Original subtitles

They say an army marches on its stomach,

and with the whole Moone and Dolan clan back under one roof,

it was left to Liam and Debra to fill

the bellies of their brimming battalion

like a jolly big bursting colostomy bag.

This breakfast is in real danger of turning into a brunch, Dad.

You'd think we had no better options.

We should just invest in a trough and be done with it.

Or build a stable in the garden

and take turns throwing them pigs' guts.

C'mon folks, less banter, more bacon.

Maybe we should put on our dinner jackets.

Ha.

There's my no tip.

Martin had the joy of rooming with both Sinead and Trisha

since the Dolans returned.

Although the sisterly space became a little tense

when their special lady seasons synced.

What are you looking at?

Nothing. You look normal.

You're putting too much on.

You look like a spotty ghost.

How else am I supposed to cover them up?

Big paper bag over your head?

Do you want to die, boy?

Well, get out then.

Aw, balls, fourth in the queue.

Lucky I just peed a bit in terror.

I think queueing for the toilet makes

the house feel like a rock concert.

Like were at Glaston-Boyle!

This is ridiculous, we were supposed to be out of here months ago.

I don't want to live in a house where

you need a wristband to use the toilet.

I know. I just need my one "million dollar idea" to take off.

But while we're waiting for Potato Patch Dolls to catch on...

- Any minute. - ...can't you just get some more shifts

playing music at the hospital?

I've asked, Delma, I have,

but of course everyone started pointing fingers at muggins here

when the patient suicide rate went up.

Look, don't worry, pet, I'll think of something. I promise.

Right after I have a nice quick bath.

Oh, for...

Lads, I'd leave it. Couple of weeks at least.

See how things look in the new year.

Oh!

That is classic Moonestock, baby!

Oh.

# Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

# Wait a minute, where's me jumper?

# Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?

# Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no #

So, Miney and Biddy had a big fight, but they made up in the end.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Dessie, did ya have two baths again?

Restrain your bowels, my love, I've got huge news!

When I was in the tub there, waiting for my second bath to fill,

a vision came to me.

And it's a vision that's gonna make us rich!

I'm listenin'.

Everyone these days is talking

computers computers computers.

It's all I hear.

I read an article in the Sacred Heart

about them putting the Bible on a computer

and people reading it wherever they were

in the world.

And it got me to thinking,

this little planet of ours is becoming social

and I wanna get in there before the bubble bursts.

I want to be part of a network

that weaves together great ideas into a kind of

Boyle Wide Web!

What are ya talkin' about, Dessie?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm going to open a Catholic bookshop!

Oh, balls.

That's even better than what I was thinking.

They're never going to move out.

How quick do you think we could

build that stable in the garden?

He's like J.R.Ewing this fella.

Why are you even here?

Oh, Liam makes a mighty brunch.

By the way, I'm lovin' the sexy ghost look.

Ow!

I think I'll go eat in the hall.

- Hello, is that the bank? -Might be.

Do you have such a thing as a manager?

Might do.

This gig is getting all a bit moshpity for my liking buddy.

We need to get our own space.

Away from those menstruating maniacs.

I'd love to, Sean, but relocating is really stressful.

Mmm.

Me legs!

Oh! Me head!

Me eyes!

Hey! What about up there?

That's a nice, comfy-looking ceiling, all right.

If only we could defeat our old nemesis, gravity.

No, no, I meant the attic, Martin.

Oh, right.

On a mission for planning permission,

Liam went to do battle with Boyle's

most stringent building supervisor.

Ah, it's yourself, Liam.

Well, now, you look far too stressed for one so handsome.

- How are you, Gerry? - I'm great...

Actually, I'm here on a bit of a business matter.

Oh, right, well, let me retrieve

that embrace that I forced upon you.

All right. Here we are. It's gone.

I was looking for some advice on planning permission, Ger.

Ask away.

We're looking to build an outhouse for some errant offspring.

Kind of a "get out of our house" house.

Well, what I wouldn't give for an overloaded dwelling, Liam.

It's an empty old home with the wife away, you know?

Geraldine gone again, Ger?

Another business trip with her boss.

That's nice, where to this time?

Paris, I think she said.

Paris?

- What does she do again? - She's the secretary down at the dump.

Right.

- Just her and her boss, is it? - That's right.

That's right, but it's hard, Liam. Oh, it's hard.

Sure, they only got back from the Alps last Tuesday

and they're off to the Caribbean for Christmas.

Work is work,

but it puts a strain on things.

You know, all the travel affects the ol' intimacy.

- Sex - Yeah, I got that, Ger.

She can barely look at me when she gets home, Liam.

The work has her so...

Shagged out, probably.

Nail on the head.

Ya know, it might be worth talkin' to someone about that, Ger.

And with Debra doing the counselling thing...

That's right. I thought I saw one of her fliers in a phone box, yeah.

Maybe you could talk to her?

Well, hold on a second there now, Liam.

Hold on a second there, now, Liam.

Are you trying to bribe me for planning with your wife's services?

That seems fair actually.

- Cup of tea and a bun? - Yeah.

Did I say a bun? I meant peach schnapps.

