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1
00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:03,187
(flames whoosh)
2
00:00:16,027 --> 00:00:16,860
(upbeat rock music)
3
00:00:16,860 --> 00:00:18,649
? 10, 9, 8, 6 ?
4
00:00:18,649 --> 00:00:22,482
? Five, four, three, two, one ?
5
00:00:25,148 --> 00:00:27,398
- [Narrator] Cream Recruit.
6
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- Cream recruit.
- Aye, sir.
7
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:31,980
- Get over here.
- Aye, sir.
8
00:00:31,980 --> 00:00:33,690
- Zero.
- Aye, sir.
9
00:00:33,690 --> 00:00:34,950
- Bitch, that means you sprint.
10
00:00:34,950 --> 00:00:35,783
- Aye, sir.
11
00:00:35,783 --> 00:00:37,411
- Faster.
- Aye, sir.
12
00:00:37,411 --> 00:00:39,969
- Start screaming now.
- - Aye, sir.
13
00:00:39,969 --> 00:00:42,570
- What kind of name is fucking Ovens?
14
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Your parents were a part
of a bakery or what?
15
00:00:44,340 --> 00:00:45,330
- No sir.
16
00:00:45,330 --> 00:00:46,740
- Scream it.
- Aye, sir.
17
00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:48,570
- You're called over for a reason, bitch.
18
00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:50,430
- Aye, sir.
- Cream me, bitch.
19
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- Creaming, aye, sir.
20
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- Faster.
- Aye, sir.
21
00:00:55,076 --> 00:00:56,679
(cream gushes)
22
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(celestial music)
23
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,157
- Secure that shit.
- Secure cream, aye, sir.
24
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:12,690
- Bitch, I heard you want
to talk to the chaplain?
25
00:01:12,690 --> 00:01:14,100
- Yes sir.
26
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:16,560
Are you trying to use
your fucking love for God
27
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,750
to get away from the drill instructors?
28
00:01:18,750 --> 00:01:21,120
- No sir, this recruit
loves the Lord, sir.
29
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,760
- You know what, but there's a problem.
30
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:24,690
- All right, sir.
31
00:01:24,690 --> 00:01:26,215
- Daddy's not here.
32
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- Daddy's not here.
- Aye, sir.
33
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- Scream.
- Aye, sir.
34
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:33,930
- But guess what, bitch?
35
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- Since we care so much
about your mental health,
36
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:39,390
we brought the chaplain to you.
37
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- Aye, sir.
38
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- Bitch, he's in there.
- Aye, sir.
39
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- Let's go.
- Let's go.
40
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- Aye, sir.
- Get in there, bitch.
41
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- Aye, sir.
42
00:01:47,296 --> 00:01:48,180
- Stay right there.
- Aye, sir.
43
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- Take your fucking cover off, goddammit.
44
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- Aye, sir.
45
00:01:50,975 --> 00:01:52,770
(mid tempo music)
46
00:01:52,770 --> 00:01:55,080
- Good afternoon, sir, recruit
Ovens is here to see you.
47
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,440
- Well thank you, drill
instructor, I'll take it from here.
48
00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,273
- Alright sir.
49
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:02,610
We're waiting, bitch.
50
00:02:05,413 --> 00:02:07,023
- Well hello recruit.
51
00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:15,510
(chuckles) Relax son.
52
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Everything's gonna be fine.
53
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,530
I'm Chaplain Burke, your chaplain,
54
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but in here you can call me Chaps.
55
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(hand thumps)
56
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- Nice to meet you, sir.
57
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,743
- There's no need to call me sir.
58
00:02:33,180 --> 00:02:38,179
- This recruit, I, am a little nervous
59
00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:39,990
with the drill instructors
outside the door.
60
00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:42,090
- Don't worry, they can't hear us in here.
61
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I promise.
62
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- Okay.
63
00:02:46,110 --> 00:02:48,000
Should I start?
64
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- Please.
65
00:02:54,270 --> 00:02:57,160
- It's been a long time
since my last confession
66
00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,520
and I've committed a lot of sins.
67
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,560
- Well, the more heinous the sin,
68
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,680
the more powerful the forgiveness.
69
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:05,513
- Right.
70
00:03:07,410 --> 00:03:11,550
So I, I like to hide the hard boiled eggs
71
00:03:11,550 --> 00:03:14,883
from our box lunches and
put it in my spare canteen.
72
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,480
- Go on.
73
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,880
- I like to mix the eggs with mustard,
74
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mayonnaise, and the salt packets.
75
00:03:23,910 --> 00:03:25,680
Shake it up when I need a snack.
76
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,780
- Dog, I knew there was
something weird about that bitch.
77
00:03:27,780 --> 00:03:29,520
- I just figured he was an ASVAB waiver.
78
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:34,520
- Well, that's unconventional
and probably unhealthy,
79
00:03:34,891 --> 00:03:36,391
(chuckles) but it's not a sin.
80
00:03:38,580 --> 00:03:39,573
Anything else?
81
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,460
- You know, when the drill instructors
82
00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:42,910
make us go three to a pisser?
83
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:47,313
I like to sit down and face forward.
84
00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:52,800
How would you make that work?
85
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,270
Well, I sit down and
86
00:03:56,650 --> 00:03:58,000
(sighs) there's, there's...
87
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:05,010
Look, besides chow, this
is the only other time
88
00:04:05,010 --> 00:04:08,896
that I get to sit and relax.
89
00:04:08,896 --> 00:04:10,827
- Do you?
