Original subtitles

They say a happy hen makes a happy egg.

And the Moone coop was full of perky poultry.

But all it takes to stink up a hen house is one bad egg.

Or a cock with diarrhoea.

Thanks for tuning in.

Pat.

Jesus! Are you all right?

I'm sorry to call so early, Debra, but I'm looking for Padraic.

- I think he's run away. - Oh, God.

Don't worry, love, kids wander off all the time,

but they always find their way home.

They're like cats.

Padraic loved cats.

Ah, Pat. Come in.

Come on in, love. It'll be OK.

Martin, Padraic's run away. Go out and find him, will ya?

He's run away?

Without us? The big Judas.

What does he know about running away?

We invented running away.

Yeah. That's our thing. We ran home from holidays.

But why would anyone run away from Boyle?

That just makes no sense.

This seems very unlike Padraic.

Running away is just so reckless and

athletic.

Things have been a bit tense at home lately.

- Between myself and Paddy. - Oh.

It's such a quiet house these days

and I think Padraic just finds all the long silences quite upsetting.

Oh.

Plus all the shouting and screaming. That seems to really bother him too.

I know on the outside, Padraic seems to have such a hard,

almost brutally tough shell,

but underneath it all he's quite a sensitive soul.

Don't worry, love.

I'm sure Martin will track him down in no time.

He loves a good manhunt.

What we've got here is a fugitive.

Average running and skipping speed for Padraic is one mile an hour.

That's not including time spent napping and chasing squirrels.

That gives us a search radius of...

Depends on squirrel speed, really.

Oh, that's a good point. I hadn't even...

We should just give up, actually.

No, Sean, we'll just have to search every farmhouse, tree house,

Wendy house and house-house

until we find Padraic,

and bring him home, dead or alive!

Well, let's aim for alive, and see how we get on, yeah?

Grand, I'll just grab my shotgun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Isn't that him there in your wardrobe?

Padraic?

Oh!

Hi, Martin!

Is breakfast ready? I'm so hungry I could eat a squirrel.

♪Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

♪Wait a minute, where's me jumper?

♪Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?

♪Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no ♪

Dad? Can I ask...

Just let me finish my tea, love.

Poor Padraic.

I can't believe Paddy and Pat are having such problems.

Well, not all marriages are built to last.

Some of us stick together through thick and thin,

like a pair of lovely swans,

while others just flounder around

in a constant state of marital despair.

Like ducks.

Don't ducks mate for life, too?

Are you jokin'?

Ducks are the Liz Taylors of the lake.

Dad, can I just ask you this one thing?

Does that look done yet, love?

The thing is though, Liam, when I was consoling Pat,

I had a bit of a revelation.

When she was going on and on and on and on

about all of her problems and whatever,

I realised, I'm a really good listener.

Ah, yeah. Me too.

Maybe I could listen professionally.

Interesting.

Like, take on the monopoly of the feckin' Samaritans?

No, I mean, like a therapist or a marriage counsellor.

Well, there's certainly a lot people could learn from swans like us, Deb.

Exactly.

Now, I know you're upset we missed out on a good manhunt this morning.

I shouldn't have got my hopes up.

But, in a way, we can get the same buzz by making sure Padraic is all right.

Yes! We should track down his problems

and skin them alive.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

What? That's mad talk.

Surely the best kind of friend is one who gives ya sweets

and crisps and stuff.

A friend who feeds is a friend indeed?

Ha! Now you're talking sense, Sean.

And I knew she was having an affair, Dr Bill,

cos she started acting so feckin',

happy.

Mmm-hmm.

Going around whistling and stuff.

Humming and whistling.

It cut through me like a musical knife.

I like to whistle. Is that a crime now?

A woman has needs, Doctor.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

You could totally do that, Deb. - Mmm.

I mean, Jesus, I could do that. - Well...

So, the Weight Wishers is all done then, yeah?

You're a marriage counsellor now?

Well, I've applied for a correspondence course,

so my tune may well change, Linda,

but I don't see it as the end of the weight loss symphony.

More as another string to my self-help bow.

Someone's gettin' fiddled, anyway.

God, you know, it's a shame you don't have a broken marriage, Linda.

You could have been my first customer!

