Original subtitles

(Chuckles) I can't believe we're in Napa.

(Voice breaks) I'm sorry. (Chuckles)

It's just...

Well, I feel like I'm meeting God. (Sighs)

Okay, guys. We've got one day to plan this wedding.

Can you whip up a cake?

On it.

I want to make an exact cake replica

of the cul-de-sac,

because that's where your romance started,

so I want to make little cake houses

and cotton candy bushes,

but there is one thing that I will not bend on.

The asphalt is actually going to have to be asphalt.

There are some things that you can't fake

in the cake world.

True.

Now do you think, for one day,

you could actually stay out of trouble?

Oh, come on, J-Bird. We're not raccoons.

Then why are you in that wine barrel?

I'm gonna roll him down the hill.

Hey, dime eyes. Thank you for letting us elope with you.

Well, that's how I like to do my elopements--

Seven people deep.

- Eight. - What?

Hey, June Bug.

Dad!

- Dad. - Sweetie.

(Andy) Hey, hey.

Whoa! (Thuds)

This... isn't... as... Fun... as... I... thought!

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! (lnhales sharply)

My socks suck as pot holders.

Still, it's nice of the hotel to let you use their kitchen

to bake the wedding cake.

(Lowered voice) I may or may not have told them

that I'm the new pastry chef.

Just be cool.

(Normal voice) By the Wayans Brothers,

I cannot believe that tomorrow is your 21st birthday.

Well, so far, every one of my big birthdays has sucked.

16-- I had the chicken pox.

18-- My mom took me

to see Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince.

Oh, Travis. That's so sad. (Chuckles)

No, that part was awesome,

but on the way out of the theater,

some 10-year-old poked me in the eye with his wand.

I mean, why do they give those things out?

It's so dangerous.

You know, Wade was supposed to be

my date to your mom's wedding

when it was gonna be in four months,

but now I'm solo.

What do you say we have, like, a Trav-Laurie

wedding date/21st birthday blowout?

Deal.

Hey, Magnum.

You want to come over here and let me stomp on your grapes?

You want to stomp on my boys?

(Chuckles) It's just really hard to think of sexy wine talk.

Yeah, well, then why even try?

Why are you so mopey?

When I said I wanted to elope, just us,

I meant just us.

I know. We did it, baby!

Okay, I meant just us two.

One, two.

Honey, I thought you meant

you just didn't want a big wedding,

not that you didn't want the gang here.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

Hey, what if we all stay here for a few days

and have fun, but then they all fly home

and we stay and get married by ourselves?

Let me get this straight.

If I make the empty gesture of asking them to go,

when they say no, you'll still be happy?

Yeah.

(Chuckles) This is the best fight ever.

(Both chuckle)

(Singsongy) Ding-dong! (Normal voice) It's midnight!

Let's go.

(Whispers) Okay.

What's going on?

You four, grab him.

What's happening? Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

What-- What's going on? I don't like this.

Why is nobody saying anything?

Somebody tell me what's happening!

(All) ♪ happy birthday to you ♪

(Inhales deeply)

(Blows air)

(Cheering)

You know, I gotta say, I've, uh, tried wine before,

and... not a big fan.

(Glass shatters)

Maybe I can learn to like it.

(Cheering)

Of course I can get a little room

for your friend's reception.

(Chuckles) Ohh.

Look, Ellie...

Can I call you "Ellie"?

"Ellie" is good.

(Chuckles) Ellie...

(Chuckles) I can get you anything you want...

So if you want a group

of shaved Brazilian gigolos up in your room...

(Inhales deeply and sighs) I will pick them up myself.

I'll bring my razor. I'll shave 'em down.

(Sighs)

Wow. You have the most amazing eyes.

Thanks. (Chuckles) (Chuckles)

- That was inappropriate. I'm sorry. - No.

(Chuckles)

(Exhales deeply)

Hey. Why are you all flushed?

Don't block my view.

(Chuckles)

Hi.

Oh, yeah. That guy wants you.

I hope so.

Wait. What's happening?

Hey, dad.

I need to ask you something.

Sure, June Bug.

Wasn't that glass just empty?

When I got here, I gave the bellhop $20

to fill it up whenever it was empty.

Watch. (Wine splatters)

(Chuckles)

Like father, like daughter.

(Clatters)

(Laughs)

I want to show you how to do something online.

No computers. I don't trust anything without a soul.

That's why I don't do business with German people.

I want you to go online and get ordained as a minister.

Dad, I want you to marry us.

(Chuckles) Oh. I just love you so much... (Chuckles) Ohh.

