Original subtitles

Backorders and you never call them.

Can you believe this?

There's a dog in the car.

You can't leave a dog in a parked car.

Snowboarder? It figures.

Do snowboarders hate animals?

I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car.

Okay, we have to do something

because this is incredibly dangerous.

Oscar, it's not that hot out.

A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.

Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone.

And it's not in direct sunlight.

So what, Andy?

You wanna just let him die, you scumbag?

Here, I'm gonna get in my car.

When I start dying,

I will honk the horn three times.

That means save the dog.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna give him something to drink.

Come here, doggy.

Come on.

Dwight, at least aim it.

There you go. Here, doggy.

He's not even trying. Come here, doggy, come on.

We're losing cloud cover.

Oh, don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.

Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time.

This guy's been gone long enough.

He's lost his right to a window.

Get back, buddy. Get back.

Oscar, what are you-- what--no, hey!

All right.

Yeah!

Nice job, Oscar.

And one for good measure.

Oh!

Yeah!

So, uh--who's gonna take the dog?

Why would we take the dog?

What if he jumps out the window and runs away?

Jim, he's not gonna start--

Shh, stay, stay.

Nein.Sit.

Good.

Oscar, what do you wanna do? This is kinda your deal.

You want a dog?

There we go. That should do it.

- Yeah, it's good. - It'll work.

Nice job.

- Bye, poochie. - Bye.

Woof, woof.

* *

What's that come to?

Like, what did they each win?

Oh man, it's gotta be...

over $100,000.

Yeah, before taxes.

That's still a lot of money.

The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday.

$950,000.

And then they quit.

And, no one else can focus.

This is it.

This is all on my shoulders.

I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work.

I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire

a new warehouse crew.

I'm the one who has to say those things.

Hello?

Justine.

Nice surprise. How you doing, baby?

No, no, no. I didn't win.

When I got promoted, I stopped--

what?

Yeah, yeah. Glen won.

Oh, you wanna call him?

Yeah, you should call him.

Congratulate him. That would be--

what?

Oh, this number is in your old phone.

Oh, you know what?

I might have it right-- whoops.

When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool.

They won...

playing my birthday.

- What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people

winning the lottery.

This will not end well, right?

Yeah.

- We're looking at at least one suicide

- and one weird sex thing. At least.

- I don't even know what I'd do with all that money.

- I know what you'd do with all that money.

"Hey, Pam.

Let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug."

- No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine,

build a house, work in town.

Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to.

And either bike to my job at the kayak shop

or I'd kayak to my job at the bike shop.

- And then on the weekends, would you hackysack

back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?

- Whoa, saucy. I thought you liked Maine.

Yeah, for a weekend,

then I'd get tired of you constantly asking

if you should grow a beard.

Well...

I think we should get a townhouse in soho.

Soho's mostly lofts, but okay.

And then, every morning,

I'd walk out onto my terrace,

and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city.

You know, and just gather ideas for my painting.

Oh, God.

And then my handsome husband--

Which, ideally, would be me.

Would bring me a flavored coffee.

Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy?

Well, in your fantasy, we're Stephen King characters.

I don't know about Stephen King.

Get a divorce. Get a divorce.

I think I would keep working.

And for my salary,

I guess I would take, like, a dollar a year.

Obviously, I wouldn't come in till noon.

And I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do.

I mean, I'm getting paid a dollar a year, okay?

You can chill.

Are you kidding me? Guys?

If I have to ask you to get back to work one more time,

I'm gonna change my tone.

To down here, like Mr. T.

And this would get seriously annoying.

I feel sympathy for the jerks

who have to listen to this all day.

Darryl.

How we doing on the new warehouse guys?

I don't know.

What-- wh-wh-

do we have new guys?

No.

Are they on their way over?

I haven't hired anyone.

What? No warehouse guys?

I have an important order that has to go out by five.

I emailed you about it.

I'm not checking email until lunch.

4-Hour Work Week.

