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HUGH QUARSHIE: Welcome to the Royal Albert Hall

for tonight's Royal Variety Performance.

His Majesty King Charles arrives

and is introduced to its chairman, Giles Cooper OBE,

and some of the stars of tonight's show.

Unfortunately, the Queen was unwell,

and so unable to join His Majesty for this performance.

We hope Her Majesty is now fully recovered.

FANFARE

# God save our gracious King

# Long live our noble King

# God save the King

# Send him victorious

# Happy and glorious

# Long to reign over us

# God save the King. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please welcome your hosts for this evening,

Alan Carr and Amanda Holden.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, wow! Oh, my goodness.

Good evening.

And welcome to the Royal Variety Performance 2024.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh!

Wonderful, thank you.

We should probably stop holding hands now.

People will think you're my carer. Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER Or worse, that we're the winners

of a very disappointing series of Love Island.

Oh, Amanda, you're so not my type on paper.

LAUGHTER Or real life.

LAUGHTER

He liked that. You liked that, didn't you?

LAUGHTER

But, can I say, your dress looks absolutely fabulous.

Thank you, Alan, thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just on the right side of an Ofcom complaint.

That's disappointing. Disappointing.

But once again, Your Majesty, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Royal Variety Performance 2024.

Oh, I know. APPLAUSE

This is so exciting.

And, Amanda, can I say,

I feel a great sense of comfort and security

sharing a stage with you tonight.

Oh, Alan, thank you.

Well, it's a high-profile event,

and if Just Stop Oil come at the stage with their orange powder,

I can use you as a beautiful human shield.

LAUGHTER

Well, good luck to them,

cos I'll be their first victim who ended up less orange.

LAUGHTER

So, what about us being here tonight?

From going round Europe

renovating houses we've bought for a quid

to hosting the Royal Variety Performance.

For a quid. LAUGHTER

Oh, it's good for you, Alan, cos you really needed cheering up,

didn't you, after the disappointment of not getting that role

of Rupert Campbell-Black in Rivals?

LAUGHTER

Don't, it's too soon, too soon.

My agent sent the casting director my photo,

suggesting I'd be perfect for the role of "showjumper"

and most handsome man in England.

Yeah, and the casting director came back and said,

"With Alan's teeth, he'd be perfect to play the horse."

So hurtful.

But anyway, onwards and upwards, I've got a very good feeling

about that other big TV job I'm up for.

Oh, my gosh, yes. I have got everything crossed.

You are gonna be the perfect host for Match Of The Day (!)

Wouldn't I? LAUGHTER

I love crisps. I eat crisps.

Anyway, listen. LAUGHTER

Love a crisp. Love a crisp.

Enough about your career, we need to focus on tonight, Alan.

We are a team. We are.

Though, if I'm honest,

I think the main reason they chose us to host this evening

is because we ticked two big boxes.

I'm gay, and you're... Old?

LAUGHTER Oh, OK.

I was gonna say a woman. Oh.

But now you mention it, you are very old.

I'm not VERY... I'm only five years older than you!

Yeah, but that's the thing. I work in gay years.

LAUGHTER

So that five years is actually 35 years.

LAUGHTER In fact, in our world,

and I'm afraid I've got bad news for you, Amanda,

you've just lost your winter heating allowance.

LAUGHTER

Outrageous, Alan Carr. Outrageous. Sorry.

The thing is, I think we have actually become

one of those TV married couples.

We have.

Though, of course, when we're filming our show abroad,

the locals don't know it's just a TV marriage.

You've got Amanda sashaying into the hotel breakfast buffet

with me mincing along at her side.

And you see them shaking their sad heads,

going, "Poor cow, it's always the wife who's last to know."

LAUGHTER

So, shall we get this show on the road? Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time for the first act of the evening, and a high-speed,

high-energy race on roller skates from the all-new production

of Andrew Lloyd Webber's incredible Starlight Express.

And as a special treat for me and Amanda,

his Lordship has kindly granted us permission

to put on our own roller skates and join in. Hmm.

Yes. I'm not being funny, though, Alan.

Can you actually even roller skate? Can I roller skate?

I'll have you know

I was Margot Robbie's third reserve stunt double for Barbie.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh, this feels like it's turning into an episode of Casualty.

Have some faith. Have some faith.

I'm off now to get into my train costume, see you in a bit.

CASUALTY THEME STARTS

LAUGHTER, MUSIC STOPS

Your Majesty, ladies and gentlemen,

here to showcase their brand-new production

at the Troubadour Wembley Park Theatre,

it is the incredible cast of Starlight Express.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'Overture/Entry of Trains'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Diesel is for unbelievers... #

Whoo!

# Electricity is wrong... # Whoo!

# Steam has got the power That will pull us along

# There's a light At the end of the tunnel

# The inside might be As black as the night

# But there's a light At the end of the tunnel

# There's a light At the end of the tunnel

# The inside might be As black as the night

# But at the end of the tunnel

# There's a light There's a light

# It's the power of James Watt The steaming Scot

# The man who watched the pot

# And said "Hey, I've got a brilliant plot

# "When the steam is hot

# "Seems to make a lot of power"

# If he'd known back then Way back when

# There was hydrogen The gas that's our best friend

# And it still makes steam Choo-choo-choo

# With enough left over for a Whoo-whoo

# Still got steam Coming out of the funnel

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# With this brand-new fuel The world can stay cool

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# The inside might be As black as the night

# But at the end of the tunnel

# There's a light There's a light

# There are dark days ahead Where the power goes dead

# Where the oil runs dry Ooh, what can we try?

# The sun will shine

# On days when it's fine See those windmills go

# But it don't always blow, so

# Soon the pistons will be humming

# Steam will have a second coming Whoo

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# At the end, yeah Sing it, sing it again

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Oh-whoa-whoa

# With this brand-new fuel The world can stay cool

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# Oh, I see that light

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# Goodbye to oil and coal

# Let's rock and roll

# At the end of the tunnel There's a light

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# We see the light

# We see, we see the light

# When that Angel Gabriel Blows his magic toot

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# Oh, I see the light

# We see the light At the end of the tunnel

# We see the distant gleam

# That tells you it's steam

# At the end of the tunnel

# There's a light

# Star

# Light. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

CHEERING Whoo! Whoa!

I wanna say, "I'm like a Virgin... train."

LAUGHTER

What a performance!

And I am delighted to welcome onto the stage

the genius behind the show, Andrew Lloyd Webber.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ANDREW: Hi, guys, well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness, Andrew, welcome. Thank you.

I mean, if I hold your hand now, I'm not gonna let go.

LAUGHTER

You must be so proud of this revival.

40 years since it first opened in London.

It's all about getting kids into the theatre.

And I just want to ask the cast here, how many of you,

is it your first job ever on a West End stage?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What do you think makes this show so timeless, Andrew?

It's just great fun.

It's just a show that is about joy.

Absolutely. It's amazing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, congratulations to this entire cast,

and thank you so much for bringing the show

to the Royal Albert Hall tonight.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've gotta say, I'm a little bit worried about Alan.

He should've been here ages ago.

THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE THEME PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Help me. Help me. Are you all right?

Not really. Are you sort of...?

Erm, goodness me.

You're not Network Rail, are you? No!

LAUGHTER

It's terrifying. How do they do it? It's terrifying.

Have you got leaves on your line?

That's a very personal question.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, I've had a nightmare.

I could have screamed, but I was in the quiet carriage.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, and then to cap it all off,

I ran into unscheduled engineering works

outside the royal box.

Oh, my God.

I was forced to continue my journey as...

..a replacement bus.

LAUGHTER

I don't do buses. Oh!

LAUGHTER

Thank you. Thank you so much.

HUGH QUARSHIE: Still to come, the legendary Sir Elton John,

astounding illusions from Stephen Mulhern,

disco queen Sophie Ellis-Bextor,

and Britain's Got Talent winner Sydnie Christmas.

APPLAUSE

Our next performer spread a lot of joy during the lockdown

with her regular kitchen discos.

Tonight, she's making her Royal Variety debut

on an ever so slightly bigger stage.

And there's not an air fryer in sight.

Singing a disco classic

plus her latest single, Freedom Of The Night,

please welcome Sophie Ellis-Bextor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SONG: 'Murder On The Dancefloor'

# Murder

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not kill the groove

# DJ, gonna burn This goddamn house right down

# Oh, I know, I know, I know I know, I know, I know, I know

# About your kind, yes, I do

# And so, and so, and so, and so And so, and so, and so

# I'll have to play... #

Do the all-together for old times' sake.

# If you think you're getting away I will prove you wrong

# I'll take you all the way Boy, just come along

# Hear me when I say

# Hey

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not kill the groove

# Hey-hey, hey-hey

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not steal the moves

# DJ, gonna burn This goddamn house right down

# Don't think you're getting away I will prove you wrong

# I'll take you all the way Boy, just come along

# Hear me when I say

# Hey

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not Kill the groove... #

Let me see your hands, come on.

