Original subtitles

Hell, no.

Ahh!

Flip here, the dark prince of pranking,

and I've been summoned here

from your collective nightmares...

To take ordinary people,

people who have it coming to them,

and drop them into frightening scenarios of my own creation.

Class is in session.

Today, we'll learn about the dark sides of language...

It ain't gonna suck my brain out, is it?

Recreation...

And an unholy church.

Praise Jeff.

All right, y'all,

let's do better by being badder.

This is "Scare Tactics."

I love how many golf courses kill it with kitschiness.

Castles, the Statue of Liberty.

Cursed pyramids housing a bloodthirsty mummy?

Just me?

OK.

Megan here is super competitive,

so her boyfriend Josh wanted to get even by

bringing her to a mini golf course.

It's not the toughest course in the world,

but that last hole is a monster.

Right this way.

So this is actually our new Egyptian course,

which is kind of fun themed.

And we've got some items here, actually, on loan

from a local collector,

so please don't touch the artifacts.

Have a seat right here, yeah, and enjoy.

Have a great time. We'll see y'all inside.

- Thanks, buddy. - All right, take care.

So, like, for work, what you do for work?

Like, where do you work?

Oh, no, I don't really work.

So what do you--

what do you mean?

I usually sell, like, Bitcoin.

What is that? I'm sorry.

You wouldn't-- you wouldn't understand.

You wouldn't understand. You won't understand.

Yeah.

Dang, man, I'm ready to putt.

Oh, we up next?

I'm a little drunk right now, so I don't know.

You still got to drop me back off to my car.

I kind of want to play with this.

I don't think you're supposed to touch that.

I think I can play with this.

See, my little putt-putt is so small.

Sir? Sir, sorry.

As I said, yeah, just be respectful.

It's not broke. I ain't breaking shit.

Put it back there.

I was gonna use that as a way to hit the ball.

No, no, it's not a club.

Damn! Why they so stingy?

Well, you can't really touch the stuff.

- Why is he so pissed off? - Because it's rented.

They don't own it. - Bruh, it's not--

it's already scratched up. See?

But why would you scratch it up more?

All right, let me show y'all something.

Christine? - Christin.

- Christine, watch this. - Christin.

- Huh? - Christin.

My fault.

I've told you that at least six times tonight.

We are watching the worst first date

unfold right before our eyes.

Got a little crowd out here.

Y'all can come up now.

That's good. Go ahead.

You go first. - All right.

I gotta make sure I put a score down.

Christine? - Christin.

Christin, how you spell your--

C-H-R-I-S-T-I-N.

- Got it. - All right.

My friend hooked us up because we both like "Harry Potter,"

so I'm like, OK, sure. - Does your friend know him?

Yeah, and I don't know why they thought that

this would be appropriate.

Oh, what's this one?

You got to shoot it in the pyramid.

Go ahead. You go first.

- Ooh. - Oh, look at that.

Got that shit.

It's in there. How the [bleep] I get the ball?

It don't come out on the other side?

We not about to be here all night.

Come on.

What are you doing? - What?

I know you're not putting your hand in there.

Go ahead.

I'm trying to.

Why are you fussing at me right now?

I'm trying to help you.

I'm trying to help myself. Hold on.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

You want me to pull you?

I'm not gonna be much help.

You're freaking me out right now.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ow! - Hold up.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ah, what the [bleep]?

What is this?

Before you go, you're on "Scare Tactics."

No.

I had a mini heart attack.

He's OK. Are you OK?

No!

My heart just leapt out of my chest.

Ah!

And I peed my pants a little.

I'm not a crappy boyfriend. I know how to play golf.

Now I know I'm never gonna be good in a medical emergency.

Do not call me.

Meet Chris.

His girlfriend, Christine, says he has prophetic dreams.

I wanted to see what would happen

if I made those dreams into nightmares.

So I created the Temple of Jeff...

Praise Jeff.

A doomsday cult that has been waiting for their prophet

to arrive, and he just so happens

to look exactly like Chris.

Is this mine or yours?

I think-- I think there's like one of each.

I just remember you were, like, at the airport coming back,

why did I do that to myself?

Excuse me. I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Is your name Jeff, by any chance?

- It's not. - No? Really?

Doesn't he look just like Jeff?

- Spitting image. - Wait.

What did you say your name was?

- Yeah. - Chris.

- Chris? - And what was your name?

