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HUGH QUARSHIE: Welcome
to the Royal Albert Hall

for tonight's
Royal Variety Performance.

His Majesty King Charles arrives

and is introduced to its chairman,
Giles Cooper OBE,

and some of the stars
of tonight's show.

Unfortunately, the Queen was unwell,

and so unable to join His Majesty
for this performance.

We hope Her Majesty is now
fully recovered.

FANFARE

# God save our gracious King

# Long live our noble King

# God save the King

# Send him victorious

# Happy and glorious

# Long to reign over us

# God save the King. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please welcome
your hosts for this evening,

Alan Carr and Amanda Holden.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, wow!
Oh, my goodness.

Good evening.

And welcome to
the Royal Variety Performance 2024.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh!

Wonderful, thank you.

We should probably stop
holding hands now.

People will think you're my carer.
Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER
Or worse, that we're the winners

of a very disappointing series
of Love Island.

Oh, Amanda,
you're so not my type on paper.

LAUGHTER
Or real life.

LAUGHTER

He liked that.
You liked that, didn't you?

LAUGHTER

But, can I say, your dress
looks absolutely fabulous.

Thank you, Alan, thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just on the right side
of an Ofcom complaint.

That's disappointing. Disappointing.

But once again, Your Majesty,
ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to
the Royal Variety Performance 2024.

Oh, I know.
APPLAUSE

This is so exciting.

And, Amanda, can I say,

I feel a great sense
of comfort and security

sharing a stage with you tonight.

Oh, Alan, thank you.

Well, it's a high-profile event,

and if Just Stop Oil come at
the stage with their orange powder,

I can use you
as a beautiful human shield.

LAUGHTER

Well, good luck to them,

cos I'll be their first victim
who ended up less orange.

LAUGHTER

So, what about us being here
tonight?

From going round Europe

renovating houses we've bought
for a quid

to hosting
the Royal Variety Performance.

For a quid.
LAUGHTER

Oh, it's good for you, Alan,
cos you really needed cheering up,

didn't you, after the disappointment
of not getting that role

of Rupert Campbell-Black in Rivals?

LAUGHTER

Don't, it's too soon, too soon.

My agent sent
the casting director my photo,

suggesting I'd be perfect
for the role of "showjumper"

and most handsome man in England.

Yeah, and the casting director
came back and said,

"With Alan's teeth,
he'd be perfect to play the horse."

So hurtful.

But anyway, onwards and upwards,
I've got a very good feeling

about that other big TV job
I'm up for.

Oh, my gosh, yes.
I have got everything crossed.

You are gonna be the perfect host
for Match Of The Day (!)

Wouldn't I?
LAUGHTER

I love crisps. I eat crisps.

Anyway, listen.
LAUGHTER

Love a crisp. Love a crisp.

Enough about your career,
we need to focus on tonight, Alan.

We are a team.
We are.

Though, if I'm honest,

I think the main reason
they chose us to host this evening

is because we ticked two big boxes.

I'm gay, and you're...
Old?

LAUGHTER
Oh, OK.

I was gonna say a woman.
Oh.

But now you mention it,
you are very old.

I'm not VERY...
I'm only five years older than you!

Yeah, but that's the thing.
I work in gay years.

LAUGHTER

So that five years
is actually 35 years.

LAUGHTER
In fact, in our world,

and I'm afraid
I've got bad news for you, Amanda,

you've just lost
your winter heating allowance.

LAUGHTER

Outrageous, Alan Carr. Outrageous.
Sorry.

The thing is,
I think we have actually become

one of those TV married couples.

We have.

Though, of course,
when we're filming our show abroad,

the locals don't know
it's just a TV marriage.

You've got Amanda sashaying
into the hotel breakfast buffet

with me mincing along at her side.

And you see them
shaking their sad heads,

going, "Poor cow, it's always
the wife who's last to know."

LAUGHTER

So, shall we get this show
on the road? Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time for the first act
of the evening, and a high-speed,

high-energy race on roller skates
from the all-new production

of Andrew Lloyd Webber's
incredible Starlight Express.

And as a special treat
for me and Amanda,

his Lordship has kindly
granted us permission

to put on our own roller skates
and join in. Hmm.

Yes.
I'm not being funny, though, Alan.

Can you actually even roller skate?
Can I roller skate?

I'll have you know

I was Margot Robbie's third reserve
stunt double for Barbie.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh, this feels like it's
turning into an episode of Casualty.

Have some faith. Have some faith.

I'm off now to get into
my train costume, see you in a bit.

CASUALTY THEME STARTS

LAUGHTER,
MUSIC STOPS

Your Majesty, ladies and gentlemen,

here to showcase
their brand-new production

at the Troubadour
Wembley Park Theatre,

it is the incredible cast
of Starlight Express.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'Overture/Entry of Trains'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Diesel is for unbelievers... #

Whoo!

# Electricity is wrong... #
Whoo!

# Steam has got the power
That will pull us along

# There's a light
At the end of the tunnel

# The inside might be
As black as the night

# But there's a light
At the end of the tunnel

# There's a light
At the end of the tunnel

# The inside might be
As black as the night

# But at the end of the tunnel

# There's a light
There's a light

# It's the power of James Watt
The steaming Scot

# The man who watched the pot

# And said
"Hey, I've got a brilliant plot

# "When the steam is hot

# "Seems to make a lot of power"

# If he'd known back then
Way back when

# There was hydrogen
The gas that's our best friend

# And it still makes steam
Choo-choo-choo

# With enough left over for a
Whoo-whoo

# Still got steam
Coming out of the funnel

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# With this brand-new fuel
The world can stay cool

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# The inside might be
As black as the night

# But at the end of the tunnel

# There's a light
There's a light

# There are dark days ahead
Where the power goes dead

# Where the oil runs dry
Ooh, what can we try?

# The sun will shine

# On days when it's fine
See those windmills go

# But it don't always blow, so

# Soon the pistons will be humming

# Steam will have a second coming
Whoo

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# At the end, yeah
Sing it, sing it again

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Oh-whoa-whoa

# With this brand-new fuel
The world can stay cool

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# Oh, I see that light

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# Goodbye to oil and coal

# Let's rock and roll

# At the end of the tunnel
There's a light

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# We see the light

# We see, we see the light

# When that Angel Gabriel
Blows his magic toot

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# Oh, I see the light

# We see the light
At the end of the tunnel

# We see the distant gleam

# That tells you it's steam

# At the end of the tunnel

# There's a light

# Star

# Light. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CONTINUES

CHEERING
Whoo! Whoa!

I wanna say,
"I'm like a Virgin... train."

LAUGHTER

What a performance!

And I am delighted
to welcome onto the stage

the genius behind the show,
Andrew Lloyd Webber.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ANDREW: Hi, guys, well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness, Andrew, welcome.
Thank you.

I mean, if I hold your hand now,
I'm not gonna let go.

LAUGHTER

You must be so proud
of this revival.

40 years since it first opened
in London.

It's all about
getting kids into the theatre.

And I just want to ask
the cast here, how many of you,

is it your first job ever
on a West End stage?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What do you think
makes this show so timeless, Andrew?

It's just great fun.

It's just a show that is about joy.

Absolutely. It's amazing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, congratulations
to this entire cast,

and thank you so much
for bringing the show

to the Royal Albert Hall tonight.

Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've gotta say,
I'm a little bit worried about Alan.

He should've been here ages ago.

THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
THEME PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Help me. Help me.
Are you all right?

Not really.
Are you sort of...?

Erm, goodness me.

You're not Network Rail, are you?
No!

LAUGHTER

It's terrifying.
How do they do it? It's terrifying.

Have you got leaves on your line?

That's a very personal question.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, I've had a nightmare.

I could have screamed,
but I was in the quiet carriage.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, and then to cap it all off,

I ran into
unscheduled engineering works

outside the royal box.

Oh, my God.

I was forced to continue
my journey as...

..a replacement bus.

LAUGHTER

I don't do buses.
Oh!

LAUGHTER

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

HUGH QUARSHIE: Still to come,
the legendary Sir Elton John,

astounding illusions
from Stephen Mulhern,

disco queen Sophie Ellis-Bextor,

and Britain's Got Talent winner
Sydnie Christmas.

APPLAUSE

Our next performer spread
a lot of joy during the lockdown

with her regular kitchen discos.

Tonight,
she's making her Royal Variety debut

on an ever so slightly bigger stage.

And there's not
an air fryer in sight.

Singing a disco classic

plus her latest single,
Freedom Of The Night,

please welcome Sophie Ellis-Bextor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SONG: 'Murder On The Dancefloor'

# Murder

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not kill the groove

# DJ, gonna burn
This goddamn house right down

# Oh, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know

# About your kind, yes, I do

# And so, and so, and so, and so
And so, and so, and so

# I'll have to play... #

Do the all-together
for old times' sake.

# If you think you're getting away
I will prove you wrong

# I'll take you all the way
Boy, just come along

# Hear me when I say

# Hey

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not kill the groove

# Hey-hey, hey-hey

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not steal the moves

# DJ, gonna burn
This goddamn house right down

# Don't think you're getting away
I will prove you wrong

# I'll take you all the way
Boy, just come along

# Hear me when I say

# Hey

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not
Kill the groove... #

Let me see your hands, come on.