This is kind of time-sensitive.

I got it. I'm doing it.

Andy, this is a seriously big order.

I can't lose this client.

All right, well, until we have a new crew,

let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty.

Who's in?

As long as you guys don't need me up here.

I think we'll be fine.

Really? Nobody's gonna help her?

- Is chivalry dead? - Are you volunteering?

Of course...I would.

But my hip--

I would kill to be at 100%.

Well, guys, I know it's hard work down there, but--

Please. What part of warehouse work

is hard work?

Sitting around on a dirty old couch all day

or waiting for our next hot dog break?

Right? Am I right, people?

Jim, how about you?

Uh, yeah-- I mean,

as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should--

Okay, no, no.

That--you are so not-- oh, God.

False. Andy, I will volunteer.

Great.

And Kevin.

Good old Kevin.

He'll do anything.

Well, guess what?

I will not do a good job.

Not because I won't try, I just--

I'm not your man.

Look somewhere else for a hero.

- Oh, thank you. - Sure.

Wait, wait. What's this?

Oh, sorry.

I thought it was

a guess-your-baby's-birth weight pool.

It says "lotto pool."

Right on top.

Yeah. And I said sorry.

Oh, come on.

You really think I'm gonna have

a 14-pound baby?

I found my dream New York place.

It's a real place where things happen.

For people.

Not lobsters and caribou.

And I know I can't hate Jim's fantasy,

so as hypothetical problems go, I'm having a big one.

I'm having to remind myself that everything's fine.

We're still poor.

When did I get so fat?

You look awesome.

I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here.

Where are we in the process?

I have a file of applicants here.

I just gotta open it, look at it,

interview a bunch of guys, hire some of them.

So I say we're in the early stages of the process.

Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?

They guys did invite me out to celebrate,

but I decided to just stay home.

Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.

You do have a fantastic basement.

I did.

I did have a fantastic basement.

Now it smells like tacos.

You can't air out a basement.

And taco air is heavy.

It settles at the lowest point.

Right, um,

well, how about we take a look at some applications?

This guy wrote his in green ink.

That's pretty cool. Check it out.

Hey.

There you go. There he is.

That is not Darryl.

I don't know where Darryl is.

I suspect, probably,

our Darryl is inside of that Darryl.

Okay. 300 boxes of 20 pound white.

That's 75 boxes per person. So, that's not so bad.

Negative. 300 boxes for me,

0 for you chumps. Deal with it.

Have you seen those warehouse guys work?

When they're not sitting on the couch,

they're sitting on the forklift going three miles an hour.

I'm sorry, I am not gonna pretend it takes eight hours

to do five minutes worth of work.

Nice.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh!

All: oh!

Damn.

Ah!

Yup.

This is one.

Welcome, everybody.

My name is Andy,

and this is my other brother, Darryl.

What? No Newhartfans?

Okay.

Darryl, how do we usually kick things off?

You mean, what did we do the last time

the warehouse won the lottery?

Your old crew won the lottery?

Does anyone have experience

shelving, storing, keeping track--

what do we use? The Dewey Decimal system?

Wait, wait. So, all the old guys quit?

- Oh, yeah. - Well--

One of them, Glen, is starting

one of those fat camps where he steals your kid

in the middle of the night.

Madge and a couple of the guys might start a strip club.

But on a boat.

And Hide is investing in an energy drink

for Asian homosexuals.

Um, could you guys give us a minute?

But stay close. You're all doing great.

Maybe grab a coffee,

or if there's any donuts out,

you can split one.

You know, they're for everybody so people get fussy.

You know what? Just have a donut.

Do you want to talk about this

- not-winning-the-lottery thing? - I don't.

You sure? 'Cause you keep talking about it, so--

Nope. I'm good. I'm here.

Let's find some warehouse workers.

Good, great.

Then, can you say things that aren't like,

a huge bummer to everybody?

'Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Okay.

We need you, okay?

Okay.