Yep.

Definitely a downside to being a widow all right.

And we'll be back with more from Bernard and Collette

on You Talking to Me? with, Dr Bill, right after this.

- Nob. -Oh, Jesus.

Hey, P-dawg old pal.

Want some sambo?

Ah, no, I'm grand. Got a whole Viennetta here.

Mam's great for apology-lunches.

I hope you didn't mind me sleeping in your wardrobe last night.

There was just so much shouting at home,

not even my crying could drown it out.

What were they shouting about?

Ah, just the usual stuff.

"You ruined my life. I wish I was dead."

Sure, you know yourself.

God, that's awful, P.

Ah, no, it's grand. They were just having a big old fight.

It's all just a bit of craic.

Anyway. I'd better be heading in.

Yeah, those eyes won't cry themselves.

- Poor P-dawg. - I know.

I mean, on the surface he seems fine,

but you should see how messed up his imaginary friend is.

I'm not imaginary! You're imaginary!

And you're imaginary! And you're imaginary!

All right, Crunchie, all right.

Ah, shut up, you big stupid mick!

I don't think he's diluted that.

I think he's drinking it neat.

And I think it might be really helpful

to just sit down and have a chat about your problems, you know?

With someone who has compassionate ears.

Is this just cos Padraic was hiding in your closet?

Sure he does that here.

He'll come out of the closet when he's good and ready.

To be honest, Debs, we have tried stuff.

Books, and watching Dr Bill, and...

We even did a mediation thing with the priest.

-I just don't -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I just don't know how I can please him! - Same old.

- He seems unpleasable. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shut up! I'm holding the Jesus cushion! I get to talk now!

That is actually the Listening Cushion.

Idiot!

Pat is holding the Conch of Mary.

I'll crack it over your feckin' head!

- You try it! You try it! - Padraic, bells, bells, bells.

There's a big difference between a priest and a marriage counsellor.

I thought you were a fatty instructor.

I'm an all-rounder, Paddy.

I just improve people's lives.

Whether it's lightening up a drooping marriage

or tightening up drooping bingo wings.

But you've no actual experience?

Which is why I'm offering the trainee discount.

- Oh. - And there's tea included with that...

Oh, stop.

- And Jaffa Cakes. - Sold.

Hey. Wanna go into the pet shop, P-dawg?

Nah, I should probably head home.

See if I can fall asleep before the screaming kicks off.

Oh, come on, P.

Nothing'll take your mind off your problems at home

like looking at a bunch of mad animals cooped up in a cage together.

Well, I can't argue with that logic.

We're not putting ya out here, Liam?

No, no, no. I actually prefer working outside when it's nice and cold.

Thanks, Liam. I love you

and appreciate you with all my heart.

- Weirdo. -Now.

To kick things off, I thought I'd let you share your many problems.

Just to get a sense of why your marriage is so very terrible.

So Pat, if you'd like to go first.

And Paddy, if you'd like to just listen for now and then respond. OK?

Are those our Jaffa Cakes?

We'll have the cakes later.

First the tears and then the cakes.

- Pat. - Debra.

- Pat. - Debra.

Go ahead, Pat.

Oh,

well,

I think the big problem is communication.

- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. - We don't talk any more.

Bar the shouting. And the roaring.

Uh-huh.

When we first got married, we were like two peas in a pod.

Mmm-hmm.

Now we're like two peas in some miserable pea soup

that's watery and bland and hateful.

And what about you, Paddy? What do you see as the problem?

Feeling any better, P?

Yeah, nothing lifts the sprits like the smell of caged fear.

Where'd you get that?

- Nicked it. - Nicked it?

- From the hamsters? Why? - Just felt like nickin' it.

- Do you want one? - What?

Of course, I want one!

- Ha! It feels like Christmas. - Yeah.

But, wait? Isn't this kinda wrong?

I dunno. I've been thieving loads lately.

It's great craic. Let's go do it again!

This is amazing! He's gone rogue!

A rebel from a broken home with nothin' to prove.

I never thought I'd say this,

but Padraic's actually becoming pretty flippin' cool.

Yeah, but cool in a bad way, right?

Eh! Don't you remember our song about cool people?

