Original subtitles

you think that

[Music]

I'm

[Music]

Survivor you think that I'm

[Applause]

done thank

you good thank you very much WoW

thank you thank

you all right that's good thank you and

uh and that is my time thank you so much

did you see me trip into my special

that's great that's that sums up my

whole act so uh buckle

up here we go so I know a lot of you uh

saw me get third place on American Got

Talent thank you his uh America's Got

Talent is an amazing show to be part of

it is definitely a little uh weird cuz

it's the largest talent show in the

world but it's like comedy

versus whatever

right like do you like one-legged

unicyclist how about two dogs in a

duffel bag

doesn't make any sense this show and I

don't mind getting third place that's

actually great you know I'm touring all

over and uh well I'm here

tonight well because this is what third

gets

you yeah [ __ ] you Hollywood

I'm going to Greenwood Village

[Applause]

[ __ ] Vegas can suck it

too I'd rather be here any damn

day well I live here it's great you

know I uh again third place is amazing

but the thing is um me getting third

place just proves once again that

Americans have no idea how to [ __ ]

vote

[Applause]

yeah every chance you get you [ __ ] it up

man oh well this guy seems like a real

dumbass huh that's my guy

yeah America's Got Talent though is they

want to like get you to say crazy things

in these interviews so they'll be

they'll be goting me like so Josh do you

think that you're funnier than a little

girl that can sing

pavara I'm sure [ __ ] hope so huh

I know I could hip Checker in the

hallway I

know I never wanted to beat up kids more

my

life little talented shits get out of

here I will say this about America's Got

Talent it's very inclusive uh to the

disabled

Community uh

[Applause]

yeah I mean some people call it

exploitation

[Music]

[Applause]

that's no it is very inclusive show like

you know I have CB paly and there's

amazing acts like Cody Lee he's blind

and artistic man he's amazing such an

amazing tell and then like just all

walks of life like ballerinas with no

arms and like all the way down uh to

magicians I'm not sure what spectrum

that is

but they're definitely on

it again I don't mind getting third

place but do you understand how

humiliating it is

to lose to a [ __ ]

magician I've never been more

embarrassed in my whole life I'm telling

you but here's the thing about magic man

it just gets me so bad because we're a

room full of

adults you guys all understand that

magic isn't [ __ ] real

right you get that right they tell you

up front it's called a

trick okay I'm going to trick you

now and then somehow you're still

like oh my

God where did my nickel

go the [ __ ] creep stole it from you

[ __ ] magic I hate that

[ __ ] look this bunch of [ __ ] I ever

seen in my

life I didn't like magic before this but

now yeah the other day my son tried to

show me a magic trick I was like not in

this

house you see son we have

dignity not like these fake ass Wizards

little Harry Potter

[ __ ] hey you guys want to see a

trick that's actually what a pimp

says and I much rather my son be a pimp

than a magician

[Music]

like listen man I don't know where you

pulled that rabbit out of but I know

where you can stick

it up there with that

[Music]

Geral all right I knew there was some

filthy magic lovers out

there a dark arts [ __ ] come on

M I got to say a lot of you are laughing

but I can see quite a few people just

looking at me

like well he was such a nice boy on

television I'm a real

boy just got my strings cut off

yeah still working it

out it's a Pinocchio joke

guys feel like some of you didn't get

that I don't know why you wouldn't have

got my reference from a cartoon from

the'

40s did you know that there is an actual

like list of all the talents in the

world like there's a huge compile list

of all and like it's a picking order

like of of worth and

value and like it's a very like a huge

list I mean it's like it's so long and

um I actually memorized

it and I was going to give you like a

rundown of what's on the list obviously

we don't have time for the whole

list but like a good example is at the

very top is standup

[Applause]

comedy and then the next run down is

astronauts and then

dolphins and Michael

Jordan and then like I'll just scroll

down down down like a bunch of pages

down then we get to like um improv

groups and then

jug then uh guitar

Axe and then the

Irish and just calm down the list is

still really long you're pretty high up

Irish you're doing good there a very

long list don't be so quick to judge

here

and again you just I just got scroll

down to like interesting

rocks and then like um like like uh chia

pets and then big

kites and then uh down down down we go

I'll just go to the bottom where you

finally get to

mimes and then um uh uh

Mentalist and a mentalist is just a

magician that's smart enough not to call

themselves and then

ventriloquist and then Joe

[Applause]

