Original subtitles

GET YOUR BINOCULARS OUT.

OK, KEEP LOOKING.

KEEP LOOKING.

SEE IF YOU SEE IT.

UP IN THERE.

DO YOU SEE IT?

LOOK AGAIN.

IT'S RIGHT ABOVE THAT BRANCH RIGHT THERE.

LET ME SEE IF I CAN GET IT ON THE CAMERA.

RED-EYED VIRIO. RED-EYED VIRIO, RIGHT THERE.

THERE WE GO.

NO.

YEAH, KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID.

SO WE'LL JUST GO WITH SUPER CRISPY CAJUN HOMESTYLE

JUST TO KEEP EVERYBODY HAPPY.

I KNOW. TOTALLY.

TOTALLY.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID. SHE'S LIKE

WHAT DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE GOING TO EXPECT

AT YOUR WEDDING? LOBSTER?

ALRIGHT, WELL LET'S JUST TALK SIDES FOR A SECOND.

NO, I DO NOT JUST PAY YOU COMPLIMENTS

WHEN I WANT SOMETHING.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I DO WANT SOMETHING.

SHE WANTS PLATES, UH, MADE OUT OF RECYCLING.

STEVE, I'll CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE ROOF?

I'M FINE.

YOU'RE BLEEDING.

SHIT.

THAT'S A NICE PERK.

HAVING A NURSE IN THE HOUSE.

IT'S A CLEAN SCRATCH.

IT'LL HEAL IN NO TIME.

OK, SO UM, SO WE'LL GET THE GUTTER FIXED BY SUNDAY

WHICH IS NOT A BIG DEAL. I KNOW I GUY... BUT CAN WE ALL

AGREE ON THE NO BIRD WATCHING ON THE ROOF RULE? HMM?

I THINK YOU MEAN BIRDING.

ANYWAY, I DON'T THINK IT'S UNREASONABLE TO NOT WANT

TO SEE YOU GET KILLED.

OH, HEY STEVE. THANKS FOR CALLING BACK.

HOW'S THE TOAST COMING ALONG?

DON'T I JUST SAY HERE'S TO DAD AND JULIANA?

YEAH.

BUT TYPICALLY THE BEST MAN WILL SAY A LITTLE

MORE ABOUT THE COUPLE.

TELL A STORY.

CRACK A FEW JOKES, AND EMBARRASS YOUR OLD MAN A LITTLE.

YEAH, I WAS THINKING MIGUEL WOULD DO THE WHOLE SPEECH THING.

OK, SO DEFEND THESE WITH YOUR LIFE. AND I MEAN THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, ACTUALLY THIS IS

A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN.

I CAN GIVE IT TO YOU ON THE BIG DAY.

THE TOAST

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ANYTHING BIG.

OH GOD, JULIANA.

I GOTTA GO.

SEE YA DAD.

WHAT?

I FLASHED HIM.

I MEAN, YOU'VE TALKED TO HIM ABOUT ALL THIS, RIGHT?

YEAH.

♪♪

WELL I GOT SOME NEWS.

WHAT?

CAROLINE QUIT YBS.

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW.

SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT THE WHOLE TUFTED TITMOUSE THING.

IT'S TOTAL INSANITY.

OH SHIT, OK HERE COMES EVELYN. ON MY COUNT, JUST PRETEND

LIKE I SAID SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY ALRIGHT?

- WHAT? - NO, DON'T LOOK.

THREE, TWO, ONE.

WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?

HI.

- HEY. - HI.

SO TODAY IS REALLY BANNER DAY FOR US, HUH?

WHY IS THAT?

WELL I MEAN, I THOUGHT PERSONALLY, OUR APPROACH TO

HYDROCHLORIC ACID WAS EXEMPLARY.

- TOTALLY. - YEAH.

SO, DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO...?

YES, I DID, I DID.

YEAH, I THINK I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB.

OH BOY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NO PROBLEM.

BYE.

IS THAT HER HOMEWORK?

YEAH. SHE TOTALLY WANTS ME.

IT'S TIME TO TAKE THIS WHOLE BEING LAB PARTNERS THING

TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

OH, TIMMY, TIMMY, TIMMY.

SEX LEVEL, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

GIVE IT TO ME, TIMMY.

GET OUT OF HERE.

TIMMY, TIMMY, I WANT YOU SO BAD. I WANT YOU IN MY PANTS, TIMMY.

SHHH.

YOUNG BIRDERS SOCIETY ALL PRESENT.

MR. SECRETARY, PLEASE READ THE MINUTES.

UM, WHERE'S-WHERE'S CAROLINE?

SHE'S NO LONGER A MEMBER.

WHY?

MOSTLY BECAUSE HER HEART WASN'T IN BIRDING.

IS THAT A PROBLEM, ROB?

UH, YEAH... WELL, I JUST WANTED TO BE IN A CLUB

GET OUT.

WHAT?

THIS ISN'T A DATING SERVICE.

JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I WON'T MISS THIS.

ALRIGHT, SO NOW THAT WE'RE DOWN TO THREE, I DON'T THINK WE'RE

TECHNICALLY A CLUB ANYMORE BY SCHOOL RULES.

LET'S JUST GET ON WITH THE MEETING.

YOUNG BIRDERS SOCIETY ALL PRESENT.

MR. SECRETARY, PLEASE READ THE MINUTES.

THANK YOU, MR. CHAIRMAN.

I HEREBY SUBMIT THE MINUTES FROM THE MEETING DATED 4TH OF MARCH.

IN NEW BUSINESS, PETER NESSBAUMB WAS AWARDED A GOLDEN FEATHER BY

UNANIMOUS VOTE FOR SIGHTING THE LONG-TAILED JAEGER.

MY PROPOSITION TO INVESTIGATE THE PURCHASE OF A HANG GLIDER

WAS DEFEATED FOUR TO ONE DESPITE IT BEING AN AWESOME IDEA.

FINALLY CAROLINE HALPERN THREATENED TO QUIT YBS

IF I DIDN'T STOP CALLING HER TUFTED TITMOUSE, AND UM

WELL SHE ENDED UP QUITTING. MR. CHAIRMAN.

THANK YOU MR. BARSKY.

MR. CHAIRMAN?

MR. PORTNOY?

I MOVE TO POSTPONE OFFICER REPORTS, COMMITTEE REPORTS,

AND SPECIAL ORDERS AND PROCEED DIRECTLY TO NEW BUSINESS.

ALL FOR IT?

YAY.

ALL OPPOSED?

NAH.

THE MOTION PASSES TWO VOTES TO ONE.

IS THERE ANY NEW BUSINESS?

UH, MR. CHAIRMAN?

THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES DAVID PORTNOY.

I SPOTTED THIS ON THE STREET THIS MORNING.

I GOT A WEIRD FEELING ABOUT IT.

IT LOOKS LIKE AN ECLIPSE PLUMAGE WHITE-WING SCOTER.

NUH HUH, LOOK AT THE WAY THE NAPE

A MOVE TO MARK THE IMAGE AS INCLUSIVE AND CARRY

ON WITH THE MEETING.

MOVE TO FIND THE BIRD AGAIN.

THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES HIMSELF.

MR. PORTNOY, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME YOU BROUGHT SOMETHING

LIKE THIS TO THE COMMITTEE.

FOR REFERENCE, I SET THE ALLEGED SUNGRY LAST SUMMER.

I DIDN'T HAVE A PICTURE.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THERE'S A CREDIBILITY GAP HERE.

MR. BARSKY?

WHILE I APPRECIATE THE SPIRIT OF DAVID'S PROPOSAL, A RARE BIRD

SIGHTING CERTAINLY COULD REVERSE SINKING MEMBERSHIP

BUT IN MY OPINION, I THINK WE SHOULD STICK TO MORE AGGRESSIVE

RECRUITMENT STRATEGIES.

LIKE GETTING A HANG GLIDER.

THANK YOU. THAT'S ALL MR. CHAIRMAN.

- ALL FOR FINDING DAVID'S DUCK? - YAY.

- ALL OPPOSED? - NAY.

THE MOTION'S DEFEATED BY A VOTE OF TWO TO ONE.

DAMNIT.

DAVE?

DAVE, IS THAT YOU?

COME UP HERE.

- HEY. - HI.

