Original subtitles

[Pal]

Congratulations, Major Nelson.

| just got the word.

Washington has approved your nomination

as the senior officer on the Lunar Landing Project.

Oh, yes, yes. Thank you very much, sir.

Of course it won't be official

until General Whetherby approves you.

Uh, General Whetherby, sir?

Yes, Pentagon liaison. He's arriving today.

Ah. Oh, but don’t worry.

The job is yours.

Unless of course you foul things up

by doing something weird.

Heh. Weird? Me, sir? [CHUCKLES]

Please, Major Nelson.

Weird is the mildest word | can think of

to describe some of the things you've done.

Although | must admit that, uh, things have been pretty quiet

since you got engaged.

Well, getting engaged does quiet a man down, sir.

Well, in your case, it was long overdue.

Mmm.

Oh, that reminds me, uh, your charming fiancée

is having lunch with Amanda today.

Oh. Uh, Jeannie’s having l-lunch with Amanda, sir?

Where? Where would that be, sir?

At our house.

What’s the matter with you, major?

You look positively gray.

You know, | want to really get to know you.

Well, how nice. Yes.

Oh! Oh, this Florida sunshine.

Honestly, it is just turning my skin to leather.

Really? Oh, yes.

I’ve tried everything, and nothing seems to work.

What do you use?

Oh, just regular genie cream.

Genie cream? No, I’ve never tried that.

Hello, Helen.

Well, i-it is a special formula.

Oh.

Perhaps | have some here with me.

| think you will find this will help.

And you may keep it. Oh, thank you, Je--

Oh, I’m going to try it right away.

Oh, once in the morning is all you need.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Jeannie.

Tha-- Oh, for goodness...

[Pal]

Mmm.

Mmm. Feels better already.

Mmm.

Now, about that gift.

[Pal]

[Pal]

[Pal]

Well, general, Major Nelson’s not a kid.

He, um, thinks creatively, but he’s very mature.

He is, huh? Um...

You'll, uh, see when you meet him.

Old for his age, wise and tough.

Married man, is he? Engaged.

A tough, wise, old, engaged man.

Huh? Oh, no, no, | wasn’t worried.

| was just wondering

what Mrs. Bellows meant when she said--

Oh, oh, | see. You gave her a little jar of face cream, huh?

Well, that’s sweet.

Okay, darling. I’ll-- ’ll talk to you later. Bye.

[Pal]

[WHISTLES]

Hello, major. Hello.

Miss.

Oh, oh, make my wildest dreams come true.

Tell me you’re looking for me.

Oh, Major Healey.

You know my name. You’re looking for me.

You’re beautiful. | mean, you really are beautiful.

Oh, well, thank you.

If you’re not doing anything tonight,

maybe we could get married.

Oh, Major Healey, you're a bit strange most of the time,

but today! Strange? It’s fate.

A beautiful girl comes walking down--

Major Healey. You’re the most-- Wait.

Oh! Oh, miss. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Tony, | just met a girl. You can't--

| just met the girl and I’m in love with her.

Again? Oh, not again.

This girl makes Raquel Welch look like--

Everett Dirksen? Yeah. How’d you know?

You used that last week. Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, no, | mean, this girl is beautiful.

She’s a little young for me. Yeah. Well, aren't they all?

What’s her name? Oh, her name.

Well, she’s luscious, she’s beautiful, she’s young.

Her name is, uh, Amanda Bellows?

Uh, Roger, really. This is serious.

I-- | got to finish this report. No, | mean it.

| saw this girl in the hallway,

and she dropped this badge.

Are you sure? I’m sure.

I've never been wrong about women.

What do you think it means?

It means we better find the girl of your dreams.

| think we've got an impostor here.

No. This girl's too pretty. She can’t be an impostor.

Was she out this--? Out this way.

Which way’d she go? ROGER: Down there.

[Pal]

Tony. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Yeah. Is that her?

Yeah. Don’t worry about it. It was my goof.