# It's murder on
The dance floor... #

AUDIENCE CLAPS
That's it.

# But you better not steal the moves

# DJ, gonna burn
This goddamn house right down

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not kill the groove

# Hey-hey, hey-hey

# It's murder on the dance floor

# But you better not steal the moves

# DJ, gonna burn
This goddamn house right down

# Oh, oh... #

SONG: 'Freedom Of The Night'

# Wake up

# Put on your confidence
Like make-up

# Step through the mirror
As the sun drops

# Kiss the lights goodbye, yeah

# I've heard dreams come true

# Come to the other side

# I can feel energy

# I believe it's healing me

# All I need is sweet release

# In the freedom of the night

# Freedom of the night

# I can feel energy

# I believe it's healing me

# All I need is sweet release

# In the freedom of the night

# Freedom of the night

# Give in to what you want
Give in to what you want

# All I need is sweet release

# In the freedom of the night

# Freedom of the night

# When the moon is high
I feel this way

# Getting what I need to rise again

# When the moon is high
I rise again

GUITAR SOLO

# I can feel energy

# I believe it's healing me

# All I need is sweet release

# In the freedom of the night

# Freedom of the night. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now to welcome
an all-round entertainer

and a true master of magic,

Stephen Mulhern!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Wow. Hello!

How are you doing?

When you think some of
the greatest performers of all time

have appeared here
on the Royal Variety Show,

and now tonight, you've got me.

CHEERING
I know.

Do you know what?

My true passion in entertainment
has always been magic,

to be able to make people laugh,

and prove the impossible
is possible.

For this moment,
I need to be a tiny bit serious.

Because I need to show you this.

This here is a detonator.

Now, let me tell you,

when you press this button here,
it changes the entire show.

It sets off fireworks.

It changes the lighting.
It changes the music.

So we need somebody very responsible
to look after this.

Someone trustworthy.

Someone... Someone...
Well, it's definitely not you, mate.

LAUGHTER
Now, look up here.

Look, lovely. You look beautiful.
You look beautiful.

Do you know what? What's your name?
Adam.

What is it?
Adam.

Adam. Adam, yeah, you're the guy.

Adam, if at any moment

you see in my act something
that you think is funny,

I want you to press that red button.

And then the fireworks,
the whole thing.

We're gonna turn this show
into party time.

Be very careful.
Be very responsible.

But now, I did say about
making the impossible possible.

That's what
we're gonna do right now.

Now, what you're about to see
is not a trick, it's an illusion.

And it uses a newspaper.

Now, they do say,

"Never believe everything
you read in the newspaper."

But trust me, believe that.

Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER

Now, watch closely.

Remember, everything you see
isn't actually happening.

Now, some people think

they can see me
tear the newspaper in half.

But I don't.

It is just an illusion.

Some people think they can see me
tearing the newspaper into strips.

But they can't.

Because it's just an illusion.

It's not actually happening.

Some people think
they can see and hear me

tearing the newspaper into squares.

But they can't.

Because it's just an illusion.

LAUGHTER

And now it's my job as the magician

to put all the pieces
back together again.

Watch.

HE BLOWS AIR SHARPLY

And now the newspaper
is fully restored.

I thank you.

LAUGHTER

I thank you.

I thank you.

No, it really is, look.

All the pieces.
AUDIENCE CHEERS

Piece by piece.

Bit by bit.

How does he do it?

Burn him!

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Why would I do
such a small trick here

at the Royal Albert Hall,

in front of millions of people
watching at home?

Well, there's a reason
I do this trick.

And I don't want to bring
the atmosphere down, but...

my granddad, he taught me
how to do this trick

when I was just 11 years old.

And sadly...

..my granddad passed away
two weeks ago.

LIVELY MUSIC,
FIREWORKS EXPLODE

Stop this!

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY,
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That was the wrong time, my friend!

What the hell were you thinking?

This is...
Right, I tell you what, mate.

STEPHEN FEIGNS LAUGHTER
Yeah, I tell you what.

Come with me. No, ser...
Come with me. Get out.

Get out.

I'm not joking. Get out.
And stay out.

Right, now, where was I? Alan!

Alan. Do you know what?

I'm not just gonna show you a trick.
I'm gonna teach you it.

Ooh.
Are you up for that?

Yes, I am.

Right. Come over this side.
That's it.

This is the mystery of
the vanishing orange juice trick.

Now, you're gonna love it.

OK.
Two cups.

Watch.

Lovely, lovely orange.

Alan, hold the cup

like you're saying cheers
to the audience.

OK. Cheers.
Beautiful.

I, too, am gonna have
some lovely, lovely orange.

Now, Alan, I'll do it first,
then you do it.

Now place the cup above your head.
Yeah?

That's it.

Now you need to do a little dance.

You go one, two, three, four.

Then you go one, two, three, four.
Oh.

Then you close your eyes,
and you slowly, slowly turn around.

It's gotta be really slow.

And then you face the audience,
and you open your eyes.

Then the orange will have vanished.
Above your head!

OK, OK, all right.
That's it. OK.

Four kicks. That's it, yeah.
One, two, three, four.

Four.
And gyrate. That's it.

People might think it's Magic Mike.

LAUGHTER

That's it. Beautifully done.

Now you close your eyes.
Close your eyes.

And slowly, slowly turn around.

That's it.

Are you sure?
That's it. Perfect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, I'll go first.

Watch the cup above your head.

You slowly turn it upside down.

And the orange has gone.
CHEERING

I know!

No, I can't.
STEPHEN CHUCKLES

Above your head.

No, no, listen,
this has got to go back to Matalan.

LAUGHTER

I swear to you, just slowly,
and then listen to the audience.

Have faith. Have faith. Have faith.

Oh, no!
Keep going. Keep going.

No, no, no, no.
Keep going. He's done it!

Come on!

How did you do that?

Do you know what?
That was amazing.

It was so good,
I think we should do another one.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You've messed with my head.
That was weird.

That was like black magic.
No, no, no.

That was like witchcraft.

Find yourself a witch.

Where do you want me?
What?

Amanda. Yes.
It's finale time.

And you are gonna love this.

Is it better than Alan's trick?
Oh, yeah. Come around this side.

Oh.

I bet you wish this was you, Alan.
LAUGHTER

SONG: 'Nothing Is As It Seems'

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have been one
incredible audience.

But just before we go,
one last thing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was for you, Dad.

Oh, wow.

HUGH QUARSHIE: Don't miss,
making his Royal Variety debut,

James Bay,

a jaw-dropping performance
from Cirque du Soleil,

and an incredible medley
from Oliver!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's ten years
since this award-winning singer

first burst into the charts
with his huge single Let It Go,

and he is still riding high.

This year,
he won the BRIT Billion Award

in recognition
of his 1 billion UK streams,

and he has also been celebrating
the success of his latest album,

Changes All The Time.

Here with the hit single
Up All Night,

it's the fantastic James Bay.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Started thinking
Of me knocking around

# Call me out
But don't leave the room

# Cos what I want
And what I'm worried about came true

# Hold the mirror a little nearer

# And let me see the way
I've been looking at you

# Cos what I want
And what I worried about came true

# Let's talk about dreams
Let's talk about lies

# Let's talk about all the things
That keep us up all night

# Let's talk about who
Gotta talk about why

# Let's talk about all the things
That keep us up all night

# All night, up all night

# All night, up all night

# Always had an automatic
Kind of panic

# That I can't stop buryin' down

# Talkin' sugars
Till I eat myself alive

# I forgot what, what I wanted

# And the sun went down

# I forgot what, what I wanted

# Can I turn this, turn this round?

# Let's talk about dreams
Let's talk about lies

# Let's talk about all the things
That keep us up all night

# What are they talkin' about?

# Let's talk about who
Gotta talk about why

# Let's talk about all the things
That keep us up all night

# All night, up all night

# All night, up all night

# Na-na-na, na-na-na
Na-na, na, na, na

# Na-na-na, na-na-na
Na-na, na, na, na

# Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na
Na, na, na

# Let's talk about dreams
Let's talk about lies

# Let's talk about all the things
That keep us up all night

# Let's talk about who
Gotta talk about why

# Let's talk about all the things
That keep us up all night. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next act has been described
as comedy's best kept secret.

Well, not for much longer.

Admired by many comedians,

he was chosen
by both Micky Flanagan

and Rob Brydon to support them
on their nationwide tours.

And tonight, I'm delighted to say,
he's been chosen to entertain you.

So, please give the warmest
of welcomes to Mr Scott Bennett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, good evening, Royal Albert Hall,
are we well?

ALL: Yes!
Oh, this is absolutely wonderful.

What an honour this is,

and it's a real,
real privilege to be here.

And you've managed
to achieve what HS2 didn't.

You brought a Northerner
into London.

LAUGHTER

Yes, you see, it can be done.
This is levelling up live.

It's a genuine pleasure to come
and share some of my negative equity

with you tonight.

But my mum is very,
very proud of me, obviously.

She said,
"You doing the Royal Variety?"

I said, "I am."

She said, "Are you nervous?"
I said, "I am, Mum."

She went, "Well, I would be."

And then she said,
"But remember, remember, love.

"No-one's there to see you."
LAUGHTER

My parents are amazing.
They've got a wonderful energy.

