Original subtitles

Hey, so this

isn't matching up with this,

and I'm not sure which one's right.

Can you just hunt down the original for me?

Yes...me do.

All right.

Hey, Kev, what were you saying before

about the paperwork?

Me do now.

Go.

Stop worry.

Kevin, do you feel okay?

Me feel good. Body strong.

Sleep big last night.

Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.

Yeah, all right, Kevin. Why don't you come with us?

- No, no, guys. - No, he's fine.

- He's always been like that. - No, he hasn't.

I mean, he's gotten worse over the years, but...

He's making a statement.

It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him.

A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.

You keep think that.

Me mechanic not speak English.

But he know what me mean when me say, "Car no go,"

and we best friends.

So me think, why waste time say lot word

when few word do trick?

Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.

Thank.

Here, we have a word code.

The same way we have a dress code.

And what we're talking about is basically

the speech equivalent

to just wearing underpants.

Sometimes, words you no need use

but need-need for talk-talk.

But save time.

More success.

Does it save time, though?

'Cause we've been here for about an hour.

No me fault.

Kevin...

at most, you're saving a microscopic amount of time.

Many small time make big time.

And what are you gonna do with all this time?

See world.

Kevin, you can't possibly save enough time

to see the world.

Kevin, are you saying, "see the world"

or "SeaWorld"?

See world.

Oceans, fish, jump.

China.

No, see? Right there,

that's the problem with your method.

'Cause I still don't know if you're saying SeaWorld

or see theworld,

and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.

Fine. Fine.

I'll talk normally.

When me president,

they see.

They see.

* *

This week, we are rolling out

the brand-new Sabre tablet...

the Pyramid.

Ooh, why is it shaped like that?

So you can tell your clients,

"unleash the power of the Pyramid."

It's huge. How much does it weigh?

- Oh, no, no, no. Without the battery pack

and the optional memory booster,

it's barely three pounds.

- How much memory does it have without the booster?

50 "L."

- I'm sorry, "L"? Mm-hmm.

How many "L" to a "K"?

- You're really gonna want the booster.

- How on Earth are we supposed to sell--

I'll take five.

- Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. This is Dwight's meeting.

When you're a kid,

you picture a pilot going like this.

But then you learn that's crashing the plane.

The right way to do it is more like this.

Or better yet, like this.

- Thank you, the-- I just wanted to pop in

and get your opinions on ties and tie clips.

Which combo do you think Robert's gonna like more?

- Just wear one of your bow ties.

No!

I mean, let him just--

he should just explore other options.

Bow ties, no offense, are a Black thing.

They're for rappers and NBA players.

I cringe when I see Tucker Carlson

trying to pull off a bow tie.

It's like, yeah, Tucker, you're so "street."

- What do you think, C-SPAN?

- C-SPAN?

- Yeah...C-SPAN.

Cocker spaniel.

Spaniel 'cause of your spanish bloodline,

cocker 'cause...

- Is this really the best use of our collective time?

- I am still forming a first impression with Robert.

Once it is formed, we can all relax, okay?

I'm sorry to hijack your meeting, D-Dub-Dog.

Had to pull rank.

Okay. Let's look at some ties.

Here's how I'm gonna help out from now on.

I'm going to not care.

And I'm gonna sit around quietly

waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.

Your friend Neil Patrick Harris

really made me laugh the other night.

This is combo number seven.

- Nope. - Ew.

I don't like that color.

You're right. You're right. You're right. Ugh.

So hard to find an occasion for this clip.

I'd hang on to it, though, 'cause I can think of a bunch

like a '70s themed party

or, like, a '70s themed meeting or a '70s themed convention--

- Sure. - 1870s.

- Thanks, T-Dog. - Yep.

T-Dog? I thought I was T-Dog.

Nope. He means Tuna Dog.

- Tuna Dog! - Look at me and Jim.

One of us is total blind ambition.

The other is, "Whatever, dude. I just wanna smell the flowers."

And we're both in exactly the same place.

Do you know that I have never smelled a flower?

I live on a farm, and I have never smelled a flower.

I just--I wanna enjoy the people around here.

Everyone has a story, and I can't wait to hear them.

D-Dog, you have a message.

Erin, you don't need to call him that.

Andy wants us to, P-Dog.

It's okay, E-Dog. Just who called?

Justine. She said she's coming by later.

Your ex-wife?

Wait, I thought she was a

and you hated her guts.

- Kevin... - Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no. I like her.

Well, I'm just quoting you.

I would never say that about her.

I don't know the woman.

No, man. We get along now.

Real well.

Wow. All right.

Can't wait to meet her.

I'll introduce you.

Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose.

But last night, we put a lot of that to bed.

I can't tell you what I did with my ex-wife last night.

I have to sing it.

