Original subtitles

Ohh, Howard!

Ohh, Marina!

I hope you haven't gone overboard with anything too expensive. No!

Oh. You haven't got carried away then?

I like you to think of me as steadier than that,

a rock you can lean on.

I'm involved with a rock(!)

Is there no end to these excitements?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come... Come in, Howard.

Come in. He's in a highly emotional state.

Look at his trembling fingers. He's got the Marina shakes.

I hope you don't mind, Cleggy, but I daren't open it at home. We thought that was your mouth.

You come in here at top speed with your unlawful gift...

It's perfectly innocent.

It's from a secret admirer, but these things can be misunderstood.

Oh, I imagine Pearl does a great misunderstood.

Why are your sleeves rolled up? It's not really you, Cleggy.

You're the most sleeves down person I know.

I'm not changing my lifestyle.

I've been unblocking the drain. That's what I get for Christmas!

You think that's bad? Look what I get for Christmas!

Ow!

I'd sooner have a blocked drain.

Put it away before it blisters my paintwork. How do you think it feels from inside?!

Who gave you that? How long have you had enemies prepared to go to lengths like that?

It's from Pearl.

Oh, well.

That explains it. She says she's fed up with me wearing stuff that's so boring.

Doesn't she know you can't go from boring to totally bananas in one jump?

Can I ask a technical question?

Why the devil are you wearing it?

It's basic survival to pretend you like it.

Can't you tone it down a bit? How?

Well...go and roll in something.

Who'd be seen in that? I daren't roll in anything.

Get one grass stain and she never forgets.

Anyway, it's not really a problem.

You wear it for Christmas, then you put it away for best.

With a bit of luck it's forgotten.

That's never going to be easy to forget. So, that's from Pearl.

What have you got from your secret admirer, whose name escapes me, unless it's Marina?

Another sweater!

But not as dangerous to the spectators.

Suppose one of the women in your life sees you wearing your favourite sweater and it's not hers?

I believe I'm man of the world enough to handle two sweaters.

Here, try this.

What is it? It's not an illegal substance. You won't end up on my sofa.

I have never ended up on anybody's sofa! You have my sympathy, but don't look at me.

It's Christmas, but there are limits. And you've just reached yours.

Just relax. I'm cooking for Clegg and Truly. Now try it. I want a second opinion.

You're looking very ravishing this morning. Have I ever seen your hair out of its tin?

I don't want any personal comments, thank you.

You're only escaping death because it's Christmas.

Give over, woman. Don't look at it like that, you'll burn it to a crisp.

So... you're cooking for Truly and Clegg.

Are they insured?

Just taste it.

Don't tickle it to death. Taste it.

Well?

I hope they still are when they've finished!

Do you think we're doing right? Of course we're doing right.

It's a Christmassy thing. Are you sure it's wise? He shouts!

You say, "Good morning, Mr Sanderson." And when he says it, folk in the next street shout back.

That's in the street. He won't shout indoors.

Your mother used to. She didn't.

She could terrify you quite happily without raising her voice.

I wish she was still with us.

Aww. That's sweet of you, Barry.

She could entertain old Mr Sanderson. Barry!

He's not exactly good company.

He never gets a chance to be. He's always on his own.

I was looking forward to us being on our own. We will be.

As soon as he's had his meal and gone. How long is he stopping?

Let him get his coat off before you throw him out!

I couldn't enjoy my meal if I knew he was on his own.

Why don't we get his meal ready and I'll take it to him? Barry!

Why don't I shut up and practise being nice about old Mr Sanderson?

Thinking like that could improve your entire Christmas.

Promise?

Trust me.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, you busy. There's no fooling you, is there?

I'll come back, maybe Boxing Day. No, I've a job for you. Do what?

I'm not too good in kitchen. More outdoors type.

Since when? Since wife keeps throwing me outdoors.

There's no need to stand out there telling fibs. Tell them inside.

It's not kitchen work. It's man's work.

Have a look at my model racer. I get to play with model racer? It's bigger Christmas than I think.