Like my dad said to me
the other day,

"They've cut
the winter fuel allowance."

I said, "All right."
He said, "Well, that's it now.

"We're gonna have
to take to the streets.

"We're gonna have to riot."

You're 75, Dad.

You've got sciatica.

The other week, you came home
from a garden centre

cos it was a bit too busy.

Good luck with the tear gas,
Che Guevara.

Can't imagine my dad
throwing a petrol bomb.

I really can't. £1.69 a litre.
It's not happening.

LAUGHTER

I mean, you can't get pensioners
to riot, can you?

What do we want? Can't remember!

LAUGHTER

When do we want it?
Not during The Chase.

That is...

The Chase or Tipping Point,
we don't leave the house.

LAUGHTER

It's so wonderful to be out.
It really is. It's fantastic.

It's nice to be out
on someone else's electric.

Just nice to be away

from the smart meter
for a bit, isn't it?

I don't like that thing.

I don't know why I let it
in my house.

It's not a smart meter.
It's an anxiety portal.

It's like being mugged
by your own house.

In real time, isn't it?

And you have to just stand
and watch it, don't you?

We don't watch Netflix now.

We watch the smart meter.
That's our night.

I get the kids around with snacks.

"Come on, children, look.

"Look at the smart meter.
Watch your inheritance evaporate.

"Do you want the lights on
or a university education?

"Make the decision."

It's a striking situation

when my slow cooker is on
a better hourly rate than I am.

That is...

LAUGHTER

Escapism's all we've got.
And I've tried that.

I really have. I've really tried,
you know, getting to nature.

That's what they say.

Recently,
we went on a camping holiday.

Let me tell you something, London.

Those are two words that don't
belong in the same sentence.

Because on the second day,
I remember, I was laid in the tent,

and I thought, "I've got an house."

LAUGHTER

Took me two days to realise that
as well.

I said to my wife,
"We've got an house, love.

"Do you know that thing we left
with running water

"and sanitation
and food in the fridge?"

And I've looked at all that
and gone, "No.

"For a holiday...

"..I'm gonna put myself
in an emergency."

LAUGHTER

It's madness, innit?

Cos people say, "It's wonderful,
you can hear the sounds of nature.

"You can hear birdsong.
You can hear rivers."

You can't. Cos all camping is
is endless nights

trapped in the middle
of an orchestra of angry zips.

LAUGHTER

That's all I heard every single day.
It never ends, does it?

You're trying to nod off, just...
HE IMITATES A ZIP

It's three in the morning,

pitch black,
you're desperate for the toilet.

And you're doing that...
IMITATES A ZIP

And that's zip number one.

LAUGHTER
Who looked at that and thought,

"Do you know what would
improve this, mate? Three more zips.

"All going different directions."

And don't get me started
on the people who do it slowly.

The slowly people.
Have you heard these people?

They were next to us.
Just takes hours to leave the tent.

It's just...
IMITATES A SLOW UNZIP

LAUGHTER

CONTINUES

We're all awake, just finish it!

I'll tell you, forget camping,

just book four nights
inside your own puffer jacket.

It's the same thing.
LAUGHTER

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is,
we've booked again for next year.

But...
LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's been an absolute joy
to be here, it really has.

I think it's an absolute privilege.

And my kids have been
so buzzing about this.

My eldest daughter, she's 14.
She said to me the other day,

she said, "I know what I want to be
when I grow up, Daddy."

I was like, "Oh, yeah?"

She says,
"I want to be an influencer."

"I know why you're saying that,
but let me tell you,

"it's not real, that life,
it's all fake, it's all a facade.

"And you do not want your entire
self-esteem to be based

"on seeking the validation..."

LAUGHTER

"..and approval of strangers."

Because you'll find yourself
at the Royal Albert Hall

doing one of the best gigs
of your life.

You've been an absolute delight.
Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's 40 years
since Cirque du Soleil was born,

and since then, they have wowed
over 400 million people

around the world.

Here at the Royal Variety,

we've been proud to showcase
their extraordinary talents,

and tonight is no exception.

Whilst we await Cirque's return
next month to the Royal Albert Hall

with their new show, Corteo,

we're delighted
to present a TV exclusive

from their Las Vegas shows.

Flying in especially
to appear here tonight,

please, would you
put your hands together

for the stars of O and Mystere,

it's the astonishing
Cirque du Soleil.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SINGING IN
A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

MUSIC CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

MUSIC CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

MUSIC CONTINUES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HUGH QUARSHIE: Up next,

Britain's Got Talent winner
Sydnie Christmas,

and an exclusive medley

from Cameron Mackintosh's
new production of Oliver!

APPLAUSE

One of the biggest joys of being
a judge on Britain's Got Talent

is watching the huge variety
of amazing acts

compete to win a spot on this stage

and perform
in front of the royal family.

Over the past 18 years,

I've watched thousands of acts
audition,

but nothing quite beats

having your own Golden Buzzer Act
go on to win.

Since that night,
she's released her debut album,

and she's about to embark on
her first ever headline tour.

It is the best feeling in the world

to introduce her
onto this stage tonight.

Please,
would you give a huge welcome

to the absolutely fantastic
Sydnie Christmas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# First things first

# I'ma say all the words
Inside my head

# I'm fired up

# And tired of the way
That things have been, oh

# Oh-ooh

# The way that things have been, oh
Oh-ooh

# Second thing second
Don't you tell me

# What you think that I can be
I'm the one at the sail

# I'm the master of my sea, oh-ooh

# The master of my sea, oh-ooh
Oh-ooh

# I was broken from a young age
Taking my sulking to the masses

# Writing my poems for the few
That look at me

# Took to me, shook to me
Feeling me

# Singing my heartache
From the pain

# Taking my message from the veins

# Speaking my lessons from the brain

# Seeing the beauty through the

# Pain

# You made me a
You made me a believer, believer

# Pain

# You break me down, you build me up
Believer, believer

# Pain

# Oh, let the bullets fly
Oh, let them rain

# My life, my love, my drive
It came from

# Pain

# You made me a, made me a believer

# Believer

# Last things last, by the grace
And the fire and the flames

# You're the face of the future
The blood in my veins

# Ooh, the blood in my veins

# Oh-ooh

# I was chokin' in the crowd

# Building my rain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground

# Hoping my feelings
They would drown

# But they never did
Ever lived, ebbin' and flowin'

# Inhibited, limited
Till it broke open

# It rained down
It rained down like

# Pain

# You made me a
Made me a believer, believer

# Pain

# You break me down, you build me up

# Believer, believer

# Pain

# Oh, let the bullets fly
Oh, let them rain

# My life, my love, my drive
It came from

# Pain

# You made me a
You made me a believer, believer

# Ooh. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's our absolute pleasure now
to introduce one

of our most successful
musical theatre producers.

Please, give it up
for Cameron Mackintosh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, good evening.

Now, Lionel Bart's great musical
Oliver!

was the first big British musical
to take Broadway by storm,

and became one of the most
successful movie musicals ever.

The original cast
were completely unknown,

but proved to be
an overnight sensation.

And Lionel's incredible score

still has the whole world
singing along.

For our new production,

Matthew Bourne and I
wanted to return

to Lionel's more intimate
original vision.

Please, welcome
our fabulous new company

playing at the Gielgud Theatre,

performing some
of the wonderful hit songs

from Lionel Bart's
musical masterpiece, Oliver!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What you staring at?
Ain't you ever seen a toff?

No. No.

Never. I...

Well, that's all right.
Don't worry about it.

Oh. Tired?

Yes. I've been walking seven days.

Oh. Are you accommodated?

I don't think so.

Then accommodated you shall be,
my young mate.

And I know
a 'spectable old gentleman

what'll give you lodgings
for nothing.

Who is the 'spectable gentleman,
then?

Mr Fagin.

Are you sure Mr Fagin won't mind?

Mind?

MUSIC STARTS

# Consider yourself at home

# Consider yourself... #

One of the family?

Yes!

# I've taken to you...

# So strong... #
Ooh!

# It's clear

BOTH: # We're going to get along

# Consider yourself...
Well in... #

Oi, oi!
You all right?

# Consider yourself
Part of the furniture

# There isn't a lot to spare... #

Ooh, lovely.

# Who cares?

# Whatever we got, we share

# Nobody tries to be lah-di-dah
Or uppity

# There's a cup of tea for all

# Only it's wise to be handy
With a rolling pin

# When the landlord comes to call

# Consider yourself our mate

# We don't wanna have no fuss

# For after some consideration
We can state

# Consider yourself
Yes!

# One of us

# Consider yourself at home

# We've taken to you so strong

# Consider yourself well in

# There isn't a lot to spare

# If it should chance to be
We should see some harder days

# Empty larder days

# Why grouse?

# Always a chance we'll meet
Somebody to foot the bill

# Then the drinks
Are on the house... #

Let's show 'em how to do it!

# Consider yourself at home

# Consider yourself
One of the family

# We've taken to you so strong

# It's clear
We're going to get along

# If it should chance to be
We should see some harder days

# Empty larder days

# Why grouse?

# Always a chance we'll meet
Somebody to foot the bill

# Then the drinks are on the house

# Consider yourself our mate

# We don't want to have no fuss

# For after some consideration
We can state

# Consider yourself

# One of us! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, guys, let's go!

That way! Come on.