SO I GOT EVERYTHING KIND OF SORTED OUT INTO

THREE MAIN GROUPS.

SAVE, THROW, CHARITY.

YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR LIP. WHAT'S THAT?

NOTHING.

A PEN EXPLODED.

WAIT, ARE YOU KIDDING?

WELL I THOUGHT I'D SAVE THE GOOD ONES.

MOM WORKED REALLY HARD FOR ALL OF THESE.

OK, WELL, YEAH... I MEAN, OF COURSE YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T

KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. OF COURSE WE'LL KEEP THEM.

WHAT'S THIS?

BLENDER?

OH YOU KNOW WHAT? JULIANA'S GOT A REALLY NICE BLENDER.

I WAS THINKING WE'D JUST GIVE THAT ONE TO TED.

YEAH, I'D RATHER WE GAVE JULIANA'S TO TED.

SURE.

LISTEN, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'll TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO MEET THIS STRING QUARTET IN LIKE

LITERALLY... TEN MINUTES.

SO WHY DON'T YOU DO THIS?

TAKE THESE, MARK WHAT YOU WANT TO KEEP.

THE REST WE'LL EITHER CHUCK OR WE'LL GIVE TO GOODWILL.

ALRIGHT? OK? PROBLEM SOLVED?

FINE.

YEAH?

SEE YA.

YOU'RE THE CAMERA GUY NOW, HUH?

YEAH.

OK, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR BIRDS, NOT MOM.

BIRDS.

BIRDS, NOT ME.

WHERE THE HELL IS DAVID?

HE'S RIGHT THERE.

NOT COOL, MAN.

SORRY.

WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? WE'RE IN CRISIS MODE HERE.

I'M SORRY.

I THINK I MAY HAVE FOUND

OH WOW,

OK, SO I CHECKED EVERY SCAUR, SCOTER, EIDER, INCLUDING THE

PALEARCTIC, NEOTROPICAL OPTIONS.

NONE OF THEM ARE A MATCH.

THIS AGAIN?

DID YOU EVEN SLEEP?

OK. SO THEN I THOUGHT MAYBE IT'S RARER THAN THOSE.

WELL THE CRITICALLY ENDANGERED DUCKS CONSIST OF THE WEST

INDIAN WHISTLING, THE LAYSAN, AND THE WHITE-HEADED DUCK.

BUT IT'S NOT ANY OF THOSE.

SO WHAT'S RARER THAN CRITICALLY ENDANGERED?

I MEAN NOTHING.

AFTER CRITICALLY ENDANGERED IT GOES EXTINCT.

EXACTLY.

OH MY GOD.

AH DAMNIT.

CAMPTORHYNCHUS LABRADORIUS.

AH, THIS WOULD BE SO HUGE.

IF EVELYN REED KNEW I REDISCOVERED AN EXTINCT DUCK,

SHE'D DEFINITELY LET ME DO IT.

POSSIBLY DOGGIE STYLE.

IT'S CALLED RETROCOPULATION, MAN.

THE TERM DOGGIE STYLE IS OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN AND

POSSIBLY DOGS AS WELL.

YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

GUYS, YOU'RE BOTH MISSING THE POINT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YEAH, I MEAN IT HAS TO BE A FEMALE, NOT A MALE.

OOH THE WING MARKS CONCERN ME, BUT TO BE FAIR,

WING MARKS ALWAYS CONCERN ME.

B TEAMS

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

OK, WE NEED TO FIND THIS DUCK AGAIN.

OH WHAT WE NEED IS AN EXPERT OPINION.

WELL, UH, I CAN GET US A MEETING WITH LAWRENCE CONRAD.

JUST BECAUSE HE SAID YOU HAD NICE STYLE AT A BOOK SIGNING.

UM, HE SAID I HAD INTERESTING STYLE, AND YES,

THAT'S EXACTLY WHY. DICK.

HELLO?

HE'S TOO BUSY. I TOLD YOU THIS.

HELLO?

WHAT?

OH SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.

MY SECRETARY'S AT LUNCH AND THIS THING SHOULD HAVE

THERE YOU GO, ANYONE?

UH, YELLOW WARBLER.

BRAVO. DO COME IN.

NOPE.

NO, NO.

THAT'S ALL WRONG.

YEAH WELL, IT DOES DECLINE AT THE NAPE.

WHICH ONE OF YOU SAW IT?

UH, I DID.

I'M SORRY THE PICTURE'S SO BLURRY.

I WAS ON MY BIKE WHEN I SPOTTED IT.

ON YOUR BIKE?

THAT'S MARVELOUS.

THAT'S THE GREAT THING ABOUT THIS FIELD.

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE A HIGH SCHOOL KID ON YOUR BIKE,

OR

AN OLD EGG HEAD LIKE ME WITH A BOAT LOAD OF SILLY DEGREES.

ABSOLUTELY ANYONE CAN BE A BIRDER.

EXCEPT FOR BLIND PEOPLE I SPOSE.

SO YOU THINK IT COULD ACTUALLY BE A RARE

CLOSE THE DOOR, PLEASE.

ANY OF YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM LAZARUS SPECIES?

YOU, GLASSES.

AN ORGANISM REDISCOVERED ALIVE AFTER HAVING BEEN

CONSIDERED EXTINCT.

AND WHILE LAZARUS SPECIES ARE VERY RARE, HERE IN AMERICA,

I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BEING AMONGST THOSE WHO REFOUND THE

IVORY BILLED WOODPECKER IN 2005,

THOUGH CERTAIN SCIENTISTS DO DISPUTE MY CLAIM.

FOOLS.

FEBRUARY 20TH, 2005.

I REMEMBER BECAUSE IT WAS THREE WEEKS AFTER MY LIFE

MAGELLANIC WOODPECKER IN CHILE,

QUITE A MONTH FOR CAMPEPHILUS.

YOU REMEMBER ALL THE DATES ON YOUR LIFE LIST?

NOW... ON MAY 13TH OF THIS YEAR, WE MIGHT

I DO STRESS "MIGHT" HAVE SPOTTED

YES.

CAMPTORHYNCHUS LABRODORIOUS.

MMHMM.

THE FIRST BIRD TO GO EXTINCT IN NORTH AMERICA.

NO ONE HAS SEEN ONE OF THESE FELLAS SINCE 1878.

SO DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT DAVID SAW A LABRADOR DUCK?

OF COURSE THE PHOTO'S TOO BLURRY TO PROVE ANYTHING.

AND CERTAINLY OUT OF CONSIDERATION FOR PUBLICATION.

TRUST ME WHAT BIRDERS DO NOT NEED IS MORE CONTROVERSY.

NO, I THINK THE ONLY THING TO DO HERE IS TO FIND THE BIRD AGAIN.

WELL IT'S PROBABLY MIGRATING.

IT COULD BE ANYWHERE.

WHICH MEANS YOU NEED TO GET A MOVE ON.

THE LABRADOR IS CLOSELY RELATED TO SEA DUCKS. SUCH AS EIDERS.

IT'S PROBABLY HEADING NORTH, MAYBE EVEN MIGRATING WITH

SCOTERS. NOW THE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, IS THAT IT'LL BE ATTRACTED

TO THE LARGEST INLAND BODIES OF WATER BEFORE IT HITS THE

COAST. NOW MY GUESS IS, IT'LL BE IN SOUTHERN CONNECTICUT

BY SUN FALL TOMORROW.

SO YOU THINK IT'S ACTUALLY POSSIBLE TO FIND IT AGAIN?

I DO.

BUT I MUST WARN YOU, I LOVE THE CHASE.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER YOU'VE READ MY MEMOIR.

"LOOK TO THE SKIES," I'VE READ IT FIVE TIMES.

THEN I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT I SPENT 15 MONTHS IN

ECUADOR TRACKING THE PALE-HEADED BRUSH FINCH ONLY TO

LEARN THAT IT WAS A MERE WHITE-HEADED BRUSH FINCH.

IF I'D FACED FACTS A FEW DAYS EARLIER, YOU'D BE LOOKING

AT A MAN WITH

TWO LEGS.

I WON'T DENY IT, I'M STARTING TO GET VERY JEALOUS OF YOU LADS.

WE HAVE, UM, MODERN EUROPEAN HISTORY CLASS IN 25 MINUTES.

