Original subtitles

Hell, no.

Hello, there, audience. I'm Flip,

The Dark Prince of Pranking.

- They got me!

And I've been summoned here from your collective nightmares

to cut through the static.

Why is TV so lame?

Vapid dating shows, sexy people solving murders,

and ads pushing creams for aches you didn't know you had.

Boring.

You know what I like?

Scary movies.

Can't get enough.

So I was thinking,

what if I use my unlimited, borderline-godlike powers

to make a few horror movies?

I'd take ordinary people,

people who have it coming to them...

This asshole.

And drop them right into some terrifying scenarios

of my own creation.

Game on, television.

Let's do better by being badder.

Oh, shit!

This is "Scare Tactics."

Thank you for sticking with me through all this.

Um, how could I not?

When your fiancée is miraculously pregnant.

Um...

You know?

Ah, weddings.

Weddings are supposed to be perfect.

But tell that to the couple

when it rains on their wedding day

or when someone gets cold feet...

or when the bride gets immaculate "conceptioned"

by the devil and needs to be married

before she accidentally gives birth to an Antichrist.

Normal wedding stuff.

But you can't have a wedding without witnesses.

So today Tar is bringing Chad,

his supposed daredevil best friend, out for a hike.

And they're about to run into a wedding

that neither of them will ever forget.

♪ He is my friend

No one showed up, and she's about to burst.

♪ Oh, He died for you and me ♪

Okay.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Hi.

Hey, how you doing?

How you guys doing today?

Feeling good.

Okay, um...

If you wouldn't mind actually doing me a small favor?

- What favor? - Um...

this couple, I'm supposed to marry them,

and our witnesses have not shown up.

The bride-to-be is nine months pregnant,

and she's got to be married before she gives birth.

If they're not married before this baby is born,

the consequences could be...

catastrophic.

If you guys could maybe be our witnesses?

Yeah, we just have a couple of seats for you to sit in

and just basically witness the wedding.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. Great. Just come on in.

We found someone. - Hi.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Hi. - Oh, really?

I'm Cliff. This is Rosie.

- Oh, my God. - Thank you, thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Nice to meet you.

- This is seriously just--Oh. - Yeah?

You know what? Let's get this going.

Let's get this wedding started before she goes into labor,

because we need to do that.

If you guys could do me a favor

and have a seat in these chairs,

put these jackets on, we'll get started.

Thank you again. Seriously, thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Yeah.

Thanks, man.

Brothers and sisters...

or just brothers, I guess...

We are gathered here today

to join Rosamund Penelope Iblis

and Clifford Eugene Azazel

in holy matrimony.

We wish and hope that your parents were here today,

but we have two sincere men, don't we?

Men of God who've joined us.

Oh, dear Lord, please bless Chad and--

- Tar. - Tar.

Tar, and guide their hands.

May their presence here stave off the demons

from Rosie's dear child.

Look at them.

Thank them with your eyes, your hearts,

your soul, and your spirit.

Yeah, okay.

My spirits, my spirits, my spirits.

Her spirit's a little excited.

- Ooh. - Sorry.

Thank you, thank you. - Oof.

Are you okay? Do you need anything?

- I got it. No, I got it. - Be strong, be strong.

- It's fine, it's fine. - Okay, sorry.

We were born from original sin.

And that sin propagates inside all of us

and feeds the demon inside all of us.

Like the one inside our blessed Rosie.

Together, though, we set this union

to beat back these demons, to send demons to hell.

May the ritual begin.

Please passionately recite after me.

Hold on. Hold on.

Don't--don't you--

- Sordis. - Sordis.

- Sordis. - Sordis.

Passionately recite after me.

Don't--don't you--

- Sordis. - Sordis.

It's merely Latin to bless the child.

- Yeah. - We're Episcopalian.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh. Oh, okay.

Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, you're good, you're good, you're good.

Most of our services are in Latin anyway, so...

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

both: Mallam.

Mous.

Insisdei.

- Involo. - Involo.

both: Sanguine.

We must now perform our readings.

Gentlemen, if you could join us up here.

We ain't--

- Thank you. Yeah. - Just read it out loud?

"Love is patient. Love is kind."

If you could please read yours.

I don't--I don't-- I don't know what I'm saying.

Oh, do your best.

The translation, it works.

May God be with you.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Please go ahead and have a seat.

Sorry.

All right. And now it's time for the vows.

Rosie, we've loved each other long before I even discovered

what love was...

what sexuality was.

I am truly blessed to call you the one

and know that our match is blessed by the spirits,

as your immaculate conception is something we'll talk about

for generations.

Today is a miracle.

Our baby is a miracle.

Be strong. Say your vows, say your vows.