Fagin?

Wha...? Fagin?

Where's he...?

SHOUTS: Fagin!

FAGIN SHOUTS: What?!

Trying to have a nap down there.

You lot jumpin' around the place,
making a racket.

What do you want from me?

I've brought a new friend
to see you.

Mr Oliver Twist.

Sir.

I hope we shall have the honour

of your most intimate acquaintance,
my dear.

We are very glad to see you, Oliver.
Very!

Aren't we, my dears?
ALL: Yes, yes!

Oh, now, Oliver, I see you are
staring at the pocket handkerchiefs,

my dear.

Quite a few of them, ain't there?

We have just hung 'em out
ready for the wash, eh?

ORPHANS AGREEING
The linen, boys!

Is this a laundry, then, sir?

CHILDREN LAUGH

The new boy thinks it's a laundry!
That's... Yeah, no, very good!

Very good, very good, innit?

There we go.
LAUGHTER

Now, I suppose...

a laundry,
that'd be a very fine idea indeed,

wouldn't it, my dear?

But, you see, Oliver,
our line of business...

pays a little better.

Doesn't it, boys?

ALL AGREEING

Let's show Oliver how to do it!

ALL CLAMOURING
Go, go, go!

SONG: 'You've Got To
Pick A Pocket Or Two'

# Why should we break our backs

# Stupidly paying tax

# Better get some untaxed income

# Got to pick a pocket or two

# You've got to
Pick a pocket or two, boys... #

Get out of it!

# You've got to
Pick a pocket or two

# Why should we all break our backs?

# Better pick a pocket or two... #

Who says crime doesn't pay,
Oliver, eh?

# Take a tip from Bill Sikes

# He can whip what he likes

# I recall he started small

# He had to pick a pocket or two

# You've got to
Pick a pocket or two, boys... #

Ooh!

# You've got to
Pick a pocket or two

# We can be like old Bill Sikes

# If we pick a pocket or two... #

Oliver! OLIVER!

# When I see someone rich

# Both my thumbs start to itch

# Only to find some peace of mind

# I have to pick a pocket or two

# You've got to
Pick a pocket or two... #

Boop!
# Boy... #

SUSTAINED NOTE

NOTE WAVERS COMICALLY

Oh, get on with it!

I've been having lessons!

# You've got to
Pick a pocket or two

# Just to find
Some peace of mind... #

Altogether, boys!

# We have to pick a pocket or... #

Ha!

# Just to find some peace of mind
We have to pick a pocket or

# Just to find some peace of mind
We have to pick a pocket or two. #

ALL: Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

NANCY SHOUTS

Ah, Nancy!

Look sharp, boys.
Nancy and Bet are here.

The ladies are here.
Ladies? Cor, hark at him!

Oi, we'll have less of that,
if you don't mind!

Now, who we got here, then, Fagin?
Ah, yes, Nancy.

This is our new lodger
that I was telling you all about.

This here
is Master Oliver Twist, Esquire.

Ma'am.

Well, if you're gonna do her,
do him as well.

Go on, mate.
LAUGHTER

Sir.
There we go.

LAUGHTER

Sorry. He's ever so rude.
He doesn't know yet!

Come on, Nancy, please, my dear,
give us a free show, eh?

Dodger?
Yeah?

Have you seen the way
them quality gentlemen

treats their ladies?

Well, of course I have.

So, how's it go, then, Dodger?

It's all hats off and bowing
and all of that.

Don't let your petticoats
dangle in the mud, my darling.

And I'll go last.

# I'd do anything

# For you, dear, anything

# For you mean everything

# To me

# I know that I'd go anywhere

# For your smile, anywhere

# For your smile
Everywhere I'd see

# Would you climb a hill?

# Anything

# Wear a daffodil?
Anything

# Leave me all your will?

# Anything

# Even fight my Bill? #
What, fisticuffs?!

# I'd risk everything

# For one kiss, everything

# Yes, I'd do anything
Anything?

# Anything for you... #

Oliver, you follow me, all right?

# I'd do anything

# For you, dear, anything... #

That's it.

# For you mean everything to me... #

Beautiful!

# I know that I'd go anywhere

# For your smile, anywhere

# For your smile
Everywhere I'd see

# Would you lace my shoe?

# Anything

# Paint your face bright blue?
Anything

# Catch a kangaroo?
Anything

# Go to Timbuktu?

# And back again... #

ALL CHEER
# I'd risk everything for one kiss

# Everything
Yes, I'd do anything

# Anything?
Anything for you... #

ALL EXCLAIMING,
APPLAUDING

# Would you rob a shop?
CHILDREN: Anything

# Would you risk the drop?

# Anything

# Though your eyes go pop?
Anything

# When you come down, plop

# Hang everything

# We'd risk life and limb

# To keep you in the swim

# Yes, we'd do anything

# Anything?

# Anything for you! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, bedtime, all of you, please.

CHILDREN CLAMOURING

Go on, please! Get this gone.
Thank you.

Move, Charlie.

# As long

# As he needs me

# Oh, yes, he does need me

# In spite of what you see

# I'm sure that he needs me

# I miss him so much

# When he is gone

# But when he's near me

# I don't let on

# The way I feel inside

# The love I have to hide

# The hell! I've got my pride

# As long as he needs me

# He doesn't say
The things he should

# He acts the way
He thinks he should

# But all the same

# I'll play this game

# His way

# As long as life is long

# I'll love him, right or wrong

# And somehow, I'll be strong

# As long as he needs me

# If you are lonely
Then you will know

# When someone needs you

# You love them so

# I won't betray his trust

# Though people say I must

# I've got to stay true

# Just

# As long as he

# Needs

# Me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'Consider Yourself'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CONTINUES

Oh!

Weren't that good?
Weren't that good?

COCKNEY ACCENT:
Oh, that was amazing, amazing.

And in honour of Fagin
and his little urchins

during that performance,
we had our own little urchins

working their way
around the Albert Hall,

picking a pocket or two.
ALAN CACKLES

LAUGHTER

Don't worry.
If you've lost any valuables,

all the proceeds from their sale
will be going to tonight's charity.

LAUGHTER

So, let's welcome our little urchins
and find out how they got on.

Please, would you welcome,
from Alan's sitcom, Young Alan.

And joining him,
from Amanda's dreams, Young Amanda.

Oh, thanks (!)

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

SONG: 'Young At Heart'

Oh. Look at you.
You look so young and gorgeous.

I wanna look like that.

Yeah.

Well, give it a few more years
and you probably will!

LAUGHTER

Now, where have you heard things
like that? Zip it!

So, how did you find it
working with Little Amanda?

Well, she's very bossy.

Yeah. Welcome to my world, love.

LAUGHTER

Hope she didn't have the two bottles
of rose before lunch as well.

Well, darling,

at least Amanda isn't
just sat around all day

flirting with the Spanish builders
when there's work to be done.

Oh-oh! She's good!

Can you do
that really annoying laugh?

SHE CACKLES

LAUGHTER
That's amazing.

That's enough of that.
ALAN LAUGHS

Right, come on. I wanna see
what you managed to pinch.

We got... 126 wallets.

Oh, that's amazing.

And if one of those
is Simon Cowell's,

our work is done.

Oh!

And I got some swanky watches
out of the posh seats.

Oh-ho!

That's about 100 grand's worth
of watch on your wrist.

And probably the closest
an Alan Carr will ever get

to looking like
a professional footballer.

Oh, oh, and...

we nabbed these three
small silk handkerchiefs

out of a dressing room.
Hey!

They are not
three small silk handkerchiefs.

This is my outfit

for the Britain's Got Talent final
next year.

LAUGHTER

Well, it will be
once I've had them taken in a bit.

We got a load of mobile phones.

Nice work. We should
get good money for the...

PHONE RINGS
Do I answer it?

Hello? Oh.

Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't
come to the phone right now.

Can I take a message?

Right. OK.
Yeah, I'll be sure to pass that on.

That was a bit awkward.

Your Majesty?

LAUGHTER

There's a man
who wants to talk to you

about an exciting opportunity
to switch to T-Mobile.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what, Alan.
This is getting a bit awkward.

Maybe we should go through
the stuff in private later.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up for Young Amanda

and Young Alan,
Isla Ashworth and Oliver Savell!

APPLAUSE

OK, now, it's past your bedtime.
Thank you, thank you.

HUGH QUARSHIE: Plenty more to come.

World-renowned magicians
Penn and Teller.

The sensational Marisha Wallace.

And global superstar
Sir Elton John.

APPLAUSE

Ten years ago on this very stage,

the Mischief Theatre Group
showcased a brand-new production

called The Play That Goes Wrong.

Yes. And since then, ironically,
things have gone very right,

and the play has become
a global sensation

and the longest-running comedy
in the West End.

Tonight, you're about to witness
the dawn of a new era,

as the gang takes us back
to an old era, the 1960s,

and a Cold War spy thriller
like no other.

Opening at the Noel Coward Theatre
in April,

this is The Comedy About Spies.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Agent X. Good to see you, Sir.

Agent Y. Agent U.

Nice job at the consulate.
It's all Z's talking about.

Many thanks, Sir.