I'll do the interrogation. No, no, no.

Excuse me, miss. My name's Anthony Nelson.

|, uh-- | understand you were wearing this.

Would you tell me where you got it?

Very funny, Major Nelson.

Now would someone let me in on the joke?

Whoever she’s working for knows how to pick ‘em.

She sure sounds like Mrs. Bellows.

lam Mrs. Bellows!

Roger, | have a sick feeling.

Me too. | think the girl I’m in love with is a spy.

Huh? Don’t worry, darling.

lll get you the best lawyers. ’ll stick by you to the end.

Major Nelson, get him off me!

Roger, take your hands off of her.

Uh, could you tell me where you were about an hour ago?

Well, having lunch with your fiancée. You know that.

You called right after she left.

Di-- Uh-- Did she give you anything?

Well, yes. A jar of face cream. Why?

Roger, take your hands off Mrs. Bellows.

What would | want with Mrs. Bellows?

I’m in love with her. Ohl!

Roger, this is Mrs. Bellows. I’m sorry, Mrs. Bellows.

This is-- Jeannie gave her some face cream. You understand?

Face cream! Face cream?

Oh, I’m not sure, but I-- | think I’m heartbroken.

Excuse me.

[AMANDA YELLING]

I’m sorry about this, Mrs. Bellows.

Not half as sorry as you're going to be

when my husband hears about this!

Jeannie, listen to me.

| don't have time to answer questions.

You get over here just as soon as you can.

Ah! BELLOWS: Nelson!

Here. AMANDA: Oh, Alfred!

Help!

Major Healey, were you leaning on that door?

No, sir. | was just leaving.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

What’s going on here?

Major Nelson.

Ah!

No. Ah. Mmm.

| can explain all this, sir. Somehow.

That’s the mature, stable, engaged man you recommended?

Stand aside.

[AMANDA GRUNTING]

[TONY YELLS]

| knew something weird would happen.

I’m beginning to wonder about your maturity, doctor.

Hold on. Uh, general.

| just wanted to tell you that...

Good afternoon, Dr. Bellows.

Oh, uh, | wouldn’t come in here if | were you.

Why not? Oh, hi, Jeannie.

Oh, hello. Heh.

Oh, what is in the closet, Major Healey?

Oh, I-- | can’t watch this.

Dr. Bellows, | can explain. Dr. Bellows-- Oh!

[GIGGLES]

Oh!

[SCREAMS]

No! It’s not--

Oh, Anthony! How could you?

See, | can explain this.

| can explain this. | can expl-- Wait, Jeannie!

Oh, Mrs. Bellows, I’m so sorry.

Oh. Darling, oh, | love you.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Mrs. Bellows, wait a second!

Is it something | said? Mrs. Bellows?

TONY: Jeannie. Jeannie! Stop!

This whole thing was your fault anyway.

My fault? Yes.

Oh! Oh, master--

Now-- Now-- Now-- Shh! Don’t.

Oh, oh, pardon me, sir.

You donated to the Serviceman’s Pension Plan?

No-- No, | haven't. Jeannie, look, look.

Don’t blink, don’t blink! Oh, | can’t help it, sir.

See, | have this astigmatism. You have no reason to be mad.

Where are you? Oh, I’m not mad. I’m not.

Sometimes my enthusiasm gets in the way

and make people think it’s anger.

And it’s really not anger at all.

[MUTTERING]

But, general, you don’t understand.

That was not the Major Nelson | know.

And you call that-- That cloakroom Casanova mature?

Well, he is. | mean, he was.

But you must understand.

| would never recommend a man

capable of that kind of behavior.

[SOBBING] Oh. Oh, Alfred. Oh!

Oh, you wouldn't, huh?

Oh! Young woman, if you don’t mind...

Well, what’s the matter?

Aren't you even going to ask me what | was doing in that closet?

Well, it was quite evident, uh, Miss, uh...

Oh, now you’re going to pretend you don't know me.

Well, I’m sorry, miss, but I-- | really don't.

