915
Yeah they kind of had
a specific sound
481
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:44,250
that didn't really
fit in with our thing.
482
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:48,822
Guys, this means they're
Kevin and the Zits now.
483
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,790
No, man...
484
00:19:50,824 --> 00:19:53,326
we are.
485
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,528
- Well--
- No, no, no.
486
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,364
Okay, you're done.
487
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:58,965
I have a new heart,
you know.
488
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:00,567
Do you really, Tin Man?
489
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,303
Hey, you know what?
Your numbers are pretty good.
490
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:04,671
You're definitely
telling the truth.
491
00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:09,843
Okay, where were we?
492
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,578
No, I'm not worried.
493
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,581
Because this lie isn't
for me, it's for Pam.
494
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:19,319
And when she gets her body back
and her confidence back...
495
00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:22,689
yes,
I will tell her the truth.
496
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:27,594
That I had feelings
for a co-worker today
497
00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:30,964
that...
I haven't had in years.
498
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:35,035
In my defense,
he was grabbing my crotch
499
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,570
fairly aggressively
at the time.
500
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,739
Do you find
Cathy Simms attractive?
501
00:20:39,773 --> 00:20:40,907
No.
502
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:44,911
Yep, he's lying.
503
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:47,047
Ah, see, was that so hard?
504
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,948
I am not lying.
505
00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:50,917
- Really?
- Pam, are you really gonna
506
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:52,886
listen to his
stupid homemade test?
507
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,454
I would listen to
my homemade test,
508
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:55,388
because your husband
is definitely lying.
509
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,857
In fact, he's lied
about every question.
510
00:20:57,891 --> 00:20:59,059
Even his name.
511
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:00,493
Who are you really?
512
00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:02,562
- Wait, what?
- Look at the numbers.
513
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,631
Every single time,
it's come up 150 over 100.
514
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,700
Your husband
is a pathological liar.
515
00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:09,569
150 over 100?
That's really high.
516
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,504
Jim, you have
high blood pressure.
517
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,440
Oh, he is definitely
attracted to her.
518
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,108
Doesn't your dad have
high blood pressure?
519
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,676
Yeah, but I don't smoke.
520
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:18,445
Or eat salty foods, so.
521
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:19,979
Maybe it's my
high-pressure job.
522
00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:20,914
I'm serious, when was
the last time
523
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:22,549
- you went to the doctor?
- I don't know.
524
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:23,917
It's important
to go every month
525
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,452
and get your prostate checked.
526
00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:26,820
You can do it at home by
yourself with your finger.
527
00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:27,854
You just stick it--
528
00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:30,423
- Okay.
- Dwight, stop.
529
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:32,392
I'm not kidding, I mean,
530
00:21:32,425 --> 00:21:33,793
I need you to
take care of yourself.
531
00:21:33,827 --> 00:21:35,595
What would we do if
something happened to you?
532
00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,130
Okay, easy.
533
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:39,699
Trust me, I'm around
for the long-haul.
534
00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:41,101
Whether you like it or not.
535
00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:42,836
It's not really
your choice though, is it?
536
00:21:42,869 --> 00:21:44,371
Death waits for no man.
537
00:21:44,404 --> 00:21:45,638
- Okay.
- Come on, let's go.
538
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:48,541
I wanna call your doctor.
539
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:50,076
Doesn't it worry you
in the slightest
540
00:21:50,110 --> 00:21:51,678
that Jim is not his real name?
541
00:21:51,711 --> 00:21:52,779
Just go home.
It doesn't matter.
542
00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,047
But--
543
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,216
hey, Cece's toothbrush.
544
00:22:00,086 --> 00:22:01,588
Thank you.
545
00:22:01,621 --> 00:22:04,791
- * Oh, baby,I love your way *
546
00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,826
* Every day *
547
00:22:06,860 --> 00:22:11,898
both: * Wanna be with you
night and day *
548
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:13,667
* Day *
549
00:22:13,700 --> 00:22:17,570
both: * Oh, baby,
I love your way *
550
00:22:40,226 --> 00:22:47,567
* *
39147
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