Hey, Sean, are you sure no non-living lodgers live up here?

What, in the haunted attic? Surely not.

It's me! You're the one imagining me, ya big eejit!

Hey, beard face.

Ha-ha!

Ya scared the logic right outta me!

Hey, not too shabby.

I think we found our new home, Sean Murphy.

Yeah.

Oh. And your old bedwetting sheet.

Pretty gross.

Well,

I think it's a brilliant idea. Books are all the rage.

It would actually be criminal of me not to give you a loan.

Well, that is music to my musical ears.

You'll be the first man to get a special deal on a new Bible

when we're up and running.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sure, I'm Jewish.

Oh.

Ah, well, Jesus was Jewish.

We all make mistakes.

You got that right.

Now, loan wise, what we're talkin' here?

Well, I've done some homework, and taking rent,

inventory and outventory into account.

Er, don't drown me with detail.

I thought this figure would see us

through the first three months.

Ooh.

Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye...

This figure seems more realistic.

That's twice the number I was asking for.

It's the '90s, Des,

there's plenty more where that came from.

It just... I don't know how I'd pay that amount back, Mr Leech.

# Double and deal It's a steal

# Double and deal Keepin' it real

# The interest rate is pretty high

# Double and deal Double and deal

# I'm worried 'bout my coffers dry

# But my empty palms Just make me cry

# Double and deal Double and deal

# You have yourself a deal, Mr Leech

# This shit's just not real #

And that's how Ireland did banking in the '90s.

Howya, lads?

We're looking for something nice and spacious,

but we don't want to take up too much of the garden.

Yeah, yeah, and we'd like it to flow. Ya know?

A kind of modern flow.

A flow, right. Gotcha.

OK, here's what I'm thinking.

Right, it's a south facing aspect.

Uh-huh.

And then just... Just finish it off.

Ah, right, that's good.

Erm, is that it?

That's the overhead view.

Ah, OK.

So, what's the side view like?

Side view, side view.

Side.

I just think the whole flow...

This is the real one.

Just wondering.

Ah, I see where you're going. Ah.

Erm, is there not going to be a window?

Oh.

Do ye want a window?

Ooh la la.

You do know we're not building a prison cell here, lads, right?

Ah, yeah, yeah. Sure if it was a cell,

there'd be a little toilet here.

Actually that's good. Maybe we should have a toilet there.

Poo la la.

This is amazing, buddy. An actual place of our own.

It's even got that new room smell.

Oh, God!

Yeah, I'm hoping that'll go away.

Its a shame we couldn't get the old bed up here,

but this asbestos stuff is working nicely.

Oh, yeah, asbestos is the bestos.

Ah, I feel cosy all the way into my little lungs.

Oh, balls.

Morning, downstairs people. How's life in the servants' quarters?

This is still a bungalow, Martin,

even if you've moved into the roof.

I believe everyone's calling it Martin's Penthouse.

Trisha, this says that your mock Leaving

Cert exams start in three weeks.

Are you all set for them?

Eh, yeah, all set.

I mean, it's all about timing.

At this stage, I don't want to be over-prepared, ya know.

Well, it been a hectic year with the bloody baby and everything.

Worse case scenario, I suppose you could always just repeat your exams,

and go to college the following year.

So, she won't be moving out?

Does it happen to say on there what my subjects are?

Well, I'm going to head back to Martin's Penthouse.

I'm gonna try and spruce the place up a bit.

Gonna incorporate the ensuite a little better.

What do you mean "ensuite"?

Well, the water tank.

Does this tea taste a little wee-ey to you?

No. But it smells like sh...

So this is our site?

That's right, my love.

This is where we're finally gonna put Catholicism on the map.

Wonder what went wrong for the last guys.

Ah, who knows? A Valentine's Day theme shop.

Wish I'd thought of that.

Dessie?

Ah, here's our new landlords, now.

Folks, this is my wife, Fidelma.

Namaste. I'm Chandrashekhar.

Oh. That's a lovely name.

Does it mean something?

It means, "He, who like Lord Shiva, holds the moon in his hair."

Everyone just calls him Shandy.

Ah.

We're all partial to a few of those.

Actually, we've been meaning to talk

to you about the nature of the shop.

Would it be possible to display

a few Hindu statues on the premises?

It would bring good luck to the building.

Oh. Er...

The previous tenants were happy to do it.

Right. Didn't seem to bring them much luck though.

Well, it your choice.

We can always discuss it again in two months when the lease is up.

No, no. That sounds like a brilliant idea!

We could do with all the luck we can get. Right, Dessie?

Sure, why not?

Done. Buddha bing, Buddha boom, as you would say.

If you were Buddhist.

And Italian.

Now, I'm no expert, lads,

but it seems fairly shallow for a foundation, is all.

Surely, it's just four wee walls, Liam.

I mean, there's very little weight to support.

Yeah, I suppose. And the roof, of course.

So, er, you want a roof, do ya?

Ooh la la.

Yeah, let's throw a roof on her for the craic.

Thanks, lads.

What is the point of drawing up detailed plans

if we don't stick to them?

It's turning in to Buckingham Fecking Palace.