Oh.

| hope | wake up soon.

|-- |-- | hate this dream!

[SOBBING]

| suppose you're going to tell me

you've never seen that, uh, busy young beauty before.

That’s exactly what I’m going to say.

But, uh, it seems I-- I’ve heard that voice before.

She sounds exactly like my wife.

Oh, yes. That's always the way it is.

They run away from their wives

and then they find another one exactly the same.

Me?

Shame on you...Bellows.

Good heavens.

[Pal]

[CHUCKLING] You old goat.

| didn’t know you had it in you.

But jumping cannonballs, man, not in public!

But--

| checked the parking lot. Mrs. Bellows must've gone home.

Okay. Uh, get over to the house

and keep her from looking in mirrors

until Jeannie straightens this out.

Right, right. And, Roger.

Yeah? [STAMMERING]

Remember, try to find the cream.

Right. Yeah? Roger.

Try to remember it's Mrs. Bellows.

Roger! Yeah...

Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows.

Uh, | want to explain about what-- What went on back there.

You see, one of the secretaries got, uh, a cinder

in her, um, contact lens, and I-I was trying to--

Save it for later, Major Nelson.

Four o'clock, my house.

General Whetherby will be there.

And make it believable, will you?

Yeah. [SIGHS]

But you don't want to hear about the secretary, then?

Uh, w-with-- With a cinder in her--

This has been a very strange day.

[GRUNTS]

[Pal]

[Pal]

You and Amanda Bellows? No.

You and Amanda Bellows.

You gave her that genie cream and you made her look like a--

A glamorous jet-set debutante.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Well, i-it is true.

Genie cream will change

a person’s appearance if they wish it.

Would you turn Mrs. Bellows back the way she was?

Oh, yes, master.

Oh, heh, well, I-l cannot.

Well, y-you see, the spell is not on Mrs. Bellows.

It is in the cream.

Well, then change the cream.

| Know. | know, master!

| will blink an antidote.

Heh-heh. Here it is, master. Thank you.

| hope it works. Yeah. | hope so too.

Now, the next thing | want you to do--

Is stay in my bottle so that | will not get you

into anymore trouble. Absolutely right.

Will you let me out of here? Yes, master.

[Pal]

[SIGHS]

Hm.

It will work.

[Pal]

[SNIFFLES]

[SOBBING]

[SCREAMS] Oh!

You.

What are you doing here?

Alfred, what’s wrong?

Young woman, you have me confused

with someone else.

| hate to say this, but | think one of us

needs a psychiatrist fast.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

But, Alfred, what are you doing?

Hiding you from my wife. But | am your wife.

You'll never convince her of that.

[SIGHS] Oh, hi, Dr. Bellows.

Uh, Major Healey, what can | do for you?

Oh, uh, uh-- Oh, nothing special, sir.

Uh, uh, oh, | was, uh--

| was wondering if you’d like to buy a ticket for the, uh, oh,

for the Astronaut’s, uh, Relief, uh, uh, Fund Ball.

No, Major Healey, | don’t want any tickets.

Now would you kindly leave?

AMANDA: Alfred, let me out of here.

There’s someone at your closet. Do you want to get that, sir?

AMANDA: Alfred, | am your wife!

[AMANDA YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh. Dr. Bellows, I’m shocked.

It's a mistake, major.

I’m getting out of here.

You're crazy. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Wait a minute. I'll take care of it. This way.

To the bedroom. No! Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no, wait. You take care of her.

I'll go and see if the coast is clear. Oh.

The coast is clear? In my bedroom?

[GLASS SHATTERING]

You’re all mad.

And | Know what’s happened. It’s germ warfare.

They've destroyed your minds.

The coast is clear.

[Pal]

Major Healey, what was that crash?

Oh, uh, uh, s-sonic boom, sir. Terrible problem.

Oh. Uh, why are we taking you in here?

| want her out of here, out of my life.