FAIR ENOUGH.

WELL DO KEEP ME INFORMED.

NEVER HESITATE TO CALL.

OH, AND ONE PIECE OF ADVICE FROM AN OLD TWITCHER,

GET YOURSELVES A BETTER CAMERA.

ONE WITH A SMALL TELEPHOTO LENS.

YEAH, I CAN DEFINITELY DO THAT.

EXCELLENT.

HAVING THE WRONG GEAR IS PRECISELY WHY THIS PHOTO

IS ULTIMATELY USELESS.

GOOD LUCK, GENTLEMAN.

DR. CONRAD.

DR. CONRAD?

COULD YOU, UM, SIGN MY BOOK?

FIRST EDITION.

YEAH.

PORTNOY.

WAS YOUR MOTHER DOROTHY PORTNOY?

YOU KNOW MY MOTHER?

OF COURSE.

BACK IN THE 80S AND 90S, SHE HELPED PIONEER THE USE OF

MARINE RADAR TO PREDICT MIGRATANT FALL OUT.

SHE WAS A REAL UNSUNG HERO OF BIRDING.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AWFUL.

I'M DEEPLY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

WHY?

IT'S WAY TOO INTENSE.

I MEAN, I'M SORRY BUT THIS WOULD AN OFFICIAL YBS MEETING.

OK, MOVE TO DISCUSS.

UM, SECOND.

ALRIGHT, THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES TIMOTHY BARSKY.

THANK YOU.

CHAIRMAN, MR. PORTNQY, SIMPLY PUT, WE MUST FIND THIS BIRD.

I THINK IT COULD REPRESENT A NEW HOPE FOR YBS, WHICH FRANKLY IS

ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE.

I THINK WITH THE RIGHT PUBLICITY, SIGHTING OF THE

LABRADOR DUCK COULD BOOST MEMBERSHIP, AND THE THREE OF US

COULD REAP UNTOLD REWARDS.

FAME-WISE, MONEY-WISE, AND VAGINA-WISE.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S ALL, MR. CHAIRMAN.

I CONCUR. MOVE TO VOTE.

SECOND.

ALL IN FAVOR OF SEARCHING FOR THE EXTINCT LABRADOR DUCK?

YAY.

ALL OPPOSED. NAY.

MOTION PASSES TWO TO ONE.

I'll DROP THE BUDGET.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I WANT TO.

YEAH?

HEY, UH... I LEFT SOMETHING IN THE LAB YESTERDAY.

OH, OK.

I'M ELLEN, BY THE WAY.

WHAT?

WE'RE IN A CLASS TOGETHER, SO I'M TELLING YOU WHO I AM.

OH.

HI.

HI, THERE YOU GO.

ALRIGHT, SO GIVEN THE EXPECTED SPEED OF THE LABRADOR DUCK,

IN ITS PRESUMED TRAJECTORY, THE BIRD WILL BE FORCED

TO REST IN ITS FIFTEEN MILE RADIUS ENCOMPASSING

CEDAR LAKE OR COCKAPONSET.

OK, WELL I'M PUTTING MY MONEY ON COCKAPONSET.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE IT HAS THE WORD COCK IN IT.

WELL, I STILL MAINTAIN IT'S A LONGSHOT AT BEST, BUT AS PLACES

GO, YOU KNOW? IT'S MORE LIKELY THAN MOST.

OH, ON THE TRANSPORTATION FRONT, MY COUSIN ERIC SAID

HE'D LOAN ME SOME WHEELS.

HE DID?

YEAH. HE'S A COOL GUY. HE LIKES ME A LOT.

HEY, ISN'T YOUR DAD GETTING MARRIED THIS WEEKEND?

YEP. THIS IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT.

DAVID?

YEAH.

DAVID. OH HI BOYS.

HELLO MRS. SANTOS.

JULIANA! OW.

DAVID, THERE IS SOMEBODY HERE TO SEE YOU.

A GIRL FROM YOUR SCHOOL, I THINK.

GO ON IN, HON.

THANK YOU.

YOU STOLE YOU THE LENS.

PREPOSTEROUS.

WHAT'S PROJECT ANUS?

ANAS, OK? AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

JUST GIVE ME THE LENS.

AND WHAT EVIDENCE DO YOU HAVE OF THIS ALLEGED THEFT

OF THIS ALLEGED LENS?

WELL, IT WAS THERE EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON.

I GAVE HIM THE KEYS, HE WENT INTO THE LAB,

AND THEN IT WAS GONE.

CIRCUMSTANTIAL.

IT'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

OH DAMNIT, PETER.

OH MY GOD.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A LABRADOR DUCK?

I STILL DON'T GET WHY IT'S CALLED PROJECT ANUS.

ANAS.

IT'S LATIN FOR DUCK.

YOU GUYS SPEAK LATIN?

YEAH, SOMETIMES.

YOU SHOULD COME WITH US.

THIS WOULD SERIOUSLY WOULD BE THE FIRST PHOTO OF

THIS EXTINCT DUCK?

YEAH. DEFINITELY.

IF I COME I'M TAKING THE PICTURE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

OK, THAT'S NOT A POSSIBILITY.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

WE'LL TAKE IT.

WHEN DO WE LEAVE?

♪ AM FROM TIMMY'S COUSIN'S HOUSE.

25 SOUTH RIDGE DRIVE.

COOL.

WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?

SHE MADE ME NERVOUS, OK?

OK, WELL ON THE FLIP SIDE, ONE OR POSSIBLY MORE OF US WILL GET

SOME ACTION THIS WEEKEND.

MOST LIKELY BEING ME.

NOPE, NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

HEY, NEED SOME HELP?

I GOT IT.

WHERE YOU GOING?

TIMMY'S.

SLEEPING OVER TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING MARRIED.

TOMORROW.

I'll BE BACK IN PLENTY OF TIME.

C'MON DAD, IT'S IMPORTANT. I GOTTA GO.

ALRIGHT. OK, OK.

I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU YOUR GRIEVING SPACE.

DON'T DR. SCHULTZ

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, THE REHEARSAL IS AT 10 AM.

THE REHEARSAL?

YEAH.

IT'S WALKING FROM ONE SIDE OF THE LAWN TO THE OTHER, RIGHT?

OK, C'MON. TIME OUT.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I GET THAT IT'S ALL GOTTA SEEM PRETTY WEIRD TO YOU,

AND MAYBE JULIANA'S NOT YOUR FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD

DAD, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

FAST FORWARD TEN YEARS FROM NOW, SHE'S GONNA REALLY CARE,

SHE'S GONNA BE A REALLY COOL, KICKASS MOM.I MEAN, YOU GOTTA

LOOK AT THINGS, LIKE... EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

WHAT?

FOR A REASON?

YOU KNOW, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.

THAT'S NOT-THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

WHAT I MEANT

BULLSHIT.

C'MON, DAVID.

YOU ARE TOO FAST.

I GOTCHYA.

SORRY, I'M LATE.

HAVE WE CONFIRMED HE KNOWS WE'RE COMING?

YES.

ERIC?

TIMMY.

MY MAN.

ERIC.

MY MAN.

UM, DO YOU THINK WE COULD GRAB THOSE KEYS NOW?

OH YEAH, KEYS.

TOTALLY.

COULD YOU GO GET THEM NOW?

SURE.

YOU'RE ERIC'S COUSIN?

YEAH, FIRST COUSIN.

THESE ARE KEYS ARE KEYS TO A KRYPTONITE BIKE LOCK.

WAIT, YOU WANTED TO BORROW MY CAR?

YEAH.

TIMMY, I'M NOT GOING TO LEND YOU MY CAR.

WHY NOT?

FOR LIKE SEVERAL REASONS.

THERE ARE INSURANCE ISSUES THAT WOULD NOT BE EASY TO RESOLVE,

TO SAY THE LEAST.

I HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT YOU OR ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE

SAFE AND/OR RELIABLE DRIVERS.

NOT TO MENTION, TRISH AND I HAVE PLANS TO USE THE CAR TO GO UP TO

SHEEP'S MEADOW TO HANG OUT AND SMOKE WEED.

WELL HE DOES MAKE SOME CONVINCING ARGUMENTS.

THANK YOU.

FINE, WELL THANKS ANYWAY, ERIC.

YOU'RE A REAL COOL GUY.