Rogan and then you'll finally get on

down to the filthy [ __ ] magician

very bottom very bottom very bottom well

here's the thing if you're not getting

my

humor uh that's actually my

fault yeah you see uh I didn't explain

how Comedy

Works so I'm just going to give you a

quick

rundown and again this isn't for most of

you you're doing great

just a couple of

[Laughter]

pockets all right so how a joke

works is I take an

idea and then I go and I take another

idea and then I bring them

together and then when they come

together

that's the funny

part but the only thing

is you got to do the

math so you got to be able to go into

your own head and then figure out

why the other people are laughing

[Applause]

all right well let's see if you can

follow this

one so I got a

neighbor that's

colorblind and he is surprisingly

racist you you guys get it

it's it's because he doesn't see

color that's the part that's

weird that he would Harbor hatred in his

heart I hate that guy

man the other day I went over to his

house I was like listen man it's not

cool to be racist he was like get your

black ass off my P

[Applause]

I was like

[Applause]

sh oh that was a pretty easy one guys

I'm going to step it up

now you know because there's no point in

holding the whole class

back for just a couple of

pockets oh hey that for me oh thank you

was it that bad huh

thought I was doing okay

yeah you know it's bad when a season

serers like hey I've seen a lot of shows

and uh you going to need

this it's not a good sign on the special

you

[Laughter]

know well here's the real deal I do like

drinking but I'm already working with

those speech

impediment and besides I don't know

which one of you sick [ __ ] sent that up

here you see one of you just like I give

this to the

comedian it's a little payback for

Cosby oh [ __ ] all right all right oh all

right oh

yeah they're just making sure we're all

listening yeah you're doing it you're

doing

it so proud of you

guys come a long way

tonight that Cosby thing man that [ __ ]

me up because as a comedian I grew up

looking up to that guy we all watch his

show it was a great show and then that

came out about him and it ruined the

body of

work but here's my thing I always was a

little

suspicious because anytime anybody's

that

clean in

public remember he was always like oh

you can't say the filthy curse

words that just reminds me of those

politicians that are like these

homosexuals are ruining our nation

[Applause]

just just sucking random dicks in

airports

like I can't find enough of these

things remember they busted a senator in

the Minneapolis

Airport it was a little while back they

had a whole thing operation it was

called uh to catch a

senator and they got

one it didn't even take too

long well basically how it worked is

that you go in the men's room and then

you go into one of the Stalls then you

poke your foot under the side to the

next doll and that's a sign that you you

know need a blow

job or whatever makes you fly better you

know all

right all I'm saying guys I I fly a

lot and I'm like well how far I got to

get my leg under here

come on two stalls

over no takers no

tiers all I get is pissed off dudes like

here's some toilet paper [ __ ] off

[ __ ]

magic you get

it you know having a disability is it's

interesting because people always want

to help me with stuff and that's so kind

I do appreciate it uh but here's the

deal for the most part I got it you

know and other thing about me is I'm not

afraid to ask you for help like I know

my limits like let's say there's a pot

of hot soup that needs to be

[Applause]

carried I'm like hey hey please you know

thank yeah I appreciate that man thank

you well what I've come to find is that

more often than not people like hey can

I pour that for you and then they spill

it and I'm like well I could have

[ __ ] done

[Laughter]

it and you robed me of my

Independence that's actually the funny

part

guys cheers everyone

[Applause]

yeah use more next time date

Reaper I ain't feeling

[ __ ] it's just good to be touring you

know with the whole thing with Co is

like you guys understand that I'm coming

in here with um some preex existing

[Applause]

conditions let me tell you when Co

showed up I was like get in line

[ __ ] you're at the back with

bunions and tennis

elbow they're good dudes they'll show

you

around ins and outs

Co though man I mean I've been a

comedian for 20 years doing 200 shows a

year and then the pandemic hit and I

became a homeschool

teacher I was very ill prepared for

that you see folks I'm a comic for a

reason like sorry guys daddy can't help

you with your math homework but if you

need a good dick joke I got

you a big one with curves in

it that's curves

plural I like a good plot

twist I know the whole pandemic I mean

here's the deal I have a I have two kids

I love being a

dad and

uh well thanks I I'll be sure and tell

them you did

[Laughter]

that hey guys that my speci on the seven

people club for

you you guys are understand that I can

[ __ ] hear

[Laughter]

right I have two kids and uh I also have

50% custody of the

kids and uh well if you know anything

about that you know

that's a lot of

custody I think she like sat down and

worked it out that's half of my

time and that's real that's real

time that you don't get back it's real

again I love my kids very

much but it's time to go to your [ __ ]