We just have to finish the ceremony.

Cliff...

thank you for being with me through all of this.

Ah, ah! - Okay, okay.

- Oh, sh-- - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay. - Okay, okay, okay.

Let's go, uh, find a chair. Let's find a chair.

- I'm okay, I'm okay! - You're okay? Do you promise?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

We're gonna go over here. - Yeah.

Gentlemen, please pray for us for just one moment.

Just stay there and pray. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Okay. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's coming. Push. - No, no, don't push!

- Suck in, suck in! - Push, push!

- Do not let him out! - Stop! Push!

Do not let him out! Do not let him out!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- No, no!

Wait up, wait up!

You're on "Scare Tactics"!

Oh, hell, no.

You okay?

- Oh, boy.

He was under there the whole time?

- Yeah. - Man, this is some bullshit.

I ain't know it was going to be like that.

I haven't ran that fast in about over two years.

- Oh, my God! !

I always knew Chad was fast.

I always knew he was a track star.

But I think this goes down in history

as the fastest I've ever seen him run.

Oh, my God!

Vroom.

It really was the most magical day...

Mm.

Even if it wasn't what we were expecting.

We're so lucky to have little Damien.

Oh, my goodness. - Oh, look at that smile.

Who's going to take over the world? Is it you?

Who's gonna take over the world? I think it's you.

- Is it you? - I think it's you!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, another smile!

Your daddy's such a dork.

That's because he's not your real daddy.

Meet Ariel.

He and his friend Erving are always finding

messed-up ways to prank each other.

So Ariel and I conjured up a wicked,

world-renowned chef

to settle the prank war once and for all.

They say you are what you eat.

Erving is definitely a human.

Just saying.

Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

- How are you doing? - Very well, thank you.

Welcome to Rodille.

Can I get your names, please?

- Ariel. - Ariel.

And this is Erving.

Okay. We do have you in.

Gentlemen, we're about to get started.

We just need you to turn in your phones really quick,

so we don't document the experiences here.

With that, let's take you over.

All right. Now we can get started.

Okay. How about for you, sir, here?

- Yes, sir. - Hello.

Hey. - Hi. How are you?

Hi, hi.

- Nice to meet you. Hello. - Hello.

Ariel. Oh, can we cheers?

Yeah, cheers to a good dinner.

Yeah, to a good dinner.

- Ariel. - Hi. Welcome.

I'm probably not going to remember all your names.

I'm just going to go ahead and say that right up front.

We're really underdressed. I didn't know--I had no idea.

He called me and said we're going somewhere.

You got to meet me. - You're fine.

You're fine. - Anything goes with us.

So welcome to Rodille.

It's a unique culinary experience

by Chef Vladimir Crispus.

We're going to try a lot of interesting things today.

Mm-hmm.

We'll be back with the first course in just a minute.

- Thank you. - Certainly.

Okay. So what's, like, a favorite meal?

Mm.

I think there's so much I haven't experienced yet.

Like, I haven't really had alligator.

I haven't had, like... - No.

Snake or--

- Oh, nice, wow. - Wow.

So this is puffin.

It is a flightless bird.

We serve it with a little bit of Arctic wild seagrass

and some daikon.

Is this farm--

Everything we have here is wild-foraged.

Oh, wild. Okay.

And it's from the same environment

as the puffin comes from.

We hope you enjoy. - Mm.

Hmm.

- Bon appétit. - Thank you.

To flightless birds.

How's it tasting so far?

I like the soft inside with the crispy outside.

It's just the perfect amount. - Mmm.

Well, you know, it might be where they--

the environment where they live.

Don't tell on me. Don't tell on me.

I mean, look, if I can get some of these photos

on my, like, food blog, it's just gonna help me stand out.

I just don't want it to get him in trouble.

Some of this food is a bit...

endangered.

Can I talk to you for just a minute?

Uh, yeah.

You know that. - Yeah, you took our phones.

We've seen you taking a picture with your phone.

- That's just not possible. - Can you wait right here?

Just wait right here. - Hey, no, I--

I appreciate everybody else following the rules.

Sorry, dinner is going to be over for you.

I didn't--Hey!

Can you just step with me and not make a scene?

Hey, you can't take me-- Hey, come on, man!

They took her out, man.

She knew the rules.

So what's your biggest step outside of your comfort zone,

like, food-wise?

I couldn't eat applesauce when I was a kid.

- That's the texture. - I couldn't eat applesauce.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's weird, right?

Is it weird? - I wouldn't be surprised.

- Wow. - Mmm.

What we have here is Chef Crispus' interpretation

of surf and turf--

the most delicate of the red meats, horse,

and then a natural combination with that is dolphin,

commonly referred to as the horse of the sea.