I'm sure she would have come, Debra,

but she has an aul business lunch, you know,

she's probably halfway through a magnum of champagne by now.

Yeah. So, you brought your boys instead?

I did, yeah. Yeah. For moral support.

They're my rocks. Aren't ye, lads?

OK, well,

I've never really done a single spouse session before.

You know, this is usually the bit where I ask the wife

what she thinks is wrong.

Right. Well, I can probably answer that one for ya, Deb.

Erm, she's just not attracted to me any more.

Physically, you know. Probably because I'm going bald.

But you're not going bald, Gerry.

Oh, indeed, I am, Debra.

I am. Sure, look at me, I'm practically a feckin' cue ball.

I really don't think you are.

He's a big fat baldy baby.

That Geraldine's pet name for me.

Can I ask you, Gerry,

have you ever thought of leading your marriage

in another direction?

Oh. I have, Debra, yes, I have, but being a Catholic now,

sure, I can't go near the ol' D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

They're 13, Gerry. I'm sure they can spell that word.

No. No.

I think they use their stupidity as a coping mechanism.

Well, they're not alone there.

They're not even switched on.

Meanwhile, Martin was immersing himself

in the world of home improvement,

learning from the very best in the Wild West.

Where'd ya get the sand, Frank?

For the first time ever, even

Dessie was getting his hands dirty.

Hey, Dessie.

And fearing another year at home, Trisha was hard at work too,

but was finding living on a building

site to be a little distracting.

I have a book at home.

Ooh la la.

It's Trisha.

Your granddaughter.

Who's he?

Uptown, Dessie got acquainted

with the new owner of Boyle Bank.

Peace be upon you, Des. A pleasure to meet a local entrepreneur.

Oh. Go raibh maith agat, Gundeep.

I must say, I'm so excited by your new shop.

Finally there'll be some decent Sikh literature

available in the west of Ireland.

Yeah.

What?

Have you thought about opening a clothes section?

I'm so sick of buying my turbans in Dunnes Stores.

One, two, three...

Oh.

And so like Archimedes,

Dessie Dolan had his eureka moment

in the bath.

Except his vision wasn't something useless about sums. Oh, no.

He saw a bold, dynamic new enterprise,

Boyle's first religious bookshop!

And so, it gives me great joy to now joyfully open

Joys R Us.

Good man, Dessie!

Wow. It's a lot less Catholic than I thought it would be.

It less Catholic than Trisha's room.

Did ye see Ouija boards anywhere? Mine's broken.

Which was nice. But then the Jews

had to flee from there as well.

God, you've an awful lot of get-up-and-go, haven't ye?

Fair play to ye.

Tell me this much, where do the Jews

stand on the whole D-I-V-O-R-C-E?

Well, for a start, I think most of us would say it as a single word.

Oh, right. Right. That puts ye one step ahead of Catholicism anyway.

Keep talkin' there.

Ah, there you are, Father.

So, what do you think of the place?

It's, er, lovely, Dessie. Yes.

Although, I... I suppose I was expecting something a bit more,

ah, Catholic.

Don't worry, Father. Follow me.

Wow, spaceships, lizards...

This is nearly as mad as Catholicism.

Yeah, nearly.

I keep the good stuff in here.

I call it the papal pantry.

Who knew there were so many mad religions in Boyle?

Certainly not me.

But in the words of big J, Forbid him not for he that is

"not against us is for us."

By which I think he meant, there's loads of religions,

but Catholicism is number one.

So your shop is going to remain multi-faith?

A cacophony of catechisms, Father.

So there'll also be materials available for, erm... For Protestants?

Oh God, no!

Well, of course not.

Oh, thank the Lord. Good man, Dessie.

Well, Dessie, fair play to you. You pulled it off.

Who'd have thought my space would connect with so many people!

I'm so proud of my hot male.

Ooh, Yahoo!

Oh, looks like there's another ribbon to cut outside.

Unless that's some sort of support structure.

Erm, well, let's try not to

judge it till we've done the full tour.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Good idea.

Ooh, what have we here?

It's not as bad as it looks.

All it really needs is a lick of paint.

There's no toilet! There's no toilet. In the toilet!

They told me they'd put in a toilet. We definitely had a toilet!

For feck's sake!

Martin!

Well, the ventilation's good.

Look at this place!

Oh, my God!

Parisenne.

It's amazing!

Now, this has a lovely flow.

Look at this place!

Oh. Hi, folks. Welcome to the penthouse.

Would ye mind taking off your shoes?

Oh, I just presumed.

It's a little bit cramped, but it's...

It's perfect.

Wait, what's happening?

Welcome to Microloft.

Really stretching the metaphor there, lads.

Never even finished the mezzanine.

Cheer up, buddy. We may have lost a bachelor pad,

but at least we gained a donkey den!

Lookin' good, Gerry, that new religion's taken years off ya!

Thanks, Breda, mind yerself now

or I'll be taking years off you!

What the feck does that mean?

Just general flirting, Breda.

You're not looking too shabby yourself there, Tony!

No more flaking scalp for me, Gerry!

- Oops, sorry. - Oh, sorry.

Sinead?

Allahu Akbar.