Original subtitles

To the untrained eye, this may look like

just another bloody bungalow,

but to the Moones, it was home.

A fitting home, a tight fitting, ill-fitting home

that fit neither man, nor beast, nor donkey.

Get up, Martin! Donkey's loose again.

Aw, balls.

Martin's mule, who he'd imaginatively christened Donkey Kong,

was the latest addition to the Moone home.

But since his dad was too flippin' lazy to build a stable,

or even dig a decent donkey pit,

Martin's trusty steed had gotten

into the bad habit of wandering off.

Have you seen this donkey, Mister?

No, I haven't, but I could do you a good deal on a blind goat.

- No, thanks. - Your loss.

Whoa, whoa, how good a deal? How...

We've been looking for ages, Sean.

We're never gonna find Donkey Kong. - No.

And you're absolutely sure that that's not him over there?

Well, it looks like me.

- Oh, yeah. That's him. - Yeah.

Another successful donkey hunt!

The other big change at home was that Fidelma, Dessie,

and Baby Rose had finally spread their wings.

And made a new nest of their very own

in Dessie's mother's house.

It's so weird, not having them here any more, isn't it?

The place is so quiet.

And fragrant.

Remember when Dessie started playing his Casio at breakfast,

and Dad threw a spoon at him?

It's his tears I miss the most.

And do you remember when Sinead stole one of Fidelma's rashers,

and she threw that hot tea in her face?

Oh, yeah. "Aaaaaah!"

- Ah, good times. - We're back!

Any nappies around, Mam?

It's like a poo fountain down there today.

Is this toast going spare? Cheers, bro.

Do you remember how great it was when we were all quietly remembering things?

God, it smells so good in here.

Oh, f...

♪Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

♪Wait a minute, where's me jumper?

♪Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?

♪Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no♪

Ah, the little dote

finally shat herself to sleep.

Thanks, Mam.

How are those rashers lookin', Dad?

- Just turning them now, love. - Nice and crispy, yeah?

Medium crispy for me please, Daddio.

Are you sure you gave it a proper chance at Dessie's mam's?

You were only there a week.

I don't know what the problem was.

I thought things were going great.

- Well, Marie is lovely. - The loveliest.

But she's just not really a baby person.

Mrs Dolan, are you using my breast pump as a Dustbuster?

Well, I'm hardly going to use it as a breast pump, now, am I?

Those rivers have long run dry.

Wait, where's Rose?

Oh, she soiled herself,

so she's having a nice bath.

Aww.

Why aren't you with her?

Ah, I don't need a bath.

Heya, Martin. You're live on P.O.D. News.

Any response to the rumours that you're a big eejit?

No comment.

Whoa! Hi, Padraic!

Best birthday present ever, hah?

But wasn't it your birthday three weeks ago?

It was indeed, but whenever my parents are fighting,

and forget that it's my birthday,

or that I live with them or whatever,

I always get great presents.

God, I wish my parents hated each other.

Ah, yeah. Nothing beats a good aul guilt gift.

Whoa! I'm on TV!

"Who's bringing the horse to France?"

"What you talkin' about, Willis?"

I'm not great at accents.

"Shut up, you slag!"

Whoa.

Missed a spot there, Daddy Moone.

You're sure you wouldn't be more comfortable inside, no?

Well, Fidelma's feeding Rose,

and I don't like to be in the same building when she's, ya know...

...juicing her bosom.

Listen, Dessie. It's lovely having ye all here.

- With all of us. - You're welcome, Liam.

But have you put any thought into long term living arrangements?

Well, obviously, I've already asked Father Linehan,

but he seems a bit reluctant after the whole godfather debacle.

And now the godparents will take their vows.

Do you renounce Satan?

- Yes, I do. - I suppose.

Do you believe in God the Father, creator of Heaven and Earth?

- Not really. - Yes I do. That why I became a priest.

Tonight on Water Colouring With Walter, we will be doing seascapes, lakescapes,

and puddlescapes.

Yes!

Do we have to watch this rubbish? - Shh!

