All language subtitles for Moone.Boy.S03E05.Bells.N.Smells.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

They say an army marches on its stomach,

and with
the whole Moone and Dolan clan back under one roof,

it was left to
Liam and Debra to fill

the bellies of
their brimming battalion

like a jolly big
bursting colostomy bag.

This breakfast
is in real danger of turning into a brunch, Dad.

You'd think we had
no better options.

We should just
invest in a trough and be done with it.

Or build
a stable in the garden

and take turns
throwing them pigs' guts.

C'mon folks,
less banter, more bacon.

Maybe we should put on
our dinner jackets.

Ha.

There's my no tip.

Martin had the joy of rooming
with both Sinead and Trisha

since the Dolans returned.

Although the sisterly space
became a little tense

when their special
lady seasons synced.

What are you looking at?

Nothing. You look normal.

You're putting too much on.

You look like a spotty ghost.

How else am I
supposed to cover them up?

Big paper bag over your head?

Do you want to die, boy?

Well, get out then.

Aw,
balls, fourth in the queue.

Lucky I just peed
a bit in terror.

I think queueing
for the toilet makes

the house feel
like a rock concert.

Like were at Glaston-Boyle!

This is ridiculous,
we were supposed to be out of here months ago.

I don't want to
live in a house where

you need
a wristband to use the toilet.

I know. I just need my one
"million dollar idea" to take off.

But while we're waiting for
Potato Patch Dolls to catch on...

- Any minute.
- ...can't you just get some more shifts

playing music at the hospital?

I've asked, Delma, I have,

but of course everyone started
pointing fingers at muggins here

when the patient
suicide rate went up.

Look, don't worry, pet,
I'll think of something. I promise.

Right after I have
a nice quick bath.

Oh, for...

Lads, I'd leave it.
Couple of weeks at least.

See how things
look in the new year.

Oh!

That is classic Moonestock,
baby!

Oh.

# Dancing at the disco,
bumper to bumper

# Wait a minute,
where's me jumper?

# Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper?

# Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper? Oh, no #

So, Miney and
Biddy had a big fight, but they made up in the end.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Dessie,
did ya have two baths again?

Restrain your bowels, my love,
I've got huge news!

When I was in the tub there,
waiting for my second bath to fill,

a vision came to me.

And it's a vision
that's gonna make us rich!

I'm listenin'.

Everyone these days is talking

computers computers computers.

It's all I hear.

I read an article
in the Sacred Heart

about them putting the Bible
on a computer

and people reading
it wherever they were

in the world.

And it got me to thinking,

this little planet of ours
is becoming social

and I wanna get in there
before the bubble bursts.

I want to be part of a network

that weaves
together great ideas into a kind of

Boyle Wide Web!

What are ya
talkin' about, Dessie?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm going to open
a Catholic bookshop!

Oh, balls.

That's even better than
what I was thinking.

They're never
going to move out.

How quick do
you think we could

build that
stable in the garden?

He's like
J.R.Ewing this fella.

Why are you even here?

Oh,
Liam makes a mighty brunch.

By the way,
I'm lovin' the sexy ghost look.

Ow!

I think I'll go
eat in the hall.

- Hello, is that the bank?
-Might be.

Do you have such
a thing as a manager?

Might do.

This gig is getting
all a bit moshpity for my liking buddy.

We need to get our own space.

Away from those
menstruating maniacs.

I'd love to,
Sean, but relocating is really stressful.

Mmm.

Me legs!

Oh! Me head!

Me eyes!

Hey! What about up there?

That's a nice, comfy-looking
ceiling, all right.

If only we could defeat
our old nemesis, gravity.

No, no,
I meant the attic, Martin.

Oh, right.

On a mission
for planning permission,

Liam went to do
battle with Boyle's

most stringent
building supervisor.

Ah, it's yourself, Liam.

Well, now,
you look far too stressed for one so handsome.

- How are you, Gerry?
- I'm great...

Actually, I'm here on
a bit of a business matter.

Oh,
right, well, let me retrieve

that embrace that
I forced upon you.

