Original subtitles

[Pal]

Oh, Mrs. Bellows, lam so excited.

Just imagine, a whole week in Los Angles.

Oh, yes. Jeannie, well, now don't you worry.

Alfred and | understand that this trip

is taking the place of your honeymoon.

SO aS soon as we're unpacked and settled in that room,

we are gonna leave you completely alone.

Now, now. Just be careful. Be careful--

Oh, girls. If we’re gonna get that swim in--

Good afternoon, sir. Oh, good afternoon.

No, no, no. Never mind.

lll manage.

Thank you.

You tip them to bring the bags to the desk,

and then again to bring ‘em to the rooms.

It's absolutely ridiculous. You're right.

Oh, uh, gentlemen, you watch the luggage,

l’ll check the reservations. This way, ladies.

Well-- Right this way.

CLERK: How do you do, sir? Good afternoon.

Um, | believe that you have, uh,

reservations for three rooms.

Uh, they’re in the name of Major Roger Healey.

Just one moment, please.

This is a nice hotel. Very nice.

Good.

I’m sorry, but, uh,

we don't have any reservations under the name of Healey.

And...

there isn’t a vacant room in the house.

That’s impossible.

Well, of course, it’s impossible.

They were made over two weeks ago.

Uh, excuse us a moment. Uh, Amanda.

Alfred, how could this possibly--?

I’m awfully sorry, ma’am.

But | could call around,

and try and find you accommodations,

but it’s not going to be easy.

You see, there are three conventions in town.

Unfortunately, this hotel has only 12 floors.

Heh. And at times like this,

| wish we could just, uh...

grow another one. Heh.

Yes.

Yes, that would be very convenient.

[Pal]

[Pal]

[Pal]

What’s the matter, Amanda? Alfred.

It is all right, everyone.

They have rooms for all of us.

Uh, what did you do to them?

She didn’t do anything. A pretty girl can do things

that we ordinary mortals can't, that’s all.

Well done, Jeannie. | should say so, Jeannie.

Let’s go see the room. | hope--

Uh, sir, couldn't we wait for the bellhop?

Oh, don't be silly, major.

We can save another tip.

[Pal]

Here. Take this. Okay.

Yeah, here we go.

There we are.

Okay. Wow!

Here. This one in here.

Oh, there it is.

Now, wait a minute. You got it?

All right. Pull it up. Uh...

Oh, okay. There. There you are.

Okay. You can come back for the others later. Huh?

I'll do it this time, Agnes.

You watch.

Oh, no. Not again.

It's Fotheringay again. He went into the elevator.

If you don’t stop him he’s gonna jump.

Get. Get!

BELLHOP: Don’t jump, Mr. Fotheringay.

Don't...

jump.

No.

[Pal]

Thirteen-oh-two?

[WHIMPERS]

Thirteen-oh-nine.

There are only 12 floors.

There are only 12 floors.

By now I'm off the roof.

| beg your pardon.

| told you, we Can manage.

Oh, this way, everyone.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Apparently, everything’s just a handout.

Hm? W-w-would someone please tell me

what's going on here?

| better tell someone.

No. Someone better tell me.

Ah!

[SIGHS]

Oh, sorry. [GIGGLES]

Mm. Mm.

You blinked a whole floor?

Well, certainly.

Well, it would have looked silly

to have just three rooms sitting up here all alone.

Yeah, that’s right. How did you know?

Because no hotel in the world has 13 floors.

It's bad luck. Well, it is good luck for us.

Otherwise, we would have no place to stay.

Yeah, but, darling,

hotels don’t grow.

Children grow, trees grow,

but | mean, hotels just can’t--

[SCREAMS] Shh.

Hello, there. I’m sorry

if ’m in your room,

but you see, I’m having a hallucination

due to excessive alcohol, and you're part of it.

Uh, pardon me, sir,

do you have any idea where you are?

Certainly. I’m on the 13th floor.

That's how | know I’m hallucinating.

No hotel has a 13th floor.

Well, h-how did you get here?

Oh, | come over here every few weeks to jump off the roof.

Of course, | never make it.