# It's murder on The dance floor... #

AUDIENCE CLAPS That's it.

# But you better not steal the moves

# DJ, gonna burn This goddamn house right down

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not kill the groove

# Hey-hey, hey-hey

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not steal the moves

# DJ, gonna burn This goddamn house right down

# Oh, oh... #

SONG: 'Freedom Of The Night'

# Wake up

# Put on your confidence Like make-up

# Step through the mirror As the sun drops

# Kiss the lights goodbye, yeah

# I've heard dreams come true

# Come to the other side

# I can feel energy

# I believe it's healing me

# All I need is sweet release

# In the freedom of the night

# Freedom of the night

# I can feel energy

# I believe it's healing me

# All I need is sweet release

# In the freedom of the night

# Freedom of the night

# Give in to what you want Give in to what you want

# All I need is sweet release

# In the freedom of the night

# Freedom of the night

# When the moon is high I feel this way

# Getting what I need to rise again

# When the moon is high I rise again

GUITAR SOLO

# I can feel energy

# I believe it's healing me

# All I need is sweet release

# In the freedom of the night

# Freedom of the night. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now to welcome an all-round entertainer

and a true master of magic,

Stephen Mulhern!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Wow. Hello!

How are you doing?

When you think some of the greatest performers of all time

have appeared here on the Royal Variety Show,

and now tonight, you've got me.

CHEERING I know.

Do you know what?

My true passion in entertainment has always been magic,

to be able to make people laugh,

and prove the impossible is possible.

For this moment, I need to be a tiny bit serious.

Because I need to show you this.

This here is a detonator.

Now, let me tell you,

when you press this button here, it changes the entire show.

It sets off fireworks.

It changes the lighting. It changes the music.

So we need somebody very responsible to look after this.

Someone trustworthy.

Someone... Someone... Well, it's definitely not you, mate.

LAUGHTER Now, look up here.

Look, lovely. You look beautiful. You look beautiful.

Do you know what? What's your name? Adam.

What is it? Adam.

Adam. Adam, yeah, you're the guy.

Adam, if at any moment

you see in my act something that you think is funny,

I want you to press that red button.

And then the fireworks, the whole thing.

We're gonna turn this show into party time.

Be very careful. Be very responsible.

But now, I did say about making the impossible possible.

That's what we're gonna do right now.

Now, what you're about to see is not a trick, it's an illusion.

And it uses a newspaper.

Now, they do say,

"Never believe everything you read in the newspaper."

But trust me, believe that.

Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER

Now, watch closely.

Remember, everything you see isn't actually happening.

Now, some people think

they can see me tear the newspaper in half.

But I don't.

It is just an illusion.

Some people think they can see me tearing the newspaper into strips.

But they can't.

Because it's just an illusion.

It's not actually happening.

Some people think they can see and hear me

tearing the newspaper into squares.

But they can't.

Because it's just an illusion.

LAUGHTER

And now it's my job as the magician

to put all the pieces back together again.

Watch.

HE BLOWS AIR SHARPLY

And now the newspaper is fully restored.

I thank you.

LAUGHTER

I thank you.

I thank you.

No, it really is, look.

All the pieces. AUDIENCE CHEERS

Piece by piece.

Bit by bit.

How does he do it?

Burn him!

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Why would I do such a small trick here

at the Royal Albert Hall,

in front of millions of people watching at home?

Well, there's a reason I do this trick.

And I don't want to bring the atmosphere down, but...

my granddad, he taught me how to do this trick

when I was just 11 years old.

And sadly...

..my granddad passed away two weeks ago.

LIVELY MUSIC, FIREWORKS EXPLODE

Stop this!

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY, AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That was the wrong time, my friend!

What the hell were you thinking?

This is... Right, I tell you what, mate.

STEPHEN FEIGNS LAUGHTER Yeah, I tell you what.

Come with me. No, ser... Come with me. Get out.

Get out.

I'm not joking. Get out. And stay out.

Right, now, where was I? Alan!

Alan. Do you know what?

I'm not just gonna show you a trick. I'm gonna teach you it.

Ooh. Are you up for that?

Yes, I am.

Right. Come over this side. That's it.

This is the mystery of the vanishing orange juice trick.

Now, you're gonna love it.

OK. Two cups.

Watch.

Lovely, lovely orange.

Alan, hold the cup

like you're saying cheers to the audience.

OK. Cheers. Beautiful.

I, too, am gonna have some lovely, lovely orange.

Now, Alan, I'll do it first, then you do it.

Now place the cup above your head. Yeah?

That's it.

Now you need to do a little dance.

You go one, two, three, four.

Then you go one, two, three, four. Oh.

Then you close your eyes, and you slowly, slowly turn around.

It's gotta be really slow.

And then you face the audience, and you open your eyes.

Then the orange will have vanished. Above your head!

OK, OK, all right. That's it. OK.

Four kicks. That's it, yeah. One, two, three, four.

Four. And gyrate. That's it.

People might think it's Magic Mike.

LAUGHTER

That's it. Beautifully done.

Now you close your eyes. Close your eyes.

And slowly, slowly turn around.

That's it.

Are you sure? That's it. Perfect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, I'll go first.

Watch the cup above your head.

You slowly turn it upside down.

And the orange has gone. CHEERING

I know!

No, I can't. STEPHEN CHUCKLES

Above your head.

No, no, listen, this has got to go back to Matalan.

LAUGHTER

I swear to you, just slowly, and then listen to the audience.

Have faith. Have faith. Have faith.

Oh, no! Keep going. Keep going.

No, no, no, no. Keep going. He's done it!

Come on!

How did you do that?

Do you know what? That was amazing.

It was so good, I think we should do another one.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You've messed with my head. That was weird.

That was like black magic. No, no, no.

That was like witchcraft.

Find yourself a witch.

Where do you want me? What?

Amanda. Yes. It's finale time.

And you are gonna love this.

Is it better than Alan's trick? Oh, yeah. Come around this side.

Oh.

I bet you wish this was you, Alan. LAUGHTER

SONG: 'Nothing Is As It Seems'

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have been one incredible audience.

But just before we go, one last thing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was for you, Dad.

Oh, wow.

HUGH QUARSHIE: Don't miss, making his Royal Variety debut,

James Bay,

a jaw-dropping performance from Cirque du Soleil,

and an incredible medley from Oliver!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's ten years since this award-winning singer

first burst into the charts with his huge single Let It Go,

and he is still riding high.

This year, he won the BRIT Billion Award

in recognition of his 1 billion UK streams,

and he has also been celebrating the success of his latest album,

Changes All The Time.

Here with the hit single Up All Night,

it's the fantastic James Bay.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Started thinking Of me knocking around

# Call me out But don't leave the room

# Cos what I want And what I'm worried about came true

# Hold the mirror a little nearer

# And let me see the way I've been looking at you

# Cos what I want And what I worried about came true

# Let's talk about dreams Let's talk about lies

# Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night

# Let's talk about who Gotta talk about why

# Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night

# All night, up all night

# All night, up all night

# Always had an automatic Kind of panic

# That I can't stop buryin' down

# Talkin' sugars Till I eat myself alive

# I forgot what, what I wanted

# And the sun went down

# I forgot what, what I wanted

# Can I turn this, turn this round?

# Let's talk about dreams Let's talk about lies

# Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night

# What are they talkin' about?

# Let's talk about who Gotta talk about why

# Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night

# All night, up all night

# All night, up all night

# Na-na-na, na-na-na Na-na, na, na, na

# Na-na-na, na-na-na Na-na, na, na, na

# Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na Na, na, na

# Let's talk about dreams Let's talk about lies

# Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night

# Let's talk about who Gotta talk about why

# Let's talk about all the things That keep us up all night. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next act has been described as comedy's best kept secret.

Well, not for much longer.

Admired by many comedians,

he was chosen by both Micky Flanagan

and Rob Brydon to support them on their nationwide tours.

And tonight, I'm delighted to say, he's been chosen to entertain you.

So, please give the warmest of welcomes to Mr Scott Bennett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, good evening, Royal Albert Hall, are we well?

ALL: Yes! Oh, this is absolutely wonderful.

What an honour this is,

and it's a real, real privilege to be here.

And you've managed to achieve what HS2 didn't.

You brought a Northerner into London.

LAUGHTER

Yes, you see, it can be done. This is levelling up live.

It's a genuine pleasure to come and share some of my negative equity

with you tonight.

But my mum is very, very proud of me, obviously.

She said, "You doing the Royal Variety?"

I said, "I am."

She said, "Are you nervous?" I said, "I am, Mum."

She went, "Well, I would be."

And then she said, "But remember, remember, love.

"No-one's there to see you." LAUGHTER

My parents are amazing. They've got a wonderful energy.

Like my dad said to me the other day,

"They've cut the winter fuel allowance."