PS, GRANDMA THINKS YOU'RE A COMMUNIST.

I AM A COMMUNIST.

BYE TIMMY'S LITTLE FRIENDS.

BYE.

I HATE HIM.

HE HADN'T DJED MY BARMITZVAH, MY LIFE WOULD BE

A LOT BETTER RIGHT NOW. BELIEVE YOU ME.

SO IS TRISH ERIC'S STEADY GIRLFRIEND?

WHAT?

OH, FOUND IT.

EVER DRIVE A CABRIOLET, PETER?

ABSOLUTLEY NOT.

WHAT? YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WITH A LICENSE.

I'M NOT DRIVING A STOLEN CAR, GUYS.

IT'S NOT A STOLEN CAR.

WE'LL BRING IT BACK TOMORROW, HE'LL JUST THINK HE FORGOT

WHERE HE PARKED IT. RIGHT?

COME ON, MAN.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO NOT BE A TOTAL PUSSY.

YOU CAN IMPRESS AN ACTUAL GIRL.

IT'S EXCITING.

ELLEN?

I THINK PETER SHOULD DO WHAT HE WANTS.

BUT YEAH, I WOULD BE IMPRESSED.

VERY IMPRESSED.

THANKS.

PETER, JUST MERGE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF PRESSURE THIS IS.

NO IDEA.

K, WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPAZZ.

YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP IT UNDER 357

YES, I AM.

PROBABLY MORE DANGEROUS

TIMMY?

HOLY SHIT.

WHAT IS THIS? IS THAT CRACK COCAINE?

I HAVE NO IDEA. MAYBE.

MAYBE?

JUST KEEP DRIVING PETER. IT LOOKS LIKE

IT LOOKS LIKE CRYSTALS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE IT'S ROCK CANDY.

ELLEN, GROW UP. OK? THEY'RE CRYSTALS.

OH SHIT.

WHAT?

CRYSTAL METH.

THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.

WHAT?

NO, WE CAN'T JUST THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.

YES, WE CAN.

NO, PETER, THINK.

WHAT HAPPENS IF WE RETURN THE CAR WITHOUT THE DRUGS, OK?

LIKE MAYBE ERIC WAS TRYING TO SELL THEM ON BEHALF OF SOME DRUG

LORDS, AND THEN THE DRUG LORDS COME LOOKING FOR THE MONEY,

SUDDENLY ERIC DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY OR THE DRUGS.

SO THEY KILL HIM.

OK?

ERIC SUCKS BUT HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO DIE.

OK, JUST KEEP IT HIDDEN. GIVE IT, ELLEN.

DONE.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

I'M SHOCKED. I'M REALLY SHOCKED.

PETER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU HAVE TO SPEED UP.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN A WAGON.

NOW WE'RE CRUISING.

THIS IS TOTALLY ILLEGAL.

PETER, IT'S FINE.

YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR LEARNERS PERMIT.

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

SOUNDS LIKE BLACK AND WHITE WARBLER.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A RED BREASTED NUT HATCH

BUT IT'S COMING FROM THE ENGINE.

WHAT'S A FINCH LOOK LIKE?

A FINCH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE A PERCHING BIRD WITH A

SMALL, SHARP, POINTY BILL.

COOL, MY BOYFRIEND'S BAND IS CALLED THE REAL FINCHES.

THE REAL FINCHES?

HUH, SOUNDS LIKE A REAL HARDCORE BAND.

RIGHT, 'CUZ YOU'RE INTO MORE HARDCORE STUFF

LIKE BEETHOVEN.

UMM BARTOK, OK?

MAYBE LIKE LATE BEETHOVEN, YEAH.

RIGHT.

THESE ARE TOTALLY RETRO.

OH YEAH, THANKS.

THEY'RE MY MOM'S.

IS SHE A BIG BIRDER?

YOU KNOW HIS MOM IS DEAD, RIGHT?

WHAT?

OH, I GUESS IT WAS BEFORE YOU MOVED HERE.

YEAH, DAVE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

THANKS, TIMMY.

OK, GUYS I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

I WANT EVERYONE TO REMAIN STILL WHILE I TALK,

ESPECIALLY YOU, PETER.

THERE'S A VEHICLE THAT'S BEEN TRAILING US FOR THE PAST

TEN MILES, AND THERE ARE DEFINITELY GUNS IN THE VEHICLE.

OH MY GOD.

PETER, STAY STILL.

SORRY.

THEY COULD BE ERIC'S DRUG LORD BOSSES.

DAVID, CAN YOU JUST SLOW DOWN AND SEE IF THEY PASS US?

YEAH.

IT DOESN'T HAVE GUNS ON IT.

OH SHIT.

THERE THEY ARE.

AHH THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

HOW WAS THAT A CLOSE ONE?

IT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

HEY WHAT'S WITH ALL THE PEOPLE?

IS THIS LIKE AN IMPORTANT DAY FOR BIRDING OR SOMETHING?

IT'S SATURDAY.

HEY, PORTNOY'S BACK.

HEY THEENY.

ARE YOU LIKE THE BOY WONDER OF THE BIRDING WORLD OR SOMETHING?

NO. I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN AWHILE.

SO, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE EXACTLY?

OK.

UM... FIRST YOU HAVE THE FEEDER FILLERS, AND THEY JUST WANT A

BIRD FEEDER SO THAT THEY CAN ATTRACT A BIRD LIKE A CARDINAL.

AND THEN THERE'S LISTERS, LIKE THOSE GUYS OVER THERE.

NOW LISTERS, THEY LIKE THE NUMBERS, THE DATA

SO THEY RECORD EVERYTHING ON THESE VERY METICULOUS LIFE LISTS

SO IF MY DAD WAS A BIRDER, HE'D BE A LISTER.

HE'S NOT A BIRDER?

NO.

HE OWNS FIVE CHICKEN HUTS.

HE LITERALLY MAKES A LIVING KILLING BIRDS.

SO WHICH KIND OF BIRDER ARE YOU?

WELL THERE'S ONE MORE.

THE WATCHERS.

NOW, THE WATCHERS, THIS IS LAWRENCE CONRAD'S DEFINITION,

UH... THEY WANT TO ACHIEVE A TRANSCENDENT CONNECTION BETWEEN

NATURE THAT ERASES ANY DISTINCTION BETWEEN, I GUESS,

HUMAN AND BIRDS' SOULS.

LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE A WATCHER.

WELL, THERE'S ACTUALLY VERY FEW WATCHERS OUT THERE.

UM, LAWRENCE CONRAD SAYS THAT IN THE WORLD OF BIRDING,

MOST OF US ARE JUST LISTERS WHO STRIVE TO BE WATCHERS.

WHAT IS THAT?

OLD SCHOOL DUCK CALL.

HELP US IN FINDING THE UH... THE YOU KNOW WHAT.

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT?

NOTHING.

YOU GUYS HEADING OUT?

YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO COCKAPONSET.

THE COCK.

YOU GUYS FROM AROUND HERE?

NO. SUMWORTH.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. WHAT DO YOU SEE UP THERE?

UH, HOODED WARBLERS, ACADIAN FLYCATCHER, YELLOW-BILLED

CUCKOO, YELLOW-WINGED VERIO, THIS ONE TIME I SAW

WAIT, YOU SAW A YELLOW- WINGED VERIO IN NEW YORK?

YEAH.

WOW, WOW, WOW.

DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE, JEFF.

WHAT?

OH, I'M SORRY. I MEAN A YELLOW-THROATED VERIO.

THERE YOU GO.

YEAH.

THERE IT IS.

SO, WHAT KIND OF STUFF DO YOU GUYS SEE?

WE JUST HAD A GREAT TRIP TO TANZANIA.

SAW AN USAMBARA EAGLE OWL, AMONG OTHER THINGS.

NOT BAD FOR OUR FIRST YEAR.

FIRST YEAR? LAST

YEAR WE CLIMBED THE SEVEN SUMMITS,

THIS YEAR WE'RE GOING FOR THE WORLD BIG YEAR RECORD.

OH, SO YOU'RE NOT BIRDERS.

YOU'RE MORE LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ADS.

MORE LIKE EXTREME HOBBYISTS.