* We took a shower *

* We were naked *

* We *

* Scap dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo *

Hi, Dad.

Ah--ohh. Oh, boy.

Hello, Andy. Excellent tie.

Would you be requiring a cold beverage

while you're here?

I'd love some coffee.

It's okay. You've got this, Erin.

I was looking over your projections,

and I think we can do better.

Are you factoring in

the whole national economy... declining and all that?

Andy, do you know why I chose you?

I think I might.

If you picture an airplane pilot, it's--

no, uh, better.

I think I can sum it up with what I think

is your favorite ice cream flavor.

Vanilla.

Vanilla? No, no, no.

You'll never guess in a million,

billion years, you'll never guess.

You were saying you chose me.

There was a reason.

Andy, can you inspire?

Do you have that skill set?

Can I inspire?

I don't know!

I don't know.

I've inspired outrage. I've inspired pity.

Numerous times.

I don't know if I can inspire inspiration.

Oh, thank you.

- Oh, uh-- - Oh, sorry.

Here, just put it down.

Oh.

Mm.

Ah. That is very cold.

Yeah, it's old.

Why would I--

I asked if you wanted a cold beverage,

and you said coffee.

Why don't we get Robert a nice, hot, fresh cup,

and I will have this.

Andy, you don't want that.

I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee.

Mmm.

Sorry.

You like her.

I-I do.

Yeah. She likes you.

You know, we've both been into each other

at different times,

and just never really synced up.

Now we're in this weird dance--

I'm afraid you've lost my interest.

Let me call you back.

I gotta go.

If the office superstore

was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business,

why are we still here?

Yeah.

This is where we go.

You'd go someplace else.

That's not it. That's not the answer.

- It's a answer. - It's a wrong answer.

- There are no wrong answers. - Why are you pushing this?

Take a look at where you are.

Remember the spot where you learned

that your fortune had changed.

Where you once worked in a dying industry,

you now work at its birth.

Those superstores are terrified of us.

Anybody know why?

Wait...they're terrified?

Let me tell you how I buy something these days.

I know what I want, I go on the internet

and get the best price.

Or I don't know what I want,

and I go to a small store

that can help me.

The era of personal service is back.

You are back.

You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices

and then they will thank us,

and we will say to them, "You are welcome."

Ah, thank you.

Ooh!

Andrew, I chose you for a reason.

Lead these people.

Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen.

Last quarter we saw 4% growth.

- Double it. - You got it.

- Double. - Done.

- I'm not kidding. - Neither am I.

It's already done. Ha. I'm just kidding.

- It's gonna take some time. - Double.

Mark where you're standing right now.

Look down and remember that place.

Put a little piece of tape on the floor

with your name on it if you need to.

That is your spot.

Uh-huh.

What the hell are you talking about?

I am...talking about this.

Why is Dunder Mifflin still here?

Oh, for Pete's sakes.

Ooh, wait, I know this one.

I thought the plane was flying pretty well on autopilot.

And then Robert California ran into the cockpit with a gun

and he was like, "Fly this plane to Cuba,

and on the way, bomb Texas."

Well, I don't know how to get there.

Or even how to fly, even.

And I don't have any bombs.

Hey.

Hey...

What's up, guys?

Just thought we'd have a little rap session,

talk about business, see how things are going.

Why don't you start?

If no one else wants to.

I was just thinking about Robert.

Man, what a boss. Just...throws down goals,

you know?

Anyway, how's the sales doubling project going?

How are we supposed to do that?

We can't just press a magic button.

Of course not. There's no magic button.

You have to...

summon that.

If we could just double our sales,

we already would have.

You're not making any sense.

He brings up two good points.

Do you have any new leads,

any new territories you want us to look into,

maybe have an in with a big client

that we could get our foot in the door?

Dwight, anything?

We could talk about how fast children grow up.

And before you know it, they're out of the house.

You know what? We need to get our heads

out of the box.

If we did have something,

what would it look like?

What would it be?

Tuna.

New leads, a new territory to look into,

maybe an in with a big company

that we could get our foot in the door.

Fart.

Good sesh.

That leg's asleep.

Hello.

I'm looking for Darryl Philbin.

Don't--oh...

you must think-- I'm not.

I'm using the fax. This isn't--no, wait.

I'm not supposed to represent the company, right?

There's usually an Erin here.

- Okay. - So...

Darryl! A girl!

* Rub a dub dub *

* With the apricot scrub *

What's up, darling?

Hey, everybody, this is Justine.

- Hello. - Hi, Justine.

- Hi. - This is Jim

- and Oscar. - Hi.

Everybody. Hello.

Kevin.

Can we go someplace private?

Follow me. I got a space.

After you.

I been thinking about you all morning.

I don't know what you did. I can barely walk today.

Jada called me.

During recess.

She asked me when you're moving back in.