And-- and I'm so honored that you want me to b-be--

Oh, no, no. No crying. (Chuckles)

See, this is gonna be hard for you,

but you can't cry when you marry us,

because if you cry, then I'm gonna start crying,

and I'll be wearing eye makeup,

and I can't get married looking like Alice Cooper.

(Voice breaks) And I'm gonna be marrying off my baby. (Sobs)

(Crying) I know. See? Now I'm coopering.

Is this what you want?

No.

Arturo, go grab me some vanilla.

Damn, girl. You got these people in check.

Arturo and I bonded because we're both really pissed

that management won't let us wear flip-flops in the kitchen.

(Chuckles) This is awesome,

and the, uh, the cake is gonna look great.

You think?

'Cause I'm not great at wedding cakes.

Don't be modest, Laurie.

You're the best fake pastry chef this hotel's ever had.

(Chuckles) Aw. Thank you. Here. Try this.

(Gasps) Oh, no. What am I doing?

- Mnh-Mnh. (Chuckles) - What?

How do we always end up flirting with each other?

We're not flirting. This is not how I flirt.

I'm much more...

- Subtle when I flirt. - Oh, really?

Yeah, I follow girls to classes, memorize their schedules

so I can show up right when they get there.

(Chuckles)

Good God. I'm a stalker.

(Chuckles) I'm not... Trying to flirt with you.

It just...

(Whispers) I don't know. It could happen.

Well, maybe it's fate.

I mean, we're here...

At a wedding...

On my 21st birthday, just you and me...

And Arturo.

(Laughs)

Your boyfriend couldn't make it.

My girlfriend, uh, doesn't exist.

(Laughs)

What if this is exactly how it's supposed to happen?

Laurie.

Wade.

You guys ready for another four bottles?

Fat chance. (Chuckles)

Whoa. Wait. We're finished?

No, I want more. That's why I said, "fat chance." (Chuckles)

If I didn't want more wine, I would have said,

"slim chance." (Chuckles) Okay.

But, uh, "fat chance" and "slim chance"

mean the same thing.

That's ridiculous. (Chuckles)

"Fat" and "slim" are opposite.

Okay, can we all agree that from now on,

"fat chance" means definitely?

Change approved.

You can't just change the meaning of phrases.

I just did. Okay, I know what's gonna cheer you up.

Grayson thought that it was just gonna be

the two of us eloping.

(Chuckles) Even though

I know your answer...

How would you feel if we all hung out

for a few days, and then you guys left

and Grayson and I could get married alone? (Chuckles)

- Love it. - Yeah.

That's fantastic.

That's just what Grayson wanted...

Even though our pictures will have no one in them,

and, uh, my memories will feel empty.

Jules, we're just messin' with ya.

- Why? - Look, I know marrying you

means marrying everyone,

so...

Will you marry me?

Before anyone answers...

Council.

(Clears throat)

(Jules, Andy, Ellie, and Bobby whisper indistinctly)

Oh, okay.

(Chuckles) All righty.

(Chuckles) Just a couple of conditions.

Andy and Bobby want you to finance their short film.

It's called "bro-mancing the stone."

Also, in Jules' kitchen, you are never allowed

to sit in my chair, even if I'm not there.

Yes... To everyone but Ellie.

Where are we all going on our honeymoon? (Chuckles)

- Yeah! (Laughing) - No. That's not--

(Chuckles) - I love you. Just kidding. - Not-- Not funny.

Oh, I never thought I'd get my dream wedding.

Honey, you've been so great to me.

I wish there was something special

I could do for you.

Maybe on our wedding night, we can finally have robe sex.

Why does that turn you on so much?

Because it's like we're monks doing something forbidden.

(Monotone voice, chants) I will sex...

(Deep voice) You.

There's gotta be something I can do to make it more special.

I wish my daughter could be here to see us get married.

I can make that happen.

Sure, Jules. Yeah.

It's totally fine with me for Tampa Jill to fly to Napa,

but, uh, thanks to a super soaker...

(Chuckles) Full of margaritas

and an air marshal with, like, zero sense of humor,

I am currently on the no-fly list.

All right. Minor skank setback. (Cell phone beeps)

But I'll still make this happen.

(Chuckles) I can't believe that we're

finally together face-to-face.

You know why you're so amazeballs?

Why?

You're so... naked,

and I don't mean, like, naked naked.

You're just so emotionally honest.

I mean, but don't get me wrong.

The naked naked stuff was real good, too.

(Laughs)

It was like you hadn't had sex in ten years,

and, you know, I've been with some ex-cons...

(Chuckles) So I know.

Yeah. We were actually pretty loud last night.

I mean, I feel really bad for whoever was

in the room next to us.

