Original subtitles

(flames whoosh)

(upbeat rock music)

? 10, 9, 8, 6 ?

? Five, four, three, two, one ?

- [Narrator] Cream Recruit.

- Cream recruit. - Aye, sir.

- Get over here. - Aye, sir.

- Zero. - Aye, sir.

- Bitch, that means you sprint.

- Aye, sir.

- Faster. - Aye, sir.

- Start screaming now. - - Aye, sir.

- What kind of name is fucking Ovens?

Your parents were a part of a bakery or what?

- No sir.

- Scream it. - Aye, sir.

- You're called over for a reason, bitch.

- Aye, sir. - Cream me, bitch.

- Creaming, aye, sir.

- Faster. - Aye, sir.

(cream gushes)

(celestial music)

- Secure that shit. - Secure cream, aye, sir.

- Bitch, I heard you want to talk to the chaplain?

- Yes sir.

Are you trying to use your fucking love for God

to get away from the drill instructors?

- No sir, this recruit loves the Lord, sir.

- You know what, but there's a problem.

- All right, sir.

- Daddy's not here.

- Daddy's not here. - Aye, sir.

- Scream. - Aye, sir.

- But guess what, bitch?

- Since we care so much about your mental health,

we brought the chaplain to you.

- Aye, sir.

- Bitch, he's in there. - Aye, sir.

- Let's go. - Let's go.

- Aye, sir. - Get in there, bitch.

- Aye, sir.

- Stay right there. - Aye, sir.

- Take your fucking cover off, goddammit.

- Aye, sir.

(mid tempo music)

- Good afternoon, sir, recruit Ovens is here to see you.

- Well thank you, drill instructor, I'll take it from here.

- Alright sir.

We're waiting, bitch.

- Well hello recruit.

(chuckles) Relax son.

Everything's gonna be fine.

I'm Chaplain Burke, your chaplain,

but in here you can call me Chaps.

(hand thumps)

- Nice to meet you, sir.

- There's no need to call me sir.

- This recruit, I, am a little nervous

with the drill instructors outside the door.

- Don't worry, they can't hear us in here.

I promise.

- Okay.

Should I start?

- Please.

- It's been a long time since my last confession

and I've committed a lot of sins.

- Well, the more heinous the sin,

the more powerful the forgiveness.

- Right.

So I, I like to hide the hard boiled eggs

from our box lunches and put it in my spare canteen.

- Go on.

- I like to mix the eggs with mustard,

mayonnaise, and the salt packets.

Shake it up when I need a snack.

- Dog, I knew there was something weird about that bitch.

- I just figured he was an ASVAB waiver.

- Well, that's unconventional and probably unhealthy,

(chuckles) but it's not a sin.

Anything else?

- You know, when the drill instructors

make us go three to a pisser?

I like to sit down and face forward.

How would you make that work?

Well, I sit down and

(sighs) there's, there's...

Look, besides chow, this is the only other time

that I get to sit and relax.

- Do you?

Do you, (clears throat), ever experience lust?

- What? Oh God. No. No, no, no, no, no.

- Good, (laughs) good, good.

It's unusual, but it's not a sin.

- Dog, this hog's onto something.

We should just put all the fuck ups three to a pisser.

- And stare at dicks.

- Exactly.

- This one definitely crosses a line.

When I go to the duty hut for house mouse duties,

I like to sneak a pinch of Sergeant Powers' dip.

- Ah, thou shalt not steal.

- Yeah, but the buzz is so good.

The only problem is,

is that it makes me have to shit like crazy.

I shit on the floor, I shit in the shower.

I even shit in the sand pit one time.

- That's the phantom shitter.

- The phantom shitter.

Now, for your penance-

- Wait, there's one more thing.

Sergeant Toole made me his cream recruit.

- Cream recruit?

- I fucking told you

that cream recruit shit's gonna be fucking weird.

How the fuck we gonna explain that shit?

- I have sensitive skin.

- (sighs) Fuck, bro.

- I carry a sunscreen for him.

Part of my house mouse duties.

- Oh, that's okay.

Well, the cream ran out three weeks ago and...

- And?

- And I wasn't gonna spend my own money.

I wasn't gonna get IT'd again for asking for more.

So I've had to make my own concoction.

- Okay.

- I tried using water at first,

but it was too liquidy and he would've noticed.

I tried using soap, but it was pink.

I've had to use my own personal cream.

- Oh.

- Is he saying what I think he's saying?

- Are you saying that you shook hands

with the one eyed serpent

and then you gave your collection to your superior?

- Yes, Chaps and Sergeant Toole

has been rubbing that cream all over his skin,

like really rubbing it in.

(drill instructor laughs)

- I'm gonna kill this bitch. (screams)

- Yuuuuut.

What a peculiar solution to a difficult problem that you,

you were clearly faced with.

- Thank you, Chaps.

- Yeah, let's just keep it sir. Okay.

Now, about your penance.

Every time you get this urge again,

I want you to start reciting the Lord's Prayer.

Then just keep reciting until that urge goes away.

- But Chaps, I'd be praying all day.

- Welcome to my life.

(celestial music)

Thank you, Chaps.

This has given me some clarity.

I should do this more often.

(Sergeant Toole screams)

(upbeat music) (recruit thumps)

- Empty that bitch's pockets. (laughs)

(both screaming) (recruit shouts)

Scream. Scream.

(Recruit Ovens cries)

- [Drill Instructor] Present Arms.

(text squeaks)

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