Original subtitles

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA... ♪♪

GO AHEAD.

MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE.

IT'S MY VERY SPECIAL RECIPE.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT--

HURRY!

OOH! I TOLD YOU.

YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THOSE TOYS!

OH, WOW!

SANTA CLAUS! QUICK. LOOK!

INCOMING!

ALL: AAH! AAH!

TAKE COVER!

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

AAH!

( gunshots )

LET'S GET THEM!

COME ON OVER HERE!

HURRY UP!

IT'S LEE MAJORS!

THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN!

IS THERE A BACK WAY OUT?

YES,

BUT THIS SANTA IS GOING OUT THE FRONT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HAPPENS TO LEE.

THE WORLD COULDN'T AFFORD IT

IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO YOU. STAY PUT!

THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU, LEE.

AND, LEE, YOU'VE BEEN

A REAL GOOD BOY THIS YEAR!

YES, YOU SURE HAVE!

( applause )

ANNOUNCER: 7:00...

PSYCHOS SEIZE SANTA'S WORKSHOP.

EAT THIS!

ANNOUNCER: ONLY LEE MAJORS CAN STOP THEM.

♪ SILVER BELLS... ♪

ANNOUNCER: 8:30, AMERICA'S BEST-LOVED SINGER

♪ IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME... ♪

ANNOUNCER: WHEN IT'S...

♪ RING-A-LING ♪♪

ANNOUNCER: 9:00, IBC PRESENTS AMERICA'S FAVORITE FAMILY

IN A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EPISODE.

HI, MOM. WHERE S DAD?

HE SHOULD BE HOME NOW.

IF I KNOW YOUR FATHER, HE'S CHASING BEAVER.

ANNOUNCER: HERE ON IBC...

SHOW ME THE SCROOGE PROMO.

( "Joy To The World" plays )

IT WAS A COLD, BLEAK CHRISTMAS...

ANNOUNCER: 10:00, IBC PRESENTS LIVE, VIA SATELLITE,

FROM NEW YORK, BETHLEHEM, HELSINKI, WEST BERLIN,

AND THE GREAT BARRIER REEF,

CHARLES DICKENS IMMORTAL CHRISTMAS CLASSIC,

SCROOGE.

STARRING BUDDY HACKETT, JAMIE FARR,

THE SOLID GOLD DANCERS,

AND MARY LOU RETTON AS TINY TIM.

HOSTED BY SIR JOHN HOUSEMAN.

BAH! HUMBUG!

ANNOUNCER: IT WILL TOUCH YOUR EVERY HEARTSTRING.

IT ALL STARTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

CHRISTMAS EVE ON IBC...

OH, MY GOSH. DOES THAT SUCK.

YOU KNOW WHO LOVES MARY LOU RETTON?

MY KIDS.

CHILDREN LOVE AN ACROBAT.

OH, GOD.

WE HAVE SPENT $40 MILLION ON A LIVE TV SHOW.

YOU GUYS HAVE GOT AN AD

WITH AMERICA'S FAVORITE OLD FART

READING A BOOK IN FRONT OF A FIREPLACE!

NOW I HAVE TO KILL ALL OF YOU.

MOTHER, HELP ME.

I DON'T WANT TO BE OUT OF LINE, BUT...

WE'VE BEEN RUNNING THAT SPOT

FOR OVER A MONTH,

AND IT'S GETTING A HELL OF A RESPONSE.

I AM THE YOUNGEST PRESIDENT

IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION FOR A REASON.

I KNOW THE PEOPLE.

GRANTED...

BUT THE PEOPLE WANT TO WATCH THE SHOW.

THAT ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH!

THEY MUST BE

SO SCARED TO MISS IT. SO TERRIFIED!

NOW, IF I WERE IN CHARGE,

AND I AM. HA, HA!

HA, HA, HA!

PERHAPS I CAN HELP YOU.

HERE'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE.

( thunder rumbles )

ANNOUNCER: ACID RAIN.

- ( screaming ) - AAH! AAH!

ANNOUNCER: DRUG ADDICTION.

( groaning ) UHH.

ANNOUNCER: INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM.

FREEWAY KILLERS.

NOW, MORE THAN EVER,

IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.

DON'T MISS CHARLES DICKENS' IMMORTAL CLASSIC, SCROOGE.

YOUR LIFE MIGHT JUST DEPEND ON IT.

( slurp )

NOT BAD, HUH?

I THINK THEY'LL LIKE IT IN THE HEARTLAND.

I WANT IT EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, FRANK.

GET ME STANDARDS AND PRACTICES.

I WANT TO SEE REESE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

MR. CROSS, WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT AD

HAVE TO DO WITH SCROOGE?

NOTHING. WHY?

YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT COMMERCIAL.

YOU RUN THAT,

YOU'RE GONNA FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.

I'M WAY OFF BASE?

YES. YOU RE A TAD OFF BASE, SIR.

IT LOOKED LIKE

THE MANSON FAMILY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.

IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THIS KIND OF FEEDBACK!

THAT'S BECAUSE, UM,

IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER SEEN IT, SIR.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I SPRUNG IT ON YOU.

WELL...

JUST LOSE THE PART WITH THE GUN AND BLOOD.

IF I CAN CHANGE IT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW IN FIVE MINUTES.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THANK YOU.

IN A LOT OF WAYS, WE'RE A LITTLE ALIKE.

SIR...

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THANKS.

THANK YOU.

WE DON'T WANT TO SCARE THE DICKENS OUT OF PEOPLE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THE "DICKENS" OUT OF PEOPLE!

NOBODY GETS IT.

GRACE, WHO IS THAT GUY?

ELIOT LOUDERMILK.

HAVE SECURITY CHANGE HIS LOCKS,

AND TOSS HIM OUT OF THE BUILDING.

HE'S FIRED?

BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS!

THANK YOU!

CALL ACCOUNTING. STOP HIS BONUS.

OOH, A CLEAR SHOT AT HIS BACK.

ELIOT LOUDERMILK. CODE NINE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

THAT'S A PAINTING ONE OF MY KIDS DID.

THERE'S SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS.

HOW MANY FINGERS DOES MRS. CLAUS HAVE?

ELEVEN.

RIGHT. IT'S CRAP. LOSE IT.

ELIOT: SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.

SHE'S AN AMAZINGLY UNDERSTANDING WOMAN.

I'LL SAY, "WE HAVE TO MOVE TO A STUDIO APARTMENT.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND."

MR. CROSS, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS LIST.

I WANT TO GET THIS OVER WITH.

SAMMY GOLDBERG.

BATH TOWEL.

LOU PARKER.

SEND HIM A VHS HOME VIDEO RECORDER.

COLONEL TOM PARKER.

THE BATH TOWEL.

TAMARA FORRISTAL.

VHS.

THERE'S VIRTUE IN TAKING A BUS TO WORK.

HI, FELLAS. THANKS A LOT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

BABALU TOWLOUDES.

THE BATH TOWEL.

ELIOT LOUDERMILK'S LEAVING EARLY TODAY.

GET OUT OF HERE!

DONE! 4 MINUTES AND 40 SECONDS.

GLENN GLENN WHITACRE?

WHAT WAS THE LAST RATING

ON POLICE ZOO?

- 5.2 AND 70 SHARE. - TOWEL!

YOUR BROTHER?

TOWEL.

YOUR ONLY BROTHER.

OH, GOD. GIVE IT TO ME.

( phone buzzing )

GET THAT!

TOWEL, TOWEL.

MR. CROSS OFFICE. UH, THANK YOU.

MOST OF THESE ARE TOWEL.

BE WRONG ONCE, OK?

MR. RHINELANDER'S ON HIS WAY DOWN.

BOOZE. ( burp )

PARDON ME.

( burp ) EXCUSE ME.

GRACE...

PUT YOURSELF DOWN FOR A TOWEL.

NO BONUS?

TOWEL AND A FACE CLOTH.

AW, SHI--

- FRANK. - HEY, PRES.

WHAT A SURPRISE.

GRACE.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME, GRACE. PRESTON.

LOOK AT THIS. MARY LOU RETTON AS TINY TIM.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE FIRST DIRECTOR DIDN'T WANT HER?

HE GO BYE-BYE.

TINY TIM DOESN'T JUST

THROW AWAY THE CRUTCHES AND WALK.

SHE VAULTS OVER A LAMPPOST,

DOUBLE SOMERSAULT,

BACK INTO ONE OF THESE THINGS.

FRANK.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CATS ARE IN THIS COUNTRY?

NO... I DON'T HAVE THOSE... NO.

- 27 MILLION. - ( whistles )

YOU KNOW HOW MANY DOGS?

- IN AMERICA? - 48 MILLION.

WE SPEND $4 BILLION ON PET FOOD.

FOUR...

I HAVE A STUDY HERE WHICH SHOWS

CATS AND DOGS ARE BEGINNING TO WATCH TELEVISION.

NOW, IF THESE SCIENTISTS ARE RIGHT,

WE SHOULD START PROGRAMMING RIGHT NOW.

WITHIN 20 YEARS,

THEY COULD BECOME STEADY VIEWERS.

PROGRAMMING FOR CATS?

WALK WITH ME, FRANK.

( whispers ): CALL THE POLICE!

I'M NOT SAYING BUILD A SHOW AROUND ANIMALS.

ALL I'M SUGGESTING

IS WE THROW IN A LITTLE PET APPEAL.

SOME BIRDS, A SQUIRREL...

- MICE. - MICE. EXACTLY.

REMEMBER KOJAK AND THE LOLLIPOPS?

WHAT ABOUT A COP THAT DANGLES STRING?

THAT'S HIS GIMMICK.

LOTS OF QUICK, RANDOM ACTION.

WASN'T THERE A DORMOUSE IN SCROOGE?

NO. BUT NOW THAT YOU SAY IT,

I ALWAYS FELT IT NEEDED A DORMOUSE.

DORMICE!

BINGO.

THIS SHOW IS THE JEWEL IN THE IBC CROWN.

EVERYTHING IS RIDING ON IT.

DON'T WORRY. I'm OVERSEEING EVERY ASPECT OF PRODUCTION.

WE'LL OWN CHRISTMAS.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.

LUNCH TOMORROW? CHEZ JAY?

- RIGHT. - UP, SID.

STUDY THIS!

THANK YOU.

IF ONLY I COULD FIRE THAT POOR SON OF A BITCH.

HEY, FRANK!

HOLD THAT DOOR, WILL YOU, POPS?

WAIT FOR ME.

BRICE CUMMINGS. WE MET AT SPAGO.

SEEN PRESTON?