I said, "All right." He said, "Well, that's it now.

"We're gonna have to take to the streets.

"We're gonna have to riot."

You're 75, Dad.

You've got sciatica.

The other week, you came home from a garden centre

cos it was a bit too busy.

Good luck with the tear gas, Che Guevara.

Can't imagine my dad throwing a petrol bomb.

I really can't. £1.69 a litre. It's not happening.

LAUGHTER

I mean, you can't get pensioners to riot, can you?

What do we want? Can't remember!

LAUGHTER

When do we want it? Not during The Chase.

That is...

The Chase or Tipping Point, we don't leave the house.

LAUGHTER

It's so wonderful to be out. It really is. It's fantastic.

It's nice to be out on someone else's electric.

Just nice to be away

from the smart meter for a bit, isn't it?

I don't like that thing.

I don't know why I let it in my house.

It's not a smart meter. It's an anxiety portal.

It's like being mugged by your own house.

In real time, isn't it?

And you have to just stand and watch it, don't you?

We don't watch Netflix now.

We watch the smart meter. That's our night.

I get the kids around with snacks.

"Come on, children, look.

"Look at the smart meter. Watch your inheritance evaporate.

"Do you want the lights on or a university education?

"Make the decision."

It's a striking situation

when my slow cooker is on a better hourly rate than I am.

That is...

LAUGHTER

Escapism's all we've got. And I've tried that.

I really have. I've really tried, you know, getting to nature.

That's what they say.

Recently, we went on a camping holiday.

Let me tell you something, London.

Those are two words that don't belong in the same sentence.

Because on the second day, I remember, I was laid in the tent,

and I thought, "I've got an house."

LAUGHTER

Took me two days to realise that as well.

I said to my wife, "We've got an house, love.

"Do you know that thing we left with running water

"and sanitation and food in the fridge?"

And I've looked at all that and gone, "No.

"For a holiday...

"..I'm gonna put myself in an emergency."

LAUGHTER

It's madness, innit?

Cos people say, "It's wonderful, you can hear the sounds of nature.

"You can hear birdsong. You can hear rivers."

You can't. Cos all camping is is endless nights

trapped in the middle of an orchestra of angry zips.

LAUGHTER

That's all I heard every single day. It never ends, does it?

You're trying to nod off, just... HE IMITATES A ZIP

It's three in the morning,

pitch black, you're desperate for the toilet.

And you're doing that... IMITATES A ZIP

And that's zip number one.

LAUGHTER Who looked at that and thought,

"Do you know what would improve this, mate? Three more zips.

"All going different directions."

And don't get me started on the people who do it slowly.

The slowly people. Have you heard these people?

They were next to us. Just takes hours to leave the tent.

It's just... IMITATES A SLOW UNZIP

LAUGHTER

CONTINUES

We're all awake, just finish it!

I'll tell you, forget camping,

just book four nights inside your own puffer jacket.

It's the same thing. LAUGHTER

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, we've booked again for next year.

But... LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's been an absolute joy to be here, it really has.

I think it's an absolute privilege.

And my kids have been so buzzing about this.

My eldest daughter, she's 14. She said to me the other day,

she said, "I know what I want to be when I grow up, Daddy."

I was like, "Oh, yeah?"

She says, "I want to be an influencer."

"I know why you're saying that, but let me tell you,

"it's not real, that life, it's all fake, it's all a facade.

"And you do not want your entire self-esteem to be based

"on seeking the validation..."

LAUGHTER

"..and approval of strangers."

Because you'll find yourself at the Royal Albert Hall

doing one of the best gigs of your life.

You've been an absolute delight. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's 40 years since Cirque du Soleil was born,

and since then, they have wowed over 400 million people

around the world.

Here at the Royal Variety,

we've been proud to showcase their extraordinary talents,

and tonight is no exception.

Whilst we await Cirque's return next month to the Royal Albert Hall

with their new show, Corteo,

we're delighted to present a TV exclusive

from their Las Vegas shows.

Flying in especially to appear here tonight,

please, would you put your hands together

for the stars of O and Mystere,

it's the astonishing Cirque du Soleil.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SINGING IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

MUSIC CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

MUSIC CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

MUSIC CONTINUES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HUGH QUARSHIE: Up next,

Britain's Got Talent winner Sydnie Christmas,

and an exclusive medley

from Cameron Mackintosh's new production of Oliver!

APPLAUSE

One of the biggest joys of being a judge on Britain's Got Talent

is watching the huge variety of amazing acts

compete to win a spot on this stage

and perform in front of the royal family.

Over the past 18 years,

I've watched thousands of acts audition,

but nothing quite beats

having your own Golden Buzzer Act go on to win.

Since that night, she's released her debut album,

and she's about to embark on her first ever headline tour.

It is the best feeling in the world

to introduce her onto this stage tonight.

Please, would you give a huge welcome

to the absolutely fantastic Sydnie Christmas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# First things first

# I'ma say all the words Inside my head

# I'm fired up

# And tired of the way That things have been, oh

# Oh-ooh

# The way that things have been, oh Oh-ooh

# Second thing second Don't you tell me

# What you think that I can be I'm the one at the sail

# I'm the master of my sea, oh-ooh

# The master of my sea, oh-ooh Oh-ooh

# I was broken from a young age Taking my sulking to the masses

# Writing my poems for the few That look at me

# Took to me, shook to me Feeling me

# Singing my heartache From the pain

# Taking my message from the veins

# Speaking my lessons from the brain

# Seeing the beauty through the

# Pain

# You made me a You made me a believer, believer

# Pain

# You break me down, you build me up Believer, believer

# Pain

# Oh, let the bullets fly Oh, let them rain

# My life, my love, my drive It came from

# Pain

# You made me a, made me a believer

# Believer

# Last things last, by the grace And the fire and the flames

# You're the face of the future The blood in my veins

# Ooh, the blood in my veins

# Oh-ooh

# I was chokin' in the crowd

# Building my rain up in the cloud Falling like ashes to the ground

# Hoping my feelings They would drown

# But they never did Ever lived, ebbin' and flowin'

# Inhibited, limited Till it broke open

# It rained down It rained down like

# Pain

# You made me a Made me a believer, believer

# Pain

# You break me down, you build me up

# Believer, believer

# Pain

# Oh, let the bullets fly Oh, let them rain

# My life, my love, my drive It came from

# Pain

# You made me a You made me a believer, believer

# Ooh. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's our absolute pleasure now to introduce one

of our most successful musical theatre producers.

Please, give it up for Cameron Mackintosh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, good evening.

Now, Lionel Bart's great musical Oliver!

was the first big British musical to take Broadway by storm,

and became one of the most successful movie musicals ever.

The original cast were completely unknown,

but proved to be an overnight sensation.

And Lionel's incredible score

still has the whole world singing along.

For our new production,

Matthew Bourne and I wanted to return

to Lionel's more intimate original vision.

Please, welcome our fabulous new company

playing at the Gielgud Theatre,

performing some of the wonderful hit songs

from Lionel Bart's musical masterpiece, Oliver!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What you staring at? Ain't you ever seen a toff?

No. No.

Never. I...

Well, that's all right. Don't worry about it.

Oh. Tired?

Yes. I've been walking seven days.

Oh. Are you accommodated?

I don't think so.

Then accommodated you shall be, my young mate.

And I know a 'spectable old gentleman

what'll give you lodgings for nothing.

Who is the 'spectable gentleman, then?

Mr Fagin.

Are you sure Mr Fagin won't mind?

Mind?

MUSIC STARTS

# Consider yourself at home

# Consider yourself... #

One of the family?

Yes!

# I've taken to you...

# So strong... # Ooh!

# It's clear

BOTH: # We're going to get along

# Consider yourself... Well in... #

Oi, oi! You all right?

# Consider yourself Part of the furniture

# There isn't a lot to spare... #

Ooh, lovely.

# Who cares?

# Whatever we got, we share

# Nobody tries to be lah-di-dah Or uppity

# There's a cup of tea for all

# Only it's wise to be handy With a rolling pin

# When the landlord comes to call

# Consider yourself our mate

# We don't wanna have no fuss

# For after some consideration We can state

# Consider yourself Yes!

# One of us

# Consider yourself at home

# We've taken to you so strong

# Consider yourself well in

# There isn't a lot to spare

# If it should chance to be We should see some harder days

# Empty larder days

# Why grouse?

# Always a chance we'll meet Somebody to foot the bill

# Then the drinks Are on the house... #

Let's show 'em how to do it!

# Consider yourself at home

# Consider yourself One of the family

# We've taken to you so strong

# It's clear We're going to get along

# If it should chance to be We should see some harder days

# Empty larder days

# Why grouse?

# Always a chance we'll meet Somebody to foot the bill

# Then the drinks are on the house

# Consider yourself our mate

# We don't want to have no fuss

# For after some consideration We can state

# Consider yourself

# One of us! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, guys, let's go!

That way! Come on.