mom's

house I have a 12-year-old daughter and

uh

she will not shut the [ __ ] up

man oh oh my god

oh again I like her a

lot she's probably in my top

five I just don't know how to tell her

any other way I don't give a flying [ __ ]

about Arana

Grande and then to offset that I also

have a 14-year-old boy living at the

house you guys familiar with these

weirdies I'm telling you it's all I can

do to keep them off the

[Applause]

magic I'm like no

bro oh and he's also been taking a lot

of long showers

yeah and when he finally comes out his

hair isn't even

wet like come on

man you can lie better to

me the other day I I stopped him in the

hallway after a particularly long

shower I caught him I was like hey man

listen I don't give a [ __ ] what you're

doing in there just turn off the [ __ ]

[Applause]

wallart I'm like do you understand how

many laughs I had to get for that

shower that wasn't enough guys

yeah yeah my Boy's ankles are still

dry he's causing the drought

here remember the first couple months of

the lockdown is a just some real dark

days yeah I just thought I'd bring you

back there

I remember the first couple of months of

that lockdown The Whole World's caving

in around me all of us you know we don't

know what the hell is going on you lost

your job you're in your locked in your

house with your

kids just washing your mail and

[ __ ] I tell you man I found myself doing

all these childhood activities you know

like doing puzzles and playing board

games and

crying maybe throw in some long

showers sometimes I'd cry in the

shower just

multitasking I'll tell you this about

the pandemic like I would rather cry

then do a [ __ ]

puzzle [ __ ] I'd rather eat a

puzzle thousand pieces no

problem and then in the morning I [ __ ]

out a rustic farmhouse

which is weird cuz it was a puzzle of a

kitty something that right down

there something's

off so stupid all

[Laughter]

right yeah this right arm uh he's a he's

a busy boy over

there very very very busy uh appendage

for

sure it's like living with a raccoon or

something yeah the sun goes down he got

some [ __ ] to

do it's over there scurrying

around I still don't even know where he

got the watch

[Applause]

yeah the little [ __ ] won't let me look

at it either way

[Applause]

yeah probably got it from a

[Applause]

magician [ __ ]

magic [ __ ] hate mic all

right [ __ ] all right

like at night I'm trying to sleep and

this thing is just up you know this

writing

emails I'm like who could you possibly

be writing

to probably some club foot in Kansas

that's a that's a pretty hard

correspondent right there I can't I

can't imagine a club foot types too

well I don't know why they say this [ __ ]

man I

don't I never write any of this down

it's just

you should see me before the show just

pacing around like oh man I hope it

comes out

again frankly you're lucky I'm even

facing the right

direction

lights oh yeah oh look at this [ __ ] look

at

this no don't encourage him

he didn't earn

that I got dudes running up on me like

yo bro you work out I'm like I can't

even get him to lift a [ __ ]

Fork this is straight py

[Music]

bro you wish you had

this man I've been working out since I

came

out and probably a little in

utero you know what they say the early

baby gets the popy

arm I don't think they really say

that but now that you heard me say it

you you should say

it got to try that at work and let me

know how it goes

uh actually I'm pretty sure I know how

that goes hey Thompson you in early

today well boss you know what they say

the early baby gets the popey arm

huh I'm going to need you to pack your

[ __ ] up and get out of

here okay you've had your turn bud

oh oh okay we'll do it you want this

will this will shut him up all right

look at

[Applause]

this py shadow

puppets I'm going win AGT next time

apparently the only thing that can beat

magic is a injured

[Laughter]

crane you did you see the

shadow 37 more months of

winter [ __ ] mad

now listen I was coming in here tonight

and one of you stopped me out there in

the lobby just so

excited hey I came here just to see

you I was like well I guess you can

[ __ ] go home

yeah mission

accomplished you a

dumbass and if you figured out you're

supposed to stick around um sorry I

called you a

dumbass I was at my hotel the other day

I went to go get some delicious Lobby

coffee you know

is it just me or does every Hotel

somehow managed to make their coffee

taste like it was percolated through a

trucker's

[Music]

ass chunky

yeah that's actually where the term cup

of joe comes

[Music]

from thanks

Joe you made a good

one from his rim to mine

[Applause]

sorry it's so gross

uh you know before I say this crazy [ __ ]

I do have that alarm in my head going

off like hey dude don't

say club foot in Kansas or so

yeah but then I say it and you laugh and

I'm like haha I told you

[Laughter]