PRESTON JUST WENT BACK UPSTAIRS.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THE BIG GUY'S SON.

GIVE ME A CALL WHEN YOU HIT THE COAST.

LET'S GO.

COME HERE! SLAM THIS DOOR, HARD!

( door slams )

I NEED A REPORT ON BRICE CUMMINGS.

HE'S AN L.A. SLIMEBALL.

OKAY, I'M GOING TO LEAVE.

NO. YOU'RE STAYING. WE'RE WORKING LATE.

I'M TAKING MY SON TO THE DOCTOR.

WHEN I WORK, YOU WORK.

I MADE THE APPOINTMENT TWO MONTHS AGO!

I CARE! WE'RE INDIVISIBLE!

IF I'M WORKING LATE, YOU'VE GOT TO WORK LATE!

IF YOU CAN'T WORK LATE, I CAN'T WORK LATE!

IF I CAN'T WORK LATE, I CAN'T WORK LATE!

YOUR BROTHER'S WAITING INSIDE.

OH, AND I DIDN'T TELL HIM

ABOUT HIS GREAT CHRISTMAS TOWEL.

FRANCIS.

A LITTLE BIT ROUGH ON HER OUT THERE, WEREN'T YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY

ABOUT TREATING PEOPLE BADLY ON THE WAY UP?

YEP. YOU GET TO TREAT THEM BADLY

ON THE WAY DOWN, TOO.

IT'S GREAT, GETTING TWO CHANCES TO ROUGH 'EM UP.

( playing "We Three Kings Of Orient" )

WHY DON'T THE COPS DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?

GREAT. RIP OFF THE HICKS, WHY DON'T YOU?

DID YOU LEARN THIS SONG YESTERDAY?

DON'T YOU LIKE CHRISTMAS?

LIKE IT? I LOVE IT!

IT'S COLD.

PEOPLE STAY HOME AND WATCH TELEVISION.

AND REVENUES GO UP 30%.

THESE IDIOTS ARE GOING TO WATCH THE BOOB TUBE TONIGHT.

I'M THE BIGGEST FAN THAT CHRISTMAS EVER HAD.

ANY CHANCE YOU'LL MAKE CHRISTMAS DINNER?

NONE.

COME ON. WHY NOT?

THE WHOLE FAMILY WILL BE THERE.

IT'LL BE FUN.

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WONDERFUL DINNER

WITH YOUR COOL FRIENDS AND REAL POPCORN

AND THE TREE, CRANBERRIES AND EVERYTHING.

SEND CHRISTMAS CARDS ON RECYCLED PAPER.

IT'S A CROCK.

IT'S FOR KIDS.

I LIKE SEEING YOU.

I LIKE BEING WITH YOU.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

TAXI!

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

I THINK YOU DROPPED SOMETHING.

THAT'S MY CAB.

OH, SIR, PLEASE.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

YOU SHOULD BURN IN HELL.

BYE-BYE, GRANDMA.

OH, YOU!

FRANK: I GOT INTO BROADCASTING BECAUSE I LIKE TO GIVE.

SOMETIMES I FOUND MYSELF HURTING FROM GIVING TOO MUCH,

AND I'D SAY, "STOP IT."

I'M ALWAYS GOING TO CHERISH THIS...

AND ALL OF YOU.

( applause )

ELIOT: I SHOULD HAVE WENT IN THERE.

I SHOULD HAVE SAID, "FRANK CROSS--"

AAH!

YOU STINKING--

YOU BIG DOG, YOU! - ( bottle breaks )

( car horn honks )

( car horn honks )

DRIVER: $4.85.

HERE'S $5.00.

- MR. CROSS. - MR. CROSS.

GRACE: WASN'T HE A MEDICAL GENIUS?

CALVIN, I THINK "DOCTOR" IS A LATIN WORD FOR "THIEF".

$200 I DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME YOU DON'T SPEAK.

I'M YOUR MOTHER.

I KNOW YOU DON'T SPEAK...YET.

WE'LL SHOW THEM, HONEY.

YOU'RE GOING TO SURPRISE A LOT OF PEOPLE.

YES, YOU ARE.

YOU START TALKING,

THEN GO TO LAW SCHOOL AND SUE HIS BUTT OFF.

( knocking )

COME!

( knocking )

WHO'S THERE?

( boom )

THIS OFFICE IS CLOSED!

THIS WHOLE WING IS CLOSED!

GRACE! GRACE!

( pounding )

WHOO-WEE!

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

HOW ARE YOU, KID?

WILL YOU, UH...

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME?

I'LL MAKE MYSELF A DRINK.

BANG-O, BANG-O, BANG-O!

BOOM-BA!

BA-BANG, BA-BANG!

BLAM! BLAM!

I DON'T MIND YOU HITTING ME,

BUT TAKE IT EASY ON THE BACARDI.

( squeak squeak )

OH!

AAH!

TO OLD TIMES,

MY FRIEND.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S...

LEW HAYWARD. YOUR OLD BOSS.

YOUR BEST FRIEND.

BUT YOU'RE...

DEAD.

SEVEN YEARS.

THAT LONG?

TO LOOK AT YOU,

I WOULDN'T HAVE GUESSED MORE THAN THREE, TOPS.

FRANK.

FRANK, YOU ARE IN TROUBLE.

BIG TROUBLE.

LET'S JUST SAY-- FOR ARGUMENT'S SAKE--

THAT I AM IN TROUBLE.

WHAT WOULD THAT MEAN?

LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT YOUR FUTURE.

IF YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR WAYS,

YOU'RE GOING TO WIND UP DOOMED LIKE ME.

( coughs )

ONE MINUTE, I'M ON THE 14TH HOLE.

A HEART ATTACK LATER, I'M A WORM FEAST.

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

YOU'RE NOT A WORM FEAST.

YOU'RE A HALLUCINATION

BROUGHT ON BY ALCOHOL--

RUSSIAN VODKA POISONED BY CHERNOBYL.

I'VE BEEN UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.

- I'VE-- - SILENCE!

OUCH!

I HAD IT ALL.

I WAS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY--

FEARED BY MEN,

ADORED BY WOMEN.

ADORED! LET'S BE HONEST, LEW.

YOU PAID FOR THE WOMEN. - I'M WARNING YOU.

DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE AS I DID MINE.

WASTE? YOU'RE A LEGEND.

YOU INVENTED THE MINISERIES.

MANKIND SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY BUSINESS!

CHARITY. MERCY. KINDNESS.

DON'T WAIT. GET INVOLVED.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE. YOU CAN BE SAVED.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS.

THREE GHOSTS.

THREE GHOSTS.

EXPECT THE FIRST ONE TOMORROW AT NOON.

GOD, TOMORROW IS BAD FOR ME.

THE WHOLE WEEK IS A WASHOUT.

MAYBE WE COULD HAVE DRINKS THURSDAY.

YOU, ME, THE GHOST. TRADER VIC'S AROUND 4:00?

THIS IS NO JOKE! IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE!

I COULD SQUEEZE YOU IN FOR BREAKFAST--

AAH!

OH, LEW!

THEY'LL THINK I'M A SUICIDE!

HA, HA, HA!

AAH! OH!

GOD!

WE'RE WAY UP HERE!

GIVE ME A BREAK!

YOU CAN BE SAVED!

YOU'VE GOT TIME!

OH, NO!

NO, PLEASE!

HA, HA, HA!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OH! AAH! AAH!

HA, HA, HA!

AAH! AAH!

( telephone dialing )

( telephone ringing )

HI, THIS IS CLAIRE PHILLIPS.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

HO, HO, HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS.

SPEAK AT THE BEEP.

( beep )

CLAIRE! THIS IS FRANK...

CROSS.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN... 15 YEARS SINCE WE TALKED,

BUT I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

OR MAYBE NOT. I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU, NO MATTER WHAT.

CALL ME AT ANY HOUR.

MY NUMBER IS 674-9565--

- 674-9565-- - ( beep )

DAMN!

WELL?

WELL?

WELL, WHAT?

DID YOU GET THE BONUS?

I'M DRYING MY HEAD WITH IT.

HEY, WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

TRIMMING THE TREE.

WE DON'T HAVE A TREE, MAMA.

WE DO NOW.

NO!

YES.

DON'T PLUG HIM IN!

PLUG HIM IN!

TAKE IT OFF OF HIM!

MOM, HE LOOKS SO PRETTY.

CUTER THAN LAST YEAR.

WHEN WILL WE GET A REAL TREE?

WHEN THEY'RE FREE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MORNING'S PAPER?

WHO'S THAT? SHE'S PRETTY?

SHE'S DEAD, FRANK.

APPARENTLY, THIS 80-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER

WAS WATCHING YOUR SCROOGE PROMO,

AND SHE JUST KEELED OVER.

IT SCARED HER TO DEATH.

THIS IS TERRIFIC!

I KNEW THAT AD WORKED.

YOU CAN'T BUY PUBLICITY LIKE THIS.

AH!

GRACE: EXCUSE ME.

MR. CROSS, YOU'RE NEEDED ON THE SET.

RUN THAT PROMO EVERY 1/2 HOUR

WITH A DISCLAIMER,

"ANYONE WITH A HEART CONDITION

MUST LEAVE THE ROOM."

WHERE WERE WE?

I WAS BEING HAUNTED.

OKAY.

IT'S GOT TO BE REAL GOLD!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND--

YOU CAN'T DO THIS AT THE 11TH HOUR!

I AM THE CENSOR.

I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS COSTUME ON THE AIR.

WHY NOT?

YOU CAN SEE HER NIPPLES.

I WANT TO SEE HER NIPPLES!

THIS IS A CHRISTMAS SHOW!

DICKENS WOULD HAVE WANTED TO SEE HER NIPPLES THEN!

YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THEM NIPPLES.

SEE? THESE GUYS ARE REALLY LOOKING!

GO SHAKE A TAIL FEATHER.

YOU CAN JUST GO.

- WATCH OUT. - AAH!

THANKS, BOYS. GET THE NURSE.

GET THE NURSE!

MAKE SURE HER NIPPLES ARE COVERED UP, WILL YOU?

CLAIRE: LUMPY!

LUMPY!

HI.

I'M SORRY TO JUST--

I DIDN'T GET YOUR MESSAGE

UNTIL THIS MORNING.

I TRIED TO CALL.

THEY SAID YOU WEREN'T IN YET.

SO I JUST--

GOD, YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.

WELL, IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

IT'S YOUR HAIR.

I'VE NEVER SEEN IT SO SHORT.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK SORT OF GROWN-UP.

YO, FRANK! FRANK!