- Christine. - Nice to meet you guys.

Oh, Chris and Christine. That has a nice ring to it.

- Yeah. - Do you mind if we join you?

- Yeah, you can sit. - Thanks.

Are you guys married?

We're just boyfriend and girlfriend right now.

- Oh, sweet. - For now.

- For now, she says. - Side eye.

For now.

Yeah, we come here for the tacos,

and we actually go to church nearby.

You guys go to church?

Yeah, we have a prayer group going on.

- Oh, yeah. - Remember?

- Oh, wow, really? - Yeah.

Do you guys have a church that you go to?

- Not yet. - No?

Yeah, actually, we're literally going right now.

- Yeah. - Do you guys want to come?

Uh, what are you-- what are you feeling?

It's, like, pretty short, but--

I don't know. We didn't go on Sunday.

Yeah, it's just, like, a nice group of people.

Yeah, we'd love to have you

if you want to pop in really fast.

- Yeah, that'd be good. - Yeah.

- OK, cool. - Sweet.

- OK. - I'm so glad.

Glad we ran into you guys. - Yeah.

Let's hit it, y'all.

Hi, John.

Do we have extra robes?

Oh, you know what? I think we do.

One second here.

Oh, we gotta wear robes?

Well, it just makes people feel

a little bit more comfortable.

Welcome, everyone.

We have newcomers today.

- Praise Jeff. - Praise Jeff.

Praise Jeff.

Thank you so much for joining us tonight.

- Of course. - So happy to have you here.

It has been an interesting past year,

and truly, I was in a place where

I was really, really lost,

but, honestly, when I found Jeff,

that void is...

No longer there.

- Praise Jeff. - Praise Jeff.

- Praise Jeff. - And I'm so happy.

Amen. - Praise Jeff.

- Yes. - Praise Jeff.

We always end a prayer group with newcomers

sharing their story.

Jeff, care to join?

You want to share your story?

- I guess it's my turn. - Yeah.

- Praise Jeff. - Praise Jeff.

Praise Jeff.

I'm Chris, and--

and yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And I've been in Georgia nine years now.

- Amen. - And, you know...

So I've--you know... - Praise to Jeff.

It's nice to meet a community of people

that are just on this path.

- So beautiful. - Amen.

So I think I'll--

I think I'll end it there.

- Amen. - Amen.

- Thanks, Jeff. - Praise Jeff.

- Praise Jeff. - Praise Jeff.

All right, now we get together and take communion.

So I'll grab some for us.

There you go.

Just hang on to it for a second.

Oh, it smells good.

Everybody have theirs?

All right, together, we take the sacrament of communion.

- Praise Jeff. - Praise Jeff.

- Praise Jeff. - Praise Jeff.

Now together, prepare for the final ascension, everyone.

This is just part of the final ascension.

Is everyone falling asleep or--

I'm so happy I get to be here and die with you today.

- Praise Jeff. - Praise Jeff.

Praise Jeff.

Thank you, Jeff, so much for being here today.

You have no idea.

To be able to die here together--

To die?

We've been waiting for you guys.

Is this a [bleep] cult or something?

- A cult? - What are you talking about?

We all just drank together.

OK, you guys are crazy.

Who is Jeff?

There he is, right there.

It's all coming true.

And here you are.

- Praise Jeff! - Praise Jeff!

Yeah, this is getting crazy.

I think we should probably to go.

Praise Jeff! Praise Jeff!

- Let's go. - Praise Jeff.

- Praise Jeff. - Wait, you can't leave.

Praise Jeff.

Who's gonna lead us if you take off?

I mean, this can't be for nothing.

That's insane.

We just let all these people drink,

and now you're gonna leave? I don't understand.

You said that when he was here--

John, this is Jeff.

- What the hell is this? - Jeff!

Jeff, look at me. Jeff!

Jeff, look at me. - Can we go, please?

I have to tell you one more thing.

Sure.

You're on "Scare Tactics."

Yay!

- You set me up? - I did.

I wanted to prank him because he'd be

the easiest person to prank,

so I knew that if something bizarre was going on

and I just went with it, he would go with it too.

Praise Jeff. Praise Jeff.

Praise Jeff.

Well, babe, you got me.

You better watch your back. - OK.

I know you humans are all about watching what you say,

but let's face it, language is just a bunch of weird noises.

Just ask Willie here.

