Original subtitles

Hey, everybody, it's closing time.

You don't gotta go home, but you can't stay here.

Whoo!

* Closing time *

Every office needs an end of the day tradition.

Something to tell you the day is over.

Otherwise you go home

and the night just feels like more day.

It's weird.

* Closing time *

* Turn all of the lights on *

* Over every boy and every girl *

* Closing time *

W.R.K.

* One last call for alcohol *

* So finish your whiskey and beer *

Oh, my boss is singing "Closing Time."

Maybe that's what you're hearing.

- Come on, Pam! - Okay.

both: * Closing time *

* Time for you to go home to the places you will be from *

Let's see. Andy has been manager for 105 days.

Which means I've heard "Closing Time"

105 times.

Still don't know the words.

* Ah wah dah wah home and home and home *

* Closing time *

It's not 5:00 yet, Oscar.

* Have to go home *

* But you can't stay here *

* I know who I want to take me home *

* I know who I want to take me home *

* I know who I want to take me home *

* Take me home *

You know what? Fine!

I try to start fun traditions for you guys,

but if you don't wanna sing, no traditions!

* Closing time *

* Every new beginning *

I never heard that song before.

And once I heard it, I did not care for it.

But that songs means it's time to go home.

Now it's my favorite song.

both: * Every new beginning *

* Comes from some other beginning's end *

Good night.

* *

Robert.

Do you wanna smoke pipes during our meeting?

Let's wait until we have something to smoke about.

Yes. Of course.

Erin.

- Andy, maybe I could sit in on this with you.

You know, that way, I can cover you in case you need to urinate

or you just want another opinion.

Or defecate.

I don't think so.

Well, I just thought

with my new increased responsibilities and all...

- Yeah, I'm still figuring out the two-man bobsled here.

So let's hold off on the D-man for now.

- Who's your favorite iron chef? This report is atrocious.

You go first.

- The ticketing software paints a picture

of a sloppy, careless, error-prone office.

- Well, the monitoring software is a double-edged sword.

- Sometimes the infer-- Sorry. Go ahead.

Mm-hmm.

- Did you need something from us?

Yes.

Your attention.

Uh, because...

No. That is all.

Last night, I dreamed that the number two

was the most valued number in the world.

The vice president had all the power,

athletes fought for silver medals.

Women were considered the best gender.

And stadiums of fans shouted "we're number 2!"

As with all my dreams,

I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.

- Last week, an accounting mistake

resulted in a client getting their order for free.

Oof! That's not good.

Chalk that one up to Tweedledee and Tweedledum out there.

- Who are they? They're both Kevin.

Oscar is the "Sex and the City" gang.

And Angela, if you can picture--

- Sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.

I would agree with that.

Simply end the mistakes.

End the mistakes. Easy.

When I come back next week and this report

show me no mistakes,

we can talk about names all day.

Our favorite names, silly made-up names,

normal names said in a silly voice.

Wouldn't that be nice?

- I would like that. - End the mistakes.

That's all I ask.

And you can't have a favorite iron chef.

It depends entirely on the secret ingredient.

Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.

I'm just saying with the NBA lock-out,

I think roller derby's in a really good place right now.

So my pitch is me, Pam, you, and someone else--

- maybe Justine. - Bah!

Nope. Not Justine.

Never Justine.

- Is that off again? - Oh, yeah.

- Okay. - Hey.

Mandatory warehouse safety meeting today.

Uh, we don't really do those. We just sign the thing.

Are you really this lazy?

I'll be there.

- Hey. - Hey.

Mondays suck.

Yep.

I'm just trying to--

thanks.

I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem.

This is a project I've been working on

for quite some time.

And today might be the day to use it.

What do you got?

Allow me.

You're gonna love this.

Ah, I should've used a shorter string.

Never mind. I know it by heart.

It is a system that holds people accountable

for everyone else's work.

Sounds controversial.

Have I not been worthy of your trust?

Have I not been a reliable number two?

Do not go there!

You're the deuce I never wanna drop.

Well, I can make this work.

I'll set it up right now. I just need your go-ahead.

Go do the voodoo and you do so well.

- I will do my voodoo. - Mm-hmm.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe I finally have a boss who will respect my ideas

and let me try stuff.

Shaking.

It's a good shake.

Why am I talking to you?

Hey.