Fagin?

Wha...? Fagin?

Where's he...?

SHOUTS: Fagin!

FAGIN SHOUTS: What?!

Trying to have a nap down there.

You lot jumpin' around the place, making a racket.

What do you want from me?

I've brought a new friend to see you.

Mr Oliver Twist.

Sir.

I hope we shall have the honour

of your most intimate acquaintance, my dear.

We are very glad to see you, Oliver. Very!

Aren't we, my dears? ALL: Yes, yes!

Oh, now, Oliver, I see you are staring at the pocket handkerchiefs,

my dear.

Quite a few of them, ain't there?

We have just hung 'em out ready for the wash, eh?

ORPHANS AGREEING The linen, boys!

Is this a laundry, then, sir?

CHILDREN LAUGH

The new boy thinks it's a laundry! That's... Yeah, no, very good!

Very good, very good, innit?

There we go. LAUGHTER

Now, I suppose...

a laundry, that'd be a very fine idea indeed,

wouldn't it, my dear?

But, you see, Oliver, our line of business...

pays a little better.

Doesn't it, boys?

ALL AGREEING

Let's show Oliver how to do it!

ALL CLAMOURING Go, go, go!

SONG: 'You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two'

# Why should we break our backs

# Stupidly paying tax

# Better get some untaxed income

# Got to pick a pocket or two

# You've got to Pick a pocket or two, boys... #

Get out of it!

# You've got to Pick a pocket or two

# Why should we all break our backs?

# Better pick a pocket or two... #

Who says crime doesn't pay, Oliver, eh?

# Take a tip from Bill Sikes

# He can whip what he likes

# I recall he started small

# He had to pick a pocket or two

# You've got to Pick a pocket or two, boys... #

Ooh!

# You've got to Pick a pocket or two

# We can be like old Bill Sikes

# If we pick a pocket or two... #

Oliver! OLIVER!

# When I see someone rich

# Both my thumbs start to itch

# Only to find some peace of mind

# I have to pick a pocket or two

# You've got to Pick a pocket or two... #

Boop! # Boy... #

SUSTAINED NOTE

NOTE WAVERS COMICALLY

Oh, get on with it!

I've been having lessons!

# You've got to Pick a pocket or two

# Just to find Some peace of mind... #

Altogether, boys!

# We have to pick a pocket or... #

Ha!

# Just to find some peace of mind We have to pick a pocket or

# Just to find some peace of mind We have to pick a pocket or two. #

ALL: Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

NANCY SHOUTS

Ah, Nancy!

Look sharp, boys. Nancy and Bet are here.

The ladies are here. Ladies? Cor, hark at him!

Oi, we'll have less of that, if you don't mind!

Now, who we got here, then, Fagin? Ah, yes, Nancy.

This is our new lodger that I was telling you all about.

This here is Master Oliver Twist, Esquire.

Ma'am.

Well, if you're gonna do her, do him as well.

Go on, mate. LAUGHTER

Sir. There we go.

LAUGHTER

Sorry. He's ever so rude. He doesn't know yet!

Come on, Nancy, please, my dear, give us a free show, eh?

Dodger? Yeah?

Have you seen the way them quality gentlemen

treats their ladies?

Well, of course I have.

So, how's it go, then, Dodger?

It's all hats off and bowing and all of that.

Don't let your petticoats dangle in the mud, my darling.

And I'll go last.

# I'd do anything

# For you, dear, anything

# For you mean everything

# To me

# I know that I'd go anywhere

# For your smile, anywhere

# For your smile Everywhere I'd see

# Would you climb a hill?

# Anything

# Wear a daffodil? Anything

# Leave me all your will?

# Anything

# Even fight my Bill? # What, fisticuffs?!

# I'd risk everything

# For one kiss, everything

# Yes, I'd do anything Anything?

# Anything for you... #

Oliver, you follow me, all right?

# I'd do anything

# For you, dear, anything... #

That's it.

# For you mean everything to me... #

Beautiful!

# I know that I'd go anywhere

# For your smile, anywhere

# For your smile Everywhere I'd see

# Would you lace my shoe?

# Anything

# Paint your face bright blue? Anything

# Catch a kangaroo? Anything

# Go to Timbuktu?

# And back again... #

ALL CHEER # I'd risk everything for one kiss

# Everything Yes, I'd do anything

# Anything? Anything for you... #

ALL EXCLAIMING, APPLAUDING

# Would you rob a shop? CHILDREN: Anything

# Would you risk the drop?

# Anything

# Though your eyes go pop? Anything

# When you come down, plop

# Hang everything

# We'd risk life and limb

# To keep you in the swim

# Yes, we'd do anything

# Anything?

# Anything for you! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, bedtime, all of you, please.

CHILDREN CLAMOURING

Go on, please! Get this gone. Thank you.

Move, Charlie.

# As long

# As he needs me

# Oh, yes, he does need me

# In spite of what you see

# I'm sure that he needs me

# I miss him so much

# When he is gone

# But when he's near me

# I don't let on

# The way I feel inside

# The love I have to hide

# The hell! I've got my pride

# As long as he needs me

# He doesn't say The things he should

# He acts the way He thinks he should

# But all the same

# I'll play this game

# His way

# As long as life is long

# I'll love him, right or wrong

# And somehow, I'll be strong

# As long as he needs me

# If you are lonely Then you will know

# When someone needs you

# You love them so

# I won't betray his trust

# Though people say I must

# I've got to stay true

# Just

# As long as he

# Needs

# Me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'Consider Yourself'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Oh!

Weren't that good? Weren't that good?

COCKNEY ACCENT: Oh, that was amazing, amazing.

And in honour of Fagin and his little urchins

during that performance, we had our own little urchins

working their way around the Albert Hall,

picking a pocket or two. ALAN CACKLES

LAUGHTER

Don't worry. If you've lost any valuables,

all the proceeds from their sale will be going to tonight's charity.

LAUGHTER

So, let's welcome our little urchins and find out how they got on.

Please, would you welcome, from Alan's sitcom, Young Alan.

And joining him, from Amanda's dreams, Young Amanda.

Oh, thanks (!)

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

SONG: 'Young At Heart'

Oh. Look at you. You look so young and gorgeous.

I wanna look like that.

Yeah.

Well, give it a few more years and you probably will!

LAUGHTER

Now, where have you heard things like that? Zip it!

So, how did you find it working with Little Amanda?

Well, she's very bossy.

Yeah. Welcome to my world, love.

LAUGHTER

Hope she didn't have the two bottles of rose before lunch as well.

Well, darling,

at least Amanda isn't just sat around all day

flirting with the Spanish builders when there's work to be done.

Oh-oh! She's good!

Can you do that really annoying laugh?

SHE CACKLES

LAUGHTER That's amazing.

That's enough of that. ALAN LAUGHS

Right, come on. I wanna see what you managed to pinch.

We got... 126 wallets.

Oh, that's amazing.

And if one of those is Simon Cowell's,

our work is done.

Oh!

And I got some swanky watches out of the posh seats.

Oh-ho!

That's about 100 grand's worth of watch on your wrist.

And probably the closest an Alan Carr will ever get

to looking like a professional footballer.

Oh, oh, and...

we nabbed these three small silk handkerchiefs

out of a dressing room. Hey!

They are not three small silk handkerchiefs.

This is my outfit

for the Britain's Got Talent final next year.

LAUGHTER

Well, it will be once I've had them taken in a bit.

We got a load of mobile phones.

Nice work. We should get good money for the...

PHONE RINGS Do I answer it?

Hello? Oh.

Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now.

Can I take a message?

Right. OK. Yeah, I'll be sure to pass that on.

That was a bit awkward.

Your Majesty?

LAUGHTER

There's a man who wants to talk to you

about an exciting opportunity to switch to T-Mobile.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what, Alan. This is getting a bit awkward.

Maybe we should go through the stuff in private later.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Young Amanda

and Young Alan, Isla Ashworth and Oliver Savell!

APPLAUSE

OK, now, it's past your bedtime. Thank you, thank you.

HUGH QUARSHIE: Plenty more to come.

World-renowned magicians Penn and Teller.

The sensational Marisha Wallace.

And global superstar Sir Elton John.

APPLAUSE

Ten years ago on this very stage,

the Mischief Theatre Group showcased a brand-new production

called The Play That Goes Wrong.

Yes. And since then, ironically, things have gone very right,

and the play has become a global sensation

and the longest-running comedy in the West End.

Tonight, you're about to witness the dawn of a new era,

as the gang takes us back to an old era, the 1960s,

and a Cold War spy thriller like no other.

Opening at the Noel Coward Theatre in April,

this is The Comedy About Spies.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Agent X. Good to see you, Sir.

Agent Y. Agent U.

Nice job at the consulate. It's all Z's talking about.