Let your father watch his terrible programme.

If we switch over now, we might catch the end of The Angelus .

We are not switching over!

Even Rose doesn't like this muck.

I think she's peckish. Does any one have any peanuts?

Or a chewing gum?

♪Little donkey, little donkey. On your dusty... ♪

The wonders of nature...

Right! Forget it!

I'll just continue to go through life painting lacklustre lakes!

Ah, lovely stuff.

Priests are so stupid.

- Cycling is hard. - Yeah.

Well, what a bunch of big feckin' eejits we framed there.

Now look, if you send your films to us,

we'll pay you 250 quid for every one that we show.

So please, get them in!

There's only 300 video cameras in Ireland,

and we don't want to be showing the same film again and again.

I'm only jokin'. I'm sure that'll never happen

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, buddy?

I sure am!

I better go change that lightbulb in my bedroom.

No, no, no, wait. Just keep thinking for a second.

No.

Don't rush it.

That's just a shoe. Be a little less stupid.

Wait, wait.

Hold, hold.

- Wait a second. - There it is.

Have a look at these two. These'll make you laugh.

It's a child falling off a bicycle, and a priest stumbling at the altar.

♪You've been framed to look like a big feckin' eejit... ♪

You all right, Dad?

Fidelma, look.

I love you, I truly do,

and it's lovely having ye all here, but d'ya know what'd be even better?

- Having ye some place else. - What's happened, Liam?

Come in!

Ah, how are you Liam? I'll be done in a jiffy.

- Why did you say "come in"? - Ah, because you knocked.

Yeah, I've been trying to get him out of that habit.

Look, ye're a family, now.

Ye should have your own space.

Yeah, with locks, or clothes, or both.

Maybe we could convert Dad's workshop.

Maybe ye could have protected sex!

Wait, could they not use Grandad's

house now that he's in the nursing home?

- I don't know. - We wouldn't even have to tell him.

Well, he wears the only key around his neck,

and he's a light sleeper.

Maybe ye could bring the baby up to see him,

try and talk him round.

That house would be perfect, Dad.

Yeah. And I'd say that the bats have migrated by now.

The bats?

A bit of a clean and it'll be grand.

I'm not sure Dad will go for it.

- He's a bit set in his ways. - Aren't we all?

We talked about locking the bathroom, haven't we Dessie?

Mammy always says, "Keep your heart and your doors open to Jesus".

OK, but why so naked?

Ah, well, the thing is Debra, I was doing a number two.

We'll call Grandad in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, definitely a baby.

It's a new Moone, Grandad.

And what age is Martin now?

Erm, Rose is six months.

Her birthday will always help me remember the wedding anniversary.

Oh, you got married? I can't seem to remember that.

Well, you were there.

We definitely didn't forget to invite you.

Oh, right. Er...

Had I a good time?

You were the life and soul of the place, Grandad.

Well, I am great craic.

And the nurses have all been saying what a terrific addition

to this place you are.

Ohh, sure they're awful liars.

And thieves.

So, eh, Grandad. We were thinking,

maybe, while you're here, we might use your place.

Oh, right. Well, that seems fine.

Only thing is, I'm not sure any other babies live here.

No, Papa Moone,

we're talking about your house.

Oh, right.

Let me get this straight.

You want me to move back into my old house so ye can live here?

No, no, we were hoping, we could live in your house, and you'd just...

Stay here.

Then I'd have no house.

It just, we're all at Mam and Dad's, and it so full of people.

Well, I've always said, there's nothing better than being around family.

- But, the thing is... - Better go, family time is over.

Meanwhile in Boylewood,

the hunt was on for some big feckin' eejits to frame.

Got a nice wide shot here, boss. It's a lovely light.

Great!

Now all we need is some kind of hilarious accident to happen.

Here we go. This'll be priceless.

OK, you've gotta concentrate. Keep your centre.

Atta girl! Terrific!

- How do you feel? - Great!

Oh, balls.

C'mon, gravity, do your thing.

It's weird because he's usually so unstable!