But-- And | didn’t make it this time either, obviously.

Well, sorry to bother you.

Uh, p-- Pardon me, sir. D-- Where are you going?

| am going down to the desk clerk.

I’m gonna complain.

They can't expect anybody

to jump off the 13th floor.

Yeah. That’s bad luck.

Wait.

Would you stop him, please?

Oh, certainly, master.

Uh, what shall | do with him?

| don’t know. Put him someplace--

Anywhere. | gotta think.

Very well.

Hm. Where’d you put him?

Oh. In Room 1302.

He will like it. It has a very nice view of the bar.

Uh, sure beats green snakes.

Give me room service.

Please, Perkins, I’m very busy.

We have a full house.

You got more than a full house.

| tell ya, this hotel has a 13th floor,

and there are people living there.

Twelve, Perkins. Twelve.

But | went outside and counted them. Thirteen.

[DINGS]

Perkins...

go lie down for a while.

Mr. Montjoy. The most peculiar thing.

| just got a call to send

an order of Scotch to Room 1302.

[Pal]

Come on.

Do | have to?

Sh.

Oh, hi, gang. Shh.

[GASPS]

What’s the matter? You-- Oh, you guys going out too?

No, no. We're gonna change hotels, Roger.

Why are we gonna change hotels? | got a beautiful room.

| know. | know. But Jeannie blinked it.

She blinked the whole floor.

We gotta get the Bellows out before they figure it out.

Why would they figure it out? | haven’t figured it out.

There’s such room as-- There’s no such thing as a 13th floor.

Why would there be a 13th floor in a hotel?

There’s no reason to unpack, sir.

These rooms won't be suitable--

Don't be ridiculous, major. These are perfectly good rooms.

| see no reason to leave them.

Well, we do have that meeting at March Air Force Base

in about three days, sir.

If-- If we should catch cold because of the drafty rooms--

Drafty rooms? What are you talking about, major?

We haven't felt a draft here.

Major Healey, is your room drafty?

Oh yes, it’s, uh-- The gale in a stor--

Gale storms.

That's funny. There’s no draft in this room.

[CHUCKLES]

[WIND GUSTING]

Wind. Why, it’s impossible!

How-- How did it get so cold in here?

It's 85 degrees outside.

Uh, it’s the Santa Ana, sir. It comes in off the desert

very suddenly sometimes. Darling,

all you have to do

is simply shut the window.

No, major, you see, I’m all unpacked.

And we're very happy that you're concerned.

But | have no intention of moving.

Uh, well, it's not only the wind and the cold.

Do you happen to know that this hotel

is located directly under the glide path

for the L.A. International Airport?

Nonsense. We haven't heard any planes.

| haven't heard any planes.

[BOTH CHATTERING]

[RUMBLING]

What’s that?

You see, Sir. You'll never get any sleep.

Major Nelson, in case you’ve forgotten,

we live in Cocoa Beach,

right next to the air base.

And we don’t intend to let

a little airplane noise bother us.

Excuse me. Yeah, yeah, major. Excuse me.

Do you mind? You see, we wanna change,

because Alfred is taking me out to dinner,

and I'd like to get dressed, if you don’t mind.

I'd like to change. Uh--

Oh, yeah, but you won't like-- [KNOCK AT DOOR]

Major Nelson, if you want to move, you’re perfectly welcome.

But we're staying put.

Hi there, you figment

of my alcohol diseased imagination.

Hey, are you having any trouble with the room service?

They act like this floor doesn't even exi--

Afraid you have the wrong room.

Jeannie, Roger. Come on. [MAN YELLS]

Have a nice dinner. Yeah, nice talkin’ to ya.

Excuse me, Sir. Whoops.

Hey, will ya--? Wait a minute, now.

This started out like a pretty good hallucination.

Let’s keep it that way, huh?

PERKINS: Right through this door, Mr. Montjoy.

Hold him. Hold him together.

ROGER: Uh-oh.

PERKINS: You're not gonna believe this. It’s locked.

[Pre] It wasn’t before.

Let's push.

PERKINS: It feels like someone's holding it.