Many thanks, Sir.

Unfortunately, we have a problem closer to home,

and I need to talk to you privately.

Me, Sir? No, you.

He is U, Sir.

No, not U, you.

Right! Y.

I can't tell you that. It's classified.

LAUGHTER No, Sir. I wasn't asking why.

I was saying Y. Ah!

Sir? Get out, R.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, Y, I just need U to get out.

Yes, Sir. No, not you, U!

Get out. Yes, Sir.

You stay. Not you.

Sorry about that. Tea?

Yes, Sir? Get out, T!

LAUGHTER

The intelligence you gathered at the consulate regarding the Soviets,

the Kremlin knows we have it. Oh?

No.

Funny thing is, we hadn't even briefed it in to Number 10.

You think a sinister minister illicitly solicited a conspirator?

That's hard to say. Mm.

But I suspect there may be a rogue agent in MI6.

Oh!

Mm-hm? No!

But is there any evidence, Sir?

Of course. Just take a look at these slides.

SHE GASPS

Oh. That's twisted!

With the treasure in the building, we can't take any chances.

Bring in the file.

PANTING

Here you are, Sir. Thank you.

Who was that?

Case officer.

This file contains all the information

on Project Midnight,

a top-secret new weapon developed at Porton Down.

If it fell into Soviet hands, it would be disastrous.

So I need you to get a handle on this.

It's already got one, Sir.

No, I need you on the case.

But I'll break it!

No, I need you all over it. Sir!

No, courier it to a safe house off-site.

Of course, Sir.

The whole agency is relying on you.

That's a lot of pressure, Sir.

Sorry, I don't know my own strength.

It is extremely sensitive.

Well, you did squeeze rather hard.

No, the file. Oh, I see.

ALL: Yes, Sir! No!

Who came up with this stupid system?!

I did.

Agent I, get in here! Sir!

No, not I, me.

You did this? No, it wasn't me, Sir. No...

Not you, U, you! Ah!

No, it wasn't me. It was Y. See?!

Yes, Sir! No, not C! "See"!

Oh!

No!

Not C or I or U or R.

That's what I said. I said nothing of the sort!

No, not what you said, I, what I said, me!

Why?! Yes, Sir!

No, I'm not saying "Y"! I'm asking why!

Why did you implement this ridiculous system?

For ease.

ALL: Yes, Sir?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm so confused. I see why you are.

I, C, Y, U AND R: Yes, Sir! No!

But, Sir,

the file's gone! THEY GASP

He's fainted. Get a man to hold him.

Sir?

No...

Not "Amanda Holden", "a man to hold him".

LAUGHTER

He needs a hospital. We need to get a car!

It's me, Alan!

No, not "a Carr". A car!

This is a crisis. Raise the alarm.

And hit the panic button.

ALL SCREAM

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRAMATIC MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're thrilled to be able to showcase

many powerhouse performances tonight,

and our next star is one of them.

From the original Broadway cast of Aladdin,

she arrived in the West End to wow audiences

in Hairspray, Oklahoma, and Guys And Dolls.

Ahead of her biggest ever headline date next year

at the Adelphi Theatre, she's here to wow us

with the song she first performed on a London stage.

With And I'm Telling You from Dreamgirls,

it's the incredible Marisha Wallace.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# And I am telling you

# I'm not going

# You're the best man I'll ever know

# There's no way I can ever go

# No, no, there's no way

# No, no, no, no way I'm living without you

# I'm not living without you

# I don't wanna be free

# I'm staying

# And you, and you

# You're gonna love me

# Oh, mm, mm, mm

# And I am telling you

# I'm not going

# Even though The rough times are showing

# There's just no way

# There's no way

# We're part of the same place

# We're part of the same time

# We both share the same blood

# We both have the same mind

# And time and time

# We've had so much to see

# And no, no, no, no, no way

# I'm not waking up tomorrow morning

# And finding that There's nobody there

# Tear down the mountains Yell, scream and shout

# Like you can say what you want

# I'm not walking out

# Stop all the rivers Push, strike and kill

# I'm not gonna leave you

# There's no way I will

# And

# I am

# Telling you

# I-I-I'm not going

# You're the best man I'll ever know

# And there's no way I could ever, ever go

# No, no, no, there's no way

# No, no, no, no way I'm living without you

# I'm not living without you Not living without you

# I don't wanna be free No, no, no

# I'm staying, I'm staying

# And you, and you, and you

# You're gonna love me

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# You're gonna love me

# Love me

# Love me, love me

# Love

# You're gonna love

# Me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HUGH QUARSHIE: On their way, Eurovision winner Nemo,

plus a special choir with some surprise guests.

Our next act is a brilliant stand-up

who is well known for writing and voicing characters

such as Boris Johnson, Keir Starmer and Donald Trump

on Spitting Image.

He's also one of our best satirical comics.

Hot off his biggest tour to date, it's Matt Forde.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Before I start, I should explain why I need a walking stick.

Just over a year ago,

I had terrible nerve pain in my left leg

and went to get an MRI scan,

thinking the pain was caused by a slipped or a swollen disc.

I got the results of that scan back,

and I was diagnosed with cancer.

And at that point, I had no idea how much longer I had left to live.

And I'm telling you this mainly just to get you onside.

Because I'm gonna impersonate a few politicians now.

And if I insult one you like, just remember, I've been very brave.

But I'm now cancer-free and alive. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you, very much.

APPLAUSE

And I'm so glad I lived to see the wonderful,

global political events of the last few months.

My God, what a world we're living in.

Obviously, we've got a new Prime Minister, Keir Starmer,

a man with a very distinctive block-nosed,

locked jaw sort of voice.

If you want to perfect a Keir Starmer impression,

the phrase you have to master is...

AS KEIR STARMER: ..the Metropolitan Police.

LAUGHTER

All the blocked-nose noises you need.

A friend of mine said, "Well, you know,

"he can't do the sexy stuff, can he?"

And what's that even mean?

I mean, if you had to have a night of passion

with one of two politicians,

would you pick the first guy, who says...

AS BORIS JOHNSON: "Well, I'm going to give you, yes, by the way...

"I'm gonna give you the greatest night you've ever had.

BLUSTERING: "Eruptions of eroticism, oven-ready beans to get in.

"You've got paroxysms of old pleasure.

STAMMERING: "Yes, I will level you right up."

BLUSTERS, LAUGHTER

Or would you choose the guy that says...

AS KEIR STARMER: "Look, I'm not going to make any promises..."

LAUGHTER

"..certainly not before I've had a good look

"at what I'm dealing with.

"But it is my intention to satisfy you as fully as possible

"in the time available to me."

Obviously, Rishi Sunak started the year as Prime Minister,

he's no longer Prime Minister.

Fascinating bloke to watch, Rishi Sunak,

because he's got such...

..Kermit energy.

LAUGHTER

His mouth would finish speaking, but his body wouldn't.

You saw it during the election campaign

when he gave that answer about privilege, where he went...

AS RISHI: "Look, actually, I had to go without quite a lot as a child.

"Famously, I had to go without Sky TV."

LAUGHTER

Why are you wiggling like that?

But, of course, the biggest political event of the year

was over in America, and Donald Trump has got re-elected.

AS DONALD TRUMP: "And it is a great honour to be here today

"at the Royal Vasectomy."

LAUGHTER

"In a room full of 3 million people..."

LAUGHTER

"..it's great to be here."

I mean, the stuff he comes out with.

"They're eating the cats, they're eating the dogs.

"Your Majesty, King Charles, you're named after a spaniel.

"Be very careful, they'll eat you alive."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes, he knows.

Cos he loves to insult people, doesn't he?

And his standard insult formula is X plus Y,

where X is the pejorative and Y is an animal or an insect.

"She is mad as a bedbug."

The difference with him now is that he will engage with that

as if it is a material fact.

"Kamala Harris, you cannot let her win this election.

"She's loopy as a moose,

"and you cannot let a moose run the United States.

"It would be so bad.

"They're terrible animals.

"I once saw a moose eat a hedgehog. It was disgusting."

LAUGHTER

"It's true, they..."

Obviously, he's had his own issues this year.

He had his own brush with death.

And watching him talk about that experience,

I think we all thought,

"Will this lead to some deeper reflection?"

I watched his first rally back.

And he goes, "I heard a whizzing sound go past my ear.

"I felt the pain, I put my hand in my ear.

"I looked down. There's blood everywhere.

"I looked down. My hand's covered in blood.

"They take me to the hospital.

"I said to the doctor, 'There's blood everywhere.'

"He said, 'Ears bleed more than any other part of the body,

" 'they're the bloodiest part.

" 'You cut your ear, it'll bleed everywhere.'

"So, we learn stuff."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure that's what I would've learned from that experience.

But people are worried, aren't they?

People are worried that he's a fascist.

And you just think,

"Had any other fascist in history spoken like Trump,

"history would be very different."

