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(logo sizzles)
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(no audio)
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? 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, ?
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? Five, four, three, two, one ?
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- [Narrator] Space Force Roast.
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- [Instructor] We hire
people to do our choking.
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- [Instructor] Do ya?
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Yeah, outsource it, right?
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- Yeah, you just gonna choke 'em.
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- [Instructor] That makes sense.
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Until they turn purple, right?
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- What's up, battles?
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(everyone laughs)
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- Oh, man.
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- Come on, guys.
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Whatever happened to one team, one fight.
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- Well, there's already
four teams right here,
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so I guess that makes
you the fifth element.
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- So what the fuck do
you call your recruits?
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Space Cadets?
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- How the fuck do you smoke
privates in zero gravity.
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- Do you yell at your recruits in space?
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I thought nobody could hear you scream.
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- This is kind of the opposite
of why we're here today.
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- Do you give 'em that
freeze-dry MRE shit?
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- What kind of candy
comes in those things?
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Milky ways?
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- Moon pies?
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- Starburst?
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- Mars bars?
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- You know Mars isn't a
real deployment, right?
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- Is this how you guys
talk to your privates?
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- I skip the small talk
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and get right into beating my privates.
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- Wait, you guys beat your privates?
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- I prefer to flick mine.
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- Okay, now we're edging
on a sharp complaint.
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- [All] Ooh!
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- Now we're edging.
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- I swear to God, I'll tell my commander.
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- Oh, Major Tom?
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- What's your branch
motto there, tough guy?
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- To infinity and beyond.
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- Do you use a Vulcan
death grip on the trainees?
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- Or maybe the Darth Vader force choke?
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- What the fuck are those wings?
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Are you a paratrooper
or a Starship Trooper?
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- Actually, we're called Guardians.
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(everyone laughs)
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- So you're the real
guardians of the galaxy, huh?
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- Hey, who's more fun to work with,
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the raccoon or the baby tree?
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- What were you before you hit the trail?
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A fucken space shuttle door gunner?
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- Nah, look at this high speed.
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Mobile infantry, for sure.
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- Rico!
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(everyone laughs)
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- Oh fuck, I think he's broken.
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- They must have
repressurized him too fast.
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- Holy shit!
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Get a load of this guy.
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Were you a good boy at Space Camp?
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- Come on, Coastie, this
is harassment training.
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- You come in here on this day of all days
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during anti-harassment training
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and immediately began harassing
this poor son of a bitch
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who's just trying to serve his country.
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- His universe.
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- His galaxy.
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- He signed up, not just
for the stars on the flag,
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but for the stars above.
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- When did everybody get so sensitive?
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- [All] Get the fuck out!
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- Yeah, you glorified TSA agent.
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(everyone laughs)
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- [Instructor] Fucken
lifeguard, go back to Florida.
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Nobody cares.
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- Anybody want Starbursts?
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(military drumming)
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(military drumming continues)
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Present, Arms
(writing scratches)
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