MONTJOY: Just push.

Come here, come here.

[Pal]

Hey, you look more scared than me,

and I’m the one that’s having the hallucination.

Would you put him-- | told you to hold him.

Blink this place out of here.

Oh. But master, the Bellows are in--

| don’t care. One disaster at a time.

Blink the whole floor out.

Wait, | left the shower curtain out.

Oh, he left the shower-- Jeannie.

Ah! [KNOB TURNING]

There it is, Mr. Montjoy. The...

Roof, Perkins.

R-O-O-F.

Roof.

Alfred. Alfred. Can you help me?

My zipper’s caught in my hair.

Just a second, honey.

[LAUGHS] Shh. Shh.

Hm. Did it suddenly get cold in here?

Maybe it’s one of those drafts

Major Nelson was talking about earlier. |--

Someone opened another window, | suppose.

Yeah.

Perkins...come along.

You and | must have a long talk.

Don’t you want to have a look around?

What for? l’ve seen the roof.

| know what it looks like.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Oh, never mind, Alfred. | got it.

Pop the corridor back in. Pop the corridor back in.

Mm-hm.

You know, up until today, | figured I'd stop drinking.

But not now. This is too much fun.

Where are you going? I’m going to the bar.

For the last few minutes,

this hallucination’s been going downhill.

You’re wouldn't tell anybody

about this, would you?

Oh. Are you kidding?

| may be a drunk, but I’m not crazy. Yeah.

[EXHALES] [SIGHS]

Yeah. Well, that’s one problem gone.

And the Bellows are going out to dinner for the evening.

And that means we shall have the evening all to ourselves.

No, no, we're not.

We can’t let the Bellows get out of this hotel.

Oh, but, master, if they leave, that means we can be alone.

Darling, they can't leave because there’s no elevator.

Easy. | will simply blink an elevator.

| don’t want you to blink any elevator.

If they go downstairs and tell anybody

they've been living on the 13th floor,

I’m in real trouble. Yeah, well, what do we do now?

Well, until this, uh, floor

is blinked out once and for all,

we're gonna make the Bellows very happy right here.

Right here on this floor. Great way to spend a vacation.

Or a honeymoon. Yeah.

Or a honeymoon. Oh, boy.

You get your own honeymoon.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Amanda, you got the key, dear?

Yes, darling, it’s right here in my purse.

Ready? Uh-huh.

Surprise. Surprise.

Here are some flowers for you, Mrs. Bellows.

We found a wonderful restaurant right here in the hotel, sir,

and | took the liberty of ordering

a gourmet dinner right up here.

Well, now, i--

Isn’t that nice?

Well, yes, indeed, it is nice.

But, good heavens, | thought you two

wanted to spend this evening alone.

We do.

Uh, but-- But we thought it would be nice

if we all spent our first night in Los Angeles together.

Alfred, isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard?

Yes. Um...is, uh, Major Healey coming?

Oh, | hope so. Oh, |’m-- I’m sure he'll be here any--

Wow. Look at that. Well.

Monsieur.

Oh. May | see?

[MUMBLING IN FRENCH]

Oh. That looks scrumptious. Darling, look.

Ha-ha-ha.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Hah! Oh.

Oh, my. Oh.

Uh, Major Nelson, please.

The least thing you can do is, uh, let us supply the wine.

Uh, the wine. Oh, yes, the wine.

| forgot the wine. Uh, I'll get it, sir.

I-- | got the rest of the dinner,

I'll get the wine too.

Please, | insist.

Jeannie, do something. Hm?

Do something quick. Oh. Oh.

E-excuse me, please. Yeah.

Thank you, darling. Uh-- Uh, Dr. Bellows,

I-| left my credit card in my room.

’ll go get it right way. Room service.

Room service.

[Pal]

[BROOKLYN ACCENT] A bottle of Valpolicella 61,

for Room 1308. Right away. Yes, sir.

Hey, Jeannie. Listen, | need your help.

Oh.

Uh.

Oh, thanks.

No. Nineteen sixty one.

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Thanks. Oh.

Oh, that’s it.