Unfortunately, we have a problem
closer to home,

and I need to talk to you privately.

Me, Sir?
No, you.

He is U, Sir.

No, not U, you.

Right! Y.

I can't tell you that.
It's classified.

LAUGHTER
No, Sir. I wasn't asking why.

I was saying Y.
Ah!

Sir?
Get out, R.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, Y,
I just need U to get out.

Yes, Sir.
No, not you, U!

Get out.
Yes, Sir.

You stay. Not you.

Sorry about that. Tea?

Yes, Sir?
Get out, T!

LAUGHTER

The intelligence you gathered at
the consulate regarding the Soviets,

the Kremlin knows we have it.
Oh?

No.

Funny thing is, we hadn't even
briefed it in to Number 10.

You think a sinister minister
illicitly solicited a conspirator?

That's hard to say.
Mm.

But I suspect there may be
a rogue agent in MI6.

Oh!

Mm-hm?
No!

But is there any evidence, Sir?

Of course.
Just take a look at these slides.

SHE GASPS

Oh. That's twisted!

With the treasure in the building,
we can't take any chances.

Bring in the file.

PANTING

Here you are, Sir.
Thank you.

Who was that?

Case officer.

This file contains
all the information

on Project Midnight,

a top-secret new weapon
developed at Porton Down.

If it fell into Soviet hands,
it would be disastrous.

So I need you
to get a handle on this.

It's already got one, Sir.

No, I need you on the case.

But I'll break it!

No, I need you all over it.
Sir!

No, courier it to a safe house
off-site.

Of course, Sir.

The whole agency is relying on you.

That's a lot of pressure, Sir.

Sorry, I don't know my own strength.

It is extremely sensitive.

Well, you did squeeze rather hard.

No, the file.
Oh, I see.

ALL: Yes, Sir!
No!

Who came up with
this stupid system?!

I did.

Agent I, get in here!
Sir!

No, not I, me.

You did this?
No, it wasn't me, Sir. No...

Not you, U, you!
Ah!

No, it wasn't me. It was Y.
See?!

Yes, Sir!
No, not C! "See"!

Oh!

No!

Not C or I or U or R.

That's what I said.
I said nothing of the sort!

No, not what you said, I,
what I said, me!

Why?!
Yes, Sir!

No, I'm not saying "Y"!
I'm asking why!

Why did you implement
this ridiculous system?

For ease.

ALL: Yes, Sir?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm so confused.
I see why you are.

I, C, Y, U AND R: Yes, Sir!
No!

But, Sir,

the file's gone!
THEY GASP

He's fainted.
Get a man to hold him.

Sir?

No...

Not "Amanda Holden",
"a man to hold him".

LAUGHTER

He needs a hospital.
We need to get a car!

It's me, Alan!

No, not "a Carr". A car!

This is a crisis. Raise the alarm.

And hit the panic button.

ALL SCREAM

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRAMATIC MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're thrilled
to be able to showcase

many powerhouse performances
tonight,

and our next star is one of them.

From the original Broadway cast
of Aladdin,

she arrived in the West End
to wow audiences

in Hairspray, Oklahoma,
and Guys And Dolls.

Ahead of her biggest ever
headline date next year

at the Adelphi Theatre,
she's here to wow us

with the song she first performed
on a London stage.

With And I'm Telling You
from Dreamgirls,

it's the incredible Marisha Wallace.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# And I am telling you

# I'm not going

# You're the best man I'll ever know

# There's no way I can ever go

# No, no, there's no way

# No, no, no, no way
I'm living without you

# I'm not living without you

# I don't wanna be free

# I'm staying

# And you, and you

# You're gonna love me

# Oh, mm, mm, mm

# And I am telling you

# I'm not going

# Even though
The rough times are showing

# There's just no way

# There's no way

# We're part of the same place

# We're part of the same time

# We both share the same blood

# We both have the same mind

# And time and time

# We've had so much to see

# And no, no, no, no, no way

# I'm not waking up tomorrow morning

# And finding that
There's nobody there

# Tear down the mountains
Yell, scream and shout

# Like you can say what you want

# I'm not walking out

# Stop all the rivers
Push, strike and kill

# I'm not gonna leave you

# There's no way I will

# And

# I am

# Telling you

# I-I-I'm not going

# You're the best man I'll ever know

# And there's no way
I could ever, ever go

# No, no, no, there's no way

# No, no, no, no way
I'm living without you

# I'm not living without you
Not living without you

# I don't wanna be free
No, no, no

# I'm staying, I'm staying

# And you, and you, and you

# You're gonna love me

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# You're gonna love me

# Love me

# Love me, love me

# Love

# You're gonna love

# Me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HUGH QUARSHIE: On their way,
Eurovision winner Nemo,

plus a special choir
with some surprise guests.

Our next act is a brilliant stand-up

who is well known
for writing and voicing characters

such as Boris Johnson,
Keir Starmer and Donald Trump

on Spitting Image.

He's also one of
our best satirical comics.

Hot off his biggest tour to date,
it's Matt Forde.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Before I start, I should explain
why I need a walking stick.

Just over a year ago,

I had terrible nerve pain
in my left leg

and went to get an MRI scan,

thinking the pain was caused
by a slipped or a swollen disc.

I got the results of that scan back,

and I was diagnosed with cancer.

And at that point, I had no idea
how much longer I had left to live.

And I'm telling you this
mainly just to get you onside.

Because I'm gonna impersonate
a few politicians now.

And if I insult one you like,
just remember, I've been very brave.

But I'm now cancer-free and alive.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you, very much.

APPLAUSE

And I'm so glad I lived
to see the wonderful,

global political events
of the last few months.

My God,
what a world we're living in.

Obviously, we've got
a new Prime Minister, Keir Starmer,

a man with a very distinctive
block-nosed,

locked jaw sort of voice.

If you want to perfect
a Keir Starmer impression,

the phrase you have to master is...

AS KEIR STARMER:
..the Metropolitan Police.

LAUGHTER

All the blocked-nose noises
you need.

A friend of mine said,
"Well, you know,

"he can't do the sexy stuff,
can he?"

And what's that even mean?

I mean, if you had to have
a night of passion

with one of two politicians,

would you pick the first guy,
who says...

AS BORIS JOHNSON: "Well, I'm going
to give you, yes, by the way...

"I'm gonna give you
the greatest night you've ever had.

BLUSTERING: "Eruptions of eroticism,
oven-ready beans to get in.

"You've got paroxysms
of old pleasure.

STAMMERING:
"Yes, I will level you right up."

BLUSTERS,
LAUGHTER

Or would you choose the guy
that says...

AS KEIR STARMER: "Look, I'm not
going to make any promises..."

LAUGHTER

"..certainly not before
I've had a good look

"at what I'm dealing with.

"But it is my intention
to satisfy you as fully as possible

"in the time available to me."

Obviously, Rishi Sunak
started the year as Prime Minister,

he's no longer Prime Minister.

Fascinating bloke to watch,
Rishi Sunak,

because he's got such...

..Kermit energy.

LAUGHTER

His mouth would finish speaking,
but his body wouldn't.

You saw it
during the election campaign

when he gave that answer
about privilege, where he went...

AS RISHI: "Look, actually, I had to
go without quite a lot as a child.

"Famously,
I had to go without Sky TV."

LAUGHTER

Why are you wiggling like that?

But, of course, the biggest
political event of the year

was over in America,
and Donald Trump has got re-elected.

AS DONALD TRUMP: "And it is
a great honour to be here today

"at the Royal Vasectomy."

LAUGHTER

"In a room
full of 3 million people..."

LAUGHTER

"..it's great to be here."

I mean, the stuff he comes out with.

"They're eating the cats,
they're eating the dogs.

"Your Majesty, King Charles,
you're named after a spaniel.

"Be very careful,
they'll eat you alive."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes, he knows.

Cos he loves to insult people,
doesn't he?

And his standard insult formula
is X plus Y,

where X is the pejorative
and Y is an animal or an insect.

"She is mad as a bedbug."

The difference with him now
is that he will engage with that

as if it is a material fact.

"Kamala Harris, you cannot
let her win this election.

"She's loopy as a moose,

"and you cannot let a moose
run the United States.

"It would be so bad.

"They're terrible animals.

"I once saw a moose eat a hedgehog.
It was disgusting."

LAUGHTER

"It's true, they..."

Obviously,
he's had his own issues this year.

He had his own brush with death.

And watching him
talk about that experience,

I think we all thought,

"Will this lead
to some deeper reflection?"

I watched his first rally back.

And he goes, "I heard
a whizzing sound go past my ear.

"I felt the pain,
I put my hand in my ear.

"I looked down.
There's blood everywhere.

"I looked down.
My hand's covered in blood.

"They take me to the hospital.

"I said to the doctor,
'There's blood everywhere.'

"He said, 'Ears bleed more
than any other part of the body,

" 'they're the bloodiest part.

" 'You cut your ear,
it'll bleed everywhere.'

"So, we learn stuff."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure that's what I would've
learned from that experience.

But people are worried, aren't they?

People are worried
that he's a fascist.

And you just think,

"Had any other fascist in history
spoken like Trump,

"history would be very different."

Had Hitler spoken like Trump,

World War II would have gone
a completely different way.