Had Hitler spoken like Trump,

World War II would have gone a completely different way.

AS HITLER IN TRUMP'S VOICE: "And the Sudetenland,

"it's a total dump, by the way, it's a total dump, I may invade it.

"I probably will."

LAUGHTER

"But I want us to win. People want us to lose.

"We can't let the allies win, they're terrible people.

"People like Winston Churchill.

"You cannot let him win. That guy is crazy as a hamster.

"He lives in a little plastic house

"inside a cage full of wood chip, he's lost it.

"I sat next to him at a summit.

"He drank a bottle of water right above his head."

MIMICS GLUGGING

LAUGHTER

"But my friends said to me,

" 'if we lose and they come after you, they will,

" 'would you ever consider blowing your own brains out?'

"I said, 'No way.

" 'Because if I miss and hit my ear, there'll be blood everywhere.' "

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been a phenomenal privilege.

I'm Matt Forde. Thank you very much. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're all here tonight to support the Royal Variety Charity,

which has been going for over 100 years.

Yep. I was there from the very start.

LAUGHTER

Let's discover more about their work.

Well, good evening.

AMANDA: 'The Royal Variety Performance

'is the world's longest-running entertainment show.

'And since it began over 100 years ago,

'it's brought together the world's biggest stars,

'who perform each year for free to support the Royal Variety Charity.

Are you listening? "Yes."

ALAN: 'The curtain was first raised in 1912

'at the Palace Theatre London.

'King George V and Queen Mary attended the show,

'which was staged at a time when TV had yet to be invented.'

'Television cameras first arrived in 1960

'to film Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II's attendance

'at the 33rd Royal Variety Performance.'

# When I fall in love

# It will be forever. #

'Queen Elizabeth II served as a patron for 70 years.

'And this year, His Majesty King Charles III

'continues that tradition

'by becoming the fourth reigning monarch to serve as patron

'of the Royal Variety Charity.'

'Whilst the show may shine a spotlight on those on stage,

'there's always an unsung army of workers

'behind the scenes that help bring every production to life.'

'A career in entertainment can come with instability.

'The vast majority working from job to job,

'often on a lower than average wage.

'Many spending long periods with no work at all.

'The Royal Variety Charity supports this workforce with grants

'to help during financial crises and illness.

'This year, it's also launched a new initiative

'to offer support for those struggling with their mental health,

'alongside caring for retired professionals

'at their residential care home, Brinsworth House.

'Professionals such as impressionist, comedian

'and former Royal Variety performer Mike Yarwood, who,

'after an illustrious career, found it very difficult to adjust

'to life offstage.'

Thank you so much. Good evening, ladies, gentleman, children.

Nice to see ya, to see ya... AUDIENCE: Nice.

Oh, what a wave of indifference that was.

All right, my love?

He was just...

finding... finding his days quite difficult in terms of, erm,

being... feeling a bit isolated, I think.

He'd reached a point where he was quite fragile,

and he needed a little bit more than his family could give.

And that, for me,

is where he then found some peace later in life at Brinsworth House.

The last three years of his life were spent there.

VOICE CRACKS: And the reason I get a bit emotional

is because it is emotional to think that he gave something

and then received something back, ultimately.

It's really quite lovely.

To be amongst people that understood him

and that he could share memories of the business, show business, with

was a gift to him, actually.

So, lovely that that's how our family story sort of ended.

AMANDA: 'The Royal Variety Performance

'is the main fundraising event for the Royal Variety Charity.'

ALAN: 'Tonight, we come together to help those across the UK

'who devote their lives to entertaining others.'

'If you need assistance, would like to support,

'or require further information about the charity,

'please go to www.royalvarietycharity.org.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, let's turn our attention to something very flamboyant,

extremely camp, and massive.

I can hear you.

LAUGHTER

Alan, I'm talking about the Eurovision Song Contest.

But, you know, if the cap fits.

Please, would you welcome to the stage,

the winner of Eurovision 2024 all the way from Switzerland

with their brand-new single Eurostar, it's the fabulous Nemo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Meet me in the lobby I've been up for 24

# I wanna dance, I wanna party

# Do it like no-one before

# I took the Eurostar from Paris

# And you know what I came for

# I wanna dance, I wanna party Do it like no-one before

# I'm that hottie in the lobby Taking cute pictures

# Sweet and twisted

# Come and kiss This cherry-red lipstick

# I'll call Dodo, clear my wardrobe Want it all princess

# I'm so pop queen

# Everyone's watching Screaming, "Who is this?"

# If I do one thing right It's running this whole damn night

# Baby, don't kill my light

# Meet me in the lobby I've been up for 24

# I wanna dance, I wanna party

# Do it like no-one before

# I took the Eurostar from Paris And you know what I came for

# I wanna dance, I wanna party Do it like no-one before

# Rose-gold night dress Oh-so timeless, call me Grace Kelly

# Bathed in white wine Looking so fine

# My, haven't you met me?

# Life's too short To ever get bored

# I wanna get messy

# Touch up at the bus stop I know you love it when I'm up

# Hey! If I do one thing right It's running this whole damn night

# Baby, don't kill my light

# Meet me in the lobby I've been up for 24

# I wanna dance, I wanna party Do it like no-one before

# I took the Eurostar from Paris And you know what I came for

# I wanna dance, I wanna party Do it like no-one before

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh

# I took the Eurostar from Paris And you know what I came for. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HUGH QUARSHIE: When we return, an eye-catching number

from Sir Elton John's new musical, The Devil Wears Prada.

APPLAUSE

This next comic is an award-winning stand-up

who's appeared on Live At The Apollo, Mock The Week,

and The Stand Up Sketch Show.

Please give a big hand to Larry Dean.

# I've been runnin' through This strange life

# Chasin' all them green lights

# Throwin' out the shade For a little bit of sunshine. #

APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

That wasn't the accent you were expecting, was it?

LAUGHTER

This is the thing, though, having a Scottish accent...

I generally, usually, when I'm onstage,

I want to go on and pretend

I'm one of those cool American comics.

AMERICAN ACCENT: When they come on and they talk,

like, it's a very smiley accent, and it just seems so positive.

And let's face it, when you go to Scottish...

NORMAL VOICE: ..everything gets a bit more negative, doesn't it?

LAUGHTER

Have you noticed that Scottish is the only accent

that doesn't suit smiling?

LAUGHTER

Every other accent, you can smile when you're talking.

AMERICAN ACCENT: American, they have to smile when they're talking.

ENGLISH ACCENT: And English people, right?

You can smile when you're talking, and it's not weird.

If anything, it suits you. Hello.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Australians as well.

They can smile when they talk,

but they can only do it on one side of the face.

Even Australian faces are right-wing.

All right, mate.

NORMAL VOICE: Problem I've noticed, though,

is if you smile with a Scottish accent...

LAUGHTER

..someone's getting stabbed.

LAUGHTER

I think the reason, though, right,

the American accent is the most positive one,

is because they've got hero culture.

They look up to people like...

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, that guy's my hero, oh, my God."

NORMAL VOICE: In the UK, we have legend culture.

And the difference between a legend and a hero

isn't that much in the dictionary,

but in our culture, if I said to you guys,

"Oh, guys, my mate Jordan's coming tonight.

"Total legend."

Nobody in this room would be like,

"Oh, wow, we're gonna be really inspired by your friend Jordan."

The information you take from that is,

"Oh, Jordan's got an alcohol problem, good to know."

LAUGHTER

But when it comes to accents, my accent is a bit weird, right?

Cos I'm from Glasgow, but I'm from a mixed family.

Well, as in my mum is middle class,

and my dad is working class.

So I've got, like, a hybrid accent.

I got raised working class in a middle-class household.

Basically, we had a cleaner, but we stole from her.

LAUGHTER

But my partner, he's from...

Well, he's a he, so he's gay. Ooh, and, er, well...

LAUGHTER

I didn't know he was gay before we started going out.

Actually, my exes were all gay as well, I think I've got a type.

LAUGHTER

But this one I actually think's always gonna work cos of how we met.

Basically, I've always known my now partner,

and I've always had a crush on him.

His name's Mikey and I've always liked him.

And then randomly, Mikey told me that he's always had a crush on me.

And I was like, "Oh, really? Cool. Bit creepy."

He's actually not even Scottish. He's from Birmingham.

SCATTERED CHEERING

Rarely gets a cheer, to be honest.

It's not, like, a sexy accent. Let's be honest.

And no offense, right, I'm not being hypocritical when I say it.

Cos I don't think Scottish is sexy either.

But the Birmingham accent's even worse, so we don't flirt.

It'd be too weird, me going,

"Oh, fancy coming back to mine tonight, Mikey?"

BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: "Oh, that'd be great."

LAUGHTER

"Ooh, that'd be loov-er-ley."

LAUGHTER

Always sounds like he's deflating.