Voila. Voila.

Whoa.

Thank you. Alfred, where did everybody go?

| don’t know. [SPEAKING FRENCH]

Thank you.

Oh, there she is. Yes.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Thank you. Mademoiselle...

Oh.

Mademoiselle... Oh.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Oh. Ah. Oh. Estupido.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Bonsoir, madame et monsieur. Good evening.

| have here, uh, a bottle of Valpolicella,

which | have selected with my very own hands,

for your perusal. Heh-heh.

Good, Tony. Good. Good, good. Oh.

Uh, Antoine. My name is Antoine.

As your aid, you need me to open this for you?

Hi, everybody. Hey, what a great idea-- Oof.

Oh. Pardon, monsieur. Pardon. Quite all right.

Would you like to try this? Tony will be along in a few.

Uh, look, waiter, | wonder if | could have white wine.

Maybe a little Chablis, okay? Oh.

Yes, the red’s fine. Very good.

Would you sit down, please? Okay.

Not there, you idiot. In a chair. Okay.

[Pal]

You almost ready, honey? Oh, | am, dear. Yes.

Disneyland. | can hardly wait.

Oh, isn’t it exciting, darling?

Oh, do you think we should invite the Nelsons to join us?

Oh, Amanda. Honeymoon couples like to sleep late.

Oh, yes. Of course they do.

Good morning, everybody. Hi.

Would you like to wile away a few hours with the cards? Huh?

Oh, don't be silly, major. We're going to Disneyland.

Uh. Major, it’s a beautiful day.

Well, no, the forecast calls for, uh, rain.

Rain? Yes, rain.

Don’t be ridiculous.

Why, there’s not a cloud in the sky.

Amanda. [THUNDER RUMBLING]

Oh, how terrible. Oh.

Would you like to play a little, uh, whist or pinochle?

Hey. What a beautiful day out, isn’t it? Ha-ha.

Ah. For a rainstorm.

Uh. Pillow fight.

BELLOWS: Three shirts.

Let me take off my glasses.

Oh, no. That’s wrong.

Let me put my glasses back on.

Heh. There we are.

Three shirts. No starch.

No starch, no starch. One man’s suit.

Ah, one man’s suit. No starch.

One woman's suit. One woman’s suit, no starch.

One pair of shoes. Pair of shoes.

Nicely shined. Spit shined. Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, hi, Jeannie. Oh. Hello, Major Healey.

What am | gonna do with this? Can you help?

Oh, certainly, Major Healey. Just go right into our room.

In your room. What's in there?

[Pal]

Ah.

Oh.

Well, this is all very nice, major,

but really, we don’t mind shopping in the rain.

There’s no sense shopping in the rain

when the hotel has everything you need.

Where’s Jeannie? | should think she’d want to see this.

Uh-- Uh, little tired, sir.

She decided to take a nap.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Nice, huh? One-hundred-fourteen, fifty

at the boutique downstairs.

Nice, huh?

[Pal]

Ah. Oh!

Oh!

Well...

Amanda, come on. Shh.

Let’s go. Come on.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

Shh. Shh.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] All right.

Shh. Watch it, watch it. Shh, shh.

Now, when | got downstairs-- Shh.

Shh. Shh. Ooh.

Thank you.

Shh.

Tiptoe out. Watch it.

Ah! [GASPS]

Dinner is served. Oh.

We didn't order any-- Here you are.

A-Alfred-- This must be some mistake.

Major Nelson asked me to send this up here exactly for you.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

Sit down, madame. And you, sir.

Sit right down there.

Oh, now-- Thank you.

There you are, madame. And for you, sir.

And dinner is served.

f Hava Nagila Hava... I

I’m suffocating, Alfred.

If at first you don’t succeed and, uh--

Oh, all that.

[Pal]

There he goes again. After him.

Oh no, sir. Not me.

Perkins, he’s liable to jump.

If | go up there and find a 13th floor again,

so am |.

Heaven's sakes, ’ll go with you.

[DINGS] Take over for a few minutes.

[GRUFFLY] Come on. Do | have to?