A priest! Oh, please fall, or faint, or fart, or something.

Ah, balls.

Come on, Father.

Maybe we should just try and fake it.

Fake a funny accident? But wouldn't that be cheating?

Well, yeah, but for 250 pounds.

Yes! Of course!

God, I nearly forgot about the money! Yeah, let's fake it!

Yeah! Let's Milli Vanilli this shit!

The addition of the Dolan clan to the Moone house

gave the young Moones the opportunity to spend even more time together,

which was a real... What the... -

- What the hell is that? - What's what?

Ah, the aul night terrors, is it?

Night terrors? What the feck?

Ah, shut up. I hardly notice any more.

Just kinda melts into my own sweet dreams like a big,

violent Rice Krispie bun.

Why don't you wake her up?

Oh, there no waking her up in that state.

She might as well be dead.

Which is ironic, because that's what she often shouts about.

Did the baby wake you too, pet?

No, I'm just sleeping next to the girl from The Exorcist.

It's all that cheese she eats.

Well, I'm not going to be the one to take away her nightly fondue.

How did I end up sharing a room with a simpleton and a psychopath?

Don't make me feel bad, Trish, Grandad left us with no option.

I think you dismissed living in the nursing home too easily.

- Yeah - We need to make Dad feel like

he's making the decision, rather than being pushed into it.

Yeah, right, appeal to his charitable side.

We should make ourselves look like a charity case.

Like rural refugees.

We should invite him over and show him how terrible it is here.

- Hi there. - No, Mam.

We'll make it look much worse than it is.

You're going to lie to my father, so ye can steal his house?

Or we could just stay here. I'd happily die in this house.

What kind of rural refugees?

- All right, boss? - Hey, P.O.D.

How's the best D.O.P. in B.O.Y.L.E.?

All good, the cast are in makeup and the camera locked and loaded.

I can smell our Academy Award.

So, where'd ya find him this mornin'?

Mass. I'm gonna have to start locking him in the house.

That won't stop him. He's a sucker for a sermon.

Colliding Twins, take one.

And action!

Cut!

Collapsing Chair, take one.

And action!

Cut!

Colliding Twins, take three.

And action!

Cut!

Collapsing Chair, take flipping 12.

And action!

Cut.

Did we get it?

Trevor was good. The chair was a bit wooden.

Back at the Moone slum,

our rural refugees had convinced Grandad

to celebrate his birthday with them.

After somehow convincing him that it was his birthday.

With the family expanding so quickly, we have to use every inch of the place.

I like it. It's got a real Butlin's feel to it.

Yeah.

Sorry, they've cut the power off again. - Aww.

Come on in, Grandad

Best leave your coat on, Dad.

And your hands in your nice, warm pockets.

Money's a bit tight right now, so we've had to rent out the bedrooms.

Hey, handsome.

Wanna do something a bit more fun with those big hands?

I'm grand, thank you.

Well, if you change your mind, the OAP special lasts until six.

Baby Jesus, we know we are not worthy...

Don't worry, the lodgers only use the communal room on weekends.

Do ya fancy a quick gamble, Mister?

Do ya have any jewellery? Or gold teeth?

I have a pliers, here.

Ah, there's the birthday boy.

Wanna help me pluck your starter?

Oh. Hi, Grandad,

Didn't hear ya come in. I was just down at the well.

Great work, love.

Looks like the jacks will be getting a flush this week after all!

Oh, thank God.

Great job on the food.

Really sells the misery of the situation.

- It's just my normal food. - What?

Yeah, I know, I was just...

Hey, whose idea was the shockin' grub?

Genius.

♪For he's a jolly good fellow

♪For he's a jolly good fellow!

♪For he's a jolly good fellow!

♪Which nobody can deny!

Thanks for doing all this, Fidelma.

We'd give you the bumps, but we just don't have the space.

Everything would be better if we just had that bit more space.

And Rose can't sleep in this cupboard forever.

No. She'd die.

Have you thought any more about us moving into your old, empty,

unwanted house, Papa Moone?