[ __ ] don't you be questioning

me you know I really used to think I had

a way with

animals and then I realized that I just

make a lot of

crumbs I just got a pack of random ass

dogs following me

around just hoping I'll break into a

muffin or something

I don't know how many times I've tried

to go into restaurant they're like you

can't bring your dogs in here these

ain't my [ __ ]

dog if you could get him the piss off

that'd be

great and then I come to find they're

just other people's service

[Applause]

dogs yeah

just saw me stumbling by they're like

hey man you wait here I got to help this

[Applause]

guy hey slow down fella I got your

[Laughter]

mail you guys get it

[Applause]

makes me feel happy that you're doing

you're doing the work you're doing the

work

yeah sorry this is bugging the [ __ ] on

me look at this

like where the [ __ ] they think I was

going

[Applause]

man this stage ain't that big

man there's enough leash here to go

outside you guys want to go

outside go

outside who

a who's a good

boy you go

outside the other day I was in my

backyard with my kids you know we're

just out there uh chipping away at that

50% time and uh

just got him out there pulling weeds or

whatever

and and then a bird landed on me scared

the [ __ ] out of me I'm not going to lie

and here's the deal with that that

upsets me because I pride myself on not

being afraid of bugs or

animals but when you see that out of the

corner of your eye and then you think

that it's a

bug it's a big [ __ ] bug right

no just a bird sitting there his claws

came through though it felt like a giant

ass global warming June bug or

[Laughter]

something it was just looking at me all

calm it was so calm I started feeling

like Snow White

[Laughter]

like look children it picked me

me I'm the pretty one

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Music]

yes yeah and then it ate something out

of my beard and flew

away feed your

family it's a symbiotic relationship

it gets food and I get cleaned

so all right not too many science Buffs

out

there you know people often ask me if my

show is family

friendly and I'm like well it depends on

your [ __ ]

family I'm going to let you

decide I don't know about you folks but

I like my kids learning from

professionals o thanks for the

whistle I'm going to store that in my

heart for

sure I do travel a lot other day I had

to go to Cleveland and

uh and uh well the night before I went

out to dinner with my my lady

we went to a pretty fancy place dressed

up nice and we were having fun a little

drinking laughing eating and uh I was

feeling good my timing was

on so then across the way there was this

old couple they look real nice they

dressed but the they just look like

they're having the most boring

conversation you could possibly have so

I looked at my lady I was like hey

babe I hope when we're old we're not

like

that you know still

[Applause]

[Music]

together she laughed she laugh thank

goodness that's a scary joke right

there taking some risks

so then that night before I flew to

Cleveland early uh well in bed she held

me the entire

night so then in the

morning when my alarm went off I rolled

over I was like hey babe you know when I

come back I'm going to do the same thing

for

you and then uh we're going to see how

you [ __ ] like that

I'm hot I'm

hot very hot I'm hot I'm hot please I'm

hot I love you but I'm hot very very

very hot please I'm hot I'm hot I'm

hot like I will let you put a toe on my

calf but besides that I'm hot just very

very

hot and the thing is we have a big old

California KingSize bed this is a huge

bed and the other night she came all the

way over and pushed me in the

ocean the other night I got up and I

walked all the way around to [ __ ] to

[Applause]

theide cuz I'm hot I'm

hot hot

hot

[Applause]

hot damn

it guys ever feel like you're having a

heart

attack and then you burp and you're like

oh

okay I thought I was dying man

[ __ ] I almost called the

ambulance that's an expensive ass burp

right

there you burp in the ambulance you're

like oh I'm I'm just going to get out

right here I'm F I'm I'm fine no I'm

fine I don't no I don't mind the walk

that's fine feel I'm feeling

rejuvenated sorry sorry about that fine

no I'm good I'm fine

well that leads me to my next

question why do we stop burping

people it's so weird like think about a

baby one of its main needs is to be

burped it cries it's in pain you pop it

on the back a couple times all

better why do we cut that off at

two all I'm saying is I'm pretty sure we

could fix this country acid reflux

problem you just got to burp your buddy

every now and

again aren't you sick of taking all

these ant acid tablets to just stay

alive I'm telling you man we're going to

shut down big

farma it's my burp America

campaign hook a brother up

and this [ __ ] really works I mean I'm

not selling you no fish oil

here is it snake

oil sorry guys sometimes I get my animal

oils mixed

up I got to take more fish oil to

remember it snake one

all right not too many homeopaths up

there oh there's

[Laughter]

one I'm tell you I had some horrible

acid

reflux and then one day I realized that

my kids are now big enough to burp

me like payback's a

[ __ ] why don't you go get Daddy's buron

beach towel

[Music]