I MEAN, MR. CROSS. CHECK THIS OUT.

IT'S ON THE MONEY.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT, PLEASE?

♪ 5, 6, 7, HIT IT! ♪

- AAH! - CAN I TURN HER HEAD?

NO!

THAT WORKS. SEE?

♪ AND UH, AND... ♪♪

A LITTLE BOOTY HERE FOR YOU.

SEE? SHOW ME A NIPPLE.

YOU HAD TO SEE IT IN CONTEXT.

MOVE HER, PLEASE?

ALLEY-OOP!

IS SHE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?

OH, YEAH. SHE'S A REAL PRO.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU SOUNDED LIKE YOU'D SEEN A GHOST.

A GHOST?

YOU MEAN THE PHONE CALL LAST NIGHT?

I CAME ACROSS YOUR NUMBER AND HAD TO CALL YOU.

I KNOW THAT VOICE.

THAT WAS THE FRIGHTENED LUMPY.

MAN: EXCUSE ME, LUMPY.

PEOPLE HERE CALL ME MR. CROSS.

SORRY. I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

I'LL BET. WHAT?

THIS LITTLE FELLA.

OH!

I CAN'T GET THE ANTLERS GLUED ONTO THIS GUY.

CRAZY GLUE DON'T WORK.

- HAVE YOU TRIED STAPLES? - STAPLES?

DON'T! IF YOU STAPLE THAT MOUSE,

I'LL CALL THE HUMANE SOCIETY!

I WOULDN'T HURT THIS FELLA.

HEY, MARLIN PERKINS, HIT THE ROAD.

I HAVE DOGS...

BEAUTIFUL STORY. TELL READER'S DIGEST.

STAPLES?

SAME OLD CLAIRE...

STILL TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

YOU STILL TRYING TO RUN IT?

MAN: HERE, POP!

HERE, POP! LET'S GO!

GET OUT OF HERE!

YOU CALLED ME.

WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY?

YOU LITTLE WORM.

WHO ARE YOU?

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

MAYBE YOU'LL ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS DOWNTOWN.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

THIS IS MY LITTLE BOY.

YOU BEAT HIM.

DOES HE WORK HERE?

NO. I THOUGHT HE WOULD HAVE FUN

SEEING A LIVE TELEVISION SHOW.

YOU SEE ANYBODY HAVING FUN?

WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU EVER LEARNED

HOW TO BUTTON A COAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW ME. I WAS IN A HURRY.

HEADS UP. LADDER COMING THROUGH.

I'M SORRY I CALLED SO LATE LAST NIGHT.

I MUST HAVE WOKEN UP YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR KIDS.

I NEVER MARRIED.

I'M STILL ON MY OWN.

YOU?

UH, NO.

- NO? - NO.

WOULD YOU HOLD THE GOD DAMN HAMMERING, PLEASE?

FRANK, I BETTER GO. YOU'RE BUSY.

NO! NO, DON'T GO.

WOULD YOU HOLD THE GOD DAMN HAMMERING...

- FRANK-- - PLEASE!

FRANK, WHAT DID HAPPEN LAST NIGHT?

IT WAS SOMETHING I ATE, PROBABLY A BAD CLAM.

WE DON'T KNOW YET.

WELL, IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN...

GIVE ME A CALL.

HERE. I'M HARDLY EVER HOME.

I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO CALL

BECAUSE I'M A SEAFOOD NUT,

AND TO NOT EAT CLAMS...

WHAT THE HELL'S LIFE FOR?

( telephone rings )

WOULD YOU, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

AND YOUR OWN BODY,

HOLD THE HAMMERING!

CLAIRE.

IT'S THE TIMES.

THEY WANT A REACTION TO THE WOMAN'S DEATH.

( indistinct )

IT WAS PROBABLY SOMETHING SHE ATE.

HE SAID, "IT WAS PROBABLY SOMETHING SHE ATE."

OH, GEE!

THIS IS FRANK CROSS.

WE AT IBC ARE SHOCKED

BY THIS SENSELESS TRAGEDY.

WOULD YOU PLEASE HOLD THE GOD DAMN HAMMERING!

YOU GOT IT!

AAH!

OH, SHIT!

I'M GOING TO LUNCH.

SO, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING, FRANK?

SO, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING, FRANK?

COULDN'T BE BETTER, PRESTON.

MR. RHINELANDER, HELLO. MR. CROSS.

MAY I GET YOU SOMETHING FROM THE BAR?

YES. I'D LIKE A HIGHBALL.

I'LL HAVE A HIGHBALL, TOO.

YOU HEARD FROM THE EMBASSY?

YES. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WE'RE GOING TO BE SWITCHING LIVE

BACK AND FORTH FROM OUR SCROOGE

WHERE WE'VE GOT LEROY NEIMAN PAINTING THE WALL FOR US.

THEN WE'LL SHOOT OUT TO AFRICA

WHERE THE POPE WILL BLESS THE ZULU NATION--

THE LARGEST BAPTISM EVER.

THAT'S JUST THE POINT, FRANK.

YOU'RE SPREADING YOURSELF TOO THIN,

SO I'VE HIRED SOMEBODY TO WORK WITH YOU.

OH, GREAT.

I KNEW YOU'D BE PLEASED.

I COULDN'T BE MORE PLEASED.

WHO IS IT?

PELEGRINO, ROCKS, TWIST.

WE MEET AGAIN. HOW ARE YOU?

BLUE IS A BAD COLOR FOR NEW YORK.

I REALIZE THIS IS COMING AT YOU FAST.

MY ONLY FUNCTION HERE

IS TO TAKE THE BURDEN OFF YOUR SHOULDERS.

MANY MEN WOULD FEEL THREATENED.

( beep )

THAT'S ME!

YOU ARE GOING TO BE VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS.

EXPECT THE FIRST ONE AT NOON.

I REALIZE THIS IS COMING AT YOU FAST.

MY ONLY FUNCTION IS TO TAKE

THE BURDEN OFF YOUR SHOULDERS.

MANY MEN WOULD FEEL THREATENED.

THAT'S ME!

THIS WATCH IS A BEAUTY.

MY DAD GAVE ME THIS.

AH HAAA!

BUT...

BUT WHEN--WHEN PRESTON HIRED ME THIS MORNING

AS A SORT OF--

A CONSULTANT, I SUPPOSE YOU MIGHT SAY,

I SAID, "CONSIDER ME ONE OF THE TEAM."

MY LACROSSE COACH, HE USED TO SAY,

THERE IS NO "I" IN T-E-A-M.

HERE WE ARE, GENTLEMEN.

HERE'S ONE FOR YOU, SIR,

AND ONE FOR YOU.

BOB-- AAH!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. I--

ARE YOU HIM?

ARE YOU HIM?

ARE YOU HE?

I'LL TAKE IT AWAY.

NOW, DON'T, UH...

DON'T COME APART ON ME, FRANK.

NOW, WHAT WAS THAT

THAT YOUR LACROSSE COACH SAID?

NO, THE POINT IS, FRANK--

ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?

GREAT. YEAH. I'LL HAVE THE CALIFORNIA HEALTH PLATE.

NO DAIRY IN THAT, HUH?

HOW'S THE RACK OF LAMB?

EXCELLENT CHOICE, SIR.

SIR?

OH, MY GOD! AAH!

BO-- BOBBY!

BOBBY, LOOK! SOMEBODY SAVE HIM!

THAT'S A BAKED ALASKA.

THAT'S A DESSERT.

AAH! LOOK! AAH!

OH, NO, SIR. THAT GENTLEMAN HAD MEAT LOAF.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT, SIR.

IT'S NOT-- IT'S FULL OF--

- SIR? - I'LL HAVE--

HAVE?

I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME AIR.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

AAH!

AAH! AAH!

I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WERE RICHARD PRYOR.

( clank )

- GET ME A CAB! - YES, SIR.

( whistles )

( tires squeal )

( crash )

CUT THROUGH THE PARK AND TAKE ME OVER TO--

WHOA! HEY, MAN!

OH! OH!

AAH!

WATCH OUT! AAH!

AAH!

HEY! HEY!

WHOA!

WRONG WAY, JERK!

NICE HIT BACK THERE! SOLID HIT!

AAH! YOU RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!

RELAX, FRANK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

I KNOW ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, FRANK.

YOU SEE...

I'M THE GHOST.

HA, HA, HA!

HA, HA, HA!

HA, HA, HA!

HA, HA, HA!

YOU DON'T MIND IF I SMOKE, DO YOU?

SMOKE! SMOKE! JUST DRIVE!

( tires squeal )

OH, THANKS, PAL. HA, HA, HA!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO?

HA, HA, HA!

THAT'S NOT FUNNY! NOT FUNNY! OH! OH!

ALL RIGHT! PULL OVER! PULL OVER!

HA, HA, HA!

- HA, HA, HA! - WHERE ARE WE?

WHERE ARE WE?

YOU MEAN, WHEN ARE WE?

OH! HA, HA, HA!

( frantic honking )

AAH!

LOOK OUT!

GO BACK TO JERSEY, YOU MORON!

HA, HA, HA!

TAKE ME HOME RIGHT NOW.

YOU GOT IT, PAL.

WELCOME HOME, FRANKIE.

( coughing )

OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS WHERE I GREW UP.

I THOUGHT THEY TORE THIS PLACE DOWN.

THEY DID.

MY DAD HASN'T PUT UP OUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS YET.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

I GET IT.

YOU'RE TAKING ME BACK IN TIME

TO SHOW ME MY MOTHER AND FATHER.

I'M SUPPOSED TO GET ALL GOOSEY AND BLUBBERY.

YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY.

ATTILA THE HUN SAID THAT.

WHEN HE SAW HIS MOTHER,

NIAGARA FALLS.

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

- ( thud ) - HA, HA, HA!

THAT WAS A GREAT JOKE.

I LOVE THAT BIT.

HA, HA, HA!

AH!

QUIET. SOMEBODY WILL CALL THE COPS.

OH, RELAX, FRANK.

THEY CAN'T HEAR US. THEY CAN'T SEE US.

THIS IS NOT LIVE. IT'S LIKE A RERUN.

CHECK IT OUT.

MAN ( over TV ): SEE. HERE I AM.

WE ALL DRINK OUR CHOCOLATE-FLAVORED OVALTINE

TO GIVE US ROCKET POWER--

THE LONE RANGER!

♪ SMILE ♪♪

THAT'S THE--

HA, HA, HA!

HA, HA, HA!

- HELLO, EARL. - HELLO.

HO, HO, HO, HO!

HERE, FRANCIS.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

A CHOO-CHOO TRAIN?