IT MEANS IN TEN MONTHS, WE'VE SEEN OVER 315 ENDANGERED SPECIES

INCLUDING FINDING ONLY THE SIXTH KNOWN NEST OF

A GRAUER'S BROADBILL.

THAT'S AMAZING.

YEAH.

DAVID SAW A LABRADOR DUCK.

YOU KNOW THAT'S EXTINCT, RIGHT?

YES. WELL MAYBE IT'S NOT EXTINCT ANY MORE

NO, NO, SHE IS-SHE IS NOT A BIRDER.

SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.

YES, I DO.

NO, SHE DOESN'T.

OK. BECAUSE THAT-THAT IS A PRETTY BIG CLAIM, YOU KNOW?

SPOTTING AN EXTINCT SPECIES.

DO YOU GUYS HAVE A PHOTO OR ANYTHING?

NO. SHE'S CONFUSED.

WE CAN'T HAVE A PICTURE OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

RIGHT.

WE SHOULD BE GOING.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. WELL, GOOD BIRDING.

GOOD BIRDING FELLAS.

GOOD BIRDING.

I'M SORRY, ELLEN. YOU'RE A COMPLETE IDIOT.

WHATEVER.

THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME ANYWAY.

LET'S HOPE TO GOD YOU'RE RIGHT.

♪♪

HEY, CHECK IT OUT.

DAVID?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST GONNA CATCH UP WITH THEM.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

THERE WE GO.

COULD THE LABRADOR DUCK BE UP THERE?

NO, NO. THEY'RE CANADA GEESE.

♪♪

SHIT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

DAMNIT. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IT MUST BE RELATED TO THE WARBLER NOISE. SHIT.

THE NUTHATCH NOISE.

OK, SHUT UP PETER.

I THINK IT'S JUST AN OVERHEATED ALTERNATOR THING.

OR SOMETHING.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WE SHOULD GO HOME.

I KNEW IT.

I'M SORRY. YOU KNEW WHAT?

COME ON.

LOOK, WE ALL KNEW FROM THE START IT WAS A MISTAKE

TO BRING YOU, OK?

YOU WERE LATE, YOU HAVE TO PEE ALL THE TIME,

AND NOW YOU WANT TO QUIT.

I BROUGHT A TELEPHOTO LENS AND FIVE YEARS OF

PHOTOGRAPHY EXPERIENCE.

WHAT DID YOU BRING?

OH, LET ME THINK. EXCELLENT LEADERSHIP SKILLS, LOGIC

AN ORANGE BELT

OK? FLUENCY IN LATIN AND ESPANOL

AWESOME LOGIC SKILLS.

YOU SAID THAT ALREADY.

GUYS, I'M GOING TO GO CALL TRIPLE A.

OK, WHERE ARE WE EXACTLY?

UM, WE'RE SOMEWHERE NEAR WOODSTOCK.

WAIT, WOODSTOCK?

YEAH.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

WHO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL?

BOOTY CALL.

THE REED'S HAVE A HOUSE OUT HERE.

WAIT, EVELYN REED?

YEAH.

HEY, EVELYN.

IT'S TIMMY.

TIMMY.

TIMMY BARSKY.

TIMMY B

WE SHOULD GET A BACKUP.

NO, THEY'RE FRIENDS... KIND OF.

I MEAN, I GUESS SHE DOES CALL HIM HER PERSONAL MATH HOBBIT.

SO WE'RE IN A BIT OF A PICKLED DICK.

NAH, JUST A STUPID LINE FROM

UM, I GUESS YOU WANNA PROBABLY CALL YOUR MOM.

THAT WOULD INVOLVE TELLING HER WHERE I AM, SO NO THANK YOU.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW?

SHE'S IN NEW MEXICO AT A SWING AND SALSA CONFERENCE THIS

WEEKEND, SO IT WAS EITHER THIS, OR SITTING AROUND ON MY OWN.

SO, SWING AND SALSA?

WELL THEY'RE ACTUALLY REALLY DIFFERENT.

OK.

OH, THAT'S-THAT'S A LOT.

HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR MOM.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO BRING IT UP AND

THAT'S OK. TIMMY'S AN IDIOT SOMETIMES.

IT'S REALLY, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I MEAN, OF COURSE IT'S A BIG DEAL, BUT IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

HOW LONG AGO DID SHE PASS AWAY?

ALMOST A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

JUST YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE MY

HEY GUYS.

WE'RE GOOD.

SO, WHAT IS THIS TOP SECRET MISSION YOU GUYS ARE ON?

I MEAN, I COULD TELL YOU BUT

YOU'D HAVE TO KILL ME?

NO, OF COURSE NOT. I'M A PACIFIST.

PETER WOULD KILL YOU.

I'M A PACIFIST.

HE'S REALLY NOT.

HE HAS TO SAY THAT. IT'S HIS COVER.

OH MY GOD, YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

HAHA I KNOW. YOU KNOW? I THINK WE MAY HAVE ACTUALLY

FOUND AN EXTINCT DUCK.

WOW.

OH THIS IS PUBLIC INFORMATION NOW?

UH YEAH. GET IN THE CAR.

THANKS AGAIN, EV.

HEY, I SHOULD BE THANKING YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I'M TIMMY.

YOU ARE.

BYE, GUYS.

OH, AND GIRL.

WHY WAS SHE THANKING YOU?

OH MY GOD, SHE'S SO HOT.

HOW MUCH THIS TIME, TIMMY?

OH I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THE REST OF THE YEAR

YOU'RE DOING HER MATH HOMEWORK FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR?

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND OUR RELATIONSHIP, OK?

OH MY GOD.

WHAT?

NO GUNS.

WHAT?

THEY'VE TAKEN THE GUNS.

YOU BROUGHT IT WITH YOU?

WE NEED TO CALL THE COPS. LIKE RIGHT NOW GUYS.

AND TELL THEM WHAT, PETER?

THAT WE STOLE A CAR LOADED WITH NARCOTICS?

YOU ARE A GENIUS.

KEEP IT HIDDEN.

ALL IN FAVOR?

AYE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY'LL KILL US IN THE WOODS, OK?

ERIC.

WE HAVE A SITUATION.

WHAT'S THAT ONE?

UH... BLACK CAP CHICKADEE.

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHICH ONE IT IS SO QUICKLY?

WELL, THE BEST WAY TO RECOGNIZE IS JIZZ?

WHAT?

G-I-♪-♪.

GENERAL, IMPRESSION, SHAPE, AND SIZE.

THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A SNAP IDEA OF A BIRD.

YEAH, I MEAN, I GUESS IT HAD A NICE JIZZ.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW JIZZ SOUNDS LIKE EJACULATION

COME ON.

CHICKADEE JIZZ.

YEAH, IT'S IN THE TIT FAMILY TOO.

UM, I GUESS ANOTHER WAY IS YOU CAN ID IT BY ITS CALLS, SO...

UH, DOWNY WOODPECKER.

WHITE BREASTED NUTHATCH.

CAROLINA WREN.

THE NUTHATCH AGAIN.

WHAT WAS THAT ONE?

WOOD THRESH.

HOLD ON.

YEAH?

WHERE ARE YOU?

TIMMY'S.

YOU DROVE TO TIMMY'S IN ERIC'S CAR?

PETER DROVE.

DAVID.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

WE MAY HAVE DISCOVERED AN EXTINCT DUCK.

WE'RE AT A PARK IN CONNECTICUT JUST TRYING TO LOOK FOR IT AND

WE'LL BE BACK BY TOMORROW.

AN EXTINCT DUCK?

YES, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO TRACK IT

ALRIGHT, FIRST, YOU'RE SERIOUSLY GROUNDED.

SECOND, AND LET ME MAKE THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR, IF WE ALL END

UP WAITING AROUND FOR YOU TOMORROW JUST TO WALTZ IN

YOU'VE ALREADY MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR HOW YOU

CAN'T HANDLE WAITING.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DON'T COME.

DAD.

DAD, I'M SORRY.

NO, NO.

YOU'RE A YOUNG MAN NOW.

YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

I'll HAVE TED BE THE BEST MAN.

SURE.

FINE.

THAT WAS YOUR DAD?

YES.

HEY, EVERYTHING OK?

YES.

ARE YOU SURE?

MY DAD'S GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.

TO MY MOM'S NURSE.

DO YOU WANT-DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

NO.