Oh, Alfred. Yes, sir. We all do.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You get that, sir. l’ll Keep her out of sight.

Thank you very much, Major Healey.

| won’t forget this. Major Healey. Ooh!

Get your hands-- Ooh!

Oh, oh! Oh! Not in there!

There are mirrors in there.

Oh, hello, Dr. Bellows.

Uh, Major Nelson, you're a bit early.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

What is he doing in there?

Uh, who would that be, sir? Uh, Major Healey.

It sounds like he’s breaking mirrors.

lll check on it. Oh, no, no. Wait. Wait.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Oh...

He'll never believe me.

No one will ever believe me.

[AMANDA YELPS]

Oh. Hello, Mrs. Bellows.

It's gonna be all right in a couple of minutes.

You stay away from me. You’re as crazy as the rest of ’em.

Huh? Oh, excuse me. [GLASS SHATTERING]

TONY: Roger!

He knows it’s me. He knows who | am.

| had to break them all. She started to look into them.

Maybe this is the one, huh?

All right, hang on to it. Here’s the antidote. Shh.

[SOFTLY] Here’s the antidote.

All we have to do is get it on Mrs. Bellows’ face.

Okay? Now, here, take that. And don’t mix ’em up.

ROGER: | won't.

Mrs. Bellows!

[Pal]

ROGER: Whoa, oh, oh.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

BELLOWS: Major Nelson! Uh, get that cream on her face.

Hmm? Oh, hello, sir.

Oh, uh, Major Nelson,

General Whetherby is due here any minute.

| want that woman out of here before he comes.

Roger's taking care of that right now, sir.

But how? There’s no outside door in the bedroom.

Uh, that’s-- That’s right.

No, that’s right. There-- Oh, no, wait.

Oh, forget about the general.

What if Amanda should come home?

Well, | think there’s little danger of that, sir.

Oh. Uh, uh, m-m-m-m--

Major. Ooh.

Funny place to hang your jacket.

Yeah. Ohl!

[GLASS SHATTERING] [SCREAMS]

[Pal]

Wait, Mrs. Bellows. Wait a minute.

| wanna talk, Mrs. Bellows. Maniac!

No, Mrs. Bellows.

Mrs. Bellows, wait! | don’t wanna hurt you.

| just want to smear a little cream on your face.

In all my years in the Air Force,

I’ve faced many dangers, and I’ve never flinched.

But if my wife found that other woman--

Oh, no. No. [DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh. You better pull yourself together, sir.

Yes.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] ROGER: Mrs. Bellows.

Mrs. Bellows. Miss...

Uh, Mrs. Bellows? She-- She won't come out.

Uh, uh, this is Major Nelson. Please, let me in.

I-- | can explain everything.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Oh, uh, come in, general.

Come in, come in.

Oh, uh, Major Nelson’s very anxious to explain

what happened at the base.

Good. Where is he?

Oh, he’s right over here.

[rl] Oh, uh, he’s not here...yet.

From the look of things, doctor, neither are you.

| want you to know what a great service

you've done for your country.

| have? Yes.

About what? Yeah, ’bout what?

Well, there are certain conditions in space

that affect perception.

Uh, for instance, we had to know

what would happen to an astronaut

if he suddenly became unrecognizable

to his fellow crewmates.

But why me? Yeah, why her?

A very good question, Roger. Thank you.

We needed someone who was unaware that the experiment

was being conducted. Oh, now, Major Nel--

And also someone who was bright,

uh, intelligent, perceptive... And beautiful.

And, of course, beautiful.

Oh...

Well...

I’m glad that | was some service.

But why didn’t Alfred say something?!

Uh, top secret.

He’s been instructed not to breathe a word of this. Ever.

Shall we conclude with the experiment?

Roger.

The cream. Oh, yeah. Oh, the cream.

Uh... Oh, | think it was the gray one.

No. No, wait a minute.

| think it was the... The red.

Which one is it, Roge?

I’m not sure.

But, major, is the experiment still going on?