NO, FIVE POUNDS OF VEAL.

AND BOYS AND GIRLS...

BUT, DADDY, I ASKED SANTA FOR A CHOO-CHOO.

THEN GO GET A JOB AND BUY A CHOO-CHOO.

EARL, HE'S ONLY 4 YEARS OLD.

ALL DAY, I LISTEN TO PEOPLE GIVE EXCUSES

WHY THEY CAN'T WORK.

"MY BACK HURTS." "MY LEGS ACHE."

"I'M ONLY 4."

HE'D BETTER LEARN

LIFE ISN'T GIVEN TO YOU ON A SILVER PLATTER!

♪ IT'S TIME TO GO ♪

♪ SO TICKTACKTOE ♪♪

WE'VE ALL BEEN DOING EVERYTHING WE POSSIBLY CAN...

I'M GOING OUT.

BABY, DON'T WATCH TOO MUCH TV.

IT'S BAD FOR YOUR EYES.

OKAY, MOMMY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRANKIE ANGEL.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, MAMA.

NIAGARA FALLS, FRANKIE ANGEL.

I WAS TOUCHED BY A GIFT.

A 4-YEAR-OLD KID RECEIVES

WHAT IN TODAY'S MARKETPLACE

IS A $40 OR $50 PIECE OF MILK-FED VEAL.

FRANK, YOU STILL SPENT THE NEXT 15 YEARS

SITTIN' ON YOUR ASS WATCHIN' TELEVISION.

CHECK THE RECORDS, CHUMP.

I DID STUFF. I PLAYED BASEBALL.

ONCE, I HIT THE HOME RUN THAT WON THE BIG GAME.

THAT WAS THE KID ON THE COURTSHIP OF EDDIE'S FATHER.

THERE WAS ANOTHER TIME, THOUGH,

THAT I WAS RUNNING DOWN A HILLSIDE

THAT WAS COVERED WITH FLOWERS,

AND THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL WITH PIGTAILS--

YOU ARE SO PATHETIC!

THAT'S LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.

WAS IT THE HOMECOMING EPISODE

OF LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE?

IT WAS THE HOMECOMING EPISODE OF LITTLE HOUSE.

SLUGS GOT MORE OUT OF LIFE THAN YOU DID!

HA, HA, HA! NAME ONE.

TAKE ME TO MY OFFICE.

GLADLY!

FRANK: WHERE ARE WE?

GHOST: IT'S YOUR OFFICE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S A CHRISTMAS PARTY.

THEY'VE HAD CHRISTMAS PARTIES HERE

SINCE THE DAWN OF TELEVISION,

TILL YOU TOOK OVER, YOU BIG STIFF.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. PASS THOSE OUT.

♪ WOOLY BULLY ♪

♪ WOOLY BULLY ♪

BROOK. BROOK. HEY, WAIT FOR ME.

♪ HATTIE TOLD MATTIE ♪

♪ LET'S DON'T TAKE NO CHANCE ♪

♪ LET'S NOT BE L-7 ♪♪

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY, FRED!

IT'S FRANK. FRANK, MR. HAYWARD.

FRANK, YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO NOTICE

A BIG CHRISTMAS PARTY GOING ON HERE, DID YOU?

YES. I'M GOING TO BE RIGHT ON IT.

I'M JUST GOING TO FINISH THIS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WHY, THANK YOU, TINA.

FRANK!

FRANK! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, TINA.

YOU WANT TO GET CHINESE FOOD?

YOU SHOULDN'T EAT THAT STUFF.

THEY'RE CUTTING UP ALLEY CATS

AND USING THEM FOR CHOP SUEY.

DON'T EAT THAT STUFF.

YOU IDIOT! GET BACK THERE!

I DON'T BELIEVE MYSELF.

WHAT AN IDIOT I AM!

DID YOU SEE THAT TINA?

FRANKIE, I'M NOT THAT DEAD.

I MUST HAVE BEEN OUT OF MY MIND!

SHE WAS CRAZY ABOUT ME.

NOT THAT ONE, FRANKIE. NOT THAT ONE.

THIS ONE.

YOU TOOK THAT ONE RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.

OH, GOD! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T MOVE SOMEONE

WHO'S BEEN HIT IN THE HEAD.

WHERE DID I GET YOU?

YOU GOT ME RIGHT HERE.

THE SIDEWALK GOT ME BACK HERE.

IT WILL BE QUITE A LUMP.

I'M SORRY. HERE.

IS THIS YOURS?

YES, IT IS. THANK YOU.

YOU HAD SOME THINGS, DIDN'T YOU?

YES.

- HERE. - OH! OH!

ALL RIGHT. TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL GO DOWN FOR IT.

OKAY. GOOD IDEA.

WAIT FOR ME.

YES, I'LL WAIT.

THANKS, LUMPY.

THANK YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO A CHRISTMAS PARTY?

NO.

NEITHER WOULD I.

YOUNG LADY!

DO YOU SHOP HERE OFTEN?

BECAUSE I CAN WALK OVER THERE.

- BARUMM-PUM-PUM! - BARUMM-PUM-PUM!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO GET SOME CHINESE FOOD?

( engine starts )

( cat meows )

FRANK: ALL RIGHT. WHAT S GOING ON?

YOU'LL LOVE THIS.

- FRANK: CLAIRE? - CLAIRE: YEAH?

FRANK: CLAIRE!

YEAH, WHAT IS IT? I'M IN THE TUB.

FRANK: CAN'T WE OPEN THE PRESENTS NOW?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DON'T BE A CREEP. LOOK AT SOMETHING ELSE.

THERE'S A GORILLA CLIMBING UP ON THAT BIG BUILDING.

CLAIRE: HEY, HEY, HEY!

STOP IT.

WHEN CAN WE OPEN THESE?

YOU CAN OPEN ONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS TO OPEN THE REST.

ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DID?

IF IT WERE GOING TO SPOIL,

WE OPENED IT THE NIGHT BEFORE.

YOU WANT TO OPEN THIS ONE?

IS THIS FOR ME?

OHH...

♪ WITH THEIR EYES ALL AGLOW ♪♪

OHH...

KNIVES!

OH, GOD!

OH, LOTS OF KNIVES. MWAAH!

I GOT THESE GREAT KNIVES.

I KNOW. GENSU KNIVES.

THEY'RE REALLY SHARP.

YOU CAN CUT CANS AS EASILY AS TOMATOES.

OKAY. YOUR TURN.

I'VE NEVER LIKED A GIRL ENOUGH

TO GIVE HER 12 SHARP KNIVES.

OKAY. YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS.

"TO LUMP."

"LOVE, CLAIRE."

SUCH AN ANIMAL.

"THE KAMA SUTRA,

THE HINDU ART OF LOVE."

READ THE INSCRIPTION.

NO. YOU READ THE INSCRIPTION.

IT SAYS CHRISTMAS, AND THEN THE REST IS...

IT'S SANSKRIT.

I DIDN'T NEED ANY KIND OF MANUAL.

DON'T BLOW THE ENDING FOR ME, NOW.

DID THAT. - WITH WHO?

DONE THIS.

DONE THIS.

MY BUDDY DID THIS.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU CAN TOUCH A WOMAN SO SHE'LL BARK LIKE A DOG.

RUFF!

RUFF! RUFF! RUFF! RUFF!

RUFF! RUFF!

LASSIE'S COME HOME.

LASSIE, GO GET GRAMPS.

GO GET GRAMPS, LASSIE.

I WONDER IF YOU RE FEMALE. LET'S FIND OUT.

WHAT A NICE COAT YOU HAVE.

I SHOULD GIVE YOU A BATH EVERY WEEK.

RUFF! RUFF! RUFF!

RUFF! RUFF! RUFF!

RUFF! RUFF! RUFF!

GOOD MORNING, KIDDOS!

THIS IS MIKE, THE MAILMAN!

HEY, FRISBEE!

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU!

FRISBEE! THERE HE IS!

I'VE GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR THIS ONE!

WHAT IS IT?

IS IT A PAIR OF MITTENS?

ALL: IT'S A BONE!

MIKE: WHAT COULD IT BE?

A BOOK?

IT'S A BONE!

YOU CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

IT'S A BONE, YOU LUCKY DOG!

IT'S A BONE, YOU BETCHA!

HA, HA, HA!

OH, KIDS, ISN'T THIS TERRIFIC?

LASSIE'S A PRETTY GOOD FRIEND, EH?

ANNOUNCER: AND WE'RE IN FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK, FOLKS.

AUDIENCE: YAY!

YAY!

VERY GOOD, KID. VERY GOOD.

THANK YOU.

HOW MANY RESERVATIONS SHOULD I MAKE?

YES, THERE WILL BE YOU, ME, MY WIFE--

YOUR WIFE'S IN PALM SPRINGS.

OH, YES. I FORGOT. OF COURSE.

I GUESS THEN IT WILL BE YOU AND ME.

HA, HA, HA!

AND FRANK.

HAVE DINNER WITH US TONIGHT, YOU AND YOUR GIRL.

ORDER US A STRETCH LIMO. SEE YOU DOWNSTAIRS.

OKAY.

HELLO. WHY, YOU'RE CLAIRE!

YES, NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, HI, SWEETHEART. MWAAH!

MWAAH! YOU ALMOST READY?

THE NETWORK PRESIDENT JUST INVITED US TO DINNER.

WE'RE GOING TO DAVID AND KATE'S.

WE PLANNED IT FOR A MONTH.

HE DOESN'T MAKE PLANS A MONTH IN ADVANCE.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

THEY'RE OUR BEST FRIENDS. IT COMES ONCE A YEAR.

THANKS, PHIL, BABE.

YEAH, IT IS CHRISTMAS.

IT'S A TIME TO BE A LITTLE BIT LESS SELFISH.

IF YOU COULD PUT MY NEEDS

AND THE NEEDS OF THE FRISBEE SHOW AHEAD OF YOUR NEEDS.

IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME.

- I'M SORRY. - 60 SECONDS.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO YOU.

I'M WILLING TO FORGIVE YOU ONCE IN A WHILE.

I AM.

FRANK, LOOK.

MAYBE WE SHOULD...

SEPARATE FOR A WHILE.

EXCUSE ME.

ESTELLE, WHEN IS THAT LIMO LEAVING?

RIGHT AFTER THE SHOW. YOU KNOW HOW HE IS.

FOR A WHILE... AND SEE HOW IT GOES.

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN UNDER PRESSURE.

OH, IT'S BEEN ROUGH.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL TRY TO COME OVER LATER IF I CAN.