♪Follow them, copy them Do everything that they do

♪Never question That's our rule

♪And then we will be cool

♪Yeah

Danger?

That's it, buddy.

Now just stroll down the street, nice and casual.

Aw, balls.

Oh, I must give up the chocolate fags.

- So, what did you get? - Erm, some frozen peas.

And a box of cling film.

- Deadly! - What a score!

What about you?

Six jars of jam and a healthy...

Begonia semperflorens.

Sweet! What'll we do with it all?

I'm thinking a jam and cling film party?

Who's with me?

Let's throw them all in the river!

Both good ideas.

Well, we could cling-film everything,

so it doesn't get wet.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

That's a Martin Moone party.

Keepin' it fresh.

So how did the first counselling session go last night?

Yeah, good.

Oh, yeah?

It's just, I noticed a few windows in the workshop got smashed.

- Oh, balls. - Shards and crumbs everywhere.

To be honest, Liam, it's a lot harder than I thought.

I just can't seem to get Paddy to open up.

Well, don't worry about it, love.

The important thing is,

you gave it a whole day

before giving up.

Hey, I'm not giving up!

I'm just saying that resuscitating a dead, loveless marriage

isn't a total piece of piss,

like I thought it would be.

Well, some men can feel a bit vulnerable around women.

Maybe I should invite Paddy out for a few rounds with the lads.

Yeah, might soften him up a bit.

Exactly. Get him to lower his guard and you can finish him off.

No, that's not what I had in mind...

Team Moone, huh?

And so it was that Martin Moone embarked on a life of crime,

taking to it like a duck to marital breakdown.

Goo-goo ga-ga. I've done a toilet.

Nice day for it.

And then Declan said, "I don't think you're even my real father."

Sweet Jesus.

And it hurt me deep.

Of course, it did.

Cos I'm not 100% sure meself.

Well, it was the '70s.

The Irish '60s.

Heady days.

Of delights.

You know, it's mad to think that I am a granddad.

But I'm still just a young lad. A boy, with hopes and

desires.

Let's talk about desires now.

I had a great one last night.

Ya know the young one from the nunnery?

Hold that thought there, Frank.

Is there anything you'd like to share, Paddy?

When does the poker start?

Here we go.

What's, er... What's so funny?

Well, do you see, Paddy? We don't really play poker here.

No, it's more, kind of, high stakes emoting that we're dealing.

Oh, you nailed it there.

Whingin' about your families, is it?

Ah.

Well, exploring the difficulties of the modern male, like.

My wife's a stupid aul cow.

Oh.

And that makes me so sad.

Oh, here come the waterworks.

Jesus.

Oh, for God Almighty.

So, is it me birthday or something?

No. No, we're here because

the other imaginary friends and I are worried about you, buddy.

And we thought it was time to have a little talk at you.

Is this an intervention?

In a pub?

Look, Crunchie, it's just,

we're a little concerned about your behaviour lately.

What behaviour?

I watched you wrestle a bicycle yesterday, Crunch.

And you lost.

You lost against a bicycle.

It started it! Spoked me in the eye.

Don't you start, Derrick.

We were there for you when that bitch left you.

And then there's your drinking.

Last week, you puked into my Cinderella slippers.

And then you drank it.

Well, at least it shows I'm cleaning up after meself.

Argh. Come on.

You think this is what Padraic had in mind

when he picked you as his imaginary friend?

An old wrestler in a Babygro, drinking shoe-sick?

Maybe.

You're right, Derrick!

I'm so sorry.

It's been so stressful at home with Padraic.

It got to me, OK?

I'm only human. I've failed him.

I should be there for that boy.

Huh?

Thou shalt not steal!

You took our water-feeders

when we were crossing the desert.

Drink his blood!

Pile on!

Get off, hamsters!

Hey.

It's OK, Martin. It was just a bad dream.

You get used to them.

Thanks, Padraic. G'night.

Night, pal.

Night, Sinead.

I have a knife under my pillow.

Okey-doke. Erm, night all.

Hateful glances, words unsaid, dreams forgotten.

I want to start over,

but I can't even see the start line any more.

What if ye have a holiday.

I hear Blackpool is nice.

I need a new life, not a new bed.