[Pal]

[SNORING]

Shh-shh-shh-shh.

Shh-shh-shh. Shh-shh.

Amanda. What?

Do you think leaving a note is enough?

Maybe we should tell them. Oh, no, Alfred. No.

If we tell them, they’ll just think

of some other way of keeping us here.

[SOBBING] And, Alfred, | can’t stand it anymore.

Now, Amanda...

Oh. This is ridiculous.

You've been the 13th floor long enough.

You're a roof.

You understand? You're a roof.

That’s funny.

It must be the other way.

Oh, Alfred. It's not the other way.

| Know where we got off the elevator,

and it was right here. Then where is it?

| don’t know.

[SQUEALS] Alfred, we’re trapped!

Oh, that-- Oh, e-excuse me.

Could you kindly tell me where the elevator is?

What’s the matter, buddy? You crazy?

There ain’t no elevator on the roof.

[Pal]

Perkins, what do you see?

Just...the roof, sir.

With wall-to-wall carpeting?

It’s a real class hotel. [GROANS]

Come along, Perkins.

We're going to get to the bottom of this. Must we?

Alfred, did you hear what he just said?

Pay no attention, dear. He’s drunk.

| know he’s drunk. | Know. But the point is--

But he said-- Oh, uh,

here’s the desk clerk.

Oh, uh, excuse us. But we’re looking for the elevator.

What are you people doing on the roof?

BELLOWS: Now, see here. Enough is enough.

We've been staying in this hotel

for the past three days.

We have a room on the 13th floor.

So would you kindly tell us where the elevator is?

First, you have not been staying here

because / told you there were no rooms.

Second, there is no 13th floor.

Therefore, thirdly, there can't be any elevator.

[MAGIC BOINGS]

Going down?

Who are you?

Sir, | have no time for conversation.

If you would all step into the rear of the lift, please.

Oh, Alfred, I-- | have calls on nine, seven,

three and five. [ALL CHATTERING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Floors?

Up, please.

You won't say anything, will you?

Say anything about what?

About what. Yes, that’s right.

There's nothing to say.

Oh, uh-- I-I’ll check out, Amanda.

Uh, that has all been taken care of, sir.

What? Yes.

Say, uh, you’re the only one around here

who seems to know what’s going on.

Thanks you, Sir.

Would you kindly explain?

You mean you don’t know?

Oh, no wonder you're confused.

Well, you see, this hotel has no 13th floor.

Or rather, it does,

but no one is supposed to know about it, you see.

It’s owned entirely

by, um, an eccentric millionaire industrialist,

whose initials are...

H.H.

[GASPS]

H.H. Shh. Please, madam.

Shh, shh. Well--

I-- I'll get it. Yes.

When H.H. heard that--

That, uh, persons from NASA were here,

including the two astronauts,

and there were no rooms available,

of course he made his suite available for you.

Oh. How incredibly generous.

Well, | thought so. Uh, uh, tell me,

is, um, H.H. staying in this hotel?

We'd like to thank him. That’s impossible.

I’m afraid H.H. is asleep.

[Pal]

[MAGIC BOINGS]

Thank you very much. Did you blink it out?

Oh, yes, master. No more 13th floor.

[WHINES]

Uh, hello. And, uh, tell me

what made you all decide to check out too?

We got in trouble with the shop steward.

He wanted us to join the waiters’ union.

[HIT ON BACK]

Your cab’s on its way.

Uh, thank you very much.

Uh-- Alfred. Give him something.

Oh, yes.

There we are.

Alfred, for heaven’s sake.

This hotel has bent over backwards

to give us good service.

Give him enough for everyone.

[LAUGHS] Well, of course.

That’s for the waiter.

And that’s for the wine steward.

And that’s for the valet. And--

Don't forget the elevator boy.

Oh, yes. The, um-- The elevator boy.

You know, the very bright one.

The one with the, uh... The small mustache.

And, uh... this is for you.

The entire staff thanks you.

You're very welcome.

Bye. Bye.

[Pal]

[SIGHS]

Nice working with you.

[WHISTLES]

| need a vacation.

[Pal]