15 SECONDS.

( bell rings )

I'LL TELL THEM THAT YOU GOT HUNG UP.

LUMPY...

AUDIENCE: YAY! YAY!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AUDIENCE: YAY! YAY!

ANNOUNCER: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

OK, KIDDOS...

YOU LEFT CLAIRE FOR FRISBEE THE DOG?

FRANK, LET ME SUM THIS UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!

I'VE MADE A FEW MISTAKES.

I GOT TO LIVE WITH THAT,

BUT I KNOW WHO I AM.

I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

PSST. HEY, FRANK! OVER HERE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I'M ONLY THE GHOST.

SO LONG, SUCKER.

HA, HA, HA!

HOLD ON! HO, TAXI!

I HAVE SEEN YOUR NOBLER ASPIRATIONS

FALL OFF ONE BY ONE TILL THE MASTER PASSION--

GREED-- ENGROSSES YOU.

FAREWELL, EBENEZER.

MAY YOU BE HAPPY WITH THE PATH YOU HAVE CHOSEN.

I AM HAPPY WITH THE PATH

THAT I'VE CHOSEN, YOU BITCH!

I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!

WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?

YEAH, BUDDY, I'M CRAZY!

CRAZY LIKE A FOX!

CRAZY ENOUGH TO SEE THROUGH YOUR LITTLE TRICKS.

I'M BACK. I CAN SEE NOW.

NO ONE COULD HAVE BEEN THAT SIMPLE AND GOOD

AND KIND AND DECENT, YET CARING, WONDERFUL.

NOT ON THIS PLANET,

NOT UNLESS THEY HAD SOMETHING TO HIDE,

SOME TRICK UP THEIR SLEEVE.

YOU WOULDN'T TRICK ME!

DON'T TRY TO TRICK ME BECAUSE I'M BACK!

WE'LL CHECK THINGS OUT AT OPERATION REACH OUT.

STEP ASIDE, GRANDMA.

- GOOD-BYE. - BLOOD DRIVE. $20 A PINT.

COME ON, FOLKS.

AH, HERE'S A HAPPY DONOR. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AH!

WELL, JUST FOR THE RECORD,

YOU LEFT ME.

YOU HAD TO GO SOMEWHERE AND GET YOUR HEAD TOGETHER!

BABY, MY HEAD IS JUST FINE. CHECK IT OUT!

IT'S RIGHT HERE WHERE IT BELONGS!

WHAT'S THE POINT?

IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP?

IT'S NOT LONELY AT THE TOP!

OH, MAYBE AROUND MY BIRTHDAY AND AT SUNSET.

THERE HAVE BEEN A COUPLE WEEKENDS

THAT WOULD HAVE RAISED HELL WITH A NORMAL PERSON.

BUT THAT'S ME. I'M A WIDOW OF BUSINESS.

IT'S MY LIFE! I'VE CHOSEN IT!

AT LEAST I WORK SOMEPLACE THAT YOU CAN FIND

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IT.

OKAY, HERE WE ARE NOW.

WHEN I WANT A WIFE, I'M GOING TO BUY ONE,

AND SHE'S GOING TO BE DEVOTED TO ME,

TO MY WANTS, AND MY NEEDS,

NOT LIKE YOU!

LET'S FACE IT-- YOU TREATED ME LIKE DIRT!

OH, LORD! ANOTHER WILD AND WOOLY ONE.

HONEY, YOU LOOK FROZEN.

COME OVER HERE

AND LET ME GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE.

HI, DICK. HERMAN.

I'M BILLY.

EVA. EVA. THAT'S ME.

OH, COCKTAIL HOUR.

DRINK FOR MR. RICHARD BURTON.

DRINK UP.

HERE, DAVE. DRINK JUST FOR ME.

FOR YOU, DAVE.

AH!

DICK KNOWS HOW TO LIVE.

DICK?

MR. BURTON, MAYBE WE DON'T KNOW

YOU WELL ENOUGH TO CALL YOU DICK,

BUT AFTER EXORCIST II,

WE THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.

COULD YOU DO A LINE FROM HAMLET?

OR THE SANDPIPER?

LEAVE ME ALONE!

DO CLEOPATRA FOR ME, PLEASE, DICK.

PLEASE DO IT FOR EVA.

( imitating Richard Burton ) I AM MARC ANTONY.

ALL THOSE OF ABYSSINIA, TO KNOW THE RAIN

BEFORE NIGHTFALL OF CHEOPS.

I SWEAR. BY THEE I FORSWEAR.

OH, ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS?

NOW BEAT IT BEFORE I BEAT YOU!

FOR HE GOES THERE.

LUMPY, WHAT A SURPRISE!

OH, GOD! OH, GOD! CLAIRE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CLAIRE, WELL, YOU SAID

IF IT HAPPENED AGAIN THAT I SHOULD COME BY.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, I HAVE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT THE PAST,

AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN THAT HAPPENS,

YOU START THINKING,

"I'VE MADE A LOT OF DECISIONS,

"AND WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED

IF I HAD MADE DIFFERENT DECISIONS?"

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT REGRET?

YEAH, I'M TALKING ABOUT REGRET.

THE GOOD THING ABOUT REGRET

IS THAT IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

YOU CAN ALWAYS CHANGE IF YOU WANT TO.

I DEAL WITH THAT EVERY DAY.

DEAL WITH THIS.

I WANT TO TAKE YOU SOMEPLACE RIGHT NOW

AND EAT CHINESE FOOD.

CLAIRE, WE'VE GOT SOME HUGE PROBLEMS THIS TIME!

THERE AIN'T ANY FUSES!

I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE THEY ARE IN A SECOND, HAZEL.

AandP DIDN'T SEND TURKEYS.

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

NOT ONE.

I'LL CALL THEM. COULD YOU WAIT FOR ME?

THEY CAN HANDLE THIS.

JUST BUY SOME FUSES.

WHAT ABOUT THE TURKEYS?

THE TURKEYS ARE AT THE AandP.

IT'S IN THE PHONE BOOK UNDER "A" OR "P".

I'LL CALL THEM.

THESE ARE VERY BIG GIRLS,

AND THEY CAN DO IT.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

NO, CLAIRE, PLEASE. FIRE THESE PEOPLE.

THEY'RE VOLUNTEERS.

THEY'RE HERE OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF THEIR HEARTS.

THEY'RE VOLUNTEERS BECAUSE NO ONE WILL PAY THEM!

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

THEY'RE LIKE THIS EVERY DAY. I GUARANTEE IT!

LOOK. IF YOU'LL JUST WAIT ONE MINUTE,

I'LL MAKE THE PHONE CALL--

NO, DON'T BOTHER, OKAY?

IF YOU'LL WAIT ONE MINUTE,

LET ME FINISH HERE,

I'LL COME WITH YOU, FRANK.

TAKE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE-- SCRAPE THEM OFF.

YOU WANT TO SAVE SOMEBODY?

SAVE YOURSELF.

THAT'S A WONDERFUL ATTITUDE TO HAVE ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

BAH, HUMBUG!

LUMPY...

HEY, DICK, CAN YOU LEND ME $2.00

SO I CAN HEAT MY PLACE?

I BLEW IT ALL ON LIZ. THERE'S A SUCKER INSIDE.

LAST DRESS REHEARSAL. GET IT RIGHT.

♪ PUMPIN, JUMPIN ♪

♪ BUMPIN AND THUMPIN ♪

♪ GET UP AND DANCE ♪♪

BUDDY, IT'S YOUR CUE. GET MOVING.

MR. HOUSEMAN.

"EBENEZER SCROOGE HURRIED PAST THE RAGGED BOYS

"WHO STOOD SHIVERING IN THE SNOW,

"GNAWED AND MUMBLED BY THE HUNGRY COLD,

AS BONES ARE GNAWED BY DOGS."

WHY MUST I BE MOLESTED BY THESE SEA URCHINS?

SEA URCHINS?

BUDDY, BABY, IT SAYS STREET URCHINS.

I SAID STREET. WHY WOULD I SAY SEA URCHINS?

EVERYBODY, WHAT DID HE SAY?

ALL: STREET! STREET!

HE DID? I'M SORRY, BUDDY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

EVERYBODY, DINNER, ONE HOUR!

THAT INCLUDES WALKING TIME!

( bell rings )

YOU'RE DOING GREAT, BUDDY.

WE NEED MORE SNOW OVER HERE. WATCH THAT BOOM SHADOW.

YOU'RE ON MY URCHINS.

OH, FRANK!

BABY, HOW ARE YOU?

WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU. ARE YOU OKAY?

I CALL THE MEAL BREAKS HERE.

I'LL CALL EVERYBODY BACK,

AND YOU CAN TELL THEM IT'S TIME TO GO TO DINNER.

EVERYBODY, FRANK'S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU!

GO AHEAD.

IT'S TIME YOU AND I HAD A LITTLE TALK.

PRESTON ASKED ME TO STOP BY FOR A DRINK.

I'LL TAKE A RAIN CHECK, OKAY?

PAUL, WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED A CIGARETTE.

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

( bell chimes )

HI, FRANK!

COME ON!

COME ON OUT AND PLAY WITH ME.

1, 2, 3, 4

5, 6, 7, 8.

( crash )

1, 2, 3, 4...

5, 6, 7, 8.

OH, UM...

OH!

I'M A LITTLE MUDDLED.

7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4.

OH, I'M SO RELIEVED! IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

OOOOH!

HELLO, FRANK. I'M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

I HAD A FUNNY FEELING. OOOOH...

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SLAP THEM IN THE FACE

JUST TO GET THEIR ATTENTION.

SLAP ME IN THE FACE.

BUT YOU KICKED ME IN THE B--

HUSH, FRANK.

IT'S TIME TO BEGIN OUR JOURNEY.

AND NOW...

CLOSE YOUR EYES...

AND THINK.

NO! YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES! I'M THROUGH--

CLOSE THEM! CLOSE YOUR EYES...

AND THINK... OF SNOWFLAKES...

AND MOONBEAMS AND WHISKERS ON K--

NO PEEKING!

AAGH!

...OF RAINBOWS,

FORGET-ME-NOTS...

OF MISTY MEADOWS...

AND SUN-DAPPLED POOLS.

OH, LOOK.

THERE'S MR. HEDGEHOG.

I WONDER WHERE HE'S GOING.

PERHAPS TO...

HOLLAND!

OH! OH, NO!

OH! HA, HA!

GOD, MY JAW!

SOMETIMES, THE TRUTH IS PAINFUL.

BUT IT'S MADE YOUR CHEEKS ROSY

AND YOUR EYES BRIGHT AS STARS.

IF YOU...