His cousin, Linda, says he's pranked her for decades.

So to settle the score, we're sending him

to try out a new language learning software

that may just leave him--

At a loss for words.

For the past two decades,

our leading scientists have been focused

on renewable energy,

but there is a resource that is not renewable,

and that is time.

Once it's gone, you can't get it back.

It might take decades to approach fluency

in another language, but with Speechleeper,

you can learn a new language in a matter of seconds.

We're only a few tweaks from perfection.

Speechleeper. Take the leap.

Hi, guys.

Welcome to Speechleeper.

You're here for the 3:00 p.m.? - Mm-hmm.

OK.

It's a little past the time, but that's OK.

They're already waiting on y'all.

It ain't exactly easy to find.

Thank God for GPS. - I know.

Just follow me. All right.

Hey, Dr. Enzo, these are the last two.

Hello.

Please have a seat. - Come on in.

Hi. How you doing?

Hi. Good afternoon.

Hi. Thanks for coming out.

I'm Dr. Enzo Von Nero.

I'm the creator, developer, CEO of Speechleeper.

It's incredibly exciting.

With Speechleeper, you can learn

a language in mere seconds. - My God.

It's going to take the world by storm.

I'm a polyglot, which means I speak multiple languages.

I'd like to start with just two of us at a time.

I think, Sarah and Willie, if you guys could stay.

All right, now. I got Willie.

- We'll see y'all soon. - OK.

Nice to meet you guys.

- Let me get you to go first. - Oh, snap.

Ooh, hot seat is right.

And tell me, what language do you think

you might like to learn?

My fantasy would be to learn German.

I mean, German is, like, crazy.

OK, you're gonna put on this sensory deprivation visor.

Oh. Ooh, Lord.

It's sort of a hypnosis.

OK.

- OK, Jeff, are we calibrated? - Yep.

Initiating.

Oh, good Lord.

I feel a little sleepy, actually.

Truly nothing to worry about.

My head is, like, all warm and fuzzy inside.

You can see the helixes heliating.

Take the nodes off first.

It's gonna be a little bit bright.

Heads up.

Sarah, how are we feeling?

What's that?

Ja.

That's Deutsch.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Did you ever speak German before?

- No! - Wow.

Sarah, if you'd like to come with us.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Auf Wiedersehen. - Auf Wiedersehen.

Oh, thank you. - Wow, that was--

Let's grab--

Tess, would you grab Michael for us?

Michael can observe.

You can sit down and make yourself comfortable.

We're just--we're just recalibrating the transceiver.

Oh, man. That was pretty interesting.

- Pretty interesting, right? - My God, that was something.

- What's going on? - You can take a seat.

What's going on over there?

She hopped down this chair, started speaking German

like she was straight from Berlin.

Oh, man.

- Technology, boss. - That's crazy.

Did you--what language are you doing?

I'd like to get my Spanish back up.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Like anything else,

if you don't use it, you lose it.

Ready to go. Ready to go, sir.

Yeah, all right.

It'll be a little dark for a little bit.

Nothing to worry about.

I'm scared of the dark.

Aren't we all?

That's Spanish, Señor Willie, no?

- Sí, señor. - OK.

The node is coming on top.

Like a spacesuit or something for your face.

It ain't gonna suck my brain out, is it?

- Not today. - OK.

Initialize.

It's just a little bit of code that I think should be--

just make the process a little bit faster.

- Whoa. - Wait a minute.

Warning, warning, warning.

It's just a little bit of code that I think should be--

just make the process a little bit faster.

- Whoa. - Wait a minute.

Warning, warning, warning.

Hey.

Warning, warning, warning, warning.

Sh--

OK.

Hmm?

Hmm.

What?

What happened?

What is that?

Huh?

- Señor Willie. - Huh?

You're on "Scare Tactics."

Sorry.

Whoo!

I love you, cuz. - Yeah, baby, I love you too.

But, damn, don't do that to me no more.

Oh, God.

I just got one question. - Oh, no.

Where do you keep the toilet paper?

Y'all almost had a mess to clean up in here.

I ain't kidding you.

We've had incredible progress over the past few months.

And what do you say to all the detractors

who've reported unsubstantiated rumors about headset testing?

Well, we know that critics are those who cannot do.

Those who cannot do... critic.

But what we have done is we've abandoned the headset,

and we're now going with a pure light wave treatment.

For all of you watching at home...