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, general, it’s very important to us here at NASA

that Major Nelson head this project.

You feel that strongly about him, do you?

Oh, yes, sir, | do. Well, he better show up soon.

Because, besides explaining what he was doing in that closet,

I’m going to wanna know why he’s so late.

Major Healey, what are you doing?

| know it's here someplace.

And while you're explaining that,

you can tell me why you've been breaking all my mirrors.

Huh? Oh, ooh!

Oh, oh, oh! Whoops, whoops.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Good idea, Roge.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Roger! Would you come over here? Yeah. What?

We're gonna have to use all of ‘em.

Get the other jar. Right!

Mrs. Bellows, | wonder if you would

assist us in the latter part of our experiment.

This is called a tactile sensory exploration.

[CHUCKLES] Oh. I--

Now, let’s try this. Oh! Ooh!

Notice any difference in her?

No. She just looks a little greasier.

Huh? Greasier.

Get another one, another one. Yeah, another one.

Oh. Oh, no.

[WHINING]

Do you notice anything? Huh?!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

It worked!

It worked, Tony. We did it. We did it!

Tony, we did it. Oh, it worked.

Tony. Tony. Tony.

Mrs. Bellows.

TONY: Uh, there you are, Mrs. Bellows.

Uh, you've been more than helpful.

Our experiment in tactile sensory exploration is over.

Not quite.

Oh!

That is tactile sensory revenge.

Mrs. Bellows. Oh...

Well, you've gotta admit you had it coming.

Huh? Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Let me get a towel. Oh...

ROGER: You okay?

Roge, | was just thinking.

If | was 10 years younger, | could handle this.

But Jeannie’s making an old man out of me.

Now, about General Whetherby...

[Pal]

Roge?

Roge, why are you looking at me like that?

[Pal]

Roger, hurry, | can’t find it.

Jeannie, forget what he said about staying home.

Just get here.

In the Bellows’ bathroom.

That's right. The bathroom.

Tsk. Oh.

Alfred, would you mind please telling me what is going on

with the mirrors in this house?

| don’t know, dear.

Major Healey seems to have a-- A thing about them.

Tell me, did you see anything strange in the bedroom?

No. Just Major Nelson and Major Healey.

Oh, but it’s all right, dear,

because | know how to keep a secret.

Bedroom? Major Nelson in the bedroom?

| thought you told me he wasn’t here yet.

Uh, well, he’s not, sir. | mean, uh, not here.

Uh, | mean, uh...

[LAUGHING]

Jeannie, will you please control yourself

and blink another jar of the antidote.

[LAUGHING] Oh.

I’m sorry, master. [LAUGHS]

I’m so sorry, but you look so funny.

[LAUGHS] Jeannie, please!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Oh.

Major Nelson, this is General Whetherby!

Will you come out here, please?!

Jeannie, please.

[LAUGHING]

Major Nelson, I'll give you exactly five seconds

to get out here.

I’m a busy man!

TONY: Calling me, sir?

Major Nelson, you get ou--

You were in there. You-- You said--

Uh, you said. | s-- | said?

Oh, | have said all |am going to say

on this or any subject for at least 24 hours.

TONY: Oh, General Whetherby,

I'd like you to meet my fiancée. This is Jeannie.

Whetherby’s the one that found me trying to get

the cinder out of the secretary’s eye.

Oh, | am so happy to meet you, general.

Isn’t it funny how the simplest things can become misunderstood?

[LAUGHING] Yes.

Yes. Yes. |, uh--

Well, Major Nelson, | have a feeling that I’ve be--

I've been very wrong about you.

Nobody with a fiancée as lovely and as charming as yours

could possibly have done what | saw you doing.

It’s a perfectly natural mistake, sir.

Come in and sit down, Major Nelson.

| want to hear your ideas on the Lunar Landing Project.

Heh-heh-heh. Don’t worry, sir. She'll forgive you.

[Pal]

Amanda?

Amanda. What have | done?

[Pal]