WA-WAIT DAVID, HOW ARE WE GONNA GET BACK IN TIME?

WE'RE NOT.

♪♪

JUST SAYING.

IS THE SLUTTIEST BIRD.

WHY?

HE OR SHE HAS A PARTNER THEN IMMEDIATELY

GOES TO ANOTHER PARTNER, KIND OF LIKE YOU, ELLEN.

THANK YOU, TIMMY THANK YOU.

IT'S RIGHT THERE BEHIND THE BUSH.

ONE O'CLOCK. ONE O'CLOCK.

YOU GOTTA LOOK RIGHT AT IT, THEN JUST PUT THE BINOCULARS

IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING TO IT AND IT REPLIES.

PSH PSH.

PETER, SHUT UP.

OH, BIG SPIDER, BIG SPIDER.

THERE IT IS.

ALRIGHT, SO THERE'S A BRIDGE ABOUT 2 MILES NORTHEAST OF HERE.

IF IT'S GETTING DARK, I THINK WE SHOULD JUST START HERE.

EXACTLY.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, I'M CROSSING THIS RIVER.

IT'S WAY TOO DANGEROUS.

OH C'MON PETER.

YOU KNOW WOMEN CITE PHYSICAL BRAVERY AS THE NUMBER ONE

QUALITY IN A MAN?

A SENSE OF HUMOR.

ELLEN, BRAVE OR FUNNY GUYS?

FUNNY.

WHAT?

OK, WELL WHATEVER.

WITH HOT WOMEN ANYWAY, AS IN EVELYN REED, IT'S PHYSICAL

BRAVERY SO HAH.

CAN WE STOP WITH THE EVELYN REED ALREADY?

UM, JEALOUS MUCH?

TIMMY, YOU KEEP KISSING HER ASS, HOPING SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.

WHICH IT WILL.

WHEN SHE'S SO CLEARLY DORK BAITING YOU.

OK, EVELYN REED LIKES ME ALRIGHT?

WHAT'S DORK BAITING?

IT'S WHEN A CUTE GIRL IS SUPER NICE TO A NERDY GUY

I'M NOT NERDY.

SO THAT HE'LL WORSHIP HER AND FIX HER COMPUTER AND MAKE HER

FEEL GOOD ABOUT HERSELF AND, OH, ALSO DO HER HOMEWORK.

HEY, I'M DOING HER HOMEWORK BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS, ALRIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO FOR EACH OTHER.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

TIMMY, IT TOOK HER FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TO DRIVE US HERE.

SO, NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GO AND DO HER HOMEWORK

FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.

DOESN'T THAT SOUND MESSED UP, TO YOU?

LET'S JUST GO.

SHE CALLS YOU HER PERSONAL MATH HOBBIT.

AH, THAT'S BULLSHIT. I'M NOT GONNA BELIEVE THAT.

YEAH? DAVID TOLD ME.

WHAT?

IS THAT TRUE?

I'M SORRY.

SHUT UP!

IS THAT TRUE?

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY IT

JUST PLEASE STOP TALKING! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BITCH TO ME?

LET'S GO, TIMMY.

NO, I KNOW. YOU TAKE HER SIDE.

I'M NOT TAKING ANYONE'S SIDE.

OF COURSE YOU ARE. YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT ME OR PETER.

COME ON. LET'S JUST CROSS THE RIVER, OK GUYS?

STOP BEING A PUSSY.

YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD

IS FULL OF SHIT, OK?

HE DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOU, ME, OR FINDING THE

LABRADOR DUCK. HE JUST WANTS TO PORK ELLEN OF TROY OVER THERE.

I AM NOT

A PUSSY, OK?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE TRYING TO TALK TO HER,

AND FEEL HER UP.

DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP, DAVE. SHE'S PROBABLY JUST

DORK BAITING YOU.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE ELLEN.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.

OH YEAH, I WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND.

BECAUSE HIS MOM DIED HE'S ALL MESSED UP, OR WHATEVER.

FUCK YOU!

ARE YOU OK?

PETER, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

HIS INHALER!

SHIT, OK. STOP, STOP, STOP.

PETER, STAND UP!

STAND UP, COME ON.

COME ON, COME ON.

WE GOTTA GET HIM TO SHORE.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

THIS WAY, THIS WAY.

OH MY GOD, IT'S SO COLD.

GUYS, IT'S SOUNDING REALLY BAD.

OK, OK. LAY DOWN. LAY DOWN.

I'M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU MOUTH TO MOUTH, OK?

LEAN BACK, LEAN BACK.

STOP, OK READY? 1, 2, 3.

I GOT IT!

I FOUND IT.

THROW IT TO ME.

TIMMY, JUST THROW IT.

OH SHIT, OK.

THROW IT!

OH GOD.

WHAT THE HELL TIMMY?

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM?

I'M SORRY, I'M A MURDERER.

I GOT IT.

PETER.

THAT SUCKED.

YOU ALRIGHT?

YOU OK?

THANKS AGAIN FOR THE ♪-SHIRT.

IT'S A GOOD COLOR FOR YOU.

IT REALLY IS.

SO HOW LONG-?

SHH.

GREAT HORNED OWL.

NICE.

PERSONAL FRICKIN HOBBIT.

THERE'RE TONS OF GIRLS OUT THERE, TIMMY.

EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, "MS. I HAVE CRAZY WILD SEX WHENEVER I WANT."

WHAT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN OUR FACES.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'VE NEVER EVEN HAD SEX, OK?

THAT'S BULLSHIT. YOU'RE DATING A GUY IN A BAND.

WE'VE ONLY KISSED, AND HE LIVES IN MINNESOTA ANYWAY.

IS THAT WHERE YOU'RE FROM?

I LIVED THERE FOR A YEAR.

THEN BEFORE THAT DELAWARE, TEXAS, GUAM, AND

GERMANY?

GERMANY, YEAH.

MY DAD'S IN THE AIRFORCE.

THAT'S SO BADASS.

IT SUCKS.

I'M ALWAYS THE NEW GIRL, AND THEN WHENEVER I MAKE A FRIEND,

WE MOVE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING NEXT?

ACTUALLY IT LOOKS LIKE WE'LL BE IN SUMWORTH FOR GOOD NOW.

OK, WELL

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

UM

TECHNICALLY SPEAKING I'VE NEVER REALLY DONE A GIRL,

NOT EVEN MISSIONARY STYLE.

YOU'RE FIFTEEN.

IT'S OK. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I MEAN, I'VE ONLY KISSED LIKE ONE BOY.

OK, WELL I HAVE ANOTHER CONFESSION TO MAKE.

UM

TECHNICALLY SPEAKING I'VE NEVER REALLY KISSED A GIRL.

ME NEITHER.

SPIN THE STICK?

RIGHT.

I'VE, UM

I'VE NEVER REALLY KISSED A GIRL EITHER.

NO?

I'M SORRY.

DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

THAT STORY DOES NOT GET BETTER WITH AGE

UNLIKE THIS WINE.

THANK YOU. NOT FROM A BOX.

OK, SO YOU BRIBED A COP?

I INVENTED A GREAT MEAL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S DEBATABLE.

WAIT, FRENCH FRIES WITH HONEY IS NOT THAT GREAT A MEAL.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S PAYING FOR DAVID'S COLLEGE SO I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

WHERE IS DAVID ANYWAY?

HE'S UH

HE'S ACTUALLY ON A BIRD WATCHING TRIP.

I DON'T KNOW HE WAS STILL IN TO ALL THAT.

OH YEAH, DEFINITELY INTO IT.

THAT'S GREAT.

IS HE STILL PLANNING ON SKIPPING COLLEGE AND

MAKING WILDLIFE FILMS?

WHAT?

WHEN DID HE TELL YOU THAT, TED?

I DON'T KNOW.

THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM.

AT THE FUNERAL.

AHH.

NO, I GUESS WE HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT IT.

ALRIGHT, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE WINE?

YES.

OF COURSE.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HEY PETER?

YEAH?

YOU EVER WISH THAT EARTH WAS MORE LIKE MIDDLE EARTH?

ALL THE TIME.

DRUG LORDS.

I'll STAND GUARD.

YES.

I CAN SEE YOU.

JESUS!

CLOSE YOUR EYES, ALRIGHT?

SORRY.