I need you to get the paperwork rolling

on a new workplace relationship.

- For you? - Yes, for Gabe.

Who are you seeing? That's great.

Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse.

Oh.

I'm not technically seeing her, but I've seen her--

with the eyes-- and there was attraction

in at least one direction, so...

You know, I don't have to do paperwork

unless you're actually dating.

Okay, well, once this starts, it's gonna be moving fast.

It's gonna be hot and heavy,

and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape

wrapped around my jock, you know?

But I mean, have you talked to her?

Yeah, we had a whole conversation about Mondays.

Do you know her last name yet?

Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow

because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.

She's gonna be screaming her own last name?

Hey. Watch it.

Good luck, Gabe.

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

I just wanna say that you all

have been doing amazing work, really.

Thank you.

And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy.

So Dwight and I have implemented a new program

that we like to call-- Dwight?

The accountability booster.

It registers every time a mistake has been made

in the office,

from a late delivery to an accounting error.

Five strikes in a day equals a homerun.

One home run and you're out.

If we as a group make five mistakes in a day,

something bad happens, like we block Minesweeper.

Or we spoil an episode of your favorite TV show.

Or worst of all,

the disapproving Andy face.

Or in this case,

an email gets sent to Robert California

containing the consultant's report from last year.

Remember the one that recommended

the branch be shut down?

And as a failsafe also every negative email

you've ever written about him to the group

will also be forwarded to him.

What emails are you talking about?

"Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC,

'Creep' by Radiohead."

Remember that one, Jim?

Uh, "There's no way he hasn't strangled

at least one stripper."

Oscar.

"He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it

for disappoint him." Kelly.

That's not that bad actually.

"P.S. We should kill him.

Wait, so you installed a doomsday device?

No, it's an accountability booster.

Which when it goes off, it destroys everything

very similar to a doomsday device.

Jim, you're trying to make me sound like

some kind of evil maniac.

The point is is that we are now working in an environment

where we have accountability to each other.

I am confident that you guys are equal to the task.

- Um, no, we're not. - No.

And you are a psycho who is ruining our lives.

We can't do this, Dwight. Look around.

Smile.

Nod. Smile and nod.

They're making me out to be a Bond villain.

I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist

who will stop nothing to remake the world...

like...

Not Doctor Moreau. Someone good.

Dr. Frankenstein.

Dr. Jekyll-- Not them.

Doctor...

Are you sure this is a good idea?

I mean, that thing about this office is

we make a lot of mistakes.

But the device will change that.

Without a safety net, people will improve.

Mm, just starting to wonder if maybe the device is a mistake.

Look, you said

you were gonna give me some real responsibility,

that you believed in me.

Well, this is your chance. Do it.

At least for a day. One day, Andy.

How about I don't support you on this, but I promise

to support you on two things in the future?

Okay. Fine.

Just let me know when you're gonna give me a chance.

You're right. You're right.

Let's--one day. Mm-hmm.

All right, everybody.

Looks like we need to be getting to work.

Be extra careful, double check everything.

Or the accountability booster will getcha.

Let's not make any mistakes today,

or at least no more than four.

This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me.

Y2K all over again.

Oh, I was all about the Y2k bug.

Paid some guy to update my PCs. Threw out my microwave.

Cancelled my plane ticket. Sold all of my stocks.

Spent New Year's Eve in my basement

with a gas mask on my face.

I was even wearing a diaper.

Someone said Y2K would get the toilets.

This could be real.

Dwight's pretty handy with computers.

He fixed my laptop once.

Okay, he didn't fix it.

The brightness level was all the way down.

You couldn't fix it.

I wasn't here that day.

- Yes, you were. - No--okay.

Well, we'll talk about it later.

Strasburg. I had a meeting in Strasburg.

And I dropped you off beforehand.

I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes.

- I don't think so, babe. - Okay. This is crazy.

There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham.

We just make a mistake.

I'll send an order down to shipping

before we've received payment.

Oh! There's one mistake.

Now we only have four strikes left until a homerun.

Dwight, turn the device off.

Come on, Dwight.

Guys, Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard

on this doomsday device, so I think we're being a little rude.

It's not a doomsday device. Gosh!

Your phone is ringing, Stanley. You're gonna wanna get that.

Turn off the device.

This is Stanley Hudson.

How are you?

Exactly.