TOUCH ME AGAIN,

I'M GONNA RIP YOUR GOD DAMN WINGS OFF, OKAY?

YOU KNOW I LIKE THE ROUGH STUFF, DON'T YOU, FRANK?

♪ JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE ♪

♪ JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE BELLS ♪♪

HI!

COME ON, CALVIN.

HEY, CALVIN.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, COOLEY FAMILY!

MA, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME GET ME.

I COULD HAVE RODE THE SUBWAY.

NOT THIS LATE BY YOURSELF. ARE YOU READY?

YEAH.

- HI! - HI, MOM!

COME ON, MOM.

- HI, GIRLS. - HI, MOM.

"HI, MOM." IS THAT ALL I GET?

I'M GONNA GET FRESHENED UP.

LEAVE IT ALONE. NO ONE CAN DO IT.

SHASTA, RANDEE, WASH UP.

OKAY, GRANDMA.

♪ THINK OF YOUR FELLOW MAN ♪

♪ LEND HIM A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART... ♪♪

OH, LOOK!

HE DID IT!

HE'S A BRIGHT LITTLE GUY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

HE HASN'T SPOKEN

SINCE HE SAW HIS FATHER KILLED FIVE YEARS AGO.

HE DRIFTED AWAY LIKE SLEEPING BEAUTY.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT GRACE'S HUSBAND HAD DIED.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN SHE WORE BLACK FOR A YEAR?

I REMEMBER HER WEARING BLACK,

BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS A FASHION THING.

PEOPLE WERE WEARING BLACK, YOU KNOW.

OH, FRANK.

MY, MY. POOR FRANK.

IS HE GOING TO BE OKAY?

IT'S HIS CHOICE.

ONLY HE CAN BREAK THE SPELL.

GRACE: YOU'LL BE LAUGHING SOON ENOUGH!

THIS IS CHRISTMAS, HONEY!

PUT SOME LOVE IN YOUR HEART!

GET BACK!

A MERRY CHRISTMAS. GOD BLESS US.

GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE.

LEAVE ME ALONE! MAMA!

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

OH! OH!

COME IN, FRANK, AND JOIN THE FUN!

OH!

AAH! AAH!

A LOVELY FAMILY!

THEY'RE SO HAPPY!

THEY'RE SO HAPPY, BUT SO POOR,

YOU TIGHTWAD!

SHE MAY BE DUE FOR A RAISE.

- MAY BE? - PROBABLY!

MAY BE, PROBABLY, PERHAPS?

I'M--I'M ALMOST POSITIVE.

GET OFF YOUR BROTHER!

THIS BOY IS MINE!

( blowing raspberries )

THAT LOOKS LIKE FUN!

( raspberry noises )

CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

DON'T FORGET-- WATCH THE SHOW.

I'M TAKING CALVIN WITH ME, MAMA.

NO! NO! MORE! MORE!

NEXT STOP'S DOWN... TOWN!

HA, HA, HA, HA!

HA, HA, HA, HA!

OH! UGH!

HA, HA!

HOW WAS YOUR TRIP, FRANK?

HI, CUJO.

( dog barks )

BARK! BARK!

WHAT ARE YOU BARKING AT OUT THERE?

GO. GO.

YOU ARE CRAZY. THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

GET IN THERE.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

STAY HERE.

HO, HO! OH!

MY, WHAT A MERRY FEAST!

IT LOOKS LIKE A BEER COMMERCIAL.

LET'S GO IN.

DON'T VEX ME, FRANK,

OR I'LL FIX YOUR MOUTH SO IT WON'T HOLD SOAP!

A CHRISTMAS PARTY!

I'M SO GLAD I WORE MY PRETTY DRESS.

ON THE ADDAMS FAMILY,

WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DID LURCH PLAY?

ON THE ADDAMS FAMILY,

WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DID LURCH PLAY?

I MAY BE INVISIBLE, BUT I'M NOT DEAF!

WE'LL SAY PIANO.

EHHH!

HARPSICHORD.

A HARPSICHORD, JAMES, YOU DOPE.

YOU KNEW THAT!

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

IT'S THEIR HOUSE. BETTER GIVE IT TO THEM.

- I WOULDN'T DO THAT! - GIVE IT TO THEM.

JAMES, YOU FORGOT TO OPEN YOUR BROTHER'S PRESENT.

THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A TOWEL.

WHAT ABOUT LAST YEAR?

- I DON'T REMEMBER. - I REMEMBER.

A SHOWER CURTAIN!

A BEAUTIFUL SHOWER CURTAIN. GRAY, WITH IBC LOGOS.

IT HAD LITTLE, UH... YEAH!

WHAT DID YOU GET HIM THIS YEAR?

OH! OH! AAA!

I MADE THIS PICTURE FRAME.

WITH HIS OWN LITTLE HANDS.

OH, HOW SWEET.

♪ I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW ♪

♪ I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW ♪

- SHUT UP! - ♪ I-- ♪♪

UH-OH. JACKPOT.

IT'S YOUR BASIC TOP-OF-THE-LINE

PIONEER VCR.

WOW!

I THINK HE MADE A MISTAKE.

I DIDN'T MIX UP THE GIFTS!

MY EX-SECRETARY GOT THE GIFTS MIXED UP.

EVERY YEAR, HE'S TOO BUSY TO COME TO CHRISTMAS DINNER.

WHEN WILL YOU LEARN?

NEVER. HE'S MY BROTHER.

A TOAST TO MY BROTHER FRANK.

I WISH HE WAS HERE.

WERE, GOOFY.

YOU'RE TOO GOOD.

TO FRANK. TO FRANK.

THE RICHEST MAN YOU KNOW.

KEEP THE VCR.

WHAT THE HELL.

IT'S ONLY M-M-MONEY.

IT'S A WRITE-OFF. IT'S TAX-DEDUCTIBLE.

I UNDERSTAND, FRANK.

WHAT BOAT TOOK THEM ALL TO GILLIGAN'S ISLAND?

THIS IS SO EASY!

THE, UH...

YOU GOT TO KNOW!

S.S. MACKEREL.

NO.

LET'S GO NOW.

LEAVE ME ALONE. I KNOW THIS ONE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS ONE. LET'S GO!

DOES EVERYBODY KNOW THIS ONE?

OH, FRANK, LET'S NOT...

FIGHT ANYMORE!

OH, LOOK, FRANK.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A... TOASTER!

OH! OH.

THE BITCH HIT ME WITH A TOASTER.

OH, I LOVE A GIRL WITH SPIRIT!

THIS IS NICE.

WHERE ARE WE? TRUMP TOWER?

WHEW! I'VE SEEN A LITTLE BIT OF THE CITY.

HEY! DOWN HERE! HEY! DOWN HERE!

YO! HEY, JERSEY!

CALL STREETS AND SANITATION!

THANKS FOR THE SHOT.

HEY! HEY!

I'M HAVING THE WEIRDEST DAY!

COP!

HEY, COP!

HELP ME, PLEASE!

HA, HA, HA!

HERMAN!

HERMAN.

COFFEE'S ON ME. COME HERE.

JESUS, GIVE ME A HAPPY ENDING HERE, HERM.

HERMAN.

IT'S DICK.

LIZ SAYS HI.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU THE TWO BUCKS.

HA, HA! UM...

YOU MORON!

YOU JERK!

WHY DIDN'T YOU STAY WITH CLAIRE?

SHE'D HAVE TAKEN CARE OF YOU.

YOU WOULD HAVE EATEN! YOU'D HAVE BEEN WARM!

YOU MIGHT BE ALIVE!

YOU'D BE A PRETTIER COLOR, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

IS THERE A WAY TO GET OUT OF HERE, HERMAN?

IT'S THE DOOR, ISN'T IT?

IT IS THE DOOR, ISN'T IT?

IT'S THE DOOR!

AHA!

THIS HAD TO BE THE DOOR BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY PLACE

THAT DOESN'T SMELL LIKE...

URINE!

OHH... SHIT!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

PAUL, WHERE ARE YOU, KID? I NEED YOU!

YOU! JOKER!

GET OFF THE SET!

YEAH, WE SEE YOU, PAL.

GET OFF THE SET, BY--

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S MR. CROSS!

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

FRANK, YOU LOOK LIKE ERROL FLYNN.

HE'S OKAY.

GO UPSTAIRS TO YOUR OFFICE.

SUPERVISE THINGS. CHECK THE SATELLITE LINKUPS.

WE GOT THREE MINUTES TILL AIR.

BREAK A LEG, EVERYBODY.

I FEEL REAL WEIRD ABOUT TONIGHT.

HEAR THAT, FOLKS? THIS ONE'S FOR FRANK.

THIS IS HIS BABY.

DON'T LOSE IT ON ME, HUH?

IT'S BEEN SUCH AN HONOR

TO WORK FOR THE GREAT FRANK CROSS.

I'LL DINE OUT ON THIS FOR MONTHS.

GRACE WILL TAKE YOU UPSTAIRS.

THINGS MIGHT BE SAFER THAN DOWN HERE.

GOT ANY LAST TIPS FOR ME, HUH?

AAAAH!

GRACE, WATCH THE SHOW!

HE'S HERE FOR ME! GIVE IT TO ME!

YOU THINK I'M AFRAID OF YOU, THE DAY I'VE HAD?

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. COME GET IT, YOU PUSSY.

BRICE!

STOP SCARING FRANK. GET THIS NUTCAKE OUT.

OH, JESUS.

HE'S IN THE SHOW

AS THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE.

HE'S GREAT. HE'LL BE A BIG STAR.

GO WATCH THE SHOW.

WE'RE MAKING HISTORY TONIGHT.

OK VIDEO.

FIVE SECONDS TILL THE OPEN.

WE'LL GO LIVE.

GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE!

TONIGHT, LIVE ON IBC,

THE WORLD PREMIERE TELECAST OF A CHRISTMAS CLASSIC,

CHARLES DICKENS' IMMORTAL SCROOGE.

READY TO ROLL "B."

DON'T SCREW UP.

HOLD THERE, THREE.

ALL RIGHT, COMING UP ON THREE.

3, 2, 1... DISSOLVE IT.

RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.

SLOW PULLOUT ON THREE.

DOWN ON HOUSEMAN, LIGHTS UP.

READY? MIKE HIM.

IT WAS A COLD, BLEAK CHRISTMAS EVE.

THE FOG-DRAPED STREETS OF LONDON...

HOUSEMAN IS WONDERFUL!

GIVE ME THE BEER.

...A PHANTOM THROUGH A DINGY MIST,

OLD EBENEZER SCROOGE.