[Applause]

and let's move some chili

around I just feel like Amazon has made

it too easy to order stuff

online yeah the other day I came home

and there's a box on my porch and then

um he's all

excited like what did you

do open it up it's one bzo

glove I'm not putting that on you dude

you know

you got to play dress up on your own

time maybe give your club foot buddy a

call we all know he wouldn't be much

help no

Grabbers again the alarm in my head was

like don't say no Grabbers

I should have

listened did you just

[Applause]

snort don't be embarrassed that's a sign

of success in my

business I tally my

snorts just another diagonal line to the

four

my question is where do you even buy one

glove I mean now that Michael Jackson's

gone really can't be much of a market

for

that in fact I'm pretty sure he

single-handedly held that market up

[Applause]

all right sometimes I got to throw some

lwh hanger fruit out

there try to get the group back

together you guys Bunch up again bunch

up there is a company that sells one of

things it's uh intended for

amputees it's called Sher repare

yeah they got all kinds of [ __ ] on there

it's pretty cool it's like their idea is

like if you're missing your size 10

right foot and you're missing your size

10 left foot [ __ ] it share a pair you

know it's pretty cool it's ecological

and economical and the the products are

cool they got gloves and shoes and

earrings

see earrings is one of those ones where

I want you guys to do a little bit of

the like w you go in your head like why

are they missing it year you

know was it a bad fishing trip

or or like a relatively good combine

accident you see that's why I wanted you

to do

it when I do it I get rough with

it you got to admit that's a pretty good

comine accident if all you lost was one

year you're doing

good I've been doing comedy uh pretty

much my whole adult life I did have one

day job out of college I uh worked for

six months at a day program which is

basically a a daycare for uh adults with

severe mental and physical

disabilities and uh you know I really

have had so much help in my life so my

thought was like let me go back in the

world and give some of that back and I

uh I worked there for six months and uh

that is

because I couldn't take

[Laughter]

anymore and now let's just be clear

about this situation had nothing to do

do with the people that came in for the

services the problem is every morning

they would come into the facility on the

short

bus and uh I got to tell you there was

nothing that I could do to convince the

driver that I work there

[Applause]

I go all right man thanks I got it from

here okay

buddy who's a good

helper who's a good helper you're a good

helper on you go inside go get a

person like I'll break your [ __ ]

wrist

sir all my new co-workers just looking

out the window laughing their ass all

send them out again send them out

[Music]

again 6 months of that

[ __ ] I snapped one morning I just I

picked up a helmet and I put it on and I

got on the dude's bus I was

[Laughter]

like take me home

[ __ ] I'm done here [ __ ]

I'm done

and now I do

comedy career

move this has been really weird for me I

have a buddy that I've known my entire

life we actually went to preschool

together and um I'll just tell you this

up front about the guy he is um He's

Able

Body and like you know I'm I'm fine with

that

I I'm I'm cool I mean it's cool I

just you know early on I took him under

my wing

[Laughter]

and showing the ways of the world and

you

know and uh well here's the thing is

that uh right before the pandemic he got

married and that was really exciting I

got to be the best man and then um he

and his wife they uh then had their

first baby again very

exciting but then more recently um their

son was

diagnosed with cereal

py so it's it's just like interesting

and weird because this guy that I've

known my whole life is now coming to me

asking me all these questions

I'm like

no I didn't sleep with your

[Applause]

wife yeah we just [ __ ]

around but if he's got hair like this

get him

[Music]

checked it's just

uh I'm sorry I this joke in my head that

I I'm like I'm not saying

[Music]

[Applause]

that all right listen guys you don't

have to twist my arm

[Applause]

Sor pretty hawked up over there

so all right well just remember you

wanted me to say

this so I recently discovered that you

don't need the peanut butter for a dog

to lick your [ __ ]

[Applause]

thanks

Joel well I only bring this

up cuz I know some of you sick [ __ ] out

there wasting your money on peanut

butter could be saving up for

something all I'm saying is a dog is

going to do it for

free all right I would like to clarify

uh that is not a field tested

joke I just took the element was like

huh checks

out hey do you guys think if I die in a

freak

accident that the media will have the

nerve to call it that

I

do [ __ ]

jackals there a lot of bang for your

bucking that little joke right

there I'll tell you this when I do die I

don't want to be

cremated but I do want my veins to be

scattered yeah just run me through a

wood

chiper he loved this

m they're never going to forget him at

Builder bear

[Applause]