Oh, my God. (Laughs) I don't know.

(Sighs) That would be me.

Good old room 207.

I'm sorry. I know what it's like

to be sure someone's meant for you,

and yet you can't be with them.

Hi. (Chuckles)

How does that wedding ring feel?

Like handcuffs.

(Dishes clink)

Thank you.

Oh. Sorry. (Grunts)

What's wrong, Chick?

I keep practicing for June Bug's ceremony,

and I can't get two sentences deep

without squirting out tears.

Can you fellas help?

Fat chance.

Thank you, son.

(Sighs)

What just happened?

Ah. We all got beer guys.

Get in the game, man. Okay, Chick.

We just need to figure out what'll keep you from crying.

Well, I'd never cry in front of my horse.

Once you do that, they own you.

You know how I keep from crying?

I have two little secrets-- My nuts.

Peace out, sir.

Look, if you lock on another man's eyes,

there's no way you're gonna cry.

Watch.

Love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

(Voice breaking) Love is what brings two people together.

Andy, you try.

(Voice breaks) I know I can't do it.

Tom, please say you're on the plane.

Sorry, Jules.

They won't let me fly with a baby that's not mine.

Let's see. Bend over.

Oh. All right. All right. There.

There you go. Hold on.

Stand up. Stand up. All right.

(Imitates siren whoops)

Cleavage alert! (Laughs)

Stop staring. These aren't for you.

I need the concierge to break some laws

to get Grayson's kid here,

and since he's obviously got a thing for your wife...

(Chuckles) I'm gonna use Ellie to close the deal.

I like this lipstick color, but... (Sighs)

Do you think it's wet enough for him?

- Mm. Lick your lips. - Huh? Huh?

Uh-huh.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Do you think I want to go do this with Daniel?

His name is Daniel. (Gasps)

(Whispers) I love that name.

(Chuckles) Oh. "Daniel." Really?

Damn it, Andy, I need this, so if Ellie has to get dolled up

or flirt or make out a little, what's the big deal?

Make out? We don't make out!

Feels like you don't want Jules to be happy.

That's not cool, man.

(Whispers) Not cool.

You're not wearing underwear! Come on! (Door opens and closes)

So you want me to kidnap a baby?

- Yes. - No.

No.

What we want you to do is to sneak a baby...

(Lowered voice) That isn't mine...

(Chuckles, normal voice) Onto a plane.

It's-- it's more like kid borrowing. (Chuckles)

Well, I could get my hands on a really great local baby.

(Whispers) Oh. No.

Imported baby it is. I'm on it.

Listen, Daniel, you get us what we need,

and we will get you exactly what you need.

Okay. (Sighs)

(Whispers) Stop it.

(Lowered voice) I don't want to stop it.

Tommy... (Lowered voice) I need another one.

I'm sorry, ladies. I tried.

Write to me.

Uh, Grayson, I'm so sorry.

I-I can't get Tampa Jill here for the wedding.

Thanks for trying. (Sighs)

Oh. Wow. Wade's here. (Gasps) Is the war over?

No, sweetie.

No, I pulled some strings.

I, uh, knew your wedding wouldn't be as special

for Laurie unless I was here to share it with her.

That is so sweet.

(Mouths word)

(Sighs) I can't do this.

- What? - We have a wedding planned

in a few months.

Your daughter could be there.

Guys.

Yeah.

The wedding's off.

(Laurie and Andy) What?

Good. I never liked him.

Still marrying him, dad. Just a little bit later.

- Laurie! - Oh!

(Slurred voice) You said you wanted naked!

(Bobby, Wade, Andy and Chick laugh)

(Ellie) Hey. Hey, hey!

Harvey Keitel. Over here. That's right.

Laurie... (Sighs) I'm so... crazy about you,

but you just keep ignoring it like it's not real.

Mom, guess what?

(Lowered voice) I like wine now. (High-pitched voice) Happy?

Mixed feelings.

I know postponing the wedding has been tough on you,

but thanks for looking out for me.

Always.

Mwah.

Man, I wish I had a fiancée. (Grunts)

See you, cheese pot.

So, J-Bird, how are you holding up

with last night's non-nuptials?

I guess I am a little disappointed

because last night was supposed to be my honeymoon,

but instead we spent the night taking care of this dummy.

Oh, I can't believe our boy is 21. (Sighs)

(Whispers) I know.

(Normal voice) He does look so old now,

but it might just be that mustache I drew on him.

(Laughs) That is classic. We gotta get to the airport.

(Grunts)

(Sniffles)

(Groggy voice) How did I get here?

Mostly luggage carts.

(Chuckles) This is the best part.

This is when he remembers what he did.

