Original subtitles

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? Five, four, three, two, one ?

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- I'm a Marine Corps veteran.

I served from 1998 to 2003.

Scariest day of my whole Marine Corps career was

the first day of bootcamp.

It was a culture shock, you know.

I wasn't ready.

As soon as we got off the bus, it just started happening.

It's like, "Get over here, get in this line."

I'm like, "Okay, we're starting now.

Okay, son of a bitch.

Oh shit."

It was all so fast, you know?

They put us in line, they shaved our head,

they stripped us down naked.

They left us that way for an inappropriate amount of time.

It's like three or four hours,

just naked getting yelled at.

"Get in this line."

"Is this the line for clothes?

Oh my God, I hope so, fuck."

They finally gave us new clothes,

like one piece at a time, you know?

Like, "Here's a sock.

Too slow back of the line.

Oh fuck, okay."

When you finally get some sleep, right?

They got you lined up in front of the bunks.

The guy comes in, he's like,

"All right, we're gonna secure and hit the rack,

so put on the following articles of clothing."

He makes us put on those little tighty-whitey, you know,

and the green T-shirt and the flip flops.

And he made us tuck the T-shirt into the underwear.

Yeah, I was like, "Why are you making us be so cute, man?

This is fucken adorable."

And they made us stamp our name on the underwear

right across the dick.

That was messed up, man.

We were trying to learn each other's names and shit.

I was just trying to make friends.

I was like, "Hey man, nice to meet you, Garcia, fuck."

He's like, "Actually, it's Garcia Reyes.

Well, it wrapped around, bro, whatever.

I'll fucken learn your long ass hyphenated name later."

I got in trouble the first morning of bootcamp.

The first wake up,

I was the first recruit in trouble.

I wasn't even awake good.

I didn't know what the hell was going on.

He was mad 'cause I had a boner, you know?

Was banging a trash can.

Like "Get up and get out of bed."

I just jumped up like,

"Here we go, son of a bitch, oh fuck."

I'm like, "Fuck it, I'll just stick it out there, I guess.

Yeah!"

Dude was pissed.

It's like he took offense to it

like I was doing it on purpose.

So I took him right out

of his little prepared speech, you know?

He's coming down the line like,

"Today is day one of Marine Corps bootcamp.

Today we will begin to instill in you a sense of...

(audience laughs)

What the fuck is this right here?"

He just called me out in front of everybody.

He just said it straight out.

"Why are you hard, Knowles?"

I was like, "Why are you guys not?

It's morning.

(audience laughs)

I'm 19.

This is gonna happen, bro."

(audience applauds)

You know how it is when you're different in bootcamp.

They wanna make an example out of you.

So he made me stand at attention

in front of the whole squad bay

with my boner that said Knowles across the front.

The W's all stretched out wide and shit.

He made everyone else do pushups.

I had to just stand there.

He's like, "You boys enjoying all these pushups?

Well, everybody's gonna keep doing pushups

until Knowles's boner goes away."

Like that's a lot of pressure for a young man, you know?

I was trying to wish it away, like uh!

Nope, it's like got a pulse. (thuds)

(audience laughs)

I'm like, "Grandma, baseball, fuck.

Hillary Clinton, that helps a little."

(everyone laughs)

It took forever and those guys had to do like 400 pushups.

He was like, "Yeah, y'all enjoying all these pushups?

Well, let's see how Knowles is doing over here.

Nope, he's still turned on over here."

(everyone laughs)

Yeah, I was like, "I'm not turned on, sir,

but quit breathing on it maybe.

Back up, bro.

(everyone laughs)

Right, you spit when you talk.

That's not helping at all, man.

(audience laughs)

I ain't gonna say I liked it, but I didn't hate it."

That was day one for me.

(rock music)

(rock music continues)

Present, Arms (writing scratches)

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