AS HITLER IN TRUMP'S VOICE:
"And the Sudetenland,

"it's a total dump, by the way,
it's a total dump, I may invade it.

"I probably will."

LAUGHTER

"But I want us to win.
People want us to lose.

"We can't let the allies win,
they're terrible people.

"People like Winston Churchill.

"You cannot let him win.
That guy is crazy as a hamster.

"He lives in a little plastic house

"inside a cage full of wood chip,
he's lost it.

"I sat next to him at a summit.

"He drank a bottle of water
right above his head."

MIMICS GLUGGING

LAUGHTER

"But my friends said to me,

" 'if we lose
and they come after you, they will,

" 'would you ever consider
blowing your own brains out?'

"I said, 'No way.

" 'Because if I miss and hit my ear,
there'll be blood everywhere.' "

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been
a phenomenal privilege.

I'm Matt Forde.
Thank you very much. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're all here tonight to support
the Royal Variety Charity,

which has been going
for over 100 years.

Yep.
I was there from the very start.

LAUGHTER

Let's discover more
about their work.

Well, good evening.

AMANDA:
'The Royal Variety Performance

'is the world's
longest-running entertainment show.

'And since it began
over 100 years ago,

'it's brought together
the world's biggest stars,

'who perform each year for free to
support the Royal Variety Charity.

Are you listening? "Yes."

ALAN: 'The curtain was first raised
in 1912

'at the Palace Theatre London.

'King George V and Queen Mary
attended the show,

'which was staged at a time
when TV had yet to be invented.'

'Television cameras
first arrived in 1960

'to film Her Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II's attendance

'at the 33rd
Royal Variety Performance.'

# When I fall in love

# It will be forever. #

'Queen Elizabeth II
served as a patron for 70 years.

'And this year,
His Majesty King Charles III

'continues that tradition

'by becoming the fourth
reigning monarch to serve as patron

'of the Royal Variety Charity.'

'Whilst the show may
shine a spotlight on those on stage,

'there's always
an unsung army of workers

'behind the scenes that help
bring every production to life.'

'A career in entertainment
can come with instability.

'The vast majority working
from job to job,

'often on a lower than average wage.

'Many spending long periods
with no work at all.

'The Royal Variety Charity
supports this workforce with grants

'to help during financial crises
and illness.

'This year,
it's also launched a new initiative

'to offer support for those
struggling with their mental health,

'alongside caring
for retired professionals

'at their residential care home,
Brinsworth House.

'Professionals such as
impressionist, comedian

'and former Royal Variety performer
Mike Yarwood, who,

'after an illustrious career,
found it very difficult to adjust

'to life offstage.'

Thank you so much. Good evening,
ladies, gentleman, children.

Nice to see ya, to see ya...
AUDIENCE: Nice.

Oh, what a wave of indifference
that was.

All right, my love?

He was just...

finding... finding his days
quite difficult in terms of, erm,

being...
feeling a bit isolated, I think.

He'd reached a point
where he was quite fragile,

and he needed a little bit more
than his family could give.

And that, for me,

is where he then found some peace
later in life at Brinsworth House.

The last three years of his life
were spent there.

VOICE CRACKS:
And the reason I get a bit emotional

is because it is emotional
to think that he gave something

and then received something back,
ultimately.

It's really quite lovely.

To be amongst people
that understood him

and that he could share memories
of the business, show business, with

was a gift to him, actually.

So, lovely that that's how
our family story sort of ended.

AMANDA:
'The Royal Variety Performance

'is the main fundraising event
for the Royal Variety Charity.'

ALAN: 'Tonight, we come together
to help those across the UK

'who devote their lives
to entertaining others.'

'If you need assistance,
would like to support,

'or require further information
about the charity,

'please go to
www.royalvarietycharity.org.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, let's turn our attention
to something very flamboyant,

extremely camp, and massive.

I can hear you.

LAUGHTER

Alan, I'm talking about
the Eurovision Song Contest.

But, you know, if the cap fits.

Please,
would you welcome to the stage,

the winner of Eurovision 2024
all the way from Switzerland

with their brand-new single
Eurostar, it's the fabulous Nemo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Meet me in the lobby
I've been up for 24

# I wanna dance, I wanna party

# Do it like no-one before

# I took the Eurostar from Paris

# And you know what I came for

# I wanna dance, I wanna party
Do it like no-one before

# I'm that hottie in the lobby
Taking cute pictures

# Sweet and twisted

# Come and kiss
This cherry-red lipstick

# I'll call Dodo, clear my wardrobe
Want it all princess

# I'm so pop queen

# Everyone's watching
Screaming, "Who is this?"

# If I do one thing right
It's running this whole damn night

# Baby, don't kill my light

# Meet me in the lobby
I've been up for 24

# I wanna dance, I wanna party

# Do it like no-one before

# I took the Eurostar from Paris
And you know what I came for

# I wanna dance, I wanna party
Do it like no-one before

# Rose-gold night dress
Oh-so timeless, call me Grace Kelly

# Bathed in white wine
Looking so fine

# My, haven't you met me?

# Life's too short
To ever get bored

# I wanna get messy

# Touch up at the bus stop
I know you love it when I'm up

# Hey! If I do one thing right
It's running this whole damn night

# Baby, don't kill my light

# Meet me in the lobby
I've been up for 24

# I wanna dance, I wanna party
Do it like no-one before

# I took the Eurostar from Paris
And you know what I came for

# I wanna dance, I wanna party
Do it like no-one before

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh

# I took the Eurostar from Paris
And you know what I came for. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HUGH QUARSHIE: When we return,
an eye-catching number

from Sir Elton John's new musical,
The Devil Wears Prada.

APPLAUSE

This next comic
is an award-winning stand-up

who's appeared on
Live At The Apollo, Mock The Week,

and The Stand Up Sketch Show.

Please give a big hand
to Larry Dean.

# I've been runnin' through
This strange life

# Chasin' all them green lights

# Throwin' out the shade
For a little bit of sunshine. #

APPLAUSE
Thank you very much.

That wasn't the accent
you were expecting, was it?

LAUGHTER

This is the thing, though,
having a Scottish accent...

I generally, usually,
when I'm onstage,

I want to go on and pretend

I'm one of those cool
American comics.

AMERICAN ACCENT:
When they come on and they talk,

like, it's a very smiley accent,
and it just seems so positive.

And let's face it,
when you go to Scottish...

NORMAL VOICE: ..everything gets
a bit more negative, doesn't it?

LAUGHTER

Have you noticed that Scottish
is the only accent

that doesn't suit smiling?

LAUGHTER

Every other accent,
you can smile when you're talking.

AMERICAN ACCENT: American, they have
to smile when they're talking.

ENGLISH ACCENT:
And English people, right?

You can smile when you're talking,
and it's not weird.

If anything, it suits you. Hello.

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
Australians as well.

They can smile when they talk,

but they can only do it
on one side of the face.

Even Australian faces
are right-wing.

All right, mate.

NORMAL VOICE:
Problem I've noticed, though,

is if you smile
with a Scottish accent...

LAUGHTER

..someone's getting stabbed.

LAUGHTER

I think the reason, though, right,

the American accent
is the most positive one,

is because they've got hero culture.

They look up to people like...

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God,
that guy's my hero, oh, my God."

NORMAL VOICE:
In the UK, we have legend culture.

And the difference
between a legend and a hero

isn't that much in the dictionary,

but in our culture,
if I said to you guys,

"Oh, guys,
my mate Jordan's coming tonight.

"Total legend."

Nobody in this room would be like,

"Oh, wow, we're gonna be really
inspired by your friend Jordan."

The information
you take from that is,

"Oh, Jordan's got
an alcohol problem, good to know."

LAUGHTER

But when it comes to accents,
my accent is a bit weird, right?

Cos I'm from Glasgow,
but I'm from a mixed family.

Well, as in my mum
is middle class,

and my dad is working class.

So I've got, like, a hybrid accent.

I got raised working class
in a middle-class household.

Basically, we had a cleaner,
but we stole from her.

LAUGHTER

But my partner, he's from...

Well, he's a he, so he's gay.
Ooh, and, er, well...

LAUGHTER

I didn't know he was gay
before we started going out.

Actually, my exes were all gay
as well, I think I've got a type.

LAUGHTER

But this one I actually think's
always gonna work cos of how we met.

Basically, I've always known
my now partner,

and I've always had a crush on him.

His name's Mikey
and I've always liked him.

And then randomly, Mikey told me
that he's always had a crush on me.

And I was like,
"Oh, really? Cool. Bit creepy."

He's actually not even Scottish.
He's from Birmingham.

SCATTERED CHEERING

Rarely gets a cheer, to be honest.

It's not, like, a sexy accent.
Let's be honest.

And no offense, right, I'm not
being hypocritical when I say it.

Cos I don't think
Scottish is sexy either.

But the Birmingham accent's
even worse, so we don't flirt.

It'd be too weird, me going,

"Oh, fancy coming back
to mine tonight, Mikey?"

BIRMINGHAM ACCENT:
"Oh, that'd be great."

LAUGHTER

"Ooh, that'd be loov-er-ley."

LAUGHTER

Always sounds like he's deflating.

Although, it's a relaxing accent,
the Birmingham accent,

it sounds like whale song.