- Okay? - Yeah.

All right.

You'd think the three-hole punch paper would be lighter

because of the holes, but it's not.

- Right, Jim? - Yep.

They should use all those holes to make more paper.

- Right, Jim? - Yep.

What's the problem?

Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power.

Ask any female tennis player,

or her husband.

I didn't feel anything.

Okay, I have a question.

Why is the truck so far away?

Yeah, Jim, why is it so far?

Why is it so far away, Jim?

Okay, I just asked that-- and I don't know.

I mean, it seems like the door's huge, right?

So you should be able to back the truck up to the paper.

Yeah, why is it so far away, Jim?

Louder. Louder. Grunt!

Use your-- no, no, no, no, no.

Like this.

Guys, are we--

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I didn't feel anything either.

All right, thank you for coming back in.

Again.

Now we're going to ask you a few questions.

Darryl, you have the floor.

Why do you want to work here?

I need a job.

It's not a good reason.

Good.

Keeping them honest.

Don't just take the first job that comes your way.

'Cause next thing you know,

it's ten years later, and you're still there.

You could write your obituary tomorrow.

It's not gonna change.

Are we scaring them straight?

I hope so.

Think about this carefully.

There's better lives than this one.

I've never been lucky.

And I'm not talking about the lottery.

I'm talking about stuff like

developing a soy allergy at 35.

Who gets a soy allergy at 35?

And why is soy in everything?

So this warehouse has been around for, what,

like 1,000 years, and they never thought

to back the truck up into it?

I guess sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes.

All right.

Okay. Good.

- Back. - Yeah.

That looks good. Back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're doing great!

A little farther away from the wall.

- No, no! - Stop, stop, stop, stop.

- Stop! - Over?

Okay, you gotta cut it. Cut it hard.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Damn it, Dwight.

- Great. - Come on!

Good.

Nice.

Right back where I like you.

Can you make ten copies of this for me?

No.

Why not? What are you doing?

Uh, buying lottery tickets online.

Ah, everyone wants to be rich.

But nobody wants to work for it.

You came in at 10:30 today, right?

Okay, just dismiss it.

- Is everyone licensed? - Like a driver's license?

No. Warehouse license.

Master's in warehouse sciences.

I feel that Darryl has talked about a license of some kind.

- Is this a joke? - No. Not joking.

This is real.

Painfully real, what is happening, right now.

Okay, I'm not gonna make it.

I'm turning back.

There's gotta be a better way to do this.

This is literally how they built the pyramids.

Well, they whipped people, which is helpful.

But you're right.

We should be able to find a more efficient way

of moving boxes than Madge or Hide.

Yeah.

Not that they're not smart people.

No, no. Very smart--

theirs is more of a "physical" intelligence.

I'd go with that.

Like baboons or elephants.

Not that, don't--

Guys, when I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up,

and slide me across the linoleum floor

of the kitchen.

It really made them laugh.

It's a great idea, kev.

I don't think it applies here, though.

So, maybe we just--

Yeah, we move stuff and it was fun.

Kevin, doesn't apply.

Right, my mom--

You need to drop it. Okay?

They hate it.

I like it a lot, but they hate it,

so drop it.

Does anybody get distracted easily by bubble wrap?

You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap.

Obviously. Um--

How much longer is this going to take?

Hey, you guys all live around here, right?

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

You can find-- you know your way around?

You can get in okay? No problems commuting?

- No. - Yeah, I'd be good.

Ah! Hypothetical situation.

You walk into the warehouse.

It's first thing in the morning.

What do you do?

You check in with the foreman.

All right, well, the foreman is sick--salmonella.

Ate some unpasteurized chevre.

- Unpasteurized what? - Goat cheese.

Maybe had it on a salad or something.

Did you hire them?

No, because they all left.

What do you mean, "they left"?

I mean, after you bailed,

I got confused,

and frankly, a little weird.

And the stuff that you said

certainly didn't help.