It's gone belly up. Maybe you can fix it. What are you doing, wandering loose at Christmas?

I told you - thrown out. Wife and me, big row. I need friendly face.

Doesn't she like the one you've got?

What's the row about? Doesn't matter. She just likes big rows.

At Christmas? Especially at Christmas. She thinks, "What kind Christmas is it without big row?"

Why does she like big rows?

She likes way they end - kissy kissy making up.

Doesn't sound too bad. I'm getting too old for making up.

Sooner have row.

Do you think it's true that even black sheep are welcome?

I wouldn't call us black.

I think it's been our destiny to never get past medium grey.

It's never been past off-white for as long as I care to remember.

Some people are so bare-faced. Often barer than that!

At least she's made the effort. It's usually just the skirt that's reaching for heaven.

Let's be charitable. It's Christmas.

Though I must say being charitable tends to kill conversation.

I always try to be charitable on Christmas Day.

Do you feel any better for it?

I always feel ready for Boxing Day!

Here's to a quiet, but convivial Christmas. Just the three of us.

I'll drink to that. In fact, today I'll probably drink to anything.

The three of us! Aye.

And to a simpler Christmas than I once had in the Vice Squad.

Though they were genuinely inventive in their use of mistletoe!

WHEE! WHEE!

WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!

It's been doing that since Entwistle mended it! Very gifted, these people from Hull.

It needs a doctor.

It needs an undertaker.

Don't say that. It's brand new.

I remember a certain Edgar B Westbury. He was brand new.

Young, fit, on the very threshold of life...

..when this number 22 Peckham bus got him straight in one of the healthiest kidneys ever seen.

Have you any more Christmas stories?

Once we've had a drink or two.

He makes them up.

I gave evidence at the inquest. In the witness box. That's where he learnt the storyteller's trade.

WHEE! I suppose I could look at it.

Is he qualified? For interfering? Oh, absolutely.

I used to mend the police station bicycle. Ah, ho!

Those were the days! Bobbies on bicycles.

Well, I'll certainly drink to that.

WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!

I'll get it.

You're very nimble at the old domestics.

I have to keep pace with her next door.

Alvin, promise me you'll never put your hair in curlers.

I only do houseproud so far. The rest of me stays magnificently male. Ask anybody.

What are we having? What are we having?

You're having a treat. I intend to build your strength up for the sale tomorrow.

A treat!

What sort of treat? It can't be bad if she's building our strengths up.

I like to know what I'm eating.

The way you go through it, you've scarcely got time to get to know each other.

Oh, great!

No, no, no. Sit yourself down. Today is staff day off.

Quality time. Spoil the help day.

Today you don't exert yourselves.

A lot like every other day.

You've hurt his feelings now.

I notice you're managing to remain unwounded. I'm more forgiving.

That's good. You'll need to be.

What is it? I've no idea without me glasses.

What does your nose say?

SNIFFS "Why didn't we go to t'restaurant?"

You thought I was a mean old woman, didn't you? Could we answer that after we've eaten?

Oh, lovely! It's lovely.

Well, that was very edible, Alvin. You're a little treasure.

We really did enjoy it, Alvin. I hope you mean that. Cross my thermal underpants and hope to die.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in, Howard!

How did you know it was me? We heard the sweater coming!

Ye Gods!

Think Pearl's trying to tell you something? She just wants to know where he is at all times.

That should do the trick. Nobody will miss him in that.

The electric banana! I can keep it covered.

Buried would be better. What if you're caught wearing that when you should be wearing Marina's?

I'm prepared for any emergency.

Da-da!

Wearing two sweaters could interfere with your life in the fast lane.

I don't think so. I can't see it affecting the real me.

You'll find your pulse getting slower. You'll lose all interest in excitement.

Every kind of excitement?

You'll still enjoy a good book.

Oh, well. No problem, then. You'll still be able to read.

You're having me on!

Have you been drinking? Well, I should hope so.

We came here with that intention.

Tell me, Howard.

In all this cunning deployment of two sweaters,

how do you decide which one should be on top?

You have to take each situation into account.