PROLONGUED MOAN

Now, the way we actually met

is we met on an online fan page
for Elvis when we were kids.

That's how me and my partner met.

And I know it's quite a weird way
of meeting somebody.

But he did say to me, he was like,
"Oh, lovey, we met through Elvis.

"So we should go and live
in the southern states of America."

I was like,
"I don't think that's a good idea."

Can you imagine us turning up
and them being like,

"What? Are you two boys brothers?

"You sure are spending
a lot of time together."

"Oh, you're cousins, that's OK.
We quite like that down here."

Nothing against the Bible belt.

I'm not religious,
but I'd say, if anything,

when it comes to religion,
I'm agnostic.

You know, I believe in God
when I'm on a plane.

LAUGHTER

I think that's when we all
get a bit religious.

You know, when there's turbulence
and you're like, "OK, God,

"I know I have not been to church
in ages,

"but please don't let me die
this way,

"and I promise you I will go
to church every single week."

And then the arrogance kicks in,
cos as soon as you land,

you're like, "Huh, I can't believe
you fell for that, to be honest."

LAUGHTER

You know what it is about flying?
The thing that makes me calmer

is when the pilot talks
before take-off...

if they're posh.

I'm all for equal opportunities,
but working-class pilots...

no, thanks.

I'll get the next one.

I think the trick is
the pilot has to sound

like they've just taken a step
too quickly when they're talking.

So it's like, "Good... evening,
ladies and gentlemen."

I don't know about you, but I never,
ever, ever want to hear...

" 'Ello, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the plane.

"I'm your Captain.

"I'll be flying you today
at 40,000 feet.

"Well, not just me,
you got your co-pilot as well.

"Oh, mate, I just met him,
he's a total legend.

"You guys are gonna love him."

LAUGHTER

Folks,
you've been absolutely brilliant.

I've been Larry Dean.
Enjoy your night. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are very excited
to welcome to the stage

Sir Elton John and David Furnish.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's been a long time
since I came out of the closet.

LAUGHTER

Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Based on the best-selling memoir
by Lauren Weisberger,

The Devil Wears Prada
is a Faustian tale about Andy Sachs,

an aspiring journalist
with zero style,

who finds herself working
at Runway Magazine as an assistant

to the notoriously ruthless
editor-in-chief, Miranda Priestly.

God, Miranda Priestly,
I hear she's a real cow.

Oh.

Oh, Hi, Miranda.

Sparkly shoes, over-the-top blazer,
signature sunglasses...

ground-breaking (!)

Obviously, you have no sense
of style or fashion.

Well, that depends on...

No, no. That wasn't a question.

AUDIENCE LAUGH,
MUSIC STARTS

That's all.

Well... the bitch is back.

LAUGHTER,
APPLAUSE

Wow. Nigel, that was brutal.

That's fashion, baby.

Even Sir Elton John isn't safe,

and judging by your outfit,
neither are you.

Nigel, I'm not gonna be
working in fashion forever.

Mm-hm.
Miranda hired me.

She knows what I look like.

Do you?

# You think fashion
Is shallow and vapid

# A superficial path

# I mean, your clothes, your hair
You don't care what you wear

# You just wanna teach
High school math... #

Or be a writer.

# It doesn't matter
What road you walk

# Someone's gonna see your shoes

# You can dress to connect
Set the mood, show respect

# Or you can, of course, refuse... #

Oh, no, I didn't say that.

# You're winding
Like you're looking for advice

# If you want mine

# I'll tell you miracles can happen
When your soul and style combine

# Bottom line

# If you wanna go far
Dress your way up

# You wanna prove who you are
Dress your way up

# You wanna get your view
Dress your way up

# Do it for you, dress your way up

# You can call it vanity
Well, I say it's taking pride

# I say dress your way up, up, up
And show us who you are inside... #

You're right.
I know.

Nigel, could you give me, like,
a mini makeover?

A mini makeover?

Honey, you're Extreme Makeover,
Home Edition.

# You need Gucci
Like you need air... #

Yes!

# Plus a little Cartier... #

Whoo! I like that.

# Some Loewe suede... #

Here, this is handmade.
Oh.

# Anything I say - obey... #
OK.

# If you can't judge a book
By its cover

# No-one's ever gonna read it

# If you're so damn smart
Then start looking the part

# Lord knows, you're gonna need it

# Get in there, it's urgent
Don't emerge until you look pristine

# Get ready
There'll be buttons and braces

# And zippers
In places you've never seen

# And if you need help - scream!

# You wanna get yours
Dress your way up

# You wanna open doors
Dress your way up

# You want an ego boost
Dress your way up

# You want to get introduced
Dress your way up

# Show them you are tailor-made
And get ahead of the pack

# Oh, darling
Dress your way up, up, up

# But never, never, never look back

# When Nigel's in charge
He'll make you perfection

# Oh, oh!

# You'll lose your mind
When you see your reflection

# Your reflection, oh!

# He can flip a four into a ten
A ten

# Turn your army cousin into Ken

# He can read your closets
Better look inside of them

# If you get the chance
He'll change your life

# With some Chanel

# Yeah
Yeah

# Dress, dress your way up

# She was his inspirator

# You wanna go far
Dress your way up

# You wanna prove who you are
Dress your way up

# You wanna self-actualise
Dress your way up

# You want your star to rise
Dress your way up

# You wanna make your name
Dress your way up

# You wanna change the game
Dress your way up

# You wanna reach higher ground

# Dress your way up
You wanna be renowned

# Show them you are tailor-made
To get ahead of the pack

# Oh, oh, oh

# Cos I'll be dressing
Way up, up, up

# Darling, dress your way up, up, up

# And never, never, never

# Never, never, never

# Never, never, never look back! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HUGH QUARSHIE: Stay tuned
for an exquisite performance

from English National Ballet
and a rousing finale.

APPLAUSE

It is a thrill for us now
to introduce an act

that has achieved
the legendary title

of the longest-running
headline act in Vegas.

Their dazzling blend
of magic and comedy

has entertained audiences
around the world

for nearly 50 years,
and incredibly, next year,

these lifelong friends
will be starring

in their first ever West End run.

Joined by...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it is amazing.

Joined by Vanessa Williams,

it's the one and only
Penn and Teller.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Oh, no, oh

# Nothing's gonna bring me down. #

Oh, Vanessa, this is a thrill,
isn't it?

It is a thrill.
Royal Albert Hall, here we are.

Gorgeous.

You're gonna remember this
the rest of your life.

Onstage with Penn and Teller...
Yes.

..at the huge Royal Variety Show.

You really need a souvenir.

I do.
Yeah, you do.

We think she should have a souvenir,
so we brought our whole gift shop.

Oh, cool!
Anything here you'd like.

We have magic sets.
We have programmes.

We have bobblehead dolls.
We have...

I want a bobblehead.

Bobblehead doll,
you'll remember that forever!

Yes.
Bobblehead doll.

Tell her put that in the case.

And then we'll just need your, um...
your credit card.

But I thought it was a gift.

No, I didn't say "gift".
I said "a souvenir to remember".

Didn't he say "gift"? I think
you have a credit card with you...

I do have my credit card.
Yeah, pretty much...

OK, here's my credit card.
I'll just take that.

OK. And we'll just...
It's very reasonably priced.

We'll just slide this right in here.
And here you go, uh...

MACHINE BEEPS
Uh, yes.

Reasonable?
It's gonna take a second.

Went through, went right through.

There we go.
Let's hope.

And we've also got...

Besides that, we've also got
a magic trick for you here.

Oh, thank you!

Just take your credit card here,
a little thing for you. Yes.

Teller just...

Oh.
And it's vanished, all charges.

Where is my credit card?
APPLAUSE

This trick is a standard in magic

called
"object to impossible location".

And the object we chose
was your credit card. Yes.

And the impossible location -
you've been holding it in your hand.

Your credit card has now appeared
inside the bag you're holding.

Reach in there.

Beside the bobblehead doll,
there's one other thing.

Reach in there, pull that out,
and there will be your credit card.

What have you got there, Vanessa?

I've got a crinkled water bottle.
Hm... That's...

That's an empty, crushed...
water bottle?

Yes.
That...

is trash, Vanessa.
It is trash.

But, you know, Vanessa,

in the magic world
of Penn and Teller...

..if the trash is
where the credit card should be,

maybe, just maybe, the credit card
is where the trash should be.

Vanessa.
Yes?

Since before we came out onstage,

that trash can has been clearly
and plainly in view.

Yes.
As you can see, it is locked shut.

Why is it locked shut, Vanessa?
Uh...

Racoons!
Raccoons. Of course.

Open it up. It'll open.

Here we go.
There you go.

And just let that drop to the floor,
all that.

Take the top off there.
Just drop the lock.

Drop the lock.
Now, what's in there?

Garbage! Trash.
Yeah, trash. This is trash.

Yeah, let me just
pull the trash out of here.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, there's Christmas trash.

That's really nice.
Mm-hm.

Oh, look at this, look at this.
We have royal trash here.

Mm-hm.
Very, very classy.

That's a Christmas pudding
right there for you.

We got... OK.
Oh, there's lights, everything.

What else is in there, Vanessa?
Another trash bin?