Although, it's a relaxing accent, the Birmingham accent,

it sounds like whale song.

PROLONGUED MOAN

Now, the way we actually met

is we met on an online fan page for Elvis when we were kids.

That's how me and my partner met.

And I know it's quite a weird way of meeting somebody.

But he did say to me, he was like, "Oh, lovey, we met through Elvis.

"So we should go and live in the southern states of America."

I was like, "I don't think that's a good idea."

Can you imagine us turning up and them being like,

"What? Are you two boys brothers?

"You sure are spending a lot of time together."

"Oh, you're cousins, that's OK. We quite like that down here."

Nothing against the Bible belt.

I'm not religious, but I'd say, if anything,

when it comes to religion, I'm agnostic.

You know, I believe in God when I'm on a plane.

LAUGHTER

I think that's when we all get a bit religious.

You know, when there's turbulence and you're like, "OK, God,

"I know I have not been to church in ages,

"but please don't let me die this way,

"and I promise you I will go to church every single week."

And then the arrogance kicks in, cos as soon as you land,

you're like, "Huh, I can't believe you fell for that, to be honest."

LAUGHTER

You know what it is about flying? The thing that makes me calmer

is when the pilot talks before take-off...

if they're posh.

I'm all for equal opportunities, but working-class pilots...

no, thanks.

I'll get the next one.

I think the trick is the pilot has to sound

like they've just taken a step too quickly when they're talking.

So it's like, "Good... evening, ladies and gentlemen."

I don't know about you, but I never, ever, ever want to hear...

" 'Ello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the plane.

"I'm your Captain.

"I'll be flying you today at 40,000 feet.

"Well, not just me, you got your co-pilot as well.

"Oh, mate, I just met him, he's a total legend.

"You guys are gonna love him."

LAUGHTER

Folks, you've been absolutely brilliant.

I've been Larry Dean. Enjoy your night. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are very excited to welcome to the stage

Sir Elton John and David Furnish.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's been a long time since I came out of the closet.

LAUGHTER

Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Based on the best-selling memoir by Lauren Weisberger,

The Devil Wears Prada is a Faustian tale about Andy Sachs,

an aspiring journalist with zero style,

who finds herself working at Runway Magazine as an assistant

to the notoriously ruthless editor-in-chief, Miranda Priestly.

God, Miranda Priestly, I hear she's a real cow.

Oh.

Oh, Hi, Miranda.

Sparkly shoes, over-the-top blazer, signature sunglasses...

ground-breaking (!)

Obviously, you have no sense of style or fashion.

Well, that depends on...

No, no. That wasn't a question.

AUDIENCE LAUGH, MUSIC STARTS

That's all.

Well... the bitch is back.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Wow. Nigel, that was brutal.

That's fashion, baby.

Even Sir Elton John isn't safe,

and judging by your outfit, neither are you.

Nigel, I'm not gonna be working in fashion forever.

Mm-hm. Miranda hired me.

She knows what I look like.

Do you?

# You think fashion Is shallow and vapid

# A superficial path

# I mean, your clothes, your hair You don't care what you wear

# You just wanna teach High school math... #

Or be a writer.

# It doesn't matter What road you walk

# Someone's gonna see your shoes

# You can dress to connect Set the mood, show respect

# Or you can, of course, refuse... #

Oh, no, I didn't say that.

# You're winding Like you're looking for advice

# If you want mine

# I'll tell you miracles can happen When your soul and style combine

# Bottom line

# If you wanna go far Dress your way up

# You wanna prove who you are Dress your way up

# You wanna get your view Dress your way up

# Do it for you, dress your way up

# You can call it vanity Well, I say it's taking pride

# I say dress your way up, up, up And show us who you are inside... #

You're right. I know.

Nigel, could you give me, like, a mini makeover?

A mini makeover?

Honey, you're Extreme Makeover, Home Edition.

# You need Gucci Like you need air... #

Yes!

# Plus a little Cartier... #

Whoo! I like that.

# Some Loewe suede... #

Here, this is handmade. Oh.

# Anything I say - obey... # OK.

# If you can't judge a book By its cover

# No-one's ever gonna read it

# If you're so damn smart Then start looking the part

# Lord knows, you're gonna need it

# Get in there, it's urgent Don't emerge until you look pristine

# Get ready There'll be buttons and braces

# And zippers In places you've never seen

# And if you need help - scream!

# You wanna get yours Dress your way up

# You wanna open doors Dress your way up

# You want an ego boost Dress your way up

# You want to get introduced Dress your way up

# Show them you are tailor-made And get ahead of the pack

# Oh, darling Dress your way up, up, up

# But never, never, never look back

# When Nigel's in charge He'll make you perfection

# Oh, oh!

# You'll lose your mind When you see your reflection

# Your reflection, oh!

# He can flip a four into a ten A ten

# Turn your army cousin into Ken

# He can read your closets Better look inside of them

# If you get the chance He'll change your life

# With some Chanel

# Yeah Yeah

# Dress, dress your way up

# She was his inspirator

# You wanna go far Dress your way up

# You wanna prove who you are Dress your way up

# You wanna self-actualise Dress your way up

# You want your star to rise Dress your way up

# You wanna make your name Dress your way up

# You wanna change the game Dress your way up

# You wanna reach higher ground

# Dress your way up You wanna be renowned

# Show them you are tailor-made To get ahead of the pack

# Oh, oh, oh

# Cos I'll be dressing Way up, up, up

# Darling, dress your way up, up, up

# And never, never, never

# Never, never, never

# Never, never, never look back! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HUGH QUARSHIE: Stay tuned for an exquisite performance

from English National Ballet and a rousing finale.

APPLAUSE

It is a thrill for us now to introduce an act

that has achieved the legendary title

of the longest-running headline act in Vegas.

Their dazzling blend of magic and comedy

has entertained audiences around the world

for nearly 50 years, and incredibly, next year,

these lifelong friends will be starring

in their first ever West End run.

Joined by...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, it is amazing.

Joined by Vanessa Williams,

it's the one and only Penn and Teller.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Oh, no, oh

# Nothing's gonna bring me down. #

Oh, Vanessa, this is a thrill, isn't it?

It is a thrill. Royal Albert Hall, here we are.

Gorgeous.

You're gonna remember this the rest of your life.

Onstage with Penn and Teller... Yes.

..at the huge Royal Variety Show.

You really need a souvenir.

I do. Yeah, you do.

We think she should have a souvenir, so we brought our whole gift shop.

Oh, cool! Anything here you'd like.

We have magic sets. We have programmes.

We have bobblehead dolls. We have...

I want a bobblehead.

Bobblehead doll, you'll remember that forever!

Yes. Bobblehead doll.

Tell her put that in the case.

And then we'll just need your, um... your credit card.

But I thought it was a gift.

No, I didn't say "gift". I said "a souvenir to remember".

Didn't he say "gift"? I think you have a credit card with you...

I do have my credit card. Yeah, pretty much...

OK, here's my credit card. I'll just take that.

OK. And we'll just... It's very reasonably priced.

We'll just slide this right in here. And here you go, uh...

MACHINE BEEPS Uh, yes.

Reasonable? It's gonna take a second.

Went through, went right through.

There we go. Let's hope.

And we've also got...

Besides that, we've also got a magic trick for you here.

Oh, thank you!

Just take your credit card here, a little thing for you. Yes.

Teller just...

Oh. And it's vanished, all charges.

Where is my credit card? APPLAUSE

This trick is a standard in magic

called "object to impossible location".

And the object we chose was your credit card. Yes.

And the impossible location - you've been holding it in your hand.

Your credit card has now appeared inside the bag you're holding.

Reach in there.

Beside the bobblehead doll, there's one other thing.

Reach in there, pull that out, and there will be your credit card.

What have you got there, Vanessa?

I've got a crinkled water bottle. Hm... That's...

That's an empty, crushed... water bottle?

Yes. That...

is trash, Vanessa. It is trash.

But, you know, Vanessa,

in the magic world of Penn and Teller...

..if the trash is where the credit card should be,

maybe, just maybe, the credit card is where the trash should be.

Vanessa. Yes?

Since before we came out onstage,

that trash can has been clearly and plainly in view.

Yes. As you can see, it is locked shut.

Why is it locked shut, Vanessa? Uh...

Racoons! Raccoons. Of course.

Open it up. It'll open.

Here we go. There you go.

And just let that drop to the floor, all that.

Take the top off there. Just drop the lock.

Drop the lock. Now, what's in there?

Garbage! Trash. Yeah, trash. This is trash.

Yeah, let me just pull the trash out of here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, there's Christmas trash.

That's really nice. Mm-hm.

Oh, look at this, look at this. We have royal trash here.

Mm-hm. Very, very classy.

That's a Christmas pudding right there for you.

We got... OK. Oh, there's lights, everything.

What else is in there, Vanessa? Another trash bin?

Another trash bin. Pull the trash can out.