What did you say to our daughter?

That we're getting back together?

I just--calm down--

One night together, and you think it's on?

You're an idiot!

I told you it was a one time thing.

Last night was good, baby.

I said touch and go, Darryl.

You get a little touch, and then you go.

Stay the hell away from me.

She was very excited to meet all of you.

She's really great.

D-Bone. There you are.

Let me guess. Somebody needs a brownie!

- Lick the spoon? - No, that's okay.

I just--I wanted to ask you

- about... - Is this about the profits?

Because if it is, I just don't see the point.

It's so Wall Street.

- I know, right? - Right?

- Yeah. - Ha.

Um...

how is everything?

Good. Really, really good.

Must be a tough time to be a family farm.

Oh, it is.

And beets are not immune.

We made some inroads in salad,

but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.

Oof. What are you gonna do about that?

I don't know. What do you mean?

Gotta be some way you could double your beet sales.

You wanted the job. The job is yours.

Just do the job.

And I'll...do mine.

Walnuts?

No!

Have you seen this?

Parenting?Yeah.

This is Cece's favorite magazine.

She loves the pictures of babies.

She looks at it when she's on the potty,

- and she makes the faces-- - Have you read it?

Has an adult member of your family

read this particular issue?

I flipped through it.

So you saw the article on the importance

of taking frequent walks while you're pregnant.

- Of course, yeah. - Everyone knows that.

I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk.

- Would you like to join me? - That sounds nice.

Great.

You have a walking buddy.

I do!

- Hey, Jim. - Yes?

Since your wife is gonna be out walking,

what should we do?

Do you wanna hang out in the break room together,

read magazines about those Persian girls with the big butts

or a sports one?

Uh, nope. I have work to do.

Or is the work doing you?

Oops.

Hey.

Maybe it would help to just talk it over

over a cup of cool, old tea.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

What if you were to just start with your ideas

about how to double profits?

Just say them all, and maybe one of them will rise to the top.

I don't have any ideas, though.

- Well, I have an idea. - You do?

What if Dunder Mifflin were to take on 15 to 20 foster kids?

You'd get huge checks from the government,

and honestly, they would be

ecstatic to live in the warehouse.

It would be like Hogwarts.

Yeah...

I don't think that's legal.

It's a nice thought, though.

What is this?

I just wanted to say congratulations

on your new job, officially.

You didn't have to do that.

I saw it at the checkout counter.

It made me think of you. I don't know why.

I made it into a key chain.

You're the only person who's congratulated me.

There he is. Snack Man.

Snack Attack.

Perfect day for a snack, after a day like yours.

Perfect cheat day, right?

What will it be? Chips? Candy? Giant cookie?

Followed by a soda? Who knows?

Decision has been made.

Ka-chunk. It falls.

Just like the food falls into your stomach.

Have you always worn a belt?

Talk to you later.

Um, what should we talk about?

Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.

Oh, yeah, sure. I hope I can help.

A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant,

and I don't know if I should call social services about it.

Angela, that's pretty transparently me.

Maybe.

You know, it's just herbal tea.

In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!

Yeah, I think you should call social services.

I already did.

You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies

and not pretend like we're in this together.

- Fine. - Fine.

- Thanks for coming in, guys. - You don't have to thank us

for coming in--it's our job.

Well, I never got thanked for coming into a meeting,

and I always wanted to be, so I'm gonna thank people.

What's under the blanket?

This is what's under the blanket.

We...don't get it.

These are incentives.

It's how we're gonna double growth.

Now, you're probably all asking yourselves,

"well, how does this work?"

Seems like a basic reward system

where you give us points

and then we redeem those points for prizes.

You're exactly right, and you get a point.

- Oh! - Is that a vibrator?

- 20 points. - How does one get a point?

I've outlined the exact parameters in an email,

so check your spam folders.

But basically...

you do your job better, you get points.

So...collect 15 points,

and redeem them for this polar bear.

Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator?

It's so gross.

There's lots of stuff.

John Irving, collected works. 22 points.

Or you can pool your points and redeem 55

for this maternity shirt.

How about you want us

- to work harder, pay us more? - I can't.

This point system is really insulting.

Ooh. Well, I didn't mean to offend you,

and I hope you'll forgive me,

because I'm very, very... sari.

- 16 points. - It's a tablecloth.

What do we get for 100 points?

Ah, 100 points. The crème de la crème.

- Cream from France. - Oh.

Wouldn't you just love to take a bath in that cream,

- feel its coolness on your skin? - Nope.

What if went all the way up to 500 points?

That's a crazy amount of points.

- But what if? - Well, what do you want?

I don't know. For such a crazy number,

I'd like something pretty crazy.

All right. For 500 points,

I will wear a dress to work.

Ah!

That's pretty good.

What about, uh, for 1,000 points?