Another trash bin.
Pull the trash can out.

Bring it over here, Vanessa.
SHE GRUNTS

Set it right down there.
Now, why is that chained shut?

Raccoons?
Raccoons, yeah.

Open it up. Open it up.
LAUGHTER

OK. There we go.
Just throw that stuff on the ground.

What's inside there, Vanessa?
More trash.

Aw, racoons!
Raccoons. Racoons, yes.

And what else is in there?

Another trash...
Yeah. Pull it over here.

Just put it right over here.
Open that. Why's that chained shut?

Raccoons?
Racoons, little ones. Open it up.

GRUNTING: Here we go.
Just throw them to the floor.

What's in there, Vanessa?
More trash.

Yeah, pull that out there.
Oh, another raccoon. Yeah.

And then there's...

Oh, there's a hamburger.
Pull that out there.

Now, you see that's been closed up.

There's rubber bands around that,
right, Vanessa? Yes.

You remember this forever,
because that trash can, Vanessa,

was in plain view
before you came out on stage.

Open that up, Vanessa.

Inside, you'll find a hamburger.
Hamburger, and...

Besides the hamburger,
what's right there, Vanessa?

My credit card.
APPLAUSE

There's your credit card,
right there, Vanessa. Greasy...

And you can clean your hands off
with that, Vanessa.

Thank you very much.

And thank you, Vanessa Williams!
Thank you.

Thank you so much. Great job.
Thank you. And thank you!

# Oh, no, oh

# Nothing's gonna bring me down. #

Our next act is a comic,
presenter, actor and writer,

best known for appearing in
the smash-hit TV series Ted Lasso

and The Mash Report.

She also hosts
Bake Off: The Professionals,

and she's about to head off
next year on a nationwide tour.

It's the fabulous Ellie Taylor.
APPLAUSE

# You and I stargazing

# You were right there all along. #

Hello, my friends, are you well?
AUDIENCE WHOOPS

What an absolute pleasure it is
to be here.

And I really, really mean that
because I was actually meant

to perform at the Royal Variety Show
last year.

Yeah, and I was super excited
for two main reasons.

One, I was gonna be doing it
about nine months pregnant.

And two, obviously, I was gonna get
the chance to meet His Majesty...

Rick Astley,
who was also on the bill!

Super excited.

No offence, all right?
Couldn't wait.

Night before the show,
I was all set.

I'd done the prep,
I'd bought the frock,

I'd had the spray tan sorted.

2am that morning, my waters break.

That's the spray tan ruined
for a start, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

And by 10:22 on the morning
of the Royal Variety Show last year,

I was holding my baby boy
for the first time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Proving that there is nothing
that a young man won't do...

to obstruct an older woman's
career ambitions.

LAUGHTER
I was furious!

I've just about forgiven him.
He's a good lad. He is.

I mean, he's no Rick Astley,
but he is a good lad.

The interesting thing
about my little boy

is that he is a boy, right?

Cos I've got two kids.

And the previous child
I already owned...

LAUGHTER

..that one is a girl, right?

And I get girls. I'm a girl.

I've got a sister.
All my best friends are girls.

I don't know anything about blokes.

Can name on one hand the amount
of men in my life who I like.

Dad, husband...

Ben Shephard seems like
a nice fella, I dunno.

So, all my friends with little boys

tried to warn me about it
when I was pregnant.

They were like, "Oh, Ellie,
watch out. Boy babies be crazy."

And I was like,
"Don't be so stereotypical.

"How binary, 'Boy babies be crazy.'
Ridiculous."

And then I met my boy baby.

Oh, my God. He's like
a miniature one-man stag do.

Seriously, I've started to doubt
whether he did arrive on this earth

via my womb.

I think he actually arrived
on an easyJet flight from Benidorm.

The stuff this kid does!
The stuff he makes me say.

I found myself in the street
the other day, saying,

"No, darling, we don't lick buses."

LAUGHTER

I always think it's interesting
how kids get their nicknames, right?

So, as soon as my daughter was born,
I started calling her "Rat Bag".

I'm very loving.

And I was talking about her
a little bit on Instagram, right?

And I was writing this nickname out,
and after a while, I thought,

"Hang on a minute,
I'm a cool, hip mum.

"I've got an air fryer
with two drawers, for God's sake.

"I know what to do here - instead
of writing the words "Rat Bag",

"I am gonna use emojis instead."

So instead of the word "rat",
I did an emoji of a rat.

Instead of the word "bag",
I did an emoji of a bag.

I thought, "Very clear, very funny.
I'm an absolute hoot."

Till I got about 20 messages back,
going,

"Why'd you call your daughter
Mouse Satchel?"

LAUGHTER

So that is now her nickname.

And I tell you, Mouse Satchel
has had a very busy few years.

She has.
It's been all change in my family.

So, my sister and her kids
have emigrated to Australia,

which is pretty cool.

Obviously means the children
are now bilingual.

They speak English and...

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
..adorable English, which is lovely.

They've moved to a place called
the Sunshine Coast, near Brisbane.

The Sunshine Coast -

have you ever heard of anywhere
more annoyingly perky?

LAUGHTER

And it really is.
It's lovely over there.

It's so cheerful. It's so chipper.

It's like the geographical
equivalent of Alison Hammond.

LAUGHTER

What I love to imagine, though,
is you just know

if there was a place in the UK
called the Sunshine Coast,

it would be an absolute dump,
don't you?

You imagine turning up
at the tourist office, like,

"All right?

"Welcome to t'Sunshine Coast.

"Directions to t'centre of town?
Yeah.

"You got straight past
t'nuclear reactor.

"Take a left
at the abandoned Wilko's."

LAUGHTER

My friends, you've been
a dream come true.

Thank you so much.
I've been Ellie Taylor.

APPLAUSE

# You and I stargazing

# You were right there all along. #

The Nutcracker is one of the world's
most famous ballets,

and a seasonal treat.

The English National Ballet,

for which Her Majesty The Queen
is patron,

are currently performing
this beautiful production

at the London Coliseum,

and we are proud to present
an extract here tonight.

Would you please welcome
to the stage

the exquisite, world-famous
Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy,

performed by their lead principal,
Emma Hawes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'Dance Of
The Sugar Plum Fairy'

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC FINISHES

Let's now take a moment to remember
the entertainers and broadcasters

from the worlds of film,
television, music and theatre

who we have lost this year.

And now we'd like to introduce
an extraordinary choir.

Back in 2019,
the Lorraine Kelly show

was inspired to start
the Change + Check campaign

to raise awareness
for breast cancer.

Since then, the campaign
has gathered momentum

with the formation of a choir

whose members come
from all over the UK.

They are all affected
by this disease,

but represent a solidarity
of love, support and friendship.

Last month, they released
the iconic Love Is All Around single

with Marti Pellow,

as the hit song celebrates
its 30th anniversary.

Before we hear from Lorraine
and the choir,

we're delighted that they are also
going to be joined

by some special guest supporters
of Future Dreams,

The Pink Ribbon Foundation,
and CoppaFeel!

So, please,
feel free now to sing along

and welcome Marti Pellow,
Lorraine Kelly,

and the Change + Check Choir.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE,
WHOOPING

SONG: 'Love Is All Around'

CHOIR: # Love, love, love

# I feel it in my fingers

# I feel it in my toes, yeah

# Love is all around me

# And so the feeling grows

# Mmm... #

TOGETHER: # It's written on the wind

# It's everywhere I go

# Oh, yes, it is

# So if you really love me

# Come on and let it show

# Come on and let it show now... #

Hey!

# You know I love you
I always will

# My mind's made up
By the way that I feel

# There's no beginning
There'll be no end

# Cos on my love

# You can depend

# I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed

# Ooh, ooh
Mmm

# I kinda get to thinking

# Of all the things you said

# Oh, yes, I did

# You gave your promise to me

# And I gave mine to you
Yeah

# Ah, ah

# I need someone beside me
Beside me

# In everything I do

# In everything I do now

# You know I love you
I always will

# My mind's made up
By the way that I feel

# There's no beginning
There'll be no end

# Cos on my love

# You can depend

# Gotta keep it moving!

# Ooh

# It's written in the wind
Whoa-oh

# It's everywhere I go... #

HE VOCALISES

# So if you really love me
Love me

# Come on and let it show

# Come on and let it
Come on and let it

# Come on and let it

# Come on and let it show... #

Come on, Albert Hall!

# Come on, come on, come on
Come on, let it show

# Come on, come on, come on
Come on, let it show

# Cos love is all around. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Finally, tonight,
let's welcome back the casts

of this year's
Royal Variety Performance.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What an incredible night it's been
for all of us.

And, please, let's not forget
to give a huge thank-you

to Dave Arch and the brilliant
Royal Variety Orchestra.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.
And good night!

HUGH QUARSHIE: King Charles
makes his way backstage

to meet the stars
of tonight's show,

including the cast
of Starlight Express,

Stephen Mulhern, Marisha Wallace,
Vanessa Williams...

..Cameron Mackintosh
and the cast of Oliver!...

..Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Nemo...

..Marti Pellow and Lorraine Kelly,

choir member Nikki Wheatley,
BGT winner Sydnie Christmas,

hosts Amanda Holden and Alan Carr.

Merry Christmas, and good night.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com