[Laughter]

Josh Blue juicy

bear I will admit that I've been

watching a lot of serial killer

documentaries and I think I'm finally

ready my research is

complete time to get to

getting I figure uh you know start in

Colorado

seems like a real starter

State lot of mountains and you know and

people that wouldn't be

missed not you folks of

course sure you all got a colorblind

racist neighbor or

something you you guys

remember from from

earlier just

[Laughter]

checking yeah uh you know me as a serial

killer yeah the night

[Laughter]

stumbler I'm pretty sure forensics have

caught up to my skill

level they're going to catch on pretty

quick like these strangle marks are

really

weird and this guy's Footprints all over

the [ __ ]

place this was all before he got to the

victim the real struggle happened over

over

here the [ __ ] was he

doing he try to tie his shoe or

something are you guys seeing all these

dog tracks

[Applause]

[Music]

wait what what's that you're saying how

the victim is another

[Applause]

magician oh yeah and by that tan line he

looks like he's missing a

watch and what do we have

here one but a

glove hey burn that for

me I'm trying to frame a guy on chare

[Applause]

AAR you get

it hey did you know that bow Toop was

originally being invented to help people

with cble

py it's pretty cool thing man they were

uh developing it they were trying to

find a way so that they could inject the

muscles so that

um wouldn't [ __ ] do

that well but then somewhere along the

way they discovered that Botox

also makes wrinkles go

away and then they were like well [ __ ]

cereb

py we could really be helping

people God forbid you had a crow

foot the guy with the twisty arm can

wait I love that joke man

cuz I'm sure you can feel that weird

vibe that kind of rolls across the

room what that is is that just how the

people with botox trying to

[Applause]

[Music]

frown I guess all joking aside what I

want to know is uh does he look younger

no crow feed on

that all right I got to tell you this

one the last crazy thing that happened

to me uh over the over the pandemic and

this really gets me worked up man I'm

not going to lie this is um more more uh

it's just more offensive than the peanut

thing

but but it's in a much different way and

some somehow grosser

but all right I'll just just just tell

you what happened so over the quarantine

I ended up needing to get a new business

manager which is like a very important

role in a career but here's the thing is

that we were doing the hiring process

over Zoom which to me is not a way to

communicate with other people it's just

not it's so not personal and I'm hiring

a very important job cuz I feel like if

I get to meet you face to face look in

the eyes shake your hand I'm a pretty

good judge of character but like on Zoom

I can't even tell if you got pants on or

not that's how my last question of the

interview I'm like and uh can you please

stand

[Music]

up show me what you're working with

and if you're in a wheelchair just scoot

in

[Laughter]

frame I'm an equal opportunity

employer wouldn't that be funny if I

wasn't

though like [ __ ] these blind

people non seeing [ __ ]

go ahead and laugh they can't see

you anyway I hired this guy I thought he

was the right guy for the job and to

tell the truth he was doing great

numbers look good operations running

smooth so then remember when the

pandemic finally broke enough we could

start going out to

restaurants I was like all right let me

take this guy out to lunch and meet him

in

person now at

lunch he orders a sub

sandwich and you know when you get your

sub there's the cut end and then there's

the heel

end he [ __ ] ate it from the heel end

[Music]

what kind of [ __ ]

animal eats up from the heel

end I had never seen no [ __ ] like

that I fired him on the

spot I was like we are done here you

psycho

changing

passwords seriously how about this show

hands right now you ever seen anybody do

that no cuz it's not a [ __ ] thing

that you

do oh yeah now you want to be a member

of our society get the [ __ ] out of

here a chinella knows better than

that and look I know that our country is

very politically divided right now but I

am uh pretty sure we can come together

on

this don't eat the

heand and then burp your

[Applause]

buddy oh you know who does eat it from

the healing [ __ ]

magicians you guys are awesome thank you

so much

[Applause]

you think

that a sun like survival

[Music]

you I where do you write your material

this is it

bud I really write I mean I don't ever

write anything down I'm really serious I

don't like I always said this if I ever

put like a little bit of effort into

this I could be really [ __ ] good

[Applause]

but just don't

care you one left make it

good you know

[Applause]

[Music]

you know it's okay for a [ __ ] to beat

up a woman right

[Applause]

[Music]