Why would you want to live in that lonely old place?

Livin' here is like living in a circus.

But I don't want to raise our child in a circus.

Ya know, when I was working on the building sites in London in the 60s,

it was fifteen lads to a room.

It was some night if a fella brought a woman home.

Oi.

I'd say it was.

Now, let's see if I can split this 12 ways.

I don't know what else we could've done,

short of putting holes in the bloody roof.

Maybe if I'd put up more tents. - Or if I'd ruined the dinner.

Maybe if I'd acted a bit sluttier.

You were plenty slutty, Linda.

I was happy to go the whole hog, Delma.

Look, we were asking someone to just give up his house.

That's a lot to ask.

I couldn't give up this place easily.

And we couldn't give ye up easily.

I could give Dessie up easily.

Your father's some poker player. - I thought he was bluffin'.

Come on, love. Best head back into Beirut.

If you think you're gonna fall off that chair, or have an aul stroke

or anything, will ya just let me know?

I think I'll use the bathroom.

None of this is good enough for TV.

What the feck?

Come in!

What goes in, must come out.

Ah, pshah!

We're never gonna get that money.

You know, buddy, I've been thinkin',

we've been tryin' to frame eejits,

who have all let us down,

when we have the biggest eejit

I've ever met right here.

Me?

Well, I meant Padraic.

Come on, worms, don't fight it.

But it's a close run thing.

Ya think I should be the star eejit?

Well, when you say it like that. Yes, I do.

- You're a genius, Sean! - Yes, I am.

Martin Moone, the hero of a bold, hilarious, but totally safe stunt!

Yes, safety should be one of our top ten priorities.

OK, here's what we'll do.

I'll jump on to the house, and pretend to be sweeping the roof.

Then Padraic yells, "Tea's ready!"

and I'll jump onto the ladder to climb down.

But the ladder leans back, like it's toppling over.

Except it doesn't topple over, and I'm just left there

wobbling on top of it, looking like a big eejit.

But then I lean back, and it looks like I'm going to die,

but then Padraic brings Donkey Kong over, just in time

and I land softly on his back and we gallop off.

I like it, Martin. But is it ambitious enough?

I just don't know.

I'm sure Dessie would let you borrow his clothes if you asked him nicely.

Saved ya the last of the fig roll, Grandad.

Thanks. But, er, I better go.

It's Bingo night tonight, and I've rigged the balls.

All right, I'll drop you back, Dad.

And, Fidelma, I've been thinking.

Maybe it would be best for you

if you took my house for a while.

- Really? - You can't raise a child here.

I wouldn't rear my rear end in this place.

- That great news, Dad. - Wait, Grandad, no.

I can't let you do this.

This whole thing today, it's not all it seems.

Oh, sure, I know that. This house seems brilliant,

the whole vintage look ye've cultivated,

the pretty palm reader, the friendly gamblers.

But then I see sleep-screamers, a bedroom mule,

and a toilet streaker.

Did you set up any of that stuff?

No!

So, for Rose's sake,

I think you should have this.

Oh, I don't know, Grandad.

This place really isn't that bad.

Aw, balls!

I'm not even surprised by that.

Did you get it, Padraic?

And action!

And so the time came for the Dolan posse to ride off into the sunset.

C'mon, Martin, we've got to capture this historic moment.

And like a classic Moone production,

their finale was in danger of turning in to a real tear jerker

Come see us sometime, yeah?

Are ye not coming in?

No, we'll, erm...

We'll leave you to it.

Yeah.

OK.

Come on.

Wait!

Would ye mind if we stayed at home tonight?

Come on love, don't be afraid, your life is yours to live now.

No, we need an exterminator.

The place is full of bats.

And that's a wrap.

My hair! My beautiful hair!

Ha-ha! What about that, huh?

A simpleton, staggering about with a bat in his hair!

Fantastic. Look, we've even better stuff coming up.

We have a child falling off a bicycle,

and we have a priest stumbling at the altar,

and a simpleton with a bat in his hair!