Then I think you should fire me.

What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you.

Yeah, just put me out of my misery.

Okay, this is weird. I don't--I don't get the joke.

No? Okay.

I don't wanna be here anymore.

Fire me.

So Darryl says to me, "fire me."

But what he really means is,

"I'ma say something really weird.

Try and figure out what it means."

So I say, "no, you're not fired."

But what I really mean is,

"I have no idea what you're talking about.

"But I'm going to go ahead and hire some people

"for the warehouse and hope that

you eventually start feeling better."

I really hope that's what he and I mean.

Attention.

Does anyone know anyone who could work in a warehouse?

We can pay.

Come on, Oscar.

Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton?

Like your wildest fantasy guy?

Bulk or definition?

Definition.

Bruce Kenward. He hangs out at Planet Fitness.

Are those just show muscles,

or is he really strong?

Oh, he's plenty strong.

It used to be Reggie Winters

out at Gold's Gym.

But he moved away.

And then it was between Bruce and this guy, Dean.

Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves,

and, uh,

and his triceps went to hell.

So, I've been thinking,

after we win the lottery, we take our winnings...

Our fake winnings.

And we move to the south of France.

See--no, there's plenty of bicycling for you.

I think that's where they do the Tour de France.

- It is, yeah. - Yeah.

And there's a big art scene for me with impressionism

- and everything. - Mm-hmm.

Johnny Depp lives there.

Now I've always said we'd be best friends.

- Mm-hmm. - Hey, idiot.

What did Erin want again?

A hot chocolate tea.

That's not a thing.

Just take some chocolate, put it in hot water,

and add one of those flowers.

I mean, I just don't know why I'm compromising

if it's my fantasy.

Because in my fantasy,

it's Maine, and you love it.

Because I'm never gonna act like that,

even in your fantasy.

Nope, you--you're doing a great job at it

in my fantasy, right now.

Hey, that smells really good.

Can I have one of those chocolate flower waters?

You mean a Hank's Famous Hot Chocolate Tea?

Gideon, you are a PhD candidate

studying America's diminishing blue-collar work force?

North America.

And diminishing is a little reductive, but, uh, sure.

That's the headline version.

Great.

Well, it will bring a fresh, new perspective

to the warehouse.

F.Y.I., Wednesday through Friday,

I have a pretty full teaching schedule.

Oh. Cool.

We'll figure that out.

Also, F.Y.I.,

ah, I don't technically have a hearing problem.

But sometimes, when there's a lot of noises

occurring at the same time,

I'll hear them as one big jumble.

Uh, again, it's not that I can't hear.

Because that's false. I can.

Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.

Got it. Duly noted.

You.

Coolest tank top I've ever seen.

Where did you get that?

- Made it. - So cool.

What a cross section we have here.

It's what I love about interviewing.

I get to meet all these people

I wouldn't ordinarily meet, or know, or even talk to.

Waterworld,obviously.

Message in a Bottle, The Postman--

- both: Kevin Costner. - Yeah.

So...

I found this grease.

And then I remembered that

you thought it was a great idea.

You did say it was a great idea.

I heard you say it.

So it's not the dumbest idea.

It's not the greatest one--

But the fact remains, we gotta move these boxes.

And it's clear we're not gonna carry them.

So sadly, it's the best idea on the table.

Exactly.

Hey, I think we're ready to get this--

- yup. - Is he okay?

He'll be fine.

Okay. Okay, we are so close.

All we have to do is figure out that corner

- and we're basically there. - I know.

Kevin, we have been friends for a long time, right?

- Egons. - So if I was to ask you

to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner

and act as a human bumper shield--

Okay, Dwight, come on.

Here, I think I have an idea.

I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now, would I?

- No. - Right.

Now, do you want to wear a trash bag, or--

Dwight!

However it's normally done.

Surprise! Your new crew.

Would you just fire me, man?

Hey, why?

Because you didn't win the lottery?

How am I supposed to make you happy?