DONE.

SORRY.

CAN I SEE?

SURE.

THERE IT IS.

FIRST DRAWING?

YEAH.

REALLY TRYING TO PERFECT THAT ONE, HUH?

YEAH, IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S FINE.

LAST YEAR I CAME HOME EARLY FROM SCHOOL ONE TIME

AND MY DAD WAS DOING DRUGS.

WAIT

LIKE DRUG-DRUGS?

YEAH.

LIKE SNORTING CRUSHED OXYCONTIN.

IT WAS PRETTY INTENSE.

I HAVE THIS IMAGE STUCK IN MY HEAD OF HIS FACE WHEN HE SAW ME.

I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE EXCEPT FOR MY SHRINK.

HAVE A SHRINK TOO.

YEAH, I WOULD HOPE SO.

YOU'RE DAD'S GETTING MARRIED IN LIKE TWENTY HOURS.

ARE YOU SAD HE'S MARRYING YOUR MOM'S NURSE?

YEAH.

WAS THERE?

FORGET IT SORRY

OVERLAP?

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

I'M SURE THAT THERE WASN'T

MY MOM WAS SICK FOR A LONG TIME.

I'VE DEFINITELY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ACTUALLY A LOT EASIER TO TALK TO

THAN MY SHRINK.

AND DEFINITELY A LOT EASIER TO TALK TO THEN TIMMY AND PETER.

THANKS.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

HE WAS JUST A GUY THAT I KISSED AT A PARTY, AND I SAID

HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND, BUT

HE'S NOT.

OK.

YEAH, SO

I SHOULD GO BACK TO BED.

OK. I GUESS I'll GUARD... SIT, GUARD.

RIGHT, OK.

YEAH.

- ALRIGHT, WELL GOOD NIGHT. - NIGHT

SHHH.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

TIMMY?

GOD DAMN DRUG LORDS.

WAIT UP.

TIMMY.

IT'S GO TIME.

WAIT, WAIT, YOUR PLAN IS TO KNIFE THEM?

JUST PUT AWAY THE KNIFE TIMMY.

IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.

WOAH.

NICE OUTFITS.

HOW WE DOING?

ANY LUCK FINDING THE LABRADOR?

WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING US?

WE'RE ACTUALLY FOLLOWING OUR GUIDE.

WHO'S YOUR GUIDE?

GENTLEMEN.

BIRDING ON AN ATV.

SEEMS LIKE AN OXYMORON, BUT IT GETS THE JOB DONE.

YOU KNOW?

EVER SINCE YOU BOYS LEFT MY OFFICE,

I'VE BEEN KICKING MYSELF.

HOW COULD I, A NOTED VETERAN OF THE FIELD, ENTRUST

WHAT IS PROBABLY THE BIGGEST ORNITHILOGICAL FIND

OF THE CENTURY, TO, NO OFFENSE NOW, AMATEURS.

LATELY I'VE BEEN SPENDING A BIT OF TIME GUIDING THESE GENTLEMEN

HERE, AND I JUST THOUGHT THE MORE CHAPS HELPING OUT

YEAH, WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

WELL I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

HERE IS FINDING THE BIRD.

WE'RE SIMPLY DOUBLING THE SIZE OF OUR SEARCH PARTY.

JUST A FEW YEARS AGO, EVEN WITH HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE COMBING THE

ARKANSAS BAYOU, WE STILL COULDN'T PROVE OUR CLAIM.

YEAH, WE KNOW. THE IVORY-BILLED WOODPECKER.

WE'RE FANS.

YOU'RE TRYING TO POACH OUR SIGHTING.

WHO'S THE NEW GIRL?

HER NAME'S ELLEN.

GUYS, I'M SORRY.

CAN WE TAKE A SECOND?

OF COURSE.

SORRY.

SO YOU'RE SAYING WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET A SHARED

SIGHTING CREDIT, RIGHT?

OH, CERTAINLY.

I'M SORRY I SHOULD HAVE PREFACED ALL THIS BY SAYING

IT'S FINE. WE THINK WE SAW SOMETHING FLYING SOUTH

A FEW HOURS AGO HEADING TOWARDS CROSS LAKE

I THINK WE SHOULD STICK WITH CEDAR.

IT'S THE MOST OBVIOUS CHOICE.

OF COURSE. WE CAN SPLIT UR, AND WE'LL GO TO CEDAR

AND YOU GUYS CAN GO TO THE RIVER.

A SEA DUCK RESTING ON A RIVER.

HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN BIRDING BEFORE?

OH REALLY?

IT'S JUST WHAT I SAW.

PETER?

HEY!

PETER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NO, NO, NO.

HEY! HEY!

GET OFF OF IT.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

GO, GO, GO.

HOLY SHIT.

THRILLING.

SO WHAT NOW?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN PETER JUST STOLE YOUR FRIENDS' ATV

AND YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL OUR SIGHTING.

JUST THAT.

THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.

ANOTHER WAY IS THAT WE ARE FOUR BIRDERS LOOKING TO FIND

AN EXTINCT DUCK, STANDING ON THE BRINK OF HISTORY.

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STEAL THE

CREDIT FOR THE SIGHTING.

ARE WE COOL?

YES.

MIGUEL FORGOT A TIE.

DO YOU HAVE ONE?

HE'S NOT GOING TO WANT ONE OF MY TIES.

LET ME SEE WHAT DAVID HAS.

DON, I'M GONNA NEED THE LIST FOR THE

WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS?

I THINK I MIGHT BE AN ASSHOLE, TED.

IT'S RARE I GO BIRDING WITH A YOUNGER GENERATION.

I HAD HOPED THAT MY DAUGHTER WOULD HAVE FOLLOWED IN MY

FOOTSTEPS, BUT SHE AND MY EX-WIFE DETEST ME.

DID YOU AND YOUR MOTHER BIRD TOGETHER?

YES.

A LOT.

SHE WOULD OF ADORED THIS.

YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER, BUT BACK IN THE 90S,

SHE DISCOVERED A NEW COLONY OF PIPING PLOVERS

I HAVE ALL THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THE FEELING OF DISCOVERY.

HOW'S YOUR FATHER DOING?

IT MUST BE DIFFICULT FOR THE TWO OF YOU NOW.

HE'S UM, HE'S GETTING MARRIED.

I SEE.

WELL EVERYONE COPES DIFFERENTLY.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST DICKS.

YOUR FATHER'S NOT A DICK.

I'M SORRY, YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.

WELL I DO ACTUALLY.

HE HELPED WITH ARCHIVING DOTTIE'S RESEARCH MATERIALS AT

THE MAGAZINE AFTER SHE DIED.

WHAT?

WAIT, HOW?

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

BIRDS ARE MY MUSES.

AND I STRIVE TO BE A TRUE WATCHER.

I CAN REMEMBER WHEN I SPOTTED MY FIRST GREATER

PRAIRIE CHICKEN, BUT NOT MY OWN DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.

BUT YOU'RE ALREADY

I'M SIXTY-THREE YEARS OLD AND VERY MUCH ALONE.

I GUIDE ASSHOLES FOR MONEY.

I HAVE ONE LEG AND NO DRIVER'S LICENSE.

PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE ME WITH A ROLE MODEL.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE?

OH, BIT OF A MIX UP BETWEEN WHAT I THOUGHT WAS AN

ALBINO NIGHT HAWK AND A HIGH SPEED POLICE CHASE.

OK, KEEP LOOKING.

KEEP LOOKING. SEE IF YOU SEE IT.

REMARKABLE.

IT'S EMPTY THOUGH.

HERE GOES NOTHING.

WAS THAT IT?

MAYBE.

IT WAS A LITTLE MUFFLED.

IT WAS DEFINITELY A GREETING CALL.

I THINK THAT MAYBE IT WAS

OH MY GOD!

THAT WOULD BE A MALE MALLARD.

OH.

WAIT, BUT WHY WOULD IT ANSWER TO A SCOTER CALL?

MAYBE IT WAS RAISED BY SCOTERS.

IT WAS NOT RAISED BY SCOTERS, OK?

YA KNOW? CROSS LAKE IS A FEW MILES UP. I THINK MAYBE

WE SHOULD JUST GO THERE.

WHY WOULD WE GO TO THE LAKE THAT'S FARTHER FROM SHORE?