All right.
Here we are. It's gone.

I was looking for some advice
on planning permission, Ger.

Ask away.

We're looking to
build an outhouse for some errant offspring.

Kind of a "get out
of our house" house.

Well, what I wouldn't give for
an overloaded dwelling, Liam.

It's an empty old home
with the wife away, you know?

Geraldine gone again, Ger?

Another business
trip with her boss.

That's nice,
where to this time?

Paris, I think she said.

Paris?

- What does she do again?
- She's the secretary down at the dump.

Right.

- Just her and her boss, is it?
- That's right.

That's right,
but it's hard, Liam. Oh, it's hard.

Sure, they only got back
from the Alps last Tuesday

and they're off
to the Caribbean for Christmas.

Work is work,

but it puts
a strain on things.

You know, all the travel
affects the ol' intimacy.

- Sex
- Yeah, I got that, Ger.

She can barely look at me
when she gets home, Liam.

The work has her so...

Shagged out, probably.

Nail on the head.

Ya know, it might be worth
talkin' to someone about that, Ger.

And with Debra doing
the counselling thing...

That's right. I thought I saw
one of her fliers in a phone box, yeah.

Maybe you could talk to her?

Well, hold on
a second there now, Liam.

Hold on a second there,
now, Liam.

Are you trying to bribe me for
planning with your wife's services?

That seems fair actually.

- Cup of tea and a bun?
- Yeah.

Did I say a bun?
I meant peach schnapps.

Hey, Sean, are you sure no
non-living lodgers live up here?

What, in the haunted attic?
Surely not.

It's me! You're the one
imagining me, ya big eejit!

Hey, beard face.

Ha-ha!

Ya scared the logic
right outta me!

Hey, not too shabby.

I think we found
our new home, Sean Murphy.

Yeah.

Oh. And your old
bedwetting sheet.

Pretty gross.

Well,

I think it's a brilliant idea.
Books are all the rage.

It would actually
be criminal of me not to give you a loan.

Well, that is music
to my musical ears.

You'll be the first man to get
a special deal on a new Bible

when we're up and running.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sure, I'm Jewish.

Oh.

Ah, well, Jesus was Jewish.

We all make mistakes.

You got that right.

Now, loan wise,
what we're talkin' here?

Well, I've done some homework,
and taking rent,

inventory and
outventory into account.

Er,
don't drown me with detail.

I thought this
figure would see us

through
the first three months.

Ooh.

Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye...

This figure
seems more realistic.

That's twice the number
I was asking for.

It's the '90s, Des,

there's plenty more
where that came from.

It just... I don't know how
I'd pay that amount back, Mr Leech.

# Double and deal
It's a steal

# Double and deal
Keepin' it real

# The interest
rate is pretty high

# Double and deal
Double and deal

# I'm worried
'bout my coffers dry

# But my empty palms
Just make me cry

# Double and deal
Double and deal

# You have
yourself a deal, Mr Leech

# This shit's just not real #

And that's how Ireland
did banking in the '90s.

Howya, lads?

We're looking
for something nice and spacious,

but we don't want to take up
too much of the garden.

Yeah, yeah, and we'd like it
to flow. Ya know?

A kind of modern flow.

A flow, right. Gotcha.

OK, here's what I'm thinking.

Right,
it's a south facing aspect.

Uh-huh.

And then just...
Just finish it off.

Ah, right, that's good.

Erm, is that it?

That's the overhead view.

Ah, OK.

So, what's the side view like?

Side view, side view.

Side.

I just think the whole flow...

This is the real one.

Just wondering.

Ah, I see where you're going.
Ah.

Erm, is there not
going to be a window?

Oh.

Do ye want a window?

Ooh la la.

You do know we're not building
a prison cell here, lads, right?

Ah, yeah, yeah.
Sure if it was a cell,

there'd be
a little toilet here.

Actually that's good.
Maybe we should have a toilet there.

Poo la la.

This is amazing, buddy.
An actual place of our own.

It's even got
that new room smell.

Oh, God!

Yeah,
I'm hoping that'll go away.