You wanna make me happy? Huh?

- Yeah. - Give me your job.

- Ah, what? - I'll do it better than you.

I earned it. I deserve it.

I got passed over, God knows why.

Reasons I cannot and will not understand.

The job was mine, Andy.

Everyone said it was mine.

Make me manager or fire me.

I'm not going to give you my job.

It's my job! I earned it!

And here's the thing. You weren't even next in line.

I asked about you. I saw your file.

You have a history of being short with people,

and you hired Glen, your buddy,

to replace you in the warehouse.

He was underqualified. They saw that.

Also, Darryl, F.Y.I.,

I already told this to Andy,

but, uh, you should probably know,

I technically don't have a hearing problem.

It's just when there's a lot of noises--

Nate. Please.

Thank you.

You have no business education.

You were going to take classes under Deangelo.

What happened with that?

He died.

He didn't die. His brain died.

And my brain is very much alive.

And I'd be happy to give you business classes.

How come you haven't asked me about it?

What was-- what was the last--

I'm having a--

No part of this has anything to do with you.

I didn't have time because of my daughter.

Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic.

And a Mediterranean cooking class.

Hey, I'm not gonna tell you this stuff

if you're gonna throw it back in my face!

Hey, here's the thing.

Jo saw something in you. She loved you.

She gave you a shot, and then you stopped pushing.

She noticed.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Okay, don't fire me.

Okay.

My future's not gonna be determined

by seven little white lotto balls.

It's gonna be determined by two big black balls.

I control my destiny.

I do.

I'll put some guys on tonight.

The best of your bunch and my bunch.

Tell you now, though.

It's gonna be mostly my bunch.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Okay, good. All right.

Are they here?

What is going on?

Oh, hey, guys.

Why is the forklift in the wall?

Why is the truck empty?

Uh, it's not totally empty.

Is that grease on my floor?

Okay.

I can see why you're angry. You're coming into this cold.

But believe me, a lot of thought went into this.

And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?

Okay, Darryl.

Listen, and then you will understand.

The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing.

So now, it's cool.

'Cause we found another use for them.

Okay, all right.

That's--look.

All we were trying to do

is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way

to do things.

And?

- And we did. - I don't know.

Jim, tell them what it's called.

That's all right.

No, Jim, tell them what the name is.

Doesn't matter what the name is.

Señor Loadenstein. That's stupid.

Señor Loadenstein.

Tell them why it's called that, Jim.

That's okay. We're good.

Nope, Jim. Tell us why

it's called Señor Loadenstein.

Porque es muy rapido.

Okay. You know what?

It's been a really busy day.

What do you say we put all this away?

Let me see it.

It's, uh, in beta testing.

Let me see it!

Get the thing, go!

Lube it up.

Kevin, start mopping.

Both: Uno, dos, tres.

Ah!

Yeah. I lost my client.

If I won the lottery, I don't know.

I don't think I'd make any changes to my life.

Quit my job. Probably move.

Meet someone.

I'd give 35% to AIDS related charities--

25%. If they can't cure AIDS

with 25%, the extra 10's not gonna make a difference.

At some point, you're just throwing good money after bad.

I'd build the finest mausoleum you've ever seen,

put all my stuff in it, and head on over to the other side.

The first thing I'd buy is new boobs.

For my mom.

She has the worst boobs.

I-it's embarrassing.

I already won the lottery.

I was born in the U. S. Of A., baby.

And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.

I would spend a lot of time

launching my true crime podcast,

The Flenderson Files.

Dum-bum-ba.

Flenderson Files.

We came to an agreement.

We're going to live in a stunning, prewar brownstone

at the top of a mountain.

Right, the city and country combined.

Just a subway stop away are the best museums

in the world.

And I can fish right from the window

of Pam's pottery studio.

We can chat anytime we want.

- Just like now. - Just like now.

Too bad the schools are terrible, but what are you

- gonna do about that? - What are you gonna do?