Ohh! No.

Yay!

This is so embarrassing.

I'm gonna have to hide from Laurie forever.

(Bobby) No, it's okay, t-man. (Sighs)

Every great love story starts out

with a man embarrassing the crap out of himself.

Your father's correct.

Right, babe?

Sorry. I was texting Daniel.

Jules, honestly, is this cheating?

(Whispers) Let me see. (Laughs) (Laughs)

(Normal voice) Wow. Yes.

(Laughs)

This is not okay.

Trav, these big, mortifying moments... (Mouths words)

They make an impression. Trust me, okay?

You're gonna find yourself someplace,

and she won't be able to stop looking at you.

Jules did it to me. Remember when, um, we first met

and you flashed that paperboy

and then he crashed his bike into this car? (Chuckles)

After that, I could not stop thinking about her.

(Crying)

No. You're coopering. Why is she coopering?

(Voice breaking) Why does talking about us

falling in love make me so sad?

(Clicks tongue) Aw. Come here.

(Sniffles)

Well, before Napa,

I was really excited about our big wedding.

I had invited everyone I know, even my pool guy...

- Ernie? - I have no idea.

But then we decided to elope,

and I-I felt like I was having a stroke,

you know, one of those happy strokes.

There are no such thing as happy strokes.

Well, then what did kirk Douglas have?

A stroke.

Anyway, I'm not even looking forward

to the big wedding anymore. (Sighs)

Okay, this big wedding,

the-- the one that the pool guy is going to--

Am I invited?

- That's awkward. (Chuckles) - Very, very awkward.

I'm sorry. I'm-- I'm just a little edgy.

I was up all night... (Sighs) Watching videos

that my dead husband made of his former lovers.

Here's something fun.

There were a few dudes in there. (Chuckles)

- That's a tough one. Yeah. - That's rough.

(Chuckles) - Wow. - Whew. (Chuckles)

Look, I think the reason why you guys were so excited

about eloping is that both of you have a tendency

to sort of be set in your ways.

I think that's why it's important

that you guys are spontaneous, you know?

That'll add excitement to your life.

If you do that, I promise, this marriage can work.

A handwritten wedding invitation?

(Gasps) I would love to. (Chuckles)

Do you promise to do what Lynn said--

To always be spontaneous?

Of course.

Wow. It is so pretty here.

It sucks that this stupid town won't allow beach weddings.

You sure you still want to do this?

Hell, yeah.

All clear.

(Lowered voice) Go, go, go, go, go!

♪ But I can't find the words I want ♪

♪ oh, I can't ♪

Dad, it's time!

♪ I want ♪

Okay. Oh.

(Blusters)

(Chuckles)

♪ If you are gone in another life ♪

That's it, baby. You wait right there.

Hit it, dad.

To me, love is the most powerful thing

in the universe.

Love is what brings two people together.

♪ Oh, I'm afraid ♪

(Mouths words)

(Mouths words)

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ somebody found me here ♪

♪ ah, ah, ah ♪

Life is not worth living

unless you find someone to share it with.

Cops! About 100 yards back.

Okay. You all know the drill.

Let's take this on the move.

♪ If you're gonna cry my tears ♪

Uh, can we get the rings, please?

Stan!

(Screaming)

(Jules chuckles)

Aah! (Chuckles)

Back to the nanny, Stan!

Do you, Grayson, take my daughter Jules

to be your wife and to take care of

or I'll kick your ass?

I do.

♪ Lost and found ♪

June Bug, you've never looked more beautiful.

You really want this fella to be your husband, don't ya?

I really do, dad.

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

(Sighs)

Use your horse, Chick.

♪ Oh, oh, ah, ah, ah ♪

(Nickers) ♪ somebody found me here ♪

Then I now pronounce you man and wife.

Now let's all just stop walking...

♪ Somebody saved me ♪

And watch this young man kiss his bride.

♪ If you're gonna cry my tears ♪

♪ if you're gonna hold my breath ♪

♪ if you're gonna let me see ♪

♪ the sun you set ♪

(Sighs)

All right. What the hell's going on here?

You guys, go! Go!

Come on.

Guys? A little help?

(Indistinct conversations)

♪ Oh, I am lost and found ♪ (Horse whinnies)

I love you so much.

I love you, too, but hold on.

I'm not great at driving these things.

(Grunts) What are you doing, hon?

Daniel's having trouble sleeping.

Will you take a quick pic?

This is seriously not okay.

Andy, the man can't sleep.

He's got a parole hearing at 6:00.

(Camera beeps, shutter clicks)

Well, would you at least CC me on that?

Maybe. I'll ask Daniel if it's okay.

Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com