Bring it over here, Vanessa. SHE GRUNTS

Set it right down there. Now, why is that chained shut?

Raccoons? Raccoons, yeah.

Open it up. Open it up. LAUGHTER

OK. There we go. Just throw that stuff on the ground.

What's inside there, Vanessa? More trash.

Aw, racoons! Raccoons. Racoons, yes.

And what else is in there?

Another trash... Yeah. Pull it over here.

Just put it right over here. Open that. Why's that chained shut?

Raccoons? Racoons, little ones. Open it up.

GRUNTING: Here we go. Just throw them to the floor.

What's in there, Vanessa? More trash.

Yeah, pull that out there. Oh, another raccoon. Yeah.

And then there's...

Oh, there's a hamburger. Pull that out there.

Now, you see that's been closed up.

There's rubber bands around that, right, Vanessa? Yes.

You remember this forever, because that trash can, Vanessa,

was in plain view before you came out on stage.

Open that up, Vanessa.

Inside, you'll find a hamburger. Hamburger, and...

Besides the hamburger, what's right there, Vanessa?

My credit card. APPLAUSE

There's your credit card, right there, Vanessa. Greasy...

And you can clean your hands off with that, Vanessa.

Thank you very much.

And thank you, Vanessa Williams! Thank you.

Thank you so much. Great job. Thank you. And thank you!

# Oh, no, oh

# Nothing's gonna bring me down. #

Our next act is a comic, presenter, actor and writer,

best known for appearing in the smash-hit TV series Ted Lasso

and The Mash Report.

She also hosts Bake Off: The Professionals,

and she's about to head off next year on a nationwide tour.

It's the fabulous Ellie Taylor. APPLAUSE

# You and I stargazing

# You were right there all along. #

Hello, my friends, are you well? AUDIENCE WHOOPS

What an absolute pleasure it is to be here.

And I really, really mean that because I was actually meant

to perform at the Royal Variety Show last year.

Yeah, and I was super excited for two main reasons.

One, I was gonna be doing it about nine months pregnant.

And two, obviously, I was gonna get the chance to meet His Majesty...

Rick Astley, who was also on the bill!

Super excited.

No offence, all right? Couldn't wait.

Night before the show, I was all set.

I'd done the prep, I'd bought the frock,

I'd had the spray tan sorted.

2am that morning, my waters break.

That's the spray tan ruined for a start, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

And by 10:22 on the morning of the Royal Variety Show last year,

I was holding my baby boy for the first time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Proving that there is nothing that a young man won't do...

to obstruct an older woman's career ambitions.

LAUGHTER I was furious!

I've just about forgiven him. He's a good lad. He is.

I mean, he's no Rick Astley, but he is a good lad.

The interesting thing about my little boy

is that he is a boy, right?

Cos I've got two kids.

And the previous child I already owned...

LAUGHTER

..that one is a girl, right?

And I get girls. I'm a girl.

I've got a sister. All my best friends are girls.

I don't know anything about blokes.

Can name on one hand the amount of men in my life who I like.

Dad, husband...

Ben Shephard seems like a nice fella, I dunno.

So, all my friends with little boys

tried to warn me about it when I was pregnant.

They were like, "Oh, Ellie, watch out. Boy babies be crazy."

And I was like, "Don't be so stereotypical.

"How binary, 'Boy babies be crazy.' Ridiculous."

And then I met my boy baby.

Oh, my God. He's like a miniature one-man stag do.

Seriously, I've started to doubt whether he did arrive on this earth

via my womb.

I think he actually arrived on an easyJet flight from Benidorm.

The stuff this kid does! The stuff he makes me say.

I found myself in the street the other day, saying,

"No, darling, we don't lick buses."

LAUGHTER

I always think it's interesting how kids get their nicknames, right?

So, as soon as my daughter was born, I started calling her "Rat Bag".

I'm very loving.

And I was talking about her a little bit on Instagram, right?

And I was writing this nickname out, and after a while, I thought,

"Hang on a minute, I'm a cool, hip mum.

"I've got an air fryer with two drawers, for God's sake.

"I know what to do here - instead of writing the words "Rat Bag",

"I am gonna use emojis instead."

So instead of the word "rat", I did an emoji of a rat.

Instead of the word "bag", I did an emoji of a bag.

I thought, "Very clear, very funny. I'm an absolute hoot."

Till I got about 20 messages back, going,

"Why'd you call your daughter Mouse Satchel?"

LAUGHTER

So that is now her nickname.

And I tell you, Mouse Satchel has had a very busy few years.

She has. It's been all change in my family.

So, my sister and her kids have emigrated to Australia,

which is pretty cool.

Obviously means the children are now bilingual.

They speak English and...

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: ..adorable English, which is lovely.

They've moved to a place called the Sunshine Coast, near Brisbane.

The Sunshine Coast -

have you ever heard of anywhere more annoyingly perky?

LAUGHTER

And it really is. It's lovely over there.

It's so cheerful. It's so chipper.

It's like the geographical equivalent of Alison Hammond.

LAUGHTER

What I love to imagine, though, is you just know

if there was a place in the UK called the Sunshine Coast,

it would be an absolute dump, don't you?

You imagine turning up at the tourist office, like,

"All right?

"Welcome to t'Sunshine Coast.

"Directions to t'centre of town? Yeah.

"You got straight past t'nuclear reactor.

"Take a left at the abandoned Wilko's."

LAUGHTER

My friends, you've been a dream come true.

Thank you so much. I've been Ellie Taylor.

APPLAUSE

# You and I stargazing

# You were right there all along. #

The Nutcracker is one of the world's most famous ballets,

and a seasonal treat.

The English National Ballet,

for which Her Majesty The Queen is patron,

are currently performing this beautiful production

at the London Coliseum,

and we are proud to present an extract here tonight.

Would you please welcome to the stage

the exquisite, world-famous Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy,

performed by their lead principal, Emma Hawes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy'

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC FINISHES

Let's now take a moment to remember the entertainers and broadcasters

from the worlds of film, television, music and theatre

who we have lost this year.

And now we'd like to introduce an extraordinary choir.

Back in 2019, the Lorraine Kelly show

was inspired to start the Change + Check campaign

to raise awareness for breast cancer.

Since then, the campaign has gathered momentum

with the formation of a choir

whose members come from all over the UK.

They are all affected by this disease,

but represent a solidarity of love, support and friendship.

Last month, they released the iconic Love Is All Around single

with Marti Pellow,

as the hit song celebrates its 30th anniversary.

Before we hear from Lorraine and the choir,

we're delighted that they are also going to be joined

by some special guest supporters of Future Dreams,

The Pink Ribbon Foundation, and CoppaFeel!

So, please, feel free now to sing along

and welcome Marti Pellow, Lorraine Kelly,

and the Change + Check Choir.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, WHOOPING

SONG: 'Love Is All Around'

CHOIR: # Love, love, love

# I feel it in my fingers

# I feel it in my toes, yeah

# Love is all around me

# And so the feeling grows

# Mmm... #

TOGETHER: # It's written on the wind

# It's everywhere I go

# Oh, yes, it is

# So if you really love me

# Come on and let it show

# Come on and let it show now... #

Hey!

# You know I love you I always will

# My mind's made up By the way that I feel

# There's no beginning There'll be no end

# Cos on my love

# You can depend

# I see your face before me As I lay on my bed

# Ooh, ooh Mmm

# I kinda get to thinking

# Of all the things you said

# Oh, yes, I did

# You gave your promise to me

# And I gave mine to you Yeah

# Ah, ah

# I need someone beside me Beside me

# In everything I do

# In everything I do now

# You know I love you I always will

# My mind's made up By the way that I feel

# There's no beginning There'll be no end

# Cos on my love

# You can depend

# Gotta keep it moving!

# Ooh

# It's written in the wind Whoa-oh

# It's everywhere I go... #

HE VOCALISES

# So if you really love me Love me

# Come on and let it show

# Come on and let it Come on and let it

# Come on and let it

# Come on and let it show... #

Come on, Albert Hall!

# Come on, come on, come on Come on, let it show

# Come on, come on, come on Come on, let it show

# Cos love is all around. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Finally, tonight, let's welcome back the casts

of this year's Royal Variety Performance.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What an incredible night it's been for all of us.

And, please, let's not forget to give a huge thank-you

to Dave Arch and the brilliant Royal Variety Orchestra.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much. And good night!

HUGH QUARSHIE: King Charles makes his way backstage

to meet the stars of tonight's show,

including the cast of Starlight Express,

Stephen Mulhern, Marisha Wallace, Vanessa Williams...

..Cameron Mackintosh and the cast of Oliver!...

..Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Nemo...

..Marti Pellow and Lorraine Kelly,

choir member Nikki Wheatley, BGT winner Sydnie Christmas,

hosts Amanda Holden and Alan Carr.

Merry Christmas, and good night.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com