Where's global warming when you need it?

freak.

We stopped for coffee that morning.

Remember? Well, I got it out of the bag.

- You gotta be kidding me. - You were wearing a blue shirt.

I'm not talking about this here.

- That's low. - Blue.

Just once, I would like us all to cooperate on a plan.

I feel like their minds were made up

as soon as they heard it was my idea.

And it could get them all fired.

- First! - Second.

It's not a race.

Thirrr-- third.

Who knows what the belt is for?

It's for protecting my ass

when you suckers lift more than you can handle.

'Sup. I'm Gabe. Corporate.

Continue. Don't be nervous.

What're you doing here, Gabe?

Well, they're all considering that I basically own the place.

I'm just chilling at mi casa.

This is me in repose, I suppose.

You know, there's this expression.

"Bros before hoes."

And what that's short for is "brothers before whores."

Uh, I don't buy that.

I would throw any brother under the bus for any whore.

Woman.

Apparently, we have a visitor.

- Gabe, everyone. - Hi, Gabe!

All right, so the support belt.

Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays.

Look at this. This is enormous.

Oh.

I got the sense that Val enjoys a good put-down.

Considering that's the only thing I know about her,

I will be milking that hard.

It's like a hula hoop. Right?

* Mele kalikimaka is Hawaii's way *

You done?

The Michelin Man called. He wants his cummerbund back.

Remember we have to give regal escrow

their refund by five.

I'm on it.

Kevin, maybe I should handle that.

We really need you to focus on your project.

Good thinking.

Apparently a big client for this company

needs to know the story of how paper gets made.

Oscar, use a calculator.

When the stake are this high, there's only one computer

that I trust, and it's powered by Thai food and Spanish reds.

All right, everybody, you're doing great!

Well, I wouldn't say that.

Three mistakes already is pretty terrible.

But I do see improvement.

Meredith kept someone on hold for 30 minutes,

and now look-- she's hard at work.

- Dwight, question. - No questions.

If this doomsday device goes off--

Accountability booster.

If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs,

are you gonna feel good about that?

I haven't even considered it.

That's how sure I am that this accountability booster

- is gonna work. - Doomsday device.

- What? - What?

It sounded like you said doomsday device.

That's what it sounded like to me too.

Didn't.

I don't watch sports movies, but I saw one in the hospital.

It was about a coach whose unorthodox style

transformed a bunch of underachieving miscreants

into champions.

I'm at the part of the movie right now

where everyone hates me.

Try mose 1234.

Dwight would never be that obvious.

Try something like, um, z64$8.

Not that exactly, Jim. Something like that.

Okay.

How about "Scranton strangler 666"?

- Nope. - No? Oh. Shoot.

You guys are never

gonna shut down the machine, okay?

But I appreciate your energy and your teamwork.

You apply this to your regular work,

you won't even notice that the device is there,

watching you, ready to strike.

Okay, do you know that doomsday

is normally a last resort, not a first?

Whose brain goes straight to doomsday?

Can you please stop calling it that?

Well, why can't it just alert us that we've made a mistake

- and then let us fix it? - Oh, sure.

That's gonna get us working really hard, Jim,

in the same way that spell check made us better spellers, huh?

Hey, try "smells like chicken soup mix."

That sounds long.

Okay, this is unbelievable, you guys.

I mean, Jim I could expect this from.

Kelly too. Erin just goes along with the pack.

Ryan, obviously.

Meredith, sure.

Stanley, I'm not surprised, but...

What's Dwight's mother's name?

Um, Hedda.

No.

Once you've ready the packet, sign the back.

Hey, Darryl, I was thinking, um,

maybe while we read through this, uh,

you could grab us all some coffee.

My treat.

A $100 bill.

Should cover it, I think.

Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, okay?

I want a decaf frappuccino.

Val?

Actually, Val, why don't you come with?

I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.

- Yeah. Sure. - Uh...

Mm-hmm.

Caramel soy latte.

- No, a decaf frap. - Got it.

You sent the late notice to Rinehart and Wolfe, right?

Mm-hmm. 640, 620.

670,620.

- Uh-uh. - Yes.

588 plus 15%.

- Oh, no. - What does this mean?

- What does it mean? - Andy.

Oh.

Guh. That's five strikes.

Well, I was saving this for my retirement,

which I guess is today.

Dwight, we got five strikes.