90
00:04:10,827 --> 00:04:15,827
Do you, (clears throat),
ever experience lust?
91
00:04:16,530 --> 00:04:19,380
- What? Oh God. No. No, no, no, no, no.
92
00:04:19,380 --> 00:04:20,780
- Good, (laughs) good, good.
93
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:23,730
It's unusual, but it's not a sin.
94
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:26,430
- Dog, this hog's onto something.
95
00:04:26,430 --> 00:04:28,830
We should just put all the
fuck ups three to a pisser.
96
00:04:28,830 --> 00:04:29,880
- And stare at dicks.
97
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,070
- Exactly.
98
00:04:32,070 --> 00:04:34,470
- This one definitely crosses a line.
99
00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:37,260
When I go to the duty hut
for house mouse duties,
100
00:04:37,260 --> 00:04:41,793
I like to sneak a pinch
of Sergeant Powers' dip.
101
00:04:41,793 --> 00:04:44,400
- Ah, thou shalt not steal.
102
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,800
- Yeah, but the buzz is so good.
103
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:47,910
The only problem is,
104
00:04:47,910 --> 00:04:50,790
is that it makes me
have to shit like crazy.
105
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:54,150
I shit on the floor, I shit in the shower.
106
00:04:54,150 --> 00:04:55,980
I even shit in the sand pit one time.
107
00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:58,245
- That's the phantom shitter.
108
00:04:58,245 --> 00:05:00,660
- The phantom shitter.
109
00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:03,360
Now, for your penance-
110
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,823
- Wait, there's one more thing.
111
00:05:07,830 --> 00:05:12,123
Sergeant Toole made me his cream recruit.
112
00:05:14,460 --> 00:05:15,990
- Cream recruit?
113
00:05:15,990 --> 00:05:16,980
- I fucking told you
114
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:19,140
that cream recruit shit's
gonna be fucking weird.
115
00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:21,270
How the fuck we gonna explain that shit?
116
00:05:21,270 --> 00:05:22,683
- I have sensitive skin.
117
00:05:23,934 --> 00:05:25,233
- (sighs) Fuck, bro.
118
00:05:26,229 --> 00:05:28,050
- I carry a sunscreen for him.
119
00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:30,837
Part of my house mouse duties.
120
00:05:30,837 --> 00:05:33,750
- Oh, that's okay.
121
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,890
Well, the cream ran out
three weeks ago and...
122
00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:39,573
- And?
123
00:05:40,410 --> 00:05:42,780
- And I wasn't gonna spend my own money.
124
00:05:42,780 --> 00:05:46,380
I wasn't gonna get IT'd
again for asking for more.
125
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:49,533
So I've had to make my own concoction.
126
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:51,953
- Okay.
127
00:05:52,860 --> 00:05:54,720
- I tried using water at first,
128
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,153
but it was too liquidy
and he would've noticed.
129
00:05:58,470 --> 00:06:01,683
I tried using soap, but it was pink.
130
00:06:02,940 --> 00:06:05,163
I've had to use my own personal cream.
131
00:06:10,140 --> 00:06:10,973
- Oh.
132
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,240
- Is he saying what I think he's saying?
133
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:19,290
- Are you saying that you shook hands
134
00:06:19,290 --> 00:06:21,420
with the one eyed serpent
135
00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:26,420
and then you gave your
collection to your superior?
136
00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:29,880
- Yes, Chaps and Sergeant Toole
137
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:32,280
has been rubbing that
cream all over his skin,
138
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:33,818
like really rubbing it in.
139
00:06:33,818 --> 00:06:36,030
(drill instructor laughs)
140
00:06:36,030 --> 00:06:39,073
- I'm gonna kill this bitch. (screams)
141
00:06:40,797 --> 00:06:41,630
- Yuuuuut.
142
00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:46,353
What a peculiar solution to
a difficult problem that you,
143
00:06:47,550 --> 00:06:49,233
you were clearly faced with.
144
00:06:50,940 --> 00:06:52,290
- Thank you, Chaps.
145
00:06:52,290 --> 00:06:55,350
- Yeah, let's just keep it sir. Okay.
146
00:06:55,350 --> 00:06:57,363
Now, about your penance.
147
00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:01,170
Every time you get this urge again,
148
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:04,020
I want you to start
reciting the Lord's Prayer.
149
00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:07,140
Then just keep reciting
until that urge goes away.
150
00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:09,543
- But Chaps, I'd be praying all day.
151
00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:12,831
- Welcome to my life.
152
00:07:12,831 --> 00:07:15,664
(celestial music)
153
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:20,433
Thank you, Chaps.
154
00:07:21,540 --> 00:07:24,933
This has given me some clarity.
155
00:07:25,770 --> 00:07:27,170
I should do this more often.
156
00:07:32,292 --> 00:07:33,684
(Sergeant Toole screams)
157
00:07:33,684 --> 00:07:35,040
(upbeat music)
(recruit thumps)
158
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,717
- Empty that bitch's pockets. (laughs)
159
00:07:39,474 --> 00:07:42,613
(both screaming)
(recruit shouts)
160
00:07:42,613 --> 00:07:43,696
Scream. Scream.
161
00:07:44,822 --> 00:07:47,989
(Recruit Ovens cries)
162
00:08:15,219 --> 00:08:17,538
- [Drill Instructor] Present Arms.
163
00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:19,144
(text squeaks)
164
00:08:19,194 --> 00:08:23,744
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