Something that people don't often know about dolphins

is that they're one of the few mammals

that has sex for pleasure, not just for procreation.

Ah.

So it's like a sexual experience in your mouth.

Enjoy.

Such a fun pairing. He's so imaginative.

Your fingers are struggling, bro.

Oh, my God. Wow.

But together, never had this together.

This is brilliant. This is brilliant.

Is it, like, the smarter the animal, the tastier?

Does anybody feel like it's an overrated meat--dolphin?

I feel like the dolphin was flavorful.

Am I the only one that felt like it tasted sexy?

I don't know.

Do we know what part of the dolphin this is?

- This is near the genitalia. - Mm.

Dolphin.

Many people find it to be an aphrodisiac.

All right, we'll be back out in just a moment.

It feels real sexy to me.

I can't get that out of my head, but I just can't--

What's next, you know?

- Oh, look. - Oh, wow.

- Oh. - Oh, that was fast.

This looks so beautiful.

- Nice. - Look at the presentation.

Yes.

We're going to have a very special treat for you,

a little visit from Chef Crispus

to talk about this next dish.

Chef Vladimir Crispus.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's about you as you embark on a culinary experience.

So, that in mind, we're going to move on to this next,

possibly our rarest dish...

locally sourced long pig.

Oh. - No way.

I was hoping to try that.

Just kissed by binchotan

and then gently steamed

over a supreme broth of swallow's nest.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

I've never had long pig. I always wanted to try it.

I know. Me too.

Have you ever had human before?

This is my first human, and I am so excited.

It's a very rare meat,

but, you know, like orca, like foie gras--

there's a hunger inside all of us.

And long pig speaks to that.

- Thank you. - Mm.

Thank you for such an exciting experience.

Sure.

Wow. I have to savor this.

Could you tell us about this human?

Oh, yes. This is ethically sourced.

Believe their name was Russell.

Died 12 days ago.

And then we harvested the meat,

brined it for two days,

aged it for nine,

served at peak flavor.

So, yes, please enjoy.

This is a human. So, yes, please enjoy.

- Thank you, Chef. - Mmm.

It's actually much easier to eat than the horse.

- I agree with you. - Mm-hmm.

You know, it's much more tender.

I think it was the 12 days and the brining.

I think for me, it's a reminder

that we are meant to eat long pig.

Mmm, tender.

So he's probably pretty old. Could have been a heart attack.

- A car wreck, maybe. - Yeah--oh.

Maybe Russell was a terrible driver.

Are we really trying to guess on how this guy checked out?

Yeah.

So would it taste better if he jumped off a cliff?

- Probably.

I mean, it's better if they don't know that death is coming

because then you don't get the shock of adrenaline.

And that does make things-- - Releases cortisol.

Exactly, it's better if they're stunned and then--

So maybe a heart attack or car accident

will create that kind of flavor.

I feel it's a tribute to him.

We're getting to push the boundaries.

I mean, you come into it, but--

Culinary experiences right now are so exciting.

You don't want to offend him. I'd say just down the hatch.

Yeah, come on.

But, also, waste not, want not. - Exactly.

I mean, there's overpopulation...

food scarcity and all that kind of stuff.

Now, what do you think of the long pig?

I can't quite put my finger on it.

Think of the stories you can tell.

I don't know if I want to tell this one.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Could we have a moment of silence for Russell?

- That's a great idea. - It feels right to me.

It's respectful.

To Russell.

To Russell.

- Yeah, to Russell. - Mmm

all: To Russell.

Bro, Russell, you taste very good.

Yes, he does.

Hey, it's everyone's first long pig.

Hello, again. I'm very sorry, everybody.

I need you just to stop right now.

Sir, did you eat all your long pig?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm - You did?

Okay, because I'm sorry. I have to tell you something.

- Oh, God. - What?

That you're on "Scare Tactics."

Oh, Lordy.

Hey, cheers to Russell. Cheers to Russell.

- To Russell. - I got you!

- All of you? - Yeah, yeah, everybody.

Yeah.

- Even her? - Yeah, even her.

- You did it!

I just want to say, what a good sport.

- It was genuinely--

I don't like none of you.

I'm still not sure what I ate.

You haven't told me what I've eaten.

After this day forward,

I'm only eating fruits and berries.

That's it.

I thought about running and jumping over there.

Did you doubt for any second that that was--

Hold up. I'm not the type

to just follow people just to follow people.

How did this happen to me?

How did this happen to me?

Oh, my God.

You made it seem so natural.

You know, we have a little extra from today.

- Hmm? - How about a staff meal?

- I'm down. - I'm down.

Great.