For instance, now I'm out in the wider world, I shouldn't be showing this one. Dead right!

Not without a public health warning.

This one is more suitable for when I am in the vicinity of Pearl.

Your trouble is that Pearl thinks you're always about to lose your vicinity.

Marina and I are just good friends.

And in order for us to remain good friends, I ought to be wearing her sweater on top.

In case we bump into each other.

Is that likely in Alvin's sitting room?

I was wondering about that.

I'm not saying it's likely,

but there's no harm in being prepared.

Are you all right in there?

Speak up. I can't hear you down there.

I do hope he gets out.

I'm not going in there after him.

New sweaters are inclined to be tight.

Especially Marina's.

At least I'll know where he is. You can see him for miles!

Have another sherry. Oh, I don't think I dare.

You're in no danger of waking up in a house of ill repute in South America! Or even South Yorkshire!

Oh, well, just a small one, then.

Your Howard seemed very happy with his new sweater. Never had it off his back.

I thought he'd hate it. He usually goes for muddy brown.

Oh, they do. They have this affinity with muddy brown. And they say nature makes males more colourful!

Not round here. Not in our day, anyway.

You had a job to distinguish the average male from a hole in the ground. That's their personalities!

They have their reasons for wanting to blend into the background.

He'll not be doing much blending in that sweater!

Is he still wearing it? He left the house wearing it.

Yes, but where was he going?

To Alvin's. To see if they were all right.

Oh, that's very thoughtful. That's suspicious for a start.

Do you think he takes it off when he gets outside?

Well...there's only one way to find out. That's true.

And anyway, we ought to call in on those three men,

make sure they're having some kind of decent Christmas.

You're right.

It is the season of goodwill.

I'll kill him!

That was tasty! We're glad you enjoyed it, Mr Sanderson.

Aren't we, Barry?

Deeply moved.

I shall pay for it. I'll be up half the night! Oh, dear.

Did the windows rattle? I'm sure I heard them rattle.

It's like a knife! No, I tell a lie. Acid.

Like a pool of acid. It rises right up here!

I used to be able to eat anything.

You still do a good impression.

I shall pay for it!

A drop more wine, Mr Sanderson?

They say it helps the digestion.

There's nothing else. I'd like a drop. You've had enough, Barry.

It's Christmas. I'm not driving. Not driving?

How am I getting home? We'll get you home. Have no fear.

Sit down, Barry.

Mr Sanderson's not ready yet.

What a performance! I thought we'd lost you for good.

It'll get easier after the first few times. They said that about my video recorder.

You've got a video recorder?

Not any more.

I bet Christmas looks better now you can breathe again.

You're looking quite puce. He's just a riot of colour this Christmas.

Isn't it a bit warm in here?

It is in two sweaters.

I'm perfectly comfortable, thank you. KNOCK AT DOOR

Whoever it is, I'm reasonably confident I'm wearing the right sweater.

He's been expecting her!

You told Marina you'd be here.

I may have mentioned it casually.

It's not Marina. It's Electric Entwistle.

I hope he didn't get a sweater!

Haven't you been home yet? Been home, ended big row.

Then she started another one. Merry Christmas.

Why is Howard red? It's warm in here. KNOCK AT DOOR

And it's getting warmer. It's Nora Batty, Ivy...and Pearl.

Pearl?!

They'll probably invite us in for a drink, but I think we should keep a clear head.

I'm not sure I've ever had a clear head.

Come in, ladies. Come in. We're trying. You keep getting in our way. Is it going to snow?

Probably, if we stand here long enough!

They're hiding something.

Well, are you letting us in? Do any of you ladies have a sprig of mistletoe?

It's boot toe you lot need!

Are we coming in or aren't we? Were you ever in any doubt?

Mind the step. It's sometimes slippy.

It's not the only one. I hope my old man's there.

Oh, he's here.

You see? There IS a Father Christmas.

I hope they let him in quicker!

This way, ladies. Everyone is pleased to see you.

Merry Christmas, ladies! Get the ladies a drink. Yes.