- Really? - Did the email go out, or--

It goes out automatically at 5:00 P.M.

Well, there's got to be a way to stop it.

Well, I would have to enter my password

in order to cancel it.

Okay. Dwight, you may now enter your password.

- No. - What?

You don't deserve to have this branch.

Five mistakes in less than a day?

We did our best.

No, you didn't, Phyllis.

You complained the whole time. You yelled at me,

you tried to break into the machine.

What?

You're a real crumb bum, you know that?

Hey, you can't just change the rules

because you don't like the outcome.

What about you, Kevin?

What about you and your fake task?

Can you tell me now where paper comes from?

Uh...the man tree puts his penis--

Okay, all right. Andy, back me up here please.

- No. - What?

No!

Dwight, be human for once. Shut down the machine.

Shut it down! Shut it down!

Shut down the machine! Shut it down!

Good luck finding a new job, idiots.

I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference.

Glowingly negative.

Stanley, do you have any Kahlúa up in there?

With some olives? 'Cause I could really

go for an Andy-tini right now.

- Dwight's car is gone. - I'll bet he went home.

Some of us should go there and try to talk some sense into him.

Get him to stop that email. Pam, you should come with me.

Dwight really likes you and... your breasts are enormous.

- That can help us. - Yeah.

Kevin has that lovability.

Guys, come on.

I'm right here.

Erin, you should come. Everybody loves you.

- Tuna-- - Don't send Jim.

- Definitely. - No, God.

Jim would be the worst person you could send.

I'm just over here laughing

at how dumb it would be to send Jim.

Guys, no one's sending Jim, okay?

Give me a little credit here.

But Jim, I want you to go find Robert.

Just be where he is in case that email goes out at 5:00.

You can try to delete it or something.

Okay, where is he?

He's at some club where you either

eat squash or play squash.

I'll try both.

Tuna, stay away from Schrute Farms.

Guys, let's do this.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- All right. - Okay.

I am done with delegating. Oh.

The buck stops here.

If someone's gonna ruin this office,

I want it to be me.

That's not--

if someone ruins this office,

they have to do it without my permission.

I don't even wanna know about it.

Oh, guys, what other reasons can we give Dwight

not to send this thing?

- It saves electricity. - Okay.

I like it. The eco angle. Saves electricity.

Hey, guys, I think I'm gonna be bad cop.

And good cop.

I'm gonna be like crazy cop.

Dwight Schrute, come out here with your hands up!

I-I'm so nervous.

I feel like I'm gonna say some.

Kev, I'm not gonna spin this.

I don't think you should say anything.

Yes.

Mysterious silent guy.

Yes. Starting now.

Oh. Did you come to reason with me?

Got you something.

And, uh, I just really wanna talk to you.

- Get lost. - Well, now hold on.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Digging a grave for a horse.

Um...

Do you need a hand?

Yeah, you need a hand?

If you hit another horse, you dug too far.

Come on, Pam. Grab a shovel.

Uh, no, Pam's not digging.

We're happy to help, Dwight, but--

- It's fine. - Just really use your back.

Pam.

We're all in it together.

It's good for the fetus.

I have never played squash.

But I've seen it in countless '80s movies,

and it seems like the most common mistake

is that you serve too hard and hit yourself

right in the squash balls, so--

As long as I don't do that, I think I'll be all right.

I never understand why you have to wear all white.

I'll see you next week, Will.

Robert?

Jim, what are you--

what a surprise!

Yeah, well, you know, just had a meeting--

squash meeting.

Yeah?

You up for a game?

A game or a match?

Exactly. Here we go.

Let's do it.

Are you okay, Kevin?

Where you going?

In. I'm hungry.

Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water?

Okay. Take off your shoes.

Except you, Kevin. They stay on.

Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is.

This is the newest addition

built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808.

It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

That's too much doodle and not enough lab.

Yeah, when are they gonna do a labradoodle that's just lab?

That's what I'm saying.

Hey. You're welcome.

Thanks for the coffee.

So tonight I was thinking I'm gonna go to the cemetery,

I'm gonna drink a little wine,

and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.

Are you asking me on a date?

Yes, I am.

Because I don't date coworkers.

It's not personal. It's a matter of policy.

I could quit. Problem solved.

Don't quit.

Good policy. It's sensible, smart.