I'll run naked through the parking lot

with a doughnut on my dingdong.

Yeah? You like that?

All right, for 5,000 points,

I will...let you tattoo whatever you want

on the stern of the old S.S. Bernard.

- Oh! - Here we go!

All right, all right, and you are totally serious.

Swear to God, hope to die. Now, let's get to work!

Wait. But you did say we could pool our points, right?

In that case, let's get to work.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Whoo!

We can have it to you by the beginning of next week.

All right, thank you very much.

Uh, Phyllis, Brachen Auto?

Ask for Donald. Karen's bananas.

I just want you to benefit from our...

T-Bag-Bone.

Andrew.

Have you noticed a little bit

of a mood shift around here?

No, I haven't noticed anything.

Really?

Because I sat next to Stanley for years,

and this is naptime.

- Yeah? - Open-eye naptime.

He balances the phone on his shoulder

and just powers down.

Now look at him.

You've got to unleash the power

of the Pyramid.

I don't know what to tell you, man.

You think it has something to do

with that incentive program?

Oh, 100%.

We all want to see you tattoo your ass.

Uh...

I think people thought I was kidding

when I said that.

No, you definitely weren't kidding.

That came across loud and clear.

Oh, by the way, wanna hand this in?

120 points?

Yeah, big sale.

Don't worry about it, though.

I don't really care about the points.

I would like a point receipt, though.

Hey, yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald.

Can you hold on for one second?

Thank you very much.

Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's?

Erin.

Yes, Mrs. Guffner?

Right.

And I'm back.

How are you, sir?

I think you can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?

No, I'm not getting out there anytime soon.

Hey, Kevin. What are you doing?

Don't talk to me!

Hi, Professor Frank.

Andy Bernard, class of '95.

Hey, there.

Um, I'm a huge fan of your management book,

Management.

Um, quick question.

I may be missing a chapter here.

De-incentivizing?

What are your strategies?

Looking for a real blow to morale.

Uh, why?

Well, um, I guess you could say

I'm in one of those classic ass-tattoo incentive situations.

Yes!

Took 'em one day.

Are you ready?

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

I like it.

I like it.

"Do not resuscitate."

Okay, let's keep in mind,

it's not too late to choose another prize.

And there are some great new additions.

My car--

For 1,000 points.

Or best offer.

What else you got?

Oh, and then this was Phyllis's idea.

- Oh, my God! - So nasty, Phyllis.

We were hoping you could do something like this.

So coming out of his butt is a--

- Baby. - Baby.

Yes.

Yeah, no problem.

You should think about this.

Anyone have any better ideas?

I like what we have.

- Yeah, nice try. - Yeah.

For sure what we have.

- It's funny. - It's apropos.

Just need a second outside.

- You getting psyched up? - Yeah.

Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this.

Tunes...

what am I doing here?

Why did Robert pick me?

Confession: I don't know what I'm doing.

I mean, do you like it?

You having fun?

Tell you this,

everybody else is having a lot of fun.

And you did that.

But my ass is only so big.

I mean, I can't do this every day.

But I think it's big enough to buy you some time

till your next great idea.

Which, by the way, I can't wait for.

No one expects me to go through with this, right?

Absolutely not.

Let's ink my stink!

- Andy! - Yeah!

My heart belongs to music.

But my ass belongs to these people.

Whoa!

Good stuff.

Do your worst.

Uh, you can keep your pants on, actually.

If you just drop 'em down a bit,

that'd be great.

They're already off, my good sir.

I'd really prefer they not be down.

Well, I think down's better.

Sweating pretty heavily down there.

Do you think you could work from this?

We made some small adjustments.

- Okay, you want me to-- - Just these few adjustments.

Yeah.

All right, let's begin.

This is where I grin and-- ow! Ow!

That was just a cotton swab.

Invest in softer cotton, sir.

Whew.

Oh, boy.

Oww!

Ohhh! Ho, ho!

Ohhh!

Whoa!

Obviously, you can go the ass tattoo route.

And obviously, I'm gonna like it.

Draw some blood! Ha!

Ahhhhh-haaaaa!

Great tattoo.

- Why did I choose Andy to run the office?

Because he's all surface, uncomplicated.

What you see is what you get.

Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes,

but then again, it might just be

why people fight for him.

It's a Nard Dog.

That's my nickety-name.

- Yeah! - Woo-hoo!

I love it. I love it.

Pull up your pants.

There's something about an underdog

that really inspires the unexceptional.

And if not, I'll fire him in three weeks.

Lot of people want his job.

What the hell?

That's it?

That's what people have been talking about?

That stupid smell?

I mean, it's all right, I guess, but how is that better

than me clawing my way to the top?

It's not even a great odor.

I'll take dirt or a smoking gun barrel

or bacon or blood.

People stop for that?