IT'S NOT UNHEARD OF.

YEAH, IT'S PRACTICALLY UNHEARD OF.

GUYS?

IS THAT YOUR DUCK, DAVID?

OH MY GOD.

WHAT'S IT DOING?

SHH.

IT'S PREENING.

THE LIGHT COULDN'T BE BETTER.

IT'S A MAGNIFICENT BIRD.

♪♪

SHIT!

HEY FELLAS.

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

I'M CARL SR. THIS IS MY SON, CARL JR.

OH AWESOME. YOU JUST SHOT AN EXTINCT DUCK.

TIMMY, CALM DOWN.

I'M NOT SURE YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.

YOU'RE FRIEND IS NUTS.

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH.

EASY.

HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?

THESE MORONS SHOT IT.

EVERYONE, RELAX.

YOU SHOT AN EXTINCT DUCK, SIR.

DOES EXTINCT MEAN SOMETHING DIFFERENT THESE DAYS?

IT'S SUFFERING.

GIVE IT TO ME.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

MAY I SEE THE ANIMAL?

THIS ISN'T A LABRADOR DUCK.

WHAT?

ITS NECK DOES DECLINE STRANGELY, BUT I THINK WHAT WE HAVE HERE

IS AN ODDLY PLUMAGED, HYBRID MALLARD.

LOOK AT THE WING MARKINGS.

SEE, THE WING MARKINGS ALWAYS CONCERN ME.

YEP, IT'S DEFINITELY AN ODD HYBRID OF SORTS.

JUST SHUT UP, JEFF.

IF IT'S OK WITH YOU GUYS, WE'D LIKE TO TAKE THE DUCK

FOR OUR BANQUET.

BANQUET?

WE'RE HUNTING FOR OUR CHURCH BANQUET.

ALL THE PROCEEDS ARE GOING TO THE SAVE DARFUR FOUNDATION.

WELL, THAT'S A BIT OF A SILVER LINING.

DAVID, IT'S

DAVID, IT WAS JUST A HYBRID MALLARD.

HE LOOKED AT ME.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO SUFFER.

I KNOW.

WHY'D SHE HAVE TO DIE?

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

YOU KNOW, IN INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM, THE BAD GUY

THAT GOES AROUND, AND HE RIPS THE HEART OUT OF PEOPLE, AND HE

HOLDS IT UP IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE SO THEY WATCH IT BEAT.

YEAH, I HATE THAT PART.

I... I DON'T SEE HOW IT'LL EVER STOP HURTING.

WELL, UM, MAYBE ONE DAY IT'LL FEEL LESS AWFUL THAN RIPPING AN

ORGAN OUT OF YOUR CHEST PAIN?

BUT MY GUESS IS IT WILL ALWAYS HURT.

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT-WHAT TIME IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK MY PHONE DIED LIKE THREE HOURS AGO

WILL WE MAKE IT BACK FOR THE WEDDING?

I MEAN, WE DON'T HAVE A CAR. WE COULD ASK

I WONDER IF I HAVE CELL SERVICE

OH MY GOD.

WHAT?

WHAT?

THIS IS WORSE THAN IT LOOKS.

WE NEED TO GET YOU HOME.

YEAH.

SO, THOSE GUYS WEREN'T REALLY DRUG LORDS.

NO, THEY WERE PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF DRUG LORDS.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TASTE THAT, ARE YOU?

SSS.

JUST KIDDING, IT'S ROCK CANDY.

I SAID IT WAS ROCK CANDY.

YOU'RE FIRST CORRECT ID.

IT'S GOING ON MY LIFE LIST.

NOW WE'LL HEAR A MUSICAL SELECTION FROM THE

SON OF THE BRIDE,

MIGUEL SANTOS.

MIGUEL.

♪ MEET ME TONIGHT IN DREAMLAND ♪

♪ UNDER THE SILVERY MOON ♪

♪ MEET ME TONIGHT IN DREAMLAND ♪

♪ WHERE LOVE'S SWEET ROSES BLOOM ♪

♪ MEET ME IN DREAMLAND ♪

♪ OH SWEET DREAMY DREAMLAND ♪

♪ THERE MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE ♪

THANK YOU, MIGUEL.

AND NOW THE RINGS, DAVID.

YOU WORKING AT YOUR OWN WEDDING?

RIGHT? IT'S PRETTY MESSED UP.

YOU KNOW THERE'S A MILLION PEOPLE TO TALK TO OUT THERE?

I KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR HIRING ERIC I GUESS.

THAT IS WHAT YOU GET.

DAD.

YEAH?

WERE YOU SEEING JULIANA

BEFORE OR AFTER MOM?

DEFINITELY AFTER.

OK.

YOUR MOTHER WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

NO, I DIDN'T.

AH JESUS CHRIST.

DAVID, I'M SORRY I SHOULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB OF

EXPLAINING IT ALL.

WE SPOKE ABOUT IT.

NO WE DIDN'T.

WE DIDN'T SPEAK ABOUT IT. NOT REALLY.

WE DIDN'T.

YOU KNOW, IT'S

IT'S LIKE YOU REMEMBER THAT

I JUST DON'T' WANT TO PRETEND THAT WE DON'T MISS MOM.

ME EITHER.

WANNA GRAB THAT CHICKEN?

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT WE WERE TERRORISTS.

IT WAS AWFUL.

HEY.

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU IN A BAND OR SOMETHING?

EXCUSE ME?

HELLO?

HEY.

HEY, EVERYONE.

UM

SO TECHNICALLY I'M THE BEST MAN HERE,

AND I GUESS I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE A TOAST.

UM

WHERE DO I START? THE THING IS

THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS I'VE BEEN LOOKING

FOR AN EXTINCT DUCK.

NO, IT'S NOT LIKE A METAPHOR OR SOMETHING.

IT TURNS OUT IT WASN'T EXTINCT.

ACTUALLY IT WASN'T THE DUCK I THOUGHT IT WAS.

AND IT GOT SHOT.

BUT IN A WEIRD WAY IT TURNS OUT IT MIGHT HELP THE WHOLE

SITUATION GOING ON IN DARFUR.

SORRY, ANYWAY

I'M GLAD I MADE IT HERE.

TODAY.

ALTHOUGH THE LAST FEW YEARS HAVE BEEN KINDA ROUGH FOR OUR FAMILY.

UM

DAVID?

I KNOW, SORRY.

DAD LIKES TO FILL HOLES WITH LISTS.

THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.

HE WRITES LISTS OF EVERYTHING.

LIKE LISTS OF LISTS.

AND I LIKE TO FIND RARE BIRDS, SO I'M NOT REALLY ONE TALK.

BUT IT DOESN'T

DOESN'T REALLY WORK, WHICH IS WHY I AM SO GLAD

HE FOUND JULIANA.

BECAUSE I KNOW MY MOM REALLY LIKED HER AND MY DAD

OBVIOUSLY LIKES HER TOO.

THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL HERE RIGHT.

SO

I WISH THEM A HAPPY AND LONG LIFE TOGETHER.

HERE'S TO DAD AND JULIANA.

YOU WERE PERFECT.

SO, DOES ERIC KNOW THAT WE, LIKE, DESTROYED HIS ENGINE?

AH YOU KNOW

THE TIMING'S NOT QUITE RIGHT.

HE'S NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ERIC, ALRIGHT?

I'VE GOT SOME SERIOUS SHIT ON HIM THAT

I'VE BEEN SAVING FOR A MOMENT LIKE THIS.

GOT IT.

I THINK I'M GONNA HEAD HOME NOW.

YEAH, ME TOO.

GOOD TIMES.

TOTALLY.

BYE.

SO HOW LONG SHOULD I WAIT UNTIL I CALL KIM?

WHAT?

YOU GOT HER NUMBER?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT, DUDE?

I SHOULD GO TOO.

I GUESS.

SO, WEIRDLY ENOUGH I HAD A LOT OF FUN THIS WEEKEND.

SO DID I.

PETER GAVE ME HIS OLD PAIR.

I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT AS GOOD AS YOURS, BUT

I'M KINDA GETTING THE HANG

HI.

SO UM

I GUESS I'll SEE YOU TOMORROW.

YEAH, OK.

DEFINITELY.

BYE.

SEE YA.

BYE.