Its a shame we couldn't get
the old bed up here,

but this asbestos stuff
is working nicely.

Oh,
yeah, asbestos is the bestos.

Ah, I feel cosy all the way
into my little lungs.

Oh, balls.

Morning, downstairs people.
How's life in the servants' quarters?

This is still a bungalow,
Martin,

even if you've
moved into the roof.

I believe
everyone's calling it Martin's Penthouse.

Trisha, this says
that your mock Leaving

Cert exams start
in three weeks.

Are you all set for them?

Eh, yeah, all set.

I mean, it's all about timing.

At this stage, I don't
want to be over-prepared, ya know.

Well, it been a hectic year
with the bloody baby and everything.

Worse case scenario, I suppose
you could always just repeat your exams,

and go to college
the following year.

So, she won't be moving out?

Does it happen to say on there
what my subjects are?

Well,
I'm going to head back to Martin's Penthouse.

I'm gonna try and spruce
the place up a bit.

Gonna incorporate the ensuite
a little better.

What do you mean "ensuite"?

Well, the water tank.

Does this tea taste a little
wee-ey to you?

No. But it smells like sh...

So this is our site?

That's right, my love.

This is where
we're finally gonna put Catholicism on the map.

Wonder what went wrong
for the last guys.

Ah, who knows?
A Valentine's Day theme shop.

Wish I'd thought of that.

Dessie?

Ah, here's our
new landlords, now.

Folks,
this is my wife, Fidelma.

Namaste. I'm Chandrashekhar.

Oh. That's a lovely name.

Does it mean something?

It means,
"He, who like Lord Shiva, holds the moon in his hair."

Everyone just
calls him Shandy.

Ah.

We're all partial
to a few of those.

Actually,
we've been meaning to talk

to you about
the nature of the shop.

Would it be
possible to display

a few Hindu
statues on the premises?

It would bring good luck
to the building.

Oh. Er...

The previous tenants were
happy to do it.

Right. Didn't seem to
bring them much luck though.

Well, it your choice.

We can always discuss it again
in two months when the lease is up.

No, no. That sounds
like a brilliant idea!

We could do with all the luck
we can get. Right, Dessie?

Sure, why not?

Done.
Buddha bing, Buddha boom, as you would say.

If you were Buddhist.

And Italian.

Now, I'm no expert, lads,

but it seems fairly shallow
for a foundation, is all.

Surely, it's just
four wee walls, Liam.

I mean,
there's very little weight to support.

Yeah, I suppose.
And the roof, of course.

So,
er, you want a roof, do ya?

Ooh la la.

Yeah,
let's throw a roof on her for the craic.

Thanks, lads.

What is the point of
drawing up detailed plans

if we don't stick to them?

It's turning in to Buckingham
Fecking Palace.

I'm sure
she would have come, Debra,

but she has an aul
business lunch, you know,

she's probably halfway through
a magnum of champagne by now.

Yeah. So, you
brought your boys instead?

I did, yeah.
Yeah. For moral support.

They're my rocks.
Aren't ye, lads?

OK, well,

I've never really done
a single spouse session before.

You know,
this is usually the bit where I ask the wife

what she thinks is wrong.

Right.
Well, I can probably answer that one for ya, Deb.

Erm, she's just not attracted
to me any more.

Physically, you know.
Probably because I'm going bald.

But you're not
going bald, Gerry.

Oh, indeed, I am, Debra.

I am. Sure, look at me, I'm
practically a feckin' cue ball.

I really don't think you are.

He's a big fat baldy baby.

That Geraldine's
pet name for me.

Can I ask you, Gerry,

have you ever thought of
leading your marriage

in another direction?

Oh.
I have, Debra, yes, I have, but being a Catholic now,

sure, I can't go near the ol'
D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

They're 13, Gerry.
I'm sure they can spell that word.

No. No.

I think they use
their stupidity as a coping mechanism.

Well, they're not alone there.

They're not even switched on.

Meanwhile, Martin
was immersing himself

in the world of
home improvement,

learning from the very best
in the Wild West.

Where'd ya get the sand,
Frank?