ALONE IN HIS GLOOMY CHAMBERS...

MAKE THAT MOVE WHEN WE'RE OFF HOUSEMAN.

DISSOLVE THREE.

WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

THEY'RE DORMICE, UNCLE.

DORMICE?

YOU SEE? WORKS LIKE A CHARM.

THEY BRING YOU LUCK.

ARE YOU LUCKY?

YES. YOUR NIECE IS MY WIFE.

I'VE GOT A GOOD JOB, AND IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, SIR.

HOLIDAY, IS IT?

THAT MIGHT BE FOR A WIFE,

ALL RIGHT...

"TO FRANK, THE BEST BROTHER A GUY EVER HAD,

MERRY CHRISTMAS."

♪ WHEN THE SNOW LAY ROUNDABOUT, DEEP AND CRISP AND EVEN ♪

♪ BRAVELY SHONE THE MOON AT NIGHT ♪

♪ BRAVELY SHONE THE MOON AT NIGHT ♪

♪ THOUGH THE FROST WAS CRUEL ♪

♪ WHEN A POOR MAN CAME IN SIGHT ♪

♪ GATHERING WINTER FUEL ♪♪

THIS IS INDEED A NIGHT FOR REVELATION.

THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME

THE TRUE MEANING.

THANK ME NOT, EBENEZER,

FOR SOON, YOU SHALL BE VISITED

BY THE FINAL SPIRIT,

THE THING THAT ALL MEN FEAR THE MOST,

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE.

THANK YOU, SIR.

I'LL BE SO GOOD. I'LL REPENT.

GRRR!

COME HERE.

IF YOU WERE MY FRIEND...

HONEY, I'M HOME!

REMEMBER ME, BOSS...

THE GUY YOU CANNED THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HELLO, RABBIT. HA, HA!

WOULD YOU GIVE ME A RUNNING START?

SURE. 1,001, 1,002...

1,003!

MY GOD! MY BABIES!

AAH! OHH!

AAH! OOOH!

AAAAH!

♪ OH, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT... ♪

COME BACK AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.

I'VE HAD A BAD DAY.

YOU HAD A BAD DAY?

LISTEN TO MY DAY-- I GOT FIRED,

MY WIFE LEFT ME,

SHE TOOK OUR LITTLE BABY DAUGHTER...

WITH HER.

I CAN'T RECALL MUCH AFTER THAT

BECAUSE EVER SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN BLIND, STINKING...

DRUNK!

♪ HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING ♪

ELIOT, I'M HAVING A MUCH WORSE DAY THAN YOU ARE!

MUCH WORSE! REALLY!

♪ HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN BAD... ♪

( gunshot )

♪ SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE ♪

♪ OH HE'S MAKING A LIST ♪

♪ HE'S CHECKING IT TWICE ♪

♪ GONNA FIND OUT ♪

♪ WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE ♪

♪ SANTA CLAUS ♪

♪ IS COMING ♪

♪ TO TOWN ♪♪ - AAAAH!

OOH!

GRRR!

AAOOW!

OH, IT'S YOU... CREEP.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE STUDIO?

WE'RE ON THE AIR.

BACK OFF, BIG MAN.

THAT MAY WORK WITH THE CHICKS, BUT NOT WITH ME.

GRRR!

MAY I?

DID OUR PEOPLE DO THAT?

WE'RE GOING TO GET PHONE CALLS.

( whoosh )

MAN: OOOOH!

VISITING HOURS ARE OVER, MRS. COOLEY.

I JUST GOT HERE.

I KNOW, BUT WE HAVE TO GO.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CALVIN.

I'LL SEE YOU.

( locks door )

THIS IS JUST POSSIBLE FUTURE, RIGHT?

I KNOW THE HEAD OF PEDIATRICS AT NYU.

WE CAN GET THIS KID OUT OF HERE RIGHT AWAY.

THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM.

I'M ALL OVER THIS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!

HA, HA, HA!

WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?

HEY, YOU! BEAT IT!

PLEASE. PLEASE.

LOOK AT THOSE FILTHY LITTLE CREATURES.

IMMEDIATEMENT!

OH, CLAIRE! CLAIRE!

CLAIRE, THEY'RE JUST CHILDREN.

PLEASE, DARLING,

DON'T TELL ME.

I WASTED 20 YEARS OF MY LIFE

ON PATHETIC CREATURES LIKE THOSE.

FINALLY, THANK GOD,

A FRIEND OF MINE SAID TO ME,

"SCRAPE 'EM OFF, CLAIRE.

"YOU WANT TO SAVE SOMEBODY,

SAVE YOURSELF."

I'M SORRY, CLAIRE.

THANKS A LOT, LUMPY.

THAT WAS A LOUSY THING TO DO.

DISNEYLAND?

WENDIE!

OH, NO.

JAMES...

MY BROTHER...

HE'S DEAD.

WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?

WELL, WHEN I GET... BACK...

I'M GONNA...

THERE HE IS! JAMES!

WHO'S IN THERE?

"THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD. I SHALL NOT WANT.

HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES.

HE LEADETH ME IN THE PATHS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS."

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THAT YOU'RE SAYING?

WHAT? THAT I'VE DIED?

WHY SHOW ME THIS STUFF?

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING DEAD!

WHY THE HELL DID YOU BOTHER TO SHOW ME THIS?

JAMES, HELP ME.

NO!

DON'T LET THEM BURN ME, JAMES.

JIMMY, DON'T LET THEM BURN ME!

PLEASE!

I'M IN HERE! OH, GOD!

DON'T LET THEM DO IT!

DON'T LET THEM! I'M IN HERE!

AAAH!

MOM!

I WANT TO LIVE! I WANT TO LIVE!

OH, GOD, I WANT TO LIVE!

I WANT TO LIVE!

I WANT TO LIVE!

I'M ALIVE!

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪♪

HOLY SHIT, WHAT A BREAK!

I'M AT WORK!

OH, GOD, IT'S THE SUN!

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE SUN AGAIN.

I'M ALIVE!

NOT FOR LONG.

MILKMAN!

I'M THE WOODSTOCK BABY!

I'M GONNA START WITH YOU.

YOU'RE ONE OF MY FAVORITES. COME HERE!

♪ I'M ALIVE ♪

♪ AND SO ARE YOU ♪♪

YOU GLAD TO SEE ME, OR IS THIS A SHOTGUN

IN YOUR POCKET?

OKAY. YOU'VE HEARD IT.

GREAT!

DON'T HURT ME.

PINK SIDE!

COMING BACK!

LONG SOLE!

KNOW THIS ONE?

THAT'S MY THING. I'M DOING THIS TO EVERYBODY.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.

I'LL REHIRE YOU AT TWICE YOUR ORIGINAL SALARY

AND MAKE YOU MY VICE PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF PROGRAMMING.

WOULD YOU LIKE MY OFFICE?

NO. I DON'T LIKE YOUR OFFICE.

THAT'S SO YOU!

WHAT'S THE CATCH?

THE CATCH IS YOU TAKE A SHOWER.

YOU ARE RIPE!

THERE'S A PROBLEM HERE.

I WAS LOOKING FOR A FRANCIS XAVIER CROSS.

THAT'S ME, BUT IT'S NOT ME!

THE JEWS TAUGHT ME THIS GREAT WORD-- SCHMUCK.

I WAS A SCHMUCK.

AND NOW...

I'M NOT A SCHMUCK.

( bell rings )

WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT TIME IS IT?

SOMEBODY STOLE MY WATCH.

A QUARTER TO!

WE DIDN'T MISS IT! HA, HA!

- MISS WHAT? - CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

ARE YOU ALONE IN THERE?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN

FOR ONCE IN THIS LIFE.

LOUDERMILK AND CROSS TOGETHER!

MY, WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY!

THERE HAS NEVER BEEN SUCH A DAY!

SAY, THERE!

YOU, LAD!

ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

AND TAKE THREE.

YES, INDEED!

BUY ME THE BIGGEST GOOSE IN ALL OF LONDON.

CAMERA THREE, FOLLOW THE COIN ALL THE WAY DOWN.

I GOT IT!

HOLY SHIT, THAT'S FRANK CROSS!

- HE'S DRUNK! - HE'S NUTS!

HA, HA! HE'S FINISHED.

AAAH!

DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL, AND STAY ON HIM.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - MIKE.

SAY HELLO TO YOUR FOLKS.

MIKE IS DOING GREAT TONIGHT.

THAT'S FRANK CROSS. IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE ON?

WHAT IN THE--

IN THE BOOTH IS ELIOT LOUDERMILK.

ELIOT, HOW WE DOING UP THERE?

OPEN HIS MIKE.

WONDERFUL!

YOU WON'T BE PRESIDENT TOMORROW.

AT LEAST I'M PRESIDENT OF THE NETWORK TONIGHT.

TOMORROW MAYBE NOT.

YOU CAN BET YOUR AUNT SUZY'S ASH CAN ON THAT!

WHY ARE YOU WATCHING TELEVISION ON CHRISTMAS EVE?

THEY'RE PAYING YOUR SALARY, YOU ASS!

WHAT KIND OF A RAT BASTARD IDIOT

WOULD SCHEDULE A LIVE SHOW ON CHRISTMAS EVE?

ONLY YOU, FRANK.

A WEEK AGO, I'D HAVE KICKED YOUR BUTT

RIGHT OUT OF THE BUILDING.

HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

YOU ARE LOOKING AT A GUY WHO TOLD SOMEONE TODAY

TO STAPLE ANTLERS TO A MOUSE'S HEAD

TO FURTHER MY CAREER.

HOW MANY OF YOU PEOPLE HAVE THE BRASS COJONES

TO TRY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

STAY WITH HIM.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING.

FRANK: ALL THESE PEOPLE HAVE INCREDIBLE FAMILIES.

I GOT A GREAT BROTHER. LOOK AT THIS GUY--

MY BROTHER JAMES. LOOK HOW CUTE HE WAS BACK THEN.

MY EARS...THE TAXI DRIVING DOWN THE STREET WITH THE DOORS OPEN.

MY HAIR GREW IN.

NOT YET.

I GOT THIS FOR CHRISTMAS TODAY FROM HIM.

I GAVE HIM A TOWEL. THE VCR IS FROM GRACE, JAMES.

OH.

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING, OKAY?

EXCEPT...

THE S.S. MINNOW, JAMES.

WHAT WAS THE SHIP THAT BROUGHT THEM ALL TO GILLIGAN'S ISLAND?

THE S.S. MINNOW.

NO POINTS THIS ROUND, JAMES.

WAIT!

HOW DID HE KNOW WE WERE PLAYING?

