Original subtitles

(logo sizzles)

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? Five, four, three, two, one ?

- [Narrator] Space Force Roast.

- [Instructor] We hire people to do our choking.

- [Instructor] Do ya?

Yeah, outsource it, right?

- Yeah, you just gonna choke 'em.

- [Instructor] That makes sense.

Until they turn purple, right?

- What's up, battles?

(everyone laughs)

- Oh, man.

- Come on, guys.

Whatever happened to one team, one fight.

- Well, there's already four teams right here,

so I guess that makes you the fifth element.

- So what the fuck do you call your recruits?

Space Cadets?

- How the fuck do you smoke privates in zero gravity.

- Do you yell at your recruits in space?

I thought nobody could hear you scream.

- This is kind of the opposite of why we're here today.

- Do you give 'em that freeze-dry MRE shit?

- What kind of candy comes in those things?

Milky ways?

- Moon pies?

- Starburst?

- Mars bars?

- You know Mars isn't a real deployment, right?

- Is this how you guys talk to your privates?

- I skip the small talk

and get right into beating my privates.

- Wait, you guys beat your privates?

- I prefer to flick mine.

- Okay, now we're edging on a sharp complaint.

- [All] Ooh!

- Now we're edging.

- I swear to God, I'll tell my commander.

- Oh, Major Tom?

- What's your branch motto there, tough guy?

- To infinity and beyond.

- Do you use a Vulcan death grip on the trainees?

- Or maybe the Darth Vader force choke?

- What the fuck are those wings?

Are you a paratrooper or a Starship Trooper?

- Actually, we're called Guardians.

(everyone laughs)

- So you're the real guardians of the galaxy, huh?

- Hey, who's more fun to work with,

the raccoon or the baby tree?

- What were you before you hit the trail?

A fucken space shuttle door gunner?

- Nah, look at this high speed.

Mobile infantry, for sure.

- Rico!

(everyone laughs)

- Oh fuck, I think he's broken.

- They must have repressurized him too fast.

- Holy shit!

Get a load of this guy.

Were you a good boy at Space Camp?

- Come on, Coastie, this is harassment training.

- You come in here on this day of all days

during anti-harassment training

and immediately began harassing this poor son of a bitch

who's just trying to serve his country.

- His universe.

- His galaxy.

- He signed up, not just for the stars on the flag,

but for the stars above.

- When did everybody get so sensitive?

- [All] Get the fuck out!

- Yeah, you glorified TSA agent.

(everyone laughs)

- [Instructor] Fucken lifeguard, go back to Florida.

Nobody cares.

- Anybody want Starbursts?

(military drumming)

(military drumming continues)

Present, Arms (writing scratches)

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