A life where I can look in the mirror and not despise the boy staring back.

You're sharing too much.

We only really want 20% honesty.

Maybe, Paddy, the whole counselling thing would be more suitable.

I'm drowning in pathos over here.

Counselling, me hole.

Another room where women take turns judging me,

ridiculing me like Mammy did.

What if I came along, too?

You and me, Liam.

Together.

Two little boys standing tall.

Okey-dokey.

I think I'll go and get the poker set.

Oh, I'll... I'll come with you. - Yeah.

Er...

I wonder what we'll nick next.

We've done every joint in town.

Yeah, it felt like we were running out of places

when we stole those coat hangers from Oxfam.

Not to worry, I suppose we'll just start over like Bonnie and Clyde.

C'mon, sweet cheeks.

Me thieving fingers are getting giddy.

I think I might sit this one out.

My thieving fingers have pilfers fatigue.

Oh, but it's not as fun if we don't do it together.

Well, maybe you don't have to do it either?

Ha! I said it's not as fun, Bonnie.

Alone, it's still brilliant craic.

Why do I always have to be the girl?

So here we are again.

All of us.

Hopefully, we can reach a new state of honesty and reconciliation.

What does Liam have to say?

Well, we're really just here to listen.

I want to listen, too.

To Liam.

Well,

marriage is

hard.

Finally, someone talking a bit of bloody sense in here.

How do we make it easier, Liam?

Go on, then.

Throw us some pearls.

Yes, Liam. Fill us with your wisdom.

All right. Er, Paddy, er,

once a week, just say something nice about

- Pat's hair. - Oh, for God's sake.

Will do.

Your hair is nice. Nice and thick.

Thanks, Paddy. That means a lot.

I have one.

Respect each other's space.

That's rich, sittin' in my workshop.

Well done, Liam. Stand tall, little man.

How do you get your hair so thick?

Hello.

Hello, stupid ears.

Aw. Hello, little fellas.

That won't quench your thirst, fella.

No, but it'll take the edge off.

Yeah, but think of the hamsters.

All caged up, famished and alone.

They're five to a cage.

Yeah, and all they want is a little bit of peace.

A quiet life, far away from their ferocious furry family.

I think I know what you're saying, you wise old bastard.

Good.

Cos it felt very hazy to me.

I knew you were trouble the minute I saw you.

It's little brats like you that make my life hell,

with your shaggy hair and your giddy hands.

Sorry.

Remember the dodgy rhyme, buddy.

A friend who thieves is a friend indeed!

- Bonnie! - Who the hell are you?

I am the water-feeder thief, and this man is innocent.

Set him free!

Is the water-feeders gone too?

I just opened up all the cages.

Oh, balls.

Right, lads. Let's break it down.

Marriage. Always. Requires. Really. Impressive. Affection.

Goals. Etc.

Brilliant. Say it again, Liam, I want to write it down.

-Marriage... - It's not even a sentence.

Wait!

It spells marriage, too!

You're a genius, Liam.

Moone and Moone marriage savers?

I got kids down here.

They've let the rabbits out, birds out...

They what?

If I catch them in here again, I'll have to call the guards.

I'm so sorry.

I'm afraid Padraic's had some problems at home.

This is the one who did the stealing.

So your child is the bad child?

There's no such thing as a "bad child", Pat.

Apart from your fella, the thief.

Well, his father always had a bit of a dark streak.

Me?

Says little Miss, "Oh, did I forget to pay for the petrol?"

Er, one time that happened,

probably from watching you forget so often.

At least...

I mean, it seems almost impenetrable to the weather.

How do you do it?

A woman has her secrets, Paddy.

Maybe I'll let them slip when we get home.

Lovely, I'm looking forward to a nice cup of tea

and putting my feet up in the wardrobe.

Hope there's room for one more.

I'll always make room for you my friend.

At least I've never come back from a wedding

with a set of cutlery in my purse.

They were wedding favours, Liam. Everyone was taking them.

You're the one always sampling grapes at the supermarket.

Well, I need to know if they're sweet. Not like you, you big sour grape.

Wow.

Your parents get vicious pretty quick, huh?

Yeah. They're like a pair of flippin' swans.

Yeah.