HELLO, WENDIE.

( telephone rings )

OUCH!

CONTROL ROOM! CAN I HELP YOU?

THIS IS RHINELANDER.

WHAT IDIOT PUT THAT MORON ON THE AIR?

BRICE CUMMINGS IS THE IDIOT, SIR.

HE CAN'T TALK NOW BECAUSE HE'S TIED UP.

UH-HUH. YES.

IN FACT, HE JUST SAID YOU WERE A FLATULATING BUTTHEAD.

A BUTTHEAD?

HE SAID HE REALLY LIKED YOU IN A CERTAIN WAY.

( cat screeches )

AWW.

I DROPPED HER! JUST KIDDING.

SHE'S A DOLL. IT'S OKAY.

IT'S A PARTY. COME ON! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE BIT.

BILLY, CHAMPAGNE FOR 250 PEOPLE.

SEND THE STUFF YOU SEND TO ME,

NOT THE STUFF I SEND TO OTHER PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE ON CHRISTMAS EVE

TO HAVE FUN.

CALL PEOPLE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN--

A COLLEGE ROOMMATE, AN OLD ARMY BUDDY, YOUR PERSONAL BANKER.

HEY! I DON'T HEAR ANY PARTYING

IN THAT BOOTH, ELIOT! - GREAT!

( gunshot )

YOU HEARD HIM! PARTY!

WHY WASN'T I INVITED?

YOU SAW WHAT I DID TO THE WINDOW.

SEE WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH?

IT'S A NIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT TO PARTY HEARTY, MARTY.

LOOK AT THIS. CHECK THIS OUT.

WHOA-HO! DON'T BE SO MEAN.

THERE'S A RULE.

THERE'S A TRADITION THAT SAYS

I HAVE TO KISS THIS GIRL ON THE LIPS.

SHE'S JUST UPHOLDING THE LAW.

IT'S A FEDERAL LAW, NOT JUST A STATE THING. I--

OOOOH!

HEY, FRANKIE. WHOA!

WHOA!

( applause )

- YEAH! - I LOVE IT!

COME ON, FRANK.

HUH!

MR. CUMMINGS.

BOY, THAT WAS VERY GOOD,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT WASN'T GREAT.

THERE HAS ONLY BEEN ONE GREAT.

THERE IS A GIRL THAT I WISH I WERE WITH TONIGHT,

AND IT'S A GIRL THAT I LOVED A LONG TIME AGO.

A GIRL THAT I STILL LOVE.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE. IT'S NOT TOO LATE, IS IT?

CLAIRE, DO YOU REMEMBER--

( audience cheering )

LEGS AROUND LIKE THIS, THEN THIS THING HERE.

YOU CIRCLED ME CHANTING, BURNING INCENSE,

BEFORE WE BEGAN.

( laughter )

TONIGHT I THINK WE COULD DO THIS

WITHOUT SERIOUS PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE.

TAXI!

HOW FAST CAN WE GET TO THE IBC BUILDING?

WHICH FLOOR?

♪ AH, DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ TOLL THE ANCIENT YULETIDE CAROL ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ FA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA ♪

♪ LAAAA ♪♪

WE SHOULD BE TAPING THIS.

HA, HA, HA!

NOW, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

THAT HAPPENED BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!

I'M TELLING YOU!

I'M NOT CRAZY. IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!

IT'S...IT'S THE ONE NIGHT OF THE YEAR

WHEN WE ACT A LITTLE NICER.

WE SMILE A LITTLE EASIER.

WE CHEER A LITTLE MORE.

FOR A FEW HOURS OUT OF THE YEAR,

WE ARE THE PEOPLE WE ALWAYS HOPED WE WOULD BE.

IT'S A MIRACLE.

IT'S REALLY A SORT OF A MIRACLE

BECAUSE IT HAPPENS EVERY CHRISTMAS EVE.

IF YOU WASTE THAT MIRACLE,

YOU'RE GOING TO BURN FOR IT.

I KNOW.

YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. TAKE A CHANCE.

YOU DO HAVE TO GET INVOLVED.

THERE ARE PEOPLE HAVING TROUBLE

MAKING THEIR MIRACLE HAPPEN.

SOME ARE HUNGRY AND COLD.

YOU CAN SAY HELLO TO THESE PEOPLE.

YOU CAN TAKE AN OLD BLANKET OR A SANDWICH

AND SAY, "HERE."

I...I GET IT NOW!

AND IF...IF YOU GIVE,

THEN THE MIRACLE CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!

IT'S NOT JUST THE POOR AND THE HUNGRY.

EVERYBODY HAS TO HAVE THIS MIRACLE!

IT CAN HAPPEN FOR YOU!

IF YOU BELIEVE, IT WILL HAPPEN,

AND YOU'LL WANT IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN TOMORROW.

YOU WON'T BE LIKE THOSE BASTARDS WHO SAY,

"CHRISTMAS IS A FRAUD."

IT'S NOT!

IT CAN HAPPEN EVERY DAY,

YOU'VE JUST GOT TO WANT THAT FEELING.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE GREEDY FOR THAT FEELING!

( voice cracking ) YOU'LL WANT IT EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE,

AND IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.

I...I BELIEVE IN IT NOW.

I BELIEVE IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME NOW.

I'M READY FOR IT, AND IT'S GREAT!

IT'S BETTER THAN I'VE FELT IN A LONG TIME.

I...I...I'M READY.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.

LOOK! DID Y'ALL SEE CALVIN!

DID I FORGET SOMETHING, BIG MAN?

GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE.

AH!

( laughter )

OH, NO. LUMPY!

LUMPY, NO.

COME HERE.

YOU'RE LIKE BOATING A MARLIN.

CLAIRE, THE WHOLE WORLD.

THE WHOLE WORLD, CLAIRE.

YEAH! WHOO!

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

AHH.

( applause )

( soft theme playing )

♪ THINK OF YOUR FELLOW MAN ♪

♪ LEND HIM A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE IT'S GETTING LATE ♪

♪ OH, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ FOR YOU ♪

♪ AND ME ♪

♪ YOU JUST WAIT ♪

♪ AND SEE ♪

♪ ANOTHER DAY GOES BY ♪

♪ AND STILL THE CHILDREN CRY ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

YEAH!

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ AND ME ♪ - HA, HA, HA.

♪ JUST WAIT ♪

♪ AND SEE ♪

♪ ANOTHER DAY GOES BY ♪

♪ AND STILL THE CHILDREN CRY ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ HEART ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

FEED ME, SEYMOUR. FEED ME.

COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT

FROM YOU FOLKS OUT THERE. COME ON.

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

LET'S HEAR IT FROM THIS SIDE OF THE THEATER.

THAT'S NO GOOD.

LET'S TRY THE OTHER SIDE OF THE THEATER.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT JUST THE MEN?

COME ON, JUST THE MEN.

OKAY. LET'S HEAR THE REAL MEN.

OKAY. THE WOMEN THIS TIME.

THE REAL WOMEN.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

NOW, YOU WHO WAS MAKING ALL THE NOISE

THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE.

MY BROTHER, THE KING OF CHRISTMAS.

♪ THINK OF YOUR FELLOW MAN ♪

♪ LEND HIM A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE IT'S GETTING LATE ♪

♪ OH, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ FOR YOU ♪

♪ AND ME ♪

♪ YOU JUST WAIT ♪

♪ AND SEE ♪

♪ HEE HEE ♪

♪ ANOTHER DAY GOES BY ♪

♪ AND STILL THE CHILDREN CRY ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ YOU WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW ♪

♪ WE WON'T LET HATRED GROW ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪ ♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪ ♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ FOR YOU ♪ ♪ FOR YOU ♪

♪ AND ME ♪ ♪ AND ME ♪

♪ YOU JUST WAIT ♪ ♪ JUST WAIT ♪

♪ AND SEE ♪

♪ WAIT AND SEE ♪

♪ TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND ♪

♪ AND IF YOU'RE LOOKIN' DOWN ♪

♪ WHOA-O ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ YEAH YEAH ♪

♪ I HOPE WHEN YOU DECIDE ♪

♪ KINDNESS WILL BE YOUR GUIDE ♪

♪ WHOA-OH ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪ ♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪ ♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ FOR YOU ♪ ♪ FOR YOU ♪

♪ AND ME ♪ ♪ AND ME ♪

♪ YOU JUST WAIT ♪ ♪ JUST WAIT ♪

♪ AND SEE ♪

♪ OH OH OH ♪

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♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE NOW ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST A... ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ GOT TO BELIEVE ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT NOW ♪

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♪ ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST A... ♪

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♪ GOT TO... GOT TO BELIEVE ♪

♪ THAT'S RIGHT NOW ♪

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♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪

♪ UH-HUH ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ HEYYYY ♪

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♪ IN YOUR HEART, YEAH ♪

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♪ EVERY, EVERY DAY ♪ ♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE NOW ♪

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♪ WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA ♪

♪ WON'T YA ♪

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♪ AH AH AH AH AH AH AH ♪

♪ WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA ♪

♪ WON'T YA ♪

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♪ ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST A... ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN ♪

♪ GOT TO EVERY DAY GONNA TRY TO ♪

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♪ OH, THAT'S RIGHT NOW ♪

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♪ THAT'S RIGHT THAT'S RIGHT ♪

♪ UH-HUH ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST A... ♪

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♪ GOT TO EVERY DAY, GONNA TRY TO ♪

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♪ HEY, PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ EVERY, EVERY DAY ♪

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♪ TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND ♪

♪ WHOA-OH ♪

♪ AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN ♪

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♪ YEAH YEAH ♪

♪ I HOPE WHEN YOU DECIDE ♪

♪ KINDNESS WILL BE YOUR GUIDE ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪ ♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ AND THE WORLD ♪ ♪ AND THE WORLD ♪

♪ WILL BE A BETTER PLACE ♪

♪ FOR YOU ♪ ♪ FOR YOU ♪

♪ AND ME ♪ ♪ AND ME ♪

♪ YOU JUST WAIT ♪ ♪ JUST WAIT ♪

♪ AND SEE ♪

♪ OH OH OH ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA ♪

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♪ A LITTLE LITTLE LITTLE BIT OF LOVE IN YOUR HEART, YEAH ♪

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♪ A LITTLE BIT OF LOVE A LITTLE BIT OF LOVE ♪

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♪ A GREAT BIG PIECE OF LOVE IN YOUR HEART, YEAH ♪

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♪ WHOA ♪

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♪ AHH ♪

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♪ YEAH YEAH ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

♪ AND OH, YEAH ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ OH, THAT'S RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART ♪♪