- You can serve first. - You got it.

All right.

All right. Here we go. Here we go.

Go ahead. Let's serve.

- Come on. - All right.

- Foot fault. - What's that?

- The box. - Oh, right.

Just one foot in, right? Gotta keep it--

- Or both. - Okay.

I like it both.

You should take it again.

All right.

Sorry, I haven't played in a while.

Little rusty.

Weren't you just playing?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, but that guy--uh, he's--

So...

All right, serving.

Serving, serving, serving.

- In the box. - In the box.

How's the bed and breakfast going?

- Fine. - That's good.

Mostly Chinese tourists.

I have a billboard in Suzhou.

I really like your wallpaper.

Thanks. I just put it up.

Yeah, it's pretty.

Yeah. It's cool, with a wink, you know.

Very tuxedos and sneakers.

What do you think, Kevin?

It's not for me.

Well, I guess it's not for everyone.

Yeah. Definitely not for--

More pie?

11-love. I win again.

Ah, good game.

You are a worthy opponent.

You want to play one more?

I don't think so.

No? Come on.

Why?

Not only are you terrible at squash,

but you don't even seem to enjoy it.

Jim, this is not enough of a challenge for me.

Well, that is because you didn't realize that

I was left-handed.

Really?

Oh, really.

You afraid to lose to the real Jim Halpert?

No, let's give the left hand a chance.

Wanna serve?

Uh, yeah.

Are you ready?

- In the box. - Right in the box.

Why haven't we heard anything?

It's 4:45.

There's only 15 minutes left.

Oh, now you can do math?

Where were you two hours ago, "Beautiful Mind"?

I made a mistake. I'm sorry!

I know how to save the company, everyone.

Just write a petition.

Get everyone's signature, including our clients.

March down to Florida...

and shove it up your butt.

It's not that funny.

Oh, Pam, you got something on your shirt.

Oh!

Oh, well.

Pobody's nerfect, right?

Did you just have a stroke, Pam?

It's nobody's perfect.

Nice stroke, Pam.

No, it's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect?

Like, I can't even say those words right.

I haven't heard that before. That's--that's funny.

Hm.

Dwight, there's just the small matter of--

You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie?

Milk.

Any specific animal?

- I'm thinking cow. - Don't say cow. Ugh.

What are you doing? It's five to five.

Just don't talk about the email, okay?

He's gonna cancel it on his own.

- I really think he will. - That's insane.

Just trust me.

Trust you like I trusted Dwight this morning?

I got this.

Well, here I go, delegating the fate of the branch once again.

This time to Pam.

If it works out, lesson learned.

Give the right person the right task.

And it doesn't work out...

No regrets.

Wouldn't have done anything differently.

That was really delicious.

Kinda ruined my dinner though.

We should probably get going.

Um, aren't you guys forgetting something?

The bill.

I got it.

Gratuity's included.

Thanks for everything.

Sive drafely.

Isn't it supposed to be drive safely?

Is that my phone?

Sounded like mine.

No, I think it's mine.

Let me just check real quick here.

All right.

Oh, it's mine. You took it out of my bag.

Oh. Woop. Yeah.

- Can I have it? - Yes.

- Right now? - Yes.

- Here you go. - Whoa, no, wait, wait, whoa!

- Oh, man, I'm sorry. - What the?

- Sorry. - Jesus.

Did it break?

- No, it's good. - Are you sure?

- Yeah. - What kinda iPhone is that?

It's the standard one. The one everyone has.

Oh, yeah, I have the one that nobody has.

Is there anything interesting?

It depends, Jim. Do you find one-day only

JetBlue sales to Buffalo interesting?

No, I don't. No, I don't.

All right.

Well, I am sore, and obviously horrible at this.

My serve!

- Left-handed? - Left-handed.

- Dwight stopped the device. - Oh.

He stopped it!

- Oh, we still have our jobs. - All right.

Whoo-hoo!

Still have our jobs.

They're not my favorite people in the world.

I wouldn't even call them friends.

They come over here, eat my pie,

dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen.

God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?

Just take it easy. Nice and easy.

Ah!

Classic, right?

- Ooh. - I'm all right.

- You all right? - Yep.

- Skinned knee. - Yep.

Agh. Oh.

Put a little ice on that maybe.

Yeah.

- That does not feel good. - Okay, my serve.