You look as though you've just been dragged through a hedge! Oh!

Funny you should say that. We were playing with Alvin's motor racer

and he has been driving recklessly under the table!

Got himself into a speed wobble. Too heavy on clutch.

WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!

WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE!

Oh(!) Still playing with toys!

They can do worse.

Right. A drink, ladies.

He's a bit red in the face. How many's he had?

It's warm in here.

You should come to my place. Atmosphere chilly. Why's that?

She thinks I took too long rewiring a Mrs Featherstone.

Is there an optimum time for rewiring a Mrs Featherstone?

Wife thinks so.

Don't leave him on his own, Barry! On his own?!

He's got every organ in his body for company. I just did the tour again.

I know his insides as well as he does! Put the telly on.

He doesn't want the telly. It stops him hearing his stomach.

I think they talk to each other. I think he speaks fluent stomach.

If you can't beat him, join him.

Tell him you've had your appendix out. I'm outclassed.

He's got three holes to my one.

When's he going home?! Oh, Barry! Let his dinner settle.

Settle?! Have you heard it? You call that settling?

I must get him onto some other subject. That's my man.

Good thinking. Executive material.

What do we know about him? What's he done that was interesting?

He can't always have been just a stomach? I think he was in the war.

In the jungle somewhere. That's it, then! Jungle!

That'll do.

Nice cup of tea, Mr Sanderson. Not too strong!

It turns your insides brown.

You must have been quite brown on the outside...when you were in the jungle. Jungle?

I could tell you things about the jungle!

I don't see why we can't walk in, even if the ladies are still there.

I can think of several reasons.

We're only trying to make sure the men have everything they need.

And that's one of the reasons!

It's a Christmassy thing. Love thy neighbour.

Not when his wife's there! Ohh!

I hate that.

Those feelings of inferiority that one is expected to feel as the other woman.

You realise what that makes us?

Very fast on our feet in certain circumstances.

Second-class citizens.

An oppressed minority.

It's true! I go creeping about in dark glasses!

You shouldn't bother.

Skirts that short are not what one could call a disguise.

I hope they go on keeping it in the bottle, the drink.

Can we now settle down to a game of dominoes? Relax now, Howard. You're in a female-free zone.

Ancient people from Hull invented dominoes. As well as gunpowder?

That's how we are. Quick on feet.

We think it's wind from River Humber.

Sounds like just wind to me!

Pull up a chair, Howard. Take the guilt off your feet. I'm not putting that on again for now.

KNOCK AT DOOR The ladies are back!

Don't let them in yet! Give me a minute!

Come on! You can do better than a minute.

Look at the practice you're getting.

Right. Right, let them in.

Why do I care? I'm wearing Pearl's sweater. It's all about forward planning.

You've got some Marina showing. Where? Where?

Oh, he's having me on! It's not showing, is it?

Ladies, ladies! We hoped to catch you in the Christmas spirit. Marina!

Merry Christmas, ladies. Merry Christmas!

Merry Chri...

That face looks familiar.

What are you doing under a table, Howard?

I'm playing with this racing car!

Oh, they do! They play with racing cars.

I once spent an entire evening of Scalextric.

"Come and see my model racing cars," he said.

How was one supposed to know they mean it?!

I've never seen him show more enthusiasm.

Raise you ten.

Oh, and this one used to make a noise like...

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Why aren't you wearing MY sweater? I AM wearing your sweater!

Who gave you that one on top? I'll tell you who gave me this one.

I've nothing to hide. Don't worry. I'll tell you who gave me this one.

Any minute now he'll tell you who gave him that one on top.

He's nearly there. It's coming.

Well, come on, then. Get on with it.

What's the hurry? It's supposed to be Christmas?

Now, Howard.

A friend.

Must be a very good friend.

It was in this shop window.

I thought, "That's Howard."

Call me sentimental, if you like.

You bought him a sweater?! If he doesn't like it, he can take it back. I like it, I like it!

Lovely sweater, Howard.

I made it. Happy Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Pearl. All the best.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Cleggy!

Merry Christmas, Howard.