For the first time ever, even

Dessie was
getting his hands dirty.

Hey, Dessie.

And fearing
another year at home, Trisha was hard at work too,

but was finding
living on a building

site to be
a little distracting.

I have a book at home.

Ooh la la.

It's Trisha.

Your granddaughter.

Who's he?

Uptown, Dessie got acquainted

with the new
owner of Boyle Bank.

Peace be upon you, Des.
A pleasure to meet a local entrepreneur.

Oh.
Go raibh maith agat, Gundeep.

I must say, I'm so excited
by your new shop.

Finally there'll be some
decent Sikh literature

available in
the west of Ireland.

Yeah.

What?

Have you thought about
opening a clothes section?

I'm so sick of
buying my turbans in Dunnes Stores.

One, two, three...

Oh.

And so like Archimedes,

Dessie Dolan had
his eureka moment

in the bath.

Except his vision
wasn't something useless about sums. Oh, no.

He saw a bold,
dynamic new enterprise,

Boyle's first
religious bookshop!

And so, it gives me great joy
to now joyfully open

Joys R Us.

Good man, Dessie!

Wow. It's a lot less Catholic
than I thought it would be.

It less Catholic
than Trisha's room.

Did ye see Ouija
boards anywhere? Mine's broken.

Which was nice.
But then the Jews

had to flee
from there as well.

God, you've an awful lot of
get-up-and-go, haven't ye?

Fair play to ye.

Tell me this much,
where do the Jews

stand on
the whole D-I-V-O-R-C-E?

Well, for a start,
I think most of us would say it as a single word.

Oh, right. Right. That puts ye
one step ahead of Catholicism anyway.

Keep talkin' there.

Ah, there you are, Father.

So, what do you
think of the place?

It's, er, lovely, Dessie. Yes.

Although, I...
I suppose I was expecting something a bit more,

ah, Catholic.

Don't worry, Father.
Follow me.

Wow, spaceships, lizards...

This is nearly as
mad as Catholicism.

Yeah, nearly.

I keep the good stuff in here.

I call it the papal pantry.

Who knew there
were so many mad religions in Boyle?

Certainly not me.

But in the words of big J,
Forbid him not for he that is

"not against us is for us."

By which I think he meant,
there's loads of religions,

but Catholicism is number one.

So your shop is going to
remain multi-faith?

A cacophony of catechisms,
Father.

So there'll also be
materials available for, erm... For Protestants?

Oh God, no!

Well, of course not.

Oh, thank the Lord.
Good man, Dessie.

Well,
Dessie, fair play to you. You pulled it off.

Who'd have thought my space
would connect with so many people!

I'm so proud of my hot male.

Ooh, Yahoo!

Oh, looks like there's another
ribbon to cut outside.

Unless that's some sort of
support structure.

Erm, well, let's try not to

judge it till we've
done the full tour.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Good idea.

Ooh, what have we here?

It's not as bad as it looks.

All it really needs
is a lick of paint.

There's no toilet!
There's no toilet. In the toilet!

They told me
they'd put in a toilet. We definitely had a toilet!

For feck's sake!

Martin!

Well, the ventilation's good.

Look at this place!

Oh, my God!

Parisenne.

It's amazing!

Now, this has a lovely flow.

Look at this place!

Oh. Hi, folks.
Welcome to the penthouse.

Would ye mind
taking off your shoes?

Oh, I just presumed.

It's a little bit cramped,
but it's...

It's perfect.

Wait, what's happening?

Welcome to Microloft.

Really stretching
the metaphor there, lads.

Never even
finished the mezzanine.

Cheer up, buddy. We may have
lost a bachelor pad,

but at least we
gained a donkey den!

Lookin' good, Gerry, that new
religion's taken years off ya!

Thanks,
Breda, mind yerself now

or I'll be
taking years off you!

What
the feck does that mean?

Just general flirting, Breda.

You're not looking too shabby
yourself there, Tony!

No more flaking
scalp for me, Gerry!

- Oops, sorry.
- Oh, sorry.

Sinead?

Allahu Akbar.